World Cup's Best Ever Goals, Ever!

DOORBELL RINGS 'What?!'

Jason? Hi, it's Ben Jessop from the BBC.

Hey, there's nothing to see here.

She's 19, she's her mum and he's just filming it.

Jason, it's nothing like that, we're... Hold on.

FIREWORK WHISTLES

EXPLOSION

Now listen up - I've never even met John Terry's dad.

Now sod off! No, Jason. Jason? We're not from the News.

We've come to film the World Cup's Best Ever Goals Ever!

Your agent said it would be all right to come round today.

No, today's out of the question, I'm meant to be doing nothing today.

KEYPAD BEEPS Hang on...

Yeah, great night last night, wasn't it?

No, I don't know how I got back.

Oh, I must have driven meself home, yeah.

Now, what's this about this telly show?

BBC Three? That doesn't even exist.

This show sounds like a complete load of crap to me.

How much are they paying?

To be fair, this show sounds all right, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Lads, hang on a second!

You've got one hour.

Hi there.

I'm Jason Bent from the Premier League,

and this is the World Cup's Best Ever Goals Ever!

Simply put, the World Cup is the greatest tournament on Earth.

Apart from the Champion's League, obviously, that's a lot better.

FA Cup, that's great that is, full of magic.

League Cup, gives it a run for its money.

But the World Cup is-is good.

The World Cup, for me, it's inspired me all me life.

Just think of the World Cup greats - Pele.

Maradona... Erm...

Have I said Pele? I've said Pele.

Erm, the other Brazilian lads.

Erm...Brazil.

Erm...

Playing in the World Cup's the biggest honour you can get.

I mean, it's right up there with getting a sponsorship deal

with a watch manufacturer.

That'll be me one day.

Erm, at the moment I do the voice of Barry the Banana.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Barry the Banana! I'm Nature's crisps."

"What should I take to school?"

"Take me! I'm Barry the Banana. Don't forget to recycle me skin!"

Good, that.

Solo goals.

Erm, I've got loads.

I want to swim with dolphins.

I've done twins. So sextuplets would be great. Ideally all sisters.

And I want to invent a new colour, sort of orangey-browny,

with like, a bit of blue in there.

That's not what you meant?

Fair dinkum.

People say scoring a goal's better than sex.

I say try it with two girls

and a crocodile clip on your goolie-whackers.

I mean, the ultimate feeling, I suppose, is scoring a goal

with a crocodile clip on your whackers.

And I've done that once - Oldham away. Carling Cup replay.

2-2.

Look to camera.

These are my best ever World Cup solo goals ever. Cut.

Yeah.

COMMENTATOR: 'And what about this for a break now?

'By Schachner, who's got Krankl on the far side, coming in from the left.

'It's still Schachner, number 18.

'And what a good goal!'

Ooh, Spanish defence caught napping there.

Not surprised, really.

Lunchtime kick-off.

West Germany?!

What happened to West Germany? They used to be a great team.

Just disappeared.

It's like Wimbledon all over again.

'Rummenigge goes all the way, does he?

'He does.'

Now this goal's all about raw pace.

I'm not the quickest player meself,

but slip a little something extra in me drinks bottle

and I'll run all day.

And dance all evening. And party all night.

And have a massive comedown the following morning.

And miss training. And get fined.

Thank God for super-injunctions.

Yeah, most Dutch World Cup goals tend to be solo efforts,

cos about three days into the tournament

they've all had a massive row and won't pass to each other.

Oopsie, someone's had one smoke too many.

Bloody hell, another one. Anyone got any crisps? I'm starving.

Haven't had any brekkie.

CRISPS RUSTLE Cheers.

Get in, yes.

CRUNCHING

MUFFLED: Another one. He's going to run.

Mmm. I love crisps.

'I wonder if he can see Omam-Biyik - Njanka.

'It's a brilliant run by the Cameroon number 6!'

Good lad.

Another goal.

That's it, go on.

Get in.

Yes.

'And here is Elkjaer. Elkjaer through...'

Ooh... And another one.

He's done a run.

'Elkjaer, yes, it is.'

Has anyone got any baby wipes?

I'm all greasy.

This is my pool table.

Erm...

Still haven't worked out where the pound coins go yet.

Have a look over there - this is my bar.

Now this is where I come for a quiet drink.

Unless I've lost a match - then I get absolutely battered.

Or if we've won a game - then I get totally and utterly smashed.

Now this isn't actually a pineapple.

That's the sort of stuff I can afford.

Well, presumably they're going to meet up at Gatwick

and take the plane?

Obviously, I'm really excited, and honoured,

to be joining the England party for the World Cup this year.

It's not the official one,

it's just me and Rio, Barton, Crouchy and Terry.

We're meeting in Tiger Tiger in Croydon.

Terry's Dad's providing the entertainment.

To be honest, Crouchy was only invited in case his missus turns up.

I would.

Who wouldn't?

I would.

At the World Cup, there's no such thing as an easy game these days.

Apart from when you play teams from your Middle Easts,

your Asias, your Australasias, your Euthanasias...

Basically, you should be looking to tonk anyone

who's not from Europe or South America.

Yeah, a lot's made of England's tactics. Their formation.

How do you get the best out of those 11 players?

4-4-2, or 4-3-3...

That's ten, isn't it?

4-4-2... This is ten!

4-3-3, ten.

This is massive! Will someone get me agent on the blower?

We've been one down. Yeah, every four bloody years.

This is massive.

I'm Jason Bent,

and these are my greatest ever England World Cup goals ever.

48 minutes left, everyone.

'England making Portugal chase.

'And it's Hurst.

'Back to Charlton - this could be it!

'It is!'

It's amazing how technique has moved on since then.

Now you've got plugs, weaves,

transplants...

he's just got a bloody comb-over.

'And here comes Hurst.

'He's got... Some people are on the pitch.

'They think it's all over...'

"Some people are on the pitch"?! There's always people on the pitch.

It's a game of football.

'Gerrard.

'Oh, it's number two!'

Stevie G, what a legend!

I mean, he made scoring that

look like he was up against a bunch of part-timers

from the Caribbean who had never qualified before or since.

'They're appealing for offside.

'The Germans, and they're in trouble, they couldn't do it!

'And England equalised!

'It's Gary Lineker!'

Lineker? Gary Lineker?

What? We used to let TV presenters play for England?

Who was in goal for us? Phillip Schofield?

'It's come out to Joe Cole.

'There's the volley!'

Ooooh. Now that goal was worthy of winning the World Cup.

Or getting knocked out by Portugal in the quarterfinals.

Take your pick.

'This is Gerrard in the box!

'Steven Gerrard scores!'

Yeah! England can beat the best, you know.

Tunisia, Liechtenstein, Montserrat...

not America, though.

'That's Beckham!

'Oh, it's in!'

Ah, stunning, stunning technique.

Look at the fade on that.

Blonde highlights at their very best.

'Scholes. Still Scholes.

'Oh, yes!'

Now, Paul Scholes has shown great bravery to get in that position.

He's ginger, and the sun's out.

'And chipped in...

'and volleyed in!'

David Platt, or Platty as they called him.

I don't know why.

Wow! Unbelievable.

Non-electronic advertising hoardings.

'And Lineker's sneaking in, a chance for England here!

'Is it in? It is!'

Now this is what the World Cup's all about.

A big punt forward, striker miscontrols it,

it bobbles past the keeper who falls over

and scuffs it in from a yard.

Football at its finest.

Now, if you're wondering how this tournament ended

we lost on penalties.

'This is Owen.'

Michael Owen against Argentina.

Everyone remembers where they were when that one went in.

I was in bed with his missus.

If you're wondering how it ended - we lost on penalties.

'It's coming in toward Peter Crouch!'

Crouchy!

Great goal.

Better do the robot, Crouchy.

Do the robot.

Do the ro... DO THE ROBOT.

Do... Ugh! That's the only reason you're in the team, Crouchy.

Now, if you're wondering how this tournament ended,

we lost on penalties.

This is my kitchen, erm, apparently.

I'm not a typical footballer.

I like fruit.

Erm, I don't like the texture of tomatoes, though.

Like, do you think when you're asleep they come alive?

Not sure.

Erm, I'm a big gadget man.

This...

is a "peeler".

Mad, that.

I keep my water in here.

This is my fridge and my freezer.

One looks like the other, but one of them's colder.

Erm...

I keep my crisps in here.

A sports psychologist once told me, "Jason, there's no 'I' in team."

Now, I don't know if that's true or not.

I'll leave that to the experts.

But what I do know is, without any team-mates,

your formation options are very limited.

0-0-1, 1-0-0, 0-1-0...

and if anyone gets sent off, heaven help you.

They say the best teams aren't teams of individuals,

they're an individual team.

BUT, if the team of individuals had the world's best individuals in it,

it'd still batter an individual team

of not great individuals, wouldn't it? So, you know, that's...

Well, that's why people say I should go into management.

I don't think I will, I bloody hate football.

Here's some goals.

Team ones.

One pass...

..two passes...

..three passes...

Erm, I'm going to need some help in a bit.

Four passes...

seven...

twenteen...

another one...

Loads.

Have I said three?

So many passes.

It's like Robbie Savage on Celebrity Mastermind.

'Kuyt. Van Persie with him.

'Liverpool to Arsenal.'

"Liverpool to Arsenal"?!

Holland to Holland, you numpty.

'Van Persie again!

'Robin van Persie scores.

'Iniesta's won it here.

'Iniesta to Torres, veered to his left-hand side.

'Back inside to Iniesta - brilliant goal!'

Yeah, Torres took one for the team.

He said, "I'm going down so I can't get involved

Yeah. Top lad.

Yeah, we all remember this game

for Frank Lampard's goal that never was.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world

remembers this game for the Germans giving us a 4-1 kicking.

'Oh, that was obstruction, surely?'

Open goal. Shoot!

Yeah, or do that.

Yeah, that works.

That did the job.

Good lad.

'To Tigana... Oh!'

The French have always had great strikers.

Their teachers, truck drivers, farmers...

'Nice little header.

'Quickly seized upon by Beardsley.

'Lineker checking back, when he might have gone straight on.

'Trevor Steven is unmarked.

'Gary Stevens coming up on the right.'

Hang on, that's six passes. That is not England.

Who else plays in white? That's Real Madrid. I'm sorry,

how can that be England?

Ahh. That's more like it. We're getting outskilled,

outpassed and outplayed by a technically superior team.

Come on, England!

Jairzinho!

Back to him here, and he looks for Fernando Torres...

Oh, what a splendid goal!

You know, it's sad what's happened to Torres. Look at him back then...

a bleached Mohican mullet.

Now what? Grade 2 all over.

All the effort's just gone.

Sod off, I'm not reading his name.

I watched this with Nelson Mandela. Got on great, we did.

A lot of mutual respect. He'd done 27 years for freedom fighting

and then went on to unite a country.

I'd done 17 weeks for running over a postman

and then went on loan to Portsmouth.

Ready.

Crisps.

Pop-up.

Dental nurse.

Erm...banana, obviously but,

or apple or a satsuma - no,

pomegranate... Pass.

Definitely satsuma.

One. Oh, shoulda gone bigger.

Erm...can I say stripes?

Gaffer's daughter.

Me crisps.

Ironman.

Paul McKenna I Can Stop You Touching Yourself. It's not a CD,

he lives round the corner. I give him a lift in. Yes!

What did I get? What did I get?!

Will someone tell me what I got?!

Here are some great World Cup volleys.

That's a great goal!

That wasn't even Rodriguez's best World Cup moment.

That came four years later in South Africa when he coshed

Bastian Schweinsteiger over the head.

Oh, can we slow that down?

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Oh.

A real threat from this sort of set piece.

The ball is aimed towards him.

Ah. Tunisia against Saudi Arabia.

We all remember where we were when that goal went in.

I was probably out... with Michael Owen's missus.

Lorimer! 1-0!

You're applauding yourself there, mate. That's the fans' jobs.

Scotland didn't get to many World Cups -

didn't know how to behave. I applauded myself once,

when I finally completed the full set of Sugababes, past and present.

Full house. I thank you.

Bloody hell, I'm bursting here.

Sorry, lads, I've got to pop out.

Yeah, no, keep it rolling, I'll be fine.

This is Pablo Garcia.

Dario Rodriguez... Oh, my goodness!

JASE URINATES

JASE IN OTHER ROOM: Bang! Cracking shot!

They got it right.

Inside the area for the free kick.

Right, I'm back.

Bloody hell, who's she? She's gorgeous. Wow.

Er, she's not.

A run here came from Ramirez and they've got players in the middle...

Can't think of anything on this one.

Hey, I've drawn a Blank-O.

A Blank-O. Did you hear that?

Eder...

He said Eder. It's not a header. He kicked that.

They say footballers are stupid.

Oh, great. Another goal by someone I've never heard of at a World Cup

I never knew existed. Can we move on, please?

This is me sock room...

where I keep my socks.

This is me panic room, where I come if I can't find the remote control,

or I run out of crisps.

That's never happened. Thank goodness.

These carpets are made from endangered species.

They're dead snuggly on your toes.

No, no, no, no, no, don't go in there, please.

That's haunted. Thank you.

If you want your celebrations to make the Match Of The Day credits,

you've got to put the work in on the training ground.

I'm talking about choreographed set pieces, mime, expressive art,

narrative through dance. Ribbons.

Last season, me and the lads come up with a celebration

that told the entire story of the Matrix trilogy.

Unfortunately, Neo got transferred before we got a chance to use it.

Gutted.

If I score an own goal, I just keep it dead simple.

A cheeky backflip. Maybe kiss me opposite number's badge.

When it comes to goal celebrations,

it don't get much worse than this.

Aimless running about, leaping up and down like a div,

topped off with a crap forward roll.

Sandberg? More like rubbish-berg.

South Korea.

I'm more of a North Korea fan, myself.

The Korean derby. That's rivalry.

Like an Asian Peterborough-Northampton.

For kids watching, this is what happens

if you don't put in the training for your celebrations.

You can't just bounce up and down like a five-year-old,

cock your leg and flash one of your goolie-whackers to a photographer.

Oh, and Bouba Diop is there!

And Senegal have scored the first goal.

If you're going to take your shirt off to celebrate,

try not to wear your grandad's vest underneath it.

Two words, Corry Ography.

You look like JLS after a night on the Sambuca.

These little, intricate one-twos...

Top pro, Maradona. He treated his body like a temple.

A temple with a fat, drug-taking cheat inside.

Great chance. Great goal.

Oh, I love this celebration.

This is how to beat a defender.

A couple of step-overs...

then bang! Elbow in the face.

Eriksson. Gave us all a lot of confidence.

If a bloke like him can pull Ulrika Johnsson,

we realised anything's possible.

Of course, under Eriksson we had that magical night in Munich.

S'pose a miracle happened.

Emile Heskey scored at international level.

To give Sven his dues, he knew when his time was up...

and two tournaments later he left. Poor McClaren.

Still, he's done all right in Formula 1, hasn't he?

Hodgson. Now, if you listen to Hodgson,

he's like a cross between Hoddle and Robson.

"Hodge-Son". My name's a cross between Ben and "T".

That's true, that.

Yeah, I'd like to manage England one day. I started collecting my badges,

but unfortunately I had to shoot all my badges

cos of that bovine TB thing.

Training ground bust-ups?

Then no-one gets the bus. Everyone drives.

As far as training's concerned,

I'm always first to arrive and last to leave.

It's not that I enjoy training,

I just don't want anyone seeing me knob.

Banter's a massive part of training.

We're always playing practical jokes on each other. You might put

Deep Heat in their shorts or hide their socks or

set fire to their car while their dog's still in it.

The gaffer says, "What happens in the dressing room

"stays in the dressing room." And I think that's right.

No-one wants to see a 42 year-old Columbian reserve team keeper

try to shave his own back.

Gaffer also says, "What happens on the training ground

"stays on the training ground." That, I don't agree with,

because you have to think of new tactics during the game.

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

Junior?

He's going to feel a right div being called that when he gets older.

Senior?

He's going to feel a right div being called that when he gets younger.

It's nicely done, it's Brolin...

It's brilliant!

Well, I'm enjoying this a lot less than the last time

I watched a load of Swedish blondes pile on top of each other.

Oh...

And a magnificent goal!

Another goal. Don't know who he is. Next.

He takes a long run to get distance on those.

Might work. Klose, straight down the middle.

Klose's in!

Miroslav Klose has given Germany the lead.

It winds me up. First we invent football,

now everyone does that better than us,

then we invent crappy route one goals

and the Germans do that better than us.

Can people stop nicking our stuff?

You have to have a pool.

You're going to get a lot of stick from the lads

if you don't have at least one pool.

I come down here to relax, whack on the armbands,

have a little splish-splash. I've got to get the pool fixed, though,

cos the bloody Polish builders messed it up.

They built it with the floor all sloping.

I managed to get them to fix the water, though.

Cost me a bloody fortune, but at least that's all level now.

I've got to get it moved anyway. It's only 50 yards from the garage,

and I have accidentally parked the 4-by-4 in here a couple of times.

Luckily I didn't hurt myself because I was so drunk,

so I was nice and limp.

And the airbags kept me afloat until the morning.

That's me garden. I keep it outside.

You're best off being clean shaven

if you want to make it to the very highest level, and by that I mean

a long-term sponsorship with a top razor company.

Don't know if any of them are them are watching now...

Mmm, that's close. That's smooth.

Ten blades in a 4-4-2 formation.

That's football. That's shaving.

That's being a man.

I actually played with a moustache for a season and a half.

It started out as a bet, but I kept it because referees didn't

recognise me so I could get away with anything.

And the fans loved me moustache.

Do you remember the Judi Dench thing

when people started using her name to say something was cool?

You know, "That's Dench, that is."

The fans did the same with my moustache.

They'd look at me and say, "That tash is Bent."

Fantastic.

I had to shave it off in the end, though, cos the Mexican FA

kept asking if I was eligible. I said, "No way, Jose."

Do you get that?

Get that in both?

I've definitely seen this goal scorer before,

either in an old World Cup sticker album or a vintage grot mag.

Hey, football stickers and grot mags - that's an idea.

"Porn-ini." Get in, Jase.

One of our sports teachers had a Graeme Souness muzzy.

Miss Campbell, her name was. Still would have, though.

Yeah, for me, Ruud Gullit's a classic example

of someone who should never have shaved his 'tash off.

You seen him recently?

His whole face is just one massive, empty top lip.

Takes me back, this.

I used to see blokes like this in me mum's catalogues.

I say catalogues. I mean car.

Look at the state of that, that's not a fashion statement -

he looks like he's been sleeping rough!

Oh, don't kiss him, you'll catch something nasty.

Rivelino with a shot... And it's a beautiful goal!

I'm sorry - is this section just blokes with facial hair

scoring goals? What's the point?

Socrates...

..found the angle! Beauty!

I'd love to comment on the actual goal,

but this is the facial hair section, apparently, so I can't.

This is pathetic. That's enough. I'm going for a swim.

I'm not putting on me armbands, you can't make me.

This is me.

I come and look at this if I can't find a mirror.

It's not great for shaving though.

Cost a few quid but it's definitely worth it, great for security -

if people look through the letter box they see this, think I'm in,

they don't burgle me. I like it.

I had no idea I was that tall, or flat or painty.

There's my post. These'll be from fans.

Get a lot of fan mail.

They've sent me a photo of me in me car.

"Dear Mr Bent..."

Hey, chill out, call me Jason.

"This is the third time of writing to require payment.

"We will be taking proceedings."

Look, they've even put what speed I was going in me car.

They're bloody obsessed. Love the fans.

When you go up to take a penalty there's a huge

weight on your shoulders.

Score, and you're one step closer to winning the greatest

tournament on earth.

Miss, you get two weeks' extra holiday and a Pizza Hut advert.

It's a massive dilemma. I treat my penalty taking very seriously.

I take into account the keeper's record, my previous five penalties,

the wind speed, the humidity, the length of the grass,

then I shut my eyes and muller that bleedin' ball as hard as I can.

Yeah, I miss sometimes, but I just open my eyes, run round,

and have another go.

The Germans are a lot better at penalties than we are,

but there's a reason for that.

We take our penalties from 12 yards,

the Germans take theirs from 11 metres.

It's one easier. It's cheating.

If you think taking a penalty at the World Cup is pressure,

apparently in America they've got this thing called the death penalty.

That's pressure.

Here's a rusty man in terms of taking penalties.

I'm a big fan of Shearer.

He once called me

the complete antithesis of what a professional footballer should be.

Which I thought was dead nice considering I'd never even

met the fella.

Don't change your luck now.

It's Owen...

Michael Owen does very well there -

he took that penalty two hours after his bedtime.

Yeah, I know you want your tea, Michael,

and your blankie, and your bedtime story.

Stands staring and shouting as in comes Lineker...and scores.

Lineker again. Top lad.

Give that man a crisp advert.

Two goals for Gary Lineker from the penalty spot.

What winds me up about Becks, he kisses the England badge,

then just a year later he's playing for Madrid.

There's no loyalty left in the international game.

Lovely hair though.

Beardsley... This was England's first-ever penalty shoot-out

and Peter Beardsley has all the confidence of a man that

doesn't know we're going to turn out to be

completely crap at them for ever -

starting in about two kicks' time, eh, Pearcey?

Another England penalty shoot-out.

There's the grim reaper.

The only way for England to score a penalty - get a German to take it.

Top lad.

I'm not just about football, I've got loads of hobbies.

I collect 3D glasses.

That's not even all of them.

Bloody hell.

Yous are so realistic.

This is mental.

I feel I can touch you. I feel like I'm touching you.

This is a really weird experience.

I'm known for scoring goals from distance -

about three yards normally.

Mind you, I scored from the halfway line once.

I called that a screamer.

Alan Hansen called it a reckless back pass.

Scarface...bastard.

These are Jason Bent's Best Ever World Cup Screamer Goals Ever.

Smashed it.

He's bald.

He's not.

It's in.

They're playing into Chilean hands - a lot of defenders back now.

Not a bad try...

Goal by Brietner. Goal. That's two I've done.

Heinze. Tevez.

Closed down a little belatedly, still Carlos Tevez went for goal...

Yeah. Another one.

I'm rattling through them.

Haan with the shot...

Oh, it's gone in!

Apparently Haan played for Holland, and the Netherlands, and the Dutch.

Bloody Judas.

Muller's come inside now.

Gets a pass away to Ozil...

Wow. You try scoring a goal like that

when both your eyes look in different directions.

Nedved in towards Koller. Away by Onyewu.

Rosicky...

Oh, what a goal!

He looks great there. Then he played for Arsenal.

Giovanni van Bronckhorst! Oh, what a goal.

He looks great there. And then he played for Arsenal.

Here's Amokachi, trying to go alone.

Still Amokachi. Brilliant run.

Oh, what a fantastic goal.

He's done well there. Especially playing in his PJs.

Figo's found Deco...

And Deco has scored a screamer.

Of course he's scored a screamer,

that's why he's in the screamer section.

Belanov.

Rats.

This is a striker called Rats beating a keeper called Bats.

Rats versus Bats. That's funny!

End of.

This is Frings, who could try one from here.

# All Frings bright and beautiful. #

# Frings can only get better. #

# Frings that make you go hmm. #

How many more of these are there?

I'm bored of World Cup goals.

Brazil. What a nation.

Not only have they given us the greatest football the world's ever

seen, they've also invented some incredible stuff -

the Brazil nut.

Erm...shaving your snizz.

I've been to Brazil.

A lot of people live in these shanty towns called falafels...

favelas.

If you don't know what a favela is, imagine Wakefield and Bradford

and Huddersfield stacked on top of each other and shoved up a hill.

And if you can't imagine that, just picture Wolverhampton.

It's called a free kick because it's free,

and you're not allowed to head it.

There's players who are specialist free-kick takers.

I'm a specialist free-kick maker, like Ashley Young and Luis Suarez.

Now it's time for Jason Bent's Best Ever World Cup Free Kicks Ever.

Yeah. It was all right, wasn't it?

It's Roberto Carlos...

So much for the Great Wall of China - straight through.

I'd have expected the Polish to put a better wall up.

Oh, Branco - poor lad.

Shortly after this he suffered a terrible tragedy -

he signed for Middlesbrough.

You what? Yugoslavia against Zaire?

Neither of them exist.

Where was this World Cup? Narnia?

It dipped - he's scored.

Ronaldo, eat your heart out.

Suzuki Honda - the man's a genius.

Loves a brand deal so much he sold his entire name to sponsors.

Srna's poised to strike here, and he's got it over the wall and into...

What a shot.

Gaffer's happy. Or else he's lost the use of his legs.

Either way, he's pleased.

Looks like van Persie...

Oh!

You don't score better goals in a World Cup than that!

Yes, you do.

Are we done yet? Can we just finish?

It was so interesting out in Africa. I went on safari

and I killed three hippos.

Apparently, there's only four left in the wild so I did really well.

Turns out one was pregnant so really,

that counts as four, doesn't it?

It's such an experience to see wildlife up close like that,

all dead.

We went on an official tour of the townships.

Fascinating - like a documentary.

There was a tribe did a dance for us and I just thought,

"Where the bloody hell have you been for the last 20 years?

"What sort of moves are they?"

I'll tell you why defenders are really important.

Without them, midfielders would be the defenders...

and strikers would be midfielders.

And that means there'd be no strikers in the world.

That's mad, that. Stuff like that makes you believe in the moon.

What really winds me up about defenders is when they score a goal,

cos that's a goal that should have been my goal.

I'll say to them, "What are you playing at?

"Stop nicking my goals."

You'll never, ever see me tracking back and trying to do your job.

These are me best-ever goals scored by defenders at World Cups ever.

Edmilson makes the forward run.

Good fluidity of movement, options in the box.

Oh! That's outrageous!

I mean, what's a centre-back doing that far up the pitch?

That's just poor bloody discipline.

Listen, Brazil, if you're going to play like that,

you're never going to win anything.

Felipe Melo, away to Elano.

Maicon overlapping...

Ooh! Is this mic on?

Is this mic on?

Did you get that?

Ha-ha! Brilliant.

Nelinho. Roberto making for the far post.

Ooh, he's curled one! That's a great goal!

Yeah, not bad, I s'pose.

But I'd like to see him try that on a wet Wednesday in November

against Stoke in the League Cup after

drinking non-stop for 48 hours.

Come on, England!

Brehme.

Beautiful goal, Brehme.

It's heart-warming seeing thousands upon thousands of flag-waving

Germans together in a stadium, celebrating world domination.

It's in! Gary Breen.

Holland? Holland playing for Ireland?

That doesn't make sense, that. They're cheating.

That's actually... They're cheats.

Heinze, he scores!

It's a soup-er goal! Do you get that?

His name's Heinze. I said soup-er goal.

Pleased with that. Ooh, does Sol Campbell score?

I've just thought of something for him.

Here's Albert... Still Albert!

Goal! Great goal, that.

Hang on, he's got a moustache.

He's got a moustache and he's in the defenders' goals section.

I'm sorry, what's the point in having these categories

if we're not going to stick to them?

They say you have to be mad to be a goalkeeper.

The other thing you have to be is fat at school and crap at football.

Our keeper is known as "The Cat".

Nothing to do with his agility,

but if he lies on his back and you tickle his tummy he bites you.

Don't do that.

Here's Damien Duff again.

Now, in fairness, it's easy to criticise,

so that's what I'm going to do.

He's crap. Next.

Colombia, facing 12 minutes

from the end of their hopes.

And Higuita's got himself into trouble.

Yep. Rubbish keeper. He's in the right section.

Oh, so that's what them sticks in the corners are for,

scratching your goolies.

Ah, remember that? Greeny makes a terrible error there.

We all knew what to do. We pulled together as a team.

We knuckled down, we regrouped and sent him

death threats hoping he'd leave the game.

Knocked forward for Clarke.

Out of his area.

He scooped that hopelessly. Oh, and he's now slipped.

Well, I've heard of having a few drinks after the game,

but never before and during. Top lad, I suppose.

Kovac, looked as though he was setting himself.

He's getting closer! Just missed it!

As an expert pundit, I've spotted exactly what the keeper did wrong

there - he turned up even though he's bloody useless at football.

The keeper's come and he's not got there.

Now here's a lesson for all young keepers out there.

If you're going to come out and punch,

you've got to make contact with the striker's head.

Completely missed it.

Now it's Bonev.

Oh, he's scored.

Another rubbish keeper. Brilliant. Move on.

Good play by Wim Jonk.

Goes for the shot this time.

Oh!

'Ey, Dick Advocaat.

My mother-in-law's two favourite things.

Valdomiro!

Oh, bad mistake.

Yeah, a goalkeeper's never meant to be beaten at his near post...

or his far post, I suppose...

or the bit in the middle, to be fair,

otherwise what's the point in a goalkeeper?

Yeah, good point, Jase. Thank you, Jase.

It's all very well being a Premier League footballer,

but if you want to stand out from the crowd and get to that

next level of fame, you need something a little bit special.

20 goals a season, scoring for your country.

Or for me it was getting nicked copping off in a lay-by

with the runner-up of Big Brother.

Erm, I'm still in touch with him actually. Top lad.

Has success changed me? Not at all.

Take away the 38 million quid, the tan, the 12 cars,

the eight houses, the shark tank, the petting zoo

and the fighter jets, I'm still just plain old Jase.

Yeah, it's nice to have a bit of cash,

but I still try to watch what I spend.

I like spending money on clothes, but I'm not stupid.

Yeah, OK, this suit cost 1.2 million quid,

but it's the actual suit that Jesus was crucified in.

That's what the bloke in the shop said, and he should know.

He told me he used to be the king of Israel.

I'm Jason Bent. And these are some lobs...

ever.

Slovakia show it.

Oh, and Marchetti's under pressure and is it in? Yes, it is!

I haven't seen a skinhead screaming like that

since Britney had her breakdown.

Top lad.

Oooh!

Cracking goal by Quag...Quack...Qwog...Italy!

This is Degryse. The keeper's come right out of his area.

Oooh, Degryse, aren't you the big man?

Well done, mate.

Lobbing a teeny, tiny keeper from Korea, that's hard, isn't it(?)

Pick on someone your own size.

Ray Houghton.

It's that age-old story of a Scotsman brought up in England

playing for Ireland against Italy in America, doing a roly-poly.

Next...

Ooh, he's called Kiss.

Now if he scores, he's got to give someone a kiss.

He's scored, Give someone a kiss, Kiss.

Yes, he's done it, someone give him one back, yes!

Kiss has kissed someone and Kiss has been kissed by someone.

It's brilliant.

Through to Ilie who could go all the way through.

Yeah, a good goal, I suppose, but we've just seen Kiss kiss someone

and someone else kissing Kiss, so can we stop now?

Image is so important. What would a footballer be without an image?

That's right - Mark Lawrenson.

I've always tried to follow in Becks' footsteps with my

hairstyles, but I've never tried the cornrows, though, mainly cos when

you're white and you get cornrows, you look like a complete bloody div.

You don't see black people walking around

with, like, a Ken Barlow side parting, do you?

And if I did and I saw them,

I'd say, "Mate, you look like a complete bloody div.

"Sort your haircut out. Bastards!"

Can we take five?

Yeah. Let's take five.

People often say to me -

"Jase, wouldn't you have loved to play in the '70s -

"the birds, the booze, the clubbing?"

And I say, "No, I do that now anyway."

Plus, the money was crap back then and to top it all off,

you had to have a haircut like Katy Perry.

Roberto Baggio's throwing it in. Yes!

Now, listen -

the only time a beaded ponytail is acceptable is

if you're an eight-year-old girl on holiday in Lanzarote.

And to be honest, if I saw an eight-year-old girl on holiday in

Lanzarote with a beaded ponytail, I'd still want to give her a slap.

Roberto, what were you thinking, man?

And Valderrama is away!

Carlos Valderrama and that famous barnet.

I once tried to do this to my own hair, actually.

Yeah, I missed the first half arsing about with curling tongs.

In fact, it's one of the few things Colombians have got to offer

I'd say no to.

Boka to try again.

Now, here is the first referee I've ever respected, cos the most

eye-catching haircut on the field belongs to him.

He's painted the top of his head black and varnished it.

Top lad.

This is the Jason Bent experience - it's a museum dedicated to me.

Erm, I like to come here when I want to think about me.

Or if I've been thinking about me somewhere else and I want somewhere

different to think about me, then I'll come here and think about me.

This is my collection of signed shirts. Check them out.

I sign all me own shirts.

"Dear Jason, all the best, Jason."

"Dear Jason, get well soon, Jason."

Wasn't feeling great that day.

"To Jason, keep it up, love Jason." Bit patronising, that one.

Now, this shirt was meant to be auctioned at a big charity

dinner in aid of poorly kids.

Could've made millions, but I really like it so I kept it.

This I got playing snakes and ladders.

I came second.

This is a replica of the trophy I won...

..or would've won if any of the teams I play for had won one.

This is Profit, the official smell of Jason Bent.

HE SNIFFS

Gets me going every time.

Now, for me, I'm not just a footballer, I'm also an artist.

This here is a robot that I made out of cardboard and stuff -

this was chocolates, this was from one of them miniature cereal boxes.

His name's Dominic. Shall we have a look at Dominic again?

"I am a robot."

This, I found on the beach.

Still signed it.

Here we go.

This is actually a candle.

Footballers are quite superstitious.

I've got a 40-point pre-match ritual starting a month before each game.

Begins with me mowing the lawn backwards, ends with

a priest dousing me house in cat's blood the night before kick-off.

There can be problems

when two players have exactly the same superstition.

Me and Tommo have to be the last to leave the dressing room

before a match, so neither of us has actually played for two seasons.

Caminero and Salinas waiting in the centre.

Oh! It's gone in!

OK, that's a little bit lucky, that - but don't call it a fluke,

not when it's against the Germans. Let's call it karma.

Matthaus for Heinrich.

Oh, he's hit the post, but Klinsmann!

Now, that one is definitely pure fluke.

The ball's just hit him

while he's in the middle of diving for a penalty.

Good delivery!

I don't understand.

Why is that a fluke? That's a good header, that.

You've got this wrong, this isn't a fluke...

Oh, I see, he's whacked it in with his goolie-whackers.

Yeah, it's in the right section. Good stuff.

And it's been deflected, and it's in the net.

Apparently, this was Peter Shilton's 950th cap. He was nearly 80,

and he couldn't jump because of his knackered old bones.

Poor fella.

If he was a horse, they'd have wrapped the green screen round him

and shot him.

It's a goal!

Ronaldinho said he meant that. He called it "The Floating Leaf".

I call that "The Talking Crap".

Here we go, then.

If you've watched all of the show up till now,

bloody well done, you nutcase.

This is the bit we've been waiting for.

The finale, here we go!

These are Jason Bent's greatest ever World Cup goals ever,

as personally chosen by a BBC researcher I've never met.

They might be quite good. I've no idea.

I've never seen them.

There he is. Pele, the world's second-best player...after me.

'Ey, come on, where's the defending? Is this a testimonial or something?

Yeah, don't bother yourselves, lads, it's only the World bloody Cup!

Now it's Cruyff's turn - did you hear that?

I didn't even mean it.

Holland playing Total Football, a system subtly

adapted by England in every World Cup since, called Total Cack.

The finish, superb.

Careca and Casagrande waiting for a cross there...and Josimar!

Come on, how can this be one of the best ever World Cup goals

when they're playing Northern Ireland?

Me nan could score a goal against Northern Ireland and me nan's dead.

Beautifully brought down by Bergkamp!

Oh, what a goal!

I'm sorry, again - best ever World Cup Goals?

Come on, that's route one football,

defender's just lumped it up there.

There's no skill in this whatsoever, it's embarrassing.

Baggio!

And still Baggio!

And he's taking them all on.

That's a fantastic goal!

I tell you what, you wouldn't want to be a supporter

when your team are playing Italy.

It's not that they're all that good,

it's just that the national anthem lasts for about 18 minutes.

How can you expect the fans to boo for that long?

Oh, don't show this one. Come on.

Ugh, Diego Maradona against England, 1986, the hand of bloody G... Oooh!

He's used his feet.

Er, sorry, Diego, we got that one wrong.

Low-tar Matthaus?

I wouldn't smoke anything else.

Did you hear that? Low-tar, as in fags.

Brilliant. You're on great form today, Jase. I know.

So here we go -

the greatest ever World Cup goal.

Just count the passes.

No, seriously, you count the passes, I'm done.

You've had your hour. I'm off the clock.

Can someone get me my money now?

I've seen so many bloody goals, I feel sick.

Come on, make it stop, please. Just make it stop. Who's got me money?

How many clips of the World Cup can one person watch?

I've watched too much football. You've ruined the World Cup for me.

I never want to see another goal again, I never want to play again.

Someone give me my money!