Idris Charles Noson Lawen

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-Thank you.

-Welcome to NOSON LAWEN from

-Gwern Elwy farm, Henllan, Denbigh.

-Wasn't that

-a wonderful opening song?

-The muscular, good-looking choir...

-..I can't remember

-what else they asked me to say.

-Their conductor is Vera Savage.

-Thanks to Meibion Twm o'r Nant.

-Somebody asked me backstage,

-"Have you got good jokes tonight?"

-I don't tell jokes, I just remember

-funny things people say.

-The things you and I say

-as parents to our children.

-The stupid things

-our parents told us.

-I remember Mam telling me,

-"Idris. Look at your ears".

-Only Prince Charles can do that.

-Didn't they say silly things?

-"Shut your mouth and eat your food."

-Am I right?

-"If I catch you, I'll kill you

-and send you to bed."

-"If you get lost, don't come home."

-Maybe all kids hear this.

-When Dad lost his temper,

-he turned purple.

-He'd forget who he was.

-"Do you know who I am?"

-Am I right?

-Then he'd forget who I was.

-"Who do you think you are?"

-"If you fall off the wall and

-break both legs, don't run to me."

-Until I was ten, I thought Dad

-was a ventriloquist.

-He'd shout, "Idris! Come here!"

-"Where were you?"

-Then he'd hit me

-with every syllable.

-Did that happen to you?

-"Where have you been?"

-"With John Glyn, Dad."

-"With John Glyn!"

-"Playing football, Dad."

-"Playing football!"

-Once, I went to Llanfairpwllgwyn-

-gyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-

-llantysiliogogogoch.

-..but I didn't tell him!

-It's my privilege to introduce

-five very pretty young girls.

-The Bala quintet have only

-sung together for two years.

-They've already been successful

-at the Urdd Eisteddfod.

-Please welcome, Synfen.

-Thank you. Nia Wyn Jones wrote this

-song, 'Nid Aur yw Popeth Melyn'.

-When I see young girls

-I remember my courting days.

-I chased anything in a skirt.

-I was nearly killed

-during a weekend in Scotland.

-Kilt, darling, kilt.

-Kilt! A woman in the front asked,

-"What does he mean?"

-When I courted,

-I always wondered what I'd get.

-After Bodffordd school

-I moved to Llangefni.

-We held a draw to decide

-who courted who.

-The boys' names went into one box,

-the girls in another.

-You took them out, no matter what.

-I dated some ugly ones.

-I remember once...

-..Idris Charles...

-..Linda May.

-Seventeen stone. Had we married,

-I'd have had a roof over my head.

-Her father was a builder.

-I was hopeless with girls.

-Girls would go out in threes.

-Two pretty ones and the one I got.

-I couldn't chat up girls.

-Even if I had castanets

-on my y-fronts, I wouldn't click.

-Some comedians joke

-about married life.

-I never joke about my wife.

-She's fantastic.

-I don't mind married life

-but the hours are long.

-Next, we've four

-exceptionally talented musicians.

-They've just returned from promoting

-their new CD in the USA.

-They're now touring Wales.

-Please welcome, Crasdant.

-Thanks for the welcome. Pibddawns

-is a much loved Welsh dance.

-We'll be playing three for you.

-The first is 'Pibddawns Mr Pring'.

-The second, 'Pibddawns Corwen'.

-The final melody hails from the

-Romany Gipsy tradition in Wales...

-..It's called 'Dyn y Geg'.

-

-Thank you.

-This story from 1950 is brilliant.

-Two blokes

-sat in a Llanfair PG pub.

-One said, "Did you see the advert

-in The Daily Post?

-"A new pub has opened in Liverpool.

-"They're offering a pint,

-5 Woodbines...

-..a woman and a pork pie

-for 2 shillings."

-His mate said, "There won't be

-much meat in the pie".

-This young girl comes from Wrexham.

-You might have seen her on TV.

-She's making a name for herself.

-She's shared a stage

-with the Spice Girls.

-Please welcome, Lydia Griffiths.

-Thank you. My next song's

-from the musical, Jekyll and Hyde.

-'Hon Ydi'r Eiliad.'

-When I commentate for Radio Cymru,

-I love going to Caernarfon.

-Caernarfon is full of characters.

-I visited recently.

-The producer was talking to me

-through my headphones.

-"We're coming to you in 30 seconds,"

-the producer said. "OK," I said.

-Dongo walked in.

-Dongo's a character. He spotted me.

-I was at the very top of the stand.

-I wore headphones

-and held a microphone.

-"Idris Charles!

-What are you doing, preaching?

-"Tell Radio Cymru listeners...

-..that Caernarfon are having

-lighters for Christmas...

-..because they've lost

-so many matches."

-He sat next to me at half time.

-"Have you seen

-the bike races on SC4?"

-"Yes, I've seen the bike races

-on SC4." "Why do they do it?"

-"Why do they do what?"

-"The bike races...

-..go up and down hills, up and down

-hills, without water and food.

-"Why do they do it

-for so many weeks?

-"Why?"

-"The winner gets 20,000."

-"I know, but why do the rest do it?"

-Some people say jokes, others are

-comedians. It's not always the same.

-Some can say jokes, others are

-comedians. I know you'll laugh now.

-Because this man is one of your own.

-You laugh just looking at him.

-Please welcome, Robert Douglas Owen.

-How are you?

-Aren't these sheds pleasant?

-Perhaps the older generation

-will remember making a corn stack.

-A master ordered his farm hand

-to make a corn stack.

-He was doing well

-and had nearly finished.

-But the corn stack slipped

-and fell apart.

-It all fell in one huge mess.

-His master appeared

-and he was livid.

-"I thought I told you

-to make an egg shaped corn stack."

-"I wasn't sure whether you meant

-a boiled or fried egg."

-An old lady was a resident

-at an old people's home.

-She was having her 100th birthday.

-The Matron had promised

-she could have anything she wanted.

-Do you know what she wanted? To run

-stark naked through the male ward.

-But Matron had promised. She bolted

-quickly through the male ward.

-Two 80-year-old characters looked

-on. "Who was that?" one asked.

-"I think it was Mary."

-"What was she wearing?"

-"I don't know, but whatever it was,

-it needed ironing!"

-Don't some young people

-wear odd clothes?

-I spotted a ridiculous looking

-girl in Llandudno the other day.

-She was a mess. I remarked to the

-person next to me, "Look at that.

-"What a sight! Is it a girl or boy?"

-"She's a girl

-and she's my daughter."

-"Sorry. I didn't know you were her

-mother." "I'm not, I'm her father."

-Do you children

-get enough food in school?

-A young boy came home from school

-complaining of a bad stomach.

-His mother said, "It's empty. You'll

-be OK after putting something in it"

-His father came home

-with a terrible headache.

-But his father could retaliate.

-The boy said, "Dad, we have PE

-lessons in school.

-"Our teacher tells us not

-to stand on our heads for long...

-..or blood will rush to our heads.

-"Why doesn't it rush to my feet when

-I'm upright?" "They're not empty."

-A bloke lives by me

-in Llanfair Talhaearn.

-He's a strange creature.

-He started out one night and

-realised he'd lost his house keys.

-He was frightened someone could

-open the door while he was out.

-He removed the door

-and took it with him.

-He carried the door through

-the village.

-I asked him, "What if you lost the

-door?" "I've left the window open."

-He wanted to buy crocodile skin

-shoes.

-He tried numerous shops

-to no avail.

-A woman told him, "You'll have to

-go to Africa to catch a crocodile".

-He was so keen,

-he travelled to Africa.

-Local people took him out in a boat.

-He sat with a gun,

-waiting for a crocodile.

-One came, and he shot it between

-its eyes. The crocodile was dead.

-"Just my luck," he said.

-"I've shot one without shoes."

-The poor fellow couldn't find

-a wife. He tried dozens of women.

-He lived with his parents.

-Whenever he took a girl home,

-his mother disapproved.

-His mother disliked

-every single one.

-He asked my advice. I told him,

-"Find one that's like your mother".

-He found one that was identical

-to his mother.

-He took her home.

-His father didn't like her.

-But he found a wife in the end.

-She wasn't a beauty.

-I shouldn't say this but she was

-ugly. There's no-one like her here.

-Their wedding day dawned,

-the service went without a hitch.

-Because he wasn't a chapel member

-he had to pay the minister.

-He turned to the minister,

-"How much do I owe you?"

-The minister said, "How much do you

-think your wife is worth?"

-He looked at his wife and pulled out

-50 pence from his pocket.

-The minister looked at her

-and gave him 40 pence change.

-I'm sure all you married men

-give your wives birthday presents.

-A Llansannan farmer had remembered

-his wife's birthday for 20 years.

-After 21 years, he couldn't think

-what to give her.

-He asked her what she wanted.

-Do you know what she wanted?

-A plot by the cemetery gates.

-He thought it was strange

-but if that's what she wanted...

-..he bought her the plot

-by the cemetery gates.

-But during the following year,

-things soured between them.

-They were together but not on very

-good terms on her next birthday.

-She asked him, "What are you buying

-me for my birthday this time?"

-"Nothing. You haven't used

-what I gave you last year."

-

-Thanks to Meibion Twm o'r Nant.

-I was looking forward to tonight

-but my day's been quite odd.

-This is a new shirt.

-Pretty isn't it?

-I wore it. The button popped off.

-I picked up my briefcase.

-The handle fell off.

-I opened the door.

-The knob came off.

-I haven't been

-to the toilet for hours.

-It's great to entertain you

-in a wonderful theatre like this.

-About three years ago,

-for the first and last time...

-..I was booked

-to perform on a cruise.

-The brochure showed

-the ship on the sea.

-The sea was calm, wasn't it?

-Until you go on the blooming thing.

-I entertained the passengers

-as the ship swayed.

-I was sick, as was the whole ship.

-It was like performing

-to 200 green Martians.

-"I've got to go," I said.

-I went. Do you know

-how they cure seasickness?

-They hide your cabin.

-I couldn't find it.

-As I lay in the corridor...

-..a woman came out of her cabin.

-She was starkers.

-She'd opened the wrong door

-en route to the bathroom.

-She was stuck in the corridor,

-starkers. Then she spotted me!

-"Oh, I'm so embarrassed," she said.

-"Don't worry," I replied. "I won't

-live long enough to tell anybody."

-Characters!

-Owen John was a character.

-He used to get so drunk.

-There's a story about him wrapping

-himself round a Llangefni lamp post.

-"Are you alright, Owen John?"

-my father asked him.

-"Yes, everything's fine.

-OK. No problem."

-"What's the problem?" Dad said. "The

-houses are going round and round."

-"Why don't you go home?" "It's OK.

-My house will come round shortly."

-He wanted to catch a train

-from Bangor to Llangefni.

-It took hours! A train pulled in.

-"Is this the Llangefni train?"

-"Manchester." "Thank you very much.

-I don't want to go there."

-"Excuse me, porter.

-Is this the Llangefni train?"

-"That's the Manchester train."

-"I don't want to go there."

-Two hours passed.

-Finally, a small train pulled in.

-Owen John got on.

-The Llannerchymedd minister

-sat in the carriage.

-Owen John said,

-"Did you see me get on?"

-"Yes." "Do you know who I am?"

-"No." "How do you know I came on?"

-"I'm afraid you're on the way

-to hell." "The wrong train again."

-It's a great pleasure for me

-to introduce tonight's star.

-He's a star

-in the true sense of the word.

-Not only is he an actor and

-presenter, he's a brilliant singer.

-Please welcome, Bryn Fon!

-Thanks for the welcome,

-and to Idris for the kind words.

-Like the hair? Was it Marilyn Monroe

-who said, "Blondes have more fun"?

-She was telling the truth, too!

-Emyr Huws Jones wrote this song.

-It's called, 'Fy Nghalon I'.

-Thank you.

-Nothing beats an open fire.

-There are two fires in the next

-song. One's burning on a hillside.

-The other's the flame of love dying.

-'Tan Ar Fynydd Cennin'.

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN