The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Not so fast! You're driving too fast!

What are you driving so fast for?

You were up to 35. You know I don't like to go over 30!

You're always doing something else and having your mind on something else.

-I'm sorry, Mother.

-You haven't heard a word I said.

-Yes, I have.

-What did I say?

You said I was up to 35, and you didn't like me to go over 30.

Not that. I said we're going to have it in a church.

-Have what, Mother?

-The wedding!

-Oh.

-See? You weren't listening.

Red light, Walter.

That reminds me.

Bring me home some soap chips. I like the Sea Drift brand.

They don't make you sneeze.

Go ahead, Walter.

Now don't forget the name - Sea Drift.

'Somewhere off the South China coast, in the worst typhoon in 40 years,

'the little schooner, India Queen, ploughed through an ocean gone mad.

'Straining pumps went ta-pocketa, ta-pocketa.

'Up on deck, Captain Walter Mitty stood at the helm,

'fighting courageously from keeping this tortured vessel,

'from being smashed to bits.'

What are you doing here? Get below!

Can't I help? You haven't had your clothes off in three days!

Somebody's gotta get the India Queen through.

There's half a million dollars of rare spices aboard this ship!

I promised your father I'd get it through.

Captain Mitty, you're hurt!

It's nothing! Just a broken arm!

SHE SCREAMS

Walter! Watch out!

TYRES SCREECH

I'm sorry.

Did you write down all the things I told you to write down?

-I'll remember them.

-Oh, no, you won't.

You just make a note of it in your little black book.

Number two thread.

-Snapdragon seeds.

-Wait a minute.

Sock stretchers, can of Gleamo Floor Wax,

-Gleamo what?

-Gleamo Floor Wax.

Fly spray.

-What's that "SS"?

-Sock stretchers.

-Well, write it out.

-All right.

And cheese grater.

And don't forget to return this sprinkling can.

I tried it out this morning, and the holes are too small.

Tell them I have better things to do than wait for the water to come out.

Bye, darling.

Careful, sweet. Don't forget the cake!

-What?

-The cake!

Back in the car, please.

Keep that thing in, bud!

Excuse me.

-Morning.

-Good morning.

Oh, Mitty.

Here are those drawings you wanted.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Oh, that's pretty, Mr Grimsby.

Yeah, it's a bit mild.

I think I ought to tear the dress off her other shoulder.

You could use a little more blood on the axe.

Well, good morning, everybody.

You think I'd forgotten you? Here we are.

Now stop, Elmer. You've had enough already.

Come on. There.

Hey, dream boy.

-The old man's screaming for you.

-Oh! The conference.

Let's see. "Spicy Sea Stories." Here we are.

"Air Aces."

Hold it! Raise your hands just a little.

Still!

-Hello, Fred.

-How's it going, Walter?

Fine.

Gentlemen, it will be the regular practice of the firm till...

Well, Mitty.

So you finally chose to honour us with your presence.

-Yes, sir.

-Where are the proofs to Air Aces?

-Right here, Mr Pierce. Ready to go.

-Put it to bed.

-Mitty!

-Yes, sir?

What is the meaning of this?

Meaning of what, Mr Pierce?

You had the vampire killed off,

of the first instalment of The Lady And The Vampire.

There are 33 issues to go.

-But he isn't really dead.

-What do you mean he isn't dead?

The villagers drove a stake through his heart!

Anybody knows that kills a vampire!

Yes, but if you read further on you'll find the stake only went through a lung.

You don't have to worry. He'll be back sucking blood in the next issue.

Well, sit down.

If you'd been here on time you'd know why I called this meeting.

To repeat, ladies and gentlemen.

Ours is a great and proud list of magazines.

Racy Detective Stories, Astounding Adventure Tales,

Wild Confessions, Air Aces.

-Frontier Stories...

-Exotic Love Stories.

-And Sensational Murders.

-And Sen...

Mitty, when I need your help I'll ask for it.

But a new and virgin field of fiction has come to my attention.

A rich and as yet untapped vein,

embracing thousands of undiscovered readers.

Starting the first of next month we go to press with a new baby.

Hospital Love Stories.

-Congratulations! You've done it again!

-Thank you, gentlemen.

-Well, what do you think?

-Oh! I've always liked it, Mr Pierce.

Don't you remember? I suggested the idea in a memorandum last month.

Oh, that! I had this idea two years ago.

Now, the type of stories we need -

you may take notes, gentlemen.

Now, let me see.

Hospital Love Stories.

What have we got to sell?

Beautiful blonde nurses.

We can't have too many nurses.

Capture the glamour of the hospital. You get the idea?

'With the compassionate look of a man who had seen much too much pain,

'Dr Walter Mitty, the surgical genius,

'entered the breathless hush of the operating room,

'the sound of the huge anaesthetizing machine,

'going ta-pocketa, ta-pocketa.

'There were whispered introductions.'

I'm glad you came. Dr Remington. Dr Renshaw.

Dr Pritchard-Midford, St John's Hospital, London.

-Dr Walter Mitty.

-Gentlemen.

The new anaesthetiser's giving way.

There's no-one in the East who knows how to fix it.

Quiet, man.

Give me your fountain pen.

-That will hold for ten minutes.

-Astounding!

He's not only the greatest surgeon in the world,

he's also a mechanical genius.

You'd better get on with the operation.

Good heavens!

-What is it?

-Coreopsis has set in.

Poor devil!

Would you take over, Mitty?

If you wish.

It's hopeless.

There's only one chance, gentlemen.

The Vienna Trepan.

The operation Heinzelman performed on a rabbit?

Precisely.

Blood pressure, please.

Thirty over two hundred.

Scalpel.

Sock stretcher.

Sprinkling can.

Cheese grater.

Floor wax.

Needle and number two threads.

There you are.

Oh, Doctor, do you think...

-Will he...

-There, there, Miss Cartwright.

Your brother will play the violin again.

I just grafted new fingers on him.

Oh, you're wonderful!

Wonderful!

You'll want some rest now.

Wonderful.

VOICE TRAILS OFF

Mitty! I asked you a question. I expect an answer!

Ta-pocketa, ta-pocketa...

What's that?

I was just thinking, sir.

We might possibly put out a pocket-size edition.

-Pocket-size edition?

-Yes, sir.

-For pockets.

-You weren't thinking at all!

-You were daydreaming again!

-Oh, no, sir! I was really thinking.

I was thinking about hospitals for hospital stories.

I finished talking about hospitals ten minutes ago!

The subject, for your information, is the next issue of Racy Detective.

Pocket-size edition.

Not a bad idea.

-Hello.

-Hello, Mother.

-You forgot to bring the cake.

-What cake?

Gertrude and her mother are coming to dinner.

I asked you to bring home a cake.

What's that thing?

I thought you said "rake."

You're getting more absent-minded every day.

It's all that daydreaming you do.

I brought everything else - the number two thread,

the Gleamo wax, the sock stretchers.

-Did you bring the snapdragon seeds?

-No. They didn't have any.

The man said petunias were just as pretty.

Don't you ever forget. When I say snapdragon seeds,

I mean snapdragon seeds.

Yes, Mother.

Just leave everything in the hall. I'll take care of it.

Hurry and get cleaned up. They'll be here any minute.

All right, Mother.

-Is there any mail for me?

-No.

-Who are you expecting a letter from?

-Nobody.

I just thought there might be some mail.

Don't use the guest towels.

I just put them up.

Use the one on your door.

All right, Mother.

And put on that clean shirt I hung up for you.

And use some of the cologne Gertrude gave you for Christmas.

Do I have to? It smells like ether.

Don't be silly. It's lovely,

and the least you can do for your fiancee.

Oh, all right.

Oh, gosh!

-Irmagarde!

-Eunice, how are you?

Come in, dear, and Gertrude.

My, what a sweet hat!

And, Gertrude, you look too cute for words.

I hope you don't mind my bringing Queenie, Mrs Mitty.

She doesn't like to be alone.

Do you, Queenie, in that great, big empty house?

Not at all, dear.

Walter, there's someone down here to see you, dear.

-Hello, Mrs Griswold.

-Dear Walter.

-Hello, Gertrude.

-Come along, Irmagarde.

What's that awful smell?

It's that cologne you gave me for Christmas.

It's lovely, isn't it?

Queenie, say hello to your future daddy,

"Walty Mittens."

Don't stand there like a stick. Wave back.

Hello, Queenie.

DOG YELPS

Naughty Queenie!

There you are, Queenie.

Mommy's precious.

-Have you talked to your boss yet?

-No, I haven't.

I certainly think you should talk to him and get two or three months off.

-Two or three months!

-Frankly I don't approve of honeymoons.

All that packing!

Walter's always head his heart set on seeing Yellowstone Park.

-Why?

-Why?

I don't know. I just thought I'd like to see Yellowstone Park.

Do they let dogs in there?

Honey, you weren't thinking of taking Queenie along?

-I was only asking!

-I wouldn't dream of leaving Queenie!

Queenie and Walter don't trust each other. That's why they don't get along.

She always starts! You see?

Queenie, you old crosspatch.

I don't think she's feeling well.

Why don't you try that new vitamin puppy biscuit?

Walter would be happy to pick some up for you.

That would be wonderful.

-Make a note of that, dear.

-Yes, Mother.

Walter, you haven't touched your nice milk toast.

-I'm not hungry.

-You know the doctor said,

it would be good for your nervous stomach.

That's why the Air Corps turned him down.

It must be cold in here.

Queenie's shivering.

Yes, Mother. I know. The furnace.

Excuse me.

Walter's a very lucky boy.

Tubby Wadsworth has proposed a half a dozen times.

He's still doing it!

'The Spitfire dived through the clouds, its machine guns belching lead.

'Oblivious to the ominous ta-pocketa, ta-pocketa of his failing engines,

'Wing Commander Walter Mitty, the most feared man in RAF Desert patrol,

'clung to the tail of the Messerschmitt.'

Himmel's villain. It's Walter Mitty.

I am a lost man.

'Mitty's jaw was a grim, straight line,

'as he gave the Jerry three more lethal bursts,

'and watched him go down in flames.'

# As I go rolling home

# I'm as happy as a king, believe me... #

I say, fellas! There's Group Captain Mitty.

He made it!

CHEERING

-Mitty, how many this time, old boy?

-Oh...

-Hello, sir.

-Good show, Mitty.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-That makes 73, doesn't it?

No, 71 actually. two were only probables, you know.

Oh. Spot of brandy?

Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.

I say, old chap. You're wounded.

It's nothing, sir. Merely a scratch. Set the bone myself.

Priceless fellow.

-I wish we had more like you.

-Thank you, sir.

-Anything troubling you, sir?

-Young Raleigh.

Got a case of nerves. I promise the general we'd get that tank dump.

Oh, bad luck, sir.

-Is it vital?

-Vital?

Our whole desert campaign depends upon it.

Oh, I see.

Put young Raleigh to bed, sir.

-What do you mean?

-I'll fly his mission.

You? You haven't closed your eyes in three days.

I know, sir, but we only live once.

Or do we?

-Shall we have a go at it?

-Cheerio.

-Mitty looks a bit done in, fellows.

-Yes, he does.

Got the courage of a lion, though. Never gives up.

He's a delightful fellow.

I studied music with him at the Academy.

I shall never forget his impersonation of old Professor Gruenwald.

-Do you remember?

-Rather.

Almost drove the old professor barmy.

-I wish he'd do it now.

-So do I.

Go ahead, Mitty. I'd rather enjoy a laugh myself.

All right, sir.

Say, let me have your coat, old boy.

Oui, monsieur.

There you are! He's doing it now.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-All right! Everybody scatter away to the chairs here!

Come on, everybody!

Everybody sit down.

Children, what makes music music?

Music! Und why?

# When to the symphony you go and they're playing fast but slow

# Do you hear the pizzicato's sweet hello when you go

# Or the flugelhorns up high Or the fiddles when they cry

# No, und why

# Because you don't go. #

You see, children. A symphony is not only music.

It tells a story which has a beginning, middle und an end.

Except of course, the Unfinished Symphony,

which has a beginning,

We will now take up the instruments.

# There is the trombone

# Und the tuba

# Und the oboe

# Und the saxophone, sousaphone zither and xylophone

# Clarinet, bugle horn fiddle and flugelhorn

# Tenor kazoo and the timpani too... #

They are all very busy, except the cymbal.

He stands in the corner and looks around in disgust.

HE MIMICS A CRASHING CYMBAL

This brings us to Symphony Number 45,

Which was written by the great Czechoslovakian composer,

Andre Griminick...

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

..the Second.

This work was composed under a slight disadvantage.

He had no talent.

The conductor lifts his baton, und we start.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STARTS

SINGLE WOODWIND NOTE PLAYS

SINGLE WOODWIND NOTE PLAYS

WOODWIND NOTES PLAY

MUSIC PLAYS

This is just mood music.

Now comes the first movement - presto vivace argumento molto,

cantabile molto chocolate molto.

Und we have the first theme which is naturally played on the first fiddle.

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

This represents a young girl which is living with her wicked guardian,

who is a French horn.

HE MIMICS A FRENCH HORN

Now this young girl...

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

..who is a beautiful girl...

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

..und her wicked guardian...

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

..live all alone on a farm.

And all she has for company are a hen...

HE MIMICS A HEN

..und a dog...

HE MIMICS A DOG

..jund a nanny goat.

HE MIMICS A GOAT

At this point in the symphony, along comes a handsome young trumpet.

HE MIMICS A TRUMPET

Und when he clasps his eyes on this young girl,

his heart goes...

HE MIMICS A MUSICAL HEARTBEAT

This is Czechoslovakian for thumping.

LAUGHTER

Und he gets so excited that he has a solo passage.

Which brings us to the second movement where the fiddle is happy.

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

Und the trumpet is happy.

HE MIMICS A TRUMPET

When suddenly, out stalks the French horn.

HE MIMICS A FRENCH HORN

The little fiddle is so "putrefied," her bridge falls out.

HE MIMICS A FIDDLE

Und the trumpet says...

HE MIMICS A TRUMPET

But the French horn is very objectionable to this.

HE MIMICS A FRENCH HORN

Und the trumpet blows his top.

HE MIMICS A TRUMPET

Shut up! Now I know who you are!

You are not a French horn at all! That...

HE MIMICS A FRENCH HORN

..had me fooled for a while. But a...

gave you away.

You are a German glockenspiel in disguise, beyond a doubt,

wanted by the police for drowning 12 little fiddles out.

The glockenspiel tries to escape to his flat,

but the animals are too sharp for him.

HE MIMICS A DOG

In the leg!

HE MIMICS A HEN

In the neck!

HE MIMICS A HEN

In the face!

HE MIMICS A GOAT

In the other place!

The glockenspiel is trapped, his escape they are foiling.

So he jumps into a kettledrum which is boiling!

HE MIMICS A BOILING KETTLEDRUM

# Hooray, the bad old glockenspiel is dead... #

HE IMPROVISES A QUICK-FIRE TUNE

-# Happy little fiddle and trumpet are wed...

-#

HE IMPROVISES A QUICK-FIRE TUNE

HE INTENSIFIES

HE STOPS

HE RESUMES AND BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO

APPLAUSE

-Very good show.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-See you at headquarters.

-Yes, sir.

Oh, you are so brave.

So strong! So handsome!

You like Cosette, no?

Rather.

Cheerio.

Walter.

Walter.

Will you please come up here? Your milk toast is getting soggy!

Right-o, Mother!

Ow!

If you'd gotten up on time, you'd have made the 7:45.

There was no reason to oversleep!

I had to stay up and read those proofs for Mr Pierce.

Take a cab from the station, never mind the expense.

I'll take it out of your allowance. Goodbye, dear.

Hurry, now! Hurry, dear!

Bye! The rake!

And don't forget the birdseed and unbleached muslin!

-Goodbye, Mother.

-Goodbye, darling.

-May I?

-Pardon me.

Manhattan Transfer.

Manhattan Transfer.

Manhattan Transfer.

Goodbye, darling.

Have a nice day at the office.

I'll see you at Mother's tonight.

Hello.

Hello.

I thought you got off at Manhattan Transfer?

I just pretended to. I was trying to avoid a masher.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry if I gave the wrong impression...

Oh, it wasn't you. But I appreciate your coming to my assistance.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Well, goodbye.

Oh, darling! You shouldn't have done it!

Oh, it's the loveliest bracelet in the world!

Come! We'll go to the dressmakers together.

What's the matter?

You've a good face.

Well, you've a good one too.

Don't be alarmed. I'm not going to kiss you again.

I wasn't thinking about that.

I think I can trust you, Mr..

Mitty. Walter Mitty.

-My name is Rosalind van Hoorn.

-How do you do?

Gee, that's a pretty name.

I need your assistance, Mr Mitty. Will you help me?

-Me? How?

-I'm on my way to meet the Hollandia.

I'm being followed, and I'm frightened.

Please come with me.

-You're frightened?

-Yes.

-And you want me to help you?

-Yes.

Gosh.

If you were along I wouldn't have to worry.

Well, I guess I could handle myself in a pinch.

I do a little boxing at the Y.

-Well, I'd like to see any masher try...

-Oh, you're very kind!

Never mind the Pierce building. Go to Pier 47.

Yes, never mind... Oh! Wait a minute!

I'm sorry! I'm late for the office. I have to be...

Driver, will you stop the cab. There it is now.

Please! Stop the cab!

Bye.

Here's my share of the cab ride.

That isn't necessary.

-Bye.

-Goodbye, Mr Mitty.

-Oh!

-What's the matter?

My briefcase! I left it in that cab!

It had all the proofs to Air Aces in it! Mr Pierce will kill me!

Here! Hold this, will you? Taxi!

Pier 47, North River.

Karl Maasdam, Rotterdam.

OK, Mr Maasdam.

Excuse me, miss.

Did you see a girl in a green dress?

She came in a cab. It had my briefcase in it.

I didn't see the driver's face, but the back of his head was kind of oblong.

-Uncle will be so glad to see you.

-Not more than I'll be glad to see him.

It's incredible. I can't believe that he's still living.

You're quite sure you came here unobserved?

Karl, you mustn't trouble yourself any more.

You're in safe hands now.

Miss van Hoorn.

Wait a minute!

My briefcase, I left it in your taxicab.

I followed you all the way down here.

I'm sorry I put you to all that trouble.

-Mr Maasdam, this is Mr Mitty.

-How do you do?

-Is this what you are looking for?

-Yes. Thank you very much.

We're in a dreadful hurry. Would you help the driver with the luggage?

-I'm terribly late...

-We can drop you off.

OK. Sure.

-What was that?

-What?

-That click?

-I didn't hear nothing.

Sorry to keep rushing you like this but our whole next issue is in here.

I'm in the publishing business.

We put out 31 magazines.

-He must be pretty tired.

-Yes, he's had quite a trip.

I guess he fell asleep.

Karl! Karl!

SHE GASPS

-He's been stabbed!

-Stabbed?

What are we going to do? It's 10:00.

I've never been this late before! What are we going to do?

Driver, take us to the nearest police station!

Officer! Something terrible has happened!

-This young lady and I...

-What young lady?

Officer, I want to report a murder!

-Murder?

-Yes, sir. We have the body outside.

What?

The body is in this taxicab.

What taxicab?

Well, it was right here.

I drove up with a girl in green, and we left the body in the taxicab.

-A yellow taxicab?

-No. A pink one.

-And the girl was in blue.

-No. Green.

Just as I thought! This is a case for Scotland Yard!

No, no! Really, Officer.

Her name was Rosalind van Hoorn.

-And she said I had a nice face...

-Well, you have a nice face.

Now you go home and sleep it off.

Good morning, Mr Mitty.

Mitty!

OBJECTS CLATTER

Good morning.

When do you take over the First National Bank?

-What do you mean?

-You seem to be keeping bankers' hours.

Well, I have a very good excuse.

I went down to meet the Hollandia to get my briefcase.

I was with a beautiful girl, and coming back, a man was murdered.

Murdered right next to me in a taxicab.

Then they all disappeared.

-Oh, they all disappeared?

-Yes, sir.

Why don't you tell the truth? You fell asleep on the train!

-No, sir!

-Yes, sir?

I want to tell you something for your own good.

-You've been here for 10 years.

-11.

-11 is it?

-Yes.

If you don't stop this woolgathering I'll have to take drastic action!

Oh, honest, Mr Pierce. This wasn't a daydream.

-I'm sure it wasn't.

-I've no time for your excuses.

-Where are those proofs?

-Right here in my briefcase.

I have them all read and corrected, sir.

-There they are.

-What's this?

My memorandum book.

OK, we'll send these to press.

Here. You get busy on Sensational Murders.

Sensational Murders?

I don't want to be bothered. I have an important board meeting this afternoon.

-Yes, sir.

-Oh!

Tell Joe to doctor up that knifing story.

Lord Cecil was only stabbed once.

We've always given our readers their money's worth.

Have him stabbed front and back and in the side!

And save the heart for last!

Why should we stint on things like that?

HE SCREAMS

What's the matter with you?

Nothing, sir.

Oh, Mr Mitty.

It's you.

-I want to apologise for this morning.

-Where'd you disappear to?

I went to make a phone call and was advised to leave.

Uncle felt there was too much at stake for me to be mixed up in what happened.

Uncle who?

Uncle Peter. He told me to come here and get you.

-Get me?

-He wants to meet you.

I don't want to get mixed up in this thing either.

Besides, I've got some shopping to do for my mother.

-Please come.

-I only have an hour for lunch.

And I'm supposed to be back at the office at 1.30.

It'll only take a few minutes. I promise.

Please?

Say, what happened to that taxicab?

What happened to the body?

-They took it away.

-"They"? Who's they?

Uncle will explain everything.

-Hello, Tyler.

-How do you do?

-Tell my uncle Mr Mitty is here.

-Yes, Miss van Hoorn.

We'll wait in the library.

He'll only be a moment.

Gee, that's pretty. The picture, Do you mind if I look at it?

Of course not.

SHE PLAYS A TUNE ON THE PIANO

HE GASPS

Do you like it?

-Oh, I love it.

-It's always frightened me.

Oh, I thought...

That's my favourite song, Beautiful Dreamer. I like the way you play it.

Mr Van Hoorn is waiting in the solarium.

Thank you, Tyler.

-Hello, Uncle.

-Hello, my dear.

Uncle Peter, this is Mr Mitty.

-How are you, Mr Mitty?

-Fine, thank you.

You are the young man who was so kind to my niece this morning.

Oh, I really didn't do anything.

-You'll have a cup of tea with us.

-Tea?

-Yes, please do.

-All right.

Pardon me.

-Gee, these are beautiful.

-You like flowers?

Well, Mother likes them. We're raising snapdragons now.

Only, I brought back petunias instead. So I have to exchange them.

You know these bulbs came from Holland?

Oh, did they?

We get ours from Gerber's Feed Store.

Personally, I'd rather raise radishes.

They grow so fast, and you can eat them.

-You like yours with cream?

-No. Just salt.

No. No cream. Thank you.

I thought she meant the radishes.

-Please sit down.

-Yes.

-Here you are, Uncle.

-Thank you, my dear.

The cover fell down.

There we are.

I asked Rosalind to bring you here,

because I wanted to tell you that your life is in danger.

Danger?

You were present when poor Maasdam was murdered this morning.

But that was a coincidence! I was at the pier...

Just the same, Mr Mitty. You were there.

-And they might try to kill you too.

-Why?

Mr Mitty, I can see that you are a man of great courage.

Would you like more tea?

Yes, thank you.

Since you have already become involved,

it may be necessary for you to face even greater danger.

It may, huh? Well...

-I think he should know all the facts.

-I think I should too.

Uncle Peter was curator of the Royal Netherlands Museum in Rotterdam.

-He was?

-He left before the German invasion.

That seems like the most reasonable time.

But before I escaped,

I managed to see that all of our great art treasures,

were concealed in hundreds of obscure places.

Then there's nothing to worry about.

Yes, there is.

The hiding place of each article was recorded in a little black book.

The Boot will do anything to get it.

The Boot?

-Who's the Boot?

-His real name is Wilhelm Krug.

That's why Maasdam was murdered this morning.

-I see.

-Krug thought that Maasdam had the book.

-Oh. Well then, who has it?

-Nobody knows.

But if the Boot thought you had it,

he'd cut your throat in a second.

Let's notify the OPA. I mean, the FBI.

Uncle has already notified them.

They're working together with the Dutch Secret Police.

I can understand your alarm.

But the police are very efficient.

The minute you are killed,

they'll double their efforts.

Yes. Of course. That's very reassuring.

But I am, I must be running along now. I have so much shopping to do.

As a precaution, say nothing about this matter to anyone.

Even your loved ones.

Of course, you can trust me, Mr Van Hoorn.

-I won't say...

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-You're very brave.

Thank you.

HE SCREAMS

Bye.

-May I help you, sir?

-Yes, ma'am.

I have some things here.

I'd like some "Dutch crown jewels. "The diamond collection..."

Jewellery department on the fifth floor.

"Diamond collection, House of Orange?"

"Vandermeer originals?"

Mister, this is the pet department.

Pet...

Oh, the black book!

-How do you do?

-Was there something else you wished?

Yes. I'll have some of these dog biscuits.

I always eat them. They contain vitamin B1.

-You forgot your change, sir.

-Oh, thank you very much.

These are lovely leashes, aren't they?

Oh, yes. Lovely. Lovely leashes.

-How much are these muzzles?

-Three dollars.

Three dollars? One, two, Thank you.

-Shall I have it wrapped, sir?

-No.

I'll wear it home.

HE GASPS

In more controlled figures...

Oh, How do you do?

How do you do?

Won't you sit down?

Thank you...

Notice, ladies, the exquisite line and the smooth contour.

The featherweight quality's achieved by using satin and bengaline,

with a chiffon trimming.

Specifically designed for...

I think you'd be able to see better from the front.

No, thank you very much. I've got to make a phone call. Excuse me.

Clarissa, would you mind coming in here a minute?

Yes, Miss Blair.

These nightgowns go in the early delivery today.

And this corset goes to Mrs Follinsbee.

Be sure that it makes the afternoon delivery tomorrow.

-I will.

-Thank you.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Just a minute! What are you doing in here?

Excuse me.

-Is this the hardware department?

-You know this isn't!

Get out of here, you Peeping Tom!

HE MUMBLES

Excuse me, ma'am.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

HE GASPS

This idea for pocket-size editions came to me about two years ago.

And I've given it considerable thought.

There are four values to pocket-size editions.

One - they fit into the pocket.

Two - I have behind me a well-geared organisation,

of sober, industrious employees who...

-Mitty!

-Help!

Get that thing out of here!

Mitty!

Elmer, shoo!

What in thunderation do you think you're doing?

I was trying to get away from somebody.

There's a man following me. He had terrible eyes and a long knife.

I'll explain it all to you later.

Elmer. Go! Come on! Out!

Go away, Elmer. That's it.

I'm sorry. I know how busy you are.

So I don't like to disturb you...

Pardon, Excuse me.

Mitty!

Is Mr Van Hoorn or his niece at home?

Do you know what time they'll be back? It's very important.

I see. Well, would you leave a message that Mr Mitty called.

I know of a way to kill a man and leave no trace.

Excuse me. I'll be with you in just a moment.

Who are you?

Dr Hugo Hollingshead. I have a manuscript,

that contains the most ingenious method for the perpetration of homicide.

I'm afraid you have the wrong office, Dr Homicide.

-Mr Pierce buys all the stories.

-Mr Pierce told me to see you.

Oh? Well, would you have a chair?

Did you know that an icicle inserted into the brain,

will melt slowly and leave no trace?

It's been done. Sorry. Would you...

Perhaps you'd be interested in a different method?

The sensory nerve at the base of the skull is vulnerable to an assassin.

One merely presses with the thumbs, thus...

The resultant brain haemorrhage produces instantaneous death

-without a clue.

-That's very good, Doctor.

But we used the sensory nerve in The Gland Specialist's Revenge.

Excuse me, won't you?

What you don't know,

is that the base of the brain is a very sensitive place.

As you can see, the only weapon is the human hand.

Hey, wait a minute! Put that book...

Help!

-Give me that vest!

-Help!

Give me my vest!

Help!

In Hospital Love Stories, as in all other of our publications,

action will be the key note.

Action! Thrills! The unexpected.

Of course, the medical aspects would be respected.

And a competent...

A competent staff of research men...

Yes, Mr McClure? Any question?

No questions.

A competent staff of research men...

Mitty!

What in confounded tarnation are you and that pigeon trying to do?

Listen to me!

I was hanging by my hands! A tall doctor pushed me out the window!

-What is this? What tall doctor?

-The one you sent to tell me the story!

He didn't come to tell my any story! He came to push me out the window!

I didn't send anyone to throw you out of the window!

I've got more important things to do!

-Well, here's his vest.

-Who's vest?

-The man you sent...

-Mitty!

I don't know whether you're drunk or crazy!

Throw that pigeon out, and you get out of here!

-I'll talk to you later.

-I'm sorry, Mr Pierce.

Excuse me!

So sorry.

Get out of here, Mitty! Get out!

I'm sorry, Mr Pierce!

-I'm terribly sorry!

-Mitty!

Get out!

GLASS SHATTERS

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Get out!

You know very well, if you're going to get married,

you'll just have to ask for a raise.

Put those flowers in water for me, will you, dear?

What was that?

-What was what?

-The clock didn't strike.

I definitely heard it not strike.

Will you please take it to Kudners on Sixth Avenue?

They fixed Gertrude's metronome. They can fix anything.

But don't say you'll do it and then not do it.

I'll do it tomorrow afternoon.

Walter! Not in the lemonade! For heaven's sake!

What's the matter with you? You've been in a daze all evening.

Mother,

if a fellow was a witness to a murder, and he was told not to say anything,

not even to his loved ones...

..what should he do about it?

Can't you forget those stories of yours for a moment?

DOORBELL BUZZES

They've brought Tubby Wadsworth. Put your coat on, darling.

Put it on, and get rid of that paper.

Tubby Wadsworth.

-Anybody home?

-Irmagarde!

-My! What a stunning hat!

-Thank you.

-And Gertrude dear.

-Hello, Mother Mitty.

-Take your things off.

-All right.

And Tubby Wadsworth.

Gertrude brought me and left Queenie home.

How do I look as a lap dog? Woof! Woof!

-Hiya, Walt, old boy.

-Hello, Tubby.

Brought you a present.

-First edition.

-Well! Gee, thanks.

What is it? Tubby's so thoughtful.

Well, isn't this wonderful.

THEY LAUGH

Walter, you look so silly!

Little gadget I picked up at a magic store.

Sneezing powder! It's a howl, isn't it?

Sure is.

-Guess what, Eunice.

-What?

We have the Reverend Thomas for Saturday!

-No!

-Thanks to Tubby.

Well, you know what they say, "Unlucky in love, lucky in cards."

-What are we waiting for?

-You four play the first rubber.

Let's play for a 25th of a cent and settle for half.

Oh, no, dear. No gambling. Let's keep it social.

Cut for deal.

-King. Ten.

-Three.

-Two.

Pass those.

Care for some lady fingers, Tubby?

Only yours, Juliet.

HE SNEEZES

Let's play some bridge.

-One no trump.

-Pass.

Five diamonds.

-Pass.

-Five diamonds?

Six no trump.

-Pass.

-By.

Pass.

Your lead, Walt.

How's that, partner?

Grand slam.

Slough the two hearts on the diamonds and the spades are good.

You could have set me if you'd have led a heart.

Walter's trouble is he doesn't concentrate.

Card sense is like business sense. Don't have one, you don't have the other!

That's what I'm always telling you, Walter.

Your deal.

'Cool as a cucumber,

'Gaylord Mitty, the Mississippi gambler,

'puffed nonchalantly on a handmade Havana.'

Raise.

Once again, sir.

The deed to my plantation.

Call. Three kings.

I believe I have three bullets, sir.

Lady Luck hasn't been smiling upon you, Colonel Wadsworth.

One more hand, Mitty.

With what, Colonel? Ginger snaps?

I know you're in love with my fiancee.

I'll play you one hand for her.

You'd pluck a star from the heavens,

and fling it on the soiled cloth of a gaming table?

If I lose, I'll... I'll go north.

Is it a wager?

It's a wager, sir.

THEY COUGH

I'm terribly sorry, ladies.

Your pleasure, sir.

I'll play these.

Reckon this is one hand you won't win.

This time I got the three aces.

That's mighty strange, Colonel.

I have four aces.

Why, you cheating dog!

Careful, Wadsworth.

These things have been known to go off.

'The plink of banjos could be heard over the paddle wheels,

'as they went ta-pocketa, ta-pocketa,

'in the moonlit water.

'Gaylord Mitty squared his enormous shoulders,

'and called her name softly.'

Miss Gertrude? 'It was a touching moment.'

Oh. It's you.

-I have the honour to inform you...

-I have already been informed.

I suppose you've come to collect your bet,

you unspeakable riverboat gambler.

I have no intention of holding a lady to any such bargain.

Here's the deed to the plantation stolen from your father.

Oh, Gaylord.

Try to think kindly of me when,

when I'm away.

Away?

Fort Sumter has been fired upon.

My regiment leaves at dawn.

Oh, Gaylord! How I've misjudged you!

I know it's too much to hope for, ma'am, but if you'll wait...

For ever, Gaylord. For ever.

Swallow them up, old Mississippi.

This is my last deal.

Come on, Walt! Finish the deal!

HE SNEEZES

Walter, what's the matter with you?

Oh, Mr Mitty?

It's really you.

-You phoned yesterday.

-Yes, I called,

I wanted to tell you I found the book you were looking for.

-It was on me!

-Thank heavens.

Where is it?

-I stuck it in a lady's corset.

-What?

A lady's corset that was being delivered from Stacey's department store.

The lady's name was Follinsbee.

You had the book, and you let it out of your hands?

I had to! A man was chasing me with a long knife,

and another man tried to push me out of a window!

I've been through a lot!

Well, we must find it! Come show me where you put it.

I can't. I've got a dinner party at 6:30.

I've got to meet my mother and lots of other people.

And by the time I get this clock dropped off at Sixth Avenue, I...

It won't strike. Mother's used to hearing it strike.

It keeps her awake, and it's gotta be...

Oh, please, Miss van Hoorn. Please don't cry.

I'm sorry.

It's just I'm so alone in all of this.

Uncle's helpless, and I don't know where to turn.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find.

I'll do anything I can to help.

-Would you?

-Sure.

How many Follinsbees can there be?

Let's look in the phone book.

-Well, this looks like it.

-Run up and check.

-You won't need that!

-It's Grandmother's clock.

-I mustn't let anything happen to it.

-I'll keep an eye on it.

Hurry. I'll stay down here in case anything happens.

All right.

-What do you think'll happen?

-Please hurry!

-It's Follinsbee, all right!

-Well, knock on the door.

-Hmm?

-Knock on the door!

Oh!

I'm terribly sorry!

-Is your name Follinsbee?

-That's right. What do you want?

Would you mind very much if I looked in your wife's corset?

What?

I mean, yesterday I slipped something into her corset.

I... How do you do?

-Do you know this guy?

-Never saw him before.

Oh, you don't...

So help me, Harry! I never saw the guy before in my life!

Get out of here or I'll knock your teeth in.

HE MOUTHS

Please, Harry! I swear! He doesn't mean a thing!

-This isn't a corset.

-What is it?

It's a nightgown.

I'd better take it back to that fellow. I've caused him enough trouble.

I'm sorry to trouble you, but I thought I'd better return your wife's nightgown.

Why, you!

Wrong Follinsbee!

"Mrs Letitia Follinsbee, 949 Fifth Avenue."

She must work here.

Forgot your keys.

Gee, those are pretty. Wooden shoes, huh?

I've had them for years.

They're supposed to ward off evil.

I should have been carrying them yesterday.

Carry them now.

No. These are gold. Why should you give them to me?

Because you've been so kind, Walter.

"Walter."

I have a bag that matches these shoes exactly.

-I wonder how much they are.

-Girls! I didn't know you were out here.

Mrs Follinsbee is waiting for you.

You'll have to rush to change.

You're terribly late.

-What did the corset look like?

-It was black and sort of filmy.

And lacy around the neck with little yellow ribbons,

or green or some colour.

You wait here.

May I seat you, sir?

Right over here.

Now, girls. Take these corsets.

And you 12s wear these.

Rush, girls! And start dressing.

I'm sorry, but black helps brings out the best in me.

Welcome.

I can't tell you how proud I am,

to present Anatole of Paris.

APPLAUSE

Alors.

This is the first appearance of my latest creation...

Venetian mirror hat.

A grey turban studded with diamonds.

And on the top, Prince of Wales ostrich tips.

Cocktails for two.

I call this one the rain hat,

because it looks like a fountain.

And when you buy it,

you get soaked.

It is entirely made of black aigrettes,

with a diamond band in case you go slumming.

For the woman of mystery.

A touch of the Arabian with Grecian simplicity.

A "sheik" that is truly "chic."

Made of jersey, carrying its own capelet,

and giving madam the muffled look.

And now my piece de resistance.

Watch.

First, the pin.

Then, the brim.

Then,

back with the pin.

Voila.

The striptease hat.

APPLAUSE

'Now, before I continue with the rest of my hats,

'I would like you to know how I started in this business.'

# It all began when I was born

# A month too soon

# My Ma was frightened by a runaway saloon

# Pa was forced to be a hobo

# Because he played the oboe

# And the oboe, it is clearly understood

# Is an ill wind that no-one blows good

# I'll never forget the morning that Grandpa ate the awning

# To impress a pretty lady who went for men that were shady

# Then my uncle, Aunt Mary went on a safari

# To Calcutta

# Bombay

# India

# Tracking through the trackless jungle

# At low tide and high noon... #

Hello, Tide.

Hi, Noon.

# And I'm the result of the twisted eugenics

Of this family of inbred schizophrenics

# The end of a long, long line of bats... #

HE LAUGHS

I design...

..women's...

..hats.

HE TALKS IN A MADE-UP LANGUAGE

You are no longer with us.

# I'm Anatole of Paris I shriek with chic

# My hat of the week caused six divorces

# Three runaway horses

# I'm Anatole of Paris The hats I sell

# Make husbands yell

# Is that a hat or a two-room flat... #

HE TALKS IN A MADE-UP LANGUAGE

Parlour, bedroom, bath.

# Let me get my paw on a little piece of straw

# And, voila

# A chapeau

# At 60 bucks a throw... #

HE LAUGHS

# It's how I pull and chew on it

# The little things I do on it

# Like placing yards of lacing or a bicycle built for two on it

# The little ones, the big ones The sat-on-by-a-pig ones

# The foolish ones that perch

# And the ghoulish ones that lurch

# The one called Moonlit Menace designed for a night in Venice

# A little bow and a little... #

# On sole mio... #

INDISTINCT

# I'm Anatole of Paris I must design

# I'm just like wine

# I go to your head

# Give me thread and a needle I itch, I twitch to stitch

# I'm a glutton for cuttin' For puttin' with a button

# To snip and pluck, nip and tuck fix and trim, tie on that brim

# Tote that barge

# Lift that veil

DOG GROWLS AND BARKS

# And why do I sew each new chapeau

# With a style they must look positively grim in

# Strictly between us

# Entre nous

# I hate women. #

HE LAUGHS

'And so, ladies, my first small creation led to greater things...'

Je ne...

-Oh.

-Here it is. Take it to Uncle's as quickly as you can.

But I can't! My mother...

CLOCK CHIMES

LAUGHTER

THUNDER ROARS

"Dutch crown jewels.

"Diamond collection. House of..."

OBJECTS CLATTER

I don't think we ought to stay here overnight.

We should have gone home in Tubby's car!

And leave Eunice alone with that...

It's raining so hard,

and our road will be washed out anyway.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Who is it?

It's me. Who did you expect?

Here. Drink this while it's warm.

And get right into bed, dear.

Come on, darling.

-That's hot, Mother.

-Drink it all, dear.

That's all I want.

-Good night, dear.

-Good night.

-And try not to dream of climbing.

-Yes, Mother.

THUNDER RUMBLES

SHE PLAYS A TUNE

Miss van Hoorn!

-They might have heard you!

-It was the only way!

Where's the book? Why didn't you bring it to Uncle's?

Come into the kitchen.

You're catching cold. Here. You'd better sit by the stove.

I'll light the oven.

You'd better take those wet shoes off.

I'll make some tea for you.

Walter?

Shh. Wait a minute. I'll be right down.

Walter?

Walter!

What in the world are you doing? Where was that music coming from?

The music? Oh! I was just playing the piano, Mother.

Playing the piano?

You can't play the piano!

I know.

But it sort of helps me relax when it's lightning and thundering and things.

You just march right into bed and do your relaxing there!

Good night, Mother. Good night, Gertrude.

Good night, Mrs Griswold.

Well, a lot of people play the piano when they can't sleep.

-It's a well-known fact. Good night. BOTH:

-Good night.

KETTLE WHISTLES

HE WHISTLES

-Walter, what are you doing out here?

-Whistling.

The rain is making too much noise to whistle in there.

I was trying to remember the way our old high school song went.

-# Fight on for Perth Amboy High...

-#

HE WHISTLES

Walter, will you please go to bed!

Good night, Mother. Good night, Gertrude.

Good night, Mrs Griswold.

It's funny. Walter can never go to sleep when he tries to think of something,

and can't remember.

His father was the same way. Up half the night.

-Good night. BOTH:

-Good night.

Mother, what if he acts that way after we're married?

We'll handle him. It's just that he wasn't properly raised.

Tubby keeps on proposing.

Maybe I'm making a mistake!

THUNDER RUMBLES

-Gee, you brought another dress!

-It's my slip.

Slip.

Well, it looks like an evening gown on you.

Would you like another cup of tea?

No, thanks. I must hurry and get the book to Uncle.

-May I have it, please?

-Well, it's upstairs. I'll get it.

Only, will you be all right?

-You weren't followed or anything?

-No. I'll be all right.

Good. I wouldn't want you to meet those two fellows.

You should see that knife! It was...

-I'm going with you.

-No, Walter. That's sweet but...

No. I'll go with you. You leave this way, and I'll meet you out front.

-But you've done enough for me.

-No.

Anyone would have done the same thing in my shoes.

I'll get my shoes and get the book too.

Oh, Tyler. Where's Uncle Peter?

He's in the library, miss.

Uncle, we have it! We have the book!

-The book!

-And we have Walter to thank.

It was nothing.

Mr Mitty, I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to repay you. Holland will be eternally grateful.

Well, I really didn't do anything.

It's lucky I found out where Walter lived.

Very fortunate.

You don't know what this means to me, my dear.

I think I do.

Come and join me.

This calls for a celebration.

And you've been through a great deal.

Mother doesn't like me to drink very much, but maybe just a little one.

-Now, where is the book?

-Yes, Walter. Give Uncle the book.

-I gave it to you in the car.

-Yes, but I returned it.

No, don't you remember?

I said, "Here's the book." And you said, "Thank you, Walter."

I said, "You're welcome..."

Look through all your pockets. You must have it somewhere.

No, I'm sure I gave it to you.

We must have left it in the car. We'd better go look.

Wait! Mr Mitty.

-To Holland.

-Yes. To Holland.

-Hurry, Walter.

-We'll be right back.

You'd better put this raincoat on. It's still raining out.

Walter, what happened?

Wake up!

-The Boot!

-Where is the book, Rosalind?

SHE SCREAMS

Rosalind. Rosalind...

Better put this raincoat on.

It's still raining outside.

He's coming to.

Did you get it?

Get what?

-The black book.

-Black book?

Mother, what are you doing here? Where's Rosalind?