Episode 25 Super League Show


Episode 25

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thanks very much. Welcome to Good News.

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Hope you've had a good week. What's been going on?

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Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.

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Did anyone else see Stevie Wonder parking his car on the news?

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Is it me, or do some people really fear the north of England?

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A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror

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as their plane tried to land at Leeds Bradford Airport.

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"NO!

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"Not Leeds!"

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It couldn't be a week in the news

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without sexual overlord Eamonn Holmes

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telling us how he makes love.

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In, out, you know the score.

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And finally, there's nothing better than just watching people lose it.

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George Osborne...

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THEY LAUGH

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He denies it, right? He denies it.

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Nevertheless, it's come back, because...

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-<

-It's not funny!

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The Mirror has to take responsibility for this...

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She... She's been told her phone was hacked >

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when the Sunday Mirror...

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They got so into it they forgot they were on the news

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and started making jokes.

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This story a few years ago about George

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and this woman who clearly no longer takes cocaine, judging by her size.

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THEY LAUGH

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Anyway, George Osborne

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will be dogged by this,

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and the lawyer...

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Beautiful.

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Big news - well, a special baby has been born this week.

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Events have been taking place around the world

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to mark the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet.

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Seven billion people,

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and still my brother can't get a girlfriend.

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As ever with a big story like this,

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the Daily Mail message boards were heaving with madness.

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"I want the name of every person in the world right now."

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Mind you, not everyone was angry. Some were just confused.

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Scientists worry about the increase in population.

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With potentially billions more people,

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pressure on water, food, oil will grow.

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A billion go to bed every night hungry.

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-WOMAN LAUGHS

-Don't laugh, madam!

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"Hungry?! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

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There's too many of us. The planet can't cope.

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Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

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We need to start bumping people off. But who?

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Don't you worry, I've drawn up a list.

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Number one, people who play ringtones out loud on buses.

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People who still do impressions of Austin Powers. Off you fuck.

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People who wear sunglasses indoors, unless you're blind.

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People who say, "I am what I am, OMG, LOL,

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"reem, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real." Really?

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Because I thought you were fucking imaginary!

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And finally, anyone who doesn't like this.

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Leave!

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APPLAUSE

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In Blighty, Occupy London was making headlines.

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Protesters could remain camped outside St Paul's until the new year

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after authorities offered to halt legal action.

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Aside from the issues about vicars losing their jobs and evictions,

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I couldn't take my eyes off the protesters.

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They gave some amazing interviews.

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This guy started off by moaning about the lives of the rich.

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They still have lavish dinners,

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they still have chauffeur-driven Rolls,

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they still have butlers and mansions.

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All good points. But then he really lost it.

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We're at home with our Topshop beans,

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separating each bean onto each plate for our children.

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Topshop beans?

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No wonder his kids are upset - he's feeding them jumpers!

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My favourite protester was an Australian called Francis Firebrace.

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This old fella is wonderful.

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You can't hold me, because I'm not doing any harm to anybody.

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I'm an elderly man. Come on, use your bloody nous a bit.

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Come on, guys. I love you guys.

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Isn't that great? "I love you guys."

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Just goes to show, if you're going to protest,

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you don't have to be violent.

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OK, boys, which one of you fellas have I got to fight?

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"I'll rip your eyes out and stick them up your didgeridoo!

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"But I still love you."

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Staying in Oz, in royal news, the Queen's been on a trip down under.

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The Queen and Prince Philip are in Australia for a ten-day visit.

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They'll be based in the capital, Canberra,

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but will also travel to Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth.

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Did you see the Australian media coverage?

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Was it me, or were their reports a little bit morbid?

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The Queen arrives in Canberra for her 16th visit to Australia,

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possibly her last.

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..her last trip to Australia.

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..on what may well be her last ever trip.

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-..her last trip here.

-..probably her very last time.

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I hate to use the word "die", so I won't.

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I'm surprised they didn't follow her around dressed as Death.

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It didn't end there.

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Judging by her hand gesture,

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this reporter was having a pop at how Liz smells.

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The Queen touched down in Perth last night.

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"Oh, it's like a dingo's ball bag."

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Not all of the reporters were rude. This guy has to win the award

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for saying exactly what you see.

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The Queen wore lilac and had fresh flowers in her hat.

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The Duke of Edinburgh didn't.

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"Later on she'll be waving,

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"using her hand."

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The Queen and Prince Philip were there for ten days,

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and they met some interesting people.

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One of my favourites, the BFG's daughter.

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Basketball player Elizabeth Cambage towered over the royal couple

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as they continued their apparently triumphant Australian journey.

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I love the moment when the Queen sees her.

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"Hello, you...

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"Holy shit!

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"Look, Philip."

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-AS PHILIP:

-"Bloody hell,

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"she's higher than Prince Harry.

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"Let's climb her."

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The biggest scandal of the trip was definitely this.

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In Brisbane, 22-year-old Liam Warriner appeared in court

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after he bared his butt cheeks

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to the royal motorcade and mooned the Queen.

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Classic Aussie behaviour -

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"It's the Queen. I better flash her my shit pipe."

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So, how did the royals react? I bet they were terrified.

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The Prince gave me a nice wave. It was lovely.

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"Hello.

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"It's like a yawning Wookiee."

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Next up, this has to be the saddest story of the week.

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The veteran radio DJ and television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile has died.

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I was gutted. He was great.

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You don't get people like him on TV any more. He looked amazing.

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Look at that! He's like a cross between Gandalf,

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Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.

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Some of you probably don't know who he was, why he was famous. Check this out.

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Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Welcome to Jim'll Fix It.

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# There must be something that you always want to do... #

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He was the man who made dreams come true.

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Damn right he did. Basically, kids used to write to him

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and ask him to make their dreams come true.

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And back then, their dreams were insane.

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"Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me to be a suitcase

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"and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport."

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THAT is children's TV.

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Forget Dick and Dom.

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"Can I be a suitcase?"

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"Damn right you can"

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APPLAUSE

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"I'm a suitcase!

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"This is amazing!

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"People said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.

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"Dicks."

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Jimmy Savile was such a big part of my childhood.

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Without him, I'd never have watched some chubby Scouts

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eat their dinner on a roller coaster.

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Five, four, three, two, one...

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Thanks, Jim.

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The only criticism I have of Jimmy - he never answered my letter.

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"Dear Jim, can you fix it for me

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"to look less like Harry Potter?"

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Mind you, those glasses got me a lot of ladies.

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Dinner ladies.

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Have you seen the latest craze hitting British playgrounds?

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Look at this.

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Marbles...just say no.

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Will kids be in rehab?

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"My name is Sarah and I am a marbles gambler.

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"It got so bad,

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"to pay my debts, I had to put Igglepiggle on the game.

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"She's a good little slut, though. Makes me money."

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That's a bit full on, Sarah.

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"Yeah, it's just how I get when I'm pimping."

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Have you seen where they get the money?

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They're stealing cash, DVDs and computer games.

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Don't steal from your parents. Surely the best way to make money -

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blackmail.

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Take a photo of yourself naked, put it in your teacher's bag,

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threaten to go to the papers!

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Easy money.

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Over in Russia, there's an alarming promotion in a sex shop.

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Casanova 69 is offering kids and adults

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the chance to win an unspecified gift from the chain

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if they can answer one simple question -

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where do babies come from?

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That's right, a Russian sex shop is offering children

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an unspecified gift

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if they can tell them where babies come from.

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I mean, it makes obvious sense.

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Remember when you were little,

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how much you wanted something from a sex shop?

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I remember Christmas.

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Dear Santa, please can I have some crayons,

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a bike

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and a vibrating butt plug?

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I never got that bike.

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APPLAUSE

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I'm worried by this news - if sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,

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how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?

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Hi, kids!

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I'm Mr Dildo!

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Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?

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Is he in Mummy?

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Is he in Daddy?

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Where, oh, where could Mr Dildo be?

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RATTLING

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Mr Dildo! You are naughty!

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APPLAUSE

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Technology news.

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The iPhone is having a wee bit o' bother in Scotland.

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It created excitement among techno geeks

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when it was launched in London less than two weeks ago,

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but now the new iPhone 4s is instead creating confusion.

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-Is it a nice day?

-Let's see what it says.

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'I don't know what you mean by "Is it NAS Deeta says?"'

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That's right, the latest iPhone can't understand Scottish people.

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Are there phones in Glasgow saying,

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"I do not know where the nearest smack dealer is"?

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"I will find one when you have finished school."

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It's little wonder the iPhone's confused.

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Scottish people are asking it pretty weird questions.

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Do you like men? >

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'This is about you, not me.'

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Remind me to clean my ass cheeks once I've taken a dump. >

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-AS iPHONE:

-Remind me to kill myself.

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But the iPhone cock-up is nothing

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compared to Nikon's face recognition camera.

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If you think misunderstanding a Scottish accent was bad,

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look what their camera told this lady when she took a photo.

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"Did someone blink?"

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No.

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But someone made a camera that was racist.

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From technology that struggles with humans, to humans who struggle with technology.

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It's estimated that 8.7 million adults here in the UK

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have never been online.

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42% of those people are aged 55 or over.

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To turn this around, a BBC scheme called Give An Hour was set up

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to get pensioners online.

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Fair to say, some of them are quite scared of technology.

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The biggest fear is when you move that mouse, what's it going to do?

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"What's it going to do?

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"It's not just the mouse. I heard my computer's full of RAM.

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"Someone's put a sheep in my computer."

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So how are they getting people like him online?

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The challenge - 250 internet users

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getting 250 internet virgins online in just an hour.

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Well, that is going to be a nightmare -

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not the technology but protecting pensioners

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from the ridiculous amounts of internet porn.

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It's everywhere.

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Let's do some online shopping. Type what you want into Google.

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"OK! I love fudge.

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"Bloody hell!"

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OK, forget about food. Let's get you a lovely present.

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"Okey-dokey. I want a pearl necklace."

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No, you don't! Let's get you a scarf.

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"No, I want a pearl necklace."

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Stop saying that!

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Despite that, it's great that pensioners are getting online,

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because otherwise they'd miss out on things like this.

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Over in New Zealand, check out this massive crime story.

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Police say a large dog attacked and punctured four tyres

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before taking off.

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Holy shit!

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A dog is chewing tyres!

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You're probably thinking, "Why are you showing me this?"

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Why? Because you're about to see

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some of the most mind-blowing CGI known to mankind.

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A South Auckland police sergeant was patrolling the Mangere street.

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Bruno attacked his vehicle, biting the tyre, puncturing it.

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The cop changed the tyre,

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but when he returned the bull-mastiff cross again attacked his tyre,

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again puncturing it.

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Another sergeant came to the officer's aid,

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but he too had his tyre attacked and punctured.

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It's like Avatar, isn't it?

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If you think what he did to the car was bad,

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check out what he did to the police officer.

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Now a cracking story about Snoop Dogg.

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The rapper Snoop Dogg has gone to some extraordinary lengths

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to broaden his fan base

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by personally appealing to a Welsh farmer

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to come to his concert.

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This story is brilliant.

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A bloke called Ian Neale grew the world's biggest turnip,

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and Snoop Dogg invited him to a gig.

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Shout out to my homeboy Ian Neale in Cardiff

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for breaking the world's record for the biggest vegetable.

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Man, when I do my show in Cardiff,

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I want you to come backstage and see me,

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cos I do vegetation myself and I want to know your secret

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so I can show you my vegetables

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and see if you can grow that into a real big vegetable.

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I wonder what Snoop could be growing!

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It's so blatant - he's literally surrounded by cannabis.

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You're probably thinking, "I doubt he went to the gig."

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Well, guess again. Not only did he go, he had quite the adventure.

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I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.

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< And you met him last night?

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I met him last night and I had a smoke with him.

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I don't smoke, but he offered me one so I took one.

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I'm hoping that's just tobacco.

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No, it wasn't!

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APPLAUSE

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"Why do you think I'm wearing this shirt?

0:18:170:18:20

"I'm off my tits!

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"I feel like I'm in a fruit bowl!"

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So, how long did you have with Snoop?

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Ten minutes.

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There were four of us in my party, and we had ten minutes with him.

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What else did you chat about?

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"No idea!

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"His stuff was so strong my shirt started talking to me."

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I love how he sums up the concert.

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Yes, it was an experience. In fact, I'm still deaf.

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Mind you, if he's deaf, at least he couldn't hear this.

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OUT OF TUNE: # Come on and let me know

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# Should I stay or should I go? #

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Go.

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And take your pubic lice with you.

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APPLAUSE

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He crucified that classic song.

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Over in Scotland, here's a report about an eating competition

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that ended in disaster.

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An Indian restaurant in Edinburgh has been criticised

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after its World's Hottest Chilli competition

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left two people in hospital.

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Hospital?!

0:19:210:19:24

"How was the chilli contest?" "My arse doesn't work."

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I know what you're thinking -

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if only this story happened in New Zealand.

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Imagine the graphics they'd have in the news.

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This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

0:19:440:19:47

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.

0:19:470:19:51

So please welcome my mystery guest.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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-Your plumage has come down.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell.

0:20:060:20:10

-Nice to meet you.

-My name's Ian.

-Can I sit here?

-Yes, please.

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So, Ian, I imagine it has something to do with gardening.

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-No.

-Nothing to do with gardening?

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Good curve ball. We're in a greenhouse. Has it got something to do with your hat?

0:20:210:20:25

No, that's health and safety reasons.

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Right. Makes sense, doesn't it?

0:20:280:20:30

Health and safety making you dress like a bullock.

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-IAN LAUGHS HEARTILY

-Good laugh.

0:20:330:20:37

That was the kind of laugh of a man who should be next to a fire.

0:20:370:20:41

RUSSELL CACKLES

0:20:410:20:42

-"Pull my finger."

-Fire - that's close.

0:20:420:20:44

-Fire's close.

-Yes, yes.

-Are you the firestarter?

0:20:440:20:47

No.

0:20:470:20:49

-Twisted firestarter?

-No. No!

0:20:490:20:52

Do you smack your bitch up?

0:20:520:20:53

No. No, no.

0:20:530:20:55

-You'll piss yourself when you get it.

-Nice!

0:20:550:20:57

I love these interviews. They're not like Parkinson.

0:21:010:21:04

-No.

-OK, you're going to have to help me out.

0:21:040:21:07

-I'll give you another clue.

-OK.

0:21:070:21:08

Oh, that's an infrared... Do you shoot things at night?

0:21:100:21:14

-No.

-Are you the champion of...? Why have you got

0:21:140:21:16

an infrared sight? What's that?

0:21:160:21:19

Do you go...?

0:21:190:21:21

I am the current

0:21:210:21:22

-40th and 41st world pea-shooting champion.

-Oh!

0:21:220:21:26

There you go!

0:21:260:21:28

APPLAUSE

0:21:280:21:30

-Would you like to have a go?

-I'd love to.

0:21:330:21:36

Back a bit. Come on.

0:21:380:21:41

Twelve foot.

0:21:410:21:42

Twelve foot twelve inches,

0:21:420:21:45

and we fire peas at the target.

0:21:450:21:47

-OK.

-Every now and then you get a bad pea.

0:21:470:21:49

In fact, pea selection is key to the...

0:21:490:21:52

You seem like a lovely bloke,

0:21:520:21:54

but that is one of the dullest things any man has ever said to me.

0:21:540:21:58

You are lovely, but "Pea selection is a very important thing...

0:21:580:22:01

"ladies."

0:22:010:22:04

That's it, that's it.

0:22:050:22:06

-Very close.

-That was crap. You do it.

0:22:080:22:10

I've dropped my pea. I've pea-ed on the stage now!

0:22:110:22:14

Show me how it's done.

0:22:200:22:22

-OK.

-Let's make this interesting.

0:22:220:22:25

Actually, hang on a minute.

0:22:280:22:31

This will be like a really weird recreation of how...

0:22:310:22:33

Agh!

0:22:360:22:38

APPLAUSE

0:22:380:22:39

Get it!

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, nice. Nice. And again. No, let's do it like Robin Hood.

0:22:470:22:51

Can you do it like this?

0:22:510:22:53

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:56

-You did it, though.

-I know!

0:22:560:22:59

-You can't put a champion off.

-I can't put a champion off.

0:23:010:23:04

-Let's do it again.

-Give it a good go. Hey, careful!

0:23:040:23:07

You can't!

0:23:140:23:16

APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:17

Do it again and touch my dick, come on.

0:23:200:23:24

No!

0:23:250:23:27

You can't put a champion off.

0:23:300:23:32

No, no, go downstairs.

0:23:330:23:36

Go on, rub it, really rub it.

0:23:360:23:38

Go on, touch my dick!

0:23:380:23:41

No!

0:23:410:23:43

It won't go.

0:23:450:23:46

YEAH!

0:23:480:23:49

APPLAUSE

0:23:490:23:52

So, the first question that leaps to mind,

0:23:560:23:59

why the Viking helmet?

0:23:590:24:01

-Health and safety.

-You keep saying that.

0:24:010:24:03

There's people shooting behind you as you're trying to shoot.

0:24:030:24:06

-It protects the back of your neck.

-I get that, but why the horns?

0:24:060:24:11

It was just given to me as a gift.

0:24:110:24:14

That's a back story.

0:24:140:24:15

-Who gave you that as a gift?

-My daughter.

-Lovely!

0:24:150:24:18

-How old is she?

-Er, 26.

0:24:180:24:20

-<

-I'm 24!

0:24:230:24:24

Did you hear that?

0:24:260:24:28

APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:31

-That's on telly.

-It changes every year!

0:24:310:24:34

That's on telly forever.

0:24:370:24:40

-I enjoyed that. Nice to meet you.

-Thank you very much.

0:24:400:24:44

-A genuine pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

-Russell?

-What?

0:24:440:24:49

I was on the news for something else as well.

0:24:490:24:51

-Ian?

-I, er...

-Ian...?

0:24:510:24:55

I trimmed a bush.

0:24:550:24:57

-You what?

-I trimmed a bush into an obscene shape,

0:24:570:25:00

a todgery-type shape.

0:25:000:25:05

So you turned your bush into a penis?

0:25:050:25:07

Yes.

0:25:070:25:09

That's not often been done.

0:25:090:25:12

-Yeah...

-What made you do that?

0:25:180:25:21

I couldn't do a dog.

0:25:210:25:23

APPLAUSE

0:25:230:25:25

-Please give it up for my mystery guest!

-APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:31

Now, if you think you've woken up grumpy today,

0:25:350:25:38

you've got nothing on this guy.

0:25:380:25:40

Confused and angry,

0:25:400:25:42

an elderly man in a morgue in South Africa...

0:25:420:25:45

..led away from the premises

0:25:460:25:49

after he was found alive

0:25:490:25:50

in the mortician's fridge.

0:25:500:25:52

Workers thought he had died the day before.

0:25:520:25:56

Imagine waking up in a morgue.

0:25:560:25:59

It would be horrific.

0:25:590:26:01

Mind you, if that were me, I'd have to take the piss.

0:26:010:26:03

When they pulled me out, I'd freak them out and do the Thriller dance.

0:26:030:26:07

What I want to know, how the hell did this happen?

0:26:090:26:11

His family asked the morgue to collect his body

0:26:110:26:15

after they could not wake him.

0:26:150:26:16

How shit are his family?!

0:26:160:26:20

"Grandad?

0:26:200:26:22

"He's dead. Whack him in the fridge."

0:26:220:26:24

Grandad will never sleep again. "What do you want for dinner?"

0:26:240:26:28

"Red Bull and cocaine!"

0:26:280:26:30

This week's story is about a young man called Patrick Hughes.

0:26:360:26:39

It's wonderful.

0:26:390:26:40

Born without eyes

0:26:410:26:44

and a tightening of the joints that prevents his limbs straightening,

0:26:440:26:47

Patrick has been blind and crippled from birth.

0:26:470:26:51

We asked, "Why us?" We played by the rules.

0:26:510:26:53

We worked hard. We just didn't understand.

0:26:530:26:56

That heartbreak began to fade even before Patrick's first birthday,

0:26:580:27:02

from his first moments at the family's piano.

0:27:020:27:05

By his second birthday, he was playing requests.

0:27:070:27:10

Can you play You Are My Sunshine?

0:27:100:27:12

HE PLAYS THE MELODY

0:27:120:27:15

OK, we're not going to play baseball,

0:27:190:27:21

but we're going to play music together. That was really exciting.

0:27:210:27:24

MUSIC: "Clair de Lune" by Debussy

0:27:240:27:26

He's my hero. I've told him before.

0:27:300:27:34

What he goes through,

0:27:340:27:36

it's taught me that I don't really have any complaints.

0:27:360:27:40

God made me blind and unable to walk.

0:27:400:27:44

Big deal.

0:27:440:27:45

He gave me the ability, the musical gifts I have

0:27:450:27:49

and the great opportunity to meet new people.

0:27:490:27:52

How would you describe your disabilities?

0:27:520:27:56

Not disabilities at all, more abilities.

0:27:560:27:59

Lovely. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.

0:28:060:28:10

Good night.

0:28:100:28:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:110:28:13

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0:28:320:28:35

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0:28:350:28:38

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