Christmas 2013 TOTP2

Joyous felicitations. Mark Radcliffe with a collection of festive

musical sixpences from the Christmas pudding of pop.

A favourite to kick us off from the great Roy Wood

who seems to be playing a shovel. Can you dig it?

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# When you're skating in the park

# If the storm cloud makes it dark

# Then your rosy cheeks gonna light my merry way

# Now the frosty paws appear

# And they've frozen up my ear

# So we'll lie by the fire till the sleet simply knocks 'em all away

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# So if Santa brings that sleigh

# All along the Milky Way

# I'll sign my name on the rooftop in the snow

# Then he may decide to stay

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh-oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas. #

OK, you lot! Take it!

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Christmas, baby

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# Why don't you give your love

# For Christmas? #

What a lot of festive knitwear on display there.

Now here's someone else with a new jumper, by the look of it.

Couple of things - he's not particularly long haired,

not from Liverpool and his knowledge of the ways of love limited, I'd say.

# I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool

# And I'll do anything you say

# I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool

# If you'll be my sunshine daisy from LA

# I'll be your leprechaun and sit upon an old toadstool

# I'll serenade you till I'm old and grey

# I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool

# You'll be my sunshine daisy from LA

# You'll be my lovely daisy on a mountain side

# There with lots of other flowers too

# But all the other flowers hung their heads and cried

# Because the loveliest of them all was you

# But you were evidently the exception to the rule

# I picked you quickly Then I ran away

# Cos I'm the long-haired lover from Liverpool

# You were my sunshine daisy from LA

# I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool

# And I'll do anything you ask

# I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool

# Cut my hair, I'll even wear a mask

# I'll be your Valentine and you'll be mine

# And things will be cool

# We'll move along together every day

# I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool

# You'll be my sunshine daisy from LA

# You'll be my sunshine daisy from LA

# I'll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool

# And I'll do anything you ask

# I'll be your clown or your puppet or your April fool

# Cut my hair, I'll even wear a mask

# I'll be your Valentine and you'll be mine

# And things will be cool... #

And that's where Janette Krankie got the idea from...unfortunately.

Now, here's someone so rich and famous

he doesn't think the law applies to him.

It's Paul McCartney drinking after hours in a country boozer.

But being public spirited, I tipped off the local constabulary

and after a raid they closed the pub down

and put Paul in the cells for the night. Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

# The mood is right

# The spirit's up

# We're here tonight

# And that's enough

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The party's on

# The feeling's here

# That only comes

# This time of year

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The choir of children sing their song

# Ding dong, ding dong

# Ding dong, ding

# Whoo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

# Whoo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

# Do-woo, do-woo, do-woo-doo

# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The word is out

# About the town

# To lift a glass

# Oh, don't look down

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The choir of children sing their song

# They practised all year long

# Ding dong, ding dong

# Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong

# Ding dong, ding dong Ding dong, ding dong

# The party's on

# The spirit's up

# We're here tonight

# And that's enough

# Ooh! Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# The mood is right

# The spirit's up

# We're here tonight

# Oh, and that's enough

# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

# Oh oh oh oh

# Oh oh oh, wonderful Christmas time... #

Mac and Linda and the gang before the bobbies arrived.

Talking of the law, it is now illegal to hold any televised

public event in the UK without Emeli Sande being on.

So here she is, having made a big effort with her Christmas attire -

a bit of gold tinsel from the pound shop.

# You won't find him drinking under tables

# Rolling dice or staying out till three

# You won't ever find him being unfaithful

# You will find him You'll find him next to me

# You won't find him trying to chase the devil

# For money, fame, for power out of greed

# You won't ever find him where the rest go

You will find him You'll find him next to me

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# You will find him You'll find him next to me

# When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished

# And I can't seem to find no help or love for free

# I know there's no need for me to panic

# Cos I'll find him I'll find him next to me

# When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing

# And the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe

# When all I need's a hand to stop the tears from falling

# I will find him I'll find him next to me

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# I will find him I'll find him next to me

# When the end has come and buildings falling down fast

# When we've spoilt the land and dried up all the sea

# When everyone has lost their heads around us

# You will find him You'll find him next to me

# Next to me

# Ooh-hoo

# Next to me

# Ooh-hoo

# Next to me

# Ooh-hoo

# You will find him You'll find him next to me

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# Next to me

# Whoo-hoo

# You will find him You'll find him next to me. #

And yet more tinsel in evidence now as well as a no-expense

white Christmas tree that was reduced on account of being wonky.

Julian Cope here, fresh from his Nativity play,

which is why he's still in his third shepherd outfit.

# Well, bless my cotton socks I'm in the news

# The kings sits on his face But it's all assumed

# All wrapped up the same

# All wrapped up the same

# They can't have it

# You can't have it

# I can't have it too

# Until I learn to accept my reward

# Prisoners stand in queues and stand in queues

# Live in solitude like Howard Hughes

# All wrapped up the same

# All wrapped up the same

# Silence has it Arrogance has it

# I can't have it

# Ooh, until I learn to accept my reward

# Suddenly it struck me very clear

# Oh, suddenly it struck me very clean

# All wrapped up the same

# All wrapped up the same

# They can't have it

# You can't have it

# I can't have it too

# Until I learn to accept my reward

# Until I learn to accept my reward

# Until I learn to accept my reward

# Until I learn to accept my

# I learn to accept my

# I learn to accept my reward. #

Boney M next, and if you think they look a bit wooden and aren't making

much of an attempt at lip synching,

no, these are Nativity figures, silly!

# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# Long time ago in Bethlehem

# So the Holy Bible said

# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ

# Was born on Christmas Day

# Hark, now hear the angels sing

# A king was born today

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ

# Was born on Christmas Day

# While shepherds watch their flock by night

# They see a bright new shining star

# They hear a choir sing a song

# The music seemed to come from afar

# Hark, now hear the angels sing

# A king was born today

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# For a moment the world was aglow

# All the bells rang out There were tears of joy and laughter

# People shouted, "Let everyone know

# "There is hope for all to find peace"

# Now Joseph and his wife, Mary

# Came to Bethlehem that night

# They found no place to bear her child

# Not a single room was in sight

# And then they found a little nook

# In a stable all forlorn

# And in a manger cold and dark

# Mary's little boy was born

# Hark, now hear the angels sing

# A king was born... #

Meanwhile, in the function suite of a motel off the A1 near Grantham,

the office party is in full swing and the lads from sales give us

their annual hilarious routine. Fancy a fag outside?

# Christmas turkey, you can stuff it

# Roast potatoes, sprouts an' all

# Who's this geezer Father Christmas?

# He got stoned and lost control

# Hey, Santa!

# What?

# Leave the booze alone

# Drank so much that he drove his sleigh through the wall. #

CHEERING

# Didn't we have a lovely time

# At the office Christmas party

# We finished our work and all went berserk

# And grabbed the nearest secretary

# Mr McKay, he threw a mince pie

# And someone dropped a stink bomb

# We all said, "Phwoar!" and ran out the door

# Till the bomb died down

# The cleaner called Gert She lifted her skirt

# And did the 'okey cokey

# Old Mr Swift got stuck in the lift

# It wouldn't go up or down, you know

# The manageress She ruined her dress

# As she bound into the trifle

# Said something obscene on her telex machine

# And the shares went down

# Then a knock on the door And in came the law

# And we all went home. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I'm only a poor little fairy

# Aww!

# Stuck on the top of the tree

# What a shame!

# They switched on the lights And bang went my tights

# Then my legs fell off One, two, three

# One, two, three

# A chocolate soldier called Nigel

# He's nice

# He didn't like fairies, he said

# Nasty

# I know it sounds daft

# But I had the last laugh

# When somebody bit off his head

# Oh, we are the gnomes and the goblins

# Who come down from Greenland each year

# We sit on the shelves

# And beat up the elves

# And all have a happy New Year

# That's nice! #

Great, lads, same time next year. Abba now, so confident in the song

they make little attempt at choreography,

although the really exciting bit is in the chorus

where they actually turn sideways. Wow!

And look out for a very underwhelming drummer.

# I've been cheated by you since I don't know when

# So I made up my mind It must come to an end

# Look at me now Will I ever learn?

# I don't know how But I suddenly lose control

# There's a fire within my soul

# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

# One more look and I forget everything

# Woo-oah

# Mamma mia

# Here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia, does it show again

# My, my, just how much I missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why why did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia, now I really know

# My, my, I could never let you go

# I've been angry and sad about things that you do

# I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through

# And when you go When you slam the door

# I think you know

# That you won't be away too long

# You know that I'm not that strong

# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

# One more look and I forget everything

# Oh-oh-ohh, mamma mia

# Here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia, does it show again

# My, my, just how much I missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why why did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia, even if I say

# Bye-bye, leave me now and never

# Mamma mia, it's a game we play

# Bye-bye doesn't mean for ever

# Mamma mia, here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia, does it show again

# My my, just how much I've missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why did I ever let you go

# Mamma mia, now I really know

# My, my, I could never let you go. #

And again, no satin suit budget for the backing band. Cheapskates!

Something vintage now from an old Norman Wisdom film.

Oh, no, hang on, it's Robbie Williams with his new hair,

evidently inspired by Dickie Davies.

# Stars shining bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper I love you

# Birds singin' in the sycamore tree

# Dream a little dream of me

# Say nighty-night and kiss me

# Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

# While I'm alone and blue as can be

# Dream a little dream of me

# Stars fading, but I linger on, dear

# Still craving your kiss

# I'm longin' to linger till dawn, dear

# Just saying this

# Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

# Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

# But in your dreams Whatever they be

# Dream a little dream of me... #

Cheesy sticks?

Swoon.

# Stars fading, but I linger on, dear

# Still craving your kiss

# I'm longin' to linger till dawn, dear

# Just saying this

# Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you

# But in your dreams whatever they be

# Dream a little dream of me. #

Merry Christmas.

Who is your favourite singer?

Gary Barlow.

# But in your dreams Whatever they be

# Dream a little dream of me. #

Right, over to the market now, where a bunch of old teddy boys are trying

to flog some distinctly unbushy, knocked-off Christmas trees.

And lead singer Dave Bartram's trousers? Filthy -

that's what happens when you go robbing conifers in a white suit.

D'oh!

# Hey, Mr Christmas

# Mr Christmas, here we come

# Throw away your troubles this Christmas

# And make this Christmas bright

# Carols singing, bells are ringing

# Santa comes tonight

# Forget your troubles and worries

# And kick them out the door

# Don't look back

# Come on in

# We'll just play some more, more, more, more

# Hey, Mr Christmas

# We hope you're having fun

# Hey, Mr Christmas

# Mr Christmas

# Here we come

-# Old folks sit by the fire

-Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

# Children play in the snow

# They've been waitin' Anticipatin'

# See the faces glow

-# Forget your troubles and worries

-Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

# And kick them out the door

# Don't look back Come on in

# We'll just play some more, more, more, more

# Hey, Mr Christmas

# We hope you're havin' fun

# Hey, Mr Christmas

# Mr Christmas, here we come

# Mr Christmas

# Here we come. #

Evidently recorded at dusk - Showaddywaddy.

Now then, the whole world paused to reflect earlier this month

as one of the political giants of our lifetimes passed away.

# Free Nelson Mandela

# 21 years in captivity

# Shoes too small to fit his feet

# His body abused But his mind is still free

# Are you so blind that you cannot see?

# I said

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

# I'm begging you to

# Free Nelson Mandela

# He pleaded the causes of the ANC

# Only one man in a large army

# Are you so blind that you cannot see?

# Are you so deaf that you cannot hear his plea?

# Free Nelson Mandela

# I'm begging you

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

# 21 years in captivity

# Are you so blind that you cannot see?

# Are you so deaf that you cannot hear?

# Are you so dumb that you cannot speak?

# I said

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

# Oh, I'm begging you

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

ALL CLAP TO BEAT

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

# Begging you, begging you, please

# Free Nelson Mandela

# You've got to free You've got to free, got to free

# Yeah

# Free

# Nelson Mandela

# Free

# Nelson Mandela. #

Jona Lewie now, and this was right at the beginning of the '80s,

when everyone had long hair.

You'd never be put in charge of a platoon

with a haircut like that these days, the scruffy Herbert!

# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here

# To say we're doing splendidly

# But it's very cold Out here in the snow

# Marching to and from the enemy

# Oh, I say it's tough I have had enough

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# I have had to fight Almost every night

# Down throughout these centuries

# That is when I say Oh, yes, yet again

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# In the nuclear fallout zone

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Dub-ah dub-ah dum-dum Dub-ah dub-ah dum

# Dub-ah dum-dum dub-ah-dum Dub-ah dub-ah-dum

# Dub-ah dub-ah dum-dum Dub-ah dub-ah dum

# Dub-ah dum-dum dub-ah-dum Dub-ah dub-ah-dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Bang goes another bomb On another town

# While the Tsar and Jim have tea

# If I get home Live to tell the tale

# I'll run for all presidencies

# If I get elected I'll stop

# I will stop the cavalry

# Dub-ah dub-ah dum-dum Dub-ah dub-ah dum

# Dub-ah dum-dum dub-ah-dum Dub-ah dub-ah-dum

# Dub-ah dub-ah dum-dum Dub-ah dub-ah dum

# Dub-ah dum-dum dub-ah-dum Dub-ah dub-ah-dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# She's been waiting two years long

# Wish I was at home for Christmas. #

Now, performing on a giant ceramic hob, it's Junior Senior.

And the hyperactive portly gentleman in the scarf with the moustache,

well, he later went on to be the Chairman of the Co-op Bank -

what could possibly go wrong, eh?

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh

# D-D-Don't, don't, don't Don't stop the beat

# I c-c-can't, can't C-cant control my feet

# P-P-PPeople in the street

# Come on, everybody And move your feet

-# Don't stop

-Don't stop

# Don't stop the beat I can't stop

-# Can't stop

-Can't stop the beat, I won't stop

-# Won't stop

-Won't stop the beat

-# Go!

-Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh

# Come on!

# Sing, sing, sing, sing Sing a song

# And you, you, you, you You sing along

# Put, put, put Put my record on

# All of your troubles are dead and gone

-# Don't stop

-Don't stop

-# Don't stop the beat, I can't stop

-Can't stop

-# Can't stop the beat, I won't stop

-Won't stop

-# Won't stop the beat, go!

-Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh

-# Don't stop

-Don't stop

-# Don't stop the beat, I can't stop

-Can't stop

-# Can't stop the beat, I won't stop

-Won't stop

# Won't stop the beat, go!

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

-# Oh oh-oh

-Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

-# Oh oh-oh

-Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh

# Everybody

# Move your feet and feel united

# Oh oh-oh. #

CHEERING

OK. Shortly after securing an endorsement deal

with a stretch-denim manufacturer,

here are the fragrant Nolans.

And our best wishes to the family this Christmas

after the sad loss of Bernie during 2013.

# Ooh ooh ooh

-# Ooh ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

-Yeah, yeah

# I'm in the mood for dancin'

# Romancin'

# Ooh, I'm givin' it all tonight

# I'm in the mood for chancin'

# I feel like dancin'

# Ooh, so come on and hold me tight

-# Dancin'

-Dancin'

# I'm in the mood, babe

# So let the music play

# Ooh ooh ooh

-# Dancin'

-Dancin'

# I'm in the groove, babe

# So get on up and let your body sway

# I'm in the mood for dancin'

# Romancin'

# You know I shan't ever stop tonight

# I'm in the mood for chancin'

# I feel like dancin'

# Ooh, from head to my toes

# Take me again

# And heaven, who knows

# Just where it can end

-# So dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

-# Yeah, let's dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

-# Come on and dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

# Ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

-# Dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

-# Yeah, let's dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

-# Come on and dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

# Ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

# Ooh, I'm in the mood for dancin'

# Romancin', ooh

# I'm givin' it all tonight

# I'm in the mood for chancin'

# I feel like dancin'

# Ooh, so come on and hold me tight

-# Dancin'

-Dancin'

# Just feel the beat, babe

# That's all you've gotta do

# I can't stop dancin'

# Dancin'

# So move your feet, babe

# Cos, honey, when I get up close to you

# I'm in the mood for dancin'

# Romancin'

# You know I shan't ever stop tonight

# I'm in the mood

# I'm in the mood

-# I'm in the mood to dance

-Ooh ooh, dance

-# Yeah, let's dance

-Ooh ooh, dance... #

Now then, do you remember the film The Odd Couple?

Well, here's the remake, starring Bowie and Bing.

You'd have to say that whilst this might have been a thrill for David,

Bing looks like he'd rather be anywhere

than in this tinsel-festooned maisonette

with a bloke he's never heard of.

# Come, they told me Pa rum pum pum pum

# A new-born King to see Pa rum pum pum pum

# Our finest gifts we bring Pa rum pum pum pum

# Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum

-# Come, they told me

-Peace on Earth

-# Pa rum pum pum pum

-Can it be

-# A new-born King to see

-Years from now

-# Perhaps we'll see

-Pa rum pum pum pum

-# Our finest gifts we bring

-See the day

-# Of glory

-Pa rum pum pum pum

-# See the day

-To lay before the King

-# When men of good will

-Pa rum pum pum pum

-# Live in peace, live in peace

-Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

-# Peace on Earth

-So to honour him

# Pa rum pum pum pum

-# When we come

-Can it be?

# Every child must be made aware

# Every child must be made to care

# Care enough for his fellow man

# To give all the love that he can

-# I pray my wish

-Little baby, pa rum pum pum pum

# Will come true

-# I stood beside him there

-For my child

-# Pa rum pum pum pum

-And your child too

-# I played my drum for him

-He'll see the day

-# Of glory

-Pa rum pum pum pum

-# I played my best for him

-See the day

-# Pa rum pum pum pum

-When men of good will

-# Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

-Live in peace, live in peace again

-# Peace on Earth

-Then he smiled at me

# Pa rum pum pum pum

-# Can it be?

-Pa rum pum pum pum

# Can it be? #

Ah, Bing's smiles certainly lit up Christmas that year.

Darts now, and on bass vocals in his younger days,

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel Adebayor.

# I'm dreamin' of a white

-# Christmas

-Ooh ooh ooh

-# Just like the ones I used to know

-Ooh ooh ooh

# Ah ah

-# May your days be merry

-Ah ah

-# And bright

-Ah

# Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ohh

# And my all your Christmases be white

# Doo-ba doo-ba doo-ba doo-ba

-# Well, I-I-I-I'm dreamin'

-Doo-be-do

-# Of a white Christmas

-Doop doo-be doo-be doop

# Just like the ones I used to know

-# Where the tree tops glisten

-Ah ah

-# And all the children listen

-Bop bop bop bop

-# To hear

-Doop doop

# Sleigh bells in the snow

-# Here those sleigh bells come

-Merry Christmas, baby

# Well, I'm dreamin'

# Of a white

# Of a white Christmas

# With every Christmas card I write

# Bop bop bop bop

# May your days be merry and bright

-# Ooh ooh

-And may all your Christmases

# Be white

Merry Christmas!

Stick that in your stocking!

# May your days, may your days May your days

# Be merry and bright

# And my all

# Your Christmases be white

# I-I-I-I'm dreamin'

# Of a white

# Of a white Christmas

# With every Christmas card I write

# May your days, may your days

# May your days be merry and bright

# Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

# And may all

# Your Christmases

# Be-e-e-e-e

# White. #

Darts - 180!

That's where it got to in the charts anyway.

The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl now - ah, happy days...

in the police cells.

# It was Christmas Eve, babe

# In the drunk tank

# An old man said to me

# "Won't see another one"

# And then he sang a song

# The Rare Old Mountain Dew

# I turned my face away

# And dreamed about you

# Got on a lucky one

# Came in 18 to 1

# I've got a feeling

# This year's for me and you

# So happy Christmas

# I love you, baby

# I can see a better time

# When all our dreams come true

# They got cars big as bars They've got rivers of gold

# But the wind goes right through you

# It's no place for the old

# When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve

# You promised me Broadway was waiting for me

# You were handsome

# You were pretty Queen of New York City

# When the band finished playing They howled out for more

# Sinatra was swinging All the drunks, they were singing

# We kissed on the corner then danced through the night

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Were singing Galway Bay

# And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day

# You're a bum, you're a punk

# You're an old slut on junk

# Lying there almost dead On a drip in that bed

# You scumbag, you maggot You cheap, lousy faggot

# Happy Christmas, you ass I pray God it's our last

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out

# For Christmas Day

# I could've been someone

# Well, so could anyone

# You took my dreams from me

# When I first found you

# I kept them with me, babe

# I put them with my own

# Can't make it all alone

# I've built my dreams around you

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day. #

And RIP Pogues guitarist Phil Chevron, who we also lost this year.

Right, at first glance, this looks like George Michael sleeping it off,

but it's not, it's Owen Wilson

doing a celebrity turn for his mates The Killers.

And look out for a particularly poignant scene

when Owen wistfully fondles his solitary bauble.

# Woke up to sun

# Streaming in my room

# One beach-front palm

# December afternoon

# You close your eyes

# Another year blows by

# Somewhere in the wind

# Just another life

# My parents sent a Christmas card

# And tennis shoes

# "We understand you staying

# "And we're proud of you"

# There's a well-rehearsed disinterest

# In the atmosphere

# I don't know if that's what this town gave me

# Or if it led me here

# And I've played so many parts

# I don't know which one's really me

# Don't know if I can take

# Another Christmas in LA

# Another pitcher of sangria

# In an empty beach cafe

# Another Christmas in LA

# Hold me tighter, Carmelita

# I don't know how long I can stay

# Left a girl behind

# In my old man's truck

# Sometimes I wonder where she ended up

# Maybe she got married

# Had a couple of kids

# Who do you think you're foolin', man?

# Of course she did

# I'm walking in Dan Tana's bar

# Try and talk with Harry Dean

# I don't know if I can take

# Another Christmas in LA

# Another casting call on Thursday

# For a job that doesn't pay

# Another Christmas in LA

# Another burn-out in a tank top

# That seems to bask in his decay

# A fat protagonist in flip-flops

# With an extensive resume

# From Echo Park to Catalina

# Dreamin' of a white Christmas

# The one I used to know

# Tree tops glistenin'

# Children listenin'

# To sleigh bells in the snow

# Another Christmas in LA. #

Meanwhile, at a self-help group for people with mullets,

a Christmas singsong breaks out.

# It's Christmas time

# There's no need to be afraid

# At Christmas time

# We let in light and we banish hate

# And in our world of plenty

# We can spread a smile of joy

# Put your arms around the world

# At Christmas time

# But say a prayer

# Pray for the other ones

# At Christmas time

# It's hard

# But when you're having fun

# There's a world outside your window

# And it's a world of dread and fear

# Where the only water flowing

# Is the bitter sting of tear

# And the Christmas bells that ring there

# Are the clanging chimes of doom

# Well, tonight thank God it's them

# Instead of you

# And there won't be snow in Africa

# This Christmas time

# The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

# Oh-oh oh

# Where nothing ever grows

# No rain or rivers flow

# Do they know

# It's Christmas time at all?

# Here's to you

# Raise a glass for everyone

# Here's to them

# Underneath that burnin' sun

# Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

# Feed the world

# Let them know it's Christmas time

# Feed the world... #

And at least half of them are bald now,

and so look much better.

Lovely performance from Gabrielle Aplin now,

though I have bad memories of this.

I was up half the night

making those snowflakes out of polystyrene ceiling tiles.

# Dreams are like angels

# That keep bad at bay

# Love is the light

# Scaring darkness away

# I'm so in love with you

# Make love your goal

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

# Flame on burn desire

# Love, with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal

# I'll protect you from the hooded claw

# Keep the vampires from your door

# When the chips are down I'll be around

# With my undying Death-defying love for you

# Envy will hurt itself

# Let yourself be beautiful

# Sparkling like flowers and pearls

# And pretty girls

# And love is like an energy

# Rushin', rushin' inside of me

# Oh

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

# Flame on burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal

# This time we go sublime

# Lovers entwine Divine, divine

# Love is danger, love is pleasure

# Love is pure The only treasure

# I'm so in love with you

# Make love your goal

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

# The power of love

# A force from above

# A sky-scraping dove

# Flame on burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal

# Make love your goal. #

-CHEERING

-Very nice.

And while we're in reflective mood,

let's contemplate the plight of Shakin' Stevens.

Big appearance on Top Of The Pops

and contracts St Vitus' Dance in his right leg - bad luck, eh?

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Time for parties

# And celebration

# People dancing

# All night long

# Time for presents

# And exchanging kisses

# Time for singing

# Christmas songs

# We're gonna have a party tonight

# I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe

# We'll kiss by candlelight

# Room is swaying

# Records playing

# All the old songs

# We love to hear

# All I wish that everyday was Christmas

# What a nice way

# To spend the year

# We're gonna have a party tonight

# I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe

# We'll kiss by candlelight

-# Snow is falling

-Snow is falling

-# All around me

-All around me

-# Children playing

-Children playing

-# Having fun

-Having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Ooh, merry Christmas, everyone... #

CHEERING

# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

-# Snow is falling

-Snow is falling

-# All around me

-All around me

-# Children playing

-Children playing

-# Having fun

-Having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Ooh, merry Christmas, everyone. #

Next up, an electronic take on an old favourite.

Nicely creepy video, this.

And listen for an early mention

of Southampton soccer legend Matt Le Tissier.

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Tempus adest gratiae

# Hoc quod optabamus

# Carmina laetitiae

# Devote reddamus

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Deus homo factus est

# Natura mirante

# Mundus renovatus est

# A Christo regnante

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Ezechielis porta

# Clausa pertransitur

# Unde lux est orta

# Salus invenitur

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Ergo nostra contio

# Psallat iam in lustro

# Benedicat Domino

# Salus Regi nostro

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete

# Christus est natus

# Ex Maria virgine

# Gaudete. #

Mud next, with a terrible case of dandruff.

Take two bottles into the shower? Apparently not.

Still, at least singer Les Gray is having a lot of fun

with his Marc Almond ventriloquist puppet. Cute, eh?

# Try to imagine

# A house that's not a home

# Try to imagine

# A Christmas all alone

# That's where I'll be

# Since you left me

# My tears could melt the snow

# What can I do without you?

# I've got no place, no place to go

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold

# Without you to hold

# This Christmas

# Each time I remember

# The day you went away

# And how I would listen

# To the things you had to say

# I just break down as I look around

# And the only things I see

# Are emptiness and loneliness

# And an unlit Christmas tree

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold

# Without you to hold

# This Christmas... #

You remember last year, when you and I were here?

We never thought there'd be an end.

And I remember looking at you then.

And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us.

Cos, darling, this is the time of year

that you really...you really need love.

When it means so very, very much.

# It'll be lonely this Christmas... #

So it'll be lonely this Christmas.

-# Without you to hold... #

-Without you to hold.

# It'll be lonely this Christmas... #

It'll be so very lonely.

-# Lonely and cold... #

-Lonely and cold.

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold

# Without you to hold

# This Christmas. #

Merry Christmas, darling, wherever you are.

And I had to sweep all that up afterwards

so thanks for nothing, lads.

Right, a public safety film now

about driving in four-wheel drive vehicles whatever the weather.

And our celebrity driver - why, it's none other than George Michael!

Erm...are you sure we've thought this through?

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

-# You gave it away

-You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

-# I'll give it to someone special

-Special

# Once bitten and twice shy

# I keep my distance

# But you still catch my eye

# Tell me, baby

# Do you recognise me?

# Well, it's been a year

# It doesn't surprise me

# (Merry Christmas)

# I wrapped it up and sent it

# With a note saying, "I love you" I meant it

# Now I know what a fool I've been

# But if you kissed me now

# I know you'd fool me again

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

-# You gave it away

-You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

-# I'll give it to someone special

-Special

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

-# I'll give it to someone special

-Special

# Oh

# Oh, my baby

# A crowded room

# Friends with tired eyes

# I'm hiding from you

# And your soul of ice

# My God, I thought you were someone to rely on

# Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

# A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

# A man under cover but you tore me apart

# Ooh, ooh

# Now I've found a real love

# You'll never fool me again

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

-# You gave it away

-You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

-# I'll give it to someone special

-Special

# Last Christmas

-# I gave you my heart

-I gave you my heart!

# But the very next day

-# You gave it away

-You gave me away!

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Special!

# A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

# I gave you my heart

# A man under cover but you tore him apart. #

Christmas has come early for me.

Santa asked me what I wanted this year and I said,

"Well, more than anything,

"I'd love it if Boyzone could just get back together."

And so dreams do come true at Yuletide.

Here we go - Ronan singing

and the others touting for catalogue modelling work.

# Streets are finally emptying

# Tin shutters coming down

# I'm watching as the city starts to breathe again

# The madding crowd dispersing

# People going home

# Just another hour before the eve descends

# When the world feels right

# In the silent night

# Sometimes if I stop to close my eyes

# I believe the years of true believing

# And understand there is no other time

# When peace can touch us all

# Like the hour before Christmas

# Bells call from cathedrals

# Stars fall from the skies

# Children sleeping soundly in their beds tonight

# Loved ones gone before us

# Like footprints in the snow

# Christmas cards remember we will never let them go

# In that midnight hour

# In that silence

# Sometimes if I stop to close my eyes

# I believe the years of true believing

# And understand there is no other time

# When peace can touch us all

# Snowflakes falling into morning

# Time is standing still

# Hark! Now, hear the angels sing

# A new king's born today

# Sometimes if I stop to close my eyes

# I believe the years of true believing

# And understand there is no other time

# When peace can touch us all

# Where angels hear our call

# In the hour before Christmas

# Oh, Christmas is here. #

CHEERING

Merry Christmas. Thank you.

Nearly there now, so a couple of classics before we go.

# So this is Christmas

# And what have you done?

# Another year over

# And a new one just begun

# And so this is Christmas

# I hope you have fun

# The near and the dear ones

# The old and the young

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# And so this is Christmas

-War is over

-# For weak and for strong

-If you want it

-# For rich and the poor ones

-War is over

-# The world is so wrong

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# For black and for white

-If you want it

-# For yellow and red ones

-War is over

-# Let's stop all the fight

-Now

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# And so this is Christmas

-War is over

-# And what have we done?

-If you want it

-# Another year over

-War is over

-# A new one just begun

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# We hope you have fun

-If you want it

-# The near and the dear ones

-War is over

-# The old and the young

-Now

# A very Merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

# War is over

# If you want it

# War is over. #

And, of course, no show without punch

and so here's Noddy and the boys.

I know you'll have been wondering which version we're having

this year. Well, it's the one where it was Dave's turn with the hat.

Honestly! With all the money they had,

you'd have thought they could afford a hat each. Merry Christmas, Nod.

# Are you hanging up a stocking

# On your wall?

# It's the time that every Santa

# Has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

# Does a ton-up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him sober

# For a day?

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# Are you waiting for the family

# To arrive?

# Are you sure you got the room

# To spare inside?

# Does your granny always tell you

# That the old songs are the best?

# Then she's up and rock 'n' rollin'

# With the rest

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun