Pennod 3 Noson Lawen

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-A farmer moved from overseas

-to the Llanilar area.

-Every two years,

-a fire broke out in his barn.

-It was unbelievable.

-It happened like clockwork.

-An insurance man paid him a visit.

-"Something must be done

-about these coincidences.

-"Head office is after me.

-They won't let it go.

-"We'll have to increase the premium.

-"We must also rename

-the cause of the fire.

-"We can't insure a fire forever.

-"We must rename it."

-"What d'you suggest?" asked

-the farmer. "Let's call it a storm."

-"Good grief!

-How d'you start a storm?"

-A former army major's wife

-lived in an old people's home.

-She wanted her own way.

-She approached the matron one day.

-Care home staff are very helpful.

-"Matron," she said.

-"I've had enough of this place.

-"I'm bored."

-"Strip off and stand in the window,"

-replied the matron.

-"You'll have

-an unforgettable afternoon."

-She stripped off,

-and put on her dressing gown.

-She flashed an old gentleman

-who sat reading the paper.

-"Act your age, woman!" he said.

-"Go away!"

-She flashed another gentleman

-as he was doing the crossword.

-"Well, well! I've never seen such

-a sight! Go away, awful woman!"

-She approached Ianto,

-who was rather simple.

-Ianto was playing draughts

-on his own.

-She flashed Ianto -

-but Ianto's sight was failing.

-She flashed him again.

-"No. I'll take the soup,"

-he replied.

-Oh, dear!

-I forgot my wife's birthday once -

-never again!

-You should have seen her face!

-Like a bag of maggots!

-She prepares her own yoghurt.

-She places a glass of milk on

-the mantelpiece, and stares at it.

-That was her expression

-when I came home late one night.

-"Where have you been?

-The supper's ruined.

-"I cooked a lovely chicken pie -

-the dog's had it."

-"Don't worry," I replied.

-"I'll buy you a new dog tomorrow."

-Our married life

-isn't what it should be.

-I bought her a see-through nightie

-for her birthday.

-She only wears it in the dark.

-At least the cat sees the benefit.

-Fair play, Mary realised there was

-something missing in our marriage.

-She went to the doctor.

-"The last time you made love, how

-did Gareth look?" asked the doctor.

-"Angry," replied Mary.

-"He looked furious."

-"OK," said the doctor. "How did

-you notice that he looked furious?"

-"Well, he was looking in

-through the window."

-I heard someone comment

-that I'd lost weight.

-I'm wearing a girdle.

-Tupperware.

-It doesn't keep my belly in,

-but it keeps what I have fresh.

-Some men are frightened of girls.

-It's not that they don't like them,

-they're scared of them.

-A forty-year old bachelor lives

-two doors away from me in Bala.

-He's terrified of women.

-He fancies Myfanwy,

-who lives nearby.

-Every time he sees her,

-he becomes paralysed.

-He can't get a word out.

-"I fancy her like mad," he told me.

-"Every time I see her,

-I can't utter a word."

-"It's easy," I replied.

-"Tomorrow, when she goes

-to the privvy in the garden..."

-We're still primitive in Bala!

-"When you hear the toilet flushing,

-run out to the garden.

-"Tell her, 'Good morning, Myfanwy.'

-"Say, 'Good morning, Myfanwy. The

-flowers in your garden are lovely.

-"'But they're not half

-as lovely as you'."

-"I can't say that!" "Try it."

-The following morning, he spotted

-her walking to the toilet.

-He heard the toilet flushing.

-But he worried how to follow up

-the conversation.

-He had the opening gambit.

-What happens next?

-"Don't worry, the conversation

-will follow naturally," I said.

-He'd been practising

-all night in bed!

-"Good morning...

-"..Myfanwy." "Good morning, Thomas.

-How are you?" she replied.

-"Oh!

-"The flowers in your garden

-are lovely, Myfanwy.

-"But they're not half

-as lovely as you."

-"Thank you, Thomas."

-"Did you poo or pee, Myfanwy?"

-# We're two hat-wearing undertakers,

-# We're the ones you phone

-when the situation is 'Amen.'

-# If you should die,

-we'll bury you with dignity.

-# We'll dress you in a white gown

-and stick you in a coffin.

-# Driving a big, black hearse

-is much better than a GTI.

-# Two in the front, one in the back

-- you can't beat that.

-# We were copped speeding,

-just outside Llannerchymedd.

-# We told the police

-we had to dash to fill a grave.

-# We'll come to bury you

-in ties and black coats,

-# Whether it's a big funeral,

-or a small gathering in the house.

-# We have a special offer -

-burying two for the price of one.

-# We'll put two coffins in the hole

-with the woman on top of the man.

-# If you want to be cremated,

-then don't look any further.

-# Believe us when we say

-the Crem in Colwyn Bay is very hot.

-# We'll burn anyone -

-from a tramp to the Queen,

-# We use kindling

-and a pot of paraffin.

-# One day we were summoned

-to bury good old Wil Jones,

-# He died in bed next to his wife,

-without his vest or pants.

-# A smile spread across William's

-face as he said his last farewell,

-# We couldn't close the coffin lid

-for quite a while!

-# One day it'll be someone's task

-to bury us,

-# Even undertakers die, believe us.

-# After all the funerals,

-# We don't want a fuss.

-# Don't bother with a hearse -

-we'll be OK in a double decker bus.

-# We're two undertakers,

-always in our hats,

-# We're the ones you phone

-when the situation is 'Amen.'

-# If you should die,

-we'll bury you with dignity.

-# A-ha-ha!

-# A-ha-ha!

-# We'll dress you in a white gown

-and stick you in a coffin. #

-888

-Any firemen present?

-Did you hear about the great fire

-at a Manchester lemonade factory?

-Firemen arrived

-to put out the flames.

-The fire just got worse.

-There were fire engines everywhere.

-The boss arrived.

-He used his intercom to summon

-firemen from all over the country.

-"The lemonade factory is on fire,"

-he said.

-The recipe for the lemonade

-was in the factory safe.

-The secret recipe was kept

-in the factory safe.

-The boss was frightened

-it would go up in flames.

-"The crew that retrieves the recipe

-will get 50,000," he said.

-A moment later,

-the Cerrigydrudion crew appeared.

-Their fire engine screeched

-around the corner on two wheels.

-In their speed,

-they ended up inside the factory.

-Right inside!

-They came out coughing -

-but holding the safe.

-The boss said, "That was amazing.

-Cerrigydrudion finally succeed.

-"They've saved

-the entire contents of the safe.

-"Here's the 50,000 I promised you.

-How will you spend it?"

-Coughing, a fireman replied,

-"Put brakes on the blinking engine."

-My friend Arnold, from Aberystwyth,

-is a character.

-The police stopped him as he was

-driving home a fortnight ago.

-A bobby put his head

-through the window.

-"We've been drinking, sir,"

-he told Arnold.

-"Have we? I didn't see you buying

-a round," replied Arnold.

-The bobby wasn't too happy.

-He started to get personal.

-"Tell me. Where were you

-between 5 and 7?" he asked Arnold.

-"Infant School. Where were you?"

-Arnold is an intelligent man.

-"You know Granddad..." he said.

-"Granddad knew the exact day

-he was going to die.

-"The place, hour, minute

-and second of his death."

-"Good grief," I said.

-"How did he know all that?"

-"An Old Bailey judge told him."

-He was a sharp schoolboy.

-Children like to brag, don't they?

-A boy asked Arnold, "Have you heard

-about the Mediterranean Sea?"

-"Yes."

-"My father dug the first hole."

-"Heard about the Red Sea?" another

-lad asked. "Yes," replied Arnold.

-"My father painted it."

-Arnold asked them, "Heard about

-the Dead Sea? My father killed it."

-He only lasted a fortnight

-in his first job.

-He asked for a day off to attend

-his father-in-law's funeral.

-The following day,

-his boss wanted to see him.

-"What time was your father-in-law's

-funeral?" "2.30pm," said Arnold.

-"D'you believe in the Resurrection?"

-he asked Arnold. "Yes."

-"Why d'you ask?" "Your father-in-law

-was here at 4.30pm looking for you."

-Arnold walked into a pub one night.

-A rather posh bloke walked in.

-The barman asked him,

-"Can I get you something to drink?"

-"No. I don't drink.

-"I tried it once.

-"I didn't like it,

-and I never drank again."

-Five minutes later, the barman

-offered him a cigarette. "No.

-"I don't smoke. I tried it once.

-"I didn't like it

-and never smoked again.

-"The only reason I'm here

-is to meet my son."

-Arnold said, "Don't tell me -

-is he an only child?!"

-As a farmer,

-I was thinking how lucky Noah was.

-He built the Ark

-thousands of years ago.

-Just imagine if he'd have

-to do it today!

-Think of the hassle he'd get

-from the Ministry of Agriculture.

-Just think about it!

-Oh! Imagine the permits he'd need!

-Picture the loading day.

-I can see a bloke from the Ministry

-inspecting the farmyard.

-"Mr Noah!" "Yes."

-"Where are the giraffe's tags?

-"You need to put two tags on it."

-"His ears are too high

-for me to reach."

-"You're not moving unless

-you put a tag on each ear.

-"Include the herd number

-and his number."

-"I've only got two." "I don't care.

-I want to know whether it's 1 or 2."

-Imagine the hassle.

-He'd tour the farm and say,

-"There's an elephant here!

-"You can't move him for 21 days."

-"But I must move her,

-because of the flood!"

-"I don't care -

-this elephant isn't moving!"

-And then he'd ask, "How long will

-they be in the Ark?"

-"It depends how long

-the floods last."

-"After eight hours,

-bring them out for water."

-Farmers are surrounded by paperwork.

-I hired an accountant last year.

-He's very good.

-His name is Mr Loophole.

-There's a recovery room

-next to his office.

-A nurse, oxygen - the whole lot.

-You get the kiss-of-life

-if you pass out.

-He told me the other day,

-"Mr Jones."

-That's what he calls me,

-because I'm paying him.

-"Your ship's come in," he told me.

-"Oh, good!" I said.

-"Not particularly -

-it's called The Titanic."

-A tax inspector phoned

-a farmer friend of mine.

-"Hello, Mr Jones. How are you?"

-He was a bachelor,

-who lived on his own.

-"Oh, hello! How are you?"

-"It's the income tax here.

-"I have your file in front of me."

-They always say that.

-That stops you telling porkies!

-Everything's in front of them.

-"I notice a difference this year.

-I know you're a bachelor.

-"You're claiming a rebate,

-and say you have a son.

-"I'm sure your secretary

-made a mistake."

-"Quite right," replied the farmer.

-"My son is a mistake

-I made with the secretary."

-# I love making you happy,

-# I'm so happy

-you're greedy for my company,

-# Every night and day.

-# I love making you laugh,

-# I'm so happy

-there's no end to my joy

-# My new-found happiness.

-# You're like rain

-falling in a desert,

-# You held me,

-and pulled me from the floor.

-# Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

-# I hope the cold weather

-doesn't come,

-# To steal our happiness,

-# Trying to kill the song.

-# Trying to kill the song.

-# I love seeing the stars

-in your eyes.

-# I love feeling

-the life in your soul.

-# Our hearts are like a forest fire.

-# I love seeing you succeed,

-# I love seeing an end to your pain.

-# You're flying high

-on the wings of the wind.

-# You're like rain

-falling in a desert,

-# You held me,

-and pulled me from the floor.

-# Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Papillon.

-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon! #

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