Backchat Looks Back Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Backchat Looks Back,

a chance for me and my father to take a look back

over some of the big talking points of 2015.

You won't be surprised to hear it has not been an easy thing to do

with my father.

We had a few differences of opinion as to what people were

talking about in 2015.

I felt that it was all about Kim and Kanye's new baby

and Arsenal winning the cup.

Daddy reckoned that everyone had been talking about

the rising cost of vintage cognac.

But what a year it has been.

We had the election, where the British public decided

we didn't want Ed Miliband because he couldn't eat a bacon sandwich.

Yeah, 2015 was very much the year we decided that what

we want in a leader is a man who knows his way around a bit of pig.

LAUGHTER

Over Easter, we had genuine drama with

the Hatton Garden jewellery raid.

What I love most about the Hatton Garden jewellery raid

is that the gang were in their 70s.

They spent ages drilling through the wall to get inside and then they

couldn't remember why they had gone in there in the first place.

To be honest, when I heard people had drilled through concrete

to get their hands on £200 million worth of jewellery,

I assumed they'd attacked Jimmy Savile's grave.

GROANING, LAUGHTER

Good - that joke is what we call an audience tester.

It's good that we have worked out where the line is nice and early.

It was a big year for TV.

The world was shocked to hear that someone had been punched on Top Gear,

and even more amazed to find out that it wasn't Richard Hammond.

The X Factor had a big shake-up.

They decided to get rid of Dermot O'Leary, Mel B, Louis Walsh

and 60% of their viewers.

The Voice managed to produce yet another winner who has

never been seen again.

Seriously, that show has made more people disappear than North Korea.

LAUGHTER

And it's official, ladies and gentlemen, the biggest show on TV

once again this year was The Great British Bake Off. Oh, yes!

I love that that's the biggest show on UK TV. I think it's fantastic.

You can have all the drugs and violence and sex on TV.

This nation would rather have a cheeky reference to a soggy bottom.

No-one gets bullied or humiliated or told that their life will

change in any way once the competition is over.

There are no conspiracy theories or bloody Westlife music every time

a cake doesn't rise. There's no sob stories, either, on the Bake Off.

There's no time for sob stories. People don't have time to whinge about their aunt with

a glass eye when they're trying to construct a scale model

of Peterborough Town Hall out of bloody meringue.

But the best thing about Bake Off...

Genuinely, the best thing about the Bake Off is if you have ever tried to explain it to an American,

they simply cannot get their heads around it.

Ten people in a tent making custard.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "But how much money do you win?

"How much money does the winner get?"

Nothing! Absolutely bugger all!

That's the beauty of it. No massive cheque, no TV show, no book deal.

At the end of ten weeks of blood, sweat and pastry, the only prize

that the winner gets is the praise of a pensioner, and a cake stand.

LAUGHTER

At the cinema, we had a new Bond, Star Wars, Mad Max,

and another Steve Jobs film.

Can I just say, on behalf of everyone, we're done

with the Steve Jobs films now? They only had one out the other day.

Then, like, five minutes later, they bring out a new one that's

a bit better, but basically does exactly the same thing.

To be fair, it's what he would have wanted.

LAUGHTER

2015 saw technology cross new frontiers.

You could stay in a robot hotel, drive a driverless car

if you dared, or travel by Swegway

if you didn't mind looking like an absolute swanker.

It also saw Apple launch a watch that you can talk to.

To be fair, long before Apple launched that product,

I had told my father that his new digital watch was voice-activated.

To be honest, I do it with all technology that my parents now buy.

Printer, new microwave - I just tell

my dad that it's voice-activated, then sit back and enjoy the show.

Trust me, you have not known true joy until you have seen a 75-year-old man

tell an electric blanket to go fuck itself.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, let's welcome out the old dear.

Yes, he is Britain's answer to Donald Trump,

if the question America was asking was,

"I wonder what Donald Trump would be like if he was even more right wing?"

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my co-host, Michael Whitehall.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

-Not in a good mood... Hello, Father.

-I'm fine. I'm fine.

-How are you?

-I brought my diary. That's all right, isn't it?

-Your diary.

-What is it, a review of the year? Are we going to go through your diary day by day, are we?

-No.

A lot of doctor's appointments, I imagine.

I've just jotted down a few things.

So, Father, we're going to be taking a look back over the year.

We are reviewing the year. What you can remember of it.

To be honest, I imagine I will be doing most of the stories from January to November

and then you can pick up somewhere around...this morning.

LAUGHTER

Depending on whether you had that glass of wine at lunch.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-It's going to be a very fun and frivolous show.

We're going to be looking back, having fun with the big stories.

These people haven't come to listen to you wittering on.

-Let's do some serious stuff.

-Like what?

-How about immigration?

-Can we get into that?

-Yeah, let's start with immigration(!)

That's a really fun place to start for this entertainment show.

No, we're going to look at things like music, TV, film.

But it's going to be fun. We don't want to be talking about immigration.

Let's start with films. What was your favourite film of 2015, Father?

I think the reprint of Brief Encounter...

-That's not your favourite film of 2015.

-Yeah.

-When was that film made?

-1948, 1949.

-It wasn't your favourite film of 2015, it was made in 1948.

It was in special high definition.

Celia Johnson's face looked amazing.

Well, good on Celia Johnson, whoever she is.

I'm talking about a film that was made this year.

It has to be a film from this year. What films did you like this year?

I saw that horror film.

And you know I don't really like horror films,

but I have to say, I did actually think it was quite good.

But it was really, really scary.

-Insidious?

-No.

Paranormal Activity?

Suffragette.

LAUGHTER

Right. 2015 is too big a year for us to deal with on our own.

So we've got some guests to help with the heavy lifting

and to balance out the opinions of a ranting pensioner.

What an all-rounder my first guest is.

He's a comedian, impressionist, singer, actor, game-show host,

lover, dancer, and possibly cage fighter.

It's the brilliant Rob Brydon.

And with him is the host of Only Connect,

the show so smart it makes QI look like Celebrity Juice.

Would you please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell!

Lovely to see you.

Victoria, Rob, thank you so much for coming on the show.

So, 2015. Victoria - presumably your personal highlight was having a baby?

-Well...

-APPLAUSE

Well, I also got a wireless printer.

It's amazing.

Is that as amazing as having a human?

Created by you?

I feel like more people have had a baby than have used a wireless printer.

-Just technologically...

-That is true.

Yes, no, look, it's lovely to have a baby. And I worry about...

Not everyone has them. Some people want them.

They don't to hear me wanging on about how it's great.

It's also important to emphasise it is brilliant NOT to have a baby.

And you had a baby girl, which is wonderful.

Father, you've had girls and boys.

What would you say is easier, in your opinion?

Girls.

My daughter Molly, she was just beautiful and no trouble. He...

Nightmare.

Let me tell you, he used to poo in his nappy...

-Why? What...?

-..three, four, five,

six times a day. But it wasn't just a straight poo. He would arrive...

-Let me put this down.

-Why... Why?

He would arrive in the room, usually when we had guests,

because coming from a showbiz family, we had

quite a lot of famous people.

He would come in with a nappy hanging off him,

with the poo in it.

And then in this department, it was all caked in.

LAUGHTER

-Which you don't get with girls.

-I had a settling-in question.

This is what you call, in a chat show, a settler question.

You bring guests out and you settle them by talking about stuff.

That is the least settling thing to ever talk about.

Well, it made a big change to my life.

Judi Dench has never spoken to me since that night. You know what you did with her.

I know, but I wouldn't be complaining about changing my nappies,

because I'm going to be doing it for you soon.

LAUGHTER

So hurtful.

-You don't have children, do you, Jack?

-I don't.

No, I think that's for the best.

LAUGHTER

The words Social Services...

The thought of this man responsible for a child.

Rob, your personal highlight? Maybe turning 50? You turned 50 this year.

I did, yes. I was 50. So that was... I already have children.

I have done all that. So turning 50 was a big deal.

You know, it's quite a milestone.

-Have you had any midlife crisis stuff?

-You start...

Things definitely start to change.

You start to feel the aches and pains a bit more.

You don't get up quite so quickly.

You make the noise when you sit down.

-GROANING:

-Oh, here we go!

You do that quite involuntarily. So it's not great, you know.

But I'm taking it in my stride.

So that is Rob and Victoria's personal highlights of 2015.

But what did Herr Father find most interesting this year?

We decided to take him to an edit suite so he could pick

video clips of what he considered to be the year's biggest events.

After I had explained to him what an edit suite was

and videos were, it looked something like this.

The year's most notable event was the glorious return to power of

the Conservative Party, who defeated the socialists by a landslide.

Was it?!

Right, those people are not celebrating David Cameron's

-election victory.

-Of course they are.

That one's in black and white.

Anyway, surely the bigger story from the election is the SNP's

incredible performance?

The less said about that Jimmy Krankie lookalike, the better.

-Right, you cannot say that about Nicola Sturgeon.

-Well, I have.

A new Labour leader. The great Jeremy Corbyn.

What's Jeremy Corbyn doing in your highlights package?

I'm a huge fan of Corbyn's. I think he's an amazing man.

Princess Charlotte's arrival was a highlight of everyone's year.

-Slightly less surprising choice.

-Your mother loves a royal baby.

Got her a bit broody.

I won't go into too much detail, but let's say

we pushed the beds together.

LAUGHTER

You have gone into too much detail.

Ah, so what's this story?

Let me guess. The Queen giving the old...

-Nazi salute.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

This is about her being the longest-reigning monarch

-of all time.

-I mean, they do last a lot longer

-when they don't have to ride into battle.

-Shh!

I wanted this whole show to be about this story.

The Backchat Royal Special.

Oh, my hero!

THAT'S who I wanted as our studio guest.

What a wonderful achievement. 63 years on the throne.

Right, I think we've heard enough of this. Can we move on to another story, please?

Right, this is the Queen's new portrait on the £1 coin.

-An amazing likeness.

-Right, no more royal stories, please.

-We've heard enough of the Royals.

-This is your monarch.

-Do you have no respect for her?

-I... She's great. Good on her.

But can we have a story that isn't related to the Royals?

All right, all right. No more royal stories.

You must have one highlight from this year that's a little bit more exciting?

OK. If you are talking about exciting, look at this.

Now, this was the completion of the restoration work on

Lye and Wollescote Chapel.

I mean...you've got to be kidding me.

Amazing, isn't it? They did a beautiful job.

-This is one of your highlights of the year?

-Yeah.

The restoration work to some random chapel.

-You've never heard of that chapel?

-No!

Anyway, I know why you're doing this. You've just brought this up

because you want the bloke that did the restoration work to do you.

-Give the scaffolder a shout out.

-Very funny.

Give you 25% off a touch-up.

LAUGHTER

The only person I allow to touch me up is your mother.

LAUGHTER

Well, this was the highlight and the lowlight of

the wonderful Downton Abbey coming to an end.

It was such a fantastic show.

And you know me, I don't usually like reality television.

It's not a reality show.

Why do they have to show this bit?

-Oh, I didn't like this bit at all.

-Really?

This is probably my favourite scene ever.

HE CHOKES

It reminded me a bit of that dinner party we had

when Mummy told you she had bought in the food from Lidl.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. So there we have some items.

I think we'll skip over Lye and Wollescote Chapel

and go to the election first.

So, Victoria, how did the opinion polls get it so wrong?

I don't know.

-I bet on an outright Tory win and made quite a lot of money.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-Because all the polls said it would be the other way.

They said it was because... Did they say ashamed Tories?

-Shy Tories.

-Or was it shy Tories? Shy Tories.

People who are too embarrassed to say they were going to

vote for Cameron, but when it came to it, actually went and did it.

As opposed to a proud Tory?

Father, were you excited about the prospect of Ed Miliband getting in?

-I imagine you were.

-No, you know I wasn't. You know what I would do.

I had made... I mean, not final plans,

but I had pretty much worked out how I could live in Sydney, Australia.

My friend Diana Fisher had found a really nice house. Four bedrooms.

-You were going to emigrate?

-Looking out at Sydney Harbour Bridge.

-Absolute rubbish.

-What do you mean?

The only way you're going to Australia is if

I'm A Celebrity drop the need for a medical.

LAUGHTER

Do you think one of the things that is going to haunt Ed is this?

Ed's decision to get the old policies up on a stone.

How can you get it so wrong?

This man - and there's a fair chance you might lose -

let's have something that looks like a tombstone?

Daddy, you paid to have your political manifesto carved into a stone.

-No.

-You did! We have a picture of it. There it was.

LAUGHTER

There is going to be someone at home, a member of the Ukip Party

that's watching this and going, "That's a bloody good idea."

I like Ed Miliband. I like him. I think he's rather attractive.

-I could see him on Only Connect.

-He's quite Only Connect.

-He's very Only Connect.

-He is. He's one of our kinds of person.

If the world is ready to have a quizzer Prime Minister,

they need to come and have a chat with me first.

I have a theory that the British people -

regardless of all the democracy that there is now, by social media,

everybody has a voice - there's a part of us,

deeply ingrained, that wants to be governed by posh people.

-Something in us responds. That's why Downton Abbey is so popular.

-Yeah.

-We like people who talk like this.

-POSH VOICE:

-And now we've got

a Prime Minister who talks like that, we've got

a Chancellor who talks like that.

You like a pilot that talks like that, as well.

That's why I always go British Airways.

They do sound very, very posh.

-POSH VOICE:

-"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard

"this British Airways flight to Bahrain. My name is

"Captain Fotherington-Smythe. I went to Cambridge.

"You're safe." Whereas on easyJet,

it's more like a local radio DJ.

-LADDISH VOICE:

-"A very good morning to you, ladies.

"And, gentlemen, thanks for bringing them onboard."

I like that educated voice.

I was on a German airline once and it had the best pilot ever.

Again, it was exactly the same thing.

You just felt like you were totally safe in his hands.

I'm a really nervous flyer.

We went through this pocket of turbulence

and he came onto the PA system and he was like...

SHOUTING IN A GERMAN ACCENT: "Ladies and gentlemen, please do not be alarmed!"

Cue everyone shitting themselves.

And the best thing I ever heard...

He went, "We are experiencing some turbulence problems,

"but do not worry, I will find solution to the weather!"

LAUGHTER

What has gone is statesmanship.

People used to like to have a statesman running the country.

Anthony Eden, Harold Macmillan.

You're going back quite a long way, aren't you?

Winston Churchill.

I can do even better than that. But now, what you get is that man.

-Jeremy Corbyn?

-Jeremy Corbyn. In those sandals.

-Technically, Jeremy Corbyn is not running the country.

-No.

He's not running the Labour Party. Let's be honest.

The Corbyn appeal is very clearly that he is the antimatter to

-Cameron, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-He is the exact opposite. Cameron is polished.

Cameron looks like he could really efficiently run

a big branch of Foxtons.

LAUGHTER

And he would run it like a dream. I mean...

And you would get to know him in the community.

And you'd say, "I really hope Dave shows us around the house,

"because he's lovely. And I think he's going to get us a good deal."

And I think that's it.

Now, HE looks like he would struggle to run a Greggs.

-Doesn't he? But I feel he is telling the truth.

-Yeah!

-That's the big difference. Oh...

-Ah, here he is.

He looks like someone that's had his luggage lost on a flight.

You asked me why I picked Corbyn in that little thing we did.

You're a fan of his? Because he's an older gentleman like you?

I said I was a fan of his because he has ensured that

there will certainly never be another socialist government

in my lifetime.

And probably not in yours. So, for me, he is a hero.

He's done a wonderful job.

Nicola Sturgeon, again,

a very different voice to have in politics now.

Do we remember how The Sun celebrated having

a strong female presence on the political...?

LAUGHTER

Um... Father, were you happy about the SNP,

and how well they did in the election?

Why am I even asking that question?

No. I mean, I'm all in favour of them...

I think everyone should go where they want to go.

I think we should get rid of the Scots,

SNP and all that.

Get rid of them?

-Just move them up to Scotland.

-They're already in Scotland.

Technically, Scotland is already in Scotland.

To make it a kind of independent Scotland,

I think, is a very good idea.

-Right.

-And gradually move some of the other... I mean, I love Wales.

-I go to Wales a lot.

-Oh, here we go. Here we go!

-I have a lot of friends in Wales.

-Have you?

I mean, they're all English, but, I mean, I know...

LAUGHTER

.. a big circle of Welsh friends and I'm very fond of Wales,

but if Wales wanted to go off...

Where?!

-Well, their own country.

-Into the sea!

They want their own country.

Then in East Anglia, with all that interbreeding.

STOP!

LAUGHTER

So, what's left?

Then we just have one country, a sort of smaller country,

which would have London at its centre

and the sort of Home Counties.

-So you'd have Surrey, Sussex, that area...

-Essex?

-No, not Essex.

-LAUGHTER

It would be the Southern Home Counties and London

and then you'd call it whatever you wanted.

Londonshire or London something and then you get...

Then Boris would be perfect to organise it all.

You are aware this show doesn't just go out in London as well.

-It will be shown in Scotland.

-Is it?

LAUGHTER

-I thought that was separate. BBC Scotland. No?

-No.

Because, when you watch television, they say,

"We welcome viewers from BBC Scotland" sometimes, don't they?

Yes.

On this, they say, "If you're watching this on BBC Scotland,

"it's probably best you switch off now."

When I grew up in Wales, they'd have some fantastic show coming up

on BBC One and then they would say, "except for viewers in Wales."

And then we would get the farming news or...

-Pobly Cym.

-Or Pobly Cym, yeah.

In Wales, yes, we've got an Assembly,

but that's an excuse for a chat.

That's what that is. We don't have a...

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"You can take our land,

"but you'll never take our freedom." We're more...

-HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT:

-"You can take our land!"

LAUGHTER

It's just very, very different personalities.

"Don't forget our freedom before you go!"

LAUGHTER

"Thanks for coming! Give us a ring when you get back."

Before this turns into Newsnight, we're going to move on from politics.

We're going to turn our attention to some of the salacious scandals

that we had this year.

First up, we're going to be talking about

the hacking of the Ashley Madison database.

Oh!

This was a story from earlier in the year, when 33 million people

who were looking for affairs online

had their details released to the world.

Rob, were you sweating?

-Well, I feel...

-LAUGHTER

I feel strongly about this.

If you... And I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.

If you are going to cheat on your partner, on your spouse,

and you're doing it through a website, there has to be trust.

LAUGTHER

I mean, there was a complete breakdown of that trust.

That's no way to run an affair!

LAUGHTER

Well, what everyone said, which I found hilarious, people always said,

"My e-mail address was used."

And the site, I think, tried to help their customers by saying,

"Oh, no. We never check the e-mail address."

As if you would register for a sex site

-with someone else's e-mail address.

-I know.

What is the point of that? Or the sex offers.

I don't really know how it works. Is that how it works?

The sex offers would be posted to the other...

No, not one person ever used someone else... A friend of theirs.

Yeah, and then the sex can just be sent to them.

Father, did you hear about Ashley Madison?

-I did, yes.

-Are you aware of it?

Yes, only...only vaguely.

But a successful man like you,

-an alpha male, if I can use...

-Oh, thank you.

-Well, I have!

..use that expression, surely will have had opportunities

over the years on business trips into the Home Counties...

-LAUGHTER

-..and sometimes beyond.

-Yes.

Did you ever succumb, on a dark night, in the Winchester Travelodge?

LAUGHTER

Thinking of Mrs Whitehall back home, struggling,

as he was flinging his faeces around the room,

pelting, pebble dashing Judi Dench.

Did you ever think, "Well, look, I deserve a little break from it"?

-You don't have to answer that question!

-No.

LAUGHTER

Now, it was also a bad year for going to the dentist,

particularly if you were a Zimbabwean lion.

There was outrage earlier this year

when an American dentist paid 50,000 US dollars to have an elderly lion

lured out of a game reserve so he could shoot it.

It was a despicable act

and made for a very controversial episode of The Hunt.

Er... My favourite thing about this is there was a petition signed

and sent to Robert Mugabe.

When you're trying to get Robert Mugabe

to step in as the moral arbiter,

you know something has gone seriously wrong.

LAUGHTER

That's one of the things that was weird about the story,

because it's just been a year of such sort of...

You know, terrible mass death among people - Happy Christmas! -

that people can't cope, they don't know what to do about that.

They're absolutely flummoxed and, somehow, one lion -

it's terrible and tragic and the dentist is a real tosser -

but it doesn't ultimately matter compared to the huge numbers

of people that died, but we don't know what to do about that.

You can get your head round this more easily, can't you?

To be honest, I'd only just got over the death of Mufasa when this appeared.

LAUGHTER

It's also shocking how much it cost, like,

when you read that it's 50,000 to shoot a lion,

I was also worried about how much dentists are getting paid.

You would be so annoyed if you were one of his patients.

I could tell you about how much dentists cost.

I mean, I had his teeth...

I mean, you wouldn't believe his teeth.

-Were they bad?

-Oh, terrible

And his sister, Molly, really bad.

I just thought, we'll punt in some money.

You know, we were paying money in school fees.

-What?

-What about Barnaby, your other child's teeth?

-Barnaby.

No, we left those.

-Um...

-Do we not talk about Barnaby?

-No!

I spent so much money on their teeth from the age of sort of five or six,

right through to sort of 18 or 19.

And the dentist made a fortune.

I met him once on his way to the Isle of Man,

you know, stuffing away a bit of money.

I mean, he could have shot a pride of lions with the amount of money

that I paid him, Mr... erm. What was he called?

Don't say his name on TV!

LAUGHTER

Um, now, Daddy, being the old queen that you are,

we know you wanted to talk about the Royal year.

So, to help us do that, will you please welcome a royal biographer

and, more importantly, the real Queen of the Jungle, ladies and gentlemen,

it's Lady Colin Campbell!

CHEERING

-Hello, Lady Colin Campbell.

-Hello.

-Lovely to see you.

-Lovely to see you!

Lady C, thank you so much for joining us

and bringing Cecil the lion as well, by the looks of things.

Now, I loved you in I'm A Celebrity.

Absolutely amazing. Have you recovered from that experience yet?

-Oh, yes!

-You were pleased to be out of there?

Oh, darling! Who would want to be in my place?

It was a hell hole filled with two ghastly people

and some other reasonably nice people.

MUTED LAUGHTER

You were very clear on I'm A Celebrity that you were doing it

-to pay for the roof of your, um, castle.

-Yes.

Are the repairs going well?

Well... Yes, they're going all right,

but I could do with a lot more money.

-A lot more money.

-A lot more money, yes.

Is that why you're here this evening?

Yes, that's why I was in the jungle. You know, a roof is

a very expensive proposition and the rest of it needs to be done as well.

So...

I'm sorry, the fee you will have got for tonight

wouldn't pay for a chimney pot, would it?!

LAUGHTER

Unless you've got a special deal.

I think it would pay for two chimney pots.

LAUGHTER

-Obviously, in the jungle, you lost your temper.

-No!

-A little bit!

-No!

You had quite...

I was a model of restraint, let me tell you.

If you had known what was going on, if you had been there,

I was an absolute model of restraint.

I should have lost my temper a lot sooner and a lot more.

You're the only person who made my dad look like the Dalai llama.

LAUGHTER

You were firing on all cylinders!

Anyone who didn't see it, we have to, now, have a little reminder

of Lady Colin Campbell in action in the jungle.

This is what happens when a member of the aristocracy

is forced to live for seven days on a diet of crocodile dick.

You can all bugger off! I'm going back to camp.

There is nothing anybody can say to me

that is going to induce me to change my mind.

-You won't even give it a go?

-Absolutely not a chance.

Are you sure?

Do I look as if I'm not sure?

-I just think you might as well give it a go.

-Why should I?

-Well, I'm just...

-Absolutely not!

-We...

I think the whole thing is an impertinence and an outrage.

-I know, but...

-No is the answer!

-There's a...

-No, no, no!

-There's a...

-LAUGHTER

-Somebody needs to take me back!

LAUGHTER

The question on everyone's lips, have you bought a Christmas present

for Tony Hadley or Duncan Bannatyne?

Who are those people?

LAUGHTER Can I say, the other thing about you

-that I absolutely adore is your voice.

-Thank you.

Your voice is what every accent I try to do ends up sounding like.

LAUGHTER

-Really?

-Yeah. Posh Jamaican, everything.

Geordie - Posh Jamaican. Everything.

-Did you grow up in Jamaica?

-Yes, of course.

Well, you say "of course". I don't know!

Everyone grew up in Jamaica except you!

-Oh, OK.

-With an accent like mine, where else could I have grown-up?

Highgrove?

LAUGHTER

Now, Lady C, you are, of course, by trade a royal biographer.

This year, the Queen became our longest-reigning monarch.

My question to you, though, is is it time she stood aside

-and let Harry have a go?

-Harry?

-Yeah.

-Darling!

-Everyone would love him to have a go.

Darling, with due respect, the monarchy is not a comedic exercise.

LAUGHTER

You know, he's a very good-looking guy.

He's great fun, but you want a head of state

who's wonderful as the Queen is.

She's the most experienced politician on earth.

I mean, why would she step aside for...

a hunky, chunky, dunky guy that really isn't even in line

to succeed to the throne.

Unless there is a very convenient plane crash that gets rid of

brother, nephew and niece.

Come on! Give me a break!

If anything happened to the Queen, God forbid,

I would like to see Prince Philip take over as Prince Regent.

LAUGHTER

He's 94!

He's an amazing man.

Actually, was an amazing man. He still is, but he's very old now.

But he was the father of the ecological movement.

I mean, Prince Philip has been sorely underrated.

Where has he been badly rated? On Amazon?

LAUGHTER

-You mean, just in the way people make fun of him and...

-Yes.

-People like him. Young comedians.

-I'm not making fun of him!

I think his life has had some compensations.

How do you mean compensations? What do you mean?

Well, I mean his great fleet of palaces,

the constant foreign travel,

guest of honour, the endless money, jewels, cars, boats, planes,

the Royal train, the fleet of servants...

You're talking about Lady C's rider now!

LAUGHTER

My favourite moment of the Royal year came from Michael Whitehall's

spirit animal, Prince Philip,

who took no prisoners during a royal photocall.

-PRESENTER:

-And at a reception with Battle of Britain pilots,

the Duke, perhaps momentarily, became rather too at ease

among other military veterans,

telling the photographer to get on with it in no uncertain terms.

BLEEP!

Of course, the year wasn't just jam-packed with a general election,

huge breaches of personal data,

cruelty to animals and the birth of a possible future Queen,

there was some important stuff, too.

Here's a round-up of my biggest talking points of the year.

The biggest story this year was the tragedy that rocked us all.

-No, no, he's not.

-I don't believe that.

-No, he's not.

It's true.

This will be the death of former Foreign Secretary Geoffrey Howe.

No, it's One Direction splitting up.

# Saw the mistakes of up and down

# Meet in the middle... #

-Who?

-One Direction.

# Nobody can drag me down... #

Unbelievable!

In happier news, my broken heart was put back together

when Charlie rejoined Busted.

Oh, joy of joys! That is what I go to school for.

# That's what I go to school for

# Even though it isn't real, boy... #

I spent a fortune on your education. Look what I've ended up with!

You talking about this drivel.

OK. Well, my next highlight from the year was the Queen.

-Good!

-Doing a Nazi salute.

-Nonsense!

-It wasn't.

No, the whole thing was rubbish.

We all do silly things when we are a child.

You were always getting your willy out in front of everybody.

Right, one of my favourite moments of 2015 was surely this,

our first female bishop.

Yep, just 500 short years after the formation of the Anglican Church,

they finally decided to let women have a go, too.

I think it's best if I don't comment...

LAUGHTER

..other than to say, if God wanted women to be bishops,

he wouldn't have given them...

It was also a great year for the Lionesses.

The England Women's team proved

that they are just as good as the men and that their place is on the pitch.

I know what you're doing and I won't rise to it.

-David Cameron next.

-Much better.

So, you agree with me, the Tory election...

What is that?

This was the big story about

the Government's new quota for meat and poultry imports.

Why, what did you think...?

Oh, my God, you didn't think that this was about...?

-So rank.

-What? No, I'm just doing a story about farming.

You've assumed that it's about someone putting their dick in a pig.

And finally, my hero of the year was Caitlyn Jenner,

a woman whose bravery and dignity was a lesson to us all.

Mmm. Very fine looking woman, I'd say.

I'd take her to the Ivy for a quiet supper.

I might even take her back to Putney for a glass of port afterwards.

She's become such an icon in 2015,

we barely even remember she used to be Bruce.

You go to a lot of Hollywood stuff and...

LAUGHTER

Are you... Are you OK? Father?

You've gone a little pale.

Daddy?

I think I'm going to have to go and get a breath of air.

CHEERING

I don't... I mean, I'm absolutely fine about her. I really am.

We're going to move on. I don't want to dwell on it for too long,

because I know everyone is still a little bit...a little bit raw.

One Direction splitting up -

Rob, are you crying into your pillow every night?

I took the break-up of One Direction remarkably well.

I said to myself when I heard, "I'm not going to let this get to me"

and I... It passed me by almost without notice.

Lady C, were you upset about One Direction?

I've never heard anything they've done

and, with a bit of luck, I never will.

-Wow.

-My knowledge of...

-More of a Wanted fan, methinks.

I really worry that, as that was the One Direction chat,

that this next segment may be a bit of a struggle as well.

It was a huge year for Justin Bieber...

He spent most of the time trying to redeem his image.

However, he found himself most talked about in 2015

when this picture of him on holiday appeared on the internet.

We've had to censor it out.

-That's horrible.

-This was a photo that was released online this year

of Justin Bieber. What was most incredible, though, about this

picture coming out was the response of Justin Bieber's estranged father,

who used this opportunity to get in touch with his son via Twitter

with this genuine message to his son...

Well, I can tell you, I know that he's no relation of somebody

who was in the jungle with me.

Oh. Wow. What, really?

There's someone that wasn't feeding it enough?

Well, I don't think it ever got fed at all.

Just narrow it down. Is it either Ant or Dec?

Neither Ant nor Dec.

Ant and Dec are very sexy.

You don't have to tell me, Lady C.

-His father tweeted...

-I know!

.."What do you feed that thing? #Prouddaddy"?!

-It's wrong, it's inappropriate.

-What's inappropriate about it?

-One should be proud of one's children.

-Up to a point!

If they do well in the sack race on sports day, yes.

If they don't drop the egg...

-Let's stop at sack.

-Well, yes, not a sack race the way you're thinking.

But there's something, you've got to have boundaries, Lady C. Boundaries.

-Why?

-Why? Otherwise you get the breakdown of society

-and we don't want that, do we?

-No.

Let me tell you this. I've been a parent for about six months.

I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm kind of klutzy.

I don't know how much she's meant to eat, when she's meant to sleep, what's too hot or too cold.

I can tell you, there will be no time in that child's life

when I'm telling the world what I think ABOUT HER GENITALS!

I wouldn't tell about my children either.

However, if parents want to be proud of their children,

I think good on them, why not?

I think I'm with Lady C on this.

I mean, if Jack was well hung, I would...

Sorry, I said "if".

If Jack was well hung, I think I would probably tell people about it,

-but obviously I don't talk about it.

-You've never had cause to, no.

Justin wasn't the only man causing pulses to race in 2015.

The undisputed hunk of the year was this man, Poldark.

Now, Victoria, is that your idea of the ideal man?

Not really. It might be if I had a field.

LAUGHTER

-Rob, same question?

-I would have thought... I didn't see Poldark,

but I would have thought most women, that's what...

We are led to believe, are we not, that most women would go,

-"Well, yeah, that's... That ticks all the boxes."

-No.

-I tell you what most women think looking at that.

-What?

"He wouldn't try."

Is that right? Does everybody think that? Really? Lady C?

I've had many like that and I can tell you something,

-they're worth having.

-JACK SNORTS

To be honest, my favourite moment of the TV year was this.

It was when Coronation Street's Liz McDonald got spooked

by a sign language interpreter.

Now, I have got another guest to bring out.

-Father, do you know what a YouTuber is?

-No.

It was a long shot.

Our next guest is a YouTube personality,

vlogger and rapper from Watford.

I've got an inkling him and Lady C are going to get on famously.

He has 11 million subscribers

and his videos have been watched by over a billion people.

Variety magazine recently voted him

the number one most influential person among teenagers.

This is a little taste of him in action.

I had heard about one British gamer

who had amassed a fortune through gaming and video blogging.

And his success story was a long way away from the stoic work ethic

of his Korean counterparts.

His name was KSI.

This'll be fun! Ladies and gentlemen, it's KSI.

CHEERING

-Yo.

-Hi, buddy. How are you?

This is going to be like the weirdest dinner party ever.

And KSI doesn't have any, um...

-Do I call you KSI?

-Yeah, you can call me KSI.

-What does KSI stand for?

-Knowledge, strength and integrity.

-Really?

I have none of them, but...

What it is, like, I aspire to that.

I really like that. It's an inspirational name.

-Thanks, man.

-For my father and maybe some people watching at home...

-Yes...

-So what is it exactly you do?

OK, so pretty much, a load of random things,

like obviously I rap. I do pranks. I play games.

And pretty much, it just started from me in my bedroom

just playing games.

-You filmed yourself playing Fifa, wasn't it?

-Yeah, Fifa.

And then I started doing a bit more, like, entertainment side,

and then I was just like,

I do like music, so I'd do a bit more of the music side

and then I did a bit of the acting side as well

and yeah, YouTube just allows me to do all these things,

which I'm just really interested in.

-Can I come in here?

-Yeah.

-When you say,

"I do a bit of music side and I do a bit of the acting side",

what does that mean?

So, I mean, so I'm currently signed by a label,

so I just rap and...

HE LAUGHS

I don't know, just rap!

-You had a single out this year.

-Yeah, yeah, it's called Lamborghini.

Lamborghini. I love it. Do you know about this song already, Lady C?

LAUGHTER

You must have heard Lamborghini.

I do know somebody who has a Lamborghini,

but he's a member of the Qatari royal family.

I'm sorry, that's the full extent of my Lamborghini knowledge.

What do you actually do for your main job? Because...

I mean, Jack used to do his stuff in his bedroom.

We don't want to go into that with Lady C here, but, um...

-Do you have a sort of main job during the day...?

-That is not what being a YouTuber is!

..when you're not doing all those things you were telling about?

YouTube is literally all I do, believe it or not, yeah.

-So you do that all day and all night?

-It's just 24/7.

And he's like the most... He's not overselling himself,

he's the most successful YouTuber there is.

He's doing a lot better... He could have several castles

-with the amount of YouTubing...

-Oh, darling!

Let's take a look at your rap music video.

"Rap music video"! I just sounded so old there.

The vid to your music rap!

-I've turned into Rob.

-Yeah!

-# Ride with more peers than Morgan

-What's up?

# Drive past bloggers that are walking

# I taunt them Matt Lees, can you see me?

# Wiling in my Lamborghini

# La-Lamborghini, La-Lamborghini

# Bitch, I know you see me in my Lamborghini

# La-Lamborghini, La-Lamborghini

# Ride so quick You would think I'm Houdini... #

CHEERING

You sounded... I loved it, but you sounded quite angry.

Had the Lamborghini broken down? Was there...

Is there a problem with the transmission?

The after sales care, were you not happy?

No, I was extremely happy,

but I guess that was just my way of showing it in a really angry manner.

That's fine, that's great, but this starts with

-people watching you playing video football...

-Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's kind of like, I guess, watching football, essentially...

I don't understand that either!

Well, there's a lot of people who love watching

-just people play football.

-OK.

So it's kind of like people just playing games,

people just love watching that,

and it's like there's a lot of entertaining people who play games

and then they just love to see that.

I've never seen four people look more confused!

I feel like there's a huge contrast right now.

Yeah, I'm getting contrast!

I want your secret,

because I'd like to make some of that money for my castle.

-Yeah, do you think Lady C could become a YouTuber?

-Um...

Her playing Fifa?

Yeah...

You could write a song for Lady C

and she could be outside the castle going...

"CASTLE, CASTLE, CASTLE!"

You're obviously very charismatic.

-I get why people would watch you do stuff...

-Yes.

And the music was great, that's all fine. The video football -

they're watching you playing cartoon Subbuteo!

Watching Subbuteo!

I don't even know what Subbuteo is, but...

This is the end of civilisation as we know it!

KSI, you've come out not to be interrogated,

although that's how it started.

You've come to talk about some of the biggest stories from the internet.

-Yes, yes.

-So what have the internet crazes of 2015 been?

Well, I guess, one that has just swept the whole world by storm

is the condom challenge.

I'm aware of this.

-I know what this is.

-The condom challenge?

-Yep.

I'm putting my glasses on for it.

LAUGHTER

-Shall we take a look at the condom challenge?

-Yeah, sure.

HE SHOUTS

LAUGHTER

That was a bit of fun.

I should say, for anybody watching,

if you do it that way, you can still get pregnant.

Lady C, could you see that, you know, taking on in your circles?

At the end of a dinner party, instead of bringing out the After Eights

you get a condom full of water and try and drop it on someone's head?

-I don't think so.

-No.

-Cos you film everything. When I say you, I mean your generation.

-Yes.

-You film everything, don't you?

-Yes.

Yes. It's stupid.

LAUGHTER

Well, I mean, obviously, like, Kim Kardashian succeeded with it.

Oh, well, let's all look up to her(!)

I mean, Hitler was very good with the organisation. I mean...

I'm not comparing Kim Kardashian to Hitler, but I'm just saying...

-But you are.

-I suppose I am, yes.

Hitler did have a fantastic arse, to be fair.

How would you know that?

Yeah, cos I was worried this conversation wasn't weird enough(!)

How would Victoria know that?

That literally is the only thing I know about Kim Kardashian, so...

-Oh, it was about her.

-I'm assuming...

I thought it was about Hitler, cos we were talking about Hitler.

-Always trying to get it back to Hitler.

-Sorry.

-What else?

Other than the condom prank, what have people been doing?

Um... OK, so, there's this thing

where, if you put, like, a cucumber next to a cat, it just freaks out.

Someone's seen it.

And obviously someone's done it. Someone's done it.

If you put a cucumber next to a cat...

Yeah, for some reason, it doesn't know what's going on,

-and just runs away.

-Let's see.

LAUGHTER

Would that work with any cat?

Um... I don't know. I don't know!

"No!" A guy over there was like, "No, no, trust me."

You try it with a tiger, you'll get your face ripped off.

It can go wrong. Don't do it near a busy road with the cucumber.

Cat could jump, it can end up in tears and, before you know it,

you've taken the cat onto a chat show and you're wearing it round your arm.

LAUGHTER

Now, one thing that is often led by the internet is new words and phrases

and a few new words and phrases have emerged from 2015.

-KSI can help talk our other guests through them.

-OK.

Everywhere on Twitter...

Do you feel like you're visiting a remedial home for the elderly?

I mean, is that what's happening? You're doing charity work?

Just helping everyone out, just...

He's doing this to complete his Duke of Edinburgh Award.

-Talk us through the phrases.

-OK...

-Netflix and chill. That has been all over Twitter.

-Yes.

So, do you guys know what Netflix and chill is?

I know what Netflix is.

And I know the concept of chilling.

Although hitherto I had not been aware of an association

between the two activities.

Netflix and binge, I could go with that. Binge viewing.

Word.

Netflix... What do you mean?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean...

I'm doing that!

What are you doing?

You're far too young to know about Thunderbirds. What's going on?

I actually don't know what that is.

-You don't know what Thunderbirds is?

-No.

-Oh, fuck off.

The other stuff I'll give you. I'll give you...

-I'll let you have Subbuteo, but you don't know what Thunderbirds is?

-No.

It's the best thing ever! Tracy Island? Scott Tracy?

-He's still got his Tracy Island.

-No, I don't.

-I bet he has.

-He has.

Um... Netflix and chill? Netflix and chill is...

Well, Netflix and chill is where you watch Netflix with your companion

and you just get a...a bit frisky,

you know, look into the other girl's eyes, or guy,

and then just be like, "Hey..."

That's the chill bit.

-It's what?

-This is where we chill.

-This is where we chill?

-This is where we...

Aren't we already chilling, just watching Netflix?

We're loving House of Cards.

You say, "Let's chill"?

Let's chill, and then...

And then, boom, before you know it, your castle's got a new roof.

I don't understand it. You're watching...

You're watching House of Cards...

Is it having sex in front of a video?

-Uh, yes. Pretty much.

-We've been doing that for years.

It's called Friday night in Wales.

I understand the concept.

On that note, we're coming to the end of the show,

so we thought we'd take time to celebrate who we consider to be

the real heroes of 2015, the people who got us most excited.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the inaugural Backchat Awards 2015.

APPLAUSE

Yes...

It's time for the Chatties, the Chaftas.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's where the budget went.

It certainly didn't go on me.

LAUGHTER

Am I going to have to take that off? OK, right.

KSI, would you please present us with the first award?

OK. Well, it's been a great year for music. Adele broke records.

Justin Bieber bounced back.

And my single Lamborghini was released and is available on iTunes.

But the award for outstanding contribution to the music goes to...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..Madonna's cape!

# You made me strong

# Built me up and I could do no wrong

# I let down my guard... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Doesn't get any easier to watch. What I love about that is,

although she's nearly killed, she bravely carried on singing.

Victoria, please take to the podium.

This award is for broadcaster of the year.

A lot has been said about cuts to the BBC.

They can't even afford iPads any more.

But that didn't stop the ever-resourceful Chris Mitchell

from BBC Sport covering it beautifully.

..look at the morning's papers, but for now, goodbye.

LAUGHTER

-That's funny.

-That's so good.

Lady C, would you please present us with the next award?

Lady C, you actually look like you're dressed for an awards show.

Thank you.

The winner of this diplomacy price is my hero...Ronnie Pickering!

Who's Ronnie Pickering?

Is a very good question. Who is Ronnie Pickering?

Well, Lady C, I figured that you and him are kindred spirits.

Ronnie Pickering was just this random guy from Hull

who, earlier on in the year, got into a little bit of a dispute

with a man on a scooter, lost his temper a little and didn't realise

that the man on the scooter had a camera attached to his helmet.

He told him in no uncertain terms who Ronnie Pickering was.

Let's enjoy the wit and wisdom of Ronnie fucking Pickering.

BLEEPED SHOUTING

-Yeah?

-Yeah?

What's your problem? You want to go?

-You got a problem, ain't you?

-With you, yeah.

-Yeah, you have.

-Take your

-BLEEP

-helmet off, then.

-Oh, grow up, you

-BLEEP.

-You know who I am? You know who I am?

-You what?

-You know who I am?

-Your car?

-You wouldn't

-BLEEP

-when you pull up.

-Well, who are you, then?

-Ronnie Pickering.

-Who?

-Ronnie Pickering?

-Who?

-RONNIE PICKERING!

-Who the

-BLEEP

-is that?

-Yeah, me.

APPLAUSE

Who is Ronnie Pickering?

Do you know who Ronnie Pickering is now?

I still don't know.

Rob, your turn.

Hello, everybody. It's lovely to be here.

As a proud Welshman,

it has to be a proud exponent of the fine art of rugby.

It could have been any of the mighty Welsh dragons -

Sam Warburton, Dan Biggar, George North -

but controversially, I've picked an Englishman.

LAUGHTER AND BOOING

Here is my Sports Personality Of The Year.

But he wasn't going to let a small child stand in his way.

Ten-year-old Toki with the tackle,

whether he wanted to make it or not.

Boris!

So there we have it. It's the end of the show.

Thank you to all of our wonderful guests. They were Lady C...

KSI...

Rob Brydon...

and Victorian Coren Mitchell.

And thank you to you for watching at home,

and we will see you all in 2016.

# Got rocks on my wrist That shit you can't resist

# Cash flow greater than the haters hating on my gist

# Riding in your face, looking like I found a damn genie... #

Riding in my R-Type Bentley.

B-B-B-Bentley. B-B-B-Bentley.

Bitch, I know you see me in my R-Type Bentley.

B-B-B-Bentley. B-B-B-Bentley.

Ride so quick you think I'm Houdini.

HE MOUTHS: What the fuck?

# B-b-been in the game since Namco

# Bring it back, I'm fully gassed, yo

# Vroom, vroom, in my brand-new Lambo

# Juiced up And I don't give a damn, yo

# Going 120, and that's my slowest

# On a one-way lane, like Lois

# Who's that? Superman's bitch

# Wanna see what happens when I touch the Superman switch? #