What We Do in the Shadows

This film contains strong language and some violent scenes.

ALARM BEEPS

BANG

ALARM STOPS

'So it's 6pm in the night-time,

'which is when I wake up.'

This is always really scary part for me.

Yes! Night-time.

So, now I'm going to wake up my flatmates.

'I really love living in a flatting situation.'

Wake up!

Wake up, everyone!

'I like to hang out with other vampires.

'I like the company.'

Awaken!

A-wakey, wakey!

'I just really like having a good time with my friends.'

Deacon...

QUIETLY: Hi! Hey!

Deacon... DEACON HISSES

How was your night last night?

I transformed into a dog and had sex.

Cool!

We're gonna have a little flat meeting in the kitchen

in about 15 minutes, OK?

-OK.

-OK.

-Should I close this?

-Yes.

Vladislav?!

ASSORTED MOANS, VLAD HISSES

Sorry! Sorry!

What?

-Hey!

-What time is it?

Um, we're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes.

-20.

-OK...is there...?

WHISPERS: So we're...

..in Petyr's room.

I'm just going to wake him up.

HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT, STONE GRINDS

SING-SONG VOICE: Petyr?

Petyr?!

Petyr, wake up.

Hey, listen, we're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about ten minutes.

You don't have to come but I thought

I'd extend an invitation to you, just in case.

Um....

There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here, Petyr, and...

like this seems, I don't...

Ah, it's a spinal column, yuck!

And I was thinking, maybe

I just should bring a broom down here for you

if you wanted to sweep up some of the skellingtons.

I don't know. You know...

PETYR HISSES OK.

I got you this chicken.

CHICKEN CRIES OUT, BONES BREAK

Is Petyr coming?

-Should we be worried?

-Petyr's...

..8,000 years old.

We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.

OK, so...

Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities

because, uh...guys,

I think that we're not all pulling our weight here.

We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.

You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.

Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.

-No, that's not the point, though...

-Yeah, no, I know...

It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.

-I do my flat chores.

-No, you don't!

-Yes, I do!

-No, that's why we're having the flat meeting.

The point is, Deacon, that you have not done the dishes for five years.

Vladislav is right. It's unacceptable to have

so many bloody dishes all over this bench like that...

I'm so embarrassed when people come over here!

What does it matter?! You bring them over, you kill them!

Vampires don't do dishes.

'Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.

'He's always doing crazy things, saying crazy things.

'He's just like the young bad boy of the group.'

OK, so...

One day I was...

..selling my wares

and I walked passed this old, creepy castle.

and I look at it and think...

.."Very old and creepy."

And then this creature

flies at me!

It dragged me back to this dark dungeon

and bit into my neck.

And just at the point of death...

..this creature

forced me to suck its foul blood.

And then... it opened its wings, like this,

and hovered above me,

screeching.

DEACON CACKLES

"Now you are vampire."

And it was Petyr.

And we're still friends today.

Vlad, you were great. You put out the recycling,

which was really cool.

And! The other day, I dragged man's body down the hallway,

and noticed that there was no dust.

Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.

'Vladislav, is just like

'this older vampire who

'grew up in the medieval times.

'And, you know, to be living this long

'and to have seen the things that he's seen

'and still, like, kind of have it together,

'I mean, hats off to him.'

Bloody hell!

Sorry!

'He's a really great guy,

'a bit a of a pervert.

'He has some pretty old ideas about things.'

We should get some slaves!

'When I first became a vampire...'

..I was quite tyrannical.

I was known for

torturing a lot of people.

OMINOUS MUSIC

This is my torture chamber.

I don't come in here often any more.

I tended to torture when I was in a bad place.

My thing was, I would poke someone

with implements.

I was known as "Vladislav the Poker".

It's been like this the whole time...

-OK, so...

-'Viago is a little...pedantic.'

The washing and the rubbish, I did that.

Deacon, on dishes, and it's still hasn't moved in five years!

He was an 18th-century dandy,

so he can be very fussy.

He nags and nags...

..In the lounge the other day

and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.

Which one, the red one?

Well, it's red now, yeah.

If you're going to eat a victim on my nice, clean couch,

put down some newspaper on the floor

and some towels. It's not hard to do.

We're vampires! We don't put down towels!

Some vampires do.

Well, not serious ones!

'When you get four vampires in a flat

'obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.'

There's tension in any... any flatting situation.

It's settled, then. We'll all do our jobs,

starting with a certain Deacon...

I will do my dishes!

This is bullshit.

MUSIC: You're Dead by Norma Tanega

# Don't sing if you want to live long

# They have no use for your song

# You're dead, you're dead, you're dead

# You're dead and out of this world... #

Me, I became a vampire when I was 16.

That is why I always look 16.

In those days, of course, life was tough for a 16-year-old.

# ..You'll never get a second chance

# Plan all your moves in advance

# Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead

# Stay dead and out of this world... #

Vampires have had a pretty bad rep.

We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles.

And while some...most of us are, a lot are,

but there are also those of us who like to flat together in

really small countries like New Zealand.

# ..Don't ever talk with your eyes

# Make sure that you compromise

# You're dead, you're dead

# You're dead

# You're dead and out of this world... #

I was a Nazi vampire.

After the war, which the Nazi's lost...

I don't know if you know that the Nazi's lost

that war.

If you were a Nazi, after the war...

..and if you were a vampire...

..and if you were a Nazi vampire...

No way.

I was out of there.

# ..Long gone, long gone

# Long gone and out of this world

# When you smile and it tears your face

# It's time for the inhuman race

# You're down, you're down

# You're down and out of this world. #

Yah, I came to this country for love.

Uh, there was a girl. Human girl.

And...

..I...

..thought she was fantastic. She was...

..absolutely amazing.

I was smitten.

Her family emigrated to New Zealand.

And I thought,

"You know what, to hell with it.

"I'm going to go. I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel."

I told my servant Phillip,

"Send me to New Zealand."

He put the wrong postage on my coffin,

so the whole journey took about 18 months.

And when I got here, she had

found someone else.

She had fallen in love.

And...

She was married.

She gave me this before she left.

There she is.

That's me, I put myself in there too.

She told me it was pure silver.

Unfortunately...

..we vampires can not wear silver.

FAINT SIZZLING

Yeah...

It's about as long as I can wear that.

TRUMPET PLAYS OUT OF TUNE

Tonight, we are going out into Wellington Central.

It is important that we look good.

Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.

One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you...

..don't know exactly what you look like.

Wooooh!

Look!

A ghost cup!

Floating all by itself!

We can give each other feedback

and help each other out until we're looking great.

Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.

We might bite someone and then

you think, "Ooh, those are some nice pants!"

-Deal with these...

-No! Change it!

When you are a vampire, you become very sexy.

We are trying to attract victims to us.

Not sure about the waist coat.

I go for a look which I call Dead But Delicious.

We are the bait.

But we're also the trap.

Hello, ladies.

And, voila, we are ready to go into town and party!

-Vampire...

-Vampire style.

When we go into town, we must try to blend in.

Just walking the streets.

Coming into town. Um, it's really cool because

just for one brief moment

-I feel...

-Homos!

The trouble with being a vampire is you

have to be invited in, to go in.

We would like to come into the bar, please.

Invite us into the bar, please.

Keep walking.

Will you invite us in!

If the humans found out what we were...

..they would destroy us.

There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region.

-Obvious vampire.

-Jolene!

Hello! How embarrassing!

He's a guy I used to work with when I was human.

-Is he gone?

-Yeah, he's gone.

I've been draining him all night.

Been a very thirsty girl.

Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl,

you are always going to look the same age.

What are you doing tonight? Going to kill some perverts?

-Yeah, we're meeting a paedophile.

-Cool.

OK, let's just go, please.

-Have a good night, guys!

-Yeah, you have a good night!

The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated, so we can always get in.

It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington.

-Come on in, guys, come on in.

-Thank you.

Perhaps you could bring some people to the house.

-Sure.

-Perhaps some virgins?

Virgins? Yep, OK.

Any kind of preference in terms of gender or...?

Maybe some ladies?

Yep. Ladies.

Perhaps a guy?

One of each?

One of each should be cool.

'My relationship with Deacon is...'

..well, I'm his familiar. He's my Master.

He tells me what to do, I do it.

We have that kind of master-servant relationship

which works nicely, actually.

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Oh, it's a little bit of blood.

Um, my husband, he's a... a haemophiliac.

-You know, someone who bleeds a lot.

-Yeah.

Any kind of age range?

-Young.

-But not...not kids?

Not kids.

18 to 30?

Definitely younger than yourself.

OK, so 18 to 30.

-So it's a dinner party? I'll be there?

-Yes!

-Dinner party.

-The guys'll be there?

-Yes.

-We will all be there?

-Yes, we will dress up.

-OK, great.

-And then...eat them.

-OK!

-Should be fun.

-Great.

I was just wondering if we could talk about the...

Do you know of a night dentist? Because I have this thing here.

I was just wondering if we could talk about the deal.

-Hm?

-The deal.

-The dishes?

-No, the...

The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life.

Um, which is...

..very exciting.

I feel like I've kind of reached my potential

and I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before I kind of...

I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be.

It's been four and a half years and I just...I just...

It's doing your pot plants and your dry-cleaning.

-I'm now doing your dishes and...

-And the dentist.

And the dentist. It's just taking an awful long time,

-so I was just wondering...

-Be gone!

-OK.

-I'll see you later!

-OK.

'One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that...

'..you have to drink human blood.

'I like to make a real evening of it.'

-Lovely.

-'Play some music.

'Maybe give them some nice wine.

'It's their last moment alive

'so why not make it a nice experience?'

So...

Tell me what you do, what do you...?

I'm thinking about going to uni, actually.

Oh, you are? Let's put this over there.

University, yeah?

Yeah, but after that, I'm gonna travel.

Yeah. I really wanted to go overseas for ages, so...

I'm saving up and I'm going to go to Spain

and Italy and London and...

Yeah.

OK. Excuse me.

Just put that there.

There we go.

Shit! Shit!

Well, that didn't go so great.

Um, I hit the main artery.

So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...

On the upside, I think she had a really good time.

MIC RUMBLES

So, it's quite late and, uh...

I've managed to find a woman up, watching television.

And, uh, she seems like she'd be a good victim.

I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...

See me...

See me...

She can't, she can't see me from that angle.

Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.

He could hypnotise crowds of people.

Great orgies. 20, 30 women.

He could turn into all sorts of animals.

But now he never gets the faces right.

He would kill anybody. Men, women.

Children. Burning everything.

It was totally great.

But he suffered a humiliating defeat

at the hands of his arch nemesis -

The Beast.

OMINOUS MUSIC

And he's never been the same.

See me...

See me...

See me...

HE RAPS THE GLASS

See me...

Would you like to come inside?

OMINOUS MUSIC

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Ah!

-Jackie, welcome! Come in.

-Hello.

This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.

-And Josephine.

-Nice house.

And this is Deacon, my overseas friend from Europe.

'Deacon and his friends need...

'..victims.'

Hi! Please come in, welcome.

They can't be people that...

..I actually

invest in or like because, of course, they will become victims.

Hi! Josephine?

No, I sat next to you in English. Remember?

Um, you used to call me the Jaxorcist?

No, you did. No, you did. Yeah.

No, you started that.

You were the one that started calling me that

and then it kind of caught on. Yeah.

OK, bye, then. Bye.

She's in.

GRAMOPHONE MUSIC DRONES UP TO SPEED

Do you like that, Nick?

Yep, it's nice.

I will go and prepare dinner.

Neat.

Nick, are you a virgin at all?

Um, what?

Doesn't seem like... Are... Are you a virgin?

-Yes.

-Um, no.

You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?

Yeah, I was 12.

You said he was a virgin.

I think we drink virgin blood because...

it sounds cool.

I think of it like this.

If you were going to eat a sandwich,

you would just enjoy it more if you knew no-one had fucked it.

Let's concentrate on Josephine, then.

Are you a virgin?

I'm not, no.

OK, I'm really sorry.

Because I totally

pinned her as a virgin.

She looks like a virgin. She talks like a virgin, I mean...

Who would have sex with her? I wouldn't.

I would.

Oh.

OK, good.

-It's two dinners... Yum.

-Nick.

Do you like bisgetti?

Uh...yep. I usually like it.

But...be better if it was warm.

'So, this is my favourite trick.'

We present our guest with a plate of bisgetti.

And then I will say, "Why don't you eat some bisgetti?"

Please, Nick.

Eat some bisgetti.

I didn't realise you enjoyed eating worms, Nick.

-No...

-They are worms.

There's worms wiggling around in my plate.

It is worm-like, but not actually...

We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.

But I put a nice twist on it.

Nick.

How does it feel to have a snake for a penis?

Jackie? My penis has disappeared. It's a cobra snake.

Nobody is gonna mistake your penis for a cobra, Nick, OK?

-Believe me.

-What have you put in my spaghetti?

No, it is just a normal penis.

I'm out. I'm out.

Josephine?

Do you like bisgetti?

Look, these freaks...

..spike my spaghetti, make my cock turn into a snake. It is not cool.

Not cool.

You don't think this is weird?

For fuck's sakes...

CAR LOCKING SYSTEM CHIRPS

Jackie?!

Jackie!

-Sorry, Nick.

-What are you doing?!

Jackie!

Shit!

BAT SCREECHES

-YOWLING

-What the fuck?!

No. No.

GUTTURAL HISSING

SNARLING AND HISSING

SNARLING, DOOR RATTLES

Fuck off.

NOISES CEASE

Where am I?

-THEY HISS

-Fuck.

Fuck!

VIAGO GIGGLES EXCITEDLY

Freaks!

Oh, no...

Petyr got him.

Poor guy...

Who let Petyr out?

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

-KNOCKING AT WINDOW

-Hey, guys!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

What are you doing, Nick?

Come into the house.

'Hi, my name is Nick.' Hey, guys.

'I've been a vampire for two months.'

'Probably, I reckon, the best thing about being a vampire is flying.

'Like I've always wanted to...'

I think everyone has always wanted to fly and now I can do it.

Oh...

Nick, why don't you use the front door?

Why would I? I'm flying.

Petyr bit me.

Sucked all my blood out.

I woke up in his basement and...

..he offered me some blood.

I just thought it was something...

..some German thing that these guys do.

This transition, into becoming a vampire, was pretty hard.

I looked like shit to start off with,

like, I had a massive gash on my neck.

Like you could see the inside of my neck.

I had blood all over my top.

And then I came home and I was sweating.

I was either really hot or really cold.

It was like a hang-over times ten, I reckon. It was really bad.

It was quite similar to having the flu.

Except the only difference would probably be

that my eyes bleed heaps.

Are you guys not cold?

No, I can't really explain it.

It's like, yeah, real hot-and-cold

and like bloody eyes and flying and stuff.

The neighbours can see you flying around the house.

You want to draw attention to this house, hm?

You've got a whole...documentary crew following you around.

I am doing an erotic dance for my friends

and you ruined it. I was in the zone.

My friends were loving it.

I love it. I saw the end of it. It looked great.

'I don't, I don't know, if I'm, if I'm accepted yet.

'But... I don't know. I think it's getting there.

'I know they're old and stuff, but they're quite naive'

when it comes to the real world.

So...I don't know, it would be cool to just...

..hang out with them. They can teach me some stuff.

I can probably teach them a few things.

At the start it was like, "Oh, no, like I'm...

"..I'm dead."

It's kind of affected my friendship with normal people,

my family and stuff.

But, the way I see it, I've got a whole new family.

They accept me for who I am. I accept them for who they are.

Even though... one of them killed me.

Where should we go tonight?

Let's go to The Big Kumara.

-Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?

-We never get in to Boogie Wonderland.

My friend Richard's the bouncer. He can get us in.

-What? Really?

-I'll invite us in.

-Stu is keen, Stu loves it.

-He will come with us too?

Ah, this is my friend Stu.

-Hey.

-He works in computers and stuff.

Originally he went out with my sister.

And then they broke up.

I didn't really get into it, it's got nothing to do with me.

And, um... He can't hear me.

Yeah, so basically...

Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire

and he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.

He just thinks I've just met some colourful friends.

This is jasmine...

I brought him round to the house

and they all thought I'd brought a meal for everyone.

Just like... it really, really sucks

that I can't eat him.

I just want to like...

Look at it. He's the reddest guy I know.

Right, you can hear me.

-Like computer based and stuff, heh, mainly?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Geodatabases.

-Yeah, like computers mainly.

Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara.

Big Kumara!

Great!

Come on, Stu, hurry up.

I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.

He's such a dick.

Looking great, man! Gentlemen, you are most welcome!

We're in Boogie Wonderland!

Here we are at Boogie Wonderland and it is so much fun.

They have an electric floor. This is amazing!

I'm so happy to be here.

This place is pretty cheesy.

Also, did you see the jacket he wore?

He's wearing the same jacket as me.

-It's not exactly the same.

-It's pretty close.

I'm just loving being a vampire at the moment.

Or there is the Fat Lady's Arms.

Er, on Wednesday's they do like a fear factor competition.

You can win, like, T-shirts and hats and small prizes.

I can smell werewolves.

OK, we're just about to walk past some werewolves

so some shit might go down!

Look out, guys. Don't catch fleas.

-What's that, mate?

-Deacon!

-Sorry, what?

-Keep going, keep walking. Keep walking!

-We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

What are you filming? It's a music video, is it?

We don't want any trouble.

-Why did you start it?

-I do. Have I got your heckles up?

Huh? Why don't you girls smell your own crotches, huh?

-Come on...

-What are you talking about?

We don't smell our own crotches. We smell each other's crotches.

And it's a...form of...greeting.

-You're on camera, mate, don't, don't...

-What?

It's OK, cos I know this guy.

It's Count Fagula.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Hey, hey, hey! Don't swear.

-Sorry...they...they...

-We're werewolves.

-Not swearwolves.

-What are we?

We're werewolves, not swearwolves.

-No, listen, that's...

-That's a really offensive word to call people.

Well, at least you're talking about a bundle of sticks.

Chase this bundle of sticks, werewolves!

-No, no, no!

-Don't get it! Nathan, it's not real.

He's just going to take off his gloves.

Ah, shit, man! What the fuck did you do that for?

Hey! Don't swear. We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.

-WEREWOLF SNARLS Whoa, whoa!

-Hey.

-Calm down!

-Shit, I've still got my glasses!

-Dion! Dion!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! DION SNARLS

Do the breathing! Do the breathing.

-Do the breathing.

-Count to ten, mate. Count to ten.

-Come on.

-Hold it. Count to ten, human again.

-Ten, human again.

-All right, it's not a full moon.

-Thanks a lot, guys. Enjoy your night, yeah?

-You should be ashamed.

Great, we didn't want this to happen.

VAMPIRES HISS, WEREWOLVES HOWL

-Come on, guys.

-Hey! Say it! Don't spray it, bitch!

-Declan! Why are you swearing all the time?!

-Well, he riled me...

-Were they actually werewolves?

-Yeah.

Are you OK, Stu?

-NICK:

-'I just don't really know how to approach this,

'cos I've never done it before.'

Um, and he is a good friend.

And I don't wanna...

..I don't want to break that friendship but...

..then again, what do you do when someone tells you that they're a vampire?

'I'm expecting him to be angry.

'He might be scared.

'I'm expecting lot of things to bubble to the surface.'

You probably noticed, it has been...

I've been going through a few changes lately.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Like...

I don't show up for lunch any more.

-Yeah.

-And how I've...

changed our... all our tennis games

-to night-time tennis games.

-Right.

And how you went from beating me every time

and how I've won the last three?

Yeah.

So...

The reason I brought you here...

..is to tell you that...

..I'm a vampire.

'Stu took it pretty well.

'He's definitely my best mate.

'And I'm not gonna eat him.'

But if they ever offer you spaghetti...

..um...you shouldn't eat it.

I think they offered me biscotti.

Vampire mates don't eat human mates.

And no matter how much I wanted to eat him,

I would never eat him cos he's my mate.

-Eh, Stu?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Stu is great. We really like him.

At first I wanted to kill him,

but now I'm glad I've spent the time to get to know him.

Yeah, of course he looks delicious with his big red cheeks.

But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu.

-Right?

-Right.

The guys upstairs, they... They're loving him.

At the start they were a bit, "Who's this human you're bringing into the house?"

But it took them literally two minutes and

they like him more than they like me, I reckon.

I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.

Try and attack. Use your legs.

Wow!

Step back... Punching high.

-Yep.

-Hi.

-Yep.

I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...

Cos I know that you...

..you turned me into a vampire.

Maybe don't do that to him.

He's a...vegetarian.

Last thing he'd want to do is eat,

a live being or eat blood or eat meat...

-I am controlling this.

-Get it, get it!

Quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward

if you're not paying attention.

PHONE BEEPS

One message received.

There is a crucifix behind you.

So, down on there, like halfway down will focus it.

Maybe smile.

-Anything you want to find, you...

-Yeah.

You can type your name here?

I've lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Yes, now Google it.

Stu is the first human friend that I've had for long time.

With humans, there's a tendency to die.

Yeah.

We can look at her photos.

-Ah, oh, yes.

-Or we can poke her.

Yes.

Can we see a movie of a sunrise?

-What? Shit!

-Whoo...

Nice...

If you push images, than we can see pictures of virgins.

-Ah, yes. Yes.

-Yah, yah...

I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

CHORAL MUSIC ON GRAMOPHONE

DEACON SCRATCHES THE RECORD

There he is, yeah.

This is my old servant, Phillip.

-So, we're gonna call him.

-Yeah.

And...

..screen...

My God, that's him, that's him, that's Phillip.

He looks so old!

TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN

REPLIES IN GERMAN

-Data about where things are.

-Like Google Maps?

Yeah, kind of like Google Maps but, like, more layers of information.

The movie Twilight, have you seen it?

OK, I'm the main guy in Twilight.

You know the main guy? Twilight? That's me.

These cameras are following me around.

They could have chosen anyone.

How many people have you told you are a vampire?

-Not many.

-I heard that girl

talking about that you said you were a vampire.

-Yeah, I told her.

-Who else?

-Who did you tell?

Uh, I told her hot friend.

-You can't tell everyone...

-WHISPERS:

-..that you're a vampire.

-Who's that guy?

-I don't know but I trust him.

-You can't tell everyone.

-I won't.

I'm a vampire!

THEY CHEER

Vampire!

Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.

What's wrong with them?

Um, vampire eyes. Can't go into the sun.

Oh, my God, are they your fangs?

For real?

For real, real.

Too real, real.

-I'm a vampire.

-What, a vampire?

-Yeah.

-I'm a vampire hunter.

-LAUGHING:

-No, you're not!

-I am.

-You fucking piece of shit.

I'll Skype you!

-I float. I can transform into stuff.

-Same.

-No, you can't.

-Yeah.

I'll show you.

Show me. Show me some of your vampire stuff.

What have I got? Um...

Don't lie about transforming into shit.

-Twilight!

-Shut up, Nick!

You're not Twilight.

-What's your problem?

-You are my problem.

Telling the world that we are vampires.

I'll tell the whole world that you're an arsehole now.

Shut up! Shut up!

-You shut up!

-Guys?

-No, you shut up!

-No, you shut up.

-You shut up.

-I'm Dracula, man!

-You're not Dracula!

-I'm Dracula!

You don't even know who Dracula is! You idiot!

-Ooh, bat fight!

-Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!

VIAGO GIGGLES EXCEITEDLY

Oh, ho, ho!

Ah, Deacon!

That wasn't fair, man!

My fucking jacket, man!

I don't care about your stupid jacket.

-Deacon! STU:

-You OK, mate?

-Hey, Stu?

-Mm-hm?

How's your worms?

What?

You're eating worms.

Can you do that shit where you turn them into worms?

-No.

-Doesn't work on chips.

Only works on things that already look like worms.

-Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?

-He knows now.

Oh, no. I wouldn't eat that.

Why?

Are you OK, Nick?

All right?

He ate the chip.

I can't eat salads now, great.

I can't sunbathe.

I can't watch daytime TV.

I can if I... Yeah, I guess I could.

More than ever just the chips.

My favourite food. I can't eat chips.

I don't... It's just... I hate...

I'll say it - I'm over being a vampire. It's shit.

So, don't...don't believe the hype.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING, BAT SCREECHES

BANG, CAR ALARM BLARES

'Jackie?!'

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Jackie, can I come in, please?

-OK, off to bed, guys!

-Hello, children!

-Don't look at the man.

-Hey, little children.

Natasha, don't look at the man!

I was going to bite you tonight.

-Really?

-But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire.

Sorry, I thought you killed him two months ago.

No, I didn't...no... He's a vampire.

-What do you mean?

-He jumped in front of your place.

All I'm saying is that, um...

You know, if I had a penis, I would have been...

I would have been bitten years ago.

I may have to penalise you.

Perhaps another couple of years. Perhaps ten years.

-Hm?

-Like one big circle, just biting each other's dicks.

You know, they don't even wear shirts, they wear blouses.

It's just this big homoerotic dick-biting club.

And I'm stuck here, ironing their fucking frills.

Also clean the bathroom, please.

There's blood everywhere. It is gruesome.

OK, see you tomorrow.

Off to bed, please.

Katherine.

She was so charming and nice.

She was everything I wanted.

Unfortunately... yeah, she was married.

Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

I thought about chopping his head off,

draining him of every drop of blood that he had.

Who wouldn't?

But then I also saw how happy she was.

And that made me kind of happy.

And I didn't want to ruin it for her,

so I did the honourable thing and I just stepped back

and let her live her life.

RHYTHMIC BANGING

SOUNDS OVERLAP

SCREAMING Petyr!

-Petyr!

-Where is it?

Petyr! Petyr!

-Petyr!

-Petyr!

Get water!

Get out of the sunlight! Get water! Get water!

Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!

Get in the shadows, Petyr!

Get out of the sunlight!

Aaaaargh! Get out of my way!

I'm going in! I'm coming, Petyr!

-Deacon, no, it's sunlight!

-I'm coming for you!

It's sunlight out there!

It's sunlight!

WAILS: It's sunlight!

I was too late.

VIAGO CRIES AND WAILS

Turn that thing off.

Our friend had just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!

So this is what I think happened.

The vampire hunter

broke in through the window here.

Has impacted the table, breaking the table leg.

Then he has come this way,

towards the tomb.

DEACON RETCHES

Crucifix! Cover the crucifix!

And then... Petyr has burst from the tomb.

Pushed the tomb lid on to the vampire hunter.

And then the sunlight has come through here

and burned Petyr alive.

Think this is just a table leg, which is...sanded down.

-Do you think he hand-sanded that, or...?

-Yes.

-Image that, stuck in your...

-Eugh!

It's quite shocking down here, Nick.

Look, here's our sweet Petyr.

-Ohh, fucking hell.

-Burnt to a sizzle.

-I can't figure out this.

-This is the vampire hunter.

-Is this Franco?

-Uh, who's this guy?

-Look at his...

bloody head, all back-to-front.

Twist it the other way, the other way!

Let's see who this guy is.

-Hm, typical macho type.

-Yuck!

Hideous.

Oh, shit!

-I know that guy, actually.

-You know him?

-Yeah.

-What?

I saw him the other night in town.

-Told him I was a vampire.

-What?!

I thought he was joking. He said he was a vampire hunter.

You let a vampire hunter into our house?

-I just gave him my e-mail.

-Nick!

I'm going to tear out your tongue and shove it down your arse.

Fucking hell!

I'm going to kill you!

You killed Petyr with your big mouth!

It was a mistake!

Get up!

Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.

We can talk about this, OK? We can talk about it!

-I'll kill you!

-I'm already dead!

Stu, stay back!

-KNOCKING ON DOOR Someone's at the door.

-Sh! Sh!

I'll go, I'll go.

Oh, shit.

-Good evening, sir.

-Hello, police.

Hi, I'm Constable O'Leary. This is Constable Minogue.

We're just responding to a report of a possible forced entry

and also a rather large amount of shrieking.

Just wondering, maybe we could come in and just have a wee look around?

OK.

What's with the fellow? What's with the camera?

Yeah, we're obviously just here cos there was a phone call

from a member of the public, about a bit of disturbance.

Um, some loud noises.

-Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?

-Um...

And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...

We're just checking over the scene Making sure everything's, you know,

above board so to speak and, er,

making sure no-one's in danger, that kind of thing.

We might go up and have a wee look up there,

if that's all right with you?

-Come on, mate, you lead the way.

-Just a little tour. Yeah.

OK.

-Smells a bit weird here too, mate.

-Yeah.

What do you call that?

Barbecue.

You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.

No, we certainly hope not.

-Let's just... Let's just keep going.

-FAINT THUMPING AND GRUNTING

-Hi there, guys. How are ya?

-Hello.

-Hi, fellas.

We're just wondering where all the shouting was coming from?

That was me.

Yeah, OK, we've had a couple reports, OK?

A couple of people not happy with the level of noise here.

-OK. The neighbours?

-You can't be screaming when you've got neighbours on either side.

SOFTLY: Feeling nervous. I've hypnotised those cops.

I'm not a great hypnotiser so it could wear off any second.

I really hope that those guys don't kill those police

because this will mean more police will come,

possibly even Christians,

which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

I can see you're having a good time. End of the day,

we've got to keep the peace, OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

See what I'm seeing?

What's that, Minogue?

You're joking?

Not a smoke alarm in sight.

No smoke detectors, mate?

Rule number one -

smoke detectors.

-OK.

-Rule number two - maybe not so many barbecues inside.

-Sort it out, fellas.

-OK.

Barbecue smells really strong down here, doesn't it?

What kind of marinade?

Who's this guy?

Um...it's a friend who came to our party.

-Mate, you all right?

-He's drunk.

-That's what I thought.

Drunk guy.

You can't just leave him down here like that, OK?

This guy's not having a good time.

He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.

-Well, his soul is in hell, so...

-I don't know where his soul is,

but all I am saying is, where is his blanket?

There's a big slab of concrete on him.

-You could move that.

-It's definitely not going to be comfortable.

-See anything else in here?

-No, I think I've seen enough.

-OK.

-Hang on a minute. What have we got here?

-What is that?

-This!

-Oh, this?

-You can see this as clearly as I can!

Adhesive, mate.

That's a flammable.

And then you've got a lamp on top of that.

Directly underneath a power source.

-That is quite bad.

-It's very bad.

And no smoke detectors again, are there?

-No.

-Yes, there are.

-Yes, there are, I see them.

-There are.

-That's good.

Lots to think about, guys.

-Yeah, lots to think about.

-Next flat meeting, yeah?

Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...

-have a bit of dialogue about it.

-OK.

-They've got a really good point.

-Wait!

Let's kill them.

-No!

-Well, let's just see what other safety points they have

-and then maybe we'll...

-Yeah.

I call into session

this trial of Nick of Wellington.

Read the charges.

Problems we have with Nick.

Number one - you brought a human into our house,

-which is a big no-no in the vampire world.

-Stu is... Stu is OK, though.

Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just

cross that one out. Uh...

-Thank you, Stu.

-Thank you, Stu.

So, the new number one -

Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.

That in turn resulted in

an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.

Crime number two...

This is quite a biggy, Nick,

the vampire hunter who killed Petyr.

That's... I actually should've...

that should have been crime number one

but we wanted to build up to that.

Number three -

Deacon doesn't like that your wear the same jacket as him

and he would like you to find your own original style.

For these crimes of which

we the vampire council find you guilty

you should be banished from our flat...

..indefinitely.

-Indefinitely.

-Indefinitely.

-So I can come back?

No, no, indefinitely means there is no end.

I thought that there was no...

No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing.

-Yeah, but it's long.

-Could be tomorrow, it could be six months.

-NO!

-No, it is not tomorrow!

-At least six moths.

-Banished!

-You are banished.

But, Stu, you can visit if you like.

Thank you.

For your crimes... you will be made to suffer

the procession of shame.

I asked them, Nick, I asked them not to pass that sentence.

We should do this immediately.

-In my opinion.

-You didn't ask.

You didn't ask. You were saying yes.

-I did...

-Well, this is what's going to happen.

I still think it's quite extreme.

Let us do the procession of shame.

Now.

-Shame.

-Shame!

-Shame.

-Shame.

-Shame!

-Shame!

-Shame.

-Bad vampire!

Shame.

Shall we go, Stu?

SOFTLY: Bye, Stu.

That was a shame.

SHE SIGHS

So today we have an invitation

to the big event of the year.

Breaking it open.

They have burned the edges.

-Like a treasure map or something.

-It looks very authentic, doesn't it?

"Dearly departed..."

That's us.

"The Wellington Vampire Association in conjunction with

"the Lower Hutt Vampire/Witch Club and the Karori Zombie Society

"invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June

"starting at 6pm."

-666...

-Oh, yeah...

The Unholy Masquerade, of course, is a great time for the undead community of Wellington.

There's zombies there.

Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.

It's always a big deal for me.

-Love it.

-One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade dressed as

Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...

..1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

Didn't go down so well because she was a nun.

Vampires don't like nuns.

Of course, the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade

is every year they announce the guest of honour.

And...um...

I don't know if I should be saying this but...

I heard a little rumour

that the guest of honour this year...

..might be me.

-The location...

-Oh, yeah, where is it?

-Where's the location?

The Cathedral of Despair.

And the guest of honour will be...

Who is it? Show me.

Hm.

OK.

OK. OK.

-OK, that's fine. That's fine.

-OK?

VLADISLAV SHOUTS, FURNITURE CRASHES

Vladislav...has...

..just had a reaction to the information

that the guest of honour will be...

..um...The Beast.

The darkest part of my mind

is reserved for The Beast.

We can tell you a thing or two about The Beast.

You should pray that you never have to see The Beast.

This one is called The Beast.

And I said, "Get your hands off my balls, Beast!"

He may have told you some stories about his

great battle with The Beast.

Yeah, oh, "I fought The Beast on a cliff.

"Oh, I fought The Beast in a swamp.

"One time I fought The Beast in the toilets of a nightclub."

Difficult battle.

I hope you never see The Beast.

The Beast.

OMINOUS MUSIC

You can't go the ball as Blade. He's a vampire hunter.

Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.

No, it's inappropriate.

OK, Vlad, the green jodhpurs,

or the black leather with the dragon belt?

-We're having a mild crisis here.

-Just wear the pants you want.

-Which do you want to wear?

-Just look at the pants, Vlad!

-Look at the pants!

-THEY'RE JUST PANTS!

-Shit, man!

-Holy shit!

Oh, you look terrible.

The black pants.

Thank you. Get dressed!

I don't know if I feel up to it, really.

You don't look that great but if you eat someone on the way

-and rejuvenate a little bit..?

-You could wear a mask or something.

Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!

What are you bidding on?

I'm bidding on a table.

-Are you coming or not?

-Not.

I'm gonna go change. We're leaving in ten minutes.

Have a good time!

MUSIC IN VENUE

CHATTERING

We tend to, often, without getting into that kind of...

..stuff, which... I'm really sick of that, but, you know...

It's just that, it's harder for us to actually...

..chase people down.

Can I introduce, um...?

-Gary and Alisha.

-Hi, how are you?

-Hi.

-GROANING

Hi... Less groaning, guys.

So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.

It's great.

This is my mask.

Which I made for the occasion.

-Ah!

-Hey!

-Jackie.

-Yeah.

-This is an undead party.

-Yeah, I'm a vampire.

-You have...?

-I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!

-Great.

-Yeah, yeah.

-So, um, who bit you?

-Oh, Nick.

-Oh, great.

-Yeah.

OK.

Deacon!

Pretty rude, because she was my... servant.

She was a pretty useless servant.

-I wouldn't worry about it.

-Yeah, but, still,

it would have been appreciated if you'd asked...

How's Stu?

Stu's good. He's there.

-Oh, he's here?

-Stu! STU!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you, at all?

Ah, no...

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-Can you hear me at the back?

On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society,

uh, the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,

and the Karori Zombie Society, we welcome you here tonight.

We're raffling a live-meat pack this year,

you can inspect the prize over here to my left.

It's a wonderful prize.

Tickets are only 10 dollars each or 45 dollars for a book of five.

Now without further ado, it's my very great pleasure

to introduce to you this year's guest of honour,

Pauline Ivanovich!

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

-That's The Beast.

-Thank you.

The Beast is, uh, the name I give to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.

She prefers Pauline.

We had a very intense relationship.

We were very...

sexually explosive.

Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an arsehole.

She said...

all kinds of things that really hurt me.

And all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.

Well, everyone, I will be mingling around and I really hope that

I will meet...

all of you.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYING

Hello.

That's the new guy.

I don't even know what kind of vampire...

-If he is a vampire.

-Did you see his face?

Oh... Oh.

-Hello!

-Hi, how are you?

-This is Deacon.

-Hello, Deacon.

-This is Stu, our friend.

-G'day, Stu.

-How are you?

-Good. Hi. Stu.

You've got really warm hands, Stu.

Are you a demon?

-No, he's not a demon!

-I'm a software analyst.

-Stu, Stu, Stu...

-A male witch? You're a male witch.

You should go dance, uh, with...anyone.

-Sure.

-OK, take your time.

I like Stu. He's not vampire, so, what, a zombie, or...?

-A male witch?

-He's not...

He not, uh... He's neither, he's, uh, he's more of a human.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hi, Nick, hey.

Um, Nick...

Do you mind if Stu is killed?

Uh, I don't feel that good about it.

Can I... Can I just ask you, you know, a...

-..a personal question?

-Sure.

Are you, um....

Are you... Are you... Are you predeceased?

Uh...

If anyone's gonna eat him, it's gonna be us but we're past it.

They can just go fuck themselves.

Nick! It is your fault.

OK? You brought a human into this den of vampires' nests.

-I brought a plus-one.

-You're not helping. Yes, you did.

Lovely talking to you, I've got to shoot off now.

See you later on.

ZOMBIE HISSES AND GROANS

As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy!

-A frenzy!

-OK, we've got to get him out.

OK, follow me, follow me.

Excuse me, sorry, guys.

OK, Stu. Put that over your bloody red face.

-Just going outside for a cigarette.

-Oh, hey!

OK, not that way. This way.

-This way.

-Is there another way?

-Back away from the vampires.

-Guys...

-PAULINA:

-Excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?

Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules.

They brought a human.

And they don't let us to feast on him.

This was a total misunderstanding.

There was, on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you...

..the invitation, it said,

-"plus one", but it did not specify...

-OK.

-Mate, look...

-..if it could be a human or

if it could be a werewolf or...