Pennod 2 Noson Lawen


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Pennod 2

Comedi, cerddoriaeth ac adloniant o lwyfan y Noson Lawen ym 1996. Music, comedy and entertainment from the popular series. This episode comes from 1996.


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-..

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-..

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-This chap told his friend

-that he was really ill.

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-"Whenever I sneeze," he said,

-"I see five naked women".

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-"What do you take for it?"

-his friend asked. "Pepper!"

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-This old chap was standing

-on a street-corner, legs apart.

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-Two medical students passed

-and one said to the other...

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-.."That old man's rheumatic".

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-"He looks more arthritic to me,"

-said the other.

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-They decided to settle the matter

-by asking him.

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-"I say you're arthritic," one said.

-"Wrong!" said the old man.

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-"I say you're rheumatic,"

-the other said. "Wrong!"

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-"I thought it was wind, but I was

-wrong too," said the old man.

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-An old man went to see his doctor..

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-..and asked, "Do you think

-I'll live to be a hundred?"

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-"I can't tell," said the doctor.

-"Do you smoke?"

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-"I've never touched a fag

-in my life," he said.

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-"Do you drink?" the doctor asked.

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-"I've never touched a drop!"

-came the reply.

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-"Do you have a girlfriend or wife?"

-the doctor asked.

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-"I've never touched a woman

-in my life!" he said.

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-"Well," said the doctor, "why on

-earth do you want to live to a 100?"

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-These two women

-were keen competitors at shows.

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-One of them always won prizes

-for the best tomatoes.

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-The other asked her

-how she got them to mature...

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-..so early in the year.

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-Hers didn't redden

-till Christmas time.

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-"I'll let you in on a secret,"

-the other woman said.

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-"I go into the greenhouse...

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-..every morning at 5:00am,

-stark naked."

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-"In my birthday suit."

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-"I always make sure

-there's no-one around."

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-"In I go, and talk to them."

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-"You should see them blush!"

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-"Try it and see,"

-she told her friend.

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-A month later, they met up again.

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-"How are your tomatoes?

-Did the trick work?" she asked.

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-"Not at all."

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-"But you should see my cucumbers!"

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-How's things?

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-It's very full here, tonight.

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-Last time I was here, it was to see

-Sbobbin and his Smellies.

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-I was drunk as a skunk.

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-Way over the top.

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-I was snogging in the back,

-till about 1:00am.

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-And then the lights came on.

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-You know the feeling you get...

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-..when you see your partner

-in daylight, for the first time?

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-The lights came on, and I found out

-I'd been snogging this Llanrwst chap.

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-When he saw he'd been snogging me,

-he got rather stroppy.

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-The fact that I'd asked him what he

-was doing Saturday hadn't helped.

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-He gave me a real hiding.

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-He hurt me badly.

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-He didn't write or phone.

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-The lowlife!

-I was covered in blood.

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-Somebody phoned for a doctor...

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-..but he wasn't coming out,

-he told us to get to a hospital.

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-Off the lads went in our XR3i,

-wheel-spins left, right and centre.

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-You could have made ten condoms

-from the rubber we left on the road.

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-The hospital was deserted,

-so we called the doctor again...

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-..but he was in Ysbyty Glan Clwyd,

-not Ysbyty Ifan.

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-Off we went to the hospital...

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-..and I fell in love with a nurse

-from Rhyl.

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-She was called Dawn.

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-She was a real goer.

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-It was the smell of silage

-as I walked in that drew her to me.

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-She liked my wellingtons, too.

-Not these - my best pair.

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-My dancing wellingtons.

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-Instead of beating aimlessly around

-the bush, I asked her to marry me.

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-"What you got?" she asked.

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-I told her I had two Landrovers,

-three tractors...

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-..two Range Rovers,

-a Vauxhall Astra van...

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-..an XR2, an XR3,

-a Ford Sierra Crossworth...

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-..an Itchy-butchy

-open-top pick-up truck...

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-..a chainsaw...

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-..and an Ifor Williams trailer

-with a postcode on the roof.

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-"Stop your lying," she said,

-and she had a point.

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-I was only trying to impress her.

-I've never had a chainsaw.

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-She sent me to the Waiting Room.

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-What a boring place!

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-Nothing to do

-but read women's magazines.

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-One of them was Woman's Own.

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-It had a story about a doctor who'd

-found a five-legged woman in China.

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-Her knickers fitted like a glove.

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-I was getting hungry by now.

-It was 2:00am.

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-I went down to the canteen,

-but it was closed.

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-I struck lucky on the way back -

-I found a cupboard of Barium Meals.

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-I took one, hoping that Barium,

-whoever he was, wouldn't find out.

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-I went back down the corridor,

-and this nurse came towards me.

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-I hid behind some curtains.

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-I was rather worried she'd find me

-with this Barium chap's meal.

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-She'd be sure to tell him.

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-I hid the meal

-in an old lady's commode.

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-She looked very poorly.

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-Her face looked like a bulldog

-licking pee off nettles.

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-When she looked in her commode and

-saw this white stuff, she screamed.

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-I ran back to the Waiting Room.

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-As I arrived, the nurse

-ran to talk to the doctor.

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-She was in a right panic.

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-I heard her say that one of her

-patients who'd been constipated...

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-..for four months, had found

-some white stuff in her commode...

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-..and thought she'd strained so hard

-her brains had come out.

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-By now, it was nearly 7:00am...

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-..and I was still waiting

-for a doctor to stitch me up.

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-He came eventually,

-full of apologies.

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-He'd been performing

-some brain surgery.

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-I could just imagine him stuffing

-Barium into the old woman's head.

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-He stitched me up, and discharged me

-at 7:30...

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-..just as the nurses were starting

-their morning shift.

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-I saw one

-- you should have seen her figure!

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-I wolf-whistled at her,

-and guess who it was?

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-That chap from Llanrwst.

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-..

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-..

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-This Llanefydd farmer

-took a young cow to Rhuthun mart.

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-At Henllan, he spotted a pretty

-young blonde walking in the rain.

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-The farmer had a terrible cold,

-and he was sniffing all the time.

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-He stopped to offer the blonde

-a lift and she hopped in.

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-She was soaked to the skin

-and the old farmer kept on sniffing.

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-"Would you mind if I took off

-my wet coat?" she asked.

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-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

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-"Feel free!" he sniffed again.

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-As they passed through Denbigh,

-she said her blouse was wet, too.

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-"Would you mind if I took it off?"

-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

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-They were passing Llanrhaeadr

-when she said her skirt was wet.

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-"Would you mind if I took it off?"

-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

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-As they came into Rhuthun, she asked,

-"Can you drive with one hand?"

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-"Of course!" he sniffed excitedly.

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-"Well, wipe your nose,

-for God's sake!"

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-I've had the most God-awful day.

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-First thing this morning, I was

-rushed to hospital by ambulance...

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-..to Casuality.

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-I had terrible pain

-in the top of my legs. Right here.

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-I had to walk like this.

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-In I went, and in less

-than two minutes, I was back out.

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-All he did

-was cut my bloomer elastic.

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-When I get back, Jack, my husband,

-like all you men...

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-..expects his meal

-in two seconds flat.

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-Eating and drinking beer

-is all he thinks about.

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-You should see his belly.

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-You'd swear he was expecting twins.

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-He gets short of breath

-playing draughts!

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-Only last week, I bought him

-a pair of shoes, costing 50.

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-50 for a pair of shoes

-he can't even see!

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-My Jack comes from Cardiganshire,

-you see. He's a true Cardi.

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-He never breathes out.

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-Because he carries so much weight,

-I thought a sauna would do him good.

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-There's a sauna in Carmarthen,

-so I booked him in.

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-But of course, his nibs had to have

-a couple of pints first.

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-He came out, tanked up, and off

-he went to the steam-filled room.

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-He took off his clothes, and stood

-there, stark naked, in the steam.

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-Not a pretty sight, believe you me.

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-He had a hell of a shock

-when the steam cleared.

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-He was in the Fish and Chip shop.

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-Between you and me, Jack and I

-nearly split up at one stage.

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-We were heading for a divorce.

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-I thought he'd been unfaithful.

-I don't trust him at all.

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-I don't think he fathered

-our youngest.

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-When I was in town, I had a funny

-turn, and I had to find a loo.

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-When a woman's got to go,

-a woman's got to go.

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-Any old tree won't do,

-will it, girls?

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-There's a new toilet, down by

-Woolworths, and talk about posh!

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-You go in, sit in the cubicle...

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-..and music starts playing

-- music while you work.

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-Suddenly this Englishwoman came out

-of another cubicle.

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-She was furious,

-and in a hell of a mess.

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-She'd been in her cubicle,

-doing what one does...

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-..and "God Save the Queen"

-started playing.

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-She jumped up,

-half-way through her business.

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-There are a few big names

-in the back...

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-..all selling some record, cassette

-or CD.

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-Well, I have something to sell too.

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-Home-made chutney.

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-It's going cheap, and you'll enjoy

-it more than any record.

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-I'd better be off - Jack's having

-sausage and chutney for supper.

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-I hope I won't catch a cold

-after that bloomer episode.

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-Ooh, girls, it's not funny.

-Not at all.

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-You shouldn't laugh, you know.

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-After all, when all's said and done,

-dying is a serious business.

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-I've just been to Alcwyn's funeral.

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-Alcwyn, Cedric's older brother.

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-I'm still baffled why Mam laughed

-when I told her what happened.

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-He had an electric shock.

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-He was changing the plug

-on his wife's Ladyshave.

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-He really shouldn't have changed it

-in the bath.

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-Kath, his wife,

-said he went in a flash.

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-He didn't suffer at all.

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-Scant comfort,

-with him burnt to a cinder.

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-Cedric didn't see the point

-of paying to cremate him.

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-He thought they might as well

-put the remains in a fancy pot.

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-But Kath wanted to do things

-properly.

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-After filling Insurance forms

-to claim for a new bath...

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-..she put Alcwyn in a saucepan

-she could ill afford to do without.

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-Kath's English.

-She comes from Wolverhampton.

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-Actually, that's where they lived.

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-Finding the place

-proved a real puzzle for Cedric.

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-It was a farce.

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-I told him we should have set off

-at 7:00am.

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-If we had,

-we might have avoided the debacle.

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-Things didn't go according to plan.

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-It was gone eight when we left...

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-..and Cedric's bladder being what it

-is, we had to make frequent stops.

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-It wasn't bad between here

-and Corwen.

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-Plenty of trees and fields.

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-You're more exposed on a motorway.

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-Especially in winter.

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-We were far too late

-for the church service...

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-..so we went straight

-to the Crematorium.

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-At least we'd be warm there, I said.

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-I didn't realise what I was saying.

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-We got there eventually, more

-through guesswork than anything else

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-We asked for directions, but they

-all looked at us blankly.

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-There was no room at the front,

-near Kathy...

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-..even though Cedric and I

-were the chief mourners...

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-..so we sat at the back,

-with the hearse driver and bearers.

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-I looked round,

-searching for a familiar face...

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-..but then, I hadn't been

-to Wolverhampton for a while...

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-..and thought no more about it,

-as I hummed the Avec Verum.

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-It struck me,

-like a bolt from the blue...

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-..when the Vicar was in mid-sermon.

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-An awful hot flush came over me as he

-said, "She was a beautiful person".

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-"Jesu joy!" I said to Cedric.

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-"We're at the wrong funeral!"

0:20:390:20:41

-As I spoke,

-the Vicar pulled the switch...

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-..the coffin started moving,

-and Cedric shouted...

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-.."If that's not Alcwyn,

-they're not having the wreath!"

0:20:500:20:53

-Talk about embarrassing!

0:20:570:20:59

-He jumped on top of the coffin.

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-Flashing in Caernarfon square

-would have been less of a disgrace.

0:21:030:21:07

-The coffin stopped in its tracks,

-thanks to the Vicar, probably...

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-..and though he had the face of an

-angel, he didn't look too impressed.

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-"Sorry, Vicar,"

-Cedric said sheepishly...

0:21:200:21:24

-..the wreath draped around his neck,

-like some Monte Carlo victor.

0:21:250:21:29

-How was I supposed to know there are

-two Crematoriums in Wolverhampton?

0:21:330:21:37

-By the time we got to the other one,

-smoke was spiralling up to the sky.

0:21:370:21:41

-I approached Kath, very discreetly...

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-..and deposited the wreath subtly.

0:21:510:21:54

-A cold sweat came over me

-as I glanced at the card.

0:21:550:21:59

-"In loving memory of Myrtle".

0:21:590:22:01

-This song is called "Casa Erotti".

0:22:110:22:16

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN cyf

0:24:530:24:55

Comedi, cerddoriaeth ac adloniant o lwyfan y Noson Lawen ym 1996. Music, comedy and entertainment from the popular series. This episode comes from 1996.