Pennod 1 Noson Lawen

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-Are there any farmers here?

-Any farmers?

-They're a rare breed!

-Times have changed for us farmers.

-It's nice to come somewhere

-like this for a change...

-..instead of filling in forms.

-A certain farmer

-was obsessed with horse racing.

-Everyone keeps horses where I live.

-Horses and computers.

-He loved horse racing.

-He went to Ascot one day.

-He took his horsebox and horse.

-He entered his horse

-in a race at Ascot.

-Everyone laughed at him.

-They couldn't believe their eyes.

-The horse wasn't groomed.

-He needed a jockey.

-All the jockeys ran for their lives.

-But he finally found

-a jockey who no-one wanted.

-He got on the horse's back.

-"Is there something I should know

-about the horse?" asked the jockey.

-"Any particular instructions?"

-Dai replied...

-"..Hold on tight...

-"..and let him go."

-The race started. He shot off!

-He passed the other horses...

-..as if he was running

-through a cemetery.

-He was so fast, by the time

-the second horse came in...

-..Dai's horse

-was in the horsebox eating hay.

-Everyone was shocked. He was 1000-1!

-Dai put 1000 on him.

-He was almost a millionaire!

-People surrounded the horse.

-A posh bloke said to Dai, "You've

-got a fantastic horse. Amazing!

-"I've never seen such a display!

-How old is he?"

-Dai replied, "He's ten."

-"Ten years old?!" said the bloke.

-"Why didn't you race him

-before now?"

-"Well, I couldn't," said Dai.

-"Why's that?"

-"I had to catch him first."

-A bloke went to the doctor's.

-"D'you have anything for hiccups?"

-he asked.

-The doctor said, "Oh, yes."

-Trying to be clever, he said,

-"I've got something in this drawer."

-"Boo!" said the doctor.

-"The hiccups have gone!" "My wife

-has the hiccups, you fool," he said.

-Did you see the story on the news

-and in the papers recently...

-..about the 65-year-old woman

-who had a baby?

-They can do that,

-thanks to science, nowadays.

-I'm not saying 65 is old...

-..but having a baby at 65,

-there are problems, I'm sure.

-She came home from hospital

-after giving birth.

-Relatives came

-to visit her and the baby.

-She was sitting in the lounge,

-in her nightie watching Countdown.

-Her relatives asked her,

-"How are you after having the baby?"

-"Fine," she replied.

-"Have you got over it?"

-"Yes," she replied.

-"Can we see the baby?"

-"Yes, when he starts to cry."

-"Can't we see him any sooner?"

-"No," she replied. "Why not?"

-"I've forgotten where I put him."

-There are problems, aren't there?

-Look at all the children here.

-I was in the garden the other day...

-..and I heard

-someone crying next door.

-PRETENDS TO SOB

-I looked over the wall and saw

-the boy digging a big hole.

-"What's the matter, son?" I asked.

-"My bunny has died!" said the boy.

-Say "Oh!"

-Say "Oh!"

-

-Oh!

-"Your rabbit is dead so

-you're burying it, are you?" "Yes."

-But the hole was huge, so I asked,

-"Why is the hole so big?"

-He replied, "It's inside the dog."

-# An old landlady

-had the time of her life

-# Keeping two pigs in her stall

-# One had a tail on his backside

-# The other sat in the corner,

-without one!

-# Oh, good beer!

-# The best singing!

-# Frolicking and drinking

-night and day

-# Oh, good beer!

-# In Holywell, the beer was tasty

-# A bit of new and mature brew

-# He happily drank

-'til he could drink no more

-# Until his head spun like a wheel!

-# Oh, good beer!

-# The best singing!

-# Frolicking and drinking

-night and day

-# Oh, good beer! #

-Hello, folks!

-Ah, ah!

-Ah, goodness me.

-How are ya, lads?

-It's nice to be back in Caernarfon.

-You all look very smart

-in your new Christmas clothes.

-I might ask one or two

-of you for a date.

-You ladies

-don't look too bad either!

-You know what I got from Mam

-for Christmas? A leather jacket.

-Nice smell!

-The jacket, not Mam.

-Fresh leather!

-It's so fresh, there are

-dung marks under the arms.

-When there are flies about...

-..I can't stop waving

-my arms, like a tail.

-There are sexy women

-in Cor Rhuthun.

-Bring them with you next time!

-Pulling your leg.

-I wouldn't mind pulling

-the legs of a few of you tonight!

-I used to date

-a girl from Cor Rhuthun.

-She used to sing scales

-every time we made love.

-"Do you mind if I sing?" she asked.

-"Sol-fa, so good!" I replied.

-Listen now,

-I know I make fun of women.

-But this last year, I decided

-I was going to find a partner.

-I wasn't too sure where to go, so I

-started going to the swimming pool.

-I joined an aqua aerobics class.

-I almost bloody drowned.

-I couldn't get my mat to lie down

-flat on the bottom of the pool.

-If there are any men here

-who haven't had any...

-You haven't been...

-for a few weeks or months.

-A couple of you have that look!

-One or two of you here look

-as if your glasses would steam up...

-..if you saw a paint stripper.

-If you haven't been thingamijigging,

-I've got the answer.

-I found it on the internet.

-Go Go Pheromone.

-It's Swedish aftershave,

-with pheromone in it.

-It comes from reindeer glands.

-Women go mad when they smell it.

-I saw it on the internet.

-"Guaranteed to get

-you some action in three hours."

-I bought some and put it on.

-I didn't believe what they said!

-I went out and within two hours...

-..I was on Denbigh Moors...

-..in the back of the Mitsubishi

-open-top pickup Truck...

-..having a threesome...

-..with two reindeer.

-That night, after going to Denbigh

-Moors, I went to the pub in Llan.

-That's when I saw her.

-Sandra, a single mother.

-In good shape.

-She's had one of those boob jobs.

-She used to be 36B.

-She's 38FF now.

-It's like making love

-to a bouncy castle.

-She can pour a pint without

-touching the glasses with her hands.

-I took her out a lot.

-We went to the cinema.

-She'd had Botox in her lips too.

-Her mouth was like a sink plunger.

-When she kissed me,

-I felt I was unblocking.

-I could feel my toes draining.

-They had to get

-a tow rope to separate us.

-We kissed so much

-in the back seat of the cinema...

-..when everyone else had ice cream,

-I had a tonsillectomy.

-As I said, she was

-a single mother from Manchester.

-She had a little boy.

-When I moved in with her, I tried

-my best to be a father to him.

-I changed his nappy and fed him.

-He didn't want to know!

-Well, he is thirteen.

-You know what the rascal did?

-He put wacky baccy in a Welsh cake.

-I was ill!

-Everything slowed down,

-like in slow motion.

-Things were moving so slowly...

-..I thought I was

-watching Pobol y Cwm.

-I phoned 999 for an ambulance.

-When the paramedics arrived, I said

-it felt like 2 hours since I phoned.

-The bloke said, "That isn't the

-wacky baccy, it has been 2 hours."

-I got fed up of that Sandra

-after a couple of weeks.

-You know when a chink appears,

-all sorts of doubts creep in.

-The only thing against her

-was the size of her rear.

-She had tattoos all over,

-apart from her bottom.

-That was big enough

-for the Edinburgh Military Tattoo.

-She was a bit hairy too.

-She didn't wax.

-She got the Community Service lads

-in every two months with strimmers.

-When my folks found out

-I'd moved in with a single mother...

-..Mam was very ashamed.

-"What will people say in chapel?"

-she said.

-"Not a lot!" I replied.

-"Not many go there."

-They banned me

-from the house for ages.

-In the end, after pleading

-on bended knee, they let me return.

-As a token of my gratitude...

-..I decided to put a bit

-of Go Go Pheromone in their tea...

-..on Boxing Day.

-At midnight, Mam was upstairs

-looking for her fishnet stockings...

-..and the old man was on the sofa

-snogging my leather jacket.

-Thank you. Ta-ra!

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-Thank you!

-Some of you probably know

-that for most of my life...

-..I was a confirmed bachelor.

-But one Friday night, I was struck

-by a thunderbolt. That was it!

-I was a married man. And fair play,

-I'm enjoying married life.

-People who've lived alone for a

-long time can find it hard to adapt.

-You get used to doing things

-your own way.

-Years ago,

-people were engaged for 40 years!

-I'm sure you remember

-couples in your area.

-A couple lived

-in the north of Anglesey.

-After three years of married life...

-..heaven on earth

-became a living hell.

-They kept shouting at one another.

-Living together was unbearable.

-A neighbour suggested they saw

-a marriage guidance counsellor.

-So they made an appointment.

-The counsellor sat one side of

-the desk, they were on the other.

-"Be totally honest with me,"

-said the counsellor.

-"Tell it as it is.

-Don't try to hide anything.

-"I want to hear both sides.

-You start, Mrs Hughes."

-She started! She kept running him

-down and wouldn't stop talking.

-She rabbited on

-for five or ten minutes.

-No-one could get a word in edgeways.

-She was still at it 25 minutes,

-even half an hour later!

-The husband and counsellor tried

-to interrupt her, to no avail.

-After half an hour,

-the counsellor had had enough.

-He grabbed her, and put

-her against a filing cabinet.

-He gave her a massive snog.

-He put her back in her seat.

-She sat there, dumbstruck - but

-with a silly grin on her face.

-"You see. That's what she needs

-twice a week," said the counsellor.

-"OK. I'll bring her here every

-Tuesday and Thursday afternoon."

-Yes!

-But it reached a crisis point.

-They were driving through Gwalchmai.

-"I want a divorce," she said.

-He gripped the steering wheel,

-and increased his speed to 60mph.

-They reached Llangefni.

-"I'm having an affair with

-a travelling salesman," she said.

-His gripped tightened,

-and increased his speed to 70mph.

-"I want the house and the farm,"

-she said in Llanfair.

-He didn't say a word,

-and reached 80mph.

-They were travelling at 80mph

-towards Britannia bridge.

-As they reached the bridge,

-she said...

-"..I want the bank account

-and the cheque book."

-He put his foot down once more.

-He turned the car to face

-a big concrete pillar on the bridge.

-"Well, don't you want anything?"

-"No," he replied.

-"I've got everything I want here."

-"Oh? And what's that?"

-As they hit the concrete pillar

-doing 90mph, he said, "Airbag."

-I live near a well-known beach

-in Ceredigion - Mwnt.

-Students camp there in summer.

-A student went to the beach

-one fine summer evening...

-..wearing only a sun hat,

-shorts and sandals.

-There was no-one around...

-..so he went for a nude swim.

-But when he came out of the water,

-someone had seen him...

-..and had hidden his clothes.

-But he was fortunate in one respect.

-The sun hat was still there.

-He walked back to the campsite.

-It was quite a way, and fair play,

-he held the hat...

-..in the appropriate place.

-Two elderly ladies

-were walking along the road.

-One had bad eyesight.

-She said,

-"Who was that man who passed us?"

-The other old lady replied, "One

-of the student campers, probably."

-"Well," said the first,

-"He wasn't a gentleman.

-"He didn't doff his hat."

-Driving is dangerous

-when the weather changes suddenly.

-I was driving on the A55.

-It passes near here, doesn't it?

-There was terrible fog - you

-couldn't see your nose. Serious!

-And you know how it is...

-..you see a red light on the car

-in front and you follow it.

-I was right on its bumper

-for about six miles.

-The next moment it stopped. Bang!

-I crashed into its backend.

-Well, I was angry!

-I got out and asked,

-"What are you doing, you idiot?

-"I've been following you in this

-fog. Why did you stop so suddenly?"

-"I had to," he replied.

-"I'm back home - in my garage."

-Are there any doctors here?

-Is anyone ill?

-Have you tried getting

-a doctors' appointment recently?

-Good heavens! I hope you have better

-luck than me, there's a long wait.

-I phoned last week,

-feeling poorly with a cold.

-"Can I make an appointment, please?"

-"Yes, three weeks Monday," she said.

-"What if I die before that?" said I.

-"Get someone to cancel

-the appointment," she said.

-A woman with a baby went in before

-me. The baby's nappy was dirty.

-You know her, do you?

-What a smell!

-The doctor asked her, "Is the baby

-bottle-fed or naturally fed?"

-The woman replied,

-"He's fed naturally."

-The doctor said,

-"Maybe that's the problem.

-"Take off your shirt,

-I'll have a look."

-The doctor examined her,

-phut, phut, phut!

-For a quarter of an hour!

-He asked, "Do you feel better now?"

-"Yes, much better," she replied.

-"The only problem is,

-this is my daughter's baby."

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha!

-# Don't worry, it'll be alright

-# Start to smile,

-and show what you've got

-# Your friends are all around you

-# There are lovely things

-in your world

-# Through a sea of troubles

-# Happiness will ride the waves

-# They say that you're sad

-# But I think that you're happy

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha!

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha

-# Your home is between four walls

-# Of all the copies -

-you're the original

-# You're the one!

-# You shine like a pure emerald

-# The perfect picture

-in your own world

-# Forget the long face

-# Things aren't that bleak

-# There's a message on the line

-# Happiness is calling you

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha!

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha!

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha!

-# Smile your smile for me

-# Smile your smile for me

-# The smile that cheers me up

-# A-ha! #

-S4C subtitles by GWEAD

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