20/11/2015 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show with Patrick Kielty. And Angellica

Bell. Patrick, good to have you with me but you have been busy today,

presenting the BBC Radio New Comedy Award.

presenting the BBC Radio New Comedy macro it's been going for years and

some other people it's brought through include Alan Carr, Peter Kay

and Sarah Millican. through include Alan Carr, Peter Kay

brilliant final and as a treat, I have brought the finalists. Athena

Kugblenu, Andy Storey... Hello! LAUGHTER

Kugblenu, Andy Storey... Hello! We have Michael Stranney, Russ Peers

and someone who looks a little bit happier than the rest, because she

is the winner, Yuriko Kotani. APPLAUSE

Congratulations. What is it like being up with some of the greatest

comedians the country has ever seen or heard? It was such an honour to

get to this stage. I still can't believe that I won it! She's going

to cry. It means so much to walk away with this. I know you are

feeling very emotional and this is what you did to take home the award.

There is one word, one beautiful English word I love, and we don't

have this word in Japanese. It is... Ish. They are tears of joy.

Comedy and tears and we are only two minutes in! You can listen back to

the whole show on iPlayer. These guys might be the future of comedy

but tonight's guest has been making us laugh since before they were

born. He's written comedies like the donkey and Outnumbered. And he has a

shelf of awards that puts young upstarts like me to shame. Please

welcome Andy Hamilton! APPLAUSE Bow down! Thanks for coming. Any

words of advice for the finalists? Don't listen to bald old men giving

you advice! I think it is maybe not listening to much. Everyone has to

carve out their own identity. There's a danger sometimes that if

you listen to to much, lose your voice. Don't listen to too much

advice. That is my advice! When you were starting out in the 1970s, is

it easier for these guys coming through all what it easier back

then? In some ways, it is easier because you have more outlets like

YouTube and everything, so they get to make stuff and appear earlier. I

think it is harder to earn a living from it because there's not so much

revenue at the end of it necessarily. Identity no. I'm the

last person to ask. When I started, it was a lot less competitive. We

will hear more about you and your tour later. On Tuesday, Mike Dilger

strapped a camera to a toy dear, covered it in your in -- and failed

to get stacks to make with it. Tonight he's on St Kilda, attempting

to send a letter by simply throwing it into the sea and crossing his

fingers. I think someone needs to have a quiet word with him.

More than 100 miles out from the coast of Scotland, there are few

places more isolated than the islands on St Kilda. But even here,

human ingenuity managed to overcome the problems of communication. First

inhabited around 4000 years ago, until the 1930s, a few hardy souls

made this their home. With no phones on the island or postal service, the

inhabitants of St Kilda found a novel way of keeping in touch with

tiny boats, cast adrift on the torturer sees. The people of St

Kilda fashion the boat outside any waterproof container sealed to a

wooden keel with a handmade float attached. I've set myself the

challenge of making and launching my very own mail boat for The One Show

with a message for the mainland. But the first hurdle is getting there.

Derek Gordon runs boat trips to St Kilda and knows all too well how

treacherous the trip can be. The people of St Kilda would have very

limited opportunities to come back to the mainland. Life for them was

on this craggy piece of rock in the Atlantic, exposed to the storms that

were coming in. It was very much survivalist living out there. But

the problem is, it is such a hostile environment. You could not keep the

boat. In fact, they did not go fishing. The entire foodstuff was

sea birds. I have to say, it's a long journey on choppy seas. You can

see why the postman did not make it part of his regular route. Five

hours at sea and St Kilda's imposing cliffs come into view. The islanders

would scale them in search of food but in 1930, the last 36 left the

island for good. Today, the seas have been kind to us but it was

rough waters and stormy weather that led to the creation of the first St

Kilda mail boats. There was a journalist, John Sands, who had come

to spend the summer but hoped to get off on the last boat of the season

which did not happen because of the weather. At the end of January,

1877, a boat came into the bay and it was Austrian sailors who had been

shipwrecked. John Sands thought he could send what is called a mail

boat, and unbelievably, five or six days later, it turned up on Orkney.

Amazing! Wright three weeks after these men came to the bay, a naval

vessel came to rescue them. In 1957 in the midst of the Cold War, St

Kilda had a reprieve when the MoD set up a radar base on the island.

For the first time, communication with the mainland became possible,

albeit top-secret. Today's islanders are just temporary visitors,

tourists and conservation groups. But an occasional mail boat keeps

the tradition alive. Our mail boat is quite a simple design, basically

a hollowed out piece of wood with a temp one attached which would it

traditionally have been an inflated sheep bladder. It is heavily at the

base of Richard stay upright and allow the GPS tracker inside the box

to work. Also inside, a note for the finder, telling them to contact The

One Show with its whereabouts. How long will it take for the post to

arrive? With the right wind, two thirds of mail boats have made it to

the mainland, although some go as far as Scandinavia and may take

months to get there. St Kilda has an extreme exposure to the waves, a

huge swell and deep oceanic currents, making it tough to get

here and even more difficult to predict what my tiny mail boat is

going to do. We will just have to wait and see. The moment of truth!

For more than six weeks, we monitored the redoubtable mail boat

before its signal faded. It was not heading to the mainland but hundreds

of miles of course, bound for Norway, lost in the mail, for now.

And The One Show mail boat has just sent me a letter to say that the

stupid stand in host has forgotten to name check one of the axes

introduced for the New Comedy Award, Ken Cheng! Give it up! APPLAUSE

That is the look of a man disappointed that he lost the

competition and not even getting a name check. Orange Rabiu feel bad. I

do but joining us now, Mark Mason, the author of a book called Mail

Obsessions. Before we speak to you, you have done that boat trip. Yes,

to St Kilda and when you get there, there's a shop and they sell little

woollen hats with puffin on and I only lost mine a couple of days ago.

If there's anyone in that shop, you know where send it! Mark Connolly

you have been delving into the history of the Royal Mail and

Mike's mail boat is not the craziest form of post that has existed. The

craziest one was in the Outer Hebrides, and to get the mail from

one island to the other, this lunatic German called Gerhard Zucker

in the 1930s, who lunatic German called Gerhard Zucker

expert, self-proclaimed, which is lunatic German called Gerhard Zucker

expert, decided he was... The Post Office agreed to let him do

expert, decided he was... The Post of 1200 letters with a lot of rocket

fuel and a big explosion. What could possibly go wrong? It

fuel and a big explosion. What could destroyed most of the letters and

they said they did not want anything to do with them.

they said they did not want anything At one stage, this can't

they said they did not want anything you could post a person? You could

post yourself to an you could post a person? You could

posted to Downing Street to see the Prime

posted to Downing Street to see the with them with hats like that. But

posted to Downing Street to see the design the form tag setting delivery

of the letters because they were design the form tag setting delivery

letters, they were women. In other countries, they have revolutions but

in this country, we have the Prime Minister's Butler arguing over

whether or not a woman is a letter. Oscar Wilde had a cunning way to

send the post? He used to write them and put the stamp on and

send the post? He used to write them out of the window onto the pavement

outside his house because he knew someone walking down the

outside his house because he knew would think someone had dropped a

letter they wanted posting and they would pick it up and post it for

him. You say you would not do it but if I found a letter on the ground

with a stamp would you not just if I found a letter on the ground

it up and put it in the post box? That is

it up and put it in the post box? check if there was money in it

first? Didn't his neighbours catch on, again," it's that lazy

cheapskate Oscar Wilde", on, again," it's that lazy

back through his letterbox? I would have done that. And animals on the

back through his letterbox? I would offices and

back through his letterbox? I would civil servants.

they got a pension. The record-holder was Tibbs

they got a pension. The who was 23 and was obviously very

good at his 14 years. He was the record-holder.

Knew briefly worked at the Post Office? Yes I did but I got promoted

to a thing they were experimenting Office? Yes I did but I got promoted

with, a new system sending information through computers in the

1970s. I had to write a custom document and I was thinking,

"sending information from computers? How is that going to work? " That

was in the 70s. The Queen said the first e-mail in 1976, so she was

slightly ahead of the game. first e-mail in 1976, so she was

called the experimental packet switching system. You had to wait

for clusters of data and send them by the phone line to another

company. I don't know what happened then. I did not know the post could

be so interesting. I'm lost. Return to sender! Mail Obsessions is out

now. This is a strange question but how do you like your potatoes?

Polite. I don't mind. I'm easy. I like mine with more potatoes. Just

potatoes with potatoes, served by an Irish mammy. What about you? On the

rocks with a dash of cola. He is how. It seems it is not as comfort

food we get from potatoes these days but our Friday night table as well.

On this farm in Herefordshire, all the potatoes are used to make their

own vodka and gin. Why did Farmer William Chase decide his potatoes

should be going into spirits rather than onto supermarket shelves? I

could not make any money. When we went with the supermarket, they only

wanted these and then the pretty ones, which was 50%. We were under

constant pressure all the time. Now fully gin and vodka, we can use

everything. So it's a very efficient use of the potato crop? Yes,

fantastic, it all goes in. It takes 300 potatoes to make one bottle of

gin. Potatoes? That is almost what we are looking at here. So how is

this actually done? Fresh from the fields, the potatoes are cleaned,

peeled and then, well, then they are matched. Mashed potato comes in

here, injected with steam, basically cooking it. Once it is cooked, it

sits in the tanks for about three weeks, turning 10% of it into

alcohol. Are potatoes suited to this? Do they have enough sugar to

turn into alcohol? To make a cheap spirit, you should use wheat cereals

because it makes it blind and simple but if you want a fine spirit, this

is the handicap, you have do have all these tanks and tonnes of

potatoes to make it. At this point, it is alcoholic mashed potato.

Exactly, we want to strip the 10% alcohol out of the potato, boiling

it again, alcohol is lighter than water so it rises to the top and it

goes there and then the waterfall down with the mashed potato which

goes to the cows and the compost. Lots of alcohol, what do we do with

it? More alcohol and this is where the magic happens because this is

where we polish it and turn it into the beautiful they could we finish

up with. The magic happens in this, the tallest bubble column in

Europe. Most vodka is distilled three times but William's goes

through 50 distillations, turning from liquid to steam every time it

hit a bubble plate. Just the finest alcohol is left which is dilutive in

spring water to bring it down to 40% volume. Then some of the vodka goes

on to be made into gin. Gin is the finishing touch because it is

flavoured vodka, basically. We have a still and inside it, we marinade

the Juniper 's, because if it you what to call it gin, it has to have

Juniper 's. To make it sweet, you add orange peel or if you want it

dry, you add lemon peel so playing with the botanicals finishes it off

but it all comes back to the base quality.

For your average gin, that base product is cereal grain. You start

with 300 potatoes, what do you have at the end? We just have this,

potatoes and vodka. I am impressed with that, it is race moves. Who

would have thought potato juice could taste so good? Cheers. -- it

is very smooth. Shall we try it out? You have be

looking forward to this. It would be foolish not to. Cheers, Cheers.

Potatoes, potatoes! This is all vodka. Mother of wholly moly. It is

good! Smooth. While Angellica gets her voice back, Andy, you are in the

middle... Sorry, what? Apparently we are in the middle of a show. You are

in the middle of your change management tour. It is a show

looking back over some of my life. It is not a biographical show but it

is looking at social changes which have happened in my life through the

medium of jokes and just looking at things which have changed and

whether it is important or not I'm just having a good time. Would you

say you genuinely like change? Know, like most people, I instinctively

don't like change. But you haven't changed the way you write. You still

use pencil and paper. Pencils are actually a very classy piece of

technology. You never see anybody swearing at a pencil. If you're

pencil breaks, you do not have to ring a pencil helpline. I am a

comedy writer. Whether my script arrives at a certain time, no one

will live or die by that. I am not an emergency service. That is how I

grew up, writing on pencil. My typing speed is so slow, I could not

fight at the speed I want to write at. So it is longhand? It is not

just me, my collaborator on Outnumbered Guy Jenkin also uses

pencil. We keep people in work because they have to try but our

scripts! Is very special of Outnumbered in the offing? The plan

there will be a special in the summer. Our hope is that every

couple of years we will revisit the family and see how they are getting

on. When kids grow up, parenting changes, but it does not stop. The

relationships change. Like a comedy 7-Up? A bit like that. Let's remind

ourselves just why you love them. Howard you decide who is Prime

Minister? There is an election and people vote. Are there lots of

people and they say, I have had a terrible life and my family has

died... Does not work entirely like that, no.

It would be good if it did! Is it true that even when a sitcom is not

on television, do the characters still live in your head? Are used or

thinking of stories and the directions you could take the

characters? To be honest, I have loads of voices in my head. But

luckily I am in a profession where I can tell that an advantage rather

than being put into care. Maybe they live in some sort abstract

dimension. But I don't wake up thinking I wonder what George will

be doing today. Is it voices in your head who have told you to

crowdfund? Crowdfunding a novel, yes. I found a brilliant publisher

and they are called Unbound. It is a very 18th-century kind of notion.

You reach out to people who would like to read the book, like fans,

and you make them your patron and say, can you fund the book?

Strangely, the novel has seen say, can you fund the book?

Saint Kilda. Really? Yes, say, can you fund the book?

have to pay? If you just want the book, it is ?10. There are various

rewards. You will go to someone else's house for dinner you said.

And eat their food. I am prepared to travel for two hours for free food!

What about Saint Kilda? That might be a bit more. You are starting to

price this like a mechanic. Saint Kilda, that will cost you!

So, it is throwback Friday. Do you remember this song?

# Put your hands on, put your hands on.

# Put your hands on, put your hands on.

It has got a good beat. Do you remember it? Know. As Carrie Grant

has been finding out, the story behind the song is not as upbeat as

you might expect. This is one of the most popular

singalong party and festival tracks. Place Your Hands was a

top ten hit for West Country rockers Reef in 1996. Despite being such an

upbeat track, the song was written after Gary Stringer's grandfather's

death. I was grieving and that is how it

came out in that lyric. The band started work on their second album.

With three top 40 hits to their name already, renowned American producer

was drafted in to help take the band to the next level. He was a great

producer, a great producer, division and the bigger thing that when you

are young... When you in a band, it is sometimes hard to hear the

structure and the arrangement. Someone like George with that

knowledge and overview can say, try this, try that. What made you want

to work with the band? I think they made a great noise. I think it was a

matter of being brave, having an experiment, opening up a little bit

more and instead of adding salt and pepper, maybe chilli powder or

something like that. Extending the flavour palette of the music.

With George's encouragement to try different styles, Place Your Hands

started to take shape. He had a 60s Fender Jazz bass and it

was so nice to play. I started playing this baseline, a bit of a

Motown feel. I started singing it. It was quite mellow at first, take

me down to the water... Totally different lyric?

Totally different, yes. The band went on tour across the UK. One

night, Gary had some bad news. One night on the road, unfortunately my

grandfather Ken died. He passed away. My grandparents were amazing

beautiful people in everywhere. We brought the tour bus down to their

house. They just hang out one I went to see my families. I gave my Nan a

cuddle and my mum and dad. He was the first real person I knew who

passed away. That made an impact. I cried at the common one in four

weeks after he died. I remember playing that album and welling up

thinking about my grandad. The lyric that came out, place your hands on,

it is just asking for a cuddle really.

It is a gospel song. I know Gary says it is about the sad thing in

his life, but I thought, why not turn it around and make a

celebration out of it? With George adding his magic to the mix, the

band's album Glow went to number one with Place Your Hands becoming a big

hit. Now having taken a seven-year break from the band, Reef are back

working with George and new guitarist Jesse Wood, son of Ronnie.

Why Reef? I am a fan, I still am. It is about chemistry with bands. It is

amazing. # Put your hands on, put your hands

on. Having a song which is so anthemic,

can it be a blessing or curse? I cannot see the curse at all.

Everything came together, it felt good. The drums were pushing a

different way. You could singalong. There was everything but the kitchen

sink on the record also! Maybe people get wound up about

singing these songs, I don't. Genuinely, hand on heart, I love

singing that song. That is so lovely. Such a big song

with a sweet story behind it. Carrie, thank you for that. You are

here to tell us how we can get involved in this year's virtual

choir. We launched on Wednesday. We want everyone to join in. Last year

we had overcome all the faithful, this year we have got vintage pop so

we have the Ronettes, Sleigh Ride. -- O come all the faithful.

We have had some great entries already? We have, but mainly women.

How do people get involved? You have to go to the One Show website. You

have to have two devices, when you play the track on with headphones

and one that you film yourself. You have two different lead vocals and

three different harmony once. You choose the one you think you are

best at. Are you getting all this, Andy? You sing along with the

singer. You film yourself on your device, then you upload it and we

have got your performance. It is so easy anybody could do it.

Isn't that right, Patrick? # come on, it is lovely weather... I

am thinking Michael B below. APPLAUSE

Please don't let me be the only one in this year's virtual choir!

Go to the website, please. You only have until midnight on Sunday the

29th of November. We also have to talk about Adele at

the BBC. It is on tonight at BBC One. I'm bursting. We did the

behind-the-scenes film a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing. The new

material is fantastic. She is funny, just down-to-earth.

Let's have a look and listen at the exclusive clip. This is Adele with

Someone Like You. Brilliant. That is on tonight at

8:30pm. We had to say thank you to you, Andy. Thank you. Good luck with

the tour. Matt and Alex will be back on Monday

with Vernon Kay. Bye-bye! For the sad old earth

must borrow its mirth,