The Rebound

This film contains some strong language.

Same thing every fucking morning.

- I heard that. - No, you didn't.

- Yes I did. - I did too.

OK. Here we go.

Hey, Sandy, what the hell.

- Mom! - It's just for germs, they're for enemy.

- Good luck in your test. - And I need luck.

- (MUMBLES) Mom. - I'm sorry.

Have a great day. And remember, own your own power.

You're a powerful little chicken.

(KIDS LAUGH)

Sorry.

Don't forget to bring the DVD from my birthday.

I told Lizzie I'd bring it in for show and tell tomorrow.

- Do I ever forget anything? - Just do it! OK, Mom?

# I'm a little bit of everything All rolled into one

# I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

# I'm a child, I'm a mother

# I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

# I will not be ashamed

# I'm your hell, I'm your dream

# I'm nothing in between

# You know you wouldn't want it any other way... #

Welcome to the Frank Magic Jr sixth birthday celebration.

We have many famous guests. Well, we're here.

Cute.

HE RAPS

# You must try to ignore

# That it means more than that

# What's love got to do, got to do... #

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, Molly, Molly.

Molly Foster?!

You're a magician. A little magician.

Love knowing Sandy's in the next room.

Molly. Yes, Molly.

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

Mom, I don't understand why we have to move into the city.

The city is the centre of everything, guys. It will be a fresh start.

Colin's dad said that only minorities

and venture capitalists live in the city.

And now we do too.

Are we gonna meet any transvestites?

What's a transvestite?

It's a person who has a penis and a vagina and they live in the city.

That's not what it is.

All right, guys, this is the place.

I really have to pee.

Can you hold it a little longer?

Welcome to New York City.

We're only here because our parents are getting a divorce.

Not to sight-see or see Phantom of the Opera.

- Sadie. - You know I've read about this.

It's fairly typical behaviour for children of divorced.

How about taking the bags?

Mom, check this out! We're writing our names.

Oh God!

Well, you can't mope around for the rest of your life.

It's only been three weeks, Mom. Just give me some time.

Oh, such a smart girl.

But she never graduated college, and you hated her.

But the French, she spoke it so beautifully.

She was from there.

She was a Finklestein. It's hard not to love a Finklestein.

Anyway, I spoke to your cousin Ruth, and she arranged a job interview

with the women's centre where she used to work. Get you out of your funk.

I have a job, at the coffee shop.

Oh, it's depressing and you're a college graduate, Aram, for crying out loud.

You will finally put that Ladies Studies major of yours to good use.

It's a minor, Dad, and it's called sociology.

BA from Stanford, MA in journalism from Northwestern.

You do realize that this is a fact-checking job?

I've been raising two kids, and...

Well, the truth is... I'm getting divorced.

And I'm sure I'd be good at this because I'm very organized.

I love sports, well not hockey, so much.

You see, once the kids were born, I decided to stay home for a while.

Which was OK, because you know, babies take up a lot of time.

Maybe you don't know.

Anyway, eventually they went to school

and I started having more time on my hands.

And I compiled these stat books,

and made up this graphing system.

Yeah, hmm.

How?

Just time, and a great satellite TV package.

Aram Finklestein, that's a Jewish name, right?

Mm-hmm.

What are your feelings about women, Aram?

Are you kidding? I think they're great up until...

Recently I was planning on spending the rest of my life with a woman.

Not that I wanted to spend it with a man, I just...

This one experience with a woman, not a man,

kinda took away my faith in... Well, I guess, everything.

Aram, I know you took some women's studies courses in college.

But other than that, do you have any kind of experience

that you think might have prepared you for this job?

I used to buy tampons for my mother.

You will fit in perfectly, yes.

Thought I'd met my soul mate.

You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.

- She was just so... - Hot.

- It wasn't that. - Sexy.

It was something else. She needed me.

Yes, to get a green card.

There's gotta be more meaning to it all than this.

You know, living at your parents' place isn't exactly...grabbing life by the balls, you know.

I'm saving up.

I hate to tell you this but... you work in a coffee shop.

And your hot French wife left you for her brother.

Stop it.

Can I get you something?

Yeah, this ad says you have an apartment for rent?

Yeah, the owner has a loft upstairs...

Which I would be happy to show you.

- Sure. - Cool.

(WHISPERING) MILF.

I'm Mitchell, and this right here is Aram.

- What's MILF? - I don't know.

He's trying to figure out the meaning of life.

He also is a wonderful babysitter if you ever need one.

Just a perk of the apartment.

- Hey, little guys. - Mom, I do not want to live here.

I want my own room. How many more apartments do we have to look at?

- I found an apartment. - You're fast.

It's not great, but my husband won't be there so that's a plus.

How are you so well adjusted?

All those years with the PTA, I don't have a choice.

How's the job search?

I got one, fact checker at SNN.

You are unbelievable, you're almost fully healed.

You know, everyone says what a nightmare it is to get divorced, but I feel fine.

No residual or anything?

This is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Trapped in some suburban hell, same thing

day after day like a hamster on a wheel.

Up on your feet, let's ride to happiness.

All you need now to complete the healing is to get laid.

Oh no, that's one thing I'm not ready for.

Look, I don't expect you to fall in love with this guy.

This guy? Oh, no! What have you done?

My chiropractor, who fixed me up with that whole elevator shaft thing.

Anyway, he smells great, and went to an Ivy League college.

- Where? - Santa Barbara.

That's not Ivy League.

Well, he's in great shape, and he has a country house.

And I already told him all about you.

Wait, I think that's the kid who showed me the apartment.

The one who tried to kiss you?

No, he just works in the coffee shop right below.

- Too bad, he's cute. - Yeah, like, ten.

Nice ass, coffee boy.

Just go out with my chiropractor and have a good time,

maybe screw him, you know, if it seems right.

Have fun.

There's this huge kid, and he has like so much fat on him.

He sat at me at gym class, and told me he would change my name to Pablo.

- Frankie, that is terrible, are you OK, sweetie? - It's Pablo.

And yes, it was fun.

- So, listen... - Uh-oh.

- What? - Whenever you say, "So, listen,"

it's always something weird.

It's not weird, it's just that I'm thinking about going on a date.

I don't know whether I really want to,

but I think it'd be a positive step for me.

But I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it.

Are you gonna have sex with him?

That's an inappropriate question.

Eugh!

Hey guys, you know, if we're gonna live in the city,

we're gonna have to learn to deal with this kind of stuff, OK?

So just stick with me and be polite.

- Hello. - Hi.

Thanks you for coming in on such short notice.

I wouldn't normally put you on this type of situation,

without some training, but we're really in a bind.

- Whatever I can do to help. - OK, great, now why don't you put your suit on

and then meet me at the activities room.

- My suit? - Yeah, it's in the closet behind you.

Now try to hurry, self-defence class starts exactly at 5.30.

Mom, why do you have to do this?

Because now that we live in New York, we're gonna meet all kinds of different people.

and we need to know how to deal with them.

Like the man with the penis?

So you're walking down the street, and all of a sudden you hear...

(WOLF WHISTLES) "Hey, sweet lips, I like that ass.

"Hey, Mommy, why don't you come over here, sit on my face...?

"Hey, kid, how would like to make a quick 100?"

Yeah, sure.

No, you don't kid, you don't want that money.

Self-preservation in a city of predators.

That's what you will learn in here.

Let's meet our perpetrator.

Hi

No words, perp, unless they're scripted.

Begin scenario eight.

Hey, sweet lips.

Scenario three.

Hey, baby, that should be illegal.

Five.

Mrs Sanchez, it appears you have a yeast infection and...

..an unbelievable set of tits.

For our last exercise, I am going to demonstrate

what I call "ocean of anger."

Hold on, because we are about to go deep.

All of us as women have developed

a reservoir of resentment and anger.

And these reservoirs put together form an ocean,

and this ocean is available for all of us to draw from.

It holds the collective power of every woman

who has ever been wronged. An inappropriate sexual remark,

being underpaid for a job you've done better than a man,

an ancestor who was a slave.

Or rice picker, or simply

low man on the totem pole.

A husband who has wronged you, who has cheated and lied to you,

or you, or you, or you.

- I'm a lesbian. - See me after class.

All of this anger is present in all of you, right now and always.

I need a volunteer.

Mom!

Don't!

You are going to call upon this history

and unleash the ocean of anger on our perp.

I, er, just need a quick bathroom break.

Zip it, perp. Tell him to zip it.

- Zip it, perp. - Again, good, louder.

Zip it, perp.

Now tell him what you wanna tell him.

Dirty little fucking scumbag.

Take your disease-riddled whore and fuck her in hell

for all eternity.

While the devil burns you

with hot jagged metal,

and suffocates you with molten fury.

Now, unleash!

Oh, my God.

Is there a safe word I should be aware of?

COME ON!

Time out.

My life was never supposed to be this way.

It's OK.

I know you.

I don't see how getting beat up by a bunch of chicks everyday

is getting you closer to the meaning of life.

I'm helping people, I'm contributing to the world.

Not like an actor.

Buddy, I reflect life back unto itself, OK?

Thereby, taking a mirror, like a theatre mirror...

- Look at you. - Oh, it's not as bad as it feels.

My mom was sorry she beat you up so bad.

Thank you, Frankie.

Don't worry about it, your mom didn't beat me up.

I've been going through a lot...

- Can I get a blueberry muffin...? - Not right now, sweetheart.

I've been going through a lot recently I didn't realize how much it was affecting me.

- Don't worry about it. - Just saying sorry.

- I pick it out. - I helped.

If fell face first into it, you could die.

I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer

to baby-sit.

If it still holds, that is.

I don't really... I mean, I haven't in a little while...

I figured since they, hired you at the women's centre,

you must be trustworthy.

I guess I could pop upstairs some day after work for a couple of hours.

Would Thursday work?

- She has a date. - With a big pimp.

Where do you learn this stuff?

Olivia at school taught me, we play.

Whatever happened to kickball?

Would seven o'clock be OK?

Oh, great.

There are times when the lost must be found,

and other times when the lost must find themselves.

Very well said, Rabbi.

It's not that he's a bad little boy, just misguided, falling in with the wrong crowd.

Are you talking about me? I only hang out with you and Dad.

The battles are not only fought on the battlefield, Roberta, but also in the soul.

My soul is fine. It's great.

What does his future hold?

Mom, he's not a palm reader.

A new job is in order.

Luckily, my cousin is a head hunter. Are you interested in business, Aram?

Yes.

Kids, your babysitter's here. Come say hello.

Sadie usually goes to bed a bit later than Frankie,

but due to her unscheduled emergency surgery

- she will be going to bed the same time. - Oh my God.

Are you sure I should be staying with her after she just had surgery?

This was her surgery.

I told you it was dead when I found it.

Yes, but I highly doubt its organs have been harvested.

- I hate you. - Can I play Wii?

For half an hour.

- You're gonna be OK, right? - Yeah.

Truth is, I didn't know if I want to go on this date,

it's just my friend, she's kinda forcing me.

She thinks I need to get l...

Release some tension.

DOOR BUZZER

Do I look OK? Everything's in order?

It seems to be.

OK.

- Goodbye, Frankie. - Bye.

- Hey Frank. - Call me Pablo.

He also had some sub-cranial seizures as well as TMJ.

Wow. So what did you do?

I went right home and I took out my skeleton.

- Your skeleton? - It's not as weird as it sounds.

I have this bone replica skeleton, keep him in the house and I use him to figure stuff out.

This way I can put him in different positions and see how they affect his bone structure.

- It's a him? - Yes, it's a him.

Thought it would be weird if it was a her.

That way people might think I'm seeing somebody,

and it might actually drive away beautiful women like you.

I'm a mom.

Why did I say that?

It's OK, it's all right, I know. It's true.

You are a mom. And you are incredibly beautiful.

You have excellent posture.

Excuse me for just a second.

You haven't told me much about yourself.

My God.

- Hello! - I'm here.

I thought I'd lost you for a second.

You from the city originally?

No, I grew up just outside San Francisco.

That's a...great town.

Do you have any hobbies?

Just take care of my kids.

No, no, that's not a...hobby.

I used to like to windsurf.

Longboard? Shortboard? Ocean, lake, what?

Lake, mostly lake.

(HE GRUNTS)

I competed when I was younger.

Competitive windsurfer, that's impressive.

So?

You... Beautiful you, you...

You are fascinating.

What's your normal job?

- I work at the coffee shop. - I mean your real job.

It is my real job.

But you have a blow-up suit, too.

That was just once, I quit there.

- Didn't you go to college? - Yes.

I hope I have a real job by the time I'm your age.

Knockout!

The Pablo man knocked you out. I own you!

So are we gonna have fun tonight or you're gonna be one of those boring babysitters?

Hey, guys, it's me.

I don't know why you're not picking up. Anyway, I hope everything's OK.

Yeah, OK, bye.

Worried about the kids, huh?

My new babysitter hasn't much experience yet.

I know exactly what you need.

See, we all hold our tension somewhere.

For you, it's in your shoulders...

..and just a little bit in your ass.

As much experience as I have...

..I can tell just by the way people walk...

..and even by the way they smile.

No charge.

This thing got my arm.

I'm running through the woods.

Leave me one arm, please don't...

I'll get claustrophobic wearing human skin mask.

You couldn't even wear a Hulk mask last Halloween.

That's because it was hot and it smelled bad.

- That was your breath, retard. - Sadie...

- Actually... - Come on, you don't need to do...

It's 11 o'clock.

Got to get you to bed before your mom comes home.

- Tell us about The Exorcist. - OK.

I don't feel so good.

I might throw up.

This chocolate bar is bigger than you.

If you're gonna throw up, can we do it before your mom gets home, please?

If he throws up, I'll freak out.

I love throw ups.

- Eew, you love to eat throw up? - Sadie.

What?

You're gonna freak him out, you'll get us all in trouble.

You know what helps when I feel sick, Frankie?

- That was nice, listen... - What?

Eating a raw skinned pigeon with mustard and rotten milk,

just chewing on those intestines and those little bones...

- OK, off to bed, come on... - Yummy.

Touch my cock.

Stop the car.

- You have a problem. - I have a problem?

Thanks for offering.

I'd love to touch it.

In a taxi. It seems like the perfect place.

Hobbies?

Well...

Salsa dancing and windsurfing.

Home making.

How could this happen to me? Do you ever wonder that?

How could I have floated so far

off the path I thought I was on?

I just thought maybe

it would be some meaning to my life.

And that's the big joke.

I'm not making any sense.

Maybe you'll come back again...

..because I think the kids could really use some continuity.

Shit.

I have no fucking money. Can you believe that?

Can I pay you tomorrow?

It's no problem.

Hey, get you, eating a croissant.

French chick must be fading, huh.

- Don't change the music. - What, this shitty music?

Oops.

- What do you think about kids? - I think about making them all the time.

- That's not what I'm talking about. - What are you talking about?

I don't know, being entirely responsible for another human being's life.

It's crazy.

- Aram, Aram. - Mom's dead!

- What? - Come on.

She's not dead.

Could be post-mortem twitch.

Kids, fall back.

Sandy.

Sandy.

Sandy.

It's morning.

Oh, my God, I slept with a babysitter.

You didn't sleep with a babysitter.

We thought you were dead.

Yeah, we thought you might have asphyxiated on your own vomit.

Aram can take us to school. Because we're already late.

- Could you? - Sure.

Can you pick them up too?

Are those stat sheets ready yet?

Yeah, printer four.

Sandy, you got a minute?

- So Sandy... - Am I fired?

What! Why would you say that?

Because...

..I'm so hungover, I guess.

I have two kids and no husband.

I haven't had a real job since graduate school. I'm so sorry

Oh, please don't apologize.

I was really calling you in to see if you wanted to write for me.

I find the guys' stuff gets boring and repetitive.

And I saw that stat book you put together - amazing.

Clearly obsessive, reminds me of me.

Do you do yoga?

I'd do yoga if I could win.

I'm gonna take you some time.

- Thanks. - Hydrate.

Cool, what's your catchphrase gonna be?

I don't think it's gonna be like that, Frankie.

I'm just gonna be writing the basis of the story and she'll fill in the flavour.

- What about suck it? - Why are you such an idiot?

It's just an idea.

That's really exciting though, I mean, and you can even get some airtime.

I don't think so. - That will be cool, mom.

You have the face for it.

That's a nice thing to say.

"You have the face for it.", Hmm, love you, love you, love you.

I'm just saying that your mom has a face

that would look good on TV.

I'm very together, I never miss taking my kids to school.

You don't have to explain anything, I promise. I know what it's like to go through a divorce.

Are your parents divorced?

No, I am, sort of.

What? You're so young.

When do you have the time?

It was short-lived, her name was Alice,

she left me for her brother. He wasn't really her brother,

he was just posing as her brother so he could be close to her

so she could use me to get a green card.

What!? That is horrible.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

The worst part about it though is I can't bring myself to finalize the divorce

because if I do then she'll get kicked out of the country.

That would be so cruel, you know.

God, I wished I could get my husband kicked out of the country.

- It's that bad, huh? - Yeah.

- So sorry. - Oh, no, me too, for you.

You know, Aram, this has been really hard for me

and with a new job, there's gonna be some longer hours.

And I was thinking, maybe you'd be willing

to help us out on more of a full-time basis.

A nanny?

You're not from Trinidad, you're from the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

Did we send you to college for this? Harry?

You always said you just wanted me to be happy.

Within reason. This is not how you contribute to the world.

Mom, you work for Ralph Lauren.

People need clothes.

This family needs me, she just got divorced

and she got this great job

and she needs someone to trust to take care of these kids.

Mom, it's not like it's forever.

You know, I'm gonna be making money.

- Harry! - All right,

you're still going out on interviews for other jobs.

And in the meantime you can keep this one.

Aram Finklestein?

Is there anything going on at home?

Anything you'd like to talk to us about?

We'd do anything to help.

Sixteen...

The Eastern Conference is on the verge...

It would be a commitment not just to the job,

but to the community of people that work here.

You're going to get back whatever you put in.

Look at Yael here.

It takes more than good memory to have good memories.

(KIDS LAUGH)

Let me try it, get a job, I'm a freaking racer.

It's not the same... It's not the same thing. Because you have to say the freaking first to make it work.

It's much funnier with the freaking, right?

I'm just gonna go outside and grab a smoke.

Smoke? What are they, from the stone age?

You've got to find something wrong with every guy, don't you?

Did you see how long it takes the guy to order a bottle of wine?

His father owns a vineyard in Napa, so he knows a lot about it.

Like he mentioned several hundred times.

He mentioned it once.

Who is calling you? You don't have a life.

It's Aram, he taught me how to text.

- Oh my God! - What?

- You have a thing for the nanny. - Oh, please.

Excuse me!

He's just telling me that my kids are asleep.

Right. "Kids asleep. Frank took two-foot-long poop, we measured."

It's disgusting.

Just keeping me in the loop and I appreciate that.

He's very funny, sincere.

And besides, he's a lot more adult than those guys you set me up with.

In a 24-year-old kind of way.

- Let me see what you wrote. - No, no...you're not...

Wow. "About to bail on my date, set up Monopoly?"

This is pathetic. Seriously?

Yeah.

OK, here's the puss.

I would love you to meet Sunshine and Cinnamon.

Hi, I am Aram.

They love talking and stuff so...

Try to be normal, all right? Stay positive.

- Sorry. - Aram, hey.

It's a weird name.

Thank you.

Mitch tells me you're divorced.

It's weird, huh.

It's kinda normal to me, you know, it's my life.

So I'm kinda used to it, I guess.

I guess if you mean it's unusual, then yeah.

You've thought a lot about this.

I guess.

I love theories.

They make me a little horny.

I think I'm gonna go.

Oh. Yeah.

All right.

Hey, it's me, what are you guys doing?

We're just playing American Idol.

That was truly dreadful, Aram Finklestein, awful.

You were kinda little pitchy in the beginning but dawg, I mean you put it together in the end,

and man, you rocked.

Well, Randy liked me, but I still don't think I'm going to the next round.

I'm not gonna be able to make it home for dinner tonight.

Yeah, no problem. I could feed the kids.

You may have to put them to bed too.

A late one, huh?

Yeah, a couple of the Vikings players

were charged with sexually assaulting a stripper.

I have to come up with something pithy to lead with.

Well, Vikings have been attacking people on ships for centuries now.

Aram, that's perfect. I'll see when I get home, OK?

Sandy, you ready?

# Got a good job in the city

# Workin' for the man down in New Orleans. #

I'm sorry.

God!

I can't imagine there'd be many more days like this.

No prob, there's dinner for you on the table there.

Oh, thanks, you didn't have to do that.

Just whipped up some stuff that I learned on Top Chef.

The kids helped, and Frank's pretty good.

Delicious, wow, mmm... Wait.

I have these two tickets for the fight on Saturday.

I thought you might be able to use them.

Aren't the kids with their dad this weekend?

- Yeah. - And you don't wanna use these?

My girlfriend's not free and I couldn't face another date.

So take whoever you want.

- That's really nice, thanks. - You're welcome.

Hey, I was wondering if you were free this weekend.

because I've got these tickets to the big fight.

Tonight's main event is for New York State Heavyweight Championship.

Yeah, come on, one to the body.

SANDY KEEPS SHOUTING

Burn that liver!

Come on!

Come on, ref!

I hate it when the ref does that.

Why bother having a rest, just let them bare-knuckle it.

I can't believe you were thinking of not coming.

Me neither.

I could never be like this with Frank.

It was like I didn't even know if I was happy when I was with him.

What makes people do that? Just coast along.

And you know the thing that really sticks for me

is that I never got the chance to tell him how I felt.

He has this strange ability...

..to make me entirely lose my voice.

Like some superpower, it's crazy.

No Voice Man.

Steal Your Voice Man.

Quiet Man.

Dr Silence. That's a good one.

Hey, Aram, right?

Yael from Roscoe Mathis, I interviewed you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. How are you?

Dude, you're the only person that's ever said no to us. Most people would kill for that job.

Sorry about that.

Ringside at the fight, doesn't look like you're doing too bad.

Let me know if you ever change your mind.

- Thanks. - Good to see you again.

What?

It's just an entry level thing.

At Roscoe Mathis? And you let that go to be my nanny?

Idiotic.

I thought so too, for a minute.

I wasn't really thinking clearly there after Alice.

And suddenly I just had a very clear thought in my head.

What really matters are the people in my life.

You and your family were, are some of those people that make me feel good,

make my life good, every day. Anyway, I guess...

That is the most wonderfully

and jaded, naive thing I have ever heard.

It's rare to find a guy who's such a romantic.

I think he's got him.

Come on, come on.

Come on!

Come on, put him away!

Put him away!

Jesus Christ!

Bright light.

Just close those eyes.

- I'm not tired. - You've gotta sleep this off, buddy.

I'm gonna put these here, OK?

I really love your kids.

I know.

I had fun tonight.

Yeah... Me too.

Would you like it if I called you that? Not OK to call me that word, OK?

It's not a bad word, though. It's just means a female dog.

- I'm not gonna have a semantics debate, OK? - What are you doing here?

You know what it means, it's not OK to call me that, or anyone else for that matter.

You've been in the city for a few months, they're already totally corrupted.

- Dad's play sucks. - Frankie! What happened?

- Aram!? - Guys, careful...

Come on, you late night criminals.

That's not gonna work. Off to jail.

- Hey, guess what? - You wanna give me a million dollars?

We saw a dead deer on the side of the road.

Oh, even better.

We wanted to touch it, but Dad wouldn't let us.

Oh, how mean.

You running a home for delinquent boys?

Aram helps me with the kids, Frank.

The kids weren't here, so what's he doing here?

Can I just explain something to you?

You have no rights in this house, OK?

I don't like the way this separation is going.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm loving the way it's going, this is exactly how I envisioned my life.

Never noticed how weird this thing was.

That's mine.

What I wanna say, it's gonna come out wrong.

I want you back. I want our life back.

Why are you doing this?

The truth is I could have handled the kids, I just wanted to see you.

You must miss me, at least a little.

I don't want you here.

Of course, I don't wanna be here.

If you're good, I'll come back and do the grudge.

You could even work if you wanted to.

Part time.

I've imagined this...

So many things I wanted to say to you.

(ARAM) Ahem.

We're not gonna need you anymore.

Unless you wanna grab a bite to eat and he can sit. Are you on hourly?

I think Sandy had something that she wanted to say to you.

Didn't you?

Yeah.

I just wanted to tell you about some feelings I've been having.

You know...

..regarding you and your treatment of me.

What she wanted to say was...

and, this is pretty much, word for word, if I remember properly,

that you're a dirty little fucking scumbag

and I might be paraphrasing here, but you should

take your disease-riddled whore and fuck her in hell for all eternity.

While the devil burns you with hot jagged metal

and suffocates you with molten fury.

Molten fury, that's right.

Fucking nuthouse.

Don't come begging to come back.

This was the last straw.

That was really good.

And by the way, I never loved you.

And I'm changing our son's name to Pablo

so I'll never have to be reminded of you.

I'm stuck here, you little bitch.

OK...

You are off tomorrow, come take me out.

Dude, back in the saddle!

Who's the unsuspecting lovely lady?

- Her name? - Yes.

The thing that you will be calling out in bed.

If she's all up on you...

Sandy.

It's your boss' name, isn't it?

Wait a minute, are you gonna diddle your boss?

Oh, that's hot.

Oh, wait, no, she's like 60, though, I thought.

She's 40.

But she's got like a hundred kids, though.

Two.

So, when's this all going down?

Actually, tonight.

Dude...

..tonight's my showcase.

I sent you a postcard.

Right. It's just that she already hired another babysitter.

Work's been really busy so finding another time would be virtually impossible.

You understand.

Welcome one and all to the second annual Hooligan Theater group showcase workshop.

I am your host, actor, director, choreographer, Magnus Croom.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

You are about to see 46

of the most daring the most empathetic beings in this, our fair city.

Offering to you performances from their favourite works of stage and screen.

Please keep your seats throughout

for there will be no intermission. Thank you and let the magic begin.

STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA!

STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA!

To be...

..or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether it is nobler

in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Juicy, juicy beef steak. Tomato.

An evening of vegetables...

There he is.

I had him in view.

I was peeling over the egg into a dive.

He saw me when I moved in for the kill. There wasn't any danger.

Is that how you remember it, Maverick?

- Is this Top Gun? - I'm pretty sure.

The rules of engagement are not flexible, Maverick.

They are there for your safety. You will obey them, is that clear?

Maverick!

Yes, sir, perfectly clear.

I guess we...

I...

was just a little over enthusiastic.

I guess you were.

Dismissed.

Dismissed!

Keep it simple, and lie.

Hey, oh, bro, I'm so glad you made it.

I made it... I'm here.

Saw the whole thing.

Even your part.

Was that Top Gun?

You know it was.

Sweet.

We thought you were really great.

I loved your post-modern take on the whole thing

and it was creative how you acknowledged how derivative it was.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I told you guys...

I told you people would get it.

You gotta go party with us.

I guess in a tree house.

Outdoor shower.

Refrigerator.

IN a refrigerator?

All over it.

In the display case of the coffee shop where I work.

Don't do that if you don't want to.

The craziest place...

I have to say...

on a surfboard, in the ocean.

Sesha buche.

It's really romantic.

Hello, Aram.

Mon dieu, I've been thinking so much about you lately.

Hi, Alice.

I have regrets about, you know, how I broke up with you.

I found I have this problem with sex

because I just use it to get what I want and I really think that's what I did with you.

I would love to meet with you,

so we can talk and I can make some apologies to you.

- Amends? - Yes, amends.

I'm really sorry.

You know, I should get going. I don't wanna keep my sister waiting.

What?

- I'm so hot. - Tell me about it.

Wow...

The girls ain't even been in the house an hour yet. It's time for me now.

So?

It was...loooong.

I know, I figured you went to a hotel or something.

Oh, please.

Honey, what's with your hair?

What?

OK, fine.

It was awkward and kid of tedious.

Did you just say kid of tedious?

I mean he's a kid and it was tedious.

Sounds like you didn't give him a chance.

Did you even kiss those young, supple lips?

We didn't get there.

We went to his friend's acting showcase and to this after-party at a loft.

Acting showcase?

But now I need a bath.

All right. My God.

What?

Thanks for babysitting.

OK.

- Sorry you couldn't get laid. - Shut up.

Tedious?

Just trying to get rid of her.

It was or wasn't?

Oh, wait a minute, not quite so much tongue.

That's specific.

Oh, God.

That's gross.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, God.

Frank? What are you doing up?

Was Aram peeing on you?

No!

I would never do that.

OK, are you sleeping over?

- No. - No.

- No? - Oh, well.

Don't forget your pants.

So does that mean you and Mom are gonna have a baby?

No!

I don't get it. You said that sper makes a baby.

Sperm. And it does.

Can we stop talking about this, please?

I like your mother and I think she likes me,

and that's all that's important.

You also work for her.

- Whose turn is it? - Mine.

OK.

Come on, Frankie, let's get off the doughnut.

How is that possible?

So, you like Mom.

- Are you two gonna date now? - I don't know.

You don't really know anything, do you?

I mean, she's kind of your girlfriend.

Are you gonna be our new dad?

- And if so, who will be our nanny? - Yeah, and what do we call you?

Jesus, I'm not being nominated to Supreme Court here, guys, I just had sex with your mother.

When I say sex, I mean that I gave her

a nice massage.

With sperm.

Oh, you conniving little liar. Was he hiding in the hall?

My God, he was.

- It's all so dirty. - It's not dirty.

OK, it's a little dirty.

Well, you got that out of your system. Now you're free to meet your next real guy.

What does that mean?

It means now when you meet a viable man he won't have to be your rebound.

Because your nanny was your rebound.

It gives you pleasure to say that, doesn't it?

I'm not sure I buy into the rebound thing.

What, you're gonna date the nanny?

Was having one night stand with a nanny more dignified?

No, just more practical.

I guess.

Wait a minute.

You actually have feelings for this kid?

Feelings? I have feelings for everyone. That's the way the world works.

God, you're in serious justification mode.

Why do you have to be so cynical?

I mean, I don't judge your blatant disregard for recycling.

This is not about judgment. This is about my friend

and what is realistic and what is not realistic for her.

It's about me not wanting to see you get hurt.

Happy birthday!

Thank you.

Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? Are you four? Are you five?

We get it.

You need anything?

Stop it.

OK.

So did Aram tell you about this operation I'm having?

- Harry? - No.

They're gonna give me a new asshole.

There are children here.

- Cool, like from a dead guy? - Sadie.

I think they're gonna just fashion one out of something.

Hopefully, something elastic.

Awesome.

Excuse me.

This is so...weird.

My dad telling you about his surgery?

Yeah. I didn't know they could even do that.

You look really pretty.

No, no...

- We're in your parents' house. - I know.

Where is everybody?

Just a little red, but I don't think it's strep.

Cake time.

This one is just from me.

Gummy bears and hand lotion.

Thanks, Dad.

Please. Open your mother's.

- No, no, he'll open yours. - You're his mother.

Well, you're his employer. I insist.

You will love it.

It's not fake poop, is it?

- No. - That's for Christmas.

Oh, now Christmas?

What have we got here?

The human totem pole.

Gotta get you up there next time.

I don't think so.

This is great, thank you so much.

- Good. - This is perfect.

Thanks, Mom.

- That one's just from me. - So nice.

Where did you get these butterflies?

My grandmother gave that to my father and I think it's time for you to have that.

The message applies all these years later.

A mother's love can never be replaced.

- Never. - Never.

Thanks, Mom.

It's antique.

- Whoa, that's cool. - Beautiful.

- I might throw up. - What's the chances?

60-40.

60-40, huh?

Which direction?

70-30 now.

At least you're, we're in your percentages.

Sing me a song.

No, you have to go to bed.

Sing me a song, or I'll throw up on you.

When you put it that way.

Let's see. Let me reach into my repertoire here.

# Baby

# If we can solve any problems

# Why are we losing all these tears?

# There you go again

# When the leading man appears

# Always the same thing

# Don't you know you got everything going on and on and on

# Every time you go away

# You take a piece of me with you. #

Grow up.

Stay tonight.

Are we sure this guy is real? I mean, has anybody met him?

He has no time to meet us, he has high school and all that homework...

Isn't he on a baseball team?

He's just running a little late.

Well, he's definitely responsible for an attitude change, because you

well, you can't just stop smiling.

- She's glowing. - Well, he's doing something right.

I am sorry I'm late.

Babysitter needed to be walked through everything.

Hi. I'm Aram.

I'm sorry, this is Aram.

Would you like a Coke or something?

- Scott. - I'll take some wine.

So Aram, I've heard a lot about you.

I hope all good things.

That you're wonderful with children, that you're a great cook...

that you were born in 1983.

Jesus! I was pregnant in 1983.

Let's just go on and get it out on the table, get it out in the open so we can enjoy our dinner.

Yes, I was born in the early '80s.

She also told me that you were very handsome and that seems to be true.

I think that it's great you guys are together.

In the words of the bard...

"The heart wants what it wants."

You are so gay.

Sir, are you ready?

I can be.

Scott, right? Do you mind if I borrow your glasses?

You know, I'm just kidding, I'm only 25, I don't need reading glasses.

Don't you wanna

travel around the world, you know,

get crazy, rock Cleveland

do things that people your age are supposed to do?

Rock Cleveland?

Yeah, rock it.

You know what I mean. Live.

To tell you the truth, this is the most alive I've ever felt.

You have to be so goddamn romantic.

What about kids? Kids of your own.

It's not like you're 50.

But I'm an old 40.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm wrinkly.

You have no wrinkles on your face, do you?

You seem to have eyes, something that I really love about you.

I love you.

And when you compliment me I love it, when you compliment me.

You know, I heard you the first time.

I have no idea what you were referring to.

- No? You said I love you. - I didn't say that.

I'm pretty sure you did.

And I love you too.

Really?

Sorry, but I do.

Let's just...take it slowly.

Slowly.

Teram Owens, the man with more baggage than a first class passenger on the Titanic.

Reaching but funny.

TO, the Pig-Pen of the National Football League -

wherever he goes he is surrounded by the stink of controversy.

I like it.

All that sex really agrees with your creative side.

Are you OK? You look pale.

No, I'm just dizzy from following you around.

Well, get that to me, please, right away.

All right.

It helps me think.

We should talk.

I knew this was coming.

You think the books that I read are too juvenile.

I know, it's just I have always liked this stuff...

I'm pregnant.

But...

I pull out most of the time.

I know you're not ready for this, please know that I know that.

I'd feel the same way if I were you.

Wow. I just thought that we, that you wanted to take things slowly.

I did.

This is...

..big.

This is...very...big.

I should have been more careful.

I know this sounds crazy...

I don't blame you.

..but I think I wanted this to happen.

What?

You said it yourself - you don't wanna just coast,

you know, just coast along, but this isn't coasting.

This is roller coasting.

Oh, my God.

Not "oh God". This is a good thing,

not the roller coasting thing, that was cheesy, but...

having a baby with you, that's not cheesy.

I mean... That's not what I'm saying, just...

Excited, I wanna be your father.

What?

No, I wanna be a father with you as the mother, that's the important part.

You being a mother.

You know, my god, I hope the kid is like you.

I hope the kid's like you.

A girl with brown eyes...

or a boy with brown eyes...

or just any colour eyes.

Eyes in the baby's head, not just eyes. That wouldn't work.

What about Guillaume?

For a boy, obviously.

Guillaume Finklestein?

Point taken.

What about Ira?

OK, the doctor will see you now.

Great.

OK, so...

So?

The blood work is normal.

In other words, you are healthy.

And that is always a good sign for future pregnancies.

What do you mean future?

I mean, this here is what we call an ectopic pregnancy.

There are any number explanations for this, it's not necessarily because of your age.

God.

This is something that happens periodically.

An embryo was formed, but it takes root inside the fallopian tube

instead of the uterus. This doesn't mean you can't have children again in the future...

Sandy. Sandy. Sandy...

This was crazy.

I mean, what were we thinking, anyway?

You are so young.

God!

You live at your parents' house and technically you work for me

and I was thinking about having your baby?

What is going on?

Do you have to know?

Can't we just find out?

That is a deceivingly mature thing to say.

Why is it deceiving?

Because you're 25 years old.

You get drunk off half a beer

and you read the Harry Potter series in your spare time.

A lot of adults read those books.

And besides, the way I remember it, you're the one that asked me out.

I appreciate that you feel this could work

more than you ever know.

You are such a good person,

a real special person.

I mean not filing for divorce so your horrible ex-wife can get a green card.

What would be the point?

See, that's what I mean, someone like you shouldn't be with someone like me.

An old girlfriend with two kids.

You're an ageist...

Yeah, yeah... I'm an old ageist.

Oh, please, don't patronize me.

I may live with my parents and get drunk off half a beer

and yeah, I admit to being slightly adrift thus far in my life,

but I'm not a complete idiot...

I know how I feel about you.

It's you that doesn't know how you feel about me.

I just wish you had the guts to say it.

You have meant so much to me and my family...

..but this doesn't make sense.

I mean, what future could we possibly have?

You know what I'm gonna miss the most?

It's you...

Your friendship.

I'll see you soon.

Think of all the fun things that we did...

GENERAL CHATTER

Fresh blood for our company.

Yeah, I saw in your resume that you had coached...

TANNOY: 207 to Paris, France...

Come on, please. Come on, please.

Please.

Travel thing. I'm from New York.

I'm from Istanbul.

You know it's not gonna go out.

President Obama throws out the first pitch...

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Go!

Graduating class of 2012.

Sadie Pageant.

And Sadie also received the award for best science project.

As we sign off from this, our 10,000th episode,

we need to say a special thanks to you for bringing us into your homes,

but most of all to those unsung fanatics.

- who make us look good. - Yeah, we do look good.

- I'm Laura Riley. - And I'm Scott Reynolds,

TMI coming at you next.

APPLAUSE

Sandy, you got a minute?

Hello! Hello.

Hello, people.

Our illustrious leader, Ken Gordon, has an announcement to make.

Although change can be painful, change can also be a good thing -

a necessary step in the evolution of a company, a family like ours...

From the beginning of time, all the way to today,

there are certain things that you will always find.

Now, if you look at the pictures, can anyone see what they all have in common?

- Liv. - There are people in all of them.

Exactly, great answer.

So almost everywhere you go in the world you're gonna find these little communities of people

just like you guys. You guys are a community...

Your class, your family...

I just came back from Mozambique.

- OK. - I've been to the Nantucket Film Festival.

CHILDREN CALL OUT

Aram?

Hey.

You're the only one who gets gifts from the kids at the end of every tour.

That's probably because they're so excited the tour is over.

Good to see you.

I was gonna go get a drink. You wanna join me?

You know what, I actually...

Have plans already...

I do.

You're impossible.

I've heard that before.

- See you tomorrow. - OK, have a good night.

Here's to your mother - the newest and undoubtedly most qualified anchor

at the network, very deserved.

Thank you.

- Congratulations, Mom. - Thanks.

I know your own show is big step up, but I'm gonna miss you.

I will be one studio over, and I will come and guest anchor with you.

All girls - I don't think they've done that yet.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

All right.

Gotta use the ladies' room,

then we can stuff our faces.

So let's see...

- Sorry. - Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow!

- How are you? - How are you?

You first.

I'm good, yeah, good.

Kids are great...

I just got promoted.

I'm gonna start anchoring.

I've watched you on TV, you're fantastic.

But that's not any surprise.

You look really good.

I'm 30.

I'm sorry about...you know...things.

Don't even...

It's just timing.

Travelled around the world.

- Oh, you did? - Never rocked Cleveland.

but some pretty amazing things happened to me.

Dad, I told you I could do it myself.

I knew you could do it yourself. I bumped into a friend of mine.

Sandy... I want you to meet my son, Zeke.

I met him in Bangladesh and we kinda fell in love with each other.

It took a couple of years, but now I'm his dad.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Zeke Finklestein.

You are, huh?

I'm Sandy.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

God, I bet you're an amazing dad.

And his mom?

Just me and Zeke. It's hard to find someone that's good enough for us.

Right?

And what about you? Boyfriend?

Dating...wasn't my thing...I discovered.

That's too bad.

Would you like to join us?

You know, the kids would be thrilled, they...

- I'm with my parents... - They talk about you all the time.

Oh, you had me so worried, did you fall in? I thought you fell in.

Mom, you remember Sandy?

How could I forget? You talk about her every day.

I was just saying to Aram, you know, if he wants to join us...

Oh, are you kidding? We would love to, we would love to! Come with me.

Harry, get up, we're moving.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't say you did anything, I said we're moving tables..

Hey, guys, look who I just bumped into.

Oh my...

Look at how huge you are. You look like you're 13.

- I am. - What?

I want you guys to meet someone - this is my son Zeke.

- You wanna play Game Boy? - Yeah, go ahead, take a seat.

Nice to see you. It's been years.

Yeah.

We all get older and you stay the same.

- Hello. - Hi.

What a surprise.

You remember us, do you?

- You came to our house, remember? - They're a group. They're already a group.