Ma' Ifan 'Ma

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-Thank you!

-Good evening,

-and a Merry Christmas to you!

-I'm sure you're all wondering

-where I am.

-I'll tell you. Have you heard

-of people who own holiday cottages?

-This is my winter cottage.

-I come here to celebrate Christmas.

-I can see Idwal through the window.

-He's on the piste.

-He's only had a shandy.

-There's no better place to spend

-Christmas than in the mountains.

-There's something about Christmas.

-Christmas unites us all.

-Wives throw their arms around

-their husbands' necks on the sofa.

-You look into his eyes

-and ask him lovingly...

-.."What size slippers do you take?"

-One thing that spoils Christmas

-is having to send cards.

-The Post Office never fails

-to baffle me.

-It always brings out

-big stamps at Christmas.

-It's the only time of year...

-..I need to lick fifty or sixty

-stamps at the same time.

-I'd prefer small stamps.

-But oh, no! At Christmas time...

-..their stamps

-are as big as doors.

-It's as if you're colouring a wall.

-That's not the only thing about

-Christmas cards that annoys me.

-Have you noticed

-the really small ones?

-The home-made cards

-that people send.

-Have you seen them?

-I don't like them.

-They're always made

-from recycled paper.

-Every time I hold one,

-I think to myself, 'Yuck'.

-'Where has this been

-the first time around?'

-You'd be surprised

-at the cards I receive.

-You'd be amazed. George Best

-sent me a card this year.

-It's the only one

-that can't stand up.

-Thank you!

-Thank you!

-Come with me now,

-back to your childhood.

-Do you remember?

-You'd be sent to bed early.

-You could never sleep.

-You'd get up

-to look out of the window.

-The night was full of magic.

-You were expecting

-a very special person.

-Very nice.

-Oh, damn. I've brought the wrong

-sack. I'll have to go back up.

-Let's look at the list.

-I've forgotten my spectacles.

-I'll have to go back up again.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-

-Good afternoon and Merry Christmas.

-Can I help you?

-Can I help you?

-

-You can try. Do you have a turkey?

-There are one or two left.

-They're probably expensive.

-What sort of weight

-did you have in mind?

-What sort of weight

-did you have in mind?

-

-The smallest you've got.

-The smallest?

-Yes, the smallest. It's only

-for me and my wife. Yes, but...

-But?

-But?

-

-That's too small.

-The family are coming over

-with their noisy children.

-That's the only reason

-they visit us.

-They know I'll have a big turkey.

-A big turkey?

-A big turkey?

-

-A very big turkey.

-A big turkey?

-

-A very big turkey.

-

-A very big turkey.

-That's what I said.

-Is that the biggest you've got?

-You'll be hard pushed to find a

-bigger one this close to Christmas.

-You'll be hard pushed to find a

-bigger one this close to Christmas.

-

-I'm not arguing with you.

-But..well...

-Well?

-If the price is right.

-You can't be serious?

-I could feed the multitude

-and their families with that.

-I could feed the multitude

-and their families with that.

-

-You don't want it?

-Give me time to arrange a mortgage!

-Bring me the one next to it.

-Give me time to arrange a mortgage!

-Bring me the one next to it.

-

-OK.

-That one.

-No! The one next to it.

-No!

-Not that one!

-This one?

-This one?

-

-No!

-This one?

-This one?

-

-No!

-No!

-Bring me the smallest one again.

-The first one.

-The first one.

-The price is right.

-The price is right.

-

-Yes?

-It's too small.

-Try the one on the left again.

-Try the one on the left again.

-

-On your left?

-Try the one on the left again.

-

-On your left?

-

-Yes. No! On my left.

-It is on your left.

-If I turned around,

-it wouldn't be on my left.

-If I turned around,

-it wouldn't be on my left.

-

-You want the one on your right?

-Bring me the biggest turkey.

-The big one.

-The big one.

-

-This one?

-The big one.

-

-This one?

-

-Yes.

-I don't know.

-That one's big...that one's...

-Under your left arm,

-one small turkey.

-Under your right arm,

-one big turkey.

-Get out!

-Don't you want money?

-Money? It's close to Christmas,

-the season of peace and goodwill.

-Do you hear me? Peace!

-One last thing. Do you sell Paxo?

-I know what Prince Charles

-received this Christmas.

-He was given his present

-a couple of weeks before Christmas.

-He's had a brand new

-top of the range Range Rover.

-It is!

-He drove towards

-a bend in the road...

-..at 110 mph...

-..in his new top of the range

-Range Rover. Top of the range!

-He negotiated the corner.

-What do you think ran into his path?

-One of Mummy's corgis.

-Mummy's favourite corgi.

-Even though he had ABS brakes...

-..it was ODC.

-One Dead Corgi.

-He came out to inspect the scene.

-The poor little corgi.

-It looked like a lasagne.

-Prince Charles just stood there.

-He started to cry.

-He didn't know what to do.

-His mother would be furious.

-But suddenly, a fairy appeared.

-The fairy stood on his shoulder.

-She said to him, "Hello,

-Prince Charles. How are you?"

-"Hello."

-"What's wrong?" she asked.

-"The corgi ran out

-in front of my Range Rover.

-"It's squashed."

-"I've come here today

-especially to see you.

-"I'll grant you one wish.

-Whatever you desire will come true."

-"Mummy's corgi is stuck to the road.

-"Can you bring it back to life?"

-She tried her utmost

-to grant his wish.

-There was nothing she could do.

-The corgi was like a shepherd's pie.

-After a while, she said,

-"Sorry, Prince.

-"One of the most difficult things

-is bringing something back to life.

-"Is there anything else you'd like?"

-"Are you familiar with Camilla?"

-"Yes."

-"Can you make Camilla pretty?"

-The little fairy said...

-.."Let me try the corgi again".

-This young man has just graduated

-from Trinity College, Carmarthen.

-But more importantly,

-he's become famous as a singer.

-Please welcome,

-Steffan Rhys Williams.

-Welcome, Steffan. Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you too.

-Merry Christmas to you too.

-

-It's been a terrific year for you.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-

-What was the highlight?

-Probably wining Can I Gymru.

-I've scripted what you should say.

-The highlight of my year is

-appearing on your Christmas special.

-He's going to sing

-a classic Christmas song for you.

-Delwyn Sion wrote 'Un Seren'.

-Here's Steffan Rhys Williams.

-

-Well, Carlo, what have you got

-to say to these people...

-..on such a special evening?

-I'm ill.

-No, no. Say, "Merry Christmas".

-I'm ill.

-What do you mean?

-What do you mean?

-

-I'm as sick as a dog.

-You've been drinking, haven't you?

-My head's like a swede.

-That's what happens when you drink.

-What did I tell you this morning?

-You must remember.

-You told me not to drink

-from the sherry bottle.

-That's what I said.

-What did you do?

-I drank from the whisky bottle.

-After lunch, did you see the Queen?

-Oh, no. I didn't see the Queen.

-I went to see my new girlfriend

-after tea.

-You have a new girlfriend.

-What's her name?

-Samantha.

-Samantha?

-Samantha?

-

-Yes.

-It's a big name.

-It's a big name.

-

-She's a big bitch.

-OK, then!

-Have you anything else on?

-Have you anything else on?

-

-On Boxing night,

-I'm going to see Samantha.

-I'm going to have a quiet night

-on the carpet by the fire.

-What are you going to do

-on the carpet?

-After doing that...

-Yes?

-We're going to eat

-bread and sausages.

-Bread and sausages?

-Why bread and sausages?

-Nothing beats a hot dog.

-Before we go,

-I have a question for you.

-OK.

-OK.

-

-Do you use a Christmas tree?

-I use a tree all through the year.

-The next time you see

-a Christmas tree...

-..look at the top of the tree.

-..look at the top of the tree.

-

-Yes.

-You'll see a little fairy.

-A tiny fairy sits on the top.

-I often wonder

-what goes through her mind.

-Hello children, how are you?

-I'm the Christmas Tree Fairy.

-Through the year, I'm in the attic.

-The dusty place makes me rheumatic.

-Just before Christmas,

-I can't be found and they panic.

-Here I am, smiling happily.

-But would you like this job?

-You try smiling naturally

-with half a tree up your trousers.

-I'm stuck up here,

-watching everyone else having fun.

-If fun is the right word. To

-be honest, it's more like an ordeal.

-Mam in the kitchen stuffing turkeys.

-The two Grannies stuffing sweeties.

-Tracey arriving back from a rave.

-Granddad drinking aftershave.

-Dad wiring Clive's play station.

-He had a shock, it was live.

-By mid afternoon, mega strops.

-Mam wants the Queen,

-the kids, Top of the Pops.

-The baby keeps attacking the cat,

-who's scoffing After Eights.

-Peace and goodwill

-are shown by all.

-Everywhere, but this room.

-Before you say goodnight,

-spare a thought for the fairy.

-As you make your way to bed,

-pass her the whisky bottle.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-That's over for another year.

-What was the weather like, Daddy?

-In one word, rough.

-Tell me, did Santa come to you?

-Oh, Dad. Don't be silly.

-I know it's you.

-Of course! I'm Santa.

-Do you know what?

-I nearly crashed into

-a farting elephant earlier on.

-A farting elephant?

-Jumbo Jet.

-Lucky I'm Santa Claus, beep beep!

-Dad!

-I remember, many years ago,

-when I was a young Santa...

-Now, now Santa,

-don't get 'santamental'!

-Mrs Santa, where's the grub?

-I'm starving.

-Haven't you eaten all day?

-Only the usual rubbish

-and the odd cracker.

-Cracker. Get it?

-These old jokes

-are starting to repeat on me.

-You're home.

-You're home.

-

-Yes, Mrs Santa.

-I can't tell you how much

-I'm looking forward to my lunch.

-Oh, dear. I have bad news, Santa.

-The turkey has burnt to a cinder.

-Burnt to a cinder?

-Never mind.

-I'll still enjoy the potatoes,

-peas, carrots, cabbage...

-..cauliflower cheese and gravy.

-Sorry Santa. The whole lot's ruined.

-The whole lot's ruined.

-Plum pudding?

-And the plum pudding.

-Is there anything that isn't ruined?

-Is there anything that isn't ruined?

-

-There is one thing.

-A glass of sherry?

-Hello, how are you?

-How are you Mr Jones?

-Merry Christmas.

-As happy as it can be

-in that position.

-Look on the bright side.

-It could be worse.

-You could have broken both legs.

-It all happened so suddenly.

-I saw you climbing the ladder

-but I didn't see you coming down.

-Mrs Thomas said

-you came down very quickly.

-But you didn't use the ladder

-to come down.

-Excuse me, I shouldn't laugh.

-I heard you landing like a sack

-of potatoes on the pavement.

-I'd never seen anything like it.

-Part of your leg stuck out

-in one direction.

-The knee bone pointed the other way.

-I only ate a turkey wing

-this lunchtime.

-I couldn't face a leg.

-You're all alone here.

-Lucky I came to keep you company.

-The others have gone home

-to their families.

-You couldn't go home even if

-you wanted - you're stuck to this.

-But your family

-don't live locally do they?

-Shame your son's so far away.

-Australia is ridiculously far away.

-It's worse for you

-than it is for me.

-You have a son,

-only he's in Australia.

-None of my family live in Australia.

-No-one visits me from Australia.

-But there wouldn't be any point

-in your son seeing you now.

-He couldn't see you

-under the bandages.

-The minister says a close neighbour

-is better than a faraway brother...

-..or a son for that matter.

-You're being fed through the tube,

-are you?

-Not much chance of a turkey

-coming down that, is there?

-Boxing Day tomorrow.

-Would you like me

-to visit you again tomorrow?

-There we are then,

-shall we say two o'clock?

-Merry Christmas to you.

-And remember, you'll never forget

-the century's last Christmas.

-Ta-ra!

-You've already heard Steffan

-singing about one star.

-But I've one star left backstage.

-A singer, presenter and a live wire.

-Please welcome, Shan Cothi.

-Merry Christmas!

-And to you.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-

-It's warm here, Ifan.

-Merry Christmas.

-

-It's warm here, Ifan.

-

-You're right - it is warm.

-Did Santa pay you a visit?

-Did Santa pay you a visit?

-

-He stayed the night too.

-Did he?

-I always intended spending Christmas

-up here on my own.

-But there's a problem - I don't have

-anyone to pull my crackers.

-That can be a problem.

-There's something sad about

-attaching crackers to a door knob.

-Would you pull a couple

-of crackers with me?

-Ifan, I'll pull anything for you!

-We'll start with the crackers.

-Bring them over.

-They're posh crackers!

-The best crackers.

-I'll pull this side.

-I hope there's something in them.

-I hope there's something in them.

-

-There will be.

-I've missed out again.

-Do you want to say the joke?

-Do you want to say the joke?

-

-OK then, because

-you're always telling them.

-How do you make an idiot laugh

-on Boxing Day?

-How do you make an idiot laugh

-on Boxing Day?

-Tell him a joke on Christmas Day.

-I don't understand.

-You'll get it tomorrow.

-Very good.

-You've come to sing for us tonight.

-Are you opening those afterwards?

-Later on, but you'd better go now.

-Don't open them

-until I've come back.

-Don't open them

-until I've come back.

-

-No!

-All the best.

-Parti Newyddion Da is joining Shan

-Cothi to sing 'Carol y Gannwyll'.

-Please welcome, Shan Cothi.

-Thanks to Shan and the children.

-The children reminded me

-of a cheeky boy who lives near me.

-The mistake I've made is

-giving him Christmas presents.

-Last year, I bought him a trumpet.

-He's made a fortune from it.

-His father gives him a fiver

-every week for not playing it.

-He was very keen this year.

-"Mr Jones," he said.

-That's what he calls me. "Have you

-decided on my present yet?"

-"No." "If you don't mind me saying,

-I have my eye on a bike this year."

-"Keep your eye on it, because

-your bum won't see it," I said.

-Thank you!

-Merry Christmas!

-Subtitles by

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