A Gert Lush Christmas

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping

# And I've brought me some corn for popping

# The lights are turned way down low

# Let it snow, let it snow... #

I love you.

I love you too, ha-ha!

Perfect.

Been the best six months of my life.

-Hello. Merry Christmas, Roger.

-Hey, merry Christmas, Roger.

Merry Christmas, darlings. Thanks for the wine.

I think it was the most glorious Rioja I've ever supped!

-Oh, I'm glad you liked it, mate.

-Dear boy, I more than liked it!

It was super duper wiggly woo!

That's how wine should be described.

-Legend.

-Have a majestic Christmas, chaps.

-And you, mate.

-OK, you too, bye.

-Bye.

God, he's amazing.

-He's more than amazing. He's groovy woovy dibbly doo.

-Ssh!

This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

-I can't wait to meet your family.

-Yeah...

-Oh, don't start.

-I'm not starting. I'm just saying,

you need to prepare yourself. They're lunatics, Lise.

-Everyone thinks their family's mad, OK? How bad can it be?

-How bad?

Last year, Mum interrupted the meal by saying, and I quote,

"I don't see the point of flavoured condoms.

"It's not like my fanny can taste."

That's what she did.

She sounds funny.

She is. But not when I'm eating turkey.

I just feel bad. You could be in Barbados with your parents,

-but instead you're going to be in Bamford.

-Yeah, with you!

Look, it's our first Christmas together. It's going to be amazing.

Now stop moaning. Pig me!

-She's got a point about that condom thing.

-Aw, come on!

-Yeah!

-Tune!

-Oh, I love this!

-# Watch us wreck the mic

-# Watch us wreck the mic

# Watch us wreck the mic...psyche!

# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready

# Let's get ready to rumble

# Sit back, cracker jack Don't take no flak

# Rhyme in time to the rhythm of the track

# I'm Ant, I'm Declan a duo, a twosome

# So many lyrics We're frightened to use 'em

# So many lyrics We keep 'em in stores

# We even got 'em comin' out of our pores

-# Your father...

-Your mother...

-Your sister...

-Your brother...

# Everyone's got to be an AKA lover

# Give us motivation We can cause a sensation

# Give us the aspiration We can cause a sensation

# Give us girls top speed... #

Well, here we are.

This is the bustling metropolis where I grew up.

See if you can spot which one is my house.

Could it be, which one?

Oh, my God!

Look at it! It looks like it's been vajazzled.

SHE GIGGLES

JINGLE BELLS BY CHIPMUNKS PLAYS

HE SIGHS This is it.

Are you sure you want to do this?

-Open the door.

-OK. Now, before I do...

Oh, God, yes?

-What's your opinion on family photos?

-I love them.

Great! SHE LAUGHS

That's my mum and dad.

Yeah. Doesn't that just scream Christmas?

Dan! Merry bloody Christmas!

Oh, welcome, welcome home.

You must be Lisa. I'm Dave, Dan's dad.

Here you go, here, look, have a go on that.

No, go on.

Don't get that in London, do you?

-What are you wearing?

-It's my Christmas costume!

You look like a pervert elf.

-He is a pervert elf! Hello, pudding!

-Hey, Zorro.

Oh, shit the bed, Dan, she is gert lush!

Oh, hello, Lisa, I'm Sue, Dan's mum.

-Hi. Oh, hello!

-Oh, what an angel! Oh, if were a man I'd ruin you.

-Ruin her?

-It's a compliment, she's fantabulous.

Damn straight. You're punchin' well above your weight there, wonky eyes.

-What are you wearing?

-It's called a onesie.

-You look like a beaver.

You are what you eat, so...

Shouldn't you be dressed as a cock then?

Oh, ho-ho! He got you there, dump truck!

-JULIE:

-Where's my new sister in law?

-Hello Lisa, I'm Julie, sweet.

-Nice to meet you.

Can I have an Eskimo kiss?

-He loves it.

-I don't love it.

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

I could just eat you.

-Whey-oh-ey!

-No.

-What?

-Trev, Bert. Lisa's here.

What's your star sign?

-Oh, come on, Julie.

-Ssh! What's your star sign?

-Taurus.

-Huh! Oh, my God.

Dan's an Aries, you're a Taurus, that's a match made in heaven.

Cos his ex was a Pisces

and that was never going to work, was it, Mum?

Never. When was the last time you seen a ram hanging out with a fish?

-Noah's ark?

-Grow up, Dan.

-Ooh, Trev. This is my husband, Trevor.

-All right? Trev.

And this is our son, Bertie.

-Do you like magic?

-Yeah.

Well, step this way!

Madame, where is the ball?

Just give him five minutes.

-Ooh...

-Sorry.

Oh, I can't believe you drove all the way from London, Lise.

I couldn't do it.

I literally can't think of anything more terrifying

than driving in London.

What if...

you had a dream about eating a pie and when you woke up...

you had eaten your hand?

Hm. Geminis. He's very...

So, what's the plan for tonight?

Oh, me and Lisa are going down the Bull.

Quiet drink...just the two of us.

Great idea.

DAN'S MUM LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

And, after that, he never swam for the school again, did you, love?

Honestly, Lise, you've never seen diarrhoea like it. Oh!

Dave, Dave, Dave. Show Lisa that picture of Dan when he was younger.

Got it here, yeah.

-Think - you could have been in Barbados.

-There you go.

-Why are you naked?

-Oh, he wouldn't wear clothes.

He always had that one hand on his tinkle, didn't he, Dave?

We thought we had a problem child - he give it a name!

-I was four years old!

-Bloody grabbing at it. "Look, dad, it's Keith!"

-Keith!

-I call mine Vesuvius.

Yeah, cos it's fuckin' dormant.

Ooh - got you there, Jakey!

At least mine never got bitten by a swan!

-Oh, my God, you remember that?

-Oh, my God, Dan.

We were feeding ducks in the park, Lise, and a swan got hold of Keith.

Remember, do you? He wrote a letter to the Queen, Lise.

TOGETHER: "Dear Liz, one of your swans bit my widger."

I do love Christmas.

I know it sounds mad, but it's times like this I'm glad Jesus died.

What? He was born at Christmas.

Right, my round. Come on, Dan, give us a hand at the bar.

-Get Jake to go.

-You go, Dan. We'll look after Lise.

So, hm, Lise - do you think you'll get married?

I'll take that as a yes!

See, the trick is, never ignore your legs. See?

That's where you build all your explosive power.

Dad, are you all right? Dad...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a bit of heartburn.

Oh, don't be such a fanny. Right, Lois, how much is that?

A lot of people don't go for it these days, Lise,

but what can I tell you? I believe in tradition.

I just think if you're going to have a hen night,

you've got to have a stripper.

-Crisp?

-Er, no, thanks.

-Julie?

No, Mum, I'm on a diet.

-JAKE:

-All right, which one of you wankers is up for a drinking game?

-Yes!

-DAD:

-Good thinking there, Jakey.

Right, so you eat a spoonful of sweet corn, then you drink a pint of

Guinness and the winner is whoever poos out the longest bumblebee.

How are you still single?

How are YOU still single?

-Hi.

-All right?

Uh, well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

HE OOHS

Lovely, lovely, lovely. Merry Christmas, you beautiful buggers!

-How you doin'? Dan, how are you?

-Hello, mate, how are you?

-Hang on, hang on. Let's do it properly.

-OK, OK.

BOTH: Ooh, ooh, ooh - wahey!

You look fantastic, mate.

-So do you, man. There she is.

-You must be Lisa.

-Yeah, hi.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Mark, Dan's oldest friend.

I'll tell you this, Lise, you've picked an absolute legend.

Let me say this, right?

God, as my witness, this man...

-only man I'd have a threesome with.

-Never going to happen.

-Never say never.

-I'm saying never.

-You can't rule these things out.

-I can.

-You don't know what's happening in the future, do you?

-It's not that.

-We agree to disagree. Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat

but I'm on a promise with Ethel.

(Is that Dave Bolton's mum?)

No. It's his nan. Ta-ta.

-Dirty bugger.

-He's all right.

He's probably off making another one of these pornos.

Nothing wrong with home-made erotica, Trev. Me and Sue have made

some absolute classics down the years, haven't we love, eh?

Cheese and onion flavour, yeah.

Not like this. I heard, he made a porno so disgusting

that whoever sees it goes mad.

-Bollocks.

-And he lost it.

That video is out there...

somewhere.

-You know Cheryl from the bakery?

-Yeah.

Her dog accidentally saw Mark's porno.

The next day...

the dog committed suicide.

-How does a dog kill itself?

-Threw itself under a bus.

-Maybe he just got run over.

-No!

-Oh.

Wayne the bin man reckons

it was the first time he'd ever seen roadkill with a boner.

Right, let's get on it!

One each of those little puppies, here you go.

Oh, lovely.

Just one last one. One, two, three.

-ALL:

-Ugh!

What is in that, Dad?

Oh, Lise, did I ever tell you about the time, I caught Dan

dressing up as Mariah Carey?

I remember, yeah!

-ALL:

-# All I want for Christmas is you! #

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

-Oh. Merry Christmas, Keith!

-Keith's asleep.

-No, Keith's not asleep.

-Yeah, he's dead.

Dan...

-Your parents are crazy.

-I did say, didn't I?

MUFFLED EXCITED VOICES

Oh, my God, is that your parents?

-Yeah. Do your parents not do this at Christmas?

-No! No!

-Yeah, Christmas gang bang.

-No! No! Oh, my God!

I can think of no finer moment than this to give you your present.

-Ah! What is it?

-Merry Christmas. I'm not telling you, am I?

MUFFLED SEX NOISES AND BANGING

Are you taking me to Paris?

Indeed I am.

Dan! Thank you, I'm so happy. Mwah!

VOICES BECOME LOUDER, BANGING BECOMES QUICKER

You're not the only one.

NOISES STOP

-I feel bad now cos I didn't get you anything.

-Huh?

Oh, you sneaky wench!

It's not quite Paris tickets.

Let's have a look.

-Guitar lessons, that's amazing!

-You like that, do you?

Yeah, of course I do! Come here, that's brilliant.

-KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

-Whoa, OK, hello.

Come on you two, we're opening our presents.

Sounds like you've already opened yours, mother.

PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jiggle your titties... #

Oh, oh, bloody... Jake! He's changed my ringtone.

I...I...I don't know how to fix it. Ha-ha-ha!

Come on, I've got you some great Christmas jumpers.

-LAUGHTER

-What do you think? I made them myself.

He's got the same eyes as you.

-What about yours?

-That's nothing, check out Nan's!

Hers looks like it's being gang banged.

Gang banged? What's that?

-Uncle Dan, pick a card!

-OK, right. There you go.

-Don't tell me what it is, just concentrate on the card.

-OK.

It's the...nine of diamonds.

Oh, sorry, Bertie.

Poor bugger.

THEY GASP

Da-dum.

Oh, my God, Trev, what happened?

This is my present.

I've given him a different haircut every day for Christmas.

Oh, that is a truly thoughtful present, Julie.

It's nice.

Sweet piss, Trev, did someone take a shit on your head?

Ha!

Dad!

-Doh, Dave.

-What?

PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jingle your titties... #

Oh, Jakey!

CHATTER

HE BURPS LOUDLY

-That was a good one.

-Amazing!

Wouldn't mind a few of them.

-'Ere, Lise, how old do you think I am?

-Oh-ho-ho!

Go on, have a guess.

Dunno, 60?

LAUGHTER

-I'm 52.

-Ah, brilliant.

I tell you what, Lise, you've got a lovely figure.

-It's nice and meaty.

-Meaty? Mum...

That's a compliment! Most of your girlfriends have been like rakes.

-Yeah.

-It's nice to see someone with a nice bit of flesh on her.

-Exactly, you're very, um, womanly.

-Yeah.

Womanly, that's it, that's what men like, isn't it, Dave?

Something they can grab hold of.

Bloody right. I can slap your mum's arse, go and get a cup of tea

and when I come back, it's still wobbling.

Some of Dan's exes have been like sticks.

-Do you remember Jenny? Do you remember Jenny?

-Oh, Jenny!

-Why are we bringing her up?

-We've got a picture of her somewhere!

-Sit down, you're being rude!

-Here it is.

-There you go.

-How about we don't dwell on the past...

Oh, I can't believe you ripped that picture.

..and just have a lovely Christmas meal?

I'm just saying. You obviously take after your dad.

-He likes a bit of booty an' all.

-Guilty!

-BURPS

-I'm more of a tit man myself.

-Well, her tits are great too!

-Ooh, yeah.

-Mum!

-They are lovely.

I have a thing about noses.

This is the perfect Christmas, isn't it?

Your mum's calling me fat...

your brother's staring at my tits

-and now I have to meet the rest of your family.

-I'm sorry.

-Do we have to go?

-You know I do.

I haven't seen Uncle Tony since he got the all clear.

-We should have gone to Barbados.

-Well, I did say.

-And who is Jenny?

-Oh, come on.

-Why haven't you told me about her before?

Cos she was a girl I went out with for, like, a month when I was 19.

Then, why have they got a photograph of her?

I don't know, why does Mum call Google, Goggle?

She clearly adores you. It's just... she doesn't know how to show it.

Come on, we'll go to Tony's for an hour...max.

We'll find a nice quiet spot, just you and me...

and Keith.

Come on.

It'll be super duper wiggly woo.

-Just don't leave me on my own with them.

-I won't.

To be honest, I doubt they'll even bother with us.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYING

So, as I was saying, Lisa, when are you two getting married?

-Oh, Jade, not you as well?

-Well, you're not getting any younger,

especially if you want to have kids.

You don't want to leave it too long,

-or they'll come out all Forrest Gump!

-What does that even mean?

Buongiorno, princesses.

I bring four glasses of champagne for four delectable ladies.

Oh, you know, you lovely poppets are going to have to tell me your secret

because, I swear to Christ, you're all getting younger.

-We are talking marriage, Tone.

-Best thing I ever did.

Oh, darling.

Listen, my angels, I'm just going to take Dan off for a bit.

-You don't mind, do you, Lise?

-Course she doesn't, sweetheart.

-Oh, maybe in a bit, Tone, me and Lisa are just going to chill out...

-Hey! Come on Dan! If my ba...

..my battle with the nut cancer has taught me anything,

it's that there's no time like the present, so, come on...

indulge an old man.

-Drinking in the shots, are we, Dan?

-Yeah.

I used to have a lovely one of Rolf here, but, that had to burn.

-Right, come on, Milkie!

-Where are we going?

-You'll see.

The million dollar question, Lisa - is he the one?

-I think, um...

-When you know, you know.

Me and Doug got married after two months.

-I never met a man like him.

-Yeah.

-And you were pregnant.

-Yeah.

Oh... I have an amazing idea.

Come on, Lisa, come with me, come on, follow me, girl.

-There you go, come on.

-What you gonna do?

-Come on, come with me.

Wait for me.

Let me give you some advice.

My fucking wife and those rancid old crows in there

are filling Lisa's head full of all sorts of shit.

I'm here to tell you right now, Daniel, you never get married.

-How many times are we going to do this?

-When you're single,

life is a buffet.

Marriage...marriage is a microwave meal, Dan.

Oh sure, of course it's hot at the beginning,

but, you dig a little deeper, and it's cold. Real cold.

How many of those have you had?

What I'm saying is, Dan, never settle.

How am I settling? Lisa's amazing!

She's all right. Let's not talk silly.

-What I wouldn't do to be single again.

-Oh...

I don't know if I ever told you, but in the '80s, I was, er...

quite the cocksman.

We're really going to have another story about you and Keith Chegwin?

I remember once, I was round at Cheggers' house at a party,

fuckin' bangin' it was. I managed to talk two girls into bed...

with nothing more than a Slinky.

Hm, they were Latvian.

They thought I was a wizard.

Great chattin', Tone. Doubtless we shall do this again next year.

Stick to the buffet, Dan. Stick to the buffet!

Jesus!

-Oi, Trev, you seen Lisa?

-No.

Oh! You do know who is here though, don't you? It's Jenny.

-(What the hell is she doing here?)

-I don't know...

-Would you like a hug?

-No, I don't want...

-No, he doesn't want a hug.

GASPS

What did I tell you, that is a perfect fit!

-Oh, my darling.

-You look lush!

-Sue, go and get a camera, let's get some pics.

-Great idea!

You look absolutely beautiful. Turn around.

-Oh, darling...

-You look lush!

-Oh, my God, look at her ass in that.

-Oh, he's going to enjoy popping the cherry on that.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, yeah.

GRUNTING

Hold that lot there. That's the crab. Both of you.

-Oh, wow! You all right?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

Sometimes when you clench your abs, you can pull a little intercostal.

No, Kelly, I'm on a diet.

Here, Ju, I don't understand.

-Mark's porno, does it only affect dogs?

-No. Nathan Watkins seen it.

Last I heard, he was in Waitrose car park,

-trying to chew off his own face.

-Oh... Waitrose.

Mum, Mum... Where's Lisa?

She's upstairs trying on Jade's wedding dress.

What? What part of "look after her" didn't you understand?

-What's Jenny doing here?

-Jade knows her from Zumba.

Well, get rid of her. If Lisa sees her, she's going to go mental.

Get rid of her.

-You all right, Suze?

-It's Dan, he's so tense.

-You're telling me.

-I just want him to have fun.

-Same here.

If only there were some kind of magic potion to cheer him up.

Ah... Now we're talking, Suze.

-What?

-"Oh, what?" she says. Don't worry, Suze, I understand.

"He just needs a magic potion to cheer him up"(!)

-What are you talking about?

-Clever. Denial.

Don't worry Suze, I've got it covered.

Ooh!

-So, I think we'll just nip this in a bit in the back.

-That cleavage.

-KNOCKING Lisa? Are you OK?

-Yes, come in!

He can't come in, it's bad luck! Are you insane?

She'll be out in a minute, you go and enjoy yourself.

-All right, gaylord?

-How am I a gaylord?

-You just threw imaginary spunk at me.

-Yeah, you loved it.

-What?

-Permission to come aboard.

Tony, I don't want to hear about how you got sucked off

cos of a game of Buckaroo.

Hey, hush, hush. I come bearing an apology.

I'm sorry about all the wedding stuff, Dan.

-Truce?

-Go on, then.

Yeah. Good girl.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, Tone.

So do you want to hear a mucky story about Sinitta?

-Not really.

-Why not?

Get every angle, brilliant, well done.

Come on gorgeous, smile.

-It's good from every angle, isn't it?

-I think we've got enough now.

-Let's get her in the bed, looking seductive!

-Yes!

-Come on, then.

-You'll look lovely on that black silk.

-On all fours.

You're going to look absolutely fantastic, there you go.

Arch your back...

MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim

Go on, hit me as hard as you can. Come on, I won't feel a thing!

# Ta-dah... #

Come on, Lisa, nice and trampy now. Go on, get...

Yeah, stick your tongue out, Lise.

That's the stuff, that's the stuff.

-Really slutty.

-On all fours. Make some of them noises.

Uh, uh, uh, you taste so good!

HE GIBBERS

He's perked up a bit.

Cheggers did say they had some kick.

And this...is what I wore for the honeymoon.

CAMERA CLICKS

-Please don't make me wear that.

-KNOCKING

Lise? You better come down. Dan's acting really strange.

I got that.

MANIACAL LAUGH

INDISTINCT

MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim continues

"FIRESTARTER" REPLACED BY PARTY MUSIC

HE GROANS WITH PLEASURE

Jesus! Who keeps doing that?

-Still no answer, love?

-Oh, why'd you let her leave?

She was so upset, Dan, and you were

licking that bald man's head again...and she just slipped away.

Somebody must have spiked my drink.

I honestly thought I was kissing Lisa.

What was that look? What happened?

I was chatting to Uncle Tony, love,

and I happened to mention that you were a bit stressed...

-Which you were, Dan.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

..and I think he misunderstood

-and he might have put some stuff in your drink.

-It was you?

I'm so sorry, love.

What the FUCK did you do that for?!

I'm so sorry, love, I was just trying to be helpful...

-Help? You've ruined my life!

-I'm so sorry, Dan! Where are you going?

Mum, get your hands off me!

-Oi! Don't you dare talk to your mother like that!

-Fuck you!

Get out of my house! Get out!

SHE SOBS

Think the toilet's broken again, Mum,

I just shat out a massive bumblebee.

Cheers, Trev.

'Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message.'

Lise, please call me back, right, it wasn't my fault, they drugged me.

I'm at the station now, I'll be home in about three hours.

I love you so much.

Right, so that's single to Exeter, all right, thank you.

-Single to London, please.

-When are you planning on returning?

I'm not, I just need a single to London.

Right, well, it's just as cheap getting a return.

We got super saver,

we got a super-super saver, we got a range of loyalty savers...

Look, I'm in a bit of a rush.

Can I just have a single to London, please?

Abusive language will not be tolerated, sir.

I'm not being abusive, am I? I just need to get to London.

-Well, being rude to me ain't going to help, is it?

-I'm not being...

It would be rude if I said, "Get me a fucking ticket to fucking London!"

But I haven't done that, I just want a single to London.

Come on, I'm having the worst day of my life.

I'm sorry, just...

-OVER PA SYSTEM:

-Can I have station security to the front desk, please?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Lisa, are you OK?

Lisa, are you all right?

'No. No, I'm not OK.'

I'm so sorry, love. I know this is going to sound like

absolute bullshit, but I swear, on my mum's life,

I honestly thought I was kissing you.

-'Dan...'

-Uncle Tony spiked my drink.

'Dan, you cheated on me.'

'You cheated on me in front of your whole family and made me

'look like an idiot.'

Look, just let me come home, I can fix this.

'I don't want you to come home.'

What? What does that mean? You...

Are you breaking up with me?

'I just need some time to think.'

Don't put... Please, Lisa, don't put the phone down, please don't.

Pl...

# I have nothing

# I love no-one

# Are words that you whisper in my mind

# To someone I don't know

# To someone I don't know

# To someone

# So walk with me

# On this new spring morning

# I'll walk you till your fears are numb

# I need your light in my life

# Need your light in my life

# Need your light

# So come back to me

# My darling, come back to me... #

Hiya.

# I'd do anything to be at your side

# I'd be anyone to be at your side

# I need your light in my life

# Need your light in my life

# Need your light. #

Another cup of tea there for you.

Come on, mate, been moping around here for two days now.

Let's go out. Guys' night out!

Yeah, couple of lads down the pub, no women,

just two blokes putting the world to rights.

We won't have one mention of Lisa.

All right.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!

Such a pretty name.

HE BELCHES

-Same again.

-Let's make this the last round, hey, mate?

No, let's get some more in, eh? Having the time of our life.

So what's all this I hear about your porno killing a dog?

That dog died of natural causes!

Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message.

Just pick up the phone, please. I just want to hear your voice, please.

Dan, what the hell are you doing? Give that here!

What's the one thing I told you to never do when you're drunk?

-Have a strangle wank?

-No, the other one.

-I don't know, mate.

-You never drunk dial, Dan.

-But I'm broke, mate. I don't know what to do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... What you doing? Come on!

Not here, mate, come on, you're not in London now.

Up you come, up you come. Come on, come here.

Let's just go back to mine, we'll have a cup of coffee,

-play a bit of Fifa.

-All I want to do is just stay here and get pissed.

Dan, listen to me, what kind of friend would I be if I just...?

All right! One more drink. The things I do for you.

-Thanks, mate.

-That's all right, yeah.

When I met her, everything changed.

When she smiled at me...

..it was like the whole world was smiling at me.

Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it!

-You're amazing, you're absolutely amazing!

-I know!

Oh, yes.

Deirdre, how much longer you going to be?

Oh, yes! Oh, it's a bonanza!

Part of me's died. Like my soul has split in two.

Yes, that is amazing, that is absolutely amazing!

I'm a lucky boy, I'm a lucky boy.

Cath! The taxi's on its way!

Oh, double trouble. I'm a lucky boy, innit? Lovely, lovely.

Ooh, you're perfect. Don't you change.

Oh... God.

HE SNIFFS

-See you later, ladies.

-Bye, lover.

You were fantastic. Grrrr! Stay naughty. Ciao, ciao.

What a night! You feeling better?

Oh, yeah. Watching you bone dinner ladies really sorted me out.

Well, don't knock it till you try it, Dan.

Good thing about dinner ladies - not afraid to give you seconds.

-What?

-You should have joined in, mate.

-Mate, they've got bus passes.

Yeah, both of which went up my ass.

How is that bragging?

HE HUMS TUNE

Hello, Mum? Ca... calm down. Ca... Mum? I can't...

Calm down. What? His heart? Oh, God! Yeah, I'm coming.

I'm coming straight away. I've got to go.

Bye, Dan. Right, breakfast. Lovely.

Where is he?

-SOBBING:

-Oh, Dan, they think he might die.

Don't say that, don't say that. come on. Where is he?

-Where is he?

-He's at the vet's.

-What? The vet's?

He's been in surgery.

-Oh, God, I thought it was you!

-No!

-Oh, Dad!

-It's all right! I'm all right.

-Oh, God, Dad.

-It's all right, Dan. It's all right.

-Don't worry.

-I'm so sorry, Dad.

-Oh, it's all right. How are you? You all right?

-Yeah.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

-So, what's the latest?

-They reckon it's going to be 50/50.

-50/50!

-Oh, Mum.

-Poor little bugger.

-Dad.

Come here, you. Come here. Come on.

It'll be all right.

Aw...

Oh, Ma, look at this one.

Oh, my God. Let's see.

-What?

-I remember that.

Oh, is that my last day of school?

Silly bugger. Ate a whole plate of sausages

and had the shits for a week.

What's this? Zorro the Wonderdog?

Oh, my God, Mum, you kept it!

Oh, my God, oh, Ma, put it on, oh, put it on, yeah...

I won't spoil it.

Oh, Dan.

CHILD'S VOICE: A Dan Coleman production.

Starring Zorro the Wonderdog!

It's quite clever, though, that, you know.

Why is he so wonderful, you ask?

Well, what other dog can make people disappear.

Incredible!

That's been a good gag.

(That's not all. Zorro has the power to wake the dead.)

-Oh, this is great, remember this?

-Oh...

-Oh, here we go.

'You little sod!'

He's brilliant!

'You little bugger!'

He's brilliant!

Is it on? Right, OK. Oh, Christ!

Do you remember this?

Waaa-ya! Waa!

What? What is it?

ALL: Oh!

You've never been the same since!

I think I've cracked a nut!

What was that?

Crikey, they've gone inside!

Stop it! Now, get away!

Oh, God. I hope he's going to be OK.

-'Course he is.

-He will, Mum.

SOBBING

That was lovely, darling.

Thanks, love.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

It's the vet's.

Oh, God. Please, let him be OK.

Hello, Susan Coleman.

Yeah...

Zorro, yeah.

It did, yeah.

HE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!

CHEERING

-Hello, love.

-Hey, Mum, do you want a hand?

-I'm all right, you go and watch the telly.

-Come on. Pudding's on it.

-Towel me up.

-All right, babes, there you go.

I'm sorry for what I said the other day.

I didn't mean it.

Stop it, you're going to make me cry now.

I just need you to know, I love you.

I love you, pudding.

Have you spoken to Lise?

She's not returning my calls.

What are you going to do?

I dunno.

Why don't you go and see her?

I mean, she said she wants some space.

Can't stop thinking about her, Mum.

What am I going to do without her?

Oh, it's going to be all right. I can feel it.

I miss her so much, Mum. DAN CRIES

I know, love, I know you do. I know. It's going to be all right.

It's all right.

So do you reckon you'll be here for New Year, Dan?

I guess so. Got nowhere else to go, have I?

She won't answer any of my calls.

Oh, love.

I'll tell you what you should do. Write Lisa a song.

What?

I'm serious. You should go up to London and sweep her off her feet

with a love ballad. That's what I did for your mum.

Aww, you wrote mum a song?

An absolute classic.

Was it?

# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue

# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue. #

That's not a song, you're just saying her name.

Later that night we made sweet love in the Argos car park.

Fuck sake.

I love the melody.

-It's so romantic.

-That's not romantic, Mum, that's dogging.

-Dogging?

-It's like when you...

Don't worry about it, Mum.

You want to forget about Lisa, mate, and get back inside that Jenny.

Oh, shut up, Jake.

What? Do you mind if I have a pop?

-Jake!

-I'm just sayin'!

-DISTANT:

-I'm rubbish, Nanny. Every trick I do goes wrong.

You're not rubbish! You're just starting out.

Everyone makes mistakes at first.

I bet you when Dynamo first tried to walk on water he got soaked through.

But everyone laughs at me. I feel so stupid.

They only laugh because they're jealous.

Because you're brave,

because you've got the courage to do what you love.

Today they're laughing, tomorrow they'll be applauding.

Before you know it they'll be coming to see you at the Albert Hall.

Do you think so?

I know so.

Life is all about seizing opportunities, Bert.

If you see a dream then you follow it.

Do you think David Blaine or Gandalf gave up

because somebody laughed at them?

Exactly, sweetheart.

Oh. I don't know much, Bertie-boy,

but one thing I do know.

Never worry about what other people think of you.

Just do what your heart says.

Nothing else matters.

If you find something you love, then never let go of that thing.

Thanks, Nanny

You're very welcome.

Just don't forget me when you're a great, big, massive star.

I won't.

-Do you promise?

-Yeah.

Love you, magic man.

You, you gotta let 'em know that you're there. You...

you can start with, you know, something like this.

Bring your audience in, bring 'em in to you, let 'em know you're

doing something mysterious.

You're doing something magical, something strange.

And then you crack out a bit of freestyle, see?

Give it some of that. Little shimmy here, little shimmy there.

And then bring 'em in. Oh, oh!

That's fantastic! Some of that body popping thing that you do, yeah.

That... Oh, fantastic, Bertie, that's it!

Yeah, that's the way, son!

What you doing?

A wizard never reveals his secrets.

Go on.

How about this, Grandad?

Oh! Oh, the little bum wiggle? Oh, I love it! I love it!

I love the bum wiggle!

RADIO: # You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear... #

Oh, Dan, what do you think about this for tonight?

-It's a bit low-key.

-Really?

Yeah. I feel it is too classy, Jules.

Do you think so?

Hm... Have you seen Mum?

-No.

-Oh, we're meant to be doing a fake tan sesh.

There she is, see?

Oh, there he is.

Oh, are you practising your magic again, Bertie?

Yeah! When you find something you love, Mum, you never give up on it!

-Put it there, Bertie. Boom!

-Ba-boom!

Yeah! Let's go and find Zorro, give him his medicine, shall we?

-RADIO:

-'And keeping it old school, who can forget this one from 1994?'

# 'Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready,

# 'Let's get ready to rumble!

# 'Watch us wreck the mic, Watch us wreck the mic,

# 'Watch us wreck the mic...'

# Psyche!

# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready

# Let's get, let's get Let's get ready, ready

# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready

# Let's get ready to rumble!

-# Straight up provin'

-We can get you groovin'

-# This track's boomin'

-It ain't no hype

# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic

-# Watch us wreck the mic...

-Psyche!

-#

Lise. Lise...

Lisa... Lise?

No, nothing's wrong, I just thought she might be with you.

Yeah, OK, all right... well, yeah.

Happy New Years, all right, bye, Sarah, bye.

Ah... Salutations, Dan.

Do you know, I've just had the most wonderful sandwich?

Ham, cheese and pickle!

-Rog, Rog, Rog.

-Hm?

-Have you seen Lisa?

Yes, yes, I did. A couple of hours ago. I saw her leave.

Did she say where she was going?

Oh, I didn't chat. I just saw her leaving.

She was carrying an awfully big suitcase.

Is everything OK, dear boy?

Yeah, no, it's, it's fine. Um...

Have a good New Years, mate.

-Er... Same to you.

-Yeah.

'Hi, this is Lisa...'

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, love. Where are you?

I'm at the flat.

What, in London?

Yeah, I came to get Lisa, but she's gone to Barbados.

Barbados?

Yeah. A neighbour saw her leaving with a suitcase.

What a shit New Years.

Oh, my poor pudding. Why don't you come back home, love?

Not in the mood for a party, Mum.

Not in the mood for anything.

I'll just sit here and gas myself in the car.

Don't talk like that, darling!

Besides, you don't want people finding your body in Jake's car,

they'll think you're a right pervert.

Oh, come back home, love, I'm cooking your favourite tea.

Chilli con carne with baked beans instead of kidney beans.

Come on, love.

Before I bloody drive down to London and get you myself!

All right. I'm coming.

Last thing we need's you on the roads, eh?

All right. Bye, love! See you soon!

# All I want for Christmas

# The same thing every year

# To wake up with you beside me

# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near

# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. #

MUSIC: Oxygene IV by Jean Michel Jarre

That's great!

-What's going on?

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

Is he any good at magic?

No, he's shit.

Oh, God, Bert, don't mess it up.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Has he drawn on abs?

Nothing wrong with that, Dan.

Go on, Bertie-boy!

This is some creepy shit.

And now, I will attempt my most dangerous trick.

Whoooooo!

Not all of you will survive.

Whoooooo!

But first, I must introduce

my glamorous and beautiful assistant, Nanny!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You're looking good, Suze, you're looking good!

-You been down Anne Summers?

-Yeah, get your tits out!

I am sorry.

Oh, sod this, I'm going to bed.

Oh, no, no. You're going to miss the best bit.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to need a volunteer.

I can spot one over here! Come on!

Give him a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

-He loves it, oh, he loves it!

-Go on, Danny.

Ladies and gentlemen, this may look like an ordinary dog,

but when I tap him gently with my wand...

I can make him do something incredible!

Ooooh!

For now, he has the power to bring you what you most desire.

Oooh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, my God!

Now, Nan, now!

HE MOUTHS: I love you.

Yes, I did it! I did it!

Yes!

And at the end, Dan said, "Jake, you are actually a legend, I think

"I can learn a lot from you."

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Trevor, Trevor, hit me...

Just one more.

You're a goddess.

-It's such a beautiful day.

-It's perfect.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Dad...

Julie! Oh, God, Julie, oh, God, has anyone got a phone?

Look at your faces!

Oh, come on!

LAUGHTER

-LAUGHING:

-Yes, Dad!

They all thought you'd died!

HE CONTINUES LAUGHING

What's this?

"Mark's unbelievable hardcore home video."

This will be really good.

-ON VIDEO:

-'Oh, oh, Vera, we're going to take it up a notch now.

'Take out the fun grappler...'

'How do you work this thing? Oh, my God.'

'That's it, love! Ooh, ooh yeah... Oh, oh, oh, oh...

'Oh, you dirty bugger, you love this!'

Thought I'd lost you.

I know, I'm sorry, I just... I needed some space.

I do love you.

How'd you even get here, that's what I want to know.

Your car wasn't in the street.

-Ah, your mum picked me up.

-What? Mum?

Yeah. She's really nice. Sh...

She told me all about Tony and the drugs.

I told you about that.

I know, I didn't believe you.

Why?

Because... I saw you kissing that girl

and she was all... blonde and...perfect.

-How is she, how is she perfect? Really?

-Oh, Dan...

-Are we really doing this?

-No.

-Look at yourself in the mirror.

-I'll take you through why you're perfect.

-OK, all right then.

Your perfect hazelnut eyes, when you smile you go like that,

you're very cute, you got a lovely...

vein there. The list goes on.

Let's go to Barbados next year.

-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

Everything OK, my love-birds?

How pissed are you?

Cheeky monkey!

Can't believe you drove to London.

It weren't that bad, actually.

-BOTH:

-Aaaargh!

-GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!

Anyway, I've just come to wish you happy new year!

-Oi, Mum?

-Yeah?

You're amazing.

No, she's not. She's gert lush.

-Oooooh!

-Oh, now she's talking the lingo!

Come and have a dance for me, sexy sausage!

# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue.

# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue... #

I really love them.

And I really love you.

I think it's on, I think it's working.

Green light's on.

New Year's resolution... Um...

I'm going to get myself proper pumped and enter Mr Devon.

LAUGHTER

Oh, shut up! You know what I mean!

What's my New Year's revelation?

I'd like to try on my old wedding dress...and role play.

Should probably get a penis reduction.

Nothing too drastic, just...

trim off the bottom six inches.

She knows.

Oh, piss off, Jake, you fat mess.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to change my birthday to the...

November the 28th, cos I've always wanted to be Sagittarius.

Dirty bastards!

-All I want to do is spend more time with this legend!

-Hey-hey!

-It's Cheggers!

-Hey!

-BOTH:

-Stick to the buffet!

-Yes!

He's mental, Cheggers is, I... I should have...

I would like to complete my ultimate fantasy,

that is a mother and a daughter and the grandmother.

I call it three-course meal.

Just want to spend every moment with Lisa.

Aww... To be honest, I'm more interested in Keith.

Oh, really? Can I see Sandra?

LAUGHTER

I would like to buy a meerkat.

I just want everybody to be happy.

I'd quite like to meet Gok Wan.

# All I want for Christmas

# The same thing every year

# To wake up with you beside me

# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near

# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. #