Christmas, Christmas! Diddy Movies


Christmas, Christmas!

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Lights, camera, action!

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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# With our Diddy Movies (You're living the dream!)

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# We were down on our luck

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# We were burnt-out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# But we waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah! #

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Lights! Camera! Crackers! Baubles!

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Crackers! Nuts! Crackers! Satsumas!

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Crack... KER-THWACK!

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Thank you, mother.

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Next up, it's the jingle-belting, A Christmas Christmas Movie!

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Hey, will you cut that out! I hate Christmas.

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So, guys, what's your latest movie all about?

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BOTH: Christmas!

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I love it! Yeah!

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And because it's Christmas, luvvie,

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-we thought we'd treat you to a premium, premier seat!

-Wowsers!

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And it's got a built in cup-holder,

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a massager...press that button.

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It's also got GPS, it's got a hairdryer,

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a full set of encyclopaedias, and best of all, a TV!

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But, guys!

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Now I can't even see the cinema screen!

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I really love it!

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Hmmm, a sausage.

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It's starting, it's starting!

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This movie had better be Christmassy, or else!

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Diddy Movies presents, A Christmas Christmas Movie.

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In a secret corner of the North Pole lived two little elves.

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CLOCK: WAKE UP!

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-Morning, Merry elf!

-Morning, Johnny elf!

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And they both loved one thing more than anything else in the world.

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Look, Merry!

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Yes, it's the 24th...

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of June!

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Which means?

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It's nearly...

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BOTH: Christmas!

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Christmas!

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Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!

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Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!

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Heh-heh-heh! Christmas!

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Christmas!

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BOTH: We love Christmas!

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SANTA TOY: Ho, ho, ho!

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# Stick a holly on your stocking

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# Decorate the tree with 20 mince pies

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# Put a fairy on your Yule log

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# Give the carol singer a big surprise

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# Pull a cracker, pull a cracker

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# Pull a big cracker and blow it up

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# Fill the sleigh with piles of boiled sprouts... #

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-No!

-Not sprouts!

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Never sprouts! We hate sprouts!

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# Sing a carol up the chimney

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# Honey roasted nuts

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# In a TV guide! #

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Merry! There's only 182 days until Christmas!

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-We'd better get to work!

-Agh!

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Paper, sticky tape... Ooh!

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Funny little bow thing.

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Right, that's one done. Only seven billion more to go.

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SIREN SOUNDS

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It's him! He wants us!

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Ah! Hello there, my little helpers!

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BOTH: Hi, Santa!

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How good of you to "pop" in!

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-Ooh, pop!

-BOTH: Ha, ha, ha!

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I've just been practising my new Father Christmas laugh!

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What do you think?

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TERRIFYING MANIACAL LAUGHTER

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No?

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Ah, Mother Christmas!

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Here you go-ho-ho, dear! Your mid-morning mince pie.

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Oh, wonderful, dear! Ho, ho!

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Only 182 days to go, eh, boys?

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Now, then, I expect you're wondering why

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I've called you here so urgently?

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Well, I'm, um,

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I'm cancelling Christmas.

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-Yeah, OK.

-Probably for the best.

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BOTH: What?!

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Well, I'm busy that day.

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You can't cancel Christmas! It's all we have!

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FIZZ-BANG-HISS

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Ho-ho-ho...

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SHORT-CIRCUITING SOUND

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Ho-ho-ho-ho...

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Santa isn't Santa!

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He's a robot!

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-EVIL ROBOTIC VOICE:

-All of Christmas shall be destroyed for ever!

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But remember to be good!

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Oh, ho, ho, ho! Eh-ho-her-ho-her...

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BREAKS DOWN

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BOTH: Aaah!

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What are we going to do?

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How are we going to find the real Santa?

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BOTH: Rudolf!

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Good morning, elves!

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And what a foot-tapping, nose-warming,

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-tiddly-di-di-morning it is, too.

-Ahhh!

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Aw, you're my bestest friends in the whole wide world!

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BOTH: Awww!

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-That means I'll always be there for you, come rain or shine.

-Awww!

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Yep, you can always rely on good old Rudolf to spread some sunshine.

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Put on a smiley face, accentuate the amazingness,

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big up the brilliance, heighten the...

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BLOMP!

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I always said vegetables were bad for you.

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No, luvvie - he's a robot, too.

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Oh, well.

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Vegetables are very important for a healthy and balanced diet!

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BURPS

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Made in the Kingdom of Grump?

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Well, if we have to save Christmas and find Santa,

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then we must go there! We have to get to the bottom of this!

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I've got to the bottom of this!

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And that's where the USB port is.

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Wooo-ha, ha, ha!

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Wah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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BOTH LAUGH

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The Kingdom of Grump is miles away!

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I know, let's build the best snowman ever, to take us there!

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We can SO do that!

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Yeah, I know, right?

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MUSIC: Deck the Halls

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Hey! All right, lads! Where was it? Kingdom of Grump?

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All right, let's get on with it, we can't stop here,

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not before 6:30, anyway.

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HE SNEEZES

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Er, nah, you're all right! We'll catch the bus, instead.

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Yeah, it wasn't that important, anyway.

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Oh, it's all right! Don't worry,

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I've only crashed twice...today! Heh, heh! Here we go!

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So, are we nearly there yet, Mr Snowman?

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Well, I got to be honest with you, lads, I've got no idea.

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I mean, that's the trouble with snow,

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You see, it all looks the same.

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Do you think I should have turned left at Siberia?

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WHOOSH!

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Oh, Blimey! Watch where you're flying, mate!

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Budget airlines.

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# Frosty the snowman, had a splendid la-de-dah... #

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Oh, I never remember the words to this.

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I tell you what, I'll do a bit of Coldplay. Ho, ho! Coldplay, get it?

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# Look at that snow, and it was all yellow! #

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Yeah, sorry about the slight diversion, lads,

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but if somebody had given me proper eyes in the first place!

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Snowman, what IS the Kingdom of Grump?

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It's a land where Christmas never comes.

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BURPS

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Well, be lucky! Ta-ta.

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Merry! This place is awful.

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This is the...future!

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Unless we save Christmas by tonight!

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BOTH: Santa!

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DOLL SQUEAKS

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Santa!

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It's us! We've come to save you - and Christmas!

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What is this "Christmas"?

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BOTH: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...

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Took us ages to write this bit.

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The 'O' key was jammed on my laptop.

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..o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...

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Hello, boys!

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Mother Christmas! And...

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BLUBBER-BLUBBER!

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BOTH: Ew. N-o-o-o-o-o...

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-Oh, shut UP!

-Er, yes.

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So, you've found where I've hidden the REAL Santa?

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Well, you're too late.

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He's not interested in delivering presents anymore!

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He only wants to DESTROY THEM!

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For years, I've been forced to listen to you lot go on about Christmas

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all the time!

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The marzipan, the trimmings, the nuts!

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Well, I'm sick of it!

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BLUBBER-BLUBBER!

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I wanted to be a ballet dancer.

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Really?

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NO! But I'm going to make sure Christmas NEVER happens again!

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And you won't stop me!

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You boys just...relax.

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Veg out.

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SHE CACKLES Henchturkey - release the sprouts!

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Whoa!

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BOTH: Sprouts! Blah!

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Santa, help us!

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What is Santa?

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Argh! We're finished!

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Right, you hairy chimney kisser! I've had enough!

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There are kids all over the world waiting for their presents,

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so snap out of it, fluffy cuffs!

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Do that again!

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Feed me shed loads of sprouts!

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HE GULPS

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Wait a minute, yes, I remember!

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I'm Santa!

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BOTH: Yeah!

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Shuffle back, boys, shuffle back.

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I'm going to blow this place.

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-Ho...

-PFT

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-ho...

-PFT

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-..H-O-O-O-O!

-ENORMOUS FART

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BOOM!

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Euch!

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What? Henchturkey - attack!

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Whoa-whoa-whoo...

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You're stuck now, MC!

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Time to wrap this up!

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Whooooh...

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I guess you could call her a clear and PRESENT danger! Ha, ha, ha!

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BOOM!

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And, so, with naughty Mother Christmas trussed up like a turkey

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and the presents carefully wrapped, the great Christmas delivery began.

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ALL: Whoa!

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Ha, ha, ha! Everything worked out all Christmassy and lovely.

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Yes, isn't it all festive and Christmassy and simply perfect!

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Everything couldn't be more swell.

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All warm and cosy and very Christmassy.

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ALL: Merry Christmas one and all!

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So, Barry, what do you think?

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What about you lot? What did you think?

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PANICKED SHOUTING

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SHOUTING AND SCREAMING CONTINUES

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I'm ruined. I'm ruined, I tell yous!

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Don't worry, Mr Weinsteinburger!

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We've got a new idea for a movie.

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Yes, this one's got...

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evil Wi-Fi.

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-THINKING:

-'Dumb, stupid...

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'ignorant...'

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'ignoramuses!'

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-I love it!

-KER-CHING!

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Here's the money!

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# Go Diddy Movies, yeah! #

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