Pennod 3 Noson Lawen


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Pennod 3

Digon o hwyl a chwerthin yng nghwmni Dai Jones, Gareth Owen, Dilwyn Morgan, Dilwyn Pierce, Glan Davies, Ifan Gruffydd ac Elin Fflur. Music and comedy with Dai Jones and Co.


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-A farmer moved from overseas

-to the Llanilar area.

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-Every two years,

-a fire broke out in his barn.

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-It was unbelievable.

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-It happened like clockwork.

-An insurance man paid him a visit.

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-"Something must be done

-about these coincidences.

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-"Head office is after me.

-They won't let it go.

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-"We'll have to increase the premium.

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-"We must also rename

-the cause of the fire.

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-"We can't insure a fire forever.

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-"We must rename it."

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-"What d'you suggest?" asked

-the farmer. "Let's call it a storm."

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-"Good grief!

-How d'you start a storm?"

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-A former army major's wife

-lived in an old people's home.

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-She wanted her own way.

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-She approached the matron one day.

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-Care home staff are very helpful.

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-"Matron," she said.

-"I've had enough of this place.

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-"I'm bored."

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-"Strip off and stand in the window,"

-replied the matron.

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-"You'll have

-an unforgettable afternoon."

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-She stripped off,

-and put on her dressing gown.

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-She flashed an old gentleman

-who sat reading the paper.

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-"Act your age, woman!" he said.

-"Go away!"

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-She flashed another gentleman

-as he was doing the crossword.

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-"Well, well! I've never seen such

-a sight! Go away, awful woman!"

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-She approached Ianto,

-who was rather simple.

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-Ianto was playing draughts

-on his own.

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-She flashed Ianto -

-but Ianto's sight was failing.

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-She flashed him again.

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-"No. I'll take the soup,"

-he replied.

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-Oh, dear!

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-I forgot my wife's birthday once -

-never again!

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-You should have seen her face!

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-Like a bag of maggots!

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-She prepares her own yoghurt.

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-She places a glass of milk on

-the mantelpiece, and stares at it.

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-That was her expression

-when I came home late one night.

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-"Where have you been?

-The supper's ruined.

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-"I cooked a lovely chicken pie -

-the dog's had it."

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-"Don't worry," I replied.

-"I'll buy you a new dog tomorrow."

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-Our married life

-isn't what it should be.

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-I bought her a see-through nightie

-for her birthday.

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-She only wears it in the dark.

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-At least the cat sees the benefit.

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-Fair play, Mary realised there was

-something missing in our marriage.

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-She went to the doctor.

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-"The last time you made love, how

-did Gareth look?" asked the doctor.

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-"Angry," replied Mary.

-"He looked furious."

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-"OK," said the doctor. "How did

-you notice that he looked furious?"

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-"Well, he was looking in

-through the window."

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-I heard someone comment

-that I'd lost weight.

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-I'm wearing a girdle.

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-Tupperware.

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-It doesn't keep my belly in,

-but it keeps what I have fresh.

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-Some men are frightened of girls.

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-It's not that they don't like them,

-they're scared of them.

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-A forty-year old bachelor lives

-two doors away from me in Bala.

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-He's terrified of women.

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-He fancies Myfanwy,

-who lives nearby.

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-Every time he sees her,

-he becomes paralysed.

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-He can't get a word out.

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-"I fancy her like mad," he told me.

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-"Every time I see her,

-I can't utter a word."

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-"It's easy," I replied.

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-"Tomorrow, when she goes

-to the privvy in the garden..."

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-We're still primitive in Bala!

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-"When you hear the toilet flushing,

-run out to the garden.

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-"Tell her, 'Good morning, Myfanwy.'

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-"Say, 'Good morning, Myfanwy. The

-flowers in your garden are lovely.

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-"'But they're not half

-as lovely as you'."

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-"I can't say that!" "Try it."

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-The following morning, he spotted

-her walking to the toilet.

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-He heard the toilet flushing.

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-But he worried how to follow up

-the conversation.

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-He had the opening gambit.

-What happens next?

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-"Don't worry, the conversation

-will follow naturally," I said.

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-He'd been practising

-all night in bed!

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-"Good morning...

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-"..Myfanwy." "Good morning, Thomas.

-How are you?" she replied.

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-"Oh!

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-"The flowers in your garden

-are lovely, Myfanwy.

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-"But they're not half

-as lovely as you."

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-"Thank you, Thomas."

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-"Did you poo or pee, Myfanwy?"

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-# We're two hat-wearing undertakers,

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-# We're the ones you phone

-when the situation is 'Amen.'

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-# If you should die,

-we'll bury you with dignity.

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-# We'll dress you in a white gown

-and stick you in a coffin.

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-# Driving a big, black hearse

-is much better than a GTI.

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-# Two in the front, one in the back

-- you can't beat that.

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-# We were copped speeding,

-just outside Llannerchymedd.

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-# We told the police

-we had to dash to fill a grave.

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-# We'll come to bury you

-in ties and black coats,

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-# Whether it's a big funeral,

-or a small gathering in the house.

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-# We have a special offer -

-burying two for the price of one.

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-# We'll put two coffins in the hole

-with the woman on top of the man.

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-# If you want to be cremated,

-then don't look any further.

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-# Believe us when we say

-the Crem in Colwyn Bay is very hot.

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-# We'll burn anyone -

-from a tramp to the Queen,

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-# We use kindling

-and a pot of paraffin.

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-# One day we were summoned

-to bury good old Wil Jones,

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-# He died in bed next to his wife,

-without his vest or pants.

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-# A smile spread across William's

-face as he said his last farewell,

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-# We couldn't close the coffin lid

-for quite a while!

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-# One day it'll be someone's task

-to bury us,

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-# Even undertakers die, believe us.

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-# After all the funerals,

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-# We don't want a fuss.

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-# Don't bother with a hearse -

-we'll be OK in a double decker bus.

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-# We're two undertakers,

-always in our hats,

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-# We're the ones you phone

-when the situation is 'Amen.'

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-# If you should die,

-we'll bury you with dignity.

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-# A-ha-ha!

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-# A-ha-ha!

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-# We'll dress you in a white gown

-and stick you in a coffin. #

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-888

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-Any firemen present?

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-Did you hear about the great fire

-at a Manchester lemonade factory?

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-Firemen arrived

-to put out the flames.

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-The fire just got worse.

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-There were fire engines everywhere.

-The boss arrived.

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-He used his intercom to summon

-firemen from all over the country.

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-"The lemonade factory is on fire,"

-he said.

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-The recipe for the lemonade

-was in the factory safe.

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-The secret recipe was kept

-in the factory safe.

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-The boss was frightened

-it would go up in flames.

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-"The crew that retrieves the recipe

-will get 50,000," he said.

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-A moment later,

-the Cerrigydrudion crew appeared.

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-Their fire engine screeched

-around the corner on two wheels.

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-In their speed,

-they ended up inside the factory.

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-Right inside!

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-They came out coughing -

-but holding the safe.

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-The boss said, "That was amazing.

-Cerrigydrudion finally succeed.

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-"They've saved

-the entire contents of the safe.

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-"Here's the 50,000 I promised you.

-How will you spend it?"

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-Coughing, a fireman replied,

-"Put brakes on the blinking engine."

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-My friend Arnold, from Aberystwyth,

-is a character.

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-The police stopped him as he was

-driving home a fortnight ago.

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-A bobby put his head

-through the window.

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-"We've been drinking, sir,"

-he told Arnold.

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-"Have we? I didn't see you buying

-a round," replied Arnold.

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-The bobby wasn't too happy.

-He started to get personal.

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-"Tell me. Where were you

-between 5 and 7?" he asked Arnold.

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-"Infant School. Where were you?"

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-Arnold is an intelligent man.

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-"You know Granddad..." he said.

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-"Granddad knew the exact day

-he was going to die.

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-"The place, hour, minute

-and second of his death."

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-"Good grief," I said.

-"How did he know all that?"

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-"An Old Bailey judge told him."

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-He was a sharp schoolboy.

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-Children like to brag, don't they?

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-A boy asked Arnold, "Have you heard

-about the Mediterranean Sea?"

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-"Yes."

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-"My father dug the first hole."

0:14:270:14:29

-"Heard about the Red Sea?" another

-lad asked. "Yes," replied Arnold.

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-"My father painted it."

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-Arnold asked them, "Heard about

-the Dead Sea? My father killed it."

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-He only lasted a fortnight

-in his first job.

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-He asked for a day off to attend

-his father-in-law's funeral.

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-The following day,

-his boss wanted to see him.

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-"What time was your father-in-law's

-funeral?" "2.30pm," said Arnold.

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-"D'you believe in the Resurrection?"

-he asked Arnold. "Yes."

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-"Why d'you ask?" "Your father-in-law

-was here at 4.30pm looking for you."

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-Arnold walked into a pub one night.

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-A rather posh bloke walked in.

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-The barman asked him,

-"Can I get you something to drink?"

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-"No. I don't drink.

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-"I tried it once.

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-"I didn't like it,

-and I never drank again."

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-Five minutes later, the barman

-offered him a cigarette. "No.

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-"I don't smoke. I tried it once.

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-"I didn't like it

-and never smoked again.

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-"The only reason I'm here

-is to meet my son."

0:15:540:15:59

-Arnold said, "Don't tell me -

-is he an only child?!"

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-As a farmer,

-I was thinking how lucky Noah was.

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-He built the Ark

-thousands of years ago.

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-Just imagine if he'd have

-to do it today!

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-Think of the hassle he'd get

-from the Ministry of Agriculture.

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-Just think about it!

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-Oh! Imagine the permits he'd need!

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-Picture the loading day.

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-I can see a bloke from the Ministry

-inspecting the farmyard.

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-"Mr Noah!" "Yes."

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-"Where are the giraffe's tags?

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-"You need to put two tags on it."

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-"His ears are too high

-for me to reach."

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-"You're not moving unless

-you put a tag on each ear.

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-"Include the herd number

-and his number."

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-"I've only got two." "I don't care.

-I want to know whether it's 1 or 2."

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-Imagine the hassle.

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-He'd tour the farm and say,

-"There's an elephant here!

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-"You can't move him for 21 days."

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-"But I must move her,

-because of the flood!"

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-"I don't care -

-this elephant isn't moving!"

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-And then he'd ask, "How long will

-they be in the Ark?"

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-"It depends how long

-the floods last."

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-"After eight hours,

-bring them out for water."

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-Farmers are surrounded by paperwork.

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-I hired an accountant last year.

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-He's very good.

-His name is Mr Loophole.

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-There's a recovery room

-next to his office.

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-A nurse, oxygen - the whole lot.

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-You get the kiss-of-life

-if you pass out.

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-He told me the other day,

-"Mr Jones."

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-That's what he calls me,

-because I'm paying him.

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-"Your ship's come in," he told me.

-"Oh, good!" I said.

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-"Not particularly -

-it's called The Titanic."

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-A tax inspector phoned

-a farmer friend of mine.

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-"Hello, Mr Jones. How are you?"

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-He was a bachelor,

-who lived on his own.

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-"Oh, hello! How are you?"

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-"It's the income tax here.

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-"I have your file in front of me."

-They always say that.

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-That stops you telling porkies!

-Everything's in front of them.

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-"I notice a difference this year.

-I know you're a bachelor.

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-"You're claiming a rebate,

-and say you have a son.

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-"I'm sure your secretary

-made a mistake."

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-"Quite right," replied the farmer.

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-"My son is a mistake

-I made with the secretary."

0:19:370:19:41

-# I love making you happy,

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-# I'm so happy

-you're greedy for my company,

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-# Every night and day.

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-# I love making you laugh,

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-# I'm so happy

-there's no end to my joy

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-# My new-found happiness.

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-# You're like rain

-falling in a desert,

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-# You held me,

-and pulled me from the floor.

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-# Papillon.

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-# Papillon.

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-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

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-# Papillon.

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-# Papillon.

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-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

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-# I hope the cold weather

-doesn't come,

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-# To steal our happiness,

0:21:490:21:52

-# Trying to kill the song.

0:21:530:21:55

-# Trying to kill the song.

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-# I love seeing the stars

-in your eyes.

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-# I love feeling

-the life in your soul.

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-# Our hearts are like a forest fire.

0:22:110:22:15

-# I love seeing you succeed,

0:22:200:22:22

-# I love seeing an end to your pain.

0:22:230:22:27

-# You're flying high

-on the wings of the wind.

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-# You're like rain

-falling in a desert,

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-# You held me,

-and pulled me from the floor.

0:22:440:22:48

-# Papillon.

0:22:500:22:52

-# Papillon.

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-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon.

0:23:000:23:04

-# Papillon.

0:23:070:23:09

-# Papillon.

0:23:100:23:13

-# Venturing in faith, flying

-like a bird released, Papillon! #

0:23:160:23:20

-S4C Subtitles by

-GWEAD

0:23:320:23:34
0:23:350:23:36

Digon o hwyl a chwerthin yng nghwmni Dai Jones, Gareth Owen, Dilwyn Morgan, Dilwyn Pierce, Glan Davies, Ifan Gruffydd ac Elin Fflur. Music and comedy with Dai Jones and Co.