Vivacious Lady

I'm looking for Mr Keith Morgan. Have you seen him?

We haven't seen anything but Morgan since Monday. This way, sir.

Hello, Keith, I hope I'm not troubling you.

Why, Professor, you sound a little bitter.

-We have very little time. Come on, you have to hurry.

-Sit down, Peter.

Ah, ah, ah! Can't sit there! That's her chair.

D'you know what time it is? We have to catch a train for Old Sharon.

-Ah, don't you worry.

-This is the... Excuse me.

This is the last time I nursemaid you when you come to New York on one of these frolics.

-I'm not gonna budge till the girl I'm in love with agrees to marry me.

-Well, it's... Excuse me.

I've sat here for four nights and I'll sit here 40 more.

Oh, Pete, she's the most beautiful, exciting...

-What? You aren't serious?

-I am!

-You haven't any monopoly on seriousness.

-Now, Keith...

The 4am train leaves at 4am and I'm going to be on it and so are you.

Waiter, get this man his cheque. I'm going to get his hat.

That's Old Sharon 242.

And I want... And reverse the charges.

I want to speak to Mr Peter Morgan, senior.

If you don't find him there, try the university.

-He's president.

-Then what's Roosevelt doing?

# You'd never dream to look at me

Hello?

-# My life is stuffed with tragedy

-Hello? Dad! Dad?

-Shh! There's a number going on!

-Dad? Hello. I've found him.

-If you shout any louder, you won't need that phone!

-What?

I'm in a night club, Dad. Now, don't get excited. I'm leaving soon.

What? ..No, it's a girl this time.

-How's the mother doing?

-She's fine. What?!

All right, goodbye now.

# ..is a lovely memory

# Oh, I'm forgotten and I'm all alone

# But when you dance with someone else

# And try romance with someone else

# You'll be reminded of me

# And when you look in somebody's eyes

# The way you look into mine

# The memory of those little white lies

# Will haunt you all of the time

# So you've forgotten all the thrills we knew

# But wait, the day will come to you

# And when your heart is broke in two

# You'll be reminded of me

# If you should ever think of New York after dark

# And remember how we rode the hurdy-gurdy in the park

# And later, as we stroll along, you kissed my trembling hand

# And on my finger slipped an 18-carat cigar band

# You'll be reminded of me

# And when you look in somebody's eyes

# The way you look into mine

# The memory of those little white lies

# Will haunt you all of the time

# Go on forgetting all the thrills we ever knew

# But wait-a,

# The day-a

# Will-a come-a to you-a

# And when-a

# Your heart-a

# Is a-broken in two

# You'll be reminded of me

# And I'll be laughing

# You'll be reminded of me. #

APPLAUSE

Charlie...

Tell the fella at my table I've gone. I wanna put one over on him.

Let me know when he leaves.

Oh...

Hello.

How do you do.

-Where's Keith?

-I wish I knew.

Oh, you're, er...

Oh...

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

-Say, what were you trying to do - break me up?

-When you were singing?

-I fell over a cooler over there. I'm exceedingly sorry.

-Don't be.

-Some drunk does it every night. I don't mean you're drunk.

-I'm sorry?

-I said I don't mean that I think you're tight.

-I'm not intoxicated.

-No kidding.

-No. No. I'm just, er...

Just...

The only way I can explain it...

-We had one of the first automobiles in Old Sharon.

-You live there too?

Oh, yes, yes. And one morning, my father was driving along and he didn't see me in the street.

And he ran over me.

It wasn't serious but it was quite a blow.

Well, yeah.

Well, that's just the way I feel right now.

We say it a bit different. We say we feel like we've been hit by a truck.

It's the same idea.

Yeah.

-Have a cigarette?

-No, thanks.

-Something to drink?

-No, I never use it.

-Something to eat?

-Yes, I would like something to eat.

-Oh...

-Not in here.

The food's terrible.

Well, then, we... I mean we...you...

-Do you want to take me out?

-I do! Very much!

-How 'bout it?

-All right.

-And we might see some of New York.

-All right.

Good night, Charlie. I'm going to see New York.

-Has he gone?

-Yes, he's gone, but...

-Boy, did I give him the runaround!

Boy, did we get rid of him!

-Hey, where's Francie?

-Francie went with him.

-Oh, boy...!

-Huh?

-He's showing her New York.

Oh, boy!

-It's so quiet too.

-What?

-I said it's so quiet!

-What did you say?!

The only sound at night is just the wind and the trees.

-What did you say?!

-I said it's so quiet in Old Sharon!

Oh, I'd like that!

Did you ever stop to think how important the universe is?

No, I don't believe I have.

Well, we worry about industry and business...

Few people realise that school is responsible for our civilisation.

Say, what are you?

-Well, I'm a professor.

-Oh.

Well, not quite. Associate professor.

So when I see that university, it gives me quite a thrill because...

Because what?

Well, I'd like to tell you but you'd just think I'm bragging.

Well, no, I like people who think they're good.

-My grandfather was president of Old Sharon university.

-Good night!

My father's president now. And some day, I'm going to be.

I assure you, I've never talked this much before.

But...

I...I just realised... I'm trying to make an impression.

Well, you could let me say something. I'd like to make an impression too.

-You don't have to say anything.

-No?

No. You speak for yourself, and very eloquently too.

Besides, wasn't I at the cafe tonight?

-Did you like my dance?

-You were singing when I came in.

-You didn't see my dance? When I wear the little thing with sequins?

-No.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's the best number I do. I want you to see it.

-Why?

-It's a great number.

-Is that so?

-Terrific.

-So, you're good!

-Yeah, I'm good.

-Now who's bragging?

You got me.

I've missed the train.

-That's too bad.

-Oh, it's all right.

Goodbye.

Goodbye? Why?

I live here.

Oh...

Goodbye.

Er... Do you...

-Do you think things out carefully?

-Things? What things?

-Just things.

-You mean small things or important things?

Er...everything.

Well, if it's small things, I never do.

But important things, I never do either.

Oh... I think you ought to think them out, don't you?

Because small things develop into very important things.

Yes, but you just think things out and...

they happen anyhow.

Well... What, you mean there's some things you just can't control?

I don't think you can control anything.

TELEPHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-'Good morning.'

Well...good morning.

-If you aren't doing anything, would you have breakfast with me?

-Sure.

-Where are you?

-'At the drugstore.'

-Give me 15 minutes.

-Make it five.

All right, five. Goodbye.

Good morning. We're having a little special today. A toothbrush free with a bottle of mouthwash.

Just taste this. No iron, no tin, no irritants, no...

-Brown hair, blue eyes, about 6' 1" tall.

-In shoes or stockinged feet?

-Stockinged feet.

-I haven't seen him.

Beg your pardon, sir.

Never mind, I've found him.

Now, that's all right. Keith, Keith, wake up now.

-May I have the tickets?

-Oh, I...

Keith, may I use your drawing room? I'll buy you a berth.

-Sorry, there's no more space.

-I'll sleep here.

-Drawing room A, car 71.

Would you, er...?

Keith, I...

Listen...

The most wonderful thing's happened.

-Some would say it's a miracle...

-Don't you care what people say.

But there's nothing particularly miraculous about it! It's chemistry.

Anodes attract cathodes...

Don't tell me - you're in love.

No. No. I'm married.

-Married a cathode? That's a funny name.

-Her name's Francie.

Oh, Francie? That's a very pretty name. Francie.

-That's my girl!

-Wait a minute, boss! Take it easy.

Hey! What are you trying to do, lose me?

Oh, no.

-I'm never gonna lose you.

-You better not.

It only took a day to happen but I'm in love with you for always.

-Think you can stand it?

-Well, I'll try.

You...er... You can move in.

What did Keith say?

-He was a little startled.

-I bet.

Oh, do you mind, er...he and I... Well, do you mind if we go in alone?

-She has claustrophobia...

-Yes.

Now I know I've heard everything.

-I've never been married before and...

-Frightened?

-Frightened? No. I'm never gonna be frightened again.

Now you're my wall to lean against.

Well, I've always tried to be a strong man in a conservative way.

Well, my strong and conservative man, carry me across our first threshold.

Oh, no, Francie.

No, that's... People did that... That's old...

Beg your pardon...

That's all right. I know how it is.

-Well, how is it?

-Can't a man make a mistake?

-He could knock!

-Isn't this Drawing Room A, car 71?

-Yes, this is Drawing Room A, car 71. Here's our ticket.

-But you see...

-What are you gonna do about this? Throw them out!

-They're going.

-We'd rather stay, if you...

-Then the conductor will throw you out...

No. This is our drawing room and I won't budge.

Good! I was wondering what we'd do all night.

Every time I take a trip with you, something happens.

And when I don't, something happens. I know what I'm married to.

You haven't fooled me, not one minute. But I don't care!

Look, dear. Why can't you keep quiet.

Before I pin your big ears back!

-You heard him! You're witnesses!

-I wish you had a mother to go back to.

-I wish I had another husband!

I'll get you one at the next station.

-You're gonna be a nasty old man.

-There's room in the observation car.

-I guess she got frightened.

-Frightened of what?

Another peep out of you and you'll sleep in the observation car.

Francie, you'd better hurry!

Peter, what is a professor's wife meant to do? I forgot to ask.

Oh, mostly just keep the professor happy, that's all. Ready?

You're gonna like Old Sharon. You're gonna like my family too.

-And they'll love you.

-I hope so.

Never having had one of my own, I have an illusion about one.

-Good moring.

-Keith!

-Francie! What are you...? Oh, yes, I married you.

-Ah, ah, she married me!

-Oh, that's all right, then we're cousins.

-You can use that drawing room now if you want.

-Don't get fresh.

-The old man looks calm considering you're married.

-I haven't told him.

-Oh, you haven't told him.

-No.

-Save me two seats on the 50-yard line.

I'm gonna tell him. I'm old enough to know what I'm doing.

It isn't as if I ran off and got married. I thought it out carefully.

-If he has anything to say, he can say it to my face.

-Maybe I'd better wait till you straighten things out.

-Come to my place...

-No! No.

-Then you could tell them.

-I'll come over later.

-I don't like that...

-Don't you think I ought to?

-Maybe.

-Come along, cousin Francis.

OK. Oh, Francie, come here.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

Goodbye? I'll be seeing you in a minute!

We'll be at my cosy apartment. Call us some time.

Keith, is your phone connected?

Hi, uncle.

Who is that blonde thing with Keith?

There he is. Hello, darling. How are you?

-Who's that?

-Helen. His fiancee.

-He's a bigamist!

In the second degree. The old man whipped her up - blue blood, a thoroughbred.

No, I gotta see. I can't have my husband engaged to just anybody.

-I didn't know you were... Hello, Dad...

-Don't tell me, I can see.

Every time I send someone to do something for me, nothing happens.

-I sent you to New York to get Keith.

-I brought him...

-Yes, but not that blonde too.

-Isn't that the girl you spoke to me about on the phone?

-Yes, that's the girl. She's a very nice girl, Dad.

When you were 12, I informed you and you still don't know one woman from another. We won't discuss it now.

-Take Helen home.

-Yes, but...

-I have a meeting at the university.

-Dad...

Come on, Peter. It isn't your fault.

-I wonder if it's inherited or acquired.

-What do you mean?

He's allergic to blondes. He sees one and breaks out in a rash.

-The only cure is to send him back to the African bush.

-I trust him.

Oh, I just want to thank you for everything. I had a wonderful time.

-It makes me break out in goose flesh. Did you ever break out?

-Not lately.

I'll always think of you as my cousin.

Thank you, again.

Directly home, sir?

Yes...

Here, wipe your mouth before Joseph kisses you.

Goodbye.

Ada, get some fluffy drapes for the windows out of the cedar chest.

Get the bedspread for that bed, get something put here. I want it to look very feminine. Very feminine.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. ..Oh, hel-lo.

Hello, Francie? Are you all right? What's Keith doing?

He's gone out... No, here he is now.

Oh!

Oh-h!

Oh, Keith, you're wonderful!

'O-h-h!'

Oh, you're a darling! Mmm!

'Mmmm!'

-'Hey!'

-Oh! Oh, hello.

-What's going on?

-Keith just bought a cake.

-What's all that noise?

-It's a wedding cake. Listen.

DING-A-LING

Oh. Well, don't cut it before I get over.

No, we won't. Say, have you told your mother and father?

No, not yet but they'll take a reasonable attitude.

Really, Mrs Jones, your baby's no trouble, she can stay as long as...

Look, darling, couldn't you send Keith off on an errand for you?

Don't listen.

Come here.

SHE KISSES DOWN THE PHONE

Come on. I'll blow closer.

SHE KISSES FERVENTLY

Oh, just a minute, Keith.

-Dad...

-Finish your conversation.

SQUELCHY KISSES FROM PHONE

I had.

-He hung up.

-Helen probably popped in.

I wouldn't worry about it. Much.

The student council meets this afternoon.

As a member of the advisory committee, you'll be there.

Furthermore, we're having spring difficulties between male and female students a little early.

Fraternising in the lockers.

-Then there's the Prom.

-I want to tell you about that girl.

-I'll give no more thought to your involvement.

-I'll take care of Keith my own way.

-You don't understand.

-The subject is closed.

-The subject is NOT closed.

-This is so distasteful.

-At the risk of being a bore, I will talk about it.

-I insist you respect my wishes!

THEY SHOUT ABOVE ONE ANOTHER

Your voices!

-I refuse to treated...

-Don't shout!

Shouting is the effort of a limited mind.

-Oh, Mother.

-See what you've done.

Get the smelling salts. You know your mother can't stand excitement.

-I'll go. Get the smelling salts.

-I thought so.

Here.

-Oh, Mother, I'm so sorry.

-Oh, I'm all right, dear.

-Sooner or later, I'll...

-Haven't you done enough? I'm all right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello... Hey! Hello?

Hello, Francie? I haven't quite got this sorted out but I have an idea.

I want you to get dressed up and get Keith to take you to the Prom. My folks will be there.

-He wants you to take me to the Prom.

-Why bore her on her first night?

Keith, listen, I want her to be there to meet them when I tell them.

That way it'll be much easier with all the music and the atmosphere.

-I'll meet you in the locker room.

-You stay outta the locker room!

Just a moment, Mr Morgan.

-That's all right. Who's the young lady?

-She's my guest.

Mr Morgan, you know this is a closed affair - students and faculty only.

She is a student. Miss Francie Brent.

Yes, a student. She's a student in my class.

Botany. Class 40.

-What'll happen if they find out? You'll get in trouble.

-I don't mind.

Don't worry. Everything will be explained tonight.

-Will I like them? Will they like me?

-Nothing like you happened to us before.

-That's what I'm afraid of.

-Darling...

-Francie.

Francie, sit down here. Take your coat off.

Mother and Dad will come that way.

-Where did you get to?

-Hello, Helen.

Helen, this is... I'd like you to meet...

-Miss Francie Brent.

-Yes.

She's with us now. She's in my class.

-Post-graduate.

-How do you do.

-I recognise your goose flesh.

-Yes, it's nice to stand out in a crowd.

Your platonic friendships are becoming irksome. Come, sweet.

Er...

-I... I'll be right back. Excuse me, Keith.

-While you drown her.

-"Come, sweet"! Who does she think she is? Why, I'll...

-Not now.

Hello, Mr Morgan.

-Mrs Morgan.

-Good evening, Uncle Peter, Aunt Martha.

-Good evening.

-I made a fine impression! I'd better go home.

-It could have been worse.

-I might have hit him.

-Come on.

Wait. How do I look? Where's Peter?

-I think I'd better go fix my face.

-The little girls' room's over there.

All right. I'll be back.

-Oh, Helen, excuse me, I want to speak to Dad.

-No.

-No? No, what?

-No, I won't excuse you.

-Why not?

Because it's my dance. And I don't want you to behave like your father.

-Dad's all right!

-Louder, I didn't hear you.

-He's still all right!

Excuse me.

It was her fault.

Oh, what lovely sheer hose! Where do you get them?

Livingstone's, Fifth Avenue.

They have only the best and I think it pays, don't you? Naturally.

To buy the best, I mean.

I wish we could get them here.

Send away for them. I do when I go south for winter.

- Have you a cigarette? - Hm?

- May I have a cigarette? - Oh...a cigarette?

Oh, yes, I have a cigarette.

Oh, I couldn't take your last one.

Go ahead. I can take 'em or leave 'em.

How's that?

Thank you.

Now, about those hose - I wouldn't send away for them, if I were you.

You can buy them any place for 50 cents cheaper. Really?

Just because they come from Fifth Avenue, you have to pay 25% more.

And besides, they run.

We haven't met before. No.

Are you going to be with us? I am.

You're a new student? That's right.

-Mrs Morgan.

-Yes.

-Mr Morgan says to tell you he's waiting.

-Thank you.

-And Mrs Morgan...you better snuff out that snipe!

-Oh, of course!

Thank you. Good night, my dear.

I hope you're going to like us. I was gonna say the same thing.

If my husband wouldn't let me smoke, I'd get me a husband that would.

Depends on which you enjoy the most.

SHE MUMBLES TO HERSELF

-I met Peter's mother.

-Did you say who you were?

-No. But I think she's wonderful!

She was my favourite aunt before she got married. Let's find Peter.

And hurry, cos I got the shakes.

Huh!

If she gets any closer, she'll be behind him!

-What do you think you're doing?

-Don't you know? I'm mad about you!

Darling, give me your neck to bite into. Round the jugular! Raargh!

I don't mean to be prudish, but the way you were holding that girl!

Well, now, she was holding me!

Would I be too boring if I suggested you break off your engagement?

The engagement's broken. She doesn't know. But I want to take one thing at a time.

-Did you get your ring back?

-I never gave her a ring!

-Don't shout!

-We're quarrelling, and no-one knows we're married.

-You won't tell them!

If we want to quarrel, why shouldn't we?

-It's one of the nice things about being married.

-Certainly.

-Certainly.

Right, sit here. I'm gonna tell 'em!

Oh...

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Then why don't you tell 'em!

I... I just didn't mean to upset you.

I'm not upset about that. It's just...

I got the shakes. I know I'm gonna make a mess outta things.

My mascara's running.

Why, darling, you are shaking. There's nothing to be afraid of. They're just my mother and father.

-Then why are you shaking?

-Huh?

Sympathetic action. Hold your breath and count to ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... It's no use.

All right. Now.

Go get 'em!

Hold your head up a little higher.

There. There. Now, don't move.

I'll be right back.

I wouldn't try that in a high wind. You might take off.

Keith, get Mother and bring her here. I'll get Dad.

I wonder if you could stand me saying I dislike you intensely.

-I want to go away.

-Not before I tell you Peter and I are to be married.

-Is that so?

-Not that knowing that would make any difference.

-Well, no.

Peter needs protection against a certain type of woman.

-I could work on that.

-Will you mind your own business or must I give you a piece of my mind?

I couldn't take the last piece.

Why did you do that? I'll only have to hit you back.

You contemptible little blonde! How dare you? Who do you think you are?

There, and there's plenty more! I won't keep still, I won't, I won't!

Shhh!

-Shhh!

-How dare you? You can't do that! I won't keep still. I won't!

You can't do that! Stop "shushing" me! I don't care who hears me!

Ow! Ooh!

Right. Put 'em up.

So, you wanna talk to the old man?

Strong and healthy and yet he has to come to the old man.

Chip off the old block. Well, what is it, son? Is he too big for you?

-Well, he can't lick both of us, can he?

-Excuse me.

Now, don't tell me - you've got something up your sleeve. I can tell.

-Out with it. Gimme up the truth.

-It's a surprise.

-I've sent for Mother. I want you both here.

-It'd better be good.

Dad, this is good.

Ah, ha, ha...

It... It's good, Peter.

Er...

Don't you think it's a little too rough?

Rough?

Now, wait a minute!

Francie, wait!

-Let me at her!

-Easy...

-Let me at her!

-Let me at her!

Take it easy.

So, Helen fouled you with a pin?

Yes, and behind my back.

-If that fight had only gone another round!

-I've made a mess of things.

Don't be silly. Helen was a mess before you got to her.

What happens if they find out I'm not a student? Will you lose your job?

We'll worry about that tomorrow.

In the meantime, we'll just worry about tonight.

Make yourself comfortable, Francie.

Anything you can't find, you'll have to do without.

I'll kiss your husband goodnight for you.

-Is Peter in his room?

-Yes, he is, I guess.

-Are you the guest he was expecting?

-Yes, sure.

-You could have fooled me.

-Wanna make something of it?

-I know you don't want to be disturbed.

But you forgot something. Move over.

Bless you, my children.

"What about that girl?"

"In regard to that young woman..."

"What about that girl?" "In regard to that young woman."

-What about that girl?

-I lose. I bet you'd say it the other way.

I'm not in a playful mood. I resent your beating around the bush. I always get to the point immediately.

I accept that as a tradition of the Morgans.

-But I bet you lose a lot of fun.

-I want to discuss that girl.

Uncle, that girl happens to be... a very good friend of mine.

I won't stand it. Bringing her home. Get her out of town.

I can't. She's here because... She heard Old Sharon gave a great course in Botany.

Keith Morgan, I've watched you go to perdition in your dipsomaniacal way at least twice during this semester

and I've made no issue of it. And I'll overlook this.

But if that girl makes one more mistake like last night, it'll go hard with everyone. Now, get out.

A hotshot he'd have been in the French Revolution!

-How did he treat you?

-Like I taught you to fight. Here's your card. You duck into Papa's classroom.

This is your first day. Be good and make Mother proud.

I'll be home as soon as Papa learns me all about the flowers.

THEY WOLF WHISTLE

-Don't you see it?

-No.

Right on the centre. Don't you see the tentacles?

Just a minute.

Now, this is the lowest form of plant life.

-See?

-Hello.

Hello. They're perfect as far as they go.

-Now if we take...

-I love you.

-You were about to take something.

-Well, leave it.

-Are you Professor Morgan?

-Yes.

-I'm supposed to report to you.

-I'll take her to her place.

-Never mind. I'll take her myself.

-I have a lot to catch up. Can you help?

-Yes, dear.

WOLF WHISTLES

We're studying the lowest form of vegetable life.

Take a drop of water and put it on the slide.

This water's from the gutter of a roof - it's been standing some time.

-I didn't know you were this wonderful.

-Um...

Er... Now you use these to get the focus.

And you'll notice a sort of a green colouring...

..a green colouring. That is a multitude of small green bodies.

See?

I want you to examine that very carefully. If you run into difficulty, just ask.

-Hurry back, dear.

-All right, darling.

BELL RINGS

All right. Any questions about tomorrow's quiz, see Mr Culpepper.

Hey, Morgan, that new student - probably not a thing up here except blonde hair.

Now, wait a minute! You take it easy.

I just don't like to have new students maligned. She hasn't had the benefit of earlier lectures.

I'm sorry about that. I'll bring her up to date.

Won't you sit down?

And I'll try and explain some of these things to you.

Botany is the romance of life.

Before you're through, you'll never want to walk on a blade of grass.

-Is that so?

-Well, yeah, honey, plants are just like us.

At first, they're playfully young.

Then they grow up and become more serious. If you know what I mean?

Culpepper, run down the hall and get tomorrow's slides.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

I'll be back.

-Darling, I've been so anxious to talk to you.

-Can't we ever be alone?

Here!

-Are you all right? How do you feel? Did Helen hurt you?

-Not much. I was so frightened, I just ran.

-Keith could hardly catch me. And I was lonesome.

-I worried all night.

For a man of Dad's intelligence, he was pretty primitive about it. I just let him sleep it off.

-I ruined everything.

-Try not to worry too much.

It's enough to drive you crazy, but remember - bad beginning, good finish.

-I must be due a load of happiness.

-No, "we" must.

-Keith said...

-Keith? Well, now, look now...

We've imposed on him long enough.

I want you to leave Keith's apartment and find one for us.

You see...

Well, we're having a quiz tomorrow and a lot of visiting professors

-and you don't know anything about botany. Or do you?

-If it's anything like us, I do.

No.

No, it's...a little different.

I thought I could come round and give you the questions and answers.

Good.

All right.

You go over to the Martha Gregory Apartments. It's nice and quiet...

It'll be better for our lesson.

All right, teacher.

Thank you, teacher.

WOLF WHISTES

Don't expect any consideration for your late entrance into the class. You'll have to work twice as hard.

All right, teacher.

Cute, isn't he?

HE WHISTLES

There you are, deary. I've given you another quilt.

Our young ladies are always complaining about chilly nights.

If you want anything else, just call. Thank you.

There's Walter again! Always falling down - just like him!

Walter?!

Walter was my husband.

But you never could depend on him.

-Where do you think you're going?

-Francie French's apartment.

-This hotel is for ladies exclusively.

-I know...

-Yes, if you would...

-I'm her botany professor and...

-Read!

-But...

-NO exceptions.

-"No gentlemen allowed..."

-Botany professor, huh?!

-Come on!

-People think of the silliest excuses.

-Call her.

Tell her I'm here.

Will you sit down, please?

CLANG!

-All aboard!

-Shhh!

TWIT-TWOO!

Alone at last!

Professor, we don't mind you using the front seat. Just settle down!

ENGINE ROARS

ENGINE OFF

EVERYONE YELLS

Anybody would think I'm not your husband, including me!

If ever a girl felt unmarried, I do. Can't you tell your father?

-We'll tell him now. He's making a speech at the university.

-I'll wait outside.

"And all for what? For nothing. For applause.

"What is applause to him or he to applause that he should weep for it?"

-Why aren't you at the faculty?

-Dad, sit down.

Mr Noble is endowing a new library. We should honour him with our presence.

This is more important than Noble.

Your problems are secondary.

You know that girl you think is Keith's girl?

Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

-She's my wife!

-Now, our president. >

POLITE APPLAUSE

We are gathered here this evening...

..to pay homage to a man...

..who has this day...

WHISPERS

I'll have to ask you to excuse me for a few moments.

-What was it you said?

-I said that girl is my wife.

And, Dad, she's the finest wife that any man could have.

-Peter, are you mad?

-I think so and I hope it's permanent.

-I won't allow you to toss your life away.

-Let me do as I wish.

-It's a courtesy you'd...

-You're confusing courtesy and licence.

Your career here might lead to the presidency of this university.

I say, "might". Father, are you all right?

What happened? I'm all right. It's this boy.

-I was so frightened...

-I'm glad you're here.

-Quiet. You know she has a weak heart.

-I've been quiet long enough!

-Get some water.

-Mother, I'm sorry.

-I... I didn't...

-Can you get some water?

Are you all right, dear? Fine.

Give that to me!

-You'll kill your mother!

-Dad...

-Don't say anything to her.

-But...

If you don't care about her welfare, I do!

I'm sorry about your mother, Peter. Really I am.

-But why should

-I

-be a shock?!

-You wouldn't be.

It's just that Dad was afraid that

on top of her breaking down over his muffing that acceptance speech of his, she...

Well, I don't know.

Gosh, and Mr Noble - I hope he's not offended.

I'd hate to see the university lose that endowment over ME.

-Over ME, you mean.

-You didn't have anything to do with it.

What's that?

Goodbye.

Oh, but, Francie...!

-Francie, would you please listen...!

-Look, you!

What?!

Remember our house rules.

Don't start anything rough. And I wear glasses.

They're being fixed right now, but it's illegal to hit a man in glasses.

SLAM!

Hello. Can you reserve a compartment on the 1.00am New York train? And can someone come up for my bags?

Francie, I know you oughta be angry with me and leave.

But please don't go.

I'm not angry.

Well, you oughta be! I know that if you were me and I were you, I'd be angry and leave you!

-But don't leave me.

-Oh, darling, please don't.

It's too difficult. Now, go on back down...

If you don't stop, I'll go out there and yell that I have a right to be here!

-Let's talk this over.

-No, no - I can talk much more lucidly from here, with you over there.

I'll say no to everything you say about leaving!

-I've made up my mind.

-What about OUR minds?

-I told you to stay over there!

One ticket to New York.

Well...well...couldn't I just...

couldn't I just sit down and watch you while you leave?

I promise I...won't say anything or argue.

I'll just sit.

All right.

Kiss me goodbye!

Yeah.

Goodbye, darling.

-Goodbye, darling.

-Goodbye.

Oh, Walter! Oh, there it goes again.

-Who's Walter?

-The maid calls it Walter - like her husband, it falls down unexpectedly.

Wait a minute, I'll...

..I'll help you.

-Once I just opened that drawer and it fell down.

-Comes down easy, huh?

Well...I'd better hurry.

If I don't, I'll miss my train.

You'll be careful going down the fire escape, won't you?

Oh, that...

Course, there was a policeman there when I came up, but I can take a chance.

-But he might think you're a burglar and shoot you!

-Sure. It's all right.

Think maybe I'd better stay here till he goes.

Well, I have a few minutes to kill. I'll stay here too.

-Yes, there's no sense waiting at that station.

-No, you're right.

Usually hotels send up a maid to see you haven't stolen the towels...

And if she found you here and it got round you were in a woman's room...

-Without a woman...

-Yes. They'd never believe you.

-No.

Are you all packed? Do you think you have everything?

I'm quite sure.

I always forget things when I go to hotels.

Leave them in drawers.

HE FUMBLES THROUGH THE DRAWERS

CRASH!

Nothing in there.

I left some books in the desk drawer. Do you mind returning them for me?

May I keep one by? The university has so many, they wouldn't miss just one.

-Sure.

-Would you autograph it for me?

-I'm not the author!

-But you're much better!

There's ink in the kitchen.

Close the drawer.

"Francie, darling, I love you. Never read beyond this page."

Darling, don't let me go!

Oh, that makes sense.

Who's there?

The clerk. Your train leaves in 15 minutes.

She's not going! You can return the tickets!

Who's that?

-Return the tickets!

-Ssh! Hush!

-Do I have to go now?

-Yes, darling. Goodbye, sweet. See you tomorrow.

Open up. This is against the rules.

Will you open the door? Where is he?

DEEP VOICE: What "he"? What do you mean, "he"?

What's the matter? I have a cold and it makes me very hoarse.

O-O-O-OH!

You take some hot tea, lemon and molasses, honey and butter,

put them together... And it spells mother.

TOOTS HORN

-Good evening.

-Were Miss Brent a lady, she'd show you to the ladder.

I was giving her some homework.

Night.

Oh...I left the car over here.

-How's Mrs Morgan?

-Fine.

-I'm going to read to her.

-That's very kind.

The doctor says she must have rest and quiet.

SLAM! I said quiet!

I didn't say nothin'!

SLAM! Did I?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Hello, Francie.

-Oh, hello, darling!

-Hey, you're late!

-Where are you?

-Just beginning class.

I'll be over just as soon as I get up, take my bath, eat breakfast and tell you how much I love you.

Ow!

Walter's lumpy.

Well, do you love me?!

Hmm? Ye...yes!

-Yes, what?

-I do!

-You do what?

-Love you, but there's people here.

Well, who do you love? Come on, tell me!

Er...

If you'll submit a sample...

er...

I would love to make a test of it for you. Get it?

I got it!

"..The piety that blossoms into character, making it august and lovely. ..These attributes..."

Helen?

-Oh, Mrs Morgan.

-What's the matter?

-That girl we thought was Keith's - well, she's not, she's Peter's!

Probably nothing. A silly flirtation.

Is leaving a woman's apartment in the dead of night a flirtation?

Gossip. Pay no attention to what you hear.

I saw him sneaking out this morning with my own eyes!

There's only one way to handle a woman like that. I'm getting up!

Hello!

May I come in? Why, yes, please do.

Won't you sit down? May I remain standing?

That's fine, Mrs Morgan.

You knowing who I am simplifies what I have to say to you.

Young lady, I know all about you and Peter.

Mother...

I'm so glad you know. We didn't know how to tell you we were married.

Now it all seems so simple!

I was so worried I might lose him!

It sounds silly, but I took one look at him, and I said, "That's the guy."

Well, it's the first I've heard! I think I will take that chair.

Oh, you...you mean they didn't tell you?

I'd never have done this to you! Your heart...

Want some water? How do you feel?

You know...

..I think I'm going to feel fine.

Oh dear, I intended to start so differently!

I wanted to ask you what Peter likes, and, mainly, how to make him happy.

I think you'll manage that.

May I have a cigarette?

Your heart! Oh, nonsense!

You have heart trouble. Oh, well...

Maybe I do have heart trouble... when it's convenient.

Whenever my husband raises his voice, oh, my dear...

it saves so much wear and tear and you avoid listening to boring details about the university.

They bring you your meals in bed and it's quiet and love... It's lovely!

I've spent the best years of my marriage in bed with heart trouble!

Morning, Francie...

Oh, Aunt Martha! I...just came to drive Miss Brent to school.

Mrs Morgan knows about the marriage.

How do you feel, Auntie?

Better than that. I don't wish to be nosey, but what did you do before you married Peter?

You never heard of Francie Brent, the darling of Broadway?! Huh! Auntie, do you know the Big Apple?

Well, it's a fruit, but I don't know which one.

-Come on, Francie, we'll give her a chunk.

-Oh.

-Get into this thing.

One, two, three. Come on, Francie, get in it!

One, two, three - swing out!

-Swing low.

-What can I do with him?

Swing high!

And a stomp!

Young man, I want to see Miss Francie Brent.

307. But girls should meet boyfriends down here.

I'm president of the university. Well, why aren't you in school?

I'm playing hooky! Oh, for shame!

And across. on, two, three, turn!

TURNS UP MUSIC

Come on. Get into it! Come on, Mrs Morgan.

-Praise Allah! Praise Allah!

-Don't you want to do the Big Apple?

-Oh, no, I couldn't! Oh, please.

-Come on...

-I've never done anything like this...

-Oh, come on!

< FAINT MUSIC AND SINGING

One, two, very good!

Really do it. One, two,

Three, four. One, two, three, four

One, two, drop the apple!

-Lower!

-You're killing me.

One, two.

Suzie Q!

Goin' to town. One, two.

Three, four.

Jump, two, three, four. Jump, two, three, four.

A-one, a-two, a-three, a-four.

Praise Allah! Praise Allah.

-Shine, shine!

-Do what you wanna!

Come on, Eddie. Strut your stuff. Don't you stop till you've had enough.

-MOTHER: How'm I doing?

-One, two, stomp on down!

Doh!

Doh!

Don't stop now.

Praise Allah! Praise Allah! Praise Allah!

MUSIC OFF

Praise...

- Have you quite finished? - It's for my heart.

My heart.

One surprise after another.

We were celebrating Mother knowing about Peter and me.

"Mother"? Very domestic.

You'd better sit down, dear.

You look like a practical lady. Please, dear.

I know you don't approve of me. Do you expect me to?

You know nothing about me. Peter met you in a dancehall.

Before he had a chance to catch his breath, you hooked him.

I hooked him for that very desirable and very underpaid job of his

or his social condition. Is that what you mean?

The solution to a situation like this is quiet divorce.

You're not grading papers or dismissing classes. He's my husband.

If you insist on being unreasonable, I must ask Peter for his resignation.

You can't do that! Come, dear. I must be off.

SHE WHISTLES "Come on. Come on!

"Come here. Go there."

Thirty years I've had of it and all for Old Sharon.

All for the alma mater. You laugh when you want to cry.

If you want to laugh, don't laugh too loudly.

Don't wear a red dress, even though you love red. Red's too conspicuous.

Our alma mater. Alma mater...

Your sons and daughters are true blue and we love you through and through.

Even though you break my son's heart, I'm still supposed to love you through and through.

Well, you can have your alma mater.

But here's one of her daughters who won't love her any more!

Coming, my dear? Coming?! I'm going!

And I'm going too, Mr Morgan. Thank you.

Lepto - delicate, spor - seed, angi, means case or vessel.

Leptosporangi - a seedcase formed from a single delicate cell.

-Is it clearer now?

-Yes, Professor.

But in the reproduction of ferns, which matures first - the male or female?

-Keith, what are you doing here?

-Drowning your sorrows.

Would you get out and go home?

Dad's showing Mr Noble around. He'll be here any minute.

-Professor?

-Yes? Repeat the question, please.

In the reproduction of the fern...?

What's the idea? It's the first time you've done this.

-It's the first time your wife's ever left you.

-What did you say?

I said, in the reproduction...

Your wife's leaving on the four o'clock train.

-Culpepper, take the class!

-What will I do?

-Talk!

-Francie! Francie!

-Tell her I'll see her in New York.

-Keith told me...

But listen, you can't do this.

No, darling, I'm leaving. There's nothing you can do.

No, darling, listen...

All right. Catch the four o'clock train.

If I don't have it all straightened out by four, catch it.

But I'll have it straightened out before four! I'm won't say goodbye!

I love you, darling. Goodbye.

Don't toss it all away on a girl who'll blacken the name of Morgan.

As if I couldn't blacken my own name!

Hey, don't break that!

Before I get through, he'll think Francie's too good for me.

A quarter litre there. Well, it's as good a name-blackener as any.

Take it easy!

Merciful saints preserve us! Today, you are a man!

-HOARSELY:

-I don't feel a thing!

Not a thing. Do you have any more?

-I'll get some.

-No, I don't have time.

Shhh!

I'll make it myself.

Hold that!

I've saved this one for last. It's my son's class.

Even if it was somebody else's son, it would still be the best class.

I bet you tipped the boy off we were coming. Come in, gentlemen.

You know, moments of ecstasy and... moments of depression.

-Go ahead, Mr Culpepper.

-Yes, sir.

Do me a little favour.

Divorce Francie so she can marry me.

What do you say?

I told Francie that if she divorced you...I'd marry her.

What do you say?

-In the contemplation...

-BREAKING GLASS >

-In the contemplation of plant...

-CRASHING AND BANGING >

..Jack and the beanstalk. After all, the bean isn't the enemy of man.

Or is it?

I'll take the class. Thank you.

Open discussion. Any questions?

I know I have!

I know Cuttledepfeffer has, haven't you?

Well, speak up, man! Speak up!

Well, yes I have. But I don't believe I'd be able to make myself clear.

You come from Texas, don't you?

Yes, I do! Bless her!

Texas... Bless her.

YIIIIIIP-PEEEEE!

A chip off... A chip off the old block!

Excuse me, Peter. Class is dismissed.

PETER WHISTLES

Peter isn't feeling very well. He never felt better in his life!

Oh, don't take this too seriously.

There's nothing like a liberal education! You get your library! Yippee!

Peter, what are you trying to do?

Sir, I am a blaggard! How am I doing?

In front of your class! What explanation can we make?

Well, sir, I figure that if I could do a pretty good job

of blackening the Morgan name, she'd fit right in.

-So that's it!

-THAT is it!

-You don't know what's good for you.

-Well, one of us must be wrong.

While you are a member of my faculty, you must do as I say!

-Then consider me no longer a member of the faculty.

-Now, Peter...

Surprised! Surprised!

Surprised that any Morgan would put anything above the university!

Dad, listen to me. I love it here.

There's nothing in this whole world that I would be than a professor

EXCEPT a good husband to my wife.

Now, you may not understand that.

If you don't understand, I feel sorry for you.

But I refuse to sacrifice my wife's happiness for this university, as much as I love it.

All aboard! >

Oooh! I've got five minutes to get to the station.

-I won't let you go...

-I have no time to talk.

Are you all right, Peter?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

You've just had one too many.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

SHE SOBS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

A nice cold ham sandwich.

The kitchen was about to close. A minute later and that ham would be in the ice box.

Is everything all right?

Very nice... Thank you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Here you is, ma'am. A nice cold ham sandwich. I just caught the cook.

I said, "There's a lady who craves ham."

Would you prefer wholewheat bread?

Oh, no... No, this is really very nice.

I know how you feel, lady.

Here's your mustard.

Oh, I don't want it now!

I can't eat anything!

I reckon I couldn't eat nothing either.

Oh, would you get me some cigarettes, please?

I'm sorry, lady, but the bar is closed.

SHE SOBS

But I'll get you some if I have to steal them!

Mister, would you give me a cigarette, please?

Oh, porter.

SOBBING: Will you please get me a pack of cigarettes, too?

I borrowed the last one the gentleman had.

For the lady next door - she seems to be awfully low.

But you look like you're lower, so take it.

Oh, no. I couldn't take the last...

Well...

HE SOBS: That's awfully sweet of you.

I got the last cigarette a gentleman had. But the lady next door is awfully low

and she takes one end and sends you the other end.

Oh, Mother!

BRIGHTLY: Hello, Mother.

Why, Francie!

Oh, my dear. Sit down.

I've just left my husband.

Me too. I've just left mine.

Oh, so glad to see you. I was so hungry!

Have part of my sandwich.

Oh, how lovely.

All of this for me? I'm as hungry as a wolf.

Me too! I guess it must be this freedom.

I...I feel so free...

Yes, that's how I feel. Free!

New York will be so much fun! So many gay places.

We can go where we want to... ..and do what we want to.

Wear what we want without husbands...

..to watch out after us...

..and to bother us.

- You know you don't feel good. - I know I don't.

Oh, it's all my fault. I came along and caused all this trouble.

Your mustard, ma'am.

It doesn't matter about Peter and me. I hardly knew him!

Would you make up our berths?

Good night, dear.

Pardon me!

What is it? We hit a car.

Was anybody hurt? Nobody in it.

Good night. Good night.

There must be a less expensive way of stopping a train than wrecking your car!

-The next time your wife leaves you, you work it out!

-That car is valued at 200!

My wife is valued at more and I'm not gonna trade her in!

-I'm looking for a young girl. A blonde...

-Left her husband?

-Yeah!

-Compartment B.

Porter. a lady... Compartment C.

Who is it? Open the door!

Mother, open this door! I've come to take you home.

This nonsense must stop.

Quiet, please.

A big shot in the French Revolution!

Dad, you have a decision to make.

-What do you suggest?

-What do you want most - your high horse or your wife?

Go away!

Oh, oh, I was in that wreck.

The train struck me. Oh, my heart.

Oh, my heart! Oh! Why didn't you tell me?

My poor dear!

Oh, darling! How did you get here?

-A honeymoon without a husband is silly, isn't it?

-Uh-huh.

Look out!

Subtitles by BBC Subtitling - 1997