The Titfield Thunderbolt

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Charlie! Here's your death warrant. Stick it up when you've got the time.

-Good morning, Charlie.

-Good morning, sir.

-Morning.

-Morning, sir.

HONKS HORN

HONKS HORN REPEATEDLY

Here you are, Charlie.

CRASHING

BLOWS WHISTLE

Right away!

Can't go yet. The squire's not here.

HORN HONKING

For heaven's sake, Harry!

What am I supposed to do, hedge hop?

HONKS HORN

Dan!

Dan!

Dan! Spare a hand here.

Come on, Dan!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Can't wait any longer.

-We're three minutes late.

-Three and a half, to be exact.

-I'm due in court at ten o'clock.

-Just going now, sir.

Can't go yet. Squire's here.

What's the idea of leaving me behind on market day?

-Four minutes late.

-Church clock says four minutes early.

British Railways run by Greenwich not Titfield time.

My great-grandfather built this railway for Titfield not Greenwich.

WHISTLE BLOWS

HORN HONKS

My, my! So they let you have her on loan, eh?

-We've bought her!

-Railway's had it?

-Closure notice put up this morning.

-At last!

Nah, that's just the beginning.

Five years from now, they'll be calling this place Pearcetown.

WHISTLE BLOWS

DOORBELL RINGS

MUFFLED VOICES

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yes, Emily?

-The squire and Mr Blakeworth, sir.

Well, well, well! Come in!

-Emily, the ginger wine!

-We're not interrupting the sermon?

No matter. You'll find cigarettes in the pocket of my cassock.

Sam, we've come to talk about the railway.

-The railway!

-You haven't heard the news?

-The news?

-They're closing it down.

I cannot believe it. The oldest surviving branch line in the world.

It's unthinkable. They cannot possibly close it.

What about the Canterbury-Whitstable line?

They closed that.

Perhaps there were not men of sufficient faith in Canterbury.

Sam, we've got to fight this.

It'll be a virtual monopoly for Pearce and Crump and their buses.

-The end of Titfield as we know it.

-It must never happen.

-Our railway must be kept running.

-But how?

There's no solution short of buying up the line.

-My dear Mr Blakeworth!

-The railways are all nationalised.

The Transport Act of 1947 only nationalised existing railways.

A new company formed now wouldn't come under the Act.

(Sam) Well!

There'd be hundreds of conditions to fulfil.

Get a Light Railway Order, most won't apply.

How do we get a Light Railway Order?

By means of a prayer to the Minister of Transport. It's a legal term.

You'd need an engine crew, signalmen, platelayers.

The railways are short-handed. They'll never let anyone go.

Good gracious, boy!

You, whose great-grandfather built the railway?

What are you thinking of? We'll run it ourselves!

-Good heavens!

-Yes, we will, Sam!

What a thought! By heavens, we will!

-I'll drive the engine.

-I'll be the guard.

Oh, good heavens! Where are you going to get the money from?

-Oh.

-We'll raise it.

We'll organise a raffle, a jumble sale.

We'll revive the flower show, have a flag day, a silver collection,

a line of pennies, put on The Mikado again.

Sam, you've done all that for the organ fund. How much have you raised?

£49, three shillings.

We'll need at least 10,000.

Oh!

But if we could interest Mr Valentine...

Mr Valentine?

He's spent 40 years standing people drinks.

-Why can't he stand us a railway?

-Impossible!

Sam, a railway of our own?

Good heavens!

-And a large gin for me.

-In your hand, Mr Valentine.

Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, here's to our magnificent generals,

General Gordon and General Booth.

LAUGHTER

No, leave it there, my dear. Time we all had another little drink.

Ah, our good chaplain!

I was just about to invite the company to take wine with me.

-No, please let me.

-I've already staked my claim, sir.

You must accept defeat like a gentleman. Mr Weech?

Well, it's very kind of you. Perhaps a glass of sherry.

Yes. A sherry wine. For you, Mr Chesterford, the same again?

-I haven't had one yet!

-Oh, well!

Let us not quibble over the lapse of a few empty hours

since we last stood here together.

Was it not a blend of mild ale and bitter beer?

-Mild and bitter.

-There.

-Mr Weech, you're looking solemn.

-Mr Weech has had a nasty shock.

-They're closing our railway.

-Oh, my dear padre.

All this time together and not one word of sympathy from me.

You must think me an unfeeling old man.

-Not at all.

-But I insist.

We're planning to take it over, work it ourselves.

Indeed! And why not?

-I've the man for you! Mr Taylor!

-If we can find the capital.

Yes. Mr Taylor!

Mr Taylor! There you are. Stop dodging about, sir.

You're going to drive an engine for these ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, no!

Mr Taylor's a railway servant of long experience.

-41 years.

-Yes, I know. A platelayer.

I can drive an engine better than what you can.

At what percent of piston travel does an engine cut out

-before she starts her run?

-Eh?

-He doesn't even know that.

-First blood to the cloth!

-Come on, Mr Taylor, have at him!

-What's a Samson?

One doesn't need a knowledge of slang to operate a locomotive.

-Hit for Mr Taylor!

-Get into him, Dan!

-What's a petticoat pipe?

-Come on, Mr Weech!

What's the purpose of the firebox throat plate?

-When does an engine bark?

-What's a stuffing gland?

-How long's your jay rod?

-How do you free a clogged blower?

-How do you treat a big end brass?

-Answer my questions, man!

Well, you answer mine, and take your paws off me!

Gentlemen, order, please!

I declare the contest a draw. They must both drive the engine.

If they ever get the chance.

Mr Valentine, we need £10,000 to float our company.

My dear Mr Chesterford, what is £10,000 between friends?

-Nothing, we're hoping.

-Money is only a symbol. Come on.

Let's drink to your success. Miss Hampton, dear, set them up.

-You'll finance us?

-I, dear boy? Charming gesture.

But what right have I to exploit your enterprise for gain?

-I, a foolish old man?

-You certainly won't gain by it.

I, who already have enough for my simple needs.

This line has been losing money for years.

It's bound to go on losing money.

There's an honest man. Thank you, my dear sir.

But for your timely warning, I might have made a foolish investment.

Come along, Miss Hampton, dear.

Mr Valentine, what do you do in the morning before this place opens?

I wait impatient for the day to dawn.

Suppose the day dawned at 13 minutes to nine.

Mr Chesterford, you're a poet,

a dreamer of beautiful dreams.

There is nothing in law to prevent a railway company opening a bar

in one of its trains whenever that train is under way.

Give us your backing and we'll run a bar on the Titfield-Mallingford line

-every morning and afternoon.

-Sundays excepted.

You... You wouldn't tease an old man, would you?

Mr Weech, you wouldn't joke about a sacred subject.

I am assured it will be quite, quite legal.

You can write your own timetable.

My very dear sir, you can write your own cheque!

Hallelujah!

-CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-Set them up, Miss Hampton!

HORN HONKS

-Morning, Tom.

-Morning, sir.

-Morning.

-Morning, sir.

-Morning, Mr Clegg.

-Morning.

Titfield branch line. British Railways are prepared to sell.

These people are determined to run it themselves.

That is their intention.

You will be conducting an official inquiry at Mallingford next Tuesday.

It's going to be tough. Bound to be a lot of local opposition.

-Amateurs running a railway.

-There is.

You will ascertain whether or not such opposition is justified.

-You know, Sam, this is serious.

-Scandalous! Gross libel!

Yes, but we are amateurs.

Amateurs?

-Come on up, Mr Weech.

-I say, Ben. You are a brick!

-Did the guard see you?

-No, I don't think so.

-Come in, Mr Chesterford.

-Thanks a lot, Joe.

-Driver didn't see you, did he?

-I don't think so.

That's the lot.

-Open her out, Ben. May I?

-Steady, now. Steady.

Faster, Alec. Faster.

HORN HONKS

TYRES SCREECH, CAR HONKS HORN

It's safer by road!

In view of the very grave dangers of a privately run railway,

I feel the only solution to the problem is a privately run bus.

ALL: Hear, hear!

CHEERING

(Ruddock) Quiet, please.

All right, so it all boils down to a question of safety first.

There's no doubting the fact that the Titfield people as a whole

are somewhat disturbed at the idea of an amateur-run railway.

I don't know, of course, how many have...reasons of their own

for opposing it.

I do wish I could be sure of one impartial view.

I think I can provide that, sir. As town clerk here,

I am able to keep a close touch on the pulse of local opinion.

It is my public duty to say that the opposition does arise

from a genuine doubt as to whether

these gentlemen can provide a safe service.

If you decide that they can...

I have recently taken a course of private tuition as an engine driver.

-I'm learning how to be a guard.

-Where, how and who from?

And who may you be, sir?

The name is Coggett, Mr Coggett. I'm here to enter a protest

on behalf of the National Association of Railway Workers.

I see. What is the nature of your protest, Mr Coggett?

My association would take a grave view of the proposal

to employ staff in disregard of the scale of wages for railway workers.

Tell us where we can get some. We'll use them at full union rates.

My association is not an employment bureau.

It is concerned only to prevent the exploitation of cheap labour.

-But we want to be exploited.

-It doesn't matter, brother.

It's what the bosses want that we're out to stop.

We ARE the bosses.

In our company, there's no quarrel between capital and labour.

My association will view any such situation as exploitation.

Thank you, Mr Coggett.

As an old railwayman myself, I cannot help sympathising

with those who want to keep this line in operation.

I see that they're ready to make every effort

to fit themselves for their duties.

But, in their enthusiasm,

I don't think they realise as clearly as the rest of the community

what a very big responsibility it would be.

If I were to grant the order they've applied for,

I think they might find, in a few weeks' time,

that they'd taken on more than they could manage.

I do not feel justified in recommending that they should be granted...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're condemning our village to death!

Open it up to buses and lorries and what will it be like in five years?

Our lanes will be concrete roads.

Our houses will have numbers instead of names.

There'll be traffic lights and zebra crossings, twice as dangerous.

Go by bus! We're not asking for a monopoly, like you are.

All we're asking for is the chance to keep our train running.

Mr Blakeworth, you spoke frankly.

You said people were scared of our idea. Perhaps you're one of them.

But give us a chance and we'll prove we can do it.

Just give us this one chance, sir. It means everything to our village.

-We want to run the railway.

-Bravo! Bravo!

CHEERING

Thank you. I was about to add that I do not feel justified

in recommending their order should be made permanent,

until they've had a chance of proving their capabilities.

I shall recommend that they'll be granted

a probationary period of one month.

After which, an inspector of railways appointed by the Minister

shall report whether or not the efficiency with which the line is run

justifies the said order being made permanent.

LAUGHTER

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow...#

Sing while you can, you poor fools.

You won't last a week!

CHEERING

-Morning.

-Morning, sir.

Better than housework, Mrs Davies?

-Splendid, Mrs Stanley! Morning!

-Morning, Mr Weech.

-Good morning, Fred.

-Morning, vicar.

Morning, Mrs Anstey. Hello, Joan!

-Morning.

-Good morning.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Well done, everybody. Time for evensong.

Right-O, that'll do. Pack it up. Pack it up.

ALARM RINGS

CLOCK CHIMES

BIRDS SING

Walter, do you know what time it is?

-Yes, my love! Summer double time.

-Come back!

Where's Dan? He should have been here half an hour ago.

That lazy good-for-nothing?

You didn't ought to mix with the likes of him.

He ought to have had the fire lit. Our first run and we shall be late.

My dear Seth! Don't tell me you've been here all night?

When I do a job, sir, I like to do it proper.

-A-ha! Good old Seth.

-Morning, Mr Weech.

-Have you seen Dan?

-No, I haven't.

Half a dozen gin, two of whisky and a firkin of beer. That do you?

For the week, I hope!

Our very first day. We can't fail!

No, girl. No.

Our technique here is a little different.

Get to Dan's place as fast as your legs can carry you.

Send him back here at the double. Tell him it's vital.

ALARM RINGING

ALARM MUFFLED

KNOCKING

Are you there, Dan?

Dan! Dan! Get out of bed this minute!

-ret up!

-'Aargh! Grr!

Oh.

All right! Don't go panicking like an amateur.

-They're coming!

-How many?

Six, and Mr Blakeworth's with them.

-Only another three minutes.

-I know.

BELL RINGS

-You rang, sir?

-Mallingford.

-Season?

-No, no, no. Day return.

I want to see how they get on first.

There you are, sir. Thank you.

A-ha! Well, Mr Blakeworth. A memorable day, sir!

It will be if this train departs on time.

The law compels it. Landlord's in danger of losing his license.

Merciful heaven! We've made it!

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Jolly good! Jolly good!

Hello, Mr Weech! Well done!

Hooray! Splendid!

Splendid!

BRAKES SCREECH

Oh! But it's beautiful! Quite beautiful!

-Try it for height, Mr Valentine.

-Huh? Ha!

Most comfortable, my dear fellow. Most comfortable. Congratulations!

Half an inch lower than The Grasshopper.

Oh, I'm very adaptable. The usual, please, Miss Hampton, dear!

Right, take her out! WHISTLE BLOWS

ALL: Hooray

Hooray!

Stop it, William. We're the staff!

# All things bright and beautiful â

# All creatures great and small...#

WHISTLE BLOWS

# Each little flower that opens

# Each little bird that sings

# He made...glowing colours

-# He made their tiny wings.

-#

WHISTLE BLOWS

-I don't usually drink at this time.

-You've never had the chance before.

Indeed I have. I keep a small stock in the house.

At nine o'clock in the morning, it would never occur to me.

I should hope not, sir. Drinking alone on unlicensed ground.

I'd hesitate to believe that of a teetotaller.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Good gracious!

-What's happened?

-It's all right.

They're stopping to take on water.

Right!

It's a little provoking not having a supply at the sheds.

Dan! Dan!

Dan!

Dan, where are you?

-Dan!

-Just coming, Reverend!

-What have you been doing?

-Them that ask no questions...

What's that in your pocket? I see! On the squire's land, too!

I suppose they were shot Sunday.

Never shot a rabbit on a Sunday, may I drop down dead.

Trapped, then. What's the difference? I shall report this.

Turn off, man!

If I'm going to do this job, I don't let it interfere with my business!

This service will be efficient, whether you like it or not...

Cheerio.

Come back! Come back!

We need you!

All right.

So long as we understand each other, that's all.

Crossing ahead. Look out your side.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Stop!

The line's blocked! Stop!

BRAKES CREAK

Hm?

-Get that off the track!

-What else are we trying to do?

You amateurs should keep the track in good condition.

-We've a case against you.

-There's nothing wrong with it.

-This is deliberate.

-That's slander. Two cases.

Might have expected this. How are we running?

On time. That's what makes it criminal.

-We'll shift her ourselves.

-That's very kind of you, old man.

She's full of bricks!

That's done it.

I'll move her!

-You can't do that!

-Can't I?

-We'll have the law on you!

-Three cases.

-Stop him!

-You're insured, ain't ya?

-Stand clear!

-Go on, Reverend. Let her have it!

Come on, Reverend!

Stop him!

Come on, Reverend. Let her have it!

Slam into her! Go on!

I say! Is this a normal hazard of railway travel?

-We'd better get out of here.

-What?

-Yes.

Once more and she'll be through!

Hey, you! Hawkins! Come on, as fast as you can!

Come on, Reverend. Let him have it! Come on!

Go on, Jim!

Oh! A duel! How very delightful!

Get this off the track or I'll never speak to you again!

-It's all yours!

-Don't you touch it.

I'm sorry, Mr Pearce. My young lady doesn't like it.

One moment, Mr Weech, your opponent is not quite ready!

No, no. Stop!

DONG

Hey! I'll do you for that!

DONG

Take that!

Right, come on! As fast as you can!

-Come along! Have at him!

-You're backing the wrong team.

That's your engine! Cost you a packet!

Money is the curse of all modern sport, sir. Roll on, my beauty!

Come on! Come on!

(Valentine) Come on! Come on!

DONG

Take that!

Well done, Sam. All right, everybody. Back aboard!

Hooray, Reverend! Come on, all aboard!

Oh, a foul, a foul. A palpable foul.

WHISTLE BLOWS

All aboard! Quickly!

WHISTLE BLOWS

It was a foul, you know.

Make the cheque out to the company!

SMASH

Don't take is so bad, Harry. You put up a good fight.

Ah!

Women!

GUNSHOTS ON TV

Oh, trains!

-Hawkins.

-Public bar.

'You had to hire a bunch of redskins that couldn't stop a two-bit clock.

'You dumb palooka!'

'How was I supposed to know they were toting guns on that choo-choo?'

'Scram, baby!'

'Let's put the freeze on these alibis?'

-'Grab, sister.'

-'Thank you, handsome.'

Not today, thank you.

Let's not waste time on recriminations.

-Thank you very much.

-No, no.

Now, how would you like an opportunity to get your own back?

Carry on.

'Reckon you'd go in a big way to put the fix on them steam cars?'

'Shoot, bub...!'

'..and as they come down...'

TRAIN APPROACHING

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

-I got it. A pheasant.

-Don't you dare!

I got a pheasant, I tell ya.

I got a pheasant!

I've got him. Beauty, ain't he?

Fantastic(!)

Come along, man.

All right, all right. Ain't he a beauty, eh'? Ha ha!

You've lost us nearly two minutes.

All right.

TRAIN APPROACHING

-You get up there.

-What, me?

Yes. I will operate the chain today.

Huh!

Sabotage!

-Nearly out. Drop the fire.

-Drop the fire?

Lose my honour as a driver? Never!

Well, she'll blow up.

Water!

Quickly! All out!

Quickly, everybody. Quickly, all out.

-What's up?

-No water.

All out, quickly! Down to the river, everyone!

All out, everybody. Quickly, all out!

WHISTLE BLOWS FAINTLY

Beal's Farm.

Come on!

-Miss Hampton, dear. Manners!

-We're going to blow up.

Huh.

What?

Wines and spirits first.

Sorry, ma'am. Engine's going up!

WHISTLE BLOWS

She'll go any minute now!

What are you doing there?

-Taking cover.

-Give us a hand!

I didn't pay my fare to become a beast of burden.

Ah! Right!

-She'll do!

-Hooray!

-She'll do!

-ALL: Hooray!

All aboard!

Up you come, Reverend.

Well done, Dan.

Ready!

Ready!

Titfield! One can't open a paper without reading about Titfield.

They're making a go of it, aren't they?

I'll answer that when I've made my inspection next Tuesday.

Popularity does not imply efficiency.

With all these visitors drinking up my quota,

I haven't got enough left for my regulars.

We might reserve the buffet car for our local passengers.

I doubt if we have the legal right.

I don't intend asking Mr Blakeworth.

Any more weeks like this last one, we'll be running at a profit!

Excuse me, sir. We ARE running at a profit.

This is dreadful! The next thing we know we shall be nationalised.

EXCITED CHATTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

Blimey! Need the Royal Scot to move this lot!

CHEERING

WHISTLE BLOWS

CLAMOUR OF VOICES

-Excuse me.

-Pardon.

May I trouble you, sir? I'm afraid you have my corner.

Your corner? You think you own the ruddy railway?

Yes.

Can I give you a hand, Mr Chesterford?

Don't tell me you've caught railway fever?

My partner and I are impressed with the business you're doing.

-I bet you are.

-That inspector is coming tomorrow.

-I'm sure he'll be impressed, too.

-Let's hope so.

That doesn't mean he'll grant you a permanent license.

We'll see.

He'd be certain to grant it,

were there no longer any alternative transport.

No buses?

Pearce and I are prepared to consider a merger.

Let us come in with you, 50-50, and we'll drop all opposition.

Oh, I see!

-So you've gone bust? Excuse me.

-That's a very libellous statement.

Mr Chesterford...

Look, Crump, we'd sooner see our train at the bottom of the river.

I guarantee that goes for all of us.

-Well?

-He wouldn't even listen.

-Right, that settles it!

-But the risk?

There's nothing else for it. Get Hawkins tonight.

RINGS BELL

ENGINE STARTS

STEAM ENGINE RUNNING

What is it, dear?

-The steam roller.

-Harry Hawkins?

Disgraceful! Keeping that Hampton girl out till this hour.

They haven't spoken for days.

-The inspector's due tomorrow.

-What's that got to do with Hawkins?

He's an enemy of the railway.

You haven't much love for it yourself.

I'm not the sort of man to condone a crime!

SIGHS

You're not going to ring the police?

Ah!

Perhaps I have too much imagination.

No!

Well, then, ring the police, dear. It's not your job to prevent crime.

In my position, one daren't risk making a fool of oneself.

OWL HOOTS

METALLIC THUDS

STEAM ENGINE STARTS

Hey, stop!

Stop! Hey!

Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Who's there?

Stop! Hey! You, there!

Stop!

Sto...

CRASH

CRASHING AND SPLINTERING

GROANING

Ooh! Oh!

Gotcha!

WHEELS SQUEAKING

It's a judgement on me. I've failed in my duty.

Rot, Sam. You couldn't sleep with her.

In a spiritual sense.

That such a crime could be committed in my parish.

-Any chance of getting her up?

-It'd take three months to mend her.

We have precisely 12 hours.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Wouldn't they give us time to get those repairs done?

Red tape is strictly non-elastic.

If there's no railway for the inspector to inspect,

our order is cancelled.

-In other words, we've had it.

-Try to be brave, child.

# Drink to me only with thine eyes

# Drink to me

# Only with... #

All aboard!

# Drink to me

# Only eyes

# Drink to...

# Drink to me

# My eyes

# Dri-ink to my... #

-Holding a wake, Mr Taylor?

-A wake all right!

# Drink to me only... #

A man should never be left to mourn alone.

OWL HOOTS

SLURRED: Never see her again.

Requiescat in pace.

Gone for ever.

Let's hope she didn't suffer.

-Suffer?

-A swift and merciful end.

Oh.

Who are we talking about?

My engine.

My old engine.

But, Dan, you haven't got an engine any more.

There's been an accident. Did nobody tell you?

I know where I can get an engine any time I want!

Another engine?

Another engine.

Psst!

WHISPERS

VALENTINE SINGS: # Harrow may be more clever

# Rugby may make more row

# But we go on for ever

# La di-di-di da da

# All pull together... #

Me hat! Me hat!

# La la la la whatever

# Rugby may make more row

# All pull together

# La-la-la la-la la-la... #

The line is now extinct.

WHISTLE BLOWS

STEAM ENGINE RUNS

TRAIN CHUGGING

WHISTLE BLOWS

Of course!

Of course!

PHONE RINGS

Are you there?

Yes. The police?

Mr Blakeworth? The very man I want. Keep him there.

Keep him there!

-Mr Blakeworth!

-Monstrous! It's an outrage!

-It's so undignified!

-Mr Blakeworth.

BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE

-We must have her!

-You must know that I'm innocent.

She'll still take steam, and with your influence...

Your influence could get me out of here.

-Get you out of where?

-Don't you understand?

-They've put me under arrest.

-You can't do that.

Mr Blakeworth's the town clerk We need him urgently.

We want the Titfield Thunderbolt.

-Out of the museum?

-Yes, yes. She'll run.

She's as good as ever she was. I'll stake my living on it.

This gentleman's accused of wrecking your train, sir.

Nonsense, man! Speak to the mayor. He can give permission.

-You will make him, won't you?

-Tell them to withdraw this charge

and I promise you all the help in my power.

Of course, of course!

Charge withdrawn. Quickly! We've only got six hours.

-Just as I said.

-She's on the timetable.

-Turntable!

-Just as I said.

Shh!

I let the pigeon off but she never came back.

STEAM HISSING

CRANKING 'Ere! What's that?

-Oi!

-Oi!

Jump on. They've rumbled us. Jump on, jump on, jump on.

Come on, jump on.

Jump on, jump on, jump on.

SLURRED: Never missed a signal yet.

HORN HONKING

WHISTLE BLOWS

TYRES SCREECH

-Left for Titfield!

-Short cut.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CRASH

BANGING AND CLATTERING

VALENTINE SINGS DRUNKENLY: # Your body between your knees... #

CLANKING

Careful, boys.

Wait a minute! Careful, now. Slowly.

-Don't bump her.

-Hold it a minute. Hold it.

Come on.

CLUNK

Ease up on the port side.

-Sam!

-What is it?

We've got the engine. We haven't got a passenger train.

-Oh, dear.

-Well, may I make a suggestion?

Couldn't Dan help you there?

-Dan?

-Dan?

Yes, yes! Dan!

Bravo, Mr Blakeworth. Bravo, indeed!

DRUNKEN, RAUCOUS SHOUTING

VALENTINE: # La la la la la la

# Lalala... #

Burning the candle at both ends? Time you good people were in bed.

-Two prisoners.

-What's the charge?

Drunk and disorderly, taking away a locomotive,

driving under the influence of alcohol,

driving an unlicensed vehicle, careless driving,

ignoring pedestrian crossing, failing to observe traffic sign,

causing ashes and/or sparks to be emitted on highway,

driving the wrong side of road, failing to report accident,

malicious damage, excessive noise, defective tyres...

-I never done it. What about bail?

-No. No bail.

I'm in no condition to face my darling wife.

But what about me? I haven't got a wife.

-You haven't got a home, either.

-Mm?

Don't worry, Sam. I'm sure Seth can rig up something.

He's never done a bad job yet.

There's a bishop looking for you, sir.

Bishop?

-You on the carpet?

-I've been expecting it.

But today of all days!

The Bishop of Welchester's here.

Emily, tell him...

-The Bishop of where?

-Welchester.

Ah!

-Hello, Sam.

-Olly Matthews!

-My dear fellow! Come on up.

-I say!

Oh, Sam, what a little beauty!

You lucky devil. What an experience!

-You've seen her before.

-In the museum, but to stand on her!

I did once mount the North Star, Gooch's two-two-two

with a double-crank driving axle, but this, ooh!

-She won't couple.

-Huh?

This type of coupling didn't come in till 30 years later.

-33, to be precise.

-1875? You're quite right, Olly.

The inspector'll never know the difference.

There's only a weak hand brake on this engine.

And if you use the brake in the van,

you'll throw the weight of the whole train on that coupling.

If you give me the time, I'll fix up something to tow the Queen Mary.

Time? We haven't even got a fireman.

Our fireman's got himself into a bit of trouble.

If by any chance he doesn't turn up...

-Sam, you don't mean that I...?

-Keep calm, Olly.

He sinned in a very good cause. They will surely be lenient.

Good morning.

Tell me, is it a pleasant prison?

I've known a few speak well of it. There's always some who moan.

Human nature, my dear sir. No pleasing some people. Thank you.

Ah, well, today's the day. No more opposition for you, my beauty.

It'll be interesting to see how she runs with a full load of passengers.

HUM OF CONVERSATION

HORN HONKING

Where are they all going?

They can't have heard about the accident.

Look!

TYRES SCREECH

CRASH

'Ere, wait a minute. Why don't you look where you're going?

Alec. All right, there, Bernie.

-There's no harm done.

-It's the police.

What the...? Wait a minute! Hey, you!

Hey, stop! Stop!

I didn't do it. It wasn't us.

-Shut up!

-I didn't do it, I tell you.

What didn't you do?

They're coming. The inspector's coming.

My clients wish me to point out

that they are temporarily unable to utilise their best rolling stock.

They trust you will see fit to, er, make certain allowances.

Allowances?

As a lawyer, I should've thought you would appreciate

that the law makes no allowances.

It recognises only fact.

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

Where would you like to sit, Mr Clegg?

Back, facing or sideways?

Thank you. I will stand for the moment.

If I may observe the departure...

You may take the train out.

-This is it, Olly.

-Oh, Sam.

One's first sermon all over again!

Yeah.

CROWD CHEERS

12.03 and one half.

< Hey, stop! Hey, stop!

Wait! Stop!

Stop!

BRAKES SCREECH

-What the devil's this?

-We've had an accident.

These men are in custody. I must ask you to convey us to Mallingford.

-This is a private trip.

-Makes no difference, sir.

'Ere, just a minute!

This is my home! You can't go in without a warrant.

Sorry.

This train doesn't leave without us.

Well, it's a lovely day. I'm quite prepared to walk.

-I'm not.

-We're wasting precious time.

I know we've been high-handed. We wanted to rent it from you...

How much?

Might we say...£10?

Ooh, I'll make it 15. Your bid.

You can keep everything we put into it.

Ha! Come on!

CHUCKLES

Cor. Ha!

-Six and a half minutes late already.

-Nil desperandum, Olly.

Ha! We're off.

Surely, we're entitled to be timed as from now?

-12.09.

-Official time of departure, 12.03.

Huh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

STEAM HISSES

CROWD CHEERS Good luck to you!

You'll be there on time. Good luck, vicar.

-Oh, Sam!

-Chin up, Olly!

Another 50 yards then it's downhill as far as the water crane.

-Thank you, no.

-What now, Mr Clegg?

-Emergency test.

-After all that delay? Turn it up!

ROPE CREAKS

We're over the top! Notice the difference?

Now, we'll show him! Ha ha ha!

Sam!

Look!

-She won't.

-Then put her in reverse.

It's jammed.

Test satisfactory. You may proceed.

"Satisfactory"!

GRINDING AND CLUNKING

Here!

Shh! Shh! Quiet.

LAUGHTER

Shh!

And this is what they call adequate transport!

Might just as well get out and push.

-Running very smoothly.

-Hm. Yes.

It's no use, Sam.

I'm not the man I was.

-Right place...to stop.

-Ah!

Here, quick!

There's our coupling. Harry! Harry!

Stop! Harry, lend us your driving chain.

-What?

-How much do you want?

Ground my roller? Not on your life.

Hey! Let them things alone!

Hey!

Hey! Come out of it!

-Leave it alone!

-Harry, I'll do anything you want.

I'll marry you tomorrow.

You will?

Here, give me that.

Here she comes.

Right, let her go.

CHEERING

Quiet!

For heaven's sake, keep it quiet.

-Rather a sharp pull-up.

-This is where we take on water.

Five more minutes here. Better pack up, old man.

-They've lost their chance now.

-Don't listen to him.

I'm not in the habit of being influenced by hearsay, madam.

That'll do. Let's go.

# Why are we waiting? #

We're off.

-We'll never make it up.

-No, it's the end, Olly.

But we'll go down with flying colours.

Bravely spoken.

STEAM HISSES

STEAM HISSES

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

-Count your blessings, Sam.

-This has made up for everything.

-Well?

-We've made up three and a half.

Only nine minutes late! Surely he must allow some latitude.

Not this fellow.

Time of run, 29 and one half minutes.

We'd be on time if you hadn't pulled that cord.

Average speed, 24.25 miles per hour.

If I may hazard a comment, you were particularly fortunate.

All other requirements having been satisfactory,

it would have been a pity if your timing had let you down.

Fortunate?

Had you reached an average speed of 25 miles an hour,

it would have exceeded the limits imposed on the light railway.

-Be more careful next time.

-Sam's done it!

Hooray! You made it!

Hooray! Good old Reverend! You made it!

Good old Reverend!

Grand work, sir. We, who are about to die...

They made it.

WHISTLE TOOTS

WHISTLE BLOWS

CACOPHONY OF WHISTLES They made it.

CHEERING