Browse content similar to Pantocracy. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Introducing Blackbeard as Dad... Mum is Mother Goose... | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
and their kids - Princess Belle and Idle Jack... | 0:00:07 | 0:00:13 | |
not forgetting Granny... | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
..in Pantocracy! | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
So, you know how everyone you know has a role or thing, | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
so you'll have your super-organised friend, or a cousin who's always complaining? | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
My thing is telling people what to do. Dad's thing is being an angry pirate | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
and Gran's thing is being a clumsy fairy godmother. But what if you didn't like your thing? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Had a proper think about it and decided your thing wasn't a good thing to have and was | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
just a thing that other people had given you, like an old tissue? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
That your thing was actually a massive sad face made of sadness? | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
Like, totally unfair. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Well, things really heated up for my family when it turned out | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
we were going to be receiving a very special guest. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
If you could make a cake, that would be lovely. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Something without meat in it this time. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
Does chicken count as meat? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Yes. A fruit cake or something. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Is trout a fruit? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
I'll do it myself. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
Darling, if you could give the front door a new lick of paint? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
I don't think the skull and crossbones gives the right impression for a royal visit. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
What's wrong with a skull? It's the flag of my people, that is. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
People died for that flag. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
I mean, they died cos we killed them, but they were deaths. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Just do it. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
OMG, Mum, it's only Prince Charming. No-one even fancies him since he got divorced from Cinderella. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:39 | |
Don't you talk like that, young lady, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
You need to make a good impression. You should write a speech! | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
That'll be a lovely way to welcome him. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
I refuse - REFUSE - | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
to write a speech for someone who has actual buttons on their shoes. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
I could do it. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
A little support round here would be nice. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-I'll write the speech. -I can't be bothered, Mum. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
I said I could do it. | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
Nice one, Jack. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
Why couldn't I do it? | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
I'd write something that's pure nice and really smart and that. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
I think it's pretty cool that we're getting a real prince in the house. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
Don't be daft, Jack. That's not the kind of thing you do. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:14 | |
You should draw the Prince a picture | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
and I could pretend to give it to him. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
-I really think I could do it. -You don't need to. You're Jack! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
He'll love you because you're cuddly and funny. Now, shut up! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
Fine, I won't even talk to Prince What's-his-face. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
It's "Charming". Now, we all know what jobs we have to do. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
We want to make this the best visit he's ever made. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Don't worry, love. We'll do you proud. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
I don't have a job yet. I could do something. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
I know, I could show him my collection of tea towels. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
Chill out, Jack, you're not the one who has a chore list as long as Rapunzel's scratty hair. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
Stop whining, Belle. It's your duty as a princess. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Now, we all know what jobs we have to do. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Bloomers! I need to get myself some lovely new bloomers. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:58 | |
Ugh! | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
# Oh, four and 20 and a boat... piddle-liddle-liddle-eh! | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
# Two giraffes and a drunken stoat... | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
-Hey, Dad. -Oh, you gave me a fright, son. You all right? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Have you sat on your hamster again? Because I don't know how many more times the little fella can take it. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
Nah, it's not that. I've just got some questions. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:18 | |
Oh, right. OK. Well... | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
when a man and a woman love each other very much, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
they go find a mermaid... | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Dad, stop. Not those kind of questions! | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
Thor be praised! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
It's all this Prince Charming stuff. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
I'm just...I feel a bit left out. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
-Left out? -Yeah. Everyone's got something to do except me. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
It wouldn't even matter if I wasn't there. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I just want to be part of it. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
Son, stop right now. You'll make yourself miserable | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
trying to be something you're not. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Just accept who you are. That, my son, is what happiness is. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
Really? It seems a bit unfair. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Trust me, son. No good ever came from thinking. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:59 | |
Mm. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
Hey, loser, have you seen my glass slippers anywhere? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
I suppose I ought to wear them for Princey Boy. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Why do you always call me loser? Is that what you really think of me? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
What? Don't be an idiot. You're my brother. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
It's my job to call you a loser. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
And anyway, you can take it - you're a loser! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
I don't know. It never used to bother me, | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
but just with all this stuff going on... | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
What stuff? Princey Pants? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
You see, you're not even excited about it, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
but you get to do loads of stuff for it. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
-You can do stuff for it. -I can't. Everyone thinks I'm useless. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
Jack. Are you, like, seriously, properly sad? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
I've never seen you like this before. It's weird. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Kinda just... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
I just don't feel like I'm treated the same as everyone else. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
I feel like I'm the pet dog and you expect me to do a wee on the carpet at any moment. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
OK. In that case, I've got some advice for you, | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
which I got from Snow White's book - Livin' With The Little Guys. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:52 | |
You have to believe in yourself | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
before other people will believe in you. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
She was actually talking about ghosts, but I think it still stands. Do you know what I mean? | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
I think so. Yeah, I just don't know how to go about it. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
It's simple. They won't let you do anything because they don't trust you. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
You've never helped before. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:09 | |
So, start by doing things and showing them they can trust you. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
Toot-toot-toot-toot! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
PARP! | 0:05:48 | 0:05:49 | |
I'm the one who replaces the flowers in this house, not him. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
Do I laze about all day watching cartoons? | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
No! They were lovely carnations, as well. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
What is Jack up to? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
Where is this coming from? It's unsettling. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
He nicked my skooshy cream! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
I can't deal with his nonsense right now. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
Which is why I've decided he can't be there to meet the Prince. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
What?! I can't believe just cos you're a little bit annoyed | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
you're not going to let him meet the Prince. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
You're not going to let me meet the Prince? Oh, come on! | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
-You'll just get in the way, Jack. -You're a loose cannon. Too risky. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Jack, I'm so sorry. They're being so stupid. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
You're getting above yourself. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Why can't you just be happy being Idle Jack? | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
OK. But at least let me meet him. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
Fine. Fine, you can meet Prince Charming. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Just to say, "hi", but don't do anything at all. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
-OK. -In fact, that goes for all of yous. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
Well, if he's going to meet him, he should come to the rehearsal. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
I believe our princess has finally agreed to write a speech. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
Did you put the fee in my account yet? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
The next £100 will be in tomorrow. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
PARP! | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
Right. Let's have a wee practice of and what to do | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
and how to behave when the Prince comes. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
-Now, Mother, you pretend to be the Prince. -Splendid. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
I'll greet you at the door, and curtsey, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
and maybe sing a little song about dreams, or lambs or something, | 0:07:12 | 0:07:17 | |
and then, Belle - you give your speech. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
I would like to take this opportunity to offer a warm welcome | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
to his Royal Highness, the Prince Charming. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
It is a great honour to have you in our humble home | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
and I hope we can offer you a slice of warm family life today. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
We like to think that we're a proper, loving and caring family. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:39 | |
It's really great that even someone with buttons on their shoes, | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
is able to see the possibility in simple things. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
And I know that, even though you are a prince, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
you take pride in seeing beyond appearances, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
even though it didn't work out with you and Cinderella. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
My brother Jack is going through a bit of a tough time right now. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
-And he'd like to say something. -No, no, no... | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
Sorry, Mum. It's a deal-breaker. Either Jack talks or I walk. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:05 | |
On you go, Jack. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED: -Hi there, Mr Prince... | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Sir. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:16 | |
My name's Jack and I know that people feel it's OK to write me off | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
as an idiot, I get that. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
But...what I need to know from you is, | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
where do I find the strength? | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
The strength to keep dulling down my ambitions? You know? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Maybe kill a few dreams and accept failure's a total certainty. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
Cos that's what you're all telling me to do. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
In all honestly I'd rather face the biggest giant, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
than live my life like that. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
So, Gran, please tell me, | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
where do I find the courage to meet your low expectations, eh? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:54 | |
Mum? Dad? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
I just wanted to be treated the same as everyone else. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
I know I'm lazy sometimes, | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
but it doesn't mean I'm worth less than any of you. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
And I want a bike with a monkey on... | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
You'll get more pocket money, son | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
That's quite enough empowerment for one day. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
-What about the monkey on the bike? -We'll talk about that later. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
So, that was it. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Princey Boy came and was, like, I knew he'd be, | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Boredom Central. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:31 | |
He kept going on about Jack's fighting spirit | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
and strong, youthful arms, which made Mum a bit miserable, | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
and slightly confused. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
And we let Jack do the speech. It was, like, terrible. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
But he did it, and the Prince really loved his tea towel collection. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
Like, a weird amount. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
And from that day on, we lived a little bit more equally ever after. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Tell you what, living in a house with my family, | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
these creatures can be a right to-do and a hoo-hah. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
You need rules. Well, a necessary evil, | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
but who makes the rules, hmm? | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
-Feet! -What are them? -They're slippers. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
JACK CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
-POSH VOICE: -All right, Mater. All right, Pater. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
What are you watching? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
-What are you after? -What do you mean? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
You haven't called me "Mater" since you were about eight. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
You haven't called me "Pater" since you burned my Susan Boyle tickets. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
-Remember? -You've no really let me forget... | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Have you done something to your beard, Dad? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
-No. -Are you sure? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Might have had it straightened. One-Eyed Phil's got GHDs. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
Other ceramic hair straighteners are available. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
It's not the point. You want something. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
-Well, I was wondering... -Yes? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
-I'd pay for it myself... -Yes? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
-Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one... -SPILL IT!!! | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
A tattoo. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
I knew this day would come. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:12 | |
Nooooooo! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
-Why not? -Oh, what's the reason again, Mother? It's on the tip... | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Because I said so! | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
What? So, that's it? No discussion? No debate? Just, "no"? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
Debate, you say? All right, present your case! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
Right. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:32 | |
I'd like a tattoo because... | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
..because Calum and Robbie and Omar have all got one. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
That it? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
All right. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
Noooooooo! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
-Mum?! -Sorry, sweetie. I'm with your dad on this one. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Well, at least let me Facebook the crew, | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
tell them my parents are pure dictators. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Uh-uh-uh! That's enough internet. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
What are you talking about? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
New house rule. One hour a day. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
-Since when? -Since I just decided. I did say, "new", didn't I? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
-Mum? -Sorry, son, I'm with your dad on this one, too. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
So, not only can I not get a tat, but I can't even tell my pals?! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Just tell them tomorrow. With your mouth and your face. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
What am I? Amish? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
I hate this house! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Tried knocking? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
-Dad's rationed the internet! -What? | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Hang on, I thought you were going out tonight? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Dad said I wasn't allowed. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
"No midweek nights out any more, arrrrr". | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
What do you mean he's rationed the internet? | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
One hour a day, he's suddenly decided! | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
Well, you know what, bro? He can't stop the internet. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
No-one can stop the internet. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
-Tried knocking? -My house, my doors. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Just to let you know, that's me stopped the internet. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
-And how did you manage that? -I switched off that router thingy. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Oh, and er...do us a favour. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Lose the make-up, love. It's like Madame Tussauds in here. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
Ooh! Ow! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
Ugh! Every time! Right, what's up with the internet? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:12 | |
I just lost Breaking Bad. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
We need to have a word, Gran. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Oi-oi. You lot look thick as thieves. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
There's scrambled eggs here if you want some. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Are you sure about that, Mother? Are you sure? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Or have you just given them all to Dad? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
No, they're definitely there. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
Right. What's all this about? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
The children and I have been having a discussion that they feel | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
you've been a bit strict-y digestives with them recently. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Right. And what do you think? | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
Well, I have to say I'm inclined to agree. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Five squares of toilet paper per visit? Really?! | 0:13:48 | 0:13:52 | |
-And what business is it of yours? -Blackbeard! | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
What do you mean, "What business be it of mine?" I'm their granny! | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
I have granny's rights! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
No, you don't. You don't have any rights. You just live here. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
Rent-free, I might add. It's not you that pays the mortgage. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
Neither do you! You told us you plundered this house | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
from the previous owners! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
No, you spawn-faced macaroon! I just done that for show! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
I paid the Mazzolinis the full asking price. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Which is why I gets to set the rules. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
Erm, aren't you forgetting someone? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
Actually, I'm with him on this one. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Well, I know you don't think I have rights, but I do live here, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
as does him and her. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
-Yeah. And we want to change the house rules. -Yeah. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
All right, then! Let me just fetch the book of house rules. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
Now, where did I leave them? Where did I...where did I...where did I... | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Oh, that's right, they don't exist! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Well, then, we want to write a set of house rules. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Yeah? Well, I don't want to. And what I say, goes. End of. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Well, we want a vote. End of. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
I suppose I can't argue with that. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
Fair's fair. We should make it legal, though, eh? | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Pirate's promise! | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
BLACKBEARD SPITS | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
There you go, my hearties. Lovely. Right, that's all above board, then. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
Right. So, here's how it's going to work, right? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
You get to vote, you get to vote. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
As the householders, your mother and I will get ten votes each. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
Now obviously, FG, it's different for you. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
You're an elderly stateswoman, a figure of respect. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
You've met minor royalty. So you get... | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
two votes. So let's do this. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
And votes against? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:34 | |
There you are. 20 votes to four against. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Motion denied, me hearties! Ha-ha! Oh... | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
I've got something for you. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
This power's totally gone to his head, man. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
He's become, like, totes unbearable. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
He always was totes unbearable. He's become totes impossible. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
Of course, you know what the French did to their tyrannicalistic leader? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
Was he a dinosaur? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
Cut his head off. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
You're not seriously suggesting we cut your father's head off? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
No, of course not! | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
I dunno, maybe just like... | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
-a toe or something? -Hmm. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
It's not your father we need to focus on... | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
It's the dinosaur. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
So, if you agree to support us, | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
Belle promises to do a full house Hoover on a bi-weekly basis, | 0:16:46 | 0:16:51 | |
and Jack promises to rub your feet on a tri-weekly basis. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:56 | |
And do you promise to stop rearranging the kitchen stuff? | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
-But it makes more sense to keep the herbs next to the... -Gran! | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
Yes, fine! So, do you agree to vote with us? | 0:17:01 | 0:17:06 | |
I have waiting for an hour - an HOUR - for my hot chocolate | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
-with the marshy-mallows and the skooshy-whooshy cream. -Oh... | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
Which one of yous is... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
-What's going on here? -We're writing up the new house rules. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
-Eh? You lost the vote! -We demand a recount! | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
Right, fine. Motion - to write up a new set of house rules. Votes for? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
And votes against? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:27 | |
Well, actually, there's one more vote for. Well, ten, technically. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
That don't count for nothing! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
Pirate's promise? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
ALL SPIT | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
HE GAGS | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
So, is the dress actually in the rule book? | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
Yes. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Where are the kids? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:05 | |
Have you not read your precious rules? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
It's Anything Goes Thursday! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
-It's a bit late for a weekday. -Arr. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
Hiya! | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Ooh! You missed a bit there, Dad! | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
-What time do you call this? -A great time! | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
Where's your brother? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Hi, guys! Bye, guys! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Stop right there, Jack! Show me your neck. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Other side. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
-Oh! -Right. You all had your fun with Dad, | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
and that's fair enough - he deserved it. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
But this - this is a step too far. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:49 | |
From now on, this house will be a democracy. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
Everyone has a say. An equal say. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
A proper vote. A secret vote. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
With an independent observer, appointed by the UN. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
Is everyone in agreement? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
ALL: Yes. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Good. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
I hope somebody wrote that down. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
So, there you go. Sorted itself out in the end. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
Although, who made Mother Goose Chief of Police? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
And where was Muggins when this was discussed? | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to my MP. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
Oh, every time. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:42 | |
Decision day is here. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Hot topic - where shall we go on our holidays? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Lucky us, you might think? This should be a treat. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:52 | |
Well, not in our family, it's not. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
The gloves are off, it's going to get messy. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
Bring it on! | 0:19:57 | 0:19:58 | |
Settle down, everybody. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:01 | |
Right...you all know the rules. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
There will be no waffling, no endless warbling | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
and no mud-slinging. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
Everyone gets to put forward their ideal holiday | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
and I shall tot up the score. Everybody ready? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
Aye-aye. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:18 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:21 | |
And remember, we will all show each other respect. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:29 | |
So, let's begin with last year's winner. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
Hm! In fact, the winner for the past four years, Blackbeard. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:36 | |
Thank you, Ref. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
Right, now, as reigning champion - | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
-and might I just add how proud and honoured that makes me feel... -Get on with it! -Sorry. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
I would like to propose the very healthy, long-life | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
safari holiday dream destination. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
ALL: Aww! Again! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
FANFARE ON TAPE PLAYER | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
POP | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Right, now, as everyone knows, safaris are good for you | 0:21:01 | 0:21:05 | |
and they helps you live longer! | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
What did you just say? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:10 | |
-I said, "Pfff"! -It is not "pfff". It's a true fact! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
-Helps you live longer. -It's not a true fact. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
How can sitting in the back of a bumpy Jeep | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
watching a rhino's wobbly bum possibly help you live longer? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
You leave rhinos out of this, young lady, I loves a rhino, me! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
Mum? Jack? Hello? Am I the only one here with a brain? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
We can't let him pull this "live longer safari" guff | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
for five years in a row! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
Jack, for pity's sake - say something! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
-Mince. -Ha! See? Even Jack thinks it's ridiculous. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
No, no, that's just what I fancy for my dinner tonight. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
Mince. Lovely mince. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Arrrgh...that's it! I've had enough. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
This is rubbish, you're talking complete rubbish, Dad. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
You stupid... LOUD BLAST | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
Respect! No mud-slinging! | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
-Yellow card! -Oh, come on, Ref! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
It's five minutes in the doghouse for you, Belle. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
-You know the rules. -Yes, Gran. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
'Ah, Belle, don't blow it now. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
'Think of all that total work you've put in. All that research. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:17 | |
'You can do it, girl.' | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Not the best of starts, people. Let's try again. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
Right, now, where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
by Princess Pie-Mouth over there? | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
-Respect! -Sorry. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Right, like, as I was saying, safaris are good for you. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
Everybody loves them and they help you live longer. Fact! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:42 | |
Wow! That is amazing! Fascinating! | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
The things you know, Dad. You're, like...inspirational! | 0:22:46 | 0:22:50 | |
'It's in the bag! Safari, here we come! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:55 | |
'Rhino-tastic! Five in a row! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
-'Championee! Championee!' -Tell us, please, | 0:22:58 | 0:23:02 | |
-where did you find out about this? -Huh? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
You know, the fact that safaris help you live longer? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
-I don't know, I read it somewhere. -Of course. Where? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
-What? -Where did you read it? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
In a...in a magazine. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
I don't suppose you recall the name of the magazine? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
Well, I don't know, do I? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
It was Seashells, or Plunder, or what's that other one...? | 0:23:18 | 0:23:23 | |
No, that's right, yeah. It was an old copy of Plunder | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
I read in the dentist just the other day. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
Just the other day? But you've been telling us | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
about this safari health benefit thingy for four years now! | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
Did I say the other day? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:38 | |
I meant four years ago... the other day. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
Well, I've just downloaded the last ten years of Plunder | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
and done an associated word search | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
for "health", "live long", "safari" and "rhino", | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
and I have come back with... diddly-squat! Nada, nothing. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:54 | |
My father lied to me. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
All my young faith and idealism snuffed out in one tiny moment. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
Goodbye, childhood. Hello, uncertain future. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Yellow card for Blackbeard, presenting opinion as fact. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:09 | |
Or as I like to call it, making stuff up. Next speaker. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
Mother Goose, next up. She's been a little quiet, pre-season. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
Not exactly what you'd call match fit. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
-I heard that! -Sorry! | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
You're on! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
Well, I haven't given it much thought, really, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
but I guess what I'd like | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
is some good old-fashioned sun, sea and sand. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
A beach holiday! Like you see on the telly. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
Oh, I can just picture it. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
Hot sun, blue skies, azure waters lapping at the sand... | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
The smell of freshly applied suntan lotion on your skin, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
glancing up as a family pass by. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
Ooh! That lady looks a lot like Kerry Katona. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
I wonder if they're staying in the same hotel as us? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
Flip-flops on hot sand as you paddle to the water's edge... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
THEY SNORE | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
The most important aspect of the humble beach towel is, for me, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
the colourful patterns which adorn them. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Here are some of my favourites. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
'Ooh! Show them that one you got in Majorca, | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
'the one with the cheeky donkey and the castanets!' | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
So, in a seashell - L-O-L - sun, sea, sand. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:21 | |
But like I said, I haven't thought about it much. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Well done, Mum. That was a whole four hours shorter than last year. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
Really? Oh, I forgot the slide show! | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
Moving on! Jack. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Yes? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
Well, it's your turn. Dream holiday? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
Oh, yep. I'm on it. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
HE MUMBLES THROUGH SNORKEL | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
I would like to swim with the fishes. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
Is that it? I thought you'd been preparing. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
I have been. I watched that Blue Planet. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Let me tell you, some of the fishes on that programme, | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
they'd blow your mind. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
There's one, right, I like to call him the big, daft, disco fish. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
He's amazing. Oh, and then I bought the snorkeler. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
Is that all you have for us, Jack? | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Well, it can't be some place too hot. I burn rather easily. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
It has to have Wi-Fi. And, er... | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
'Banana bread.' | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
..and banana bread! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
So, moving on, finally, to you, Belle. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts, | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
opinions, useful facts. But most of all, | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
thank you for sharing your dreams. Now, this is my dream - | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
the Snow White Seven Mountain Ski Trip. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
But after listening to all of your wants and needs, | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
I have decided that this holiday decision is too important | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
for only one of us to win. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:00 | |
Somehow, this is something that all of us have to win. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
So, I'm going to risk going off-piste. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
That's a winner for me, Belle. I love a bit of vino de plonko! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
I'm going to dispense with my carefully prepared notes. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
And, if I may, respond from my heart to the dreams I have heard today. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
Oh, she is good. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
Let's start with you, Mum, the sun worshiper. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
That's me. Guilty as charged! | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Well, think on this, Mum. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
You're standing on top of one of the seven snowy mountains. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
The sky is blue, the sun is beaming down | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
and reflecting off the pure white powder snow. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
-Instant tan. -Really? -Really. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
And what's more, all the celebs go skiing. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
I'm talking the Beckhams, | 0:27:42 | 0:27:43 | |
I'm talking at least one Kardashian. Possibly two. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Sounds like heaven. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
-Jack. You love the water. -Do I? | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
You do. And what is snow but frozen water? | 0:27:53 | 0:27:57 | |
-Buzz! Point of order, point of order! -Oh, be quiet. Whisht! | 0:27:57 | 0:28:01 | |
It's all right, Gran - let him speak. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
Water is nothing like snow. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:04 | |
It's a blatant lie. Water falls down from the sky, but snow... | 0:28:04 | 0:28:10 | |
-Oh, kippers. -If I may continue. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
-Also, Jack, while skiing, the wearing of goggles is compulsory. -Really?! | 0:28:12 | 0:28:18 | |
Totes. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
But what about the fishes? | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
Well, how about this? We'll stay in a village | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
which is only a cable car ride away from...an aquarium! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
Oh! Does it have the big daft disco fish? | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
There's only one way to find out! | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Ooh! Please, please, please. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:39 | |
Which just leaves you, Dad. | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
Give it your best shot. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
The pirate. Standing strong on the high seas. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
Peril and danger, your constant companions. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
Your heart pounding, the blood rushing. And just like when | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
that Jeep bounced over the savanna, following that enchanting rhino, | 0:28:55 | 0:28:59 | |
you've never felt more alive than now, | 0:28:59 | 0:29:02 | |
as you hurtle down the mountainside on your skis faster and faster | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
towards an almost certain catastrophe... | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
Yes! Death or glory! | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
Skiing, Dad. | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
Skiing is danger, skiing is peril, | 0:29:13 | 0:29:17 | |
skiing can leave you with broken bones. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
Broken bones, you say? | 0:29:20 | 0:29:22 | |
Oh, that's danger all right! | 0:29:22 | 0:29:25 | |
In conclusion, you will find brochures, photos and information | 0:29:25 | 0:29:29 | |
in this file, which you are welcome to have a look at. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:31 | |
Please feel free to check all the facts, | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 | |
or if you wish, you may download the presentation from my website. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
Thank you for listening. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:37 | |
WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
Game over. Well done, everybody. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
I shall be back in half an hour with the results. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
Oh, what's the point? We know who's won this. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:48 | |
My darling princess. She's stormed it. We've got us a new champion! | 0:29:48 | 0:29:52 | |
Belle, you were brilliant! | 0:29:52 | 0:29:54 | |
Big daft snowy disco fish... | 0:29:55 | 0:29:58 | |
"Dear Gran, having a wonderful time here! | 0:30:00 | 0:30:03 | |
"Mum is browning nicely. Jack has hardly been out of the aquarium, | 0:30:03 | 0:30:08 | |
"and Dad has broken two legs! | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
"But sadly not his own. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:12 | |
"Everyone is so pleased they picked my idea. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
"Much love and kisses, Belle." | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
Respect! | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
A wrong has been committed. The consequences have been grim. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:34 | |
A fight has been fought and the battle won. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
By me, the hapless son. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:42 | |
Let me take you back. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
MARCHING-STYLE DRUMS | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
Enough is enough. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:56 | |
Oh! And just where do you think you're going | 0:30:56 | 0:30:59 | |
with that flame-thrower, young lady? | 0:30:59 | 0:31:01 | |
Oh, hi, Gran, it's Jack's room, it's, like, so disgusting. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:05 | |
There's weird gurgling sounds, scratchings in the night. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:08 | |
I think there's something living in there. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:10 | |
Yes, of course there is, Belle. It's your brother! | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
No, something else. Something...unearthly. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:16 | |
And it totally stinks. I can smell it from my room. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
Jack's a boy. Of course it stinks! | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
OMG. This is, like, way worse than that. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:24 | |
And he refuses to clean it, so I'm going in. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:26 | |
With a flame-thrower? | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
Gran, this is, like, way beyond dusty. I don't have a choice. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:31 | |
-Do you have his permission? -Yeah, right(!) | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
Beware the consequences, Belle. That's all I'm saying. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
Well, I'm a big girl. I can take them. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:39 | |
Out the way, old lady. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:41 | |
Old lady? I'll give her old lady! | 0:31:42 | 0:31:46 | |
Uh! Does it have to be Dirty Dancing again? | 0:31:49 | 0:31:51 | |
No-one puts Baby in a corner. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
Oh, don't sulk, my love. What would you rather watch? | 0:31:53 | 0:31:56 | |
Pirates Of The Caribbean. First one's a classic! | 0:31:56 | 0:31:58 | |
Not the later ones. They're a bit far-fetched. | 0:31:58 | 0:32:01 | |
-Well, we've got all afternoon, let's watch both! -Deal! | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
My room! | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
-BOTH: -# I've had the time of my life... # | 0:32:16 | 0:32:22 | |
Mum, Dad, Belle's been in my room! She's burnt it to a crisp! | 0:32:22 | 0:32:26 | |
Everything's incinerated. All my stuff's gone! | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
Ah, how do you know it was me? | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
Er, who else knows how to use a flame-thrower? | 0:32:31 | 0:32:33 | |
Well, you got me there, Sherlock. | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
And now she's sitting there smirking! | 0:32:36 | 0:32:37 | |
What are you going to do about it? She needs to be punished! | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
Banished to the Freaky Forest and slowly eaten by woodland creatures | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
who haven't eaten since last week. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:46 | |
Ooh, a weekend in the Freaky Forest. I'm so scared(!) | 0:32:46 | 0:32:49 | |
-Mum! -We'll deal with it later, Jack, after the film. -Dad! | 0:32:49 | 0:32:53 | |
-HE SOBS -What your mother said. | 0:32:53 | 0:32:55 | |
I'm sure Belle was only playing. | 0:32:55 | 0:32:57 | |
Right, that's it! No-one ever listens to me. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:04 | |
I quit! I'm leaving! | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
Thanks, Steve. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
I'm leaving this house. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
Don't be late for tea. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
I'm going now, forever. Look, I've already packed. | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
Shut the door on the way out. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:19 | |
Right, I will. You'll be sorry. | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
Leaving home again, Jack? | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
Belle's destroyed my room. Can you believe that? | 0:33:27 | 0:33:30 | |
And Mum and Dad, they're too busy to do anything about it. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
That's fine. I'll make my own way in the world. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
I hear you, Jack. But, you know, you do run away a lot. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:40 | |
Almost every day. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
Yeah, it's all got a bit "boy who cried wolf". | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
You know, if you really want their attention, | 0:33:44 | 0:33:47 | |
you need to try something a bit more eye-catching. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
Tell me more. | 0:33:52 | 0:33:53 | |
Hurry up, Jack, I'm busting here. | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
How long are you going to be, anyway? | 0:33:58 | 0:34:01 | |
As long as it takes, Dad. | 0:34:01 | 0:34:03 | |
-WHISPERS: -As long as it takes. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
How long as he been in there, anyway? | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
Since Saturday, I think. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:15 | |
Three days?! Right, I'm going to the sink. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
You will not, you filthy animal! | 0:34:18 | 0:34:19 | |
You can go in the kennel like everyone else. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:21 | |
-There's a bucket in there. -Kennel?! | 0:34:21 | 0:34:24 | |
Eurrgh! Has Belle been shaving her legs in here? | 0:34:24 | 0:34:29 | |
Aye. | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
HE GAGS | 0:34:31 | 0:34:32 | |
Oh, Jack! I'm so proud of you. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
Though I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
things have dragged on for so long. | 0:34:39 | 0:34:42 | |
I thought the press and media would have been all over this ages ago. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:46 | |
The press? | 0:34:46 | 0:34:47 | |
Jack? You have told your mum and dad and the press why you're doing this? | 0:34:47 | 0:34:53 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:34:53 | 0:34:54 | |
Leave it to me. I have friends in the media. | 0:34:54 | 0:34:58 | |
Hallooo! Catriona? | 0:35:01 | 0:35:04 | |
Have I got news for you! | 0:35:04 | 0:35:06 | |
HE SNORES | 0:35:11 | 0:35:13 | |
Oh! I tell you what, if we had a plank, I'd be walking it by now. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:24 | |
SHE SNIFFS, THEN SIGHS | 0:35:35 | 0:35:36 | |
Dad, I need a shower. It's not fair! | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
-TV: -'And support is growing for a local boy's so-called dirty protest. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:46 | |
'Tonight we report on the plight of Idle Jack...' | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
Whoa, whoa! I'm watching this. Mother! | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
'His protest has seen him locked in a lavatory. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:54 | |
'Oh, dear, what can the matter be? I hear you ask. | 0:35:54 | 0:35:56 | |
'Well, a statement released just moments ago puts | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
'the blame on his manky sister, | 0:35:59 | 0:36:01 | |
'Princess Belle, for torching his bedroom...' | 0:36:01 | 0:36:04 | |
-Belle! -Sssh! | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
'..and his weak-willed parents for not sorting her out. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:09 | |
'Idle Jack completely exonerated | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
'his unusually youthful Gran from all blame.' | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
Enough! Switch it off. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
So, that's what this is all about. The cheek of it! | 0:36:15 | 0:36:19 | |
I hope no-one we know has just seen that. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:22 | |
THEIR MOBILE PHONES RING | 0:36:22 | 0:36:27 | |
Yes? You're cancelling my entire winter season? | 0:36:29 | 0:36:32 | |
You can't do that! Oh, yes, you can? | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
You can't throw me out of Seafarer's Golf Club! | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
I've been a member since I was a cabin boy! | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
SHE GASPS You can't pull my sponsorship. | 0:36:42 | 0:36:45 | |
I can't live without free shoes! | 0:36:45 | 0:36:47 | |
Right. It's time we listened to his side of the story. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:53 | |
Find out what he wants. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:54 | |
I'm going in. | 0:36:57 | 0:36:58 | |
-FROM OUTSIDE: -So, to recap. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
You will come out if, A - you get a lock for your bedroom... | 0:37:03 | 0:37:06 | |
With only one key. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:07 | |
With only one key, of course. | 0:37:07 | 0:37:10 | |
And B - you get exclusive use of Belle's room while yours | 0:37:10 | 0:37:13 | |
is being redecorated in any style you chose. | 0:37:13 | 0:37:17 | |
And C - while your room is being redecorated, | 0:37:17 | 0:37:20 | |
Belle must sleep in a tent in the garden | 0:37:20 | 0:37:23 | |
as suitable punishment for... | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
..the wrongs that she has committed. Yes. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
Son, I think we have a deal. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:32 | |
Great, I'll be out in a minute. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:36 | |
Yes! I'll let everyone know. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
Oh! Oh, Jack. Well done! | 0:37:41 | 0:37:45 | |
You showed incredible strength, sticking to your guns like you did. | 0:37:45 | 0:37:49 | |
I'll be honest, I never thought you'd last this long. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:52 | |
Neither did I. To be equally honest, though, | 0:37:52 | 0:37:55 | |
it's only cos I lost the key to this a week ago. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
Hang on... | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
Oh, ya numpty! | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
SHE TUTS | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
Oh, Jack! | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
# Oh, we set our sails For the South of France | 0:38:19 | 0:38:22 | |
# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee | 0:38:22 | 0:38:23 | |
# And became straight back Cos we left our pants | 0:38:23 | 0:38:25 | |
# Deedle-deedle-deedle dee-ee. # | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
OWL HOOTS That...kennel...stinks! | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
Yep, that's right. Victory is mine. | 0:38:37 | 0:38:41 | |
I nailed my colours to the mast and I saw it through to the end. | 0:38:41 | 0:38:45 | |
So, people - some valuable lessons have been learned here today. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:50 | |
Not least of which is - you don't mess with Jack's stuff. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:55 | |
So, I don't like to complain. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
Well, I DO like to complain, and if necessary, I'll take action | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
to encourage people to do the right thing. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:19 | |
But, with my family, they just seem to love bickering. | 0:39:19 | 0:39:23 | |
Ooh! | 0:39:27 | 0:39:28 | |
I've had it up to here with them and their stupid faces. | 0:39:28 | 0:39:32 | |
-Up to where? -Up to at least here. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:35 | |
-That's not that high. -Are you saying I've got stubby legs? | 0:39:35 | 0:39:39 | |
Cos my legs are as high as they could possibly be. | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
You know, I've been doing exercises off the internet, | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
but they just make my feet go bigger. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
Mum, learn to stick to the point. Who are you upset with? | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
Our stupid next door neighbours. | 0:39:49 | 0:39:52 | |
The Ghosts? | 0:39:52 | 0:39:53 | |
Aye. That Mrs Ghost, she thinks she's so brilliant, | 0:39:53 | 0:39:56 | |
but I can see right through her. | 0:39:56 | 0:39:57 | |
-Honestly! She just had a right go at me. -About what? | 0:39:57 | 0:40:00 | |
-Your gran. -Gran? | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
Aye. She says she's out of control, that she's gone "toooooo faaaar". | 0:40:02 | 0:40:06 | |
Mum, I don't think you should make "ooo" noises | 0:40:06 | 0:40:09 | |
when you're talking about ghosts. That's quite racist. | 0:40:09 | 0:40:11 | |
She says that she's turned their dog into this. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:15 | |
Is that Cinnamon? The yappy, little rat thing? | 0:40:15 | 0:40:18 | |
The one that sounds like Miley Cyrus? | 0:40:18 | 0:40:20 | |
Mm. She says your gran can't be trusted out by herself any more, | 0:40:20 | 0:40:23 | |
and we should confiscate her wand. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
They can't make us do anything, Mum. It'll be fine. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
I'm so annoyed! She was all, like, "Oooooooh"! | 0:40:28 | 0:40:31 | |
Seriously, Mum, stop with the "oooh"s. Have you spoken to Gran? | 0:40:31 | 0:40:35 | |
What am I going to say to her? | 0:40:35 | 0:40:36 | |
"Hi, Mum. I like your hair. By the way, we've all decided | 0:40:36 | 0:40:39 | |
"you're cracking up, so hand over your wand"? | 0:40:39 | 0:40:41 | |
-That'll go down well(!) -Mm... | 0:40:41 | 0:40:44 | |
Er, Mum, you can't tell Dad about this. | 0:40:44 | 0:40:47 | |
Seriously, he's been wanting to siege the Ghosts for years. | 0:40:47 | 0:40:50 | |
I think you'll find I'm the parent here, | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
and I'll decide what I tell my husband, thank you, young lady. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
And if I choose to tell him that a ghost-y lady wants to have | 0:40:55 | 0:40:58 | |
my mother arrested, then that's my business, so get out of my grille. | 0:40:58 | 0:41:02 | |
What?! I knew those Ghosts would do something like this one day. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:07 | |
I'm going to siege them! | 0:41:07 | 0:41:09 | |
Wait! Wait! Wait, Beardy! | 0:41:09 | 0:41:11 | |
Oi! What are you doing? | 0:41:11 | 0:41:13 | |
-Oh! Ow! -COMMOTION | 0:41:13 | 0:41:15 | |
For the love of Penzance, stop starting sieges! | 0:41:15 | 0:41:18 | |
-Violence is not always the answer! -Not the face, love! | 0:41:18 | 0:41:22 | |
When we got married, you made a promise - a pirate's oath - | 0:41:22 | 0:41:25 | |
not to attack our friends, family or neighbours | 0:41:25 | 0:41:28 | |
unless I absolutely gave you permission, and I don't. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
Darn, that unbreakable pirate oath! | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
You never let me siege anyone any more. | 0:41:33 | 0:41:35 | |
That's cos your reasons for sieging are rubbish! | 0:41:35 | 0:41:38 | |
Arrr...but not in this case. | 0:41:38 | 0:41:39 | |
Thanks, Janice. | 0:41:42 | 0:41:43 | |
Then there's the issue of their tree. Big massive tree, | 0:41:45 | 0:41:47 | |
dropping its stupid acorns dropping all over the place | 0:41:47 | 0:41:50 | |
Oh, and then those aggressive notes they leave everywhere: | 0:41:50 | 0:41:54 | |
"Can you please not park your car here?" | 0:41:54 | 0:41:57 | |
"Can you please make sure you take your bins back in?" | 0:41:57 | 0:42:00 | |
"Can you please stop your kids going up the shops in their jammies?" | 0:42:00 | 0:42:04 | |
We're not the only ones in the street with a problem with them. | 0:42:04 | 0:42:07 | |
Really? Is she like this with other people, too? | 0:42:07 | 0:42:09 | |
They're a nightmare! All the neighbours have been wanting | 0:42:09 | 0:42:12 | |
someone to take action for ages now. It's well documented. | 0:42:12 | 0:42:16 | |
Seriously, Dad, you need to calm, like, down. | 0:42:16 | 0:42:19 | |
Go on, love. A quick siege, put the frighteners right up them. | 0:42:19 | 0:42:23 | |
Then the whole street would be a nicer place. | 0:42:23 | 0:42:25 | |
Go on, give us your permission. Then you won't have to | 0:42:25 | 0:42:28 | |
worry about your mum getting taken away and locked up. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:30 | |
A siege isn't the answer. | 0:42:30 | 0:42:32 | |
We need to think of other ways of handling this. | 0:42:32 | 0:42:34 | |
All right. We could egg their house! | 0:42:34 | 0:42:38 | |
But we use eggs AND chickens. | 0:42:38 | 0:42:40 | |
They'll be so caught up trying to work out | 0:42:40 | 0:42:42 | |
which one happened first, they'll collapse with confusion. | 0:42:42 | 0:42:45 | |
Then we'll get rats to poo in their cereal bowls! | 0:42:45 | 0:42:49 | |
And we'll toilet paper all their toilet paper! | 0:42:49 | 0:42:52 | |
What's going on? | 0:42:52 | 0:42:53 | |
We're going to war, son. With the Ghosts next door. | 0:42:53 | 0:42:56 | |
Come on, we'll get some doubloons and buy some eggs. | 0:42:56 | 0:42:59 | |
I in no way give you my permission. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
Mum, think about this for a second. | 0:43:01 | 0:43:03 | |
The neighbours are allowed to be annoyed. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:05 | |
Gran did turn their dog into a gnome. The truth is, we're all too busy | 0:43:05 | 0:43:08 | |
and we're not looking after Gran like we should. | 0:43:08 | 0:43:10 | |
Maybe - and I know this seems totally harsh - but maybe | 0:43:10 | 0:43:13 | |
we should think about putting Gran into a home. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
She's not going into a home! | 0:43:16 | 0:43:17 | |
I've been on the internet and there are people | 0:43:17 | 0:43:19 | |
in the fairy godmother retirement business | 0:43:19 | 0:43:21 | |
who can give her the right support. She could go there during the week. | 0:43:21 | 0:43:24 | |
They get trips out and everything. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:26 | |
-Really? -This way there doesn't need to be a war. | 0:43:26 | 0:43:29 | |
The neighbours will be happy, | 0:43:29 | 0:43:31 | |
and we'd be doing the right thing for Gran. | 0:43:31 | 0:43:33 | |
Well, perhaps I could at least take a look. | 0:43:33 | 0:43:36 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll decide when my mother-in-law | 0:43:36 | 0:43:39 | |
is due to get locked up. | 0:43:39 | 0:43:41 | |
-You're being weak! -I have to think what's best for everybody. | 0:43:41 | 0:43:45 | |
Perhaps I should just apologise. | 0:43:45 | 0:43:47 | |
And admit you're wrong? THEY'RE wrong! | 0:43:47 | 0:43:50 | |
They're wrong about no trampolining on a Sunday, | 0:43:50 | 0:43:53 | |
-and they're wrong about this! -Mum, listen... | 0:43:53 | 0:43:56 | |
-Don't listen to her, she's just a child. -Oh! I am not a child! | 0:43:56 | 0:44:00 | |
If I wants a Sunday bounce, I'll have a Sunday bounce. | 0:44:03 | 0:44:06 | |
-This war idea is so stupid. -Dad knows what he's doing. He's Dad. | 0:44:07 | 0:44:11 | |
Have you ever thought about this? Using your own actual thoughts? | 0:44:11 | 0:44:17 | |
I don't need to, Dad's done all the thinking. | 0:44:17 | 0:44:19 | |
Though I've got no idea what he was talking about yesterday. | 0:44:19 | 0:44:22 | |
It was this thing, it was like a zoo just for bees and birds. | 0:44:22 | 0:44:25 | |
But this war thing - now, I totally understood that. | 0:44:25 | 0:44:28 | |
-Also, Dad's promised me a new bike. -Don't fall for that again. | 0:44:28 | 0:44:32 | |
Remember when he said he'd get you a new laptop? | 0:44:32 | 0:44:35 | |
What did he actually get you? | 0:44:35 | 0:44:36 | |
A typewriter with a calculator strapped to the side. | 0:44:36 | 0:44:39 | |
And when he said he'd take you on a lovely trip? | 0:44:39 | 0:44:41 | |
He just pushed me into a bin, then put the photos on his blog. | 0:44:41 | 0:44:44 | |
And then he filmed it and put that on the school website. | 0:44:44 | 0:44:47 | |
And you think this man can be trusted? | 0:44:47 | 0:44:49 | |
Hang on. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:52 | |
Hi, it's me. | 0:44:57 | 0:44:59 | |
My sister says I should think for myself, what do you think? | 0:44:59 | 0:45:02 | |
Uh-huh? | 0:45:02 | 0:45:04 | |
Oh, right. Yep. OK. OK. | 0:45:04 | 0:45:07 | |
Erm, blue... No, no! Red! | 0:45:07 | 0:45:10 | |
Yeah, yeah, red. With wheels and a bell, | 0:45:10 | 0:45:14 | |
and a basket to put my monkey in. | 0:45:14 | 0:45:16 | |
OK, right, thanks, Dad. Bye-bye! | 0:45:16 | 0:45:20 | |
Did you actually...actually just ask Dad if you could think for yourself? | 0:45:20 | 0:45:25 | |
Yes, I did. | 0:45:25 | 0:45:27 | |
Wow. | 0:45:27 | 0:45:29 | |
Fine, if he wants to play it like that. | 0:45:29 | 0:45:32 | |
Agree with me and get Mum onside with the old folks' home, | 0:45:32 | 0:45:36 | |
-and you can have Gran's bedroom. -Really? | 0:45:36 | 0:45:40 | |
Really. And you know I deliver. | 0:45:40 | 0:45:42 | |
Do the right thing, Jack. Think for yourself. | 0:45:42 | 0:45:46 | |
I'd better get back in there. | 0:45:46 | 0:45:48 | |
Oh... | 0:45:49 | 0:45:51 | |
I don't know what to do, now. | 0:45:51 | 0:45:53 | |
Bike or a room? | 0:45:53 | 0:45:57 | |
Bike or a room? | 0:45:57 | 0:46:01 | |
Ow! | 0:46:01 | 0:46:02 | |
"Babe, you seriously need to sort out your gran, | 0:46:08 | 0:46:11 | |
"otherwise we won't be able to see each other again. | 0:46:11 | 0:46:14 | |
"Gary." Gary? Gary Ghost! | 0:46:14 | 0:46:19 | |
Why can't I see Gary again? | 0:46:19 | 0:46:21 | |
Is he upgrading his ghostiness? Is he here now? | 0:46:21 | 0:46:25 | |
Ow! | 0:46:25 | 0:46:26 | |
"Not you, you idiot. That last note was meant for your sister. | 0:46:34 | 0:46:37 | |
"Your hair looks nice, by the way. Gary." | 0:46:37 | 0:46:40 | |
Oh. Thanks, babe! | 0:46:40 | 0:46:43 | |
So, my feisty plum, just give us permission. You know you want to. | 0:46:45 | 0:46:48 | |
Don't do it, Mum. You need to hear what Jack has to say. | 0:46:48 | 0:46:51 | |
That's the first sensible thing you've said. | 0:46:51 | 0:46:53 | |
-I've decided I'm definitely against the war. -What?! | 0:46:59 | 0:47:03 | |
-Really, Jack? Why's that? -Well, this way everyone wins. | 0:47:03 | 0:47:06 | |
Dad doesn't need to bribe me with a new bike, | 0:47:06 | 0:47:09 | |
Gran gets dumped in a home, | 0:47:09 | 0:47:10 | |
I get her big bedroom, and Belle can keep snogging Gary Ghost. | 0:47:10 | 0:47:14 | |
Yay! Everyone's a winner! | 0:47:14 | 0:47:16 | |
Gary Ghost? The Ghost's son? | 0:47:16 | 0:47:19 | |
I'm disappointed in you, Belle. | 0:47:19 | 0:47:21 | |
-It wasn't... -You were just looking after yourself. -Snogging the enemy! | 0:47:21 | 0:47:24 | |
ALL TALK AT ONCE Coo-ee! It's only me. | 0:47:24 | 0:47:28 | |
Oh, thank you, Belle, dear. That's just what I was after. | 0:47:28 | 0:47:33 | |
I've agreed with the Ghosts to lift my spell on Cinnamon. | 0:47:33 | 0:47:36 | |
Carry on yelling! | 0:47:36 | 0:47:38 | |
So, thanks to my little spell, the Ghosts have been persuaded | 0:47:43 | 0:47:48 | |
to poop scoop - it's a victory for clean feet everywhere! | 0:47:48 | 0:47:53 | |
Right, Cinnamon. | 0:47:53 | 0:47:54 | |
Oh, what was that spell again? | 0:47:54 | 0:47:56 | |
I shake you once, I... SMASH | 0:47:56 | 0:47:58 | |
..shake you twice. | 0:47:58 | 0:48:01 | |
Ooops! | 0:48:01 | 0:48:02 | |
I tell you something, landlubbers. | 0:48:14 | 0:48:16 | |
If I learned anything from my many years on the high seas, | 0:48:16 | 0:48:19 | |
'tis this - you got to know your arrr from your elbow. Ha-har! | 0:48:19 | 0:48:23 | |
And, if you wants to get the treasure, | 0:48:23 | 0:48:26 | |
you can't stay on the boat sitting on your hands. No! | 0:48:26 | 0:48:30 | |
You gots to get off the boat. You gots to dig. | 0:48:30 | 0:48:34 | |
Gots to get your hands dirty. | 0:48:34 | 0:48:36 | |
This be what's called an extended metaphor, me hearties. Arr. | 0:48:36 | 0:48:40 | |
Get your peepers round this. | 0:48:40 | 0:48:42 | |
Seriously, son? Crisps for breakfast? | 0:48:49 | 0:48:52 | |
Er...? | 0:48:52 | 0:48:53 | |
Yeah, but this is pure protein. That's just carrrrbs. | 0:48:53 | 0:48:56 | |
"That's just carrrrbs"! | 0:48:56 | 0:48:58 | |
Why don't you have cereal like your sister? | 0:49:00 | 0:49:03 | |
There's no Chocolate Ninja Stars left. | 0:49:03 | 0:49:05 | |
Oh, right. Did someone forget to buy them? | 0:49:05 | 0:49:09 | |
Please tell your father that someone was too busy scrubbing and cleaning, | 0:49:09 | 0:49:12 | |
while someone else doesn't even know his way to the supermarket. | 0:49:12 | 0:49:16 | |
Yeah? | 0:49:16 | 0:49:17 | |
You tell your mother that someone was busy travelling the seven seas | 0:49:17 | 0:49:21 | |
putting his life on the line to provide for his family. | 0:49:21 | 0:49:24 | |
Well, you tell someone that someone better change the record! | 0:49:24 | 0:49:28 | |
Well, you tell someone that it's just a bit of | 0:49:28 | 0:49:30 | |
scrubbing and cleaning. How hard could it be? | 0:49:30 | 0:49:32 | |
Sorry - who are we actually talking about here? | 0:49:32 | 0:49:34 | |
Belle! That's no way for a princess to behave! | 0:49:36 | 0:49:39 | |
A pirate, maybe, but not a princess. | 0:49:39 | 0:49:42 | |
Why did I marry a pirate?! | 0:49:42 | 0:49:44 | |
Why did you?! | 0:49:44 | 0:49:46 | |
-Oh, dear. Are those two still a bit fighty biscuits? -Mm-hmm. | 0:49:46 | 0:49:50 | |
Right, you - fire up that computer. | 0:49:50 | 0:49:53 | |
Like it, Granny! Online solutions. | 0:49:53 | 0:49:55 | |
Fix my marriage-dot-lurrve! | 0:49:55 | 0:49:57 | |
No, Ryanair-dot-com. | 0:49:57 | 0:50:00 | |
Other airline websites are available. | 0:50:00 | 0:50:03 | |
-FG is getting outta here. -What?! | 0:50:03 | 0:50:06 | |
Tinker Bell has been asking me for ages to visit her in Neverland. | 0:50:06 | 0:50:09 | |
And with those two kicking off, now seems like a very good time. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:13 | |
-You're not going, Gran. You can't! -You have to sort it, Gran! | 0:50:13 | 0:50:16 | |
-Why is it always left to me to sort it? -I'm not getting involved. | 0:50:16 | 0:50:19 | |
-Why not? -I'm too young! | 0:50:19 | 0:50:20 | |
Yeah! We've got... What do you call them? Children's rights! | 0:50:20 | 0:50:24 | |
What? The right to not get off your bahookie and do something? | 0:50:24 | 0:50:28 | |
-Yeah. -Exactly. | 0:50:28 | 0:50:30 | |
Oh, for the love of... | 0:50:30 | 0:50:31 | |
Look - are you happy with the situation? | 0:50:31 | 0:50:34 | |
No. I hate it when they fight. | 0:50:34 | 0:50:37 | |
-Well, then. Get involved! Engage! -How? | 0:50:37 | 0:50:39 | |
Oh, close. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:48 | |
-It's all in there. -It's massive. How are we supposed to read this? | 0:50:48 | 0:50:52 | |
May I suggest you start somewhere in the vicinity of Page One? | 0:50:52 | 0:50:56 | |
"Chapter One - | 0:51:00 | 0:51:02 | |
"establishing a line of communication with the injured parties." | 0:51:02 | 0:51:05 | |
-Where are you off to, my love? -Out. -Who with? -You don't know them. | 0:51:09 | 0:51:12 | |
-You got any homework, son? -No. | 0:51:12 | 0:51:14 | |
-That's a lie, isn't it? -Aye. | 0:51:14 | 0:51:18 | |
I reckon that's about as much conversation | 0:51:18 | 0:51:20 | |
as I can handle with the parentage. | 0:51:20 | 0:51:21 | |
I know. Imagine having to discuss their love life. | 0:51:21 | 0:51:24 | |
I say we choose the path of least resistance. | 0:51:26 | 0:51:29 | |
Yeah. Either that, or just do nothing. | 0:51:29 | 0:51:33 | |
It'll probably just blow over. | 0:51:33 | 0:51:34 | |
Yeah. I mean, how bad is it really, anyways? | 0:51:34 | 0:51:37 | |
Please tell me you've washed my PE kit. | 0:51:42 | 0:51:45 | |
Sorry, son. Your father is now in charge of cleaning and laundry. | 0:51:45 | 0:51:48 | |
I can see that. | 0:51:48 | 0:51:50 | |
Please tell me you've washed my emerald green ball gown. | 0:51:50 | 0:51:53 | |
Newsflash. | 0:51:53 | 0:51:54 | |
From this afternoon, due to a severe lack of respect, | 0:51:54 | 0:51:58 | |
-your father will be moving out of this house. -THEY GASP | 0:51:58 | 0:52:02 | |
-Into the back garden. -THEY SIGH WITH RELIEF | 0:52:02 | 0:52:04 | |
Before moving to Madagascar, taking Jack with me as cabin boy. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:07 | |
-Right. Where is it? -What you up to, bro? | 0:52:12 | 0:52:14 | |
What do you mean? Things have gone too far! | 0:52:14 | 0:52:18 | |
I know, you're not the only one who had to wear a onesie to school. | 0:52:18 | 0:52:21 | |
Forget the onesie, Belle. I'm talking me - Madagascar? Cabin boy? | 0:52:21 | 0:52:24 | |
-Ah, there it is! -I know, I'm well jeal. -What? | 0:52:24 | 0:52:29 | |
Are you kidding? Natural tan, coconut water on tap, those wee lemurs... | 0:52:29 | 0:52:33 | |
I can't be a cabin boy. I hate the ships, | 0:52:33 | 0:52:36 | |
I hate the sea, I hate the food, I hate the vomiting. | 0:52:36 | 0:52:39 | |
Do you mind if I get your room? | 0:52:39 | 0:52:40 | |
I've got a bit of a shoe overspill situation. | 0:52:40 | 0:52:42 | |
Belle, please. Help me, here. I can't do this myself. Please. | 0:52:42 | 0:52:46 | |
Look, I know it's a big change, | 0:52:46 | 0:52:47 | |
but maybe it's just what Mum and Dad need right now. | 0:52:47 | 0:52:50 | |
Let's just...go with the flow. | 0:52:50 | 0:52:51 | |
So, it's just going to be us two here together. All girls. | 0:52:53 | 0:52:56 | |
Me and my wee scullery maid! | 0:52:56 | 0:52:59 | |
Let's do this. | 0:53:02 | 0:53:03 | |
How are you getting on with this? | 0:53:29 | 0:53:31 | |
Oh, aye, it's...you know, the bit where he does the... | 0:53:31 | 0:53:35 | |
It's total gibberish, man. | 0:53:35 | 0:53:36 | |
I've read the same page, like, 50 times, I still don't understand it. | 0:53:36 | 0:53:39 | |
-Not you as well? -Aw, no. You're kidding? | 0:53:39 | 0:53:42 | |
'Sorry kids, rubbish service in Neverland. Found a hot spot, though! | 0:53:44 | 0:53:49 | |
'How's it going?' | 0:53:49 | 0:53:51 | |
Terrible. Your book was rubbish. | 0:53:51 | 0:53:53 | |
'Oh. Kids today. You've forgotten how to read books, | 0:53:53 | 0:53:56 | |
'that's your problem. Honestly. If it hasn't got a charger...' | 0:53:56 | 0:53:59 | |
Very good, Gran. We're on a meter here. | 0:53:59 | 0:54:01 | |
What do we do? I don't want to be a scullery maid! | 0:54:01 | 0:54:04 | |
I don't want to be a cabin boy! | 0:54:04 | 0:54:06 | |
'I know. It's no life, son. No Wi-Fi round the Cape of Good Hope.' | 0:54:06 | 0:54:11 | |
Noooooooo! | 0:54:11 | 0:54:14 | |
'I'm sure it won't come to that. your dad's threatened to | 0:54:15 | 0:54:18 | |
'leave home before, and he's never actually done it.' | 0:54:18 | 0:54:21 | |
-Sorry. Just the thought of no Wi-Fi. -But what do we do now, Gran? | 0:54:21 | 0:54:25 | |
'If you really can't think for yourselves, | 0:54:25 | 0:54:28 | |
'have you considered trying to consult your peer group?' | 0:54:28 | 0:54:30 | |
Considered the why with the what with the who, now? | 0:54:30 | 0:54:33 | |
'Duh! Talking to your friends.' | 0:54:33 | 0:54:34 | |
I'm not talking to my friends about this. They'll think I'm a total dork. | 0:54:34 | 0:54:37 | |
'So, it's OK to tweet them about the retro spag bol you just ate, | 0:54:37 | 0:54:41 | |
'or to Instagram a cat that looks like Benedict Cumberbatch, | 0:54:41 | 0:54:44 | |
'but when it comes to this, something that actually matters... | 0:54:44 | 0:54:48 | |
'You haven't got much time! Do it! Do it! | 0:54:48 | 0:54:51 | |
'FG, out.' | 0:54:51 | 0:54:52 | |
What did Snow White do when she was getting hassle off her step-mum? | 0:54:55 | 0:54:58 | |
I'm not talking to her, she's a total dork. | 0:54:58 | 0:55:01 | |
I'll message her. | 0:55:03 | 0:55:05 | |
Look, there's whole forums here about this stuff. | 0:55:07 | 0:55:10 | |
BillyGoatGruff98. "To get parents together, | 0:55:10 | 0:55:13 | |
"create common enemy by hiring a troll to terrorise your bridge." | 0:55:13 | 0:55:17 | |
It's a nice idea, but we've not got the time. | 0:55:17 | 0:55:20 | |
Scroll down a bit. Look! | 0:55:20 | 0:55:23 | |
RumpelstiltskinFace. | 0:55:23 | 0:55:25 | |
"Spin hair into gold and make your parents a fortune." | 0:55:25 | 0:55:28 | |
Mm, it's a bit far-fetched. | 0:55:28 | 0:55:30 | |
UglySister02. "Set your mum up with a really rich BF." | 0:55:30 | 0:55:35 | |
No. | 0:55:35 | 0:55:36 | |
-Right, here you are. -Hi, Dad. -What yous looking at? | 0:55:36 | 0:55:40 | |
-BOTH TOGETHER: -Sneezing panda. -Cat with bread on its... | 0:55:40 | 0:55:43 | |
Right. | 0:55:43 | 0:55:44 | |
You OK with the whole Madagascar cabin boy arrangement thing, son? | 0:55:44 | 0:55:48 | |
I'm no ecstatic, | 0:55:48 | 0:55:50 | |
but we had a chat with Gran and I feel a lot better now. | 0:55:50 | 0:55:53 | |
-Good, good, good. Cos we leave in two hours. -What? | 0:55:53 | 0:55:58 | |
Favourable winds, etc. Plus, I can't take any more of your mother. | 0:55:58 | 0:56:02 | |
Best start packing, eh? You won't need much. | 0:56:02 | 0:56:04 | |
Just toothbrush, pants, anti-vomiting tablets. | 0:56:04 | 0:56:09 | |
BELLE SOBS | 0:56:09 | 0:56:13 | |
RINGTONE FANFARE | 0:56:22 | 0:56:25 | |
Hang on, look. Snow White tweeted us back. | 0:56:25 | 0:56:28 | |
She says, "Ignore the rest, the best advice is on Page 642." | 0:56:28 | 0:56:33 | |
"It's not rocket science, | 0:56:39 | 0:56:41 | |
"just ask them what's wrong." | 0:56:41 | 0:56:44 | |
So, in general, | 0:56:48 | 0:56:50 | |
Mum would like to ask Dad to appreciate her work round the house. | 0:56:50 | 0:56:55 | |
Dad would like Mum to appreciate his work in the seven seas area. | 0:56:55 | 0:56:58 | |
With regards to the incident which sparked this unfortunate episode, | 0:57:00 | 0:57:03 | |
Mum would like to express her displeasure at receiving | 0:57:03 | 0:57:06 | |
a petrol canister for her wedding anniversary. | 0:57:06 | 0:57:08 | |
Dad concedes this, but would like to point out his intended present | 0:57:12 | 0:57:16 | |
was the Neelanjali Ruby, | 0:57:16 | 0:57:18 | |
which turned out to be booby-trapped, | 0:57:18 | 0:57:20 | |
causing the death of three of his men. | 0:57:20 | 0:57:22 | |
The canister was a last-minute petrol station panic purchase | 0:57:22 | 0:57:25 | |
in order to replace it. | 0:57:25 | 0:57:27 | |
Furthermore, Mum would like it to be known | 0:57:29 | 0:57:32 | |
that she doesn't want Dad to go. | 0:57:32 | 0:57:34 | |
Dad would concur with this. | 0:57:37 | 0:57:38 | |
So, likes I said, | 0:57:49 | 0:57:51 | |
if you don't mind picking up the spade, you WILL find the treasure. | 0:57:51 | 0:57:55 | |
Just like my kids helped me find mine. | 0:57:55 | 0:57:57 | |
Our work here is done. | 0:58:00 | 0:58:02 | |
Ugh! Get a room! | 0:58:04 | 0:58:07 | |
Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! | 0:58:07 | 0:58:09 |