Harry and Paul's Magnificent Sporting Moments

Hello and welcome.

I'm Gary Clean, joined as always by Alan Handsome

and looking like an old school Mark Lorimullet - Mark Lorimullet.

-I've got a white shirt on.

-So have I.

I've got a white shirt on, too.

Bet you're glad you've joined us.

What a treat we've got for you tonight -

all the best of the sports

that didn't quite make it into the London Games.

Thanks, Gary. Yes, tonight, we bring you a dodecahedro-thon

of magnificent sports from around the world -

sports that have never officially been recognised

as anything other than plain crazy.

For example, we've got camel jumping in the desert,

pan bending in the garden

and, on the streets, it's the urban decathlon with Maxime Renard.

Now there's a sport you really shouldn't be trying at home!

So let's take a look at today's action from the much-anticipated

world backyard watersliding championships

at the Sports Direct Estate, Tyneside.

Dipping his toe into the paddling pool for us today,

our commentator, Chris Twaddle.

Well, the action is happening on a rather nice council estate.

It certainly doesn't seem to be beset by the problems

of some inner-city council estates.

I cannae see any pitbulls or devil dogs or, I don't know,

semi-literate people willing to kill you at the drop of a hat.

The crowd take their seats in eager anticipation

and first up is the Italian, Hasta La Vista.

I think he's going too fast.

And he's overshot, and that's a shame.

Next up, the Dutchman Eden Van Damme.

He's decided to go barechested.

He's hit the rim and the crowd love it!

And now it's the favourite, Czechoslovakian Nedved Nedved,

who's coming down the slide face first.

Aye, he's a big lad! Excellent water displacement.

He's a showman, he's posing for the camera like a movie star,

like, I don't know, Chuck Norris.

Or maybe somebody more current.

So, surprise gold medal there for the Czech Republican.

Alan, weren't you banking on

Louis Felipez Hernandez de los Rios Paranoias Hasta La Vista Ibiza

-of Italy to pick up the gold?

-I was.

-So was I.

-Be quiet, you.

I had my money on the Italian, but as soon as I saw him,

I thought pace. It's all about pace, and he's got his pace all wrong.

He should've been here.

He's missed it completely, he's ended up there. Rubbish.

-Rubbish!

-Shut it, you.

I like the Czech's lovely smile.

-Look at his lovely smile. Don't you love his lovely smile, Alan?

-No.

I've got a lovely smile, too.

But, seriously, paddling poolside technology has got to come.

It's got to come.

Got to come.

And what's happened to the American?

LAUGHTER

-He didn't even start, he was all over the place.

-All over the place.

Coming up next, the barrel-blowing-up semi finals

find Serbia lined up against Serbia,

the Serbian team from Serbia

and, of course, the favourites,

Serbia, in what proved to be

a gripping display of pyrotechnical sportsmanship.

Welcome to this lovely, rolling hillside, full of fine-figured,

fully moustachioed fellows with a wonderful command of explosives.

They really are my favourite type of people.

Dragavan - ten metres.

Radavan - 20 metres.

Oh, Campervan fails to ignite!

Slibberdanslobberdan - 15.2 metres.

Slobberdanflobberdan - 18.4 metres.

Oddervanmorrisonovic - 14 metres.

Oh, Drakovwhitov will be disappointed.

16.2 metres - good for him.

John Malkovich... Oh, goodness me, I don't know where that one's gone!

And that concludes things from...

-Ouch!

-Ooh, that's got to hurt!

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

-She'll have a bruise.

-Great banter.

That's a great result for Serbia.

But just look at the Serbians, that's where it's supposed to be.

Now look at that - it's all over the place. Poor.

I agree with Alan. (About everything.)

Great insight from these two reprobates!

-MARK CHUCKLES

-This guy's crazy!

And confirmation of the results there -

Radavan winning it with 20.31.

Slobberdanflobberdan with 18.4

and Campervan down the bottom there, failing to make an impression.

HE TUTS

But enough hilarity, as we're going over live now to see

Great Britain's first chance of a gold medal in these games.

Our commentator, Simon Sisterton.

Murray Andies of Great Britain, the Great British hope for these games.

And the Scot has fallen over and let us all down.

To sunny Sidmouth now where the sandalastics freestyle event

was won by Saudi Arabia. Here they are in action.

The ancient sport of sandal surfing has once again

been completely dominated by the Saudis.

No-one can touch them.

I mean, look at these guys!

It's just grace personified.

And it's interesting to note that this sport was

once played by William IV, when he visited Riyadh in 1783.

Beautiful display. Balletic.

-I love Billy Elliot.

-Who doesn't?

-I've seen 16 times.

-So have I.

I loved it, too. Seen it...18 times.

Now it's time to start bathing in the glory of the sporting present

and cast our minds back to the, er, sporting future!

HE SNIGGERS

If you are just some of the new sports - future sports,

as we like to call them - which are seeking approval for

next year's games, like the futuristic chicken boxing.

It's boxing, with chickens on your hands instead of gloves.

MUSIC: "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

HE CHUCKLES

Those barrel slammers look like they were having a barrel of laughs!

Great banter! Great banter!

And that bloke should never have won the chicken boxing. That was

definitely a FOWL!

HE TITTERS

And that street tubing - WATER sport that is!

HE TITTERS

-No!

-Oh.

-Poor.

HE WHIMPERS

And now to camel jumping and in the ringside seats, Phil Withnail

and Bill Nye from CBNBCBeebies.

-Hi there, I'm Phil Withnail.

-And I'm Bill Nye.

-We're Withnail.

-And Nye.

-Why are we here, Bill?

-We're here for the oil, Phil.

-Sure!

-But why are we also here, Bill?

-For the camel jumping, Phil.

-That's right.

-But primarily for the oil.

-Ha! Let's take a look.

First up, Magic Heels Saheed. Just look at him run!

Looks like he's running on oil, Phil!

-And over he goes, that's a good leap!

-That's a great leap.

That's a leap of 9.9 feet 90.

Second up, Saheed Hoppy Heels.

Looks like he's running on oil, Phil.

-Ho-ho! Over he goes, that's a good leap.

-That's a great leap.

That's a leap of nine feet nine inches, 99, 1999.

Third up, Saheed Super Sneakers Mohammed. Just look at him run.

-Looks like he's running on oil, Phil.

-And over he goes.

-That's a good leap.

-That's a great leap.

That's a leap of 9 inches, 99 feet, 99, 99, 9, 9.

Where do we stand on the table, Bill?

Saheed Mohammed with a 99 point lead and a hump differential of 9.9,

99, 99.

Surely we're here for humanitarian reasons as well, Bill.

We're here for the oil, Phil.

Great stuff. I hope nobody got the hump!

-You wouldn't catch me doing that. I'd get the hump.

-Great banter.

Classic stuff. Next we go south to Northampton.

Like what you did there, Gary. South, north - clever.

No, lazy, rubbish.

As I was saying, now we go south to Northampton where

the decathlon is already underway and one man is leading the pack.

Let's see how that man, Maxime Renard, is progressing

in road-skiing. Probably his weakest event.

He's the hot favourite. It's Maxime Renard of France.

The world leader in the urban decathlon.

Watch him go!

Oh, and that's a shame.

Not one of his strongest events,

but Maxime is definitely still in the running...possibly.

Let's so to Dan Smiley at the speedway slalom in Tunbridge wells.

Dan, how's things?

Hi, Gary.

It's a lovely afternoon down here in the garden of England, Kent...

-Looks like we've lost Dan there.

-He's always arsing about.

-I was going to say that.

-Oh, sorry.

-Nice.

Let's go live to the quarter finals of violence against things.

HE SCREAMS

Sum Ti Bride representing Thailand, a great athlete who comes

from a long line of tree-haters and is, ironically, a vegetarian.

Alexander Fleb is the fisrt generation go his family who

has fought this very lamp post and every one of them has lost.

Not one had an IQ of over ten.

And finally, Serbian chair-hater Radovan Kasparovich, seen here

biting his grandmother's dining chairs.

Oh, and he's thrown it over his head.

Spectacular violence against chairs, there.

And so to the eagerly-awaited bedspread plunging finals

from Dagenham, Wales.

Our airborne reporter, Chris Twaddle.

And there he goes, the lad from the Wirral. He's got his bedspread on.

Very similar in colour and design to one I had when I was a nipper.

I'd often throw meself off the wardrobe, onto the bed, like.

I've hit me head once, and it hurt.

But this is like, y'knaa, real big boy stuff.

I was probably only about four foot seven at the time.

Maybe four foot eight, I don't know. Anyway.

He'll be looking for a soft landing, like a haystack or a pond maybe.

Or, I don't know, an enormous pile of... Crikey!

What a stroke of luck.

Let's look at that again -

a big pile of cardboard boxes right in the middle of the field.

Some amazing individual talent there.

A bit like a certain sportsman you might remember - never been booked.

Whoa, Gary. You were really quite something in your pomp.

Rubbish. No pace whatsoever. Too many crisps.

HE CHUCKLES

Let's see you in action, Alan.

-Those were the days. I'd less cellulite then.

-I think you're trim.

You may laugh, but here's some footage of you in action.

Now in the old days of the Soviet Union, every four years,

we used to wet ourselves laughing as army sergeants from

the Eastern Bloc used to pass themselves off as women.

Thankfully, those days are back.

Ludmilla Steroidavitch. Wonderful stuff.

Look at that technique.

And she has taken the bronze, yes.

Ta-da!

The silver went to Amanda Caperberry.

There she is, powerful girl.

The gold, of course, went to the favourite.

East Germany's Drugtesta Fayliur.

The heat was really on there.

I hope not, otherwise I would have got burned.

I can't do this. It's teflon.

He's teflon. Nothing sticks to him. It's not so easy, is it?

-I think I've got weak wrists.

-Give it here.

I'll show you what to do with it.

Great PANTER.

Over now to Dan Smiley in the Trossachs for the uphill sledding.

Thanks, Gary.

I've got my stopwatch, so I know exactly when they're coming.

Here they come now. Down the hill. Oh, it's very...

Well, maybe we'll catch up with Dan later.

For the latest from the decathlon, let's see

if Frenchman Maxime Renard is still golding into that lead.

And Renard is extending his lead.

He's really out on his own in this event.

What a priviledge to watch this Gallic, big-nosed Wiggo.

Aah-ah!

Aaah!

Ohhh!

A great result.

The Frenchman is never one to shy away

from incredible sporting endeavour.

Did someone just say "incredible sporting endeavour"?

How right you are. It's mind-blowing stuff.

Thanks, Gary. We're live at the

brick-carrying world record attempt.

This sport is dominated by Indonesia

and the world record

currently stands at 21 bricks.

Can Ernest Bangbang beat that?

He's on 16 at the moment.

There's 18. Another pair makes it,

by my reckoning, 20.

He's very close now.

Another two and... Go on, my son!

22, a new world record

and I'm off to take a shower.

More gold medals now.

This one from a sport that I find even more interesting than cricket.

Mind ball.

Mind ball - an intense sport, played literally with the mind.

And a ball.

Every competitor has at least three PhDs,

in what subject, we don't know.

But the object of the game is to move the ball towards the opponent.

Or away from the opponent.

No-one's quite sure.

As you can see, it requires intense concentration and is followed

by a group of highly-educated fans who literally love mind ball.

Look at them not going wild there. Extraordinary scenes here.

Ah... Ah... Yes!

SCREAMING

And there's the winner - Rita Touchinhum.

Or is it the bloke, the bald one at the other end? We don't know.

Some confusion there, but a result of some sort

and certainly a better one than the one Dan Smiley experienced

when he tried to play mind ball earlier this week.

Thanks, Gary. Oww! It's hot in here. Can't stop. Aagh!

He's having a tough week, that lad.

Time now for the latest heat of paper aeroplane throwing.

Paper planes being thrown from a council estate into a rubbish bin.

A metaphor for the youth of today.

-Oh, no. Mine failed.

-Yay!

In the bin, in the bin. Come on.

THEY LAUGH

In the bin. Go on. Go on.

In the bin. Go on. Go on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Crikey, he's got it in!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Alan, what a result for Denmark.

Aye, but the other two, they moved into space.

-It was just a wrong space.

-Nowhere to be seen.

-Course they could be seen.

-Oh, yeah.

-He just didn't make it.

-Sorry.

If you look at the replay, look. There they are.

-Oh, yeah.

-Being seen!

-Sorry, Alan.

As you can see when we stop the action here.

The plane's there, when it should be here.

-Nowhere to be seen in the graphic yellow circle.

-That's better.

-I really am very sorry, Alan.

-Seriously, 84 degrees.

That's no angle, but he's got away with it by the skin of his teeth.

Didn't know teeth had skin! Heh-heh-heh.

Classic stuff.

As we've all been reading about in the papers,

Team GB has been beset by disappointing results,

leading to the team manager, Harry Bedknapp, being sacked mid-games.

We caught up with him earlier.

Well, you know, you know how it is in this game.

Oh! Err, oh...

-Great character.

-Love Harry.

-Love Harry.

-Great character.

-Love him.

-Love him. Tremendous.

-Brilliant.

-Even though he's rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

-Dreadful.

-Terrible.

-Woeful.

-What about his replacement?

It's the first time Team GB have been managed by a foreigner.

And Arsene Wenger of all people.

I think he's already doing a fine job.

He's bringing in lots of young talent.

The future is looking bright for Team GB. Two sugars.

The lad Jack Whitehallshere, too young?

You'll never win anything with kids.

What about this lad, Wayne Looney? Too young?

You'll never win anything with kids.

Tell you what, this lad Wayne Looney could do with a hair transplant.

I don't need a hair transplant. I've got luscious hair.

So have you, Alan, you've got luscious hair too.

-Aye.

-What about my hair?

Well, you're not bald.

Great banter. Ping-pong star Theo Walmart, too young?

-You'll never win anything with kids.

-I don't think so either.

-No.

-No.

Plenty still to come, so don't touch that remote.

Please, please, don't touch it. Put it down.

Catching marshmallows in your mouth.

A great sport and a great way

to while away the hours on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

I'm not a particular fan of marshmallows myself.

I find they make your mouth a bit dry.

I certainly wouldn't want to eat one

that had been in someone else's sweaty palms.

Blimey, that was a good catch.

-Tremendous stuff.

-Absolutely tremendous.

-Absolutely tremendous.

-What's special is that this will inspire

an entire generation of young people to eat marshmallows.

MUSIC: "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin

That was heavenly.

Takes me back to Anfield. In the '80s.

And now in reverse order,

the results of the Trick of the Tournament.

# Body rock is in the house tonight

# Everybody just have a good time

# And we gonna make you lose your mind

# We just wanna see ya

# Shake that! #

So, who's your winner, Alan?

For me, it's bread in the toaster every time.

-What made it stand out for you?

-I like toast.

You should be on Live At The Apollo, that is brilliant.

But I do, I really love it. I love toast. Love it. I love it.

I love it.

Jumping ahead now, with freestyle pole vaulting.

Simon Sisterton vaulted over to Leamington Spa

to watch the action unfold.

And here he is. A lot riding on this fellow.

Murray Andies of Great Britain. Great Britain's Murray...ah!

The Scot has botched it!

And here he is again, his second attempt.

We're right behind you, Murray, from Land's End to John...oh!

Not again! The Scot has let his Scottish country down again.

Murray Andies, the miserable Scot from Scotland,

with yet another futile attempt.

He really is a dour fellow, won't engage in... Yes!

He's done it!

Murray Andies has won the gold for Great Britain and England.

Let's see what's happening in the big fight

in Madison Square In The Night Garden.

Welcome back. Hey, guys, how's the euro doing?

-I'm Phil Withnail...

-And I'm Bill Nye.

-We're Withnail...

-And Nye! Boy, am I looking forward to this fight.

Yup. It's Teething Tony Gillander up against Kid Gums Aronson.

Let's look at the stats of these two tiny, tiny, tiny warriors.

Teething Tony tips the scales at 9 pounds 99,

while Kid Gums has a slight weight advantage at 9 pounds 99.99.99.9.

It's anybody's fight.

The gloves are off, but thankfully, the diapers are on.

And straight away, Kid Gums steals the dummy.

Tony steals it right back. That's one apiece.

Teething Tony's lost it as Kid Gums steals it back. It's 2-1.

Can Tony do the steal?

Yes, he can, with a left hook! It's two apiece.

Things are getting tense.

Kid Gums makes the steal to make it 3-2. But no, wait,

Tony takes it back and we're all square at three steals each.

That looked kind of fun, what those guys were doing, didn't it?

Give me my microphone, you freak. What's the matter with you?

Thanks, boys, and let's see how the decathlon is progressing.

Is that French fox, Maxime Renard, still out in front?

Maxime Renard,

his lead is now unassailable. As long as he doesn't lose control

in the downward pole plunging,

the gold medal is in his French lycra pocket.

HE GROANS

And if any viewers are worried, let me reassure you

that the camera is absolutely fine!

Now, we can go over to Tokyo for a nice walk.

Thanks, Gary. As we all know,

nice and orderly walking had its origins in the Tokyo rush hour

and it's now become one of the fastest growing sports in the world.

This team, the Travel Agents, are fairly new to the sport,

but as you can see, their walking is both nice and orderly,

precisely how it should be.

Next up, the Black Suits and this team really do dominate the sport.

They've won gold six times at the World Championships

and it's not difficult to see why.

MAN SHOUTS COMMANDS

Just watch this next move - the two groups pass through

one another without touching, a bit like water through a sieve,

or pedestrians passing other pedestrians in the street.

Really is a marvel to watch. And look at them doing it backwards!

Tremendous stuff here in Tokyo. What a country!

What do you make of that, Alan?

Very poor, no pace, bad positioning.

He shoulda been here, he shoulda been there, he shoulda been here,

he shoulda been there, he shoulda been here, he shoulda been there,

he shoulda been here, he shoulda been there, he shoulda been here,

he shoulda been there, he shoulda been here, then it might,

and I mean might, have worked!

Now, a poignant part of the show

and let's take a moment to remember the sports we've lost this year.

A number of these fairly unimportant sports passed away this year

and we mourn their loss.

MUSIC: "Con Te Partiro" by Sartori and Quarantotto

That's truly, truly, truly...

..move the prompt up a bit...

heartbreaking scenes.

I've not cried so much since I scratched me Mamma Mia DVD.

It's all right, you can borrow mine. It's in great condition.

Well, that's it, I enjoyed it. Did you enjoy it, Lorry?

Yeah, I loved it, thanks, Gary. Had the time of me life.

Did you enjoy it, Alan?

Classic stuff. Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd