Episode 1 Alan Davies Après-ski

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Hello! I'm Alan Davies. Welcome to Apres-Ski.

Yeah! Yes, I suppose I'd better own up.

I'm not a great winter sports participant.

Always more the king of the snowplough.

A 1981 school trip was characterised

by entry-level gluhwein consumption,

low-speed impacts and unremarkable falls.

But it's here at last. Winter Olympics fever has taken hold.

Up and down the country, kids are going down the park

with their curling gear to have a curlabout.

I'm sure, like me, you've chatted about little else down your local.

Only last week,

I was arguing in the pub about whether it would be Bernard Gruber

in the Nordic Combined, or will Eric Frenzel finally win

after all these years?

LAUGHTER

London, of course, had the Summer Olympics in 2012,

but let's face it, what we were all thinking was

"Once we get this out of the way,

"it's just two years until the Winter Olympics."

So, what about the events themselves?

Now, you may say you have never tried these sports.

But did you ever slide your school bag on the ice as far as it would go?

What you were doing there is curling.

Have you ever run along as fast as you can and then skidded on the ice?

What you're doing there is skating.

Have you ever fallen down and hurt yourself?

What you're doing there is skiing.

Now, the slalom, of course, is skiing around poles.

Bobsleigh is hurtling down an ice run,

and speed skating is a three-minute conversation with a total stranger.

Curling - now, curling, you may say, is not exactly athletic.

And it's true that Canadian curler Pizza Paul got his name

because he ordered a pizza, had it and ate it during a match.

His team-mates, Thai Ian and Chinese Steve...

LAUGHTER

..are less well-known.

And their good friend, Cokie Dave, is serving a two-year ban.

Though he will be hanging around outside the village

if you want anything.

Anyway, the reason the games are being held in Sochi

is that it's being promoted as a tourist resort.

This has led to some restrictions in the bobsleigh.

You have to be yea high

and make sure you have your hands in the air on turn three for the photo!

Of course, qualifying heats in some events began yesterday,

and Team GB figure skater Matthew Parr

missed out on qualifying by one place.

He told reporters, "It couldn't have gone better for me."

Don't want to quibble, Matthew, but it could.

So, it's the Winter Olympics. What could possibly go wrong?

Let's meet my Apres-Ski guests,

the Olympian who put British skiing on the map, Konrad Bartelski,

Denmark's hottest comedian, Sofie Hagen,

Dublin's funniest snowboarder, Andrew Maxwell,

and this country's number-one figure skating judge,

Sally-Anne Stapleford!

Let the games begin!

Fantastic to have you here, Konrad. The very name Bartelski...

-It's a clue, isn't it?

-The clue is in the name.

-Yeah.

You're a three-time Olympian.

In 1981, you missed out on winning a World Cup downhill

-by a tenth of a second?

-11 hundredths.

11 hundredths of a second.

Do you think the fact that we're still talking about that

as the greatest achievement by a British skier

is somewhat damning, 33 years later?

Well, Alain Baxter won a bronze medal in 2002 in Salt Lake.

Sadly, Konrad, Alain Baxter wasn't available this evening.

Marvellous to have you here.

Sally-Anne Stapleford, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Sally-Anne Stapleford, five years in a row

you were the British figure skating champion back in the '60s.

That was you at the age of what, eight years old?

Oh, gosh, that brings back wonderful memories.

Was there always a man with a beret looming behind you?

I don't know!

-And twice an Olympian.

-Yes, '64 and '68.

But then I was in the Olympics officiating after that,

so eight Olympics in total.

-Eight Olympics in total.

-Yeah.

Wow.

Andrew, now. Andrew Maxwell, fine comedian, of course,

but there is a reason you are here,

because if there was a Winter Olympics for comedians,

you would clean up, would you not?

I would definitely be in the medal podium.

Myself and Marcus Brigstocke

have been snowboarding together for a long time.

We started at the Altitude Comedy Festival in Austria,

just so that we could snowboard more.

I'm not great. I've been snowboarding for 22 years.

Have you plateaued?

Well, you know, you get to that point where you realise that

if you're Irish or British and you're on a snowboard

and you're in Continental Europe, it doesn't matter how hard you try,

you will still never be as good as the local six-year-olds.

LAUGHTER

I'm not joking, Alan. They bully you. They do! I've had it.

When I was learning to snowboard, I was out in Finland

and I had local kids just knocking me off my board.

And then they'd stop in front of you and go, "Ha, ha, old man!

"You're too old to be cool! We are mocking you in our second language!"

You see, now, there's a reason why we have a Scandinavian on the couch,

and that is exactly it. We thought

"We can't have a Winter Olympics show without a Scandinavian,"

and we have Sofie Hagen. But unfortunately,

it was only after we booked you for the show that we found out

that Denmark has in fact

got a worse record in the Winter Olympics than Britain.

LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-It's sort of flat, like East Anglia, isn't it?

We are the only country, apart from Britain...

But for you, we've put together a little VT,

a compilation of Denmark's finest Winter Olympics moments.

In second place, the silver medal team, Denmark!

LAUGHTER

-She's welling up slightly there. It must be very moving.

-It was.

I'm quite pleased with that.

It has been a spectacular opening ceremony in Sochi,

as you can see. I think we have some clips of the opening ceremony.

There it is. Ooh!

Marvellous, isn't it? Yes, fireworks.

Small girl.

Yes, I think someone has been watching London 2012,

but never mind.

We've got to crack on now, got a lot to get through this evening.

Now, Sochi is the focus of the world for the next few weeks,

and the opening ceremony has been going on there today.

We can cross to Sochi now

to talk to one of the rarest breeds in sport,

a British Winter Olympics gold medallist.

She's the skeleton pilot who won gold at the 2010 Vancouver Games.

-REPORTER:

-'It's hanging in there. The top speed is good.

'Amy Williams really is going for gold here. The last turn.

'Surely it's gold for Great Britain.

'Oh, yes! Amy Williams is the queen of speed in Canada.'

Please welcome, live from Sochi, Amy Williams!

Amy, hello. How are you?

Hello, I'm good, thank you.

What's the weather like? Anything happened yet? Anything to report?

Nothing to report. Normally blue skies. It's a bit breezy, bit cold.

-Perfect for Winter Olympics.

-Four years ago, you won gold.

Now you're out there in Sochi as a commentator.

Are you getting a bit of an itch? Do you wish you were competing now?

I do. I went up to the skeleton bobsleigh track

for the last three days, and it looks beautiful.

I was dying just to get a sled and go down and have a go myself.

Are you allowed to do that? Do they let you on?

No. I'm not allowed.

Now, listen, I read that you started sledging,

and I'm going to call it sledging...

-OK.

-Is this right?

It was the only push-start track in the country,

and it was quite near your house in Bath, is that right?

Yes, it's five minutes.

Yeah, five minutes away from my house

and I just went and gave it a go one day.

So you just did it by chance.

You've never touched a ski, is that right?

You like beach holidays, you don't like the cold.

Can I suggest that your commitment to your sport is not exactly 100%?

Yeah, I hate the cold! In fact, my hands are now absolutely freezing.

I've even read that the beach volleyball team for 2012

moved to Bath and you said, if they'd moved a year earlier,

you'd have done that, is that right?

Yeah, quite possibly. Anything, I'd rather always the sand than the snow.

Now, you upset the odds in 2010 with your fantastic

achievement by winning gold.

Shelley Rudman was our best medal hope at the time.

She'd won silver previously.

Some people said that, allegedly,

Shelley had a better sled than you and wouldn't share it with you.

And then she didn't come to your celebratory dinner.

So, while we've got you, we need to clear something up,

do you hate Shelley Rudman?

LAUGHTER

No comment.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Fair point, well made. Excellent work, Amy.

Now, listen, your sledge, your fantastic sledge,

you gave it a name, what was it called?

Arthur, my sled, yes.

Is this right, it cost £100,000?

The research that went into the sled

and the technology could have come to about that much, but if you're

about to go and buy one, then they'll probably be about £5,000-£10,000.

5,000 to 10,000 new.

You know, the depreciation on those things is shocking.

LAUGHTER

As soon as you've slid off the forecourt,

you're just burning money.

You know, a bin bag is really cheap as well.

Andrew suggested a bin bag. Any kind of a tray.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I used to slide down on manure bags from my grandpa,

and they always worked really well.

Stuffed them with newspaper, take out the padding and the bumps, perfect.

That's very good to hear about your family life.

LAUGHTER

So, now, you've retired, you're now commentating,

how are you getting on with the commentating?

Are you looking forward to that?

Yeah, it's being on the other side.

I don't feel quite as comfortable behind the mic

than being interviewed the other way.

But it's a new life for me,

it's very strange to be at an Olympics and to be interviewing

all my old friends from other nations and the Team GB athletes. So...

-Don't worry, Amy.

-I'm hoping I do a good job.

I'm going to give you a chance now to practise.

We've got a little bit of skeleton footage.

OK, so I'm going to commentate

and I'm going to invite you to make expert comment. Here we go.

They're off, they've started.

They're going down. Down...

LAUGHTER

Good push. Right.

Round the corner. Going around a corner!

Around another corner. Any time, Amy.

Steering with their shoulders, great.

-What would they be thinking now... Around a corner!

-Steering...

SHE LAUGHS

Steering with their toes, steering with their shoulders,

looking with their head.

Looking with their head? Good!

LAUGHTER

-Along a bit more.

-Yeah, lightning speed reactions.

Lightning speed reactions.

Steering with their head, bouncing off the side.

-Perfect line.

-Perfect line.

APPLAUSE

So, you've been down there,

you've had a look at the Sochi course, have you picked

the spot you hope it all goes wrong for Shelley Rudman?

LAUGHTER

No, no, no.

No. I wish all the athletes well.

She's a very talented slider, all our skeleton sliders are great.

And she could win a medal just as much as Lizzie Arnold,

who's in for the favourite, so I wish them all well.

Of course you do. Fantastic.

LAUGHTER

It's absolutely brilliant, Amy, to have you on.

It's so great to talk to you. Before I let you go,

is there one event you're looking forward to this week?

What should we look out for?

Tomorrow, I'm going to the ski slope.

Billy Morgan is our...

Britain's number one favourite for tomorrow morning.

-So, I am off to watch that.

-Brilliant.

Thanks, Amy, thanks so much. Amy Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

So, anyway, Sochi. Sochi is where it's all happening.

It is a bit of a strange choice but the plan is for it to become

a go-to holiday destination after the Olympics.

You know, like Stratford has.

LAUGHTER

Plans were recently revealed to transport two killer whales

to Sochi and put them on display at the dolphinarium.

A word to the wise, if you're in Sochi, and you're against that

sort of thing, don't go around shouting "Free Willy!" in the street.

LAUGHTER

Putin doesn't like that sort of thing.

Journalists generally haven't had a good word to say

recently about Sochi. It is hardly surprising.

He wasn't very nice to Nigella, now, was he?

LAUGHTER

Having a bit of a row about the state of the accommodation in Sochi,

some of which seems to be not entirely, what's the word...ready.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, people have been posting photos from Sochi on Twitter.

Here's one now. This is from Henry Reekie of CNN.

Good to see CNN are right there, as ever, first to the big stories.

That's the big one. That's what everybody is talking about.

That's the Iron Curtain, it's fallen down.

-It's come down.

-Was it more glamorous in your day in the Olympic village? This is a bit ropey.

You've got to remember, the journalists arrive early there.

So they get the terrible rooms.

Well, the Olympics starting, opening ceremony today,

the athletes get there a week before.

The journalists are probably there two weeks before.

So, nobody told the organisers

the journalists get there that much earlier.

-No-one told them they were coming?

-Well, I imagine so.

-Sally-Anne, did you share a room or did you have your own room?

-I had my own room, yeah.

Nice. Bit better than that?

It was a bit noisy cos the skiers were also on that same floor,

and they tended to come in late at night and create a little bit of a noise.

-That's the apres ski.

-I like that sort of insight.

All the skaters in bed, "Here come the skiers!"

LAUGHTER

"Pissed out of their mind."

Now, the curtain's not so good, but there have been some notable

plumbing successes, however, if you'd like to have a look at this.

LAUGHTER

There's been some speculation as to who might sit on the three chairs.

LAUGHTER

It's just...

It's just nice to look up and see people giving you scores.

LAUGHTER

Lovely, ten. A lovely dismount.

LAUGHTER

-They've got a tandem one as well.

-Oh, the "two-boggan?"

I've seen the two-boggan.

LAUGHTER

It's two toilets next to each other. Two-boggan.

-It's so nice to hold hands.

-It is nice.

Or if you can't get the crossword clue.

LAUGHTER

One German journalist reported that when he checked into his hotel

he found a construction worker in the room.

Presumably, the last surviving member

of the Olympic Village People.

LAUGHTER

The Olympic Village People!

APPLAUSE

Anyway, moving on.

For me, the Olympics is all about the competitors.

In most of the events, the most important thing

for a Winter Olympian is to stay standing up.

And the ultimate hero of staying standing up

is Australia's Steven Bradbury.

Steven won gold for Australia in Salt Lake City

in 2002 in the short track speed skating.

And this is how he did it.

Here's the bell.

Ohno on his way to gold

but China are ominously placed, Li coming round the outside.

There's a faller! And they've all gone!

And that's left...

Steven Bradbury winner at the Olympic Games!

We can talk to him now. Thanks for joining us tonight, Steven!

APPLAUSE

Steven, it's so good to talk to you.

We just watched your moment, your gold winning moment.

And now you're out there in Sochi, how are things? Your hotel room OK?

You settled in?

Yeah, mate, I've been here a few days in Sochi now, and the excitement

has really built, with the opening ceremony just being completed.

Australia's got an amazing team here.

And I think we're going to win a hell of a lot more medals

here in Sochi than GB, no problem.

-No!

-Well, OK, not going to argue with you there, mate.

I will.

Similar result to the Ashes, I believe.

BOOING

Now, you became, let's face it, very, very famous,

particularly in Australia, after your win.

You had your face on a stamp, which is better than a stamp on the face.

And your name has entered the language in Australia.

A Bradbury came to mean "a miraculous victory

"due to the ineptitude of an opponent".

LAUGHTER

There we are, again, talking about the Ashes.

-Ineptitude, that's a good word, isn't it?

-It is a good word.

It is one we use often here in reference to sport.

LAUGHTER

Now, it was five years after you won your gold in 2002.

You were inducted into

the Australian Winter Olympics Hall of Fame.

I'm wondering, is that your own hall in your house?

LAUGHTER

Do you go through your front door and say, "The Hall of Fame!"

Yeah, plenty of pictures of myself in my own hallway.

As a nation, we actually have five Winter Olympic gold medals nowadays,

and I was fortunate enough to win the first one.

But, you know, we're...

We're certainly punching above our weight

in the Winter Olympic Games these days.

We are by no means a sideshow any more. Or a numbers filler.

So, yeah, keep your eyes peeled for some of the Aussies.

And our favourite to win is our flag bearer, who carried the flag,

-Alex Pullin, in the snowboard cross.

-Excellent, looking out for Alex.

That's a good tip, thank you, Steven.

Now, you went to four Olympics, is that right?

Correct.

And you'd been training for 12 years,

so there was a bit of laughter in the studio when everyone fell over

and you won, but it took a bit of effort to get there

in the first place. I mean, I understand at one point

you were impaled on a skate

and had to have 111 stitches, is that right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yeah, that's correct. I had a couple of bad injuries in my career.

One where I lost two thirds of my blood in a racing crash

in Montreal in Canada.

Later on in my career, I was unfortunate enough to go

headfirst into the barrier and break my neck.

I've definitely had my ups and downs through my skating career.

And it was an incredible result the way I was able to finish it.

But the other panellists you've got on your show tonight, they know

what hard work is as well and they've competed at the Olympic Games.

People realise that...

AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

..you don't strap on skates a couple of weeks before

and then make it to the final of the Winter Olympics.

Quite right, too.

Nowadays, apart from your work, you work in Australian television,

but you do some motivational speaking.

Can I ask you before I let you go, what's your message

when you motivationally speak?

Yeah, I don't like that term.

I don't do motivational speaking, it sounds un-Australian.

LAUGHTER

Let me give you an opportunity to tell us

what you would call it in Australia.

I'd like to call it real life speaking.

But I do corporate entertainment

and that "M"-speaking word you mentioned a moment ago.

The main message is that passion, persistence and teamwork can lead

to success if you're prepared to stick at something for a long time.

And we're going to see a lot of athletes in Sochi that have done exactly that.

And there'll be some magic moments over the next 16 nights.

There certainly will. Steven, thank you so much for joining us.

Steven Bradbury, ladies and gents.

Often at these things, the trouble you have is knowing who to support

when your country isn't represented. But I can help you there.

For example, I think we're all looking forward

to seeing Andreas Wank in the ski jump.

LAUGHTER

Luca Cunti in the ice hockey.

And let's not forget Daniel Pfister in the luge.

LAUGHTER

Sadly, there's no Fanny Chmelar this time around.

LAUGHTER

Or you can always just pick an underdog and support them.

Keep an eye out for Bruno Banani. He's competing in the luge.

There's Bruno there. Have you read about him?

He's from Tonga, actually. He's Tonga's first Winter Olympian.

It's not his real name.

He changed his name from Fuahea Semi to Bruno Banani,

which just happens to be the name of his sponsor.

A German underwear manufacturer.

There they are.

LAUGHTER

Their slogan is, "Not for everyone."

Certainly not for the bloke in the middle, anyway.

LAUGHTER

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Bruno was

coaxed into taking up the luge.

I think I've read that right.

LAUGHTER

Moving on.

Keep an eye out, if you like, for Mexico's only competitor,

Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe. There he is.

LAUGHTER

-He used to race when I was racing.

-Did he?

-Yeah, he's 55 years old now.

-He's not doing the downhill.

-Is he not?

-No...

-The uphill?

-..he's doing the slalom.

-He goes about that speed. But he's always there.

-He's in there.

He's been to many Olympics. He's a minor German royal.

His parents, apparently,

always wanted to have one member of the family who was Mexican.

So they went to Mexico when she was about to drop and had him there.

-His dad lives in Marbella.

-His dad lives in Marbella, that's right.

-Really, honestly, you should get on Mastermind.

-He's my mate!

Let's not forget India's luger, Shiva Keshavan.

Handsome devil, Shiva, there he is.

Shiva has been practising on the Himalayan highway. So to speak.

It's not a euphemism.

Let's have a look at him in training. You won't believe this.

That's actually him practising.

LAUGHTER

-That is impressive.

-You've got to say.

Now, we've all got people we want to root for.

Andrew, you've got the Irish team to root for, of course.

I will of course be supporting Ireland. We've got five competitors.

All born strategically around the world.

It's a slow programme, that's what we're going to do.

First, Ireland will populate the world, in mountainy regions.

We're looking for two thousand and...

Well, about a thousand years' time, the next glacial lowering.

And, of course, the British team, Konrad, good hopes for them?

Yeah, we've got 11 or 12 genuine medal contenders,

teams or individuals, going out.

This is the strongest team we've ever sent to Sochi.

So, we've been having a lot of fun tonight but when it's ice,

when you're going 80mph,

it's a matter of life and death, and hard work.

-Good luck to them.

-And, Sofie, of course, you're expecting nothing.

LAUGHTER

The curling team we're sending out this year

just came second in the Danish championship.

In the Danish championship!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much to all the guests.

Konrad Bartelski Sofie Hagen, Andrew Maxwell,

and Sally-Anne Stapleford.

Thank you very much.

But, you know what?

Talking about this Winter Olympics stuff has made me want to have a go.

After all, how hard can it be?

APPLAUSE

Higher than I thought it was. There we go.

Wh-o-o-o-o-o-a!

LAUGHTER

I can see my house from here.

Next week, the ski jump starts.

Under the rules, there are two types of hill used in ski jumping.

Normal hill and large hill.

Stop me if I'm getting too technical for you.

Ski jumping was invented in Norway by a man who,

only seconds before, had been installing a satellite dish.

LAUGHTER

One of America's big medal hopes in the downhill is Bode Miller,

five times gold medallist, multimillionaire,

married to a pro beach volleyball player.

Yeah, but is he happy?

LAUGHTER

Also risking life and limb on the slopes will be Vanessa Mae.

She'll be joined in the relay by Theresa May and Brian May.

LAUGHTER

The short track speed skating starts soon.

Short track is basically a fast-moving slippery fight

that comes past every 30 seconds.

A bit like if they polish the floor in a Wetherspoon's.

LAUGHTER

Personally, I am very much looking forward to the biathlon

getting under way.

Although I thought Putin didn't approve of biathletes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's all from Apres-Ski for this week.

I'm Alan Davies, see you next Friday. Good night.

Wh-o-o-o-o-o-a!