How to Win Eurovision

Yes, yes, yes. It's that time of year again.

It's Christmas, it's the Grand National, it's the Oscars all rolled into one.

Are the Olympics on again? No. World Cup? No. Chelsea Flower Show?

No, it's Eurovision time! Eurovision? Uh-huh!

Oh, the crap singing competition? That's the one.

The crap singing competition we always lose.

That's why we're here. Tonight, from this state-of-the-art studio

that we've nicked from Newsnight, I'm going to show you how we're going to win back the greatest,

longest-running, most-watched song competition in the universe ever.

What, X Factor? No, Eurovision. Did you read the script at all? Mm...

(Dick.)

The Eurovision Song Contest, on our screens since 1956.

It's the most-watched show on Earth

with hundreds of millions of viewers all over Europe,

with over 50 countries competing annually for the Eurovision crown.

The UK has an illustrious past in the competition, winning five times.

Sandy Shaw. United Kingdom. United Kingdom.

And coming runners-up 15 times.

Now things are different. To put it politely, we're not very good.

No thanks to acts like these.

But now it's time to turn it around as we show you

How To Win Eurovision.

Eurovision.

Who can resist the charms of Europe's most successful project,

after the euro.

And who couldn't want old Blighty, these sceptred isles,

the United Kingdom, to once again lift the title back to where it rightfully belongs.

I don't.

Really? No. The music's painful, the dancing is stupid,

the outfits are embarrassing. I don't understand it.

What is San Marino? I thought it was a pizza.

That's a bit racist but I do see your point.

It can be a bit confusing, the voting, the bad rap music,

the mind-numbing list of countries you can't even spell.

I can spell them.

Azerbaijan. E... Exactly!

Luckily, we've assembled a unique mix of talking heads to clear things up.

Have a look at this lot. Does it start with an E? No.

How would you describe Eurovision?

A proper sit-down, "you cannot miss it" event.

Eurovision, to me, is how Al`Qaeda imagines the West.

Eurovision is massive.

It's the Olympics of song.

I would say "camp".

Crazy.

Cheese. Oh, definitely. That's the word.

Bonkers. Fabulous.

Fun.

Is "freakshow" one word or two words?

If you've ever been on an all-inclusive holiday,

when the staff get up and do a show at the end, it's like that.

But with slightly more expensive outfits.

Cheesy and a bit bonkers it may be,

but Eurovision is the greatest show on Earth

and the UK used to be the headline act.

I grew up with Eurovision. I've loved Eurovision since I was knee-high.

The UK's heyday in Eurovision was when we sent our biggest pop stars.

My earliest memories of Eurovision was probably Bucks Fizz.

I can remember the skirt-pulling moment,

which I'm sure every heterosexual bloke can.

My earliest memory of Eurovision, I think, was Sonia.

We were the kings of Eurovision back in the day.

We sent Cliff Richard, Lulu,

we sent the best of the best.

Over its history, Britain has been very successful but we just can't

remember when Britain was successful because we're so bad at it now.

Yes, it feels like a long time since Katrina And The Waves

brought it home for Blighty, all the way back in 1997.

# Let our love shine a light

# In every corner of our hearts. #

So, we used to be good at Eurovision. Oh, yeah.

But now everyone hates us. So, let's give up.

I've got a great idea for Britain's Got Talent. Greg, you don't get it.

Did Churchill ever think about giving up?

He didn't see the Germans and go, "They look a bit scary."

The Virgin Queen didn't shirk when faced with the Spanish Armada.

Did Nelson turn back at the Battle of Waterloo? No, they didn't.

Yes, we've been getting the world's greatest song competition wrong

but tonight we're going to look at every detail that goes into making a winning song.

EVERY detail? How long is that going to take

cos I've got that thing to go to. You don't have a thing.

I've got to go then. We've got two-for-one vouchers at Pizza GoGo.

That's where we're going and you know it. Don't tell them that.

The only thing you've got to worry about is how we'll win Eurovision. Watch this.

Ultimately the song is key.

A fabulous song that can stand alone.

You need something that's catchy, I think.

And that people will remember.

# In love with a fairytale. #

You have to sit through 26 countries' songs,

so something has to stand out from it.

# Nothing else can stop me. #

A catchy song and something visual and memorable.

It's the key, it's going back to basics, really.

And then get somebody cool to sing it.

It doesn't have to be a superstar.

You've got to connect with millions of people to win Eurovision.

It's got to be something special. Danke! Thank you!

Which brings us to our first tip in our How To Win Eurovision Guide...

And our first classic Eurovision music style is Schlager.

What?! What's Schlager?!

Schlager? I don't know.

Schlager? Is that Swedish lager?

SH-LAY-GER, SH-LA-GER, call it what you will. Scandinavian pop.

That sound, whatever we call it, seems to pop up a lot.

Yeah, Schlager! Some call it the definitive sound of Eurovision.

In a nutshell, it's the classic upbeat Europop sound

that, in the past, has gained a string of Euro-tastic victories.

1985's Bobbysocks from Norway...

..and 1999's Charlotte Nilsson from Sweden.

Two feel-good love songs

straight from the Scandinavian Schlager factory.

But they both owe a debt to the master brewers of premium Schlager - ABBA.

# Waterloo, I was defeated You won the war... #

I mean, I think that the ABBA vibe was absolutely fantastic.

We might be seeing a little bit more of this one later.

Next up, it's the ballad.

My personal preference of winning Eurovision songs are the ballads.

A ballad, preferably by a dumpy bird singing at the top of her voice,

all on her own on the stage, that goes down very well.

My earliest recollection of a really lovely ballad was an Italian one.

I must have been a very young girl. It was beautiful.

Ballads have done well over the years in Eurovision.

Throughout the '60s, '70s, '80s, they were winning the contest.

Sometimes a ballad can be the most delicious, refreshing, gorgeous thing.

The incredibly heartfelt lyrics, overdone performance,

and pretty simple songs.

As recently as 2007, Serbia took first place with Molitva.

It gained a whopping 268 points,

proving that the ballad could still be a winning hand at Eurovision.

If you just sing a beautiful song, you can't really fault it.

And I think people like that.

Our next Eurovision musical style is where Eastern mystery

meets Western pop history, in a pair of shiny underpants.

Ethnopop is that Middle Eastern sound.

It's probably the most prominent sound you'll hear in Eurovision.

Yes, since the break-up of the Baltics and the Balkans,

ethnopop has taken over at Eurovision.

Some entries are a little more ethnic than others.

It helps when the music represents the countries' nationalities.

Russia in 2012 had depressed grannies baking burnt biscuits.

Yes, this Russian bake-off showcased the cookery skills

of these elderly Soviet sweethearts.

Straight away, I was like, "That's Russia. Ten points!"

I hope their cooking is better than their singing.

Each act is representing their country and it's really important

to have some stuff in there that is representative of your country.

The ethnopop sound provided a string of victories

in the noughties and we decided to get in on the act in 2005.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't win.

However, it is our first entry into our How To Win Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

We have to put our worst losers in a Hall Of Shame

because, as someone once said,

"The winner takes it all.

"The losers, standing small.

"And beside the victory, that's her destiny."

Wow, what was that, Confucius?

No. Plato? Mm-mm.

ABBA.

Yes, our first Hall Of Shame entry

is Javine's eastern-flavoured Touch My Fire.

A bit of a Turkish feel. Yeah, a Turkish lilt.

Kind of an eastern like, you know, doo-doo-doo!

The beat was good and that's where it ends.

A bit cruel, but where did it all begin?

Well, after two years on stage in the Lion King

and having narrowly missed out on a place in Girls Aloud,

Javine Hylton's manager - that's not him by the way -

suggested she should try out for Eurovision.

He said, "Jordan's going up for it," and I was like, "Ah, OK."

Javine was competing in Britain against Jordan,

who was pregnant in a plastic pink jumpsuit.

Surprisingly for once, it's not Jordan's famous assets that

everyone remembers from that night, but Javine's.

All I think about is the... Not the boob. The boob.

That was in the selection thing, where you think about her boob falling out.

Yes, eagled-eyed viewers may have noticed

Javine's brief wardrobe malfunction.

# Uh-uh-uh-uh

# Come with me I'll take you there... #

Maybe I was so excited and jigging so much that -

I think it was my left boob - slipped out of the dress.

Actually, it was your right one.

Not that I was looking. Get out of my room, Mum.

Javine's boob falling out? Was that when she was against Jordan?

You can't compete with Muhammad and the mountain.

Let's stop talking about that now.

OK, wardrobe malfunction aside,

the lyrics were also deemed a little bit racy.

# Touch my fire. #

Touch my fire. Can you feel the...heat?

Touch my what?!

It's not a lady part.

HE LAUGHS

I wouldn't have thought so. Could be.

# Touch my fire... #

How she could sing that with a straight face...

I can't even say it with a straight face. Touch my fire.

It's a metaphor for getting down and dirty, I think.

Well, I'm glad we've sorted that out.

The song bore a striking resemblance to the entry from Greece that year.

All ethnopop, a woman dressed in gold, fire.

# You're a fire! #

There was a moment when I heard Helena's song

and I thought, "Damn, she's good."

The main difference was Greece, well, won, and we came second last.

That was enough to make Javine our first entry into our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

You see, this is what I'm talking about.

Poor old Javine, she tried everything.

She looked the part, her song had a European sound,

she even managed a wardrobe malfunction and still came 22nd.

It is over. We are a small, irrelevant island

and all Eurovision does is remind us of that fact, that no-one likes us.

Hey, hey, negative-vibe merchant.

OK, we've had a few disappointing moments but think about it,

this country has produced the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bowie, Coldplay, Adele.

Rik Waller. That's nice, Greg(!)

Let's take a look at the top five musical styles to avoid.

The worst style of music for the Eurovision Song Contest?

Is this a trick question? They're all bad, right?

Interesting point.

But in at five, it's reggae

and it comes from crazy nature-lover Riki Sorsa.

Looking at him, you wouldn't think

he's Finland's answer to Shabba Ranks, would you?

I think I'd steer clear of reggae.

Reggae, Finland, really?

Any white people doing reggae just sound ridiculous.

It sounds like they're taking the piss.

Riki Sorsam, with Finnish reggae, which is pretty much what he did!

Riki skanked his way to 16th place that year

and, a month later, reggae legend Bob Marley passed away.

Now, I'm not saying they're connected,

but if he saw this, it may have pushed him over the edge.

At four, it's Latin yodelling from Austria.

There's a group called Global.Kryner who tried to combine that

Spanish-Latino sound with yodelling.

Why would that ever be a good idea?

HE YODELS

A yodel sounds like a cry for help.

That's the only time I'd like a man who can yodel, is if I'm abandoned on some moorland

and we need to let a helicopter know where we are.

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

HE YODELS

Then I'd like a man who can yodel.

Anywhere else, get away from me.

The audience agreed. This one failed to make it past the semis.

At three, it's another blend you'd probably only find at Eurovision...

..Swedish calypso.

Swedish calypso.

My ears are bleeding.

Yes, it's another example of the Scandinavian obsession

with the sounds of the Caribbean as the Swedes try to sex up

the 1987 contest in Brussels with a dash of West Indian sunshine.

It's the wrong song, it's the wrong sound. Everything is wrong.

And to think, they gave us ABBA.

Unsurprisingly, this calypso catastrophe limped home

in 12th place.

At number two in our countdown of musical styles

to avoid at Eurovision, it's a cappella.

2006 with Latvia, which was kind of, "This sounds nice at the start,"

and then one of them went completely out of tune.

THEY SING OUT OF TUNE

Just strange.

The singing wasn't up to scratch

but the Latvians had a bizarre Plan B for winning the jury's vote.

They were building this stupid robot thing at the side of the stage

and then they brought the robot round

and one of the guys decided to do the moonwalk for some reason,

and it all became a mishmash - it didn't know what it wanted to be.

TERRY WOGAN: You've got to give them marks for that.

They'll probably come last!

But when it comes to genres to avoid at Eurovision,

there can be only one.

This is not suitable for the Eurovision Song Contest.

Words cannot express how both equally amazing

and distressing seeing something like that on television is.

What kind of evil could this be? Cue the music.

HE RAPS

Eurovision and rap don't really go together.

I'm not really keen on rap for Eurovision, to be honest.

I love it if someone decides to do a rap.

But equally, you know in your heart that they are going nowhere.

Yeah, rap entries generally go nowhere in Eurovision.

But we're still tortured annually by the sounds of European hip-hop.

Someone rapping in a non-American accent always sounds ridiculous.

HE RAPS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

You want them to move towards American.

You don't want to hear some guy sounding like Borat rapping.

Is that racist? Hopefully not.

I think Eurovision is more of a family audience

and rap is kind of known as being a bit kind of gangsta-y.

Guns and... A bit too hardcore for Eurovision, possibly.

The thing about rap songs in Eurovision is the rappers that are rapping.

They're all crap.

And one rap act from 2012 certainly made a name for themselves.

Be warned, it's the interestingly named song from an interestingly named group.

In the semifinals of Eurovision in 2012, there was a band...

It's Woki Mit Deim Popo.

And I BLEEP you not, it was called...

Trackshittaz for Austria.

..The Trackshittaz.

Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz.

Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz.

Trackshittaz.

Track...

SHE LAUGHS

Trackshittaz' track was BLEEP as!

But their unusual name

wasn't the only thing that raised a few eyebrows.

I think a lot of people did mishear the title of the song,

which is Woki Mit Deim Popo.

# Woki Mit Deim Popo

# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

What was their song? Something about...

I'm not going to say it. It's rude, yeah.

# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

BLEEP me in dem poo poo hole.

SHE LAUGHS

BLEEP me dem poo poo.

SHE LAUGHS

# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

I wonder what that song meant.

It's lucky it's in foreign,

cos I don't understand a thing they've got to say.

# Woki Mit Deim Popo

# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

What if it was their family name?

What if the lead singer was called Helmut Trackshitta?!

Helmut Trackshitta!

# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

"Table for Mrs Trackshitta!"

More a case of taxi for the Trackshittaz

as they failed to make it past the semis.

But the UK can proudly claim to have put the C in rap

with our next entry into the Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

Teenage Life was a socially-conscious rap,

featuring a chorus of schoolgirls

and the lyrical talents of shy, retiring rapper Daz Sampson.

Let's go!

I am the People's Champion.

People's Champion an' all that.

Daz had previously found his fame fronting pop dance group Bus Stop.

# Three, four On the dancefloor... #

Not your everyday Eurovision performer,

Daz was certainly a departure from Sir Cliff.

If I win this, I will demand the BBC let me defend my crown.

I'll also demand a knighthood from HRH and that's not arrogance,

it's just belief.

Daz Sampson, what an unlikely Eurovision entrant.

It's time for a change,

it's time to go out there and do something a bit different.

He also had an unshakeable belief in his song-writing ability.

I'm not saying my songs are as good as McCartney's. Time will tell.

I got a lot of stick in the press

because, perish the thought, people thought I was arrogant.

There's no way we're finishing 17th this year. Bollocks!

We're finishing top five. That's a statement from D-A-Z.

Man of the people. We will finish top five in Eurovision.

That was Daz Sampson's problem. He was confident going in.

Once he got to Athens, D-A-Z prepared vigorously for the performance

of his life by acting like he was on a package holiday.

Daz is still drunk, in my opinion.

For the first time in ten years, we've got a chance of winning this.

When you're in Eurovision, it's like a bubble.

Seriously, it's like I was Robbie Williams for two weeks.

Two more sambucas. Sorry, Paddy.

Once his big moment arrived,

Daz gave everything he had in a typically high-energy performance.

Yeah, c'mon!

# What did you learn at school today? #

What did you learn?

But he may have been doomed to failure.

When you heard it on the radio, you thought, "That's rather good."

It was very creepy in performance. It made you feel uncomfortable.

Daz's stage show involved a very young-looking bunch of what appeared to be...schoolgirls.

The way we set up on the stage, the grown man with the schoolkids.

They weren't schoolgirls. They were grown women.

It was a little bit controversial.

You saw it on TV, you thought, "He's got little girls with him."

You see them afterwards... They were all dwarves!

No, they weren't - they were really sexy.

Maybe Daz needed to work harder on his own image.

All I remember is his yellow jacket.

That's all I remember, that stands out in my head.

Maybe I should have been dressed in a schoolteachery type of...

You know, the square...

Just to go along with the gimmick of it.

Me being dressed like a drug dealer from Salford didn't go down well.

# It's been such a long time, such a long, long time... #

At the end of my performance, you'll notice I shouted.

Thank you! Vote for the music!

And that was to ask Europe to vote for the music. Clearly, they didn't.

Cos I didn't do that well.

Yeah, the voting didn't go well for Daz.

By the last nail-biting round of voting,

Daz was a mere 267 points off the winners, Lordi.

At least Daz was as good as his word.

There's no way we're finishing 17th this year. Bollocks!

Yeah, they came in 19th. Bollocks!

But Daz remains adamant that rap could still work.

A lot of people ask me, "Was rap the way to go?"

It wasn't at that time, but look at the charts around the world.

It's led by hip-hop. I am not saying I was a credible hip-hop artist

but the charts around the world are led by hip-hop.

The fact is, I admit it, Europe wasn't ready for Daz Sampson at the time.

Well, Europe may not have been ready for you

but for your truly dreadful attempt at a rap entry,

you've won yourself a spot in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

Wow, Daz Sampson. That was pretty special. Yup.

Does it get any worse than that? Yeah.

At Eurovision, you get one chance.

The first impression - really, really important.

Take a look at Plastic Bertrand. He ran on. Beautiful.

A bit mincey, nice plum-coloured jacket.

Running on is a weird way to start a song.

It seems like you've missed your cue, like you're on the loo.

If someone runs on, I check their foot for toilet roll, it's a giveaway!

In 1990, Spain's entry kicked off their performance in style

when they seemed to totally miss their cue.

WOGAN: Gosh. This could be a long evening, ladies and gentlemen.

These temperamental Spaniards stomped off, leaving

the rest of the band twiddling their guitar strings. Boing!

I quite liked the guitarist cos he was like,

"Everybody knows we're faking now. Do we still continue? OK!

"I don't even know how to play the guitar."

OK, they came back from that dodgy start

and somehow scraped a top-five finish.

But others haven't been so lucky. Ahem, Jemini.

Here's my guide to making that all-important first impression.

Creating a bit of anticipation is always good.

CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY

Just don't over-egg it.

Why not get the love children of Russell Brand as your backing singers?

But then don't spoil the cool by coming on in a golf cart.

It's always good to make a surprise appearance.

HE SINGS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Just not out of tune and covered in dirty knickers.

You could start with a bit of eastern flute.

And follow it up with some of these.

Mmm, nice pearls.

Phwoar! Do kick off with a provocative dance routine.

But make sure you don't take your choreography from your drunk aunt at a wedding.

Try not to pick a song that looks like you've forgotten your lyrics.

# Huh, huh, huh

# Mm, huh, huh... #

And last but not least, try and look cool.

But pay attention to timing.

Greg, are you feeling something for Eurovision by now? Not really.

We're talking about a singing competition in which Jedward were allowed to perform. Twice.

There's nothing wrong with Jedward. They've got brilliant hair.

And they're not the only duo to have consistently performed

out of tune in front of millions of people on telly. No? No.

And rest assured, at least no Eurovision act has performed off-key and won.

That's a relief. Never?

Well, one or two may have slipped through the net

but none of them are as bad as this lot. Oh, no.

# Ah! Ah! Ah! #

All performers in Eurovision have to sing live

and, for some, that's a real challenge.

The quality of the singing is quite low down on the list

of things that people care about.

I quite like it when they're out of tune.

Singing in tune at Eurovision feels like you've put too much effort in. It seems a bit needy.

One of the most out-of-tune performances ever was Poland in 1995.

A song so out of tune it could only be heard by dogs

and certain aquatic mammals.

SHE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

That sound hurts my fillings.

It's very strange because there are a lot of artists that are out of tune.

You're sitting there going, "Oh, my goodness!"

The 2009 semifinal, I remember sitting there and the lead singer,

the guy, he was so bad. He was trying to do this falsetto

and it was so out of whack your ears were piercing.

It was excruciating.

HE SINGS A HIGH, OUT-OF-TUNE NOTE

I'm always surprised when they do the high-pitched stuff.

You imagine someone would have heard the song in rehearsal and said,

"Sorry, Steve, don't take this the wrong way,

"but you sound like you've been punched in the balls.

"Is that what you're going for?"

And who could forget the tuneless

and tatty performance of faux lesbians t.A.T.u. in 2003?

The lesbian gimmick did distract from the fact they couldn't sing.

t.A.T.u. are the worst. It sounds like tinnitus. Horrible.

I like that they also seem to be dressed like they're on their way to the shops.

They've put no effort in in learning the song or dressing accordingly. Poor show.

I didn't really like the story behind it,

pretending they were lesbians. I don't see the point in that.

Why pretend when it's not real?

OK, back to the tonally challenged.

There was Luxembourg's '84 entrant, Sophie.

SHE SINGS OUT OF TUNE

Here's Portugal's 2005 entry,

who later got breast implants after misunderstanding reviews

that she seemed a little flat.

And last but by no means least, it's Israel's 2000 entry, Ping Pong,

with the totally tuneless Be Happy!

# Be Happy! #

Whilst the song asked the audience to Be Happy,

it was pretty hard, considering what they were being forced to listen to.

# Oh-oh

# Be happy! #

Horrific. People have now turned the TV off because of that. Apologies.

Don't switch off just yet because we're about to tell you a story

of one of the UK's most out-of-tune performances,

so bad it landed them a spot in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

Someone said, "Why didn't you just stop?"

I honestly thought this was the end of Eurovision.

My underwear had gone missing as well.

Three years, we've given it to get to this point.

We were just, you know, 19.

We'd been singing for years.

Ah, yes, the year was 2003,

when Chris and Gemma, a pair of unknown 19-year-olds from Liverpool,

entered Eurovision under the name Jemini.

Hopes were high, as the previous year

the UK's Jessica Garlick had earned a respectable third place.

# Come back

# Come back!

# If you love me... #

And they even got a good luck message from a man who knows

a thing or two about music.

Go, "Jeminny", and Cry Baby!

But it wasn't enough to stop, er, Jeminny from slumping

to an embarrassing defeat.

They weren't singing in key, were they?

The fact of the matter is,

they weren't good enough on the NEET, as they say.

They've gone down in history, haven't they?

It's kind of awful to watch. It's cringe, super cringe.

We didn't do the gimmick thing.

We just thought that we had a strong song,

we thought we could deliver a strong vocal.

# Love, love's not enough

# I need your trust... #

I knew it wasn't right when the song started

but when you're on stage in front of however many million people,

we were just trying to pull it back as well as we could.

You've got so much adrenaline running through your system,

you seem to forget a lot of what's actually happened.

# Bye, bye, baby

# Lied to me, baby... #

OK, so they were a little out of tune

but why will they go down in UK Eurovision history?

I think I remember... They didn't get one person that voted for them.

Ah, yes. They were the first UK act

to achieve - if you can use that word -

the dreaded "nul points".

Well, what can we say, you know what I mean?

We didn't deserve to come last. We didn't deserve nul points.

Sorry, guys, but you know, we gave it our best shot

and the single's out on Monday...

I love how British Jemini were as well. They were like,

"We've let the whole country down, but, you know, we tried our best,

"so buy our single!" That's so British.

I like to imagine they had a van full of copies out back.

They were in the car park as people filed out,

going, "I know we were the worst but...two-for-one?"

# Bye, bye, baby... #

They probably had every excuse in the book

to try and say it was this and that and it wasn't their fault,

but they just wasn't singing in key.

Bruised and humbled by a Eurovision trouncing,

Jemini at least managed to take the defeat with good grace.

All the performance wasn't bad. It was mainly just that beginning bit

and then we were fighting against it, then.

When we've looked at it back, loads of them are crap. Hmm.

The only country in the whole of the competition

who didn't have any ear monitors.

t.A.T.u. were completely out of tune right the way through,

not just in the start.

The track they sent out was wrong, so we were doomed.

You know, at the end of the day, it sounded crap.

That's more like it!

# You lied to me, baby... #

It's not like they killed anyone. They just lost Eurovision for us.

Yes, and for this totally tuneless tragedy of a Eurovision entry,

Jemini take our third spot in the Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

Let's not be too harsh on Jemini.

In its history, Eurovision has had over 35 finalists

who have struck out and walked home empty-handed.

# Lay lay lay lay lay-lay-lay-lay Opera! Opera! Carmen, Aida... #

I think if you're going to lose Eurovision,

you should lose properly. In style.

There's something rather wonderful about getting nil points,

isn't there? Yeah. We didn't quite get there, did we? No.

If you enter Eurovision, and you're not going to win,

you've got to go balls to the wall,

"Let's get zero, guys.

"Let's just nail this. Let's get all bagels."

Cos people remember that. They go, "Did you see those guys? They were so rubbish."

Despite finishing at the bottom three times during the noughties,

the UK has only once suffered the indignity of receiving nul points.

BOTH: Sorry.

So it could be worse.

Which brings us to...

In at number five, we have Finland,

receiving blanks in '63, '65,

and a literal bomb out by Kojo in '82.

# Pommiin, pommiin... #

It's a lottery, and some nights

people will be in the mood for a song about bombing yourself,

which sounds like something else, doesn't it?

Joining its Scandinavian friends,

it's Switzerland at number four,

relegated to nil in '64, '67

and in 1998 with a song that ended up pointless

with a singer who looked topless.

# In seinem arm... #

I think the reason she got nul points is,

apparently, she's revealing the wrong half. Bucks Fizz got it right.

"This is fine. No, no, no."

Breaking in to the top three is Austria,

failing to score in '62, '88

and who could forget that mulletted vision in purple,

Thomas Forstner, from 1991?

I wish I could.

Of course they deserved to get no points.

It was a man wearing parachute pants off of MC Hammer and a mullet.

Good mullet, though.

Creeping in at number two is Spain,

lacking any scores in '62,

'65 and in 1983 with an entry entitled "Where's My Boat?"

Nul points because A - she's dressed like a magic eye

and B - she's singing about the fact she's lost her boat.

People have no sympathy for someone going, "Where's my boat?"

You own a boat, you are in good shape.

And the Most Prolifically Pointless Nation

with a shameful four "nul points" is...

Norway!

BOTH: No way!

Yes way! In 1963,

1981, and 1997.

But Norway's most celebrated "nul points"

came from the legendary Jahn Teigen.

His entry from 1978, Mil Etter Mil, translation - "bag of shite" -

really was a work of unparalleled genius.

Thank you, Norway, for being worse than us in every conceivable way.

Apart from Javine's boob.

So, you know, Britain shouldn't feel too bad. There's always Norway.

OK, so what have we learnt so far in our How To Win Eurovision Guide?

Steer clear of rap, reggae, and yodelling,

make a good first impression, make sure you sing in tune

or you may end up in our Hall Of Shame.

But there is still a lot to learn, so let's crack on.

OK, so maybe there is some musical credibility to this song contest.

I mean, you have to at least be in tune, but beyond that,

it's all utter rubbish. No, Greg, come on.

There are more positive things to say about it than that.

The outfits. That awkward banter in between the acts. Hmm.

OK, well, there is one thing I could say, and that's,

at the end of the contest, there is an honest and free vote,

unhindered by prejudice, politics or national boundaries.

Mm...

Well, the whole thing is a shining example of democracy.

It's togetherness, it's great.

Well, it's half democratic. What?

It's a sort of 50-50 thing.

What do you mean? Great democracies like Russia and Azerbaijan

are at the heart of the contest. You're saying it's not a real vote?

Hey, man, what is reality?

If we want to win again, I think we need other countries to like us,

so don't invade Iraq again.

I think you can look at Eurovision and our history in Eurovision

and you kind of see the political history of Europe.

The evil spectre of bloc voting

has put a filthy stain on modern-day Euro-relations

that no amount of bad singing and shiny outfits can help remove.

Neighbouring countries in central and eastern Europe

created a voting cartel,

leaving the UK out of the picture.

I'm getting angry just thinking about it!

There's the old enemies, the Vikings.

12 points to our dear, dear neighbours, Norway!

Norway - 12 points!

The Warsaw Pact...

You can guess who I'm talking about. TERRY WOGAN: Oh, yes, we can.

Ukraine - 12 points!

Greece and Cyprus...

TERRY WOGAN: No, you're not going to do it.

And finally, Cyprus gives 12 points to...Greece!

WOGAN LAUGHS

And of course, the new twin evil empires of the Baltics...

12 points go to...

Latvia!

..and the Balkans.

12 points to Serbia. You don't know whether to laugh or cry, do you?

But maybe they've got the right idea.

Yeah, do what Yugoslavia did

and just chop the country up into nice, small pieces.

It must be weird, as a big country like Britain, watching them

get democracy and think, "That's great,

"but that's an extra opponent for Eurovision.

"That's going to kick us in the dick when it comes to Eurovision, that."

Ah, those pesky Europeans, eh?

With their sandals, smelly cheese and slightly more attractive women.

I can see through their game. Yeah, spot on, Greg.

But we do have a secret weapon in our quest for Eurovision glory.

What's that, then? Well, I'm not being funny

but, at the end of the day, we speak proper English.

Is it, though?

When I was ten, I had to sing Jingle Bells in Spanish

in front of my entire school.

# Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong

HE SINGS IN MOCK SPANISH

And then I was bullied for years afterwards, quite rightly so.

My point is, sing in your own language!

Yes, we know some foreign languages

sound the same forwards as they do backwards.

SHE SINGS IN BOSNIAN

SONG PLAYS BACKWARDS

Fortunately for us Brits,

singing in English means you're more likely to win Eurovision.

# Whether you are sweet or cool... #

43% of all winners have been sung in English,

so surely we have an unfair advantage.

But language has always been a contentious issue at Eurovision

and there have been numerous rule changes,

forcing acts to sing in their own native tongue.

Here's Chelsee Healey to give us the facts.

You would have thought that

everyone would have sung in English, wouldn't you? Or...

Mind you, no. I don't know.

Just so everyone else understands,

cos isn't English the first language everywhere or not?

Er, thanks for clearing that up, Chelsee(!)

Here's our actual history of Eurovision language rule changes.

SHE SINGS IN GERMAN

In the early years, it was free and easy,

"sing in whatever language you like, man" Eurovision.

# Je fluistert mond aan mond Ik zweer je eeuwig trouw... #

# Ciao, bambina! #

In 1966, a restriction was put in place,

meaning countries had to sing

in their native language,

opening our ears to some beautiful sounds like these.

# Ja, stop

# Ja, stop, mens legen er go... #

# Jeg vet om en gammel mon

# En som har levd lenge... #

There was also controversy that year

when the Mexican entry, La Cucaracha, was ruined

by a drunken gate-crasher.

# Ri kong-tong ti-ki tong-tong-rong Ti-ki tong-tong-tong... #

In 1973, the restriction was lifted

and multi-lingual madness ensued.

The Belgians showed a flair for linguistics, using three languages.

# Baby, baby

# I love you

# Yo te quiero

# Oui, mon amour...

The Finnish were less adventurous with this number.

# Tum-tum tum-tum-tum That's how it goes. #

But as always, those crazy Norwegians took it to the limit

with this mix of clever wordplay and facial hair,

which featured no fewer than 13 languages!

# Oh, when we pet... Pour chercher la femme ne fais pas de drame

# Don't you get all upset. Ne dis pas mon ame, it's just a game

# It's a game Messieurs et Mesdames

# Place your bet, play the game Faites vos jeux, it's just a game

# Come on and join us It's a game of girl-and-boyness... #

I've never competed in a "game of girl-and-boyness"

but I'm open to new experiences.

# Skal! #

But in 1976, disaster struck.

The English language suffered a beating in Holland

it would never recover from and, once more, facial hair played a role.

# I just... #

First up, the Austrians.

Mmm, nice whiskers.

# Loving you, sweet temptation. #

Then the Finnish ruined it for everyone

with this ode to a bit of bump and grind

performed by hippo of love Fredi and his Friends.

TERRY WOGAN: Big lad. Big lad indeed.

# I used to love watching beautiful girls go by in my time

# You have done like the boys do, but now finally you are mine. #

Fredi and Friends from Finland. That's very catchy.

It made up for its strange use of English language

with a fairly easy to follow dance routine.

# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

Make my hips go hippety pump-pump, pump-pump...

People were doing it at parties.

# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

Make my hips go hippety pump-pump.

Something I imagine Fredi's never done.

I think the moves really added to the chorus

because it really said what they were talking about.

It's a perfect illustration.

# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump

# Give me shivers all down my spine, ay-ay-ay... #

There are a weird-looking group. They look like a cult.

I imagine after this, they all kind of held hands and took a tablet.

# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

Hippety Pump-Pump signalled the end of English-language entries

at Eurovision for 22 dark years. Except for us, of course.

If we so much as speak foreign, we get an upset tummy.

Although some of the foreign language entries during that period

managed to get around the ban.

# Einu sinni, einu sinni enn... #

Hold on, what was that?

# Einu sinni, einu sinni enn... #

# Anus in the, anus in the air!

# Anus! #

You love it? Anus in the air? What are you singing?

They're not singing "anus"! Really? They're singing "Einu sinni!"

"Einu sinni" is Icelandic.

It's a song about arses!

No... That's Iceland for you. At least they were using real words.

"Einu sinni" is a real word, as opposed to some acts,

which seem to make it up as they go along.

For the next part of our How To Win Eurovision language guide,

let's see if you can guess what this lot are on about?

# Gwena mamba gwena mamba... #

Is it something about wearing a man bag?

# Gwena mamba gwena mamba... #

Worked it out yet? Nah, didn't think so, because it's complete poppycock.

Treble singing Amambanda. It's not Dutch. It's double Dutch.

It's a language they invented themselves.

That's right. In a novel, if slightly bizarre turn, some

countries have decided to forsake traditional European languages

and just wing it.

# Gwena mamba gwena mamba. #

# Kenatu narile, lakenatu... #

Take the Belgians. In 2003, their entire song was made up

and featured a series of hand gestures,

which only left people even more confused.

Using sign language has been picked up by plenty of others.

# The war is not over... #

Latvia's entry in 2005, The War Is Not Over,

used hand signals for the deaf.

# A reason to make us believe

# That someone's the loser, someone's the winner... #

I can think of a more appropriate hand signal for these guys.

One other tactic for overcoming the language barrier

is to just sing less.

# Nocturne... #

Norway's 1996 entry, Nocturne, featured hardly any words at all

and it won!

Nocturne's a bizarre song. It's like she puts you on hold midway through.

She says her bit, then goes, "I'll be back with you in two minutes

"but, now, listen to this."

Actually, I was watching that Eurovision. During the violin solo,

she popped round my house to use the loo, and still had enough time

to get back and finish the song.

TOILET FLUSHES

Using only 24 words, Nocturne smashed it with 148 points.

That's a healthy six points per word.

So most winning acts have sung in English.

Ergo, we should have the advantage, right?

No-one knows what "ergo" means, Greg.

But I do know that those crafty Europeans are an inventive lot.

You know they make up their own cutesy toddler language

to try and win? They sing things like,

"Top-tippi a-tippi-toppi-top tip-tip tippity-top-top

"Tip-toppi-tip-tip!"

Actually, that is quite good. Whose was that?

No, I made that one up. I mean, that's exactly my point.

So the language barrier has proved an obstacle

to winning the competition for our European neighbours.

But, resourceful as ever,

they've come up with a way of getting round it -

making stuff up.

# La-la la-la-la

# La-la la-la-la la-la-la... #

If I had to sing in a language that wasn't mine,

when I got to a chorus, I'd be like, "You know what? Screw these lessons.

"La-la-la-la-la!"

# La, la la la... #

Spain showed this simple device could work

with their imaginatively titled 1968 entry La, La, La.

# La la la. #

They romped to victory in '68

and the floodgates opened.

Sing along if you know the words.

It's like if you watched a child put together a song for the first time

based on somebody telling them about music.

Just like a kid not listening to his parents, "La-la-la-la-la!"

That's all you've got to do.

Not content with a simple "la la la" any more,

our European neighbours have become increasingly resourceful

in their quest for Eurovision glory.

There's been "tippi-dees"...

# Tippi-dee tippi-dippi-dippi-dee...#

# Shoo-be-doo... #

..shoo-be-doos...

# Shoo-be-doo, shoo-be-doo... #

..er, whatever this is... # Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mange flere

# Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-saker jeg sku

# Pra-pra-pra-pra-pra... #

# Manana-na-na na-na... #

And then there's the "Mana-manas",

which naturally lead to "tub-a-dums".

# Tum dubba-dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dum

# Dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dubba

# Tum dubba-dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dum

# Dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dubba... #

It's quite evident from looking at the lyrics

that lyrics are secondary, isn't it, really?

Gobbledegook has been turned to gold at Eurovision

with a couple of winners - Holland in 1975...

The title in the best Eurovision tradition is Dinga-Dinga-Dong.

# Ding-a-dong, every hour, when you pick a flower

# Even when your lover is gone, gone, gone... #

"Ding-a-dong, every hour, when you pick a flower..."

Clearly, they're making it up as they go along.

This person has not written a song.

I mean, you can win with a song going, "Diggi-loo, diggy-ley"

and people have.

# Diggi-loo diggi-ley... #

Yes, Swedish trio Herreys bagged a winner in 1984

with this load of nonsense.

# Diggi-loo diggi-ley... #

Apparently it was about their shiny golden boots.

BAD SWEDISH ACCENT: Yeah, everybody loves a golden boot.

People love boots. And gold.

Now, we're talking my language, which is not English.

Diggi-loo diggi-ley?

You're proud to be associated with this rubbish, are you?

I need something that has a bit more gravitas,

a bit more highbrow, you know? OK, OK.

Why don't we pause our How To Win At Eurovision guide for a moment

because were going to get hot and sweaty in our Eurovision sauna

as we pay a visit to poetry...

cor... Cor...

Ness. Corness.

Sauna. Poetry corn...

Cornet.

Poetry corner. Corner.

Spoilt it now.

"I went everywhere for you. I even did my hair for you."

# I bought new underwear, light blue

# And I wore them the other day. #

That is as bad as it gets. That's embarrassing.

"Where have you been? Why are you late?"

# You smell like lipstick again... #

"You smell like lipstick again!"

It's all in the detail. It's not just that you smell like lipstick.

It's that you smell like it again!

"Oh, don't call me funny, bunny. I'll blow your money, money."

# I'll get you to my bad ass spinning for you... #

"Oh, I'll make it easy, honey. I'll take your money, yummy.

"I've got my bitches standing up next to me." Gangsta!

Well, that's enough of poetry corner. Moving on.

# And we're all

# Going to shine a light together... #

Aah, Katrina And The Waves, our last victory at Eurovision,

and it came just two days after Tony Blair walked into Number 10,

all the way back in 1997.

So what do we need to make us number one again?

You need something more to win.

You need someone that is an absolute show-stopper.

Just aim straight for the top.

Blow them out of the water. You could send Take That.

# I just want you back for good... #

Morrissey in 2007 apparently said he was interested in doing Eurovision.

# Punctured bicycle... #

Can you imagine? I can't. I'd pay to watch that.

If you could get someone like One Direction to do Eurovision,

it would be perfect.

One Direction! Definitely, I love them.

# Gets me over... #

You could send One Direction

and believe me, they may never come back, they'd be so adored,

and that might be the whole point of it. Robbie Williams?

Robbie Williams was made for Eurovision.

I feel like if you just cover Robbie Williams in sequins... Yeah.

Dizzee Rascal should go up for Eurovision.

I think, probably, Adele would steal it.

Maybe you need Cliff Richard back.

# Congratulations and jubilations... #

Cliff lives in the Bahamas these days, so I don't think

he'd be tempted back to some chilly mega-dome in the Baltics

for any money.

Been there, done that.

Maybe we need to speak to the Eurovision HR department

about hiring some bona-fide stars.

Katrina And The Waves, Cliff, Lulu and Sandie Shaw

were all drafted in after finding success in the pop charts.

# String. #

And in 2012, the UK called upon one of the biggest names in showbiz.

20 letters, to be precise.

Yes, Engelbert Humperdinck, alias The Hump,

is the next unlucky entrant into our Hall Of Shame.

# Mama, do the hump, won't you do the hump-hump

# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump-hump? #

Do the hump! Do the hump! Go!

What's his name? Humbel... What's his name?

He sold absolutely millions and millions and millions of records.

# Please release me... #

Engelbert Hunkel... BLEEP Now, that's a tongue-twister!

Your mum probably threw her knickers at him back in '72

and it seems that time hasn't dulled Engelbert's desire to hump.

Have you still got an eye for the ladies?

Of course.

In fact, Engelbert has had the same five groupies

following him around for over 50 years.

Do you like Engelbert Humperdinck?

Yes, in 2012, this singing legend

was finally released into the Eurovision Song Contest

at the ripe old age of 76.

# Help the aged... #

Engelbert... He is old, there's no getting around that.

He's the same age as my dad

and I just don't think he needed that pressure, to be honest.

And his selection to represent the UK at Eurovision

came as a surprise to many.

I was in a hotel room, drying my hair,

and I could see the television in the mirror

and Engelbert's face came on,

and I thought, "Aw, Engelbert Humperdinck's dead."

I didn't dream it was because he was in Eurovision.

When it came to performing,

Engelbert was first up to the mark,

which may not have helped him.

# So graceful and pure

# A smile bathed in light... #

The song, I thought, was a really lovely song. I think, in the end,

what absolutely wrecked it was going first.

That was just a disaster.

Coming first when there was nothing else to compare it to,

if that had come maybe after five or six bouncy numbers,

it would have really stood out.

Engelbert didn't get anyone's knickers on stage that night

and The Hump fell flat, coming second last.

But as always, his performance ended in fireworks.

They looked at Engelbert without fireworks

and then they decided what he needed was a Catherine wheel.

# Free-e-e-e

# Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-eah! #

GRAHAM NORTON: Hats off to Engelbert! Well done, sir.

He should have been in the New Year's honours list or something

to cheer him up after that. Poor Engelbert.

He didn't suit being involved in Eurovision, I just don't think.

Well, that definitely seems to be the case.

And for failing to spark any life into the UK's great Eurovision push,

Engelbert Humperdinck grabs the fourth slot

in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

Greg, Greg, Greg! What, what, what?

I've got even more tips and more clips for you to see.

OK, you're going to show me them anyway, so roll VT.

Greg, can you at least try to emotionally engage with this project?

Roll VT! That's sarcastic, so...

Our next tip involves a vital decision

in creating any Eurovision winner -

picking the right song theme.

Song themes in the Eurovision seem to be just, anything goes.

Potatoes, petrol, whatever it happens to be.

Basically, think of subject you shouldn't sing about,

and that'll be it.

There is no subject matter that you can't do with Eurovision.

You could write a song about life on the high seas.

If you've ever wondered why Latvian songs at Eurovision are so rubbish,

the truth is, they just "arrrr!"

Kill me now.

# Vampires are alive... #

Or you could go all Twilight on us with a vampire theme.

Vampires in Helsinki! Come alive!

This one was less R-Patz and more "Ah - twats."

None of this stuff ever wins

but what are the tried and tested things to sing about at Eurovision?

The successful Eurovision topics

tend to be ones that transcend culture, language and nationality.

You've got to appeal to the rest of Europe

and their musical tastes are different than ours.

Very, very different.

But there's certainly one theme that appeals to everyone.

No, it's not rumpy-pumpy.

# Love, love, love... #

When Britain were successful, it was always about love, I think.

Love, usually love. Heartbreak.

Love, nailed it. That's all they want to hear.

# I'm running, I'm scared tonight... #

A whopping 55% of all Eurovision winners affectionately embrace

the topic of love.

But if it's not going to be love,

there's another well-trodden path to Eurovision glory -

singing about world peace.

# Right now in this world There are so many... #

Yeah, why not? Sing about peace

if that's what you want. Peace and love.

# Don't forget about our world today... #

We've tried everything else to get world peace.

Maybe Eurovision is the thing that has always been there,

right under our nose.

# Everybody... #

Eurovision is famous for having women in leather and bearskins

and lyrics about saving the world.

# Peace will come... #

I think the songs about world peace are just a sly ploy

to get loads of votes because who doesn't want world peace?

# If we all give a little... #

Songs about world peace have done well in Eurovision.

If you look at the 1982 winner from Germany, it was A Little Peace.

# Ein bisschen Frieden

# Ein bisschen Sonne

# Fur diese Erde

# Auf der wir wohnen... #

The fact that people still sing about it. It's like, "Yeah,

"who doesn't want world peace?"

# Liberated voices

# Crying freedom... #

Who could argue with world peace?

We'll get some votes. Most people are peaceful.

Whereas, we'd all like to see some violent songs.

# Give a little love back to the world... #

If there's ever been a song which can instil violent thoughts,

it's Emma's peace offering from the UK in 1990.

Never before has a song about peace in the world made me

want to punch somebody so much.

This song had an environmental theme.

Well, it certainly helped a few people recycle their dinner.

# Give a little love back to the world... #

Her main lyric was, "Give a little love back to the world."

Now, I'm not saying that didn't work

but four months after this was released, the Gulf War started.

Now, I'm not saying we should blame Emma for the Gulf War

but she has got blood on her hands. Yeah, blood on her hands.

Not necessarily a year to be proud of.

# ..back to the world... #

Emma failed to make it into the top five that year.

The fighting continued in the oilfields of Kuwait

and we still didn't learn our lesson.

The following year, in Rome,

it was EastEnders' Sam Womack's turn to try and change the world.

SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

I am alone, I think.

I rather liked the Sam Janus song but it is corny.

Yes, the lyrics of this one were almost literally corny.

# Half the world is hungry

# Just through being born

# And every day is a compromise

# For a grain of corn... #

Rhyming "born" with "corn".

I like the fact someone has gone, "Corn's a food. Born - that's life.

"They fit together." What are the other options?

There's a clear rhyme she's missing out with that.

That's porn. Porn, people.

Eurovision, it's like a microcosm of the political history of Europe.

Everything that has happened in the past,

it's reflected in the songs and voting of Eurovision.

So follow that through, it stands to reason.

If we can change attitudes and get peace in the Eurovision,

then one day, maybe just one day, we could achieve world peace.

Boring. Right, what's next?

Our next trip involves the reason we don't have world peace.

It's politics, man.

In 1990, all of the songs were about the reunification of Europe,

pretty much. There must have been 14 or 15 songs all about,

"We're free to live," or, "No more walls." "The future is ours."

They were all political songs to some extent.

The fall of the Berlin Wall aside, politics and Eurovision

have never really mixed.

Only one song with a political theme has ever won at Eurovision -

Italy's 1990 anthem about the reunification of Europe, Insieme.

# Unite. Unite, Europe. #

That doesn't mean that countries

haven't tried to make the odd political statement.

Let's take a look at a few of them in our top five

Eurovision political statements.

In 1974, Portuguese revolutionary and keep-fit fanatic

Paulo de Carvalho burst onto the Eurovision stage armed with

a 64-piece orchestra and an appetite for destruction.

EXPLOSION

De Carvalho's Eurovision entry, After The Goodbye,

was to be the signal for the start of the Portuguese revolution.

'It's the birth of the National military junta of salvation.'

But it wasn't quite the rousing call to arms people were hoping for.

You always think like punk or Slipknot - "Argh, screw the government!"

But there's something really nice about a government being overthrown

whilst listening to cocktail-bar jazz.

You can imagine the leaders leaving parliament

whilst clicking their fingers and having a martini.

"We're not in power any more but I'm in a relaxed mood."

Paolo failed to rouse the juries into action

and he only picked up three points.

In 2010, Lithuania tried

a clever bit of anti-Western social commentary

and put it to a disco beat.

# Yes, sir. We're legal. We are. No, we're not.

# We're not as legal as you

# No, sir, we're not legal But we're both from the EU

# We build your homes, we wash your dishes, our hands are squeaky clean

# Some day you'll come to realise, Eastern Europe is in your dreams. #

This is kind of Eastern European attitude against

those dreadful Westerners.

"Look, you want us to clean your homes, clothes and everything.

"Now you've got to vote for us because we've nailed you."

This one didn't wash with the audience, though,

and they failed to make it past the semifinal. Yeah!

Number three in our countdown of the Eurovision political statements,

it's Vladimir Putin.

He's keen on the Eurovision.

Is it important to Russia to host the Eurovision Song contest? Da.

But not everyone in Eurovision is so keen on him.

# We don't want to put in... #

Yes, this anti-Russian protest from Georgia was about as subtle as,

well, a bullet to the head.

They argued that it wasn't political.

They said it was just a dance song

but it came a year after the war with Russia.

"We don't want to put in." We don't want Putin.

# We don't want to put in... #

I see what they did there. Put in, Putin.

It even included lyrics about

blowing the Russian president's brain out. Funky!

# I will try to shoot him. #

You could say it was an update of Boom Bang-A-Bang.

It was actually disqualified. Eurovision said no.

They actually invited them to change the lyrics of the song.

They refused and they were asked to withdraw.

It's a shame it never made the competition, really, because it could have gone all the way.

# They give me sexy-ah

# Give me sexy-ah

# They give me sexy-ahhhh.... #

Mm. Yeah, maybe not.

Ukrainian drag queen Verka Serduchka

was a little bit more subtle, but not much.

TERRY WOGAN: This is a favourite(!)

SINGS IN GERMAN

His hidden message came under the guise of a playful dance track

with a ridiculously catchy hook.

THEY SING THE HOOK

HE SINGS THE HOOK

And he just ran about the stage, didn't he?

Ran about the stage with his mother.

And it just went on like that, didn't it? Yeah, that's it.

But underneath, this tinfoil transvestite

had a message to the motherland.

# I want you see, Lasha Tumbai

# I want you see, Lasha Tumbai. #

He reckoned, right, that he was singing about

the Mongolian word for milk.

But we all know that he was just telling Russia to kind of sod off.

Da.

Despite being favourite to win that year,

Verka was pipped to the top spot by Serbia.

Should have left the politics out, mate.

Our number one political statement at Eurovision gets extra points

for presentation and downright catchiness.

Norway's song in 1980 was a political song.

It was a song about a plan to build

a hydroelectric power plant in Lapland.

But halfway through the song, things took a bizarre turn.

HE SINGS UNACCOMPANIED

Was it a stage invasion? Was it a bad dream?

Or was it just a lack of rehearsal?

The first guy had put in a lot of work.

He's singing political messages and stuff.

The second guy, I reckon, had completely forgotten

what he was supposed to do.

He woke up and went, "I have got no lyrics so..."

# Lo li, lo li, lo li... #

The other guy was going, "What the BLEEP are you doing, mate?

"I've got to join in.

"I have no choice but to join in to save face."

They're supposed to be singing about a nuclear reactor.

You sound like you've been exposed to radiation, you moron.

As it was, they scored a miserly 15 points

and the power station got built, anyway.

Oh, well.

# Lo li lo # as they say in Norway.

# Hey, lo, lo li, lo li... #

You know what, credit where credit's due.

That's one hell of a catchy tune. And it's annoying...

I'm sad it didn't win.

To win Eurovision, you do need to have all the right ingredients.

# Hey, lo, lo li... #

Right. You need the song. You need the performer. The performance.

# Lo li lo... #

And even then...

# Hey, lo li, lo li... #

Just have a look at this.

Yes, our next Hall Of Shame is the story of the not-so-triumphant

return of chart-topping, heart-breaking panty-poppers Blue.

# All rise... #

Blue were formed in 2000 by none other than Simon Cowell,

who saw their mix of vocal harmony and cheeky-chappy charm

had the potential to rocket as high as the waistband on his trousers.

They split in 2005.

But reformed especially to lead a UK boy-band assault

on Eurovision in 2011.

# I can, I will... #

They seemed the perfect choice with their good looks,

great voices and loyal European-wide fan base.

You know, they were known around Europe,

they had lots of hits out there.

They were certainly confident of their chances.

Let's go out there,

do something different that we never thought we could do.

We'll do a good performance and make our country proud.

And it seems they weren't the only ones.

You've got the talent, you've got the looks

and you've got the whole nation behind you.

Good luck, bring it home.

All the very best. I can. You can.

We know you can. We know you will.

No pressure there, then(!)

And as the contest approached, the buzz around Blue's entry grew.

We were thinking they'd be in the top five

but the betting odds were reflecting that as well.

Blue were one of the favourites in 2011.

They slashed our odds. We were 25 to 1 and now we're 6 to 1.

By the night of the contest,

everyone in Britain was convinced that at last we had a winner.

Good luck, Blue.

# I can, I will

# I know I can

# Untie these hands

# Get back up again... #

The song was completely Eurovision-tastic, you know?

A very positive song.

It was very theatrical, I thought, the performance.

# I can, I will... #

There's this big, high note in the middle and I was thinking,

"Is Lee going to be able to get that on the night?"

# When you're gone... #

And, bless him, he did it!

# Get back up again. #

CHEERING

GRAHAM NORTON: Wow! Well done, Blue!

But in the end for Blue, it was less a case of "I can"

and more, "Nah, you can't."