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MUSIC: Upside Down by Paloma Faith

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# Angels watching over me with smiles upon their face... #

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Evening. Hello. Thank you.

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# ..Cos I have made it through this far

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# In an unforgiving place

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# It feels sometimes this hill's too steep

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# For a girl like me to climb

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# But I must knock

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# Those thoughts right down

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# I do it in my own time

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# I don't care

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# I'm halfway there

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# Nowhere

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# On a road that leads me straight

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# To who knows where?

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# I tell you what

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# I tell you what

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# What I have found

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# What I have found

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# That I'm no fool

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# That I'm no fool

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# I'm just upside down

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# Just upside down

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# Ain't got no cares

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# Ain't got no cares

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# I ain't got no rules

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# Ain't got no rules

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# I think I like

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# I think I like

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# Living upside down

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# Living upside down

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# Watching people scurry by

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# Rushing to and fro

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# Oh, this world is such a crazy place

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# It's all about the go, go, go

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# Sometimes life can taste so sweet

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# When you slow it down

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# You start to see the world a little differently

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# When you turn it upside down

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# I don't care

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# I'm halfway there

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# Nowhere

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# And I'm just soaking up the magic in the air

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# I tell you what

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# I tell you what

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# What I have found... #

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Come on. CHUCKLES

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# That I'm no fool

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# That I'm no fool

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# I'm just upside down

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# Just upside down

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# Ain't got no cares

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# Ain't got no cares

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# I ain't got no rules

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# Ain't got no rules

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# I think I like

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# I think I like

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# Living upside down

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# Living upside down... #

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Hi.

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What?

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Hello, Ryan. I'm Nancy.

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What's this? Why...

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Has it... What's your...

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Hey...

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It's too much, I think.

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That's funny, look at that.

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It's Ryan, right? Isn't it? It's Ryan...

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I mean, not as in Ryan Wright.

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Like, your name's not Ryan Wright.

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Though you could be. You could be Mr Ryan Wright.

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You could be Mr Right. CHUCKLES

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Either way you're the right Ryan for me.

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Oh, my God.

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You can do this.

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You just put yourself out there.

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See what happens.

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Just don't drink too much.

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SCOFFS

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Good. And you're going.

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You're going. You're gone.

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# ..I think I like

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# I think I like

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# Living upside down

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# Living upside down. #

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DOOR CLOSES

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Fuck it.

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JODIE FOSTER: There is a very, very nice beach.

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Terns nest there. It's beautiful.

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ANTHONY HOPKINS: Terns?

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If I help you, Clarice, it will be "turns" with us, too.

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Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things.

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SHE MOUTHS ALONG Not about this case, though - about yourself. Quid pro quo.

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Yes or no?

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KNOCK AT DOOR Yes or no, Clarice?

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Poor little Catherine is waiting... TV OFF

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Hi. Hi.

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Room service. Yes. Right this way.

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Lovely. Yes. Great.

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There, lovely. Hmm...

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OK? So, tell me, Andrew...

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Can I call you Andy? Of course, yeah.

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How is the party going on downstairs?

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Going pretty well, I think. Is it?

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Yeah. Um, you know there's food down there?

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Yeah, I know. I'm just not really

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in the party mood tonight. PHONE RINGS

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Do you have any ketchup, Andy, please? Hello?

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Who's Andy?

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A very nice young man who's just brought me dinner.

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You're not at the party?

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I'm not at THE party but I'm at A party.

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Hannibal and Clarice are here. Not to mention Andy.

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But he's just leaving.

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No, all right. Put him on, please.

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Andy. My sister would like to speak to you.

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Sorry. Thank you.

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CLEARS THROAT Hello?

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Hi, hi, Andy. I'm Elaine. Listen.

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There'll be a dress hanging up somewhere. Can you give it to her?

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Ah, yeah. OK.

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No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

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No. No. Andy.

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And tell her to put some make-up on.

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She wants you to put some make-up on. OK. That's enough.

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Andy, do you have a napkin or something, please?

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Look, Elaine, I've been ambushed. Some setup with a guy

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that Katie worked with. Well, excellent. This is good.

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Come on! It's just all so organised and awkward and I can't bear it.

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I know, but how the hell else are you going to meet someone?

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Well, I've met Andy.

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Oh, he's leaving. He didn't like that.

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Could you put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on, please, Andy?

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No, don't do it, Andy. Take her with you!

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Ah, you're yelling. DOOR CLOSES

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Look, you've gone all the way there.

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Just put your dress on. Just pop down, show your face.

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Stay, like, ten minutes. The party's themed, Elaine.

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Oh, God, really? Get your notepad.

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No, please. Come on, I'm too old for this shit.

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You're 34, not 84.

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SIGHS Come on, let's hear those mantras.

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CLEARS THROAT

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Put yourself out there. Good.

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Take chances. OK, now a little less hollow and robotic.

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Get stronger thighs.

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CHATTER FROM PARTY

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Be more deviant.

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Learn French. Cook more.

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Understand the Israeli-Palestinian conflict better.

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Engage with...

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LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER

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..life.

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Finally! Nearly sent out a search party.

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Call them off.

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Here y'are, have a mojito. First one's free. OK, well... All right.

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Paid for them all with my savings and now I have no savings.

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CHUCKLES Aw. Happy engagement.

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I got you, literally, a small present.

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I am so touched that you thought of me when you raided the mini-bar.

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SQUEALS

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Wow. Here she is, here she is.

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Oh, Nancy, you look amazing!

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Cheers. He's gonna love her. Come on.

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I need just a moment longer with my mojito and then I can jump in.

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He hates Facebook. He loves yoga.

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He's really creative... Oh, good, yeah.

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He is perfect for you. I knew you'd say that.

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Oh, come on. All right, all right.

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We were set up and look at us now.

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Dom, it is like your single years have been completely wiped from your memory.

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I mean, do you remember that one girl who just cried?

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She cried all the way through giving you a blow job. She was weeping.

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MIMICS CHOKING AND WEEPING

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CHUCKLES So sad.

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And look at you now.

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And look at you both. Yeah, really special.

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Come on, Nance, give him a chance. Yeah, I will. Bring it on.

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You know, like me, another sad single loser in their mid-30s, right?

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No. I'm actually a sad single loser in my late 30s.

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Hey!

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ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY

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He was right there.

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I was crying with happiness.

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Oh, um... Sorry.

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Ryan. 37.

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Nancy. 34.

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Sorry, my hand's a bit wet. It's not wee.

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Right. It's mojito.

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I mean, I didn't think it was wee.

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Yeah, why would it be wee?

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That would imply very poor personal hygiene.

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I mean, I don't wipe with my hand.

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I use toilet paper just like everyone else does.

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Well, that's a relief. Hm.

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So is wee in a way, if you think about it.

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BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY

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Hm...

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Hm...

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NANCY HUMS QUIETLY

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Oh, how about another drink? Yeah, that would be great. Yeah.

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Let me get these. Oh, no, it's fine.

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No, it's all right. No, no, seriously.

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OK, you can get them. You get them?

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I'll get them, shall I? Great, cheers. Thank you.

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Ah... Busted.

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You've got a picture of your ex in the old wallet.

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Oh, no, that's my sister.

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Oh. She's very pretty.

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I bet she gets all "ze boyz".

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She's dead.

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Wow. It's going so well.

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No, Elaine, I've got pictures of my cats in my wallet

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and they're alive and kicking

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and I want people to ask me about them.

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Well, it's good that you went. Why is it good?

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It's just so excruciating and predictable, just as it always is.

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I'm just gonna let my vagina hermetically seal up.

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Yeah, well, that will really help. Never hurt Barbie.

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MOUTH FULL: She's got a beach buggy and horses and a salon.

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And a boyfriend.

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Is she still with that guy? I mean, such a fake smile.

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LAUGHS

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How long are you gonna be? Get your arse over here pronto.

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We have a lot of nibbles to put into a lot of bowls.

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About two hours.

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PA: Just a reminder to all passengers

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that due to the weekend engineering work,

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no trains are currently stopping at Clapham Junction.

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About seven hours. What the fuck?!

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I'm joking. Not funny.

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I can't do this on my own. Hello.

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And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

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Mum's obsessed. And you've done your speech?

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I've got a rough draft.

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You haven't. You've done a lot of doodles and crossing out.

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I mean, as if. Come on.

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You know Dad loves it when you do a speech.

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So it needs to be good and special. OK?

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Fine.

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Oh, and Nancy? Yeah?

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Don't seal up just yet. It'll happen. I promise.

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Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.

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Oh.

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Black...

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pant...

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..wash.

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Sorry.

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I couldn't help overhearing.

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You should really think about reading this.

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Right. Right, right, right, right.

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Did it, then? Did it what?

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Change your life. Oh, um...

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Maybe. Yeah. But maybe not, as well?

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Well, I like to give everything a go, because otherwise what's the point?

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You've got to hope it's going to work, haven't you? Because what is life without hope?

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Death. Death it is, then.

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LAUGHS You see, you do need to read it.

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I would lend you my copy but I need it for my date.

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Why do you need a book for a date? It's how we're going to recognise each other.

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Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

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They often work if the matchmaker has done their homework.

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All successful relationships are based on whether you're both outdoorsy types...

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I think you should read it. Don't need to.

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It was an international best-seller. So was The Da Vinci Code.

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Another excellent book. Not an excellent book.

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I think it's what you need. Why is everyone always telling me what I need?

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Perhaps if they're always telling you, you should listen.

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I think you need to shh. You need to shh your mouth.

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You want me to shh? I do, yeah. It would be great.

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I'm only suggest... It's time.

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I think... I think we're done.

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PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

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we are now arriving at our final destination, London Waterloo.

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Sorry. Excuse me. I say.

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Ow. Shit.

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NANCY GROANS

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BARRIER BEEPS

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What? BARRIER BEEPS

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Cheers.

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Where the fuck are you? Blimey, I'm not that late, am I?

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Sorry, somebody threw themselves on the track again.

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I don't blame them, there's so many delays. LAUGHS

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Hey, what a great way for us to recognise each other. What a great idea.

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Although I think it would have been hard to miss you underneath that huge clock.

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Oh, no, no, no. I...

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What do we do in terms of saying hello? I never know where to pitch it.

0:14:280:14:31

Is it a handshake? Is it a hug? Is it formal?

0:14:310:14:33

You know what, we're adults. Let's just go in... Too soon for that?

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Hello, there. PHONE RINGS

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Oh, my God, that's not your emergency exit phone call already?

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I haven't had a chance to use any of my best lines yet.

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That wasn't one of them, if you were worried.

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Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

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Hello, caller. Yes, we have met.

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I am not a complete psychopath and we've really hit it off.

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She will call you later with all the gory details.

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So thank you for calling and goodbye. There, done.

0:14:560:14:59

All right! So, book, check. And clock, check.

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And blind date. Check!

0:15:030:15:06

Usually in this situation, I would say something and you'd say something back.

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And then we'd talk about what we're gonna do and exchange ideas.

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You know, sort of "quid pro quo, Clarice."

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HE LAUGHS

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In hindsight, that wasn't the best impression to do on a first date

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because it... it brings to mind... Anyway, I'm talking a lot

0:15:260:15:30

and I know you can sense it. So I'm gonna just keep going with it

0:15:300:15:32

and I'm gonna start the bidding

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with a drink on London's fashionable South Bank.

0:15:340:15:37

So, as the book says, what are you waiting for?

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I am waiting for you.

0:15:440:15:48

Good. Good. Yeah.

0:15:480:15:50

OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

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I'm not a knight. SHE CHUCKLES

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Yeah, let's do it. We'll go out this way...

0:15:560:15:58

What do you think? Good stuff for the first few hours?

0:16:080:16:11

Descending in quality as we do.

0:16:110:16:13

I'd go quality and quantity, Bert. It's a massive night.

0:16:130:16:16

You're right. We bloody deserve it.

0:16:160:16:19

Let's go mental.

0:16:190:16:21

Seriously, you do deserve it. I mean, I don't know how you've done it.

0:16:210:16:25

Not that I don't intend to go the whole distance myself, obviously.

0:16:250:16:28

I think the trick is, get through the first 30, 40 years,

0:16:280:16:32

then just kind of give up. From that point on, it's a breeze.

0:16:320:16:35

No, I mean it. How are we getting on?

0:16:350:16:37

We are nailing it. That's great.

0:16:370:16:39

You can put about half those lagers back, Adam.

0:16:390:16:42

What did Nancy say, what does she want to drink?

0:16:420:16:44

I'm not sure if she's... BERT: She wants vodka.

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The only spirit she can out-drink me on. We'll see about that later.

0:16:460:16:49

No, we won't.

0:16:490:16:51

Guys, she didn't even answer the phone. Some man did. I think she's on a date.

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The man from last night? I thought that didn't work out.

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It didn't. It was a disaster.

0:16:570:16:59

He was in love with his sister. Who answered the phone, then?

0:16:590:17:01

Dad, I don't know. He said he wasn't a psychopath.

0:17:010:17:04

Well, that sounds encouraging.

0:17:040:17:06

We're having a party. She's on a date. I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

0:17:060:17:09

Bert! If he's not a psychopath.

0:17:090:17:11

Did he sound like a wine drinker or more of a beer man?

0:17:110:17:14

Bert!

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What? I'm just getting some more wine. Course you are.

0:17:150:17:18

The good host is prepared for all eventualities.

0:17:180:17:20

Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

0:17:200:17:22

Fran, you walk straight past that offer.

0:17:220:17:25

So, what's going on? Is Nancy OK?

0:17:250:17:29

Yes. Yes, Mum, she's fine. She's just...

0:17:290:17:32

He's really looking forward to her speech. I know.

0:17:320:17:34

So she is coming? Yes, of course she's coming.

0:17:340:17:38

Look, do you want me to write a few words? You know, just in case.

0:17:380:17:43

Not really, darling, no.

0:17:430:17:45

Oh, God. That is horrible.

0:17:450:17:48

I'm sorry.

0:17:480:17:49

I'll give her a call, then. Yes, please do, darling. OK.

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HE BREATHES DEEPLY

0:18:070:18:10

You OK? You seem a bit freaked out. Do I?

0:18:100:18:12

Yeah. PHONE RINGS

0:18:120:18:13

Gosh. Sorry, just a bit of a first-date no-no...

0:18:130:18:16

HIS PHONE RINGS Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

0:18:160:18:19

Oh, it's Tom. Oh.

0:18:190:18:21

Hey, buddy.

0:18:210:18:23

Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

0:18:230:18:26

Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

0:18:260:18:28

Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her? All right.

0:18:280:18:31

We will.

0:18:330:18:34

Yeah. OK, Tom. Yeah, I'm gonna hang up now.

0:18:350:18:39

Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

0:18:390:18:41

He thought we hadn't met up. As if.

0:18:420:18:45

Shall we switch these things off? Yeah. OK, cool. OK, good.

0:18:450:18:49

Right. So, Jessica.

0:18:490:18:51

So...

0:18:510:18:53

Tom says that you work in the City. I do, yeah. That's what I do.

0:18:530:18:56

Is that a stressful job? Ah, no.

0:18:560:18:59

"Lunch is for wimps." BOTH LAUGH

0:18:590:19:01

Sorry.

0:19:010:19:02

No, no, it's from Wall Street. Yeah.

0:19:020:19:04

"If you need a friend, get a dog." I love that movie.

0:19:040:19:08

You do? Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

0:19:080:19:10

And you are a...? I'm an online marketing manager.

0:19:100:19:13

I love online marketing managing.

0:19:130:19:16

What I really wanna do is paint.

0:19:170:19:20

I don't wanna be an online marketing manager forever

0:19:200:19:22

because, you know, the bots are taking over!

0:19:220:19:25

They're gonna be managing all the marketing in the future.

0:19:250:19:29

It's like "help". Exactly, yeah. Um...

0:19:290:19:33

I'm a bit nervous, to be honest. Really?

0:19:330:19:35

Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. I'm not used to all this sort of dating chat.

0:19:350:19:40

Although, you know, I had a few reservations about today,

0:19:400:19:44

but I just thought, "You know what, Jack? I trust Tom."

0:19:440:19:47

Jack. He's not gonna set me up with somebody who I've nothing in common with.

0:19:470:19:52

And he's a good friend, right? Who, Tom?

0:19:520:19:54

Yeah. Yeah, I'd take a bullet for him.

0:19:540:19:56

Yeah. So, shall we get a beer or something?

0:19:560:19:59

There's one of those pop-up bars. Sure, that'll be great.

0:19:590:20:02

They appear out of nowhere, then they're gone the next day.

0:20:020:20:05

You think, this can't be our favourite place because it'll be gone in the morning.

0:20:050:20:08

Can we get two Red Stripes? That'd be great.

0:20:080:20:11

So... So...

0:20:110:20:13

Where are you on the old, you know, the relationship...

0:20:130:20:16

the spectrum of relationships?

0:20:160:20:18

It's my mime for relationships. That's good. Right.

0:20:180:20:22

Well, I guess long-term-wise, it's...

0:20:220:20:25

It's been a while.

0:20:250:20:27

Since Pete, right? Since Pete.

0:20:270:20:29

Tom told me. Massive cock.

0:20:290:20:31

Really? Huge.

0:20:310:20:32

It wasn't that big... What he did to you.

0:20:320:20:34

..a deal. Unforgivable.

0:20:340:20:35

I know how it feels. I had it done to me, you know.

0:20:350:20:37

Affairs, eh? Who'd have 'em? Yeah...

0:20:370:20:40

They would. They would.

0:20:400:20:41

The other people would.

0:20:410:20:43

So where are you on the...spectrum?

0:20:430:20:46

On the spectrum? I think recently, I've had a few one-night stands.

0:20:460:20:50

You know, just girls I've met at work

0:20:500:20:53

and in bars and just, like, on the street.

0:20:530:20:56

But this is my first real date really since the D-word.

0:20:580:21:03

Dead sister? Sorry?

0:21:030:21:05

Just something I say before I drink. Dead sister.

0:21:050:21:08

Dead sister.

0:21:080:21:09

But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage put me off relationships for good.

0:21:090:21:12

Divorce.

0:21:120:21:14

You be thankful that you and Pete didn't get hitched.

0:21:140:21:16

It gets a lot more complicated when you have to figure out who gets the flat.

0:21:160:21:20

Winner.

0:21:200:21:23

I did. Yeah.

0:21:230:21:25

I got big home-improvement plans. I'm gonna do up our...my flat.

0:21:250:21:29

Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

0:21:290:21:31

Anyway, let's not talk about that. It's just bad juju.

0:21:310:21:34

And I'm so over it. Yeah, you really sound it.

0:21:340:21:36

It's in the past. What does it say in Six Billion People And You?

0:21:360:21:40

F... Fuck the past. Fuck the past, yeah.

0:21:400:21:42

If that book has taught me anything, it's taught me that.

0:21:420:21:46

So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

0:21:460:21:48

Hm-hmm. Do you have to train a lot for that?

0:21:490:21:52

Yeah, I've just got to regularly carb up.

0:21:520:21:54

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

0:21:540:21:56

Go on, then. I don't mind. I've actually worked out today...

0:21:560:21:59

I work out every day. I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

0:21:590:22:02

Whoa! Whoa!

0:22:040:22:05

This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy any of my friends with kids.

0:22:050:22:09

Are they here now? Hell, no.

0:22:090:22:11

They're at home just lying in wait for the next nappy change.

0:22:110:22:15

Not that I don't want kids.

0:22:150:22:16

I'm 40. They're not all gonna be swimming in the right direction forever.

0:22:160:22:19

But just not right now. I should probably get a girlfriend first.

0:22:190:22:23

I definitely want kids. I'm just not freaking out about it yet.

0:22:230:22:28

I mean, why would you? You're 24.

0:22:280:22:30

D'you wanna get out of here? It is fucking freezing

0:22:320:22:35

and I know a really fun place just over the river.

0:22:350:22:39

We can get shots and maybe hang out a bit more if you feel like it.

0:22:390:22:43

Yeah, I'd love that. OK.

0:22:430:22:46

This is gonna be fun. Yeah. What is it?

0:22:490:22:53

It's like a cantina.

0:22:530:22:55

It's a bit cheesy but you can have slammers and...

0:22:550:22:57

Oh, wow. Arriba!

0:23:010:23:03

Hey, man. Hey, man. How's it going?

0:23:040:23:06

Are you a regular here? Well, define "regular". What is it?

0:23:060:23:10

Hi, Jack. Hey, Helen, how's it going?

0:23:100:23:12

Oh, so you...

0:23:120:23:13

Ah! Snap.

0:23:130:23:14

We're swapping, right? Swapping?

0:23:140:23:16

For the genius Six Billion ways to get to know you list that you suggested.

0:23:160:23:20

Is that your one? Mine's at the front. OK...

0:23:200:23:22

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Hm...

0:23:220:23:25

Let's have a look, shall we? OK, then.

0:23:250:23:27

Shall I read yours first? "Put yourself out there."

0:23:270:23:30

"Take chances."

0:23:320:23:33

"Black pant wash." It's a band.

0:23:340:23:38

Are they new? Yeah, they're new.

0:23:380:23:40

They're... They're fresh. Very young. They're my favourite band.

0:23:400:23:43

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

0:23:430:23:47

"Get stronger thighs."

0:23:470:23:49

Hey, this is spooky. I also love spaghetti bolognese.

0:23:490:23:52

What are the chances of that?

0:23:520:23:54

Like none chances. I know. That's the lists done.

0:23:540:23:57

Yeah! And didn't they go well?

0:23:570:23:59

Really great. That was...

0:23:590:24:01

Look, let me get this. No, I should get it.

0:24:010:24:03

Please, let me. OK. I'll get the next ones.

0:24:030:24:06

Oh, my God. Who are they? Who, what?

0:24:060:24:09

These guys. Oh, this is Slash and Axl.

0:24:090:24:13

Oh.

0:24:130:24:14

Paradise Kitties.

0:24:140:24:15

I blew it, sorry. That was no good. Er...

0:24:170:24:20

Jack. I've got a confession to make and I'm just gonna...

0:24:220:24:26

So have I. ..come out with it. You have?

0:24:260:24:28

I have, yeah. Let me go first. I... OK.

0:24:280:24:32

I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

0:24:320:24:35

I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you, because honesty is very important...

0:24:350:24:39

Yes, I agree.

0:24:390:24:40

These lists are great and they're a brilliant ice-breaker,

0:24:400:24:43

but you don't really believe that just because we both like spag bol,

0:24:430:24:47

we're gonna wind up together forever, right?

0:24:470:24:49

Depends on the spag bol. Might be a really good spag bol.

0:24:490:24:53

But right now, whatever happens tonight, wherever we end up,

0:24:530:24:57

I'm having a really good time getting to know you.

0:24:570:24:59

And you're being really patient with me, so thank you for that.

0:24:590:25:03

And I don't know why I brought you here.

0:25:030:25:05

It was a stupid idea and I think we should...

0:25:050:25:08

Let's do something different. Let's go someplace else.

0:25:080:25:11

Tom said you liked bowling. I love bowling.

0:25:110:25:14

OK, so shall we have a couple more and then hit the lanes?

0:25:140:25:17

OK.

0:25:210:25:22

MUSIC: Shoot First by The Jim Jones Revue

0:25:240:25:26

# Well, you can live any way you want

0:25:320:25:34

# But you're sure gonna find out soon

0:25:360:25:40

# When profession ain't what you got

0:25:400:25:42

# Soon be singing another tune, hey!

0:25:440:25:48

# Shoot first

0:25:510:25:53

# Ask questions later

0:25:550:25:57

# Shoot first

0:25:590:26:01

# Ask questions later

0:26:030:26:06

# It don't matter who you are

0:26:060:26:09

# What you got or looking for

0:26:090:26:11

# You better get yourself out of the dark

0:26:110:26:14

# Shoot first

0:26:140:26:16

# Ask questions later. #

0:26:180:26:20

Who said blind dates don't work? Right? Am I right? Yeah.

0:26:260:26:30

I'm gonna go get us a drink. OK.

0:26:300:26:32

Nancy? Yeah?

0:26:390:26:41

It's Nancy Patterson.

0:26:410:26:43

Do we know each other? Sean. Sean Bellamy.

0:26:430:26:46

Class 5G, St Andrew's Comprehensive. '88 to '93.

0:26:470:26:51

I sat next to you in chemistry for five years.

0:26:510:26:53

I gave you that Valentine's card in Year 9.

0:26:530:26:55

You tore it up in front of everyone.

0:26:550:26:56

Your mum ran me over that time. Oh, God. Yes, I do remember.

0:26:560:27:00

HE LAUGHS Shh.

0:27:000:27:01

Erm, sorry about that. Oh, God, don't worry.

0:27:010:27:03

Glued it back together. It was only about 57 pieces.

0:27:030:27:06

I meant about the car.

0:27:060:27:07

But you were so... Fat. Yes.

0:27:070:27:09

Yeah. That was me, big fat Sean.

0:27:090:27:12

Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom-Boom.

0:27:120:27:13

Now you're very... Yeah, I went on the 5:2 diet.

0:27:130:27:16

Five days on chocolate Nesquik. And two days strawberry Nesquik.

0:27:160:27:19

Oh, OK. I lost it all from here and from here.

0:27:190:27:22

But luckily not from here.

0:27:220:27:25

Could I just have two beers, please? Hell, yeah.

0:27:250:27:28

It's Nancy fucking Patterson. LAUGHS

0:27:290:27:32

Shush.

0:27:320:27:33

Wow!

0:27:340:27:36

Hey... Hey.

0:27:380:27:40

These are on me. OK.

0:27:400:27:42

So good to see you.

0:27:420:27:44

Thank you.

0:27:440:27:45

OK, cheers.

0:27:470:27:49

Ah. Flirting with the barman, I see. What? No.

0:27:520:27:55

Not at all, no. I was, like, "Whoa, competition."

0:27:550:27:58

No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous person you'll meet.

0:27:580:28:01

Oh, God, me, too, yeah.

0:28:010:28:02

So,

0:28:020:28:03

let's ramp this up a bit.

0:28:030:28:05

Not that I'm competitive.

0:28:050:28:07

Nancy.

0:28:080:28:10

Brought you some nachos. On the house.

0:28:100:28:12

I've got a wheat allergy... No, you don't.

0:28:120:28:14

CHUCKLES

0:28:140:28:15

You remember this?

0:28:150:28:18

What is it? Where'd you get that? In my wallet.

0:28:180:28:21

Who took it? I did.

0:28:210:28:23

That's my bedroom. I don't remember you ever being in my bedroom.

0:28:230:28:25

I wasn't in your bedroom, silly. I was outside. In a tree.

0:28:250:28:28

Jessica, watch and weep. OK.

0:28:280:28:31

Why is he calling you Jessica? You're called Nancy.

0:28:310:28:35

You're Nancy Patterson. Sean, I'm in a bit of a situation here.

0:28:350:28:38

SNIFFS Oh, you still use Pantene Pro-V.

0:28:380:28:40

That guy is not my boyfriend. He's actually not even my date.

0:28:400:28:43

I sort of stole him from underneath the clock at Waterloo

0:28:430:28:46

and I'm pretending to be the girl he's supposed to be on a date with.

0:28:460:28:49

So it's a bit... I don't know. Kinky.

0:28:490:28:51

Hey, there.

0:28:510:28:53

How's it going? I'm Jack. And I am Sean.

0:28:530:28:57

He's Sean. There it is.

0:28:570:28:58

So you guys know each other? Not really, we just went to school together.

0:28:580:29:02

Yeah, we're old friends. We're old, old, old friends.

0:29:020:29:05

We used to have a bit of a thing going on.

0:29:050:29:08

Good for you. It was.

0:29:080:29:10

It really wasn't that good.

0:29:100:29:12

You never forget your first.

0:29:120:29:13

Lovely to see you after all these years.

0:29:130:29:15

We'll take it from here. Hang on, Jessica.

0:29:150:29:18

Hey. What are you doing?

0:29:180:29:21

It would appear that I finally have you over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

0:29:210:29:24

Indeed, you are clearly not the girl you used to be once.

0:29:240:29:28

Cool and confident. Now, stealing other women's dates from under clocks.

0:29:280:29:32

You're working as a barman in a novelty bowling alley so...

0:29:320:29:35

Just as Mr Armstrong predicted. Who's that?

0:29:350:29:37

Our careers advisor at St Andrew's. Do you not remember anything?

0:29:370:29:41

No. Because I remember everything. Nancy!

0:29:410:29:44

Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who...might actually have some potential

0:29:440:29:49

and not in just that he's a really good bowler-type way.

0:29:490:29:52

So don't ruin it for me. All right? Just be cool.

0:29:520:29:54

OK, I will. Yeah?

0:29:540:29:56

Uh-huh. If you give me a blow job. You what?

0:29:560:30:00

Take it or leave it. Are you out of your fucking mind?

0:30:000:30:03

Come on, wouldn't hurt. Just a tiny little blow job.

0:30:030:30:06

SMACKS LIPS

0:30:060:30:08

And then I won't dismantle your web of deceit, Little Miss...Muffet.

0:30:080:30:12

Not gonna give you a blow job, so... Hand job? No. Pearl necklace?

0:30:120:30:16

Sean. Kiss? Please. Come on. Stop. Stop it. Stop it.

0:30:160:30:18

I just want to fulfil a lifelong ambition.

0:30:180:30:20

OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

0:30:200:30:23

With tongues? No tongues.

0:30:230:30:25

Oh! But in the toilets. Yeah, in the toilets.

0:30:250:30:27

And it has to be tonight.

0:30:270:30:29

Otherwise I won't find you again because you have no online presence.

0:30:290:30:32

Can I go now? Yes.

0:30:320:30:33

But I'll be watching you. I don't doubt that.

0:30:330:30:36

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

0:30:380:30:41

It's fine, they're fine.

0:30:410:30:43

Everyone'll just get drunk and shove them down.

0:30:430:30:46

They will. Yeah?

0:30:460:30:48

Look.

0:30:480:30:49

Ooh, blimey, they're hot. Any word from Nancy?

0:30:490:30:52

Not... Not exactly.

0:30:520:30:54

Oh, no. No, no.

0:30:540:30:56

But in her defence, she does have a very good reason for her tardiness.

0:30:560:30:59

And she's right, Fran.

0:30:590:31:01

And who knows, maybe today will end up being not just our anniversary.

0:31:010:31:07

Imagine that, Mum.

0:31:070:31:09

Oh, my God, who would you worry about then?

0:31:090:31:11

Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

0:31:110:31:13

What? Where? Christ. What is this now?

0:31:130:31:15

It's hummus.

0:31:150:31:17

Take it off. Off, off, off.

0:31:170:31:19

DOORBELL RINGS Guests.

0:31:210:31:23

Go get 'em, parents. Bert, shift your arse.

0:31:230:31:26

I'm going!

0:31:260:31:27

FRAN: Marion, you made it!

0:31:270:31:29

I feel... I just feel like... I feel hustled.

0:31:290:31:32

Because I won? Are you not used to that?

0:31:320:31:34

I'm not really used to losing at bowling.

0:31:340:31:38

Oh, can't I keep them?

0:31:380:31:40

You honestly think it's the first time he's heard that?

0:31:400:31:43

They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

0:31:430:31:46

Let's not forget this. Keep you nice and warm.

0:31:460:31:48

Are you saving that for later? What?

0:31:510:31:53

Got a bit of jalapeno in your teeth.

0:31:530:31:56

You've just got a little bit of spinach or something jammed in.

0:31:560:31:59

No, it's still there. It's...

0:31:590:32:02

Oh, my God. It's a good one.

0:32:020:32:04

OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

0:32:040:32:06

No, it's still wedged in. I'm just gonna nip to the ladies.

0:32:060:32:09

I'll just stay here and I'll think about what we can get up to next.

0:32:090:32:14

BOTH LAUGH

0:32:140:32:16

OK...

0:32:160:32:18

I'll just go in there and think about what we can get up to next.

0:32:180:32:22

OK.

0:32:220:32:23

Nice.

0:32:390:32:40

What do you want to get up to next?

0:32:430:32:45

Because I know what I wanna get up to next.

0:32:450:32:48

I saw you were about to leave so I took my break early.

0:32:490:32:52

Fucking hell, Sean! Leaving? I wasn't leav...

0:32:520:32:55

Er, bye.

0:32:570:32:58

Fine. I'll put my clothes back on and have a quick word with Jack about Jessica.

0:32:580:33:02

GROANS

0:33:020:33:03

So,

0:33:050:33:06

where do you wanna land those luscious lips?

0:33:060:33:09

BREATHES HEAVILY

0:33:090:33:10

INHALES, CLEARS THROAT

0:33:100:33:13

OK, we're gonna keep the door open. Now you're talking.

0:33:130:33:16

Right, let's just...

0:33:160:33:18

OK...

0:33:190:33:21

Sean... # Move closer

0:33:210:33:24

# Move your body real close... # I'd prefer you didn't sing that.

0:33:250:33:28

Will you hold my face? Why?

0:33:280:33:29

It'll make it more romantic.

0:33:290:33:31

I don't think this could be any more romantic.

0:33:310:33:33

HE WHINES

0:33:330:33:34

No, we said no tongues. We said no... Hey!

0:33:340:33:36

Jessica?

0:33:360:33:38

Oh, hey, man. Jack.

0:33:380:33:39

You'd been gone a while so I thought I'd come and find you.

0:33:390:33:42

What's happening here is definitely not what you think. I think I'm just gonna leave.

0:33:420:33:45

No, wait. Please, let me explain. Please, you don't have to.

0:33:450:33:48

I thought we had a connection but you still have something for Sean.

0:33:480:33:51

I'm gonna leave you to whatever fucking weird shit...

0:33:510:33:53

Jack, Jack, Jack. Just slide it on down to chills-ville.

0:33:530:33:56

Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

0:33:560:33:59

Who's Nancy? Why is he calling you Nancy?

0:33:590:34:01

Why? It was my other pet name for her.

0:34:010:34:04

After Nancy Reagan. Nancy Sinatra.

0:34:040:34:07

Sinatra. No, Nancy Reagan.

0:34:070:34:08

I'm gonna go. OK, wait, hang on.

0:34:080:34:09

Wait, Jack, let me just tell you the truth because...

0:34:090:34:12

now is as good a time as any just to confess.

0:34:120:34:14

Confess what?

0:34:140:34:16

The reason Sean called me Nancy was because I'm not called Jessica

0:34:160:34:20

and the reason I'm not called Jessica is because I'm not actually Jessica.

0:34:200:34:24

She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson. LAUGHS

0:34:240:34:27

Thank you, Sean. Can you put your clothes back on and leave? Please.

0:34:270:34:31

What about my kiss? Out. No. Jog on. Out!

0:34:310:34:33

Anyway, look, I was in here with him

0:34:350:34:38

because he said he wouldn't tell you who I really was if I kissed him.

0:34:380:34:41

The truth is, I'm not really your blind date.

0:34:410:34:43

You thought I was, what with the book, the clock and the quid pro quo.

0:34:430:34:47

So you're saying you're not the girl that I was supposed to meet earlier?

0:34:470:34:51

No. What?!

0:34:510:34:52

I know! It sounds a bit mad. But don't think of it as mad.

0:34:520:34:55

Think of it as impulsive.

0:34:550:34:58

What kind of person stands underneath a clock

0:34:580:35:00

waiting to steal someone's date? I wasn't waiting.

0:35:000:35:02

It's not stealing in the conventional sense of the word.

0:35:020:35:05

That girl gave me her book so that's why you thought I was her.

0:35:050:35:07

No, I thought you were her because you said you were.

0:35:070:35:10

Did I actually say that?

0:35:100:35:12

When were you thinking of telling me about this bizarre decision?

0:35:120:35:15

There wasn't actually a plan. I'm sure there wasn't a plan.

0:35:150:35:18

Because who would have a plan for that? Something so fucked up?

0:35:180:35:21

I think people have done worse things in the world.

0:35:210:35:24

I'm racking my brains. That girl wasn't even right for you.

0:35:240:35:27

We'll never know. I'll never meet her because you stole her.

0:35:270:35:31

I was merely trying to meet my mate in the modern world.

0:35:310:35:34

Who are you? I'm Nancy Patterson. Hello.

0:35:340:35:38

Are you even a triathlete? That's the next thing you ask?

0:35:380:35:41

And where's Jessica? I don't know. Probably gone home by now.

0:35:410:35:44

Past her bedtime. Are you even 24?

0:35:440:35:46

Aw. Add another ten. What?

0:35:460:35:49

Fuck you, Granddad. Not in six billion years.

0:35:490:35:53

OK, that was uncalled for. That was uncalled for?

0:35:530:35:55

Yeah. Do you know what's uncalled for?

0:35:550:35:57

Derailing my date.

0:35:570:35:59

OK. GIRLS LAUGH

0:35:590:36:00

Laugh it up, girls. I am your future. Just so you know.

0:36:000:36:03

34! 40!

0:36:030:36:05

I think you're overreacting a bit. Really?

0:36:050:36:08

Yeah, I do. How would you feel, Nancy,

0:36:080:36:09

if you'd been set up with someone who's supposed to be perfect for you

0:36:090:36:12

and some psycho pretends to be them instead?

0:36:120:36:14

Setups never work. Tom said we matched.

0:36:140:36:17

Please, she reads self-help books and The Da Vinci Code.

0:36:170:36:20

She works in the City. What does that even mean?

0:36:200:36:23

When people say that?

0:36:230:36:24

It means she is a high-flying 24-year-old businesswoman...

0:36:240:36:27

24. You love that word. It's your favourite word.

0:36:270:36:30

Isn't that just the classic response of the lonely 34-year-old woman

0:36:300:36:33

desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

0:36:330:36:35

At least I'm nearly at my sexual peak. It's all downhill for you.

0:36:350:36:37

Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

0:36:370:36:40

The bitter look really suits you.

0:36:400:36:41

It doesn't surprise me that Pete slept around.

0:36:410:36:43

Hang on a sec. Oh, oh, oh! There is no Pete!

0:36:430:36:46

And there is no wife because she left you.

0:36:460:36:48

Here's your theory. You think, "I'm so wounded and rejected."

0:36:480:36:51

"Please, help me, younger woman, who's nearly half my age."

0:36:510:36:54

This is coming from someone who had to steal someone else's date

0:36:540:36:57

to even get one.

0:36:570:36:58

At least I'm not walking around like I'm bloody catch of the century.

0:36:580:37:01

Look at me with my own flat and my online marketing management job.

0:37:010:37:05

But what I really want to do is paint.

0:37:050:37:07

I am gonna paint. OK? Sure you are.

0:37:070:37:10

Thank you very much, it was lovely not getting to know you

0:37:100:37:12

and congratulations on your massive pack of lies.

0:37:120:37:15

Where's my bag? That was all there was on the ticket.

0:37:150:37:19

Where's my bag? How should I know?

0:37:190:37:21

Why have I got your notepad?

0:37:210:37:22

Oh, f... Oh, my God, we've left my bag at the cantina.

0:37:220:37:25

Your bag, not mine. How many tequilas have you had?

0:37:250:37:28

My divorce papers are in there. Ooh, sexy.

0:37:280:37:30

I came from the lawyers, all right? Ooh, sexier.

0:37:300:37:32

Your divorce papers... and my notepad with my speech!

0:37:320:37:36

What speech?

0:37:360:37:38

It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary tonight.

0:37:380:37:41

It just gets better. Not only do you steal somebody else's blind date,

0:37:410:37:44

you stand up your parents on one of the most important milestones of their life.

0:37:440:37:48

You really, really need to consider your motivations for doing things

0:37:480:37:51

and not doing things.

0:37:510:37:53

I'm gonna get my speech. Whatever. Taxi!

0:37:530:37:55

Hey, what are you doing? Calling a cab so I can go to the bar.

0:37:550:37:59

It's a ten-minute walk. No, it's not, it's 20 minutes.

0:37:590:38:01

It's ten minutes! You seem awfully confident, Nancy.

0:38:010:38:04

Because it's a fact, Jack. Oh, it's a fact?

0:38:040:38:06

Is it a fact? Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

0:38:060:38:09

Great. Here's a good idea.

0:38:090:38:11

Why don't you run, swim and cycle

0:38:110:38:12

to the bar and we'll see who gets there first?

0:38:120:38:14

What? You don't even know what a triathlon is.

0:38:140:38:17

Yes, I do. You do, do you?

0:38:170:38:18

Yeah. Well, ready, steady...

0:38:180:38:20

..go!

0:38:220:38:24

Get stronger thighs!

0:38:270:38:30

Come on, come on, come on!

0:38:300:38:32

CHUCKLES VICTORIOUSLY

0:38:360:38:38

Bye. Twat! Shit!

0:38:380:38:41

CHUCKLES

0:38:420:38:43

CAR HORN What?

0:38:470:38:48

No.

0:38:520:38:53

ROWDY CHATTER

0:38:530:38:54

Shit.

0:38:540:38:56

Excuse me. Why so many feathers?

0:38:560:38:58

Shit!

0:39:030:39:04

Hey. Sir. Kind person.

0:39:080:39:11

Come on, come on, come on.

0:39:150:39:16

Excuse me! Coming through.

0:39:210:39:23

Just go further up. It's on the left.

0:39:230:39:25

Mind your back! MAN SHOUTS

0:39:260:39:27

In your 40-year-old face!

0:39:360:39:38

I thought you weren't competitive. I thought you weren't competitive.

0:39:380:39:41

You all right?

0:39:430:39:45

It's a tactical puke.

0:39:460:39:48

It better be in there. Of course it will.

0:39:480:39:50

LOUD CHATTER AND MUSIC

0:39:500:39:52

Hey, you want some more tequila? BOTH: No!

0:39:540:39:56

Is his man-bag here? It's a satchel, OK.

0:39:560:39:58

I'm not used to carrying it. All right, I'll go check.

0:39:580:40:02

Where are you going? Toilet.

0:40:020:40:04

You gonna meet somebody? No, so you don't need to follow me in there.

0:40:040:40:06

I have no intention of doing that again.

0:40:060:40:08

Fuck!

0:40:180:40:19

COUGHS

0:40:300:40:32

LOUD CONVERSATION

0:40:370:40:40

PHONE VIBRATES

0:40:450:40:46

ANSWERPHONE: Hi, you've called Elaine.

0:40:510:40:53

Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

0:40:530:40:56

Nice one, Nancy.

0:41:120:41:14

Really, really nice.

0:41:140:41:16

It's great stuff.

0:41:190:41:20

Hey, you know. New mantra. CHUCKLES

0:41:240:41:28

Stop being such a loser.

0:41:280:41:31

How about that?

0:41:340:41:35

Er...

0:41:510:41:53

MUTTERS

0:42:060:42:08

EXHALES HEAVILY

0:42:110:42:12

Yay.

0:42:140:42:15

Do you even like bowling? I love bowling.

0:42:330:42:37

Great. So you weren't faking it the whole night, then?

0:42:370:42:40

Bet you've said that line before. SCOFFS

0:42:400:42:42

Look...

0:42:440:42:46

Look, I realise this is not my finest hour.

0:42:470:42:49

Oh, you don't say? Yeah. I know.

0:42:490:42:53

In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands was not the best decision

0:42:540:42:59

that I've made all evening.

0:42:590:43:00

You could've just told me the truth. I know and I was going to,

0:43:000:43:04

I really was, but then...

0:43:040:43:06

.."Jessica" was doing so well.

0:43:080:43:10

CLEARS THROAT One man-bag.

0:43:100:43:13

Thank you. Cheers.

0:43:130:43:15

LAUGHS

0:43:170:43:19

What? Black Pant Wash.

0:43:190:43:21

Funky.

0:43:240:43:25

Idiot.

0:43:290:43:30

Idiot.

0:43:310:43:33

WOMAN: Jack?

0:43:330:43:34

What are you doing here? I thought we agreed.

0:43:370:43:39

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

0:43:390:43:41

Hello, Jack. Fuck off, Ed.

0:43:410:43:42

I get this place between five and 10pm on a Saturday.

0:43:420:43:45

Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

0:43:450:43:47

I think we all know that you know that it's not on a Sunday.

0:43:470:43:50

Oh, how I miss that pissy little diary of yours.

0:43:500:43:53

Do you still put an "M" in it when it's moustache-dyeing week?

0:43:530:43:56

He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy, by the way. My girlfriend.

0:43:560:44:00

Nancy, this is Hilary, my soon-to-be ex-wife,

0:44:010:44:03

and Ed, the man she left me for.

0:44:030:44:05

Come on, Jack. Yeah, come on, silly me.

0:44:050:44:09

You know what? We're all in the same bar with our new partners.

0:44:090:44:12

Let's have a drink together. We're adults, aren't we?

0:44:120:44:15

We're mature, stable adults.

0:44:150:44:18

Come on. Have you got a table? Yeah.

0:44:180:44:20

Is it "our" table? Not any more.

0:44:200:44:23

Good! Even better. Lead the way.

0:44:230:44:25

Oh, my God. What is happening? Just go with it, darling.

0:44:250:44:29

Just go with it, Edward.

0:44:290:44:31

Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here.

0:44:320:44:33

That's why you brought me here earlier.

0:44:330:44:35

That is why I brought "Jessica" here, OK? Then I came to my senses and we left.

0:44:350:44:39

But then you left my bag here... You left your bag.

0:44:390:44:42

And then you came out of the toilets looking like... Hmm...

0:44:420:44:46

I just thought people have done worse things in the world

0:44:460:44:49

and you are very good at pretending to be people that you're not.

0:44:490:44:52

And you owe me, Nancy.

0:44:520:44:54

Hm.

0:44:550:44:56

HILARY LAUGHS

0:44:570:44:59

SIGHS OK.

0:45:010:45:03

What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

0:45:030:45:06

I believe they call it "closure".

0:45:070:45:09

LOUD CONVERSATION

0:45:120:45:14

Missed a call from Nancy. She's not even gonna make it for the speeches.

0:45:180:45:21

What the fuck do you think she's doing?

0:45:210:45:23

What you always tell her to do. Yeah, but not the greatest night to pick.

0:45:230:45:27

But she's being spontaneous.

0:45:270:45:29

Be spontaneous when there's nothing else planned.

0:45:290:45:32

Don't you think this is a bit...

0:45:320:45:34

I'm gonna see what's happened before I pass judgement.

0:45:340:45:36

Are you? Well, good for you.

0:45:360:45:38

Jesus, when has she ever done anything like this before?

0:45:380:45:41

Well, never, but... Pardon, what was that?

0:45:410:45:44

Never.

0:45:440:45:45

She's out there, somewhere, doing you proud, meeting a man.

0:45:450:45:48

Having a lovely time. Just like when we first met.

0:45:480:45:52

We met in a pub. But it was a lovely romantic pub.

0:45:520:45:55

It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

0:45:560:45:58

Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?

0:45:580:46:02

"Vodka and tonic, please." And I said?

0:46:020:46:05

"Pint or a half?"

0:46:060:46:08

What is the worst-case scenario?

0:46:110:46:13

We never see her again. All right, second worst?

0:46:130:46:16

Aw. CHUCKLES

0:46:240:46:26

You hungry? No.

0:46:290:46:30

Little snackette? No, don't need it.

0:46:300:46:32

So...

0:46:320:46:34

..how long have you two been seeing each other?

0:46:350:46:37

Not long. Not long at all.

0:46:370:46:39

How did you meet?

0:46:390:46:41

At work. At a party.

0:46:410:46:42

At a work party. At a party that worked.

0:46:420:46:44

So you're in online marketing, too?

0:46:440:46:46

MIMICS CHILDISHLY

0:46:460:46:48

No. I am a...

0:46:480:46:50

..firewoman. I'm a firewoman. SCOFFS

0:46:510:46:53

There was a fire. At his work party.

0:46:530:46:56

And then in our pants.

0:46:560:46:58

So, Hilary, what is it that you... What do you do for a living?

0:47:000:47:03

I'm an account manager at a leading PR firm.

0:47:030:47:05

Mind-blowing. And you, Ed?

0:47:050:47:07

I'm a merchant banker. Interesting fact.

0:47:070:47:09

"Merchant banker" is cockney rhyming slang for "wanker".

0:47:090:47:11

Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack.

0:47:110:47:13

It's a fact. I'm just saying. I'm not lying.

0:47:130:47:15

It's been a year. It's OK, Hil.

0:47:150:47:17

It's not the first time I've heard that one.

0:47:170:47:20

First time I've ever heard it. I'm unaffected by it, so...

0:47:200:47:22

And it's been more than a year, actually, Hilary. It's been 368 days.

0:47:220:47:27

Not that I'm crossing it off on my wall calendar of pain and deceit.

0:47:270:47:30

I need a piss.

0:47:300:47:33

Oh, fuck! Shit.

0:47:330:47:34

Oh, shit. Hey...

0:47:370:47:40

Hey, don't worry, Baby Cakes. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

0:47:400:47:45

He does this. It's kind of blackmail.

0:47:450:47:49

He's a very emotional man.

0:47:490:47:51

We're gonna need more nibbles, please. So...

0:47:530:47:57

question.

0:47:570:47:58

You two had an affair? We fell in love.

0:47:590:48:03

Yeah, but you had an affair?

0:48:030:48:05

The marriage was over anyway. But you had an affair?

0:48:050:48:08

Yeah. I guess he is just an emotional man.

0:48:110:48:14

Look, I'm sorry, Hilary.

0:48:160:48:17

The truth is... I missed you, Big Nuts.

0:48:170:48:20

KISSES, LAUGHS

0:48:200:48:21

So what rating are you two rabbits on now?

0:48:210:48:25

Rating? Yeah, sexually speaking?

0:48:250:48:28

Because Jack and I, God, we're still in porno land really.

0:48:280:48:31

CHOKES Porno land?

0:48:310:48:33

Hm-hmm. Shall I explain? Please do.

0:48:330:48:35

OK. You know when a woman first starts sleeping with a man,

0:48:350:48:38

she acts like she's a porn star.

0:48:380:48:39

Am I right? Jack and I, anything goes.

0:48:390:48:41

Church of Lesbyterian, dinner beneath the bridge, guided tour of site B,

0:48:410:48:45

if you know where that is. He knows.

0:48:450:48:46

Remember when you said we should and I was like, "I'm not gonna do that."

0:48:460:48:49

You said, "Go on, try it." Did I?

0:48:490:48:51

And I was just thinking, "I'm actually quite scared," because I couldn't see.

0:48:510:48:55

Then, God, you flipped it. And all of a sudden...

0:48:550:48:57

God, I felt like, "Please don't stop."

0:48:570:49:00

"Jack, please don't stop. Don't stop, Jack. Do what you do, Jack."

0:49:000:49:04

"Thank you, Jack. I love your work, Jack."

0:49:040:49:06

And you lot are like, "Wow, our sex life is always gonna be like a porn film."

0:49:060:49:10

Six months in, the ladies, we drop it down to an 18,

0:49:100:49:13

and then a 15, maybe a quick 69 but only if we've just had a bath.

0:49:130:49:17

And then suddenly, whoa, we're a PG-13 wearing tartan pyjamas to bed

0:49:170:49:22

doing the goodnight rollover before you can say "missionary position".

0:49:220:49:25

That is a brilliant theory.

0:49:270:49:29

Thank you. But do you know what, Jack? I really feel

0:49:290:49:33

like we're gonna be in porno land for a lot longer than usual.

0:49:330:49:36

I have a theory, too. Yeah? What is it?

0:49:380:49:40

If you get a woman back to your place and you say you don't wanna have sex,

0:49:400:49:44

you just wanna take it slowly, I guarantee she will go down on you.

0:49:440:49:49

The Blow Job Paradox. Blow Job Paradox!

0:49:490:49:52

Yeah! "Use it, don't abuse it." If divorce papers were honest,

0:49:520:49:55

they wouldn't say "irreconcilable differences".

0:49:550:49:58

They'd say "not enough blow jobs". Not enough blow jobs!

0:49:580:50:00

Like, get down there, fix it.

0:50:000:50:02

Sorry to interrupt. Did you get a chance to sign those papers?

0:50:020:50:06

Yes, I did, actually, Hilary. In fact, coincidentally, I have them with me.

0:50:080:50:13

Although, stupid Jack, I signed them with a pen.

0:50:130:50:16

You'd probably prefer it if I did it with my own blood.

0:50:160:50:19

Hey, this is our song. We should dance. It's very special. Isn't that mad?

0:50:210:50:26

Don't fucking touch me.

0:50:260:50:28

Yay. What are you doing?

0:50:280:50:30

Stopping you from making a twat of yourself

0:50:300:50:32

by using the medium of dance. Hello.

0:50:320:50:33

I'm gonna slow-dance you into submission, OK?

0:50:330:50:36

You'll need to put your arms around my waist for it to work properly. Good.

0:50:360:50:40

I'm such a dick. You're not. You're not a dick.

0:50:400:50:42

It's always better to be the one that's dumped.

0:50:420:50:45

You never regret anything. She made the decision.

0:50:450:50:48

She's gotta live with that for the rest of her life.

0:50:480:50:50

It's not as simple as that, is it? But it will be. It just takes time.

0:50:500:50:53

Your hands are slipping down my arse. Sorry. Old habit.

0:50:530:50:58

Everybody knew they were doing it. Nobody told me.

0:50:580:51:01

It's rough. I'll admit it's rough.

0:51:010:51:03

I was really traditional about

0:51:030:51:04

the whole "don't sleep around when you're married" thing.

0:51:040:51:07

Hands-arse. That's right.

0:51:070:51:09

I bet you proposed on the top of a Tuscan hill.

0:51:090:51:12

Cephalonian, actually.

0:51:120:51:13

Spent a year planning your big day.

0:51:130:51:15

Yeah. Twenty grand, all in? Bit more.

0:51:150:51:17

Let's not forget about the ring. It was four grand.

0:51:170:51:19

And we had to get it resized because she got awfully thin.

0:51:190:51:22

You spent ?24,000 on a party and some jewellery?

0:51:220:51:25

It was a grand gesture.

0:51:250:51:26

What's the point of life if you're not up for stuff like that?

0:51:260:51:29

A grand gesture that amounted to nothing. Hands-arse.

0:51:290:51:33

God, you're such a fucking cynic. And you're such a fucking romantic.

0:51:330:51:36

MUSIC: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran

0:51:360:51:38

# ..fle-fle-fle-fle-flex...

0:51:380:51:40

You put so much emphasis on that one day and forget about the rest of your life.

0:51:400:51:45

What's wrong with having a big day? Look at your parents.

0:51:450:51:48

I bet they had a party and guests and a wishing tree.

0:51:480:51:50

Six guests. Local registry office. Drinks at the pub afterwards.

0:51:500:51:54

They decided it was more important

0:51:540:51:55

to concentrate on the promises they were making.

0:51:550:51:58

Don't you think that's what I wanted?

0:51:580:52:00

When you get married, you make a promise you can't keep,

0:52:000:52:02

but, by God, I was gonna try, and I'll never regret that.

0:52:020:52:05

Which is more than you can say,

0:52:050:52:06

sat up there on your single perch with all your judgements.

0:52:060:52:09

# Why-y-y-y-y don't you use it

0:52:090:52:13

# Try-y-y-y-y not to bruise it

0:52:130:52:17

# Buy-y-y-y-y time, don't lose it... #

0:52:170:52:20

They're not judgements, they're theories.

0:52:200:52:22

Very different things. Whatever.

0:52:220:52:24

# The reflex is an only child

0:52:240:52:28

# Just waiting by the park

0:52:280:52:31

# The reflex is in charge of finding

0:52:310:52:35

# Treasure in the dark

0:52:350:52:38

# And watching over lucky clover

0:52:380:52:42

# Isn't that bizarre?

0:52:420:52:46

# Every little thing the reflex does

0:52:460:52:49

# Leaves you answered with a question mark... #

0:52:490:52:53

You know your problem, Nancy? What?

0:52:530:52:55

You spend your entire time on the sidelines theorising about what works,

0:52:550:52:58

but never putting yourself out there. You never take chances.

0:52:580:53:01

I think my actions today could be considered quite "chancy".

0:53:010:53:04

Oh, really? Yeah.

0:53:040:53:05

You need to man up. I married that woman and she tore out my heart

0:53:050:53:10

but I'm still standing. I'm still putting myself out there.

0:53:100:53:13

And who are you to say that my marriage was doomed from the start?

0:53:130:53:15

Who are you to say that the girl I met tonight,

0:53:150:53:17

the girl I was supposed to meet tonight, wasn't the girl of my dreams?

0:53:170:53:21

You need to let me get on with my sad single-man life crisis

0:53:210:53:24

and keep your cynical wisecracks and theories to yourself. OK?

0:53:240:53:28

# Why-y-y-y W-w-why-y-y

0:53:300:53:32

# Why-y-y-y W-w-why-y-y-y... #

0:53:330:53:36

Hi. Sorry. I'm not looking.

0:53:430:53:47

Just...looking for Jack.

0:53:470:53:50

Jack, are you in here? TEARFUL: No.

0:53:500:53:54

Come on.

0:53:540:53:55

Just go to your party, Nancy, I'm fine.

0:53:550:53:57

You're fine? Yeah, I'm really fucking fine.

0:53:570:54:01

Occupied!

0:54:020:54:03

Sorry. You didn't lock. Didn't lock.

0:54:030:54:06

Hi.

0:54:160:54:17

I was hoping for the pants-and-socks look.

0:54:170:54:19

LAUGHS

0:54:190:54:21

Nice place you've got. It's really cosy.

0:54:300:54:33

Sorry.

0:54:440:54:45

I've had a bad relationship run over the past few years

0:54:460:54:51

and so it's made me not the most positive person.

0:54:510:54:55

I overanalyse and I...

0:54:570:54:59

..come up with elaborate theories and make monumentally bad decisions and...

0:55:000:55:05

I've gotta move on, you know, that's all.

0:55:050:55:09

She's out there, she's happy.

0:55:090:55:11

She's getting on with her life and I'm...

0:55:110:55:13

I'm just holding on. OK.

0:55:140:55:16

A - I wouldn't say "happy", exactly.

0:55:180:55:22

And secondly, I mean, you're not holding on to her.

0:55:220:55:26

You're holding on to a feeling

0:55:260:55:28

and that feeling will eventually pass. Promise.

0:55:280:55:32

I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

0:55:320:55:35

Maybe dating 24-year-olds is exactly what you need right now.

0:55:350:55:39

You've changed your tune. Well, unlike...

0:55:390:55:43

the older lady, they do have less baggage.

0:55:430:55:47

I mean, shit, I'm way over my baggage allowance.

0:55:480:55:51

I'm four years single. Four fucking years.

0:55:510:55:54

Prior to that, I had six years with the supposed love of my life,

0:55:550:56:00

when, out of the blue, he ended it and then he...

0:56:000:56:04

He said he wanted to go to China to find himself.

0:56:040:56:07

Then he found himself shacked up in Shepherd's Bush

0:56:070:56:09

with some other girl six months later.

0:56:090:56:11

I'm over it, obviously, but I just... Yeah, you really sound it.

0:56:110:56:14

Apart from one thing.

0:56:160:56:18

One thing that, honestly, I'm not sure that I can ever get over.

0:56:180:56:21

What?

0:56:210:56:23

He...

0:56:230:56:24

He de-authorised me from his iTunes.

0:56:250:56:28

GASPS

0:56:280:56:29

What? That is unforgivable.

0:56:290:56:32

It is. It is, actually.

0:56:320:56:35

So, what do you really do for a living?

0:56:360:56:40

I'm a journalist. Yeah.

0:56:400:56:42

Slash wannabe literary polymath.

0:56:420:56:45

That figures. You got good theories. Oh, you like them now?

0:56:450:56:49

I wouldn't listen to me, though,

0:56:490:56:51

because I'm not exactly the poster child for the dating industry.

0:56:510:56:54

Really? I'm 40, divorced and crying in a toilet.

0:56:540:56:57

You're just...

0:56:590:57:01

You're an emotional jigsaw at the moment

0:57:020:57:04

but you're gonna piece yourself back together.

0:57:040:57:07

You know, start with the corners. Look for the blue bits.

0:57:070:57:10

And where do I find these "blue bits"?

0:57:120:57:16

MAN: Took me three years to get over my ex.

0:57:210:57:24

Jungian therapy. Two hours every day. Six weeks.

0:57:240:57:29

I burnt her clothes. Twice.

0:57:290:57:32

I'm not saying that her porn star theory is correct.

0:57:320:57:34

But you did blow job paradox me?

0:57:340:57:36

Hey. Where did you two get to?

0:57:360:57:38

Probably 69-ing in the toilets, no doubt.

0:57:380:57:41

Who's up for a shot? Come on, let's all do some shots.

0:57:410:57:44

I think I've had enough to drink. We're just gonna head off.

0:57:440:57:47

Nonsense. It's a seminal night so we should mark it somehow.

0:57:470:57:50

Four sambucas, please.

0:57:500:57:51

You look like you've been crying.

0:57:510:57:54

Actually, I was crying. With laughter.

0:57:540:57:56

Have you ever tried to do it in a cubicle that small?

0:57:560:57:58

I think I left my knickers in there.

0:57:580:58:01

She does not need to know the real reason for your tears.

0:58:010:58:04

Did you wanna leave your knickers in there?

0:58:040:58:06

Focus, Jack.

0:58:060:58:07

Repeat after me.

0:58:090:58:11

"After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on."

0:58:110:58:14

After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on.

0:58:140:58:18

Fuck the past. Fuck the past.

0:58:180:58:20

YELLS Sorry.

0:58:230:58:26

Oh, my God. Do something!

0:58:260:58:28

You're a fireman, put the fucking fire out!

0:58:280:58:30

Here. You take it. Jesus!

0:58:300:58:32

SCREAMS

0:58:330:58:35

JACK LAUGHS

0:58:360:58:38

NANCY AND JACK LAUGH

0:58:380:58:41

That is what I call closure.

0:58:410:58:43

I mean, that's the dictionary definition right there.

0:58:430:58:45

Denial, depression, acceptance.

0:58:450:58:48

Fire. Fire.

0:58:480:58:50

HE LAUGHS What?

0:58:530:58:54

All right, what is next?

0:58:540:58:56

OK, what's the time? It is ten o'clock.

0:58:560:58:59

Is it? Oh, shit. I should check in at home, really.

0:58:590:59:02

Yeah, I'd better...

0:59:020:59:04

PHONE CHIMES

0:59:040:59:05

PHONE CHIMES

0:59:070:59:09

So, I think I'd better finally head to my folks' anniversary party

0:59:090:59:13

but I was just... PHONE CHIMES

0:59:130:59:14

This is a crazy idea but I was just thinking,

0:59:140:59:16

would you want to join...? Sorry.

0:59:160:59:18

Just because it might be nice to not go alone for a change and if you...

0:59:180:59:23

Oh, my God, she has called and texted, like, a lot.

0:59:230:59:27

Who has? Jessica.

0:59:270:59:29

Jessica? She said she spoke to Tom and there's obviously been

0:59:290:59:32

some sort of misunderstanding and she still wants to meet up.

0:59:320:59:35

Even though you stood her up? What? Is she a loser?

0:59:350:59:37

Technically, you stood her up, actually.

0:59:370:59:40

She's young so she's not a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

0:59:400:59:44

Your 24-year-old obsession, isn't it?

0:59:440:59:46

You said I should keep it simple.

0:59:460:59:48

When? Like, half an hour ago in the toilet.

0:59:480:59:51

So, what is your theory on this one?

0:59:520:59:54

My theory? Yeah, I wanna hear it. What's the...

0:59:540:59:58

Is it "boy meets girl" or "boy doesn't meet girl"?

0:59:581:00:01

CHUCKLES I mean...

1:00:011:00:04

Come on, this is when you tell me what to do

1:00:041:00:06

and then we argue and then...

1:00:061:00:08

You know, it's a bit of back and forth and then eventually...

1:00:081:00:11

Oh, wait. What for?

1:00:111:00:14

All night you've had all these theories and opinions

1:00:141:00:17

and suddenly you've got nothing to say?

1:00:171:00:18

What do you want? Do you want my permission or something?

1:00:181:00:21

No, not at all. OK, well, then I think you should meet Jessica.

1:00:211:00:25

Yeah, but that's not... What are you waiting for, right?

1:00:251:00:28

What am I...? Yeah. I don't know what I'm waiting for.

1:00:281:00:32

Fine, OK, I'll meet Jessica.

1:00:321:00:33

OK. Great. OK.

1:00:331:00:35

Are you meeting her here or...

1:00:351:00:37

Yeah. Yes, there it is. LAUGHS

1:00:371:00:39

OK. That's where the...

1:00:391:00:41

You can give her this back, then.

1:00:411:00:43

No, she bought another one. Course she did.

1:00:431:00:46

I haven't really read it, to be honest. Have you not?

1:00:471:00:49

Maybe we should have.

1:00:491:00:50

So, um...

1:00:521:00:54

Is that everything? Yeah.

1:00:551:00:57

So sorry for derailing your date.

1:00:581:01:01

I'm glad you did, because otherwise I'd have nothing to talk about on the next one.

1:01:011:01:06

It is a good anecdote. I'll probably use it in future myself.

1:01:061:01:09

So, well, look after yourself...

1:01:091:01:11

It's what I do best. OK, and...

1:01:111:01:14

Bye. Bye.

1:01:141:01:15

I'll Facebook you. Not on Facebook.

1:01:241:01:27

Idiot. Idiot.

1:01:271:01:30

Idiot.

1:01:341:01:36

Idiot.

1:01:361:01:37

What kind of nutter pretends to be someone else's blind date?

1:02:241:02:28

I know. It's...

1:02:281:02:30

Although it does prove what a publishing sensation Six Billion has been.

1:02:301:02:33

Yeah.

1:02:331:02:34

Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and we shall start again.

1:02:341:02:38

Cheers.

1:02:381:02:40

Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty. I did a lot of walking today.

1:02:461:02:50

LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

1:02:501:02:52

So, Jessica, I hear you work in the City.

1:02:521:02:54

Correct. And I love it. "Lunch is for wimps."

1:02:541:02:57

It's from Wall Street. From the film.

1:02:591:03:02

"If you need a friend, get a dog."

1:03:021:03:05

Oh, is that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio?

1:03:051:03:08

Er, no.

1:03:081:03:09

Um, so listen, Tom told me that you are a triathlete.

1:03:091:03:13

LOUD CONVERSATION

1:03:131:03:15

Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

1:03:191:03:21

All right? Yep.

1:03:211:03:23

Attention!

1:03:231:03:25

FRENCH: Attention.

1:03:251:03:27

Attenzione.

1:03:271:03:28

Oi! Come on.

1:03:281:03:29

Adam, thank you.

1:03:291:03:31

Well, here we all are.

1:03:331:03:35

I had rather hoped that our youngest daughter, Nancy,

1:03:351:03:39

would have been here to do the speech.

1:03:391:03:41

But, er, she's been a little delayed.

1:03:411:03:44

So it falls to myself...

1:03:461:03:50

to find a few choice words.

1:03:501:03:53

CHEERING

1:03:531:03:56

But, I mean, seriously...

1:03:561:03:59

what's left for us to say to each other after 40 years?

1:03:591:04:02

"Take the fucking recycling out."

1:04:021:04:05

LAUGHTER

1:04:051:04:06

Still as foul-mouthed as the day I met her.

1:04:061:04:10

And still as beautiful.

1:04:101:04:12

ALL: Aw!

1:04:121:04:13

And although I doubt that we have another 40 years ahead of us...

1:04:131:04:18

Bloody hope not. LAUGHTER

1:04:181:04:20

..or we will ever agree...

1:04:201:04:23

that you can park on a double yellow line on a Sunday...

1:04:231:04:26

But you can, actually. FRAN: Whose side are you on?

1:04:261:04:28

..or she will ever fully trust me with the big weekly shop...

1:04:281:04:32

Not a hope in hell.

1:04:321:04:34

..but here's to spending...

1:04:341:04:37

..whatever years we have left together.

1:04:381:04:42

ALL: Aw.

1:04:421:04:43

Franny...

1:04:431:04:44

..I am an empty shell on the beach without you.

1:04:451:04:49

Oh, that's good.

1:04:491:04:50

I am a laundry disaster waiting to happen.

1:04:501:04:54

LAUGHTER

1:04:541:04:57

I am an old pear...

1:04:571:04:59

left to soften in the fruit bowl.

1:04:591:05:04

Oh, here she is.

1:05:041:05:05

CHEERING

1:05:051:05:07

Nancy!

1:05:071:05:08

So sorry I'm late. But I remembered the chocolate mousse.

1:05:081:05:12

CHEERING

1:05:121:05:14

WOMAN: Oh...

1:05:151:05:17

What is it, darling? What is it? What's up?

1:05:171:05:20

What's the matter? It's OK.

1:05:201:05:22

BERT: Oh...

1:05:221:05:23

Come on, tell us, what's the matter, darling?

1:05:231:05:26

I got a lot of big home-improvement plans.

1:05:271:05:30

Do up my flat. I'm gonna paint my hallway.

1:05:301:05:32

Yes, Tom said that you were a bit of an artiste.

1:05:321:05:35

Yeah, I, you know... I dabble.

1:05:351:05:37

No, I don't dabble. Who am I trying to kid?

1:05:371:05:40

I got an A in art at A level.

1:05:421:05:43

I don't remember what I got in my A levels.

1:05:431:05:47

I'm kidding you. I'm not that old.

1:05:471:05:49

I got two Bs and a C, so.

1:05:491:05:51

No, I didn't. I got two Cs and a B.

1:05:511:05:54

Anyway, I passed them all, so...

1:05:541:05:56

Well done. Thank you.

1:05:561:05:59

Anyway, I'm so glad that you're a fan of Six Billion People And You as well.

1:05:591:06:04

And I'm so sorry that I was late to meet you.

1:06:041:06:06

But, actually, the reason that I had to buy another copy

1:06:061:06:08

was because I left my copy for this woman on the train

1:06:081:06:11

and she so needed to read it. She was a very unhappy soul.

1:06:111:06:16

You know, one of those sort of "lost hope", "clock ticking" kind of women.

1:06:161:06:20

Anyway, shall we do the lists? Yes, the lists, the lists.

1:06:211:06:25

SHE CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY

1:06:251:06:28

I can't wait to see what your favourite food is.

1:06:281:06:31

Ready?

1:06:391:06:40

I am so sorry about this.

1:06:431:06:45

What are you talking about? This is amazing.

1:06:451:06:47

If I hadn't left her that book... It's like the most epic love story ever.

1:06:471:06:51

And it means that I was right and she was wrong. Taxi!

1:06:511:06:54

Where to? Shit, I have no idea.

1:06:581:07:00

Just call her.

1:07:001:07:02

I don't have her number. I have your number.

1:07:021:07:04

What's her name? Nancy. Nancy Patterson.

1:07:041:07:06

Look her up on Facebook. She's not on Facebook.

1:07:061:07:08

LAUGHS Don't be ridiculous.

1:07:081:07:10

Everyone's connected. You'll have some mutual friends or something.

1:07:101:07:14

You bloody genius.

1:07:141:07:16

Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, please.

1:07:161:07:18

Good luck with the triathleting. Thank you, Jessica!

1:07:181:07:21

Sean... Is that my scarf? Where's Nancy?

1:07:321:07:34

That's what I need to talk to you about. I have to find her and I think she's at her parents'.

1:07:341:07:38

Do you know where they live?

1:07:381:07:39

I know the exact Google Map coordinates.

1:07:401:07:43

KEYS JANGLE

1:07:451:07:47

Holy... You know what, Sean? I'd be quite happy to take the train.

1:07:521:07:57

What's your plan? What's my plan?

1:07:571:08:00

To win her heart.

1:08:001:08:02

This isn't a power ballad. Well, it should be.

1:08:021:08:04

Grand romantic gestures. That's what it's all about.

1:08:041:08:07

Declarations. Heart on the line. Life-changing kind of stuff.

1:08:071:08:11

That's what I was going for back there in the toilets.

1:08:111:08:14

Actions, you know. More than words.

1:08:141:08:18

Jesus!

1:08:181:08:20

Taught myself to drive with just my left hand.

1:08:241:08:28

Pretty useful, I can tell you.

1:08:281:08:30

Are we here? Yep, we're here.

1:08:411:08:43

OK, OK, OK. Um...

1:08:431:08:46

Oh, what number is it? 74.

1:08:461:08:50

Go, go, go! Bon chance, mon amigo.

1:08:501:08:53

ENGINE REVS Whoo!

1:08:531:08:54

TYRES SCREECH, ENGINE PURRS

1:08:541:08:56

Idiot, idiot, idiot...

1:08:571:08:59

I should have just said...

1:08:591:09:01

MUMBLES: "Don't go, come with me to the party."

1:09:011:09:03

I can't hear her.

1:09:031:09:04

Go easy, Nancy, cos it is a partition wall.

1:09:041:09:07

Something about a party? This party?

1:09:071:09:09

And I was gonna bring him here and everything.

1:09:091:09:12

The man on the phone?

1:09:121:09:13

The strange man you were on a date with?

1:09:131:09:15

You should have. Didn't go well?

1:09:151:09:17

No, it did go really well.

1:09:171:09:18

ALL CHEER

1:09:181:09:20

Oh, no, it's not a good thing. Boo, boo.

1:09:211:09:23

Come on, my lovely, just tell us what happened.

1:09:271:09:29

OK. INHALES

1:09:291:09:30

DOORBELL RINGS

1:09:301:09:31

I'll get that. OK. So...

1:09:311:09:34

What are you doing here? Is Nancy here?

1:09:381:09:40

Are you the strip-o-gram?

1:09:401:09:42

What? No, I'm not. What are you...?

1:09:421:09:44

Nancy, I had to come and find you. How did you...?

1:09:441:09:47

I couldn't just leave it like that. Oh, my God. Nancy, is this...

1:09:471:09:51

Oh, that's marvellous. We've got a chair for you.

1:09:511:09:53

A chair? For me? Yeah.

1:09:531:09:55

Oh, that sounds lovely. Hello, nice to see you.

1:09:551:09:58

ALL GREET HIM

1:09:581:10:00

We've got a lot of people here. Oh, party time. Hello, everybody.

1:10:001:10:03

Hello, I'm Sean. Ooh, strawberries. Favourite!

1:10:031:10:06

I loves me strawberries.

1:10:061:10:08

No.

1:10:081:10:09

LOUD MUSIC, CHATTER

1:10:091:10:11

Everybody, everyone!

1:10:131:10:15

Everybody, everybody!

1:10:151:10:16

This is... It's Jack!

1:10:161:10:18

He's looking for... Who are you looking for again?

1:10:181:10:21

Nancy. Is this a 40th party?

1:10:211:10:23

Nancy! Nancy, are you here?

1:10:231:10:26

I'm Nancy. I'm Nancy.

1:10:261:10:28

ALL: I'm Nancy!

1:10:281:10:32

No, no, no, no, no, you're not. None of you are Nancy.

1:10:321:10:35

Nancy is 34, not 15 or whatever.

1:10:351:10:37

There's a girl being sick in the sink. This is terrible.

1:10:371:10:40

Come here, sweetheart. Let it all out. There you go.

1:10:401:10:44

Listen, Nancy is...she's got very cool hair and a lovely face and...

1:10:441:10:49

Come on, please. Nancy Patterson.

1:10:491:10:51

Anybody help me with Nancy Patterson?

1:10:511:10:53

PEOPLE SHOUT "NANCY"

1:10:531:10:54

Wait! Nancy Patterson?

1:10:541:10:55

Yes! She used to be my old baby-sitter.

1:10:551:10:58

Can you take me to her? Yes, I can.

1:10:581:11:01

CHEERING Yes!

1:11:011:11:02

Thank you! Thank you very much.

1:11:021:11:04

Oh, we're all going, are we? OK.

1:11:041:11:07

ALL CHANT "NANCY"

1:11:071:11:09

MUSIC: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

1:11:091:11:13

# Cos here I go again on my own

1:11:151:11:18

# Going down the only road I've ever known

1:11:191:11:23

# Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

1:11:241:11:28

# And I've made up my mind

1:11:301:11:33

# I ain't wasting no more time

1:11:351:11:38

# I'm just another heart in need of rescue

1:11:401:11:43

# Waiting on love's sweet charity

1:11:461:11:48

# And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days

1:11:501:11:54

# Cos I know what it means

1:11:561:11:59

# To walk along the lonely street of dreams

1:12:001:12:04

# And here I go again on my own

1:12:051:12:09

# Going down the only road I've ever known

1:12:101:12:14

# Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

1:12:151:12:19

# And I've made up my mind

1:12:211:12:24

# I ain't wasting no more time

1:12:261:12:29

# But here I go again

1:12:291:12:32

# Here I go! #

1:12:341:12:38

CHATTER

1:12:411:12:43

Ladies and gentlemen,

1:12:461:12:48

your attention, please.

1:12:481:12:51

I'm just...just gonna say a few words. Uh...

1:12:531:12:56

Uh, I actually had something prepared but...

1:12:571:13:01

I lost it. It's kind of a long story...

1:13:011:13:04

Actually, do you know what? I'm just gonna tell you,

1:13:041:13:06

cos it's actually the reason I was so late

1:13:061:13:08

and the reason why this speech is gonna be so rubbish.

1:13:081:13:10

LAUGHTER

1:13:101:13:12

I met a man today.

1:13:121:13:14

Hello. No, not this man.

1:13:141:13:17

I was standing underneath the clock at Waterloo Station

1:13:171:13:19

when a man called Jack

1:13:191:13:21

mistook me for his blind date

1:13:211:13:24

and instead of just saying,

1:13:241:13:26

"Hey, you got the wrong girl," like a normal person, um...

1:13:261:13:30

..I thought it was a good idea to just pretend that I was his date.

1:13:311:13:35

GASPS: No, you didn't?

1:13:351:13:37

I did. I did. But, but... LAUGHTER

1:13:371:13:40

You know, we went out and, you know, for the first time in ages,

1:13:401:13:45

I put myself out there, and I took a chance,

1:13:451:13:48

and I even got stronger thighs.

1:13:481:13:50

Then Jack found out I wasn't who I said I was,

1:13:501:13:54

a 24-year-old triathlete by the way.

1:13:541:13:56

24? Yeah.

1:13:561:13:58

And so he went to go and meet his real blind date.

1:13:581:14:01

So blah, blah, blah, the end.

1:14:011:14:03

ALL GROAN

1:14:031:14:04

No, don't be sad. God, I'm not sad.

1:14:101:14:13

I'm a bit sad. SIGHS

1:14:131:14:16

Er, but I'm also quite proud of myself because I tried.

1:14:161:14:19

And, you know, no, it didn't work out, but...

1:14:191:14:23

I got a hint of what could be out there for me.

1:14:241:14:27

You know...

1:14:271:14:29

..a fun...

1:14:301:14:31

loving, crazy, contradictory,

1:14:311:14:36

long, happy life with someone.

1:14:361:14:38

Something that these two have had

1:14:381:14:40

since they first laid eyes on each other 40 years ago.

1:14:401:14:44

So, please...

1:14:441:14:45

..join me in toasting them and wishing them a very happy anniversary.

1:14:471:14:52

To my mum and dad. To Bert and Fran.

1:14:531:14:56

Mum and Dad. Bert and Fran.

1:14:561:14:59

Bert and Fran.

1:14:591:15:00

I liked that speech. I liked it a lot.

1:15:101:15:12

Cheers, Dad.

1:15:121:15:13

Much better than last year's. Yeah, that wasn't very...

1:15:131:15:17

Come here.

1:15:171:15:18

Stronger thighs. I'm so proud of you.

1:15:181:15:22

Cheers, Elaine.

1:15:221:15:23

Just keep on going, my darling.

1:15:231:15:25

You'll get there in the end. Thanks, Mummy.

1:15:251:15:27

So where's this Jack now?

1:15:271:15:29

BANGING AT WINDOW He's at the window.

1:15:291:15:32

ALL: Nancy!

1:15:321:15:34

Nancy, it's me. Nancy! Nanc...

1:15:341:15:37

I'm gonna... I'm coming in.

1:15:371:15:38

Sorry. Sorry.

1:15:431:15:45

Hey.

1:15:451:15:47

Nancy, I thought you might want your speech.

1:15:471:15:50

It's too late. I've...

1:15:511:15:53

No, do you want your speech, Nancy? Er... Yes.

1:15:531:15:57

OK, good. Just be quiet and let me give it to you, then.

1:15:571:16:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

1:16:001:16:03

ALL CHEER

1:16:031:16:05

..um, and friends and members of Nancy's family

1:16:051:16:08

who I've never met before in my life. This is...

1:16:081:16:12

I met a girl today, the wrong girl,

1:16:121:16:16

except she turned out to be the right girl.

1:16:161:16:19

And this girl, who took a chance on me

1:16:191:16:21

in the most bizarre and romantic way possible,

1:16:211:16:24

wanted me to take a chance on her, but, um...

1:16:241:16:28

I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it,

1:16:281:16:31

like a stupid 40-year-old, mid-life-crisis dickhead that I am.

1:16:311:16:35

Which is why I sought help from old beaus.

1:16:361:16:40

Yes, you... Not the most reliable of sources, really. Whatever.

1:16:401:16:44

But undeterred, I commandeered these brilliant young drunks,

1:16:441:16:48

because nothing was going to stop me from finding this girl

1:16:481:16:51

and telling her what I should have told her earlier on.

1:16:511:16:54

Nancy, I am so bloody glad you pretended to be my date today,

1:16:551:17:00

because, if you hadn't,

1:17:001:17:02

then I never would've heard any of your amazing sex theories

1:17:021:17:06

or...watched you trying to get jalapeno out of your teeth

1:17:061:17:11

or witnessed your very instinctive firewoman skills.

1:17:111:17:15

I would never have got to know that muddy, beautiful triathlete face

1:17:151:17:21

or witnessed that awesome, highly competitive arse

1:17:211:17:24

as you were about to get another strike.

1:17:241:17:26

In fact, if you hadn't have pretended to be my date today,

1:17:261:17:30

my day would have been utterly rubbish.

1:17:301:17:32

And so, quite possibly,

1:17:361:17:38

would have been the rest of my life. PEOPLE COO

1:17:381:17:40

Don't make those noises, I'm right on the edge.

1:17:401:17:42

Nancy, you said I was an emotional jigsaw

1:17:441:17:46

and that I should look for the blue bits.

1:17:461:17:48

I think you might be the blue bits, Nancy.

1:17:491:17:52

So what do you say?

1:17:521:17:55

Quid pro quo?

1:17:551:17:56

What does it say in Six Billion People And You?

1:18:041:18:07

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

1:18:071:18:09

BOTH: Fuck the past.

1:18:111:18:13

LAUGHTER ALL: Fuck the past!

1:18:131:18:17

Thank you. Excuse me.

1:18:171:18:19

CHEERING

1:18:251:18:27

Hands-arse. My hands aren't on your arse.

1:18:321:18:34

I know.

1:18:341:18:36

MUSIC: What Time Do You Call This? by Elbow

1:18:381:18:40

# Shrink with me Tower with me

1:18:401:18:43

# Wither with me Flower with me

1:18:431:18:47

# Endlessly follow me

1:18:471:18:51

# Chew me up and swallow me

1:18:511:18:54

# Stay at least for now with me

1:18:541:18:58

# Drink and dance and row with me

1:18:581:19:02

# Tell me when I go too far... #

1:19:021:19:05

I'll send you a photo, Sean.

1:19:071:19:11

Yes!

1:19:111:19:12

# ..Halt my ticker with those eyes... # SEAN: Bye!

1:19:131:19:17

# Weather every winter well

1:19:171:19:20

# Check my spelling, ring my bell

1:19:201:19:24

# Don't expect endless sex

1:19:241:19:28

# Check my spelling, wring my neck

1:19:281:19:31

# Separate me from my breath

1:19:311:19:35

# Kiss me nearly half to death... #

1:19:351:19:39

SNIFFS Mm!

1:19:431:19:45

# What time d'you call this? #

1:19:451:19:48

SEAN WHOOPS

1:19:521:19:53

# What time d'you call this?

1:19:531:19:56

# What time d'you call this?

1:20:001:20:04

# What time d'you call this?

1:20:071:20:11

# I've been craning bewildered

1:20:131:20:16

# All my days

1:20:161:20:22

# To now find your face

1:20:231:20:29

# Shining out of the crowd

1:20:291:20:34

# Love was just a word

1:20:371:20:41

# That friends didn't mention

1:20:431:20:48

# Cos love was just a joke

1:20:521:20:56

# Till it battered me senseless

1:20:581:21:03

# Oh, shrink with me Tower with me

1:21:071:21:11

# Wither with me Flower with me

1:21:111:21:15

# Endlessly follow me

1:21:151:21:19

# Chew me up and swallow me

1:21:191:21:22

# Stay at least for now with me

1:21:221:21:26

# Drink and dance and row with me

1:21:261:21:30

# Tell me when I go too far

1:21:301:21:33

# Stay precisely where you are

1:21:331:21:37

# Talk me out of all my lies... #

1:21:371:21:41

The latest of our Premier League commentaries for you this season,

1:21:451:21:48

the whole game in full here on 5 Live.

1:21:481:21:50

BUZZING

1:21:501:21:51

It's been a knockout day in the Premier League.

1:21:511:21:54

One of the most sensational Premier League games in history.

1:21:541:21:57

Absolutely vital goal!

1:21:571:21:59

Nancy, 34 years old and single, is travelling across London to toast another ten years of her parents' magical marriage. She runs into a 40-year-old divorce, Jack, who mistakes her for his blind date. Nancy decides to go with it and starts the most chaotic journey of her life.

A romantic comedy about taking chances, making decisions and rolling with the consequences.


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