Little Voice

This film contains strong language.

SNORES

-LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, for f...

LV!!

(Shit!)

# Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away

# If you can use some exotic booze

# There's a bar in far Bombay

# Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away

# Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru

# In Lamaland there's a one-man band

# And he'll toot his flute for you

# Come fly with me, let's take off in the blue

# Once I get you up there... #

LV, will you shut that up!

# Up where the air is rarefied

-# We'll just fly... #

-Come on then!

# Starry eyed

# Once I get you up there...#

Come on now!

# I'll be holding you so near

# You may hear

# Angels cheer

# Cos we're together

# Weather-wise it's such a lovely day

# Just say the words and we'll beat the birds down to Acapulco Bay

# It's perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say

# Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away... #

LV, cull it!!

# Weather-wise... #

Oi!

# It's such a lovely day

# You just say the words and we'll beat the birds down to Acapulco Bay

# It's perfect

# For a flying honeymoon, they say

# Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly... #

Bugger.

# Pack up, let's fly away! #

We're late, thanks to you and tweetie pie back there.

I was worrying about Duane, not work.

Duane?

Aye. There's a big race today. They start off from France at nine.

Strong winds forecast. Doesn't like winds, doesn't Duane.

Duane's a pigeon, right?

Aye.

Where's the first call?

Shipley St. Domestic installation.

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Are we nearly done?

Ooh, I'll be wired up to the world soon, me. In touch with all parts.

Nearly done!

Goodley. I spend me life and fortune in them slot boxes, really I do.

Ooh, them uniforms are not very becoming.

You look like you've been chucked in a tool bag, you.

Put me right off, that has. And I always liked a man in a uniform.

I bet you did!

Watch it, Sparks. Sparkler. Speaking of sparks, you don't know

nothing about electrickery? Only the wires of me home's crackling up.

No, no, we're just phone boys, us.

He's quiet. Is anyone there? Or has he been disconnected?

HE LAUGHS

Been cut off? My daughter's like that.

Like one of them answering thingies, you can only leave messages.

-Say hi, Bill.

-Hello.

Bill? Hey, you're not the famous Phone Bill, are ya?

THEY LAUGH

But look at you in that bag. You should complain.

Good looking on top and then that.

Clark Gable in a bag. Or should I say "Clark Cable"?

Ooh, look at them two looking. This one doesn't speak neither.

You two could go out for a silent night, holy night.

Or stop at home for a quiet night in. Be a real riot, that would.

DOOR SHUTS

What did I say? What did I say?!

Look at the red on him now. Lookie.

Oh, dear.

LIVE RECORDING PLAYS

That's all you get when she's upset. Crappity records, full blast! Hey!

Trash the calypsoooo!!

# Rain or come shine

# High as a mountain

# Deep as a river

# Come rain or come shine... #

We're all done. I'll just ring through and test the line.

Oh. Here, let me, go on, let me, let me.

What's the number again? No, don't tell me, I remember.

Start of the war, Bobby Moore.

Thirty-nine, sixty-six, and me age, twenty-eight.

What are you laughing at?

PHONE RINGS

Music. Music ringing in my bloody ears.

Hello, me.

# Or come shine

# Happy together

# Unhappy together

# Won't it be fine

# Days may be cloudy

# Or sunny

# We're in or we're out of the money

# I'm with you always I'm with you rain or shine... #

Stupid, isn't it? Cooped up there in the dark, like a bird trapped in the rafters.

Steady. Billy's fond of his birds.

He doesn't look the shirt-lifting type.

No, feathered variety.

Pigeons and that.

You what? Oh, frig me, no. I can't be doing with that.

All that cooing and flapping and shitting. They want shooting.

The only good pigeons are in pies!

SWITCH BUZZES

If you could just sign this, Mrs..?

Hoff. Mari Hoff. Crappity name. My late husband Frank left it me.

You can imagine me feelings on signing t'marriage register.

Mr and Mrs F 'Off.

See ya.

Thanks very much, Mr Cable.

See ya, then.

SHOP BELL TINKLES

What's it like, then, eh, to watch a master at work?

Did you not see her? Legs of jelly she had for me.

Husband dead and out the way an' all, eh?

Oh, bloody hell. Here's me imagining all sorts of slap and tickle

and all you can dream about is bloody Duane.

LV, are we out of bacon?

Recent bacon, I mean.

Oh, come on, phone, ring.

Here, make me a cup of tea, LV, love.

Come on, look after me.

Eh, give us that paper here.

Oh, take it back. I don't like the front.

Oh,

shove something on, something for me, love. Go on. Slap some food about for me.

What's that you're eating anyway? A brown envelope? What's on telly?

-TURNS ON TV

-Oh, sod that!

-TURNS OFF TV

Oh, sod this. I'm off down the cafe. I can't start the day without some dribbling fat.

Speaking of which, I can call Sadie.

That'll freak her flabby arse. Eh, and listen, you.

If anyone phones before I return,

tell 'em I'll be back in five minutes. All right?

All right?

Are...you...receiving...me?!

Aye. Sadie, it's me, calling long distance.

That I am, sexy. Well and truly plugged in. Eh, listen.

You, me, cafe, now. Last one pays, all right?

OK. Leg over and out.

Five minutes tell 'em. All right? Toodle pip.

SHOP BELL TINKLES

Fuck me! Mention bacon and eggs

and she shifts like Linford friggin' Christie! How are you, sexy?

OK.

You look a bit on t'peckish side to me. Move it.

'You stick with me, Son. You'll learn a few tricks.'

Reading matter. That's the best one. Next day, when hubby's out,

you go back with the reading matter. Leaflets and that. Works every time.

Bedtime reading I call it.

Bangers and bubble and a fuck hot tea, ta. Twice.

Bangers, mash, fuck hot tea times two.

Sadie, what a night I had, me, last night.

What a friggin' championship night. You should've seen me.

Queen for a night I was. You'll never guess who.

Ray Say.

MUSIC: "The Wonder Of You" by Elvis Presley

'Ray friggin' Say. You know him.

'He's agent to the stars. King of cabaret, manager of miracles.

'He's down at Mr Boo's nightclub all the time.

'Has that slight look of Elvis about him.

'You know him, everyone knows him. And he knows everyone.

'It were Mr Boo himself introduced us the other night.

'Two seconds, Sadie, I fib you not,

'two seconds and his hand's on me arse.

'My arse, my golden old arse in Ray Say's hands

'while he stands there telling jokes to Mr Boo.

'Well, I saw him again last night.

'The music was in our heads. In our heads and in his wandering hands.

'He'll make it in anything.

'He's one of them loveable twat sort of types.

'Driving me round in his lovable twat mobile.

'He motored me round about a million miles an hour.

'Me heart in me mouth, his hands up me skirt

'and my mind on his meat and veg. Listen,

'then it's down to the harbour for a snog. Lip lapping like old hell.

'But at least he knows how to slide and dart and take a throat.

'At least there's a thick wad of his wallet

'up against your tit for comfort.

'Ohh, up and down and down and up

'and under the bloody stars!

'Ohh, heaven it were, Sadie.'

CREAKING

CUTLERY CLATTERS

What's up with you lot? Never had a shag in a Chevy?

PHONE RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

Hiya.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Forgot to leave you, er, reading matter about services and all that.

Your phone's ringing.

Would you like me to get it for you?

Hell...

Dead.

I-I-I...

What's this, then? One of them rave thingies?

Oh, stop it. Me ears won't take it. I thought you were done, you.

You remember a socket you haven't plugged, eh, Telephone Bill?

Little Birdy Boy.

I forgot to leave this reading matter. It...

Did he ring? Did he ding-a-ling? Eh?

Oh, for fuck's sake, speak, girl.

We just...

missed a call.

I can do 1471. It tells you who was ringing.

It's one of the services mentioned i-in the reading matter.

There you go.

It don't give a name?

No. We're not quite that advanced yet.

You'd best advance on out then. Ta very much, but just flap off.

-SHE DIALS

-Bloody hell, I don't even know who I'm ringing.

..Hello?

Booze?

You what?

Oh, MR Boo's.

Oh, hello, um, is Mr Say there presently, please?

It's Mari Hoff.

Ray Say.

Oh, hello, love.

Oh, just working. Giving Mr Boo here a shufti at me clients.

Course, love. I'll see you at the Red Lion. All right, see ya.

Are you messing with Mari Hoff?

Hoff and on!

More on than Hoff I should imagine.

Excuse me. Are you watching this or what?

She'll go far, this one.

Yeah. Scunthorpe if she's lucky.

You're not interested? Good nipples.

Heating's off, that's why. Mine are the same.

OK, love. Thank you. You'll love this next lot, Mr Boo. Singing combo, five lads.

All built like Buddha.

What are they called?

Take Fat.

# I get knocked down but I get up again

# You're not ever gonna keep me down... #

SEAGULLS CRY

Hello, Billy, lad.

Arthur.

Hey, did he win?

He's, er, he's not in yet.

Not in yet? That's not like your Duane.

Don't worry, Billy. He'll be in before dark.

Aye.

I'll see you, Billy.

See ya, Arthur.

# No more that all time thrill

# Boy, you've been through the mill #

PIGEONS COO

# And never a new love

# Will be the same

# Good riddance, goodbye

# Every trick of his

# You're on to

# The road gets rougher

# It's lonelier

# And tougher... #

Right, you.

You got a fucking second to get in shape. Perk, girl, perk!

Aye, come in, Ray, come in.

Here he is, Mr Ray Say.

Here it is.

Me home.

Me walls, me telly, me phone, and me daughter.

How do you do?

Ray. Sun Ray,

Sting Ray, Ray gun. Me very own Ronnie Ray gun.

Oh, I'm just friggin' into him so!

Say hello. Oh, she's a misery. A miserable bloody misery.

What are you havin', Raymondo?

What you got?

Everything your throbbing throat could desire, lover boy.

All right?

GLASS CHINKS

Ta-daaa!

I'll have...a cup of tea.

You what?

-THEY LAUGH

-You'll have a cup of tea!

Don't just go off like that, you rude...

Leave her, she's all right!

No, it's not all right!

She spoils everything. I'm trying to make an impression

and she can't even be swivel to a friend. The tiny little slit!

Oh, what am I doing? And in front of you.

Well, that's it, I give up. This is me crappity home and this is how I am!

No gracey airs. If you don't like it you can piss off!

Hey, stay calm. Don't get mad at me.

I never said anything about anything.

Eh?

Come on, then,

let's roll about. Mmm...

Mmm...

SPRING PINGS

-LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

-Here we go, on and on and friggin'...

Cut that racket, girl!

Calm down. She's all right.

Oh, you, you little raver!

# That's a dream of romance on the scene

# Where the villain is mean

# That's entertainment

# The lights... #

Ohh!

# On the lady in tights

# Or the bride with a guy on the side

# Or the ball where she gives him her all... #

I'm not having this! You can't bloody concentrate.

Cull it, will ya?!! Think of the fucking neighbours!!

# A gay divorcee who is after her ex... #

Right, sod the bitch! We'll have our own on.

MUSIC: "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

# Who is doing him dirt... #

# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone... #

# The world of entertainment... #

# It's not unusual to see me cry... #

POPPING

# I...wanna...die... #

Hey, you, you've blown me fuse.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

SINGING UPSTAIRS CONTINUES

Shhh, shhh!

SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh?

What...what's...what's...that? She got her own radio up there?

No, that's her. That's LV.

What?

Nah.

Yeah. Mwah! Mwah!

Nah.

Yes. Mwah!

Nah.

Yes. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

# For you've been through the mill

# And never knew love

# Will be the same... #

I don't believe it.

She plays records all the time. Every God sented sec!

They're stuck in her head and she can sing 'em and it gets on my wick.

End of story. Now come on, Ray, let's roll.

# Fools will be fools

# And where's he gone to

# The road gets rougher... #

Eh, come on, lover, I'm mad for it here.

Sshh! I'm listening.

# Tomorrow he might turn up

# There's just no let up

# The live long night and day... #

Oh, sod it.

I'm off then.

# There is nothing sadder

# Than

# A one-man woman

# Looking for the man

# That got a-way... #

WINGS FLAPS

PIGEON COOS

HE SIGHS

LOUD SNAP

# It's...not...unusual to go out at any time

# But when... #

TURNS OFF RECORD PLAYER

POPPING Ohh!

Normal service resumed. Bit of grey matter and a bit of grey matter.

Bit of nous, bit of coat hanger and bingo, let there be light.

But you wanna get this lot seen to. Could bring the house down.

Hey, so could you. With what you did last night, you know?

Bloody marvellous. Who else you do? Don't go.

I'm just interested, what with being in show business myself.

Didn't your mum tell you? No?

Never mind. Let's plonk you down here.

Like the twinkling star you are.

Let me rustle up one of Ray Say's famous breakfassays.

I do 'em for my artists when we're on foreign engagements.

It's not all glamour, this game.

Fucking hell!

RADIO: # For you are beautiful

# And I loved you dearly...

'Marvellous, up there'

in the dark. Something I'll never forget.

Fuck!

What do you say,

we continue our little conversation down the cafe, eh? No?

What, and me all dressed up and no place to go?

SHE SNIFFS

RADIO ON

'There you go.'

Best I can do. Une tasse de tea a la Ray.

SEAGULLS CALL

Yeah?

Go on, love, fire away.

In show business...

In show business, yeah?

In show business...

..did you ever meet...

..Shirley Bassey?

Shirley? Dear old Shirley? Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.

To be honest, I don't think our paths ever crossed.

I did meet Des O'Connor though, and Charlie Williams.

Freddie "Mr Parrot Face" Davis?

I suppose the biggest name

I ever met was Monro.

Marilyn?

Matt. Do you remember him?

The singing bus conductor. No?

You like Marilyn, yeah?

Yeah.

Can you do her as well?

Go on, I bet you can.

Well, there you go.

"I have this thing about saxophone players. I don't know what it is."

"My spine turns to custard, I get goose pimply all over."

Frig me.

That's... That's amazing.

Christ, I don't believe that.

HE LAUGHS

Listen, LV. Listen.

You are my discovery.

I found you, right? Me.

Always remember that.

As a matter of fact, here, take one of me new cards.

I left it for you in case I missed you.

Look,

it's gold.

I wouldn't give one of these to just anyone, you know.

Now look, I know you're a bit on the quiet side,

but I'm a big noise in these parts and together, you and me,

we could set this place on fire.

You're a star, you.

You're a nutter!

No, it can't wait, no.

Hold him there. I'm coming down now. Mari, you look...

SHE GROANS

Don't speak for a minute.

I've gotta go, Mari, but what can I tell you. It's happened at last, eh?

It's like at the races when you know you're on to a certainty

and you're feeling, this is it. She's the one.

-DOOR SHUTS

-I am the one?

Give us another one, Ray.

Honest, I can't believe it. It's what I've been looking for for ages.

It's just one of those once-in-a-lifetime things.

I've never felt like this before, about anyone.

I'll see you at The Seabirds later.

TOOTS HORN

Yes!

Bloody hell, Sadie, the bastard wants me!

Too bloody right, Sadie! Get up there and get it on.

Our fave bloody rave!

MUSIC: "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps

At last, yes, yes, I shall go to the ball!

Oh, you darlings from the sky!

SHE CACKLES

# Burn, baby, burn!

# Burn, baby, burn! #

Ooh! Oh, what a life life can be!

# Burn, baby, burn! #

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

# Burn, baby, burn!

# To my surprise...

Mari!

# One hundred... #

SPRING PINGS AND RECORD STOPS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, bloody hell! What now?

I forgot to leave you this. Reading matter.

I only ordered a phone, not a mobile library!

What?

Young birdy boy has done all that.

Come on, off out of it. Make way for a woman in lust.

Hey, you, you twat! What d'you think you're bloody playing at?!

Feeding.

Screwing around more like. You come on all quiet

like you're only interested in these things here,

but really you're a devious bastard! You know what I'm on about.

Reading matter. Ah, yes, you little bastard. Though what you

wanna get your leg over that for I'll never know.

Old enough to be your grandma.

I went to see the girl.

The one with music.

What, her up...? Ahh, Jesus. I thought...

Just to talk to her, like.

Oh, aye.

Yeah. I thought

she were interesting.

Like off her bloody rocker?

Didn't I say to you, though, Sadie, eh?

I knew there was summat down for us, me and red hot Ray.

I just had that feeling in me twat bone.

And you know me. I can predict rain with that.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I'm wearing me share price knickers tonight. Down as likely as up. And some shit-tight bloody bra.

Cos I'm one high razzmatazz in here today, me! It's like there's...

-ECHOES:

-..A circus parade passing over me paps!

MUSIC: "My Heart Belongs To Daddy" by Marilyn Monroe

# While tearing off

# A game of golf

# I may make a play for the caddy

# But when I do

# I don't follow through

# Cos my heart belongs to daddy

# If I invite a boy some night

# To dine on my fine finnan haddie... #

HE WHISTLES AND SHE GASPS

I'm checking to see if your wires are OK.

# His asking for more, but my heart... #

I'm seeing if they're OK!

# Yes, my heart belongs to daddy... #

I'm just seeing if...

If your wires are all right.

# Yes, my heart belongs to daddy... #

HE WHISTLES

Do you go out much?

No.

HE WHISTLES

Are you a telly fan?

No.

Going anywhere on your holidays?

No.

# That my heart belongs to daddy... #

There are no wires.

Eh?

I finished work hours ago.

Oh, I don't know what to say now.

I'm Billy. Can I ask you your name?

LV.

Oh, does that stand for something?

Little Voice.

Oh, on account of being soft spoken?

Nice tune, that.

"My Heart Belongs To Daddy".

Oh, right.

Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, yeah, right. Eh, your mam's a live wire, ain't she?

Bloody hell! Not fond of pigeons neither.

-Pigeons?

-I keep 'em. Homing pigeons.

Oh.

I love 'em. I'm up Pigeon Hill all t'time, where lofts are.

Feed and exercise twice a day.

Exercise?

You let 'em out, they fly around and come back.

That's what homing pigeons do. Except Duane.

Duane?

Aye, my best bird. Not back from France yet.

What's he doing in France?

# My heart belongs to my daddy... #

He's coming back here.

Oh.

# So I want to warn you, laddie... #

Anyway, it can be boring to the non-enthusiast.

No, you're all right.

When you let 'em go and see 'em fly, and better still see 'em back, well,

it's dead exciting. Come up there with me, LV. See for yourself.

Oh, I... I don't go out.

What, never?

FOOTSTEPS

I'd best go, Billy. Bye.

I'll see you again somewhere. Eh?

# That little old man, he... #

Talking to yourself now?

No.

Aye, well, I'm off out on the razz.

You have a nice night in with your pals, eh?

Where you been? I said eight.

Aye, but look at me.

Eh? It takes time to get dressed up like this.

Arndale Centre weren't built in a day.

And with half as much plaster.

You smooth talker.

You know Mr Boo, don't ya? This is Little Voice's mum.

Aye. Once in a lifetime thing, Ray says.

Never felt like this before about anyone.

We'll have a few drinks then it's off to your place for a listen.

A spot of "who do you do" for Mr Boo.

What are you having, love?

Eh?

Gin. Double.

And a Campari chaser.

You make me sick, you lot! First that little phone fart

and now you all drooling over that little stick of shite!

I got tits an' all, you know! And a gob on me for every occasion!

Tits, gob and an arse to die for, me!

Good looker, eh, Boo?

Just as well, with that mouth.

No, the car, Boo. The car.

Oh, aye, yeah. Very nice.

Put her in the back.

I'm stopping here!

MUSIC: "The Dicky Bird Hop" by Gracie Fields

# Oh, the chirruping of the birdies on the sycamore tree

# They're lucky to be so happy and free

# I know that they're chirruping out a little ditty to me

# I hear them saying early every morning, get up... #

Get up, you. Ray wants you downstairs.

What for?

You've got him thinking you can do something.

He wants you down. Show Mr Boo what you can do.

It's private.

Private, my privates! You're just damn selfish and useless!

You can do nothing but whisper and whine like your father.

Couple of bloody nothings, the pair of you. Look at it.

Just a pile of junk no fucker wants. Come on downstairs!

Don't you dare touch these! Ever!

CLUNK!

Up yours, stick leg!

She'll not come down.

What?

Well, just like I said. She'll not sing. I told you.

Dad.

Dad.

Sorry, but I'm busy. I've got to be off. Got other acts to see.

Acts that can be bothered. 'Night.

Boo! Boo!

Hold on, Boo. It won't take a minute. Honest. She's special.

Listen, I didn't get where I am today by wasting my time...

listening to singers that don't sing.

She might stand an outside chance as a mime act.

SWITCH BUZZES

(Dad...)

# Somewhere

# Over the rainbow

# Way up high

# There's a land

# That I heard of

# Once in a lullaby...

'You know me.'

I wouldn't bring you down here for nothing...

# Somewhere over the rainbow

# Skies are blue

# And

# The dreams that you dare to dream

# Really do come true

# Some day I'll wish upon a star

# And wake up where the clouds

# Are far behind me

# Where troubles melt like lemon drops

# Away above the chimney tops

# That's where you'll find me

# Somewhere... #

That's never her.

It is.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

-Yeah.

-Oh, here we go again.

You got Judy Garland in there.

She's round here all the time, her and Shirley Bassey,

drinking our bloody cocoa(!)

You have a remarkable daughter.

Aye, don't I bloody know.

We must have her. There's the makings of a first-class act.

We could do a lot with that.

Me and Boo are off up the pub. Talk finer details and finances.

Leave the latch off, eh?

What about me, then? Where do I fit in?

Me, the fucking second-class act!

Er, mine's a double Scotch, Boo. I'll see you up there, eh?

What are you saying? I'm telling you, you're sitting on a gold mine.

Not over the bloody rainbow but up there. In that bedroom.

Dreams that you dared to dream, eh?

# Over the... #

She can make them come true.

# Rainbow

# Bluebirds

# Fly

# Birds fly... #

She's our chance.

We've been shovelling shit long enough, you and me.

Now's our chance to step out of it.

Our chance?

I'm going nowhere without you, girl.

Oh, Elvis breath.

Come on, then, lead us to the dotted line.

THEY LAUGH

# If happy little bluebirds fly

# Beyond the rainbow

# Why

# Oh why

# Can't I? #

DRUNKEN LAUGHTER

Love, luvvy, don't worry,

it's only us, me and Ray, coming bearing good news, lady.

Stupendous news, actually.

Mr Boo would like you to sing at his club, on stage.

Sing what you like.

No.

He'll pay. Could be up to 50 quid.

That's just the start.

No.

Ray'll look after you. He knows all about showbiz.

All you have to do is sing. Sing!

Like what you do best anyway. You might feel shy...

Nothing wrong with that. Had a girl recently,

wouldn't say boo to a goose. She's top of the bill at the Reform Club.

Who's that? That stripper?

It's similar. A similar case, Tina.

Please go.

It's not healthy being cooped up...

JUST GO!

Bloody hell. That's gratitude for you.

You great long

streak of piss! You are bloody doing it, girl!

'You can do better than that.'

How are you all doing? Alreet?!

Do you want that condo on your bill?

The duck says, no, what sort of duck do you think I am?

Hey, true story, this.

All you've gotta do is stand here and sing.

Like at home, eh?

Just stay calm and relaxed.

What are you talking about, relaxed? Look at her.

Think about... Judy.

Think about... Shirley.

Think about...

Marilyn.

On with the show, ladies and gentlemen. As you know,

Boo braves anything, goes anywhere, in his perpetual quest

for fresh talent to spice up your midweek merriment.

Guess which exotic part of the world I came across tonight's star turn?

Shipley Street.

Saves on travel expenses, don't it?

Anyway, pretty people, enough of me. A talent, an undiscovered treasure,

an act of wonder, ladies and gentlemen. A little girl that's big,

a Northern light, a rising star. Hush and order

for the turn of turns, the one, the only,

Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen! Little Voice!

CYMBALS CRASH

APPLAUSE

(Go on!)

(You're on!)

Go on. Go on, sing. I'll do anything. Just sing.

Sing for fuck's sake. Sing!

The lights.

It's the lights.

Turn out the lights.

CLUNK

AUDIENCE MURMURS

# I don't know why

# But I'm feeling so sad

# I long to try

# Something I've never had

# Never had no kissing

# Oh, what I've been missing... #

Get off!

Do another one. Go on. Do some more.

SHE MIMICS JUDY GARLAND: More?

Do you really want more?

Oh, aren't you tired? Well, we've got...

We've only got one more. We... We'll do... We'll do "Chicago".

# Chicago, Chicago

# That toddlin' town, toddlin' town

# Chicago, Chicago

# I'll show you around

# I love it, bet your bottom dollar you lose the blues

# In Chicago, Chicago... #

(What have you stopped for? Don't stop now.)

(Do anything.)

(Anything, and Jesus, look happy!)

# Happy

# Birthday

# To you

# Happy birthday

# To you... #

GLASS SMASHES

This is crazy. The punters can't see.

# Happy birthday, Mr President... #

All right then, get 'em back up. Get the lights back up.

# Happy birthday to... #

LAUGHTER

SADIE APPLAUDS

Thought things couldn't go downhill with you, Ray. What am I gonna tell 'em?

Tell 'em she'll be back.

Embarrassing! One hundred bloody chunk embarrassing, that!

I'm shown up, which was more than she was in t'dark!

He wasn't there.

And what was she singing?! She could've made an effort!

I told you you was wasting your time on her!

She did the whole thing to spite Mother. I know her. Drop her off!

Dump her home! Let's go eat.

Now then.

HE GASPS

Oh, Jesus!

Guess what? I've just seen your bird.

Where?

On stage, down at Boo's.

What?

Oh, no, not Duane.

I meant the other one. That lass.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'LV?'

Hello.

Listen, I-I heard about what you did tonight,

'at Boo's Club.'

They made me.

Who made you?

Him and her. They go on till you do.

Will they make you do it again?

She didn't like it. Won't be doing it no more.

Oh, but, Ray, it were crap awful, weren't it?

She's not what you'd call a performer, I'll grant you that.

But I can take care of that. She just needs a big band

to boost her confidence. A flashy set, bright lights, a bit of glitz.

Snazzy frocks, all that.

I love it when you talk swanky.

Has Duane come home?

No. No, not yet.

'Happens sometimes. Once they're out,'

flying free,

they like it.

'You should try it sometime, LV.'

SHOP BELL TINKLES

I've got to go. I've got to go. Bye.

'LV?'

What was she like?

Well, if it's a roller coaster of unbridled excitement you're after,

I reckon you're better off up here.

CLOCK TICKS

You're all right, love.

It's only me.

Been working on the act.

Planning. Got Boo to let us have another go. I've worked it all out.

You'll love it. Everything tailored to your personality.

All you've got to do is step on from the side.

What's up?

Hey, you're not gonna let a little hiccup like tonight put you off?

It happens to the best of them.

If you could ask her, her, or her, they'd all tell you the same thing.

They've all had nights like that. Isn't that right, Judy?

"It sure is." What about you, Marilyn?

"Too too true, boo boo be doo!"

Don't!

Seriously, it'll never happen again. Not with this. It's foolproof.

Believe me. Let's do it, eh?

You won't even look at it?

Well, never mind then, eh?

Never mind. That's it then, eh? No problem.

Pas de problemo.

Got it nice here, haven't you?

Clean and tidy. That's nice.

All your records all around you.

Your dad must have spent years building up a collection like this.

He did.

I'm not one for collecting things myself. Only debts.

I had an auntie once who was, though.

You'll never guess what she collected.

Go on.

Bluebirds.

Honest. Wild bluebirds.

Flying all over her house.

Marvellous with them she was. Even taught one of 'em to talk.

Timid little thing it was. No bigger than your thumb.

Too scared even to leave its cage.

But what she did was so simple.

All she did was keep it shaded and safe at all times.

And then sing to it

and stroke it very, very soft

every day.

And, after a while, it gave her its heart.

And later,

when it grew strong,

she set it free.

But before it flew to its freedom, it stopped

on the window ledge,

then it turned to her

and, to her great surprise,

sang.

# There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover... #

See, there she goes.

True story, that.

Which were your dad's favourites?

Them three there.

Oh, good. You know what we'll...we'll...

Oh, no. No.

What?

I-I was just thinking, we could've included them in

the, you know, the act. But we're not doing it now.

I bet your dad would've liked that though, eh?

A tribute to his life's loves. One love, his songs,

sung by his only other love, his daughter.

Huh?

That would've really been something, eh?

Yeah, shame.

Cos the man and his music, they don't get much respect, do they?

You know what I mean.

Ray?

Hm?

Nothing.

Whoops. There she goes again.

The bluebird, under the moon and over the stars.

I'll do it.

Do what?

Oh, that. Oh, OK.

Just once.

Yeah.

Whatever, whatever.

I'm pleased.

I'll just pop down and get my cigarillos.

Won't be a tic.

MUSIC: "Goldfinger" by Shirley Bassey

"Little Voice" running along the top.

# Goldfinger... #

I want it like Las Vegas. Plush up the bandstand.

# He's the man, the man with the Midas touch... #

Musical notes up the back, a bank of lights along the top.

On the stage we want a gold cage.

# Such a cold finger

# Beckons you to enter his web of sin

# But don't go in

# Golden words he will pour in your ear

# But his lies can't disguise what you fear... #

Hold on.

# For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her

# It's the kiss of death

# From Mr Goldfinger

# Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold

# This heart is cold... #

Bloody hell. All right, all right.

# Golden words he will pour in your ear

# But his lies can't disguise what you fear... #

This has come to a lot more than I thought.

# For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her... #

There you go, Mr Say. Thanks a lot.

# It's the kiss of death from Mr Goldfinger

# Pretty girl

# Beware of this heart of gold

# This heart is cold

# He loves only gold

# Only gold

# He loves gold! #

'Well, a man with a plan or what, eh?'

My Ray. Worked it all out he has. Gonna take us all to Tarby land.

I had me doubts about her doing it again at first, but, well,

he won me over. Try as I do,

I cannot say no to that man. What a tongue he has on him, eh?

Half raspberry,

half razor. Oh, I dunno, Sadie.

Maybe, this once, that fucker

fate's smiling down on us, eh?

Ohhh, liquor. Lacquer, liquor, lacquer.

Ow! Bloody hell!

Oh, my God, I've blinded me god!

No, I'm... I'm all right.

I'm all right. Here you are. I got you something.

Oh, Raymondo!

Looky here, little sparkle neck, me.

See, Sadie,

it's a love token. That's right, in't it, Ray?

Some ways I wish I could lash it round me finger.

You look stunning, Sadie. We gonna have a dance down there later, eh?

SHE SNORTS

Go upstairs, Sadie. See if star turn's ready.

I can't wait. I'm buzzing fit to burst.

Big crowd, proper job. I've even got a talent scout coming down.

Give us your lips, you, and double me palpitations.

Fuck me.

Not now, Ray, we got a show to do.

Right, are we set then, or what?

Let me open that front door. The door that leads to success.

'Welcome, welcome, welcome, yea thrice welcome to Mr Boo's.'

Knock-knock.

ALL: Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't be so fucking pathetic.

So, how are you all doing? Alreet?

You can do better than that. How are you all doing?! Alreet?!

ALL: Aye!

We've pulled out all the stops for you.

We haven't had a band in here this big since VE Day.

In fact, by the look of them, it's the same band. S'OK, they know me.

We're in for a grand night tonight! So smack one hand against th'other

for the turn of turns return, the voice of a thousand stars,

the girl with the great queuing up in her gullet!

The one, the only, Little Voice!

Liiiiii-tttttttle Vooooiiiiice!

APPLAUSE

# The minute you walked in the joint

# I could see you were a man of distinction

# A real big spender

# Good looking, so refined

# Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?

# So let me get right to the point

# I don't pop my cork for every man I see

# Hey, big spender!

# Hey, big spender!

# Hey, big spender!

# Spend a little time with me...

# Yes! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I wanna be loved by you

# Just you

# And nobody else but you

# I wanna be loved by you alone

# Boo boo bi doo

# I wanna be kissed by you

# Just you

# And nobody else but you

# I wanna be kissed by you alone

# I couldn't aspire

# To anything higher

# Than to feel the desire

# To make you my own... #

MUSIC: "Falling In Love Again" by Samuel Lerner

# Men cluster to me

# Like moths around the flame

# And if their wings burn

# I know I'm not to blame

# Falling in love again

# Never wanted to

# What am I to do?

# I can't help it... #

# Sing as we go and let the world go by

# Singing a song we'll march along the highway

# Say goodbye to sorrow

# There's always tomorrow to think of today

# Sing as we go although the skies are grey

# Beggar or king you've got to sing a gay tune

# A song and a smile making life worthwhile

# So sing E-o-e-o-e-o-e! #

HIGH-PITCHED: # As we go along! #

MUSIC: "When You Smile" by Ralph MacDonald/William Salter

# Forget your troubles come on, get happy

# You better chase all your cares away

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# Get ready for the judgement day

# The sun is shining come on, get happy

# The Lord is waiting to take your hand

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# We're going to the promised land

# We're heading across the river

# Wash your sins away in the tide

# It's all so peaceful on the other side

# Forget your troubles come on, get happy

# You better chase all your cares away

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# Get ready for the judgement day

# Forget your troubles come on, get happy

# Chase your cares away

# Hallelujah, get happy

# Before the judgement day

# The sun is shining come on, get happy... #

Who's on the phone?

It's Bunny Morris.

Bunny Morris?

That's right.

# We're gonna be going to the promised land

# We're heading across the river wash your sins away in the tide

# It's quiet and peaceful on the other side

# Forget your troubles, get happy

# Your cares fly away

# Shout Hallelujah, get happy get ready for your judgement day #

Woo!

# Come on, get happy chase your cares away

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# Get ready for the judgement day

# Sun is shining, come on, get happy

# Lord is waiting to take your hand

# Hallelujah, come on get happy

# We're going to the promised land

# Heading for the river throw your sins away in the tide

# It's all so peaceful

# On the other side

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# You better chase all your cares away

# Shout Hallelujah come on, get happy

# Get ready

# Get ready

# Get ready for the judgement day! #

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's my fucking daughter!

CHEERING CONTINUES

-CORK POPS

-A star is born or what, eh?

Guess who I just spoke to? Only Bunny Morris.

Never.

Aargh!! Who's Bunny Morris?

The fixer. Bunny "Mr Star Maker" Morris.

Any new star, he got 'em started. He puts 'em in all the big clubs.

If he rates 'em, that's it.

Nobody says no to Bunny Morris. Neither did I.

He's coming here tomorrow night.

No.

He is, honest. Gotta pick him up at the Grand at 7.

We on tomorrow night?

Yeah.

I cancelled Silverados and Gringo Hodges. They were going mad tonight.

Once, we said.

When Bunny sees her, that'll be it. We'll never be off TV. MFI Friday,

Letterman, he'll fix 'em all.

Just once, we said.

Today this crap house, tomorrow the world.

Route bloody one. London, Leeds, Las Vegas.

Yee-ha!

Remember where you got your start. My crap house. And you don't

shit on folk on t'way up cos you'll meet 'em on t'way down.

But we're not coming down.

Up to the sky we're going. Up to the sky!

Here's to the rise and rise of Little Voice.

'God,

the little bird's bleated and died of shock!

It's OK. She's just tired.

Bright lights and all that.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.

But when? Don't push her too hard.

She needs pushing.

I've seen a lot of talent wasted in my time.

Don't come the fucking impresario with me!

You run a club no-one wants to go to,

tell jokes no-one wants to laugh at. You're a nothing.

It's me with the contacts and friends in high places.

Remember that. It's Ray who's the big shot.

You lot want a ride home?

Yeah.

I may not have friends in high places,

but I've got 'em in the fucking used car business!

LV!

I know you're there, LV!

You did it again, didn't ya?

And again tonight it says.

LV!

LV, I'm worried! Are you all right?!

Look, just don't let them do it to you!

I know you're there, I just want...

WINGS FLAP

PIGEON COOS

-Duane?

-WINDOW OPENS

Eh, fuck off, Romeo!

You want to see her?

Then sod off down t'club and pay like everyone else!

We can be doin' without that sort of crap just before show,

when you need to be concentrating your mind.

Come on, love, enough of this, eh?

You've not opened your beak all day to eat or squeak.

And even you squeak from time to time, don't ya?

Eh, come on, love.

Squeak to me, eh?

SHE MAKES BIRD SOUNDS

SHE SIGHS

COOING

Duane...

Steady, steady...

Steady.

A long time since I've been dragged to the Northern clubs.

Better be good. Bloody hell!

Great, eh? Come in.

I thought you'd be showing up here sooner or later. Are you going in?

Dunno. Hello, you must be George's wife.

Wife? You bastard!

Oh, sorry, George. Sorry.

For one not known for his over usage of words,

you don't half pick 'em, do ya?

Got a spare ticket now if you want one.

Sorry.

'She's not moved. She'll have to in a minute,

'otherwise she'll be going on like she is.'

I bet Judy Garland never went on stage in her bloody pyjamas

so I don't know why she wants to!

Come on, LV, love. Whatever it is that's bugging you, just let it stop

for a few hours cos we're cutting things a bit fine now. Ray'll be

here in a minute and I'm getting just a bit fucking irate, ALL RIGHT?!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, please,

'on this night of all nights,'

the compere of all comperes,

the world's finest MC,

the funniest man never to have been on television,

the man the Northern Echo called "quite amusing",

the chuckle bag himself,

your very ow-w-w-wn

Mist-er Boooooo!

APPLAUSE

Welcome to Mr Boo's. I'm Mr Boo.

Don't shout my name too loud, I'll think you don't like me.

So how are you all doing? Alreet?

You can do better than that. How are you doing?

-CROWD MURMURS

-That's more like it.

Have we got some entertainment for you.

Have we got some for 'em?

Course we have, and we all know what that is.

Tonight, for the second consecutive night in a row,

sees the return of young Little Voice.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

'Thank you. That's all in the future. That's to look forward to.'

'Oh, Ray's going to kill me.'

He's gonna throttle me. Then what'd you be like,

with me murdered? Oh, it'll be up and about then, happy as a lark.

There'll be no crooning for your dead mum, oh no, oh no.

Oh, no, he's here!

He's here! Oh, Jesus, Jesus!

Oh, come on, LV, love, please. Eh, do it for your mum, eh?

SHOP BELL TINKLES

Oh, do summat for me, for Christ's sake,

instead of that lousy, dopey drip of a dead dad! Fuck!

Darling...

All right, Mari. OK? Bloody hell.

This is it, eh? Where's she, then?

LV?! Management is here.

Ray, love, there's, um, a bit of, er...

It's LV, love. She's dead tired. She's really...

Aren't we all. She'll be OK once she gets on there.

'Now, ladies and gentlemen,'

our first act. Five Grimsby lads who have a history of touching arseholes

I said "our souls", madam. The biggest thing in rock,

Take Fat!

# We'll be singing when we're winning

# We'll be singing

# I get knocked down but I get up again

# You're never gonna keep me down

# I get knocked down but I get up again

# You're never gonna keep me down

# I get knocked down but I get up again... #

Could she not have this night off?

This night off? What do you mean? Bunny Morris is there waiting.

This night off? This night?! This is THE night, love!

-FUSE SIZZLES

-Fucking hell! Fucking house!

Oh, but, Ray...

Ray, Ray, what?

D'you get her dress from the dry-cleaner's OK? Yeah?

Sadie, love, you pick up the dress?

Oh, no, you forgot it.

I've been so busied with her, Ray.

Jesus Christ!

-Watch me furniture!

-Furniture?!

Now, then, a novelty act noveller than any I know.

So please give a big Mr Boo welcome

to Brenda Bailey

and her farmyard frolics!

APPLAUSE

-BOTH LAUGH

-Fuck that.

You only had to do two things. Get the dress and have her ready.

I know. I'm sorry, darling.

Don't be crossy with your rolling puss puss.

Never mind all that crap.

Good boy.

Where's LV? Have you seen Ray Say or LV?

Christ. Trigger, you'd better string it out a bit,

do an extra five minutes.

I'll do my blindfold bit.

Ohh, no...

Give that the once over with th'iron.

What, she's not even dressed?

I'll have to get someone else to look after her.

Ray, no. What are you saying?

You're too quiet to be me friend, you. Fuck off!

Eh, I'm doing it now,

Ray, love. Yes, I am.

'So a big welcome, please, to Wild Trigger Smith'

and the lovely Elaine!

# Rolling rolling rolling! Rolling rolling rolling!

# Rolling rolling rolling, rawhide! #

Leave it! Aargh! Fuckin' house!

Oh, Ray, Ray...

What?! What?!

Kiss me.

We haven't got time!

Hey, lover...

Stop clinging! You're all over me, all the time, like the bloody pox!

Don't spoil it, Raymondo.

We go so well together.

We go nowhere. For a start, you're past it. Your body's gone.

When your clothes go it's all over the place.

There's no way you're coming with me and her to better things, no way!

LV, You've got ten fucking seconds!

AS MARILYN: "I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop."

All you're doing is getting in the way.

You were in the way the first night I heard her.

And you're still in the way now.

Christ, do you think I don't have birds I go to?

Don't you think it's like putting my face in flowers after you?

You've had it, Mari.

For God's sake,

wise up, woman, eh?

Eh?

(And fuck off.)

# Rawhide! #

Elaine, are you still there?

Get them off. You go on.

They're doing fine.

< Aaah!

Curtains!

Ta. A big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for Wild Trigger Smith

and the lovely, lucky Elaine!

SHE SOBS

Sadie!

What are you doing? Here, get this on.

Come on, I've had enough of you lot tonight. Dress on, now. Move it!

AS CILLA BLACK: "Hello, No 1. What's ya name and where do you come from?"

What?

"Hello, everybody. This is Mrs Norman Maine."

Stop messing. We're late.

# So hurry up before they shut the gate. #

Save it for the punters.

# Click clack. There's music in the clatter of the clogs. #

I'm warning you!

AS JUDY GARLAND: "I'll sing 'em all and we'll stay all night."

AS MARILYN: "See what I mean? Not very bright."

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL

"Run, Toto, run!"

Stop it, LV.

# When you smile, smile, smile, smile, smile... #

Don't crack now. We're on our way.

# Happy together!

# Unhappy together! #

Why?

# Because because because because, because of the wonderful things he does.#

-I warned you.

-"Shame on you!"

"Never mind your teeth, leave 'em out!"

-SWITCH CRACKLES

-Fucking house!

SIZZLING

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

"LIONS and TIGERS and BEARS, OH MY!"