05/08/2016 The One Show

# Rubber ball, I'll come bouncing back to you

You know us Balls, always bouncing back!

Hello and welcome to The One Show, with Alex Jones.

And back by popular demand - my popular demand -

Our guest tonight once described himself as a friend first, boss

He's no longer selling stationery in Slough.

He's gone from Office Manager to Rock God.

It's not David Brent, but it is a man who looks

very much like him - it's...

Thank you. Nice to have you back. He'll have an album coming out and a

song book. I haven't come here to be insulted. I have created a whole

world. David Brent has a film out and has paid for an album and

created the song book and it is good people know it isn't me. It is David

Brent. When I bring out my own album, Ricky Gib Bass Sings The

Blues, shoot me. The songs and the film are so bad, they are good.

Musically, they are strong. They are not comedy songs like Monty Python,

but the joke is, the songs are catchy. Crossing America, picking up

chicks. And when you find out it is sung by a 55-year-old tampon wrap,

it is the background that is funny. That is the wombat appeal to Michael

Ball, particularly. This was the scene in our office earlier.

Really got into it. On the ukelele and everybody joined in. It is a

good song. This is the best bit now. Really catchy. They are catchy

songs. Michael Kiwanuka will be here and he

will be performing his song, Love Hate later on.

Michael, you're the musical theatre expert, you'd better

It's been 40 years since the messiest, most madcap

children's gangster musical was released in cinemas.

And Clare Grogan has got herself in amongst the splurge guns.

In 1976, a British film broke the world of American organised crime to

our screens. As well as having some cracking musical numbers, there was

a good helping of custard pies. I am talking about Bugsy Malone and as it

celebrates its 40th anniversary this summer, I am on the trail of some

gangsters. Come in. I am Clare, I am a singer and I am looking for...

Singer! I don't need a singer, come back tomorrow. It is by Alan Parker,

set in New York and filmed in the UK, the cast was played by children.

200! It is the education system that has maintained its popularity. What

school doesn't like Bugsy singalong. There is a brand-new bunch of

talented actors in Hammersmith. Give this to Babyface. Snake eyes, give

this to Babyface. Give this to Babyface. What am I talking about, I

am Babyface. No you're not, I am Babyface. Sam's gang is all here.

You haven't changed a bit. How old were you? I was 14. He was one of

the old one. First day on set, was it Pinewood? It was, do you remember

the first day, a huge set like that are built just for us. It was built

on stilts to allow the steam come through the vents. It was like the

best summer camp you could go to as a kid. You must have had a riot with

the splurge guns. Not at first, it stunk like mad. With Alan, he

treated all these young people as equals. He expected you to perform,

we weren't looking around, we were making a film. Alan come up with a

pan, he said you are going to carry the carpet. At the time, I was

gutted, but it was brilliant. They became as iconic as the characters.

The relationship between Jodie Foster and Alan Parker. Jodie Foster

would get an line wrong and Alan Parker would shout at her and she

would say, what ever! How could she speak to him like that. I went to

get my haircut, I had this extreme haircut. I was sitting there

devastated and I think she clocked it. You know what they do with hair

like this, she put it on her lip and she said they make them into

moustaches. I think she was trying to make me laugh. Sheridan, this is

for you. It was lemon curd and I couldn't open my eyelids. They took

me to the dressing room and puts me in the shower with all my clothes

on. Having so much fun, and then we knew we had to die. So that was a

bit sad. It is so long ago, I am wondering if my memories are

correct. You weren't actually in it, dear. At the end of Bugsy, If You

Give A Little Love, it was fantastic. Every human being can

relate to that. Everybody is stressed well, considering it is a

gangster war. It created a world for us that was so unique and there

hasn't been a movie like it since. So this is show business.

Easily one of the best movies ever. It is a great stage play as well.

David Brent is back, he is on tour with his band, at Foregone

Conclusion. I know what an Michael Ball fan is like. Go on then,

described. She is here. It is embarrassing. Who do you think David

Brent would like his fans to be? I think he would want quite rock and

roll, he wants to be cool and he isn't. He wants to be famous and he

isn't famous enough. Someone like, Mick Jagger or Bruce Springsteen.

It's never going to happen. You have taken Brent to the big screen and it

is a bold move, and it happened in an interesting way, quite organic? I

said I wouldn't bring back The Office, and I haven't. It would be

weird, the people sat at the same desks after 15 years. And they cost

too much. I said it would have to be different enough and I resisted it.

On the tenth anniversary, the BBC got me to do some introductions for

their iPlayer. I saw the old episodes I hadn't seen for ten

years, and I laughed. Then I did something for comic relief, a little

sketch. It had been long enough and it was a six minute sketch. I had to

think about what he would be doing now, so I made him a wrap. He thinks

he's Simon Cowell. We had a song called Equality Street. I suddenly

realised I had seven or eight David Brent songs. We did a gig as David

Brent with this great band from razor light and they got together.

Why would David Brent have this amazing band, he is paying for it.

It is a vanity project, he is haemorrhaging cash, cashing in

pensions and that was the idea of the movie. A man, so desperate for

fame was spending his hard earned money on one more shot. The books

his little toe and expect someone to come and sign him. He hasn't changed

a lot? No, but what has changed is the world around him. He was 39, the

boss and a bit of a prat, now he is not the boss, he is 55 and it is

full of alpha males. We have had the apprentice when they come on and

say, I will destroy anyone who gets in my way. So he is the underdog.

This is a lovely clip of David talking. I have been out with all

sorts of girls, rich, poor, white girls. Finn girls, fat girls. I went

out with a very big lady, lovely, bubbly. Beautiful eyes. Everyone was

saying, Brent, if she loses weight, it she will be a stunner. And she

did lose weight, but she wasn't a stunner. It is so wrong, it is

hysterical. He is accidentally offensive, he tries to please

everyone and say the right thing, but because he isn't sure, it is

about the white, middle-class Bankston and he knows about

political correctness, he is not homophobic, racist or sexist, but he

panics and he digs himself a whole. Is there an element of you in him?

There is an element of all others in him, we all want to be loved, we all

want to be filmed. He has this relationship with fame that is

unhealthy. It has got worse. Fame has changed, it is insatiable and he

thinks it will sort everything out and it won't. He just needs to be

himself. It is a fabulous film. David Brent: Life on the Road it is

in cinemas from the 19th of August. We've been counting down

to the Olympics all week and in less than five hours,

the Opening Ceremony kicks off. Colin Jackson will be just

one of the BBC faces taking you through 16 days

of incredible sport. Before Colin flew to Rio,

Christine Walkden took the former medal winner and his TV star sister

on a holiday made of memories. It was the hot summer of 76. Elton

John and Kiki Dee were number one. Colin Jackson and his sister were

driving to Brixham for their first big family holiday. This is

brilliant. I remember seeing the harbour for the first time and being

wowed by it. I had never been to a fishing port like this. What wowed

me were the colour of the houses. They had made the drive from Cardiff

in their dad's beloveds Ford Cortina. I remember it being daddy's

pride and joy. Really? Yes. We weren't allowed to eat and drink in

the car. Their mum and dad came to Wales from Jamaica in the 1950s.

Smile! They had saved from month to take the family to Brixham. We

stayed in Pontin 's. I remember spending many nights before we

actually arrived going through the brochure. We saw what my parents did

to give us everything they gave us, so their hard work, commitment, they

grafted in putting us in the position where we could have and do

what we wanted to do. I would definitely choose them as my parents

again. You cannot say better that. I think my dad took the entertainment

a little bit too far, what do you reckon? He is getting in the mood.

It is pretty rare to have one sibling who reaches the heights of

competing for their country are becoming a successful TV actress.

But that parents had two. Two highly successful, high-flyers. What was

the recipe? They were keen in making is independent. That steered us and

filled us with confidence. We were never told no, you cannot do this.

Even though it was short lived, we got maximum support. Time to swap

the Cortina for a boat trip along the English Riviera.

This was the highlight, I can assure you. It does bring back fantastic

memories, I tell you. Of what? Just being a child. As Colin reached the

pinnacle of world athletics, his family were with him every step of

the way. Watching Colin do the major races with my parents, we ran every

hurdle. The relief and the joy at the end of it was just phenomenal.

Jackson going well indeed. With the highs of victory came the lows of

failure and in 92 Colin's dream of Olympic gold fell apart. The tension

and pressure got to him. I ran a great first round then didn't warm

up for the second round. I pulled a muscle, my left a. That completely

through my race. Even now I watch that race. Even now I get upset. He

was in supreme form. Did you feel guilty? Massively guilty. That

feeling of guilt didn't leave me for a whole year. Until I broke the

world record and I kind of felt, at least I've made some amendments to

that awful performance. Jackson takes it, 12.9 one. A new world

record for Colin Jackson. But the pressure to be the best was pushing

Colin and his body to the limit. Looking back, I had what they call

body dysmorphia. You end up taking things slightly extreme, really

restrict the amount of food, because I felt I didn't look a certain way.

It's an ugly position to be in, it's not a nice place to be. Now, on

reflection, I was very silly lad, wasn't I? It is plain Colin has

always had the love and support of his family, and his big sister,

Suzanne. She is possibly one of the wisest people I know. Has he ever

told you this before? I've heard whispers! LAUGHTER

Nice fish and chips. Christine can take me on holiday any time. You say

that... And I don't mean it. You have one of the most distinctive

lasting comedy. A picture paints a thousand words, a laugh paints 50.

I'm nervous, what's going on? We're going to show clips of you laughing

and you have to guess who or what tickled you. Easy. I'm even annoyed

by my last. We're calling this game... What you laughing at? It's a

shocker. It's mad, like an explosion. You laughing at Warwick

Davis, Stephen merchant or Ashley Jensen? That's in the corridor, it's

Ashley Jensen, because I put her off. All I had to say was... She

said that where are you going? I had to say if the idea. I threw in "The

Ivy restaurant". Then every time I sat restaurant she laughed. That's

it. I can't see a thing. Are you laughing at Louis CK, Karl

Pilkington or Warwick Davis? LAUGHTER

It doesn't sound like a laugh. Shall we give you a clue? It's not Louis

CK. Something to do with pets. Is it not Warwick Davis as a frog? It's

Karl Pilkington. Oh yeah. I don't know... It's a game of Mr and Mrs.

The question was, something like... What was it? What were your pet

hates? He said, when they go to the toilet everywhere. I said, it

doesn't mean what do you hate about your pets, what are your pet hates?

You'd never heard it before. This is what are laughing at? Nigel! Nigel!

I dressed up my editor on the office. LAUGHTER

Are used to get so creative. It was all found objects, it's a real art

project. Everyday I would come up with something else. My favourite

was when I wrapped in this paper and he was a prat-erpillar. I got the

second one run, didn't I? He got there. This is a great game, I want

to play more. You will love the next film, it's another game. It might be

the first and possibly over the last time we do eight summer game show.

Let's hope so. You heard of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?, The

Generation Game and Play Your Cards Right. They are brilliant. Alex

Riley's show is nothing like them. Nothing sums up the holiday season

better than the great British queue, from traffic jams to airports,

Wimbledon to music festivals, roller-coaster rides to the humble

ice cream van. Being British we obey the queue no matter how long, slow

and frustrating they are, don't we everybody? Yes, Alex. But not today.

Here at Alton Towers we're going to give three lucky families the chance

to take part in The One Show's very own pop-up game show. It's time for

jump the queue. The other three families. We're from

ones grow! We're the Blake family from Leicestershire. Here's what

they are playing for. The golden ticket that allows them to jump the

queue on every ride all day long. Here are the rules. Each family will

wrap one of their members using industrial strength toilet roll. In

mummy racing. The two must thoroughly wrapped mummies, as

chosen by our professional referee, will earn the right to go

head-to-head in a first past the post race where the first one across

the line wins the golden ticket that will allow them to jump the queue.

Could our three designated mummys step forward?

In this context, mummy refers to mummification. Not the gender of the

contestants. It's over to our referee, Paul, to start the game.

Remember only two mummies will earn the right to go through to the final

race. And they will be chosen on just how well wrapped they are. The

referee watching closely to make sure there is no funny business

going on. What's your job? Making sure all the holes are covered. It's

almost as if you've got some toilet roll on your face. Is that a nice

feeling, somebody poking their fingers into your eyes? She does it

all the time. Time up. May I say the quality of mummification has been

some of the best we've seen all series. Well done. There is room for

only two in the final race. It's over to Paul to eliminate one of the

families. Paul is the daddy when it comes to mummies. Only total

coverage and authentic eyeholes will be accepted by him. The two families

who go through to the final round are for steel family and the Bogue

family. Nobody leaves Jump The Queue empty-handed, so you can keep what's

left of the role of industrial strength toilet roll. So to the

final race of where the fastest mummy to cross the finish line will

win the right to Jump The Queue. It's that simple. Take note of the

golden rule, hoppers will be disqualified with no mercy. Our

finalist at the starting line. Lots of nerves. And plenty of loo roll.

When you're ready. They are off to a flyer with mummy Bogue taking an

early lead. Mummy Steel lagging well behind, I can't believe it, it looks

like it'll be all over, the crowd are going bonkers. It is mummy Bogue

going to take it. Mummy Steel crosses the line. Until the last

minute I thought of the Bogues had it in the bag but a late rush from

the Steels meant it was too close to call. Alex, I have to say, rules are

rules, I spotted a last-minute hop by mummy Steel. Therefore, I'm

awarding this want of the Bogue family. CHEERING

How do you feel? I thought we'd lost. Here is your Jump The Queue

golden ticket. That's how we played Jump The Queue!

That mummy thing isn't going to take off, is it? Not going to work.

That's nearly all for tonight and the next two weeks. We'll be back on

Monday 22nd August. In the meantime you'll have to make do with the

Olympics, which is going to be brilliant. Thanks to Ricky, David

Brent: Life on the Road is in cinema soon. Go and see it.

But now, playing us out with his single 'Love Hate',

from his album of the very same name, both out now,

# Calling all the people here to see the show

# Calling for my demons now to let me go

# I need something, give me something wonderful

# She won't take me somewhere I'm not supposed to be

# You can't steal the things that god has given me

# No more pain and no more shame and misery

# You can't take me down You can't break me down

# I can see a place of trouble and I'm on the verge

# For the love of everybody I did something wrong

# Now I feel some days of trouble

# Calling all the people here to see the show

# Calling for my demons now to let me go

# I need something, give me something wonderful

# You can't take me down, you can't break me down, you can't take me

down #. APPLAUSE CHEERING

20,000 square miles of rugged coastline,