Islam, Women and Me


Islam, Women and Me

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Being a Muslim woman in Britain isn't easy.

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Sometimes it feels like everyone has an opinion

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on how you should live your life.

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On Instagram, every day, there will be someone who will comment

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and say, "Oh, you're this, that and the other,

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"because you don't wear a hijab."

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My name is Mehreen Baig, I'm 28, unmarried, and a Muslim.

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-Mehreen.

-Yes?

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You've been upstairs all day.

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I want you downstairs now to eat with me.

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Now, I'm at a crossroads, struggling for independence from my parents...

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My profile is complete.

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..and anxious about the prospects of marriage.

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I'm looking for someone who's not going to try

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and act like my third parent.

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-I don't know what you fancy...

-I don't mind, actually.

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..besides me. I'm joking!

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That's not a bad starter.

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But what does my religion really say

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about my rights as a woman?

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The wife must obey her husband.

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In this programme, I'm going to meet some women who can all tell me

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something different about the struggle to balance being a modern

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British woman and a Muslim.

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I thought I knew what makes a good Muslim woman.

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I don't even know any more.

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And I hope they can help me resolve some of the dilemmas I'm facing.

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You moved out of home and live by yourself?

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-Yeah.

-That's amazing.

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I wouldn't... I'm not allowed to do that.

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See, but that... But, like, that's a cultural thing.

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Can I be a strong, independent woman and a good Muslim?

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Or does Islam not give me that right?

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This programme contains some strong language.

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I think of myself as a modern, career-focused woman.

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I trained as a teacher, and for the past five years,

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I worked at a comprehensive school in Tottenham.

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I always thought being a good person means that I'm a good Muslim.

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I pray every day, I fast.

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The biggest conflict I face between practising my religion

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and living my Western life...

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..is clothing.

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I get, you know, really positive support

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on my social media and stuff,

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but the few times when people will try and point a finger at me and

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tell me I'm a bad Muslim, what are they going to pick on?

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They're going to pick on the way I dress.

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If that's the worst thing you can pick about me as a person and me as

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a Muslim, I'm quite happy with that.

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I may come across as self-confident and outgoing, but I still live at

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home with my parents.

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That's it.

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Be my assistant for a while.

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I'm a good assistant, Dad.

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-I know you are.

-I've been brought up in a traditional Pakistani family.

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The heritage and culture they've given me are hugely important to me.

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And I can't imagine life without them.

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How do you do this? I don't even know this.

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But, living this way has its frustrations.

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As in many Pakistani families,

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in practice, it means my dad lays down the rules for my life.

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Have I put any...

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You tell me... Unfair restrictions on you since the time you grew up?

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I don't think you put any unfair restrictions.

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But, now, you still...

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-..will call us.

-I'm very protective...

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You're very protective.

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..about my children, my family, yes, that's true.

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And sometimes, at 28, if you go out,

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you don't want to get a phone call at 10pm.

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You feel 28. I think you're 18, Mehreen.

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In my books, if I'm 39, you cannot be 28.

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I know, but even though you don't want to get older...

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Oh, my God. Nuisance child.

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But, like, you are still overprotective.

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I am, I am. That's the way I am.

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But what boundaries did I ever push? I never pushed any boundaries.

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Yeah, you go on trips with your friends.

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You know, you go on parties.

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-And you go on this.

-But I always tell you where I'm going.

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-Always.

-But I'm not happy with that.

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I think you should be restricted.

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There's certain rules.

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You should be back by eight. You come back by midnight.

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That's not good. I should be back by eight?

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Yes. Eight or 8.30 maximum, if it's winter, even.

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And would you say the same...?

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Summer, you should be back by ten, that's OK with me.

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Would you say the same thing to your son?

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Does your son need to be back by eight?

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My son is a married man.

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-He's independent now.

-So if I was married, then it's OK?

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Yeah, of course, then it's the duty of your husband to look after you.

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I love my dad and respect everything he has done for me,

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but sometimes his rules drive me crazy.

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He says they're Islamic, but I want to know how true that really is.

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A lot of the time, when you're growing up, you are told, you know,

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you can do this, you can't do this, and you just accept it.

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And you don't question where it came from, what's the source,

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why are we being asked to do this.

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I used to pray because I used to watch Mum pray.

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I knew as much about my religion as my parents had told me.

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They were my main source of information.

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I think this journey's really important cos we need to discover

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what makes a good Muslim woman.

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End blasphemy laws today! End blasphemy laws today!

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First, I want to meet someone who, like me, has been brought up in a

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British Pakistani family but has decided to take

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a very different path.

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At a protest in London against Pakistan's strict interpretation of

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Islamic laws, I'm meeting Sadia,

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who's taken the radical step of leaving the faith altogether.

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This is just a mini version of the Koran.

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For Muslims, the Koran is the literal word of God

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and must be obeyed.

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But there are also the associated Hadiths,

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the sayings and doings of the Prophet Muhammad

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which are more open to interpretation.

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It was questioning what these different religious texts said about

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her rights as a woman that led Sadia to a crisis of faith.

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At 19, when I was engaged for a short period of time...

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-That's very young.

-Yeah.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah, very young.

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I knew that I'd have to become quite religious to be able to make that

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marriage work.

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I started to research more, I started to read more.

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I used to be in a niqab at one point.

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Oh, my God, wait. OK, wait, mind blown.

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-And you were full niqabi.

-Yeah, full niqabi.

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-Oh, my God.

-Like, completely.

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Did you, like, research lots before you started wearing it,

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about the women's dress code in Islam?

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I read books. I read the Koran, I read the Hadith,

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I read books about women's position and the advice given to women about

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their dress. And because it said that I had to cover,

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that's exactly what I did.

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Does it say you have to cover everything except for your eyes?

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No. So, you cover your hair, that's mandatory.

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-Covering your face isn't.

-Is it mandatory to cover your head?

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That's something that comes up a lot.

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So, obviously, like the general consensus is you have to cover your

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hair, but then some people say, that's in the Hadith,

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but if you read the Koran, it says you need to cover your upper area,

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-your chest.

-Boobs and stuff.

-Yeah.

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Even if we entertain the thought that we don't have to cover our

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hair, but we have to cover everything else, erm,

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men only have to cover from their...

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Navel to their knee. I found that the other day.

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Was there a particular, you know, moment or event that you thought,

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you know, "That's the final straw, I can't be a Muslim any more"?

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Do you know about the wife-beating verse in the Koran?

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You don't know about this?

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I read it the other day. There's something...

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If a woman is adulterous, you can beat her lightly.

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-Is that what you're referring to?

-Yeah, this is it.

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And what the fuck does lightly mean?

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Like, if somebody says to me that he can beat me with a stick...

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-Yeah.

-..but I can't beat him at all, that's not fucking equality.

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-No.

-Far from it.

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Of course, it gives you, like, the tools, essentially.

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As in you can pick out whatever, you can pick out that statement,

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you can pick out whatever statement you like,

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and use it to your advantage.

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But that's not the religion's fault. That's humans being arseholes.

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So they say that if your husband wants to have sex,

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and you turn him down,

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the Farishta, the angels, they...

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They curse you all night long.

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That means I've got no choice in the matter.

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That's in the Hadith.

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OK. Cos Hadiths are questionable, aren't they?

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They're still there, though. And they're still used.

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They are used, but... I don't know.

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Hadiths are often, like, I don't think you can ever rely on someone

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else's interpretation of what they've read.

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So why didn't you stay in Islam and reform it

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rather than leave it altogether?

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I didn't want to be my husband's wife.

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I wanted to remain who I was, as a person.

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And I feel like you disappear in Islam.

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I found that quite difficult...

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..for various reasons.

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I found it difficult because...

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..there was something she said

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that I didn't know, and they actually shocked me.

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Everything she found, everything she focused on, it's so negative.

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And it's so the opposite of me.

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It's really weird, cos we're both from quite similar families...

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..quite similar backgrounds.

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We're both Pakistani, but we went such opposite ways.

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The texts Sadia was referring to about a husband beating his wife is

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indeed in the Koran. Chapter four, verse 34,

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where husbands who feel their wives are disobedient may beat them.

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The passage about angels cursing wives who won't have sex with their

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husbands is from the Hadiths.

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But the meaning of both passages has been contested

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by Islamic scholars through the ages.

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But for all the scholarly debates, for me, the right way for a Muslim

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woman to behave usually comes down to one man, my dad.

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I've got seven missed calls from my father and two text messages.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, Father.

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Don't be worried. That's fine, don't be worried.

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Love you, bye.

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Sometimes you want to do something as a British young woman, but you

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know your family and your culture want you to do something else,

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and you kind of always have to pick between the two.

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And the hard part is that, no matter what you pick,

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you'll be letting someone down.

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I might want to come home at 3am, be out with my girlfriends,

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but I know my parents won't sleep until I get home.

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So I end up leaving early.

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And my friends will say, you know, "Why are you leaving early?"

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But if I stayed out, I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself anyway

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cos I'd just feel too guilty.

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Are Dad's rules really Islamic, though?

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Or simply cultural ideas that he's inherited as a fairly typical

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Pakistani man?

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Who am I really obeying?

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My father or my religion?

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The women attending a dinner to mark Black History Month say they feel no

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contradiction between being good Muslims

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and living independent lives.

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I want to know how they manage it.

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My experience of Islam has been a very Asian experience.

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Looking at your day-to-day life, does Islam empower you?

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-Yes.

-Hell, yes.

-In what way?

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Just a fact that I'm still able,

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within the constraints of my religion,

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to live my day-to-day and earn my own money and that money

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is mine by entitlement.

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My husband doesn't have a say in that money or anything.

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Doesn't really have... He can't really restrict me from doing things

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that are in line with my religion.

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A lot of women will tell you that Islam oppresses women.

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Exactly. I'm, like, well, you have not met the women from my family.

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Like, generation upon generation, it's like we are nurses, doctors,

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landowners, multiple property owners.

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Directors and screenwriters.

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When they kind of, like, say, "This is what a Muslim woman is."

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I was like, "Well, you need to get out more."

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Where do they get that from, then?

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Where do they get that view that Muslim women are oppressed?

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Most people, if they sat and met Muslim women, no way would they come

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out with this idea that Muslim women are oppressed.

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But it's this narrative that is constantly kind of regurgitated,

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just on and on and on and on.

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And it's so tiring.

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It's tiring to fight it.

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If anything, it's Islam that has allowed me

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to be a very confident woman.

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And it's Islam that has given me the ability to be able to

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interact with men in an equal way.

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Do some people use the hijab as a form of oppression?

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Is that where the idea comes from?

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That some women are forced.

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Some younger girls are forced, or some wives are forced?

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-Of course.

-Is that Islam, like?

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Of course, there's some women, children,

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that have been forced to wear the hijab.

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But there's so many other women that haven't been forced.

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For someone to tell me, "You have to wear the hijab,"

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if someone tells me to do that, I'm taking my hijab off.

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Know what I mean? If you're going to force me to wear the hijab,

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I'm taking it off. I wear this out of love. This is my identity.

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This is something that I love. And I wouldn't even say I do it because my

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God tells me to do it, you know?

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Everything that my God tells me to do, he gives me a choice.

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I'm doing it because Sukainah wants to do it, and I love it,

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and it's part of my religion and I own it.

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Girls like the ones that I met today,

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I don't think I've seen very many of them.

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Women who genuinely feel empowered because of Islam.

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They can clearly differentiate between what is Islam,

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what is culture, what is society.

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And that's why I wish I had this clear definition of what Islam is

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and what Islam instructs.

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One of the women I met at the dinner, Yasmin,

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even described herself to me as a Muslim feminist activist.

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How on earth does she balance an independent lifestyle

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I can only dream of with the expectations of her family?

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I remember having a conversation with my mum when I was maybe in my

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early 20s, and she said, you know,

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"Islam is a radically feminist religion."

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She was like, "It introduced

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"all of these things to women and fundamentally..."

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Like, even in the Koran, it always says...

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SHE REFERS TO A PHRASE

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So it refers to the male believers and the female believers.

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Like, every single instance when it refers to believers,

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it always says men and women equally.

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Right? And so I've think that kind of probably triggered

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this curiosity, I guess.

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What practical examples can you give me of ways that you feel

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Islam has liberated you rather than oppressed you?

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My first job was as an engineer on oil and gas rigs.

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I moved out of home, I followed my career,

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I got a really good education, I've spoken out,

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I have never been expected to marry anyone in particular.

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You moved out of home and lived by yourself?

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-Yeah.

-That's amazing.

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My family's quite liberal, but I wasn't allowed to move out,

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I wouldn't be allowed to move out.

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I'm 28, but I won't move out until I get married.

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That's wild. But, like, that's a cultural thing.

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Within Islam, it says if your parents are doing the wrong thing,

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you have the right to stand up against your parents.

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Right? And it is, at the same time, you know,

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Paradise is it the feet of your mother,

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so even though paradise is at the feet of your mother,

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if your mother is doing the wrong thing by Islam,

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you have the right within Islam to say, "No."

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And that is huge.

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But culture, oh, culture is almost, if not, stronger a hold on people.

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Was Yasmin thinking about marriage as much as I was?

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You know, I'm not too fussed about the marriage thing, like,

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I think it would be nice to find a partner,

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but one of the main motivating factors is, well,

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I'm still holding on to the no-sex-before-marriage thing.

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-OK.

-Yeah.

-Same.

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Yeah, right? And it's a struggle, right?

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Like, we have needs.

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Sometimes I think, "What if I reach 32 and I'm still not married,"

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which looks pretty realistic right now...

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-LAUGHS:

-I feel you.

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Yeah, I know, I...

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-I'm with you.

-Then what is going to happen?

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Will...? It sounds so bad, like, it sounds so bad.

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Will God be like, "I understand..."

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Honestly, I have gotten to the age where I'm like, I am wondering that

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too, and I know this is, like, the wildest conversation and that

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all of these aunties are going to be like, "Stop it, Allah."

0:17:240:17:27

Like, "How could you possibly...?"

0:17:270:17:29

But the reality is, like,

0:17:290:17:31

it's not as if we have less of a sexual desire than men.

0:17:310:17:33

The people often assume that Muslim women have no sexual desire.

0:17:330:17:36

No, we are all neutered apparently.

0:17:360:17:38

Like, get off it.

0:17:380:17:39

I am as randy as the next one.

0:17:410:17:43

It is clear from various references in the Koran that sex

0:17:500:17:53

should be in a lawful union.

0:17:530:17:55

And men and women are given the same advice.

0:17:560:17:59

In chapter 24, verses 30 and 31, both are told to turn their eyes

0:18:000:18:05

away from temptation and to preserve their chastity.

0:18:050:18:09

Yasmin is an inspiring woman

0:18:110:18:13

who really knows her stuff and who clearly

0:18:130:18:16

feels no conflict between being an independent woman and a good Muslim.

0:18:160:18:20

But the one thing she hasn't managed to do is to find a man to share her

0:18:230:18:26

life with.

0:18:260:18:28

It's made me think about what I can expect from a husband.

0:18:280:18:31

And I got a glimpse of one possible future when I secured access to a

0:18:340:18:39

seminar in East London for Muslims looking to get married.

0:18:390:18:42

One of the speakers, an imam from the local mosque,

0:18:440:18:47

was giving his advice on the roles of husbands and wives.

0:18:470:18:51

The imam began by listing the responsibilities of future husbands.

0:18:530:18:58

A husband should have confidence and trust.

0:18:580:19:00

You have to trust her because she is your wife.

0:19:000:19:03

And you should love her, you should show love and affection.

0:19:030:19:07

And he should provide food, home, accommodation,

0:19:070:19:11

clothes and the basic amenities for life.

0:19:110:19:15

Yes, and also...

0:19:150:19:16

But future wives seem to have considerably more responsibilities,

0:19:160:19:21

and some of them brought me down to earth with a bump.

0:19:210:19:24

She should show him love and affection,

0:19:240:19:27

she should express her full confidence and trust in her husband.

0:19:270:19:31

She must make herself available to her husband, whenever he says,

0:19:330:19:38

"Oh, I'm ready, I need you," she must be available,

0:19:380:19:40

unless you have got a good excuse.

0:19:400:19:43

Yes. And she shall not admit anyone home her husband dislikes

0:19:430:19:49

to come in or stay in her house.

0:19:490:19:51

She must not put economic pressure on her husband.

0:19:510:19:57

She must obey her husband.

0:19:570:19:59

The wife must not travel without the consent of her husband.

0:20:010:20:06

For brothers, be generous to your wives, and for the sisters,

0:20:060:20:10

be loyal to your husbands.

0:20:100:20:12

This was one man's conservative interpretation

0:20:160:20:19

of Islamic traditions,

0:20:190:20:21

and he'd even thrown in some clearly non-Islamic rules

0:20:210:20:24

about social media.

0:20:240:20:27

Brothers and sisters should avoid using Facebook.

0:20:270:20:31

Always there are so problems because Facebook contact sometimes doesn't

0:20:310:20:35

represent the reality.

0:20:350:20:37

There are so many problems which come after that.

0:20:370:20:40

Most of the participants didn't want to talk to me,

0:20:420:20:45

but one young woman did,

0:20:450:20:46

and she seemed to accept conditions I don't think I could put up with.

0:20:460:20:50

How long have you been looking for?

0:20:510:20:53

So I started meeting people when I was 21.

0:20:530:20:57

I'm now 28. Seven years later,

0:20:570:20:58

I am still searching for that right person.

0:20:580:21:00

You know he was saying, "If you meet, you always have to have

0:21:000:21:03

"someone with you," and, you know,

0:21:030:21:05

"you will meet a few times, you will get to know the person."

0:21:050:21:07

-Yeah.

-Do you abide by all those restrictions when you are...?

0:21:070:21:10

I have my brother present...

0:21:100:21:11

-Always?

-So he is not present when I have a conversation with a potential

0:21:110:21:15

suitor, but he is part of the process and he is

0:21:150:21:18

there in the background.

0:21:180:21:19

So my brother will even meet the man first and see if he thinks

0:21:190:21:22

he will be suitable for me or not.

0:21:220:21:23

It is important to me to marry within my faith,

0:21:260:21:29

but will Muslim men want a wife like me,

0:21:290:21:32

with an independent streak and ambition?

0:21:320:21:34

At 28, I'm considered quite old to be unmarried in my community,

0:21:360:21:40

so the question is real for me.

0:21:400:21:42

I decided to see for myself what a cross-section of Muslim men expect

0:21:450:21:49

from a wife.

0:21:490:21:51

So in the spirit of research,

0:21:510:21:52

I ventured out onto the Islamic online dating scene.

0:21:520:21:56

Let's see if I can find my husband.

0:21:580:22:00

Number one priority for me,

0:22:010:22:02

someone who doesn't come and try and control me.

0:22:020:22:05

I have found this app called Muzmatch.

0:22:050:22:08

It says, "Muzmatch is for anyone seeking a Muslim marriage.

0:22:080:22:13

"Keep things halal."

0:22:130:22:15

Sounds good.

0:22:170:22:18

"Select profile picture."

0:22:200:22:22

This is my favourite bit.

0:22:220:22:24

We don't want anything too...

0:22:240:22:26

..provocative!

0:22:270:22:28

"Islamic dress - modest, hijab, jilbab, niqab."

0:22:320:22:38

So, what if I don't even dress modestly?

0:22:390:22:42

Why does it start from modest?

0:22:420:22:43

Wow, I'm, like, bottom of the pile.

0:22:450:22:47

"How religious are you?" OK. What are the options?

0:22:480:22:50

"Practising. Very practising. Moderately practising.

0:22:500:22:56

"Not practising."

0:22:560:22:57

Depends what you count as practising.

0:22:580:23:00

That's a really hard question.

0:23:000:23:02

Practising?

0:23:020:23:03

Am I practising?

0:23:040:23:05

Eurgh!

0:23:070:23:08

I want someone who religiously is on the same level as me.

0:23:080:23:11

Just a male version of me.

0:23:110:23:13

Surely he is out there somewhere.

0:23:130:23:16

This is really exciting.

0:23:180:23:19

-Good to see you. Looking good.

-Thank you.

0:23:290:23:31

I don't know what you fancy.

0:23:310:23:32

-I don't mind, actually.

-Besides me. I'm joking!

0:23:320:23:35

That's not a bad starter.

0:23:370:23:38

I think it's OK, in my subjective opinion.

0:23:400:23:42

What if one day I decide to wear a hijab?

0:23:420:23:44

-Right now, it's not for me.

-That would be a good thing.

0:23:440:23:46

It wouldn't be an issue for me.

0:23:460:23:47

I would definitely like that, yeah.

0:23:470:23:49

After you are married, would you be living at home with your mum?

0:23:500:23:55

Maybe not initially, potentially, but long-term,

0:23:550:23:58

I would want my mum to stay with me.

0:23:580:24:00

Say if my wife comes across my mum,

0:24:000:24:04

arrogant, rude, sorry, I would have to side with my mum.

0:24:040:24:08

It is a different era now, it is not expected, no way.

0:24:100:24:12

-OK.

-That is really surprising.

0:24:120:24:15

I am guessing if we went to Morocco together,

0:24:150:24:17

because that is where you're from, right?

0:24:170:24:19

I wouldn't be on the beach or by the pool wearing a bikini.

0:24:190:24:22

If I'm honest, my preference wouldn't necessarily be to someone

0:24:250:24:28

who walks around in a bikini necessarily.

0:24:280:24:30

-You are cool with her wearing a bikini?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:24:300:24:33

-You can wear what you want.

-That's...

0:24:330:24:35

Wear what you want. I do not have a problem with that.

0:24:350:24:37

If they go, like, "That's it, I am no longer a Muslim,"

0:24:370:24:41

that is a deal-breaker for me, I can't be with someone like that.

0:24:410:24:46

Niqab? Yeah, that would be a problem for me.

0:24:460:24:48

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Is that a step too far?

0:24:480:24:50

-Yeah.

-Am I how you expected me to be?

0:24:500:24:53

-You seem quite nice, actually.

-Quite nice?

-Very nice, very nice.

0:24:530:24:56

-Sorry, wrong word there.

-Would you like a second date?

0:24:560:24:59

-Off the record.

-Would you like to marry me?

0:24:590:25:02

-Yeah.

-Cool.

-I would.

0:25:020:25:04

I didn't know you was going to ask that question.

0:25:040:25:07

I had, like, some tingling sensation.

0:25:080:25:10

I swear to God, or Allah here, I'm not lying.

0:25:100:25:13

The dates proved that

0:25:250:25:27

there isn't one version of a good Muslim husband,

0:25:270:25:30

just as there isn't one version of a good Muslim wife.

0:25:300:25:32

To find out what happens when an Islamic marriage falls apart,

0:25:410:25:45

I attended a sharia council in Birmingham.

0:25:450:25:47

Here, women come to seek a divorce,

0:25:490:25:52

recognised under Islamic but not civil law.

0:25:520:25:54

So, what happened?

0:25:570:25:58

Do all of them have autism?

0:26:020:26:04

How many...?

0:26:060:26:08

Does he support you financially?

0:26:320:26:34

Does he give you money?

0:26:360:26:37

We understand, as a panel, that this marriage is not functioning,

0:26:400:26:46

it is not helping you, and the marriage is about love, compassion,

0:26:460:26:51

trust and respect, and of course, there should be financial support,

0:26:510:26:57

which isn't there, and so, as it stands at the moment,

0:26:570:27:02

the panel is in agreement that this marriage should be dissolved.

0:27:020:27:06

I was shocked the husbands weren't required to attend.

0:27:070:27:10

If they want a divorce,

0:27:100:27:12

all they need to do is announce it three times at monthly intervals.

0:27:120:27:16

I sat in two cases where women had come in to ask for a divorce.

0:27:170:27:24

In both cases, the husbands were not present.

0:27:240:27:28

In the second case, she hadn't seen her husband for five years,

0:27:280:27:33

hadn't heard from him in five years...

0:27:330:27:35

..but he was refusing to give her a divorce too.

0:27:360:27:40

This woman said, "I can't bear him, I cannot bear him,

0:27:400:27:43

"I cannot be with this man any more, because even when we were together,

0:27:430:27:47

"he was just awful to me."

0:27:470:27:50

But they have to wait for a group of strangers to deliberate and say,

0:27:540:27:59

"Oh, I understand it must be quite hard for you to, you know, give

0:27:590:28:02

"the kids, if that's what he is asking."

0:28:020:28:04

It must be hard?

0:28:040:28:06

I don't understand.

0:28:060:28:07

I watched nine cases being deliberated.

0:28:110:28:14

All of the women were granted a divorce.

0:28:140:28:17

While the details of their unhappy marriages aren't particular to their

0:28:170:28:20

faith, I was left with the feeling that this was an ordeal that women

0:28:200:28:24

had to go through and from which the men could excuse themselves.

0:28:240:28:28

I wanted to talk to Dr Amra Bone, one of the judges,

0:28:310:28:35

about women's rights and marriage.

0:28:350:28:36

The hardest part to see...

0:28:380:28:39

I'm sorry. ..was that some of these women have been hanging on

0:28:400:28:46

for five years, waiting for...

0:28:460:28:49

Because the man is with another family, with another woman,

0:28:490:28:55

but refusing to let go.

0:28:550:28:58

We do ask this question to women.

0:28:580:28:59

We say, "Why did it take you so long to come here?"

0:28:590:29:02

And they just often say,

0:29:020:29:04

"We weren't ready, we wanted to give it more time."

0:29:040:29:07

In Islam, a woman is not prisoned when she marries.

0:29:070:29:11

She, out of her free choice, she chooses to marry the person.

0:29:110:29:15

I did hear that if a husband wants to have sex with his wife...

0:29:150:29:23

..if she refuses, then the angels curse her throughout the night.

0:29:250:29:29

Well, I think there is so many...

0:29:290:29:31

People will say, "Oh, there is this Hadith or that Hadith."

0:29:310:29:34

But if you have to look

0:29:340:29:36

at the overall principle of Islamic teaching.

0:29:360:29:39

Islam is not as literal as people have made it out to be.

0:29:390:29:42

Islam, Islamic teachings are there to guide both men and women,

0:29:420:29:47

to behave towards each other with respect and kindness and love.

0:29:470:29:51

People often talk about how it says,

0:29:510:29:54

the Koran says you can beat your wife gently.

0:29:540:29:58

Well, again, how you understand that is the point.

0:29:580:30:03

Did the Prophet ever beat his wife?

0:30:030:30:05

Never in his life.

0:30:050:30:06

And what did the Koran say?

0:30:060:30:08

The Koran says he is... Which means he is an example for you,

0:30:080:30:12

the best example for you.

0:30:120:30:15

And actually, he was in a monogamous relationship.

0:30:150:30:17

He never hit a woman ever in his life.

0:30:170:30:19

He was in a monogamous relationship with Khadijah

0:30:190:30:23

for how many years, in a society where it was completely polygamous.

0:30:230:30:28

This was a completely new world to me,

0:30:280:30:30

I have never seen anything like...

0:30:300:30:32

Like, I have never seen anything...

0:30:320:30:34

I haven't seen cases like this, I haven't seen these kind of

0:30:340:30:39

discussions when it comes to divorce and a panel sitting there.

0:30:390:30:45

This is miles away from the Islam I have grown up with,

0:30:450:30:48

I have just never seen anything like this.

0:30:480:30:50

This journey is teaching me that my struggle to be both an independent

0:30:550:30:59

woman and a good Muslim isn't so much to do with Islam itself,

0:30:590:31:03

but with men's interpretation of it.

0:31:030:31:05

And there is one man's interpretation above all

0:31:070:31:10

that matters to me.

0:31:100:31:11

I have met so many girls on this journey and I've learnt so much.

0:31:150:31:20

Some things that made me feel quite comfortable,

0:31:200:31:23

some things that made me realise, actually,

0:31:230:31:26

Islam gives me so many rights that maybe even I can be more

0:31:260:31:31

independent and still be a good Muslim woman.

0:31:310:31:34

So I am going to go and have a conversation with my father about my

0:31:340:31:38

own independence.

0:31:380:31:40

It's not really a conversation we have within our household, so I

0:31:400:31:42

don't know how he's going to react or if he'll even take it seriously.

0:31:420:31:45

But I think it's about time that I had that conversation.

0:31:470:31:50

I would like... The 11 o'clock curfew has to stop.

0:32:040:32:07

You can't wait up for me and make me rush home every time I go out.

0:32:080:32:13

Can we change the bond to not calling me...?

0:32:130:32:16

No, it can't happen!

0:32:160:32:18

Because if you are away and I don't hear from you...

0:32:180:32:21

Yes, if you keep on, keep me posted that,

0:32:210:32:24

"I'm OK, Dad, everything is fine," then OK.

0:32:240:32:27

I can do that, once a day.

0:32:270:32:29

No, not once a day!

0:32:290:32:30

If you are away for ten hours,

0:32:300:32:31

I must at least get that message five times.

0:32:310:32:33

-No...

-No, this is...

0:32:330:32:36

We need to negotiate. We can't live like this any more, this is a joke.

0:32:360:32:40

We need to come to some sort of...

0:32:400:32:42

-Agreement.

-Yes, agreement.

0:32:420:32:43

You are dictating me terms and conditions

0:32:440:32:47

of how you want to live your life.

0:32:470:32:49

-Yes.

-Isn't it? Am I wrong in saying that?

0:32:490:32:52

-Yes.

-That's not acceptable to me.

0:32:520:32:55

-Because...

-Papa, you can just be normal and say...

0:32:550:32:58

Yeah, you are telling me four, five, six...

0:32:580:33:00

"I understand what you're trying to say.

0:33:000:33:03

"You want a bit more freedom and maybe we are overprotective.

0:33:030:33:06

"We just want you to be safe, but maybe I can try and see if I can do

0:33:060:33:09

"that, but no promises." You don't have to say,

0:33:090:33:11

-"Oh, you are dictating, that is not acceptable to me."

-OK.

0:33:110:33:14

One of the girls I met actually showed me a bit from the Koran where

0:33:140:33:17

it says, you can question and challenge our parents,

0:33:170:33:20

you can go against them.

0:33:200:33:22

This is what you are saying today,

0:33:220:33:23

but I never dared to even question again.

0:33:230:33:27

We thought whatever our elders or our guardians or our parents said

0:33:270:33:32

was to be obeyed.

0:33:320:33:35

What if I want to live by myself?

0:33:350:33:37

You're most welcome, if you can live without us.

0:33:370:33:39

-That's a lie.

-I will miss you, that is a different story,

0:33:390:33:43

because I love you, sweetheart.

0:33:430:33:45

I will maybe stay down under your stairs to look after you.

0:33:450:33:49

-Like Harry Potter!

-That is my problem.

0:33:490:33:52

I may come every weekend or maybe twice in a week,

0:33:520:33:56

I will telephone you a million times,

0:33:560:33:59

but I will not become a hurdle in your life.

0:33:590:34:02

Give us a hug.

0:34:030:34:04

-Are you happy now?

-Yeah, but I'll believe it when I see it.

0:34:060:34:09

-Seeing is believing.

-Seeing is believing.

0:34:100:34:13

OK.

0:34:130:34:14

I've realised that Islam in practice

0:34:180:34:20

is always worked out between people.

0:34:200:34:23

Daughters and their fathers, wives and their husbands.

0:34:240:34:28

But it's also become clear to me that in order to get what you want,

0:34:280:34:32

you have to know your rights.

0:34:320:34:33

And half of these rights I haven't heard of before.

0:34:350:34:38

So why is it that lots of women's rights in general

0:34:390:34:45

are almost hidden and men's rights are emphasised?

0:34:450:34:52

So it's great that I'm going on this journey, but there are still

0:34:520:34:55

thousands of girls who are going to go through shit

0:34:550:34:58

because they don't know their rights, and even if they know them,

0:34:580:35:01

they won't be permitted to exercise them.

0:35:010:35:04

And that made me...

0:35:040:35:05

..frustrated, cos there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

0:35:100:35:12

I have seen too many amazing women become shadows of the girl that they

0:35:150:35:19

used to be...

0:35:190:35:20

..after they got married.

0:35:220:35:24

I'm not going to be that girl.

0:35:250:35:26

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