Pennod 2 Hwyl y Noson Lawen

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-If I seem tired,

-it's because I went out last night.

-I took my wife out.

-I'm very good like that -

-I take my wife out every week.

-The problem is - she comes back!

-When we arrived home,

-my wife was in a good mood.

-She went up to bed.

-I thought to myself... you know!

-I wanted to keep things going.

-I took a cup of tea up to her.

-She was shocked -

-it had been so long!

-Does that sound familiar?!

-"Here's a cup of tea for you,"

-I said. "And these."

-"What are they?" she asked.

-"Two aspirins," I replied.

-"But I don't have a headache,"

-she said.

-And I replied, "Yeah!!"

-How many farmers are here tonight?

-I'd say there were a few.

-Yes, I can smell them.

-Farming has become

-a complicated business.

-Things aren't as they used to be.

-There's a mountain of paper work!

-But give the folk from the Ministry

-their due - they're very helpful.

-They like to call out

-to see what you have.

-A man from the Ministry arrived

-and introduced himself to Dai.

-"I'm here from the Ministry.

-"I'm conducting a survey to check

-your staff are paid a fair wage.

-"How many people work here?"

-"Three work here," said Dai.

-"Can I talk to them,

-and enquire how much they're paid?"

-"Start at the house," said Dai.

-They entered the house.

-"That's Mari, standing by

-the washing machine," explained Dai.

-"'Her Indoors' I call her," he said.

-"She's always indoors."

-"I pay her 130 a week."

-"Oh, right. And she lives-in.

-Quite reasonable," said the man.

-"Who else is there?"

-"Follow me outside," said Dai.

-They went to the milking parlour.

-"That's Fred over there.

-"Fred is standing next to the calf.

-"No - Fred's on the left.

-"Fred does all the work with

-the cattle, the feeding and milking.

-"I pay him 200 a week." "200?

-Oh, very good," said the inspector.

-"What about the other one?"

-"He's a bit of an idiot," said Dai.

-"He's rather soft in the head.

-"He does all the donkey jobs.

-I pay him about 25 a week."

-"25?!" "Yes."

-"Well, I'd like a word with him."

-"Well," said Dai.

-"You're talking to him."

-Thank you!

-Taid's a bloomin' nuisance.

-I lost him for two days last week.

-I found him in Betws-y-coed.

-"What are you doing here?" I asked.

-He replied,

-"Looking for the Viagra Falls."

-He practises safe sex.

-He got the carpenter

-to build a handrail around the bed.

-Taid was very confused, after

-the doctor gave him some tablets.

-He was confused

-because on the bottle it said...

-.."Take off cap and push up bottom."

-Taid couldn't understand

-why he had to take off his cap.

-He went to the doctor

-since he had a sore throat.

-The doctor said, "Don't eat for ten

-days." "What can I do?" asked Taid.

-The doctor said,

-"Feed yourself through your bottom."

-Taid asked, "What food can I eat?"

-The doctor replied, "Whatever fits."

-Taid said, "I like toast

-for breakfast." "Slice it, then..."

-Ten days later, Taid returned to

-the doctor. "Good morning," he said.

-The doctor said,

-"Good morning. How are you?"

-"I'm champion," said Taid.

-"Why are you walking around

-like that, then?" asked the doctor.

-Taid replied,

-"I'm chewing treacle toffee."

-Any teachers here tonight?

-Are there?

-Aye!

-Aye!

-

-Aye!

-You used to ask daft questions!

-Maybe you still do.

-"Fifteen apples in one hand, twenty

-in the other, what have I got?"

-"Big hands," I replied.

-We used to have stupid

-exam questions in school, too.

-I've noted a few.

-Listen to these examples.

-"Who was born in a stable,

-and had thousands of followers?"

-"Red Rum," I replied.

-Chemistry now - what a question!

-I'm sure I was right.

-"What liquid doesn't freeze?"

-"Hot water," I replied.

-"Why does a hen lay an egg?" "If

-it went the other way, it'd choke."

-"Where are the Gorsedd rocks?"

-"Between their legs!"

-Makes sense.

-"What do you call someone who speaks

-three languages?" "Trilingual."

-"What do you call someone who speaks

-two languages?" "Bilingual."

-"What do you call someone who speaks

-one language?" "An Englishman."

-# It's good, isn't it?

-# Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it?

-# Swell, isn't it?

-# Fun, isn't it?

-# Nowadays.

-# There are men everywhere

-# Jazz, everywhere

-# Booze, everywhere!

-# Life, everywhere. Joy everywhere.

-# Nowadays.

-# You can like the life

-you're living.

-# You can live the life you like.

-# You can even marry Harry

-# But mess around with Hank.

-# And that's good, isn't it?

-# Grand isn't it? Great isn't it?

-# Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it?

-# But nothing stays.

-# You can like the life

-you're living.

-# You can live the life you like.

-# You can even marry Harry

-# But mess around with Hank.

-# And that's good, isn't it?

-# Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it?

-# Swell, isn't it?

-# Fun, isn't it?

-# But nothing stays.

-# In fifty years, or so

-# It's gonna change, you know.

-# But, oh!

-# It's heaven!

-# And all that -

-# Jazz! #

-# I love

-# Jazz! #

-888

-Thomas John and Ifan

-bought an aeroplane.

-A 1919 Zeppelin from WW1.

-They wanted to parachute jump

-over the Black Mountains.

-As they flew over the

-Black Mountains, the pilot said...

-"..When the green light comes on,

-put on the parachute and jump out.

-"The parachutes

-are as old as the 'plane.

-"They're not guaranteed to open.

-"Don't pull the cord 'til

-you're 10 feet from the ground."

-"What if the cord doesn't open?"

-"Surely you can jump 10 feet!"

-Mrs Jones went to see her doctor.

-"I'm pregnant," she said.

-"Mrs Jones, this is your twelfth!

-"I've told you,

-you'll die if you have another one.

-"This is the twelfth."

-"I know," she said. "You must

-use contraceptives," he continued.

-"One more will be the end of you."

-"A hearing aid will do," she said.

-"What d'you mean, hearing aid?"

-"I'm a bit deaf," she explained.

-"When I go to bed, my husband asks,

-'Are you going to sleep or what?'

-"And I reply, 'What?'"

-The vet got a call one night.

-"Hello! Vet?"

-"Yes," he replied.

-"This is Mrs Jones. Come quickly!"

-"What's the matter?"

-"The dog has swallowed a condom."

-"Well, well," said the vet.

-"I'll get there as soon as I can."

-"Hurry! You must come now,"

-said Mrs Jones.

-The vet said, "I will.

-Just keep the dog still.

-"Don't let it waggle its tail."

-"OK," she replied.

-"Come as quickly as you can."

-"I will," said the vet.

-He put the phone down.

-Two minutes later, it rang again.

-"Hello! Vet? Mrs Jones here.

-You don't have to come.

-"We've found another one

-in the drawer."

-Hello, hello!

-Evita Morgan, from Patagonia. It's

-good to be in Caernarfon tonight.

-Why am I here? Well, I work

-part-time for Radio Patagonia.

-I'm here to interview

-north Wales celebrities.

-But I must admit,

-there's another reason why I'm here.

-Because you see,

-I'm also looking for a husband.

-Here in Caernarfon, the men

-are graceful, and act like princes.

-They're all handsome.

-Each one is a poet.

-The first thing I did

-was look for somewhere to stay.

-A man approached me.

-"Tried The Prince of Wales, love?"

-"No! I thought

-he was already married," I replied.

-I started to look for a husband

-at first light.

-I put an advert

-in The Daily Post and Herald.

-'Exotic woman seeks Caernarfon lad

-for long nights on the prairie.

-'A bilingual woman -

-Welsh and Spanish.

-'She can't speak a word of English.

-'She knows how to pull a calf.'

-Forgive me for wanting to capture

-one man's heart in particular.

-His name?

-Bryn Fon, my hero!

-I managed to get his number from

-an old friend and hero, Dafydd Iwan!

-I understood I could interview him

-between the Noson Lawen rehearsals.

-Wearing my favourite cardigan,

-I stared at myself in the mirror.

-Perfect!

-Off I went to the Noson Lawen.

-But when I arrived...

-..you'll never believe

-what happened.

-"Where's Bryn Fon?"

-I asked the receptionist.

-The man behind

-the counter stared at me.

-"Where d'you come from?" he asked.

-"From the south?"

-"Yes, yes, from South America,

-Patagonia!"

-"Oh, Lord. Do they come

-from there looking for him now?!

-"Don't throw any more knickers

-over the gate," he continued.

-"It's Nicaragua here already."

-Without any help,

-I wandered backstage.

-I discovered a room -

-and the door was open.

-The light was on.

-As I entered the room, I saw him!

-That's where he was!

-Bryn Fon.

-His eyes were closed

-as he lay on a three-piece suite.

-He was dead.

-What was I going to do?

-I had no time to think.

-A-ha! I jumped on top of him.

-I massaged his chest,

-and blew into his mouth.

-As I was doing this, Bryn woke up.

-"What the hell d'you think

-you're doing?" he asked.

-I'll never forget what he did next.

-He started to sing.

-# I remember your face,

-# Looking back at me.

-# Your eyes looking into my eyes.

-# My hand on your shoulder... #

-"My other hand looking frantically

-for my mobile to phone Security."

-They started to drag me,

-feet first, out of the room.

-I shouted, "No, Bryn, no!

-You've misunderstood!"

-But it was too late. The last thing

-I remember was Bryn saying...

-"..Damned stalker! Damned stalker!"

-Before coming on stage,

-I was sobbing.

-Caernarfon Male Voice choir

-smiled at me, trying to comfort me.

-Dafydd John in particular.

-I felt like a dead hedgehog,

-after the way Bryn treated me.

-Prickly and all squashed.

-One minute,

-Bryn was giving me the c'mon...

-..the next, he didn't want to know.

-I think I'll go back to Patagonia.

-Perhaps the men aren't poets...

-..but at least

-they know how to pull a calf.

-I came here for Mr Fon.

-I found him sadly lacking.

-Goodbye friends, goodbye Caernarfon!

-# Who are we?

-# What are we doing here?

-# Who knows the answers?

-# Proud Welsh.

-# The Third World right here

-# Waiting for Armageddon.

-# Running away

-# Running away

-from the world's worries.

-# In the beginning,

-there was the word

-# In the beginning

-there was nothing.

-# And after nothing, sweet FA

-# And after that, nothing.

-# And after that, nothing.

-# Who are they?

-# What are they doing here?

-# What happens in an assembly?

-# Red leeks

-# For a white rose, right here

-# Pretending

-to be a government house.

-# Running away

-# Running away

-from the world's worries.

-# In the beginning,

-there was the word

-# In the beginning

-there was nothing.

-# And after nothing, sweet FA

-# And after that, nothing.

-# And after that, nothing.

-# Is there anyone

-who'll stand for our country?

-# Is there a hero in the land?

-# Are the matches damp,

-or is the flame still burning?

-# Owain, where are your sons?

-They're needed here.

-# In the beginning,

-there was the word

-# In the beginning

-there was nothing.

-# And after nothing, sweet FA

-# And after that, nothing.

-# In the beginning,

-there was the word

-# In the beginning

-there was nothing.

-# And after nothing, sweet FA

-# And after that, nothing.

-# And after that, nothing.

-# Ah-ah-ah.

-# Ah-ah-ah. #

-S4C Subtitles by GWEAD