Episode 9 Have I Got News for You


Episode 9

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Transcript


LineFromTo

This is an issue, gang. I'm sorry. I couldn't find any tissues.

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-So I apologise.

-Would you like a clean handkerchief?

-It's linen...!

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I'm afraid to say, constituents often cry in my surgery.

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So I find it very useful to have a clean handkerchief.

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-I can imagine that so clearly.

-I thought you might.

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Mel Giedroych.

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And in the news this week, on a well-deserved break in Tenerife,

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Sports Direct's Mike Ashley dives effortlessly into his swimming pool.

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At Chevening House, as Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis

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all bring their pets for the weekend,

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it's a tough day for the local dog walker.

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And at his constituency in Tatton,

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George Osborne denies he's still obsessed with austerity

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as he makes a few adjustments to the village Christmas tree.

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On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, in 2007,

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married Helena de Chair, who I believe was one of a set of six.

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Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP.

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And with Paul tonight is creator and star of Citizen Khan,

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the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham

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since the estimated completion date of HS2.

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-Please welcome Adil Ray.

-Thank you.

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Adil, take a look at this.

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-PAUL:

-It's Theresa May.

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That's the House of Commons a long time ago.

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The England cricket team. There we are.

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And they are setting fire to the EU fire regulations.

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There she is again.

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-There was a judge asleep there.

-There was a sleeping judge there.

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That's an appalling slur, right at the top of the show.

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The suggestion that it was so dull in court he'd be asleep...

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-Don't you think that's appalling?

-Indeed. I'm shocked.

-Good.

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LAUGHTER

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The wigs are very hot, though. So maybe he was just having a quick...

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Are they usually wide-awake, the judges You appear in front of?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In the Supreme Court, they don't wear wigs.

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They are rather modern in the Supreme Court.

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-They just where ordinary clothes.

-They come as The Supremes.

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LAUGHTER

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This is the news that Parliament backed Theresa May

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to trigger the Brexit processed by the end of March next year.

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So who was this a victory for, Labour or the government?

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-What do we think?

-Oh, huge victory for the government.

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A triumph for the Conservative Party,

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for Mrs May and the Chief Whip.

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LAUGHTER

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This is the post-truth era.

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It was a bit of a climb-down, though, wasn't it,

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to say, "I'm not going to tell you the plan."

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And then say, "Well, we will tell you the plan."

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We've been told the plan. We are leaving the European Union.

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Brexit means Brexit. And...

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No, that's the aim. What's the plan?

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That's what happens at the end of a two-year process.

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That is it. We leave.

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And it's been very clear from the other side,

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from Mr Tusk and Mr Barnier, that we can't cherry-pick,

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that there is no such thing as hard Brexit or soft Brexit,

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there's either Brexit or remaining in the European Union.

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But Mrs May uses this metaphor of a cliff edge.

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And that was your leader.

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That was her own metaphor, "We don't want to go over the cliff edge."

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She used a better metaphor,

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so you'd have "a red white and blue Brexit",

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-which is the one I prefer.

-Right.

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-So you're cherry-picking her metaphors.

-I am, yes.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Let's have a little look.

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Is it hard, soft? Is it grey, white?

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Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.

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That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.

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Hang on a minute, no mention of brown there.

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I know what she's up to.

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How did the Star make this story more fun,

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while not exactly making it any clearer?

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-Theresa May with her kit off.

-Oh...

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Almost, yes. Yes, almost.

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Have a little look at this.

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We go up the body, Geri, Geri... Theresa.

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I didn't see anything like that in the Financial Times.

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But then, they are terrible Remainers.

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Well, people who know what they're talking about

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with the financial markets.

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APPLAUSE

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But, Jacob, am I right in saying that you wanted

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a hard, white Brexit with a runny yolk.

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-You're absolutely right, yes.

-Is that right?

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You're absolutely spot on. I think that's how we should have it.

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We should have an absolutely solid and clear Brexit,

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but we should be generous to our European friends,

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as far as we possibly can be.

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When you knock the top off your egg of a morning, Jacob,

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are you a peeler or are you a slicer?

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Do you know, I'm all in favour of Brexit, I never have breakfast.

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-So I can't really...

-Brexfast.

-Or Brexfast.

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-ADIL:

-His butler does it, come on.

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You're asking the wrong person.

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Perhaps he doesn't walk around in daylight.

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LAUGHTER

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We've covered that. It's all right, we'll carry on. Good. Excellent.

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-I love this, it's brisk.

-Yes. Bloody brisk.

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Have you got somewhere to go?

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-I do, actually.

-Channel 4.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, the Daily Mail insisted that it was right to discuss

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the 11 Supreme Court judges' backgrounds. And why not?

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Given that they will be passing judgment on what will be an issue

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that affects the lives of everyone in the country, here they are.

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Here are the 11 judges.

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Er...that looks like a picture of your stag party, Jacob.

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Nine went to Oxbridge, nine went to public school,

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two of which are old Etonians and there is one woman.

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-What, only two old Etonians?

-I'm afraid so, Jacob.

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LAUGHTER

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Most of them are in prison these days, so...

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This court case, of course, is pretty momentous.

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It's all been extremely exciting.

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-Shall we have a look at the riveting workings of the Supreme Court?

-Yeah.

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Sadly, we're not actually allowed to show you any footage from the court,

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but do you think it'd be possible to sort of stage our own

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repertory theatre Crown Court here?

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I'd fight anybody who said we couldn't do it.

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All right, good.

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I've got some scripts here.

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-Paul, I'd very much like you to be Lord Pannick.

-Lord Pannick.

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Adil, please will you take the part of Lord Clarke?

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Jacob, I'd like you to be Lady Hale, please.

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And, Ian, please, the President.

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No expense spared here on Have I Got News For You.

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We've got wigs, we've got ruddy wigs.

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I know, Jacob, you said they don't have wigs in the Supreme Court.

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-They don't.

-But tonight they do. Just go with it, Jacob.

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So two comedy judge wigs for you.

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Now, of course, we need a...

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APPLAUSE

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Which way do they go on?

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I'm afraid I'm not wearing a wig.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Come on! Wig! Wig! Wig!

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AUDIENCE CHANTS: Wig! Wig! Wig! Wig!

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CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES

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I'm not wearing a wig for the very obvious reason I'm a Tory

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-and I can't therefore wear a "Whig".

-Awww!

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I'll happily put it on the desk in front of me.

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All right, my love.

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That's good, that's good. Well done, Adil. See, Adil's wearing a wig.

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I'm wearing a wig. They accuse people like me of not integrating.

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-High Court judge!

-APPLAUSE

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I've reached the top.

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# Stop! In the name of love... #

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Where's Diana gone? Where's she gone?

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Paul, I very much like the way one flap is sort of back

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-and one is forward.

-It's deliberate.

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It's very alluring, it's very alluring.

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Flirting.

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Ian, we've got the President for you.

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Who is the President?

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Oh, sorry, I said, "Could we get a President wig?" I think...

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It's Trump, isn't it?

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They might... APPLAUSE

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There's been a bit of a mix-up at the wig store. Sorry, Ian.

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Catch. Catch.

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Jacob...

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AUDIENCE BOOS

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Oh, what, just because Jacob's not wearing a wig,

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Ian's not going to wear one, either?

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-Well...

-Oh.

-I think we've won this round already.

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It's amazing the number of people

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-who think they've got dignity to lose, isn't it?

-Exactly!

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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Now, it's about the pronunciation of the name in an old case.

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OK, lovely, so...

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-Gents, let the drama begin, my darlings.

-I'll kick off, shall I?

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IN ELDERLY VOICE:

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"De Kee-ser."

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"I will call it De Kee-ser."

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"You say De Kee-ser, I say De Kai-ser."

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IN ACCENT:

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APPLAUSE

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Very strong.

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Oh, ladies and gentlemen, rounds of applause.

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I tell you what, if we keep these on, they'll have to use it.

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-They won't be able to cut it out.

-Exactly.

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We've got 'em on now.

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You should have thought of that before you handed out the props.

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Way-hay! Look at this!

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We've having a party.

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The Supreme Court panel includes Baroness Hale and ten lords,

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for whom this is a particularly busy time of year,

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as they have a lot of a-leaping to do.

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APPLAUSE

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One of the Supreme Court judges is Lord Clarke

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of...

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..which I can only assume is some public school version

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of rock-paper-scissors.

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APPLAUSE

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I think we were right not to wear the wigs.

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-I think you're right.

-Jacob, what did you whisper just then?

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Something about the wigs?

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I said I thought the two of us were right not to wear the wigs.

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They're still here if you change your mind.

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You know, it wouldn't be beyond the wit of the production team

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just to sort of have a photograph of you

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and just sort of computer Photoshop the wig on top.

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But the BBC wouldn't behave in such a disgraceful way.

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Well, I've given them half an hour's warning.

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APPLAUSE

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Ian and Jacob, take a look at this.

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Ah, this is a by-election being held today.

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I don't think he's won.

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That's the Lib Dems. That's a fish, he's not a Lib Dem.

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And that's Zac.

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"Something fishy here," says the fish.

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"I thought I had a bad day."

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By-elections -

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we had one last week where very sadly Zac Goldsmith lost his seat

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and we've got one in Sleaford and North Hykeham today.

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We will have the result by the time this is being watched.

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And I expect it'll be a gigantic victory for Conservatism

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and therefore a day of rejoicing and song.

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It was a big Tory majority that was overturned, though, wasn't it?

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-Yeah, in Richmond.

-We didn't have a candidate in Richmond.

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Zac was standing as an independent.

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Why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?

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-Um, why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?

-That's what I asked.

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Yes, um...

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Because we thought it might reduce Zac's chances of winning.

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But why did you want him to win?

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He'd just said, "I resign."

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Because he had been a Conservative before

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and, to be perfectly honest, we didn't want the Lib Dems to win,

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which was a worse result than an independent winning

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and sadly that worse result came to pass.

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-Sort of in spades, really.

-Well, not really -

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they've gone from eight to nine in the House of Commons,

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which I don't think is going to change the world much.

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-Zac lost for the second time in a year.

-Yeah.

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-It's not a good year for him, was it?

-He's had a heck of a year.

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Of course, he lost the London mayoral election to Sadiq Khan

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after a campaign that involved

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a little bit of scaremongering about Muslims.

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And who else became embroiled in this issue this week?

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Oh, yes, the American author

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who said that London is becoming Islamic.

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-Yes.

-Yes, yes.

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Janie Johnson is her name and she tweeted this...

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Now, Janie's tweet was met with a variety of responses.

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APPLAUSE

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Yep.

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That is now known as the "Burqin".

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-The "Burqin"?

-Yep.

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Somebody else responded to Janie...

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APPLAUSE

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The Labour candidate in Richmond lost his deposit.

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Do you know any of the issues that he is big on?

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One of them was not getting anyone to vote for him.

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That became quite a big issue.

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There are more members of the Labour Party in Richmond

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than people who voted for him, which is quite poor

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if you can't even get your own members to vote for you.

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According to The Telegraph...

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Probably needed toilet paper when he saw his results coming through.

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Does he champion the bidet?

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Oh, I don't like a bidet.

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-Don't you?

-I don't, no.

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Two days before D-Day, did you know that?

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It's true.

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True story.

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I don't know. Jacob, how do you feel about a bidet?

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Is it non-you, is it a bit non-you?

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A bit INCONTINENTAL.

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Who did we learn is quite thin skinned this week?

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-Boris Johnson?

-Yeah.

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Ministers have been ordered to stop making jokes about him

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in a bid to banish his...

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Do you think people might take Mr Johnson more seriously

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if he actually learnt to dress himself properly?

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Have a look at this.

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I think that is exactly the attire

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you would expect a dashing young foreign secretary to have.

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I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a long tie.

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It's more of a noose, really, isn't it?

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Now, Jacob, you supported Boris for the leadership, didn't you?

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-Yes, great man.

-Until he was...

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And very popular on Have I Got News For You?

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You supported Boris until he was stabbed in the back by Michael Gove,

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then you supported Gove until he was knocked out.

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Then you supported Andrea Leadsom.

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Presumably that was, kind of, just for a laugh.

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In any case, are you really a fan of Mrs May and the chief whips?

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Oh, absolutely. There is, um...greater zeal in a convert

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than there is in somebody who starts off down the road,

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though I certainly accept that my predictions

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during the Conservative leadership campaign were not always correct.

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You see, you can do the diplomacy thing,

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whereas Boris really can't do it, can he?

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-Yes.

-Oh, I don't know. I think he's marvellous.

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-A jolly good fellow.

-You're just being silly now.

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No, I'm not, I'm not.

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I think he's a great representative for the country on the world stage.

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People want to meet Boris, they're interested in him.

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They want to be offended by him, they want to...

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The row today is that he said something

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that most people know to be true.

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So I can't see why people should be too upset.

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-I think the shock...

-But then Mrs May said it wasn't true!

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Then Mrs May said it didn't fully represent government policy,

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-that's a different thing.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is the Sleaford and North Hykeham by-election

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that's happening as we speak. As has become tradition,

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the by-election featured three joke candidates

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who stood for the Monster Raving Loony Party,

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the Bus-pass Elvis Party, and the Labour Party.

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According to The Times, the Green Party were offered £250,000

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to sit out the Richmond by-election, but...

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..as it was going to be paid in meat-based fivers.

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According to a recent review of social integration,

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newcomers to this country could soon be made to swear an oath

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that encourages immigrants...

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..which these days presumably goes,

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"I do solemnly swear to shout at myself on buses

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"and tell myself to piss off back where I came from."

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And onwards to Round Two.

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Oh, I love this one. The Picture Spin Quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BELL RINGS

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-That's Mark Carney.

-Yes.

-The governor of the Bank of England,

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who says we shouldn't worry about anything we're worrying about

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at the moment because all our jobs will be taken over by robots.

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You are bang-on.

0:17:550:17:57

All these robots coming over here, taking our jobs.

0:17:570:18:00

Jobs meant for us Pakistanis.

0:18:000:18:03

Andy Haldane, the Bank's chief economist,

0:18:030:18:06

did have some slightly reassuring news.

0:18:060:18:08

What jobs did he deem safe from the robo-invasion?

0:18:080:18:12

Robot-making jobs.

0:18:120:18:14

-They're going to do well.

-Good.

-They're going to do really well.

0:18:150:18:18

Undertakers.

0:18:180:18:20

-Ooh, kind of...

-You don't want to be buried by robots, do you?

0:18:200:18:23

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-You will be sadly missed.

0:18:230:18:26

-Hairdressers.

-Yes! Hairdressers, Ian.

0:18:280:18:32

Oh, you're kidding.

0:18:320:18:33

-..apparently.

-Well, nannies are indestructible.

0:18:350:18:39

Why might robots not be an immediate threat if you work in a laundry?

0:18:390:18:44

They're allergic to steam. Rusts them up.

0:18:440:18:47

Good, we should all get into water-based industries.

0:18:470:18:50

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I have a superior intelligence,

0:18:500:18:53

but it's steam. I cannot take this steam.

0:18:530:18:55

You're really enjoying that character, Paul, aren't you?

0:18:550:18:59

-You're really good at robots.

-Well, there's a reason for that...

0:18:590:19:02

Go on, then.

0:19:020:19:03

IMITATING DALEK: Can you do a Dalek?

0:19:060:19:09

Brex-terminate!

0:19:090:19:12

Jacob, come on. Robot! Robot! Robot!

0:19:150:19:17

Jacob, we've all done them.

0:19:170:19:19

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Come on, Jacob.

0:19:190:19:22

I would if I could, but I can't.

0:19:220:19:23

-ADIL:

-That was brilliant!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:230:19:26

The NHS has already started using robots.

0:19:320:19:36

A robot is replacing the NHS's only registered...

0:19:360:19:40

The NHS used to employ one man - one man -

0:19:430:19:48

to offer up his rectum to teach students

0:19:480:19:51

how to carry out examinations.

0:19:510:19:53

He is being replaced by a...

0:19:540:19:56

And here it is.

0:19:590:20:01

-ADIL:

-What's that?! What is that bit between his legs?!

0:20:030:20:06

We're all thinking that, aren't we?

0:20:060:20:09

What is that?! Is it the end of Boris Johnson's tie?

0:20:090:20:12

That patient is beyond having his rectum examined. Look at him.

0:20:180:20:20

He's got no legs, no torso.

0:20:200:20:22

What's up his arse is the least of his troubles.

0:20:220:20:25

Does it make the noise?

0:20:270:20:28

AARGH!

0:20:280:20:29

Or... Mm!

0:20:300:20:32

Oh, you'll have to take me out for dinner now.

0:20:350:20:37

Yes, this is Mark Carney's warning

0:20:370:20:40

that 15 million jobs may be at risk from robots.

0:20:400:20:43

Just Eat has delivered its first takeaway using a delivery droid.

0:20:430:20:46

The customer was delighted with the service until he failed to tip

0:20:460:20:50

and the droid vaporised his house with a thermo laser.

0:20:500:20:53

Meanwhile, a robot has gone berserk, injuring bystanders

0:20:530:20:57

at a Chinese tech fair. Here is the robot.

0:20:570:21:00

It looks like someone's thrown one of Little Mix into a flip-top bin.

0:21:020:21:06

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:21:090:21:11

Kim Jong-un, Zacchaeus,

0:21:110:21:13

Mike Ashley, and Lois Olsen.

0:21:130:21:16

BELL RINGS

0:21:160:21:18

-We know the topical ones. Zacchaeus...

-Hmm.

0:21:180:21:21

Um...

0:21:210:21:22

He was a tax collector, and was therefore shunned

0:21:220:21:25

by a lot of people in those days who didn't want to pay taxes.

0:21:250:21:29

How much things have changed.

0:21:290:21:31

Is it not about tax?

0:21:320:21:34

Not to do with taxes, but it is to do with money.

0:21:340:21:36

Well, that's the man from Sports Direct.

0:21:360:21:38

-Mm-hmm. Mike Ashley.

-Who didn't pay people enough.

0:21:380:21:40

Well, they've all earnt money, but she's won some money.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, you haven't mentioned Kim, Kim Jong-un.

0:21:430:21:45

It's more to do with him.

0:21:450:21:47

He's the only one in charge of a rogue nuclear state.

0:21:470:21:50

APPLAUSE

0:21:530:21:56

They all have too much money apart from Kim Jong-un,

0:21:560:22:00

who's had to start selling dog-meat ready meals

0:22:000:22:02

to raise money for some nuclear warheads.

0:22:020:22:06

Absolutely true, apparently.

0:22:060:22:08

So who is Kim planning on selling his dog-meat ready meals to?

0:22:080:22:12

Dogs.

0:22:120:22:14

-Is he hoping to export them?

-Yes.

0:22:140:22:16

Is it the first of our new, exciting trade deals?

0:22:160:22:20

Dog meat from North Korea.

0:22:220:22:24

According to The Sun newspaper...

0:22:280:22:30

Included in the range is powdered dog,

0:22:360:22:38

to which you just add hot water. Presumably called Not Poodle.

0:22:380:22:42

Predictably, the story did cause a stir in the comments section

0:22:510:22:54

on The Sun Online. Well, actually, there was just one comment.

0:22:540:22:58

Stephen Bentley wrote...

0:22:580:22:59

Now, you mentioned the older lady in the foursome.

0:23:030:23:07

80-year-old Lois Olsen, that is, from Canada.

0:23:070:23:10

She won 50 million in the lottery this week.

0:23:100:23:13

How did she react to the incredible news?

0:23:130:23:16

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Bloody hell!

0:23:160:23:18

She's from Canada.

0:23:180:23:20

-Oh, right.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Bloody hell!

0:23:200:23:22

She's from Canada.

0:23:220:23:24

LAUGHTER

0:23:240:23:27

Yeah, she says...

0:23:290:23:31

In the Bible, Zacchaeus was described as...

0:23:350:23:38

Zacchaeus was particularly despised

0:23:400:23:42

by the Roman stand-up comedian Jimmius Carrus.

0:23:420:23:45

Oh, hang on, Jacob, sorry.

0:23:480:23:49

Yeah, I've just got word in from the Photoshopping department.

0:23:490:23:54

Let's have a little look at this.

0:23:540:23:56

LAUGHTER

0:23:560:23:59

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week

0:24:040:24:07

features as its guest publication, Carrot Country.

0:24:070:24:11

It's got a regular medical page, entitled What's Up, Doc?

0:24:110:24:15

And we start with...

0:24:180:24:20

The three dwarfs who didn't make it into the pantomime.

0:24:230:24:25

Purple, Scrawny and Pungent.

0:24:270:24:29

Hey, Snow White.

0:24:290:24:30

-JACOB:

-A carrot.

0:24:320:24:34

It is, of course, to do with carrots. The answer is...

0:24:340:24:38

Carrot Country reveals that carrots used to be purple, red and black

0:24:410:24:44

until orange carrots as we know them were bred by the Dutch.

0:24:440:24:47

So, selective breeding made them orange, just like the Trump family.

0:24:470:24:51

Next...

0:24:510:24:52

-JACOB:

-Carrots.

0:24:560:24:58

Jacob, are you just going to say carrots for every single answer?

0:24:580:25:02

Well, I got one right and we got a point, so I might get another.

0:25:020:25:06

I know this one.

0:25:090:25:11

It's 25 Liberal MPs.

0:25:110:25:13

They're building slowly, but, you know, in 200 million years,

0:25:150:25:19

they're going to be right back up there.

0:25:190:25:21

It's 25 hours in the day because the Earth is going slower.

0:25:210:25:25

And therefore we're going to have an extra hour in the day.

0:25:250:25:28

You're absolutely right, there'll be 25 hours in a day.

0:25:280:25:32

Next...

0:25:320:25:33

-Of the carrot.

-JACOB:

-It's got to be the carrot.

0:25:360:25:39

You're absolutely right.

0:25:390:25:41

It's the year of the carrot.

0:25:410:25:43

Bang on.

0:25:480:25:49

That's according to the vegetarian option of the Chinese horoscope.

0:25:490:25:52

And next year is the year of the brassica,

0:25:520:25:55

so do but that date in your colander.

0:25:550:25:57

-GROANS

-Very good, I like that.

0:25:570:26:00

Next...

0:26:020:26:03

Carrots under cover posing as international playboys in French bars.

0:26:050:26:09

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-It looked like a carrot, but I am an international playboy.

0:26:090:26:13

Carrots under cover Isis sleeping cells.

0:26:130:26:16

-Ohh!

-Carrots under cover grow bigger than those that are not under cover.

0:26:160:26:20

I'll have to give that to you.

0:26:200:26:22

The answer is carrots under cover...

0:26:220:26:24

This is the tip for carrot growers

0:26:260:26:27

to cover the earth with black plastic sheeting.

0:26:270:26:30

Another way is to put extra soil and compost on them.

0:26:300:26:33

Mm, the plot thickens.

0:26:330:26:35

And finally...

0:26:390:26:41

Carrot.

0:26:440:26:45

It's riding a horse.

0:26:450:26:48

Oh, very strong, Jacob, absolutely right.

0:26:480:26:50

Have we got the picture? It's a very good picture.

0:26:550:26:57

We've absolutely got the picture.

0:26:570:26:59

Or as it's also known, the North Korean set menu for two.

0:27:020:27:07

GROANS

0:27:070:27:08

So, the final scores are,

0:27:100:27:12

on 7, Paul and Adil,

0:27:120:27:14

but on 10, Ian and Jacob.

0:27:140:27:17

It's an extraordinary win.

0:27:170:27:19

Amazing. How? I've no idea.

0:27:190:27:21

No idea.

0:27:210:27:23

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:260:27:28

Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg, Paul Merton and Adil Ray,

0:27:280:27:31

and I leave you with news that,

0:27:310:27:33

as Donald Trump continues to select his White House team,

0:27:330:27:36

there's a successful application for the post of Oval Office intern.

0:27:360:27:40

Campaigning in Lincolnshire,

0:27:420:27:44

a confident Nick Clegg points the way to number 76.

0:27:440:27:47

And after putting an extra-large Christmas cake in the oven,

0:27:510:27:54

disaster strikes for Paul Hollywood

0:27:540:27:57

as he eagerly decides to lick the bowl.

0:27:570:27:59

Goodnight.

0:28:030:28:05

-Jacob, do you mind if I have a blow?

-No, no, by all means.

0:28:400:28:45

LAUGHTER

0:28:460:28:49

No wonder you got 10 points.

0:28:490:28:52

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