Christmas 2014 TOTP2

Ah, joyous felicitations, all you faithful

and welcome to the Christmas Top Of The Pops.

Mark Radcliffe here with more rashers of musical streaky bacon

on the glistening basted turkey of pop.

First up this year, the Pet Shop Boys.

Chris has come straight from catering college

and Neil from an interview with the Civil Service.

Cheer up, lads, it's Christmas.

# Maybe I didn't treat you

# Quite as good as I should

# Maybe I didn't love you

# Quite as often as I could

# Little things I should have said and done

# I never took the time

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# Maybe I didn't hold you

# All those lonely, lonely times

# And I guess I never told you

# I'm so happy that you're mine

# If I made you feel second best

# I'm so sorry I was blind

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# Tell me

# Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died

# Give me

# One more chance to keep you satisfied

# Satisfied

# Little things I should have said and done

# I never took the time

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# Tell me

# Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died

# Give me

# One more chance to keep you satisfied

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# You were always on my mind

# Maybe I didn't treat you

# Quite as good as I should

# Maybe I didn't love you

# Quite as often as I could

# Maybe I didn't hold you

# All those lonely, lonely times

# And I guess I never told you

# I'm so happy that you're mine. #

Well, if those grinning cherubic faces

don't get you in the festive mood,

I don't know what will. Perhaps this lot?

And, by coincidence, Dave Hill

had also come straight from an interview with the Civil Service.

He didn't get the job. But where is Noddy's hat?

# Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?

# It's the time that every Santa has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

# Does it ton-up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# Are you waiting for the family to arrive?

# Are you sure you got the room to spare inside?

# Does your granny always tell ya

# That the old songs are the best?

# Then she's up and rock and rollin' with the rest

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# What will your daddy do when he sees your mama kissin' Santa Claus?

# Ah-ha

# Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?

# Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall?

# Do you ride on down the hillside

# In a buggy you have made?

# When you land upon your head then you've been sleighed

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun...

It's Christmas!

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun. #

Working-class heroes Slade.

And by way of contrast, over at Sandringham,

a house party is in full swing,

where Sir Thomas Jones, Cerys Matthews MBE and Julian Holland OBE

are joined by the Duke of Norfolk on drums.

This one's going out to all you republicans out there.

# I really can't stay

# Well, baby, it's cold outside

I've got to go away

# Oh, baby, it's cold outside

# This evening has been

# Been hoping that you'd drop in

# So very nice

# I'll hold your hand, it's just like ice

# My mother will start to worry

# Beautiful, what's your hurry?

# My father will be pacing the floor

# Listen to the fireplace roar

# So really I'd better scurry

# Baby, don't, don't hurry

# Maybe a half a drink more

# Why don't you put some records on while I pour?

# The neighbours might think

# Oh, baby, it's bad out there

# Say, what's in this drink?

# There's no cabs to be had out there

# I wish I knew how

# Your eyes are like starlight now

# To break this spell

# I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

# I ought to say no, no, no

# Mind if I move in closer?

# At least I'm gonna say that I tried

# What's the use of hurting my pride?

# I really can't stay

# Oh, baby, don't hold out

-# Ah, but it's cold outside

-# Ah, but it's cold outside

# Yeah

# All right

# I simply must go

# But, baby, it's cold outside

# The answer is no

# I said it's cold outside

# The welcome has been

# I'm lucky that you dropped in

# So nice and warm

# Look out the window at that snow

# My sister will be suspicious

# God, your lips look delicious

# My brother will be there at the door

# Like waves upon a tropical shore

# The maiden aunt's mind is vicious

# Ooh, your lips are delicious

# Maybe a cigarette more

# Never such a blizzard before

# I've got to go home

# Baby, you'll freeze out there

# Say, lend me your coat

# It's up to your knees out there

# You've really been grand

# I thrill when you touch my hand

# But don't you see?

# How can you do these things to me?

# There's bound to be talk tomorrow

# Think of my life-long sorrow

# At least there will be plenty implied

# If you caught pneumonia and died

# I really can't stay

# Get over that old doubt

-# Ah, but it's cold outside

-# Oh, babe, it's cold outside

# Yeah. #

Stick with your first instinct, Cerys. Get out of there.

Mind you, it is grim outside.

In particular, a weather warning is in place

predicting freezing fog in the Glasgow area.

Hope you've got your thermal trews on under there, you Bluebell boys.

# Young at heart

# Yet what a start

# Old before their time

# They married young

# For love at last

# Was their only crime

# How come I love them now?

# How come I love them more?

# Young at heart

# You're so young at heart

# Young at heart

# Young at heart

# Yet not a chance to be a child at all

# They told us tales They told us lies

# Don't they know, they shouldn't have told us at all

# How come I love them now?

# How come I love them more?

# When all I wanted to do when I was old

# Was to walk out the door

# Young at heart

# You're so young at heart

# Young at heart

# You're so young at heart

# How come I love them now?

# How come I love them more?

# How come I love them now?

# How come I love them more?

# How come I love them now?

# How come I love them more?

# When all I wanted to do when I was old

# Was to walk out the door...

Remember, folks, a pup's for life, not just for Christmas.

DOG BARKS

# Young at heart

# You're so young at heart

# You're so young at heart. #

OK, off to the North Pole now

where Santa and his elves have come over all urban

just before, like, delivering, like, loads of sick gear

fo shizzle, down with the kids, innit?

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# Hey! I've got my heart

# Hey! I found my soul

# Hey! I'm living, I'm living, I'm living life, man

# Yeah! Switch on the TV

# They keep it real but not in that way

# Yay

# I turn the channel and just see somebody's life displayed

# Yay

# Awkward pauses and dodgy moments

# I smile, it keeps me sane

# Reality TV is morphine, give me that now, let me ease the pain

-# Oh, yeah

-# Yeah!

# Man, talent shows I seen some of our friends

-# Go beat their targets

-# Ah, yes

# I've also seen careers end when they ain't even really started

# Jeremy Kyle got the nation laughing

# At other people's expense

# Somebody tell that guy that we hate him, too

# We are not his friends

# Yeah, #trend

-# We make people go

-# Clap, clap, yeah

# When I heard people buy views I was more confused

# Than all John Terry's black friends

-# Hey, watch your mouth, son

-# #trend

# Oi, Big Brother's in the house now, yeah

# I said screw the voting and the talking

# I just wanna see people fight and have sex

-# So let's say, hey!

-# Hey!

# I'm living, I'm living life, man

-# Say, hey!

-# Hey!

# Yeah, I'm living, I'm living life

# I've got my heart

# I found my soul

# I'm living, I'm living

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# Hey!

-# I've got my heart

-# Hey!

-# I found my soul

-# Hey!

# I'm living, I'm living

# I'm living life, man

# Yeah, I wanna dance, I wanna have fun

# Let me feel the music, yeah

# I hope you realise how dumb you sound

# When you call us stupid, yeah

# I wanna drive to work, hear this beat

# And make my dreams come true

# Keep it up, man

# A beat like this reminds my heart what to do

# Salute

# I want you to feel useless, baby

# That's right, every bad boy should

# And damn right I'm a slut, you know this

# But I'm a boy, it's all good

# Take snaps of me

# I'm an icon standing here in my shades

# Oi, be someone

# If you beg to be followed then you've lost your way, yeah

# #trend

-# We make people go

-# Clap, clap, yeah

# Why is everybody so PC?

# It's not my fault if you take offence

-# Hey, watch your mouth, son

-# #trend

# What's wrong if a girl loves sex?

# It's only wrong if it's not with you

# So maybe you should get better in bed

-# You naughty boy

-# Hey!

-# Say, hey!

-# Hey!

# I'm living, I'm living life, man

-# Say, hey!

-# Hey!

# I'm living, I'm living life

# Yeah, say it

-# I've got my heart

-# My heart

-# I found my soul

-# Soul

# I'm living, I'm living

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# I said I'm living in a lost generation

# Hey!

-# I've got my heart

-# My heart

# I found my soul

# I'm living, I'm living I'm living life, man

# Say, hey! #

Merry Christmas to everybody and a happy New Year!

Oh, thanks, Rizzle Kicks. Same to you.

And in a beautiful piece of theming

here's the godfather of hip-hop Johnny Mathis now,

with his attentive harem,

all competing to see who'll be the lucky lady

sharing his grotto this year.

# Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go

# Let's look at the show

# We're riding in a wonderland of snow

# Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand

# Just holding your hand

# We're gliding along with a song of a wintery fairyland

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we

# We've snuggled close together like two birds of a feather should be

# Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# There's a birthday party at the home of farmer Grey

# It'll be the perfect ending of a perfect day

# We'll be singing the songs we love to sing without a single stop

# At the fireplace where we'll watch the chestnuts pop

# Pop, pop, pop

# There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy

# As they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie

# It'll nearly be like a picture print by Currier and Ives

# These wonderful things are the things we remember

# All through our lives

# These wonderful things are the things we remember

# All through our lives

# Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go

# Let's look at the show

# We're riding in a wonderland of snow

# Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand

# Just holding your hand

# We're gliding along with a song of a wintery fairyland

# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we

# We've snuggled close together like two birds of a feather should be

# Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two

# Come along, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with

# Lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with

# Lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. #

Yes, I remember that Christmas well.

Legwarmers were ten pairs for a fiver on the market. Happy days.

Next, a bunch of urchins

who are going to be freezing when they go out

because they've kept their coats on indoors, the massive idiots.

# City dweller, successful fella

# Thought to himself, oops, I've got a lot of money

# I'm caught in a rat race terminally

# I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it

# I'm paying the price of living life at the limit

# Caught up in the century's anxiety

-# It preys on him

-# It preys on him

-# He's getting thin

-Getting thin

# He lives in a house, a very big house in the country

# Watching afternoon repeats and the food he eats in the country

# He takes all manner of pills and piles up analyst bills in the country

# It's like an animal farm, lots of rural charm in the country

# Now your morning glory, life's a different story

# Everything's going Jackanory

# In touch with his own mortality

# He's reading Balzac, knocking back Prozac

# Brings your life back

-# For the faint at heart

-# For the faint at heart

# A new start

# He lives in a house, a very big house in the country

# He's got a fog in his chest so he needs a lot of rest in the country

# He doesn't drink, smoke, laugh, takes herbal baths in the country

# It's like an animal farm, lots of rural charm in the country

# In the country

# In the country

# In the country

-# Blow, blow me out

-# She's right

-# I am so sad

-# She's right

# I don't know why

# Blow, blow me out

# I am so sad

# I don't know why

# Oh, he lives in a house, a very big house in the country

# Watching afternoon repeats and the food he eats in the country

# He takes all manner of pills and piles up analyst bills in the country

# Oh, it's like an animal farm, lots of rural charm in the country

# Oh, he lives in a house, a very big house in the country

# He's got a fog in his chest so he needs a lot of rest in the country

# He doesn't drink, smoke, laugh, takes herbal baths in the country

# And she's come to no harm, not on an animal farm, in the country. #

Christmas pudding, yum-yum.

Can I have some more, please, sir?

And from Mockney to Cockney.

Gawd bless us, every one.

Aw, listen to that, Arthur. That's your actual Bow bells.

Listen to that. It's a disgrace in a public thoroughfare.

Should be reported to the noise abasement society.

Oh, do leave off. It's Christmas, innit? Time of good will.

Time to make a will, you mean.

I've only just got over £1.50 for the guy.

Used to be a penny in my day.

Yeah, well, Queen Victoria's dead, isn't she?

Now I suppose it's going to be GBH in the ear hole from carol singers.

Cor, cheer up, will you?

Cor, moan, moan, moan, that's all I ever get from you.

It's tough and it's lonely in top management.

Look, don't give me no earache. You don't even pay your rent.

I've got a lock-up with no lock on and it's snowing outside.

If you don't get her a present soon, there'll be nowhere to hide.

I've got a lovely furry coat. I could tell her it's mink.

Nah, she'd suss it's skunk. It don't half pen and ink.

-It don't!

-It do!

-How'd you know?

-I would.

-Here's a turn up for the book.

-What?

-Hold on, here comes Chisholm.

-He's giving me a funny look.

What now?

Sing. He don't know one carol from another.

# What'll I get for Christmas for 'er indoors?

I don't see that's my problem, really. In fact...

# Don't give me no problems because this one's yours

Oh...

What?

That's typical, right? You've no respect.

-You make me laugh, you do.

-Oh, Terrence, please.

-Look, just leave me out.

-After all I've done for you!

# What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?

Whatever I get is gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

Well, you've got four of them, haven't you?

Even you can afford one of them.

A typewriter with ribbons that was worn by Lady Di.

A lovely sirloin steak for when she whacks you in the eye.

-She wouldn't!

-She would!

-You'd know.

-How much?

-All right, I will concede.

But we're standing here with nothing and it's nearly Christmas Eve.

-So?

-Here, what about that perfume I purchased down the Winch?

You spilt it on the counter and it blistered every inch.

Oh, yeah. We could bottle it and call it The Elixir Of Life.

You do that, my son, and next year you'll need a new wife.

Yeah, that wouldn't be very nice, would it?

Well, it's not for me to comment.

# What'll I get for Christmas for 'er indoors?

I don't really care an awful lot.

# Don't give me no problems, cos this one's yours

There you go again.

-There I go again, eh?

-That's typical.

-Right!

-You've no respect.

-You make me laugh, you do.

-Oh, Terrence, please.

-Look, leave me out.

-After all I've done for you!

# What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?

-Money?

-Terrence...

Nah. Sorry about that. It's despicable.

I've got some lovely Hong Kong-made, genuine Paris knickers.

Yeah, she could wear them with that 14 pair of left-foot kickers.

Yves St Laurent, Chanel 5, I've gone right through the card.

-Here, what about that Cartier watch?

-No, fell off the lorry too hard.

-An iron.

-Leave off.

-Saucepan.

-Arthur!

I'll throw her a Tupperware party.

That's like getting a telly that only shows Russell Harty!

Oh, Terrence, this is serious. We've go to do something soon.

-Here, why don't you just not go home?

-Eh?

She'll be over the moon!

-That is very wounding, Terrence.

-Yeah.

-Wounding and ungrateful.

-I'm tired of the money you don't pay me.

-You do all right.

-Do I?

No thanks to you.

# What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?

-Money!

-Terrence...

-That's typical.

-Right.

-No respect.

-You make me laugh, you do.

-Oh, Terrence, please.

-Look, just leave me out of it.

After all I've done for you.

# What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?

I wish it was January 2nd.

# What are we gonna get for 'er indoors?

-Here, isn't that carol singing?

-Yeah, I wish he'd stop.

Come on, I've got a codge of army surplus Christmas puddings I want shifting. Come on.

Christmas!

Yes, a spirited attempt, lads.

But you're no Chas And Dave. Go on, gertcha!

Gawd blimey, what's going on here, then?

Ah-ha! The old Christmas itching powder in the leggings, eh?

# December will be magic again

# Take a husky to the ice

# While Bing Crosby sings White Christmas

# He makes you feel nice

# December will be magic again

# Old St Nicholas down the chimney

# Just a-popping up in my memory

# Oh, dropping down in my parachute

# The white city

# She is so beautiful

# Upon the black-soot icicled roofs

# Oh, and see how I fall

# Oh, see how I fall

# Oh, see how I fall

# Like the snow

# Come to cover the lovers

# But don't you wake them up

# Come to sparkle the dark up

# With a touch of make-up

# Come to cover the muck up

# Oh, with a little luck

# December will be magic again

# Light the candle lights

# To conjure Mr Wilde into the silent night

# Oh, it's quiet inside

# Here in Oscar's mind

# December will be magic again

# Don't miss the brightest star

# I want to hear you laugh

# Kiss under mistletoe

# Don't let the mystery go now

# Oh, dropping down in my parachute

# The white city

# She is so beautiful

# Upon the black-soot icicled roofs

# Oh, and see how I fall

# Oh, see how I fall

# Oh, see how I fall

# Like the snow

# Come to cover the lovers

# But don't you wake them up

# Come to sparkle the dark up

# With a touch of make-up

# Come to cover the muck up

# Oh, with a little luck

# December will be magic again. #

Ah, merry Christmas, Kate.

And thanks for the brilliant concerts this year.

Next, we encounter a pack of lively porcupines at play in the wild.

Watch out with that mic stand, Rod.

You nearly had Ronnie Lane's eye out there.

Yay!

Oh, yay!

Slow down!

Deep and dirty!

Oh, yeah.

# In the morning

# Don't say you love me

# Cos I'll only kick you out of the door

# I know your name is Rita

# Cos your perfume's smelling sweeter

# Since when I saw you down on my daddy's floor

Got it!

# I don't mean to tell ya

# That you look like a fella

# But you really shouldn't wear your hair that long

# Red lips, hair and fingernails

# I guess you're a mean old Jezebel

# Let's go upstairs and read my tarot cards

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# Cos tonight you're gonna stay with me

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# For tonight you're gonna stay with me

Take it away, Woody!

Oh, yeah.

# So in the morning

# Don't say you love me

# Cos you know I'll only kick you out the door

# I know your name is Rita

# Cos your perfume's smelling sweeter

# Since when I saw you there on my daddy's floor

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# Cos tonight you're gonna stay with me

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# Cos tonight you're gonna stay with me

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# Cos tonight you're gonna stay with me

One more!

# Stay with me

# Stay with me

# Cos tonight you're gonna stay with me

Oh, yeah!

# You better go get another man. #

Yeah, always looked like a lot of fun being in the Faces, didn't it?

RIP, Ian McClagan.

Paul McCartney now with a poignant reminder, should such be needed,

that this year marked the centenary of World War I.

And here recreated that famous event,

which was commemorated recently in a supermarket advert.

Yes. That seems fitting.

# I light a candle to our love

# In love our problems disappear

# But all in all we soon discover

# That one and one is all we long to hear

# All round the world

# Little children being born to the world

# Got to give them all we can

# Till the war is won

# Then will the work be done?

# Help them to learn

# Help them to learn

# Songs of joy instead of burn, baby, burn

# Burn, baby, burn

# Let us show them how to play the pipes of peace

# Play the pipes of peace

# Help me to learn

# Songs of joy instead of burn, baby, burn

# Won't you show me how to play

# How to play

# The pipes of peace

# Pipes of peace

# Play the pipes of peace

# What do you say?

# What do you say?

# Will the human race be run in a day?

# In a day

# Or will someone save this planet we're playing on?

# Is it the only one?

# What are we going to do?

# Help them to see

# Help them to see

# That the people here are like you and me

# Like you and me

# Let us show them how to play

# How to play

# The pipes of peace

# Pipes of peace

# Play the pipes of peace

# Oooh...

# I light a candle to our love

# In love our problems disappear

# But all in all we soon discover

# That one and one is all we long to hear. #

OK, bringing the mood up a bit now.

Having stopped at the golf outlet mall on the way to the studio

to pick up some new outfits, it's, erm...Oh, you know.

Jackson, they were called. There were five of them.

But what was the group called? It's on the tip of my tongue.

# He rocks in the treetops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin

# Rock, rock, rockin' robin

# Go, rockin' robin, cos we're really gonna rock it tonight... #

Hey!

# ..Every little swallow Every chickadee

# Every little bird in the tall oak tree

# The wise old owl The big black crow

# Flappin' their wings Singin' go, bird, go

# Rockin' robin

# Rock, rock

# Rockin' robin

# Go, rockin' robin, cos we're really gonna rock tonight... #

You got it, Tito.

# ..The pretty little raven at the birdman stand

# Taught him how to do the bop and it was grand

# He started goin' steady and bless my soul

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole

# He rocks in the treetops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Rockin' robin, hey!

# Rock, rock

# Rockin' robin

# Go, rockin' robin, cos we're really gonna rock it tonight

# The pretty little raven at the birdman stand

# Taught him how to do the bop and it was grand

# He started goin' steady and bless my soul

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole

# All day long, hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Rockin' robin

# Rock, rock

# Rockin' robin

# Go, rockin' robin, cos we're really gonna rock it tonight... #

Everybody, clap your hands. All right.

# ..Tweedily deedily dee

# Tweedily deedily dee Tweedily deedily dee

# Tweedily deedily dee Tweedily deedily dee

# Tweedily deedily dee

# Tweet, tweet. #

I've got it. The Five Jacksons. I knew I'd remember.

You're watching Christmas Top Of The Pops with me, Mark Radcliffe.

The Pretenders now with the answer to the question posed earlier -

who nicked Noddy Holder's hat out of the dressing room?

# He's gone 2,000 miles

# It's very far

# The snow is falling down

# Gets colder day by day

# I miss you

# The children will sing

# He'll be back at Christmas time

# In these frozen and silent nights

# Sometimes in a dream

# You appear

# Outside under the purple sky

# Diamonds in the snow

# Sparkle

# Our hearts were singing

# It felt like Christmas time

# 2,000 miles

# Is very far through the snow

# I'll think of you

# Wherever you go

# He's gone 2,000 miles

# It's very far

# The snow is falling down

# Gets colder day by day

# I miss you

# I can hear people singing

# It must be Christmas time

# I hear people singing

# It must be Christmas time. #

That is one of my favourite Christmas songs -

The Pretenders, and 2,000 miles through the snow

is, indeed, very far, as you say, Chrissie.

Mind you, if you've got a chunky four-wheel drive vehicle

and a reliable designated driver...

Ah, let's just stay at home this year, shall we?

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Once bitten and twice shy

# I keep my distance

# But you still catch my eye

# Tell me, baby, do you recognise me?

# Well, it's been a year It doesn't surprise me

# Happy Christmas

# I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying, I love you

# I meant it

# Now I know what a fool I've been

# But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Oh

# Oh, my baby

# A crowded room Friends with tired eyes

# I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice

# My God, I thought you were someone to rely on

# Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

# A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

# A man under cover but you tore me apart

# Ooh-hoo

# Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day you gave it away

# This year, to save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

# I gave you my heart. #

And that's what Christmases were like in the olden days, kids -

mullet hairstyles and meaningful looks at an alpine ski lodge.

Mind you, it's more fun than it was for Les Gray of Mud,

who was often lonely at Christmas. Well, yes, Les.

Ditch the creepy puppet and we might think about bobbing round.

That'd be my advice.

# Try to imagine a house that's not a home

# Try to imagine

# A Christmas all alone

# That's where I'll be since you left me

# My tears could melt the snow

# What can I do without you?

# I've got no place, no place to go

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold without you to hold

# This Christmas

# Each time I remember the day you went away

# And how I would listen to the things you had to say

# I just break down as I look around

# And the only things I see

# Are emptiness and loneliness

# And an unlit Christmas tree

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold without you to hold

# This Christmas... #

You remember last year when you and I were here?

We never thought there'd be an end.

And I remember looking at you.

And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us

because, darling, this is the time of year

that you really need love,

when it means so very, very much.

# ..It'll be lonely this Christmas... #

So it'll be lonely this Christmas...

# ..Without you to hold... #

..without you to hold.

# ..It'll be lonely this Christmas... #

It'll be so very lonely this Christmas.

# ..Lonely and cold... #

Lonely and cold.

# ..It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Without you to hold

# It'll be lonely this Christmas

# Lonely and cold

# It'll be cold, so cold without you to hold

# This Christmas. #

Merry Christmas, darling, wherever you are.

But now, working the old seasonal sports jacket

and one of Harry Hill's old shirts combo, it's Kurtis Blow.

# Don't you give me all that jive

# About things you wrote before I's alive

# Cos this ain't 1823 Ain't even 1970

# Now I'm the guy named Kurtis Blow

# And Christmas is one thing I know

# So every year just about this time I celebrate it with a rhyme

# About a red-suited dude with a friendly attitude

# And a sleigh full of goodies for the people on the block

# Got a long white beard Maybe looks kinda weird

# And if you ever see him he could give you quite a shock

# Now people let me tell ya about last year

# When the dude came flying over here

# Well, the hog was out Snow's on the ground

# Folks stayed in to party down

# The beat was thumping on the box and I was dancing in my socks

# And the drummer played at a solid pace

# And a taste of the bass was in my face

# And the guitar player laid down a heavy layer

# Of the funky, junky rhythm of the disco beat

# Check it out, New York

# And the guy with the 88s started to participate

# And I could sure appreciate a sound so sweet

# We were all in the mood so we had a little food

# And a joke and a smoke and a little bit of wine

# When I thought I heard a hoof on the top of the roof

# Could it be or was it me? I was feeling super fine

# So I went to the attic where I thought heard the static

# On the chance that the prance was somebody breaking in

# But the noise on the top was a reindeer clop

# Just to trick St Nick and I let the sucker in

# He was roly, he was poly

# And I said, holy moly!

# You got a lot of whiskers on your chinny-chin-chin

# I said, you're right It's cold tonight

# But can you stop for a drop before you go?

# He said, why not, if the music's hot?

# And I'll chance a dance beneath the mistletoe

# And before he went this fine old gent

# Brought a gift with a sift through his big red bags

# And the grownups got some presents, too

# A new TV and a stereo

# A new Seville about as blue as the sky

# The best that money couldn't buy

# Cos the dude in red's back at the Pole

# Up north where everything is cold

# But if he were right here tonight

# He'd say, merry Christmas and to all

# Get down, stop messing around when Kurtis Blow is in your town

# I'm Kurtis Blow on the microphone A place called Harlem was my home

# I was rocking one day and it started to shake

# It sounded to me like an earthquake

# I packed my bags, I said goodbye

# I kissed my woman and I started to fly

# I came to Earth by a meteorite to rock you all on the mic

# So just kick off your shoes Let your fingers pop

# Kurtis Blow is just about ready to rock

# Now the people in the back If you're not too whack, say...

# Don't stop the body rock!

# The people up the front If you want to bump, say...

# Don't stop the body rock!

# People in the middle If you want to wiggle, say...

# Don't stop the body rock!

# And the people on the side If you want to slide, say...

# Don't stop the body rock!

# Now a preacher or a teacher or an electrician

# A fighter or a writer or a politician

# But the man with the key to your ignition

# Kurtis Blow is competition

# Young ladies, shock the house

# Yes, the young ladies Rock shock the house

# See, a-just throw your hands in the air

# And wave them like you just don't care

# If you're really, really ready to rock this house this morning

# Somebody say, oh yeah

# Oh, yeah! #

Yes, a spirited attempt at audience participation

with a crowd who clearly had no idea

what they were supposed to be doing there.

Christmas in Scandinavia now, and look at the state of that guitar.

Bjorn's hoping for a new one this year.

And a decent anorak wouldn't go amiss, either.

# Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong

# You're enchained by your own sorrow

# In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow

# How I hate to see you like this

# There is no way you can deny it

# I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

# Chiquitita, tell me the truth

# I'm a shoulder you can cry on

# Your best friend

# I'm the one you must rely on

# You were always sure of yourself

# Now I see you've broken a feather

# I hope we can patch it up together

# Chiquitita, you and I know

# How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving

# You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end

# You will have no time for grieving

# Chiquitita, you and I cry

# But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you

# Let me hear you sing once more like you did before

# Sing a new song, Chiquitita

# Try once more like you did before

# Sing a new song, Chiquitita

# So the walls came tumbling down

# And your love's a blown-out candle

# All is gone and it seems too hard to handle

# Chiquitita, tell me the truth

# There is no way you can deny it

# I see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

# Chiquitita, you and I know

# How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving

# You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end

# You will have no time for grieving

# Chiquitita, you and I cry

# But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you

# Let me hear you sing once more like you did before

# Sing a new song, Chiquitita

# Try once more like you did before

# Sing a new song, Chiquitita

# Try once more like you did before

# Sing a new song, Chiquitita. #

Quite a party going on, eh(?) One glass of schnapps and a cup of tea on the old pub table.

Meanwhile, back in Walthamstow, the annual Christmas get-together

of the Ali G Appreciation Society's in full swing.

But once again, Brian's failed to find a cap big enough for his head.

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Don't you know we've come too far now

# Just to go and try to throw it all away?

# I've only just begun to know you

# All I can say is, won't you stay just one more day?

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Oh, won't you stay another day?

# I touch your face while you are sleeping

# And hold your hand Don't understand what's going on

# Good times we had return to haunt me

# Though it's for you all that I do seems to be wrong

# Stay now, stay now Stay now, stay now

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Oh, won't you stay another day?

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Oh, won't you stay another day? #

And that's what happens when too much bleach goes into the washing.

Back out on the slopes now,

and look out for some very inexpert skiing in the background

and poor Bobby - the only one without a fur coat

and having to stand around,

stamp his feet and jump around to keep warm,

which is the only explanation for moving around like a prat.

# She's crazy like a fool

# What about it, Daddy Cool?

# I'm crazy like a fool

# What about it, Daddy Cool?

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# She's crazy for the Daddy

# Oh, she believes in you

# She loves ya, Daddy

# She's crazy like a fool

# What about it, Daddy Cool?

# I'm crazy like a fool

# What about it, Daddy Cool?

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool... #

Daddy Cool. He's a snowman, see?

It's not too deep for you, this stuff, is it?

Next, one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time. What can I say that hasn't been said before?

# It was Christmas Eve, babe

# In the drunk tank

# An old man said to me

# Won't see another one

# Then he sang a song

# The Rare Old Mountain Dew

# I turned my face away

# And dreamed about you

# Got on a lucky one

# Came in 18 to 1

# I've got a feeling

# There's years for me and you

# So, happy Christmas

# I love you, baby

# I can see a better time

# When all our dreams come true

# They got cars, big as bars They got rivers of gold

# But the wind goes right through you, it's no place for the old

# When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve

# You promised me Broadway was waiting for me

# You were handsome,

# You were pretty Queen of New York City

# When the band finished playing They howled out for more

# Sinatra was swinging All the drunks, they were singing

# We kissed on a corner then danced through the night

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Were singing Galway Bay

# And the bells were ringing out

# For Christmas Day

-# You're a bum, you're a punk

-You're an old slut on junk

# Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

# You scumbag, you maggot You cheap, lousy faggot,

# Happy Christmas, you ass I pray to God it's our last

# And the boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells were ringing out

# For Christmas Day

# I could have been someone

# Well, so could anyone

# You took my dreams from me

# When I first found you

# I kept them with me, babe

# I put them with my own

# Can't make it all alone

# I've built my dreams around you

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day... #

Forever a favourite - the Pogues with the late Kirsty MacColl.

And here's someone else who passed away just this year.

It's Alvin Stardust in his trademark outfit. And talking of outfits,

wait till you see the band.

Evidently, it's not just hen parties who get horrible cheap

matching pink T-shirts.

# Coo, coo, I just want you

# I really love the things that you do

# Come on, love me too

# Won't you be my coo ca choo?

# Sweetness, I like your dress

# I love the way you know you're the best

# I'm in love and I'm in a mess

# I really want you, coo ca choo

# Love you, yes, I love ya Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want you, yes, I want ya Yes, I really do want you

# Tom cat, you know where it's at

# Come on, let's go to my flat

# Lay down and groove on the mat

# You can be my coo ca choo

# Chains, chains, I'm all in chains

# Your love will drive me insane

# Come on, let's do it again

# Won't you be my coo ca choo?

# I love ya, yes, I love ya Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want you, yes, I want you yes, I really do want you

# I love ya, yes, I love ya, Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want ya, yes, I want ya Yes, I really do

# Night time's a lonely time

# When you're gone I'm starting to cry

# But you know that you're on my mind

# Oh, honey, be my coo ca choo

# Do, do you love me too?

# Will I smile or will I be blue?

# Am I mad? I'm hung up on you

# Honey, be my coo ca choo

# So honey, be my coo ca choo

# I love ya, yes, I love ya Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want ya, yes, I want ya Yes, I want my coo ca

# I love ya, yes, I love ya Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want ya, yes, I want ya Yes, I want my coo ca

# I need ya, yes, I need ya Yes, I need my coo ca

# I love ya, yes, I love ya Yes, I love my coo ca

# I want ya, yes, I want ya Yes, I want my coo ca

# I love ya, yes, I love ya Yes, I want my coo ca. #

Farewell, then, Alvin Stardust. Sam Smith next.

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Let your heart be light

# From now on

# Your troubles will be out of sight

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Make the yuletide gay

# From now on

# Your troubles will be miles away

# Here we are as in olden days

# Happy golden days of yore

# Faithful friends who are dear to us

# Gather near to us once more

# Through the years

# We all will be together

# If the fates allow

# Hang a shining star upon the highest bough

# So have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# So have yourself a merry little Christmas

# So have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Now. #

And after singing, Sam turned the light off, bolted the door,

and toddled off home with his little quiff sagging in the snow.

Still, at least he will be home for Christmas,

which is more than you can say for this fellow.

# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here

# To say we're doing splendidly

# But it's very cold out here in the snow

# Marching to and from the enemy

# Oh, I say it's tough I have had enough

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# I have had to fight almost every night

# Down throughout these centuries

# That is when I say Oh yes, yet again

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# In the nuclear fallout zone

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Dub a dub a dum dum Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dum dum dub a dub Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dub a dum dum Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dum dum dub a dub Dub a dub a dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Bang, that's another bomb on another town

# While the Tsar and Jim have tea

# If I get home Live to tell the tale

# I'll run for all presidencies

# If I get elected, I'll stop

# I will stop the cavalry

# Dub a dub a dum dum Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dum dum dub a dub Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dub a dum dum Dub a dub a dum

# Dub a dum dum dub a dub Dub a dub a dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# She's been waiting two years long

# Wish I was at home for Christmas... #

A chance to have a look at some snaps from the exclusive

Lennon family album soon, here on your seasonal shopping channel.

But first, have a look at these lovely luxury festive baubles,

just 30p a dozen.

But hurry - we are down to our last 12 shipping containers.

Happy Christmas, Yoko. Happy Christmas, Julian.

# So, this is Christmas

# And what have you done?

# Another year over

# And a new one just begun

# And so this is Christmas

# I hope you have fun

# The near and the dear ones

# The old and the young

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# And so this is Christmas

-War is over

-# For weak and for strong

-If you want it

-# For rich and the poor ones

-War is over

-# The road is so long

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# For black and for white

-If you want it

-# For yellow and red ones

-War is over

-# Let's stop all the fight

-Now

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# So this is Christmas

-War is over

-# And what have we done?

-If you want it

-# Another year over

-War is over

-# And a new one just begun

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# We hope you have fun

-If you want it

-# The near and the dear ones

-War is over

-# The old and the young

-Now

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

# War is over

# If you want it

# War is over. #

Yes, happy Christmas but, sad to say, war isn't over.

But on a cheerier note, this programme nearly is

and I'm off to the pub for an egg nog.

Now, they re-recorded this recently but let's have a look at some of the ghosts of Christmas past.

# It's Christmas time

# There's no need to be afraid

# At Christmas time

# We let in light and we banish shade

# And in our world of plenty

# We can spread a smile of joy

# Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time

# But say a prayer

# To pray for the other ones

# At Christmas time

# It's hard but when you're having fun

# There's a world outside your window

# And it's a world of dread and fear

# Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

# And the Christmas bells that ring there

# Are the clanging chimes of doom

# Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you

# And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time

# The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

# Oh, where nothing ever grows No rain or rivers flow

# Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

# Here's to you Raise a glass for everyone

# Here's to them Underneath that burning sun

# Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

# Feed the world

# Let them know it's Christmas time

# Feed the world. #

OK. Well, that's it, except for one song.

We've had Shane and Kirsty - check. Noddy and Slade - check.

Must be time for Woody, then. No show without punch.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas

# When you're skating in the park

# If the snow cloud makes it dark

# Then your rosy cheeks are gonna light my merry way

# Now the frosty paws appear

# And they've frozen up my ear

# So we'll lie by the fire

# Till the sleet simply knocks 'em all the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas

-# When the snow man brings the snow

-Snowman brings the snow

-# Well, he just might like to know

-Just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

-# So if Santa brings that sleigh

-Santa brings that sleigh

-# Along the milky way

-Along the milky way

# I'll sign my name on the rooftop in the snow

# Then he may decide to stay

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas. #

OK, you lot. Take it!

# ..Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Christmas Day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas.

# Why don't you give your love

# For Christmas? #