What We Do in the Shadows


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What We Do in the Shadows

Comedy. Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav are vampires who are struggling with modern life - like paying their rent, trying to get into nightclubs, and overcoming flatmate conflicts.


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This film contains strong language and some violent scenes.

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ALARM BEEPS

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BANG

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ALARM STOPS

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'So it's 6pm in the night-time,

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'which is when I wake up.'

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This is always really scary part for me.

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Yes! Night-time.

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So, now I'm going to wake up my flatmates.

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'I really love living in a flatting situation.'

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Wake up!

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Wake up, everyone!

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'I like to hang out with other vampires.

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'I like the company.'

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Awaken!

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A-wakey, wakey!

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'I just really like having a good time with my friends.'

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Deacon...

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QUIETLY: Hi! Hey!

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Deacon... DEACON HISSES

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How was your night last night?

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I transformed into a dog and had sex.

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Cool!

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We're gonna have a little flat meeting in the kitchen

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in about 15 minutes, OK?

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-OK.

-OK.

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-Should I close this?

-Yes.

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Vladislav?!

0:02:240:02:25

ASSORTED MOANS, VLAD HISSES

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Sorry! Sorry!

0:02:270:02:29

What?

0:02:330:02:34

-Hey!

-What time is it?

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Um, we're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes.

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-20.

-OK...is there...?

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WHISPERS: So we're...

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..in Petyr's room.

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I'm just going to wake him up.

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HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT, STONE GRINDS

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SING-SONG VOICE: Petyr?

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Petyr?!

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Petyr, wake up.

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Hey, listen, we're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about ten minutes.

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You don't have to come but I thought

0:03:330:03:35

I'd extend an invitation to you, just in case.

0:03:350:03:38

Um....

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There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here, Petyr, and...

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like this seems, I don't...

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Ah, it's a spinal column, yuck!

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And I was thinking, maybe

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I just should bring a broom down here for you

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if you wanted to sweep up some of the skellingtons.

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I don't know. You know...

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PETYR HISSES OK.

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I got you this chicken.

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CHICKEN CRIES OUT, BONES BREAK

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Is Petyr coming?

0:04:060:04:08

-Should we be worried?

-Petyr's...

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..8,000 years old.

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We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.

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OK, so...

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Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities

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because, uh...guys,

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I think that we're not all pulling our weight here.

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We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.

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You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.

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Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.

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-No, that's not the point, though...

-Yeah, no, I know...

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It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.

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-I do my flat chores.

-No, you don't!

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-Yes, I do!

-No, that's why we're having the flat meeting.

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The point is, Deacon, that you have not done the dishes for five years.

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Vladislav is right. It's unacceptable to have

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so many bloody dishes all over this bench like that...

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I'm so embarrassed when people come over here!

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What does it matter?! You bring them over, you kill them!

0:04:520:04:55

Vampires don't do dishes.

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'Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.

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'He's always doing crazy things, saying crazy things.

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'He's just like the young bad boy of the group.'

0:05:040:05:08

OK, so...

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One day I was...

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..selling my wares

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and I walked passed this old, creepy castle.

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and I look at it and think...

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.."Very old and creepy."

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And then this creature

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flies at me!

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It dragged me back to this dark dungeon

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and bit into my neck.

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And just at the point of death...

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..this creature

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forced me to suck its foul blood.

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And then... it opened its wings, like this,

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and hovered above me,

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screeching.

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DEACON CACKLES

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"Now you are vampire."

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And it was Petyr.

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And we're still friends today.

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Vlad, you were great. You put out the recycling,

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which was really cool.

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And! The other day, I dragged man's body down the hallway,

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and noticed that there was no dust.

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Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.

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'Vladislav, is just like

0:06:120:06:14

'this older vampire who

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'grew up in the medieval times.

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'And, you know, to be living this long

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'and to have seen the things that he's seen

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'and still, like, kind of have it together,

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'I mean, hats off to him.'

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Bloody hell!

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Sorry!

0:06:310:06:32

'He's a really great guy,

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'a bit a of a pervert.

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'He has some pretty old ideas about things.'

0:06:360:06:39

We should get some slaves!

0:06:390:06:42

'When I first became a vampire...'

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..I was quite tyrannical.

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I was known for

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torturing a lot of people.

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OMINOUS MUSIC

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This is my torture chamber.

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I don't come in here often any more.

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I tended to torture when I was in a bad place.

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My thing was, I would poke someone

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with implements.

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I was known as "Vladislav the Poker".

0:07:080:07:11

It's been like this the whole time...

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-OK, so...

-'Viago is a little...pedantic.'

0:07:150:07:19

The washing and the rubbish, I did that.

0:07:190:07:21

Deacon, on dishes, and it's still hasn't moved in five years!

0:07:210:07:25

He was an 18th-century dandy,

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so he can be very fussy.

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He nags and nags...

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..In the lounge the other day

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and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.

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Which one, the red one?

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Well, it's red now, yeah.

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If you're going to eat a victim on my nice, clean couch,

0:07:410:07:44

put down some newspaper on the floor

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and some towels. It's not hard to do.

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We're vampires! We don't put down towels!

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Some vampires do.

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Well, not serious ones!

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'When you get four vampires in a flat

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'obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.'

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There's tension in any... any flatting situation.

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It's settled, then. We'll all do our jobs,

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starting with a certain Deacon...

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I will do my dishes!

0:08:080:08:10

This is bullshit.

0:08:300:08:32

MUSIC: You're Dead by Norma Tanega

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# Don't sing if you want to live long

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# They have no use for your song

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# You're dead, you're dead, you're dead

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# You're dead and out of this world... #

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Me, I became a vampire when I was 16.

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That is why I always look 16.

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In those days, of course, life was tough for a 16-year-old.

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# ..You'll never get a second chance

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# Plan all your moves in advance

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# Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead

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# Stay dead and out of this world... #

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Vampires have had a pretty bad rep.

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We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles.

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And while some...most of us are, a lot are,

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but there are also those of us who like to flat together in

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really small countries like New Zealand.

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# ..Don't ever talk with your eyes

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# Make sure that you compromise

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# You're dead, you're dead

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# You're dead

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# You're dead and out of this world... #

0:09:530:09:55

I was a Nazi vampire.

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After the war, which the Nazi's lost...

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I don't know if you know that the Nazi's lost

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that war.

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If you were a Nazi, after the war...

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..and if you were a vampire...

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..and if you were a Nazi vampire...

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No way.

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I was out of there.

0:10:230:10:24

# ..Long gone, long gone

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# Long gone and out of this world

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# When you smile and it tears your face

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# It's time for the inhuman race

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# You're down, you're down

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# You're down and out of this world. #

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Yah, I came to this country for love.

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Uh, there was a girl. Human girl.

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And...

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..I...

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..thought she was fantastic. She was...

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..absolutely amazing.

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I was smitten.

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Her family emigrated to New Zealand.

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And I thought,

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"You know what, to hell with it.

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"I'm going to go. I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel."

0:11:280:11:32

I told my servant Phillip,

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"Send me to New Zealand."

0:11:340:11:36

He put the wrong postage on my coffin,

0:11:360:11:39

so the whole journey took about 18 months.

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And when I got here, she had

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found someone else.

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She had fallen in love.

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And...

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She was married.

0:11:540:11:55

She gave me this before she left.

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There she is.

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That's me, I put myself in there too.

0:12:120:12:15

She told me it was pure silver.

0:12:170:12:19

Unfortunately...

0:12:200:12:21

..we vampires can not wear silver.

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FAINT SIZZLING

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Yeah...

0:12:440:12:46

It's about as long as I can wear that.

0:12:470:12:50

TRUMPET PLAYS OUT OF TUNE

0:12:560:12:59

Tonight, we are going out into Wellington Central.

0:13:140:13:18

It is important that we look good.

0:13:180:13:19

Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.

0:13:190:13:21

One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you...

0:13:210:13:26

..don't know exactly what you look like.

0:13:260:13:28

Wooooh!

0:13:280:13:30

Look!

0:13:300:13:31

A ghost cup!

0:13:310:13:34

Floating all by itself!

0:13:340:13:36

We can give each other feedback

0:13:360:13:38

and help each other out until we're looking great.

0:13:380:13:41

Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.

0:13:410:13:44

We might bite someone and then

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you think, "Ooh, those are some nice pants!"

0:13:460:13:48

-Deal with these...

-No! Change it!

0:13:480:13:50

When you are a vampire, you become very sexy.

0:13:500:13:53

We are trying to attract victims to us.

0:13:570:14:00

Not sure about the waist coat.

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I go for a look which I call Dead But Delicious.

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We are the bait.

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But we're also the trap.

0:14:060:14:09

Hello, ladies.

0:14:090:14:10

And, voila, we are ready to go into town and party!

0:14:310:14:34

-Vampire...

-Vampire style.

0:14:340:14:36

When we go into town, we must try to blend in.

0:14:450:14:48

Just walking the streets.

0:14:480:14:50

Coming into town. Um, it's really cool because

0:14:500:14:52

just for one brief moment

0:14:520:14:54

-I feel...

-Homos!

0:14:540:14:55

The trouble with being a vampire is you

0:15:020:15:05

have to be invited in, to go in.

0:15:050:15:07

We would like to come into the bar, please.

0:15:070:15:10

Invite us into the bar, please.

0:15:100:15:11

Keep walking.

0:15:110:15:13

Will you invite us in!

0:15:130:15:15

If the humans found out what we were...

0:15:150:15:18

..they would destroy us.

0:15:180:15:20

There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region.

0:15:200:15:24

-Obvious vampire.

-Jolene!

0:15:240:15:26

Hello! How embarrassing!

0:15:260:15:28

He's a guy I used to work with when I was human.

0:15:280:15:31

-Is he gone?

-Yeah, he's gone.

0:15:310:15:33

I've been draining him all night.

0:15:330:15:34

Been a very thirsty girl.

0:15:340:15:36

Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl,

0:15:360:15:39

you are always going to look the same age.

0:15:390:15:40

What are you doing tonight? Going to kill some perverts?

0:15:400:15:43

-Yeah, we're meeting a paedophile.

-Cool.

0:15:430:15:45

OK, let's just go, please.

0:15:450:15:47

-Have a good night, guys!

-Yeah, you have a good night!

0:15:470:15:49

The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated, so we can always get in.

0:15:490:15:53

It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington.

0:15:530:15:56

-Come on in, guys, come on in.

-Thank you.

0:15:560:15:59

Perhaps you could bring some people to the house.

0:16:070:16:10

-Sure.

-Perhaps some virgins?

0:16:100:16:12

Virgins? Yep, OK.

0:16:120:16:13

Any kind of preference in terms of gender or...?

0:16:130:16:16

Maybe some ladies?

0:16:160:16:17

Yep. Ladies.

0:16:170:16:19

Perhaps a guy?

0:16:190:16:21

One of each?

0:16:210:16:22

One of each should be cool.

0:16:220:16:24

'My relationship with Deacon is...'

0:16:240:16:26

..well, I'm his familiar. He's my Master.

0:16:260:16:29

He tells me what to do, I do it.

0:16:290:16:32

We have that kind of master-servant relationship

0:16:340:16:36

which works nicely, actually.

0:16:360:16:37

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Oh, it's a little bit of blood.

0:16:370:16:39

Um, my husband, he's a... a haemophiliac.

0:16:390:16:42

-You know, someone who bleeds a lot.

-Yeah.

0:16:420:16:45

Any kind of age range?

0:16:450:16:47

-Young.

-But not...not kids?

0:16:470:16:49

Not kids.

0:16:490:16:50

18 to 30?

0:16:500:16:52

Definitely younger than yourself.

0:16:520:16:54

OK, so 18 to 30.

0:16:540:16:56

-So it's a dinner party? I'll be there?

-Yes!

0:16:560:16:58

-Dinner party.

-The guys'll be there?

0:16:580:17:00

-Yes.

-We will all be there?

-Yes, we will dress up.

0:17:000:17:02

-OK, great.

-And then...eat them.

0:17:020:17:04

-OK!

-Should be fun.

-Great.

0:17:040:17:06

I was just wondering if we could talk about the...

0:17:060:17:09

Do you know of a night dentist? Because I have this thing here.

0:17:090:17:12

I was just wondering if we could talk about the deal.

0:17:120:17:15

-Hm?

-The deal.

0:17:150:17:17

-The dishes?

-No, the...

0:17:170:17:20

The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life.

0:17:200:17:24

Um, which is...

0:17:240:17:26

..very exciting.

0:17:270:17:28

I feel like I've kind of reached my potential

0:17:280:17:30

and I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before I kind of...

0:17:300:17:33

I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be.

0:17:330:17:35

It's been four and a half years and I just...I just...

0:17:350:17:38

It's doing your pot plants and your dry-cleaning.

0:17:380:17:40

-I'm now doing your dishes and...

-And the dentist.

0:17:400:17:43

And the dentist. It's just taking an awful long time,

0:17:430:17:45

-so I was just wondering...

-Be gone!

-OK.

0:17:450:17:48

-I'll see you later!

-OK.

0:17:480:17:50

'One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that...

0:18:000:18:04

'..you have to drink human blood.

0:18:050:18:08

'I like to make a real evening of it.'

0:18:080:18:10

-Lovely.

-'Play some music.

0:18:100:18:12

'Maybe give them some nice wine.

0:18:120:18:14

'It's their last moment alive

0:18:140:18:16

'so why not make it a nice experience?'

0:18:160:18:18

So...

0:18:200:18:22

Tell me what you do, what do you...?

0:18:220:18:24

I'm thinking about going to uni, actually.

0:18:240:18:26

Oh, you are? Let's put this over there.

0:18:260:18:28

University, yeah?

0:18:300:18:32

Yeah, but after that, I'm gonna travel.

0:18:320:18:35

Yeah. I really wanted to go overseas for ages, so...

0:18:350:18:39

I'm saving up and I'm going to go to Spain

0:18:390:18:41

and Italy and London and...

0:18:410:18:43

Yeah.

0:18:430:18:45

OK. Excuse me.

0:18:470:18:49

Just put that there.

0:18:490:18:51

There we go.

0:18:560:18:57

Shit! Shit!

0:19:040:19:07

Well, that didn't go so great.

0:19:130:19:16

Um, I hit the main artery.

0:19:160:19:19

So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...

0:19:200:19:24

On the upside, I think she had a really good time.

0:19:240:19:27

MIC RUMBLES

0:19:330:19:35

So, it's quite late and, uh...

0:19:440:19:47

I've managed to find a woman up, watching television.

0:19:470:19:50

And, uh, she seems like she'd be a good victim.

0:19:500:19:53

I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...

0:19:550:19:57

See me...

0:20:000:20:01

See me...

0:20:030:20:05

She can't, she can't see me from that angle.

0:20:070:20:10

Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.

0:20:100:20:13

He could hypnotise crowds of people.

0:20:130:20:15

Great orgies. 20, 30 women.

0:20:150:20:18

He could turn into all sorts of animals.

0:20:180:20:20

But now he never gets the faces right.

0:20:200:20:22

He would kill anybody. Men, women.

0:20:220:20:25

Children. Burning everything.

0:20:250:20:28

It was totally great.

0:20:280:20:29

But he suffered a humiliating defeat

0:20:290:20:33

at the hands of his arch nemesis -

0:20:330:20:35

The Beast.

0:20:350:20:37

OMINOUS MUSIC

0:20:370:20:40

And he's never been the same.

0:20:450:20:47

See me...

0:20:470:20:48

See me...

0:20:500:20:52

See me...

0:20:530:20:56

HE RAPS THE GLASS

0:20:560:20:57

See me...

0:20:570:20:59

Would you like to come inside?

0:21:010:21:03

OMINOUS MUSIC

0:21:090:21:13

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:21:230:21:25

Ah!

0:21:250:21:27

-Jackie, welcome! Come in.

-Hello.

0:21:270:21:30

This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.

0:21:300:21:32

-And Josephine.

-Nice house.

0:21:320:21:33

And this is Deacon, my overseas friend from Europe.

0:21:330:21:36

'Deacon and his friends need...

0:21:360:21:39

'..victims.'

0:21:390:21:40

Hi! Please come in, welcome.

0:21:400:21:43

They can't be people that...

0:21:430:21:45

..I actually

0:21:450:21:47

invest in or like because, of course, they will become victims.

0:21:470:21:50

Hi! Josephine?

0:21:500:21:52

No, I sat next to you in English. Remember?

0:21:520:21:55

Um, you used to call me the Jaxorcist?

0:21:550:21:58

No, you did. No, you did. Yeah.

0:21:580:22:00

No, you started that.

0:22:000:22:02

You were the one that started calling me that

0:22:020:22:04

and then it kind of caught on. Yeah.

0:22:040:22:06

OK, bye, then. Bye.

0:22:060:22:09

She's in.

0:22:090:22:10

GRAMOPHONE MUSIC DRONES UP TO SPEED

0:22:100:22:14

Do you like that, Nick?

0:22:140:22:16

Yep, it's nice.

0:22:160:22:17

I will go and prepare dinner.

0:22:190:22:22

Neat.

0:22:220:22:23

Nick, are you a virgin at all?

0:22:250:22:27

Um, what?

0:22:270:22:29

Doesn't seem like... Are... Are you a virgin?

0:22:290:22:31

-Yes.

-Um, no.

0:22:310:22:34

You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?

0:22:340:22:36

Yeah, I was 12.

0:22:360:22:37

You said he was a virgin.

0:22:370:22:38

I think we drink virgin blood because...

0:22:380:22:41

it sounds cool.

0:22:410:22:42

I think of it like this.

0:22:420:22:44

If you were going to eat a sandwich,

0:22:440:22:47

you would just enjoy it more if you knew no-one had fucked it.

0:22:470:22:51

Let's concentrate on Josephine, then.

0:22:510:22:53

Are you a virgin?

0:22:530:22:55

I'm not, no.

0:22:550:22:56

OK, I'm really sorry.

0:22:560:22:57

Because I totally

0:22:570:22:59

pinned her as a virgin.

0:22:590:23:00

She looks like a virgin. She talks like a virgin, I mean...

0:23:000:23:04

Who would have sex with her? I wouldn't.

0:23:040:23:06

I would.

0:23:060:23:08

Oh.

0:23:080:23:09

OK, good.

0:23:110:23:12

-It's two dinners... Yum.

-Nick.

0:23:120:23:15

Do you like bisgetti?

0:23:150:23:17

Uh...yep. I usually like it.

0:23:170:23:19

But...be better if it was warm.

0:23:190:23:21

'So, this is my favourite trick.'

0:23:210:23:23

We present our guest with a plate of bisgetti.

0:23:230:23:27

And then I will say, "Why don't you eat some bisgetti?"

0:23:270:23:31

Please, Nick.

0:23:310:23:32

Eat some bisgetti.

0:23:320:23:33

I didn't realise you enjoyed eating worms, Nick.

0:23:350:23:39

-No...

-They are worms.

0:23:390:23:42

There's worms wiggling around in my plate.

0:23:420:23:44

It is worm-like, but not actually...

0:23:440:23:46

We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.

0:23:460:23:49

But I put a nice twist on it.

0:23:490:23:51

Nick.

0:23:510:23:52

How does it feel to have a snake for a penis?

0:23:520:23:55

Jackie? My penis has disappeared. It's a cobra snake.

0:23:560:23:59

Nobody is gonna mistake your penis for a cobra, Nick, OK?

0:23:590:24:02

-Believe me.

-What have you put in my spaghetti?

0:24:020:24:04

No, it is just a normal penis.

0:24:040:24:06

I'm out. I'm out.

0:24:060:24:08

Josephine?

0:24:080:24:10

Do you like bisgetti?

0:24:100:24:12

Look, these freaks...

0:24:140:24:15

..spike my spaghetti, make my cock turn into a snake. It is not cool.

0:24:150:24:19

Not cool.

0:24:190:24:20

You don't think this is weird?

0:24:260:24:28

For fuck's sakes...

0:24:290:24:30

CAR LOCKING SYSTEM CHIRPS

0:24:320:24:34

Jackie?!

0:24:360:24:38

Jackie!

0:24:380:24:40

-Sorry, Nick.

-What are you doing?!

0:24:400:24:43

Jackie!

0:24:430:24:44

Shit!

0:24:490:24:51

BAT SCREECHES

0:24:520:24:55

-YOWLING

-What the fuck?!

0:24:560:24:59

No. No.

0:25:000:25:02

GUTTURAL HISSING

0:25:030:25:05

SNARLING AND HISSING

0:25:050:25:09

SNARLING, DOOR RATTLES

0:25:150:25:17

Fuck off.

0:25:170:25:18

NOISES CEASE

0:25:180:25:20

Where am I?

0:25:220:25:23

-THEY HISS

-Fuck.

0:25:440:25:46

Fuck!

0:25:490:25:50

VIAGO GIGGLES EXCITEDLY

0:25:580:25:59

Freaks!

0:25:590:26:01

Oh, no...

0:26:100:26:12

Petyr got him.

0:26:120:26:14

Poor guy...

0:26:140:26:15

Who let Petyr out?

0:26:150:26:17

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

0:26:400:26:43

-KNOCKING AT WINDOW

-Hey, guys!

0:27:120:27:14

Hey, what are you guys doing?

0:27:160:27:18

What are you doing, Nick?

0:27:180:27:20

Come into the house.

0:27:200:27:21

'Hi, my name is Nick.' Hey, guys.

0:27:230:27:24

'I've been a vampire for two months.'

0:27:240:27:26

'Probably, I reckon, the best thing about being a vampire is flying.

0:27:270:27:30

'Like I've always wanted to...'

0:27:300:27:32

I think everyone has always wanted to fly and now I can do it.

0:27:320:27:34

Oh...

0:27:400:27:42

Nick, why don't you use the front door?

0:27:450:27:48

Why would I? I'm flying.

0:27:490:27:51

Petyr bit me.

0:27:510:27:52

Sucked all my blood out.

0:27:520:27:53

I woke up in his basement and...

0:27:530:27:55

..he offered me some blood.

0:27:550:27:56

I just thought it was something...

0:27:560:27:58

..some German thing that these guys do.

0:27:580:28:00

This transition, into becoming a vampire, was pretty hard.

0:28:000:28:03

I looked like shit to start off with,

0:28:030:28:05

like, I had a massive gash on my neck.

0:28:050:28:07

Like you could see the inside of my neck.

0:28:070:28:09

I had blood all over my top.

0:28:090:28:11

And then I came home and I was sweating.

0:28:110:28:13

I was either really hot or really cold.

0:28:130:28:15

It was like a hang-over times ten, I reckon. It was really bad.

0:28:150:28:18

It was quite similar to having the flu.

0:28:240:28:26

Except the only difference would probably be

0:28:260:28:29

that my eyes bleed heaps.

0:28:290:28:31

Are you guys not cold?

0:28:320:28:34

No, I can't really explain it.

0:28:340:28:36

It's like, yeah, real hot-and-cold

0:28:360:28:38

and like bloody eyes and flying and stuff.

0:28:380:28:40

The neighbours can see you flying around the house.

0:28:400:28:42

You want to draw attention to this house, hm?

0:28:420:28:44

You've got a whole...documentary crew following you around.

0:28:440:28:47

I am doing an erotic dance for my friends

0:28:470:28:49

and you ruined it. I was in the zone.

0:28:490:28:51

My friends were loving it.

0:28:510:28:52

I love it. I saw the end of it. It looked great.

0:28:520:28:54

'I don't, I don't know, if I'm, if I'm accepted yet.

0:28:540:28:57

'But... I don't know. I think it's getting there.

0:28:570:28:59

'I know they're old and stuff, but they're quite naive'

0:28:590:29:01

when it comes to the real world.

0:29:010:29:03

So...I don't know, it would be cool to just...

0:29:030:29:05

..hang out with them. They can teach me some stuff.

0:29:050:29:08

I can probably teach them a few things.

0:29:080:29:09

At the start it was like, "Oh, no, like I'm...

0:29:160:29:19

"..I'm dead."

0:29:190:29:20

It's kind of affected my friendship with normal people,

0:29:200:29:23

my family and stuff.

0:29:230:29:24

But, the way I see it, I've got a whole new family.

0:29:240:29:27

They accept me for who I am. I accept them for who they are.

0:29:270:29:31

Even though... one of them killed me.

0:29:310:29:34

Where should we go tonight?

0:29:340:29:35

Let's go to The Big Kumara.

0:29:350:29:36

-Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?

-We never get in to Boogie Wonderland.

0:29:360:29:39

My friend Richard's the bouncer. He can get us in.

0:29:390:29:41

-What? Really?

-I'll invite us in.

0:29:410:29:44

-Stu is keen, Stu loves it.

-He will come with us too?

0:29:440:29:46

Ah, this is my friend Stu.

0:29:460:29:48

-Hey.

-He works in computers and stuff.

0:29:480:29:51

Originally he went out with my sister.

0:29:510:29:52

And then they broke up.

0:29:520:29:54

I didn't really get into it, it's got nothing to do with me.

0:29:540:29:57

And, um... He can't hear me.

0:29:570:29:59

Yeah, so basically...

0:30:010:30:03

Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire

0:30:030:30:05

and he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.

0:30:050:30:07

He just thinks I've just met some colourful friends.

0:30:070:30:10

This is jasmine...

0:30:100:30:11

I brought him round to the house

0:30:110:30:12

and they all thought I'd brought a meal for everyone.

0:30:120:30:14

Just like... it really, really sucks

0:30:140:30:17

that I can't eat him.

0:30:170:30:19

I just want to like...

0:30:190:30:22

Look at it. He's the reddest guy I know.

0:30:230:30:25

Right, you can hear me.

0:30:250:30:28

-Like computer based and stuff, heh, mainly?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:30:280:30:31

-Geodatabases.

-Yeah, like computers mainly.

0:30:310:30:33

Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara.

0:30:350:30:38

Big Kumara!

0:30:380:30:40

Great!

0:30:420:30:43

Come on, Stu, hurry up.

0:30:440:30:45

I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.

0:30:460:30:49

He's such a dick.

0:30:500:30:52

Looking great, man! Gentlemen, you are most welcome!

0:30:540:30:56

We're in Boogie Wonderland!

0:31:040:31:06

Here we are at Boogie Wonderland and it is so much fun.

0:31:060:31:12

They have an electric floor. This is amazing!

0:31:120:31:15

I'm so happy to be here.

0:31:150:31:17

This place is pretty cheesy.

0:31:170:31:19

Also, did you see the jacket he wore?

0:31:190:31:22

He's wearing the same jacket as me.

0:31:220:31:24

-It's not exactly the same.

-It's pretty close.

0:31:240:31:26

I'm just loving being a vampire at the moment.

0:31:330:31:35

Or there is the Fat Lady's Arms.

0:31:410:31:43

Er, on Wednesday's they do like a fear factor competition.

0:31:430:31:45

You can win, like, T-shirts and hats and small prizes.

0:31:450:31:49

I can smell werewolves.

0:31:490:31:51

OK, we're just about to walk past some werewolves

0:31:510:31:53

so some shit might go down!

0:31:530:31:55

Look out, guys. Don't catch fleas.

0:31:550:31:57

-What's that, mate?

-Deacon!

0:31:570:31:58

-Sorry, what?

-Keep going, keep walking. Keep walking!

0:31:580:32:00

-We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

0:32:000:32:03

What are you filming? It's a music video, is it?

0:32:030:32:05

We don't want any trouble.

0:32:050:32:06

-Why did you start it?

-I do. Have I got your heckles up?

0:32:060:32:09

Huh? Why don't you girls smell your own crotches, huh?

0:32:090:32:12

-Come on...

-What are you talking about?

0:32:120:32:14

We don't smell our own crotches. We smell each other's crotches.

0:32:140:32:16

And it's a...form of...greeting.

0:32:160:32:18

-You're on camera, mate, don't, don't...

-What?

0:32:180:32:20

It's OK, cos I know this guy.

0:32:200:32:22

It's Count Fagula.

0:32:220:32:23

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:32:230:32:24

Hey, hey, hey! Don't swear.

0:32:240:32:26

-Sorry...they...they...

-We're werewolves.

0:32:260:32:28

-Not swearwolves.

-What are we?

0:32:280:32:29

We're werewolves, not swearwolves.

0:32:290:32:31

-No, listen, that's...

-That's a really offensive word to call people.

0:32:310:32:34

Well, at least you're talking about a bundle of sticks.

0:32:340:32:36

Chase this bundle of sticks, werewolves!

0:32:360:32:39

-No, no, no!

-Don't get it! Nathan, it's not real.

0:32:390:32:41

He's just going to take off his gloves.

0:32:410:32:43

Ah, shit, man! What the fuck did you do that for?

0:32:430:32:45

Hey! Don't swear. We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.

0:32:450:32:48

-WEREWOLF SNARLS Whoa, whoa!

-Hey.

-Calm down!

0:32:480:32:50

-Shit, I've still got my glasses!

-Dion! Dion!

0:32:500:32:52

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:32:520:32:54

Hey, hey, hey, hey! DION SNARLS

0:32:550:32:57

Do the breathing! Do the breathing.

0:32:570:32:59

-Do the breathing.

-Count to ten, mate. Count to ten.

0:32:590:33:01

-Come on.

-Hold it. Count to ten, human again.

0:33:010:33:04

-Ten, human again.

-All right, it's not a full moon.

0:33:040:33:06

-Thanks a lot, guys. Enjoy your night, yeah?

-You should be ashamed.

0:33:060:33:09

Great, we didn't want this to happen.

0:33:090:33:11

VAMPIRES HISS, WEREWOLVES HOWL

0:33:110:33:15

-Come on, guys.

-Hey! Say it! Don't spray it, bitch!

0:33:170:33:20

-Declan! Why are you swearing all the time?!

-Well, he riled me...

0:33:200:33:24

-Were they actually werewolves?

-Yeah.

0:33:240:33:26

Are you OK, Stu?

0:33:260:33:27

-NICK:

-'I just don't really know how to approach this,

0:33:300:33:32

'cos I've never done it before.'

0:33:320:33:34

Um, and he is a good friend.

0:33:340:33:36

And I don't wanna...

0:33:360:33:38

..I don't want to break that friendship but...

0:33:380:33:40

..then again, what do you do when someone tells you that they're a vampire?

0:33:400:33:44

'I'm expecting him to be angry.

0:33:440:33:46

'He might be scared.

0:33:460:33:47

'I'm expecting lot of things to bubble to the surface.'

0:33:470:33:50

You probably noticed, it has been...

0:33:500:33:53

I've been going through a few changes lately.

0:33:530:33:55

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:33:560:33:58

Like...

0:33:580:34:00

I don't show up for lunch any more.

0:34:000:34:02

-Yeah.

-And how I've...

0:34:020:34:04

changed our... all our tennis games

0:34:040:34:06

-to night-time tennis games.

-Right.

0:34:060:34:09

And how you went from beating me every time

0:34:090:34:12

and how I've won the last three?

0:34:120:34:14

Yeah.

0:34:150:34:17

So...

0:34:170:34:18

The reason I brought you here...

0:34:180:34:20

..is to tell you that...

0:34:200:34:22

..I'm a vampire.

0:34:230:34:24

'Stu took it pretty well.

0:34:280:34:29

'He's definitely my best mate.

0:34:290:34:31

'And I'm not gonna eat him.'

0:34:310:34:32

But if they ever offer you spaghetti...

0:34:320:34:34

..um...you shouldn't eat it.

0:34:340:34:36

I think they offered me biscotti.

0:34:380:34:40

Vampire mates don't eat human mates.

0:34:400:34:42

And no matter how much I wanted to eat him,

0:34:420:34:44

I would never eat him cos he's my mate.

0:34:440:34:46

-Eh, Stu?

-Yeah.

0:34:460:34:48

Yeah.

0:34:480:34:49

Stu is great. We really like him.

0:34:510:34:56

At first I wanted to kill him,

0:34:560:34:59

but now I'm glad I've spent the time to get to know him.

0:34:590:35:02

Yeah, of course he looks delicious with his big red cheeks.

0:35:020:35:06

But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu.

0:35:060:35:10

-Right?

-Right.

0:35:100:35:11

The guys upstairs, they... They're loving him.

0:35:110:35:14

At the start they were a bit, "Who's this human you're bringing into the house?"

0:35:140:35:18

But it took them literally two minutes and

0:35:180:35:19

they like him more than they like me, I reckon.

0:35:190:35:22

I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.

0:35:220:35:25

Try and attack. Use your legs.

0:35:250:35:27

Wow!

0:35:280:35:29

Step back... Punching high.

0:35:290:35:33

-Yep.

-Hi.

-Yep.

0:35:330:35:35

I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...

0:35:350:35:37

Cos I know that you...

0:35:370:35:38

..you turned me into a vampire.

0:35:380:35:40

Maybe don't do that to him.

0:35:400:35:42

He's a...vegetarian.

0:35:420:35:44

Last thing he'd want to do is eat,

0:35:440:35:46

a live being or eat blood or eat meat...

0:35:460:35:49

-I am controlling this.

-Get it, get it!

0:35:490:35:51

Quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward

0:35:510:35:55

if you're not paying attention.

0:35:550:35:57

PHONE BEEPS

0:35:570:35:59

One message received.

0:35:590:36:00

There is a crucifix behind you.

0:36:040:36:07

So, down on there, like halfway down will focus it.

0:36:070:36:10

Maybe smile.

0:36:100:36:11

-Anything you want to find, you...

-Yeah.

0:36:150:36:18

You can type your name here?

0:36:180:36:20

I've lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

0:36:200:36:24

Yes, now Google it.

0:36:240:36:26

Stu is the first human friend that I've had for long time.

0:36:260:36:30

With humans, there's a tendency to die.

0:36:300:36:33

Yeah.

0:36:340:36:35

We can look at her photos.

0:36:350:36:37

-Ah, oh, yes.

-Or we can poke her.

0:36:370:36:39

Yes.

0:36:410:36:43

Can we see a movie of a sunrise?

0:36:430:36:45

-What? Shit!

-Whoo...

0:36:460:36:48

Nice...

0:36:480:36:50

If you push images, than we can see pictures of virgins.

0:36:500:36:53

-Ah, yes. Yes.

-Yah, yah...

0:36:530:36:55

I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

0:36:570:37:01

CHORAL MUSIC ON GRAMOPHONE

0:37:010:37:04

DEACON SCRATCHES THE RECORD

0:37:090:37:11

There he is, yeah.

0:37:140:37:15

This is my old servant, Phillip.

0:37:150:37:17

-So, we're gonna call him.

-Yeah.

0:37:170:37:20

And...

0:37:200:37:21

..screen...

0:37:210:37:23

My God, that's him, that's him, that's Phillip.

0:37:270:37:29

He looks so old!

0:37:290:37:31

TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN

0:37:310:37:33

REPLIES IN GERMAN

0:37:420:37:45

-Data about where things are.

-Like Google Maps?

0:39:000:39:03

Yeah, kind of like Google Maps but, like, more layers of information.

0:39:030:39:07

The movie Twilight, have you seen it?

0:39:070:39:09

OK, I'm the main guy in Twilight.

0:39:090:39:10

You know the main guy? Twilight? That's me.

0:39:100:39:13

These cameras are following me around.

0:39:130:39:15

They could have chosen anyone.

0:39:150:39:17

How many people have you told you are a vampire?

0:39:170:39:19

-Not many.

-I heard that girl

0:39:190:39:21

talking about that you said you were a vampire.

0:39:210:39:23

-Yeah, I told her.

-Who else?

-Who did you tell?

0:39:230:39:26

Uh, I told her hot friend.

0:39:260:39:28

-You can't tell everyone...

-WHISPERS:

-..that you're a vampire.

0:39:280:39:31

-Who's that guy?

-I don't know but I trust him.

0:39:310:39:33

-You can't tell everyone.

-I won't.

0:39:330:39:36

I'm a vampire!

0:39:360:39:38

THEY CHEER

0:39:380:39:39

Vampire!

0:39:390:39:41

Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.

0:39:410:39:42

What's wrong with them?

0:39:420:39:44

Um, vampire eyes. Can't go into the sun.

0:39:440:39:46

Oh, my God, are they your fangs?

0:39:460:39:49

For real?

0:39:490:39:50

For real, real.

0:39:500:39:51

Too real, real.

0:39:510:39:53

-I'm a vampire.

-What, a vampire?

-Yeah.

0:39:530:39:55

-I'm a vampire hunter.

-LAUGHING:

-No, you're not!

0:39:550:39:58

-I am.

-You fucking piece of shit.

0:39:580:40:00

I'll Skype you!

0:40:000:40:01

-I float. I can transform into stuff.

-Same.

0:40:010:40:04

-No, you can't.

-Yeah.

0:40:040:40:06

I'll show you.

0:40:060:40:08

Show me. Show me some of your vampire stuff.

0:40:080:40:10

What have I got? Um...

0:40:100:40:11

Don't lie about transforming into shit.

0:40:160:40:18

-Twilight!

-Shut up, Nick!

0:40:250:40:28

You're not Twilight.

0:40:280:40:29

-What's your problem?

-You are my problem.

0:40:290:40:32

Telling the world that we are vampires.

0:40:320:40:34

I'll tell the whole world that you're an arsehole now.

0:40:340:40:36

Shut up! Shut up!

0:40:360:40:38

-You shut up!

-Guys?

-No, you shut up!

0:40:380:40:39

-No, you shut up.

-You shut up.

0:40:390:40:41

-I'm Dracula, man!

-You're not Dracula!

-I'm Dracula!

0:40:410:40:43

You don't even know who Dracula is! You idiot!

0:40:430:40:46

-Ooh, bat fight!

-Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!

0:40:490:40:52

VIAGO GIGGLES EXCEITEDLY

0:40:520:40:54

Oh, ho, ho!

0:40:540:40:55

Ah, Deacon!

0:40:590:41:01

That wasn't fair, man!

0:41:020:41:04

My fucking jacket, man!

0:41:040:41:06

I don't care about your stupid jacket.

0:41:060:41:09

-Deacon! STU:

-You OK, mate?

0:41:090:41:11

-Hey, Stu?

-Mm-hm?

0:41:270:41:29

How's your worms?

0:41:290:41:32

What?

0:41:320:41:33

You're eating worms.

0:41:330:41:35

Can you do that shit where you turn them into worms?

0:41:390:41:42

-No.

-Doesn't work on chips.

0:41:420:41:44

Only works on things that already look like worms.

0:41:440:41:47

-Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?

-He knows now.

0:41:470:41:50

Oh, no. I wouldn't eat that.

0:41:520:41:54

Why?

0:41:560:41:58

Are you OK, Nick?

0:42:070:42:09

All right?

0:42:100:42:11

He ate the chip.

0:42:170:42:19

I can't eat salads now, great.

0:42:190:42:21

I can't sunbathe.

0:42:210:42:22

I can't watch daytime TV.

0:42:220:42:24

I can if I... Yeah, I guess I could.

0:42:240:42:26

More than ever just the chips.

0:42:260:42:28

My favourite food. I can't eat chips.

0:42:280:42:30

I don't... It's just... I hate...

0:42:310:42:33

I'll say it - I'm over being a vampire. It's shit.

0:42:330:42:36

So, don't...don't believe the hype.

0:42:360:42:38

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING, BAT SCREECHES

0:42:440:42:46

BANG, CAR ALARM BLARES

0:42:460:42:48

'Jackie?!'

0:42:540:42:56

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:42:560:42:58

Jackie, can I come in, please?

0:42:580:42:59

-OK, off to bed, guys!

-Hello, children!

0:42:590:43:01

-Don't look at the man.

-Hey, little children.

0:43:010:43:04

Natasha, don't look at the man!

0:43:040:43:06

I was going to bite you tonight.

0:43:060:43:08

-Really?

-But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire.

0:43:080:43:12

Sorry, I thought you killed him two months ago.

0:43:120:43:14

No, I didn't...no... He's a vampire.

0:43:140:43:16

-What do you mean?

-He jumped in front of your place.

0:43:160:43:19

All I'm saying is that, um...

0:43:200:43:23

You know, if I had a penis, I would have been...

0:43:230:43:24

I would have been bitten years ago.

0:43:240:43:27

I may have to penalise you.

0:43:270:43:28

Perhaps another couple of years. Perhaps ten years.

0:43:290:43:32

-Hm?

-Like one big circle, just biting each other's dicks.

0:43:320:43:35

You know, they don't even wear shirts, they wear blouses.

0:43:350:43:38

It's just this big homoerotic dick-biting club.

0:43:380:43:40

And I'm stuck here, ironing their fucking frills.

0:43:400:43:43

Also clean the bathroom, please.

0:43:430:43:45

There's blood everywhere. It is gruesome.

0:43:450:43:48

OK, see you tomorrow.

0:43:480:43:50

Off to bed, please.

0:43:550:43:56

Katherine.

0:44:080:44:10

She was so charming and nice.

0:44:100:44:13

She was everything I wanted.

0:44:130:44:15

Unfortunately... yeah, she was married.

0:44:150:44:19

Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

0:44:190:44:21

I thought about chopping his head off,

0:44:210:44:23

draining him of every drop of blood that he had.

0:44:230:44:27

Who wouldn't?

0:44:270:44:29

But then I also saw how happy she was.

0:44:290:44:33

And that made me kind of happy.

0:44:330:44:36

And I didn't want to ruin it for her,

0:44:360:44:39

so I did the honourable thing and I just stepped back

0:44:390:44:44

and let her live her life.

0:44:440:44:46

RHYTHMIC BANGING

0:44:540:44:57

SOUNDS OVERLAP

0:45:040:45:06

SCREAMING Petyr!

0:45:090:45:12

-Petyr!

-Where is it?

0:45:120:45:14

Petyr! Petyr!

0:45:140:45:16

-Petyr!

-Petyr!

0:45:160:45:17

Get water!

0:45:190:45:21

Get out of the sunlight! Get water! Get water!

0:45:210:45:23

Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!

0:45:230:45:26

Get in the shadows, Petyr!

0:45:260:45:27

Get out of the sunlight!

0:45:270:45:30

Aaaaargh! Get out of my way!

0:45:300:45:32

I'm going in! I'm coming, Petyr!

0:45:320:45:35

-Deacon, no, it's sunlight!

-I'm coming for you!

0:45:350:45:37

It's sunlight out there!

0:45:370:45:39

It's sunlight!

0:45:390:45:41

WAILS: It's sunlight!

0:45:410:45:43

I was too late.

0:45:470:45:49

VIAGO CRIES AND WAILS

0:45:550:45:58

Turn that thing off.

0:45:580:46:00

Our friend had just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!

0:46:000:46:04

So this is what I think happened.

0:46:180:46:20

The vampire hunter

0:46:200:46:22

broke in through the window here.

0:46:220:46:24

Has impacted the table, breaking the table leg.

0:46:250:46:29

Then he has come this way,

0:46:290:46:31

towards the tomb.

0:46:310:46:33

DEACON RETCHES

0:46:330:46:34

Crucifix! Cover the crucifix!

0:46:340:46:36

And then... Petyr has burst from the tomb.

0:46:390:46:43

Pushed the tomb lid on to the vampire hunter.

0:46:430:46:46

And then the sunlight has come through here

0:46:460:46:49

and burned Petyr alive.

0:46:490:46:52

Think this is just a table leg, which is...sanded down.

0:46:520:46:55

-Do you think he hand-sanded that, or...?

-Yes.

0:46:550:46:57

-Image that, stuck in your...

-Eugh!

0:46:570:46:59

It's quite shocking down here, Nick.

0:46:590:47:02

Look, here's our sweet Petyr.

0:47:020:47:05

-Ohh, fucking hell.

-Burnt to a sizzle.

0:47:050:47:07

-I can't figure out this.

-This is the vampire hunter.

0:47:070:47:09

-Is this Franco?

-Uh, who's this guy?

-Look at his...

0:47:090:47:11

bloody head, all back-to-front.

0:47:110:47:13

Twist it the other way, the other way!

0:47:130:47:16

Let's see who this guy is.

0:47:160:47:18

-Hm, typical macho type.

-Yuck!

0:47:190:47:22

Hideous.

0:47:220:47:23

Oh, shit!

0:47:230:47:25

-I know that guy, actually.

-You know him?

0:47:250:47:28

-Yeah.

-What?

0:47:280:47:29

I saw him the other night in town.

0:47:290:47:32

-Told him I was a vampire.

-What?!

0:47:320:47:33

I thought he was joking. He said he was a vampire hunter.

0:47:330:47:36

You let a vampire hunter into our house?

0:47:360:47:38

-I just gave him my e-mail.

-Nick!

0:47:380:47:40

I'm going to tear out your tongue and shove it down your arse.

0:47:410:47:44

Fucking hell!

0:47:460:47:47

I'm going to kill you!

0:47:490:47:51

You killed Petyr with your big mouth!

0:48:010:48:03

It was a mistake!

0:48:030:48:05

Get up!

0:48:050:48:06

Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.

0:48:060:48:08

We can talk about this, OK? We can talk about it!

0:48:150:48:17

-I'll kill you!

-I'm already dead!

0:48:170:48:20

Stu, stay back!

0:48:200:48:21

-KNOCKING ON DOOR Someone's at the door.

-Sh! Sh!

0:48:240:48:27

I'll go, I'll go.

0:48:270:48:29

Oh, shit.

0:48:360:48:37

-Good evening, sir.

-Hello, police.

0:48:390:48:41

Hi, I'm Constable O'Leary. This is Constable Minogue.

0:48:410:48:43

We're just responding to a report of a possible forced entry

0:48:430:48:46

and also a rather large amount of shrieking.

0:48:460:48:48

Just wondering, maybe we could come in and just have a wee look around?

0:48:480:48:51

OK.

0:48:510:48:52

What's with the fellow? What's with the camera?

0:48:520:48:55

Yeah, we're obviously just here cos there was a phone call

0:48:550:48:57

from a member of the public, about a bit of disturbance.

0:48:570:48:59

Um, some loud noises.

0:48:590:49:01

-Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?

-Um...

0:49:010:49:03

And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...

0:49:030:49:05

We're just checking over the scene Making sure everything's, you know,

0:49:050:49:08

above board so to speak and, er,

0:49:080:49:10

making sure no-one's in danger, that kind of thing.

0:49:100:49:12

We might go up and have a wee look up there,

0:49:120:49:14

if that's all right with you?

0:49:140:49:15

-Come on, mate, you lead the way.

-Just a little tour. Yeah.

0:49:150:49:18

OK.

0:49:180:49:19

-Smells a bit weird here too, mate.

-Yeah.

0:49:190:49:21

What do you call that?

0:49:210:49:23

Barbecue.

0:49:240:49:26

You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.

0:49:290:49:32

No, we certainly hope not.

0:49:320:49:34

-Let's just... Let's just keep going.

-FAINT THUMPING AND GRUNTING

0:49:340:49:36

-Hi there, guys. How are ya?

-Hello.

-Hi, fellas.

0:49:360:49:39

We're just wondering where all the shouting was coming from?

0:49:390:49:42

That was me.

0:49:420:49:43

Yeah, OK, we've had a couple reports, OK?

0:49:430:49:45

A couple of people not happy with the level of noise here.

0:49:450:49:47

-OK. The neighbours?

-You can't be screaming when you've got neighbours on either side.

0:49:470:49:51

SOFTLY: Feeling nervous. I've hypnotised those cops.

0:49:510:49:54

I'm not a great hypnotiser so it could wear off any second.

0:49:540:49:58

I really hope that those guys don't kill those police

0:49:580:50:00

because this will mean more police will come,

0:50:000:50:02

possibly even Christians,

0:50:020:50:04

which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

0:50:040:50:06

I can see you're having a good time. End of the day,

0:50:060:50:09

we've got to keep the peace, OK?

0:50:090:50:10

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

0:50:100:50:12

See what I'm seeing?

0:50:120:50:14

What's that, Minogue?

0:50:140:50:16

You're joking?

0:50:160:50:17

Not a smoke alarm in sight.

0:50:180:50:20

No smoke detectors, mate?

0:50:200:50:21

Rule number one -

0:50:210:50:23

smoke detectors.

0:50:230:50:25

-OK.

-Rule number two - maybe not so many barbecues inside.

0:50:250:50:28

-Sort it out, fellas.

-OK.

0:50:280:50:29

Barbecue smells really strong down here, doesn't it?

0:50:290:50:32

What kind of marinade?

0:50:320:50:33

Who's this guy?

0:50:330:50:35

Um...it's a friend who came to our party.

0:50:350:50:38

-Mate, you all right?

-He's drunk.

-That's what I thought.

0:50:380:50:41

Drunk guy.

0:50:410:50:43

You can't just leave him down here like that, OK?

0:50:430:50:45

This guy's not having a good time.

0:50:450:50:46

He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.

0:50:460:50:48

-Well, his soul is in hell, so...

-I don't know where his soul is,

0:50:480:50:51

but all I am saying is, where is his blanket?

0:50:510:50:53

There's a big slab of concrete on him.

0:50:530:50:55

-You could move that.

-It's definitely not going to be comfortable.

0:50:550:50:57

-See anything else in here?

-No, I think I've seen enough.

0:50:570:51:00

-OK.

-Hang on a minute. What have we got here?

0:51:000:51:03

-What is that?

-This!

0:51:040:51:06

-Oh, this?

-You can see this as clearly as I can!

0:51:060:51:08

Adhesive, mate.

0:51:080:51:09

That's a flammable.

0:51:090:51:11

And then you've got a lamp on top of that.

0:51:110:51:12

Directly underneath a power source.

0:51:120:51:14

-That is quite bad.

-It's very bad.

0:51:140:51:16

And no smoke detectors again, are there?

0:51:160:51:18

-No.

-Yes, there are.

0:51:180:51:20

-Yes, there are, I see them.

-There are.

-That's good.

0:51:200:51:22

Lots to think about, guys.

0:51:220:51:23

-Yeah, lots to think about.

-Next flat meeting, yeah?

0:51:230:51:26

Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...

0:51:260:51:28

-have a bit of dialogue about it.

-OK.

0:51:280:51:30

-They've got a really good point.

-Wait!

0:51:300:51:32

Let's kill them.

0:51:320:51:33

-No!

-Well, let's just see what other safety points they have

0:51:330:51:36

-and then maybe we'll...

-Yeah.

0:51:360:51:37

I call into session

0:51:460:51:48

this trial of Nick of Wellington.

0:51:480:51:51

Read the charges.

0:51:560:51:58

Problems we have with Nick.

0:51:580:51:59

Number one - you brought a human into our house,

0:52:000:52:04

-which is a big no-no in the vampire world.

-Stu is... Stu is OK, though.

0:52:040:52:07

Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just

0:52:070:52:09

cross that one out. Uh...

0:52:090:52:12

-Thank you, Stu.

-Thank you, Stu.

0:52:150:52:17

So, the new number one -

0:52:170:52:19

Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.

0:52:190:52:22

That in turn resulted in

0:52:220:52:25

an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.

0:52:250:52:28

Crime number two...

0:52:280:52:30

This is quite a biggy, Nick,

0:52:300:52:32

the vampire hunter who killed Petyr.

0:52:320:52:35

That's... I actually should've...

0:52:350:52:37

that should have been crime number one

0:52:370:52:38

but we wanted to build up to that.

0:52:380:52:40

Number three -

0:52:400:52:42

Deacon doesn't like that your wear the same jacket as him

0:52:420:52:45

and he would like you to find your own original style.

0:52:450:52:49

For these crimes of which

0:52:490:52:51

we the vampire council find you guilty

0:52:510:52:54

you should be banished from our flat...

0:52:540:52:57

..indefinitely.

0:52:570:52:58

-Indefinitely.

-Indefinitely.

-So I can come back?

0:52:580:53:01

No, no, indefinitely means there is no end.

0:53:010:53:04

I thought that there was no...

0:53:040:53:05

No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing.

0:53:050:53:08

-Yeah, but it's long.

-Could be tomorrow, it could be six months.

0:53:080:53:11

-NO!

-No, it is not tomorrow!

0:53:110:53:13

-At least six moths.

-Banished!

-You are banished.

0:53:130:53:15

But, Stu, you can visit if you like.

0:53:150:53:17

Thank you.

0:53:170:53:19

For your crimes... you will be made to suffer

0:53:190:53:23

the procession of shame.

0:53:230:53:25

I asked them, Nick, I asked them not to pass that sentence.

0:53:250:53:28

We should do this immediately.

0:53:280:53:30

-In my opinion.

-You didn't ask.

0:53:300:53:32

You didn't ask. You were saying yes.

0:53:320:53:34

-I did...

-Well, this is what's going to happen.

0:53:370:53:39

I still think it's quite extreme.

0:53:390:53:42

Let us do the procession of shame.

0:53:420:53:44

Now.

0:53:440:53:46

-Shame.

-Shame!

-Shame.

-Shame.

-Shame!

0:53:470:53:50

-Shame!

-Shame.

-Bad vampire!

0:53:500:53:52

Shame.

0:53:520:53:53

Shall we go, Stu?

0:53:550:53:56

SOFTLY: Bye, Stu.

0:54:010:54:03

That was a shame.

0:54:180:54:20

SHE SIGHS

0:54:320:54:33

So today we have an invitation

0:54:430:54:46

to the big event of the year.

0:54:460:54:49

Breaking it open.

0:54:490:54:51

They have burned the edges.

0:54:510:54:53

-Like a treasure map or something.

-It looks very authentic, doesn't it?

0:54:530:54:56

"Dearly departed..."

0:54:560:54:58

That's us.

0:54:580:55:00

"The Wellington Vampire Association in conjunction with

0:55:000:55:04

"the Lower Hutt Vampire/Witch Club and the Karori Zombie Society

0:55:040:55:08

"invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June

0:55:080:55:15

"starting at 6pm."

0:55:150:55:18

-666...

-Oh, yeah...

0:55:190:55:21

The Unholy Masquerade, of course, is a great time for the undead community of Wellington.

0:55:210:55:25

There's zombies there.

0:55:250:55:27

Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.

0:55:270:55:31

It's always a big deal for me.

0:55:310:55:33

-Love it.

-One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade dressed as

0:55:330:55:38

Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...

0:55:380:55:41

..1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

0:55:410:55:44

Didn't go down so well because she was a nun.

0:55:440:55:47

Vampires don't like nuns.

0:55:490:55:51

Of course, the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade

0:55:510:55:53

is every year they announce the guest of honour.

0:55:530:55:56

And...um...

0:55:560:55:58

I don't know if I should be saying this but...

0:55:580:56:01

I heard a little rumour

0:56:010:56:03

that the guest of honour this year...

0:56:030:56:05

..might be me.

0:56:070:56:09

-The location...

-Oh, yeah, where is it?

-Where's the location?

0:56:090:56:13

The Cathedral of Despair.

0:56:130:56:14

And the guest of honour will be...

0:56:140:56:16

Who is it? Show me.

0:56:200:56:21

Hm.

0:56:280:56:29

OK.

0:56:300:56:32

OK. OK.

0:56:320:56:35

-OK, that's fine. That's fine.

-OK?

0:56:350:56:36

VLADISLAV SHOUTS, FURNITURE CRASHES

0:56:380:56:41

Vladislav...has...

0:56:430:56:46

..just had a reaction to the information

0:56:460:56:49

that the guest of honour will be...

0:56:490:56:51

..um...The Beast.

0:56:510:56:53

The darkest part of my mind

0:56:560:56:58

is reserved for The Beast.

0:56:580:57:00

We can tell you a thing or two about The Beast.

0:57:000:57:02

You should pray that you never have to see The Beast.

0:57:020:57:05

This one is called The Beast.

0:57:050:57:06

And I said, "Get your hands off my balls, Beast!"

0:57:060:57:09

He may have told you some stories about his

0:57:090:57:12

great battle with The Beast.

0:57:120:57:14

Yeah, oh, "I fought The Beast on a cliff.

0:57:140:57:16

"Oh, I fought The Beast in a swamp.

0:57:160:57:19

"One time I fought The Beast in the toilets of a nightclub."

0:57:190:57:23

Difficult battle.

0:57:230:57:25

I hope you never see The Beast.

0:57:250:57:27

The Beast.

0:57:280:57:30

OMINOUS MUSIC

0:57:310:57:34

You can't go the ball as Blade. He's a vampire hunter.

0:57:380:57:41

Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.

0:57:410:57:44

No, it's inappropriate.

0:57:440:57:45

OK, Vlad, the green jodhpurs,

0:57:450:57:48

or the black leather with the dragon belt?

0:57:480:57:50

-We're having a mild crisis here.

-Just wear the pants you want.

0:57:500:57:52

-Which do you want to wear?

-Just look at the pants, Vlad!

0:57:520:57:54

-Look at the pants!

-THEY'RE JUST PANTS!

0:57:540:57:56

-Shit, man!

-Holy shit!

0:57:560:57:58

Oh, you look terrible.

0:57:580:57:59

The black pants.

0:57:590:58:01

Thank you. Get dressed!

0:58:010:58:02

I don't know if I feel up to it, really.

0:58:020:58:04

You don't look that great but if you eat someone on the way

0:58:040:58:08

-and rejuvenate a little bit..?

-You could wear a mask or something.

0:58:080:58:10

Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!

0:58:100:58:14

What are you bidding on?

0:58:140:58:15

I'm bidding on a table.

0:58:150:58:17

-Are you coming or not?

-Not.

0:58:170:58:19

I'm gonna go change. We're leaving in ten minutes.

0:58:190:58:21

Have a good time!

0:58:210:58:24

MUSIC IN VENUE

0:58:240:58:26

CHATTERING

0:58:300:58:31

We tend to, often, without getting into that kind of...

0:58:390:58:43

..stuff, which... I'm really sick of that, but, you know...

0:58:430:58:46

It's just that, it's harder for us to actually...

0:58:460:58:48

..chase people down.

0:58:480:58:49

Can I introduce, um...?

0:58:490:58:52

-Gary and Alisha.

-Hi, how are you?

0:58:520:58:55

-Hi.

-GROANING

0:58:550:58:56

Hi... Less groaning, guys.

0:58:560:58:59

So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.

0:59:010:59:03

It's great.

0:59:030:59:04

This is my mask.

0:59:040:59:06

Which I made for the occasion.

0:59:060:59:09

-Ah!

-Hey!

0:59:090:59:11

-Jackie.

-Yeah.

0:59:110:59:13

-This is an undead party.

-Yeah, I'm a vampire.

0:59:130:59:15

-You have...?

-I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!

0:59:150:59:17

-Great.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:59:180:59:20

-So, um, who bit you?

-Oh, Nick.

0:59:200:59:23

-Oh, great.

-Yeah.

0:59:230:59:24

OK.

0:59:240:59:25

Deacon!

0:59:250:59:26

Pretty rude, because she was my... servant.

0:59:290:59:32

She was a pretty useless servant.

0:59:320:59:34

-I wouldn't worry about it.

-Yeah, but, still,

0:59:340:59:36

it would have been appreciated if you'd asked...

0:59:360:59:38

How's Stu?

0:59:380:59:39

Stu's good. He's there.

0:59:390:59:41

-Oh, he's here?

-Stu! STU!

0:59:410:59:43

Hey, hey!

0:59:440:59:45

Hey!

0:59:450:59:46

Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you, at all?

0:59:470:59:51

Ah, no...

0:59:510:59:52

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-Can you hear me at the back?

0:59:520:59:54

On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society,

0:59:540:59:57

uh, the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,

0:59:571:00:01

and the Karori Zombie Society, we welcome you here tonight.

1:00:011:00:06

We're raffling a live-meat pack this year,

1:00:061:00:08

you can inspect the prize over here to my left.

1:00:081:00:11

It's a wonderful prize.

1:00:111:00:13

Tickets are only 10 dollars each or 45 dollars for a book of five.

1:00:131:00:18

Now without further ado, it's my very great pleasure

1:00:181:00:21

to introduce to you this year's guest of honour,

1:00:211:00:24

Pauline Ivanovich!

1:00:241:00:27

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

1:00:271:00:29

-That's The Beast.

-Thank you.

1:00:321:00:35

The Beast is, uh, the name I give to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.

1:00:351:00:39

She prefers Pauline.

1:00:391:00:41

We had a very intense relationship.

1:00:411:00:44

We were very...

1:00:441:00:45

sexually explosive.

1:00:451:00:47

Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an arsehole.

1:00:471:00:52

She said...

1:00:521:00:53

all kinds of things that really hurt me.

1:00:531:00:56

And all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.

1:00:561:01:00

Well, everyone, I will be mingling around and I really hope that

1:01:001:01:06

I will meet...

1:01:061:01:08

all of you.

1:01:081:01:10

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

1:01:101:01:11

MUSIC PLAYING

1:01:111:01:13

Hello.

1:01:251:01:26

That's the new guy.

1:01:261:01:28

I don't even know what kind of vampire...

1:01:281:01:30

-If he is a vampire.

-Did you see his face?

1:01:301:01:32

Oh... Oh.

1:01:331:01:35

-Hello!

-Hi, how are you?

1:01:351:01:37

-This is Deacon.

-Hello, Deacon.

1:01:371:01:40

-This is Stu, our friend.

-G'day, Stu.

1:01:401:01:42

-How are you?

-Good. Hi. Stu.

1:01:421:01:44

You've got really warm hands, Stu.

1:01:441:01:46

Are you a demon?

1:01:461:01:48

-No, he's not a demon!

-I'm a software analyst.

1:01:481:01:51

-Stu, Stu, Stu...

-A male witch? You're a male witch.

1:01:511:01:54

You should go dance, uh, with...anyone.

1:01:541:01:56

-Sure.

-OK, take your time.

1:01:561:01:57

I like Stu. He's not vampire, so, what, a zombie, or...?

1:01:571:02:02

-A male witch?

-He's not...

1:02:021:02:03

He not, uh... He's neither, he's, uh, he's more of a human.

1:02:031:02:07

Excuse me, excuse me. Hi, Nick, hey.

1:02:091:02:11

Um, Nick...

1:02:111:02:13

Do you mind if Stu is killed?

1:02:131:02:16

Uh, I don't feel that good about it.

1:02:161:02:18

Can I... Can I just ask you, you know, a...

1:02:181:02:22

-..a personal question?

-Sure.

1:02:221:02:24

Are you, um....

1:02:241:02:27

Are you... Are you... Are you predeceased?

1:02:281:02:31

Uh...

1:02:311:02:32

If anyone's gonna eat him, it's gonna be us but we're past it.

1:02:341:02:37

They can just go fuck themselves.

1:02:371:02:39

Nick! It is your fault.

1:02:391:02:40

OK? You brought a human into this den of vampires' nests.

1:02:401:02:44

-I brought a plus-one.

-You're not helping. Yes, you did.

1:02:441:02:46

Lovely talking to you, I've got to shoot off now.

1:02:461:02:48

See you later on.

1:02:481:02:50

ZOMBIE HISSES AND GROANS

1:02:511:02:53

As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy!

1:02:541:02:57

-A frenzy!

-OK, we've got to get him out.

1:02:571:02:59

OK, follow me, follow me.

1:02:591:03:00

Excuse me, sorry, guys.

1:03:001:03:03

OK, Stu. Put that over your bloody red face.

1:03:031:03:07

-Just going outside for a cigarette.

-Oh, hey!

1:03:071:03:08

OK, not that way. This way.

1:03:081:03:10

-This way.

-Is there another way?

1:03:101:03:12

-Back away from the vampires.

-Guys...

1:03:141:03:17

-PAULINA:

-Excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?

1:03:171:03:21

Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules.

1:03:211:03:26

They brought a human.

1:03:261:03:28

And they don't let us to feast on him.

1:03:281:03:33

This was a total misunderstanding.

1:03:341:03:36

There was, on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you...

1:03:361:03:39

..the invitation, it said,

1:03:391:03:41

-"plus one", but it did not specify...

-OK.

1:03:411:03:43

-Mate, look...

-..if it could be a human or

1:03:431:03:45

if it could be a werewolf or...

1:03:451:03:46

Yeah, but he could be a vampire hunter, for all we know.

1:03:461:03:48

He could be texting his mates, saying, "I've got them all in the one place,

1:03:481:03:51

"come on over, we'll have a vampire barbecue!"

1:03:511:03:54

Well, he's not, he's not doing that.

1:03:541:03:55

How do we know that?

1:03:551:03:57

He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!

1:03:571:03:58

Stu, tell them what you do.

1:03:581:03:59

Come on, Stu! Tell us what you do. Come on.

1:03:591:04:02

Tell them what you do, Stu.

1:04:021:04:03

-Hi, my name is Stu, uh...

-Don't fuck it up, man.

1:04:031:04:05

-I can't hear, Stu.

-Louder, louder!

-Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in...

1:04:051:04:08

-I can't hear.

-Louder.

-Stu, they cannot hear you.

1:04:081:04:11

Hi, my name is Stu. I'm a software analyst.

1:04:111:04:13

I work for a geographic information systems company.

1:04:131:04:16

Sorry, what is it?

1:04:161:04:17

I work for a company that does...

1:04:171:04:19

Basically, we take like business requirements from organisations.

1:04:191:04:22

Then we analyse those requirements and then we build software

1:04:221:04:26

to fit those requirements.

1:04:261:04:28

He is a virgin. He is a virgin!

1:04:281:04:30

-I can smell a virgin at 1,000 paces.

-Go on, then.

1:04:301:04:33

Go 1,000 paces away and smell yourself!

1:04:331:04:36

I can't wait any more.

1:04:361:04:38

ALL HISSING

1:04:381:04:40

STOP!

1:04:411:04:42

There shall be no eating of the human.

1:04:501:04:53

Who are you all of a sudden?

1:04:531:04:55

You have forgotten your former lover so quickly?

1:04:551:04:59

Georgie?

1:05:021:05:04

No, not...Georgie.

1:05:041:05:06

Like, five years after...

1:05:061:05:08

No.

1:05:081:05:09

Wait a minute.

1:05:091:05:10

Just one moment.

1:05:101:05:12

No...

1:05:121:05:13

No, I've got it, it's coming, take it away...

1:05:131:05:16

Hello, Beast.

1:05:191:05:20

Hello, Arsehole.

1:05:201:05:22

-Hey, don't call me Arsehole!

-Don't call me Beast.

1:05:221:05:25

-This is Vladislav. This is my ex-boyfriend.

-This is absolutely the same.

1:05:251:05:28

-You know, the one who fucked...

-All right, that's old business, that's...

1:05:281:05:31

-personal business.

-Yeah.

1:05:311:05:32

-Nice to meet you, arsehole.

-This is my lover.

1:05:321:05:35

You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu.

1:05:351:05:37

Listen, arsehole, this is a human and this is the rules

1:05:371:05:40

and what is cameras doing here?

1:05:401:05:41

One, and then another one, what is this?

1:05:411:05:43

They're making a documentary on...

1:05:431:05:45

This is a private secret society, mate, you don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything.

1:05:451:05:49

You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy.

1:05:491:05:52

-Maybe one camera guy.

-I'm up to bloody here with you at the moment.

1:05:521:05:54

And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are.

1:05:541:05:57

We're gonna eat the human being

1:05:571:05:58

and there's nothing you can do about it, all right?

1:05:581:06:00

Now back off and let my missus get her way.

1:06:001:06:03

Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?

1:06:031:06:04

-That's right.

-Well, what about this?

1:06:041:06:06

Diego, rip his head off.

1:06:071:06:10

What do you want?!

1:06:101:06:12

Vampire fight!

1:06:121:06:14

Get him, Vladislav!

1:06:141:06:15

Rip his head off!

1:06:261:06:28

He's killing him!

1:06:281:06:29

He's killing him!

1:06:291:06:31

It is forbidden for vampires...

1:06:311:06:33

-STRAINED:

-..to kill a vampire.

1:06:331:06:35

-What the f...

-Medic!

1:06:371:06:39

Oh. What?

1:06:401:06:42

Are you OK, love? Get out!

1:06:421:06:45

We should probably go, Stu.

1:06:451:06:48

-It was great to see you, Pauline.

-Arsehole! Bastards.

1:06:481:06:52

-That was great how we...

-He's a murderer!

1:06:541:06:56

..how we both, together, equally destroyed that guy!

1:06:561:06:59

Yeah, but it was more Stu with the giant stick!

1:06:591:07:02

I hope this doesn't make it awkward for you and The Beast.

1:07:021:07:05

No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.

1:07:051:07:08

Oh, no.

1:07:081:07:10

Here we go again.

1:07:101:07:12

ALL SING: Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!

1:07:121:07:14

Stu, Stu, STU!

1:07:141:07:16

Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...

1:07:161:07:18

-Stuuu... Stuuu...

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!

1:07:181:07:21

Listen, listen!

1:07:211:07:23

Do you smell that?

1:07:231:07:24

This way.

1:07:251:07:27

Werewolves.

1:07:281:07:30

-Oh, no.

-Look what the cat dragged in, huh?

1:07:301:07:32

-Piss off.

-Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.

1:07:321:07:35

There has been no hassle here.

1:07:351:07:37

Well, let it stay that way.

1:07:371:07:39

Keep chaining yourselves up!

1:07:391:07:40

-Guys, where's your tracksuit pants?

-It was washing night.

1:07:401:07:43

My missus couldn't wash them cos there was too much blood on them.

1:07:431:07:46

When your legs expand, they grow into the tracksuit.

1:07:461:07:48

-Oh!

-Those jeans are gonna rip completely!

1:07:481:07:50

You've lost all those trousers, guys.

1:07:501:07:52

Declan, that tree's far too thin! Look at it! It's like a branch!

1:07:521:07:55

You know how big you get when you transform!

1:07:551:07:58

That's the wrong tree for you.

1:07:581:08:00

-Anton, I've...

-Oh, no, you've forgotten the combination.

1:08:001:08:04

Why did you get a combination lock?

1:08:041:08:05

I lost my key last time.

1:08:051:08:06

OK, well, it's probably four zeroes, that's the factory setting, is it?

1:08:061:08:09

-Fuck off to a tree.

-Hey!

1:08:091:08:11

Werewolves, not swearwolves.

1:08:111:08:13

Yeah, I know, well, on transformation nights,

1:08:131:08:14

it's all right, all right? I'm getting stressed out.

1:08:141:08:17

I was just reminding you.

1:08:171:08:18

Stop talking and chain yourself up, you dickhead!

1:08:181:08:20

Honestly, we're transforming.

1:08:201:08:22

All right, we'll keep walking.

1:08:221:08:23

Yeah, keep walking. By the way, I find that offensive!

1:08:231:08:26

-Is that fur?

-Oh, for crying out loud!

1:08:261:08:28

Don't look at the fur, everyone. Get back to your trees, OK?

1:08:281:08:31

-That's disgusting, man.

-You're wearing fur.

-Declan!

1:08:311:08:34

-That's not real fur.

-Oh, shit!

1:08:341:08:35

GROWLING

1:08:351:08:37

Honestly, get out of here. Take your humans!

1:08:371:08:40

That guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!

1:08:401:08:42

Get out of here!

1:08:431:08:45

Take all your clothes off that you want to keep, everyone!

1:08:451:08:47

Get that army surplus jacket off,

1:08:471:08:49

you've only just bought that, Nathan.

1:08:491:08:52

Get that camera out of my face!

1:08:521:08:54

-Go, go!

-Let's go, let's go. Come on!

1:08:541:08:56

ROARING

1:08:561:08:58

Run, Stu, RUN!

1:08:581:08:59

Let's go, let's go!

1:09:021:09:03

-They're gonna get us!

-Shit!

1:09:081:09:10

I got one!

1:09:101:09:12

PANTING

1:09:171:09:19

SNARLING

1:09:221:09:23

SCREAMING

1:09:231:09:25

WHIMPERS, SCREAMS

1:09:261:09:29

My leg! My leg!

1:09:291:09:31

Oh, God!

1:09:351:09:37

Stu! Stu!

1:09:371:09:39

STU!

1:09:391:09:40

SCREAMING

1:09:401:09:43

Stu!

1:09:441:09:46

Agh, agh! Get off me!

1:09:461:09:48

Stu, are you all right?!

1:09:491:09:51

Oh, my God, Stu!

1:09:511:09:53

Stu!

1:09:541:09:55

Ah, fuck!

1:09:551:09:57

-ROARING

-Fuck off!

1:10:001:10:02

Get off that!

1:10:021:10:03

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

1:10:051:10:07

ROARING, SCREAMING

1:10:071:10:09

Stupid werewolves!

1:10:121:10:14

Look away, Nick!

1:10:141:10:16

Don't look at their blood!

1:10:161:10:18

Stu!

1:10:181:10:20

He's a really good dude! Leave him alone!

1:10:201:10:22

-It's too late for him! Don't look at the blood, Nick!

-Stu!

1:10:221:10:26

HOWLING

1:10:261:10:28

There he is.

1:10:371:10:38

He's probably still a little upset,

1:10:401:10:42

having seen his best friend disembowelled by werewolves.

1:10:421:10:46

Nick!

1:10:491:10:51

I found you.

1:10:511:10:52

Whoa!

1:10:531:10:54

That was pretty full-on, hey?

1:10:571:10:59

But this is what happens when you are a vampire.

1:11:041:11:08

You have to watch everyone die.

1:11:081:11:10

Your mother and father.

1:11:121:11:14

All your friends.

1:11:141:11:16

Sometimes brutal.

1:11:161:11:17

Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.

1:11:201:11:23

Or falling asleep

1:11:231:11:25

in an autumn pile of leaves,

1:11:251:11:28

and having some of them block your windpipe.

1:11:281:11:32

Or making the simple mistake

1:11:321:11:35

of fashioning a mask out of crackers,

1:11:351:11:37

and being attacked by ducks.

1:11:371:11:39

Geese.

1:11:391:11:41

Swans.

1:11:411:11:43

Or simply dying of old age.

1:11:431:11:45

But even old age is brutal.

1:11:481:11:50

Watching your friends...

1:11:501:11:52

grow old.

1:11:521:11:53

They can't piss.

1:11:531:11:56

And they say stupid things and their brains go

1:11:561:11:59

and they can't remember anything.

1:11:591:12:01

And then, one day, they can't even remember who you are.

1:12:031:12:06

And you wish they were dead.

1:12:071:12:10

And then they do die.

1:12:101:12:12

No.

1:12:151:12:16

If I know Stu,

1:12:161:12:19

this was probably the way he wanted to go.

1:12:191:12:22

Disembowelled by werewolves.

1:12:221:12:25

Blood and guts

1:12:251:12:26

splayed onto the trees.

1:12:261:12:29

His face torn to shreds.

1:12:291:12:31

I hope I made you feel better.

1:12:401:12:42

WOMAN PC: 'Well, from what we can see from going around,

1:12:491:12:51

'it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack.

1:12:511:12:53

'That's what happens, when you get, you know...

1:12:531:12:55

'dangerous dogs out on the streets, not being looked after.'

1:12:551:12:58

This is not good.

1:12:581:13:00

No, not good at all.

1:13:001:13:02

There's nicer ways to go than being

1:13:021:13:03

torn apart by what looks like a pack of dogs, more than just one.

1:13:031:13:07

I'd say so. These attacks are becoming more and more frequent.

1:13:071:13:10

They're happening on a monthly basis

1:13:101:13:11

and it's just no good for anybody, OK?

1:13:111:13:13

Especially not the dogs. Certainly not the community.

1:13:131:13:15

I've got the bastard.

1:13:151:13:17

One of them here, hey?

1:13:171:13:18

That's what I'm talking about. Look at it.

1:13:181:13:20

End of the day, this dog is gonna have to be put down.

1:13:201:13:22

What a shame.

1:13:221:13:24

Look what you did.

1:13:251:13:26

Hey?

1:13:261:13:27

He's got the scent again, hasn't he?

1:13:271:13:29

-He wants to go again. He's not finished.

-Yeah.

1:13:291:13:31

VIAGO: They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead.

1:13:581:14:03

Definitely dead.

1:14:031:14:05

-Bye, Stu.

-He would have loved his scarf.

1:14:051:14:08

It was a lovely, loose knit.

1:14:081:14:10

But I don't know. I think I still feel things inside it.

1:14:101:14:14

Deacon!

1:14:181:14:19

Deacon!

1:14:201:14:21

Deacon, wakey, wakey. Hey!

1:14:211:14:24

You were asleep in here. The curtain's open. It's nearly morning.

1:14:241:14:27

You want to get sizzled to a crisp?

1:14:271:14:30

You know, you've got to think a little bit about these things.

1:14:301:14:32

-OK. Sorry, Viago.

-It's OK.

1:14:321:14:35

Night, night! OK.

1:14:351:14:37

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'Received at 4:20am...'

1:15:021:15:05

KNOCKING

1:15:131:15:14

KNOCKING

1:15:231:15:24

-Stu?!

-Hey, Deacon.

1:15:271:15:29

-Stu!

-How is it?

1:15:291:15:31

Good to see you.

1:15:311:15:32

-Look at his face!

-I saw them tear you to shreds!

1:15:321:15:35

-Look! He looks like Seal!

-They didn't kill me.

1:15:351:15:37

-It looks cool.

-Thank you, thank you.

1:15:371:15:40

Meet some of our friends.

1:15:401:15:41

-Anton.

-Deacon.

1:15:411:15:43

-Hi, Anton.

-Anton.

1:15:431:15:45

SNIFFS

1:15:471:15:48

I must have blacked out.

1:15:481:15:50

And then I remember an ambulance.

1:15:501:15:53

He's going into shock. O'Leary. O'Leary!

1:15:531:15:55

Yeah, coming!

1:15:551:15:56

OK, calm down, mate. Calm down.

1:15:561:15:59

GROWLS, ROARS

1:15:591:16:00

Looks like rabies, doesn't it?

1:16:021:16:04

And I don't know how long after that was, but I, like, woke up.

1:16:041:16:06

And it was daytime.

1:16:061:16:08

And I couldn't find my clothes.

1:16:121:16:14

Those werewolf guys, um...

1:16:161:16:18

eventually found me.

1:16:181:16:20

And they had some,

1:16:201:16:21

they like, loaned me some pants.

1:16:211:16:23

So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me.

1:16:241:16:26

Cos I was quite confused.

1:16:261:16:28

Yeah, these are the guys who, um,

1:16:301:16:32

turned me into a werewolf.

1:16:321:16:34

Did you knit your own jersey?

1:16:341:16:36

-Yes.

-Oh, yeah?

1:16:361:16:37

-I knit.

-Is that the moon, or...?

1:16:371:16:39

-Yes.

-Hopefully, we won't, you know...

1:16:391:16:42

ALL LAUGH

1:16:421:16:44

Ah, this is a nice place.

1:16:451:16:46

Please, don't, ah, don't lick anything or...

1:16:461:16:49

pee on anything.

1:16:491:16:50

We were worried at first, you know, we thought

1:16:501:16:52

"Ooh, they are just going to urinate on everything."

1:16:521:16:55

But they're actually really polite and pretty clean.

1:16:551:16:58

There was obviously that werewolf smell,

1:16:581:17:01

which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour,

1:17:011:17:04

but we opened some windows and got rid of that.

1:17:041:17:07

When Stu first suggested the idea, I thought, "No way."

1:17:071:17:10

You know, walking into a vampires' den, that's ludicrous.

1:17:101:17:12

That's my hand.

1:17:121:17:13

But I thought, well, we'll give it a shot.

1:17:131:17:15

You know, I'm the alpha male, so I made the call.

1:17:151:17:18

I'm the alpha male.

1:17:181:17:19

-Yes.

-So, generally... all the other guys follow me.

1:17:191:17:22

-To Stu!

-To Stu!

-Thanks, guys.

1:17:221:17:25

What have you done to your face?

1:17:251:17:26

I got attacked by some werewolves.

1:17:261:17:28

I met a werewolf. Seemed a very nice person.

1:17:281:17:32

So, Katherine's a vampire now.

1:17:321:17:34

-Yes.

-We decided to get together.

1:17:341:17:36

We just thought, to hell with it, you know?

1:17:361:17:38

What have we got to lose?

1:17:381:17:40

I was just sitting, doing nothing,

1:17:401:17:42

and he came floating in and over to me,

1:17:421:17:45

and I recognised him. It was wonderful.

1:17:451:17:48

That's right, I bit you on the neck.

1:17:481:17:50

That's right.

1:17:501:17:52

And I don't mind being a vampire.

1:17:531:17:55

I'm enjoying it.

1:17:551:17:57

Some people freak out a bit about the age difference.

1:17:581:18:00

Uh, they think, "What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy

1:18:001:18:04

"four times her age?"

1:18:041:18:06

-And, you know, I don't care...

-It doesn't make any difference.

1:18:061:18:09

No, they can call me cradle-snatcher, who cares?

1:18:091:18:11

I decided to bite her and we're gonna be together for ever.

1:18:111:18:14

-Wonderful.

-Yeah.

1:18:141:18:16

Pauline and I are tentatively back together.

1:18:311:18:35

But it's not long before you remember

1:18:351:18:37

why it was we broke up in the first place.

1:18:371:18:40

SCREAMING

1:18:401:18:42

We'll start in our bedroom,

1:18:441:18:46

I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow.

1:18:461:18:48

My husband is my familiar.

1:18:481:18:50

So, there has been a dynamic shift there.

1:18:501:18:53

You could buy a Bedazzler. So you write that down. That's B-E-D...

1:18:531:18:56

I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now.

1:18:561:18:59

-I love you.

-I love you too.

1:18:591:19:01

Great.

1:19:011:19:03

But I am your master.

1:19:031:19:04

-OK?

-Yeah.

1:19:041:19:07

Yeah, these guys have to laugh at my jokes, right, guys?

1:19:071:19:09

Yeah!

1:19:091:19:11

-That's a good one.

-I always look round, make sure they're all laughing.

1:19:111:19:14

If I see one of them is not quite laughing, I'll go, "Hey!'

1:19:141:19:16

"Are you laughing?", and often I'll test you.

1:19:161:19:18

What are you laughing at, Justin?

1:19:181:19:20

-Hey?

-What are you laughing at now?

1:19:201:19:21

-Just then?

-Yeah, yeah, but what?

1:19:211:19:23

Oh, I don't know.

1:19:231:19:24

Ah, test failed! Test failed!

1:19:241:19:27

You're laughing now. What are you laughing at now, though?

1:19:271:19:30

I don't know, cos...

1:19:301:19:31

Ah, another failure!

1:19:311:19:34

Well, what are you laughing at, Stu?

1:19:341:19:36

Oh, I was laughing with the group.

1:19:361:19:37

Yep, that's good. That's good, yeah.

1:19:371:19:40

Just pay attention. Pay attention.

1:19:401:19:43

Laugh with the group.

1:19:431:19:45

You will not remember the last hour and a half

1:20:251:20:28

of what you have just seen.

1:20:281:20:31

You will forget

1:20:311:20:32

the contents of this movie.

1:20:321:20:35

CLICK

1:20:391:20:40

Flatmates Viago, Deacon and Vladislav are three vampires who are just trying to get by in modern society; from paying rent, doing the housework to trying to get invited in to nightclubs, they're just like anyone else - except they're immortal and must feast on human blood.