Carol Nadolig Cnex


Carol Nadolig

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-Presents

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-A Christmas Carol

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-Christmas Eve

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-# GOOD KING WENCESLAS #

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-FOREBODING MUSIC

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-Accounts

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-Brynley!

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-Well, how do the accounts look?

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-Do I have more money than sense?

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-Good one, Mr Terfel,

-more money than sense!

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-Well done, you're quite a bloke!

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-This is how it is now, Sir.

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-Since you raised the prices

-of the Faenol Festival tickets...

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-..beyond all reason this year,

-your profit for this year is...

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-..one, two, three...

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-..er, substantial, Mr Terfel.

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-You know, Brynley...

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-..there's nothing like money

-to make you feel warm inside.

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-Talking of feeling warm...

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-..any chance of getting

-a bit more heat here, Sir?

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-My assets are frozen.

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-My assets are frozen.

-

-More heat? More heat?

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-Well, I could burn your contract

-for next year's Dragon's Fire.

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-Right, Sir, I quite understand.

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-Carry on, shut my mouth,

-fingers turn blue, hypothermia...

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-..keel over, die, on a slab

-in the morgue, doesn't matter.

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-At least I'll get a blanket there.

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-BELL RINGS

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-# Do you remember

-Christmas long ago?

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-# Riding on our bikes,

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-# Holding hands, under the table,

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-# Kissing under the mistletoe.

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-# Resolve never to change,

-Innocent and foolish,

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-# Only starting the journey,

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-# To a life of rock 'n roll.

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-# Now, I make blue movies,

-Snort speed,

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-# Suck cocks, three by three,

-Inject crack in my tit veins,

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-# And your eyes sparkle,

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-# Because I've pierced my clit.

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-Who told that dwarf she could sing?

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-Oh, poor thing, Sir,

-they're only children.

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-Singing carols, seasonal fun,

-o come, all ye faithful...

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-..trick or treat, penny

-for the guy, British bulldog...

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-..gloria in excelsis hotel,

-and so forth.

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-It's Christmas tomorrow, Sir!

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-Christmas?

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-Don't talk to me about Christmas.

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-The Missus wanted me to ask you...

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-..er, what's the chance

-of having a day off tomorrow?

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-It's Christmas.

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-What, the whole day off?

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-Not for me, of course.

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-Working's my thing, as you know.

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-But for the family.

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-Especially little Ger.

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-Hmm.

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-And how is little Ger now?

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-Not great, I'm afraid, Sir.

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-Doctor says he won't walk again.

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-But you were right

-to shoot him, Mr Terfel, indeed.

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-Little Ger shouldn't have

-got stuck in your chimney.

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-Hmm.

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-Well, alright.

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-Take tomorrow off, if you must.

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-But I want you back

-earlier the next day!

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-Right, a quick wank, then home.

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-# SILENT NIGHT #

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-Brrr!

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-Little Ger.

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-How are you, old chap?

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-Well, it'll be ready soon, I hope.

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-Weather's cold enough to spoil

-a sewin, said Dic Ael y Gors.

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-What do you say to that, Father?

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-Er, that's it, whatever you said.

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-Where's your mother?

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-Could well be that the old

-crone's wetting the heather...

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-..as Islwyn Craig y Porth would say.

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-Eh?

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-Wetting the heather, Islwyn what?

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-I'm going to the pub,

-to see the lads.

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-Goodness, the drovers' wind

-snapping at your heels, Father.

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-Act your age, lad!

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-You're seven, not seventy.

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-SPOOKY MUSIC

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-CREAKING SOUND

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-Goodness!

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-Bloody hell,

-where did you come from?

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-Goodness, don't scare me,

-Terfel, you terror!

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-I'm a ghost, not the bloody

-taxman, you daft wally.

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-It's me, Dai,

-and I've come to warn you.

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-Warn me? About what?

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-You're in a hell of a hole,

-Ebenezer Terfel.

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-I'm a true Cardi. But goodness...

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-..the last time I saw

-a man as tight as you...

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-..was in San Francisco in '78.

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-And he wasn't tight for very long.

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-Listen!

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-You must change your ways,

-and learn how to be more generous.

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-Or eternal sadness will befall you.

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-So Dai has arranged for three

-ghosts to visit you tonight.

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-Note their words, if you want

-to have a hope saving yourself.

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-Expect the first ghost

-when the clock strikes one.

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-Goodness...

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-..goodness...

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-..goodness!

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-CRASH

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-Sorry.

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-That was a wardrobe.

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-Hee hee hee!

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-Hmm.

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-# JINGLE BELLS #

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-And I told him, Listen, Terfel,

-I'm taking tomorrow off...

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-..whatever you say.

-Out of my way, you fat twat.

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-And off I went.

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-And off I went.

-

-You're a hell of a bloke, Bryn.

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-What did he do when you walked out?

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-What could he do, lads?

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-You know me, I won't take

-any nonsense from anyone.

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-I speak my mind, call a spade

-a spade, print and be damned!

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-I'd have liked

-to be a fly on the wall.

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-I bet you feel

-like hitting him sometimes, Bryn.

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-I did hit him! Didn't I tell you?

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-I did hit him! Didn't I tell you?

-

-No, Bryn...

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-Yes! Hell of a slap.

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-Left hook.

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-No, a headbutt, a flying headbutt.

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-A left hook, and a flying headbutt.

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-And a kick in his balls!

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-Kick in his balls,

-flying headbutt and a left hook.

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-That's it.

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-PHONE

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-Hello!

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-It's me. You didn't finish

-the accounts, did you, you twat?

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-Yes, champion.

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-If they're not ready by morning...

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-..I'll be down on you

-like a ton of bricks.

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-Down on me? Alright.

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-Bloody lies,

-saying the figures were ready!

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-You expected me to swallow that?

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-You expected me to swallow that?

-

-Swallow that, great.

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-Can I trust you to do anything,

-without standing behind you all day?

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-Standing behind you.

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-I want them on my desk, first thing!

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-On your desk? Fine.

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-SNORES

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-So, on the desk from behind, nipples

-in vice, phone your sister...

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-..film the lot.

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-The Missus has planned something

-special for when I get home tonight.

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-You're a hell of a bloke, Bryn!

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-WIND BLOWS EERILY

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-SNORES

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-CLAP OF THUNDER

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-H... hello!

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-Who's there?

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-H... hello?

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-Hiya, chuck!

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-It's me, Plwmsan,

-the Spirit of Christmas Past.

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-You always were a has-been,

-if you ask me.

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-Whe-hey!

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-The spirit of Christmas long ago,

-when big, nasty Ebenezer Terfel...

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-..was tiny Ebenezer,

-like a tiny blue tit, chuck!

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-I'm going to take you

-back a long, long time.

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-Ready?

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-What's supposed to happen now?

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-Nothing.

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-I just wanted to show you my willy.

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-Off we go!

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-Here we are, chuck,

-we've arrived back, in long ago!

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-Ysgol Nantlle Vale

-when I was a child.

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-Good times.

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-Look, there I am!

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-Humbug! We need more humbugs,

-and Everton mints.

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-Better get two more boxes

-of Curly-wurlies too.

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-If this lasts,

-I'll be worth thousands.

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-I'll do it now, Sir!

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-Cycle to Liverpool to the warehouse,

-haggle the price...

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-..hide a box at the back, come back

-on the sly, sell it on to Terfel.

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-Say nothing.

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-So that's what the damn bat did!

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-Silly willy billy, chuck!

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-Now, Ebenezer, look, and tell me

-what you see with your little eye.

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-Fanny, my first love!

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-SOBBING

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-But Fanny, please

-don't do this to me!

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-You're too late, Ebenezer,

-I'm not going to hang around...

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-..waiting for you to marry me.

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-I've the fruit of the forest here,

-going to waste...

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-..because you're too tight

-to buy a ring - so I've decided...

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-..I'm going to cook

-on the other hob, as they say.

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-No!

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-No!

-

-You can play with your cash...

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-..and Elinor here

-can play with my gash.

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-Fanny!

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-Fanny!

-

-Ena, I have a piano lesson at five.

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-Dear Fanny, please, please!

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-I love you!

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-SOBS

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-She was quite a girl.

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-I would have given up

-everything for Fanny.

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-If you'd splashed out

-a bit of your wad on her...

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-..she might be still

-with you, chuck.

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-I showed you my willy, didn't I?

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-Hmm.

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-Can I have some more food, please?

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-I'm hungry, and I don't like

-being hungry. Know what I mean?

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-So can I have more food, please?

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-You're in the wrong film,

-Glyn, you damn crankie!

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-We're doing Christmas Carol,

-not Oliver.

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-Carry on, lads!

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-Cnex, Christmas Carol,

-Ebenezer Terfel's bedroom.

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-CLOCK STRIKES TWO

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-Oh... Fanny...

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-Fanny! Fanny!

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-Hello!

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-Bloody hell! It worked too.

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-Hiya!

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-"Fi 'di Ysbryd y Nadolig Presennol,"

-which means...

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-..I'm the

-Ghost of Christmas Present.

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-You're a hell of a present too!

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-Can I open you now?

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-"Na, na, ti wedi camddallt,"

-which means...

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-You've misunderstood.

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-"Dwi wedi dod i fynd a ti ar daith,"

-which means... take you on a trip.

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-OK?

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-OK?

-

-Oh, no, not another one!

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-Here you are, little Ger,

-a Christmas present. It's not much.

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-Skint, see. No money.

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-Shitty pay.

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-Minimum wage,

-union doesn't want to know.

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-Goodness, a parrot, Father.

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-"Parot" - a parrot.

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-Merry Christmas, old chap.

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-And Merry Christmas

-to Mr Terfel too.

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-Look at the poor creature.

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-Just like Long John Silver.

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-Isn't he, Nia?

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-Nia?

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-THUNDERCLAP

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-THUNDERCLAP

-

-Oh!

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-SPOOKY ROAR

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-Oh, Mama mia!

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-Are you the Ghost

-of Christmas Yet to Come?

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-ROAR

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-This has gone too far now.

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-Can I just go home, please?

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-I don't want to see any more.

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-Will this by my fate?

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-Forgotten and no-one

-tending my grave?

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-EGOCENTRIC LITTLE SOD

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-At least Brynley, my faithful

-worker, mourns for me.

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-Little Ger!

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-If I'd only saved enough money,

-so you could have the operation!

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-Tried my best, saved

-a bit every month in a pot...

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-..dipped into it to get

-some beer money, smokes...

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-..each way on the horses Saturdays,

-fortnight in Crete with the lads...

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-..strip clubs, pot was empty.

-Doesn't matter.

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-That's enough,

-I don't want to see any more!

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-Take me home!

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-LONG HUM

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-Take me home!

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-I'm home!

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-I'm alive, and I'm home.

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-And it's Christmas morning.

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-But... this means I can

-change things for better.

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-I must hurry!

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-Call again, Mr Terfel!

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-A Merry Christmas to you all!

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-Ho, ho, ho!

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-Merry Christmas!

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-Oh!

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-Hooray!

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-Here you are.

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-And you can even take in

-your own lush next year.

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-CHEERS

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-Golly, Mr Terfel!

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-What a surprise! Come in!

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-A Merry Christmas.

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-Will you stay for dinner?

-I'm about to carve.

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-We're having a wren again this year.

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-I've come to ask your forgiveness.

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-I've been a bad boss.

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-And furthermore,

-I've been a bad person.

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-I've spent my life

-worrying about money...

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-..and not caring

-about the people around me.

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-But last night showed me

-that money isn't everything.

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-And that his wealth

-is not the measure of a man...

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-..but the size of his heart.

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-And that happiness comes, not

-from putting cheques in the bank...

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-..but by putting a smile

-on the face of our fellow man.

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-Receiving a card from an old friend,

-seeing a child open his gifts...

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-..and receiving a present

-given with love.

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-That's what Christmas is.

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-And you, more than anyone, Brynley,

-deserve a happy Christmas.

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-So throw that puny wren out.

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-Today, you're going

-to feast like a king!

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-I don't... know what to say.

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-I feel faint...

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-..filling up, trembling lip...

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-..can't talk, etc, etc...

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-You've cooked little Ger!

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-Yes.

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-He didn't have long to live, anyway.

-I've been in the future, you see.

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-He only had six months, tops.

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-So come along, get stuck in!

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-You've got work to do tomorrow!

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-You've got work to do tomorrow!

-

-Eh?

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-Hey, you mind if I have the leg?

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-Hmm?

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-Ho, ho, ho!

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-Ho, ho, ho!

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-ALL LAUGH

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-Ha, ha, ha!

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-Hee, hee, hee!

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-Merry Christmas! Hooray!

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-Ho, ho, ho!

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-Good, innit?

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-The End

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-CHRISTMASSY TUNE

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-S4C Subtitles by:

-GWEAD

0:23:110:23:13

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