Pantocracy


Pantocracy

Pantocracy is a surreal sitcom about a reassuringly dysfunctional Panto-family.


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Transcript


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Introducing Blackbeard as Dad... Mum is Mother Goose...

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and their kids - Princess Belle and Idle Jack...

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not forgetting Granny...

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..in Pantocracy!

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So, you know how everyone you know has a role or thing,

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so you'll have your super-organised friend, or a cousin who's always complaining?

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My thing is telling people what to do. Dad's thing is being an angry pirate

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and Gran's thing is being a clumsy fairy godmother. But what if you didn't like your thing?

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Had a proper think about it and decided your thing wasn't a good thing to have and was

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just a thing that other people had given you, like an old tissue?

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That your thing was actually a massive sad face made of sadness?

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Like, totally unfair.

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Well, things really heated up for my family when it turned out

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we were going to be receiving a very special guest.

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If you could make a cake, that would be lovely.

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Something without meat in it this time.

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Does chicken count as meat?

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Yes. A fruit cake or something.

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Is trout a fruit?

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I'll do it myself.

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Darling, if you could give the front door a new lick of paint?

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I don't think the skull and crossbones gives the right impression for a royal visit.

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What's wrong with a skull? It's the flag of my people, that is.

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People died for that flag.

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I mean, they died cos we killed them, but they were deaths.

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Just do it.

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OMG, Mum, it's only Prince Charming. No-one even fancies him since he got divorced from Cinderella.

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Don't you talk like that, young lady,

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You need to make a good impression. You should write a speech!

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That'll be a lovely way to welcome him.

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I refuse - REFUSE -

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to write a speech for someone who has actual buttons on their shoes.

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I could do it.

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A little support round here would be nice.

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-I'll write the speech.

-I can't be bothered, Mum.

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I said I could do it.

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Nice one, Jack.

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Why couldn't I do it?

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I'd write something that's pure nice and really smart and that.

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I think it's pretty cool that we're getting a real prince in the house.

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Don't be daft, Jack. That's not the kind of thing you do.

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You should draw the Prince a picture

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and I could pretend to give it to him.

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-I really think I could do it.

-You don't need to. You're Jack!

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He'll love you because you're cuddly and funny. Now, shut up!

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Fine, I won't even talk to Prince What's-his-face.

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It's "Charming". Now, we all know what jobs we have to do.

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We want to make this the best visit he's ever made.

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Don't worry, love. We'll do you proud.

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I don't have a job yet. I could do something.

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I know, I could show him my collection of tea towels.

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Chill out, Jack, you're not the one who has a chore list as long as Rapunzel's scratty hair.

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Stop whining, Belle. It's your duty as a princess.

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Now, we all know what jobs we have to do.

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Bloomers! I need to get myself some lovely new bloomers.

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Ugh!

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# Oh, four and 20 and a boat... piddle-liddle-liddle-eh!

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# Two giraffes and a drunken stoat...

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-Hey, Dad.

-Oh, you gave me a fright, son. You all right?

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Have you sat on your hamster again? Because I don't know how many more times the little fella can take it.

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Nah, it's not that. I've just got some questions.

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Oh, right. OK. Well...

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when a man and a woman love each other very much,

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they go find a mermaid...

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Dad, stop. Not those kind of questions!

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Thor be praised!

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It's all this Prince Charming stuff.

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I'm just...I feel a bit left out.

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-Left out?

-Yeah. Everyone's got something to do except me.

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It wouldn't even matter if I wasn't there.

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I just want to be part of it.

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Son, stop right now. You'll make yourself miserable

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trying to be something you're not.

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Just accept who you are. That, my son, is what happiness is.

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Really? It seems a bit unfair.

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Trust me, son. No good ever came from thinking.

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Mm.

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Hey, loser, have you seen my glass slippers anywhere?

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I suppose I ought to wear them for Princey Boy.

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Why do you always call me loser? Is that what you really think of me?

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What? Don't be an idiot. You're my brother.

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It's my job to call you a loser.

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And anyway, you can take it - you're a loser!

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I don't know. It never used to bother me,

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but just with all this stuff going on...

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What stuff? Princey Pants?

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You see, you're not even excited about it,

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but you get to do loads of stuff for it.

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-You can do stuff for it.

-I can't. Everyone thinks I'm useless.

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Jack. Are you, like, seriously, properly sad?

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I've never seen you like this before. It's weird.

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Kinda just...

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I just don't feel like I'm treated the same as everyone else.

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I feel like I'm the pet dog and you expect me to do a wee on the carpet at any moment.

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OK. In that case, I've got some advice for you,

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which I got from Snow White's book - Livin' With The Little Guys.

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You have to believe in yourself

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before other people will believe in you.

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She was actually talking about ghosts, but I think it still stands. Do you know what I mean?

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I think so. Yeah, I just don't know how to go about it.

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It's simple. They won't let you do anything because they don't trust you.

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You've never helped before.

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So, start by doing things and showing them they can trust you.

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Toot-toot-toot-toot!

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PARP!

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I'm the one who replaces the flowers in this house, not him.

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Do I laze about all day watching cartoons?

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No! They were lovely carnations, as well.

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What is Jack up to?

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Where is this coming from? It's unsettling.

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He nicked my skooshy cream!

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I can't deal with his nonsense right now.

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Which is why I've decided he can't be there to meet the Prince.

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What?! I can't believe just cos you're a little bit annoyed

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you're not going to let him meet the Prince.

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You're not going to let me meet the Prince? Oh, come on!

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-You'll just get in the way, Jack.

-You're a loose cannon. Too risky.

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Jack, I'm so sorry. They're being so stupid.

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You're getting above yourself.

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Why can't you just be happy being Idle Jack?

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OK. But at least let me meet him.

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Fine. Fine, you can meet Prince Charming.

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Just to say, "hi", but don't do anything at all.

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-OK.

-In fact, that goes for all of yous.

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Well, if he's going to meet him, he should come to the rehearsal.

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I believe our princess has finally agreed to write a speech.

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Did you put the fee in my account yet?

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The next £100 will be in tomorrow.

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PARP!

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Right. Let's have a wee practice of and what to do

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and how to behave when the Prince comes.

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-Now, Mother, you pretend to be the Prince.

-Splendid.

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I'll greet you at the door, and curtsey,

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and maybe sing a little song about dreams, or lambs or something,

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and then, Belle - you give your speech.

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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I would like to take this opportunity to offer a warm welcome

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to his Royal Highness, the Prince Charming.

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It is a great honour to have you in our humble home

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and I hope we can offer you a slice of warm family life today.

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We like to think that we're a proper, loving and caring family.

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It's really great that even someone with buttons on their shoes,

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is able to see the possibility in simple things.

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And I know that, even though you are a prince,

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you take pride in seeing beyond appearances,

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even though it didn't work out with you and Cinderella.

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My brother Jack is going through a bit of a tough time right now.

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-And he'd like to say something.

-No, no, no...

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Sorry, Mum. It's a deal-breaker. Either Jack talks or I walk.

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On you go, Jack.

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-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Hi there, Mr Prince...

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Sir.

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My name's Jack and I know that people feel it's OK to write me off

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as an idiot, I get that.

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But...what I need to know from you is,

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where do I find the strength?

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The strength to keep dulling down my ambitions? You know?

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Maybe kill a few dreams and accept failure's a total certainty.

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Cos that's what you're all telling me to do.

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In all honestly I'd rather face the biggest giant,

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than live my life like that.

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So, Gran, please tell me,

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where do I find the courage to meet your low expectations, eh?

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Mum? Dad?

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I just wanted to be treated the same as everyone else.

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I know I'm lazy sometimes,

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but it doesn't mean I'm worth less than any of you.

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And I want a bike with a monkey on...

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You'll get more pocket money, son

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That's quite enough empowerment for one day.

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-What about the monkey on the bike?

-We'll talk about that later.

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So, that was it.

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Princey Boy came and was, like, I knew he'd be,

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Boredom Central.

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He kept going on about Jack's fighting spirit

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and strong, youthful arms, which made Mum a bit miserable,

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and slightly confused.

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And we let Jack do the speech. It was, like, terrible.

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But he did it, and the Prince really loved his tea towel collection.

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Like, a weird amount.

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And from that day on, we lived a little bit more equally ever after.

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Tell you what, living in a house with my family,

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these creatures can be a right to-do and a hoo-hah.

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You need rules. Well, a necessary evil,

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but who makes the rules, hmm?

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-Feet!

-What are them?

-They're slippers.

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JACK CLEARS HIS THROAT

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-POSH VOICE:

-All right, Mater. All right, Pater.

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What are you watching?

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-What are you after?

-What do you mean?

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You haven't called me "Mater" since you were about eight.

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You haven't called me "Pater" since you burned my Susan Boyle tickets.

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-Remember?

-You've no really let me forget...

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Have you done something to your beard, Dad?

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-No.

-Are you sure?

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Might have had it straightened. One-Eyed Phil's got GHDs.

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Other ceramic hair straighteners are available.

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It's not the point. You want something.

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-Well, I was wondering...

-Yes?

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-I'd pay for it myself...

-Yes?

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-Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one...

-SPILL IT!!!

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A tattoo.

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I knew this day would come.

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Nooooooo!

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-Why not?

-Oh, what's the reason again, Mother? It's on the tip...

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Because I said so!

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What? So, that's it? No discussion? No debate? Just, "no"?

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Debate, you say? All right, present your case!

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Right.

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I'd like a tattoo because...

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..because Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one.

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That it?

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All right.

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Noooooooo!

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-Mum?!

-Sorry, sweetie. I'm with your dad on this one.

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Well, at least let me Facebook the crew,

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tell them my parents are pure dictators.

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Uh-uh-uh! That's enough internet.

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What are you talking about?

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New house rule. One hour a day.

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-Since when?

-Since I just decided. I did say, "new", didn't I?

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-Mum?

-Sorry, son, I'm with your dad on this one, too.

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So, not only can I not get a tat, but I can't even tell my pals?!

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Just tell them tomorrow. With your mouth and your face.

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What am I? Amish?

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I hate this house!

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Tried knocking?

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-Dad's rationed the internet!

-What?

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Hang on, I thought you were going out tonight?

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Dad said I wasn't allowed.

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"No midweek nights out any more, arrrrr".

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What do you mean he's rationed the internet?

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One hour a day, he's suddenly decided!

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Well, you know what, bro? He can't stop the internet.

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No-one can stop the internet.

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-Tried knocking?

-My house, my doors.

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Just to let you know, that's me stopped the internet.

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-And how did you manage that?

-I switched off that router thingy.

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Oh, and er...do us a favour.

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Lose the make-up, love. It's like Madame Tussauds in here.

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Ooh! Ow!

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Ugh! Every time! Right, what's up with the internet?

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I just lost Breaking Bad.

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We need to have a word, Gran.

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Oi-oi. You lot look thick as thieves.

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There's scrambled eggs here if you want some.

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Are you sure about that, Mother? Are you sure?

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Or have you just given them all to Dad?

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No, they're definitely there.

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Right. What's all this about?

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The children and I have been having a discussion that they feel

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you've been a bit strict-y digestives with them recently.

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Right. And what do you think?

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Well, I have to say I'm inclined to agree.

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Five squares of toilet paper per visit? Really?!

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-And what business is it of yours?

-Blackbeard!

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What do you mean, "What business be it of mine?" I'm their granny!

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I have granny's rights!

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No, you don't. You don't have any rights. You just live here.

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Rent-free, I might add. It's not you that pays the mortgage.

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Neither do you! You told us you plundered this house

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from the previous owners!

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No, you spawn-faced macaroon! I just done that for show!

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I paid the Mazzolinis the full asking price.

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Which is why I gets to set the rules.

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Erm, aren't you forgetting someone?

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Actually, I'm with him on this one.

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Well, I know you don't think I have rights, but I do live here,

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as does him and her.

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-Yeah. And we want to change the house rules.

-Yeah.

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All right, then! Let me just fetch the book of house rules.

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Now, where did I leave them? Where did I...where did I...where did I...

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Oh, that's right, they don't exist!

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Well, then, we want to write a set of house rules.

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Yeah? Well, I don't want to. And what I say, goes. End of.

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Well, we want a vote. End of.

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I suppose I can't argue with that.

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Fair's fair. We should make it legal, though, eh?

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Pirate's promise!

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BLACKBEARD SPITS

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There you go, my hearties. Lovely. Right, that's all above board, then.

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Right. So, here's how it's going to work, right?

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You get to vote, you get to vote.

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As the householders, your mother and I will get ten votes each.

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Now obviously, FG, it's different for you.

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You're an elderly stateswoman, a figure of respect.

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You've met minor royalty. So you get...

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two votes. So let's do this.

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Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for?

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And votes against?

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There you are. 20 votes to four against.

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Motion denied, me hearties! Ha-ha! Oh...

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I've got something for you.

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This power's totally gone to his head, man.

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He's become, like, totes unbearable.

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He always was totes unbearable. He's become totes impossible.

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Of course, you know what the French did to their tyrannicalistic leader?

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Was he a dinosaur?

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Cut his head off.

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You're not seriously suggesting we cut your father's head off?

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No, of course not!

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I dunno, maybe just like...

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-a toe or something?

-Hmm.

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It's not your father we need to focus on...

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It's the dinosaur.

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So, if you agree to support us,

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Belle promises to do a full house Hoover on a bi-weekly basis,

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and Jack promises to rub your feet on a tri-weekly basis.

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And do you promise to stop rearranging the kitchen stuff?

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-But it makes more sense to keep the herbs next to the...

-Gran!

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Yes, fine! So, do you agree to vote with us?

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I have waiting for an hour - an HOUR - for my hot chocolate

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-with the marshy-mallows and the skooshy-whooshy cream.

-Oh...

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Which one of yous is...

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-What's going on here?

-We're writing up the new house rules.

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-Eh? You lost the vote!

-We demand a recount!

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Right, fine. Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for?

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And votes against?

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Well, actually, there's one more vote for. Well, ten, technically.

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That don't count for nothing!

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Pirate's promise?

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ALL SPIT

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HE GAGS

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So, is the dress actually in the rule book?

0:17:590:18:02

Yes.

0:18:020:18:04

Where are the kids?

0:18:040:18:05

Have you not read your precious rules?

0:18:050:18:07

It's Anything Goes Thursday!

0:18:070:18:09

-It's a bit late for a weekday.

-Arr.

0:18:090:18:12

Hiya!

0:18:120:18:14

Ooh! You missed a bit there, Dad!

0:18:140:18:16

-What time do you call this?

-A great time!

0:18:160:18:19

Where's your brother?

0:18:190:18:22

Hi, guys! Bye, guys!

0:18:230:18:25

Stop right there, Jack! Show me your neck.

0:18:250:18:27

Other side.

0:18:300:18:31

-Oh!

-Right. You all had your fun with Dad,

0:18:340:18:38

and that's fair enough - he deserved it.

0:18:380:18:40

But this - this is a step too far.

0:18:400:18:43

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

0:18:450:18:49

From now on, this house will be a democracy.

0:18:490:18:53

Everyone has a say. An equal say.

0:18:530:18:56

A proper vote. A secret vote.

0:18:560:18:58

With an independent observer, appointed by the UN.

0:18:580:19:02

Is everyone in agreement?

0:19:020:19:04

ALL: Yes.

0:19:040:19:06

Good.

0:19:060:19:09

I hope somebody wrote that down.

0:19:090:19:11

So, there you go. Sorted itself out in the end.

0:19:140:19:17

Although, who made Mother Goose Chief of Police?

0:19:170:19:20

And where was Muggins when this was discussed?

0:19:200:19:24

I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to my MP.

0:19:240:19:28

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:380:19:39

Oh, every time.

0:19:410:19:42

Decision day is here.

0:19:440:19:46

Hot topic - where shall we go on our holidays?

0:19:460:19:48

Lucky us, you might think? This should be a treat.

0:19:480:19:52

Well, not in our family, it's not.

0:19:520:19:54

The gloves are off, it's going to get messy.

0:19:540:19:57

Bring it on!

0:19:570:19:58

Settle down, everybody.

0:20:000:20:01

Right...you all know the rules.

0:20:030:20:06

There will be no waffling, no endless warbling

0:20:060:20:08

and no mud-slinging.

0:20:080:20:10

Everyone gets to put forward their ideal holiday

0:20:100:20:13

and I shall tot up the score. Everybody ready?

0:20:130:20:17

Aye-aye.

0:20:170:20:18

Uh-huh.

0:20:180:20:20

Oh, yes.

0:20:200:20:21

And remember, we will all show each other respect.

0:20:230:20:29

So, let's begin with last year's winner.

0:20:290:20:32

Hm! In fact, the winner for the past four years, Blackbeard.

0:20:320:20:36

Thank you, Ref.

0:20:360:20:38

Right, now, as reigning champion -

0:20:380:20:41

-and might I just add how proud and honoured that makes me feel...

-Get on with it!

-Sorry.

0:20:410:20:45

I would like to propose the very healthy, long-life

0:20:450:20:48

safari holiday dream destination.

0:20:480:20:51

ALL: Aww! Again!

0:20:510:20:53

FANFARE ON TAPE PLAYER

0:20:530:20:56

POP

0:20:580:20:59

Right, now, as everyone knows, safaris are good for you

0:21:010:21:05

and they helps you live longer!

0:21:050:21:07

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:21:070:21:09

What did you just say?

0:21:090:21:10

-I said, "Pfff"!

-It is not "pfff". It's a true fact!

0:21:100:21:14

-Helps you live longer.

-It's not a true fact.

0:21:140:21:16

How can sitting in the back of a bumpy Jeep

0:21:160:21:18

watching a rhino's wobbly bum possibly help you live longer?

0:21:180:21:21

You leave rhinos out of this, young lady, I loves a rhino, me!

0:21:210:21:24

Mum? Jack? Hello? Am I the only one here with a brain?

0:21:240:21:27

We can't let him pull this "live longer safari" guff

0:21:270:21:31

for five years in a row!

0:21:310:21:32

Jack, for pity's sake - say something!

0:21:320:21:35

-Mince.

-Ha! See? Even Jack thinks it's ridiculous.

0:21:350:21:39

No, no, that's just what I fancy for my dinner tonight.

0:21:390:21:42

Mince. Lovely mince.

0:21:420:21:45

Arrrgh...that's it! I've had enough.

0:21:450:21:48

This is rubbish, you're talking complete rubbish, Dad.

0:21:480:21:50

You stupid... LOUD BLAST

0:21:500:21:53

Respect! No mud-slinging!

0:21:530:21:56

-Yellow card!

-Oh, come on, Ref!

0:21:560:21:58

It's five minutes in the doghouse for you, Belle.

0:21:580:22:01

-You know the rules.

-Yes, Gran.

0:22:010:22:04

'Ah, Belle, don't blow it now.

0:22:090:22:12

'Think of all that total work you've put in. All that research.

0:22:120:22:17

'You can do it, girl.'

0:22:170:22:19

Not the best of starts, people. Let's try again.

0:22:210:22:25

Right, now, where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted

0:22:250:22:29

by Princess Pie-Mouth over there?

0:22:290:22:30

-Respect!

-Sorry.

0:22:300:22:33

Right, like, as I was saying, safaris are good for you.

0:22:330:22:37

Everybody loves them and they help you live longer. Fact!

0:22:370:22:42

Wow! That is amazing! Fascinating!

0:22:430:22:46

The things you know, Dad. You're, like...inspirational!

0:22:460:22:50

'It's in the bag! Safari, here we come!

0:22:510:22:55

'Rhino-tastic! Five in a row!

0:22:550:22:58

-'Championee! Championee!'

-Tell us, please,

0:22:580:23:02

-where did you find out about this?

-Huh?

0:23:020:23:04

You know, the fact that safaris help you live longer?

0:23:040:23:06

-I don't know, I read it somewhere.

-Of course. Where?

0:23:060:23:09

-What?

-Where did you read it?

0:23:090:23:12

In a...in a magazine.

0:23:120:23:14

I don't suppose you recall the name of the magazine?

0:23:140:23:16

Well, I don't know, do I?

0:23:160:23:18

It was Seashells, or Plunder, or what's that other one...?

0:23:180:23:23

No, that's right, yeah. It was an old copy of Plunder

0:23:230:23:26

I read in the dentist just the other day.

0:23:260:23:29

Just the other day? But you've been telling us

0:23:290:23:31

about this safari health benefit thingy for four years now!

0:23:310:23:35

Did I say the other day?

0:23:370:23:38

I meant four years ago... the other day.

0:23:380:23:42

Well, I've just downloaded the last ten years of Plunder

0:23:420:23:46

and done an associated word search

0:23:460:23:48

for "health", "live long", "safari" and "rhino",

0:23:480:23:50

and I have come back with... diddly-squat! Nada, nothing.

0:23:500:23:54

My father lied to me.

0:23:550:23:57

All my young faith and idealism snuffed out in one tiny moment.

0:23:570:24:00

Goodbye, childhood. Hello, uncertain future.

0:24:000:24:02

Yellow card for Blackbeard, presenting opinion as fact.

0:24:020:24:09

Or as I like to call it, making stuff up. Next speaker.

0:24:090:24:13

Mother Goose, next up. She's been a little quiet, pre-season.

0:24:150:24:18

Not exactly what you'd call match fit.

0:24:180:24:21

-I heard that!

-Sorry!

0:24:210:24:22

You're on!

0:24:240:24:25

Well, I haven't given it much thought, really,

0:24:250:24:28

but I guess what I'd like

0:24:280:24:29

is some good old-fashioned sun, sea and sand.

0:24:290:24:33

A beach holiday! Like you see on the telly.

0:24:330:24:37

Oh, I can just picture it.

0:24:370:24:38

Hot sun, blue skies, azure waters lapping at the sand...

0:24:380:24:42

The smell of freshly applied suntan lotion on your skin,

0:24:420:24:46

glancing up as a family pass by.

0:24:460:24:49

Ooh! That lady looks a lot like Kerry Katona.

0:24:490:24:51

I wonder if they're staying in the same hotel as us?

0:24:510:24:54

Flip-flops on hot sand as you paddle to the water's edge...

0:24:540:24:57

THEY SNORE

0:24:570:24:59

The most important aspect of the humble beach towel is, for me,

0:24:590:25:03

the colourful patterns which adorn them.

0:25:030:25:05

Here are some of my favourites.

0:25:050:25:07

'Ooh! Show them that one you got in Majorca,

0:25:070:25:10

'the one with the cheeky donkey and the castanets!'

0:25:100:25:13

So, in a seashell - L-O-L - sun, sea, sand.

0:25:160:25:21

But like I said, I haven't thought about it much.

0:25:230:25:26

Well done, Mum. That was a whole four hours shorter than last year.

0:25:260:25:30

Really? Oh, I forgot the slide show!

0:25:300:25:32

Moving on! Jack.

0:25:320:25:35

Yes?

0:25:350:25:37

Well, it's your turn. Dream holiday?

0:25:370:25:39

Oh, yep. I'm on it.

0:25:390:25:41

HE MUMBLES THROUGH SNORKEL

0:25:480:25:51

I would like to swim with the fishes.

0:25:550:25:59

Is that it? I thought you'd been preparing.

0:26:000:26:03

I have been. I watched that Blue Planet.

0:26:030:26:06

Let me tell you, some of the fishes on that programme,

0:26:060:26:09

they'd blow your mind.

0:26:090:26:10

There's one, right, I like to call him the big, daft, disco fish.

0:26:100:26:14

He's amazing. Oh, and then I bought the snorkeler.

0:26:140:26:18

Is that all you have for us, Jack?

0:26:180:26:20

Well, it can't be some place too hot. I burn rather easily.

0:26:200:26:23

It has to have Wi-Fi. And, er...

0:26:230:26:26

'Banana bread.'

0:26:260:26:28

..and banana bread!

0:26:280:26:30

So, moving on, finally, to you, Belle.

0:26:310:26:34

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:26:360:26:37

First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts,

0:26:390:26:42

opinions, useful facts. But most of all,

0:26:420:26:46

thank you for sharing your dreams. Now, this is my dream -

0:26:460:26:50

the Snow White Seven Mountain Ski Trip.

0:26:500:26:52

But after listening to all of your wants and needs,

0:26:520:26:56

I have decided that this holiday decision is too important

0:26:560:26:59

for only one of us to win.

0:26:590:27:00

Somehow, this is something that all of us have to win.

0:27:000:27:04

So, I'm going to risk going off-piste.

0:27:040:27:06

That's a winner for me, Belle. I love a bit of vino de plonko!

0:27:060:27:10

I'm going to dispense with my carefully prepared notes.

0:27:100:27:14

And, if I may, respond from my heart to the dreams I have heard today.

0:27:140:27:19

Oh, she is good.

0:27:190:27:22

Let's start with you, Mum, the sun worshiper.

0:27:220:27:24

That's me. Guilty as charged!

0:27:240:27:26

Well, think on this, Mum.

0:27:260:27:28

You're standing on top of one of the seven snowy mountains.

0:27:280:27:31

The sky is blue, the sun is beaming down

0:27:310:27:33

and reflecting off the pure white powder snow.

0:27:330:27:36

-Instant tan.

-Really?

-Really.

0:27:360:27:39

And what's more, all the celebs go skiing.

0:27:390:27:42

I'm talking the Beckhams,

0:27:420:27:43

I'm talking at least one Kardashian. Possibly two.

0:27:430:27:46

Sounds like heaven.

0:27:460:27:47

-Jack. You love the water.

-Do I?

0:27:500:27:53

You do. And what is snow but frozen water?

0:27:530:27:57

-Buzz! Point of order, point of order!

-Oh, be quiet. Whisht!

0:27:570:28:01

It's all right, Gran - let him speak.

0:28:010:28:03

Water is nothing like snow.

0:28:030:28:04

It's a blatant lie. Water falls down from the sky, but snow...

0:28:040:28:10

-Oh, kippers.

-If I may continue.

0:28:100:28:12

-Also, Jack, while skiing, the wearing of goggles is compulsory.

-Really?!

0:28:120:28:18

Totes.

0:28:180:28:20

But what about the fishes?

0:28:220:28:25

Well, how about this? We'll stay in a village

0:28:250:28:28

which is only a cable car ride away from...an aquarium!

0:28:280:28:32

Oh! Does it have the big daft disco fish?

0:28:320:28:34

There's only one way to find out!

0:28:340:28:36

Ooh! Please, please, please.

0:28:360:28:39

Which just leaves you, Dad.

0:28:390:28:41

Give it your best shot.

0:28:420:28:44

The pirate. Standing strong on the high seas.

0:28:460:28:49

Peril and danger, your constant companions.

0:28:490:28:52

Your heart pounding, the blood rushing. And just like when

0:28:520:28:55

that Jeep bounced over the savanna, following that enchanting rhino,

0:28:550:28:59

you've never felt more alive than now,

0:28:590:29:02

as you hurtle down the mountainside on your skis faster and faster

0:29:020:29:05

towards an almost certain catastrophe...

0:29:050:29:07

Yes! Death or glory!

0:29:070:29:10

Skiing, Dad.

0:29:100:29:13

Skiing is danger, skiing is peril,

0:29:130:29:17

skiing can leave you with broken bones.

0:29:170:29:20

Broken bones, you say?

0:29:200:29:22

Oh, that's danger all right!

0:29:220:29:25

In conclusion, you will find brochures, photos and information

0:29:250:29:29

in this file, which you are welcome to have a look at.

0:29:290:29:31

Please feel free to check all the facts,

0:29:310:29:33

or if you wish, you may download the presentation from my website.

0:29:330:29:36

Thank you for listening.

0:29:360:29:37

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:29:370:29:39

Game over. Well done, everybody.

0:29:390:29:42

I shall be back in half an hour with the results.

0:29:420:29:44

Oh, what's the point? We know who's won this.

0:29:440:29:48

My darling princess. She's stormed it. We've got us a new champion!

0:29:480:29:52

Belle, you were brilliant!

0:29:520:29:54

Big daft snowy disco fish...

0:29:550:29:58

"Dear Gran, having a wonderful time here!

0:30:000:30:03

"Mum is browning nicely. Jack has hardly been out of the aquarium,

0:30:030:30:08

"and Dad has broken two legs!

0:30:080:30:10

"But sadly not his own.

0:30:100:30:12

"Everyone is so pleased they picked my idea.

0:30:120:30:15

"Much love and kisses, Belle."

0:30:150:30:17

Respect!

0:30:170:30:19

A wrong has been committed. The consequences have been grim.

0:30:300:30:34

A fight has been fought and the battle won.

0:30:340:30:37

By me, the hapless son.

0:30:370:30:42

Let me take you back.

0:30:420:30:44

MARCHING-STYLE DRUMS

0:30:470:30:49

Enough is enough.

0:30:540:30:56

Oh! And just where do you think you're going

0:30:560:30:59

with that flame-thrower, young lady?

0:30:590:31:01

Oh, hi, Gran, it's Jack's room, it's, like, so disgusting.

0:31:010:31:05

There's weird gurgling sounds, scratchings in the night.

0:31:050:31:08

I think there's something living in there.

0:31:080:31:10

Yes, of course there is, Belle. It's your brother!

0:31:100:31:13

No, something else. Something...unearthly.

0:31:130:31:16

And it totally stinks. I can smell it from my room.

0:31:160:31:19

Jack's a boy. Of course it stinks!

0:31:190:31:22

OMG. This is, like, way worse than that.

0:31:220:31:24

And he refuses to clean it, so I'm going in.

0:31:240:31:26

With a flame-thrower?

0:31:260:31:28

Gran, this is, like, way beyond dusty. I don't have a choice.

0:31:280:31:31

-Do you have his permission?

-Yeah, right(!)

0:31:310:31:33

Beware the consequences, Belle. That's all I'm saying.

0:31:330:31:36

Well, I'm a big girl. I can take them.

0:31:360:31:39

Out the way, old lady.

0:31:390:31:41

Old lady? I'll give her old lady!

0:31:420:31:46

Uh! Does it have to be Dirty Dancing again?

0:31:490:31:51

No-one puts Baby in a corner.

0:31:510:31:53

Oh, don't sulk, my love. What would you rather watch?

0:31:530:31:56

Pirates Of The Caribbean. First one's a classic!

0:31:560:31:58

Not the later ones. They're a bit far-fetched.

0:31:580:32:01

-Well, we've got all afternoon, let's watch both!

-Deal!

0:32:010:32:04

HE WHISTLES

0:32:070:32:10

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

0:32:100:32:13

My room!

0:32:130:32:15

-BOTH:

-# I've had the time of my life... #

0:32:160:32:22

Mum, Dad, Belle's been in my room! She's burnt it to a crisp!

0:32:220:32:26

Everything's incinerated. All my stuff's gone!

0:32:260:32:29

Ah, how do you know it was me?

0:32:290:32:31

Er, who else knows how to use a flame-thrower?

0:32:310:32:33

Well, you got me there, Sherlock.

0:32:330:32:36

And now she's sitting there smirking!

0:32:360:32:37

What are you going to do about it? She needs to be punished!

0:32:370:32:41

Banished to the Freaky Forest and slowly eaten by woodland creatures

0:32:410:32:44

who haven't eaten since last week.

0:32:440:32:46

Ooh, a weekend in the Freaky Forest. I'm so scared(!)

0:32:460:32:49

-Mum!

-We'll deal with it later, Jack, after the film.

-Dad!

0:32:490:32:53

-HE SOBS

-What your mother said.

0:32:530:32:55

I'm sure Belle was only playing.

0:32:550:32:57

Right, that's it! No-one ever listens to me.

0:33:000:33:04

I quit! I'm leaving!

0:33:040:33:06

Thanks, Steve.

0:33:060:33:08

I'm leaving this house.

0:33:100:33:12

Don't be late for tea.

0:33:120:33:14

I'm going now, forever. Look, I've already packed.

0:33:140:33:17

Shut the door on the way out.

0:33:170:33:19

Right, I will. You'll be sorry.

0:33:190:33:21

Leaving home again, Jack?

0:33:250:33:27

Belle's destroyed my room. Can you believe that?

0:33:270:33:30

And Mum and Dad, they're too busy to do anything about it.

0:33:300:33:33

That's fine. I'll make my own way in the world.

0:33:330:33:36

I hear you, Jack. But, you know, you do run away a lot.

0:33:360:33:40

Almost every day.

0:33:400:33:41

Yeah, it's all got a bit "boy who cried wolf".

0:33:410:33:44

You know, if you really want their attention,

0:33:440:33:47

you need to try something a bit more eye-catching.

0:33:470:33:50

Tell me more.

0:33:520:33:53

Hurry up, Jack, I'm busting here.

0:33:560:33:58

How long are you going to be, anyway?

0:33:580:34:01

As long as it takes, Dad.

0:34:010:34:03

-WHISPERS:

-As long as it takes.

0:34:030:34:05

How long as he been in there, anyway?

0:34:120:34:14

Since Saturday, I think.

0:34:140:34:15

Three days?! Right, I'm going to the sink.

0:34:150:34:18

You will not, you filthy animal!

0:34:180:34:19

You can go in the kennel like everyone else.

0:34:190:34:21

-There's a bucket in there.

-Kennel?!

0:34:210:34:24

Eurrgh! Has Belle been shaving her legs in here?

0:34:240:34:29

Aye.

0:34:290:34:31

HE GAGS

0:34:310:34:32

Oh, Jack! I'm so proud of you.

0:34:330:34:37

Though I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised

0:34:370:34:39

things have dragged on for so long.

0:34:390:34:42

I thought the press and media would have been all over this ages ago.

0:34:420:34:46

The press?

0:34:460:34:47

Jack? You have told your mum and dad and the press why you're doing this?

0:34:470:34:53

SHE SIGHS

0:34:530:34:54

Leave it to me. I have friends in the media.

0:34:540:34:58

Hallooo! Catriona?

0:35:010:35:04

Have I got news for you!

0:35:040:35:06

HE SNORES

0:35:110:35:13

Oh! I tell you what, if we had a plank, I'd be walking it by now.

0:35:170:35:24

SHE SNIFFS, THEN SIGHS

0:35:350:35:36

Dad, I need a shower. It's not fair!

0:35:380:35:42

-TV:

-'And support is growing for a local boy's so-called dirty protest.

0:35:420:35:46

'Tonight we report on the plight of Idle Jack...'

0:35:460:35:49

Whoa, whoa! I'm watching this. Mother!

0:35:490:35:52

'His protest has seen him locked in a lavatory.

0:35:520:35:54

'Oh, dear, what can the matter be? I hear you ask.

0:35:540:35:56

'Well, a statement released just moments ago puts

0:35:560:35:59

'the blame on his manky sister,

0:35:590:36:01

'Princess Belle, for torching his bedroom...'

0:36:010:36:04

-Belle!

-Sssh!

0:36:040:36:06

'..and his weak-willed parents for not sorting her out.

0:36:060:36:09

'Idle Jack completely exonerated

0:36:090:36:11

'his unusually youthful Gran from all blame.'

0:36:110:36:13

Enough! Switch it off.

0:36:130:36:15

So, that's what this is all about. The cheek of it!

0:36:150:36:19

I hope no-one we know has just seen that.

0:36:190:36:22

THEIR MOBILE PHONES RING

0:36:220:36:27

Yes? You're cancelling my entire winter season?

0:36:290:36:32

You can't do that! Oh, yes, you can?

0:36:320:36:36

You can't throw me out of Seafarer's Golf Club!

0:36:360:36:39

I've been a member since I was a cabin boy!

0:36:390:36:42

SHE GASPS You can't pull my sponsorship.

0:36:420:36:45

I can't live without free shoes!

0:36:450:36:47

Right. It's time we listened to his side of the story.

0:36:490:36:53

Find out what he wants.

0:36:530:36:54

I'm going in.

0:36:570:36:58

-FROM OUTSIDE:

-So, to recap.

0:37:010:37:03

You will come out if, A - you get a lock for your bedroom...

0:37:030:37:06

With only one key.

0:37:060:37:07

With only one key, of course.

0:37:070:37:10

And B - you get exclusive use of Belle's room while yours

0:37:100:37:13

is being redecorated in any style you chose.

0:37:130:37:17

And C - while your room is being redecorated,

0:37:170:37:20

Belle must sleep in a tent in the garden

0:37:200:37:23

as suitable punishment for...

0:37:230:37:26

..the wrongs that she has committed. Yes.

0:37:260:37:29

Son, I think we have a deal.

0:37:290:37:32

Great, I'll be out in a minute.

0:37:340:37:36

Yes! I'll let everyone know.

0:37:360:37:38

Oh! Oh, Jack. Well done!

0:37:410:37:45

You showed incredible strength, sticking to your guns like you did.

0:37:450:37:49

I'll be honest, I never thought you'd last this long.

0:37:490:37:52

Neither did I. To be equally honest, though,

0:37:520:37:55

it's only cos I lost the key to this a week ago.

0:37:550:37:57

Hang on...

0:37:590:38:01

Oh, ya numpty!

0:38:010:38:04

SHE TUTS

0:38:100:38:11

Oh, Jack!

0:38:110:38:13

# Oh, we set our sails For the South of France

0:38:190:38:22

# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee

0:38:220:38:23

# And became straight back Cos we left our pants

0:38:230:38:25

# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee. #

0:38:250:38:28

OWL HOOTS That...kennel...stinks!

0:38:310:38:34

Yep, that's right. Victory is mine.

0:38:370:38:41

I nailed my colours to the mast and I saw it through to the end.

0:38:410:38:45

So, people - some valuable lessons have been learned here today.

0:38:450:38:50

Not least of which is - you don't mess with Jack's stuff.

0:38:500:38:55

So, I don't like to complain.

0:39:100:39:13

Well, I DO like to complain, and if necessary, I'll take action

0:39:130:39:17

to encourage people to do the right thing.

0:39:170:39:19

But, with my family, they just seem to love bickering.

0:39:190:39:23

Ooh!

0:39:270:39:28

I've had it up to here with them and their stupid faces.

0:39:280:39:32

-Up to where?

-Up to at least here.

0:39:320:39:35

-That's not that high.

-Are you saying I've got stubby legs?

0:39:350:39:39

Cos my legs are as high as they could possibly be.

0:39:390:39:42

You know, I've been doing exercises off the internet,

0:39:420:39:44

but they just make my feet go bigger.

0:39:440:39:46

Mum, learn to stick to the point. Who are you upset with?

0:39:460:39:49

Our stupid next door neighbours.

0:39:490:39:52

The Ghosts?

0:39:520:39:53

Aye. That Mrs Ghost, she thinks she's so brilliant,

0:39:530:39:56

but I can see right through her.

0:39:560:39:57

-Honestly! She just had a right go at me.

-About what?

0:39:570:40:00

-Your gran.

-Gran?

0:40:000:40:02

Aye. She says she's out of control, that she's gone "toooooo faaaar".

0:40:020:40:06

Mum, I don't think you should make "ooo" noises

0:40:060:40:09

when you're talking about ghosts. That's quite racist.

0:40:090:40:11

She says that she's turned their dog into this.

0:40:110:40:15

Is that Cinnamon? The yappy, little rat thing?

0:40:150:40:18

The one that sounds like Miley Cyrus?

0:40:180:40:20

Mm. She says your gran can't be trusted out by herself any more,

0:40:200:40:23

and we should confiscate her wand.

0:40:230:40:25

They can't make us do anything, Mum. It'll be fine.

0:40:250:40:28

I'm so annoyed! She was all, like, "Oooooooh"!

0:40:280:40:31

Seriously, Mum, stop with the "oooh"s. Have you spoken to Gran?

0:40:310:40:35

What am I going to say to her?

0:40:350:40:36

"Hi, Mum. I like your hair. By the way, we've all decided

0:40:360:40:39

"you're cracking up, so hand over your wand"?

0:40:390:40:41

-That'll go down well(!)

-Mm...

0:40:410:40:44

Er, Mum, you can't tell Dad about this.

0:40:440:40:47

Seriously, he's been wanting to siege the Ghosts for years.

0:40:470:40:50

I think you'll find I'm the parent here,

0:40:500:40:53

and I'll decide what I tell my husband, thank you, young lady.

0:40:530:40:55

And if I choose to tell him that a ghost-y lady wants to have

0:40:550:40:58

my mother arrested, then that's my business, so get out of my grille.

0:40:580:41:02

What?! I knew those Ghosts would do something like this one day.

0:41:020:41:07

I'm going to siege them!

0:41:070:41:09

Wait! Wait! Wait, Beardy!

0:41:090:41:11

Oi! What are you doing?

0:41:110:41:13

-Oh! Ow!

-COMMOTION

0:41:130:41:15

For the love of Penzance, stop starting sieges!

0:41:150:41:18

-Violence is not always the answer!

-Not the face, love!

0:41:180:41:22

When we got married, you made a promise - a pirate's oath -

0:41:220:41:25

not to attack our friends, family or neighbours

0:41:250:41:28

unless I absolutely gave you permission, and I don't.

0:41:280:41:31

Darn, that unbreakable pirate oath!

0:41:310:41:33

You never let me siege anyone any more.

0:41:330:41:35

That's cos your reasons for sieging are rubbish!

0:41:350:41:38

Arrr...but not in this case.

0:41:380:41:39

Thanks, Janice.

0:41:420:41:43

Then there's the issue of their tree. Big massive tree,

0:41:450:41:47

dropping its stupid acorns dropping all over the place

0:41:470:41:50

Oh, and then those aggressive notes they leave everywhere:

0:41:500:41:54

"Can you please not park your car here?"

0:41:540:41:57

"Can you please make sure you take your bins back in?"

0:41:570:42:00

"Can you please stop your kids going up the shops in their jammies?"

0:42:000:42:04

We're not the only ones in the street with a problem with them.

0:42:040:42:07

Really? Is she like this with other people, too?

0:42:070:42:09

They're a nightmare! All the neighbours have been wanting

0:42:090:42:12

someone to take action for ages now. It's well documented.

0:42:120:42:16

Seriously, Dad, you need to calm, like, down.

0:42:160:42:19

Go on, love. A quick siege, put the frighteners right up them.

0:42:190:42:23

Then the whole street would be a nicer place.

0:42:230:42:25

Go on, give us your permission. Then you won't have to

0:42:250:42:28

worry about your mum getting taken away and locked up.

0:42:280:42:30

A siege isn't the answer.

0:42:300:42:32

We need to think of other ways of handling this.

0:42:320:42:34

All right. We could egg their house!

0:42:340:42:38

But we use eggs AND chickens.

0:42:380:42:40

They'll be so caught up trying to work out

0:42:400:42:42

which one happened first, they'll collapse with confusion.

0:42:420:42:45

Then we'll get rats to poo in their cereal bowls!

0:42:450:42:49

And we'll toilet paper all their toilet paper!

0:42:490:42:52

What's going on?

0:42:520:42:53

We're going to war, son. With the Ghosts next door.

0:42:530:42:56

Come on, we'll get some doubloons and buy some eggs.

0:42:560:42:59

I in no way give you my permission.

0:42:590:43:01

Mum, think about this for a second.

0:43:010:43:03

The neighbours are allowed to be annoyed.

0:43:030:43:05

Gran did turn their dog into a gnome. The truth is, we're all too busy

0:43:050:43:08

and we're not looking after Gran like we should.

0:43:080:43:10

Maybe - and I know this seems totally harsh - but maybe

0:43:100:43:13

we should think about putting Gran into a home.

0:43:130:43:16

She's not going into a home!

0:43:160:43:17

I've been on the internet and there are people

0:43:170:43:19

in the fairy godmother retirement business

0:43:190:43:21

who can give her the right support. She could go there during the week.

0:43:210:43:24

They get trips out and everything.

0:43:240:43:26

-Really?

-This way there doesn't need to be a war.

0:43:260:43:29

The neighbours will be happy,

0:43:290:43:31

and we'd be doing the right thing for Gran.

0:43:310:43:33

Well, perhaps I could at least take a look.

0:43:330:43:36

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll decide when my mother-in-law

0:43:360:43:39

is due to get locked up.

0:43:390:43:41

-You're being weak!

-I have to think what's best for everybody.

0:43:410:43:45

Perhaps I should just apologise.

0:43:450:43:47

And admit you're wrong? THEY'RE wrong!

0:43:470:43:50

They're wrong about no trampolining on a Sunday,

0:43:500:43:53

-and they're wrong about this!

-Mum, listen...

0:43:530:43:56

-Don't listen to her, she's just a child.

-Oh! I am not a child!

0:43:560:44:00

If I wants a Sunday bounce, I'll have a Sunday bounce.

0:44:030:44:06

-This war idea is so stupid.

-Dad knows what he's doing. He's Dad.

0:44:070:44:11

Have you ever thought about this? Using your own actual thoughts?

0:44:110:44:17

I don't need to, Dad's done all the thinking.

0:44:170:44:19

Though I've got no idea what he was talking about yesterday.

0:44:190:44:22

It was this thing, it was like a zoo just for bees and birds.

0:44:220:44:25

But this war thing - now, I totally understood that.

0:44:250:44:28

-Also, Dad's promised me a new bike.

-Don't fall for that again.

0:44:280:44:32

Remember when he said he'd get you a new laptop?

0:44:320:44:35

What did he actually get you?

0:44:350:44:36

A typewriter with a calculator strapped to the side.

0:44:360:44:39

And when he said he'd take you on a lovely trip?

0:44:390:44:41

He just pushed me into a bin, then put the photos on his blog.

0:44:410:44:44

And then he filmed it and put that on the school website.

0:44:440:44:47

And you think this man can be trusted?

0:44:470:44:49

Hang on.

0:44:510:44:52

Hi, it's me.

0:44:570:44:59

My sister says I should think for myself, what do you think?

0:44:590:45:02

Uh-huh?

0:45:020:45:04

Oh, right. Yep. OK. OK.

0:45:040:45:07

Erm, blue... No, no! Red!

0:45:070:45:10

Yeah, yeah, red. With wheels and a bell,

0:45:100:45:14

and a basket to put my monkey in.

0:45:140:45:16

OK, right, thanks, Dad. Bye-bye!

0:45:160:45:20

Did you actually...actually just ask Dad if you could think for yourself?

0:45:200:45:25

Yes, I did.

0:45:250:45:27

Wow.

0:45:270:45:29

Fine, if he wants to play it like that.

0:45:290:45:32

Agree with me and get Mum onside with the old folks' home,

0:45:320:45:36

-and you can have Gran's bedroom.

-Really?

0:45:360:45:40

Really. And you know I deliver.

0:45:400:45:42

Do the right thing, Jack. Think for yourself.

0:45:420:45:46

I'd better get back in there.

0:45:460:45:48

Oh...

0:45:490:45:51

I don't know what to do, now.

0:45:510:45:53

Bike or a room?

0:45:530:45:57

Bike or a room?

0:45:570:46:01

Ow!

0:46:010:46:02

"Babe, you seriously need to sort out your gran,

0:46:080:46:11

"otherwise we won't be able to see each other again.

0:46:110:46:14

"Gary." Gary? Gary Ghost!

0:46:140:46:19

Why can't I see Gary again?

0:46:190:46:21

Is he upgrading his ghostiness? Is he here now?

0:46:210:46:25

Ow!

0:46:250:46:26

"Not you, you idiot. That last note was meant for your sister.

0:46:340:46:37

"Your hair looks nice, by the way. Gary."

0:46:370:46:40

Oh. Thanks, babe!

0:46:400:46:43

So, my feisty plum, just give us permission. You know you want to.

0:46:450:46:48

Don't do it, Mum. You need to hear what Jack has to say.

0:46:480:46:51

That's the first sensible thing you've said.

0:46:510:46:53

-I've decided I'm definitely against the war.

-What?!

0:46:590:47:03

-Really, Jack? Why's that?

-Well, this way everyone wins.

0:47:030:47:06

Dad doesn't need to bribe me with a new bike,

0:47:060:47:09

Gran gets dumped in a home,

0:47:090:47:10

I get her big bedroom, and Belle can keep snogging Gary Ghost.

0:47:100:47:14

Yay! Everyone's a winner!

0:47:140:47:16

Gary Ghost? The Ghost's son?

0:47:160:47:19

I'm disappointed in you, Belle.

0:47:190:47:21

-It wasn't...

-You were just looking after yourself.

-Snogging the enemy!

0:47:210:47:24

ALL TALK AT ONCE Coo-ee! It's only me.

0:47:240:47:28

Oh, thank you, Belle, dear. That's just what I was after.

0:47:280:47:33

I've agreed with the Ghosts to lift my spell on Cinnamon.

0:47:330:47:36

Carry on yelling!

0:47:360:47:38

So, thanks to my little spell, the Ghosts have been persuaded

0:47:430:47:48

to poop scoop - it's a victory for clean feet everywhere!

0:47:480:47:53

Right, Cinnamon.

0:47:530:47:54

Oh, what was that spell again?

0:47:540:47:56

I shake you once, I... SMASH

0:47:560:47:58

..shake you twice.

0:47:580:48:01

Ooops!

0:48:010:48:02

I tell you something, landlubbers.

0:48:140:48:16

If I learned anything from my many years on the high seas,

0:48:160:48:19

'tis this - you got to know your arrr from your elbow. Ha-har!

0:48:190:48:23

And, if you wants to get the treasure,

0:48:230:48:26

you can't stay on the boat sitting on your hands. No!

0:48:260:48:30

You gots to get off the boat. You gots to dig.

0:48:300:48:34

Gots to get your hands dirty.

0:48:340:48:36

This be what's called an extended metaphor, me hearties. Arr.

0:48:360:48:40

Get your peepers round this.

0:48:400:48:42

Seriously, son? Crisps for breakfast?

0:48:490:48:52

Er...?

0:48:520:48:53

Yeah, but this is pure protein. That's just carrrrbs.

0:48:530:48:56

"That's just carrrrbs"!

0:48:560:48:58

Why don't you have cereal like your sister?

0:49:000:49:03

There's no Chocolate Ninja Stars left.

0:49:030:49:05

Oh, right. Did someone forget to buy them?

0:49:050:49:09

Please tell your father that someone was too busy scrubbing and cleaning,

0:49:090:49:12

while someone else doesn't even know his way to the supermarket.

0:49:120:49:16

Yeah?

0:49:160:49:17

You tell your mother that someone was busy travelling the seven seas

0:49:170:49:21

putting his life on the line to provide for his family.

0:49:210:49:24

Well, you tell someone that someone better change the record!

0:49:240:49:28

Well, you tell someone that it's just a bit of

0:49:280:49:30

scrubbing and cleaning. How hard could it be?

0:49:300:49:32

Sorry - who are we actually talking about here?

0:49:320:49:34

Belle! That's no way for a princess to behave!

0:49:360:49:39

A pirate, maybe, but not a princess.

0:49:390:49:42

Why did I marry a pirate?!

0:49:420:49:44

Why did you?!

0:49:440:49:46

-Oh, dear. Are those two still a bit fighty biscuits?

-Mm-hmm.

0:49:460:49:50

Right, you - fire up that computer.

0:49:500:49:53

Like it, Granny! Online solutions.

0:49:530:49:55

Fix my marriage-dot-lurrve!

0:49:550:49:57

No, Ryanair-dot-com.

0:49:570:50:00

Other airline websites are available.

0:50:000:50:03

-FG is getting outta here.

-What?!

0:50:030:50:06

Tinker Bell has been asking me for ages to visit her in Neverland.

0:50:060:50:09

And with those two kicking off, now seems like a very good time.

0:50:090:50:13

-You're not going, Gran. You can't!

-You have to sort it, Gran!

0:50:130:50:16

-Why is it always left to me to sort it?

-I'm not getting involved.

0:50:160:50:19

-Why not?

-I'm too young!

0:50:190:50:20

Yeah! We've got... What do you call them? Children's rights!

0:50:200:50:24

What? The right to not get off your bahookie and do something?

0:50:240:50:28

-Yeah.

-Exactly.

0:50:280:50:30

Oh, for the love of...

0:50:300:50:31

Look - are you happy with the situation?

0:50:310:50:34

No. I hate it when they fight.

0:50:340:50:37

-Well, then. Get involved! Engage!

-How?

0:50:370:50:39

Oh, close.

0:50:450:50:48

-It's all in there.

-It's massive. How are we supposed to read this?

0:50:480:50:52

May I suggest you start somewhere in the vicinity of Page One?

0:50:520:50:56

"Chapter One -

0:51:000:51:02

"establishing a line of communication with the injured parties."

0:51:020:51:05

-Where are you off to, my love?

-Out.

-Who with?

-You don't know them.

0:51:090:51:12

-You got any homework, son?

-No.

0:51:120:51:14

-That's a lie, isn't it?

-Aye.

0:51:140:51:18

I reckon that's about as much conversation

0:51:180:51:20

as I can handle with the parentage.

0:51:200:51:21

I know. Imagine having to discuss their love life.

0:51:210:51:24

I say we choose the path of least resistance.

0:51:260:51:29

Yeah. Either that, or just do nothing.

0:51:290:51:33

It'll probably just blow over.

0:51:330:51:34

Yeah. I mean, how bad is it really, anyways?

0:51:340:51:37

Please tell me you've washed my PE kit.

0:51:420:51:45

Sorry, son. Your father is now in charge of cleaning and laundry.

0:51:450:51:48

I can see that.

0:51:480:51:50

Please tell me you've washed my emerald green ball gown.

0:51:500:51:53

Newsflash.

0:51:530:51:54

From this afternoon, due to a severe lack of respect,

0:51:540:51:58

-your father will be moving out of this house.

-THEY GASP

0:51:580:52:02

-Into the back garden.

-THEY SIGH WITH RELIEF

0:52:020:52:04

Before moving to Madagascar, taking Jack with me as cabin boy.

0:52:040:52:07

-Right. Where is it?

-What you up to, bro?

0:52:120:52:14

What do you mean? Things have gone too far!

0:52:140:52:18

I know, you're not the only one who had to wear a onesie to school.

0:52:180:52:21

Forget the onesie, Belle. I'm talking me - Madagascar? Cabin boy?

0:52:210:52:24

-Ah, there it is!

-I know, I'm well jeal.

-What?

0:52:240:52:29

Are you kidding? Natural tan, coconut water on tap, those wee lemurs...

0:52:290:52:33

I can't be a cabin boy. I hate the ships,

0:52:330:52:36

I hate the sea, I hate the food, I hate the vomiting.

0:52:360:52:39

Do you mind if I get your room?

0:52:390:52:40

I've got a bit of a shoe overspill situation.

0:52:400:52:42

Belle, please. Help me, here. I can't do this myself. Please.

0:52:420:52:46

Look, I know it's a big change,

0:52:460:52:47

but maybe it's just what Mum and Dad need right now.

0:52:470:52:50

Let's just...go with the flow.

0:52:500:52:51

So, it's just going to be us two here together. All girls.

0:52:530:52:56

Me and my wee scullery maid!

0:52:560:52:59

Let's do this.

0:53:020:53:03

How are you getting on with this?

0:53:290:53:31

Oh, aye, it's...you know, the bit where he does the...

0:53:310:53:35

It's total gibberish, man.

0:53:350:53:36

I've read the same page, like, 50 times, I still don't understand it.

0:53:360:53:39

-Not you as well?

-Aw, no. You're kidding?

0:53:390:53:42

'Sorry kids, rubbish service in Neverland. Found a hot spot, though!

0:53:440:53:49

'How's it going?'

0:53:490:53:51

Terrible. Your book was rubbish.

0:53:510:53:53

'Oh. Kids today. You've forgotten how to read books,

0:53:530:53:56

'that's your problem. Honestly. If it hasn't got a charger...'

0:53:560:53:59

Very good, Gran. We're on a meter here.

0:53:590:54:01

What do we do? I don't want to be a scullery maid!

0:54:010:54:04

I don't want to be a cabin boy!

0:54:040:54:06

'I know. It's no life, son. No Wi-Fi round the Cape of Good Hope.'

0:54:060:54:11

Noooooooo!

0:54:110:54:14

'I'm sure it won't come to that. your dad's threatened to

0:54:150:54:18

'leave home before, and he's never actually done it.'

0:54:180:54:21

-Sorry. Just the thought of no Wi-Fi.

-But what do we do now, Gran?

0:54:210:54:25

'If you really can't think for yourselves,

0:54:250:54:28

'have you considered trying to consult your peer group?'

0:54:280:54:30

Considered the why with the what with the who, now?

0:54:300:54:33

'Duh! Talking to your friends.'

0:54:330:54:34

I'm not talking to my friends about this. They'll think I'm a total dork.

0:54:340:54:37

'So, it's OK to tweet them about the retro spag bol you just ate,

0:54:370:54:41

'or to Instagram a cat that looks like Benedict Cumberbatch,

0:54:410:54:44

'but when it comes to this, something that actually matters...

0:54:440:54:48

'You haven't got much time! Do it! Do it!

0:54:480:54:51

'FG, out.'

0:54:510:54:52

What did Snow White do when she was getting hassle off her step-mum?

0:54:550:54:58

I'm not talking to her, she's a total dork.

0:54:580:55:01

I'll message her.

0:55:030:55:05

Look, there's whole forums here about this stuff.

0:55:070:55:10

BillyGoatGruff98. "To get parents together,

0:55:100:55:13

"create common enemy by hiring a troll to terrorise your bridge."

0:55:130:55:17

It's a nice idea, but we've not got the time.

0:55:170:55:20

Scroll down a bit. Look!

0:55:200:55:23

RumpelstiltskinFace.

0:55:230:55:25

"Spin hair into gold and make your parents a fortune."

0:55:250:55:28

Mm, it's a bit far-fetched.

0:55:280:55:30

UglySister02. "Set your mum up with a really rich BF."

0:55:300:55:35

No.

0:55:350:55:36

-Right, here you are.

-Hi, Dad.

-What yous looking at?

0:55:360:55:40

-BOTH TOGETHER:

-Sneezing panda.

-Cat with bread on its...

0:55:400:55:43

Right.

0:55:430:55:44

You OK with the whole Madagascar cabin boy arrangement thing, son?

0:55:440:55:48

I'm no ecstatic,

0:55:480:55:50

but we had a chat with Gran and I feel a lot better now.

0:55:500:55:53

-Good, good, good. Cos we leave in two hours.

-What?

0:55:530:55:58

Favourable winds, etc. Plus, I can't take any more of your mother.

0:55:580:56:02

Best start packing, eh? You won't need much.

0:56:020:56:04

Just toothbrush, pants, anti-vomiting tablets.

0:56:040:56:09

BELLE SOBS

0:56:090:56:13

RINGTONE FANFARE

0:56:220:56:25

Hang on, look. Snow White tweeted us back.

0:56:250:56:28

She says, "Ignore the rest, the best advice is on Page 642."

0:56:280:56:33

"It's not rocket science,

0:56:390:56:41

"just ask them what's wrong."

0:56:410:56:44

So, in general,

0:56:480:56:50

Mum would like to ask Dad to appreciate her work round the house.

0:56:500:56:55

Dad would like Mum to appreciate his work in the seven seas area.

0:56:550:56:58

With regards to the incident which sparked this unfortunate episode,

0:57:000:57:03

Mum would like to express her displeasure at receiving

0:57:030:57:06

a petrol canister for her wedding anniversary.

0:57:060:57:08

Dad concedes this, but would like to point out his intended present

0:57:120:57:16

was the Neelanjali Ruby,

0:57:160:57:18

which turned out to be booby-trapped,

0:57:180:57:20

causing the death of three of his men.

0:57:200:57:22

The canister was a last-minute petrol station panic purchase

0:57:220:57:25

in order to replace it.

0:57:250:57:27

Furthermore, Mum would like it to be known

0:57:290:57:32

that she doesn't want Dad to go.

0:57:320:57:34

Dad would concur with this.

0:57:370:57:38

So, likes I said,

0:57:490:57:51

if you don't mind picking up the spade, you WILL find the treasure.

0:57:510:57:55

Just like my kids helped me find mine.

0:57:550:57:57

Our work here is done.

0:58:000:58:02

Ugh! Get a room!

0:58:040:58:07

Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!

0:58:070:58:09

A surreal family sitcom encouraging learners to think about how Democracy works