Episode 1 Don't Drop the Baton

This programme contains adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Don't Drop The

Baton. Coming to you from the Wild Cabaret and the heart of Glasgow's

Merchant City. I'm Mark Nelson. I'm Susan Calman. I want Glasgow to do

well because I was born here and brought up here. I still live here.

Some say I love this city. Some say, you are 39, move out of your

parents' house, Susan! These are the Commonwealth Games, the Friendly

Games. But it is hardly going to be a level playing field. India versus

the Isle of Man! India has a population of almost 1.3 billion

people. The Isle of Man is literally...

population of almost 1.3 billion people. The Isle Eight man! I think

the biggest story so far has been the Queen's Baton Relay. It has been

a huge story. Anyone who is anyone has taken part, celebrities,

volunteers, members of the committee. It really means

something. If you were asked to be a Baton Gera, you are someone in

Scotland! It means that you really are someone important, someone that

people respect in the country. -- Baton Deraa. I had a great day and

Clackmannan when I carried the Baton. I forget, Mark, where did you

do it? Mark? I tried to steal it! In Kilmarnock. There has been an

outbreak of norovirus at the Athletes Village. Symptoms have

included severe headaches, aching limbs and vomiting. Coincidentally,

these are the first Commonwealth Games in history where the Athletes

Village has its own bar. LAUGHTER

Sorry to break it to you, that is not norovirus, that is a hangover.

What is the face we are going to see at the Opening Ceremony, welcoming

the world to the Games? You will have seen him before, Daft, spiky

hair trying too hard to be Scottish. have seen him before, Daft, spiky

Not Clyde the mascot, Rod Stewart. If there is anything that needs ?150

million spent on regeneration, it is Rod Stewart. Stop Hill have joined

the excitement by showcasing their legendary sense of humour. They have

renamed train stations to reflect the Games. We have Cambuslang Jump.

Sprintburn. And Ding Ding Wall. I have come up with some of my own.

Get out of the athletes Lane. I Kilmarnock leave they wanted to

block the Red Road flats. And finally, how white these signs. --

these signs are. Hello? My name is Betty. I am a

volunteer. Hello, Betty. Please, find a space. Not that!

The Commonwealth Games are nearly upon us. And it is going to be a

very rich and exciting time for everyone in Glasgow. Everyone, that

is, except you. All of you! You are going to have the hardest, most

intensive two weeks of your entire lives. Dealing with people who are

lost, frustrated, angry and unattractive. Volunteered for pain.

Oh, dear. But you will like them, behind a mask of smiles and

helpfulness, won't you? ! Yes. Oh, yes, these will be the Friendly

Games. Your training begins now. A big smile, get in. Do your big

smile, again, smile, smile! Smile! Good you can stop smiling now. Never

stop smiling! Yes, have a pleasant day. Again! Again! Hello, and

welcome to Glasgow. Again! And here it is, the first round of the 100

metres. And once again all of the athletes choosing to wear

headphones. So much goes into the preparation of these races.

Including of course what these athletes listen to. In order to get

into their frame of mind for sprinting. Bonjour. Bonjour. Oui

Oui. Hello? Sandra, we are going to need

more beds. A lot more beds. Who do we want for the Opening

Ceremony? Let's think really big, yeah? Jeff Goldblum. Six foot four

and a half. Big, as in famous. He was in Jurassic Park. Something to

do with the Commonwealth Games. This is the moment when we present

Scotland to the rest of the world, so it has got to be our most famous

sportsman. Mr Andy Murray. Do you really think we could get him? You

have more chance of getting Jeff Goldblum. He hasn't been in anything

decent for ages. How much does Andy want? Who is second on the list?

Maybe we could get the dinosaurs and bring them back to Glasgow Green. If

we can't get Andy, then Judy Murray. Are you coping? She's a beautiful

woman, down to earth. What is her feet? Oh, that is more than Andy! --

her price. His fee is excellent, he is free whenever you want, day and

night. Where is the tennis being played again? Tennis is not in it.

There is no connection between tennis, Andy and the Commonwealth

Games? We can make our own connection. I like that. Own

connection, Andy Murray, he's does running and tennising. And squash.

We can't crowbar celebrities into sporting competition into something

they have no reason to beat into. His mother has a connection. We

reference her as, due to Murray. -- Judo Murray. Judo Murray.

Hello. Welcome to Glasgow. If I can be of any help, please don't

hesitate to ask. We are fine for now. Glaswegians really are just

naturally friendly, aren't they? Yes, sir, and Madame. Thank you, and

have a pleasant day. Personally, I don't think there's a

better city in the world to embrace the countries of the Commonwealth

than this one. We will accept anyone, no matter how weird and

strange their accent is. After all, we have accepted John Barrowman as

Scottish. We are going all out to impress our visitors. Apparently

there is going to be pop-up restaurants. All over the city.

Although in some areas of Glasgow, that is just called a food bank.

And, of course, tourists will see the sights of Glasgow, like our

famous monument in Royal exchange Square. A statue that has a traffic

cone on its head! Why? Because it shows we like a laugh and we don't

take ourselves too seriously. It is the same reason why we have a season

called summer. The city is bursting at the seams with culture. You can't

move for culture. You are probably sitting on culture right now. There

will be a brilliant excuse for being late for work. Sorry, bass, the bus

was delayed by a performance of Wagner's Ring cycle. I did not want

to leave halfway through. There was a lot of controversy at the Sochi

Winter Olympics over the treatment of LGBT people and we will prove

that Glasgow will not judge you on your gender, race, original

sexuality. For years, Scots have been celebrating every important

occasion with a dans named after a man called Gordon, who is happily

out to everyone. It is not all fun and games. There is a corporate side

to the event. There are many sponsors you may not be aware of.

One of them is Atos. And there is a certain irony in them is sponsoring

the para sports. It will certainly come as a surprise to some athletes

when they are on the morning of their event deemed not para enough!

These have been touted as Scotland's green games, that is why

one of the main sponsors is BP because nothing says green and

Scottish more than an multinational oil and gas conglomerate, based in

London. They should let individual sponsors event and as part of the

package you get to compete in the event. Imagine the joy of seeing

John from package you get to compete in the

event. Imagine the joy Arbroath in the swimming,

package you get to compete in the event. Imagine the joy of in the

trunks since his first holiday in Magaluf. Or as part of a surprise

birthday present, Christine from Nairn finding out she is running the

marathon. Or Kelly from Dumfries realising her hen night will be a

night to remember, as she steps into the boxing ring for the very first

time! I have got one more idea for a mascot. I think it is my best. OK,

let's see it. If there is one thing that says Scotland, it is this. We

love it, he is... Is it a scab? Scab? It is a sausage. Tell them

your name. Go on, do it. Lorne. Lorne.

It is not going to work. It doesn't make sense. As long as we stick to

the plan. 30 seconds, the velodrome. The number three bus, the number

eight bus, then walk. Ibrox. 18, 22, to Kelvingrove, to Strathclyde

country Park. You know this one. It is the shooting, it is the Bulls, it

is the triathlon. 18. 15, 16, 22, 42. Remember. No telling anyone. If

we are the only ones who know, we will always be there first and get

the best seats. Now, eat the map so no one else can find it. Faster!

attention please. Before we clean up the streets, we have been given a

new directive by our bosses as part of our ongoing effort to make

Glasgow more beatable for our visitors. We ask that each employee

tries to help eradicate the unsightly pigeon problem. Do you

want us to shoot them? Do we get a gun? Not exactly. They have sent as

a demonstration model. We each have a target of ten pigeons a day. How

the hell are we supposed to do that? It fastens with Velcro.

Rejected Commonwealth sports number one. Here you, you wee bustard.

Bob. It's took awhile to get it late, but I managed. It is not a

torch, it is a bad hand, the Queen's speech is inside that. Put

it out. I think may be that bit says hello. The opening ceremony is in

half an hour, we need something inspirational to read out.

If you are poor, but feeling healthy, you can still be

Commonwealth Day. It is getting hot in here, so take of your close.

There once was a man from Sri Lanka who everyone thought was a... You

can barbecue it, boil it. I will strike down upon the with great

vengeance and fury. You will know my name is the law, but do not think it

is upon the. That is it, Bob. Those who would attempt to poison and

destroy my others. Excuse me, will this bus take me to Tollcross?

Tollcross? Dougie, take that for a second. There are lots of buzz as

you can take to Tollcross. -- buses. Sandler, just wanting to

double-check. The diving board, what side of the pool did we put that on?

The deep end or the shallow end? The shallow end. We are really going to

have to move it. Where is highly with the entertainment. Tell me we

have got the proclaimers. We have, but since somebody spent all the

money, we can only afford one. One? We would be a laughing stock. We

could have two, but that means no fireworks. He could stand next to a

mirror. That is now officially the worst idea this committee has ever

had. There is no point putting a positive spin on this. Do we want

the one who can sing or the one with the guitar? How will that work? If

we get the one who plays the guitar, he could play and the crowd could

sing along. Or if we get the singing one that crowd will just have to

go... For 20 minutes or something. I said, get the guitar one!

Police Scotland have already described the Commonwealth Games

like having 15 T in the Parks all at once, although with slightly more

people in tracksuit on drugs. The natural question for me and you is

how are we going to get around during the games? Normal roads have

been turned into designated lanes. They will be used to ferry athletes

to the events. You can only use them if you are an athlete, or if you can

convince someone you are an athlete. How brilliant would it be if we see

people of Glasgow driving to work dressed in a leotard, swearing they

are representing Team Scotland in the rhythmic gymnastics. We always

have the buses. Saves on traffic, saves on pollution and people get to

see more of the city. One problem, the bus drivers, not the most jovial

of people anywhere in the world and Scotland is no different. You may

find them pleasant if you think the Korean leader looks like a laugh.

Even the athletes themselves are being encouraged to use buses. It is

not a good idea. I do not want people being disappointed when Usain

Bolt turns up late for the 100 metres relay because he did not have

enough change. The Underground, the Clockwork Orange, it is the

equivalent of the baggage belt at the airport. Have a knack for ten

minutes and you will be right back round again. People may laugh at

that. But in my opinion we have the best underground system in the

entire world. It is a shame none of the stations are near any of the

events. Some of you may have noticed the new bikes, the Weegie Wheels.

So, for all these thousands of people, how many bikes will there

be? 400. I am no mathematician, but that is not enough. 400 catering for

a population of over 700,000. That is one bicycle per 1500 people.

Unless you and your ?1499 are all part of a cycling display team,

there is a good chance you will not get on any of them. I can now see

why these will be the most active games, because to get to any event

you will have to complete a try after one first. They have made

supporting Team Scotland even more of a physical challenge and

qualifying to be in Team Scotland. It will all be fine. I am presenting

a worst-case scenario. The organisers have a thankless task. No

matter how well everything goes, there will always be a miserable

Scotsman complaining because it took them three minutes longer to get

somewhere because a swimmer from the Solomon Islands stopped to ask them

for directions to pole vault train station. And that miserable Scotsman

is me. Another personal best. This suit has

made the difference. Shaved off three minutes alone with this bad

boy. Unbelievable. See you in the showers. It is a

shame they have been banned. Where are we act with the opening

ceremony? I tell you what would get some amazing publicity. Get the

Queen to do one of her skydives off the top of the crane. We need to

reflect our past. I envisage a section of important moments in

Scottish history. Such as? The spider in King Robert the Bruce. The

spider could be this amazing, and electronic, hundred metre wide

puppet operated by local schoolchildren. Health and safety.

Who would be King Robert the Bruce? Gerard Butler. Somebody Scottish.

When Taggart died. The Highland clearances. Think outside the box.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles judo Mari turtles. Judo. Is there any

more coffee? It is an amazing achievement, how did you feel in the

last few minutes. I thought, keep going. It is tough, you are doing it

for your family. Have you got words for the viewers at home. Keep

believing. If I can get tickets off the official website, anyone can. I

do not know why you are so upset. Calm down and listen. We need to do

something and quickly. This is like 1986 never happen. We did it first.

Once we unleash this PR campaign, they will be dead in the water.

Edinburgh, we've got the diving, a castle and some trams. It is genius.

It is like seeing the future. Flash Gordon. They can take the Clockwork

Orange and shove it. Let's get these printed up, take them to Glasgow

and... Hold your horses. You do not mean we actually have to go to

Glasgow? Shall we just go for a little ride on a tram instead? Yes!

I love a tram. Rejected Commonwealth 's board number two. Three, two,

one, shirt off. Who do we want for the opening ceremony? We could get

the dinosaurs and bring them back to Glasgow Green. Do we want the one

who can sing or the one with the guitar? The Highland clearances. If

at first you don't succeed... There has been a murder, there has been a

murder. He is free whenever we want, day and night. Teenage mutant Ninja

judo Mari turtles. My name is Lauren, my name is Lauren.

Obviously, we do not know who is going to come out on top. We are not

FIFA. But we have high hopes for Team Scotland. In a couple of weeks

Hannah Miley might have a gold medal in the rowing. She is a swimmer.

Rowing is not even in it. What are you looking forward to? Lawn bowls.

It will be this game's version of beach volleyball. I love watching

long balls, I like saying the word long balls. If you say it enough, it

is sexy. What are you looking forward to? Apart from the lawn

bowls, I am looking forward to finding out how friendly Glaswegians

really are when the norovirus causes the athletes' village to close and

we have to find a spare room for a hockey team. Glasgow 2014, sponsored

by Imodium. Do you have any predictions? I am hoping someone

will forget their kits and be made to raise in their pants.

Controversially, the volunteers might go on strike when they realise

volunteering means you do not get paid. Whatever happens, good luck to

Team Scotland and everyone competing in the Commonwealth Games. And even

more luck to everyone trying to get to the games. See you back here in

two weeks. Good night. Good night.