World Cup Special Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad


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World Cup Special

Jack Whitehall and his father Michael return for a World Cup special of their comedy chat show and are joined by Harry Redknapp, James Corden, Henning Wehn and Rachel Riley.


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This programme contains some strong language and contains adult humour

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to our Backchat World Cup Special.

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We're going to be here for a solid 45 minutes,

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which is roughly the same length of time it takes for England's hopes and dreams

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to be shattered into a million pieces once the World Cup kicks off.

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Yay!

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No, I am very excited, very excited about the World Cup.

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It is about time we won

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because, like my, father England haven't achieved a semi since 1990.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean that is so... I mean...

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-To start the show with something sort of crude and pathetic.

-It's a really smart joke.

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-As school-boyish as that, and also totally untrue.

-Oh, shut up.

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LAUGHTER

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-OK. Father, are you excited about the World Cup in all honesty?

-No.

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-Why? It's the World Cup!

-All the World Cup does for me

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is interfere with all the programmes that I like watching, because they change all the times of everything.

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-I mean the Antiques Roadshow, as you know, is one of my great favourites.

-Yes.

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And it's eight o'clock Sunday night.

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But, no, then it's seven o'clock or it's 8.30 or it's moved from a Sunday to a Tuesday.

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Completely lose all my bearings. And then, when I do turn on at eight o'clock,

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I have to watch something like Southern Rhodesia versus the Solomon Islands or something.

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And I think, "Why would anyone want to watch this boring programme?"

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-Southern Rhodesia(?)

-Southern Rhodesia.

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-Are you watching it in a time machine?

-Or the Belgian Congo.

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-The Belgian Congo? I need to get you an atlas.

-The Belgian Congo.

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Right. England famously don't fare well in South America.

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Who can forget Diego Maradona in '86 who after a deliberate handball

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claimed, "It wasn't my hand, it was the hand of God."

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An excuse Diego picked up in the 1970s

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when he briefly worked at BBC's Television Centre.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANING

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I doubt that will make the show.

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I...I love World Cup fever,

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it's when, for two weeks, patriotism becomes acceptable.

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Father's already getting into the swing of things,

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he's got his big St George's flag hanging up in the window of the lounge.

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I'm not sure why it has to say, "Go home Romanians" but...

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How dare you say that?

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How dare you say that?

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How dare you use the word "lounge", it's a drawing room. LAUGHTER

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-OK, that's the bit you take exception to.

-LAUGHTER

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Gary Barlow has done England's official World Cup song,

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which isn't a classic, but to be fair he is doing it for charity.

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He'll probably only make like 20 grand from it,

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-which, after tax, is 20 grand.

-LAUGHTER

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The World Cup this year is in Rio, Brazil.

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Daddy, do you like a Brazilian?

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LAUGHTER

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Erm...I have been to a Brazilian restaurant, there's one in Putney.

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I've had dinner there a couple of times.

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-So, would you say that you love a Brazilian?

-LAUGHTER

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Well, I wouldn't say I love it.

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I like a Brazilian, but I don't... I don't love it.

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Your mother did a Brazilian for me at home.

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LAUGHTER

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It didn't really work because it was all so messy and horrible everywhere.

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And I didn't actually, to be quite honest, like the taste of it either.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know what... Why are you laughing?

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-I'm just saying that's...

-Well, that kind of backfired.

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Oh, my God!

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That's going to take a long time to get out of my head.

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I think we should bring out some guests.

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-Who's ready for some guests?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes! Tonight I have a sofa brimming with football credentials.

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Would you please welcome QPR's Harry Redknapp, Countdown's Rachel Riley

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and David Beckham's James Corden!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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WILD CHEERING

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Thank you very much for coming on the show. So I'm going to start with the obvious question.

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Is it going to be hard watching the World Cup thinking, "I could have been there"?

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-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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I mean every... Not just the World Cup, every game.

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If it wasn't for that Achilles injury,

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I could have been out there, right, Harry?

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-Do you play?

-Yeah, he could have been there.

-Oh! Do I play? Do I play?

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-No.

-Left foot, right foot, bit of both?

-Both, bit of both, I swing both ways.

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-Wow!

-LAUGHTER

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Harry, is it going to be difficult watching, thinking you could be out there managing the team?

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No, not really, Jack. No, I'm looking forward to it.

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I think we've got a good team, good squad,

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and I think we've got... I think we'll do well. I really do.

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I think we'll come out of that group. Look at Uruguay, their two centre halves,

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one was at West Brom this year, I think he was the worst player in the Premier League.

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He didn't get in their... I can't even remember his name.

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And the other lad from Liverpool, Coates, he never gets a game at Liverpool.

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-They're...

-So you think they're beatable?

-Oh, they're beatable.

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-You've got Suarez and Cavani up front, they're the dangers...

-Yeah.

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-But after that, no, they're beatable.

-Rachel, do you think England can win the World Cup?

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Erm...is that serious?

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Well, I think, you know, like Harry said, we might get out of the group.

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But...you like Roy. James, you like Roy.

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Roy's got what it takes as a manager.

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Yeah, I think it's good. I think this is the way

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that we as a nation should approach the World Cup.

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Like this is a healthy way to do it,

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because it's the hope that kills you.

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It's the hope. It's the hope every four years that just maybe...

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And, actually, to go into it going, "Well, do you know what, whatever happens happens,"

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is the best way to do it.

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I just hope we go out and try and play good football.

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That's what we need to do, I think, is manage expectations.

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-Rachel, you are a massive Manchester United fan?

-Yeah.

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So no matter what happens this summer it's not going to be

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as disappointing as what happened this season.

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-LAUGHTER

-Are you prepared for disappointment?

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Well, I think as an England fan, as an English person,

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you're always prepared for disappointment, aren't you?

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Like James said, we always have the hype, "We're going to win! We're going to win!"

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Then we go and play one game and we go, "Oh, yeah, we're not actually that great."

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Do you think the older players,

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we need to use them as well within that squad?

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-Cos there's a lot of talk of like the young guns in the team.

-Yeah.

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I think there's a good blend this time, Jack.

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You know, a few of the older ones have not gone this time,

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he's taken some good young players and you've still got some great experienced players, you know.

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Yeah, and the right ratio for a long time, I think,

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between Arsenal and Spurs players in the squad.

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-Two Arsenal players, no Spurs players.

-That's right.

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-I mean, that's the way it should be, right?

-It should be every year.

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-Tottenham players shouldn't be allowed to play for England.

-LAUGHTER

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That's a fact, cos if you've made a choice...

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-I mean, Harry did the right thing, he walked away.

-LAUGHTER

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-Yeah, cos Tottenham are

-BLEEP. LAUGHTER

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There it is, there's the C-bomb.

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When BBC Three moves online,

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will you be able to drop C-bombs that...that freely?

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I don't think anyone will give a shit when it's online, will they?

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I'll tell you one person who won't be going online with it.

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-Yes.

-I don't even know what online means, but I know I'm not going to like it.

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-Bullshit. That might wash with Hilary, it does not wash with us.

-Yeah.

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"Oh, I don't even know what it is!"

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-"I just happened upon it, darling, I didn't..."

-LAUGHTER

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-Please, James!

-I'm sorry but that's...

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APPLAUSE

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No, no, no. No, I only...I only know this, I only know this

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because I know your son very well and he is never not wanking to porn.

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Shut up, James!

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-This is a World Cup special!

-What? You're very open about it.

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-You're very open about it.

-I'm not!

-You are always talking about,

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-"Oh, I saw the YouPorn porno."

-Shut up!

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Harry would you start 4-4-2 or 4-4-3?

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"If me and Gemma have a child, I'd love to call her Bukkake."

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-Shut up, James!

-You know what Bukkake is right?

-Erm...

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-Of course you do, you're Jack's dad. Yeah.

-You have it with Coke, is that right?

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LAUGHTER No?

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Erm...Daddy, you've been round for a long time,

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who do you think England's best ever boss was?

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Thatcher. LAUGHTER

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Of course. Of course, Thatcher. APPLAUSE

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-Harry. Harry.

-Yeah.

-How are you going to be watching the World Cup?

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-Will you be watching it with Jamie?

-No, I shall be watching it on my own.

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-Yeah.

-Sandra will bring me a nice cup of tea up at half-time and that's it.

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Sit and study the game. I hate watching a game with loads of people.

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Honestly, if I was in a bar or somewhere, I wouldn't...

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I just like to sit and watch it and...

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Does Jamie... Is he ever a pundit for any of your games?

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-Is he allowed to do that or...?

-Well, he did a few, yeah.

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-And he got too excited at Old Trafford a few years ago when I was at Portsmouth.

-Yeah.

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And we beat 'em, we beat Man United in the quarterfinals of the cup at Old Trafford.

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And at Arsenal, he got... When I think we drew 4-4 at Arsenal that day, you remember that?

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-You don't remember that game?

-No, no, no.

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I think he was jumping up and down a bit there, so I think they took him off...off my games, yeah.

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-Could you give...?

-Jamie's ridiculous though.

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When... Cos we work with Jamie quite a lot

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and whoever you're managing, if they're playing when we're shooting A League of Their Own,

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-his mood is only dependent on whether you're winning or not.

-I know.

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And do you remember one time, I think it was when you were Tottenham manager

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and you lost quite a big game.

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That doesn't narrow it down probably. It was, um...

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-And...he just shut down.

-Yeah.

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He didn't speak for like a whole section of the show, he was just like this.

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Like we're all trying to keep it light and funny, he's just going...

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-That's really sweet though.

-I went over in the break and went, "Jamie what's going on?

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-"You haven't spoken for like half an hour."

-Yeah.

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"Oh, Tottenham lost, didn't they?"

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I went, "Yes, your dad's had a bad day at work".

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It is amazing watching football with him though,

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cos Jeff Stelling's snuck me into Old Trafford a few times with Jamie.

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With Jamie, Jamie Carragher and Red Nev.

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And it's just fascinating watching those guys watch the football.

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It's the way to do it. I mean, they've got the action replays straightaway and...the tactics.

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-They're so astute, it's quite fascinating.

-I love watching Merson

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on that programme with Jeff Stelling because I know...

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Mers played for me at Portsmouth and he likes a bet occasionally.

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And I know, I can tell, he's watching the game,

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he may be doing Southampton...Arsenal,

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but he's had a bet on the game next door. LAUGHTER

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-So he's not watching, he ain't got a clue what's happening.

-He's had...

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he's had like whatever he's getting for the day,

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he's had the lot on the game next door and he's watching that screen.

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And he's kicking every ball and they go back, "What's happening, Mers?"

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-He goes, "Oh, er..." and he ain't got a clue.

-LAUGHTER

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Sorry to interrupt. Harry, you've obviously got a very, very attractive wife, haven't you?

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HARRY LAUGHS I mean looking at that picture up there.

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< You're not wrong.

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- But then again, so have you. - Well, yes.

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-Fair enough.

-Damn straight. Have you met Hilary?

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Yeah, I've met Hilary, yeah.

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Fit.

-Don't call my mum fit.

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Why? It's the greatest compliment I can pay her, Jack.

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She's... I'll tell you what she is, she's open.

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LAUGHTER

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-Not like that! Mentally.

-No, I would agree.

-Don't agree with him!

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He's just called your wife "open" on national television.

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Spiritually! She's spiritually open, she's virile, she's athletic.

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-Yeah. No, I agree.

-Everything about her says...she goes like a train.

-LAUGHTER

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And that is the greatest compliment I can pay your wife.

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-Well, it's the great thing about having a young wife too.

-Yeah.

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-Although she's not as young obviously as she was when I married her.

-Sure.

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-But what she's got for me at my age is stamina.

-Damn straight.

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-LAUGHTER

-OK...so moving on.

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Does anyone know what this is?

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-No.

-This... Do you remember after the last World Cup

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-everyone's favourite thing about the World Cup in South Africa was the vuvuzela?

-Yes.

0:12:290:12:34

-I loved that, yeah.

-Not if you were in the stadium sitting next to 'em.

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-They were noise.

-They were so annoying weren't they?

-Unbelievable.

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This is the Brazilians' answer to the vuvuzela.

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It's called a cac-irola... That's not pronounced right.

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No, I got you all one. A caxirola.

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-Caxirola.

-We've got these.

-Oh, an England one!

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So there's an England one and a Brazil one.

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Father, you take that there.

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-Although you could just use your pill pot if you...

-LAUGHTER

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-But these are going to be at all the games.

-To be given out in the stadium?

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-To be given out in the stadiums to all the fans.

-Yeah, good one. I can't think of...

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-I can't think of anything better to throw at footballers.

-LAUGHTER

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In fact, what should we give 100,000 football fans?

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-Yeah, something that looks like a grenade.

-LAUGHTER

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That would be good.

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Show us how you use it, Jack.

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Quite camp. LAUGHTER

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Yes? Yeah. APPLAUSE

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Uh-huh

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Yeah.

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And it's not the only thing that they're bringing in,

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there's going to be quite a lot of new stuff that we're going to be seeing at the World Cup.

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Especially for the referees.

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They're going to have goal-line technology, that's being used for the first time at a World Cup,

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where each of the referees will be given a watch that vibrates if the ball crosses the line,

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which has been trialled very successfully in the Premier League

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and all the leagues in Europe, other than the German league,

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in the Bundesliga where they didn't use it.

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And then in the FA Cup Final, a ball went in over the line and it wasn't given by the referee, so...

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That's very German that, isn't it?

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I mean, they've...never respected people's borders, have they?

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LAUGHTER Can I say that, do you think?

0:14:130:14:16

What you've got over there is another thing that referees are going to have in Brazil,

0:14:160:14:20

-which is this...

-This?

-Yeah, which is the vanishing spray. Have you seen this?

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Where referees will have it and it sprays a line on the pitch that vanishes within a minute,

0:14:230:14:29

so that the walls don't creep forward at free kicks.

0:14:290:14:32

-So they spray it on the grass.

-They'll spray it on the grass.

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If the players step on that line, and then you can see if it's ten yards or not?

0:14:350:14:39

-Yeah, and then the line disappears in a minute.

-So why does it disappear? What's it made of?

0:14:390:14:43

I think it's water-based, so it doesn't last for very long.

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I do think though that men are men and they always will be men throughout the history of time,

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they're just men, and whoever a man is, anywhere in the world, from whatever class,

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give them a can of spray paint or a doodle pad in a meeting and they cannot stop themselves.

0:14:580:15:04

They cannot stop themselves just going....

0:15:040:15:08

-"Yeah, dude."

-LAUGHTER

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Oh, very artistic.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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It's a lovely...

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LAUGHTER

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What do you call that?

0:15:260:15:28

It's a penis, Rachel. That's what it is.

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When's it going to fade?

0:15:310:15:33

LAUGHTER

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RACHEL LAUGHS

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It's definite.... Has it been a minute?

0:15:390:15:42

That's just a prop?

0:15:440:15:46

LAUGHTER

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Oh, I see so...

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Are you joking?

0:15:510:15:53

LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-This isn't even a real watch!

-LAUGHTER

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It's got a bit of tape over it. Are these real?

0:16:030:16:06

Yeah, these are real. These are real, but these are just props,

0:16:060:16:09

-cos they couldn't get them for the show.

-LAUGHTER

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That's properly covered. Sorry, imagine if we didn't have a carpet...

0:16:120:16:16

you would have just vandalised the set with a massive penis.

0:16:160:16:21

Might have been quite weird if we'd cut it out of the show,

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then all of a sudden just a cock appears on the floor.

0:16:240:16:28

Michael Whitehall's Banksy!

0:16:290:16:31

LAUGHTER

0:16:310:16:33

OK, we'll carry on. So, Rachel, as you're very good at maths, here's a conundrum for you.

0:16:330:16:39

How does this equal 30 million?

0:16:390:16:41

LAUGHTER

0:16:410:16:43

APPLAUSE

0:16:430:16:45

Show...show your working.

0:16:490:16:51

Yeah, I think it might have gone down a little bit this year.

0:16:510:16:54

-Rachel...Countdown.

-Yeah.

-You do Countdown.

0:16:540:16:56

-I do do Countdown.

-And...I'm a massive fan of Countdown.

0:16:560:16:59

As we all know though, I'm not the usual fan of Countdown,

0:16:590:17:02

because Countdown delights many, many a sweet old dear.

0:17:020:17:07

-Here you are with one such sweet old dear. What's this?

-RACHEL LAUGHS

0:17:070:17:11

-What was Giggsie doing in the studio?

-That was amazing.

0:17:110:17:14

That was...last year. I'd done 1,000 shows and I didn't realise it was my 1,000th show

0:17:140:17:18

and Nick Hewer, who presents it, said at the end of the show,

0:17:180:17:21

"We wanted to get someone special in for you, who's made 1,000 appearances."

0:17:210:17:26

And they know I'm a massive United fan and Giggsie appeared with...

0:17:260:17:29

That's the year I was born, it's signed by the players and a massive bouquet of flowers and...

0:17:290:17:33

Do you think he's done the right thing keeping Ryan Giggs as assistant manager

0:17:330:17:36

-and keeping the class of '92?

-Oh, I think for the fans.

0:17:360:17:39

Having the class of '92 for the last four games was brilliant.

0:17:390:17:43

I mean, Giggsie was in the first team when I was five years old,

0:17:430:17:45

so he is Man United, he's been at Old Trafford since he was 16.

0:17:450:17:48

Very important to have a good assistant when you're managing.

0:17:480:17:51

Harry, you've worked with some of the best assistant coaches in the game.

0:17:510:17:55

-This was you...at Soccer Aid.

-LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:58

That was my best coach. Fantastic!

0:17:580:18:00

-It looks like you're going in for the kiss.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:000:18:03

That was me just saying, "Go on, meet me halfway."

0:18:030:18:06

LAUGHTER

0:18:060:18:08

-I loved it so much...to go and be his assistant coach.

-We had a great time.

0:18:080:18:12

-It was brilliant, it was fantastic. I didn't do much coaching.

-No.

0:18:120:18:15

-I mostly just used to tell Harry who people were.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:150:18:19

-Who's that bloke?

-Was it intimidating though being with all the footballers...

0:18:190:18:24

-in their dressing room?

-Yeah, but I wasn't really part of the team, I was on the coaching staff.

0:18:240:18:28

-So we very much, you know, we like to keep our distance from the squad, you know.

-Yeah.

0:18:280:18:33

Cos you've got to make some harsh decisions, Jack,

0:18:330:18:36

you've got to drop players, you've got to... You can't befriend them.

0:18:360:18:39

But the weirdest thing for me is because I'm... Like most men,

0:18:390:18:46

being in a changing room and getting changed

0:18:460:18:50

is something I a) dread and b) try and do as quickly as I can. Do you know what I mean?

0:18:500:18:55

Like when you're...in a changing room and you've got to...

0:18:550:18:58

to do that moment when you take off your pants and put on your swimming trunks.

0:18:580:19:01

-If you were the coach, why were you taking your pants off?

-LAUGHTER

0:19:010:19:05

-Cos I didn't arrive in my kit, I arrived in regular clothes.

-OK, right.

0:19:050:19:09

And then would get changed at training and...

0:19:090:19:12

But Harry, obviously, grew up, you know, a professional footballer,

0:19:120:19:16

-he's always in changing rooms, so from the age of...

-RACHEL LAUGHS

0:19:160:19:20

..from the age of, like, I don't know, 14, 15 whatever,

0:19:200:19:23

he's just been happily just getting naked in front of other men,

0:19:230:19:26

which is not something I do. So...one thing I really remember is, like, if Harry's me there

0:19:260:19:33

and I'm Harry now and we're in this quite small dressing room... Who was that mate of yours that came down?

0:19:330:19:38

-Clive. Clive Tyrrell.

-So Clive's where Rachel is, Harry's me,

0:19:380:19:42

and this is Harry and we're talking. I'm sat down doing my boots up.

0:19:420:19:45

-And he just went, "Yeah, no, and that's the thing, James."

-LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:48

-It's just...

-LAUGHTER

0:19:480:19:51

You know, you don't know which way to turn, right? So I'm sat going...

0:19:510:19:55

I'm literally going like this, "This is Harry Redknapp's penis."

0:19:550:19:58

-LAUGHTER

-"I'm staring at Harry Redknapp's penis."

0:19:580:20:01

Not a lot...not a lot to look at, really.

0:20:010:20:03

-LAUGHTER

-Not true, it is a beautiful shaft.

0:20:030:20:06

-LAUGHTER

-But then the worst thing was...

-He drew it from memory.

0:20:060:20:11

LAUGHTER

0:20:110:20:13

APPLAUSE

0:20:130:20:14

The worst thing was, I'm like...

0:20:150:20:18

Most men like me, you think, "Right, I'm going to take my pants off now

0:20:180:20:21

"and I have to put these shorts on." So you do a very quick...

0:20:210:20:24

You go down, back up and then you're back round.

0:20:240:20:28

And that's how every man does it. Not Redknapp.

0:20:280:20:31

He's down and then he's just looking around...for where his shorts were,

0:20:310:20:35

and they're on a bench here, so instead of doing this and putting them on,

0:20:350:20:39

Harry went, "No and that's the thing..."

0:20:390:20:41

LAUGHTER

0:20:410:20:43

It was right there, right there, the essence of Redknapp.

0:20:430:20:47

-Rachel, if we could go back to Countdown for a minute.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:20:470:20:51

-You recently had my father on the show.

-We did, yes.

0:20:510:20:54

-You did indeed.

-A brilliant raconteur akin to Peter Ustinov.

0:20:540:20:57

No, I loved... I mean, it was one of the most exciting things I've done.

0:20:570:21:00

And I'm hoping... Cos, as you know, Nick is a great friend of mine...

0:21:000:21:04

-and he's very fond of you, incidentally.

-He's lovely, Nick.

0:21:040:21:07

I mean, probably slightly fonder of you than you realise.

0:21:070:21:10

LAUGHTER But he's...

0:21:100:21:13

Anyway, that's for another time, but...

0:21:130:21:16

-No, I think it's for now.

-No, I think it's for never.

0:21:160:21:19

But I would really love to get back on to Countdown.

0:21:190:21:24

I haven't been asked. There was a lot of talk at the end of the show,

0:21:240:21:27

they said, "We'd love you to come back."

0:21:270:21:29

So what I've done, you don't know this...

0:21:290:21:31

-OK...

-No, just a minute.

-We're talking about the World Cup.

0:21:310:21:34

What I've done is, I've taken some people off the production.

0:21:340:21:37

I mean, he's got so many people working for him and they've got nothing to do.

0:21:370:21:40

And he's got all these gag writers. Well, what have they been doing?

0:21:400:21:45

LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:47

So I've taken several people off, and just put this little film together for you to see.

0:21:470:21:52

-OK.

-And hopefully take sort of good thoughts back up to Manchester.

0:21:520:21:55

-So, are you after Nick's job or more Dictionary Corner action?

-It's interesting you've said that.

0:21:550:22:00

I wasn't going to say that, but maybe for the... At the moment, I'm happy in Dictionary Corner.

0:22:000:22:05

-I mean, we could just talk about the World Cup.

-We could do that. LAUGHTER

0:22:050:22:08

I mean, if you don't want to show my little film, that's entirely up to you.

0:22:080:22:12

-Your little film?

-I want to see it.

-Would you like to see it?

-We want to see it, right?

0:22:120:22:15

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:22:150:22:17

-Me and Harry want to talk about the World Cup.

-Play the film!

0:22:170:22:20

LAUGHTER

0:22:200:22:21

There's someone here this evening who for some time

0:22:230:22:26

it has been his dream to get that slot on Dictionary Corner.

0:22:260:22:30

-What? Daddy?

-Yeah.

0:22:300:22:32

-Could you say here tonight that that is a possibility?

-He's ON the list.

0:22:340:22:38

-Ooh!

-You are on the list, Michael.

0:22:380:22:39

-On the list!

-Yep.

0:22:420:22:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:440:22:46

Yep.

0:22:460:22:48

Just, I think, three or four places just below...Biggins.

0:22:480:22:53

LAUGHTER

0:22:530:22:55

TICKING

0:22:580:23:02

It's the great Michael Whitehall.

0:23:020:23:04

What have you got for us today by way of an anecdote from this extraordinary life of yours?

0:23:040:23:08

-..a little bit of nonsense from my early days.

-Lovely story.

0:23:100:23:13

You know who I'm talking about? Mary Poppins.

0:23:130:23:15

And I chatted to Lady Thatcher and then it was time to go.

0:23:150:23:21

"And it is complimentary, isn't it?"

0:23:210:23:23

Laurence Olivier would ring me and said, "You've got to get me out of this job."

0:23:230:23:26

Very good.

0:23:260:23:28

HONKING

0:23:290:23:31

FIREMAN

0:23:310:23:32

-I could only get seven, SYRINGE.

-Yes.

0:23:320:23:36

Old fogeys, that's what you and I are, Nick. SUSIE LAUGHS

0:23:360:23:39

-Very old fogeys.

-Got an eight here,

0:23:390:23:41

VIOLATES

0:23:410:23:43

ORGIES LAUGHTER

0:23:430:23:45

Michael, it's been a great pleasure having you here. Tremendous.

0:23:480:23:51

-Hugely enjoyed it.

-Have you?

-Oh, dreading not being here next week.

0:23:510:23:55

APPLAUSE

0:24:000:24:01

That was so weird.

0:24:060:24:09

It's absolutely clear why you haven't been invited back on.

0:24:090:24:13

You are... No, you're too much of a threat to Hewer.

0:24:130:24:17

-Well...

-He can't bear it.

-Obviously, it's crossed my mind.

0:24:170:24:21

Can you stop talking about Countdown?

0:24:210:24:23

-Harry, I want to ask you, you played football yourself.

-Yeah.

0:24:230:24:27

How different is the modern footballer to when you played football?

0:24:270:24:31

-Oh, look at that.

-Oh, look.

-That...

0:24:310:24:34

Completely different. Completely different game. It's...

0:24:340:24:38

Was it like pints at half-time, ciggies after the game?

0:24:380:24:41

No, no ciggies, I think there's more footballers that probably smoke now

0:24:410:24:44

than did in that day, cos we've got more foreign players.

0:24:440:24:46

-The foreign players smoke, lots of foreign footballers smoke.

-Yeah.

0:24:460:24:51

Drink? No, they don't drink, we used to drink.

0:24:510:24:54

I mean it was... When I played at West Ham back in the '60s and early '70s,

0:24:540:24:59

we would be round the Black Lion pub in Plaistow before the crowd had come out of the ground.

0:24:590:25:04

I mean, that was... Half past five the pub would be packed,

0:25:040:25:08

-we'd all be in, every player. You know, Bobby Moore, everybody, the whole team, all our mates.

-Really?

0:25:080:25:14

The music would be going, back in the '60s, there'd be fantastic food, all lovely looking barmaids.

0:25:140:25:20

And we'd be there to half past eight, nine o'clock at night,

0:25:200:25:23

and then we'd go home and tell the wife that...

0:25:230:25:26

You know, they thought we were playing away from home somewhere.

0:25:260:25:30

-LAUGHTER

-And you were.

0:25:300:25:32

My wife thought Arsenal...

0:25:320:25:34

My wife thought Arsenal was in the northeast of England, you know.

0:25:340:25:39

Harry Redknapp, in honour of you coming on the show, Harry,

0:25:390:25:42

Michael and I decided to give football management a go.

0:25:420:25:45

We decided to take on a struggling pub team. Unfortunately, Sam Allardyce

0:25:450:25:48

was still in charge of West Ham at the time of filming,

0:25:480:25:51

so instead we took the reins of AFC Wandsworth, a team who hadn't won a game all season.

0:25:510:25:56

Here's how we got on.

0:25:560:25:58

Why are you wearing that terrible outfit?

0:25:580:26:01

You look like one of those people selling dusters at the doors.

0:26:010:26:04

-You look terrible.

-Shut up, it's sportswear.

0:26:040:26:07

Look, I'll be the manager, you're going to be the assistant.

0:26:070:26:10

So it's kind of good cop, bad cop.

0:26:100:26:12

You can be the disciplinarian, whatever, but I'm going to be there encouraging the team.

0:26:120:26:15

-You need discipline.

-A bit of discipline.

0:26:150:26:17

-When I was at school, you know I went to that Catholic school?

-Yes.

0:26:170:26:20

The man in charge of rugby was a ruthless disciplinarian

0:26:200:26:23

and if you fucked about with him,

0:26:230:26:25

-after the match in the showers, bugger you senseless.

-Right.

0:26:250:26:29

Yeah, I mean, we'll probably swerve that as a management method.

0:26:310:26:36

-Nice to see you've dressed for the occasion.

-Yes, of course.

0:26:380:26:42

-Why are you wearing a hat?

-Because managers wear hats.

0:26:420:26:45

-What's in the bag?

-It's a surprise.

0:26:450:26:47

This is the team.

0:26:470:26:49

-They're children.

-Yes, they're children.

0:26:490:26:51

-It's the Wandsworth Colts, Under-13s.

-Right, great.

0:26:510:26:54

So that's my surprise ruined, then.

0:26:540:26:56

-Your mother made these up. Football shirts, look.

-Right, OK that's not...

0:26:560:27:02

What?! Well, they're no good now cos they're too big.

0:27:020:27:05

Right. Kids, guys, everyone.

0:27:050:27:08

-Can you all come in.

-Fall in, now!

0:27:080:27:11

Right, we're not in the army.

0:27:110:27:12

So, hello, AFC Wandsworth.

0:27:120:27:15

I am Jack and this is my assistant.

0:27:150:27:18

-Introduce yourself.

-Mr Whitehall.

0:27:180:27:22

So we're going to play very simple tactics, keep it easy.

0:27:220:27:24

4-4-2. Strikers, I want lots of shots, test the goalkeeper, remember keep your head over the ball.

0:27:240:27:29

Who's ready? Anything you want to add?

0:27:290:27:33

Just a cautionary tale. When I was at a Catholic boarding school...

0:27:330:27:37

Right, OK. Right, everyone on their feet, everyone up on their feet.

0:27:370:27:40

Not appropriate.

0:27:400:27:43

Come on Wandsworth!

0:27:470:27:49

Why has one of the mothers got on the pitch?

0:27:490:27:52

-What?

-There's a woman, a mother over there.

-That's the referee.

0:27:520:27:56

-Referee?! What, a woman referee?!

-Yes, it's 2014.

0:27:560:28:00

Ridiculous!

0:28:000:28:02

Oh, God!

0:28:020:28:05

-APPLAUSE

-Come on Wandsworth!

0:28:050:28:07

-Un-fucking-believable!

-Shut up!

0:28:070:28:09

Number four, if you don't start running, I'm going to pull you off.

0:28:090:28:13

-Do you want to get put on the sex offenders' register?

-No. WHISTLE

0:28:150:28:19

We will lose this game if we let our heads drop,

0:28:190:28:22

so in the second half I want you to win every tackle,

0:28:220:28:25

I want you to crunch into them and we are going to win this game!

0:28:250:28:29

-Right, Daddy, over to you.

-Hands up who knows who Margaret Thatcher is.

0:28:290:28:37

"If our people feel that they are part of a great nation

0:28:390:28:43

"and they are prepared to will the means to keep it great,

0:28:430:28:47

"a great nation we shall be and shall remain.

0:28:470:28:51

"You turn if you want to, the lady's not for turning."

0:28:510:28:55

Right, OK, let's get back out onto the pitch.

0:28:590:29:01

Well, if that hasn't done the trick, I don't know what will.

0:29:060:29:11

Come on, guys, close him down.

0:29:110:29:14

Tackle!

0:29:140:29:16

Tackle!

0:29:160:29:18

So what's the score now? Is it four, five? I've lost count.

0:29:210:29:25

5-0. Why don't YOU go on?

0:29:250:29:28

-Why would I...?

-Well, they're playing an adult,

0:29:280:29:31

why don't you go on? Player manager, maybe you'd score a goal.

0:29:310:29:35

Mind you, knowing you, you probably wouldn't score either.

0:29:350:29:38

I could easily score against these kids.

0:29:380:29:39

-Couldn't score in a brothel.

-Well, I...

0:29:390:29:42

I could definitely score against a group of 13-year-olds.

0:29:420:29:45

All right, well, then go on and score five goals.

0:29:450:29:48

Fine.

0:29:480:29:50

Yep, I'm free! Free!

0:29:530:29:56

Come on, Jack!

0:29:560:29:58

-You're not a girl.

-Right, stop shouting at me!

0:29:580:30:00

Come on, just get stuck in, Jack.

0:30:000:30:02

Yes, I'm trying to! Stop shouting at me.

0:30:020:30:05

Go on, Jack. Oh, oh!

0:30:070:30:11

Jack, I have to say you're an utter embarrassment.

0:30:110:30:15

I don't know what to say.

0:30:150:30:17

APPLAUSE

0:30:170:30:19

Harry, what did you make of that tough approach to management that my father adopted?

0:30:260:30:29

-I don't know if you'd get away with that tough approach nowadays, Jack.

-No?

0:30:290:30:33

The players... No, years ago you could have done, but they...

0:30:330:30:36

-They need to be looked after and mollycoddled.

-They have to be mollycoddled a little bit now, mate,

0:30:360:30:40

you can't give 'em too much grief.

0:30:400:30:42

What even the tough ones? Like, if Joey Barton's had a bad game, do you need to...?

0:30:420:30:46

No, you just say, "Well done, Joey."

0:30:460:30:49

-LAUGHTER

-Really?

0:30:490:30:51

You don't want to upset Joey, really, do you? LAUGHTER

0:30:510:30:54

No, he's a good lad. He's been great.

0:30:540:30:56

Do you ever get like...?

0:30:560:30:58

You ever see a fan on the street that gives you shit for...?

0:30:580:31:02

Not really, Jack, no.

0:31:020:31:04

People are normally, you know... I mean, you saw, who was it?

0:31:040:31:07

-Who was it the other day? Tim Sherwood.

-Yeah.

0:31:070:31:11

He brought the fan out of the crowd, because the guy was giving him a bit of grief,

0:31:110:31:15

he put him in his seat and let him be the manager for five minutes, you know.

0:31:150:31:20

Did you ever think of doing that when you were at Spurs?

0:31:200:31:23

Well, I brought a guy on to play, didn't I? I brought a guy on to play one day.

0:31:230:31:26

-A West Ham fan.

-From the crowd?

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

0:31:260:31:29

-Brought him out of the crowd.

-A pre-season friendly.

-Pre-season down at Oxford.

0:31:290:31:32

He kept moaning about Lee Chapman,

0:31:320:31:34

he wouldn't leave me alone this guy all through the first half.

0:31:340:31:36

"Harry, we ain't got that Chapman up front again this year, have we?

0:31:360:31:39

"Get rid of him he's useless. Bloody useless. Harry..."

0:31:390:31:42

Then I put all the subs on, had no more subs, at half-time I put like five subs on,

0:31:420:31:47

it was only a pre-season friendly, and so suddenly we got an injury.

0:31:470:31:50

So I've only got ten men. So I turn to this guy who was stood next to the dugout,

0:31:500:31:54

he was still giving me all this grief. I went "Oi, big mouth, can you play as good as you talk?"

0:31:540:31:58

He went, "I'm better than that Chapman."

0:31:580:32:00

I said, "Come on then, get your gear on." He said, "What?!"

0:32:000:32:03

I said, "You're playing. Come on, let's see you play."

0:32:030:32:05

The guy comes down from the tannoy system, he says, "Harry who's the sub coming on?"

0:32:050:32:10

He wants to announce it on the... I said, "Who's the sub?!

0:32:100:32:12

"Haven't you been watching the World Cup?

0:32:120:32:14

"Tichyshyef the Bulgarian striker?"

0:32:140:32:17

LAUGHTER I swear to God, he went, "I thought it was him."

0:32:170:32:20

LAUGHTER

0:32:200:32:22

So he come on and played up front, he scored,

0:32:220:32:26

and to be honest he was better than Chapman.

0:32:260:32:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:290:32:32

Rachel you played football at university?

0:32:390:32:41

Yeah, I started playing at uni. We did quite well and then I joined a Sunday League team

0:32:410:32:45

-when I got home from Uni as well, which was a different kettle of fish.

-Oh, well.

0:32:450:32:48

I was better with my head than my feet.

0:32:480:32:51

-And do you still play football?

-No.

0:32:510:32:53

I joined a Sunday League team when I came home, but it was...

0:32:530:32:57

it was more like have a pint at half-time and a cigarette,

0:32:570:32:59

-so it was less what I was into, I wanted to play football.

-Yeah.

0:32:590:33:02

-You'd like to be the manager of that team, Jack.

-That' be interesting.

-Yeah.

0:33:020:33:05

You wouldn't be able to do any of your changing room routines, would you?

0:33:050:33:08

LAUGHTER

0:33:080:33:10

We found, actually, a picture of you as a young man,

0:33:100:33:15

-cos I had no idea that you had any sporting history at all.

-I didn't. I don't.

0:33:150:33:19

Well we managed to find one. My mum dug this out.

0:33:190:33:23

-This is... That's terrible quality.

-It is.

0:33:230:33:25

I think it might be cos it's from a tapestry.

0:33:250:33:29

LAUGHTER

0:33:290:33:30

You can see it better on the screen, that's Michael as a young man in...

0:33:300:33:35

It's when I was teaching, it wasn't me at school.

0:33:350:33:38

I was a prep school teacher for a couple of terms.

0:33:380:33:41

That's not what it said on the back of the photo when Mummy dug it out.

0:33:410:33:45

It actually said that that was you

0:33:450:33:46

at half-time of that game they played in the trenches on Christmas Day.

0:33:460:33:50

LAUGHTER

0:33:500:33:52

-Oh, Hilary.

-Oh, God, she's...

-She's also got a great sense of humour.

0:33:520:33:55

She has. She has.

0:33:550:33:57

That's the thing you miss cos you're so struck by the specimen.

0:33:570:34:03

-Yeah, there was always a lot of laughter coming from our bedroom wasn't there, Jack?

-Yeah.

0:34:030:34:07

-When you were a child.

-Yeah, I bet.

0:34:070:34:10

Especially when she's on the old vuvuzela.

0:34:100:34:12

LAUGHTER

0:34:120:34:14

I feel on this show so far we've been quite England heavy all night

0:34:160:34:20

and it's time for a little bit of balance.

0:34:200:34:23

The guy that I'm about to bring out is not only one of the country's finest comedians,

0:34:230:34:27

he's absolutely hilarious, but he's also just come back from a road trip through Brazil and South America.

0:34:270:34:34

So would you please welcome German comedy ambassador, Henning Wehn!

0:34:340:34:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:390:34:41

Thank you so much for coming on.

0:34:460:34:48

Hello, nice to meet you.

0:34:550:34:57

So, Henning, you are a big German football aficionado,

0:34:570:35:02

can Germany end 18 years of hurt?

0:35:020:35:05

LAUGHTER

0:35:050:35:06

Yeah, it's not only that,

0:35:060:35:08

we haven't even been to a final of a major tournament now for the best part of 72 months.

0:35:080:35:14

-So...all those days of hurt.

-LAUGHTER

0:35:140:35:17

Er... No, what can I say?

0:35:170:35:20

At this stage, well, there is 32 teams still in the competition

0:35:200:35:23

and they've all got as good a chance as each other of winning it.

0:35:230:35:26

And, in a way, winning the World Cup is fairly straightforward,

0:35:260:35:31

all you have to do is stay undefeated for seven games and then you've won the thing.

0:35:310:35:36

LAUGHTER

0:35:360:35:38

What would you say the major difference is

0:35:380:35:40

between English fans approaching the World Cup and German fans?

0:35:400:35:43

Well, this time round, actually, I think we're very similar

0:35:430:35:48

as we both haven't got too much hope of winning the thing.

0:35:480:35:52

And probably it's enjoyed differently

0:35:520:35:56

and that has a lot to do with what's happening on the pitch.

0:35:560:35:58

So if your team's winning, obviously you enjoy watching it.

0:35:580:36:02

If the team isn't winning, then it's obviously an horrific month.

0:36:020:36:05

I went to see a friendly, England versus Germany at Wembley,

0:36:050:36:08

I think we went 1-0 ahead and lost 3-1,

0:36:080:36:10

but the German fans were singing banter at us in English.

0:36:100:36:13

That's the difference, we're never going to be able to speak anybody else's language

0:36:130:36:17

to give them banter, but the German banter...

0:36:170:36:19

So, you're saying it's the bilinguality that's the secret of my team?

0:36:190:36:23

The secret of your success. Do you think England fans bang on about the victory in 1966 too much?

0:36:230:36:29

Well, there is little else they CAN bang on about.

0:36:290:36:32

LAUGHTER

0:36:320:36:34

APPLAUSE

0:36:340:36:35

Harry, you played with some of the West Ham team that played in the World Cup in...

0:36:350:36:42

We had three players played in that World Cup winning team, yeah. Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst, Martin Peters.

0:36:420:36:47

So was your... Were West Ham amazing?

0:36:470:36:49

-Did you win every...every game?

-Well, we had those three lads,

0:36:490:36:53

as I say they played in the final of the World Cup,

0:36:530:36:56

we had Bobby Ferguson in goal,

0:36:560:36:57

the most expensive goalkeeper in the world.

0:36:570:37:00

We had Billy Bonds. And our average finishing position was 16th.

0:37:000:37:04

So it only goes to show you just how crap the other four of us must have been.

0:37:040:37:08

LAUGHTER

0:37:080:37:09

Henning, you've just come back from Brazil, you did a road trip?

0:37:090:37:12

-Hmm.

-A series for Dave?

0:37:120:37:14

Did they welcome you with open arms?

0:37:140:37:16

Yeah, I would say so. They was...

0:37:160:37:19

I mean, I met quite a few former footballers like Zamorano

0:37:190:37:23

-and...Rivelino and what have you.

-Rivelino, fantastic.

0:37:230:37:28

And the one that was the maddest one was one of your old lot, Javier Margas.

0:37:280:37:33

Oh, no! You found him, did you?

0:37:330:37:35

-Yeah!

-Don't.

-Are you still... Are you looking for him?

0:37:350:37:38

-Yeah!

-I can give you his address.

-I signed a...

0:37:380:37:40

Yeah, he's a Chilean international and he was a good player

0:37:400:37:43

and I signed him. He came to West Ham, Margas, he was the captain of Chile.

0:37:430:37:47

I went to the World Cup, watched him play three times in the World Cup, he was fantastic.

0:37:470:37:51

He played at Wembley against England.

0:37:510:37:53

Came over, he was only here three weeks.

0:37:530:37:56

He came over, we gave him... We put him in a house out in Chelmsford somewhere,

0:37:560:38:00

gave him a car, he didn't speak a word of English.

0:38:000:38:04

He ends up getting in the car, comes to the training ground,

0:38:040:38:06

he ends up going the wrong way, ends up 100 miles away from the training ground somewhere, the poor fella.

0:38:060:38:13

His wife's cried all day, the next thing he wants to go home.

0:38:130:38:16

He ends up in a hotel, we put him in a hotel, try...

0:38:160:38:19

We go to meet him to talk to him about, "Look, please, you know, things will get better."

0:38:190:38:24

Go to his room, the window's open,

0:38:240:38:27

he's jumped out the second floor window on to the...and disappeared.

0:38:270:38:30

We never found him again. LAUGHTER

0:38:300:38:32

-He went back to Chile.

-What he went back to fucking Chile?!

-He went back to Chile!

0:38:320:38:36

I'm still looking for him, that was 20-odd years ago.

0:38:360:38:39

-And you found him.

-You'll be pleased to know, he's now running a chain of sex motels.

0:38:390:38:43

LAUGHTER Is he really?

0:38:430:38:46

Yeah, he is.

0:38:460:38:47

The best thing that I learnt though from watching your show

0:38:470:38:50

is the thing about the Uruguayan player in the 1930 World Cup final

0:38:500:38:56

who played and won the World Cup and he only had one arm.

0:38:560:39:01

Yeah, but a bigger achievement would have been if he only had one leg.

0:39:010:39:04

LAUGHTER

0:39:040:39:06

I mean, you try not to touch the ball anyway, so...

0:39:060:39:09

That's him, he was in the World Cup final and he only had one arm.

0:39:090:39:12

Well, it's an interesting story, it's like the Chilean Figueroa who was...

0:39:120:39:18

Well, he was one of the big stars of them in the late '60s.

0:39:180:39:22

When he was young he had polio and so, if you then look at back in the day,

0:39:220:39:26

people had health conditions they had to overcome and could still make it as professional footballers.

0:39:260:39:31

So in these days, I mean...

0:39:310:39:33

Sorry, but I've just noticed that picture.

0:39:330:39:35

It looks like that man with the hat's only got one arm as well.

0:39:350:39:38

As you sure it's not a match of people with one arm?

0:39:380:39:41

LAUGHTER

0:39:410:39:43

His is just hidden underneath his body, that's the man with one arm.

0:39:430:39:46

So, you reckon it's a photo from the Paralympics?

0:39:460:39:49

Well, I wasn't going to say that, but...

0:39:490:39:51

-Why would we have faked a photograph and...

-It's a bit pre-Paralympics, probably.

0:39:510:39:55

No, it's actually a very sad story, how he lost his arm, it was...

0:39:550:39:58

it was bitten off by Luis Suarez's great-great-grandfather.

0:39:580:40:02

LAUGHTER

0:40:020:40:04

APPLAUSE

0:40:040:40:05

-Very good.

-So one final question.

0:40:100:40:13

I want to get predictions from everyone about the World Cup.

0:40:130:40:16

I'm going to ask you the same question Jamie Redknapp asked me on the League of Their Own wrap party.

0:40:160:40:21

Who do you think is most likely to go all the way?

0:40:210:40:24

LAUGHTER

0:40:240:40:27

Harry?

0:40:270:40:28

I'd have to fancy Argentina.

0:40:280:40:30

-Rachel?

-Erm, I think Spain are on a roll, I'll go Spain again.

0:40:300:40:35

Someone's going to have to say England. Come on, James, patriotic.

0:40:350:40:38

-I think Brazil will win the World Cup.

-Brazil?

-Yeah.

0:40:380:40:40

-Henning?

-Yeah, I do it like every good football pundit does it.

0:40:400:40:45

Yeah, Brazil they're at home.

0:40:450:40:47

Argentina they've got a good team. Never write off the Germans.

0:40:470:40:51

The Spanish they had shown in the past they can do it. Iran have got different threats

0:40:510:40:57

and North Korea they're a bit dark horses.

0:40:570:41:01

Yeah, and then just rattle through all 32.

0:41:010:41:04

-Have you not mentioned England?

-Huh?

-Have you still not mentioned England?

0:41:040:41:08

Oh, yeah, England. They've shown in the past that they can do it,

0:41:080:41:10

-so...

-LAUGHTER

0:41:100:41:13

APPLAUSE

0:41:130:41:15

-Father.

-You don't need to ask me.

-Why?

-Well, England, of course.

0:41:200:41:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:240:41:28

Oh, thank you.

0:41:280:41:30

Thank you to all of my guests tonight,

0:41:320:41:34

Henning Wehn, Rachel Riley, James Corden and Harry Redknapp.

0:41:340:41:38

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Now, here is something very special for you.

0:41:380:41:42

Father, get ready for an experience.

0:41:420:41:44

The sizzling passion of a Rio carnival in all its pulsating, rhythmic splendour.

0:41:440:41:50

Here to play out the show and samba us out,

0:41:500:41:53

please welcome out very own Backchat Brazilian dancers!

0:41:530:41:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:560:41:58

BRAZILIAN PERCUSSIVE MUSIC

0:41:580:42:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:540:42:56

Jack Whitehall and his father Michael return for a World Cup special of their comedy chat show, joined by Harry Redknapp, James Corden, comedian Henning Wehn and Countdown's Rachel Riley as they all look ahead to Brazil 2014.