Andy Parsons - Slacktivist


Andy Parsons - Slacktivist

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Andy Parsons - Slacktivist. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains strong language

0:00:020:00:09

OK, so I'm just going to pull this strip gently. Are you ready?

0:00:090:00:12

Yeah, OK.

0:00:120:00:13

OK, so I'm just going to pop a little bit of this on your head.

0:00:240:00:26

One last thing now. Close your eyes.

0:00:460:00:50

Ooh.

0:00:500:00:51

Be funny, OK?

0:00:510:00:54

Yeah. Thanks.

0:00:540:00:55

Ooh!

0:01:010:01:03

The lights are fading. You're thinking,

0:01:050:01:07

"The show's starting. I should have gone for a piss."

0:01:070:01:10

Well, it's too late.

0:01:120:01:13

The show has already started, so without further to-do,

0:01:130:01:16

would you please welcome to the stage a man who you may have seen

0:01:160:01:19

at the British Comedy Awards 2012,

0:01:190:01:22

winning sod all.

0:01:220:01:24

A man who has been in two films,

0:01:260:01:28

neither of which have ever been released

0:01:280:01:31

and a man, although he's the only person

0:01:310:01:34

playing the Harrogate Theatre this evening,

0:01:340:01:36

got given dressing room two.

0:01:360:01:38

Yes, please welcome a man who's too tight to employ a support act,

0:01:410:01:45

a man who, himself, should probably have gone for a piss

0:01:450:01:48

before the show started.

0:01:480:01:51

Here he is, a man who has to do his own offstage announcements.

0:01:510:01:55

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Andy Parsons.

0:01:570:01:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:000:02:03

Oh, yes, very exciting. Very, very exciting, ladies and gentlemen.

0:02:170:02:21

Here, at Harrogate Theatre.

0:02:210:02:23

CHEERING

0:02:230:02:25

Yes, seven people are as excited as I am.

0:02:250:02:27

One of the finest theatres opposite a Marks & Spencer's,

0:02:280:02:34

very close to an Argos,

0:02:340:02:36

and a Primark that any man could hope to play.

0:02:360:02:40

And you, the good people of Harrogate,

0:02:420:02:44

apparently you drink to more hazardous levels

0:02:440:02:48

and watch more porn than anywhere else in the UK.

0:02:480:02:53

And you like to clap yourselves.

0:02:590:03:01

So we thought, given those two facts,

0:03:030:03:05

we thought it would be a perfect place to film the DVD.

0:03:050:03:08

Yes.

0:03:100:03:11

Obviously, you may come across, during tonight's performance,

0:03:110:03:15

the resident ghost, which is apparently called Alice.

0:03:150:03:19

Often manifests herself as a smell in the corridor.

0:03:190:03:22

So if you do have a little bit of wind, save it till the interval,

0:03:250:03:29

you should be in the clear.

0:03:290:03:31

But relax. Relax, I'm not expecting too much.

0:03:340:03:38

I realise we live in difficult economic times.

0:03:380:03:43

Obviously, people still blaming the banks,

0:03:430:03:45

and for very, very good reason.

0:03:450:03:47

But let's face it, even before the banking crisis,

0:03:470:03:50

we didn't really like banks that much

0:03:500:03:52

cos we don't tend to have very positive relationships

0:03:520:03:54

with our banks.

0:03:540:03:56

As an example, I was recently trying to pay a tax bill online.

0:03:560:04:00

Yeah, cos some comedians do pay their taxes.

0:04:010:04:03

Let me tell you,

0:04:100:04:11

that would have got nothing in Greece, ladies and gentlemen.

0:04:110:04:13

So I was trying to pay this tax bill, right?

0:04:150:04:17

And there was a problem, so it said I needed to phone up my bank.

0:04:170:04:20

So I phone up my bank,

0:04:200:04:21

and it's one of those automated systems

0:04:210:04:23

where you have to put in a couple of digits of your pass code,

0:04:230:04:25

so I put in two digits of my pass code,

0:04:250:04:27

hoping to get through to the advisor, but oh, no,

0:04:270:04:29

it's options, then further options,

0:04:290:04:31

then more options and finally I get through to an advisor

0:04:310:04:34

and the first thing she says is,

0:04:340:04:35

"Please could you put in two digits of your pass code?"

0:04:350:04:38

So now when I phone up the bank and it asks me initially

0:04:380:04:41

to put in two digits of my pass code, I get them wrong

0:04:410:04:44

because, get this, then you get straight through to an advisor.

0:04:440:04:47

Ah!

0:04:490:04:50

So this advisor, she says to me, "Ah, Mr Parsons,"

0:04:500:04:53

she says, "I can see exactly what the problem is," she says.

0:04:530:04:55

"You are trying to pay by debit card.

0:04:550:04:57

"Mr Parsons, I need to tell you, when you pay by debit card,

0:04:570:05:00

"we have limits in place to prevent fraud,"

0:05:000:05:02

and I said, "Well, you know it's not fraud, don't you?

0:05:020:05:04

"Cos we've obviously spent the last five minutes verifying

0:05:040:05:07

"I am who I say I am and, what is more,

0:05:070:05:09

"you obviously don't think it's fraud, do you?

0:05:090:05:11

"Cos you keep referring to me as Mr Parsons."

0:05:110:05:14

"And, what is more, in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried

0:05:150:05:19

"to defraud anybody else by paying their fricking tax bill for them?"

0:05:190:05:22

She said, "Mr Parsons, if you insist on paying by debit card,

0:05:300:05:34

"it should be fine.

0:05:340:05:35

"You will just need to pay in a series of instalments."

0:05:350:05:38

So I said, "So, you're quite happy to be defrauded,

0:05:380:05:41

"just over a number of days."

0:05:410:05:42

She said, "I'm not authorised to answer that.

0:05:450:05:48

"I can merely repeat we have limits in place to prevent fraud."

0:05:480:05:52

I said, "Look, you know it's not fraud, don't you?

0:05:520:05:54

"Not only have I answered all the questions you've got in front of you,

0:05:540:05:57

"I can throw you some bonus questions as well.

0:05:570:06:00

"Not only do I know my mother's maiden name,

0:06:000:06:02

"I know my grandmother's maiden name and all my fricking cousins as well."

0:06:020:06:06

"Well," she said, "Mr Parsons, I should warn you,

0:06:070:06:10

"we record these telephone conversations for training purposes."

0:06:100:06:15

I said, "Well, I don't think they'll be using this one."

0:06:150:06:18

"No, cos if they do, they'll learn sod all."

0:06:190:06:21

Well, at this point she said,

0:06:240:06:25

"I think I may have to get my supervisor to give you a call back."

0:06:250:06:28

So, lo and behold, five minutes later

0:06:280:06:30

I get a call back from the supervisor.

0:06:300:06:32

"Hello, is that Mr Parsons?" "Yes, it is Mr Parsons."

0:06:320:06:34

"Hello, it's the bank supervisor here.

0:06:340:06:36

"I just need to ask you a couple of security questions."

0:06:360:06:40

I said, "But you phoned me up.

0:06:400:06:42

"Surely I'm the one who should be asking the questions.

0:06:430:06:46

"Surely you've got some quite good security answers about me already,

0:06:460:06:49

"given that you've phoned my home phone number

0:06:490:06:51

"and I am specifically waiting for your call.

0:06:510:06:54

"Of course, there's a very good chance I am, in fact,

0:06:540:06:57

"a burglar who's just picked up the phone on the off chance

0:06:570:07:00

"that there might be a bank on the other end of the line

0:07:000:07:02

"being a bit loose with some account details."

0:07:020:07:05

He said, "Mr Parsons, what I'm going to do,"

0:07:130:07:16

he said, "is I'm going to put you through to our fraud team.

0:07:160:07:19

"They will clear your card, put you back to me,

0:07:190:07:22

"and we'll be able to proceed."

0:07:220:07:24

I said, "But how will I know it's the fraud team?"

0:07:240:07:26

"Why don't you put yourself through to the fraud team,

0:07:280:07:31

"you clear my debit card, get back to me?

0:07:310:07:32

"I've still got some burgling to do."

0:07:320:07:34

He said, "Mr Parsons, before I put you through,

0:07:380:07:41

"is there anything else I can help you with?"

0:07:410:07:44

I said, "Given your record so far,

0:07:460:07:47

"that seems unlikely but please keep talking.

0:07:470:07:51

"I think I might be able to get a routine out of this."

0:07:510:07:54

To which he replied, "I think I recognise your voice,

0:08:030:08:09

"are you that comedian bloke?"

0:08:090:08:11

To which I said, "I'm terribly sorry,

0:08:110:08:13

"I'm not authorised to answer that."

0:08:130:08:15

Oh, yeah.

0:08:170:08:18

You know, let's face it, people get frustrated with me.

0:08:260:08:30

I'm accident prone. Yeah.

0:08:300:08:33

I recently almost got run over by a bus,

0:08:330:08:36

which was definitely careless cos I was actually on a bus at the time.

0:08:360:08:40

It was one of those Routemaster buses, you know,

0:08:400:08:42

you can come off the back, right?

0:08:420:08:43

And he was going really, really slowly

0:08:430:08:45

past exactly where I wanted to go.

0:08:450:08:46

I thought, "This is too good an opportunity to miss."

0:08:460:08:49

Now, with hindsight,

0:08:490:08:50

maybe it wasn't going quite as slowly as I thought it was.

0:08:500:08:54

Either that, or just as I was about to jump off,

0:08:540:08:56

the old bus driver could see me in his rear view mirror and he thought,

0:08:560:08:59

"Right, I'm going to fuck him up."

0:08:590:09:01

Also with hindsight, right, if I ever jump off a bus again,

0:09:040:09:06

I will jump off in the direction the bus is travelling

0:09:060:09:09

and run alongside for a little bit

0:09:090:09:11

until the momentum of the bus has worn off.

0:09:110:09:14

As it was, I jumped off the back.

0:09:140:09:16

For a split second, I thought I'd been pretty cool

0:09:160:09:18

and a split second later I was going arse over tit

0:09:180:09:22

in front of an entire bus queue

0:09:220:09:23

who thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen.

0:09:230:09:27

And you can imagine, you've just cartwheeled on the road, right?

0:09:270:09:30

You've gone bang, you've hurt yourself quite badly,

0:09:300:09:32

your watch has come off, you're rolling around, right?

0:09:320:09:35

You put your watch back on.

0:09:350:09:36

They'll never notice on the DVD.

0:09:430:09:45

And there I was, right, lying in the road and I look up.

0:09:480:09:52

Nothing is more distressing, let me tell you,

0:09:520:09:54

when you've just cartwheeled on the road,

0:09:540:09:56

to see an entire bus queue absolutely pissing themselves,

0:09:560:10:00

and if that wasn't enough, suddenly there was a screech of tyres

0:10:000:10:03

and I looked round, right, and a car had pulled up, right?

0:10:030:10:05

It was a taxi and I thought, "He's seen me fall off the bus,

0:10:050:10:08

"he's going to help me."

0:10:080:10:09

Oh, no. Typical London. Beep! Beep!

0:10:090:10:12

I thought, "Oh, my God, what am I going to do?"

0:10:120:10:14

I thought, "I'm going to have to front this out," right?

0:10:140:10:17

So, I struggled to my feet, yeah?

0:10:170:10:20

I bowed to the bus queue.

0:10:200:10:21

I bowed to the taxi driver and then I went round the corner

0:10:220:10:25

and had a little cry.

0:10:250:10:27

Oh, yeah.

0:10:280:10:30

Yeah.

0:10:330:10:35

Cos I'm one of those people who struggle to complete anything, right?

0:10:350:10:38

I bought myself a guitar.

0:10:380:10:39

I learnt to play a chord, it hurt my fingers, I give it up.

0:10:390:10:42

I learnt to ride a unicycle,

0:10:440:10:46

but there's no brakes on a unicycle and I live on a hill.

0:10:460:10:49

I tried fire breathing.

0:10:510:10:53

I inhaled and then burped.

0:10:530:10:56

If I'm absolutely honest, the only reason I got into stand-up comedy

0:10:590:11:02

was I loved the lifestyle.

0:11:020:11:03

You didn't have to do anything during the day,

0:11:030:11:05

you had to normally do about 20 minutes' work in the evening

0:11:050:11:08

and they gave you free booze.

0:11:080:11:10

And admittedly, occasionally, you have to deal with an audience,

0:11:100:11:13

but that's usually great fun.

0:11:130:11:15

My favourite heckle ever, woman shouted out, "Stop talking.

0:11:150:11:19

"I'm going to wee myself."

0:11:190:11:21

Right, I was thinking, right, what other jobs I quite fancy.

0:11:260:11:30

I was thinking I quite fancy wind farmer. Oh, yeah.

0:11:300:11:33

I think out of all the farmer jobs, that's got to be the best, hasn't it?

0:11:330:11:36

You know, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed,

0:11:370:11:40

check the wind's blowing. Yes, it is, brilliant. Back to bed again.

0:11:400:11:43

Alternatively, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed.

0:11:450:11:49

Wind's not blowing. Nothing I can do about it.

0:11:490:11:51

Back to bed again.

0:11:510:11:52

Oh, yeah.

0:11:540:11:55

But if I have got things to do, right,

0:12:000:12:02

if I have got things to do, I like to write a list.

0:12:020:12:04

You think you've done something then, don't you?

0:12:040:12:06

But even better than writing the list, oh!

0:12:060:12:08

Crossing something off the list. You know you've done something then.

0:12:080:12:11

You can have yourself a little treat then, can't you?

0:12:110:12:14

Have a cup of tea. Yeah.

0:12:140:12:15

But the secret, ladies and gentlemen,

0:12:150:12:17

is to write "Make tea" on the list.

0:12:170:12:19

Oh!

0:12:190:12:21

Write "Make tea" on the list, make the tea, have the tea,

0:12:210:12:24

cross it off the list.

0:12:240:12:25

Yeah.

0:12:250:12:26

Cos we always like to think,

0:12:300:12:32

"Oh, technology, that saves us time," but usually technology

0:12:320:12:35

is just a brilliant new way of wasting more time, yeah?

0:12:350:12:39

Take your phone, right?

0:12:390:12:40

Your phone now, you can check your e-mails, check your texts,

0:12:400:12:42

check Facebook, check Twitter, right?

0:12:420:12:44

Whichever one you check first, you think,

0:12:440:12:46

"I've not checked that for five minutes,"

0:12:460:12:48

you can check it all over again.

0:12:480:12:49

You think you've done something, but in reality you've done nothing.

0:12:490:12:52

It is the equivalent of, every five minutes,

0:12:520:12:54

going up and opening your front door to see if there's anybody there

0:12:540:12:57

and then having a little walk back again.

0:12:570:13:00

But if, like me, you are a fan of a late start, right,

0:13:060:13:09

I have just had a shock to the system

0:13:090:13:11

cos I've just had a child, ladies and gentlemen,

0:13:110:13:13

and let me tell you, as any parents in the audience will know,

0:13:130:13:16

trying to do very little when you've had a kid is extremely difficult

0:13:160:13:19

and if you do succeed in doing very little when you have a child,

0:13:190:13:22

sooner or later they tend to take the child away from you.

0:13:220:13:24

Which slightly goes against why you had a kid in the first place,

0:13:290:13:32

cos our society can take a lot of things now, can't it, you know?

0:13:320:13:35

They've got more relaxed about various things.

0:13:350:13:37

Drug use, divorce, but child neglect?

0:13:370:13:39

That's still a social taboo, isn't it, eh?

0:13:390:13:41

You've got to love kids.

0:13:410:13:43

Obviously not too much.

0:13:430:13:44

That's another social taboo right there, isn't it?

0:13:460:13:48

But even when it comes to that, I was thinking, "I'm not strictly moral."

0:13:480:13:51

Cos there was that story, wasn't there?

0:13:510:13:53

Maths teacher on the south coast,

0:13:530:13:55

he ran away with one of his 15-year-old pupils over to France

0:13:550:13:57

and I was following that story, I thought, "That's terrible."

0:13:570:14:00

Then there was another story,

0:14:000:14:01

26-year-old female PE teacher shagging one of her 15-year-olds

0:14:010:14:05

and there was me thinking, "Well, where was she when I was at school?"

0:14:050:14:08

So you'll be pleased to hear I've had a good hard look at myself,

0:14:150:14:18

tried to work out why I was having this child,

0:14:180:14:20

and I came to the conclusion that it was probably selfish reasons.

0:14:200:14:24

You know, I didn't want to wait so long that I couldn't,

0:14:240:14:26

in fact, have a child, cos you see these stories in the press now,

0:14:260:14:29

don't you, people, like, aged 70, having babies.

0:14:290:14:31

You think, "Oh, no, that's too old."

0:14:310:14:33

You don't want to be a kid struggling to walk,

0:14:330:14:35

suddenly realising that your parents are in exactly the same state.

0:14:350:14:38

And there was, I'll admit, there was just a little bit of me that thought,

0:14:410:14:44

"Wouldn't it be nice, when I'm really, really old,

0:14:440:14:46

"to have at least one person I know who can wipe my arse?"

0:14:460:14:48

No, I realise it's not the most positive reason to have a child

0:14:500:14:54

but fair's fair, I'm wiping his arse now.

0:14:540:14:56

In 40 years' time, he may have to wipe my arse

0:14:560:14:58

and my arse then - much bigger than his arse now, therefore I win.

0:14:580:15:01

I get the feeling one or two of you may be judging me

0:15:080:15:10

at the moment, ladies and gentlemen.

0:15:100:15:12

But let's face it, let's face it, I could be a worse father, couldn't I?

0:15:130:15:17

A lot of comedians, they just seem to use their kids

0:15:170:15:19

very callously as sources of material.

0:15:190:15:21

Now, I have far too many embarrassing stories

0:15:210:15:24

about myself without shopping members of my family.

0:15:240:15:27

I'm a dreamer, ladies and gentlemen. So maybe, right,

0:15:270:15:30

let's say there's been a disaster on the news,

0:15:300:15:32

let's say there's been a plane crash, right?

0:15:320:15:34

But only one person has survived and I'll be watching that story

0:15:340:15:37

and I'll be thinking, "Oh, yeah, that one person would have been me."

0:15:370:15:40

And I think, "Why do I think that?"

0:15:420:15:43

I'm not very strong, I've got no medical skills,

0:15:430:15:45

no survival knowledge, I'm not very good in a crisis.

0:15:450:15:48

I'm weak willed, I have a tendency to panic and my one

0:15:480:15:52

and only true ability is my ability to fantasise how good

0:15:520:15:55

I would be in situations I've never found myself in.

0:15:550:15:59

As an example of my ability to deal with a crisis,

0:15:590:16:01

I recently went parachuting.

0:16:010:16:03

Now, for those of you who have been parachuting will know, they tell you

0:16:030:16:06

when you jump out that plane, shout, "1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000."

0:16:060:16:09

I jumped out that plane, I shouted, "Fuck," all the way down.

0:16:090:16:12

I had some friends on the ground, right?

0:16:180:16:20

I said to them after, I said, "Could you tell which one was me?"

0:16:200:16:23

They said, "We could hear you from about halfway down."

0:16:230:16:26

And because I can get stressed out, I always think I have to walk

0:16:300:16:34

a narrow tightrope between boredom and excitement, right?

0:16:340:16:37

Oh, that's a little too boring for me,

0:16:370:16:39

I need a little bit more excitement.

0:16:390:16:41

Hang on, I need to go back a little the other way...which is why

0:16:410:16:44

I don't think eight-hour tantric sex is for me.

0:16:440:16:47

I suspect for a good proportion of that, I'd be bored

0:16:490:16:52

and then when it came to the climax, I'd probably have a heart attack.

0:16:520:16:55

And people go, "Well, what a way to go." No.

0:16:580:17:00

I don't think you want to get rigor mortis with your cum face on.

0:17:000:17:04

And the thing is, ladies and gentlemen, I suspect

0:17:170:17:19

if you remember nothing else from tonight's show...

0:17:190:17:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:220:17:24

But because I can get stressed out,

0:17:300:17:33

I always think if there's a little bit of pampering ever,

0:17:330:17:35

you know, if it's being offered, well, you know, I deserve it.

0:17:350:17:38

So let's say you're in a hotel,

0:17:380:17:40

there's a bit of massage going on, you think,

0:17:400:17:42

"Oh, I'll have a bit of that,"

0:17:420:17:43

so I treated myself to a little foot massage, right?

0:17:430:17:46

Yeah, it was a good one. Yeah, it was a good one.

0:17:460:17:48

Bit too good.

0:17:480:17:49

I started getting a little reaction downstairs and I thought,

0:17:490:17:53

"Oh, that is inappropriate, isn't it?"

0:17:530:17:55

The thing was, the more inappropriate I thought it was,

0:17:550:17:58

the bigger it seemed to get.

0:17:580:17:59

It's that little naughty bit of your brain, isn't it,

0:17:590:18:01

the bit you struggle to control, you know, the bit where,

0:18:010:18:04

say you were at a funeral, somebody farts, you can't help giggling.

0:18:040:18:09

And the thing was, it was a bloke who was giving the foot massage.

0:18:090:18:12

I know. I know.

0:18:120:18:14

It wasn't even a fit bloke, right? So I'm there in my dressing gown,

0:18:140:18:16

I'm desperately trying to get myself together,

0:18:160:18:18

trying to calm myself down, trying to think of everything to put

0:18:180:18:21

myself off, you know, so I'm thinking of Eric Pickles and...

0:18:210:18:26

sharks, traffic accidents, sharks involved in traffic accidents.

0:18:260:18:30

Turns out that shark traffic accidents, bloody sexy they are.

0:18:300:18:33

Obviously I'm having a little look at the bloke

0:18:360:18:38

to see if he can tell that I'm a bit distracted, right?

0:18:380:18:41

And I don't think he's actually noticed but I think he can tell that

0:18:410:18:44

I'm definitely not concentrating fully, mainly because I keep going,

0:18:440:18:48

"Shark! Shark!"

0:18:480:18:50

So thankfully he eventually

0:18:550:18:56

puts my feet in the old bucket of water, he goes off to reception,

0:18:560:18:59

he says, "Come out when you're ready."

0:18:590:19:01

He didn't say, "I've finished, you can finish yourself off now," right?

0:19:010:19:06

But, you know, blokes will know that if you do have

0:19:060:19:09

an embarrassing erection, it's not easy to cover it up, is it?

0:19:090:19:12

You know, you can stick your hand in your pocket, can't you, right,

0:19:120:19:15

and stick your bum out a bit, you know?

0:19:150:19:16

But it tends to usually just look like you've still got

0:19:260:19:28

an erection but you shat yourself at the same time.

0:19:280:19:31

You can actually get these sandals now, right,

0:19:360:19:38

which have got pressure points on the inside of the sole

0:19:380:19:41

which massage your feet as you walk along.

0:19:410:19:44

My friend said he was going to get me a pair for Christmas.

0:19:440:19:47

I said, "Don't do that. I walk round town in those,

0:19:470:19:50

"I'm going to get done for indecent behaviour."

0:19:500:19:52

But the police, they're struggling at the moment, aren't they?

0:19:530:19:57

Cos they, oh, the government have cut their numbers

0:19:570:19:59

and the police said they, oh, they said,

0:19:590:20:01

"If you cut our numbers, crime is going to go up."

0:20:010:20:04

Now, crime has, in fact, gone down.

0:20:040:20:07

That's slightly embarrassing for the police, isn't it?

0:20:070:20:10

Best interpretation of those figures is that police numbers

0:20:100:20:13

have very little effect on overall crime.

0:20:130:20:15

The worst interpretation of those figures is, in fact, that the police

0:20:150:20:18

were responsible for a lot of the crime.

0:20:180:20:21

Obviously some of the police officers have been up to no good.

0:20:240:20:27

They've been taking some money off the tabloid journalists

0:20:270:20:29

and the public have been asked -

0:20:290:20:31

"What do you want to happen about this?"

0:20:310:20:33

And the public have said,

0:20:330:20:34

"We want legislation against these journalists.

0:20:340:20:36

"We don't trust the journalists."

0:20:360:20:38

But they've said they don't actually want MPs to legislate against

0:20:380:20:41

the journalists, cos they trust the MPs even less than the journalists.

0:20:410:20:45

But you think, "What a tragedy that politics is regarded as less

0:20:450:20:49

"trustworthy than the profession that hacked the phone of a dead girl."

0:20:490:20:52

You're thinking, "Who's going to save politics?"

0:20:520:20:55

Various names are bandied around.

0:20:550:20:57

Boris Johnson,

0:20:570:20:58

a man who apparently is desperate to become our next Prime Minister.

0:20:580:21:02

But what you may not know, he was in fact born in America,

0:21:020:21:05

so he is eligible to become the next

0:21:050:21:07

President of the United States of America

0:21:070:21:10

and that would be my preferred option.

0:21:100:21:12

Be fantastic, wouldn't it?

0:21:140:21:15

The most powerful man in the world, the leader of the free nations,

0:21:150:21:18

and you just see a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike.

0:21:180:21:21

The man is a serial shagger, isn't he?

0:21:260:21:28

This is the man, right, whose first marriage went tits-up

0:21:280:21:31

because he was having an affair.

0:21:310:21:32

Then he got kicked off the Conservative front bench because

0:21:320:21:35

he lied about a second affair and now his current wife, she kicked him out

0:21:350:21:38

of the matrimonial home for a while because he was having a third affair.

0:21:380:21:41

And you're thinking, right, Paddy Ashdown, he only had one affair.

0:21:410:21:46

He got known as Paddy Pantsdown.

0:21:460:21:48

What are the journalists waiting for,

0:21:480:21:50

given that Boris's surname is Johnson

0:21:500:21:52

and his initials are BJ?

0:21:520:21:55

And people go, "Oh, but you've got to love him, haven't you?

0:21:550:21:58

"He's quintessentially British," and I'm thinking,

0:21:580:22:01

"No, he was born in America, he's named after a Russian

0:22:010:22:04

"and he looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person."

0:22:040:22:07

And then we've got Iain Duncan Smith

0:22:140:22:16

and his welfare reforms and you're thinking,

0:22:160:22:18

"If you're trying to save money on the welfare budget,

0:22:180:22:21

"surely the easiest and best way of doing that is to actually

0:22:210:22:24

"raise the minimum wage so as the government don't have to pay

0:22:240:22:27

"so many tax credits." Because at the moment, there's a big debate between

0:22:270:22:30

the parties, isn't there, about a living wage against a minimum wage.

0:22:300:22:34

Now, it turns out the living wage is, in fact,

0:22:340:22:36

the minimum wage that you can live off for your basic needs,

0:22:360:22:38

so it turns out the minimum wage isn't, in fact, the minimum wage.

0:22:380:22:41

It's less than the minimum wage. And you're thinking,

0:22:410:22:44

"If it's less than the minimum wage, why is it called the minimum wage?"

0:22:440:22:47

If you can't live off it, you might as well do nothing.

0:22:470:22:49

"Would you like a job?" "Can I live off it?" "No."

0:22:490:22:51

"Brilliant. When do I start?"

0:22:510:22:53

Cameron memorably described UKIP as fruit cakes,

0:22:590:23:02

loonies and closet racists.

0:23:020:23:05

And after he described them as such, loads of people went out

0:23:050:23:09

and voted for UKIP.

0:23:090:23:11

He obviously described a large proportion of the British electorate

0:23:110:23:14

who are going, "What? There is a party for me!"

0:23:140:23:16

We discovered at the same time that apparently the average age

0:23:200:23:24

now of a Conservative party member is 68.

0:23:240:23:28

Yeah.

0:23:280:23:29

Oh, yeah, we have another winter like last year,

0:23:290:23:31

they're in right bloody trouble, they are.

0:23:310:23:33

And Nigel Farage, the leader of UKIP, he has said that all

0:23:370:23:40

the other party leaders, they come from the same elitist background.

0:23:400:23:44

You're thinking, "This is a man who was a stockbroker

0:23:440:23:47

"who went to public school.

0:23:470:23:48

"Surely if he was really a man of the people,

0:23:480:23:50

"he wouldn't be called Nigel Far-ahge, would he?

0:23:500:23:53

He'd be called Nigel Fa-ridge,

0:23:530:23:55

like garage, not gar-ahge.

0:23:550:23:57

But maybe he lives in a vill-ahge in a cott-ahge and enjoys a saus-ahge.

0:24:000:24:04

I mean, the trouble is, though, people come over here,

0:24:060:24:09

don't they, and they don't learn how to pronounce our words.

0:24:090:24:12

It's a bloody outr-ahge, that's what it is.

0:24:120:24:14

Then we've got Liberal Democrats.

0:24:240:24:25

Liberal Democrats, struggling at the moment.

0:24:250:24:27

Down 50% from the general election, aren't they?

0:24:270:24:29

From 22% popularity down to 11%.

0:24:290:24:31

I still think people are missing a trick.

0:24:310:24:33

If anybody asks anybody who they're going to vote for in

0:24:330:24:35

the next general election, everybody should say Liberal Democrat.

0:24:350:24:38

And then when it comes to the general election,

0:24:380:24:40

nobody should vote for them and when Nick Clegg goes,

0:24:400:24:42

"But you promised us," we can all go,

0:24:420:24:44

"Yeah, and now you know how we feel." Hey?

0:24:440:24:46

But he's not the least popular member of the Cabinet. Oh, no.

0:24:530:24:56

The least popular member of the Cabinet - George Osborne.

0:24:560:24:59

Current popularity - minus 53.

0:24:590:25:02

You would have thought two was a pretty poor popularity, wouldn't you?

0:25:020:25:05

Minus 53, that sounds like even imaginary people think he's shit.

0:25:050:25:09

This is the man who went to Brussels to campaign to keep

0:25:140:25:16

bank bonuses exactly the same as they were before the crisis

0:25:160:25:20

and you're thinking, "If a bank has made a profit they get a bonus,

0:25:200:25:23

"but if a bank has made a loss and we've bailed them out,

0:25:230:25:25

"I don't think they should get a bonus," because who gets it in

0:25:250:25:28

the neck from us, right, the public, after the banking crisis?

0:25:280:25:32

It was the people who work as cashiers out front.

0:25:320:25:35

Now, most of them aren't on much more than minimum wage,

0:25:350:25:37

so not only do I think the bankers shouldn't get a bonus, right?

0:25:370:25:41

But I think whoever's made the loss,

0:25:410:25:42

they should have to work out front as cashier number four

0:25:420:25:46

so as we can have a word with them and when that tannoy tells us

0:25:460:25:49

which window to go to, it also tells us what they've done wrong, right?

0:25:490:25:53

So it says, it says, "Oh, yeah.

0:25:540:25:57

"Oh, here we go."

0:25:570:25:58

Harrogate is up for it, ladies and gentlemen.

0:26:000:26:04

You know, the tannoy's there going,

0:26:040:26:05

"He's wasted three billion of your cash.

0:26:050:26:08

"Go and tell him what you think of him. Cashier number two."

0:26:080:26:11

Let's face it, what has actually changed?

0:26:180:26:20

What has changed since the financial crisis?

0:26:200:26:22

What can you put your finger on?

0:26:220:26:24

Have they actually split up the banks into retail

0:26:240:26:26

and investment sides?

0:26:260:26:27

No. Have they made the banks small enough to fail? No.

0:26:270:26:30

Have they done anything about bank bonuses? No.

0:26:300:26:33

The one and only thing you can put your finger on and go,

0:26:330:26:35

"Yes, that has changed,"

0:26:350:26:37

is the fact that Sir Fred Goodwin is no longer Sir Fred Goodwin.

0:26:370:26:40

But let's face it, that's made

0:26:400:26:41

very little practical difference, hasn't it?

0:26:410:26:43

Cos if you ever saw Sir Fred Goodwin,

0:26:430:26:45

you wouldn't have called him Sir Fred Goodwin, would you?

0:26:450:26:47

You might have called him a lot of things,

0:26:470:26:49

but sir would not have been one of them.

0:26:490:26:51

In the same way if you ever came across Lord Sugar,

0:26:510:26:53

you probably wouldn't call him Lord Sugar.

0:26:530:26:55

You'd probably call him Sugar, just to annoy him, yeah?

0:26:550:26:58

And if you had to make him a cup of tea, you might go, "Sugar, Sugar?"

0:26:580:27:02

And if you had to make him a cup of hot lemon, you might go,

0:27:020:27:04

"Sugar? Hmm. Honey, honey?"

0:27:040:27:06

And you might not get a job on The Apprentice

0:27:100:27:12

but it'd be worth it just to see the look on his Sid James face.

0:27:120:27:15

And then we've got Michael Gove for education.

0:27:190:27:22

-CROWD:

-Oh...

-There we go. Popular in Harrogate.

0:27:220:27:25

I get that every place in the country, it doesn't matter.

0:27:250:27:27

This is the man... What's his big policy?

0:27:270:27:30

How is he going to change our kids' education?

0:27:300:27:32

Rote learning, that's what he thinks.

0:27:320:27:34

Yeah, he thinks learning by lists, that is the way to do it.

0:27:340:27:36

You're thinking, "That is just not an interesting way to learn, is it?"

0:27:360:27:40

You know, I happen to know...

0:27:400:27:42

I happen to know William I, William II, right,

0:27:420:27:44

Henry I, then we got Stephen, then Henry II, then Richard Jon,

0:27:440:27:47

Henry III, Edward I, II, III, we got Richard II, haven't we?

0:27:470:27:51

Henry IV, V, VI, Edward IV, Edward V, Richard III,

0:27:510:27:54

then we've got Henry VII, Henry VIII, haven't we?

0:27:540:27:56

Edward VI, then we got Mary,

0:27:560:27:58

then we got Elizabeth, James I, Charles I, Charles II, James II,

0:27:580:28:02

William and Mary, Anne, four Georges then, haven't we?

0:28:020:28:05

William IV, Victoria, Edward VII, then we got George V, Edward VIII,

0:28:050:28:09

George VI, Elizabeth II and Charles the Unready, right?

0:28:090:28:12

Now, I happen to know that. Oh, no, no, no.

0:28:120:28:14

No.

0:28:140:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:17

It's fucking pointless.

0:28:190:28:20

I'm a Republican, right?

0:28:230:28:25

But...

0:28:280:28:29

I reckon a lot of ardent monarchists would struggle

0:28:290:28:33

to name a lot of those.

0:28:330:28:34

My guess is even Prince Harry would struggle to name a lot of those.

0:28:340:28:39

He probably knows about three, doesn't he?

0:28:390:28:41

Probably Henry V cos he was a bit of a fighter, Henry VIII

0:28:410:28:43

cos he was a big of a shagger and George III

0:28:430:28:45

cos he used to get his kit off for no reason whatsoever.

0:28:450:28:48

But you're thinking, "It's not an interesting way to learn anything."

0:28:510:28:54

Surely more interesting would be

0:28:540:28:55

if you learnt it from princes in the Tower, right?

0:28:550:28:58

If you learned it as Battle of Bosworth, yeah?

0:28:580:29:01

Leicester car park, shagger, syphilis, congenital syphilis,

0:29:010:29:04

Catholic, ginger, Catholic ginger gay, right?

0:29:040:29:08

No head, oak tree, the shit, yeah?

0:29:080:29:12

Fell off a horse, 17 pregnancies, German, German, mad German,

0:29:120:29:16

mad German shagger,

0:29:160:29:18

pineapple head, yeah?

0:29:180:29:19

Not amused, Lillie Langtree, euthanasia, abdication, lisp,

0:29:190:29:23

husband a racist.

0:29:230:29:25

If you learnt it like that, you know...

0:29:250:29:27

APPLAUSE

0:29:270:29:29

Oh, yeah.

0:29:300:29:32

And of course, the government, they're always going,

0:29:350:29:37

"Well, there's this left-wing media bias," and you're thinking,

0:29:370:29:40

"Well, there's loads of right-wing comics.

0:29:400:29:43

"Just so happens most of them

0:29:430:29:44

"seem to be investigated by Operation Yewtree."

0:29:440:29:46

And the thing is that right wing or left wing,

0:29:510:29:53

politicians have realised they're not connecting,

0:29:530:29:55

so they're trying to find other ways of connecting with us.

0:29:550:29:58

So they're trying to tell us little stories about themselves

0:29:580:30:01

to lure us in. We found out recently that Ed Balls,

0:30:010:30:03

he likes to watch Antiques Roadshow, which he says makes him cry.

0:30:030:30:08

Then we found out Ed Miliband,

0:30:090:30:11

apparently he used to be able to do the Rubik's Cube one handed

0:30:110:30:14

in one minute 23 seconds aged 14.

0:30:140:30:17

When I heard that, all I could think of,

0:30:170:30:19

"What the hell was the other hand doing?"

0:30:190:30:21

Then we had Nadine Dorries, didn't we?

0:30:230:30:25

She wanted to go on I'm A Celebrity

0:30:250:30:27

because she didn't want to popularise herself,

0:30:270:30:29

she wanted to popularise politics.

0:30:290:30:31

Of course, she got no politics in the edit because people

0:30:310:30:34

don't watch I'm A Celebrity for politics, do they?

0:30:340:30:36

You don't get people going, "Oh, I'm very interested to find out

0:30:360:30:39

"what Eric Bristow thinks about quantitative easing,

0:30:390:30:42

"but I'm just going to watch him eat a kangaroo penis for a while."

0:30:420:30:46

George Galloway made the same mistake, didn't he?

0:30:460:30:48

He went on Celebrity Big Brother, hoping to talk politics.

0:30:480:30:52

He ended up in a pink leotard doing an impression of a cat.

0:30:520:30:56

And this is the man who came out in support

0:30:570:31:00

of Wikipedia's Julian Assange, saying he said he didn't think

0:31:000:31:04

having sex with somebody when they're asleep...he said that's not rape.

0:31:040:31:07

He said that is merely bad sexual etiquette.

0:31:070:31:10

This is the MP for Respect, right?

0:31:110:31:14

Presumably, he doesn't think having sex with a dead person,

0:31:140:31:17

is necrophilia.

0:31:170:31:18

That's just poor funeral manners as well.

0:31:180:31:21

I was excited to see what Harrogate made of that, ladies and gentlemen!

0:31:240:31:28

You're thinking, aren't you?

0:31:300:31:31

People look at politicians like this and go,

0:31:310:31:34

"Oh, well! They're just fame-obsessed, aren't they?

0:31:340:31:36

"Self-orientated, attention-seeking idiots."

0:31:360:31:39

But you think, actually the public expect politicians now

0:31:390:31:42

to have a certain amount of showbusiness about them.

0:31:420:31:45

People like a bit of showbusiness.

0:31:450:31:47

People expect comedy shows to have a big showbiz ending

0:31:470:31:50

and to have a big ending you really need music, don't you?

0:31:500:31:53

Now, I can't sing, can't dance, can't play a musical instrument.

0:31:530:31:56

As we've already established, the only thing I'm really good at

0:31:560:32:00

is sat at the end of my garden doing fuck all.

0:32:000:32:03

But I figured me coming out with a garden chair having a bit of a snooze

0:32:030:32:07

was probably not the finale we were all looking for.

0:32:070:32:11

So, I thought I'd get myself down to one of those recording studios

0:32:110:32:14

with Autotune, I will do a version of My Way, right?

0:32:140:32:17

The bloke who ran the recording studio said,

0:32:170:32:19

"I think, Andy, I need to explain to you how Autotune works."

0:32:190:32:23

He said, "If you're half a note either side, it averages out,

0:32:230:32:26

"it sounds fantastic."

0:32:260:32:27

He said, "You're not a note either side."

0:32:270:32:30

He said, "You're in a different octave.

0:32:300:32:33

"How about instead of doing a cover version of Frank Sinatra,

0:32:330:32:36

"doing a cover version of Milli Vanilli

0:32:360:32:38

"and getting somebody else to do it for you?"

0:32:380:32:41

So, I thought to myself,

0:32:440:32:45

"Alternatively, why don't we get loads of indoor fireworks?" Yeah?

0:32:450:32:48

"We'll have them against the backdrop. It'll look brilliant."

0:32:480:32:52

I checked it out.

0:32:520:32:53

They said, "Not only is a health and safety issue," they said,

0:32:530:32:56

"it's also an insurance issue,

0:32:560:32:58

"but you can use party poppers if you want."

0:32:580:33:02

I said, "You don't get that on The X Factor, do you?"

0:33:020:33:05

You don't get some singer coming out to sing their song and next

0:33:050:33:08

to them some bloke in a hi-vis jacket going pop, pop, pop, pop.

0:33:080:33:14

People like a bit of showbusiness.

0:33:180:33:21

I myself, I'm hoping to do a bit of acting.

0:33:210:33:24

Either that or EastEnders.

0:33:240:33:25

One of the two.

0:33:270:33:28

I like to think I've shown my emotional range already tonight,

0:33:280:33:31

ladies and gentlemen.

0:33:310:33:32

Anger...

0:33:320:33:34

HE GRUNTS

0:33:340:33:35

Tenderness.

0:33:350:33:36

Sadness.

0:33:370:33:39

That's all you need for EastEnders, isn't it?

0:33:410:33:44

"Oi! I love you. Come back.

0:33:440:33:46

"Come back."

0:33:460:33:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:490:33:51

CHEERING

0:33:510:33:54

I think I could easily be a long-lost Mitchell brother.

0:33:540:33:58

Obviously, I'd need some sort of, you know, audition monologue,

0:34:020:34:06

wouldn't I?

0:34:060:34:07

They tend to use those Shakespearian monologues, don't they?

0:34:070:34:10

Maybe what I could do, maybe I could like Henry V, right?

0:34:100:34:13

But in the style of EastEnders.

0:34:140:34:17

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,

0:34:190:34:21

"Or close the wall up with our English dead,

0:34:210:34:25

"Because even if they are dead,

0:34:250:34:27

"They can always come back at some later stage as a different actor.

0:34:270:34:30

"In peace nothing does so become a man as modest stillness

0:34:320:34:36

"and humility.

0:34:360:34:37

"But if somebody looks at you a bit funny,

0:34:370:34:40

"Burn the place down and claim it back on the insurance."

0:34:400:34:44

"Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood,

0:34:460:34:49

"And try and shake off the fact

0:34:490:34:50

"you went to Webber Douglas Acting School by going,

0:34:500:34:53

"'DO YOU WANT SOME? DO YOU BLOODY WANT SOME?'

0:34:530:34:58

"Lend the eye a terrible aspect and bear the chest,

0:34:580:35:02

"Like dear mum, Peggy, did in Carry on Camping."

0:35:020:35:07

"Grit the teeth and flare the nostril wide,

0:35:080:35:12

"Like you've just ruined your septum doing lines of coke with sister Sam.

0:35:120:35:18

"On, on, you noblest Mitchells.

0:35:180:35:21

"Dishonour not your mothers and prove that those men

0:35:210:35:23

"That you do claim to be your fathers did truly conceive you

0:35:230:35:27

"By getting on the Jeremy Kyle and having a paternity test."

0:35:270:35:31

"Be a copy to your fellow brethren and show them

0:35:320:35:35

"How to fight the Mitchell way,

0:35:350:35:36

"'What you looking at? Get out my pub, you muppet.'

0:35:360:35:41

"Aye, I see you standing there like greyhounds in the slips,

0:35:410:35:47

"Straining for the start.

0:35:470:35:50

"Well, the game's afoot.

0:35:500:35:51

"Cry God, for Walford, Queen Vic and the family."

0:35:510:35:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:35:580:36:04

People love a bit of showbusiness, don't they? But not just that.

0:36:110:36:14

They also like the trappings of showbusiness.

0:36:140:36:16

Simon Cowell did an interview where he said

0:36:160:36:18

he no longer uses ordinary toilet paper,

0:36:180:36:20

but he buys designer toilet paper which is black and costs £10 a roll,

0:36:200:36:24

there apparently now has been a run on designer toilet paper in Britain

0:36:240:36:28

which is black and costs £10 a roll.

0:36:280:36:31

And you're thinking, not only is that a complete waste of money,

0:36:310:36:35

but how can you tell if your arse is clean?

0:36:350:36:38

And if that wasn't enough...

0:36:440:36:46

AUDIENCE STILL LAUGHING

0:36:460:36:47

..Travelodges came out

0:36:470:36:49

and they said last year 20,000 books were left in Travelodges

0:36:490:36:53

across Britain, 7,000 of which were the same book -

0:36:530:36:58

50 Shades of Grey.

0:36:580:36:59

I'm guessing there's probably a few guilty faces in tonight's audience.

0:37:000:37:05

Probably mainly the ladies...

0:37:050:37:07

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Yes, there we go!

0:37:070:37:09

One lady going, "Yes, it's me and I'm proud of it. All 7,000!"

0:37:090:37:14

But you're thinking, of course it's going to be mainly

0:37:160:37:18

the ladies because it's not an erotic book for blokes, is it, eh?

0:37:180:37:21

No pictures, you know?

0:37:210:37:23

APPLAUSE

0:37:260:37:29

But I myself, I myself have read it, you know?

0:37:290:37:32

I picked up a copy in a Travelodge!

0:37:320:37:34

No, I had to do it for the Cheltenham Literary Festival,

0:37:350:37:38

and the story is this: 22-year-old very good looking, right, student.

0:37:380:37:41

Yeah? She's a virgin.

0:37:410:37:44

She comes across a very good looking 27-year-old tech billionaire

0:37:440:37:47

who happens to be into BDSM,

0:37:470:37:49

and that is BDSM, not BSM,

0:37:490:37:51

as I read on one website, right?

0:37:510:37:54

There's a big difference between bondage discipline and sadomasochism

0:37:540:37:58

and the British School of Motoring.

0:37:580:38:00

You phone up BSM,

0:38:020:38:04

they come round and you're wearing your nipple clamps...

0:38:040:38:07

..you may not get that driving lesson.

0:38:080:38:10

But the whole thing...

0:38:130:38:15

the whole thing seems somewhat unrealistic to me, right?

0:38:150:38:18

Yeah. This woman's had no sexual contact whatsoever.

0:38:180:38:22

In their first contact, right, she orgasms. What does he do, right?

0:38:220:38:27

He tweaks her nipple, right? That's it, yeah?

0:38:270:38:30

Now, supposedly one in three women, right, struggle to orgasm at all.

0:38:300:38:34

Most need at least 20 minutes' sexual activity.

0:38:340:38:37

Virtually all need some form of clitoral stimulation, yeah?

0:38:370:38:40

But tech boy billionaire, he just thinks,

0:38:400:38:42

"Oh, I'll just have a little go,

0:38:420:38:44

"Just have a little tweak of the nipple.

0:38:440:38:46

"Ooh, that's worked! That is a bonus! Yeah.

0:38:460:38:48

"This one's a keeper," right?

0:38:480:38:51

I was there thinking...

0:38:520:38:54

Do you know what my favourite line in the entire book is?

0:38:540:38:57

It goes, "He took off his socks individually."

0:38:570:39:02

How else was he going to take his socks off?

0:39:070:39:09

Oh, he took his socks off simultaneously,

0:39:110:39:13

fell on his arse, made a bit of a twat of himself.

0:39:130:39:17

But we like, don't we, we like to judge how moral everybody

0:39:250:39:29

else is, but how often do we think how moral actually are we?

0:39:290:39:34

As an example, right, I recently was involved in a car accident.

0:39:340:39:38

Well, I say I was involved in a car accident,

0:39:380:39:40

my car was involved in an accident.

0:39:400:39:43

I was, in fact, in bed at the time.

0:39:430:39:46

My car was parked outside my house, right?

0:39:470:39:49

Four o'clock in the morning, right, taxi driver going down my road,

0:39:490:39:53

a straight road, right, no other vehicles involved,

0:39:530:39:55

wrote off my car and tried to drive away and would have done so

0:39:550:40:00

if my next door neighbour hadn't collared him.

0:40:000:40:02

Next door neighbour knocks on my door, says,

0:40:020:40:04

"You want to come out, some bloke's just smashed up your car."

0:40:040:40:07

So I come out in my dressing gown going, "What's going on?"

0:40:070:40:09

Taxi driver goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was tired."

0:40:090:40:13

I said, "Well, I was tired..."

0:40:130:40:17

At which point, right, this young copper turns up

0:40:200:40:24

and he goes to me, he says, "Whose fault do you think it was?"

0:40:240:40:27

I said, "I've been known to snore,

0:40:290:40:30

"but not so loudly somebody's had a crash in the street outside."

0:40:300:40:35

And you can imagine, this was particularly traumatic for me,

0:40:350:40:38

wasn't it, you know?

0:40:380:40:39

There I am in my dressing gown, looking at this traffic

0:40:390:40:42

accident and all I can think of is sharks and Eric Pickles...

0:40:420:40:45

..and I don't want you to think, right, that I had parked badly.

0:40:490:40:53

I had parked neatly up against the kerb, because you can now get

0:40:530:40:56

fined if you park more than 50 centimetres away from the kerb.

0:40:560:41:00

Now, I personally don't mind that,

0:41:000:41:02

because 50 centimetres is almost two feet.

0:41:020:41:04

If you can't park within two feet of the kerb, you've not parked,

0:41:040:41:08

have you?

0:41:080:41:10

You have stopped in traffic and fucked off.

0:41:100:41:12

But this wasn't the only occasion I had to come across some

0:41:200:41:23

police officers recently, right?

0:41:230:41:25

I also came across five who were chasing after a young lad

0:41:250:41:28

for fully five minutes and I was watching them

0:41:280:41:31

and I was stood still, and you're thinking, "How is that possible?"

0:41:310:41:34

Well, they were chasing after this young lad who was

0:41:340:41:36

so pissed, that he was running round in a really big circle.

0:41:360:41:40

Yet not one of the police officers had the foresight to think,

0:41:400:41:44

"Well, if I stand here, I'll be able to get him

0:41:440:41:46

"next time he comes around."

0:41:460:41:48

They only managed to apprehend him because he was laughing so hard,

0:41:490:41:54

that he collapsed to the floor,

0:41:540:41:56

at which point the lead copper still rugby tackled him, right,

0:41:560:41:59

but was in such poor shape he put his back out, right?

0:41:590:42:03

So he had to let go, at which point the young lad stood up

0:42:030:42:05

and started doing it all over again.

0:42:050:42:07

And, of course, the police,

0:42:130:42:14

they are supposed to be looking after the politicians, aren't they?

0:42:140:42:18

But, you know, sometimes you wonder how good a job they do.

0:42:180:42:20

Nick Clegg, you may have seen,

0:42:200:42:22

has had dog shit shoved through his letter box.

0:42:220:42:24

I'm guessing he wasn't best pleased that the policeman guarding

0:42:240:42:27

the front of his house didn't do a better job preventing it

0:42:270:42:30

cos, you know, you can imagine, can't you, you know,

0:42:300:42:32

a young lad walking up the garden path, right?

0:42:320:42:35

And the copper's there going, "What you doing?"

0:42:350:42:38

"Oh, well, I was just going to shove a dog shit through his letter box."

0:42:380:42:42

"All right, go ahead, yeah, lovely."

0:42:450:42:47

Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there?

0:42:500:42:53

Ed Miliband, he always gets called Wallace from Wallace and Gromit

0:42:530:42:56

and he says, "Yes, well, you know, if you were going to

0:42:560:42:59

"design a politician, I know it wouldn't look like me."

0:42:590:43:02

and you're thinking, "Well, he's probably right, isn't he?"

0:43:020:43:04

He's not helped by that little white patch of hair that he has just here.

0:43:040:43:07

Makes him look like half man, half badger.

0:43:070:43:10

And he says what it is, he's actually prematurely ageing,

0:43:100:43:13

but just in one tiny little bit of his head

0:43:130:43:15

and you're thinking, that's a bit weird, isn't it?

0:43:150:43:17

It's a bit like those people you see who've had botox on their face

0:43:170:43:20

and then you look at their neck

0:43:200:43:22

and it looks like a lizard's ball sack, doesn't it?

0:43:220:43:24

Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there?

0:43:290:43:31

Especially online.

0:43:310:43:32

You feel quite sorry for the kids, don't you,

0:43:320:43:34

those ones who go to school, get bullied at school, yeah,

0:43:340:43:37

come home, turn on the computer, get bullied at home.

0:43:370:43:39

Oh, it's all changed since the days of Gary Partridge, hasn't it?

0:43:390:43:43

Well, I'm guessing most of you don't know who Gary Partridge is.

0:43:440:43:48

He's a bloke I was at school with.

0:43:480:43:50

I might have forgotten who Gary Partridge was

0:43:570:44:00

if it wasn't for one fact, right?

0:44:000:44:02

And that was the fact, right, that one lunchtime,

0:44:020:44:04

Gary came out a bit too sheepish out the school toilets, right,

0:44:040:44:07

having flushed a little too often, so a search party

0:44:070:44:09

is organised and it's turned out Gary has done a monster poo, right?

0:44:090:44:14

Oh, it was a big one, right?

0:44:140:44:15

It was like the opposite of an iceberg, yeah?

0:44:150:44:17

90% of it was out of the water, OK?

0:44:170:44:19

Oh, yeah.

0:44:190:44:21

Oh, and you know they say that childbirth is like pooing a melon?

0:44:210:44:24

Well, in which case Gary Partridge had given birth to a pumpkin,

0:44:240:44:27

let me tell you that.

0:44:270:44:29

And the thing was Gary Partridge only had a very small arse, right?

0:44:290:44:33

So there was a big debate as to how big his arsehole

0:44:330:44:35

was in comparison to the rest of his arse

0:44:350:44:37

and whether his buttocks were liable to be sucked into an anal void.

0:44:370:44:41

But this would probably have just been one break time's

0:44:410:44:44

entertainment, if it wasn't for one other fact,

0:44:440:44:46

and that was the school photography competition was on at the same time.

0:44:460:44:50

A state school had spent some of its very limited cash on a brand-new

0:44:530:44:56

Polaroid camera and the idea was you had to borrow that camera,

0:44:560:44:59

you had to go round school and you had to take

0:44:590:45:01

a photo of something you thought was amazing, eh?

0:45:010:45:04

You then had to stick it on the school notice board, right,

0:45:070:45:10

with a name and what it was.

0:45:100:45:14

So the poo is stuck on the notice board,

0:45:140:45:16

Gary Partridge, what I did in my lunch break, right?

0:45:160:45:19

And there is a song at the charts at the time by Robert Plant

0:45:220:45:25

called Big Log, OK?

0:45:250:45:27

So, whenever Gary comes into a classroom, right,

0:45:270:45:30

everybody starts singing Big Log and he's no longer called Gary,

0:45:300:45:33

he's called The Stig, because he's the Stig of the Dump, right?

0:45:330:45:38

And so you can imagine, teacher walking along the corridor,

0:45:380:45:42

has a look at the photographs, sees the poo, it gets taken down, Gary

0:45:420:45:46

is disqualified from the photography competition, so then half

0:45:460:45:50

the school go round with a little badge on, Justice for Gary, right?

0:45:500:45:54

And this is 28 years ago or whatever, right?

0:45:580:46:01

You're thinking, "How would that story have spread now with

0:46:010:46:03

"Facebook, with Twitter, with YouTube?"

0:46:030:46:06

As it was, we had a reunion recently.

0:46:060:46:08

Gary walks into the pub. The whole pub goes, "Stig!"

0:46:080:46:11

And then when he went to the loo,

0:46:120:46:14

somebody followed him in with an iPhone.

0:46:140:46:16

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm immune to abuse, you know?

0:46:240:46:28

I was recently described as a cross between Ming the Merciless

0:46:280:46:31

and Robbie the seal from Pingu.

0:46:310:46:33

And I thought I had a goatee beard, but according to one young girl,

0:46:360:46:40

it looks like I have an arrow going up my nose.

0:46:400:46:43

But you're thinking, with all the abuse out there, right,

0:46:500:46:52

the more abuse there is heaped on politicians,

0:46:520:46:55

the more of a laughing stock they become, right?

0:46:550:46:57

The less trusted and respected they are as a profession,

0:46:570:47:01

the more it seems that comedians think they can become politicians.

0:47:010:47:06

You may have seen an ex-Spitting Image writer,

0:47:060:47:09

stood for Labour at the Eastleigh by-election.

0:47:090:47:11

There are now elected comedians in Iceland, in Italy, in America.

0:47:110:47:14

Even Eddie Izzard has said he's going to stand to be

0:47:140:47:17

the 2020 London Mayor.

0:47:170:47:20

He's obviously seen Boris Johnson, he's thought,

0:47:200:47:22

"Fuck it, I must have a chance."

0:47:220:47:24

People have even suggested that I might want to

0:47:240:47:27

stand for political office, saying such things as,

0:47:270:47:30

"Well, you can't be worse than the current crop."

0:47:300:47:33

Believe you and me, I can.

0:47:330:47:35

Where is the Secretary of State for Health?

0:47:350:47:37

Well, he's writing his conference speech,

0:47:370:47:40

How To Avoid Rigor Mortis With Your Cum Face On.

0:47:400:47:42

I get easily frustrated, I enjoy relaxing a little too much

0:47:450:47:50

and I shout, "Twat!" at myself in public.

0:47:500:47:52

But then you think, well, Boris Johnson,

0:47:520:47:54

he's had countless affairs, he described 250 grand a year

0:47:540:47:58

as chicken feed and he tried to take all the credit for the Olympics,

0:47:580:48:01

although all I can remember him actually doing during the

0:48:010:48:04

Olympics, was going down a zip wire and getting stuck halfway down it.

0:48:040:48:08

We had invited the best runners in the world to our country,

0:48:080:48:12

but he couldn't even get from A to B by falling.

0:48:120:48:15

And the Royal Statistical Society, they've come out recently

0:48:170:48:21

and they've said, they reckon the British public are wrong

0:48:210:48:24

about virtually everything.

0:48:240:48:26

They reckon the British public think there's far more crime

0:48:260:48:29

than there is, far more immigration than there in fact is,

0:48:290:48:31

far more benefit fraud than there, in fact, is.

0:48:310:48:34

You're thinking, if you get comedians as politicians or politicians

0:48:340:48:38

that look like comedians, the danger is, right, that they're more

0:48:380:48:42

likely to concentrate on lowest common denominator

0:48:420:48:46

and populism and not actually do the hard things that need to be done.

0:48:460:48:51

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

0:48:510:48:53

Winston Churchill, of course, our greatest ever politicians.

0:48:530:48:57

Now, he used to have a whole bottle of champagne at lunchtime,

0:48:570:49:00

a whole bottle of champagne in the evening,

0:49:000:49:03

followed by three or four scotches, two brandies and a highball.

0:49:030:49:07

I'm surprised after that he didn't say, "We will fight them on the

0:49:070:49:10

"beaches, we'll fight them in the pubs, outside the pubs, at the taxi

0:49:100:49:14

"ranks, in the kebab shop, in the all night garage waiting for some fags."

0:49:140:49:19

So, what I say to you is how come we've got to the stage where

0:49:190:49:23

every time there's a budget, the price of alcohol goes up?

0:49:230:49:27

I say, for the first time ever, let us

0:49:270:49:29

reduce in the next budget the price of alcohol.

0:49:290:49:32

Yeah. I'm not talking ten pence off the price of beer.

0:49:320:49:34

I'm not talking 20 pence off the price of beer.

0:49:340:49:37

I say to you, free beer available on the NHS with free pizza,

0:49:370:49:42

because as we all know,

0:49:440:49:45

-it helps prevent cancer. AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:49:450:49:50

But I don't want you to think that I've forgotten

0:49:520:49:54

the health of this nation.

0:49:540:49:56

I say we make sure that supermarkets,

0:49:560:49:58

they have to make those trolleys harder to push to give us

0:49:580:50:01

a good cardiovascular workout and we make sure the biscuit aisle

0:50:010:50:05

is only a foot wide, so fat people can't get down it.

0:50:050:50:07

And let's double the defence budget, right?

0:50:130:50:15

We've recently just spent £8 billion, right,

0:50:150:50:19

on two aircraft carriers which apparently will not be able

0:50:190:50:21

to carry any aircraft for the next seven years,

0:50:210:50:24

so one has been mothballed and, for the next seven years, right,

0:50:240:50:27

the other one, as it goes up and down the seas, probably

0:50:270:50:29

the most dangerous thing it may have on it is a seagull, right, eh?

0:50:290:50:34

Oh, yeah, we won't be able to attack anybody, but if anybody comes

0:50:340:50:37

within 100 yards with a bag of chips, oh, they're in trouble.

0:50:370:50:40

And let's not forget kiddie-fiddlers, ladies and gentlemen.

0:50:430:50:47

I say to you, we round up all the kiddie-fiddlers, right?

0:50:470:50:50

We put them in the same town, just them, right?

0:50:500:50:52

And we make them all wear school uniform, so as

0:50:520:50:55

when they wander around, they're a constant danger to each other.

0:50:550:50:59

And I say...

0:51:010:51:03

Let's bring back capital punishment, right, for Fred Goodwin,

0:51:030:51:07

for the bloke from the Go Compare adverts, for Jimmy Savile,

0:51:070:51:11

I don't care if he's dead, I say dig him up, hang him,

0:51:110:51:14

bloody bury him again and let's not forget George Osborne, right?

0:51:140:51:19

This is the man who was part of the Bullingdon Club, yeah?

0:51:190:51:21

And apparently, when he was part of the Bullingdon Club,

0:51:210:51:24

they used to drop him repeatedly on his head,

0:51:240:51:26

holding him by his ankles, going, "Who are you?"

0:51:260:51:28

And they would keep doing it until he said,

0:51:280:51:31

-"I am a despicable

-BLEEP."

0:51:310:51:33

Now...if they can do it, why can't we?

0:51:330:51:35

I say we re-enact it every Wednesday on Westminster Green

0:51:350:51:39

until this economy improves.

0:51:390:51:41

But, I realise, I need a good ending to this speech, because this

0:51:420:51:46

is the only thing that is liable to make it onto the news and you

0:51:460:51:49

will know when I have reached the end of my speech, because

0:51:490:51:51

I will gesticulate wildly and then do a silly wave and I will gradually

0:51:510:51:55

get there by building up, by pumping my fist a bit, by using short

0:51:550:51:58

sentences and gradually raising my voice as I get towards the end of

0:51:580:52:01

the line.

0:52:010:52:02

And it's at that point, I throw in my final feel good policy.

0:52:020:52:06

I say we make sure BBC One at 10pm, instead of having the news,

0:52:060:52:11

they have ten minutes of free porn.

0:52:110:52:13

You have a look at the 2010 UKIP manifesto, right?

0:52:240:52:29

It's not a million miles away from that.

0:52:290:52:31

I suspect we do not want comedians as politicians.

0:52:330:52:36

That way, you suspect, can only lead to Greece, a country, right,

0:52:360:52:41

which was described by the European Central Bank,

0:52:410:52:43

they said, "It's a bit like the Ebola virus," they said,

0:52:430:52:46

"We may have to cut off our leg to survive."

0:52:460:52:49

Now, I'm not convinced they know much about finance.

0:52:490:52:52

They certainly know nothing about the Ebola virus.

0:52:520:52:54

That affects your entire body, right?

0:52:540:52:56

You cut off your leg, you've still got the Ebola virus,

0:52:560:52:59

you've just got one less leg.

0:52:590:53:01

But virtually every country you look at in the world, the gap

0:53:020:53:06

between the haves and the have-nots is increasing, right?

0:53:060:53:08

And you think, "That can't be right,"

0:53:080:53:10

but you're thinking if we all went out on a regular basis

0:53:100:53:13

and demonstrated, yeah, things can change.

0:53:130:53:15

But I also know, I am a big fan of a nice warm room, yeah, a comfy

0:53:150:53:19

armchair, bit of a natter, which is why my favourite form of protest

0:53:190:53:23

is the sit-in, cos it's trying to change the world by doing fuck all.

0:53:230:53:28

Cos let's face it, even if you retreat to your shed, right,

0:53:290:53:33

politics will always intrude.

0:53:330:53:34

The height you can have that shed, what you can see from that shed,

0:53:340:53:38

who's fracking underneath your shed.

0:53:380:53:40

At some stage, we need to go out and go the extra mile.

0:53:400:53:44

MUSIC PLAYS

0:53:440:53:48

# For what is a man? What has he got?

0:53:490:53:55

# If not himself then he has nought

0:53:560:54:02

# To say the things he truly feels

0:54:020:54:09

# And not the words of one who kneels

0:54:090:54:15

# The record shows I took the blows

0:54:150:54:22

# And did it my way!

0:54:220:54:27

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:54:300:54:38

# Yes, I did it my way! #

0:54:510:54:53

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:55:030:55:07

Thank you very much.

0:55:220:55:24

I wanted to stop you before you'd used all of your clapping up.

0:55:250:55:28

I will be going when I get my breath back.

0:55:300:55:32

And I didn't want to go off to nothing, you know?

0:55:370:55:41

You know, cos I...

0:55:410:55:43

I know, no, I know what some British audiences are like.

0:55:450:55:48

They go, "Oh, I've clapped once. Fuck him."

0:55:480:55:51

So I hope, ladies and gentlemen, we see each other again at some point.

0:55:580:56:04

And yeah, no, I mean, if you're into getting in touch,

0:56:040:56:06

that would be lovely, you know, a bit of Facebook or

0:56:060:56:09

a bit of Twitter or a bit of MySpace, if you're trapped in 2007.

0:56:090:56:14

And if you are online, ladies and gentlemen, you know,

0:56:160:56:19

there's a new campaign... AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES

0:56:190:56:21

..called My Theatre Matters and, you know,

0:56:210:56:24

obviously it would be interesting to see how that edits with

0:56:240:56:27

somebody sneezing in the middle of My Theatre Matters.

0:56:270:56:30

LAUGHTER

0:56:300:56:34

People going, "I didn't even see his lips move,

0:56:370:56:40

"that was bloody brilliant, that was."

0:56:400:56:42

I'd love to, wish I could see the person in front of him...

0:56:440:56:47

if there was, indeed, anybody going, "What the fuck?"

0:56:470:56:50

But, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen,

0:56:540:56:56

obviously having been to the theatre tonight, you now know that

0:56:560:57:00

you can crack one off quite happily in a Harrogate corridor.

0:57:000:57:04

Nobody will give too much of a monkeys.

0:57:040:57:08

And if nothing else, you now know that when you see Simon Cowell

0:57:090:57:12

being nasty on the telly, you can console yourself with the fact

0:57:120:57:15

that he's probably got a dirty arse.

0:57:150:57:17

But it's nice, isn't it?

0:57:240:57:25

It's nice, it's nice doing nothing, isn't it? It's lovely.

0:57:250:57:30

But it's not really as good, maybe,

0:57:300:57:32

as doing something that you're actually proud of, is it, you know?

0:57:320:57:35

Maybe something like this.

0:57:350:57:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:57:410:57:44

Practise at home, ladies and gentlemen,

0:57:480:57:51

impress your partner and if that doesn't work, tweak the nipple.

0:57:510:57:54

Thank you very much. Good night.

0:57:560:57:58

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:57:580:58:00

Thank you.

0:58:050:58:06

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS