World Cup Special Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language and contains adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to our Backchat World Cup Special.

We're going to be here for a solid 45 minutes,

which is roughly the same length of time it takes for England's hopes and dreams

to be shattered into a million pieces once the World Cup kicks off.

Yay!

No, I am very excited, very excited about the World Cup.

It is about time we won

because, like my, father England haven't achieved a semi since 1990.

LAUGHTER

I mean that is so... I mean...

-To start the show with something sort of crude and pathetic.

-It's a really smart joke.

-As school-boyish as that, and also totally untrue.

-Oh, shut up.

LAUGHTER

-OK. Father, are you excited about the World Cup in all honesty?

-No.

-Why? It's the World Cup!

-All the World Cup does for me

is interfere with all the programmes that I like watching, because they change all the times of everything.

-I mean the Antiques Roadshow, as you know, is one of my great favourites.

-Yes.

And it's eight o'clock Sunday night.

But, no, then it's seven o'clock or it's 8.30 or it's moved from a Sunday to a Tuesday.

Completely lose all my bearings. And then, when I do turn on at eight o'clock,

I have to watch something like Southern Rhodesia versus the Solomon Islands or something.

And I think, "Why would anyone want to watch this boring programme?"

-Southern Rhodesia(?)

-Southern Rhodesia.

-Are you watching it in a time machine?

-Or the Belgian Congo.

-The Belgian Congo? I need to get you an atlas.

-The Belgian Congo.

Right. England famously don't fare well in South America.

Who can forget Diego Maradona in '86 who after a deliberate handball

claimed, "It wasn't my hand, it was the hand of God."

An excuse Diego picked up in the 1970s

when he briefly worked at BBC's Television Centre.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

I doubt that will make the show.

I...I love World Cup fever,

it's when, for two weeks, patriotism becomes acceptable.

Father's already getting into the swing of things,

he's got his big St George's flag hanging up in the window of the lounge.

I'm not sure why it has to say, "Go home Romanians" but...

How dare you say that?

How dare you say that?

How dare you use the word "lounge", it's a drawing room. LAUGHTER

-OK, that's the bit you take exception to.

-LAUGHTER

Gary Barlow has done England's official World Cup song,

which isn't a classic, but to be fair he is doing it for charity.

He'll probably only make like 20 grand from it,

-which, after tax, is 20 grand.

-LAUGHTER

The World Cup this year is in Rio, Brazil.

Daddy, do you like a Brazilian?

LAUGHTER

Erm...I have been to a Brazilian restaurant, there's one in Putney.

I've had dinner there a couple of times.

-So, would you say that you love a Brazilian?

-LAUGHTER

Well, I wouldn't say I love it.

I like a Brazilian, but I don't... I don't love it.

Your mother did a Brazilian for me at home.

LAUGHTER

It didn't really work because it was all so messy and horrible everywhere.

And I didn't actually, to be quite honest, like the taste of it either.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what... Why are you laughing?

-I'm just saying that's...

-Well, that kind of backfired.

Oh, my God!

That's going to take a long time to get out of my head.

I think we should bring out some guests.

-Who's ready for some guests?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Tonight I have a sofa brimming with football credentials.

Would you please welcome QPR's Harry Redknapp, Countdown's Rachel Riley

and David Beckham's James Corden!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WILD CHEERING

Thank you very much for coming on the show. So I'm going to start with the obvious question.

Is it going to be hard watching the World Cup thinking, "I could have been there"?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

I mean every... Not just the World Cup, every game.

If it wasn't for that Achilles injury,

I could have been out there, right, Harry?

-Do you play?

-Yeah, he could have been there.

-Oh! Do I play? Do I play?

-No.

-Left foot, right foot, bit of both?

-Both, bit of both, I swing both ways.

-Wow!

-LAUGHTER

Harry, is it going to be difficult watching, thinking you could be out there managing the team?

No, not really, Jack. No, I'm looking forward to it.

I think we've got a good team, good squad,

and I think we've got... I think we'll do well. I really do.

I think we'll come out of that group. Look at Uruguay, their two centre halves,

one was at West Brom this year, I think he was the worst player in the Premier League.

He didn't get in their... I can't even remember his name.

And the other lad from Liverpool, Coates, he never gets a game at Liverpool.

-They're...

-So you think they're beatable?

-Oh, they're beatable.

-You've got Suarez and Cavani up front, they're the dangers...

-Yeah.

-But after that, no, they're beatable.

-Rachel, do you think England can win the World Cup?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Erm...is that serious?

Well, I think, you know, like Harry said, we might get out of the group.

But...you like Roy. James, you like Roy.

Roy's got what it takes as a manager.

Yeah, I think it's good. I think this is the way

that we as a nation should approach the World Cup.

Like this is a healthy way to do it,

because it's the hope that kills you.

It's the hope. It's the hope every four years that just maybe...

And, actually, to go into it going, "Well, do you know what, whatever happens happens,"

is the best way to do it.

I just hope we go out and try and play good football.

That's what we need to do, I think, is manage expectations.

-Rachel, you are a massive Manchester United fan?

-Yeah.

So no matter what happens this summer it's not going to be

as disappointing as what happened this season.

-LAUGHTER

-Are you prepared for disappointment?

Well, I think as an England fan, as an English person,

you're always prepared for disappointment, aren't you?

Like James said, we always have the hype, "We're going to win! We're going to win!"

Then we go and play one game and we go, "Oh, yeah, we're not actually that great."

Do you think the older players,

we need to use them as well within that squad?

-Cos there's a lot of talk of like the young guns in the team.

-Yeah.

I think there's a good blend this time, Jack.

You know, a few of the older ones have not gone this time,

he's taken some good young players and you've still got some great experienced players, you know.

Yeah, and the right ratio for a long time, I think,

between Arsenal and Spurs players in the squad.

-Two Arsenal players, no Spurs players.

-That's right.

-I mean, that's the way it should be, right?

-It should be every year.

-Tottenham players shouldn't be allowed to play for England.

-LAUGHTER

That's a fact, cos if you've made a choice...

-I mean, Harry did the right thing, he walked away.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, cos Tottenham are

-BLEEP. LAUGHTER

There it is, there's the C-bomb.

When BBC Three moves online,

will you be able to drop C-bombs that...that freely?

I don't think anyone will give a shit when it's online, will they?

I'll tell you one person who won't be going online with it.

-Yes.

-I don't even know what online means, but I know I'm not going to like it.

-Bullshit. That might wash with Hilary, it does not wash with us.

-Yeah.

"Oh, I don't even know what it is!"

-"I just happened upon it, darling, I didn't..."

-LAUGHTER

-Please, James!

-I'm sorry but that's...

APPLAUSE

No, no, no. No, I only...I only know this, I only know this

because I know your son very well and he is never not wanking to porn.

Shut up, James!

-This is a World Cup special!

-What? You're very open about it.

-You're very open about it.

-I'm not!

-You are always talking about,

-"Oh, I saw the YouPorn porno."

-Shut up!

Harry would you start 4-4-2 or 4-4-3?

"If me and Gemma have a child, I'd love to call her Bukkake."

-Shut up, James!

-You know what Bukkake is right?

-Erm...

-Of course you do, you're Jack's dad. Yeah.

-You have it with Coke, is that right?

LAUGHTER No?

Erm...Daddy, you've been round for a long time,

who do you think England's best ever boss was?

Thatcher. LAUGHTER

Of course. Of course, Thatcher. APPLAUSE

-Harry. Harry.

-Yeah.

-How are you going to be watching the World Cup?

-Will you be watching it with Jamie?

-No, I shall be watching it on my own.

-Yeah.

-Sandra will bring me a nice cup of tea up at half-time and that's it.

Sit and study the game. I hate watching a game with loads of people.

Honestly, if I was in a bar or somewhere, I wouldn't...

I just like to sit and watch it and...

Does Jamie... Is he ever a pundit for any of your games?

-Is he allowed to do that or...?

-Well, he did a few, yeah.

-And he got too excited at Old Trafford a few years ago when I was at Portsmouth.

-Yeah.

And we beat 'em, we beat Man United in the quarterfinals of the cup at Old Trafford.

And at Arsenal, he got... When I think we drew 4-4 at Arsenal that day, you remember that?

-You don't remember that game?

-No, no, no.

I think he was jumping up and down a bit there, so I think they took him off...off my games, yeah.

-Could you give...?

-Jamie's ridiculous though.

When... Cos we work with Jamie quite a lot

and whoever you're managing, if they're playing when we're shooting A League of Their Own,

-his mood is only dependent on whether you're winning or not.

-I know.

And do you remember one time, I think it was when you were Tottenham manager

and you lost quite a big game.

That doesn't narrow it down probably. It was, um...

-And...he just shut down.

-Yeah.

He didn't speak for like a whole section of the show, he was just like this.

Like we're all trying to keep it light and funny, he's just going...

-That's really sweet though.

-I went over in the break and went, "Jamie what's going on?

-"You haven't spoken for like half an hour."

-Yeah.

"Oh, Tottenham lost, didn't they?"

I went, "Yes, your dad's had a bad day at work".

It is amazing watching football with him though,

cos Jeff Stelling's snuck me into Old Trafford a few times with Jamie.

With Jamie, Jamie Carragher and Red Nev.

And it's just fascinating watching those guys watch the football.

It's the way to do it. I mean, they've got the action replays straightaway and...the tactics.

-They're so astute, it's quite fascinating.

-I love watching Merson

on that programme with Jeff Stelling because I know...

Mers played for me at Portsmouth and he likes a bet occasionally.

And I know, I can tell, he's watching the game,

he may be doing Southampton...Arsenal,

but he's had a bet on the game next door. LAUGHTER

-So he's not watching, he ain't got a clue what's happening.

-He's had...

he's had like whatever he's getting for the day,

he's had the lot on the game next door and he's watching that screen.

And he's kicking every ball and they go back, "What's happening, Mers?"

-He goes, "Oh, er..." and he ain't got a clue.

-LAUGHTER

Sorry to interrupt. Harry, you've obviously got a very, very attractive wife, haven't you?

HARRY LAUGHS I mean looking at that picture up there.

< You're not wrong.

- But then again, so have you. - Well, yes.

-Fair enough.

-Damn straight. Have you met Hilary?

Yeah, I've met Hilary, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Fit.

-Don't call my mum fit.

Why? It's the greatest compliment I can pay her, Jack.

She's... I'll tell you what she is, she's open.

LAUGHTER

-Not like that! Mentally.

-No, I would agree.

-Don't agree with him!

He's just called your wife "open" on national television.

Spiritually! She's spiritually open, she's virile, she's athletic.

-Yeah. No, I agree.

-Everything about her says...she goes like a train.

-LAUGHTER

And that is the greatest compliment I can pay your wife.

-Well, it's the great thing about having a young wife too.

-Yeah.

-Although she's not as young obviously as she was when I married her.

-Sure.

-But what she's got for me at my age is stamina.

-Damn straight.

-LAUGHTER

-OK...so moving on.

Does anyone know what this is?

-No.

-This... Do you remember after the last World Cup

-everyone's favourite thing about the World Cup in South Africa was the vuvuzela?

-Yes.

-I loved that, yeah.

-Not if you were in the stadium sitting next to 'em.

-They were noise.

-They were so annoying weren't they?

-Unbelievable.

This is the Brazilians' answer to the vuvuzela.

It's called a cac-irola... That's not pronounced right.

No, I got you all one. A caxirola.

-Caxirola.

-We've got these.

-Oh, an England one!

So there's an England one and a Brazil one.

Father, you take that there.

-Although you could just use your pill pot if you...

-LAUGHTER

-But these are going to be at all the games.

-To be given out in the stadium?

-To be given out in the stadiums to all the fans.

-Yeah, good one. I can't think of...

-I can't think of anything better to throw at footballers.

-LAUGHTER

In fact, what should we give 100,000 football fans?

-Yeah, something that looks like a grenade.

-LAUGHTER

That would be good.

Show us how you use it, Jack.

Quite camp. LAUGHTER

Yes? Yeah. APPLAUSE

Uh-huh

Yeah.

And it's not the only thing that they're bringing in,

there's going to be quite a lot of new stuff that we're going to be seeing at the World Cup.

Especially for the referees.

They're going to have goal-line technology, that's being used for the first time at a World Cup,

where each of the referees will be given a watch that vibrates if the ball crosses the line,

which has been trialled very successfully in the Premier League

and all the leagues in Europe, other than the German league,

in the Bundesliga where they didn't use it.

And then in the FA Cup Final, a ball went in over the line and it wasn't given by the referee, so...

That's very German that, isn't it?

I mean, they've...never respected people's borders, have they?

LAUGHTER Can I say that, do you think?

What you've got over there is another thing that referees are going to have in Brazil,

-which is this...

-This?

-Yeah, which is the vanishing spray. Have you seen this?

Where referees will have it and it sprays a line on the pitch that vanishes within a minute,

so that the walls don't creep forward at free kicks.

-So they spray it on the grass.

-They'll spray it on the grass.

If the players step on that line, and then you can see if it's ten yards or not?

-Yeah, and then the line disappears in a minute.

-So why does it disappear? What's it made of?

I think it's water-based, so it doesn't last for very long.

I do think though that men are men and they always will be men throughout the history of time,

they're just men, and whoever a man is, anywhere in the world, from whatever class,

give them a can of spray paint or a doodle pad in a meeting and they cannot stop themselves.

They cannot stop themselves just going....

-"Yeah, dude."

-LAUGHTER

Oh, very artistic.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a lovely...

LAUGHTER

What do you call that?

It's a penis, Rachel. That's what it is.

When's it going to fade?

LAUGHTER

RACHEL LAUGHS

It's definite.... Has it been a minute?

That's just a prop?

LAUGHTER

Oh, I see so...

Are you joking?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-This isn't even a real watch!

-LAUGHTER

It's got a bit of tape over it. Are these real?

Yeah, these are real. These are real, but these are just props,

-cos they couldn't get them for the show.

-LAUGHTER

That's properly covered. Sorry, imagine if we didn't have a carpet...

you would have just vandalised the set with a massive penis.

Might have been quite weird if we'd cut it out of the show,

then all of a sudden just a cock appears on the floor.

Michael Whitehall's Banksy!

LAUGHTER

OK, we'll carry on. So, Rachel, as you're very good at maths, here's a conundrum for you.

How does this equal 30 million?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Show...show your working.

Yeah, I think it might have gone down a little bit this year.

-Rachel...Countdown.

-Yeah.

-You do Countdown.

-I do do Countdown.

-And...I'm a massive fan of Countdown.

As we all know though, I'm not the usual fan of Countdown,

because Countdown delights many, many a sweet old dear.

-Here you are with one such sweet old dear. What's this?

-RACHEL LAUGHS

-What was Giggsie doing in the studio?

-That was amazing.

That was...last year. I'd done 1,000 shows and I didn't realise it was my 1,000th show

and Nick Hewer, who presents it, said at the end of the show,

"We wanted to get someone special in for you, who's made 1,000 appearances."

And they know I'm a massive United fan and Giggsie appeared with...

That's the year I was born, it's signed by the players and a massive bouquet of flowers and...

Do you think he's done the right thing keeping Ryan Giggs as assistant manager

-and keeping the class of '92?

-Oh, I think for the fans.

Having the class of '92 for the last four games was brilliant.

I mean, Giggsie was in the first team when I was five years old,

so he is Man United, he's been at Old Trafford since he was 16.

Very important to have a good assistant when you're managing.

Harry, you've worked with some of the best assistant coaches in the game.

-This was you...at Soccer Aid.

-LAUGHTER

That was my best coach. Fantastic!

-It looks like you're going in for the kiss.

-LAUGHTER

That was me just saying, "Go on, meet me halfway."

LAUGHTER

-I loved it so much...to go and be his assistant coach.

-We had a great time.

-It was brilliant, it was fantastic. I didn't do much coaching.

-No.

-I mostly just used to tell Harry who people were.

-LAUGHTER

-Who's that bloke?

-Was it intimidating though being with all the footballers...

-in their dressing room?

-Yeah, but I wasn't really part of the team, I was on the coaching staff.

-So we very much, you know, we like to keep our distance from the squad, you know.

-Yeah.

Cos you've got to make some harsh decisions, Jack,

you've got to drop players, you've got to... You can't befriend them.

But the weirdest thing for me is because I'm... Like most men,

being in a changing room and getting changed

is something I a) dread and b) try and do as quickly as I can. Do you know what I mean?

Like when you're...in a changing room and you've got to...

to do that moment when you take off your pants and put on your swimming trunks.

-If you were the coach, why were you taking your pants off?

-LAUGHTER

-Cos I didn't arrive in my kit, I arrived in regular clothes.

-OK, right.

And then would get changed at training and...

But Harry, obviously, grew up, you know, a professional footballer,

-he's always in changing rooms, so from the age of...

-RACHEL LAUGHS

..from the age of, like, I don't know, 14, 15 whatever,

he's just been happily just getting naked in front of other men,

which is not something I do. So...one thing I really remember is, like, if Harry's me there

and I'm Harry now and we're in this quite small dressing room... Who was that mate of yours that came down?

-Clive. Clive Tyrrell.

-So Clive's where Rachel is, Harry's me,

and this is Harry and we're talking. I'm sat down doing my boots up.

-And he just went, "Yeah, no, and that's the thing, James."

-LAUGHTER

-It's just...

-LAUGHTER

You know, you don't know which way to turn, right? So I'm sat going...

I'm literally going like this, "This is Harry Redknapp's penis."

-LAUGHTER

-"I'm staring at Harry Redknapp's penis."

Not a lot...not a lot to look at, really.

-LAUGHTER

-Not true, it is a beautiful shaft.

-LAUGHTER

-But then the worst thing was...

-He drew it from memory.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The worst thing was, I'm like...

Most men like me, you think, "Right, I'm going to take my pants off now

"and I have to put these shorts on." So you do a very quick...

You go down, back up and then you're back round.

And that's how every man does it. Not Redknapp.

He's down and then he's just looking around...for where his shorts were,

and they're on a bench here, so instead of doing this and putting them on,

Harry went, "No and that's the thing..."

LAUGHTER

It was right there, right there, the essence of Redknapp.

-Rachel, if we could go back to Countdown for a minute.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You recently had my father on the show.

-We did, yes.

-You did indeed.

-A brilliant raconteur akin to Peter Ustinov.

No, I loved... I mean, it was one of the most exciting things I've done.

And I'm hoping... Cos, as you know, Nick is a great friend of mine...

-and he's very fond of you, incidentally.

-He's lovely, Nick.

I mean, probably slightly fonder of you than you realise.

LAUGHTER But he's...

Anyway, that's for another time, but...

-No, I think it's for now.

-No, I think it's for never.

But I would really love to get back on to Countdown.

I haven't been asked. There was a lot of talk at the end of the show,

they said, "We'd love you to come back."

So what I've done, you don't know this...

-OK...

-No, just a minute.

-We're talking about the World Cup.

What I've done is, I've taken some people off the production.

I mean, he's got so many people working for him and they've got nothing to do.

And he's got all these gag writers. Well, what have they been doing?

LAUGHTER

So I've taken several people off, and just put this little film together for you to see.

-OK.

-And hopefully take sort of good thoughts back up to Manchester.

-So, are you after Nick's job or more Dictionary Corner action?

-It's interesting you've said that.

I wasn't going to say that, but maybe for the... At the moment, I'm happy in Dictionary Corner.

-I mean, we could just talk about the World Cup.

-We could do that. LAUGHTER

I mean, if you don't want to show my little film, that's entirely up to you.

-Your little film?

-I want to see it.

-Would you like to see it?

-We want to see it, right?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-Me and Harry want to talk about the World Cup.

-Play the film!

LAUGHTER

There's someone here this evening who for some time

it has been his dream to get that slot on Dictionary Corner.

-What? Daddy?

-Yeah.

-Could you say here tonight that that is a possibility?

-He's ON the list.

-Ooh!

-You are on the list, Michael.

-On the list!

-Yep.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yep.

Just, I think, three or four places just below...Biggins.

LAUGHTER

TICKING

It's the great Michael Whitehall.

What have you got for us today by way of an anecdote from this extraordinary life of yours?

-..a little bit of nonsense from my early days.

-Lovely story.

You know who I'm talking about? Mary Poppins.

And I chatted to Lady Thatcher and then it was time to go.

"And it is complimentary, isn't it?"

Laurence Olivier would ring me and said, "You've got to get me out of this job."

Very good.

HONKING

FIREMAN

-I could only get seven, SYRINGE.

-Yes.

Old fogeys, that's what you and I are, Nick. SUSIE LAUGHS

-Very old fogeys.

-Got an eight here,

VIOLATES

ORGIES LAUGHTER

Michael, it's been a great pleasure having you here. Tremendous.

-Hugely enjoyed it.

-Have you?

-Oh, dreading not being here next week.

APPLAUSE

That was so weird.

It's absolutely clear why you haven't been invited back on.

You are... No, you're too much of a threat to Hewer.

-Well...

-He can't bear it.

-Obviously, it's crossed my mind.

Can you stop talking about Countdown?

-Harry, I want to ask you, you played football yourself.

-Yeah.

How different is the modern footballer to when you played football?

-Oh, look at that.

-Oh, look.

-That...

Completely different. Completely different game. It's...

Was it like pints at half-time, ciggies after the game?

No, no ciggies, I think there's more footballers that probably smoke now

than did in that day, cos we've got more foreign players.

-The foreign players smoke, lots of foreign footballers smoke.

-Yeah.

Drink? No, they don't drink, we used to drink.

I mean it was... When I played at West Ham back in the '60s and early '70s,

we would be round the Black Lion pub in Plaistow before the crowd had come out of the ground.

I mean, that was... Half past five the pub would be packed,

-we'd all be in, every player. You know, Bobby Moore, everybody, the whole team, all our mates.

-Really?

The music would be going, back in the '60s, there'd be fantastic food, all lovely looking barmaids.

And we'd be there to half past eight, nine o'clock at night,

and then we'd go home and tell the wife that...

You know, they thought we were playing away from home somewhere.

-LAUGHTER

-And you were.

My wife thought Arsenal...

My wife thought Arsenal was in the northeast of England, you know.

Harry Redknapp, in honour of you coming on the show, Harry,

Michael and I decided to give football management a go.

We decided to take on a struggling pub team. Unfortunately, Sam Allardyce

was still in charge of West Ham at the time of filming,

so instead we took the reins of AFC Wandsworth, a team who hadn't won a game all season.

Here's how we got on.

Why are you wearing that terrible outfit?

You look like one of those people selling dusters at the doors.

-You look terrible.

-Shut up, it's sportswear.

Look, I'll be the manager, you're going to be the assistant.

So it's kind of good cop, bad cop.

You can be the disciplinarian, whatever, but I'm going to be there encouraging the team.

-You need discipline.

-A bit of discipline.

-When I was at school, you know I went to that Catholic school?

-Yes.

The man in charge of rugby was a ruthless disciplinarian

and if you fucked about with him,

-after the match in the showers, bugger you senseless.

-Right.

Yeah, I mean, we'll probably swerve that as a management method.

-Nice to see you've dressed for the occasion.

-Yes, of course.

-Why are you wearing a hat?

-Because managers wear hats.

-What's in the bag?

-It's a surprise.

This is the team.

-They're children.

-Yes, they're children.

-It's the Wandsworth Colts, Under-13s.

-Right, great.

So that's my surprise ruined, then.

-Your mother made these up. Football shirts, look.

-Right, OK that's not...

What?! Well, they're no good now cos they're too big.

Right. Kids, guys, everyone.

-Can you all come in.

-Fall in, now!

Right, we're not in the army.

So, hello, AFC Wandsworth.

I am Jack and this is my assistant.

-Introduce yourself.

-Mr Whitehall.

So we're going to play very simple tactics, keep it easy.

4-4-2. Strikers, I want lots of shots, test the goalkeeper, remember keep your head over the ball.

Who's ready? Anything you want to add?

Just a cautionary tale. When I was at a Catholic boarding school...

Right, OK. Right, everyone on their feet, everyone up on their feet.

Not appropriate.

Come on Wandsworth!

Why has one of the mothers got on the pitch?

-What?

-There's a woman, a mother over there.

-That's the referee.

-Referee?! What, a woman referee?!

-Yes, it's 2014.

Ridiculous!

Oh, God!

-APPLAUSE

-Come on Wandsworth!

-Un-fucking-believable!

-Shut up!

Number four, if you don't start running, I'm going to pull you off.

-Do you want to get put on the sex offenders' register?

-No. WHISTLE

We will lose this game if we let our heads drop,

so in the second half I want you to win every tackle,

I want you to crunch into them and we are going to win this game!

-Right, Daddy, over to you.

-Hands up who knows who Margaret Thatcher is.

"If our people feel that they are part of a great nation

"and they are prepared to will the means to keep it great,

"a great nation we shall be and shall remain.

"You turn if you want to, the lady's not for turning."

Right, OK, let's get back out onto the pitch.

Well, if that hasn't done the trick, I don't know what will.

Come on, guys, close him down.

Tackle!

Tackle!

So what's the score now? Is it four, five? I've lost count.

5-0. Why don't YOU go on?

-Why would I...?

-Well, they're playing an adult,

why don't you go on? Player manager, maybe you'd score a goal.

Mind you, knowing you, you probably wouldn't score either.

I could easily score against these kids.

-Couldn't score in a brothel.

-Well, I...

I could definitely score against a group of 13-year-olds.

All right, well, then go on and score five goals.

Fine.

Yep, I'm free! Free!

Come on, Jack!

-You're not a girl.

-Right, stop shouting at me!

Come on, just get stuck in, Jack.

Yes, I'm trying to! Stop shouting at me.

Go on, Jack. Oh, oh!

Jack, I have to say you're an utter embarrassment.

I don't know what to say.

APPLAUSE

Harry, what did you make of that tough approach to management that my father adopted?

-I don't know if you'd get away with that tough approach nowadays, Jack.

-No?

The players... No, years ago you could have done, but they...

-They need to be looked after and mollycoddled.

-They have to be mollycoddled a little bit now, mate,

you can't give 'em too much grief.

What even the tough ones? Like, if Joey Barton's had a bad game, do you need to...?

No, you just say, "Well done, Joey."

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

You don't want to upset Joey, really, do you? LAUGHTER

No, he's a good lad. He's been great.

Do you ever get like...?

You ever see a fan on the street that gives you shit for...?

Not really, Jack, no.

People are normally, you know... I mean, you saw, who was it?

-Who was it the other day? Tim Sherwood.

-Yeah.

He brought the fan out of the crowd, because the guy was giving him a bit of grief,

he put him in his seat and let him be the manager for five minutes, you know.

Did you ever think of doing that when you were at Spurs?

Well, I brought a guy on to play, didn't I? I brought a guy on to play one day.

-A West Ham fan.

-From the crowd?

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

-Brought him out of the crowd.

-A pre-season friendly.

-Pre-season down at Oxford.

He kept moaning about Lee Chapman,

he wouldn't leave me alone this guy all through the first half.

"Harry, we ain't got that Chapman up front again this year, have we?

"Get rid of him he's useless. Bloody useless. Harry..."

Then I put all the subs on, had no more subs, at half-time I put like five subs on,

it was only a pre-season friendly, and so suddenly we got an injury.

So I've only got ten men. So I turn to this guy who was stood next to the dugout,

he was still giving me all this grief. I went "Oi, big mouth, can you play as good as you talk?"

He went, "I'm better than that Chapman."

I said, "Come on then, get your gear on." He said, "What?!"

I said, "You're playing. Come on, let's see you play."

The guy comes down from the tannoy system, he says, "Harry who's the sub coming on?"

He wants to announce it on the... I said, "Who's the sub?!

"Haven't you been watching the World Cup?

"Tichyshyef the Bulgarian striker?"

LAUGHTER I swear to God, he went, "I thought it was him."

LAUGHTER

So he come on and played up front, he scored,

and to be honest he was better than Chapman.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rachel you played football at university?

Yeah, I started playing at uni. We did quite well and then I joined a Sunday League team

-when I got home from Uni as well, which was a different kettle of fish.

-Oh, well.

I was better with my head than my feet.

-And do you still play football?

-No.

I joined a Sunday League team when I came home, but it was...

it was more like have a pint at half-time and a cigarette,

-so it was less what I was into, I wanted to play football.

-Yeah.

-You'd like to be the manager of that team, Jack.

-That' be interesting.

-Yeah.

You wouldn't be able to do any of your changing room routines, would you?

LAUGHTER

We found, actually, a picture of you as a young man,

-cos I had no idea that you had any sporting history at all.

-I didn't. I don't.

Well we managed to find one. My mum dug this out.

-This is... That's terrible quality.

-It is.

I think it might be cos it's from a tapestry.

LAUGHTER

You can see it better on the screen, that's Michael as a young man in...

It's when I was teaching, it wasn't me at school.

I was a prep school teacher for a couple of terms.

That's not what it said on the back of the photo when Mummy dug it out.

It actually said that that was you

at half-time of that game they played in the trenches on Christmas Day.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, Hilary.

-Oh, God, she's...

-She's also got a great sense of humour.

She has. She has.

That's the thing you miss cos you're so struck by the specimen.

-Yeah, there was always a lot of laughter coming from our bedroom wasn't there, Jack?

-Yeah.

-When you were a child.

-Yeah, I bet.

Especially when she's on the old vuvuzela.

LAUGHTER

I feel on this show so far we've been quite England heavy all night

and it's time for a little bit of balance.

The guy that I'm about to bring out is not only one of the country's finest comedians,

he's absolutely hilarious, but he's also just come back from a road trip through Brazil and South America.

So would you please welcome German comedy ambassador, Henning Wehn!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming on.

Hello, nice to meet you.

So, Henning, you are a big German football aficionado,

can Germany end 18 years of hurt?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's not only that,

we haven't even been to a final of a major tournament now for the best part of 72 months.

-So...all those days of hurt.

-LAUGHTER

Er... No, what can I say?

At this stage, well, there is 32 teams still in the competition

and they've all got as good a chance as each other of winning it.

And, in a way, winning the World Cup is fairly straightforward,

all you have to do is stay undefeated for seven games and then you've won the thing.

LAUGHTER

What would you say the major difference is

between English fans approaching the World Cup and German fans?

Well, this time round, actually, I think we're very similar

as we both haven't got too much hope of winning the thing.

And probably it's enjoyed differently

and that has a lot to do with what's happening on the pitch.

So if your team's winning, obviously you enjoy watching it.

If the team isn't winning, then it's obviously an horrific month.

I went to see a friendly, England versus Germany at Wembley,

I think we went 1-0 ahead and lost 3-1,

but the German fans were singing banter at us in English.

That's the difference, we're never going to be able to speak anybody else's language

to give them banter, but the German banter...

So, you're saying it's the bilinguality that's the secret of my team?

The secret of your success. Do you think England fans bang on about the victory in 1966 too much?

Well, there is little else they CAN bang on about.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Harry, you played with some of the West Ham team that played in the World Cup in...

We had three players played in that World Cup winning team, yeah. Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst, Martin Peters.

So was your... Were West Ham amazing?

-Did you win every...every game?

-Well, we had those three lads,

as I say they played in the final of the World Cup,

we had Bobby Ferguson in goal,

the most expensive goalkeeper in the world.

We had Billy Bonds. And our average finishing position was 16th.

So it only goes to show you just how crap the other four of us must have been.

LAUGHTER

Henning, you've just come back from Brazil, you did a road trip?

-Hmm.

-A series for Dave?

Did they welcome you with open arms?

Yeah, I would say so. They was...

I mean, I met quite a few former footballers like Zamorano

-and...Rivelino and what have you.

-Rivelino, fantastic.

And the one that was the maddest one was one of your old lot, Javier Margas.

Oh, no! You found him, did you?

-Yeah!

-Don't.

-Are you still... Are you looking for him?

-Yeah!

-I can give you his address.

-I signed a...

Yeah, he's a Chilean international and he was a good player

and I signed him. He came to West Ham, Margas, he was the captain of Chile.

I went to the World Cup, watched him play three times in the World Cup, he was fantastic.

He played at Wembley against England.

Came over, he was only here three weeks.

He came over, we gave him... We put him in a house out in Chelmsford somewhere,

gave him a car, he didn't speak a word of English.

He ends up getting in the car, comes to the training ground,

he ends up going the wrong way, ends up 100 miles away from the training ground somewhere, the poor fella.

His wife's cried all day, the next thing he wants to go home.

He ends up in a hotel, we put him in a hotel, try...

We go to meet him to talk to him about, "Look, please, you know, things will get better."

Go to his room, the window's open,

he's jumped out the second floor window on to the...and disappeared.

We never found him again. LAUGHTER

-He went back to Chile.

-What he went back to fucking Chile?!

-He went back to Chile!

I'm still looking for him, that was 20-odd years ago.

-And you found him.

-You'll be pleased to know, he's now running a chain of sex motels.

LAUGHTER Is he really?

Yeah, he is.

The best thing that I learnt though from watching your show

is the thing about the Uruguayan player in the 1930 World Cup final

who played and won the World Cup and he only had one arm.

Yeah, but a bigger achievement would have been if he only had one leg.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you try not to touch the ball anyway, so...

That's him, he was in the World Cup final and he only had one arm.

Well, it's an interesting story, it's like the Chilean Figueroa who was...

Well, he was one of the big stars of them in the late '60s.

When he was young he had polio and so, if you then look at back in the day,

people had health conditions they had to overcome and could still make it as professional footballers.

So in these days, I mean...

Sorry, but I've just noticed that picture.

It looks like that man with the hat's only got one arm as well.

As you sure it's not a match of people with one arm?

LAUGHTER

His is just hidden underneath his body, that's the man with one arm.

So, you reckon it's a photo from the Paralympics?

Well, I wasn't going to say that, but...

-Why would we have faked a photograph and...

-It's a bit pre-Paralympics, probably.

No, it's actually a very sad story, how he lost his arm, it was...

it was bitten off by Luis Suarez's great-great-grandfather.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-So one final question.

I want to get predictions from everyone about the World Cup.

I'm going to ask you the same question Jamie Redknapp asked me on the League of Their Own wrap party.

Who do you think is most likely to go all the way?

LAUGHTER

Harry?

I'd have to fancy Argentina.

-Rachel?

-Erm, I think Spain are on a roll, I'll go Spain again.

Someone's going to have to say England. Come on, James, patriotic.

-I think Brazil will win the World Cup.

-Brazil?

-Yeah.

-Henning?

-Yeah, I do it like every good football pundit does it.

Yeah, Brazil they're at home.

Argentina they've got a good team. Never write off the Germans.

The Spanish they had shown in the past they can do it. Iran have got different threats

and North Korea they're a bit dark horses.

Yeah, and then just rattle through all 32.

-Have you not mentioned England?

-Huh?

-Have you still not mentioned England?

Oh, yeah, England. They've shown in the past that they can do it,

-so...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Father.

-You don't need to ask me.

-Why?

-Well, England, of course.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you.

Thank you to all of my guests tonight,

Henning Wehn, Rachel Riley, James Corden and Harry Redknapp.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Now, here is something very special for you.

Father, get ready for an experience.

The sizzling passion of a Rio carnival in all its pulsating, rhythmic splendour.

Here to play out the show and samba us out,

please welcome out very own Backchat Brazilian dancers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BRAZILIAN PERCUSSIVE MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE