Pennod 2 Noson Lawen

-..

-..

-This chap told his friend

-that he was really ill.

-"Whenever I sneeze," he said,

-"I see five naked women".

-"What do you take for it?"

-his friend asked. "Pepper!"

-This old chap was standing

-on a street-corner, legs apart.

-Two medical students passed

-and one said to the other...

-.."That old man's rheumatic".

-"He looks more arthritic to me,"

-said the other.

-They decided to settle the matter

-by asking him.

-"I say you're arthritic," one said.

-"Wrong!" said the old man.

-"I say you're rheumatic,"

-the other said. "Wrong!"

-"I thought it was wind, but I was

-wrong too," said the old man.

-An old man went to see his doctor..

-..and asked, "Do you think

-I'll live to be a hundred?"

-"I can't tell," said the doctor.

-"Do you smoke?"

-"I've never touched a fag

-in my life," he said.

-"Do you drink?" the doctor asked.

-"I've never touched a drop!"

-came the reply.

-"Do you have a girlfriend or wife?"

-the doctor asked.

-"I've never touched a woman

-in my life!" he said.

-"Well," said the doctor, "why on

-earth do you want to live to a 100?"

-These two women

-were keen competitors at shows.

-One of them always won prizes

-for the best tomatoes.

-The other asked her

-how she got them to mature...

-..so early in the year.

-Hers didn't redden

-till Christmas time.

-"I'll let you in on a secret,"

-the other woman said.

-"I go into the greenhouse...

-..every morning at 5:00am,

-stark naked."

-"In my birthday suit."

-"I always make sure

-there's no-one around."

-"In I go, and talk to them."

-"You should see them blush!"

-"Try it and see,"

-she told her friend.

-A month later, they met up again.

-"How are your tomatoes?

-Did the trick work?" she asked.

-"Not at all."

-"But you should see my cucumbers!"

-How's things?

-It's very full here, tonight.

-Last time I was here, it was to see

-Sbobbin and his Smellies.

-I was drunk as a skunk.

-Way over the top.

-I was snogging in the back,

-till about 1:00am.

-And then the lights came on.

-You know the feeling you get...

-..when you see your partner

-in daylight, for the first time?

-The lights came on, and I found out

-I'd been snogging this Llanrwst chap.

-When he saw he'd been snogging me,

-he got rather stroppy.

-The fact that I'd asked him what he

-was doing Saturday hadn't helped.

-He gave me a real hiding.

-He hurt me badly.

-He didn't write or phone.

-The lowlife!

-I was covered in blood.

-Somebody phoned for a doctor...

-..but he wasn't coming out,

-he told us to get to a hospital.

-Off the lads went in our XR3i,

-wheel-spins left, right and centre.

-You could have made ten condoms

-from the rubber we left on the road.

-The hospital was deserted,

-so we called the doctor again...

-..but he was in Ysbyty Glan Clwyd,

-not Ysbyty Ifan.

-Off we went to the hospital...

-..and I fell in love with a nurse

-from Rhyl.

-She was called Dawn.

-She was a real goer.

-It was the smell of silage

-as I walked in that drew her to me.

-She liked my wellingtons, too.

-Not these - my best pair.

-My dancing wellingtons.

-Instead of beating aimlessly around

-the bush, I asked her to marry me.

-"What you got?" she asked.

-I told her I had two Landrovers,

-three tractors...

-..two Range Rovers,

-a Vauxhall Astra van...

-..an XR2, an XR3,

-a Ford Sierra Crossworth...

-..an Itchy-butchy

-open-top pick-up truck...

-..a chainsaw...

-..and an Ifor Williams trailer

-with a postcode on the roof.

-"Stop your lying," she said,

-and she had a point.

-I was only trying to impress her.

-I've never had a chainsaw.

-She sent me to the Waiting Room.

-What a boring place!

-Nothing to do

-but read women's magazines.

-One of them was Woman's Own.

-It had a story about a doctor who'd

-found a five-legged woman in China.

-Her knickers fitted like a glove.

-I was getting hungry by now.

-It was 2:00am.

-I went down to the canteen,

-but it was closed.

-I struck lucky on the way back -

-I found a cupboard of Barium Meals.

-I took one, hoping that Barium,

-whoever he was, wouldn't find out.

-I went back down the corridor,

-and this nurse came towards me.

-I hid behind some curtains.

-I was rather worried she'd find me

-with this Barium chap's meal.

-She'd be sure to tell him.

-I hid the meal

-in an old lady's commode.

-She looked very poorly.

-Her face looked like a bulldog

-licking pee off nettles.

-When she looked in her commode and

-saw this white stuff, she screamed.

-I ran back to the Waiting Room.

-As I arrived, the nurse

-ran to talk to the doctor.

-She was in a right panic.

-I heard her say that one of her

-patients who'd been constipated...

-..for four months, had found

-some white stuff in her commode...

-..and thought she'd strained so hard

-her brains had come out.

-By now, it was nearly 7:00am...

-..and I was still waiting

-for a doctor to stitch me up.

-He came eventually,

-full of apologies.

-He'd been performing

-some brain surgery.

-I could just imagine him stuffing

-Barium into the old woman's head.

-He stitched me up, and discharged me

-at 7:30...

-..just as the nurses were starting

-their morning shift.

-I saw one

-- you should have seen her figure!

-I wolf-whistled at her,

-and guess who it was?

-That chap from Llanrwst.

-..

-..

-This Llanefydd farmer

-took a young cow to Rhuthun mart.

-At Henllan, he spotted a pretty

-young blonde walking in the rain.

-The farmer had a terrible cold,

-and he was sniffing all the time.

-He stopped to offer the blonde

-a lift and she hopped in.

-She was soaked to the skin

-and the old farmer kept on sniffing.

-"Would you mind if I took off

-my wet coat?" she asked.

-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

-"Feel free!" he sniffed again.

-As they passed through Denbigh,

-she said her blouse was wet, too.

-"Would you mind if I took it off?"

-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

-They were passing Llanrhaeadr

-when she said her skirt was wet.

-"Would you mind if I took it off?"

-"No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."

-As they came into Rhuthun, she asked,

-"Can you drive with one hand?"

-"Of course!" he sniffed excitedly.

-"Well, wipe your nose,

-for God's sake!"

-I've had the most God-awful day.

-First thing this morning, I was

-rushed to hospital by ambulance...

-..to Casuality.

-I had terrible pain

-in the top of my legs. Right here.

-I had to walk like this.

-In I went, and in less

-than two minutes, I was back out.

-All he did

-was cut my bloomer elastic.

-When I get back, Jack, my husband,

-like all you men...

-..expects his meal

-in two seconds flat.

-Eating and drinking beer

-is all he thinks about.

-You should see his belly.

-You'd swear he was expecting twins.

-He gets short of breath

-playing draughts!

-Only last week, I bought him

-a pair of shoes, costing 50.

-50 for a pair of shoes

-he can't even see!

-My Jack comes from Cardiganshire,

-you see. He's a true Cardi.

-He never breathes out.

-Because he carries so much weight,

-I thought a sauna would do him good.

-There's a sauna in Carmarthen,

-so I booked him in.

-But of course, his nibs had to have

-a couple of pints first.

-He came out, tanked up, and off

-he went to the steam-filled room.

-He took off his clothes, and stood

-there, stark naked, in the steam.

-Not a pretty sight, believe you me.

-He had a hell of a shock

-when the steam cleared.

-He was in the Fish and Chip shop.

-Between you and me, Jack and I

-nearly split up at one stage.

-We were heading for a divorce.

-I thought he'd been unfaithful.

-I don't trust him at all.

-I don't think he fathered

-our youngest.

-When I was in town, I had a funny

-turn, and I had to find a loo.

-When a woman's got to go,

-a woman's got to go.

-Any old tree won't do,

-will it, girls?

-There's a new toilet, down by

-Woolworths, and talk about posh!

-You go in, sit in the cubicle...

-..and music starts playing

-- music while you work.

-Suddenly this Englishwoman came out

-of another cubicle.

-She was furious,

-and in a hell of a mess.

-She'd been in her cubicle,

-doing what one does...

-..and "God Save the Queen"

-started playing.

-She jumped up,

-half-way through her business.

-There are a few big names

-in the back...

-..all selling some record, cassette

-or CD.

-Well, I have something to sell too.

-Home-made chutney.

-It's going cheap, and you'll enjoy

-it more than any record.

-I'd better be off - Jack's having

-sausage and chutney for supper.

-I hope I won't catch a cold

-after that bloomer episode.

-Ooh, girls, it's not funny.

-Not at all.

-You shouldn't laugh, you know.

-After all, when all's said and done,

-dying is a serious business.

-I've just been to Alcwyn's funeral.

-Alcwyn, Cedric's older brother.

-I'm still baffled why Mam laughed

-when I told her what happened.

-He had an electric shock.

-He was changing the plug

-on his wife's Ladyshave.

-He really shouldn't have changed it

-in the bath.

-Kath, his wife,

-said he went in a flash.

-He didn't suffer at all.

-Scant comfort,

-with him burnt to a cinder.

-Cedric didn't see the point

-of paying to cremate him.

-He thought they might as well

-put the remains in a fancy pot.

-But Kath wanted to do things

-properly.

-After filling Insurance forms

-to claim for a new bath...

-..she put Alcwyn in a saucepan

-she could ill afford to do without.

-Kath's English.

-She comes from Wolverhampton.

-Actually, that's where they lived.

-Finding the place

-proved a real puzzle for Cedric.

-It was a farce.

-I told him we should have set off

-at 7:00am.

-If we had,

-we might have avoided the debacle.

-Things didn't go according to plan.

-It was gone eight when we left...

-..and Cedric's bladder being what it

-is, we had to make frequent stops.

-It wasn't bad between here

-and Corwen.

-Plenty of trees and fields.

-You're more exposed on a motorway.

-Especially in winter.

-We were far too late

-for the church service...

-..so we went straight

-to the Crematorium.

-At least we'd be warm there, I said.

-I didn't realise what I was saying.

-We got there eventually, more

-through guesswork than anything else

-We asked for directions, but they

-all looked at us blankly.

-There was no room at the front,

-near Kathy...

-..even though Cedric and I

-were the chief mourners...

-..so we sat at the back,

-with the hearse driver and bearers.

-I looked round,

-searching for a familiar face...

-..but then, I hadn't been

-to Wolverhampton for a while...

-..and thought no more about it,

-as I hummed the Avec Verum.

-It struck me,

-like a bolt from the blue...

-..when the Vicar was in mid-sermon.

-An awful hot flush came over me as he

-said, "She was a beautiful person".

-"Jesu joy!" I said to Cedric.

-"We're at the wrong funeral!"

-As I spoke,

-the Vicar pulled the switch...

-..the coffin started moving,

-and Cedric shouted...

-.."If that's not Alcwyn,

-they're not having the wreath!"

-Talk about embarrassing!

-He jumped on top of the coffin.

-Flashing in Caernarfon square

-would have been less of a disgrace.

-The coffin stopped in its tracks,

-thanks to the Vicar, probably...

-..and though he had the face of an

-angel, he didn't look too impressed.

-"Sorry, Vicar,"

-Cedric said sheepishly...

-..the wreath draped around his neck,

-like some Monte Carlo victor.

-How was I supposed to know there are

-two Crematoriums in Wolverhampton?

-By the time we got to the other one,

-smoke was spiralling up to the sky.

-I approached Kath, very discreetly...

-..and deposited the wreath subtly.

-A cold sweat came over me

-as I glanced at the card.

-"In loving memory of Myrtle".

-This song is called "Casa Erotti".

-Subtitles by

-CYMEN cyf