Father's Day Special Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS


Father's Day Special

Jack Whitehall and his father Michael return for a special Father's Day edition of their comedy chat show, joined by Jonathan Ross, Judy Murray, Mo Farah and Nev Wilshire.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Father's Day Special. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:08

APPLAUSE

0:00:120:00:15

Good evening and welcome to our Father's Day special of Backchat.

0:00:240:00:28

-Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

-Yeah.

0:00:280:00:31

-Are you feeling in good Father's Day spirits?

-Mm-hm.

-Good.

0:00:320:00:36

-Do you like your balloons?

-No.

0:00:360:00:38

-What is all this, 'Dad'? I'm not a 'Dad'.

-Best dad ever.

0:00:390:00:44

-I'm not... I've never been a 'Dad'.

-You are my dad.

0:00:440:00:46

Sometimes I wish you weren't but you are my dad.

0:00:460:00:49

But I don't answer to 'Dad'.

0:00:490:00:52

I'm your father or sir, maybe.

0:00:520:00:56

Sir, well, I mean it is quite hard to find shops that sell

0:00:560:00:59

balloons that say, 'Best Sir Ever'.

0:00:590:01:02

Next Father's' Day, I will look for those.

0:01:020:01:04

To be honest, I'm not sure about Father's Day at all.

0:01:040:01:06

Mother's Day I understand. That is a very important day to have.

0:01:060:01:09

We have to look after our mothers.

0:01:090:01:11

But Father's Day is basically just me gifting you a pair of socks

0:01:110:01:14

in return for you giving me intimacy issues and low-hanging balls.

0:01:140:01:18

That's all Father's Day is.

0:01:180:01:20

-You know why you don't like

-Father's Day. Why?

0:01:200:01:23

Because you've had one night stands with so many women

0:01:230:01:27

across the country, and indeed in Europe, but you are

0:01:270:01:30

always terrified that Father's Day will arrive one day

0:01:300:01:34

and on your breakfast tray will be a card

0:01:340:01:38

and when you open the card it will say, "Dear Daddy, love Pedro."

0:01:380:01:43

LAUGHTER

0:01:430:01:45

Erm... On with the show.

0:01:460:01:49

Later on, we are going to be chatting to Olympic gold

0:01:490:01:51

medal winner and reigning celebrity Father Of The Year, Mo Farah,

0:01:510:01:54

as well as everyone's favourite call centre boss, Nev.

0:01:540:01:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:590:02:02

Would you please welcome our first guest tonight?

0:02:070:02:09

It's the king of the chat show

0:02:090:02:11

and the queen of Centre Court, Jonathan Ross and Judy Murray.

0:02:110:02:15

APPLAUSE

0:02:150:02:17

How are you doing? All right?

0:02:270:02:29

Very lovely to see you.

0:02:320:02:33

Lovely to meet you.

0:02:330:02:35

Thank you very much for coming on the show,

0:02:380:02:40

Judy Murray, Jonathan Ross.

0:02:400:02:42

Now, Jonathan, this is a Father's Day special. You are a father.

0:02:420:02:45

What type of father are you?

0:02:450:02:47

When my kids, I've got three kids, when they were young,

0:02:470:02:50

I like to think I was quite a devoted father.

0:02:500:02:52

I was there for them. I made sure they dressed for school.

0:02:520:02:54

I sat through any number of interminable,

0:02:540:02:57

boring school plays and musicals. And bunches of kids, mine

0:02:570:03:00

and others, performed and ruined many great works of art.

0:03:000:03:03

Now they've grown-up, I like to think that I'm a disinterested

0:03:030:03:05

and distant father.

0:03:050:03:07

I sometimes pick up the phone when it's them

0:03:070:03:09

and if I'm not going to pick it up, I at least let it ring out

0:03:090:03:11

so they don't know I'm just saying no.

0:03:110:03:13

I am there if they need me.

0:03:130:03:16

But I think when your kids are growing up, especially when they are in their early 20s

0:03:160:03:20

and they are at university and stuff, you've got to give them freedom, you've got to let them

0:03:200:03:24

become the people they are going to become,

0:03:240:03:26

and not try and police them and affect their behaviour too much.

0:03:260:03:29

Judy. Wimbledon - just around the corner.

0:03:290:03:31

If Andy wins this time, is he going to remember to hug you?

0:03:310:03:36

He'd better.

0:03:360:03:38

You are famous for getting very behind Andy in the matches.

0:03:380:03:41

Does he like being cheered on - by having Mum there?

0:03:410:03:45

I don't go so often now but I mean, when he was growing up and for

0:03:450:03:49

pretty much all of his career, you are the person that's there.

0:03:490:03:55

It's an individual sport. It's up to the parent to make things happen,

0:03:550:03:58

create the opportunities for their kids.

0:03:580:04:01

So he's used to me being there and I would say that whenever

0:04:010:04:05

he would look at you during a match,

0:04:050:04:07

whether he's 12 years old or 25 years old,

0:04:070:04:10

he wants to see some kind of positive reaction

0:04:100:04:12

-and sometimes my reactions would go a wee bit over the top...

-Really?

0:04:120:04:16

Yeah, really.

0:04:160:04:17

So, I just go in this zone where I just pretty much have my eyes

0:04:170:04:22

trained on him the whole time.

0:04:220:04:24

-I've been very supportive of you at school.

-No, you weren't.

0:04:240:04:27

He got sent off on one of my matches once.

0:04:270:04:31

Imagine, Judy, I had to go and watch him be terrible in all his sports.

0:04:310:04:35

At least you had a talented son. I had to go and watch him...

0:04:350:04:39

I mean, those football matches.

0:04:390:04:41

He got sent off at a football match... You did.

0:04:410:04:44

When you say "sent off", I wasn't on the pitch.

0:04:440:04:46

You hurled obscenities at one of the teachers -

0:04:460:04:48

my games master, Mr Blenkinsop.

0:04:480:04:49

Blenkinsop was a total dick. You know he was.

0:04:490:04:52

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:04:520:04:56

-He was never allowed to come and see under nines football ever again.

-No.

0:04:580:05:02

This year, going back for Andy,

0:05:020:05:04

do you think there is more pressure as a returning champion?

0:05:040:05:07

Is some of the pressure taken off now that he's done it?

0:05:070:05:11

It's a tough one.

0:05:110:05:13

In some ways, the pressure is off because he has won it

0:05:130:05:16

but on the other hand, you're defending something, it's yours now.

0:05:160:05:20

You work so hard and it is your dream and your goal and there's

0:05:200:05:24

so much about the challenge and the fight to get there.

0:05:240:05:27

Suddenly, you've got it

0:05:270:05:28

and everybody is trying to take it away from you.

0:05:280:05:30

It's quite a different mindset.

0:05:300:05:32

-Do you play tennis? You're too thin and weedy...

-Shut up.

0:05:320:05:35

I'm really good at tennis. I played a lot of sport.

0:05:350:05:37

I was a very keen sportsman. People think I'm bad at sport

0:05:370:05:40

because I obviously look like I'm bad at sport.

0:05:400:05:42

-But I'm surprisingly good.

-I saw you playing tennis once.

0:05:420:05:46

And I have to say that you were very, very elegant

0:05:460:05:49

but I did have to stand on the balcony for a very

0:05:490:05:52

long time before you got one over the net.

0:05:520:05:54

But that's cos... That's where we first...

0:05:550:05:57

Well, we didn't even meet actually, you were just observing from afar.

0:05:570:06:00

You're making it sound like a date.

0:06:000:06:03

I do feel like it was a special first meeting.

0:06:030:06:05

And you were there, on the balcony, and I was playing tennis.

0:06:050:06:08

HE LAUGHS

0:06:080:06:10

-What was that?!

-As soon as I did that mime, I felt...

0:06:100:06:13

I was playing, you know, tennis and then someone said,

0:06:130:06:16

"Judy Murray is watching you."

0:06:160:06:18

I completely fell apart.

0:06:180:06:20

-You were definitely flirting. He was flirting.

-He was.

0:06:200:06:22

And that's inappropriate.

0:06:220:06:23

A man of your age, a boy who looks like you,

0:06:230:06:26

flirting with an attractive older woman. It's embarrassing.

0:06:260:06:29

But Judy, you have a very alluring presence.

0:06:290:06:32

Are we having a Mrs Robinson moment here?

0:06:320:06:35

LAUGHTER

0:06:350:06:38

-You know!

-Let's have both hands on the desk, please!

0:06:380:06:42

LAUGHTER

0:06:420:06:44

That's the thing, like, I mean...

0:06:440:06:46

-Why has your voice got so high?

-Shut up!

0:06:460:06:49

You're making me nervous! I, I, cos we're not...

0:06:490:06:53

LAUGHTER

0:06:530:06:57

What I was trying to do is I was trying to pay Judy a compliment

0:06:570:07:00

and this is... No, you've made me really conscious. When...

0:07:000:07:03

-Change the subject then.

-OK.

0:07:030:07:05

LAUGHTER

0:07:050:07:08

Um... Do Jamie and Andy enjoy playing doubles together?

0:07:080:07:12

LAUGHTER

0:07:120:07:15

No, no, I'm going to man-up.

0:07:150:07:18

What I was going to say is that when we first saw you on television

0:07:180:07:20

all those years ago when Andy first broke through, I think

0:07:200:07:23

people's public perception of you was different.

0:07:230:07:25

We thought...there is Judy Murray,

0:07:250:07:27

she's a tough cookie, she's a trainer.

0:07:270:07:29

-You don't want to mess with her.

-No, you do.

0:07:290:07:32

LAUGHTER

0:07:320:07:34

-APPLAUSE

-This is what I mean.

0:07:340:07:38

You do do quite a bit of flirting with some of Andy's opponents.

0:07:400:07:45

-I admire them from a distance.

-Admire them from a distance!

0:07:450:07:49

There is one, there's one guy in particular.

0:07:490:07:51

Yeah, there's one in particular. His name is Feliciano Lopez.

0:07:510:07:55

-He's...

-We've got a picture.

-Ooh.

0:07:550:07:59

See, the ladies will understand why that's quite enjoyable to

0:07:590:08:03

-watch tennis when that's all going on.

-They don't play topless though.

0:08:030:08:07

They often practise topless so it's...

0:08:070:08:10

It's quite good to hang around the practice courts.

0:08:100:08:12

LAUGHTER

0:08:120:08:13

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Jack, but I don't know who that man is

0:08:130:08:17

but what I can tell you is he looks nothing remotely like you.

0:08:170:08:21

I... I have that, I have a very similar physique to that.

0:08:230:08:25

You have a nickname for him as well?

0:08:270:08:29

Yeah, I call him Deliciano for obvious reasons.

0:08:290:08:32

Deliciano Lopez. And have you met him?

0:08:320:08:34

Oh, yeah, I've met him.

0:08:340:08:36

Of course I have, I've known him for about seven years.

0:08:360:08:39

At Wimbledon two years ago, there's a German tennis player who I'm

0:08:390:08:43

pally with, a girl, and she sent me a tweet that said,

0:08:430:08:46

"Guess who I'm playing mixed doubles with at Wimbledon?"

0:08:460:08:49

And I went, "Oh, no, not Feli?"

0:08:490:08:51

And she said, "Yes. Would you like to coach us?"

0:08:510:08:53

So I said, "Not sure about that. Don't know

0:08:530:08:56

"if the boys would approve of that."

0:08:560:08:58

Actually didn't think my heart would stand it. And she said,

0:08:580:09:02

"Oh, go on, go on, we'll give you

0:09:020:09:05

"5% of the prize money and a photo of Feli."

0:09:050:09:08

And I said, "I'd rather have a photo

0:09:080:09:09

"of the prize money and 5% of Feli."

0:09:090:09:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:09:110:09:15

I mean, I... I kind of hate him now.

0:09:150:09:20

Now, Jonathan, you are a legend of chat shows.

0:09:220:09:25

-Thank you, Jack.

-MILD APPLAUSE

0:09:250:09:27

Yes, one person agrees.

0:09:270:09:29

No, no, I would agree too.

0:09:290:09:31

-Oh, thank you.

-Yes, you are, you're fantastic.

0:09:310:09:33

What would your one advice be?

0:09:330:09:35

What makes a great interviewer?

0:09:350:09:36

I'm excited to be here anyway,

0:09:360:09:38

because I've been in the business for a long time but I've

0:09:380:09:40

prided myself that when I see new talent that I admire,

0:09:400:09:43

I like to support it

0:09:430:09:44

to ideally be part of it, and when I see someone who I think is really

0:09:440:09:47

doing something new with the form, you know, it's exciting for me.

0:09:470:09:50

So to be here on your show, Michael, is a wonderful thing(!)

0:09:500:09:54

I thank you so much for having me because you are bringing something unique to it.

0:09:540:09:57

-Yes.

-And helping out those less fortunate than you.

0:09:570:10:00

-It's a marvellous, generous thing to do.

-Thank you very much, thank you.

0:10:000:10:03

But, no if you're doing an interview, research is the key of course.

0:10:030:10:06

Initially the building block you start with is research.

0:10:060:10:08

You make sure you know as much about your guests as possible. For example with Judy, did you...?

0:10:080:10:13

The questions were fine, but they... This is not a criticism as such, but they felt slightly superficial.

0:10:130:10:17

OK it was like very... There was no depth there.

0:10:170:10:19

Did you read Judy's autobiography before she came on the show?

0:10:190:10:23

-Yep.

-Did you read all of it or did you just skim read it?

-I read it, obviously,

0:10:230:10:26

because then that's how you do the questions.

0:10:260:10:28

OK, well, Judy, Judy, do you have an autobiography out?

0:10:280:10:31

-No.

-No.

0:10:310:10:32

LAUGHTER

0:10:320:10:35

-That was cruel.

-Already you've let yourself down.

0:10:370:10:40

But in terms of you as a father...

0:10:420:10:44

were you good at all the serious bits of fatherhood?

0:10:440:10:47

Like, I can't think of you

0:10:470:10:49

doing like the birds and the bees.

0:10:490:10:51

-Well...

-Did you do that or did you leave that for Jane?

0:10:510:10:54

No, I didn't really need to because the internet had come along,

0:10:540:10:58

so I think they probably knew more about it than I did.

0:10:580:11:00

No, I think Jane...

0:11:000:11:02

Jane did more of that. Jane is actually much more,

0:11:020:11:04

shall we say, bothered about them than I am.

0:11:040:11:07

I mean, you know, I'm kind of curious,

0:11:070:11:10

but she sort of actively wants to see them do well.

0:11:100:11:13

I just don't want them to fuck up publicly, you know?

0:11:130:11:16

And I feel like we've done a good job, you know, and

0:11:160:11:19

it's difficult, I know, and I know some people look at their children

0:11:190:11:22

and it's difficult for them to see, that they've put the hours in,

0:11:220:11:26

but it hasn't paid off, and I know Barnaby's a lovely son, isn't he?

0:11:260:11:30

-Barnaby's a good boy.

-Yes, I'm very proud of Barnaby.

0:11:300:11:32

But there's always one in the group who lets you down and it's a terrible thing.

0:11:320:11:36

Oh, dear. So Andy's played against some very big opponents,

0:11:360:11:41

but none bigger than this opponent.

0:11:410:11:43

Move aside R Fed, here he is with Overfed.

0:11:430:11:46

-Um...

-Ah.

0:11:460:11:48

Overfed!

0:11:490:11:51

Well, that's unkind of you.

0:11:510:11:53

I think that's very unkind.

0:11:530:11:54

I have some more, if you'd like some more.

0:11:540:11:57

I was seven months gone then and I still played tennis. That was pretty good.

0:11:570:12:00

John Big McEnroe And Fries. Billie Jean Burger King.

0:12:000:12:03

Fred Peri-Peri Chicken With All The Sides.

0:12:030:12:06

This is just a list of jokes you have.

0:12:060:12:09

Goran Can't-See-My-Knees-Evic.

0:12:090:12:11

LAUGHTER

0:12:110:12:14

-Come on...

-No, because the rest are really shit.

0:12:140:12:16

-Let's have a look at them.

-Those were the best ones.

0:12:160:12:18

OK, let's have a look what you've got.

0:12:180:12:20

Anna Korma-Kova.

0:12:200:12:23

How long...? You must have spent hours.

0:12:240:12:26

Rafa Noodles?

0:12:260:12:28

Ivan Lentil Dodger?

0:12:280:12:31

-That one's not very good.

-Oh, this one's terrible.

0:12:310:12:33

Venus Whale-Iams.

0:12:330:12:36

-Oh, yeah, like, whale.

-Yeah, I know what it was meant to be.

0:12:360:12:38

I was really proud of them.

0:12:400:12:41

Fat Rafter. I like that one.

0:12:410:12:44

-I've lost weight since then. I've lost a stone since then.

-I know, you look amazing.

0:12:450:12:49

And I got rid of the beard. I only had the beard to hide my fat face. And your face,

0:12:490:12:52

-you've lost that puppy fat. You could get rid of that now.

-No, shut up.

0:12:520:12:55

-You should get rid of the beard.

-I'm growing it because I'm...

0:12:550:12:58

It's for a part, that's why I've got it.

0:12:580:12:59

What are you playing? Rolf Harris? Just get rid of the beard.

0:12:590:13:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:13:020:13:04

Take the beard off. I'd like to see...

0:13:040:13:06

Wouldn't you like to see fresh-faced Jack?

0:13:060:13:08

-No.

-I'd love to see fresh-faced Jack.

0:13:080:13:10

-Stop it.

-I like the way you tilt your head when you ask

0:13:100:13:13

me the questions. You don't do that with Jonathan.

0:13:130:13:15

She's getting a bit flirty now.

0:13:150:13:17

No. Now I'm really conscious of doing the head thing and I just did it.

0:13:170:13:20

Judy, Judy do you find Jack attractive?

0:13:200:13:24

Yeah, he's quite cute.

0:13:240:13:25

And do you think maybe, I mean...?

0:13:250:13:27

-I said "quite".

-Quite cute.

0:13:270:13:29

You know, just if you were a long way from home, a bit bored

0:13:290:13:32

and wanted a plaything,

0:13:320:13:34

would you give him an evening of your time?

0:13:340:13:37

He's actually too old for me.

0:13:370:13:39

LAUGHTER

0:13:390:13:41

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

0:13:410:13:43

I would love to be your plaything.

0:13:460:13:48

Um... I want to talk, if I may, about your glamorous transformation?

0:13:480:13:54

Because you have undergone a glamorous transformation.

0:13:540:13:57

This is the Judy that we first knew.

0:13:570:14:00

-JUDY:

-Oh!

0:14:000:14:01

From trainer, to this, cougar. Oh, meow! Tartan just got sexy.

0:14:010:14:08

That is a beautiful outfit and we also know where that outfit

0:14:080:14:12

ended up. Mr Feliciano Lopez is responsible.

0:14:120:14:16

You have to be careful with tartan though, I will warn you of that.

0:14:160:14:20

Ah.

0:14:200:14:22

First BBC presenter to be arrested for historic crimes against fashion.

0:14:220:14:27

Now this is a bit left field. Judy, Jonathan, have you seen The Call Centre?

0:14:270:14:32

-I have seen it.

-No.

-No.

0:14:320:14:34

You didn't know what a call centre was

0:14:340:14:36

when I mentioned the show to you.

0:14:360:14:38

-No.

-Anyway to get you better acquainted with the show

0:14:380:14:42

and call centres, Nev kindly invited my father

0:14:420:14:46

and I to Swansea to put us through our paces and see if we could master

0:14:460:14:50

the art of flogging loft insulation to random strangers over the phone.

0:14:500:14:54

Here's how we got on.

0:14:540:14:56

So, where is it we're going then?

0:14:580:15:00

It's in Swansea.

0:15:000:15:02

-Oh, God, not Wales.

-It's lovely.

0:15:020:15:03

It's terrible, it's always raining.

0:15:030:15:05

I can never understand anything Welsh people say.

0:15:050:15:09

Well, I mean...

0:15:090:15:10

-Not that they ever have anything very interesting to say anyway, but..

-I mean...

0:15:100:15:14

I used to have a Welsh friend, very, very weird man he was.

0:15:140:15:17

He had a funny, you know, gammy eye.

0:15:170:15:20

One went that way and the other went the other way.

0:15:210:15:24

Can you just try and be nice for once?

0:15:240:15:26

I'm always nice.

0:15:260:15:28

-We've come to see Nev.

-Yeah, if you'd like to sign in.

0:15:330:15:36

Well, don't put any of my details in there.

0:15:360:15:38

You know what they'll do? They'll ring your mother up in the middle of the night trying to

0:15:380:15:42

sell her sex aids, once they've got the details.

0:15:420:15:45

-Shut up.

-They're never off the phone.

0:15:450:15:47

Shut up, I'm not putting your phone number down, I'm just signing your name in.

0:15:470:15:51

-Jack! How are you?

-Hey, Nev, how are you?

0:15:540:15:56

-Nice to see you, thanks for having us.

-Thank you for coming.

0:15:560:15:59

How do you do? Very nice to meet you.

0:15:590:16:01

Let's go. Follow me.

0:16:010:16:03

There's something quite odd about all this.

0:16:070:16:11

-It's not like a sort of cult thing this, is it?

-Is this like a cult?

0:16:110:16:14

I bet you'll find these women are being forced into having sex

0:16:140:16:18

with each other for his pleasure.

0:16:180:16:20

I bet they have, that's what they do.

0:16:200:16:23

-It's a call centre. It's a call centre.

-That's the cover.

0:16:230:16:29

I tried to learn what I could from the training seminar,

0:16:290:16:31

but in all honesty spent most of the time trying to

0:16:310:16:35

convince my father that it wasn't about to descend into an orgy.

0:16:350:16:39

You don't sell the product, you sell the benefit, and you sell it

0:16:390:16:43

with a smile on your face because happy people sell, don't they?

0:16:430:16:45

-Happy people sell.

-Happy people sell. Do you understand?

0:16:450:16:49

-Yes.

-Happy people sell. Happy people also sing, don't they?

0:16:490:16:53

So what we do now, we'll stand on our feet

0:16:530:16:55

because we are going to sing.

0:16:550:16:57

This is how it's done. Let's do it.

0:16:570:17:01

ALL: # It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this?

0:17:010:17:04

# It was only a kiss It was only a kiss

0:17:040:17:08

# She takes off her dress now

0:17:080:17:10

# Letting me go

0:17:100:17:14

# But it's just the price I pay

0:17:190:17:23

# Destiny is calling me... #

0:17:230:17:26

Get out there and sell.

0:17:340:17:36

-It's what I said, they've all been brainwashed.

-Shut up. Come on.

0:17:360:17:40

You'd save £300 a year and you'd be able to spend £300 on a holiday.

0:17:440:17:49

I think Jack's got potential.

0:17:490:17:51

I'm ringing about how you can save money on your electricity bill,

0:17:510:17:56

although to be honest the amount of money involved seems so ludicrously

0:17:560:18:00

small I don't know why one's even bothering to ring you, but anyway.

0:18:000:18:04

Michael on the other hand, not so.

0:18:040:18:07

If you came over to this new energy plan then you would be saving

0:18:070:18:11

approximately £300 a year.

0:18:110:18:14

You are happy with your current plan? No, that's... Well, thank you.

0:18:140:18:18

Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

0:18:180:18:20

..Do all that, "Thank you very much." If they're wasting your time,

0:18:200:18:23

they don't want it, just tell them to go and fuck themselves.

0:18:230:18:26

As far as Michael's language is concerned, anybody that swears on

0:18:260:18:29

the phone to a customer, it's gross misconduct, instantly dismissible.

0:18:290:18:33

Hello, sir. Oh, I beg your pardon. Hello, madam.

0:18:330:18:37

You have a very deep voice.

0:18:370:18:38

In a sales environment you need to be upbeat,

0:18:380:18:41

you need to be happy, smiley, chirpy and enthusiastic.

0:18:410:18:45

Everything that Michael isn't.

0:18:450:18:47

So is that something that would interest you?

0:18:470:18:49

No...

0:18:490:18:50

So you would be interested?

0:18:500:18:53

Fantastic. All right, well very nice to speak to you. Thank you, bye.

0:18:530:18:57

JACK HUMS

0:18:590:19:00

They'll change their mind.

0:19:000:19:02

-Yes! Sale made!

-Oh!

0:19:020:19:04

Ahh! I made a sale!

0:19:060:19:09

-They've got you. They've got you.

-I made a sale!

0:19:090:19:11

-They've got you. The whole cult doing all this.

-He said he was interested in it.

0:19:110:19:14

After all that thumping his chest, I have to say I'm really

0:19:140:19:17

worried about Jack.

0:19:170:19:19

I just hope to God we haven't lost him.

0:19:190:19:21

Once it became clear that my father wasn't cut out for the phone sales, Nev was able to find him

0:19:210:19:25

a task that better suited his very limited set of skills.

0:19:250:19:29

So, Michael, would you like a go of my urns?

0:19:310:19:34

-Um... Not just at the moment, if that's all right? Maybe later.

-OK.

0:19:340:19:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:420:19:44

Ladies and gentleman, he's a father to over 300 hard-working

0:19:460:19:50

dedicated employees, and Hayley,

0:19:500:19:51

please welcome Swansea's very own Mr Brightside, Nev Wilshire.

0:19:510:19:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:550:19:57

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:20:000:20:04

Very nice to see you again, Neville.

0:20:070:20:09

-NEV:

-How are you?

-JONATHAN:

-All right, Nev, how are you doing? Nice to meet you.

0:20:090:20:12

Happy people sell. Happy people sell.

0:20:120:20:15

-Nev, thank you for coming.

-He needs the job.

0:20:150:20:18

Yes, he does, but he also needs his jumper.

0:20:180:20:20

Oh, yeah, I left my jumper at the call centre.

0:20:200:20:22

You'd better look after it, Mike.

0:20:220:20:23

Sorry, I did actually leave it there.

0:20:230:20:25

I wasn't getting undressed for anything untoward. Don't worry, Judy.

0:20:250:20:29

Um, I... Nev, thank you so much for coming on to the show.

0:20:290:20:31

You're very welcome, thank you.

0:20:310:20:33

How did you think my father fared at call centre sales?

0:20:330:20:37

Would you employ him?

0:20:370:20:39

-As a tea lady.

-Yeah.

0:20:390:20:42

-Nice girl, that young lady of yours.

-Hayley. Yeah.

0:20:420:20:45

-Very comely.

-Don't say that.

0:20:450:20:48

Just let us know when you're planning on coming out of the 1920s.

0:20:480:20:52

Is Hayley one of your star employees? She's funny, she's crazy.

0:20:520:20:57

-She is.

-On the show she is absolutely bonkers.

0:20:570:21:00

Yes, she is, she is bonkers, that is what she is.

0:21:000:21:02

-She's a hard-working girl though. She's doing other things.

-This is..

0:21:020:21:06

Oh.

0:21:060:21:07

Ah, yes, that's the Zoo Magazine expose.

0:21:070:21:10

Yeah. Is that a method she taught you, Daddy,

0:21:100:21:12

when you were doing the tea run?

0:21:120:21:13

Now, Neville, you are very tactile on the show.

0:21:150:21:18

You're kicking people up the arse and slapping and smacking and...

0:21:180:21:21

Do you get complaints?

0:21:210:21:23

No, not generally.

0:21:230:21:25

I give them the option. They can go the HR route or they can just have a

0:21:250:21:28

genuine kick up the arse, and most people want the kick up the arse.

0:21:280:21:32

Right. I now know more than I ever thought I would about loft insulation.

0:21:320:21:35

I was enlightened as well, when we talked about cavity wall

0:21:350:21:38

-insulation, and one of the benefits was...

-That's it, cavity wall insulation, not loft insulation.

0:21:380:21:43

Yes, but it was the soundproofing, it's just a by-product,

0:21:430:21:46

but it soundproofs, and your dad thought of a new

0:21:460:21:50

way of selling it really, as soundproofing for his bedroom walls.

0:21:500:21:54

-Yeah, yeah.

-Apparently your mother is a bit noisy, so...

0:21:540:21:58

Thanks(!) As you've seen, he needs no encouragement.

0:21:580:22:01

Did you ever hear your parents enjoying each other?

0:22:010:22:06

-No. I didn't hear them enjoying each other.

-I think he did.

-Neither do I want to talk about..

0:22:060:22:12

Give us a phrase.

0:22:120:22:13

What phrase would you shout out in the midst of lovemaking, that young Jack...?

0:22:130:22:16

-Maybe this will help him get over this.

-Jonathan, fuck off!

0:22:160:22:19

What sort of things...? Would you say, "Come on, Becher's Brook!" What would you shout?

0:22:190:22:23

Maybe, "Go on, my pretty."

0:22:250:22:27

Ohh!

0:22:270:22:28

Why have you done that?

0:22:300:22:32

This is good for you.

0:22:320:22:34

This will help you process it, Jack.

0:22:350:22:38

I'm never going to be able to have sex ever again.

0:22:380:22:40

I will, Judy, actually.

0:22:400:22:42

Now we are going to bring out our final guest.

0:22:440:22:47

I am very, very excited to have him on the show.

0:22:470:22:50

He won gold medals, competed in the London Marathon

0:22:500:22:53

but most impressively of all, he beat The Cube.

0:22:530:22:57

I am so excited to have him on the show,

0:22:570:22:59

ladies and gentlemen, it's Mo Farah.

0:22:590:23:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:010:23:04

Good to see you.

0:23:090:23:10

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:23:120:23:15

So Mo, Father's Day special.

0:23:200:23:23

You are the reigning Celebrity Dad Of The Year.

0:23:230:23:25

Yeah, that was...

0:23:250:23:27

Come on, that's impressive.

0:23:270:23:29

CHEERING

0:23:290:23:30

Now how does that rate though?

0:23:320:23:34

Father of the Year compared to like an Olympic gold? Pretty high?

0:23:340:23:37

Yeah. As a father you want your kids to remember that

0:23:370:23:40

and say, "Look what I won. I was a good father."

0:23:400:23:43

And you've got twins. How do you do like...?

0:23:430:23:46

Have you had to cut down on your training and your running

0:23:460:23:48

having to look after twins and do like nappy changing and such?

0:23:480:23:52

Yeah. I just choose the easy baby. Aisha's mine.

0:23:520:23:54

Oh, so you've picked a favourite?

0:23:540:23:56

I wouldn't say a favourite, but I'd just say, look, Aisha's

0:23:560:23:59

the slightly easier baby because Amani's always running around and...

0:23:590:24:03

Can you criticise a child for running around?

0:24:030:24:06

I mean you don't really have a leg to stand on, Mo.

0:24:060:24:09

When you're tired and you're like, "Oh," and they're chasing around.

0:24:090:24:12

It's difficult, but it's definitely worth it.

0:24:120:24:14

There's three girls in your family and a wife.

0:24:140:24:17

Yeah.

0:24:170:24:18

That's four ladies. Phew,

0:24:180:24:21

that's a lot of oestrogen.

0:24:210:24:23

What do you do if it all gets too much?

0:24:230:24:25

Just go for a run. Just go for a run.

0:24:250:24:28

Three times a day training.

0:24:280:24:29

Yeah, I imagine that is quite a good excuse.

0:24:290:24:32

I need to ask you a serious thing as well.

0:24:320:24:34

How amazing does it feel that you have inspired so many young

0:24:340:24:38

people to go out there and make the switch from meat to Quorn?

0:24:380:24:42

I've had the best idea as well.

0:24:430:24:46

I don't want to show off. Basically in preparation for this show the two things

0:24:460:24:49

I did was work out fat puns for Jonathan,

0:24:490:24:52

and then this was the other thing I spent my time doing.

0:24:520:24:54

The Mobot worked a treat, right, but now that you're the face of Quorn,

0:24:540:24:59

come Commonwealth Games it's time to rock out the Quornbot. Right?

0:24:590:25:03

You get across the line, you win it, straight out, Quornbot.

0:25:030:25:07

It's there, it's yours if you want it.

0:25:070:25:10

-It is sad how impressed I was.

-Jack, can you do that again?

0:25:110:25:16

Can you stand up and do that again because I just remembered who you remind me of?

0:25:160:25:20

Just stand up and do that again. OK. Just do that thing again.

0:25:200:25:23

Ladies and gentlemen let's celebrate the winner of this year's Eurovision...

0:25:230:25:26

Oh, shut up!

0:25:260:25:28

-You're a dead spit.

-Yeah, absolutely.

0:25:300:25:34

Now, Mo, you started running like seriously

0:25:340:25:36

when you were at university, is that right?

0:25:360:25:39

I did a bit but I wasn't taking it as seriously as I should have done.

0:25:390:25:43

Yeah. What was your university life like then?

0:25:430:25:45

Uni life is completely different to what

0:25:450:25:47

I do normally - eat, sleep, train - and for me when I was at St Mary's,

0:25:470:25:50

I really enjoyed being at St Mary's, I was just one of the lads and

0:25:500:25:53

always up for a laugh.

0:25:530:25:54

Crazy nights out? A few Jagerbombs?

0:25:540:25:56

-Jagerbombs, no.

-Did you actually...? You'd go out and get...?

0:25:560:25:59

I would just go out with the boys and stuff, but we were always

0:25:590:26:02

like kind of daring each other to do stuff, and we'd do crazy stuff.

0:26:020:26:05

Traffic cone on the head.

0:26:050:26:06

Actually traffic cone on the head might not work for you.

0:26:060:26:09

-No.

-Because it would just go over the whole body.

0:26:090:26:12

It'd be like Toy Story. Moving around.

0:26:120:26:16

Now, Mo, you wrote a book...

0:26:160:26:19

See. Which I read. It was fantastic.

0:26:190:26:23

-I sent one to you as well.

-I've got the book. Thank you very much.

0:26:230:26:26

-And did you read it?

-No.

0:26:260:26:28

You're waiting for the film.

0:26:280:26:29

Yeah, is there a film, Mo?

0:26:290:26:31

-Is there going to be a film?

-Yeah.

0:26:310:26:33

-Wow.

-No!

-It's got Tom Hanks in.

0:26:330:26:35

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:350:26:39

You're not the only person that's written a book.

0:26:440:26:46

Mr Nev Wilshire, you have also written this book which is

0:26:460:26:49

called Happy People Sell.

0:26:490:26:51

-An excellent read.

-Did you write every word?

0:26:510:26:53

Every... Well, maybe not.

0:26:530:26:55

-It's available, there it is.

-But there's lots of pictures in it for you.

0:26:550:26:58

There's a lot of pictures.

0:26:580:27:00

This is my favourite bit in this book of yours, Nev.

0:27:000:27:02

If you see this page, which is

0:27:020:27:04

"Nev's four step guide of how to smile" for people...

0:27:040:27:09

It's a step-by-step guide for miserable bastards.

0:27:090:27:12

And it's four stages of how to smile

0:27:120:27:15

and I thought maybe as we have one of the most famous miserable

0:27:150:27:18

bastards that I know, we could try this seriously.

0:27:180:27:23

What is this?

0:27:230:27:24

OK, we're going to try this. Step one, "Think happy thoughts."

0:27:240:27:28

-JONATHAN:

-Think of the day he left home.

0:27:280:27:30

-Jonathan!

-Yes.

0:27:300:27:32

Step two, "Smile with your eyes. Everybody loves a twinkle."

0:27:320:27:36

Nev's words, not mine. So you've got the twinkle in your eyes,

0:27:360:27:40

-you always have a slight twinkle.

-You get a twinkle with your contact lenses.

0:27:400:27:43

And you do with your glaucoma.

0:27:430:27:45

-The cheek!

-That's wrong. Shame on you.

0:27:460:27:52

Step three, get ready... You need to look down the camera. Look down number...

0:27:520:27:56

Is that that red light? It's like being in the optician's.

0:27:560:27:58

Smile with your teeth. It's important...

0:28:000:28:02

With my teeth. You know I don't smile.

0:28:020:28:04

-I don't open my mouth when I smile.

-Just do it.

0:28:040:28:06

I look like Muffin The Mule. Do I have to carry on doing this?

0:28:110:28:17

Yeah just stay there for the rest of the show.

0:28:170:28:20

That's the family Christmas card sorted.

0:28:200:28:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:26

Well, unfortunately I think that's all that we have time for this evening.

0:28:260:28:32

Mo, best of luck at the Commonwealth Games.

0:28:320:28:34

A massive thank you to my guests this evening,

0:28:340:28:36

Jonathan Ross, Nev Wilshire, Mo Farah and Judy Murray.

0:28:360:28:41

Happy Father's Day. Good night.

0:28:410:28:43

Jack Whitehall and his father Michael return for a special Father's Day edition of their comedy chat show, joined by Jonathan Ross, Judy Murray, Mo Farah and Nev Wilshire from The Call Centre.