Episode 5 Insert Name Here

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here,

the show where we discover surprising things about a

group of people with just one thing in common - the same first name.

Joining me are six of my favourite people,

each with their very own unique moniker.

Please welcome Ruth Goodman, Jon Richardson

and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe,

and over on the other side, Holly Walsh, Adil Ray

and their captain Richard Osman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Talking of names, Jon, what happened to the H?

Yeah, er, it was my choice, aged zero. I just said, get rid of that.

Superfluous.

I don't know, it's led to some, er, tedious conversations,

-of which this is one.

-Yeah.

It's a shame cos I was hoping this would form

the whole of the first round.

Is Jon not short for Jonathan?

-FORCED LAUGHING:

-No, well, a lot of people think that, Holly!

That's the craziest thing, is that it isn't.

Holly, you have just added a new addition to the family.

-Yeah, I just had a baby.

-A little boy?

-Yeah.

-What's his name?

He's called Arthur.

I had to name someone, that's a difficult thing to do.

-Big choice.

-It's really hard cos there are a lot of names.

-He's just got rid of his H, he's now Artur.

-Artur, yeah.

I was in the labour ward and there were these people next to us

who'd had twins and they were trying to work out the name for their kid,

and the father suggested a name and then the women went, "Why?"

and the guy was like, "Cos I really want a name with meaning."

and the woman went, "What, Shelley?"

LAUGHTER

And so to the all-important question,

which name will be featuring tonight?

Well, it's the name of England's sexiest footballer,

Wales's favourite saint,

and Britain's...most current Prime Minister.

Yes, tonight's name is Dave.

APPLAUSE

We are going to be talking all about people called Dave, David,

and possibly even Davina. All variations are welcome.

Our David door is always open,

but which Daves might be appearing on the show tonight?

We've got sporting legends,

showbiz legends,

actual legends.

We've got a David that money can't buy

and a David that money DID buy.

TENSE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Along the way, our teams will be collecting Daves and the team

with the most will get to decide who was the greatest Dave of all time.

Richard, any idea, early doors, as to which Dave you'd like to see

get the greatest Dave of all time?

Well, there's a lot of pressure.

This is the first time we've ever done a name that's also the name of

a channel we want to sell the show to at some point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No pressure.

Actually, I'd rather not win today, cos you've got to choose

-between the wonderful late, great David Bowie...

-You would.

..and David Attenborough.

-Who wants to do that?

-Is he dead as well?

Not at time of recording.

LAUGHTER

Josh, how about you? Who would you tender for Dave of all time?

Craig David.

Has he been all over your body?

No, it's only Monday, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

OK, time to pick a Dave.

Our panellists choose a category and behind each one

lurks a famous Dave, which our teams must attempt to win.

-So, Josh, I'm going to start with you.

-Oh!

Your team have got the choice between an intrepid Dave,

a sexy Dave,

a biblical Dave or a cheesy Dave.

Any of them could be Craig David.

LAUGHTER

Would he be a biblical Dave?

Yeah, because like God, he rested on Sunday.

-I think we should go sexy Dave...

-Sexy Dave.

..to see who could possibly fulfil that.

You've chosen golden-balled footy hero David Beckham.

SHE PURRS

That is one hell of a tightly coiled towel he's got wrapped around him.

Let's have a look at his stats.

LAUGHTER

Of course, it's hard to imagine David without his delightful wife

Victoria, so my first question to you guys is,

what did David buy Victoria for her 34th birthday?

A salad?

LAUGHTER

Jesus died at 33. Is that a thing?

-Yeah.

-Is that a fact?

-So you'd be all right, though, yeah.

- Like a mug that says, "Congrats, you've outlived Jesus?"

I'll give you a clue, OK?

It's shrubbery in a line, lots of shrubbery.

-A hedge?

-A hedge?!

Yeah, but think of lots of concentric lines of...

-A vineyard!

-A vineyard, yes.

For her 34th birthday, he bought her a vineyard.

How did he wrap it up?

LAUGHTER

Not the only time David's been a little extravagant.

In July 2012, he bought a piece of artwork

for his daughter's first birthday.

Does anybody know who made it?

Damien Hirst.

-Is the right answer, straight off the bat!

-Ooh!

APPLAUSE

He's got less money than his wife has.

His wife earns all the money in that household now, doesn't she?

Victoria, yeah.

- I reckon they've probably got a joint bank account.

- I would if I was married to Victoria Beckham.

-- So would I.

-You'd do what, sorry?

-I'd have a joint bank account.

I'll tell you what I'd do to her!

LAUGHTER

I swear to God, I'd take her up that high street,

I'd open up a joint bank account with her...

LAUGHTER

..all day long.

Oh, the deposits I'd make!

Harper Seven is Beckham's fourth child.

Here's what he said about his first.

LAUGHTER

I once bought confectionery for David Beckham.

-Did you?!

-Yeah.

-What was the confectionery?

Erm, I was working in Waterstones and he was doing a signing,

and I got dispatched to get him Haribo and...

"Dispatched"?!

LAUGHTER

SHE MIMICS HUNTING BUGLE

It's weird I've never heard David Beckham

tell the same anecdote on a talk show.

Obviously David only had eyes for delectable Victoria,

but who did he once name as his weird crush?

Maggie Thatcher.

-Cos people are into that kind of stern...

-I have to say...

Uh-oh!

- Here we go. - Settle back, everybody.

Well, as I was growing up, I...

I was probably seven or eight, but there was something about

Margaret Thatcher and I remember looking at her on telly,

thinking she had nice hair.

LAUGHTER

She did!

And weirdly, I remember always wondering how she smelt.

I imagine she had a nice smell, Margaret Thatcher.

-Shall I tell you what she smelt of?

-Yes.

The sadness of a million coalminers.

-LAUGHTER

-Well...

APPLAUSE

OK, well, think along those lines.

A woman, but married to a famous politician.

-Sally Bercow.

-Cherie Blair.

-Cherie Blair...

No... Oh, yes!

-..his weird...

-No way, that was unbelievable from Richard!

"No... Oh, yes!"

LAUGHTER

We've got a picture here of them meeting.

He first met her when he attempted to bury a penalty in the

top right-hand corner of her mouth.

LAUGHTER

It looks like he's hiding a ventriloquist doll behind his back.

"I've got a surprise for you!"

Richard, weren't you voted weird crush by Heat Magazine?

I have been, yeah, in the time, but I think Jon was as well,

I think Jon beat me last year. Didn't you come second last year?

I've never won, I've come second twice,

and third, as a gentleman should.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not entirely sure a gentleman should come THIRD, but...

Time, anyway, now, to play for the Dave. Here's the question.

Tonight, dipping my fingers into the pages of David Beckham's

autobiography, My Side. I'm going to read out three short extracts.

One is a genuine passage from David's autobiography,

two are fakes. Your job is to find out the bona fide Beckham.

Here we go, extract number one.

LAUGHTER

Number two...

LAUGHTER

And number three...

LAUGHTER

Which one do you think is the genuine article?

Was Smash Hits still around during The Spice Girls' era?

-Yeah, yeah, it was peak.

-Shh, shh.

-LAUGHTER

-Was it?

-Yeah.

-No, no!

It finished in about '55, Smash Hits was.

I've never heard him talk about music.

I don't think he's into music.

He does imply Victoria could write a hit single,

which I don't think is true.

-Pictionary?

-Everyone likes Pictionary.

-Yeah.

So you're going to go for Pictionary.

What are you guys doing to go for?

Smash Hits, he definitely... That's where he saw Victoria and thought, "I'll have a bit of that."

What was he doing reading a teenage girl's magazine?

I think he was learning to read at that point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think we'll go with Smash Hits, please.

Well, the correct answer is...

Smash Hits. Richard's team get the Dave.

Well done, Beckham's all yours.

APPLAUSE

Richard, over to you. Time to pick a Dave.

You've got your choices of an intrepid Dave,

a biblical Dave or a cheesy Dave.

Can we have intrepid Dave, please?

And you've picked one of the great Victorians,

Dr David Livingstone.

Let's have a look at his stats.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Dr Livingstone spent 30 years in Africa, covering 28,000 miles.

Wanted to open up trade routes, abolish slavery

and convert people to Christianity.

-Anybody done any of those things?

-Abstinence.

LAUGHTER

It's a shame it wasn't 69 with that moustache.

A tad abrasive, I'd say.

They might have had moustache wax in those days to soften it up.

Well, they did have moustache wax, it was called mascara.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-They called it mascara?

-That's what it was.

It was only in the 1920s that women started using men's moustache wax

to put on their eyelashes.

Just leave us something!

LAUGHTER

It's hard enough being a man!

So what was in mascara? What would have been...?

-It's mostly sort of fat, wax and soot.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

Ruth, we talk about the mascara,

but was he properly equipped to go to Africa?

-Oh, yeah, he had Dr Jaeger's woollen underwear.

-In Africa?

I really hoped he'd call it Jaegerbums.

LAUGHTER

During one expedition, Livingstone was abandoned by his men.

Natives agreed to give him food in return for what?

Eating his dinner in public.

-Absolutely right!

-Wow!

They put him in a little enclosure

and the locals came to watch this weird bloke

eating in a really strange way, and in exchange for that,

-he got the food.

-What way did he eat?

- Well, he used to eat the bottom of the Jaffa Cakes off first.

They'd never seen anything like it.

You're absolutely right,

they were so fascinated by his use of knife and fork that he was made

to eat in a sort of VIP, cordoned-off area,

so they could just watch him.

Livingstone eventually died of dysentery, after which his

African servants carried his body more than 1,000 miles to the coast,

where it was taken back to Britain, but does anybody know

what his servants did before they sent him off?

They cut out his heart and buried it under a tree.

They did. You're absolutely right.

They were happy to send the body back,

but stated his heart belonged...to Africa.

Livingstone trained as a doctor and created various medicinal remedies,

including one called...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..Livingstone's Rousers.

Here's a picture of a genuine bottle of Rousers.

As the label states, the compound was made from quinine

and rhubarb, so you could take it as a tablet...or in a crumble.

LAUGHTER

Also the names of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's children.

Does anybody know what Livingstone's Rousers did?

Was it like an early Red Bull?

It was more to fight against disease, a particular disease.

-Malaria.

-Malaria's absolutely right, absolutely right.

-His wife did die of malaria.

-Did she?

Didn't he die of malaria as well? - Hmm, possibly. They're not quite so sure with him.

- Why are they unsure...? - He had all sorts of things wrong with them, he had terrible ulcers...

No heart.

LAUGHTER

Ruth, was the Rouser a sort of typical Victorian remedy?

That was quite gentle by Victorian standards.

So what was the worst sort of remedy?

Usually, the rhubarb is in there obviously to clear your system out,

but they would normally give you mercury for that.

-Oh, that's helpful.

-Yeah, particularly good for newborn babies,

you'll be pleased to know. Then, of course, you can keep 'em

nice and quiet for the rest of their childhood on nice tonics

and soothing syrups, which all contain opium.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

- And this is essentially how The Jeremy Kyle Show started.

One doctor at the time, I mean,

we can't prove it one way or another, but in his opinion,

he thought that a third of all Manchester-born babies

-were drug addicts.

-How times change(!)

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Obviously life in Africa was extremely dangerous.

Here is a picture of Livingstone's arm bone. What caused that injury?

Does anybody know what caused that injury?

Arm wrestling.

A lion.

-Indeed. He was savaged by a lion.

-I reckon he made that up.

-No, it was witnessed.

-He was on his way to watch his wife give birth.

There's a bit in his autobiography where he says,

"I remember when she was giving birth. I was being eaten by a lion."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now to get down to business

because we're going to play for the Dave.

Whilst converting the tribal chief, Sechele,

to Christianity, Livingstone urged the young man to make peace

with his uncle, who ruled half the tribe.

What did he suggest giving the uncle as a peace offering?

It's something he would have had in his supply case. Pretty dangerous.

-Gun.

-No.

-Dynamite.

-Gunpowder.

Gunpowder, absolutely. Gunpowder is what he gave.

It didn't work too well - the uncle, fearing the gunpowder

was cursed, tried to purge it of evil by setting fire to it.

LAUGHTER

Literally killed instantly.

Josh's team, you won it with gunpowder.

Well done, you get the Dave.

APPLAUSE

The next one is for both teams to play,

-so Josh, who would you like to pick?

-We're going to go cheesy Dave.

Well, you have main-lined into actor, singer, panto star

and walking self-parody David Hasselhoff.

Let's have a look at his stats.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

He brought down the Berlin Wall. Fair play to him.

- Yeah, that was good, but then...

Hang on. You are forgetting Knight Rider.

The car, Kitt.

-Whoo-whoo!

-LAUGHTER

That...that wasn't an owl, it wasn't...

I know it sounds like an owl, very good owl impression.

He always had an owl in the glove compartment.

-Are you a Hasselhoff fan, Jon?

-Yes.

- Why are you a Hasselhoff fan?

-I loved Baywatch.

-Oh, of course you did.

Whoo-whoo!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As a fan of ladies and health and safety...

LAUGHTER

..that programme, just, was about saving lives

and having a ruddy good time in the meantime.

LAUGHTER

David, unsurprisingly, split from his second wife in 2008.

What was unusual about the divorce settlement?

She kept the surname and he wasn't allowed to use it.

It's about names, actually...

-Did she keep his first name?

-No!

No, he was given custody of the nickname Hoff

and the catchphrase, "Don't hassle the Hoff."

Did she get to use it once every two weeks at weekends?

You could have said, "I've got a weekend Hoff."

GROANING LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We're going to enjoy David's first big-screen appearance now.

It's an Italian science-fiction film from 1978 entitled Starcrash.

Here's the film's leading lady, the legendary astro-pilot Stella Star.

Least practical spacesuit I've ever seen.

LAUGHTER

Not the way to grip a sword traditionally either, that.

LAUGHTER

Interesting there for Jon, that he liked the bikini,

but not the health and safety.

OK, here is the Hoff in all his glory.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

He's got a look of Margaret Thatcher about him.

LAUGHTER

Whoo-whoo!

So, time to play for the Dave.

Here's the question, we want you to watch.

It's a very tense scene, so, you know, beware.

From the end of Starcrash, featuring a clearly embarrassed

Christopher Plummer, who's playing the Emperor.

Here it is.

We must leave at once.

48 seconds left till the explosion, we've got to get out of here.

It's true, father.

The Count has mined the planet with nuclear charges.

We're all about to die.

You know something, my boy?

I wouldn't be Emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command.

So tell me, for the Dave, what happens next?

It's like Question Of Sport, this is brilliant, this!

Does a dog run onto the pitch?

LAUGHTER

Does Christopher Plummer look over the girl and go,

"Oh, my, I've just realised that your suit is see-through"?

-She's sort of boil-in-the-bag, isn't she?

-Yeah.

Did he go, "I've got a few tricks up my sleeve",

and then he did that thing with his... Look at my...

LAUGHTER

Whoa!

Difficult to pull off in metal gloves.

That's your Tinder bio, isn't it?

"Very difficult to pull off in metal gloves."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Does he fire a laser out of his butt?

It's Christopher Plummer!

It's not the worst thing he's done in this scene, to be fair!

Well, let's see who was closest.

'You know something, my boy?'

I wouldn't be Emperor if I didn't have some powers at my command.

Imperial Battleship...

..halt...the flow of time!

STUDIO LAUGHTER

In the space of three minutes,

every molecule on this planet will be immobilised,

but after the third minute, the green ray loses its power.

Time will flow once again...

and everything will explode.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It doesn't make any sense!

It does, he just bought them a further three minutes.

That's all his special power was,

basically a really rubbish pause button.

I think you came closest, I have to say, with laser,

-so I am going to award it...

-What?!

-..to Richard's team. You win the Dave.

-Unbelievable.

APPLAUSE

Time now to shove a quid in our Dave-centred fruit machine.

We'll bring up three of my favourite Daves.

Our teams must match the extraordinary fact

to the extraordinary Dave. So let's get spinning.

We have mahogany-faced antiques dealer David Dickinson,

Belgian waffler David Suchet,

and husky globetrotter Sir David Attenborough.

The question is, which of these Daves solved a Victorian crime?

I'm going to come to you first, Josh.

It could be David Dickinson

cos he does a lot of antiques things, doesn't he?

Someone will have brought him something Victorian

-and he'll have gone...

-Yeah.

-You reckon?

You know, how he does?

LAUGHTER

It's amazing how far you can get down the line of an impression

before you realise you've no idea what that person sounds like.

LAUGHTER

I find it hard to believe that David Dickinson would receive an item

and know that that had influenced a crime 100 years prior.

But what if there was, like, a false bottom and he took it out

and underneath there was, like, a note that said, "I did it!"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I would have gotten away with it if I hadn't written, "I did it!" on a piece of paper.

-We're going to go with David Dickinson.

-Right!

You're going to go David Dickinson.

What are you going to go for, Richard's team?

Shall we go for David Suchet?

Richard's team are going for David Suchet. Well, you're both...

so wrong.

It's David Attenborough.

Yeah.

Yes, he was having an extension built when he found a human skull in

his back garden and it turned out to belong to a Victorian murder victim.

Julia Martha Thomas had been killed following an argument with

her maid, who decapitated her, cut up the body, boiled it in a vat

and dumped it in the Thames.

The maid had kept hold of the head

as she was using the dead woman's false teeth.

Ew.

Just to prove that you could never judge someone's character

by looking at them, here's the murderer.

Guilty!

LAUGHTER

-So had this not been solved until David Attenborough stepped in?

-No.

He found the skull and then presumably through DNA...

-Did HE find the skull?

-Yeah...

I mean, is Attenborough digging out his own foundations?

This teeth thing doesn't make any sense at all.

You wouldn't keep a skull just cos of the teeth,

you'd take the teeth out, and also, we know Attenborough would not

dig his own foundations, so two very big bits of evidence here

pointing to the fact that David Attenborough killed somebody.

LAUGHTER

Attenborough's the one person who'd go to the police and say,

"Look, I've done it, I've DNA tested it myself, you don't need...

"You needn't bother with all that",

-and Attenborough's walking out...

-HE WHISTLES

- Yeah, he's as guilty as sin!

- Like Keyser Soze, suddenly he stops limping as he walks out.

And he just smiles and he's got an incredible set of women's teeth.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David Suchet has, of course, solved crimes as Poirot.

I assume that everyone here knows how he perfected his Poirot walk.

It was something he inserted between his buttocks.

A coin, like, how to hold a coin between his buttocks.

He did, so be careful if you ever go busking near John Suchet's house.

David Suchet, you big tit!

No, but he might be visiting his brother!

Halt the flow of time!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

John Inman - and I know for a fact - used the very same technique

-when perfecting his walk for Mr Humphries.

-Was it the same coin?

Yes, it's like a showbiz coin.

One showbiz coin that's, like, given around.

The stories that coin has to tell!

Sadly, no-one gets the Dave.

OK, we're going to spin again and we have...

Shakespearean specialist David Garrick,

Poirot specialist David Suchet

and Darth Vader specialist Dave Prowse.

Which actor said this?

There is no way that language came out of Garrick's mouth!

That's useful for us as well.

LAUGHTER

I watched a very upsetting episode of Canal Adventures

with Prunella Scales and Timothy West, where they went to

a sort of folly built to Garrick by the canal on the way out of London.

Sorry, am I in an old people's home?

LAUGHTER

A great thing about the programme is,

obviously they just have massive arguments that they don't resolve,

so they have to resolve the arguments in voice-over afterwards.

So they'll have a massive barney and then in voice-over,

Timothy West will go, "Sorry, Pru."

LAUGHTER

I'd love it if he just goes, "It turned out I was right all along."

LAUGHTER

I'd go with Prowse or Poirot. Which one are we going to go for?

Well, it's all about lack of work, isn't it? I guess it's...

I think it's the chap on the right.

-..the guy you think has had the least work.

-OK. David Prowse.

-You're going to go for David Prowse. OK, Richard's team, who do you think it is?

-I think Poirot.

-David Suchet, we'll go for, Sue.

-You're going to go for David Suchet.

And the correct answer is...

Dave Prowse. Well done.

APPLAUSE

The quote comes from Dave Prowse's autobiography.

Does anyone want to guess the title?

Inside The Helmet.

LAUGHTER

Tall, Darth And Handsome.

GROANING LAUGHTER

That's The Vader Cookie Crumbles.

GROANING LAUGHTER

Straight From The Force's Mouth.

GROANING

-Straight From The Force's Mouth.

-Excellent work.

Cracking read, I particularly like this quote on page 28 -

"Had lunch at the local Chinese restaurant with R2-D2's wife."

Presumably he then went back to hers for a bit of...

WHISTLES LIKE R2-D2

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations!

You get the Dave.

Right, everybody, we finish with our quickfire Finish The Fact.

I'll start by reading out a Dave-based gem,

you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.

First up, it is saucy novelist David Herbert Lawrence. There he is.

BELL

Did they get the order of the jam and the cream the wrong way round?

-Yeah!

-They absolutely hate that.

-That is true.

You and I are going to disagree on this, cos I go full Cornish.

-I go full Cornish as well. - Which is what?

-As a Devonian?

Yeah, I prefer to enjoy my food than have loyalty to where I'm from.

LAUGHTER

-Is it cream first, is it?

-I'd go cream on top.

Once you take a bite and it goes in your mouth,

you've got the same food in your mouth, haven't you?

Why does it matter?

Well, why don't you just blend up everything you eat then?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's see a little bit more.

BUZZER

That was doing the jam on top.

LAUGHTER

It gave away when the D-Day landings were going to be.

BUZZER

They were accused, they were sending messages with washing

on the line or something, they lived on the cliffs and they sent...

That is absolutely correct, yes. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you get the Dave.

Next up, debonair English thespian David Niven.

BUZZER

Is it arse coin?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love that that is now a thing that we've got a word for.

We'll reveal a little bit more.

BUZZER

Er, is it the deepest swimming pool in Europe after Richard Osman?

-Cos I imagine you've got quite a deep...

-Ohh!

Put you out your misery.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is amazing!

Instead of having a 15-foot deep end...

..15 metres deep!

He only realised the mistake when he attempted to touch the bottom

and his eardrums exploded!

What's worrying about the fact that it's in Europe,

it means someone in America has a 16-metre deep pool.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So we have come to the end of the show and I can tell you that

tonight's winners with the most Daves are...

Team Richard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, with that in mind, Richard, it behoves you to name

the world's all-time greatest and most magnificent Dave.

Who are you going to go for?

Well, I'd said we had a dilemma at the start of the show,

but since discovering that David Attenborough is a murderer...

LAUGHTER

..I think there's only one answer.

He's one of the greatest people of any name ever to live,

the wonderful David Bowie.

God rest his soul. Too right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Majestically done.

But, before we go,

just time to present a special prize to the winning team.

Richard, please accept your genuine bottle of Livingston's Rousers.

There... Oops! There you go.

And for the runners-up, you get...

David Suchet's special coin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight.

My massive thanks to all my guests, special thanks to all the Daves

here, there and everywhere, and thanks to you at home for watching.

Always keep your pennies tight. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE