Browse content similar to Blackadder's Christmas Carol. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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In the reign of good Queen Vic, | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
there stood in Dumpling Lane in London | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
the moustache shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He was the kindest and loveliest man in all England. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
# He's kind and generous to the sick, | 0:00:20 | 0:00:25 | |
# He'd never spread a nasty rumour. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:31 | |
# He never gets on people's wick, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:36 | |
# And doesn't laugh at toilet humour. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
# Blackadder, Blackadder, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:46 | |
# He's sickeningly good, | 0:00:46 | 0:00:51 | |
# Blackadder, Blackadder, | 0:00:51 | 0:00:56 | |
# As nice as Christmas pud. # | 0:00:56 | 0:01:02 | |
-< -Humbug! Humbug! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
-Humbug, Mr Baldrick? -Oh, thank you very much. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:12 | |
-I've got all the presents. -And I've nearly finished the cards. -Splendid! | 0:01:13 | 0:01:19 | |
"A very messy Christmas!" Sorry, but shouldn't that be "merry"? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:24 | |
"A merry messy Christmas?" OK, but the main thing is that it's messy: | 0:01:24 | 0:01:29 | |
messy, wet kisses under the mistletoe. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way YOU'LL get a messy, wet kiss | 0:01:33 | 0:01:38 | |
is to make a pass at a water closet! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Be that as it may... "A merry messy Christmas"... Christmas has an 'H' in it! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:51 | |
And an 'R'. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
..And an 'I', an 'S', a 'T'... Also an 'A' and another 'S'! | 0:01:54 | 0:02:00 | |
Oh, and you've missed out the 'C'! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Well done! You must be the first person ever to get none of the letters right! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:11 | |
-I've been busy with the workhouse nativity play. -Oh, how did it go? -Not very well. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:19 | |
The baby playing Jesus died! | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:30 | |
-What did you do? -Got another. -Good! Who? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
Spot. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
There weren't any kids, so we got a dog. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:41 | |
I'm not sure Christianity would have gained such a grip, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof"! | 0:02:41 | 0:02:50 | |
Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:55 | |
-We didn't have any sheep, so we'd stuck some wool on... -More dogs! -Well, yeah. | 0:02:55 | 0:03:01 | |
The moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
While the angel's singing "Goodwill to all men", | 0:03:05 | 0:03:10 | |
Jesus is trying to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:15 | |
Hardly appropriate for the Son of God! Were the children upset? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:21 | |
-No! They loved it! -The playful young scamps, eh? Still... | 0:03:21 | 0:03:29 | |
..what a lovely thought - at this moment, all over the land, from the lowest to the highest, | 0:03:29 | 0:03:37 | |
to the charming plump people in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:43 | |
What are you doing, Albert? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
Nothing! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Yes, you are, you naughty German sausage! | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
-Tell me! -I'm not doing anything! | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
Ven you are ruling India, you don't tell me vot you are doing. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:03 | |
So I von't tell you what I'm doing wrapping up zis cushion. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:09 | |
-Damn! Now I have only two surprises for you. -Don't worry, I don't mind. -But -I -do! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:16 | |
I LOVE surprises! | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
Christmas without surprises | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
is like ze nuts without a nutcracker. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
Which is why I've bought you zis surprise nutcracker... Damn! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:32 | |
Damn!! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Oh, darling Bo-Bo, don't worry! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
-Besides, haven't you forgotten something? -What? -Our traditional Christmas adventure! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:45 | |
Of course! Our traditional Christmas adventure! ..Vat adventure? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:50 | |
You silly soldier! When we disguise ourselves and go out to reward the virtuous and the good! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:59 | |
Of course! Dummkopf! How could I forget? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
It is for precisely such an outing zat I have bought you my final surprise - | 0:05:04 | 0:05:11 | |
zis muff, which I am going to... | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Damn! | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Damn!! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Da... | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Excellent! What a splendid spread! Turkey and presents - what more could you want at Christmas? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:28 | |
-A tree! -Of course! I quite forgot. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium, and got quite a bargain... | 0:05:31 | 0:05:38 | |
..on this special Christmas twig. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
It's a bit of a tiddler. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
Yes, but size isn't important. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it! Besides... | 0:05:49 | 0:05:54 | |
-..we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks. -How much? -£17 Os 1d. | 0:05:54 | 0:06:01 | |
-It'd be more, if you didn't give so much away. -But in the "feeling-good" ledger of life, we're rich indeed! | 0:06:01 | 0:06:09 | |
AND in the "bit-short-of-pressies- and-gullible-prat" ledger, too! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:14 | |
-< DING-A-LING -Bless my toes! | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
Who could that be? ..Mrs Scratchit! | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
Greetings on this merry night! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
O-h-h-h, Mr Blackadder! | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Merry? We'll 'ave nothing to eat on Christmas day! | 0:06:27 | 0:06:32 | |
..'Cept what's under Grandad's toenails! | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
No goose for Tiny Tom this year! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15st, and built like a brick privy! | 0:06:41 | 0:06:46 | |
If he eats any more, he'll turn into a pie shop! | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
There must be something we can do. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
-Those matches are just what I need. What did they cost? -A quid a match. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:02 | |
-I suspect that to be a lie of sorts. -No-o-o! Oh-h-h... -But it's Christmas eve... | 0:07:02 | 0:07:09 | |
Here, take ten pounds! | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
So you don't want all 17 of them? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
You have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:20 | |
Here, £17! | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
-Lovely! -And my best wishes to your massive offspring! | 0:07:22 | 0:07:27 | |
So we had £17 0s 1d, and we gave Mrs Scratchit £17, so that leaves... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:36 | |
Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick. £17 0s 1d minus £17 leaves... | 0:07:36 | 0:07:41 | |
£38 8s 4d. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
-Not bad! The answer is, in fact, a penny. -DOOR OPENS | 0:07:46 | 0:07:52 | |
Merry Christmas eve, Mr Slackbladder! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
And to you, young urchin! | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
A penny for Christmas, sucker... er, sir? | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
-Wa-a-a-a-a-h!! -Well, certainly. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
-Going to buy some cake for your silver-haired mother? -Sod that, I'm getting some gin! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:12 | |
They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em! Well, another year without profit! | 0:08:12 | 0:08:19 | |
Still, it IS Christmas, and let us remember, Mr Baldrick, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:24 | |
that be we as stony as a rock, it is the season of goodwill. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:29 | |
-We've got nuts, turkey... -SCREECHING CACKLE > | 0:08:29 | 0:08:33 | |
..and my god-daughter, Millicent! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Secure the ornaments, and let her in! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
So, all the presents are ready: | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
gloves for Mr Baldrick, a scarf for me, and a hat for Millicent. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:49 | |
To what do I owe this great pleasure? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
I just thought I'd pop by on the off-chance... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
..Christmas being a time connected with presents! | 0:08:56 | 0:09:01 | |
-Indeed! And look, a lovely hat for my dear god-daughter. -Thanks! | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
Oh, and look! A scarf and a pair of gloves to match! | 0:09:06 | 0:09:11 | |
That's not bad, I suppose! | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
Yes, jolly good! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
I can't stop, but I thought I might come back tomorrow - at lunchtime. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:22 | |
-Splendid! -I'll bring my teensy boyfriend, so cook an extra turkey. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:29 | |
-Thanks for all the pressies! -Why not take the flippin' tree(?) | 0:09:29 | 0:09:34 | |
Oh! You ARE sweet! | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Bye! SHE CACKLES | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
-Bye! My, what a jolly young girl! -Yeah. Pity she nicked the presents! | 0:09:39 | 0:09:45 | |
Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoiled with the turkey and ALL these nuts! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:51 | |
-< DING-A-LING -Peel my tangerines! | 0:09:51 | 0:09:56 | |
Ah, Beadle! Charmed, honoured and lovelied! | 0:09:56 | 0:10:01 | |
Get back! | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
Compliments of the gorging season to you. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
And fat tums to all men! | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
Yes. What of your orphan charges? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
Well, I don't think I charges 'em enough, actually! | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
Luckily, you make up the difference. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
They'll be visiting you with a surprise tomorrow. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
Perhaps another little rendition of "God rest ye merry, Mr Blackadder"? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:29 | |
Not for me to say, sir. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
All I know is that we've managed to eat all our nuts before the big day. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:38 | |
-What luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Help yourselves. -No, sir, I couldn't. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:44 | |
Is this all? I suppose it'll do. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
See you tomorrow! | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
What a jolly fellow! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
Looked like a fat git to me! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Well, yes. But you mustn't judge people from outward appearances. | 0:10:56 | 0:11:02 | |
-Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and you'll find... -A thin git! | 0:11:02 | 0:11:08 | |
-Those orphans were fat, too. -Well, there's some truth there. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:13 | |
When I visit, I do tend to remove sharp objects for fear of bursting one of them, | 0:11:13 | 0:11:19 | |
..and getting showered in pie! | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
But as long as they're happy. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
We've still got the turkey, and Christmas is a time for miracles. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:32 | |
If we screw up our eyes and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, | 0:11:32 | 0:11:38 | |
someone might come and reward us. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick! | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
-< DING-A-LING-A-LING -See! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Well! Baste my steaming puddings! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
-Ah, good evening! -Good evening! | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
We have come on a mission to reward the virtuous. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
Good heavens! | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
We have heard many stories of your kindness. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
-Oh, well, one tries! -So, please... -Yes? | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
-Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door. -We'd love to oblige, but sadly, we've nothing to give. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:19 | |
-Nothing? What about a goose? -Oh, Albert! | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
We've only got a turkey, see. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
-That sounds ideal! -Oh... -Well, there's a bit of luck! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Your accent tells me you're not from round here. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Ah! Nein... | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
I am from Glasgow. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
A fine city! I love the Gorbals. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
Ah, yes! I love ze Gorbals, too. Lovely couple - lots of fun! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
-Bye-bye, birdy! -Very well done! Good evening. | 0:12:56 | 0:13:01 | |
-Good evening! -If I see ze Gorbals, I give them your regards. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:06 | |
Oh, dear. It looks as though we're in for a thin Christmas! | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
Don't worry. I've hung up my sock for Santa. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:20 | |
If there's one thing guaranteed to stop Santa coming, it's your sock waiting for him there. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:28 | |
If I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
If you do hang it out, Santa will be dead before he gets near it! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:38 | |
-Don't you have any others? -I've got one other! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
Oh, take one of mine from the linen cupboard, dear chap. I'm off to bed. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:48 | |
-There's nothing to stay up for. Goodnight. -Night, night. Oh, I forgot... | 0:13:48 | 0:13:55 | |
When you were out there, this enormous ghostly creature came in, saying, | 0:13:55 | 0:14:02 | |
"Tonight you'll receive a terrible visitation!" | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
It come through the wall, said its piece, then sodded off. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:14 | |
Oh, fine! Goodnight! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Goodnight! | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
< Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oh! | 0:14:27 | 0:14:31 | |
< Wh-oa-oa-oa-oah! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
CRASH!! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
GR-RR-ROO-OO-OOA-RR!! | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
W-OO-AH-AH-AAH!! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
ERGH! ..ERGH! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo-aah-aah! | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
La-aa-oo-aah! Ha! | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
-Can I help? -No, thanks, no, no! | 0:14:54 | 0:14:59 | |
Spirit of Christmas, how do you do? | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
Just doing the rounds. Getting misers to change their evil ways. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:08 | |
But there'll be no need for that here! | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
Cheery-bye! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Some tea, perhaps? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
You wouldn't have anything more... medicinal? | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
I've only got some of the nurse's surgical bruise lotion. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:26 | |
Nothing but the best at this house, eh? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
Delicious! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:35 | |
It's a nice change from misers. You know him across the road? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:41 | |
I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draught excluder! | 0:15:41 | 0:15:49 | |
-Oh, dear... Old people today! -Huh! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
How do you get them to change? | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
It's all visions these days, though we used to use line drawings. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:03 | |
-What sort of thing? -It depends, really. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
For some, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour at school... | 0:16:07 | 0:16:12 | |
Others get shown how rotten their ancestors were. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:16 | |
For YOUR ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour vision, with ice creams! | 0:16:16 | 0:16:22 | |
-That bad, eh? -Did nobody tell you? | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
Stinkers! Perhaps you'd like to see... | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
B-lul-lul-lul-lul... | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
B-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo... | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Come on, my lord, give it a pull. You know you want to! It'll be ever so exciting! | 0:16:42 | 0:16:49 | |
-Oh, God! -PLOP | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Yes, terrifying(!) | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Look, there's a gift inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:04 | |
Ah! Just what I've always wanted! | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
-You got anything for me? -It's nothing, really. -Sir! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
No, really, it's NOTHING! | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
I spent all I had on this. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
She'd better bloody like it. She dropped enough hints. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:22 | |
She's as subtle as a rhino horn up the backside! Door! | 0:17:22 | 0:17:27 | |
Morning, Your Majesty! Don't you just love Christmas? | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
-No, I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it! -Sorry? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:38 | |
I'm going to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone carrying a present. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:46 | |
Oh... Ha! Ha! | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
-What's that, Edmund? -This? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
It's a window. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
-A window? -Yes, but you seem to have one here. Sorry! | 0:17:55 | 0:18:00 | |
Well, so much for that! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
Ow! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Ah, Melchett! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings the usual food and stomach cramp! | 0:18:14 | 0:18:20 | |
And compliments of the season to YOU. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
May the yuletide log burn your house down! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:27 | |
I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas, so forget the present. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:35 | |
I'm indebted to you, and shall follow your advice. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:40 | |
(..The day my brain becomes a cauliflower!) | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
Ha! Got him with my subtle plan! | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
I can't see any subtle plan. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Baldrick, you wouldn't see one if it danced naked on a harpsichord, | 0:18:50 | 0:18:55 | |
singing, "Subtle Plans Are Here Again"! | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I say, and then...quack! | 0:18:59 | 0:19:07 | |
He'll turn into a duck? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
Yes. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
Pity about this, Tinkywink! You used to LOVE this time of year. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
I know. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas... | 0:19:24 | 0:19:29 | |
Then scoffing it because princesses can do what they like! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:34 | |
And wondering if your father's wife would get her head chopped off by Boxing Day. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:41 | |
-We knew that if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be all right. -Happy days! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:48 | |
Yes... Maybe I was a little rash. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
Ah, boys, welcome back! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
Melchett, what's that under your coat? | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
It's not a present? | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
-A present, Majesty? But of course! (You're so painfully transparent!) -(Am I?) | 0:20:03 | 0:20:10 | |
Fab! I LOVE presents! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
For a moment, I hated Christmas. But now I love it! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
In fact, I'd like to marry you. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
..If you didn't look like a slug! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
O pish, Majesty! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
To reward you, I'm going to give you LOTS of presents. Fancy a castle? | 0:20:29 | 0:20:35 | |
-Windsor... -Title? -Duke of Kent? -Anything else? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:40 | |
-A devilish, saucy wife would be fun. -Lady Jane Pottle! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:45 | |
Yummy! | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
She's Blackadder's girl, but that's OK. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
Perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:58 | |
-I don't think we need go that far. -Too kind(!) -Aylesbury will do! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:04 | |
Blackadder, what have you got me? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
-Um... -I WANT A PRESSIE!! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
Give me something nice and shiny. If you don't, I'll give you a shiny axe! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:19 | |
-Um... -Right! Any last requests before your block goes on top of the Crimble tree? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:27 | |
Um... Well, there is ONE, actually, Ma'am. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
You know...er...how I've been a great admirer of you both. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:37 | |
-Could I have your autographs to keep me company in my final lonely hours? -Oh, OK. -Thank you. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:45 | |
Just there... Thank you. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
-Oh! Dear me! -What is it? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
This paper Your Majesty just signed turns out to be some sort of death warrant! | 0:21:52 | 0:21:59 | |
Oops! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
-And to go back on it would destroy the basis of the Constitution! -So I fear! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:08 | |
-Is there a name on it? -Yes, it's... | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
..Lord... I can't read the writing! Lord... Melchett. Yes, Melchett, that's it! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:17 | |
Ma'am, it's a trick! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
Oh, good! Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and merry larks. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:27 | |
-Blackadder, that's so brilliant, I'll execute Melchett instead! -You're so kind! | 0:22:27 | 0:22:34 | |
NURSIE CACKLES | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
And I suppose that means that everything of Melchett's is yours. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:41 | |
I suppose it does! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
Merry Christmas, Ma'am! | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Good Lord! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
What a horrible pig, eh?! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Though clearly quite a clever pig. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
No, as you say, disgraceful! | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
You're an improvement on them all. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
Them? Are there more? | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
Yes! Have a shufty at this! | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
# Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! # | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Right, I'm sick of the Prince getting all the presents, so this is the plan. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:23 | |
When he gets bored with charades and asks for a story, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
you come out here, put on the dress, and knock on the door. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:32 | |
-I get it. -You will if you mess this up! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
Ah, welcome lads! This is the stuff, eh? | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
Sherry and charades with the fellows. I mean, what could I do with a girl that I can't with you? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:48 | |
-I cannot conceive, sir. -Well, there is that! | 0:23:48 | 0:23:53 | |
Who's first? Not Horatio, it seems! | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
-It's the little monkey fellow, then. -Indeed. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
Excellent! Oh, I love charades! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
OK, Baldrick. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
-It's a book. -Well done! I didn't think you'd get it. -Damned clever! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:12 | |
Another great Christmas tradition - explaining the rules to the Thickie Twins. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:18 | |
It has to be a SPECIFIC book. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
If I was doing the Bible, I'd show there were two syllables in it... | 0:24:21 | 0:24:26 | |
-Two what? -Two syllables! | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
Two silly bulls? I don't think so, Blackadder, not in the Bible! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:34 | |
I can remember a fatted calf, but that was... Ah! Was it..? | 0:24:34 | 0:24:39 | |
Is it Noah's Ark? ..With two pigs, two ants and the two silly bulls...? | 0:24:39 | 0:24:45 | |
Two syll-A-bles! | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
-What? -Let's start again... | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
No, I think the whole game's a bit sill-A. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:55 | |
-Let's have a story instead. -Oh, yes! I'll just get rid of the servant. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:01 | |
The smell of roasting chestnuts can't even cover that of Baldrick! | 0:25:01 | 0:25:06 | |
(Don't forget the dress and the hat.) | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
-So, shall I begin? -Absolutely! | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
As long as it's not that awful one about the chap born on Christmas Day, | 0:25:13 | 0:25:18 | |
who shoots his mouth off, and then comes a cropper on top of a hill in Arabland! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:25 | |
You mean Jesus? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Yes! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the atmos! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
-Certainly, I... -NELSON WAKES | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
Oh, my God! I've gone blind! | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
Oh, that's better! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
-This is a story about a handsome young prince. -Ah, this is more like it! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:50 | |
Good-looking, lovely hair like a loaf of bread? | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
-Exactly! -Yes, I can imagine him! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
Well, it's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold at Christmas. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:05 | |
-Not a comedy, then? -No, sir. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:09 | |
She thought all was lost, and that she would die on Christmas night, | 0:26:09 | 0:26:16 | |
and be swept up on Boxing Day. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
Then she knocked on the door of handsome young Prince George. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:25 | |
He gave her his massive collection of Christmas presents, and she lived happily ever after. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:32 | |
By Satan's sausage, Bladder, what a fine tale! I'm quite moved to tears. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:43 | |
-Oh, good! -DING-A-LING > | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
-I wonder who that could be! -On a cruel Christmas night...Tricky! Could be a robin! | 0:26:47 | 0:26:54 | |
Why, sir! It's a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:59 | |
Shall I fling her from your door, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
saying there is no room for a lonely old woman here? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:07 | |
No, you swine! Bring her in! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
-(Trolley's a nice touch, Baldrick!) -Take all you want. I'm your prince! | 0:27:13 | 0:27:19 | |
Shall I show her out, ensure she doesn't take the silver? | 0:27:21 | 0:27:26 | |
-No, no! Tell her to take it! -You're very generous, sir. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:31 | |
Excellent, Baldrick! A triumph! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Baldrick? ..BALDRICK! | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
Sorry, Mr B. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
I was just showing an old lady to the door. Are you ready yet? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:44 | |
-What?! -Well, I answered the door, and it was this sweet old lady collecting for charity. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:51 | |
-Aaargh! -Something wrong, Mr B? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
No, I should've known not to trust a man with the brain of a rabbit dropping! | 0:27:55 | 0:28:01 | |
-Sorry! -It's perfectly all right. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
Still, I fear for a frail old lady, laden with valuables, | 0:28:06 | 0:28:11 | |
travelling through the dark streets of London. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
-She's not safe. -Well, not from me! | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
Very amusing! | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
-In what way? -Er, the wigs! Amusing wigs! | 0:28:25 | 0:28:29 | |
But the behaviour was disgraceful! | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
But he actually got the presents! | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
-Well...yes... -So, there is something to be made from being bad? | 0:28:35 | 0:28:40 | |
Technically, yes. But that's not the point. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:45 | |
It's the soul! | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
-What would happen in the future, if -I -was bad? | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
-Heavens, is that the time? -But... | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
-..I'd love to see Christmas future. -No, no, no... It's too dramatic! | 0:28:55 | 0:29:00 | |
-Just show it! Please! -OK. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:04 | |
Wibble-wibble-wee-wee-wee... | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
Hail Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe! | 0:29:08 | 0:29:13 | |
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid! | 0:29:13 | 0:29:17 | |
I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:23 | |
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment | 0:29:23 | 0:29:28 | |
and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:31 | |
Morning! | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 | |
To you, Blackadder, thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod, this much greeting! | 0:29:33 | 0:29:41 | |
-I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your pothlesnood. -That's not necessary. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:48 | |
Approach your slave - Baldrick! | 0:29:48 | 0:29:52 | |
For God's sake, if you insist on wearing that, you could at least keep your legs together. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:05 | |
Wilco, skipper! | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
-Majesties, I give you a greeting. -What news of the foul Marmidons? | 0:30:08 | 0:30:14 | |
Scattered, sir. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
And have the Sheep-Squeezers of Splaticon Five been suck-creamed? | 0:30:16 | 0:30:22 | |
Well, they're dead, yes! | 0:30:22 | 0:30:24 | |
-Did you vanquish the Nibble-Pibblies? -No, Lord Pigmot, I didn't... | 0:30:24 | 0:30:31 | |
..You just made them up. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
Excellent, Commander, you have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. | 0:30:33 | 0:30:41 | |
Bring forth the gift that honours me. | 0:30:41 | 0:30:45 | |
Majesties, from a place where the stars begin, I bring you this. | 0:30:45 | 0:30:51 | |
Lovely! An ashtray. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:55 | |
He wastes our time. I yearn to watch 20,000 Years of the Two Ronnoids. | 0:30:56 | 0:31:02 | |
-Send him to the sprouting chamber. -No, wait! | 0:31:02 | 0:31:06 | |
-What is it, Commander? -I'll show you. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:11 | |
BUZZZ...WHIRRR... | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
And now, Your Majesty, I insist that you hand over to me the Supreme Command of the Universe, | 0:31:15 | 0:31:22 | |
sew a button on my uniform and marry me this afternoon. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:27 | |
I thought you'd never ask. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:30 | |
So if I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe? | 0:31:33 | 0:31:39 | |
Maybe, but would you be happy? Being Ruler of the Universe isn't all that good. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:46 | |
You have to wave at people all the time. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:50 | |
What does the future hold if I stay good? | 0:31:50 | 0:31:54 | |
I must put my foot down. I've got four hauntings to do. | 0:31:54 | 0:32:00 | |
Oo-oo-o-o-o-oo! | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe! | 0:32:05 | 0:32:10 | |
And hail to you, my triple husbandoid! | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:20 | |
Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment | 0:32:20 | 0:32:25 | |
and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob. | 0:32:25 | 0:32:29 | |
-Hail! -And your slave? | 0:32:29 | 0:32:32 | |
-What's his name? -I can't remember, Your Majesty. | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
No matter, Master of the Smells. What news of the Marmidons? | 0:32:41 | 0:32:48 | |
-Good news... -Excellent! | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
..For the Marmidons. They wiped out our entire army. | 0:32:50 | 0:32:55 | |
-I was a bit confused and bombed our own lot. -Silence, squidling! | 0:32:55 | 0:33:01 | |
-Bring forth the gift with which you honour me. -Damn! I forgot the bloody present. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:08 | |
One way is glory, the other way is wearing Baldrick's posing pouch! | 0:33:09 | 0:33:16 | |
-That gives a very clear lesson. -Namely? | 0:33:16 | 0:33:21 | |
That the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:27 | |
You don't think it shows that bad guys have all the fun?! | 0:33:27 | 0:33:32 | |
No! The rewards of virtue are far more attractive. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:38 | |
Picture it! Quiet evenings in your hovel...alone. A Bible and your own turnip. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:45 | |
That makes all the difference. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
-So you're going to be a good boy, then? -Absolutely! | 0:33:47 | 0:33:52 | |
Would I lie to you? | 0:33:52 | 0:33:55 | |
Oo-o-oo-o. | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
Woo-oo-oo-ooh. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:02 | |
Father Christmas forgot about me. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:16 | |
Oh, dear, don't be too unhappy. If you look very carefully there's something in this from me. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:23 | |
-It's something I made for you. -That shows real love. | 0:34:23 | 0:34:28 | |
-What did you make for me? -I've made you... | 0:34:28 | 0:34:31 | |
-..a fist. -A fist? | 0:34:31 | 0:34:34 | |
It's for hitting. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:36 | |
It's wonderful. You can use it again...and again... | 0:34:36 | 0:34:41 | |
..and again. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
-Well, what do you say? -Thank you, Mr B. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:48 | |
Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I, after all, think nothing of you. | 0:34:48 | 0:34:53 | |
- Git-face, how about a penny? -Hark! | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
Do I hear the voice of a cherub at the window? | 0:34:58 | 0:35:03 | |
AAAR-AARGH! | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
-No, I must have imagined it. -< DING-A-LING | 0:35:08 | 0:35:12 | |
-Shall I get that, sir? -No, leave them out in the snow while I dress. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:17 | |
I'll only be 40 minutes. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:20 | |
Door! | 0:35:23 | 0:35:25 | |
Greetings! We have come to sing merrily and present you a small pudding. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:32 | |
# God bless Mr B and Baby Jesus, too. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:38 | |
# If we were little pigs, we'd sing piggy wiggy woo! | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
# Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo! | 0:35:42 | 0:35:45 | |
# Piggy wiggy woo! Oh, piggy wiggy wiggy woo! # | 0:35:45 | 0:35:51 | |
Utter crap! | 0:35:53 | 0:35:55 | |
-Do we get our Christmas treat? -Yes, indeed. | 0:35:55 | 0:36:00 | |
It's a door in the face! | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
Mr B, you can't send them out into the world with nothing but a small pudding. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:10 | |
How right. Door! | 0:36:10 | 0:36:12 | |
Thank you. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
-You know what I'm hoping? -What? | 0:36:19 | 0:36:22 | |
-I'm hoping this is just a jape and you'll go "yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie. -Close your eyes. | 0:36:22 | 0:36:30 | |
Open your mouth. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
Yo ho ho! | 0:36:32 | 0:36:35 | |
< DING-A-LING | 0:36:35 | 0:36:37 | |
Millicent's here for dinner. She seems to have brought the fish course with her. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:44 | |
-Who is the huge halibut in the trousers? -I think it's me. | 0:36:47 | 0:36:53 | |
This is Ralph. He's my fiance. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:56 | |
We're in love! | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
Oh, dear! Ill-conceived love is like a Christmas cracker. | 0:36:59 | 0:37:04 | |
One disappointing bang... and the novelty wears off. | 0:37:04 | 0:37:09 | |
Shut up! | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Mr Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England to the worst in the world. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:22 | |
I was thinking the same myself. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:24 | |
When spoken to! | 0:37:24 | 0:37:26 | |
I would explain, but you wouldn't understand. You have a head emptier than a hermit's address book. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:33 | |
-As for you, can you keep my god-daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed? -Oh, yes! | 0:37:35 | 0:37:43 | |
Oh, splendid. | 0:37:43 | 0:37:45 | |
Congratulations. Goodbye. | 0:37:45 | 0:37:48 | |
Out! | 0:37:50 | 0:37:52 | |
SHE BLUBBERS | 0:37:52 | 0:37:56 | |
Baldrick, go and buy a turkey so large you'd think its mother had been roger-ed by an omnibus. | 0:37:58 | 0:38:05 | |
I'm going to have a party just for me. | 0:38:07 | 0:38:11 | |
-Cooey! -No peace for the wicked. | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if perhaps you had a present for me, | 0:38:13 | 0:38:18 | |
or found me a little fowl for Christmas. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:22 | |
I've always found you FOUL, Mrs Scratchit. | 0:38:22 | 0:38:25 | |
-As for Christmas, Tiny Tom can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside. -He's a cripple! | 0:38:25 | 0:38:33 | |
No, Mrs Scratchit, occasionally saying "my leg hurts" wouldn't even fool Baldrick. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:40 | |
It did, actually. | 0:38:40 | 0:38:43 | |
However, if you want something for lunch, take this. It's a pound of lump. | 0:38:43 | 0:38:51 | |
-What about my Tiny Tom? -Scoop him out and use him as a houseboat! | 0:38:51 | 0:38:57 | |
Mr B... Where's the milk of human kindness? | 0:39:01 | 0:39:05 | |
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:08 | |
-DING-A-LING -Get that. | 0:39:08 | 0:39:11 | |
Whoever it is, slam the door on them. | 0:39:11 | 0:39:16 | |
Hello, small dwarf. Is zis ze house of that all-round philanthropist, Blackadder? | 0:39:17 | 0:39:24 | |
-Mr Blackadder lives here. -Das ist gut because we have a secret. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:29 | |
-What secret? -If I told you we were going to give him a fortune, it would no longer be a secret. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:37 | |
Damn! I'm stupid! | 0:39:37 | 0:39:39 | |
-What wouldn't be a secret? -WE are Queen Victoria. -All three of you? | 0:39:39 | 0:39:46 | |
My dear little hobgoblin, here is our Royal Seal. | 0:39:46 | 0:39:51 | |
We have come to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder | 0:39:51 | 0:39:59 | |
-for being the kindest man in England. -Lumme! | 0:39:59 | 0:40:04 | |
Why didn't you slam the door on the faces of these scroungers? | 0:40:04 | 0:40:10 | |
Oof! | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
I'm not at home to guests. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
-We are rather special guests, sir. -Oh, of course! I must apologise. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:28 | |
It isn't often one gets a visit from two such distinguished guests. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:34 | |
-Zo you recognise us at last? -Yes. | 0:40:34 | 0:40:37 | |
You're the winner of the Round-Britain Shortest, Fattest Dumpiest Woman competition. | 0:40:37 | 0:40:45 | |
-For her to be with the winner of the Stupidest Accent Award is remarkable. -Sir! | 0:40:45 | 0:40:51 | |
Cork it, fatso! | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
This is the Victorian age where, apart from Queen Piglet-features, women should not be heard. | 0:40:53 | 0:41:01 | |
-Queen Piglet-features?! -Empress Oink, as the lads call her. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:06 | |
The only person in the kingdom dafter is that stupid Frankfurter. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:11 | |
The pig and the prig, we call them. How they produced their 112 children is beyond me. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:19 | |
-There must be blindfolds in the palace bedrooms. -Sir, we've never been so insulted! | 0:41:19 | 0:41:26 | |
You've been damned lucky! | 0:41:26 | 0:41:29 | |
Baldrick, this is excellent. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:35 | |
All the spongers have gone and there's all this tuck to gobble. | 0:41:35 | 0:41:40 | |
Here, have a wishbone. | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
What do you wish? | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
I wish there was some meat on this. | 0:41:46 | 0:41:49 | |
I enjoyed the last two. It was like having a go at the real Queen. | 0:41:49 | 0:41:54 | |
-It WAS the real Queen. -What would the Queen be doing here? | 0:41:54 | 0:41:59 | |
She came to reward you for being England's nicest man by giving you £50,000 and a title. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:07 | |
It couldn't have been the Queen. She leaves people her Royal Seal. | 0:42:07 | 0:42:13 | |
-Like this one? -Yes, like th... | 0:42:13 | 0:42:17 |