Alwyn Sion Noson Lawen

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-Thanks to 'Traed Dan Bwrdd'

-for the jolly opening song.

-Welcome to Maes Machreth farm,

-Glantwymyn.

-How are you all?

-Or as Montgomery folk would say...

-.."How are you, old cock?"

-It's good to see so many children.

-When the phone rings,

-do you run to answer?

-It's a natural reaction.

-But it can cause problems.

-A friend of mine sells insurance

-from home. He rang a household...

-..and a very young boy

-answered in a whisper.

-Here's what was said.

-"Hello, son. Is your father there?"

-"Yes."

-"Can I talk to him?"

-"No, he's busy."

-"Oh."

-"Is your mother there?

-"Yes."

-"Can I talk to her?"

-"No, she's busy too."

-"Is there anyone else home?"

-"Yes."

-"Who?"

-"Firemen."

-"Can I talk to one of them?"

-"No, they're busy too."

-"I see. Is there anyone else there?"

-"Yes." "Who?" "Policemen."

-"Policemen?" "Yes."

-"Can I talk to one of them?"

-"No, they're very busy."

-"What are they all doing?"

-"Looking for me."

-Some people are filthy rich.

-Did you hear about

-the fabulously wealthy Lord?

-On his deathbed,

-he summoned his lawyer.

-The lawyer was told to gather

-the servants downstairs.

-"Can you ask Mary, the housekeeper,

-to come up?"

-Mary was called. "He wants to see

-Mary," they whispered.

-Mary tidied herself up

-and walked upstairs.

-"Mary," said his Lordship. "You've

-been with the family for 50 years.

-"And your mother before you.

-I'm leaving you Carnegie Hall.

-"200 rooms and 5,000 acres."

-"Thank you, Sir," she replied.

-"Can you send up Gwen, the maid?"

-"Of course."

-She hurried down to tell the others.

-"He wants to see you now, Gwen."

-Gwen ran upstairs.

-"You've been with the family

-for 25 years.

-"You've been a good, loyal maid.

-I'm leaving you Raggat Hall.

-"100 rooms and 500 acres."

-"Thank you, Sir."

-"Send John, the gardener up."

-"John," she said. "It's your turn!"

-John walked upstairs

-in his wellingtons.

-He stood at the bottom of the bed.

-"Here I am, Sir." "John...

-..you've only been the gardener

-here for two weeks.

-"The flowers have all died.

-"Apples have fallen from the trees.

-"We haven't any fruit

-and the greenhouses are in ruins.

-"So you're getting sod all!"

-"Thank you. How many rooms?"

-It's my pleasure to introduce

-a young singer from Llanerfyl.

-She's only fifteen years old...

-..and already she's making her mark

-on concert and Eisteddfod stages.

-Please welcome, Catrin Evans.

-Thank you.

-This is a translation

-of 'Love changes everything'.

-Can I ask some of you women...

-..which washing powder

-gives you the best results?

-Your husband looks good.

-His shirt isn't bad either.

-Have you heard about

-a new powder called 'Flash'?

-Haven't you seen the advert,

-'Whatever the stain, beer or nosh...

-..wash in Flash?'

-I could say my neighbour sells it

-but I can't - he's in the choir!

-A bloke from Bala...

-..I think the coast is clear,

-tried his hand selling Flash.

-Armed with a sample and bucket,

-he knocked on a housewife's door.

-"I'm here to demonstrate Flash

-washing powder.

-"Bring me the dirtiest item

-from your laundry basket."

-Her husband worked in a garage,

-so she brought his filthy overalls.

-He plunged them into the water.

-He lifted them to his nose.

-What a sweet smell!

-Clean...

-..in a flash!

-"What about something else?

-Anything, as long as it's dirty."

-"The kids' football kits?"

-"Fine."

-After a wash,

-they smelt wonderful too.

-Clean, like your husband.

-His shirt, that is!

-"Have you got anything else?"

-"This is a bit embarrassing,"

-she said.

-"I've got a pair of old bloomers.

-"They've been here many months."

-"Bring them."

-He put the bloomers into the water,

-to his nose and back in the water.

-If you went to Bala Eisteddfod...

-..I'm sure you enjoyed

-Meirion youth choir.

-Their show, 'Er Mwyn Yfory',

-was about The Tithe War.

-They say two pictures still exist

-of men who took part in the battle.

-In one of them, they all wore hats.

-This song poses the question...

-..'How did the photographer

-take these two pictures?'

-Please welcome, Geraint Roberts

-and Meirion youth choir to sing...

-..'Sefwch yn llonydd'.

-

-It's every woman's nightmare

-to turn up at a party...

-..and find someone

-wearing the same frock.

-There's a couple here tonight!

-And loads over there!

-People are the same

-about their pets.

-A man walked into a Machynlleth cafe

-with a small black dog.

-Another bloke approached him.

-"My dog is exactly like yours."

-"That's impossible. This dog's

-got a white spot on his tail."

-"Mine has a white spot on his tail."

-"He's got a white spot on his chin."

-"And mine."

-"You can't have a dog like this one,

-because every morning at eight...

-..this dog opens my bedroom door

-and comes into my bed.

-"He licks my face, wakes me

-and fetches the paper.

-"He trots into the kitchen

-to prepare toast and a boiled egg.

-"He brings my breakfast

-to bed on a tray."

-"How incredible!" said the other.

-"At eight o'clock every morning...

-..my dog comes to my room, into bed,

-licks my face, wakes me up...

-..fetches the paper, prepares

-breakfast and brings it to my bed.

-"Then he stands on his head."

-"Why does he stand on his head?"

-"He always forgets the eggcup."

-This next artist

-needs no introduction.

-She's one of Montgomeryshire's

-brightest stars.

-She's an actress and singer.

-Please welcome, Sian James.

-Thank you.

-'Mi fum yn gweini tymor'

-is a cheerful folk song...

-..from the collection by

-Phyllis Kinney and Meredydd Evans.

-I've loved jazz and blues

-since I was a young girl.

-This was sung by Bessie Smith

-in the first half of the century.

-Meirion McIntyre Huws translated it

-for me. 'Pam na wnei di'n iawn?'

-Looking around me,

-I've noticed some important people.

-There's a councillor or two here!

-I've heard Powys

-has a very good council.

-Whatever the problem,

-someone can fix it.

-A Machynlleth bloke

-woke up one morning.

-As he looked out

-of his bedroom window...

-..he noticed a gorilla

-in his apple tree.

-The biggest gorilla he'd ever seen!

-He phoned Powys Council. "We'll send

-someone over straight away."

-Within minutes,

-the gorilla-catcher had arrived.

-I said the council had everything!

-He came out of his van

-with a small terrier dog...

-..handcuffs and a shotgun.

-He turned to the man.

-"Hold the handcuffs, dog and gun.

-I'll go up," he said.

-"What's going to happen?"

-"I'm going up there.

-"I'll shake the tree and the gorilla

-will fall to the floor.

-"When he lands,

-the dog will jump for its !!!...

-..and when his hands are like this,

-put the handcuffs on.

-"Then we'll put him in the van.

-"There's nothing to worry about."

-He started to climb the tree.

-"Hold on!

-What do I do with the gun?"

-"If I fall first,

-shoot the blooming dog."

-I don't know whether

-we're lucky or unlucky tonight.

-A world famous opera singer

-has flown here tonight...

-..in her private helicopter,

-from Sydney Opera House.

-Please welcome, the world famous

-Madam Mad Elina!

-# Out of tune

-# Yes, I'm deaf as a post

-# In the Eisteddfod in Rhyl

-I was top of the bill

-# They laughed

-until they were sick

-# Out of tune

-# Sometimes I howl like a dog

-# On the prom in Llandudno,

-down by the sea...

-..I had reached the climax,

-the ninth encore

-# But what came on the stage,

-but two...

-..Labradors

-# I was out of tune

-# My technique is perfect

-# I hit every note

-# My mouth has been painted

-in oil by Kyffin

-# The musical judges praise my

-singing, passion and carriage...

-..and the way that I phrase

-# Bryn Terfel

-is a life-long fan

-# Even so, something is wrong

-# Out of tune

-# Especially in modern pieces

-# It doesn't matter

-that some notes are right...

-# ..and others sound

-like a baboon's screams

-# Out of tune

-# I sing my way round the world

-# The Sydney Opera

-is a very big place

-# And the Met and La Scala -

-but honestly now...

-..I'd rather sing to Merched y Wawr.

-# Merched y Wawr

-# But I'm out of tune

-# I'm out of tune #

-

-I've got to know these people

-in the front quite well...

-..a couple here, the fellow over

-there. Does your husband snore?

-Hands up if your husband snores.

-It's terrible, isn't it?

-The wife's the culprit here!

-It's awful.

-When they pause,

-you think they've died!

-The problem affected

-neighbours of mine badly.

-The newly married wife

-was having a hard time.

-He drank heavily. Drunk people

-are the worst offenders!

-Every street

-has its very own know-it-all.

-They always offer words of wisdom.

-"When my children were young

-and they hiccuped at night...

-..I'd pull down their nappies...

-..and put a red bow

-on their bellies.

-"It worked a treat!"

-"I'll try anything

-for a good night's sleep," she said.

-Her husband returned

-from his nightly jaunt to the pub.

-His snoring was unbearable.

-She was livid!

-Then she remembered what to do.

-She pulled down his pyjamas

-and plonked a red bow...

-..on his belly.

-At least the choir's

-got imagination!

-The bow on his belly didn't work.

-She made a new bow

-from blue material.

-In the morning, she was furious.

-"Where were you last night? You were

-so drunk, you disturbed everyone!"

-He pulled down the bedclothes.

-"No idea

-but I won first and second prize."

-Thank you...

-..you're too kind!

-These lads from the Dovey valley

-have sung together for four years.

-Peter, Aled and Owain are

-accompanied by Nia Wyn Williams...

-..or Nia Ty Pellaf,

-as she calls herself.

-You've heard them once already.

-Please welcome, Traed Dan Bwrdd.

-Thank you.

-I'm sure you've all suffered from

-the effects of the night before.

-This song repeats what

-we've all said from time to time...

-.."I promise - never again!"

-Here's another story

-about your council.

-The Social Services Director

-had taken your MP, Mr Opik...

-..on a tour of old people's homes.

-One character, Wil,

-had been in the home for years.

-They walked up the driveway.

-The Director asked,

-"How are you, Wil?" "Fine thanks."

-"This is Mr Opik.

-"He's the MP."

-"Don't worry," said Wil.

-"I thought I was Nelson

-when I first came here."

-I broke the journey

-in Cemaes on my way here.

-Have you seen the smart Cemaes cafe?

-It's a brilliant cafe.

-What's so funny?

-It's lovely. I ordered a cup of tea.

-It was a plush place.

-I struck up a conversation.

-"This is a smart cafe."

-"You wouldn't have said so two weeks

-ago. It was a dreadful place."

-He explained what had happened.

-It used to be dirty and shabby.

-An Environment Health inspector

-had called by.

-He came incognito.

-He sat down

-and ordered a coffee.

-The mug was cracked and dirty.

-A cream slice was handed to him

-by the owner's grubby fingers.

-His feet stuck to the floor.

-That's the type of place it was.

-The inspector revealed his identity.

-"I'll give you a week to improve

-or I'll close this place down."

-A week later -

-the cafe was transformed.

-Deep pile carpets had been fitted

-and the walls had been tiled.

-The owner wore a tail coat,

-a bow tie and a crisp white shirt.

-He walked up to the counter and was

-given tea in a delicate china cup.

-The cakes were stored

-under a sophisticated glass dome.

-Tongs were used to serve cakes.

-Hygienic!

-You've never seen anything like it!

-"I've never seen such a dramatic

-transformation," said the inspector.

-"Congratulations. You also look

-exceptionally smart and clean.

-"I don't want to embarrass you...

-..but there's a length of chord

-hanging from your flies."

-"Yes," he replied, "hygiene."

-I'll take you with me everywhere!

-"Hygiene."

-"What do you mean?"

-"When I go the toilet...

-..untouched by human hands."

-"Congratulations.

-I've never seen that before.

-"What happens when you've finished?"

-"I use the tongs."

-Unfortunately,

-the evening is nearly over.

-You've already heard them tonight.

-Please welcome, Cor Meirion and

-their accompanist, Linda Gittins.

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN