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This programme contains strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
OK, so I'm just going to pull this strip gently. Are you ready? | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
Yeah, OK. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
OK, so I'm just going to pop a little bit of this on your head. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
One last thing now. Close your eyes. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
Ooh. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:51 | |
Be funny, OK? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Yeah. Thanks. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:55 | |
Ooh! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
The lights are fading. You're thinking, | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
"The show's starting. I should have gone for a piss." | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Well, it's too late. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:13 | |
The show has already started, so without further to-do, | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
would you please welcome to the stage a man who you may have seen | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
at the British Comedy Awards 2012, | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
winning sod all. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
A man who has been in two films, | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
neither of which have ever been released | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
and a man, although he's the only person | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
playing the Harrogate Theatre this evening, | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
got given dressing room two. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Yes, please welcome a man who's too tight to employ a support act, | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
a man who, himself, should probably have gone for a piss | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
before the show started. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Here he is, a man who has to do his own offstage announcements. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Andy Parsons. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Oh, yes, very exciting. Very, very exciting, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
Here, at Harrogate Theatre. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
CHEERING | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Yes, seven people are as excited as I am. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
One of the finest theatres opposite a Marks & Spencer's, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:34 | |
very close to an Argos, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
and a Primark that any man could hope to play. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
And you, the good people of Harrogate, | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
apparently you drink to more hazardous levels | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
and watch more porn than anywhere else in the UK. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:53 | |
And you like to clap yourselves. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
So we thought, given those two facts, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
we thought it would be a perfect place to film the DVD. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
Yes. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Obviously, you may come across, during tonight's performance, | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
the resident ghost, which is apparently called Alice. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:19 | |
Often manifests herself as a smell in the corridor. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
So if you do have a little bit of wind, save it till the interval, | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
you should be in the clear. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
But relax. Relax, I'm not expecting too much. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
I realise we live in difficult economic times. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
Obviously, people still blaming the banks, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
and for very, very good reason. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
But let's face it, even before the banking crisis, | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
we didn't really like banks that much | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
cos we don't tend to have very positive relationships | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
with our banks. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
As an example, I was recently trying to pay a tax bill online. | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
Yeah, cos some comedians do pay their taxes. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Let me tell you, | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
that would have got nothing in Greece, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
So I was trying to pay this tax bill, right? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
And there was a problem, so it said I needed to phone up my bank. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
So I phone up my bank, | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
and it's one of those automated systems | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
where you have to put in a couple of digits of your pass code, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
so I put in two digits of my pass code, | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
hoping to get through to the advisor, but oh, no, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
it's options, then further options, | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
then more options and finally I get through to an advisor | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
and the first thing she says is, | 0:04:34 | 0:04:35 | |
"Please could you put in two digits of your pass code?" | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
So now when I phone up the bank and it asks me initially | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
to put in two digits of my pass code, I get them wrong | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
because, get this, then you get straight through to an advisor. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
Ah! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:50 | |
So this advisor, she says to me, "Ah, Mr Parsons," | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
she says, "I can see exactly what the problem is," she says. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
"You are trying to pay by debit card. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
"Mr Parsons, I need to tell you, when you pay by debit card, | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
"we have limits in place to prevent fraud," | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
and I said, "Well, you know it's not fraud, don't you? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
"Cos we've obviously spent the last five minutes verifying | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
"I am who I say I am and, what is more, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
"you obviously don't think it's fraud, do you? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
"Cos you keep referring to me as Mr Parsons." | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
"And, what is more, in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
"to defraud anybody else by paying their fricking tax bill for them?" | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
She said, "Mr Parsons, if you insist on paying by debit card, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
"it should be fine. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
"You will just need to pay in a series of instalments." | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
So I said, "So, you're quite happy to be defrauded, | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
"just over a number of days." | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
She said, "I'm not authorised to answer that. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
"I can merely repeat we have limits in place to prevent fraud." | 0:05:48 | 0:05:52 | |
I said, "Look, you know it's not fraud, don't you? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
"Not only have I answered all the questions you've got in front of you, | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
"I can throw you some bonus questions as well. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
"Not only do I know my mother's maiden name, | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
"I know my grandmother's maiden name and all my fricking cousins as well." | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
"Well," she said, "Mr Parsons, I should warn you, | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
"we record these telephone conversations for training purposes." | 0:06:10 | 0:06:15 | |
I said, "Well, I don't think they'll be using this one." | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
"No, cos if they do, they'll learn sod all." | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Well, at this point she said, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:25 | |
"I think I may have to get my supervisor to give you a call back." | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
So, lo and behold, five minutes later | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
I get a call back from the supervisor. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
"Hello, is that Mr Parsons?" "Yes, it is Mr Parsons." | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
"Hello, it's the bank supervisor here. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
"I just need to ask you a couple of security questions." | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
I said, "But you phoned me up. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
"Surely I'm the one who should be asking the questions. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
"Surely you've got some quite good security answers about me already, | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
"given that you've phoned my home phone number | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
"and I am specifically waiting for your call. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
"Of course, there's a very good chance I am, in fact, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
"a burglar who's just picked up the phone on the off chance | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
"that there might be a bank on the other end of the line | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
"being a bit loose with some account details." | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
He said, "Mr Parsons, what I'm going to do," | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
he said, "is I'm going to put you through to our fraud team. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
"They will clear your card, put you back to me, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
"and we'll be able to proceed." | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
I said, "But how will I know it's the fraud team?" | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
"Why don't you put yourself through to the fraud team, | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
"you clear my debit card, get back to me? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
"I've still got some burgling to do." | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
He said, "Mr Parsons, before I put you through, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
"is there anything else I can help you with?" | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
I said, "Given your record so far, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
"that seems unlikely but please keep talking. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
"I think I might be able to get a routine out of this." | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
To which he replied, "I think I recognise your voice, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:09 | |
"are you that comedian bloke?" | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
To which I said, "I'm terribly sorry, | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
"I'm not authorised to answer that." | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:18 | |
You know, let's face it, people get frustrated with me. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
I'm accident prone. Yeah. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
I recently almost got run over by a bus, | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
which was definitely careless cos I was actually on a bus at the time. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
It was one of those Routemaster buses, you know, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
you can come off the back, right? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
And he was going really, really slowly | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
past exactly where I wanted to go. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:46 | |
I thought, "This is too good an opportunity to miss." | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Now, with hindsight, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
maybe it wasn't going quite as slowly as I thought it was. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:54 | |
Either that, or just as I was about to jump off, | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
the old bus driver could see me in his rear view mirror and he thought, | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
"Right, I'm going to fuck him up." | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Also with hindsight, right, if I ever jump off a bus again, | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
I will jump off in the direction the bus is travelling | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
and run alongside for a little bit | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
until the momentum of the bus has worn off. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
As it was, I jumped off the back. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
For a split second, I thought I'd been pretty cool | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
and a split second later I was going arse over tit | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
in front of an entire bus queue | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
who thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:27 | |
And you can imagine, you've just cartwheeled on the road, right? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
You've gone bang, you've hurt yourself quite badly, | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
your watch has come off, you're rolling around, right? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
You put your watch back on. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:36 | |
They'll never notice on the DVD. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
And there I was, right, lying in the road and I look up. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
Nothing is more distressing, let me tell you, | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
when you've just cartwheeled on the road, | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
to see an entire bus queue absolutely pissing themselves, | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
and if that wasn't enough, suddenly there was a screech of tyres | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
and I looked round, right, and a car had pulled up, right? | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
It was a taxi and I thought, "He's seen me fall off the bus, | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
"he's going to help me." | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
Oh, no. Typical London. Beep! Beep! | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
I thought, "Oh, my God, what am I going to do?" | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
I thought, "I'm going to have to front this out," right? | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
So, I struggled to my feet, yeah? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
I bowed to the bus queue. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:21 | |
I bowed to the taxi driver and then I went round the corner | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
and had a little cry. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
Yeah. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
Cos I'm one of those people who struggle to complete anything, right? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
I bought myself a guitar. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:39 | |
I learnt to play a chord, it hurt my fingers, I give it up. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
I learnt to ride a unicycle, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
but there's no brakes on a unicycle and I live on a hill. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
I tried fire breathing. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
I inhaled and then burped. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
If I'm absolutely honest, the only reason I got into stand-up comedy | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
was I loved the lifestyle. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:03 | |
You didn't have to do anything during the day, | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
you had to normally do about 20 minutes' work in the evening | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
and they gave you free booze. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
And admittedly, occasionally, you have to deal with an audience, | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
but that's usually great fun. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
My favourite heckle ever, woman shouted out, "Stop talking. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:19 | |
"I'm going to wee myself." | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
Right, I was thinking, right, what other jobs I quite fancy. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
I was thinking I quite fancy wind farmer. Oh, yeah. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
I think out of all the farmer jobs, that's got to be the best, hasn't it? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
You know, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
check the wind's blowing. Yes, it is, brilliant. Back to bed again. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Alternatively, five o'clock in the morning, cock crows, out of bed. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:49 | |
Wind's not blowing. Nothing I can do about it. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
Back to bed again. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
But if I have got things to do, right, | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
if I have got things to do, I like to write a list. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
You think you've done something then, don't you? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
But even better than writing the list, oh! | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
Crossing something off the list. You know you've done something then. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
You can have yourself a little treat then, can't you? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Have a cup of tea. Yeah. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
But the secret, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
is to write "Make tea" on the list. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
Oh! | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Write "Make tea" on the list, make the tea, have the tea, | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
cross it off the list. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Cos we always like to think, | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
"Oh, technology, that saves us time," but usually technology | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
is just a brilliant new way of wasting more time, yeah? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
Take your phone, right? | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
Your phone now, you can check your e-mails, check your texts, | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
check Facebook, check Twitter, right? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Whichever one you check first, you think, | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
"I've not checked that for five minutes," | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
you can check it all over again. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:49 | |
You think you've done something, but in reality you've done nothing. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
It is the equivalent of, every five minutes, | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
going up and opening your front door to see if there's anybody there | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
and then having a little walk back again. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
But if, like me, you are a fan of a late start, right, | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
I have just had a shock to the system | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
cos I've just had a child, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
and let me tell you, as any parents in the audience will know, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
trying to do very little when you've had a kid is extremely difficult | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
and if you do succeed in doing very little when you have a child, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
sooner or later they tend to take the child away from you. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
Which slightly goes against why you had a kid in the first place, | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
cos our society can take a lot of things now, can't it, you know? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
They've got more relaxed about various things. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Drug use, divorce, but child neglect? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
That's still a social taboo, isn't it, eh? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
You've got to love kids. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
Obviously not too much. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:44 | |
That's another social taboo right there, isn't it? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
But even when it comes to that, I was thinking, "I'm not strictly moral." | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
Cos there was that story, wasn't there? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Maths teacher on the south coast, | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
he ran away with one of his 15-year-old pupils over to France | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
and I was following that story, I thought, "That's terrible." | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
Then there was another story, | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
26-year-old female PE teacher shagging one of her 15-year-olds | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
and there was me thinking, "Well, where was she when I was at school?" | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
So you'll be pleased to hear I've had a good hard look at myself, | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
tried to work out why I was having this child, | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
and I came to the conclusion that it was probably selfish reasons. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
You know, I didn't want to wait so long that I couldn't, | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
in fact, have a child, cos you see these stories in the press now, | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
don't you, people, like, aged 70, having babies. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
You think, "Oh, no, that's too old." | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
You don't want to be a kid struggling to walk, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
suddenly realising that your parents are in exactly the same state. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
And there was, I'll admit, there was just a little bit of me that thought, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
"Wouldn't it be nice, when I'm really, really old, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
"to have at least one person I know who can wipe my arse?" | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
No, I realise it's not the most positive reason to have a child | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
but fair's fair, I'm wiping his arse now. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
In 40 years' time, he may have to wipe my arse | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
and my arse then - much bigger than his arse now, therefore I win. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
I get the feeling one or two of you may be judging me | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
at the moment, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
But let's face it, let's face it, I could be a worse father, couldn't I? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
A lot of comedians, they just seem to use their kids | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
very callously as sources of material. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
Now, I have far too many embarrassing stories | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
about myself without shopping members of my family. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
I'm a dreamer, ladies and gentlemen. So maybe, right, | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
let's say there's been a disaster on the news, | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
let's say there's been a plane crash, right? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
But only one person has survived and I'll be watching that story | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
and I'll be thinking, "Oh, yeah, that one person would have been me." | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
And I think, "Why do I think that?" | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
I'm not very strong, I've got no medical skills, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
no survival knowledge, I'm not very good in a crisis. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
I'm weak willed, I have a tendency to panic and my one | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
and only true ability is my ability to fantasise how good | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
I would be in situations I've never found myself in. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
As an example of my ability to deal with a crisis, | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
I recently went parachuting. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Now, for those of you who have been parachuting will know, they tell you | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
when you jump out that plane, shout, "1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000." | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
I jumped out that plane, I shouted, "Fuck," all the way down. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
I had some friends on the ground, right? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
I said to them after, I said, "Could you tell which one was me?" | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
They said, "We could hear you from about halfway down." | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
And because I can get stressed out, I always think I have to walk | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
a narrow tightrope between boredom and excitement, right? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Oh, that's a little too boring for me, | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
I need a little bit more excitement. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
Hang on, I need to go back a little the other way...which is why | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
I don't think eight-hour tantric sex is for me. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
I suspect for a good proportion of that, I'd be bored | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
and then when it came to the climax, I'd probably have a heart attack. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
And people go, "Well, what a way to go." No. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
I don't think you want to get rigor mortis with your cum face on. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
And the thing is, ladies and gentlemen, I suspect | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
if you remember nothing else from tonight's show... | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
But because I can get stressed out, | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
I always think if there's a little bit of pampering ever, | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
you know, if it's being offered, well, you know, I deserve it. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
So let's say you're in a hotel, | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
there's a bit of massage going on, you think, | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
"Oh, I'll have a bit of that," | 0:17:42 | 0:17:43 | |
so I treated myself to a little foot massage, right? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Yeah, it was a good one. Yeah, it was a good one. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Bit too good. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
I started getting a little reaction downstairs and I thought, | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
"Oh, that is inappropriate, isn't it?" | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
The thing was, the more inappropriate I thought it was, | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
the bigger it seemed to get. | 0:17:58 | 0:17:59 | |
It's that little naughty bit of your brain, isn't it, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
the bit you struggle to control, you know, the bit where, | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
say you were at a funeral, somebody farts, you can't help giggling. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:09 | |
And the thing was, it was a bloke who was giving the foot massage. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
I know. I know. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
It wasn't even a fit bloke, right? So I'm there in my dressing gown, | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
I'm desperately trying to get myself together, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
trying to calm myself down, trying to think of everything to put | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
myself off, you know, so I'm thinking of Eric Pickles and... | 0:18:21 | 0:18:26 | |
sharks, traffic accidents, sharks involved in traffic accidents. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
Turns out that shark traffic accidents, bloody sexy they are. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Obviously I'm having a little look at the bloke | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
to see if he can tell that I'm a bit distracted, right? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
And I don't think he's actually noticed but I think he can tell that | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
I'm definitely not concentrating fully, mainly because I keep going, | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
"Shark! Shark!" | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
So thankfully he eventually | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
puts my feet in the old bucket of water, he goes off to reception, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
he says, "Come out when you're ready." | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
He didn't say, "I've finished, you can finish yourself off now," right? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:06 | |
But, you know, blokes will know that if you do have | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
an embarrassing erection, it's not easy to cover it up, is it? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
You know, you can stick your hand in your pocket, can't you, right, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
and stick your bum out a bit, you know? | 0:19:15 | 0:19:16 | |
But it tends to usually just look like you've still got | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
an erection but you shat yourself at the same time. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
You can actually get these sandals now, right, | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
which have got pressure points on the inside of the sole | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
which massage your feet as you walk along. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
My friend said he was going to get me a pair for Christmas. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
I said, "Don't do that. I walk round town in those, | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
"I'm going to get done for indecent behaviour." | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
But the police, they're struggling at the moment, aren't they? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
Cos they, oh, the government have cut their numbers | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
and the police said they, oh, they said, | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
"If you cut our numbers, crime is going to go up." | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Now, crime has, in fact, gone down. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
That's slightly embarrassing for the police, isn't it? | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
Best interpretation of those figures is that police numbers | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
have very little effect on overall crime. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
The worst interpretation of those figures is, in fact, that the police | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
were responsible for a lot of the crime. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
Obviously some of the police officers have been up to no good. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
They've been taking some money off the tabloid journalists | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
and the public have been asked - | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
"What do you want to happen about this?" | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
And the public have said, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
"We want legislation against these journalists. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
"We don't trust the journalists." | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
But they've said they don't actually want MPs to legislate against | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
the journalists, cos they trust the MPs even less than the journalists. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
But you think, "What a tragedy that politics is regarded as less | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
"trustworthy than the profession that hacked the phone of a dead girl." | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
You're thinking, "Who's going to save politics?" | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Various names are bandied around. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
Boris Johnson, | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
a man who apparently is desperate to become our next Prime Minister. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
But what you may not know, he was in fact born in America, | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
so he is eligible to become the next | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
President of the United States of America | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
and that would be my preferred option. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Be fantastic, wouldn't it? | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
The most powerful man in the world, the leader of the free nations, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
and you just see a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
The man is a serial shagger, isn't he? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
This is the man, right, whose first marriage went tits-up | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
because he was having an affair. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
Then he got kicked off the Conservative front bench because | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
he lied about a second affair and now his current wife, she kicked him out | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
of the matrimonial home for a while because he was having a third affair. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
And you're thinking, right, Paddy Ashdown, he only had one affair. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
He got known as Paddy Pantsdown. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
What are the journalists waiting for, | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
given that Boris's surname is Johnson | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
and his initials are BJ? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
And people go, "Oh, but you've got to love him, haven't you? | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
"He's quintessentially British," and I'm thinking, | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
"No, he was born in America, he's named after a Russian | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
"and he looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person." | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
And then we've got Iain Duncan Smith | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
and his welfare reforms and you're thinking, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
"If you're trying to save money on the welfare budget, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
"surely the easiest and best way of doing that is to actually | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
"raise the minimum wage so as the government don't have to pay | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
"so many tax credits." Because at the moment, there's a big debate between | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
the parties, isn't there, about a living wage against a minimum wage. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
Now, it turns out the living wage is, in fact, | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
the minimum wage that you can live off for your basic needs, | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
so it turns out the minimum wage isn't, in fact, the minimum wage. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
It's less than the minimum wage. And you're thinking, | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
"If it's less than the minimum wage, why is it called the minimum wage?" | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
If you can't live off it, you might as well do nothing. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
"Would you like a job?" "Can I live off it?" "No." | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
"Brilliant. When do I start?" | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Cameron memorably described UKIP as fruit cakes, | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
loonies and closet racists. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
And after he described them as such, loads of people went out | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
and voted for UKIP. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
He obviously described a large proportion of the British electorate | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
who are going, "What? There is a party for me!" | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
We discovered at the same time that apparently the average age | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
now of a Conservative party member is 68. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
Yeah. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:29 | |
Oh, yeah, we have another winter like last year, | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
they're in right bloody trouble, they are. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
And Nigel Farage, the leader of UKIP, he has said that all | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
the other party leaders, they come from the same elitist background. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
You're thinking, "This is a man who was a stockbroker | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
"who went to public school. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
"Surely if he was really a man of the people, | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
"he wouldn't be called Nigel Far-ahge, would he? | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
He'd be called Nigel Fa-ridge, | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
like garage, not gar-ahge. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
But maybe he lives in a vill-ahge in a cott-ahge and enjoys a saus-ahge. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
I mean, the trouble is, though, people come over here, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
don't they, and they don't learn how to pronounce our words. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
It's a bloody outr-ahge, that's what it is. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Then we've got Liberal Democrats. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
Liberal Democrats, struggling at the moment. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
Down 50% from the general election, aren't they? | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
From 22% popularity down to 11%. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
I still think people are missing a trick. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
If anybody asks anybody who they're going to vote for in | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
the next general election, everybody should say Liberal Democrat. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
And then when it comes to the general election, | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
nobody should vote for them and when Nick Clegg goes, | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
"But you promised us," we can all go, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
"Yeah, and now you know how we feel." Hey? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
But he's not the least popular member of the Cabinet. Oh, no. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
The least popular member of the Cabinet - George Osborne. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
Current popularity - minus 53. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
You would have thought two was a pretty poor popularity, wouldn't you? | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
Minus 53, that sounds like even imaginary people think he's shit. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
This is the man who went to Brussels to campaign to keep | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
bank bonuses exactly the same as they were before the crisis | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
and you're thinking, "If a bank has made a profit they get a bonus, | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
"but if a bank has made a loss and we've bailed them out, | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
"I don't think they should get a bonus," because who gets it in | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
the neck from us, right, the public, after the banking crisis? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
It was the people who work as cashiers out front. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Now, most of them aren't on much more than minimum wage, | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
so not only do I think the bankers shouldn't get a bonus, right? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
But I think whoever's made the loss, | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
they should have to work out front as cashier number four | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
so as we can have a word with them and when that tannoy tells us | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
which window to go to, it also tells us what they've done wrong, right? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:53 | |
So it says, it says, "Oh, yeah. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
"Oh, here we go." | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
Harrogate is up for it, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
You know, the tannoy's there going, | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
"He's wasted three billion of your cash. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
"Go and tell him what you think of him. Cashier number two." | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
Let's face it, what has actually changed? | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
What has changed since the financial crisis? | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
What can you put your finger on? | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Have they actually split up the banks into retail | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
and investment sides? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:27 | |
No. Have they made the banks small enough to fail? No. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
Have they done anything about bank bonuses? No. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
The one and only thing you can put your finger on and go, | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
"Yes, that has changed," | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
is the fact that Sir Fred Goodwin is no longer Sir Fred Goodwin. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
But let's face it, that's made | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
very little practical difference, hasn't it? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Cos if you ever saw Sir Fred Goodwin, | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
you wouldn't have called him Sir Fred Goodwin, would you? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
You might have called him a lot of things, | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
but sir would not have been one of them. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
In the same way if you ever came across Lord Sugar, | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
you probably wouldn't call him Lord Sugar. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
You'd probably call him Sugar, just to annoy him, yeah? | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
And if you had to make him a cup of tea, you might go, "Sugar, Sugar?" | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
And if you had to make him a cup of hot lemon, you might go, | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
"Sugar? Hmm. Honey, honey?" | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
And you might not get a job on The Apprentice | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
but it'd be worth it just to see the look on his Sid James face. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
And then we've got Michael Gove for education. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
-CROWD: -Oh... -There we go. Popular in Harrogate. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
I get that every place in the country, it doesn't matter. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
This is the man... What's his big policy? | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
How is he going to change our kids' education? | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
Rote learning, that's what he thinks. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Yeah, he thinks learning by lists, that is the way to do it. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
You're thinking, "That is just not an interesting way to learn, is it?" | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
You know, I happen to know... | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
I happen to know William I, William II, right, | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Henry I, then we got Stephen, then Henry II, then Richard Jon, | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
Henry III, Edward I, II, III, we got Richard II, haven't we? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:51 | |
Henry IV, V, VI, Edward IV, Edward V, Richard III, | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
then we've got Henry VII, Henry VIII, haven't we? | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
Edward VI, then we got Mary, | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
then we got Elizabeth, James I, Charles I, Charles II, James II, | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
William and Mary, Anne, four Georges then, haven't we? | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
William IV, Victoria, Edward VII, then we got George V, Edward VIII, | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
George VI, Elizabeth II and Charles the Unready, right? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
Now, I happen to know that. Oh, no, no, no. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
No. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
It's fucking pointless. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:20 | |
I'm a Republican, right? | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
But... | 0:28:28 | 0:28:29 | |
I reckon a lot of ardent monarchists would struggle | 0:28:29 | 0:28:33 | |
to name a lot of those. | 0:28:33 | 0:28:34 | |
My guess is even Prince Harry would struggle to name a lot of those. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:39 | |
He probably knows about three, doesn't he? | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
Probably Henry V cos he was a bit of a fighter, Henry VIII | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
cos he was a big of a shagger and George III | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
cos he used to get his kit off for no reason whatsoever. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
But you're thinking, "It's not an interesting way to learn anything." | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
Surely more interesting would be | 0:28:54 | 0:28:55 | |
if you learnt it from princes in the Tower, right? | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
If you learned it as Battle of Bosworth, yeah? | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
Leicester car park, shagger, syphilis, congenital syphilis, | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 | |
Catholic, ginger, Catholic ginger gay, right? | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
No head, oak tree, the shit, yeah? | 0:29:08 | 0:29:12 | |
Fell off a horse, 17 pregnancies, German, German, mad German, | 0:29:12 | 0:29:16 | |
mad German shagger, | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
pineapple head, yeah? | 0:29:18 | 0:29:19 | |
Not amused, Lillie Langtree, euthanasia, abdication, lisp, | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
husband a racist. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
If you learnt it like that, you know... | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
And of course, the government, they're always going, | 0:29:35 | 0:29:37 | |
"Well, there's this left-wing media bias," and you're thinking, | 0:29:37 | 0:29:40 | |
"Well, there's loads of right-wing comics. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:43 | |
"Just so happens most of them | 0:29:43 | 0:29:44 | |
"seem to be investigated by Operation Yewtree." | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
And the thing is that right wing or left wing, | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
politicians have realised they're not connecting, | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
so they're trying to find other ways of connecting with us. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:58 | |
So they're trying to tell us little stories about themselves | 0:29:58 | 0:30:01 | |
to lure us in. We found out recently that Ed Balls, | 0:30:01 | 0:30:03 | |
he likes to watch Antiques Roadshow, which he says makes him cry. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:08 | |
Then we found out Ed Miliband, | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
apparently he used to be able to do the Rubik's Cube one handed | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
in one minute 23 seconds aged 14. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
When I heard that, all I could think of, | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
"What the hell was the other hand doing?" | 0:30:19 | 0:30:21 | |
Then we had Nadine Dorries, didn't we? | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
She wanted to go on I'm A Celebrity | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
because she didn't want to popularise herself, | 0:30:27 | 0:30:29 | |
she wanted to popularise politics. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
Of course, she got no politics in the edit because people | 0:30:31 | 0:30:34 | |
don't watch I'm A Celebrity for politics, do they? | 0:30:34 | 0:30:36 | |
You don't get people going, "Oh, I'm very interested to find out | 0:30:36 | 0:30:39 | |
"what Eric Bristow thinks about quantitative easing, | 0:30:39 | 0:30:42 | |
"but I'm just going to watch him eat a kangaroo penis for a while." | 0:30:42 | 0:30:46 | |
George Galloway made the same mistake, didn't he? | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
He went on Celebrity Big Brother, hoping to talk politics. | 0:30:48 | 0:30:52 | |
He ended up in a pink leotard doing an impression of a cat. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:56 | |
And this is the man who came out in support | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
of Wikipedia's Julian Assange, saying he said he didn't think | 0:31:00 | 0:31:04 | |
having sex with somebody when they're asleep...he said that's not rape. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:07 | |
He said that is merely bad sexual etiquette. | 0:31:07 | 0:31:10 | |
This is the MP for Respect, right? | 0:31:11 | 0:31:14 | |
Presumably, he doesn't think having sex with a dead person, | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
is necrophilia. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:18 | |
That's just poor funeral manners as well. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:21 | |
I was excited to see what Harrogate made of that, ladies and gentlemen! | 0:31:24 | 0:31:28 | |
You're thinking, aren't you? | 0:31:30 | 0:31:31 | |
People look at politicians like this and go, | 0:31:31 | 0:31:34 | |
"Oh, well! They're just fame-obsessed, aren't they? | 0:31:34 | 0:31:36 | |
"Self-orientated, attention-seeking idiots." | 0:31:36 | 0:31:39 | |
But you think, actually the public expect politicians now | 0:31:39 | 0:31:42 | |
to have a certain amount of showbusiness about them. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:45 | |
People like a bit of showbusiness. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
People expect comedy shows to have a big showbiz ending | 0:31:47 | 0:31:50 | |
and to have a big ending you really need music, don't you? | 0:31:50 | 0:31:53 | |
Now, I can't sing, can't dance, can't play a musical instrument. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:56 | |
As we've already established, the only thing I'm really good at | 0:31:56 | 0:32:00 | |
is sat at the end of my garden doing fuck all. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
But I figured me coming out with a garden chair having a bit of a snooze | 0:32:03 | 0:32:07 | |
was probably not the finale we were all looking for. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:11 | |
So, I thought I'd get myself down to one of those recording studios | 0:32:11 | 0:32:14 | |
with Autotune, I will do a version of My Way, right? | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
The bloke who ran the recording studio said, | 0:32:17 | 0:32:19 | |
"I think, Andy, I need to explain to you how Autotune works." | 0:32:19 | 0:32:23 | |
He said, "If you're half a note either side, it averages out, | 0:32:23 | 0:32:26 | |
"it sounds fantastic." | 0:32:26 | 0:32:27 | |
He said, "You're not a note either side." | 0:32:27 | 0:32:30 | |
He said, "You're in a different octave. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:33 | |
"How about instead of doing a cover version of Frank Sinatra, | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
"doing a cover version of Milli Vanilli | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
"and getting somebody else to do it for you?" | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
So, I thought to myself, | 0:32:44 | 0:32:45 | |
"Alternatively, why don't we get loads of indoor fireworks?" Yeah? | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
"We'll have them against the backdrop. It'll look brilliant." | 0:32:48 | 0:32:52 | |
I checked it out. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:53 | |
They said, "Not only is a health and safety issue," they said, | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
"it's also an insurance issue, | 0:32:56 | 0:32:58 | |
"but you can use party poppers if you want." | 0:32:58 | 0:33:02 | |
I said, "You don't get that on The X Factor, do you?" | 0:33:02 | 0:33:05 | |
You don't get some singer coming out to sing their song and next | 0:33:05 | 0:33:08 | |
to them some bloke in a hi-vis jacket going pop, pop, pop, pop. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:14 | |
People like a bit of showbusiness. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
I myself, I'm hoping to do a bit of acting. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:24 | |
Either that or EastEnders. | 0:33:24 | 0:33:25 | |
One of the two. | 0:33:27 | 0:33:28 | |
I like to think I've shown my emotional range already tonight, | 0:33:28 | 0:33:31 | |
ladies and gentlemen. | 0:33:31 | 0:33:32 | |
Anger... | 0:33:32 | 0:33:34 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:33:34 | 0:33:35 | |
Tenderness. | 0:33:35 | 0:33:36 | |
Sadness. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
That's all you need for EastEnders, isn't it? | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
"Oi! I love you. Come back. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:46 | |
"Come back." | 0:33:46 | 0:33:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:33:49 | 0:33:51 | |
CHEERING | 0:33:51 | 0:33:54 | |
I think I could easily be a long-lost Mitchell brother. | 0:33:54 | 0:33:58 | |
Obviously, I'd need some sort of, you know, audition monologue, | 0:34:02 | 0:34:06 | |
wouldn't I? | 0:34:06 | 0:34:07 | |
They tend to use those Shakespearian monologues, don't they? | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
Maybe what I could do, maybe I could like Henry V, right? | 0:34:10 | 0:34:13 | |
But in the style of EastEnders. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, | 0:34:19 | 0:34:21 | |
"Or close the wall up with our English dead, | 0:34:21 | 0:34:25 | |
"Because even if they are dead, | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
"They can always come back at some later stage as a different actor. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
"In peace nothing does so become a man as modest stillness | 0:34:32 | 0:34:36 | |
"and humility. | 0:34:36 | 0:34:37 | |
"But if somebody looks at you a bit funny, | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
"Burn the place down and claim it back on the insurance." | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
"Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood, | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
"And try and shake off the fact | 0:34:49 | 0:34:50 | |
"you went to Webber Douglas Acting School by going, | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
"'DO YOU WANT SOME? DO YOU BLOODY WANT SOME?' | 0:34:53 | 0:34:58 | |
"Lend the eye a terrible aspect and bear the chest, | 0:34:58 | 0:35:02 | |
"Like dear mum, Peggy, did in Carry on Camping." | 0:35:02 | 0:35:07 | |
"Grit the teeth and flare the nostril wide, | 0:35:08 | 0:35:12 | |
"Like you've just ruined your septum doing lines of coke with sister Sam. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:18 | |
"On, on, you noblest Mitchells. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
"Dishonour not your mothers and prove that those men | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
"That you do claim to be your fathers did truly conceive you | 0:35:23 | 0:35:27 | |
"By getting on the Jeremy Kyle and having a paternity test." | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
"Be a copy to your fellow brethren and show them | 0:35:32 | 0:35:35 | |
"How to fight the Mitchell way, | 0:35:35 | 0:35:36 | |
"'What you looking at? Get out my pub, you muppet.' | 0:35:36 | 0:35:41 | |
"Aye, I see you standing there like greyhounds in the slips, | 0:35:41 | 0:35:47 | |
"Straining for the start. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:50 | |
"Well, the game's afoot. | 0:35:50 | 0:35:51 | |
"Cry God, for Walford, Queen Vic and the family." | 0:35:51 | 0:35:57 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:35:58 | 0:36:04 | |
People love a bit of showbusiness, don't they? But not just that. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:14 | |
They also like the trappings of showbusiness. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
Simon Cowell did an interview where he said | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
he no longer uses ordinary toilet paper, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
but he buys designer toilet paper which is black and costs £10 a roll, | 0:36:20 | 0:36:24 | |
there apparently now has been a run on designer toilet paper in Britain | 0:36:24 | 0:36:28 | |
which is black and costs £10 a roll. | 0:36:28 | 0:36:31 | |
And you're thinking, not only is that a complete waste of money, | 0:36:31 | 0:36:35 | |
but how can you tell if your arse is clean? | 0:36:35 | 0:36:38 | |
And if that wasn't enough... | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
AUDIENCE STILL LAUGHING | 0:36:46 | 0:36:47 | |
..Travelodges came out | 0:36:47 | 0:36:49 | |
and they said last year 20,000 books were left in Travelodges | 0:36:49 | 0:36:53 | |
across Britain, 7,000 of which were the same book - | 0:36:53 | 0:36:58 | |
50 Shades of Grey. | 0:36:58 | 0:36:59 | |
I'm guessing there's probably a few guilty faces in tonight's audience. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:05 | |
Probably mainly the ladies... | 0:37:05 | 0:37:07 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yeah! -Yes, there we go! | 0:37:07 | 0:37:09 | |
One lady going, "Yes, it's me and I'm proud of it. All 7,000!" | 0:37:09 | 0:37:14 | |
But you're thinking, of course it's going to be mainly | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
the ladies because it's not an erotic book for blokes, is it, eh? | 0:37:18 | 0:37:21 | |
No pictures, you know? | 0:37:21 | 0:37:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
But I myself, I myself have read it, you know? | 0:37:29 | 0:37:32 | |
I picked up a copy in a Travelodge! | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
No, I had to do it for the Cheltenham Literary Festival, | 0:37:35 | 0:37:38 | |
and the story is this: 22-year-old very good looking, right, student. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:41 | |
Yeah? She's a virgin. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:44 | |
She comes across a very good looking 27-year-old tech billionaire | 0:37:44 | 0:37:47 | |
who happens to be into BDSM, | 0:37:47 | 0:37:49 | |
and that is BDSM, not BSM, | 0:37:49 | 0:37:51 | |
as I read on one website, right? | 0:37:51 | 0:37:54 | |
There's a big difference between bondage discipline and sadomasochism | 0:37:54 | 0:37:58 | |
and the British School of Motoring. | 0:37:58 | 0:38:00 | |
You phone up BSM, | 0:38:02 | 0:38:04 | |
they come round and you're wearing your nipple clamps... | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
..you may not get that driving lesson. | 0:38:08 | 0:38:10 | |
But the whole thing... | 0:38:13 | 0:38:15 | |
the whole thing seems somewhat unrealistic to me, right? | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
Yeah. This woman's had no sexual contact whatsoever. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:22 | |
In their first contact, right, she orgasms. What does he do, right? | 0:38:22 | 0:38:27 | |
He tweaks her nipple, right? That's it, yeah? | 0:38:27 | 0:38:30 | |
Now, supposedly one in three women, right, struggle to orgasm at all. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:34 | |
Most need at least 20 minutes' sexual activity. | 0:38:34 | 0:38:37 | |
Virtually all need some form of clitoral stimulation, yeah? | 0:38:37 | 0:38:40 | |
But tech boy billionaire, he just thinks, | 0:38:40 | 0:38:42 | |
"Oh, I'll just have a little go, | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
"Just have a little tweak of the nipple. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
"Ooh, that's worked! That is a bonus! Yeah. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:48 | |
"This one's a keeper," right? | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
I was there thinking... | 0:38:52 | 0:38:54 | |
Do you know what my favourite line in the entire book is? | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
It goes, "He took off his socks individually." | 0:38:57 | 0:39:02 | |
How else was he going to take his socks off? | 0:39:07 | 0:39:09 | |
Oh, he took his socks off simultaneously, | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
fell on his arse, made a bit of a twat of himself. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
But we like, don't we, we like to judge how moral everybody | 0:39:25 | 0:39:29 | |
else is, but how often do we think how moral actually are we? | 0:39:29 | 0:39:34 | |
As an example, right, I recently was involved in a car accident. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:38 | |
Well, I say I was involved in a car accident, | 0:39:38 | 0:39:40 | |
my car was involved in an accident. | 0:39:40 | 0:39:43 | |
I was, in fact, in bed at the time. | 0:39:43 | 0:39:46 | |
My car was parked outside my house, right? | 0:39:47 | 0:39:49 | |
Four o'clock in the morning, right, taxi driver going down my road, | 0:39:49 | 0:39:53 | |
a straight road, right, no other vehicles involved, | 0:39:53 | 0:39:55 | |
wrote off my car and tried to drive away and would have done so | 0:39:55 | 0:40:00 | |
if my next door neighbour hadn't collared him. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
Next door neighbour knocks on my door, says, | 0:40:02 | 0:40:04 | |
"You want to come out, some bloke's just smashed up your car." | 0:40:04 | 0:40:07 | |
So I come out in my dressing gown going, "What's going on?" | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
Taxi driver goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was tired." | 0:40:09 | 0:40:13 | |
I said, "Well, I was tired..." | 0:40:13 | 0:40:17 | |
At which point, right, this young copper turns up | 0:40:20 | 0:40:24 | |
and he goes to me, he says, "Whose fault do you think it was?" | 0:40:24 | 0:40:27 | |
I said, "I've been known to snore, | 0:40:29 | 0:40:30 | |
"but not so loudly somebody's had a crash in the street outside." | 0:40:30 | 0:40:35 | |
And you can imagine, this was particularly traumatic for me, | 0:40:35 | 0:40:38 | |
wasn't it, you know? | 0:40:38 | 0:40:39 | |
There I am in my dressing gown, looking at this traffic | 0:40:39 | 0:40:42 | |
accident and all I can think of is sharks and Eric Pickles... | 0:40:42 | 0:40:45 | |
..and I don't want you to think, right, that I had parked badly. | 0:40:49 | 0:40:53 | |
I had parked neatly up against the kerb, because you can now get | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
fined if you park more than 50 centimetres away from the kerb. | 0:40:56 | 0:41:00 | |
Now, I personally don't mind that, | 0:41:00 | 0:41:02 | |
because 50 centimetres is almost two feet. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:04 | |
If you can't park within two feet of the kerb, you've not parked, | 0:41:04 | 0:41:08 | |
have you? | 0:41:08 | 0:41:10 | |
You have stopped in traffic and fucked off. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:12 | |
But this wasn't the only occasion I had to come across some | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
police officers recently, right? | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 | |
I also came across five who were chasing after a young lad | 0:41:25 | 0:41:28 | |
for fully five minutes and I was watching them | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
and I was stood still, and you're thinking, "How is that possible?" | 0:41:31 | 0:41:34 | |
Well, they were chasing after this young lad who was | 0:41:34 | 0:41:36 | |
so pissed, that he was running round in a really big circle. | 0:41:36 | 0:41:40 | |
Yet not one of the police officers had the foresight to think, | 0:41:40 | 0:41:44 | |
"Well, if I stand here, I'll be able to get him | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
"next time he comes around." | 0:41:46 | 0:41:48 | |
They only managed to apprehend him because he was laughing so hard, | 0:41:49 | 0:41:54 | |
that he collapsed to the floor, | 0:41:54 | 0:41:56 | |
at which point the lead copper still rugby tackled him, right, | 0:41:56 | 0:41:59 | |
but was in such poor shape he put his back out, right? | 0:41:59 | 0:42:03 | |
So he had to let go, at which point the young lad stood up | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
and started doing it all over again. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:07 | |
And, of course, the police, | 0:42:13 | 0:42:14 | |
they are supposed to be looking after the politicians, aren't they? | 0:42:14 | 0:42:18 | |
But, you know, sometimes you wonder how good a job they do. | 0:42:18 | 0:42:20 | |
Nick Clegg, you may have seen, | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
has had dog shit shoved through his letter box. | 0:42:22 | 0:42:24 | |
I'm guessing he wasn't best pleased that the policeman guarding | 0:42:24 | 0:42:27 | |
the front of his house didn't do a better job preventing it | 0:42:27 | 0:42:30 | |
cos, you know, you can imagine, can't you, you know, | 0:42:30 | 0:42:32 | |
a young lad walking up the garden path, right? | 0:42:32 | 0:42:35 | |
And the copper's there going, "What you doing?" | 0:42:35 | 0:42:38 | |
"Oh, well, I was just going to shove a dog shit through his letter box." | 0:42:38 | 0:42:42 | |
"All right, go ahead, yeah, lovely." | 0:42:45 | 0:42:47 | |
Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there? | 0:42:50 | 0:42:53 | |
Ed Miliband, he always gets called Wallace from Wallace and Gromit | 0:42:53 | 0:42:56 | |
and he says, "Yes, well, you know, if you were going to | 0:42:56 | 0:42:59 | |
"design a politician, I know it wouldn't look like me." | 0:42:59 | 0:43:02 | |
and you're thinking, "Well, he's probably right, isn't he?" | 0:43:02 | 0:43:04 | |
He's not helped by that little white patch of hair that he has just here. | 0:43:04 | 0:43:07 | |
Makes him look like half man, half badger. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:10 | |
And he says what it is, he's actually prematurely ageing, | 0:43:10 | 0:43:13 | |
but just in one tiny little bit of his head | 0:43:13 | 0:43:15 | |
and you're thinking, that's a bit weird, isn't it? | 0:43:15 | 0:43:17 | |
It's a bit like those people you see who've had botox on their face | 0:43:17 | 0:43:20 | |
and then you look at their neck | 0:43:20 | 0:43:22 | |
and it looks like a lizard's ball sack, doesn't it? | 0:43:22 | 0:43:24 | |
Cos there is a lot of abuse out there, isn't there? | 0:43:29 | 0:43:31 | |
Especially online. | 0:43:31 | 0:43:32 | |
You feel quite sorry for the kids, don't you, | 0:43:32 | 0:43:34 | |
those ones who go to school, get bullied at school, yeah, | 0:43:34 | 0:43:37 | |
come home, turn on the computer, get bullied at home. | 0:43:37 | 0:43:39 | |
Oh, it's all changed since the days of Gary Partridge, hasn't it? | 0:43:39 | 0:43:43 | |
Well, I'm guessing most of you don't know who Gary Partridge is. | 0:43:44 | 0:43:48 | |
He's a bloke I was at school with. | 0:43:48 | 0:43:50 | |
I might have forgotten who Gary Partridge was | 0:43:57 | 0:44:00 | |
if it wasn't for one fact, right? | 0:44:00 | 0:44:02 | |
And that was the fact, right, that one lunchtime, | 0:44:02 | 0:44:04 | |
Gary came out a bit too sheepish out the school toilets, right, | 0:44:04 | 0:44:07 | |
having flushed a little too often, so a search party | 0:44:07 | 0:44:09 | |
is organised and it's turned out Gary has done a monster poo, right? | 0:44:09 | 0:44:14 | |
Oh, it was a big one, right? | 0:44:14 | 0:44:15 | |
It was like the opposite of an iceberg, yeah? | 0:44:15 | 0:44:17 | |
90% of it was out of the water, OK? | 0:44:17 | 0:44:19 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:44:19 | 0:44:21 | |
Oh, and you know they say that childbirth is like pooing a melon? | 0:44:21 | 0:44:24 | |
Well, in which case Gary Partridge had given birth to a pumpkin, | 0:44:24 | 0:44:27 | |
let me tell you that. | 0:44:27 | 0:44:29 | |
And the thing was Gary Partridge only had a very small arse, right? | 0:44:29 | 0:44:33 | |
So there was a big debate as to how big his arsehole | 0:44:33 | 0:44:35 | |
was in comparison to the rest of his arse | 0:44:35 | 0:44:37 | |
and whether his buttocks were liable to be sucked into an anal void. | 0:44:37 | 0:44:41 | |
But this would probably have just been one break time's | 0:44:41 | 0:44:44 | |
entertainment, if it wasn't for one other fact, | 0:44:44 | 0:44:46 | |
and that was the school photography competition was on at the same time. | 0:44:46 | 0:44:50 | |
A state school had spent some of its very limited cash on a brand-new | 0:44:53 | 0:44:56 | |
Polaroid camera and the idea was you had to borrow that camera, | 0:44:56 | 0:44:59 | |
you had to go round school and you had to take | 0:44:59 | 0:45:01 | |
a photo of something you thought was amazing, eh? | 0:45:01 | 0:45:04 | |
You then had to stick it on the school notice board, right, | 0:45:07 | 0:45:10 | |
with a name and what it was. | 0:45:10 | 0:45:14 | |
So the poo is stuck on the notice board, | 0:45:14 | 0:45:16 | |
Gary Partridge, what I did in my lunch break, right? | 0:45:16 | 0:45:19 | |
And there is a song at the charts at the time by Robert Plant | 0:45:22 | 0:45:25 | |
called Big Log, OK? | 0:45:25 | 0:45:27 | |
So, whenever Gary comes into a classroom, right, | 0:45:27 | 0:45:30 | |
everybody starts singing Big Log and he's no longer called Gary, | 0:45:30 | 0:45:33 | |
he's called The Stig, because he's the Stig of the Dump, right? | 0:45:33 | 0:45:38 | |
And so you can imagine, teacher walking along the corridor, | 0:45:38 | 0:45:42 | |
has a look at the photographs, sees the poo, it gets taken down, Gary | 0:45:42 | 0:45:46 | |
is disqualified from the photography competition, so then half | 0:45:46 | 0:45:50 | |
the school go round with a little badge on, Justice for Gary, right? | 0:45:50 | 0:45:54 | |
And this is 28 years ago or whatever, right? | 0:45:58 | 0:46:01 | |
You're thinking, "How would that story have spread now with | 0:46:01 | 0:46:03 | |
"Facebook, with Twitter, with YouTube?" | 0:46:03 | 0:46:06 | |
As it was, we had a reunion recently. | 0:46:06 | 0:46:08 | |
Gary walks into the pub. The whole pub goes, "Stig!" | 0:46:08 | 0:46:11 | |
And then when he went to the loo, | 0:46:12 | 0:46:14 | |
somebody followed him in with an iPhone. | 0:46:14 | 0:46:16 | |
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm immune to abuse, you know? | 0:46:24 | 0:46:28 | |
I was recently described as a cross between Ming the Merciless | 0:46:28 | 0:46:31 | |
and Robbie the seal from Pingu. | 0:46:31 | 0:46:33 | |
And I thought I had a goatee beard, but according to one young girl, | 0:46:36 | 0:46:40 | |
it looks like I have an arrow going up my nose. | 0:46:40 | 0:46:43 | |
But you're thinking, with all the abuse out there, right, | 0:46:50 | 0:46:52 | |
the more abuse there is heaped on politicians, | 0:46:52 | 0:46:55 | |
the more of a laughing stock they become, right? | 0:46:55 | 0:46:57 | |
The less trusted and respected they are as a profession, | 0:46:57 | 0:47:01 | |
the more it seems that comedians think they can become politicians. | 0:47:01 | 0:47:06 | |
You may have seen an ex-Spitting Image writer, | 0:47:06 | 0:47:09 | |
stood for Labour at the Eastleigh by-election. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:11 | |
There are now elected comedians in Iceland, in Italy, in America. | 0:47:11 | 0:47:14 | |
Even Eddie Izzard has said he's going to stand to be | 0:47:14 | 0:47:17 | |
the 2020 London Mayor. | 0:47:17 | 0:47:20 | |
He's obviously seen Boris Johnson, he's thought, | 0:47:20 | 0:47:22 | |
"Fuck it, I must have a chance." | 0:47:22 | 0:47:24 | |
People have even suggested that I might want to | 0:47:24 | 0:47:27 | |
stand for political office, saying such things as, | 0:47:27 | 0:47:30 | |
"Well, you can't be worse than the current crop." | 0:47:30 | 0:47:33 | |
Believe you and me, I can. | 0:47:33 | 0:47:35 | |
Where is the Secretary of State for Health? | 0:47:35 | 0:47:37 | |
Well, he's writing his conference speech, | 0:47:37 | 0:47:40 | |
How To Avoid Rigor Mortis With Your Cum Face On. | 0:47:40 | 0:47:42 | |
I get easily frustrated, I enjoy relaxing a little too much | 0:47:45 | 0:47:50 | |
and I shout, "Twat!" at myself in public. | 0:47:50 | 0:47:52 | |
But then you think, well, Boris Johnson, | 0:47:52 | 0:47:54 | |
he's had countless affairs, he described 250 grand a year | 0:47:54 | 0:47:58 | |
as chicken feed and he tried to take all the credit for the Olympics, | 0:47:58 | 0:48:01 | |
although all I can remember him actually doing during the | 0:48:01 | 0:48:04 | |
Olympics, was going down a zip wire and getting stuck halfway down it. | 0:48:04 | 0:48:08 | |
We had invited the best runners in the world to our country, | 0:48:08 | 0:48:12 | |
but he couldn't even get from A to B by falling. | 0:48:12 | 0:48:15 | |
And the Royal Statistical Society, they've come out recently | 0:48:17 | 0:48:21 | |
and they've said, they reckon the British public are wrong | 0:48:21 | 0:48:24 | |
about virtually everything. | 0:48:24 | 0:48:26 | |
They reckon the British public think there's far more crime | 0:48:26 | 0:48:29 | |
than there is, far more immigration than there in fact is, | 0:48:29 | 0:48:31 | |
far more benefit fraud than there, in fact, is. | 0:48:31 | 0:48:34 | |
You're thinking, if you get comedians as politicians or politicians | 0:48:34 | 0:48:38 | |
that look like comedians, the danger is, right, that they're more | 0:48:38 | 0:48:42 | |
likely to concentrate on lowest common denominator | 0:48:42 | 0:48:46 | |
and populism and not actually do the hard things that need to be done. | 0:48:46 | 0:48:51 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. | 0:48:51 | 0:48:53 | |
Winston Churchill, of course, our greatest ever politicians. | 0:48:53 | 0:48:57 | |
Now, he used to have a whole bottle of champagne at lunchtime, | 0:48:57 | 0:49:00 | |
a whole bottle of champagne in the evening, | 0:49:00 | 0:49:03 | |
followed by three or four scotches, two brandies and a highball. | 0:49:03 | 0:49:07 | |
I'm surprised after that he didn't say, "We will fight them on the | 0:49:07 | 0:49:10 | |
"beaches, we'll fight them in the pubs, outside the pubs, at the taxi | 0:49:10 | 0:49:14 | |
"ranks, in the kebab shop, in the all night garage waiting for some fags." | 0:49:14 | 0:49:19 | |
So, what I say to you is how come we've got to the stage where | 0:49:19 | 0:49:23 | |
every time there's a budget, the price of alcohol goes up? | 0:49:23 | 0:49:27 | |
I say, for the first time ever, let us | 0:49:27 | 0:49:29 | |
reduce in the next budget the price of alcohol. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:32 | |
Yeah. I'm not talking ten pence off the price of beer. | 0:49:32 | 0:49:34 | |
I'm not talking 20 pence off the price of beer. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:37 | |
I say to you, free beer available on the NHS with free pizza, | 0:49:37 | 0:49:42 | |
because as we all know, | 0:49:44 | 0:49:45 | |
-it helps prevent cancer. AUDIENCE: -Whoo! | 0:49:45 | 0:49:50 | |
But I don't want you to think that I've forgotten | 0:49:52 | 0:49:54 | |
the health of this nation. | 0:49:54 | 0:49:56 | |
I say we make sure that supermarkets, | 0:49:56 | 0:49:58 | |
they have to make those trolleys harder to push to give us | 0:49:58 | 0:50:01 | |
a good cardiovascular workout and we make sure the biscuit aisle | 0:50:01 | 0:50:05 | |
is only a foot wide, so fat people can't get down it. | 0:50:05 | 0:50:07 | |
And let's double the defence budget, right? | 0:50:13 | 0:50:15 | |
We've recently just spent £8 billion, right, | 0:50:15 | 0:50:19 | |
on two aircraft carriers which apparently will not be able | 0:50:19 | 0:50:21 | |
to carry any aircraft for the next seven years, | 0:50:21 | 0:50:24 | |
so one has been mothballed and, for the next seven years, right, | 0:50:24 | 0:50:27 | |
the other one, as it goes up and down the seas, probably | 0:50:27 | 0:50:29 | |
the most dangerous thing it may have on it is a seagull, right, eh? | 0:50:29 | 0:50:34 | |
Oh, yeah, we won't be able to attack anybody, but if anybody comes | 0:50:34 | 0:50:37 | |
within 100 yards with a bag of chips, oh, they're in trouble. | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
And let's not forget kiddie-fiddlers, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:50:43 | 0:50:47 | |
I say to you, we round up all the kiddie-fiddlers, right? | 0:50:47 | 0:50:50 | |
We put them in the same town, just them, right? | 0:50:50 | 0:50:52 | |
And we make them all wear school uniform, so as | 0:50:52 | 0:50:55 | |
when they wander around, they're a constant danger to each other. | 0:50:55 | 0:50:59 | |
And I say... | 0:51:01 | 0:51:03 | |
Let's bring back capital punishment, right, for Fred Goodwin, | 0:51:03 | 0:51:07 | |
for the bloke from the Go Compare adverts, for Jimmy Savile, | 0:51:07 | 0:51:11 | |
I don't care if he's dead, I say dig him up, hang him, | 0:51:11 | 0:51:14 | |
bloody bury him again and let's not forget George Osborne, right? | 0:51:14 | 0:51:19 | |
This is the man who was part of the Bullingdon Club, yeah? | 0:51:19 | 0:51:21 | |
And apparently, when he was part of the Bullingdon Club, | 0:51:21 | 0:51:24 | |
they used to drop him repeatedly on his head, | 0:51:24 | 0:51:26 | |
holding him by his ankles, going, "Who are you?" | 0:51:26 | 0:51:28 | |
And they would keep doing it until he said, | 0:51:28 | 0:51:31 | |
-"I am a despicable -BLEEP." | 0:51:31 | 0:51:33 | |
Now...if they can do it, why can't we? | 0:51:33 | 0:51:35 | |
I say we re-enact it every Wednesday on Westminster Green | 0:51:35 | 0:51:39 | |
until this economy improves. | 0:51:39 | 0:51:41 | |
But, I realise, I need a good ending to this speech, because this | 0:51:42 | 0:51:46 | |
is the only thing that is liable to make it onto the news and you | 0:51:46 | 0:51:49 | |
will know when I have reached the end of my speech, because | 0:51:49 | 0:51:51 | |
I will gesticulate wildly and then do a silly wave and I will gradually | 0:51:51 | 0:51:55 | |
get there by building up, by pumping my fist a bit, by using short | 0:51:55 | 0:51:58 | |
sentences and gradually raising my voice as I get towards the end of | 0:51:58 | 0:52:01 | |
the line. | 0:52:01 | 0:52:02 | |
And it's at that point, I throw in my final feel good policy. | 0:52:02 | 0:52:06 | |
I say we make sure BBC One at 10pm, instead of having the news, | 0:52:06 | 0:52:11 | |
they have ten minutes of free porn. | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
You have a look at the 2010 UKIP manifesto, right? | 0:52:24 | 0:52:29 | |
It's not a million miles away from that. | 0:52:29 | 0:52:31 | |
I suspect we do not want comedians as politicians. | 0:52:33 | 0:52:36 | |
That way, you suspect, can only lead to Greece, a country, right, | 0:52:36 | 0:52:41 | |
which was described by the European Central Bank, | 0:52:41 | 0:52:43 | |
they said, "It's a bit like the Ebola virus," they said, | 0:52:43 | 0:52:46 | |
"We may have to cut off our leg to survive." | 0:52:46 | 0:52:49 | |
Now, I'm not convinced they know much about finance. | 0:52:49 | 0:52:52 | |
They certainly know nothing about the Ebola virus. | 0:52:52 | 0:52:54 | |
That affects your entire body, right? | 0:52:54 | 0:52:56 | |
You cut off your leg, you've still got the Ebola virus, | 0:52:56 | 0:52:59 | |
you've just got one less leg. | 0:52:59 | 0:53:01 | |
But virtually every country you look at in the world, the gap | 0:53:02 | 0:53:06 | |
between the haves and the have-nots is increasing, right? | 0:53:06 | 0:53:08 | |
And you think, "That can't be right," | 0:53:08 | 0:53:10 | |
but you're thinking if we all went out on a regular basis | 0:53:10 | 0:53:13 | |
and demonstrated, yeah, things can change. | 0:53:13 | 0:53:15 | |
But I also know, I am a big fan of a nice warm room, yeah, a comfy | 0:53:15 | 0:53:19 | |
armchair, bit of a natter, which is why my favourite form of protest | 0:53:19 | 0:53:23 | |
is the sit-in, cos it's trying to change the world by doing fuck all. | 0:53:23 | 0:53:28 | |
Cos let's face it, even if you retreat to your shed, right, | 0:53:29 | 0:53:33 | |
politics will always intrude. | 0:53:33 | 0:53:34 | |
The height you can have that shed, what you can see from that shed, | 0:53:34 | 0:53:38 | |
who's fracking underneath your shed. | 0:53:38 | 0:53:40 | |
At some stage, we need to go out and go the extra mile. | 0:53:40 | 0:53:44 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:53:44 | 0:53:48 | |
# For what is a man? What has he got? | 0:53:49 | 0:53:55 | |
# If not himself then he has nought | 0:53:56 | 0:54:02 | |
# To say the things he truly feels | 0:54:02 | 0:54:09 | |
# And not the words of one who kneels | 0:54:09 | 0:54:15 | |
# The record shows I took the blows | 0:54:15 | 0:54:22 | |
# And did it my way! | 0:54:22 | 0:54:27 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:54:30 | 0:54:38 | |
# Yes, I did it my way! # | 0:54:51 | 0:54:53 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:55:03 | 0:55:07 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:55:22 | 0:55:24 | |
I wanted to stop you before you'd used all of your clapping up. | 0:55:25 | 0:55:28 | |
I will be going when I get my breath back. | 0:55:30 | 0:55:32 | |
And I didn't want to go off to nothing, you know? | 0:55:37 | 0:55:41 | |
You know, cos I... | 0:55:41 | 0:55:43 | |
I know, no, I know what some British audiences are like. | 0:55:45 | 0:55:48 | |
They go, "Oh, I've clapped once. Fuck him." | 0:55:48 | 0:55:51 | |
So I hope, ladies and gentlemen, we see each other again at some point. | 0:55:58 | 0:56:04 | |
And yeah, no, I mean, if you're into getting in touch, | 0:56:04 | 0:56:06 | |
that would be lovely, you know, a bit of Facebook or | 0:56:06 | 0:56:09 | |
a bit of Twitter or a bit of MySpace, if you're trapped in 2007. | 0:56:09 | 0:56:14 | |
And if you are online, ladies and gentlemen, you know, | 0:56:16 | 0:56:19 | |
there's a new campaign... AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES | 0:56:19 | 0:56:21 | |
..called My Theatre Matters and, you know, | 0:56:21 | 0:56:24 | |
obviously it would be interesting to see how that edits with | 0:56:24 | 0:56:27 | |
somebody sneezing in the middle of My Theatre Matters. | 0:56:27 | 0:56:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:56:30 | 0:56:34 | |
People going, "I didn't even see his lips move, | 0:56:37 | 0:56:40 | |
"that was bloody brilliant, that was." | 0:56:40 | 0:56:42 | |
I'd love to, wish I could see the person in front of him... | 0:56:44 | 0:56:47 | |
if there was, indeed, anybody going, "What the fuck?" | 0:56:47 | 0:56:50 | |
But, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:56:54 | 0:56:56 | |
obviously having been to the theatre tonight, you now know that | 0:56:56 | 0:57:00 | |
you can crack one off quite happily in a Harrogate corridor. | 0:57:00 | 0:57:04 | |
Nobody will give too much of a monkeys. | 0:57:04 | 0:57:08 | |
And if nothing else, you now know that when you see Simon Cowell | 0:57:09 | 0:57:12 | |
being nasty on the telly, you can console yourself with the fact | 0:57:12 | 0:57:15 | |
that he's probably got a dirty arse. | 0:57:15 | 0:57:17 | |
But it's nice, isn't it? | 0:57:24 | 0:57:25 | |
It's nice, it's nice doing nothing, isn't it? It's lovely. | 0:57:25 | 0:57:30 | |
But it's not really as good, maybe, | 0:57:30 | 0:57:32 | |
as doing something that you're actually proud of, is it, you know? | 0:57:32 | 0:57:35 | |
Maybe something like this. | 0:57:35 | 0:57:37 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:57:41 | 0:57:44 | |
Practise at home, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:57:48 | 0:57:51 | |
impress your partner and if that doesn't work, tweak the nipple. | 0:57:51 | 0:57:54 | |
Thank you very much. Good night. | 0:57:56 | 0:57:58 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:57:58 | 0:58:00 | |
Thank you. | 0:58:05 | 0:58:06 |