A Good Woman

When I was going through my wardrobe

I found an extra hairpin on the floor.

That's nothing. I found her hair in my bed!

# Just another tragedy of a down and out, I guess

# For I'm selling the thing that means everything

# To my life and my happiness...#

'Some women bring happiness wherever they go.

'Others, whenever they go.

'I do both.

'Husbands like to see me come.

'Wives prefer to see me go.'

There she is! That's her.

Whose husband didn't she sleep with?

Who's she with now?

Who knows?

She's older than I thought.

Shh! Look, look! Watch.

This'll teach her.

I'm sorry, Mrs Erlynne, but that account was closed -

by Mrs Fairchild.

I wish you'd told me before I ordered the Bordeaux.

What Bordeaux, Mrs Erlynne?

Joe, you're my kind of guy.

Is she behind me?

In the blue.

Charge it to Senator Kleghorn.

That's Mrs Kleghorn sitting next to Mrs Fairchild.

What a small world.

And Mrs Winters on her right.

Oh. And getting smaller.

You wanna go out the back?

No, no. If you go out the back...

You'll never come in the front, Joe.

A lady always leaves the way she came.

Just look at her. I thought my husband had more taste.

So sorry to hear you're leaving us, Mrs Erlynne.

I'm leaving you?

I'll prepare your bill.

# I ask you to make me an offer

# I don't know how much it will be

# It isn't a lot, but it's all I've got

# Who'll buy an old gold ring?

# It's known me as poor as a beggar

# And it's known me as rich as a king

# And it's known me in hell and in heaven as well

# Who'll buy an old gold ring?... #

'My sudden change in circumstance

'was not the only reason for my departure.

'The Italian coast in summer attracts the rich and famous.

'I'm infamous and poor.

'Close enough.

'One door closes, another opens.

'Sometimes that door is not the one you expect.

'I saw my chance and decided to take it.'

Meg, dear! Come along, come along.

Ah, Giuseppina.

THEY CONVERSE IN ITALIAN

It's the best glove shop in the city.

She'll give you a good discount.

But-but, Robert...

Yes, no, now you go along.

I'll find your husband. Don't worry. Go along.

This way, Madame.

These are pretty.

Your hand looks about right.

I beg your pardon?

My little sister.

She was adamant about details but neglected to tell me the size.

Would you mind?

Oh, no, of course not.

It's always a little snug the first time.

Maybe you should take off your ring?

It's my wedding ring. I never take it off.

The other hand, then.

Ahem.

No need to button it. You can see it fits perfectly.

< Lord Darlington, you depraved man!

What have you been up to?

Ignore him, Meg, dear. He's a great sinner

but an excellent bridge partner

or I would never tolerate him.

Do you know each other?

The year I spent in London.

Margaret, I told you about John.

You've, uh-you've met?

No, not really. It's nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure, Mrs Windemere.

Your wife was helping me select gloves for my mother.

Your sister, you said.

Either one.

We should have dinner. Where are you staying?

The grand, but we're trying to find a villa.

So late in the season? I warned you...

I know one that's come available.

Isn't it an election year in the Wild West?

Who says I'm running?

It's perfect! It's beautiful!

Did I mention the ghosts?

It's everything I imagined.

I feel like a princess in a fairy tale.

You are a princess.

That's cos I married the prince.

I have her completely fooled, poor girl.

If I could fool a woman as pretty as your wife

I wouldn't be a bachelor.

Now you've made her blush.

Don't be silly. Come and see the paintings.

Come on.

Lady Plymdale?

Oh, is she the one with the big...

Feet. Enormous feet.

Poor old Plymdale.

- Ace, queen, king, jack. - No honours.

No, no, no. John's yacht, John's rules.

Have it. Thank you.

Huge feet. Pontoons.

If desire had an antidote, it would be those pontoons of hers.

I grow ill thinking of them.

How many times have you been divorced, Tuppy?

Three, four? I've simply lost count.

- That's bigamy. - Bigamy's having one wife too many.

So's monogamy!

One should always have a proper basis for marriage.

A mutual...

- ..misunderstanding? - Exactly.

A man can't be happy with one woman.

A man can be happy with any woman a long as he doesn't love her.

For a man who's never thought of getting married,

you seem to know an awful lot about it.

I thought very seriously of marrying.

That's why I'm still single.

Hear, hear!

I just haven't met the right woman, that's all.

Look at Cecil, still with Edna.

One keeps one's eyes wide open before the wedding

and half-shut after. That's all there is to it.

Exactly.

John?

I fancy raising the stakes.

Oh! Lucky blighter!

You don't look as if you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, I am. It's a very nice party.

Can I get you a drink?

No, thank you, I don't drink.

You don't drink?

Do I seem like a prig?

No, of course not.

It's the way I was raised.

In a convent?

By my aunt Julia, my father's sister.

My mother died when I was very little.

It's the only picture I have of her.

My father never remarried.

She's every bit as beautiful as her daughter.

Have I offended you?

I meant it as a compliment.

You pay me too many compliments, Lord Darlington.

I'll stop at once.

Thank you.

Just so you know, I meant every one of them.

You pretend to be bad, but you're not, really.

There is no good or bad.

People are either charming or tedious.

If I've been the latter, I sincerely apologise.

I'd like us to become friends.

We already are, aren't we?

Well, not if you keep flattering mew

and paying me silly compliments.

Define silly.

I want your word.

I find the best way to keep my word is never to give it.

MEN CONVERSE IN ITALIAN

HE SHOUTS IN ITALIAN

Buongiorno!

Look, it has to be something really special.

My wife's birthday?

HE RESPONDS IN ITALIAN

What do you think?

The sapphire matches your eyes.

It's for my wife.

A man should never buy his wife jewellery.

And why is that?

It makes her wonder what he bought his mistress.

My wife has nothing to wonder about.

She's a lucky woman.

If I were your wife, this is what I'd want.

A fan?

Not for stirring the air, for stirring the heart.

For centuries, an erotic language

between men and women.

If a woman placed it on her breast like this,

it meant, "I love you."

"When can I see you?"

"Wait for me."

"You may kiss me."

"We're being watched."

I'm sold.

Quanto?

No, non la vendita. Not for sale.

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

My mama...

Real gold.

If you give him everything

who's going to buy me an espresso?

Oh, my back!

DOGS YAP

And Americans everywhere.

You'd never know there was a depression in that country.

SHE ORDERS IN ITALIAN

They don't shop. They pillage!

And they speak loudly.

Could the entire nation be hard-of-hearing?

Something in the diet, perhaps?

But we have American friends, mama.

Well, they don't need to know what we say about them, dear.

If everyone knew what everyone said of each other

there wouldn't be four friends in the world.

I like America.

Name me another society that's come from barbarism

to decadence without bothering to create a civilization in between.

A tribute to American efficiency.

There's Mr Windemere.

Ooh, he must join us, then.

Hoo-oooh!

He can't see you, mama.

Who's that with him?

Looks like his wife.

No, I don't think it is.

I can't see now. They're getting into the car.

It must be the wife if she's getting into the car.

It wasn't her.

Then I must know who it is!

I think we should mind our own business.

My own business bores me.

I much prefer other people's.

Poor little Meg, she's so sweet.

And the girl has no mother.

I want to take her to my breast.

I had a similar thought.

I don't suppose Mr Windemere would be pleased to hear it.

Marital bliss is a great burden

to place on two people, Tuppy.

Sometimes a third person is needed to lighten the load.

It would seem Mr Windemere agrees with you.

CHURCH BELLS TOLLS

BELL TOLLS AGAIN

I can guess what you were doing.

Shopping for my birthday present?

I was right.

What did you get?

Not a thing. You're too old for presents.

A hint?

A tiny speck of a hint?

You have to wait and see.

Perfume?

Stop it!

A book of poems?

Um, a dress?

A crocodile handbag like the one the Contessa has

with the little claws hanging off the bottom.

No more guessing.

Robert?

Mm-hmm?

Promise we won't end up like those

old married couples sitting opposite each other

at dinner twiddling our forks with nothing to say.

You, with nothing to say?

I promise.

We'll always tell each other the truth?

Except around birthdays.

Ooh! You're feisty. What have you been reading?

What do you mean?

No, it's nice.

Turn out the lights.

But I like to see you.

Please?

< I'll take them all.

Excuse me.

< Yes, I bought a suit.

< It's being altered for Margaret Windemere.

< Ah, Mrs Windemere!

< One moment, please.

< Thank you.

Forgive me.

You're American, aren't you?

I'm from New York. Mrs Erlynne.

Rhode Island. Mrs Windemere.

I need an opinion from home.

Now, be honest.

Would you wear it?

Well, it doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it?

That depends on the imagination.

Some men have more than others.

I suppose it's certainly immodest.

Do you think it's vulgar?

Some people might.

Is your husband with you?

I'd love a man's opinion.

I can tell you, he's very conservative.

A woman doesn't always know her own husband.

Oh, I know Robert. We've been married over a year.

A year? Practically forever.

Here it is, signora. >

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much. Come back again to see us.

Yes.

Good-bye.

You're not taking the hat?

The colour looks perfect on you.

Don't you like it?

No, I have nowhere to wear it.

It's not exactly church on Sunday.

Why not?

Can you imagine what people would say?

If we're always guided by other people's thoughts

what's the point of having our own?

It was nice meeting you, Mrs Erwin.

Erlynne.

Erlynne!

She was staying in a pensione.

Now she's in a villa a few minutes from the club!

Shush!

He's there!

I can't help seeing him.

He comes and goes all hours of the day.

Of course, in public, she's always with other men.

She wears nothing but the latest fashions.

Somebody must be giving her a very generous allowance.

And she'll have her hand in Tuppy's pocket next

if he doesn't wake up.

She's nothing better than a common prostitute!

Shush!

And Mrs Windemere has no idea?

None at all.

Oh, terribly sorry.

She must be on the terrace.

I didn't mean to frighten you.

Yes, you did.

Yes, I did. What's that?

I'm making a menu for my birthday party.

What's Italian for lobster?

Aragosta.

Aragosta.

Very good.

Now you've made me hungry. Leave it.

Come on, everyone's lunching at the club.

OK, I'll get Robert.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes?

I thought you agreed not to call me at home.

How can I seduce you if you always bring your husband?

Too slow!

All right.

Yes, yes, I'll be there.

In an hour.

Robert! >

OK, in an hour. Bye.

Robert, we're going to lunch.

Can't. Sorry.

You're working.

Money never sleeps.

Bugger!

All paying jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

You've never had a paying job.

I rest my case.

Cultivated leisure is man's true calling.

I'm going to have to send some telegrams in town.

I'll wait for you.

I'll be all afternoon.

I don't want you to waste the day.

Do you mind, John?

Do I mind?

No, of course not.

Now, if you have to escort that woman to the opera

please don't sit with us.

Think of Alessandra.

Mrs Erlynne has her own seats.

And who do you think pays for her seats?

Her uncle just died.

She's come into some money.

And Mr Windemere's visits?

He's managing her investments, of course.

You're so fond of gossip

you don't give the truth a chance to put its pants on.

It's not the truth that's going without pants, Tuppy.

Would you mind not smoking?

It makes me feel so romantic.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

How is that romantic?

And the women are all so fleshy.

Excuse me, that's my foot.

Right over here?

(What did I tell you?)

HE CHASTISES THE BOY IN ITALIAN

Fried anchovies and clams in a bag. Delicious.

Careful, it's hot.

You told Robert we were going to the club.

I have a very poor sense of direction.

You have a very poor sense of decorum.

I never use that word. I'm not sure what it means.

At the club, we'd be with other people.

You're right.

Here we are, in the sunshine

eating fish literally just off the boat

when we could be squashed between Lord Tubby

and Cecil the scintillating -

listening to one or the other gripe about his digestion.

While the Contessa, in a counter-medley

wails that Alessandra cares more for the mating habits

of the blue-bellied finch than those of her own species.

And the widow Plymdale bats her eyes longingly

at every passing pair of trou.

All of which, mind you, is time well spent in my book.

So, yes, I take your point. I can't argue.

At the club, we'd be with other people.

Afraid we'll be seen?

Set the chins wagging?

Do you know what I find worse than being talked about?

Not being talked about at all.

Mrs Erlynne will see you upstairs.

In her bedroom.

Thank you.

I won't be long.

I won't be long!

This is expensive.

Nothing but the best for you.

I know. I paid for it.

Well, there is that.

Should we be drinking this early in the day?

Well, somewhere in the world it's very late.

I don't want you thinking I make a habit of this.

Is that why you look so guilty?

I don't like lying to her.

I should go.

She's only gone to lunch.

This is all the cash I have right now.

I'll set you up with an account.

You can draw on it directly.

I met Meg.

It was by chance.

It's all right. She had no idea who I was.

You spoke to her?

Mm-hmm. For a minute.

She's very pretty.

How did you two meet?

Was it love at first sight?

I have to go.

I'm curious.

It's only natural.

There's no point to these questions.

Do you love her?

Very much.

I'd rather cut off my arm than see Meg hurt.

Are you protecting her or your reputation?

You don't know me at all.

Did he work on your wedding night?

No! No.

He's...

He's very conscientious

and I respect him for it.

Suppose it wasn't work.

Suppose he had a mistress.

Well, I couldn't respect that.

Once a wife's been betrayed

she has the freedom to do likewise.

No, that would make her as bad as her husband, wouldn't it?

Modern marriage thrives on mutual deception.

Robert and I are completely honest with each other.

You should make him your model.

I intend to

from this moment on.

Don't you like it?

Oh, I'm saving it for Robert.

He loves figs.

Share mine, then.

Can we go to the telegraph office?

Um, he probably hasn't eaten.

Alberto?

Fabrizio?

What's his name?

Mario?

Barman.

Whisky.

And another thing

your Mrs Erlynne has no principles at all.

Oh, I like people more than principles.

And people without principles even better.

But Lord Augustus, she only wants you for your money.

Now, why shouldn't she?

It's my best asset.

Oldish, fattish,

absolutely no brain,

heaps and heaps of banknotes.

No need to put yourself down, Tuppy.

Your friends can always do that.

Hear, hear.

Down by the marina, strolling along,

pretty as you please,

guess who I saw with Lord Darlington?

They haven't seen him today.

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Do you know where my husband is?

I thought he left after you, signora.

Robert?

Hey. How was lunch?

We went to the telegraph office.

Where were you?

Well, we...

We must have just missed each other.

APPLAUSE

Now I see uncle.

He's with the American woman.

Too much rouge and not enough clothing.

She's appealing to the worst in the poor man.

It's what women do best.

I heard she left New York without paying her hotel bill.

Quite a scandal.

Who, someone you know?

Someone you don't want to know.

No. Steer clear.

She's the one with Lord Augustus.

You've met Mrs Erlynne, haven't you?

No.

But I've seen you.

Oww!

-Ooh, was that

-your

-foot?

Wherever do you find shoes to fit?

My feet are in perfect proportion to the rest of me.

Oh, yes, of course.

Though I admit they have a habit

of finding themselves in peculiar places.

Those people are staring right at us.

Who?

Oh, don't worry about them.

It's my brother's wife and her friend Lady Plymdale.

Lord Plymdale passed on last year.

Liver, I think.

Poor woman.

Oh, yes. Very sad.

Her hair turned quite gold with grief.

Erlynne, that's right.

Yeah, she-she came into some money.

I made an investment for her.

An inheritance, I suppose.

Yes.

Ah, the woman in the shop.

I told you, remember? The dress.

No back and almost no front.

You could see everything. It was indecent.

You're just not used to Italian fashions, that's all.

Oh, no, I'm sure your wife is on the mark, Mr Windemere.

Mrs Erlynne is a notorious jezebel.

That's a slanderous statement.

If you can't back it up, I wouldn't repeat it.

Robert always gives everybody the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sorry. I-I just don't like gossip.

Gossip's all right.

It's the moralizing that's in poor taste.

She's got her eye on me, if you know what I mean.

So I wouldn't worry about what they say about you.

It's all cats in a bag.

Why? What do they say about me?

That I'm a wanton woman?

Brazen...

with a past.

A brazen woman. Oh, dear.

Well, you're very brazen yourself

to be seen in my company.

Well, I've got a bit of a past myself, you know.

Married and divorced twice.

Well, every experience is of value.

And whatever you say about marriage

it certainly is an experience.

People call something an experience

they usually mean it was a mistake.

I couldn't agree more.

We've all got a couple of skeletons in the closet.

If they're going to rattle, they may as well dance.

You're absolutely right.

Mmm. Whenever anyone agrees with me

I'm sure I must be wrong.

Oh, you like to be the odd man out, do you?

Well, I'll never understand women.

Women don't want to be understood.

They want to be loved.

You're dead wrong on that.

You're very understanding.

That girl in lilac, do you know her?

Um, oh, yes, yes.

It's Robert's wife.

Um, newlyweds. All lovey-dovey. Very charming.

Really?

Well, I wish she'd stop staring at me.

She isn't at all.

Those women must be giving her an earful.

You mustn't mind.

I don't as a rule.

Look, it's terribly stuffy in here.

I can hardly breathe.

Shall we go? Would you mind?

I can't think of anything I'd mind less.

Good.

I can't believe it.

She's got him.

Poor Tuppy.

Shall I get a taxi?

Could we walk?

Why not.

Beautiful city.

The Romans call it the land of the sirens

from Homer's Odyssey.

Is that so? Mmm.

Aren't you clever?

I read it somewhere.

Oh, I like a good read myself.

But nothing too laborious.

I don't want to tamper with natural ignorance.

It's the key to happiness.

Do you really think so?

Oh, absolutely. Good health, it's important

but ignorance is the key.

Too much knowledge, and you're doomed.

Well, here we are.

Aren't you going to invite me in for a nightcap?

The sirens were said

to be half woman, half monster.

They lured the sailors with their songs.

The ships crashed on the rocks, and the men all drowned.

Oh, let's go in.

You can tell me more about it.

Poor Lady Plymdale.

I think she really likes Tuppy.

Where do you suppose they went?

Who?

Tuppy and Mrs Erlynne.

Probably back to her apartment.

Probably.

Do you think he'll invite her to my party?

I'll make sure he doesn't.

Well, don't be mean about it.

Of course not.

It's just...

I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable, you know?

Someone like that, it makes things awkward.

Yes.

You can say it's a small party -

private, just friends. No investors.

All right!

Hey, it's not just girl gossip.

John Darlington knows all about it.

He said her friend is a married man.

It's disgusting.

You know what? People like to hear themselves talk.

Why do you insist on defending her?

I'm not defending her.

Yes, you are.

Let's drop it.

It's just...

Well, should you be helping her invest?

I mean, everyone knows how she came into the money.

It just doesn't look right.

New topic.

Close your eyes.

Robert...

Close your eyes.

It's after midnight.

Happy birthday.

It's beautiful.

Do you like it?

Robert...

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh, my.

Grazie.

Prego.

You like it?

Food is the rock on which we build.

No love is pure and simple as the love of food.

Love is rarely pure, Lord Augustus, and never simple.

I don't think you've been in love, Mrs Erlynne.

You may presume to call me Stella

but don't presume to know my heart.

For your information, I'm always in love.

Good.

Excellent attitude.

And you're beautiful.

Smart, too.

Smarter than me, I expect

but that's not saying much, I'm afraid.

No, I think I'll do very well to marry you.

How very practical.

Oh, I've begun too many romances out of sentiment.

They always end in settlement.

I could listen to you all night, Lord Augustus.

Tuppy, please.

You'll think about my offer?

Men don't marry women like me.

There aren't any women like you.

At least, not among the women that I've met

and you can imagine I've met my share.

I was married.

I didn't take to it.

People change.

You might feel differently.

When I think of it, I think of a room

where you can't open a window.

Where there is no window.

Every day you wake up, and the room is smaller.

You don't notice, not at first.

It happens slowly.

In inches.

Then one morning, you open your eyes

and the room's so small

you...

You can't move.

You can't take a breath.

You have to get out.

You can't think of anything else

or anyone else.

You married the wrong man, that's all.

He married the wrong woman.

It's late.

It's time for bed.

Sleep.

"...perchance to dream."

That's the Bard, you know.

I'm a bit of a reader myself.

So you said. Good night, Tuppy.

I hate the taste of tobacco.

Oh.

Well, that's it then.

I quit. On the spot.

What else can I tell you?

I'm a very rich man, you know.

You're a very nice man.

Go to bed.

You know, I'm glad I quit.

Filthy habit, really.

Good night.

Is there gonna be a lion tamer

or is it just the usual clowns?

Robert was afraid it might rain.

I really just wanted a few people for dinner

but he said, "You only turn 21 once."

I know plenty of very respectable women

who, of their own accord, turn 35 year after year.

I'm sure you can be 21 as many times.

I think it's silly to lie about your age.

You have no redeeming vices.

I hope not.

Happy birthday.

The invitation said no gifts.

That's why I brought it now.

It's too expensive.

Ih... I know you don't mean anything by it

but it just wouldn't look right.

Gold looks right with everything.

Just wear it. No one has to know.

Well, I'd know.

I do mean something by it.

Please.

It's a gift of friendship, Maggie.

Please. Now, you'll hurt me deeply if you refuse.

Now look what you've made me do.

A little sincerity can be a very dangerous thing.

Any more of it could be fatal.

Now just take the damn thing

before I die and ruin your terrace.

It's very pretty. Thank you.

Where's Robert?

Off sending another telegram?

Signora, the florist is waiting for his money.

He'll have to get it from Mr Windemere.

I'm sorry. Can he come back later?

Doesn't Robert keep a chequebook in his office?

Can you sign on the account?

Ah, yes, of course.

Uh, tell him to wait.

I'll see you tonight.

People don't always behave the way we expect.

In fact, it's really just the opposite.

The truth is I don't want to see you hurt.

What are you talking about?

You may need a friend one of these days.

When you do, I'm here.

Will you remember that?

Yes, of course.

I came as quickly as I could.

We're all so distressed over it.

But you mustn't take it personally.

Mrs Erlynne is one of those women

that attract men like a bee to a flame.

Eh?

A moth.

Bee to a moth. Mmm.

There must be some other explanation.

I have an idea.

Shall we go for a walk?

Hmm?

Tesoro, when there's marriage without love

there'll be love without marriage.

No, but Robert and I married for love.

You married for love, of course. And so did I.

But before the year was over

Benito was lifting all kinds of petticoats.

I had to dismiss my best maid.

Oh, no, no.

I remember.

I passed her on to my cousin.

Oh, her husband was so short-sighted, I thought.

But he navigated by scent, it seems.

So unfortunate.

Believe me, darling.

It happens to us all.

Undying love is like the ghost in your villa.

Everybody talks about it, but try and find one person

who has seen it.

Come on. Come on.

May I ask you a favour?

Anything at all.

About, uh, Mrs Erlynne.

Ah...

Very clever woman.

She threw me out last night.

Knows what a fool I am.

Knows it as well as I do myself.

She's meeting me here for tea, though.

It's a great thing, I tell you

to come across a woman who thoroughly understands me.

Would you mind, uh, not bringing her to our party tonight?

That's the favour?

Well, Meg feels it might make things awkward.

So it's true, then.

I didn't believe it.

I-I don't believe it now. You don't seem the type

though I will say Mrs Erlynne's damn fascinating.

Hard to resist. But...

you're not serious, are you?

I warn you, you'll have to fight me for her.

And I'm a man in love.

What are you talking about?

This way, Mrs Erlynne.

- Grazie. - Prego.

Come with me.

Where are you taking me?

Let go of my arm.

I have to talk to you.

I'm meeting Lord Augustus.

You must leave Amalfi at once.

Leave?

And go where?

You've paid my rent here for the season.

I'll pay it somewhere else.

I want you on the first plane out tomorrow.

- I don't understand. - People are talking!

About us.

I don't see the humour.

Bury a real secret

and a false one a pops up in its place?

There's a certain irony, you have to admit.

I'm not ready to leave.

I'm enjoying myself here.

I'm begging you.

Think of Meg.

If she knew that you were her mother.

It would destroy her.

Meg, or the magnificent Windemeres?

Family scandal is unhealthy for aspiring politicians.

I'm not the only pragmatist in this room.

Pragmatist?

20 years

and not a word.

You turn up when she marries a man with money.

You call that pragmatism? I can think of other words.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

Do you have any?

That can't be purchased, I mean.

How much

to get you on the first flight out?

I feel every time he's kissed me, it's filthy.

A lie every minute we've been together.

How could he?

Every man is born truthful, and every man dies a liar.

Now, whatever you do, you mustn't make a scene.

It's too unpleasant, and you waste energy.

No, of course not. I wouldn't.

Crying is the refuge of plain women.

Pretty women go shopping.

Be on that plane.

I'll send the cash.

Did I hear you correctly?

That Meg Windemere is your daughter?

My daughter?

Robert's wife?

Yes.

How dare you.

She must be 20 at least.

Her mother?

Do I look as old as all that?

No, no, no.

Of course not.

I, um...

I must've nodded off.

You were dozing.

Go back to sleep.

Come on.

Oh, no. No business tonight.

We can talk another day.

- Hey, good to see you. - Lovely party.

More champagne.

Welcome. Have a great party.

Hey, Hubert.

Good evening, Mr Dumby.

Oh, good evening, Mrs Stutfield.

Last party of the season, I suppose.

It's been a delightful season, hasn't it?

Oh, yes! Quite delightful.

Good evening, Lady Plymdale.

Well, here it is, the last party of the season.

Oh, I suppose so.

It's been a very dull season, though, hasn't it?

Oh, yes, dreadfully dull.

Evening, Cecil.

Hello, Dumby.

I suppose this will be the last party of the season.

Oh, surely not.

Probably two more at least.

Oh, I say, Darlington, I had the oddest dream today.

A bit of it has just come back to me.

So what are we drinking?

Where's the birthday girl?

Transforming herself.

Sausages and women.

If you want to enjoy the experience

never watch the preparation of either.

JAZZ MUSIC COVERS PLEASANTRIES

CHATTER DIES AWAY

Is that new?

Just out of the box. Do you like it?

You might be a little cold. I'll get you a wrap.

And spoil the lines? Didn't your friend

teach you anything about Italian fashion?

My friend?

I saw the cheques. Don't even.

Ah, Lady Plymdale.

So good of you to come.

Do you want another glass of champagne?

I'd love some.

Let's get us both some.

Why don't you ask me how I am?

I like people to ask me how I am.

It shows a widespread interest in my health

and you can't imagine how comforting that is.

Lovely party, eh?

How are you, Cecil?

Oh, not well at all.

I-I'd like Alessandra to meet Mr Hopper from Australia.

Would you introduce her?

I-would you just excuse me for one moment?

Go with Mr Windemere.

Thank you.

She's my last, you know.

I will miss her.

But it's best to get them out of the nest

before they turn on you.

Girls begin by loving their mothers

but as they grow, they judge us.

Rarely do they forgive us.

Oh, poor fool.

He'll never learn.

Which fool? Don't make me choose.

Tuppy.

He's brought Mrs Erlynne.

All the women will snub her. You wait and see.

She may have better luck with the men.

It is because of men that women distrust other women.

Women don't trust women. Men don't trust women.

No one trusts women.

It's what binds the Hindu and the Catholic.

I know I promised, but I must tell you

how beautiful you look tonight.

Well, if you must, you must.

Ah, I beg your pardon.

I was looking for someone else.

-Well, you found

-me.

Mrs Erlynne.

May I call you Stella?

Lord Augustus is getting me champagne.

You and I can trade favours.

Tempting, but no.

And I'd rather he didn't see us

standing out here under the moonlight.

He might misunderstand.

Hear me out.

Windemere's fortune exceeds Tuppy's.

Why change horses now?

You can have what you want, and Meg's free.

Free?

She hasn't the courage to leave him.

But if it's clear to her that he's with you...

He's not.

You've been buying idle gossip, Lord Darlington.

You should get a refund.

Excuse me.

I-I had to invite her, Dumby.

The point is she's a changed woman, transformed.

You can see it in her eyes.

Do you think she'd look at you if you were poor?

Do you think I'd look at her if she were ugly?

Fair's fair, exchange rates and so forth.

Well, I know she's had her this and her that

but if a man can tolerate his own past

why not a past in his wife?

At any rate, it's wipe the slate.

Clean start.

She and I, we...

We understand each other.

And you know what they say, every saint has a past.

Every sinner has a future.

And...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm going to ask her to marry me if she'll have me.

You know, you know why they call it an altar, Tuppy?

It's where they make human sacrifices.

I had a dream about Mrs Erlynne today.

Yes, well...

You couldn't help it, I suppose.

She, uh-she is quite the woman.

But, um, in the future

please try to dream of someone else.

Well...

Don't you think you've had enough?

Lovely party.

Thanks for coming.

Meg?

I have to change.

Did you see her?

Don't.

You're lovely.

It's ridiculous on a woman her age.

Why didn't you tell me?

You said you were my friend.

Men and women can't be friends.

Meg.

No.

Can you stay with him?

Can you...

Can you get into bed with him tonight?

Tomorrow night, nights after that?

You said yourself, there's no forgiving a man

who betrays his wife.

And what will you choose, false degrading marriage

or your own true self, free of compromise.

I've loved you from the beginning.

It's the truth.

Moment you held out your hand to me in the glove shop.

I thought, "there she is."

And then, suppose I'd walked by without stopping?

Just the thought of it.

I've never loved anyone until now.

Stop.

John!

Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

I'm looking for Meg.

If you see her, it's important.

Have you had a row?

A misunderstanding.

Try the bar.

Tuppy's given up smokes for her.

Women.

Women inspire us to great things.

Then somehow prevent us from doing any of them.

Look at him, he's proposing to her.

If she says yes, it'll be his third time up the aisle.

Hope trumps experience, Dumby.

It's god's joke on the human race.

He's quite convinced she's changed her spots.

Care to make it interesting?

I told you I was serious.

Hasn't anyone warned you against me?

Oh, yes. Everyone.

Put it away.

Now, you don't have to love me right away.

Think of the money.

Suppose I marry you and in a year your investments go sour.

I'll be stuck with a pauper.

On the other hand, I could drop dead

on the golf course next Tuesday

and you'd be left very well-appointed.

Life's a gamble, Stella.

I don't know what to say.

People say too much as it is.

Mrs Windemere and Mrs Erlynne.

Look like mother and daughter, don't they?

They're wearing the same dress.

Well, that'll be it.

Come away with me.

We could set sail tonight.

Please.

Is this your idea of a joke?

I need to speak to you.

It's about Darlington.

Follow me.

He's in love with Meg.

I know we said cash, so I'm raising the amount.

I want you to leave now.

I'd be more concerned if I were you.

You're not me.

And Darlington's not the problem.

The problem is I've been lying to my wife

and I'm not very good at it.

I can add up the rumours and show her a big fat zero.

I'm Tuppy's girl. Case closed.

I'll do my own explaining. Just get out.

I'd like to say good-bye to her.

You said good-bye to her 20 years ago.

No second chances.

I'll leave first.

We shouldn't walk out together.

You're the expert.

Count to 100.

Mrs Windemere?

'Dear Robert...

'I thought our marriage was perfect.

'I thought we would always be together.

'If you love Mrs Erlynne, you should be with her.

'I feel so foolish.

'Everyone knew but me.'

Meg?

Meg.

Meg, let me in. I want to talk to you.

Please, open the door.

There is nothing between me and Stella Erlynne.

How can you think it?

She's old, for God's sake.

She dyes her hair.

She...paints her face like an Indian.

She's a cold, selfish woman.

Not at all attractive once you know her.

Look, she was going to damage someone.

A person who'd never done her any harm.

She came here with a secret...

that would have broken your heart.

Look, I wanted to tell you.

I just didn't know how.

Look, I was trying to protect you.

You have to believe me.

She asked me for money, and I gave it to her.

I'm not proud of being blackmailed...

And I didn't know what else to do.

I should have told you at the start.

I'm not lying to you now.

I...

I love you.

And there's no other woman in my heart...

Or in my bed.

Meg, please open the door.

I... We've both had too much champagne.

We can talk in the morning.

Thank you for coming.

- Good night. - Lovely party. Good night.

I'll see you at the club.

There's the girl.

I thought you'd fallen in with...

Take Windemere to the club.

Keep him out late, all night if you can.

Get him drunk if you have to.

Just don't let him come home.

Why?

What? What?

I like you, I do.

But if this is going to work between us...

You can't do that.

What? Do what?

Where? What? Why?

I can't always explain myself to myself...

Let alone anyone else.

Well, good for you.

Takes the pressure off.

Nine times out of 10, men don't give two pins about why.

They just feel obliged to take an interest.

So, I'll do exactly as you wish...

And I'll feel as if we're married already.

Oh, can you get yourself home all right?

Why, Tuppy...

You're the first man who's ever asked me that.

I don't need to be the first, Stella.

Just the last.

DOOR OPENS

There's a taxi waiting at the end of the dock.

My husband sent you.

Your husband thinks you're in bed...

sleeping off a litre of Perrier Jouet.

Let's go.

He gave me money, that's all.

I'm an old friend of the family, and I had him over a barrel.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Married to a man you love...

And running off in the middle of the night

with an international playboy?

Do I think you're stupid?

This is none of your business.

You think just because hems are higher and woman can vote

anything has really changed for us?

Friends will stop calling.

He'll be invited into homes you're not.

You manage.

Don't compare yourself.

It takes practice and skill to live without regret.

A marriage takes your whole heart.

Selfish people can't pull it off...

But you are not that.

You can succeed where the rest of us fail.

Why should I believe you?

Don't believe me, believe him.

He's been faithful to you, I'll swear it on my life.

He told you to lie.

He doesn't even know you're here.

He never has to know.

You want me to lie on top of a lie?

Everything's spoiled between us. I can't.

- What's happened to you? - Let go of me!

Who taught you to be so unforgiving?

You made a mistake, don't make it worse.

You're hurting me!

You shut your eyes to everything that isn't perfect.

You're just asking to fall into a hole.

Fine.

Go ahead.

Step over love to pick up pride and guilt.

What will that trade be worth in a year?

In 20?

THEY LAUGH

I've been throwing buns in that club...

Big boat, Darlington.

Does it really have to be so big?

You know what they say about men with big boats.

Yes.

I should be getting home.

You'll take a cigar, surely?

I thought you'd quit for the love of a good woman.

Good woman isn't exactly the moniker...

I'd choose for Mrs Erlynne.

You make her out to be the devil's handmaiden.

She's nothing of the sort.

Dumby and I are just concerned

for your future, aren't we, Dumby?

Devilish women are a bother, and good ones are a bore.

That's the only difference.

Mrs Erlynne is neither a bother nor a bore.

Well, you change your habits, but I doubt she'll change hers.

I've bet Dumby 50 quid.

Now, now, enough of this.

I won't hear any more words said against her.

She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

My dear Tuppy, in this world there are only two tragedies.

One is not getting what one wants...

The other is getting it.

The last is much the worst.

The last is a real tragedy.

Marriage - it has its pains, ask Edna.

Celibacy has no pleasures.

What would you know about celibacy?

I can learn.

If it will prove my love.

A woman who needs proof?

Before she'll leave her husband.

John, you are a cad.

We're all in the gutter.

But some of us are looking at the stars.

# What men call gallantry

# And God's adultery is far more common

# Where the climate's sultry... #

That's the one I bought Meg.

For her birthday.

You sure?

She must have left it last week when you came for lunch.

She was carrying it tonight.

One fan looks very much like another.

John?

I... I have no idea.

Meg's not... Not here, is she?

No, of course not.

What's that?

I didn't hear anything.

She's downstairs.

Listen, Robert, calm down.

You've had too much...

Don't make an ass of yourself.

Bloody hell.

Too late.

Bloody hell.

We better put some ice on that. It's going to swell.

I thought it was mine.

I must have picked up Mrs Windemere's by mistake.

Tuppy, I swear, I had no idea.

You owe Cecil 50 quid. Sorry.

Seems I'm the ass, Windemere. Not you.

I spent the night on John's boat.

I had too much to drink.

Can I ask you to forgive me?

I did something very stupid last night.

I...

You're not in my league. I made a complete ass of myself.

Ruined it for poor Tuppy. Better now than later, I guess.

Tuppy?

His engagement to Mrs Erlynne is off.

What are you talking about?

Last night on John's yacht...

Mrs Erlynne was waiting in his bedroom.

Look, I was drunk. I thought...

I saw your fan. I thought that...

Oh, I didn't think. It was her.

She said she took it by mistake.

No, that's not true.

Oh, of course not.

Better count the spoons.

You were right not to want her here.

I'd have expected more from John, though.

Tuppy's his friend.

She didn't take my fan. I left it on...