Episode 1 Hwyl y Noson Lawen

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-I have a friend called Arnold.

-What a character!

-To make him laugh on Monday,

-tell him the joke on Friday.

-He was walking down the street one

-day, with a brick under each arm.

-"Where are you going?" I asked.

-"Don't talk to me," he said.

-"A local lad threw a brick

-through our window last night."

-"Are you going to pay him back?"

-"Yes," he replied.

-"Why do you need two bricks?" "He's

-got double glazing," he replied.

-He was driving down the road once,

-when a chicken passed him...

-..doing 80mph.

-He could see the chicken

-was unusual. It had three legs.

-He was scared stiff.

-He pulled in, to catch his breath.

-A passing farmer asked if he was OK.

-"Yes," he replied. "A chicken

-just passed me doing 70 mph.

-"It was an odd chicken,

-it had three legs."

-"I know," said the farmer. "It's

-one of our chickens. We breed them."

-"Why the three legs?"

-asked my friend.

-"I'll tell you," replied the farmer.

-"I like the leg.

-"My wife likes the leg

-and my son likes the leg.

-"So we breed them three-legged."

-"What do they taste like?"

-"I don't know," replied the farmer.

-"I haven't caught one yet."

-He'd been out for a walk one

-afternoon. He had to catch a train.

-Standing at a gate, he could see

-the train was at the station.

-If he took the long way round,

-he'd miss the train.

-Who happened to pass but the farmer.

-"Excuse me," he asked the farmer.

-"If I cross this field,

-will I catch the 3.30 train?"

-The farmer replied, "If the bull

-sees you, you'll catch the 1.30."

-My friend Meirion

-wanted to sell a car.

-The 3-year-old car

-had done 75,000 miles.

-I told him, "You'll never sell it

-with 75,000 on the clock.

-"Turn the clock back".

-"Good idea," he replied.

-He turned the clock back to 9,000.

-Really!

-I saw him a month later. "Did you

-sell the car?" "Don't be daft.

-"Where else would I find a 3 year

-old car that's only done 9,000?"

-This is the setting.

-John Hughes is on a ship.

-The moon is full,

-the stars are shining.

-He looks out to sea,

-with a box in his hand.

-He lifts the lid.

-Inside, there is a small pot.

-He puts his hand in the pot,

-then throws the ashes onto the sea.

-The captain passes by, greets him

-and asks, "What are you doing?"

-"I'm scattering my mother-in-law's

-ashes on the waves," he replied.

-"You must have thought the world

-of her," said the captain.

-"No," he replied. "I hate fish."

-You caught me on the hop!

-Hang on a sec.

-Ha!

-Hello!

-Hello.

-Walter Tomos speaking,

-in case you forgot who I am.

-There's a good gang here.

-A full shed.

-I know her! How are you? What's up?

-Was the question too difficult?

-Do you want to ask the audience,

-take 50-50 or phone a friend?

-How are you?

-Which of us is cross-eyed?

-Are you alright?

-Final answer?

-Who wants to be a millionaire?

-I don't.

-I've never tried the lottery.

-Knowing my luck, I'd probably win.

-I had trouble finding

-my way here this evening.

-Tell the truth, I wasn't sure

-where 'Llanerddymech' was.

-I asked Mr Picton

-where 'Llanerddymech' was.

-"Don't you know?" he asked.

-"No," I replied.

-"Do you know where Rhos-y-bol is?"

-"Yes," said I.

-"Lift your shirt," he said.

-So I did.

-"Rhos-y-bol is there," he said.

-Who said Anglesey was flat?

-Here's Bodafon Mountain.

-"Here's Rhos-y-bol," he said.

-"Go down the road."

-Goodness, there's a little

-red spot here!

-Can you see it?

-What is it, I wonder?

-I know, it's a traffic light!

-Sorry for laughing,

-I hadn't heard that one myself.

-"Where next?" I asked.

-"Straight down," he said.

-"How far down must I go?" said I.

-You're getting ahead of me now!

-"Just to the roundabout,

-then turn left," he said.

-So that's what I did.

-I arrived in this little village.

-I asked a man where I was.

-"Maenaddwyn," he replied.

-"Man U to win?

-Yes, but where am I?" said I.

-Where do you come from?

-Llanddona.

-Llanddona.

-

-Where?

-Llanddona.

-

-Where?

-

-Llanddona.

-Llanddona?

-Hang on, I'll get the map.

-Whereabouts is Llanddona?

-Am I getting warmer?

-Around here?

-You live in a forest, do you?

-Oh! Do you know where that is?

-Moelfre.

-Don't ask me

-to show you Din Lligwy!

-

-Farmers, like myself, enjoy a bit

-of solitude. We don't like fuss.

-During one holiday,

-Wil stayed in a Bed and Breakfast.

-The lady owner was quite sharp.

-You didn't disturb her

-unless you had to.

-But Wil had an urgent request.

-"Mrs Jones, there's no toilet

-paper since yesterday."

-"Good grief! You've a tongue in your

-mouth, haven't you?" she replied.

-"Of course, but I haven't

-a neck like a giraffe's!"

-A husband and wife

-were on holiday in America.

-They met a Welsh-speaking American.

-"Where do you come from?" he asked.

-"Aberystwyth."

-The Welshman's wife was rather

-bad tempered and slightly deaf.

-"What did he say?" she asked.

-"He asked where we came from." "Oh."

-"I was in Aberystwyth during the

-War." "What did he say?" she asked.

-"He was in Aberystwyth

-during the War." "Oh."

-"I courted an Aberystwyth girl

-for four years." "What did he say?"

-"He dated an Aberystwyth girl

-for four years." "Oh."

-"She was an ugly bag," the American

-added. "And she was tight."

-"What did he say?"

-"He knows you well."

-A bloke went to see his doctor.

-He wasn't feeling well.

-The doctor examined him

-and could find nothing wrong.

-"Just answer me a question or two.

-Do you smoke?" the doctor asked.

-"Yes, I smoke the occasional fag

-and a cigar at Christmas time.

-"Nothing much."

-"Do you drink?"

-"I like my pint. I might drink more

-on Saturday night. Nothing stupid."

-"Fair enough", the doctor said,

-"You do realise...

-..cigarettes and alcohol

-are slow poisons."

-"I'm in no hurry," Wil said.

-It's difficult to get to see

-the doctor these days.

-First, you have to pass

-the receptionist.

-Aren't they pompous?

-They're pompous, cross

-and some are very nosy too.

-I saw the doctor last week

-and asked the receptionist...

-.."Can I see the doctor, love?"

-"Have you got an appointment?"

-she asked, as they do.

-"You can't, without an appointment."

-"No," I replied. "I didn't know I

-was going to be ill this morning.

-"When can I have an appointment?"

-Then they begin to flip the pages,

-don't they, looking cross.

-"1.45pm, a week Wednesday.

-Don't be late."

-"Fine," I said.

-"If I'm alive, I'll come back."

-I saw the doctor last week.

-Don't they ask silly questions?

-She was a very pretty lady doctor.

-Very shapely, too. "Problems with

-the waterworks?" she asked. "Yes."

-"Take your trousers off," she said.

-"I haven't even bought you

-a drink yet," I said.

-"Does it burn

-when you pass water?" she asked.

-"I've never put a match to it,"

-I replied.

-The best doctor story I've heard

-was about old Mrs Jones, Ty Pen.

-She was 84 and went to the doctor

-about a problem with her backside.

-A dreadful smell

-emanated from her rear.

-The doctor put her to lie down

-on the couch, to examine her.

-"May I ask a personal question,

-Mrs Jones?" asked the doctor.

-"Anything, doctor," she replied.

-"How often do you wash

-your back passage?"

-"Only when I hoover the stairs."

-I crossed Loughor bridge today,

-en route to Llanelli.

-As I drove over the bridge,

-I saw a man drowning in the river.

-I stopped to go to his aid.

-A man had already

-jumped off the bridge.

-He dragged the drowning man

-to the river bank.

-Once he'd hauled him to safety...

-..he began pumping his stomach.

-Water spurted out.

-The water showed

-no sign of stopping.

-Half an hour passed.

-The flow of water was never ending.

-I shouted, "Hey, Mister!

-Do you know what you're doing?"

-"Look here.

-I'm qualified in First Aid."

-"I'm a qualified engineer,"

-I replied.

-"Get his arse out of the river

-or you'll pump it dry."

-I'll say this quietly

-in case they hear me over there!

-Johnny Bach from my village

-was marrying a girl from his street.

-Just before the ceremony she said,

-"There's something you should know."

-"Don't tell me now!

-Wait until we're married."

-They set off for their honeymoon.

-On the aeroplane, she said,

-"Johnny. I must tell you."

-"Not just yet. Wait until

-we're in the honeymoon suite."

-As they lay in bed, she said,

-"Johnny bach, I've got to tell you.

-"You're the first man

-I've slept with."

-He jumped out of bed,

-packed his bags and went home.

-"What are you doing back so soon?"

-his mother asked.

-"You'll never believe it, Mam.

-We were just about to go to bed.

-"She announced I was the first man

-she'd slept with.

-"I packed and came home."

-"Quite right. If she's not good

-enough for the rest of them...

-..she's not good enough for you."

-Three lads went to Smithfield.

-Money was burning in their pockets.

-They'd heard a lot

-about a place called Soho.

-One had a tenner in his pocket.

-Another clutched a 20 note.

-The third had 30.

-They walked into an establishment.

-I've never heard of the place.

-The first walked in with his 10.

-The other two waited outside.

-"What did you get?"

-they asked as he reappeared.

-"Fantastic. I gave her 10.

-"She took off my shirt, I lay down.

-"She stroked my chest

-with a pineapple ring.

-"She put a dollop of cream

-on top and ate the lot.

-"Not a drop was left.

-"Fantastic."

-The next one went in with 20.

-His friends waited outside.

-He came out. "What happened?"

-"Fantastic.

-"I gave her 20. She removed

-my shirt. I lay on the bed.

-"She put two pineapple rings

-and cream on my chest.

-"Then she ate it all.

-"Fantastic. Brilliant."

-The bloke with 30 entered.

-His pals waited eagerly outside.

-He came out. "What did you get?"

-"Fantastic, fantastic.

-"I gave her 30.

-She took off my shirt.

-"I lay down, she placed

-four pineapple rings on my chest.

-"Covered with cream and cherries,

-they looked so nice, I ate one."

-S4C Subtitles by:

-GWEAD