17/10/2013 This Week

As the BBC decides to reinvent a children's TV classic, the Clangers,

This Week presents the Political Clangers.

Clangers were small creatures living in harmony on a planet far, far

away. Back on Earth, political creatures are failing to help

children from poor families climb the social ladder? Author and former

speech writer to Tony Blair, Philip Jones, thinks politicians are

wasting their time trying to change things. Politicians and journalists

are obsessed with social mobility but changing it is completely out of

their hands. Not much Clanger harmony in

Westminster, with a power struggle between the police and Parliament.

Sky News Political Editor, Adam Boulton, thinks this is a difficult

problem to solve. Leaving Andrew Mitchell to stew, why did Boris and

George Chase the soup Dragon to China?

And as one TV classic is due to return to our screens, we look at

how you gain classic status. Broadcasting classic Nicholas

Parsons will be with us in "just a minute". I would like to say,

without hesitation, repetition or deviation what a joy and a pleasure

it is to be on with the incomparable Andrew Neil, the best late-night

show on television. Don't worry, we'll be dropping a few

clangers tonight. Evenin' all. Welcome to This Week, a

Red Cross food parcel for the politically malnourished. Now,

flip-flops are a common currency in Westminster - on tuition fees, on

pasty taxes, most commonly on the feet of Lib Dem activists. Labour

had an attack of the flip-flops this week, with wobbles on free schools

and welfare. But by far the most significant was Ed Miliband's

surprise reversal of policy on former This Week pundits. One minute

Diane Abbott's living a life of blameless obscurity as junior public

health spokesman, the next she's summoned to the Leader's yurt to be

bluntly told, "It's not me, Diane. It's you. You are the weakest link.

Goodbye". It was only then it dawned cruelly on Diane a truth the rest of

us had known for years, that her political career was destined to end

on a Blue Nun-stained purple sofa. With all the reliability of a Police

Federation spokesman, Diane got her version in first, claiming Ed had to

sack her because she was just too damn off-message to handle, as

opposed to an invisible shadow minister with no message whatsoever.

Not any longer. Here tonight, to spill the beans on three

sadomasochistic years in the political wilderness, Labour's very

own Mistress Pain, with secrets to tell and compromising photographs of

Ed Balls to sell, back by absolutely no public demand whatsoever, in the

bosom of her dysfunctional family #hackneyneet Diane Abbott and

#sadmanonatrain Michael "Choo Choo" Portillo. Your moment of the week,

other than the return of Diane? That is the moment of the week. I suppose

the compromise reached in Washington, which means we have

averted the disaster. They will have to do it again, but they are

obviously not going to default on their debt obligations. The

Republicans made a terrible hash of this. They managed to take all the

blame upon themselves. It has been a political catastrophe for them.

Obama was in a weakened position, particularly after Syria. They have

put him back in a stronger position, so a real mess. But I

would like to say on the half of the Republicans that the debt ceiling in

the United States is $17 trillion. American national production for the

year is also $17 trillion, so 100% of GDP is the federal deficit. This

is fundamentally an American. America is supposed to be about

small government and small state. The debt ceiling at the moment is

monstrous. But the debt ceiling is coming down more quickly than ours.

Yes, and ours is the largest in the European Union. Diane, your moment

of the week? My moment of the year was, as they say, stepping down by

mutual agreement to spend more time with my children. Only I only have

one child, he is 21 and the less cc of me the better. So that reason

worked! I have never been involved in a reshuffle before and I realised

everyone is unhappy after a reshuffle. Everyone wanted to be

promoted, wanted another job, so presumably that is why Cameron does

not want to do them. Mr Blair did far too many. Good to have you back.

Now, you could say our current Cabinet are the clotted cream of

politics, rich and thick. Boom boom! And there's nothing those "posh boys

who don't know the price of dairy products" like to talk about more

than helping the less fortunate get on in life. They call it social

mobility. So when it comes to moving up the social pecking order, can

politicians really make a difference? We turned to Times

journalist and former Tony Blair speech writer Philip Collins. This

is his take of the week. Another week, another report on

social mobility. As Tony Blair's former speech writer, I know why

politicians like the idea of social mobility. Every parent wants their

child to do better than they have done. But it is such a difficult

thing for politicians to achieve. In a century of trying, we have made no

progress at all. Higher educational standards, less poverty, better

childcare, all important thing is done under the name of social

mobility, but there is no evidence they make a difference to the

ability of working-class kids to climb the scale. Education is always

seen as the key to social mobility but I can't think of a single

educational reform that is made much difference. Not one. There is the

myth that grammar schools really pushed social mobility but all they

did really was put Michael Portillo, Diane Abbott and Andrew Neill in a

TV studio together. There is no evidence they did much more than

that. Comprehensive schools did even less. And the idea that free schools

will make a difference is a fond delusion. Even the pupil premium

will really make no difference. Or drink coffee in a greasy spoon. If

that is not social mobility, I do not know what is. But what caused

social mobility? The jobs market. Britain went from a blue-collar

society to a white-collar society, creating more jobs for managers,

lawyers, accountants. In a generation, a group of the border

would have walked through the factory gate suddenly walked through

the office door. -- a group of people.

Politicians love the sort of social mobility where everyone is going

up, but if they were honest it is not just about a rag is to riches

story. Some people have to go down, too. The dull child of middle-class

parents will have to go down the ladder if we are to have real social

mobility. As Gore Vidal once said of his friends, it is not enough that I

should succeed, others must fail. And that is not a vote winner.

And from the Turk's Head cafe in Wapping to our own little greasy

spoon here in the heart of Westminster, Phil joins us now.

Welcome to the programme. So the huge boost in post-war social

mobility that we lived through, it never happened, and we imagined it?

It happened, but it was not caused by education policy. The economy

changed shape. Suddenly we had more service sector jobs. We went from a

manufacturing economy to a service economy. That is true, but without

education, people could not have stepped into those jobs. Had I left

school at 14, like my mum and dad, I could not have gone up the ladder.

You are saying education did not make a difference. I did not. I

think it did make a difference. Imagine you run a race in 1900 and

then you run it again a century later. Everybody runs faster but the

outcome is the same. Of course people have got cleverer and more

prosperous. People have had access to university education which their

parents did not have. That is the difference. All of that is obviously

true but does not make it because of social mobility. The universities

were expanded and the middle-class colonised it. The expansion of

universities was the colonisation by that a la middle-class. I may be

dull but my family was not middle-class. Looking at the history

of people I know, it was the history of access to education and made it

possible for them to access jobs their parents could not have dreamt

of all stop that is social mobility. I objected to the first sentence

where you said every child wants his child to do better than he did. This

is simply not true any more. That is the fundamental problem. In this

country, so many parents and children no longer see education as

a way out of their predicament of property. In developing countries,

by and large, that is what parents and children universally accept,

that education is the ladder to get out of their predicament. If your

first sentence were true, we would have a much smaller problem. We are

approaching a moment when all of a sudden that idea that you are going

to do that than your parents is going to be more difficult. In the

20th century, we had a lot of different jobs. If we are not

creating more official jobs, more room at the top, which caused social

mobility, has stopped. At that point, it is makes and ladders. For

everyone who goes up, someone has to come down. We are on the eve of a

period where information technology is going to be able to replace vast

numbers of white-collar jobs. That will be the next revolution. You are

right to say that the coming generation will not necessarily have

it as easy as their parents, for all sorts of reasons. But the idea that

growth is a 0-sum game, if there is more growth in one part of the

economy there is less in another, that is clearly wrong. That is

economic illiteracy. There is not one lump of growth. Neither is it

relevant to what I said because it was not the point. The point is that

unless the economy produces more jobs in the higher echelons, there

are a finite number of positions. You also said that politicians could

not do much about it. If you get Sweden, Finland, Germany, they are

more socially mobile because they give kids from ordinary backgrounds

a better education. If politicians can make a difference, if they get

the right policies. They are a bit more socially mobile, not much more,

given -- given how different their social policy regime is. The really

interesting thing is how closely grouped countries are with social

mobility. There is not much difference. I am not saying

politicians can make no difference at all. It sounded like it. But not

much. The more equal a society is, the more social mobility you have.

And equality is something that policies can affect. That is true.

There are two ways to measure it. In some cases, some of the data that

you are citing with Sweden and Finland, what they are measuring is

mobility on the income scale. So to say they are equal societies and

socially mobile is in fact the same thing. We are talking about

occupational groups, quite different. This country, in 50

years, has changed enormously. Even though today's Tory party is led by

an old Etonian, for a long while it was not. It had a grammar school,

state school kid, leader after leader. Even with an old Etonian at

the head, it is unrecognisable from the Tory party of 50 years ago. The

country is completely different. That is an element of social

mobility. A TV programme like this in 1959 with people like us doing it

would be inconceivable. You seem to think I am denying that has happened

and I am not. These days, about 45% of the economy are in the

professional managerial sector. 100 years ago that was 18%. You had a

huge growth of that sector. Of course, some of those jobs have been

taken by people who began their lives as working class. But if you

look back 100 years, the chances of ending up at middle-class, you are

15 times more likely to do that if you are born middle-class than if

you were working class. The odds are the same today. I do not think your

thesis makes sense. You are not comparing like with like. We have

moved from an industrial society to an information society. The old

well-paid blue-collar jobs have gone. They were often the parents,

who had not had great educational opportunities themselves, but they

cared about education and the unions often encouraged them. They wanted

opportunities for their kids. Today, in an age of white-collar jobs, to

be in a middle-class background seems to give a big advantage than

ever before. And the middle classes are getting bigger. This is also a

cultural change. People that one would have regarded as being working

class until quite recently are now restaurant goers, wine bar goers.

They read novels. All of this is undergoing a very great change. But

I do think there is a group of people entirely outside this

experience. Kids who are growing up, atypical case of their parents

not having jobs, they don't have jobs. They have no sense of the

value of education. That is an issue but I think society has got less

socially mobile. If I look at the things I am familiar with, politics,

journalism, even the law, the middle classes are back. It is like they

never went away. It is all about who you know, which it was not when I

first came to the workforce. I think there is great social mobility in

the immigrant population. -- people can come to the UK and make great

successes of their lives. This will be a feature of the future, because

with the growing economy and with the eurozone in the mess that it is

in, we will see so many people seeking work here. If a society

becomes too unequal, social mobility becomes very different. The purpose

of social mobility is a mesh to being sill, if the gap is too big to

begin with, it's harder? That is right. That has happened. If you

have further to travel, it's much more difficult to do that. The

essential point remains it's the structure of the economy which has

been the pivotal thing. That has been far more important in creating

social mobility than any single social policy. Feel lucky to be born

in the 50s Oh, gosh yes. We wouldn't have been sitting here if we were

born 20 years later. You were in the mix of that big change. We were born

into a golden age. How does it feel to be the only non-socially mobile

person in our studio? You don't know my background. No, but I do know how

to tease you. Yes. It may be late, but thanks to that

nice man, Ed Miliband, Diane doesn't need to be up for work in the

morning any more. Pour yourself another jam jar of

Blue Nun and stay up with us because waiting in the wings, from Norwich,

actor and presenter Nicholas Parsons is here to tell us how you achieve

'classic status'. Apparently, we're interested in your

views, at least that's what it says here.

Please share your darkest fantasies on the twitter, the fleecebook and

the interweb. UK exports to China are pretty

underwhelming they are increasing and that didn't change this week

with the arrival of Boy George and BoJo in the People's Republic.

Boy George dragged photographers half way round the world to pose in

a high viz vest in front of a nuclear power plant and claimed

allowing the Chinese to build one in Britain would mean lower bills for

all, at least for our grandchildren. This government doesn't believe in

nationalised industries unless they're owned by the Chinese or the

French. Back in the real world, British Gas

was raising prices by 10%! After that rise in energy costs we

couldn't afford the Chancellor's Far East photo call so we sent Sky News'

political editor to London's China Town instead for his round up of the

political week. In this year of the Snake the would

be next leaders of the Conservative Party have been on competitive

visits to China. Partly because Boris Johnson and George Osborne

want to prepare the way for David Cameron, who had his invitation

withdrawn after meeting the Dalai Lama. Mainly, because we are hungry

for Chinese cake. There are some in the west who see China growing and

they are nervous. They think of the world as a cake and the bigger the

slice that China takes, the smaller the slice that they will get. I

totally and utterly reject this pessimistic view. If we make the

whole cake bigger, then all our peoples will benefit. Now, unlike

the London Mayor or the Government, the This Week budget doesn't stretch

to return flights to Shanghai. We have come to London's China Town

what better place than explore the looming gap between the poll lit

bureau and the security apparatus. I'm talking about the British

Government, the British police and Andrew Mitchell. You are a good luck

charm. Mr Mitchell had to resign as chief chip and from the Cabinet

after some police said he had called them "plebs" this week members of

the Independent Police Complaints Commission said some of the police

evidence was questionable. The evidence indicates an issue of

honesty and integrity not merely naive and poor professional

judgment. The first o to support Andrew Mitchell now was the Home

Secretary, Theresa May. I have to say, that in my personal view, in

view of the statement that has been made by the IPCC today, I think it's

wrong of West Mercia not to take disciplinary proceedings against

these officers. In a sign the central committee might not be so

all powerful, mid level brurcrats on the police commission remain

defiant. There was a thorough investigation, supervised by the

IPCC, which was then the results of which were put to three senior

officers, in three different force, who came to the conclusion on the

facts and legal advice there was no case for levying any disciplinary

action. Andrew Mitchell seems well now on the road to rehabilitation.

For the rest, PMQs was a clash between the Cameron revisionists and

the red Ed Miliband, it was put into place by the veteran of the long

march as he tore into the benefits system. The farmer and a butcher

went to ats to in December 2012 and was stripped of his benefit. For 11

months he waited for an appeal. Then his aggressive cancer took his

sight, took his hearing and then, last Friday, took his life. Isn't it

time that we put an end to this system where people that are really

suffering should not be allowed an appeal having to live on ?70 a week?

He rightly raises what is clearly a sad case. Everyone who has

constituency surgeries know that is. We have to improve the quality of

decision-making about this issue. Where I would take issue with him,

it's important that we carry out proper assessments of whether people

are qualified for benefits or are not qualified for benefits. For once

David Cameron remembered that rule number one in China is venge rate

your elders. Moving quickly from east to west this week, the American

Congress agreed a last-minute deal to avert financial disaster, restart

government services and to lift the debt ceiling. That should please the

Chinese, who own most of the debt. Here, the British Government was

caught on the hop again by Emmanus's energy price freeze promise. When

British Gas put up its prices. Two years ago the accountancy firm BDO

warned that the big six energy companies could be under reporting

their profits and they recommended tighter rules. The Government and

Ofgem failed to act. We are pushing competition. I would urge customers

of British Gas who are unhappy to change their supplier. It was enter

the dragon into the British Energy market as George Osborne gave the

green light for China to invest in the next generation of British

nuclear power stations. It seems certain David Cameron will

soon be getting his own invitation to the Forbidden City, unless the

security crats stitch him up. But then, it doesn't matter if you

travel slowly, provided you don't stop. Boris and George, auto please

note. You are very tight. That is life in Westminster. The police are

coming out of this plebgate affair, they couldn't come out of it worse,

could they? They have come out of it badly. Some people might say, if

this is what police do when they want to fit up Tory Cabinet members

what do they do to a hapless black youth? I wouldn't say that. I think

you did. We haven't got to the main meal yet, which is what happened

outside the gates in Downing Street. That is yet to unravel? No. It's

very damaging for their reputation. People who have always had

confidence in the Metropolitan Police are going to be thinking,

well, what really goes on? It's not just the Metropolitan Police these

officers are from West Mercia. That is true. This meeting in Bird, we

would not have known if Andrew Mitchell hadn't taped, what we have

seen of the Channel 4 investigation of what happened outside Downing

Street, it looks like we are heading for a conclusion, whether there were

elements of the police, and the Police Federation, at a time when

the Government was trying to reform the police in the way they didn't

like, they decided to stitch up, fit up in the old Sweeney language, a

Cabinet Minister? That's... If we had written a script about that, the

BBC would have said, that doesn't happen here? They almost got away

with it, actually. It's bizarre. It is so undermining because, not only

does it mean possibly the police are lying, the wrong people are going to

prison. It means that people who should go to prison will not go to

prison. Juries will not be believing policemen. The policemen who lived

in this case will be back in court next week giving evidence in

criminal cases. I was looking back. The mens mens mens case, Ian

Tomlinson case at the G20 demonstrations. The Hillsborough

inquiry. Worst of all. Over many years. There is a real pattern there

is a section of the police prepared just to lie? I think it's really

fundamental, as Michael says, trust in the police without that the

criminal justice system can't function at all. It's very, very

destabilising for a population, like ours, which is is it is actually

used to having faith in it is police force. Indeed. We were brought up to

think we had the best police force in the world? Absolutely. If you

want to know the time, ask a policeman. Hillsborough is the

worst, you are right to point it out. The calibre of the policemen

you deal with are better. There are bad practices still flourishing.

Andrew Mitchell has had the biggest reversal in his reputation since the

miscarriage over the case at the... It was the Drafis case I was

thinking to. We haven't sent Mr Mitchell to a horrible island. It

has been raised who should apologise to Andrew Mitchell, the whole of

Westminster... The Prime Minister should apologise. The Prime

Minister, the rest of the media should apologise as well as the

police. We all just assumed that was it, his reputation had gone. We

didn't per sum. Mr Portillo said it didn't... Stack up. I heard him use

that word in private conversation. I did not believe he could have used

it, the pleb word, I didn't believe he could have used it at the gates.

You heard him use it in private? I think I did. Not in a bad context.

It's going against Andrew Mitchell again. It's all going wrong! Some

policemen thought that a word that people believe Andrew Mitchell might

have used, but not in that context. He was a good development secretary,

those who are in favour of international aid thought, so we

were sad to see his downfall for that reason. Anybody can be a good

development agent if you are doubling the amount of money you are

getting. You cynic. Energy prices. We saw Ed Davey visibly angry at the

rise in British Gas prices. Why he should be surprised, he may have

been angry, I don't see this coalition coming out with anything

to match Labour's energy price freeze? It's a terrible political

fix they are in with this. They keep trying to point out that Emmanus's

wheeze won't work and that it's a con, actually what they have is they

are in charge of a market that is supposed to be competitive, but it

doesn't compete in any functional way in the interests of the

consumer. There are two... There are two things going on. To make things

worse for the coalition, some energy company puts their money up. It was

funny. I went to conference, at the beginning of conference everyone was

downbeat. We had a bad summer. Then the energy price freeze, then

Emmanus's -- Ed Miliband's fight with the Mayor put us in a really

good place. Extraordinary. Politics is up-and-down. Not in the opinion

polls. Labour ten ahead, neck and neck. It may be self-denial that we

should ignore polls. Micro economic numbers are better, ordinary people

don't feel better off. There is an expression, feed them louder, so

wait and see. If it looks angry with the energy companies every time they

put up their price that is seems to put Ed Miliband in the right. If you

are angry with him - What should they do? The reason it will come

back in the end for Ed Miliband is that the policy is to redibth louse

that if the press get their act together and every time they

interview Ed Miliband they say, tell us exactly how this will work? What

will you do after 20 months? What are they allowed to do before and

afterwards? The policy will unravel. What should Government do, Michael?

You don't know. They should wait for Ed Miliband to get his come uppence.

Which I think he will. There is something hypocritical

about politicians in all three parties ganging up on energy

companies while they are agreeing to green levies which are going to

involve huge increases in the price of energy in years to come. We are

on the brink of agreeing one with EDF and the Chinese, in which we

will sign up to them getting twice the market rate for electricity than

is current, and we will all pay for it in our bills. And the offshore

wind, they will get three times. All of that is reflected in the bills.

But there is an important policy imperative behind it, which is

energy security. We have two ensure that in future the country has

access to these different sources of energy, because we do not know how

things will develop. We have to back each horse in the energy race

because we do not know which will be the winner. The policy in the

short-term is one of energy insecurity. It is about closing

plant very fast and opening plant very slowly. We are told by the year

2015 we will have a 2% margin of electricity supply. By the way, I

agree with you. I read the other day that we are each paying ?180 a year

for green policies. It will be closer to ?250 by 2020 in today's

prices. It is not currently the larger portion of price rises. It is

10% of the bill, which is a big chunk for families on average income

to have to take. And it is all set to arise. Every one of these levies

gets higher. Some of these levies are also to do with subsidising the

fuel bills of the very poor. Because their fuel bills are higher in the

first place. You can argue about whether the charges should be put on

bills will be funded through taxation, which seems to be

something which is rising. Michael, we do not like nationalised

industries in our energy unless they are French nationalised industries,

or Chinese nationalised industries bringing to say technology which 50

years ago this country led the world, peaceful generation of

nuclear power. We can only have led it for a year or two. Our nuclear

industry was pretty disastrous. We went to advanced Gaskill reactors

which were failures. Now we have to import technology, pressurised water

reactors, developed in the United States. The EDF technology is

different and they are building two reactors, one in Finland, one in

France. They are about eight years behind and two times over budget.

Your nostalgia for the British lead is out of date. All predictions

about the energy market turn out to be wrong. We thought 30 years ago we

will be abandoning coal but we're not doing anything of the kind. We

are closing every coal station in the country. Every growing economy

is relying on coal. Now, it was announced this week that

Waitrose, the former supermarket of choice for the squeezed middle, is

to start selling bone marrow once again, believing old recipes that

have fallen out of favour and don't appeal to modern tastes are

deserving of a comeback in austerity Britain. I think I know what they

mean. So we've decided to put classics in This Week's spotlight.

Maurice C's autobiography is out, and the ray of sunshine's life story

is ready considered a modern, literally, with the book published

today as a Penguin classic. That is an honour usually reserved for the

likes of Oscar Wilde. Can he be granted such distinction before

anybody has read it? The winner of the Booker prize will be hoping her

book obtains similar status. But should this privilege be conferred

by experts, rather than the public? I would like to thank the man Booker

prize and the judging panel for considering my work alongside the

work of such wonderful and important writers. The return of classic TV

shows certainly would not happen without public approval, but perhaps

it is nostalgia as much as anything that dictates our fondness for

childhood memories. So what are the requirements of a classic and who

gets to decide. At the end of the day, is it about popularity,

quality, or both? If that is the case, where is our BAFTA? There

really is no justice in the world. No justice at all. None. Zero.

I did not think they were going to keep in that last bit. That was just

a joke. We have a man with classic status with us. Nicholas Parsons.

You have classic status. No one is going to argue with that. Is it not

a bit mad that they book should come out as a classic before anybody has

read it? I think so, because a classic as to achieve longevity.

Take the programme I do on radio four, Just A Minute. When it started

it was a disaster and they did not even want a series. We got the first

series and over the years we have worked at it and Holland it, applied

our creative interest and so forth, and turned it into a very long

running show, running for 46 years. Before Michael was born! You can say

it is a successful show, but because of its longevity, you can probably

say it is a classic. It has earned its classic status, like the great

authors. You have to earn it. And he has not earned it. He has earned

lots, but not for the book. Unlike for a radio programme. I think it is

extraordinary Egypt as that used one to have your new work published as a

Penguin classic. -- extraordinary egotism. And humility is something

you know a lot about. You are the one who called herself humbler the

start of the programme! You talk of a classic dish, but you do not make

a new dish and say, this is a classic. A dish that has been going

for a long time as a classic. I would suggest that a classic needs

two qualities. It has to be of sufficient quality, but it also has

to have a certain popularity as well. It has to be popular as well.

I gave the example of Just A Minute, but it is popular and it has been

going so long it can be called a classic. I am sure there are other

examples of that as well. The judges in the Booker prize cannot alone

decide what is a classic. They can choose a winner but it does not make

it a classic. Absolutely not. Some of the winners have become classics

because it has been going for a long time. But they would never claim

they were manufacturing classics. Not at all. I just want to say that

I am not easily impressed but I am so impressed to be on the programme

with Nicholas Parsons. I remember you in the Arthur Haynes show. Just

A Minute is one of my favourite programmes. When someone is charming

and attractive as users that to me... No, no, I have had it! The

Arthur Haynes show started as a disaster but we turned into a

success. It is Robbie called a classic. I don't know. That

established me as a name with the general public. You are the first

person she has not savaged all been rude to. That was a classic piece of

licking up to a national institution. I have never been

called an institution before. Some people say, he should be in an

institution. That was classic television from Diane. We will never

see that again. Sometimes the memory plays tricks and things we thought

were classics, you see them again and you think, did I really think

that was so good. Well, it was a classic at the time but then it

falls out of favour. Things do have fashions, don't they? There is such

a thing as a fashionable show, and it has run long enough to be called

a classic. This show has been going so long now we could say that it is

a classic television show. Almost there, just another 50 years. We

have not been going for a court of the time that your show has been

going but we are working towards it. -- a quarter. It is a unique record.

I did not want the job to begin with. I was going to be on the

panel, but the chairman they asked was never available so they asked me

to do the pilot. He mysteriously got lost on the way to the first

programme. You sent him the map! The producer said, you do the pilot and

if we get the series we will put you back on the panel. Afterwards, they

did not want it but the BBC hierarchy said the only thing we

liked was Nicholas Parsons chairmanship. Because it is you, it

is a while since we had a quiz. Now, it's been a while since the

This Week Quiz saw the light of day. Too many delicate egos to bruise.

It is not a quiz but a game, because Just A Minute is a game. You had to

speak without hesitation, repetition or deviation, which is very

difficult. I have been asked to do this with you. I will give you a

subject, one close to your heart, trains. Can you talk without

hesitation, repetition or deviation for as many seconds as you can? On

trains, starting now. I like to go to the station and buy myself a

ticket from a machine. I place coins into the machine. Repetition, but

carry on. I am out. And I get my... Hesitation, but carry on. I go onto

the platform and open the door and I board the train. I find myself a

seat. Above me, there are racks in which I can put my luggage. Today, I

have no suitcase so I am able to avoid that particular stage. Excuse

me, I am losing the will to live. We do let them get away with things,

but he did repeat suitcase, and go. Diane, we have something for you.

Without hesitation, repetition, deviation, I have also been asked to

say, would you try to do this without lying or sucking up. I would

never say that in my show, but this is a political show. You have as

many seconds as you want. Would you tell us something, in your own

words, why Ed Miliband is a wonderful leader? Ralph Miliband's

younger son is truly remarkable. There are many reasons why he stands

out as one of the great politicians of the 20th century. There is his

dark, bog brush hair, with a little streak of white on it. Hesitation.

The whole thing was a hesitation. Also deviation, it is the

21st-century. You were so clever because you decided to speak slowly.

With measured tones you do not hesitate quite so often. She has

never spoken slowly before. Thank you for being with us tonight. It

has been a joy, as always. That's your lot for tonight, folks.

But not for us, because we're off to Annabel's to help Diane drink her

redundancy package and help a tired and emotional Sally Bercow hail a

taxi. And so we leave you tonight with a gentle warning to Eleanor

Laing, the newly elected Deputy Speaker of the House of Commons.

Nighty-night, Eleanor, don't let your new boss ankle bite.