Dilwyn Morgan Noson Lawen

-888

-888

-888

-Good evening and a warm welcome

-to Barcud studios, Caernarfon.

-What better way

-to start a memorable evening...

-..than with Dyffryn Peris choir,

-singing of their beloved valley?

-Accompanied by Hefina Jones,

-their conductor is Arwel Jones.

-I was called in at short notice

-to present tonight.

-It should have been Dai Jones,

-Llanilar.

-But he was involved in an accident

-as he thumbed a lift here.

-A steamroller went over him

-in Bontnewydd.

-You can send him a card

-to Ysbyty Gwynedd...

-..wards 7, 8 and 9.

-I overheard someone

-talking about me.

-"He's looking good these days.

-What a transformation!"

-I have shaved.

-My beard was so bushy, I had

-to kiss my wife through a straw.

-I've been on two separate diets

-recommended by Woman's Weekly.

-I had to take castor oil, cod liver

-oil, engine oil and gearbox oil.

-I haven't lost a pound

-but I've stopped screeching.

-The other was a baked beans

-and garlic diet...

-..for three months.

-I lost ten friends.

-My first wife - boy was she ugly!

-The poor cow was so plain,

-a peeping Tom rang one night.

-He asked her to close the curtains.

-She washed her bloomers last year

-and hung them out to dry.

-That's where Llangwm Eisteddfod

-was held.

-This young girl is making a name

-for herself as a singer and harpist.

-She recently performed

-in the Netherlands.

-But she's here tonight with us

-in Caernarfon.

-Please welcome, Manon Llwyd.

-Thank you for the welcome.

-This is a tribute to a Caernarfon

-character, 'Bob yr Herald'.

-I composed the music

-to Eurig Wyn's lyrics.

-With Owen on the double bass,

-here's 'Pwy sy' am rewi y dagrau?'

-Manon Llwyd!

-My second wife...

-..was grossly fat.

-She was so fat, she was taller

-lying down than standing up.

-On our wedding day,

-I carried her over the threshold.

-I had a kiss...

-..a cuddle...

-..and a hernia.

-On our wedding night, I said,

-"Darling...

-"I'd swim the deepest river...

-"I'd cross the widest desert...

-"I'd climb the highest mountain...

-..for you."

-She divorced me. I was never home.

-William Hughes

-went to see his doctor.

-William Hughes was 83 years old.

-Eighty three!

-He told the doctor,

-"I'd like some advice.

-"I'm marrying Cheryl next Saturday.

-"Cheryl is twenty years old."

-"Good grief!" said the doctor.

-"We're in love

-and want to start a family."

-"Well," said the doctor. "You're 83.

-"That's quite a dangerous age.

-"You must consider your heart.

-No excitement. Take things easy.

-"I suggest you take on a lodger."

-"Fine, thanks Doctor."

-Six months later,

-the doctor met William in town.

-He was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

-"Thank you, Doctor," he said.

-"Cheryl is pregnant.

-"And thanks for the advice

-about a lodger.

-"She's pregnant too."

-A poet.

-Composer.

-A character...

-..and musician.

-His songs have a message to

-every establishment. No-one's safe.

-Looking after him tonight

-is Owen Owens.

-Who else but Geraint Lovgreen?

-Thank you.

-This song is about country music.

-I really like country music...

-..because no matter how sad you are,

-someone's always sadder.

-Here's 'Canu Gwlad'.

-# My childhood was a lonely one,

-full of sadness and pain

-# My life has been one long

-catastrophe

-# I didn't have any sisters,

-my only brother ran away...

-# ..my only friend in the world

-was Shep the dog

-# Mam choked to death on a chip

-butty, when I was four years old

-# Leaving only Shep

-and me and Dad

-# Dad died of a broken heart

-within a matter of weeks

-# That's when I discovered

-country songs

-# Country songs

-# There's nothing like it

-under the sun

-# Country songs

-# Show the whole world

-how it's done

-# Country songs make all

-the sadness seem worthwhile

-# Country songs

-# When I want to cry out loud

-# Country songs

-# Tears fall like rain drops

-from a cloud

-# Country songs

-let you suffer in style

-# All through my adolescence,

-I lived on my own

-# With no-one

-but Shep to share the pain

-# When I reached adulthood,

-my only friend was shot

-# He'd been caught

-chasing a newborn lamb

-# But I found myself a girlfriend,

-whom I married one summer's day

-# She died after being hit

-by a car

-# I was on my own again,

-without a friend in the world

-# But everything's OK

-when I pick up my guitar

-# Country songs

-# There's nothing like it

-under the sun. Country songs

-# Show the whole world

-how it's done

-# Country songs make all

-the suffering seem worthwhile

-# Country songs

-# When I want to cry out loud

-# Country songs

-# Tears fall like rain drops

-from a cloud

-# Country songs

-let you suffer in style

-# Tonight, on the railway track,

-as I gaze up at the moon

-# I'm waiting for a train

-within the hour

-# But now as dawn is breaking,

-there's still no sign of a train

-# Apparently,

-there's a delay in Penmaenmawr

-# I might as well get up and go,

-to my lonely little bungalow...

-# ..to drink another bottle

-of Jim Beam

-# And here I sit alone again,

-in the kitchen, with the radio on

-# Just me, John & Alun and Doreen

-# Country songs

-# There's nothing like it

-under the sun

-# Country songs

-# They show the whole world

-how it's done

-# Country songs

-make the suffering worthwhile

-# Country songs

-# When I want to cry out loud

-# Country songs. Tears fall

-like rain drops from a cloud

-# Country songs

-let you suffer in style

-# Country songs

-let you suffer in style

-

-Thank you, Dafydd Wyn Williams

-and Deiniolen Band!

-A bloke went to his doctor.

-He walked into surgery. "Come in,"

-said the doctor. "What's wrong?"

-He was an experienced doctor.

-He'd been around.

-"Pardon?" he asked.

-"Listen," he said,

-handing him some paper.

-"Write down what's wrong with you."

-'Dear Doctor.

-'Nobody can understand me speak.

-'Can you do something, please?'

-"No problem," he replied.

-"Say no more."

-That isn't the joke!

-"Say no more.

-"Take off your trousers.

-"I'm a doctor. Trust me.

-"Take off your trousers

-and underpants.

-"Take off your trousers

-and underpants and bend over.

-"Do what I say.

-I've been a doctor for years."

-The bloke bent over,

-in front of the doctor.

-The doctor delved into his bag.

-He took out a poker.

-About this big.

-"I don't quite know how to do this."

-The doctor took aim with the poker.

-"Ah!" he shouted.

-"Well done," said the doctor.

-"Tomorrow we'll do B."

-They say it's hard

-for farmers today.

-But this next poor creature

-is having a particularly bad time.

-Please welcome him.

-How is it?

-There's a full house tonight.

-The Royal Welsh

-brought in the crowds too.

-I won last year's Denbigh and Flint

-Show, with a Suffolk cockerel.

-I decided to compete in

-the Royal Welsh to see how I'd fare.

-I'd been tending

-the cockerel for weeks.

-I'd been meticulous. Shoe polish

-made his feathers shine.

-Lipstick made his comb redder.

-And a box of Paxo on the shelf

-made him sweat a bit.

-He's been with us

-since he was a chick.

-If he'd hatched five minutes later,

-I would have poached him.

-He's named

-on the pedigree form as...

-..Sir Emlyn Watkin Goldielandie

-of Argyllshire.

-'Cock of the north' we call him.

-Idris wanted to accompany me

-to Builth Wells.

-Leaving on a Sunday

-didn't go down well with Mother.

-She didn't want us to travel on the

-Sabbath. That's how she was raised.

-She confiscates the budgie's swing

-on Sunday in case it enjoys itself.

-We borrowed a caravan

-to go to the Show.

-The static caravan

-wasn't static for long.

-I gave it 2 axles

-and 4 wheelbarrow wheels.

-But they weren't any old wheels.

-These were H-spoked alloys...

-..with lockable wheel nuts

-on every one.

-The caravan was a 'longer load'

-than we'd bargained for.

-We had a near miss at Dolgellau.

-It's not easy emerging from the

-Brithdir junction pulling a caravan.

-A car coming from Dinas Mawddwy

-missed us by inches.

-He hit the awning -

-and the portaloo at the rear.

-The car was driven

-by people from Switzerland.

-These visitors!

-The Swiss are meant to be pacifists.

-This one wasn't!

-He chased us

-until we stopped at Cross Foxes.

-As he walked towards us,

-I tried making a run for it.

-He wouldn't let go of my trousers.

-He took a Swiss army knife out.

-I feared for my life.

-He was livid - road rage.

-He stabbed me with a spanner

-for five minutes.

-We finally reached Builth Wells.

-We parked

-and headed for the poultry section.

-A lady registrar was in attendance.

-I walked over.

-"I've come to show my cockerel."

-"Let's have a look at it then."

-I pulled the cockerel from the sack.

-"It's a big one isn't it?" she said.

-"Yes," I said.

-"But it's not quite fully grown".

-"Where do you want it?"

-"Around the back."

-I put the cockerel down

-whilst I filled the form.

-A devil on a quad bike ran over it

-and killed it. It upset me.

-He was a competitor from Hereford.

-I suspect he did it on purpose.

-I was distraught. I walked

-into some trees to cry on my own.

-Such was my grief!

-My world collapsed.

-But as Dad says...

-"There's a subsidy cheque

-at the end of every tunnel".

-There I was, crying alone,

-when I heard an angelic voice.

-"Alright, my lover?"

-The most beautiful creature who'd

-ever walked the planet stood there.

-Heaven!

-Her eyes were as black as night.

-Her lips as red as wild strawberries

-on a dewy August morning.

-Anyway...

-..Idris saw us talking

-so he came over.

-But she fancied me, I knew.

-She kept staring at my wellingtons.

-Not this pair

-but my town wellingtons.

-I might not look very romantic...

-..but I know how to treat a lady.

-I invited Jezebel out

-for a slap-up meal.

-We had a table for two

-in the Little Chef.

-It's very nice!

-But why do they put pictures on

-the menu? Do they think we're thick?

-I know what fish and chicken

-look like - I don't need pictures.

-I nearly asked why they did this.

-But I found out why. The pictures

-represent the size of the plates.

-As we ate,

-I only had one thing on my mind.

-I thought I'd lost my chance when

-she ordered a knickerbocker glory.

-No-one could eat like Jezebel.

-We walked back to the caravan.

-She was hungry again.

-I bought her some sausage and chips.

-She ate the chips with one hand,

-then she grabbed me...

-..and pulled me towards her.

-I was starting to feel hot.

-Then I remembered - she squashed

-the sausage and chips between us.

-I pulled away, so as not to burn.

-She grabbed the sausage...

-..but she grabbed the wrong sausage!

-Good grief!

-I had an 'out of body' experience.

-I went to heaven and back.

-I knew it was heaven -

-it hadn't rained for weeks.

-We walked to the caravan.

-Idris was sulking.

-He wouldn't let us into the caravan.

-Jezebel and I sat in the pick up.

-That's uncomfortable -

-trying to make love in a pick up.

-Nothing's worse than seeing yourself

-in the wing mirror and reading...

-..'Objects in the rear view mirror

-may appear larger than they are'.

-Jezebel asked me,

-"Do you practise safe sex?"

-"No, but I do unsafe sex very well,"

-I replied.

-"No, safe sex!"

-"Hold on," I said...

-..I used to go with a girl from

-Rhydymain who practised safe sex".

-"Was she on the pill?" "No.

-She'd lock the car doors." 'Bye!

-

-Dyffryn Peris choir!

-The butcher's in Bala was about

-to close one Saturday night...

-..when a small dog came in.

-The butcher chased him out

-saying, "Scat!"

-Two minutes later, the dog returned.

-It had something in its mouth.

-It was a note saying 'Dear Sir...

-..'Please give the dog 12 sausages,

-2 slices of brawn and 5 faggots.

-'The money's in his mouth.'

-The butcher found a 10 note.

-The dog left with the meat

-and some change.

-It was so unusual,

-the butcher decided to follow him.

-The dog walked through town

-towards a pedestrian crossing.

-He pressed the button.

-When the little man

-went "bleep bleep"...

-..he crossed over to the bus stop.

-He studied the timetable.

-The six o'clock bus appeared.

-The dog checked

-it was the right number.

-He got on the double-decker bus.

-He took a front seat, for

-a better view of the countryside.

-After ten minutes,

-he got up to ring the bell.

-The bus stopped.

-The dog alighted

-and walked towards a smart house.

-Having put the parcel down...

-..he took a running jump and threw

-himself head first on the door.

-Nothing happened. He tried again.

-He walked back down the path

-and shoulder-charged the door.

-The butcher hid in the hedge,

-taking it all in. He was baffled.

-The door was finally opened by a

-giant of a man, clutching a stick.

-He began beating the dog

-mercilessly.

-Don't worry. It's not a true story!

-The butcher cried out,

-"What are you doing?

-"You're probably beating

-the world's cleverest dog."

-"Clever - my foot! He's forgotten

-his keys three times this week!"

-A bloke from Bala

-won a holiday in the North Pole.

-The itinerary included

-a fishing excursion.

-The North Pole itself

-was only 20 yards away.

-He sat with his flask

-whilst they cut a hole in the ice.

-He began fishing.

-He didn't catch a thing for hours.

-An Eskimo appeared on the horizon.

-The Eskimo bored a hole

-next to his.

-He began fishing.

-Within minutes,

-an enormous fish had taken the bite.

-It was like this...well!

-It was a beauty.

-The bloke thought, 'Strange,

-his hole is just next to mine'.

-Minutes later, he'd caught another.

-The Eskimo's basket was soon full.

-The Bala lad hadn't had a bite even.

-"Excuse me," he asked.

-"How are you so successful?"

-"Pardon?"

-"Oh."

-This continued for half an hour.

-"What's your secret?"

-"Pardon?" The Eskimo spat.

-"You have to keep the maggots warm".

-Over the years, he's entertained

-thousands through Wales and beyond.

-I can't imagine a better way

-to close 'Noson Lawen'...

-..than with the evergreen tenor,

-Trebor Edwards.

-Thank you.

-Everyone in Wales likes a love song.

-This song is about longing

-for a loved one, 'Dagrau Hiraeth'.

-Thank you.

-I'll sing a new song for you now.

-The original lyrics

-refer to an island in Scotland.

-But in this version,

-by Margaret Edwards from Betws...

-..the island becomes Bardsey.

-I hope you'll enjoy, 'Ynys Enlli.'

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN