Pennod 1 Noson Lawen

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-I enjoy reminiscing about

-characters I've met in my time.

-Cardigan has no shortage of them!

-Benji was a Brynaman character.

-If he found work,

-he moved to the next village.

-"How's it going?" I asked him.

-"Not bad," he replied.

-"I've got a job." "Doing what?"

-"I work in a dominoes factory.

-"What d'you do?" I asked him. "I

-paint white dots on the dominoes."

-"What's it like?" "Alright.

-"I get Friday afternoons off."

-"How come?"

-"That's when they do

-the double blanks."

-Our barber had a bad habit

-of spitting on the shaving brush.

-One of the lads told him, "Hey!

-There's nothing hygienic about you."

-"What d'you mean?"

-"Spitting on the brush."

-"You're lucky I know you,

-or I'd spit on your face."

-A friend of mine

-lives in Caernarfon.

-He recently got a job driving buses.

-He's only 5 foot.

-He was given

-the Caernarfon to Llanberis run.

-On his very first day, he drove

-to Llanberis without a problem.

-A huge bloke walked on in Llanberis.

-Everybody else had paid

-and sat down.

-"Big Dafydd doesn't pay, OK?"

-said the huge bloke.

-He sat in the back.

-My friend didn't know what to do.

-He felt he should say something

-but he was bigger than him.

-He drove back to Caernarfon thinking

-everybody was looking at him.

-They probably thought he wasn't

-brave enough to stand up to him.

-It happened every day for weeks.

-He walked on the bus and said,

-"Big Dafydd doesn't pay, OK?"

-He always sat in the back. My friend

-realised something had to be done.

-'Be a man, and stand up to him,'

-he thought. But he was 6 foot.

-My friend learned how to box

-in the town's boxing club.

-He also mastered karate.

-After weeks of weight lifting

-he had massive muscles.

-The day arrived

-when he felt he was ready.

-He decided to stand up to him.

-Big Dafydd walked towards the bus.

-"Big Dafydd doesn't..."

-"Stop right there!"

-The driver stood up. "You've caught

-the bus for weeks without paying.

-"Why shouldn't you pay,

-when everyone else does?"

-Big Dafydd replied,

-"Because I have a bus pass."

-An elderly neighbour of mine

-decided to get married.

-Nothing wrong with that!

-I'm not young.

-He married a young girl.

-A beautiful thing happened.

-They were expecting a baby.

-Wil visited her

-at Aberystwyth hospital.

-She gave birth to twins.

-Wil was in a state! He wanted

-to know who fathered the other one.

-The Pope came to Wales.

-He headed for Cardiff

-from Valley in Anglesey.

-It's quite a trek

-from Anglesey to Cardiff in a day.

-His chauffeur drove him -

-but the Pope was impatient.

-"Go quicker! Put your foot down!"

-"I can't go any faster,"

-replied his driver.

-"Speed cameras are everywhere."

-I smile at them on a daily basis!

-They stopped in Pont Abraham

-for a bite to eat.

-They tucked into beans on toast.

-They drove to Cardiff on the M4.

-The Pope wanted to go faster. He

-shouted until his driver had enough.

-"You drive - I'll go in the back,"

-he said.

-They drove past Sarn Park

-doing 140mph.

-The police stopped them.

-The policeman had his pad

-and biro ready. He had a good look.

-"Well, well, well!" he said.

-He got on the phone.

-"Sergeant, I've stopped a man doing

-140mph." "Book him," he replied.

-"I can't. He's an important man."

-"What d'you mean?" "Very important."

-"More important than me?"

-asked the sergeant.

-"You're no-one.

-He's extremely important."

-"Who on earth is he?" "I don't know,

-but the Pope's his chauffeur."

-I was thinking about law and order.

-A bloke appeared in court

-in front of a Judge.

-The Judge asked him,

-"What do you do?"

-"This and that," he replied.

-"Who d'you work for?" "So and so."

-"Where do you work?"

-"Here and there."

-The Judge said, "Send him down

-to the cells. Lock him up."

-The bloke shouted back, "When can

-I come out?" "Sooner or later."

-I've spotted farmers

-in the choir and the audience.

-I thought there were!

-Isn't there

-a mountain of paperwork nowadays?

-Farmers must follow everything up

-with paperwork.

-As an auctioneer,

-I receive the returned forms.

-They're fun to read!

-Some are very good!

-I was reading one the other day.

-'Number of Animal.'

-'123.'

-'Breed.' 'Charolais.'

-'Sex.' 'No, too busy lambing.'

-Llysfasi College

-is experimenting at the moment.

-They're crossing

-an elephant with a kangaroo.

-Honestly!

-Crossing an elephant and a kangaroo.

-They'll use that animal

-to cross with sheep and cows.

-They want big enough ears

-to hold all the tags...

-..and a pouch for the paperwork

-when you come to the auction.

-# Twm and Nancy Jones sat

-by the fire one evening.

-# He downed two bottles of wine,

-# Whilst she sipped her Ovaltine.

-# He looked over

-and gave her a wink

-# Before taking

-the dishes to the sink.

-# Her heart sank

-# When she heard

-the same old cry again.

-# "Well, Nancy,

-d'you fancy a little how-do-you-do?

-# "You know

-I'd take you to Timbuktu.

-# "I'd even remove my dentures

-to please you.

-# "Nancy, give me a chance!"

-# "I fancy that maybe

-I'm too old for this.

-# "I'm sick of love-making,

-My sexy bloomers are in the bin.

-# "My back hasn't been

-the same since I started jogging,

-# "No, there's no chance for you."

-# "Nancy, d'you fancy

-being primitive for the day?

-# "You can play around

-and let everything hang out.

-# "Give me a kiss,

-Be Jane to my Tarzan!

-# "Nancy, give me a chance."

-# "I don't fancy it - and

-don't accuse me of being sedate.

-# "I'm weak and tired,

-I've passed my sell by date!

-# "For the past fortnight, I need

-an epidural before you come near me!

-# "No - there's no chance for you."

-# "Nancy, d'you fancy

-trying aromatherapy?

-# "I want to sweat

-and create an aroma with you.

-# "I'd spread massage oil

-all over your lower parts.

-# "Nancy, please give me a chance."

-# "I don't fancy it,

-and don't say I'm old-fashioned.

-# "Lotions and potions

-bring me out in a rash.

-# "If you want to rub -

-clean the chip pan!

-# "No, you haven't got a chance!"

-# "Nancy,

-how about turning on the heat?

-# "It would do me the world of good.

-# "My passion is killing me, I'd

-go on forever - like Hogia'r Wyddfa,

-# "Nancy, please give me a chance."

-# "I don't fancy

-messing about with that nonsense,

-# "I'd much rather

-a cuppa and a mini roll,

-# "No holding, no touching,

-Let me listen to Cliff Richard,

-# "No, there's no chance for you."

-# "Oh, Nancy, d'you fancy

-hanky-panky on the mat?

-# "I'll rock and roll

-in Marigold gloves and an apron,

-# "You can watch NOSON LAWEN

-the same time!

-# "Nancy, give me a chance.

-Nancy, give me a chance.

-# "Nancy, give me a chance!" #

-"Oh, go on then!"

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-I'm having trouble with the wife.

-You've no idea.

-I'd had enough!

-I decided to go with a gang of lads

-to Blackpool for the weekend.

-We drank beer

-and chased after girls.

-She looked furious

-when I returned on Sunday night.

-"How would you like it if you didn't

-see me for three days?" she asked.

-Well. I didn't see her

-on Monday or Tuesday.

-But by Wednesday,

-my swollen eye was better.

-I could just make her out

-from the corner of my eye.

-How many of you like hot curries?

-D'you like hot curries

-in Pentrefoelas?

-I find there's a certain problem

-with hot curries.

-It's hot both ends, isn't it?

-Hot going in.

-Remember to put a toilet roll in

-the fridge after you've eaten one.

-I ordered a vindaloo last week.

-When I went to the toilet, my

-backside went down for some water.

-Anyway, in the afternoon...

-..I was walking around Bala.

-At about 1.15pm,

-I felt my stomach churning.

-It was the sort of feeling

-that doesn't give you much notice.

-I reckoned I had about 20 seconds...

-..before I'd be

-the Daily Post headline.

-The nearest place was the public

-lavatories on Bala High Street.

-I dived in. I know from experience

-that the cubicles are very small.

-I was afraid I wouldn't have time

-to remove my trousers...

-..so I pulled them down outside,

-and reversed in.

-I wanted to save time.

-I walked backwards and sat down.

-I can't describe it to you!

-I just made it.

-Just made it.

-I happened to look down.

-I could see four feet.

-There was obviously

-someone there before me!

-I went out as quickly as I could.

-"I'm sorry," I said.

-"I couldn't help it."

-"I'm sorry - I didn't mean it."

-"Don't worry," replied the man.

-"I saw you backing towards me.

-"I was quick enough to pull up

-your trousers before you sat."

-Pensioners can enter museums

-and exhibitions for free nowadays.

-A certain old lady

-took advantage of this.

-She visited every exhibition

-because it was free.

-There was a Modern Art exhibition

-at Carmarthen.

-She went to see

-the various pictures.

-She saw one framed picture

-with nothing inside.

-Nothing!

-The artist himself sat nearby.

-"Excuse me," she asked him.

-"What's this picture of?"

-"A cow in a field."

-"Oh," she replied.

-"Where's the grass?"

-"The cow ate the grass."

-"Where's the cow?"

-"Cows don't hang around

-after they've eaten the grass!"

-We all have days

-when everything goes wrong.

-A man sat by the bar,

-staring at his glass.

-He'd been there for half an hour.

-He was depressed.

-Suddenly, a fellow with a pierced

-nose, ear and tongue appeared.

-He grabbed his glass,

-and drank it down in one.

-"What are you going

-to do about that?" he asked.

-"Not a lot," replied the bloke.

-"I'm having a bad day.

-"I got into work late today.

-"I lost my job.

-It's been one of those days.

-"Someone stole my car.

-"Such an unlucky day.

-"I walked home because

-I didn't have any money. What a day!

-"I arrived home to find

-my wife in bed with another man.

-"I sat there all afternoon

-before deciding to come here.

-"I called at the chemist

-to buy the poison, strychnine.

-"I poured it into my whisky.

-"I'd considered topping myself.

-"But it's been an unlucky day

-because you've drunk it all!"

-Three friends of mine

-are characters!

-They go out every Saturday

-to a grand hotel.

-As it happens, a while back,

-a large raffle was being drawn.

-The lads bought

-a ticket each to help the cause.

-They won a prize each.

-The first won a crate of champagne.

-The second won a joint of meat.

-The third wasn't so lucky.

-He won a toilet brush.

-They met the following Saturday

-to compare notes.

-"My prize is wonderful,"

-said the first.

-"I've had champagne every night

-with supper. Wonderful."

-"My meat is delicious,"

-said the second.

-"We had a roast on Sunday, and

-ate cold slices of meat all week.

-"What about the toilet brush?"

-he asked the third.

-"Not too good. I think we'll go

-back to using paper next week."

-# When I was a year or so younger,

-# When I was a naive,

-rosy-cheeked lad,

-# I went to school,

-like every good boy,

-# Through rain or fog,

-in summer and winter.

-# In school I had History lessons,

-# Geography lessons,

-# English lessons all the time.

-# The odd lesson was in Welsh -

-fair play,

-# Because I was a young Welsh lad.

-# Mam called out

-every morning at 7.00am.

-# She shouted in Welsh, "Get up

-and have a slice of bacon!"

-# After waking and having my food

-# My parents bid farewell

-to me in Welsh.

-# But in school

-I had History lessons,

-# Geography lessons,

-# English lessons all the time.

-# The odd lesson was in Welsh -

-fair play,

-# Because I was a young Welsh lad.

-# At night,

-I'd go for a walk in the woods,

-# That's where I courted

-for the first time.

-# Under the bushes,

-I gave her my heart,

-# And I whispered 'I love you'

-to her in Welsh.

-# But in school

-I had History lessons,

-# Geography lessons,

-# English lessons all the time.

-# The odd lesson was in Welsh -

-fair play,

-# Because I was a young Welsh lad.

-# On Sunday, it was

-my privilege to go to chapel,

-# I read William Morgan's Bible.

-# Jesus spoke Welsh for all I knew,

-# And Welsh was certainly

-the language of all prayers.

-# But in school

-I had History lessons,

-# Geography lessons,

-# English lessons all the time.

-# The odd lesson, the odd lesson,

-# The odd lesson, the odd lesson,

-# Was in Welsh - fair play!

-# Because I was

-a young lad from Wales. #

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