Episode 1 Hwyl y Noson Lawen

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-A Miss Jones lives in every village.

-This Miss Jones was a spinster

-who lived on her own.

-Being unable to sleep one night,

-she became increasingly distressed.

-She looked through

-her bedroom window.

-A dog and bitch were mating outside,

-creating a disturbance.

-She was so upset, she called

-the vet from a bedside mobile phone.

-"Come quick," she said.

-"I can't sleep.

-"Two dogs are mating

-and making a racket.

-"Can you come to stop them?"

-The vet replied,

-"Don't you realise what time it is?

-"It's 2.30 in the morning."

-"Please tell me what I can do

-to stop them."

-"Go out and tell them

-I want them on the phone."

-"Will that stop them?"

-"Well, it stopped me."

-A lad asked his father,

-"Can I borrow a torch?"

-"What for?" "To go on a date."

-"I didn't need a torch years ago."

-"Yes, but look what you got."

-I love watching other people dance.

-One thing I've noticed is this.

-You can tell what people do

-from their dancing style.

-It's easy - I'll show you. You can

-pick out farmers straight away.

-It's as if they're milking cows!

-Have you seen how teachers dance?

-Like this.

-This is how

-bus and lorry drivers dance.

-One very dear relation of mine

-is a window cleaner.

-He dances like this.

-But my favourite

-is this sort of dancer.

-You see them sometimes.

-They're politicians.

-Even my friends, who are here

-tonight, haven't heard me sing.

-Here's a first - me singing opera.

-Have you seen opera on TV?

-While a world famous opera singer

-performs on stage...

-..viewers read

-subtitles on the screen.

-I saw an opera on TV

-two weeks ago.

-It starred a big, 20 stone singer.

-He came on stage and began to sing.

-'I'm home,' stated the subtitle.

-After all the fuss!

-A soprano joined him in a duet.

-'Where have you been?'

-The tenor returned.

-He pulled out all the stops.

-'Out.'

-How are you?

-The name's Willy.

-Everyone calls me Willy Bins.

-A new driver joined us this morning.

-Don't mention him! His name's Dei,

-Dei Double Vision.

-He can't see further than his nose.

-He's so shy,

-he's never had a woman.

-He's daft as a brush.

-Where on earth are you, Dei?

-Come on!

-Come on!

-Put that down.

-I told you he was stupid.

-Hey, Dei!

-Are you still looking for a woman?

-Yes.

-There are some pretty ones here.

-There are some pretty ones here.

-

-I know.

-See that one there? She's nice.

-Smart. Shame about the moustache.

-He's a man, idiot.

-Behave yourself.

-Why don't you do some work?

-Let's clear up this rubbish.

-Look what I've found. I haven't seen

-one of these for years.

-You know what it is, don't you?

-You know what it is, don't you?

-

-I wore one on my knees

-to plant swedes.

-Berk. That's not what it is!

-You don't get it, do you?

-But don't tell anyone this.

-I go through these bins.

-I can tell what the owners are like

-and who they are from these bins.

-You'll learn a lot from me.

-Take this bin. What's in it?

-An empty vodka bottle.

-An empty whisky bottle.

-An empty brandy bottle.

-Guess where this bin has come from.

-Guess where this bin has come from.

-

-The White Horse.

-The minister's house.

-Come on!

-I haven't a clue what's in here.

-# Defaid William Morgan #

-I wondered what happened

-to that group.

-You're starting to enjoy this.

-Here's another bin.

-Guess where this one's from.

-Look, an empty Viagra bottle.

-This one's from

-the old people's home.

-Up there?

-Up the road.

-They say the matron's

-behind this.

-She gives the old men a pill

-every night at bedtime.

-Why give Viagra to old men?

-It stops them

-rolling out of bed at night.

-Get on with it,

-or we'll be here all day.

-Wil!

-There's a woman in this bin.

-She isn't wearing those protection

-pads for planting swedes either.

-The rugby team

-had a good time last night.

-Come and talk to her, Dei.

-Hello, how are you?

-Hello, sexy!

-I don't feel well.

-What did she say?

-What did she say?

-

-She's feeling ill.

-What's wrong with you?

-What's wrong with you?

-

-I'm full of wind.

-Darling, my foot's stuck.

-What did she say?

-What did she say?

-

-Her foot's stuck.

-Help her.

-You'd better go in to help her.

-No way! You're smaller than me.

-We won't be long, love.

-Hurry up!

-Where is she stuck?

-Where is she stuck?

-

-Her foot.

-Where is she stuck?

-

-Her foot.

-

-Right!

-Watch out!

-Her foot?

-Go all the way down

-to release her foot.

-Help me!

-He'll never be the same again.

-Are you OK?

-They said these Meifod girls

-were goers.

-I've never seen one

-disappear so fast.

-

-Dogs are popular pets,

-especially small poodles.

-They're smart little dogs.

-One was on Aberystwyth High Street.

-On the opposite side

-stood a big old mongrel.

-He walked back and forth.

-"Hello," he said.

-"Hello," she replied.

-"Do you fancy some fun

-in the backstreets?"

-"I'm going to the poodle parlour,"

-she said.

-"I'm appearing in a show." "Oh."

-"Would you like to accompany me?"

-"No, I'll see you again," he said.

-A week later, the small poodle

-bumped into the big mongrel.

-"How did you get on in the show?"

-"Very good. I won 2 firsts,

-3 seconds and a highly commended."

-"Very good. Excellent."

-"How did you get on?" she enquired.

-"Quite good.

-I had 3 fights, 4 bitches...

-..and I'm highly contented."

-Do you hold

-fancy dress parties here?

-They're popular where I come from.

-I heard of a Halloween fancy dress

-party where guests wore masks.

-A couple intended going

-to the party in masks.

-The wife wasn't feeling very well.

-She told her husband,

-"Don't you miss the party".

-"I won't go without you."

-"I'll be OK."

-Off he went.

-She took an aspirin and went to bed.

-Within the hour, she felt better.

-Much better.

-She decided to go to the party,

-to see what her husband was up to.

-He didn't know which mask she had.

-She arrived at the party

-and recognised her husband's mask.

-She walked over to him.

-"Do you want to dance?" she asked.

-"OK," he said.

-They started to dance.

-His hands were all over her!

-"How about a kiss?" she suggested.

-"OK."

-They kissed. "Would you

-like to go out for a walk?"

-"OK," he said. That's what happened.

-She left before her husband

-and was lying in bed reading a book.

-Her husband returned. "Did you enjoy

-the party?" "No," he said.

-"What did you get up to?"

-"Nothing much."

-"Did you dance?" "Good grief, no,"

-he said. "What did you do?"

-"At the party, I bumped into two old

-mates. We played cards all night.

-"But I'll tell you one thing.

-"The bloke who borrowed my mask

-said he had a hell of a good time."

-Will my luck ever change?

-I'm a hotelier in Llandudno with

-Mary my wife and my grandfather.

-About three months ago,

-Mary ran away with the laundry man.

-It was sadder than that.

-Mary ran away with the laundry man.

-God, I miss him!

-I hadn't suspected anything.

-But looking back, I remember him

-asking, "Is Mary easy to please?"

-"I've never tried," I said.

-She came back, cleaner than ever.

-I'm glad she's back, because

-we're quite busy in the hotel.

-Guests are always complaining.

-A big, unpleasant woman

-stayed with us last week.

-Her husband was an old man

-and a messy eater.

-The food went everywhere,

-except his mouth.

-She was very sarcastic.

-"Have you a soup to match his tie?"

-she asked.

-"No, but the gravy

-will match his trousers."

-She was horribly sarcastic.

-"How did you find your steak?"

-I asked.

-"I picked up a lettuce leaf...

-..and it was hiding in the corner."

-We didn't hit it off from the start.

-On her first night, she asked me,

-"Do you serve crabs?"

-"We serve anyone," I said.

-"Would you like me to carry

-your bags upstairs?" I asked.

-"I don't have any bags."

-"What are those under your eyes?"

-I asked.

-Every meal time,

-something was wrong.

-"Is this trout fresh?" she asked.

-"Fresh?

-It's still chewing the worm."

-The following evening, she wanted

-a hamburger without onions.

-"We haven't any onions. You'll

-have to take it without tomatoes."

-"Do you have any wild duck?"

-"I've got a tame one," I said.

-"Shall I provoke her for you?"

-There are two statues

-in a London park.

-A naked man and woman,

-staring into each other's eyes.

-As far as I know, at least!

-One day, a member of the Bardic

-Gorsedd walked through the park.

-It could have been Bryn Terfel,

-or Arfon Wyn maybe.

-Or was it WJ, Llanbrynmair?

-They all look the same in frocks!

-Their supernatural powers

-allow them to perform miracles.

-He started to talk to the statues.

-"I'm going to turn you

-into flesh and blood."

-He succeeded in turning them

-into flesh and blood.

-One stood either side of him.

-"After one hour is up,

-you'll revert back into statues."

-He walked away,

-as these Gorsedd folk can do!

-He left the naked man and woman

-standing there.

-They weren't looking

-into each other's eyes any more!

-"Are you thinking what

-I'm thinking?" he asked.

-"You bet!" she replied.

-"Why don't we do it?"

-"Yes! Let's do it now!" she agreed.

-They dived into park bushes.

-Strange noises came from

-the bushes for fifty minutes.

-Are these noises familiar to you?

-I'm enjoying this!

-I must be an exhibitionist.

-They finally resurfaced.

-"Did you enjoy that?" he asked.

-"Oh, yes," she enthused.

-"Let's do it again.

-There's ten minutes left."

-"OK," she said, "but this time,

-you hold down the pigeons...

-..and I'll do my business on them".

-# Somebody's sending me flowers

-But who, I don't know

-# Every day more arrive

-without fail

-# I've no idea who I should thank

-# They've appeared on the window,

-Once they fell through the roof

-# They've even been

-squeezed through the keyhole

-# My home resembles

-the Garden of Eden

-# The plants

-are every shape and size

-# I admire the flowers for hours

-# There's no room to sit

-in my own home

-# Somebody's sending me flowers,

-more than I've ever received

-# But enough is enough,

-these flowers are silly

-# If I see another lily,

-I'll lose my mind

-# The first flower to arrive

-was a pink and cream rose

-# But the petals dropped off,

-leaving only thorns

-# A huge cactus was delivered.

-Pretty and colourful, like heather

-# A day or two later,

-I was at the end of my tether...

-..when it accepted a piece of meat

-# I was sent a complete patio

-through the post

-# And a ton or two

-of the parish pebbles...

-..which made me feel quite ill

-# Somebody out there loves flowers.

-They love sending them to me

-# But they are far too expensive...

-..because the bill for the lot

-has arrived for me! #

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN