Empty Orchestra Inside No. 9


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Empty Orchestra

Dark comedy. What better way to celebrate Roger's promotion than a karaoke session? An evening of hopes, dreams, intrigue, romance, betrayal and a lot of singing.


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This programme contains very strong language

0:00:020:00:08

MUFFLED MUSIC THROBS THROUGH WALLS

0:00:080:00:12

MUFFLED LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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SUIT LEGS RUB TOGETHER NOISILY

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MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners

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# Going to hum this tune forever! #

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MUSIC: Don't You Want Me by The Human League

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Testing...

0:00:390:00:40

Hello?

0:00:400:00:41

-MIC WORKING:

-Hello?

0:00:430:00:45

Hello? Hello?

0:00:450:00:48

Testing...

0:00:480:00:49

Testing...

0:00:490:00:51

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

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# When I met yo-ou

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# I picked you out and shook you up and turned you around

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# Turned you into someone new

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# Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet

0:01:070:01:11

-# Success has been so easy for you

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:01:110:01:14

# But don't forget it's me who... #

0:01:160:01:17

Shit! Nearly snapped my hair off!

0:01:170:01:20

# And I can put you back down, too

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-# Don't... Don't you want me? #

-Not dressed like that.

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# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

0:01:280:01:32

# Don't... #

0:01:320:01:33

Don't! # Don't you want me?

0:01:330:01:36

# You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

0:01:360:01:40

# Much too late to fi... #

0:01:400:01:42

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:01:420:01:44

Wooo! # Don't you want me, baby? #

0:01:480:01:52

Eh, it's nice, isn't it?

0:01:520:01:54

Well done, Greg!

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# Don't you want me, baby?

0:01:570:02:00

# Don't you want me Oh...oh...oh...

0:02:010:02:05

# I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

0:02:050:02:09

# That much is true... #

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Help me put this up, love.

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# But even then I knew I'd find a much better place

0:02:130:02:17

# Either with or without you

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# The five years we have had have been such good times

0:02:200:02:25

# I still love you

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# But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own

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# I guess it's just what I must do

0:02:330:02:36

-Greg?

-# Don't...don't you want me? #

0:02:360:02:40

Bloody hell!

0:02:400:02:41

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

0:02:410:02:46

# Don't, don't you want me?

0:02:460:02:49

# You know I don't believe it when you say that you don't need me

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# It's much too late to find, when you think you've changed your mind

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# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

0:02:580:03:02

# Don't you want me, baby? #

0:03:020:03:05

Hi, everybody!

0:03:050:03:07

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh-oh...

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# Don't you want me ba... #

0:03:110:03:13

FUZZY, TINNY BASS NOTES

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FUZZINESS FADES TO QUIET, MUFFLED BASS NOTES

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Woo! Have you not got a costume?

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CHEERING

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Is this yours, Rog?

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# Don't you want me, baby? # Woo!

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Hey, do you like it, Rog?

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Yes. I thought it'd be a bit bigger.

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That's what I keep saying to Greg!

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It's not the size of the boat, Fran, it's the motion of the ocean!

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CONNIE AND GREG: # Don't you want me, o-o-o-oh!

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# Don't you want me, baby? #

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Woo!

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# Don't you want me, o-o-o-oh! #

0:04:080:04:11

-Wooo!

-Yeah! Cheers, everyone!

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-There you go, Rog...

-Oh, cheers!

0:04:160:04:18

And Fran put that up for you.

0:04:180:04:20

"Cuntgrotalaions."

0:04:210:04:22

Eh?

0:04:220:04:24

Well, that's your bloody fault! It's meant to say Congratulations.

0:04:240:04:28

Yeah, I worked that out.

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Anyway, to Roger!

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Hope you remember us all now you're heading up to the sixth floor.

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-Oh, don't start!

-Yeah, to...

-to Roger!

0:04:340:04:38

-To Roger!

-Cheers.

-Hey!

0:04:380:04:40

-They're not planning any more lay-offs, are they, Rog?

-Greg, you know I can't divulge that.

0:04:400:04:44

Hey, no shop-talk, remember!

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Tonight is about fun!

0:04:450:04:47

-Yeah.

-So, who's next?

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Oh, will you put me down, Greg?

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Oh, thought you'd never ask(!)

0:04:500:04:51

For a song I mean, what's he like?

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Oh, don't get him to choose, you'll be waiting for ever.

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Yeah, I have chosen, Connie.

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Well, which one?

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Dee, dee, da, da, da!

0:04:590:05:00

-MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield

-Woo!

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It's not just going to be one song after another, is it?

0:05:020:05:05

You not drinking, Janet?

0:05:060:05:08

Duane's getting me one.

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Is he? Mind he don't slip you a roofie!

0:05:100:05:13

Come on, Jan!

0:05:160:05:17

# ..like you, baby

0:05:190:05:21

# I'll make you mine... #

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-On your feet, Roger!

-# You know I'll take you to the top... #

0:05:230:05:25

-Come on!

-I don't know it!

0:05:250:05:27

-You'll pick it up.

-# ..I'll drive you crazy

0:05:270:05:29

# Saturday night, yes, I like the way you move

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# Pretty baby

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# It's party time and not one minute we can lose

0:05:370:05:40

# Be my baby... #

0:05:410:05:43

I know you've been waiting on that Butler contract, Roger.

0:05:430:05:47

I'll have it to ya on your desk first thing Monday morning...

0:05:470:05:49

-What?

-# ..be my baby... #

0:05:490:05:51

-Ho!

-CHEERING

0:05:510:05:53

Where've you been?

0:05:530:05:55

Had to see a man about a dog, innit?

0:05:550:05:56

Cheese and rice, bruv, what have you come as, Blobby Williams?

0:05:560:06:00

They told me it was Gangnam Style.

0:06:000:06:02

OK, peeps - listen up.

0:06:020:06:04

It's party time,

0:06:040:06:06

so that means it's time for Duane's Famous Pills Roulette!

0:06:060:06:09

CHEERING

0:06:090:06:10

Inside, there's one ecstasy,

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one Viagra, one ketamine,

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one paracetamol, one laxative

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and an orange Tic-Tac.

0:06:180:06:20

Could I please have the paracetamol?

0:06:200:06:22

Look, I'm sorry, Mr C, it's pot-luck, I'm afraid.

0:06:220:06:25

That's the way to do it. Straight down the hatch.

0:06:300:06:33

Oh, I hope I don't get the ketamine again, it gave me really hard poos.

0:06:330:06:36

Are you sure it wasn't Viagra?

0:06:360:06:38

CONNIE CACKLES

0:06:380:06:40

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

0:06:400:06:42

WHIGFIELD: # Saturday

0:06:440:06:46

# Saturday night, Saturday

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# ..urday, Saturday

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# Saturday night, Saturday night

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# Saturday, Saturday

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Woo!

0:07:020:07:03

# Saturday night, Saturday night

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# Saturday

0:07:060:07:08

# Saturday

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# Saturday night, Saturday night

0:07:100:07:14

# Saturday, Saturday night... #

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Bit limited, these lyrics, aren't they?

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-# Saturday... #

-You all right, mate?

0:07:210:07:24

Yeah, yeah. I'm shitting myself I got the laxative.

0:07:240:07:26

Well, I'm ain't changing your nappy!

0:07:260:07:28

GREG BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:07:280:07:29

# Saturday, Saturday

0:07:290:07:32

# Saturday night... #

0:07:320:07:34

Right, we need more drinks!

0:07:340:07:36

# Saturday, Saturday... #

0:07:360:07:39

Jesus, he blows hot and cold.

0:07:390:07:41

And which way do you blow?

0:07:410:07:42

-Not yours!

-Ow!

0:07:420:07:44

# Saturday, Saturday night

0:07:450:07:49

# Saturday night

0:07:490:07:51

# Saturday, Saturday Saturday night... #

0:07:510:07:56

FRAN CONTINUES SINGING

0:07:560:07:59

TRACK ENDS

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Oh, thank God for that!

0:08:070:08:09

-BOTH:

-Wooo!

0:08:090:08:10

I smell like a meat pie. So, who's next, then? Connie?

0:08:100:08:13

No, not me, I'm tone deaf. No offence, Janet.

0:08:130:08:16

Sorry? Did you say something?

0:08:160:08:18

No.

0:08:180:08:20

Have you seen this?

0:08:240:08:26

She's all over him like clingfilm on a buffet.

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Oh, she's just letting her hair down.

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I know she's disabled and everything, but I can't stand her.

0:08:300:08:33

-Why?

-Well, she knows that everyone feels sorry for her and she uses it.

0:08:330:08:36

How do you think she got that PA job?

0:08:360:08:38

I was surprised it wasn't you, Connie.

0:08:380:08:40

No, I'm not saying THAT, but...it's interesting, innit?

0:08:400:08:44

I bet she's not being laid off any time soon.

0:08:440:08:46

Who's being laid off? What have you heard?

0:08:460:08:48

Oh, nothing! This is a private conversation.

0:08:480:08:51

-We're just having a bit of craic.

-Yeah.

0:08:510:08:53

Don't go poking your nose into other people's craics, Greg.

0:08:530:08:56

MUSIC: Wham Rap!

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OK, peeps, let's do this.

0:08:570:08:59

Let's learn how to rap like a white man.

0:08:590:09:01

CHEERING

0:09:010:09:02

Wooo!

0:09:020:09:04

# You got soul on the dole

0:09:040:09:06

QUIET, MUFFLED BEATS

0:09:060:09:08

BEATS RESONATE MORE STRONGLY

0:09:140:09:17

# Hey everybody, take a look at me

0:09:200:09:22

-# I've got street credibility... #

-Uh-uh, no, you haven't!

0:09:220:09:24

# I may not have a job but...

0:09:240:09:26

BEATS THUD

0:09:260:09:28

# I said a DHSS

0:09:280:09:30

# And the rhythm that they're giving is the very best... #

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Hey!

0:09:340:09:35

SINGING CONTINUES

0:09:350:09:37

# You're more dead than alive in a 9-5

0:09:480:09:51

# Then they say you've got to go, and "Get yourself a job!"

0:09:510:09:54

# Or get out of this house!

0:09:540:09:55

# Get yourself a job # Are you a man or a mouse?

0:09:550:09:57

# A finger in each ear you pretend not to hear

0:09:570:09:59

# You gotta get some space Get outta this place

0:09:590:10:01

# Wham bam, I am a man

0:10:010:10:05

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not... #

0:10:050:10:09

Hey, that's Duane's phone! What you doing?

0:10:090:10:12

# Don't stand there and rot

0:10:150:10:18

# In the streets, in the cars In the underground

0:10:180:10:20

# If you listen real hard you can hear the sound

0:10:200:10:22

# A million people switching off for work

0:10:220:10:24

# Well, listen, Mr Average You're a jerk

0:10:240:10:26

-# Not me!

-You can't hold me down

0:10:260:10:29

-# Not me!

-I'm going to fool around

0:10:290:10:31

# Going to have some fun look out for number one

0:10:310:10:33

# You can dig your grave I'm staying young

0:10:330:10:35

# Wham bam, I am a man... #

0:10:350:10:36

Let me get that for you!

0:10:360:10:38

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

0:10:390:10:42

-# Do you enjoy what you do? #

-Hey, shots! Thanks, Rog!

0:10:430:10:46

# If not, then stop

0:10:470:10:49

# Don't stand there... #

0:10:490:10:51

Yeah, go on, Greg!

0:10:530:10:54

Er... # If you're a pub man or a club man

0:10:540:10:57

# Maybe a jet black guy with white cool cat... #

0:10:570:11:00

Oh, I can't do it, it's too fast!

0:11:000:11:01

It's not a competition!

0:11:010:11:03

# Make the most of every day

0:11:030:11:05

# Don't let hard times stand in your way

0:11:050:11:07

# Give a wham, give a damn

0:11:070:11:09

# But don't give a damn cos the benefit gang are going to pay

0:11:090:11:12

# Now, reach up high and touch your soul

0:11:120:11:15

# The boys from Wham will help you reach that goal

0:11:150:11:18

-# It's going to break your momma's heart

-So sad!

0:11:180:11:21

-# It's going to break your daddy's heart!

-Too bad!

0:11:210:11:23

# But you'll throw the dice and take my advice

0:11:230:11:25

# Cos I know that you're smart

0:11:250:11:27

-# Can you dig this thing?

-Yeah!

0:11:270:11:29

-# Are you going to get down?

-Yeah!

0:11:290:11:31

-# Say Wham

-Wham!

0:11:310:11:33

-# Say bam...

-Bam!

0:11:330:11:36

# Wham bam, I am a man

0:11:360:11:39

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

0:11:390:11:43

# Do you enjoy what you do?

0:11:430:11:48

# If not, just stop

0:11:480:11:49

# Don't stand there and

0:11:490:11:52

# Wham bam - I am a man

0:11:520:11:55

# Job or no job you can't tell me that I'm not

0:11:550:12:00

# Do you enjoy what you do?

0:12:000:12:03

# If not, just stop

0:12:030:12:06

# Don't stand there and rot! #

0:12:060:12:09

-Woo!

-Thank you!

0:12:090:12:12

Thank you!

0:12:120:12:13

Right, who's next?

0:12:130:12:14

Me!

0:12:160:12:17

It's my party and I want some rock!

0:12:170:12:20

I'll... I'll get some more beer.

0:12:230:12:26

-Let me help you with that, Rog...

-No... No, no, no.

0:12:260:12:27

-Do you want me to show you how it works or something?

-No, I know what I'm doing.

0:12:270:12:31

I just want to pick something that I can really go for.

0:12:310:12:33

What are you doing?!

0:12:360:12:38

It's my eczema. It flares up when I'm stressed.

0:12:380:12:41

Oh, great, so I'm shagging the Singing Detective(!)

0:12:410:12:44

So, have you made your choice?

0:12:440:12:45

No - can't decide between The Birdie Song and Wind Beneath My Wings.

0:12:450:12:48

You know what I mean! Between me and Fran!

0:12:480:12:51

Connie, I can't get into that now.

0:12:510:12:53

The future's precarious enough!

0:12:530:12:55

What do you mean?

0:12:550:12:56

GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

0:12:560:12:57

What's got into him?

0:12:590:13:01

Dunno, maybe he got the E.

0:13:010:13:03

He has to sack one of us.

0:13:030:13:05

What?! How do you know?

0:13:050:13:07

I just do!

0:13:070:13:09

Do you know who it is?

0:13:090:13:10

No...

0:13:100:13:12

but I think we can find out.

0:13:120:13:14

# I get the same old dreams same time every night

0:13:150:13:19

# Fall to the ground and I wake up

0:13:190:13:22

# So I get out of bed, put on my shoes, but in my head

0:13:220:13:26

# Thoughts fly back to the break-up

0:13:260:13:30

# These four walls are closing in

0:13:310:13:33

# Look at the fix you've put me in

0:13:350:13:37

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

0:13:390:13:42

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

0:13:420:13:45

# Could I be wrong? But since you've been gone

0:13:470:13:50

# You cast the spell so break it

0:13:500:13:54

# Whoa

0:13:540:13:56

# Whoa-oa

0:13:560:13:58

# Whoa

0:13:580:14:00

# So in the night I stand beneath the back street light

0:14:020:14:06

# I read the words that you sent to me

0:14:060:14:09

# I can take the afternoon, the night-time comes around too soon

0:14:100:14:14

# You can't know what you mean to me

0:14:140:14:17

# Your poisoned letter Your telegram

0:14:180:14:21

# Just goes to show you don't give a damn!

0:14:220:14:26

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

0:14:260:14:30

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

0:14:300:14:33

# Could I be wrong But since you've been gone

0:14:340:14:38

# You cast the spell, so break it... #

0:14:380:14:40

All right?

0:14:400:14:42

Tripod alert.

0:14:420:14:44

# Whoa-oh-oh... #

0:14:440:14:46

Well, at least we know who had the Viagra.

0:14:460:14:47

-There was no Viagra. They're all just Tic-Tacs!

-What?

0:14:470:14:50

Oh, what... What, cos I'm black, I must be a drug dealer?

0:14:500:14:53

But I thought I was starting to feel a buzz.

0:14:530:14:55

Yeah, a sugar rush!

0:14:550:14:56

# If you will come back, baby you know you'll never do wrong

0:15:000:15:07

# Since you've been gone Since you've been gone

0:15:120:15:15

# I'm outta my head Can't take it

0:15:150:15:18

# Could I be wrong, but since you've been gone... #

0:15:200:15:23

What is it?

0:15:230:15:25

Oh, had a good look, have you?

0:15:250:15:27

Sorry, Rog, it was on the floor.

0:15:270:15:29

Fuck it, I don't care.

0:15:290:15:31

It's my divorce papers.

0:15:310:15:32

Mary's leaving me, everyone.

0:15:340:15:36

I thought I was a happily married man till four o'clock on Friday.

0:15:360:15:39

Turns out I'm not.

0:15:390:15:41

Oh, Roger, I'm so sorry.

0:15:410:15:43

We had tickets for Whitesnake in June.

0:15:430:15:46

Royal Albert Hall.

0:15:460:15:48

Private box...

0:15:480:15:50

Ah...

0:15:500:15:52

Oh...

0:15:520:15:54

Steady on, Rog, you're, er, stabbing me a little bit.

0:15:540:15:57

What's happened?

0:15:570:15:58

Don't make him repeat it, for God's sake!

0:15:580:16:01

You can SEE he's upset!

0:16:010:16:03

Have some sensitivity for once in your life!

0:16:030:16:05

Come on, Roger.

0:16:050:16:07

So we still don't know who he's going to sack.

0:16:080:16:11

No, it's just divorce papers.

0:16:110:16:13

Someone put another song on!

0:16:130:16:15

Look, we've paid for the hour. Let's not all get bummed out!

0:16:170:16:20

It's all right, it's not that bad, Roger. Yeah?

0:16:200:16:23

Yeah, you've got... You've got that promotion coming up.

0:16:230:16:26

It's a fresh start. New horizons.

0:16:260:16:28

Yeah?

0:16:280:16:30

I suppose so.

0:16:300:16:31

Yeah, that's the spirit.

0:16:310:16:33

And, look at it this way...

0:16:330:16:34

You ain't signed them papers yet.

0:16:340:16:36

Yeah? So you've still got time to talk her round. Yeah?

0:16:360:16:39

Thanks, Duane.

0:16:390:16:41

That's it.

0:16:460:16:47

# Nothing is so good it lasts eternally... #

0:16:470:16:52

Well done, Fran(!)

0:16:520:16:54

# Perfect situations must go wrong

0:16:540:16:58

# But this has never yet prevented me

0:17:010:17:06

# From wanting far too much for far too long

0:17:070:17:13

# Looking back I could have played it differently

0:17:150:17:20

# Won a few more moments, who can tell?

0:17:220:17:26

# But it took time to understand the man

0:17:290:17:34

# Now, at least I know I know him well

0:17:350:17:40

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh, so good

0:17:410:17:44

-# Wasn't he fine?

-Oh, so fine

0:17:440:17:48

# Isn't it madness

0:17:480:17:50

TOGETHER: # He can't be mine

0:17:500:17:54

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

0:17:560:18:01

# More security...

0:18:010:18:04

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

0:18:040:18:08

# I know him so well

0:18:080:18:11

# No-one in your life is with you constantly

0:18:170:18:22

# No-one is completely on your side

0:18:240:18:29

# And though I'd move my world to be with him

0:18:310:18:36

# Still the gap between us is too wide...

0:18:380:18:42

# Looking back I could have played it differently

0:18:450:18:50

# Learned about the man before I fell

0:18:520:18:56

# But I was ever so much younger then

0:18:590:19:04

# Now, at least I know I know him well

0:19:060:19:10

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh, so good!

0:19:110:19:15

# Wasn't he fine?

0:19:150:19:17

# Oh, so fine!

0:19:170:19:19

TOGETHER: # Isn't it madness, he won't be mine!

0:19:190:19:24

# Didn't I know

0:19:250:19:28

# How it would go

0:19:280:19:30

# If I knew from the start

0:19:300:19:36

# Why am I falling apart?

0:19:360:19:40

# Wasn't it good?

0:19:400:19:43

# Wasn't he fine?

0:19:430:19:45

# Isn't it madness he won't be mine?

0:19:450:19:51

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

0:19:530:19:59

# More security

0:19:590:20:02

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

0:20:020:20:06

# I know him so well

0:20:060:20:10

TOGETHER: # It took time to understand him

0:20:100:20:16

# I know him so well! #

0:20:180:20:25

Fran... Sorry, Fran, can I have a word?

0:20:300:20:34

All right, now please, don't overreact.

0:20:410:20:43

He's not going to tell her now, is he?

0:20:430:20:45

I dunno. He's pissed enough.

0:20:450:20:48

Ah, poor Fran.

0:20:490:20:50

Still, at least we won't have her beady eyes on us at work every day.

0:20:500:20:54

Oh, God, I'm so relieved. I thought it was going to be me.

0:20:540:20:57

Maybe you should give her her notice as well?

0:20:570:20:59

Give her a fresh start. That's what she deserves.

0:20:590:21:03

Yeah, I think you're right.

0:21:030:21:05

Can I help you, Janet?

0:21:080:21:09

Are you OK?

0:21:110:21:12

Yeah, it's just...so out the blue.

0:21:120:21:15

Yeah, I know, I apologise for that,

0:21:150:21:17

but circumstances got out of my control.

0:21:170:21:19

And I can't change your mind?

0:21:210:21:22

I'm afraid not. But you know, you've got Greg.

0:21:220:21:25

He'll help you through it.

0:21:250:21:27

I'm sorry.

0:21:290:21:30

I'd like to sing a song.

0:21:310:21:33

This is a request for someone very special.

0:21:330:21:36

They know who they are.

0:21:360:21:38

And in answer to your question, yes, I do. Very much.

0:21:380:21:42

# Looking from a window above, it's like a story of love.

0:21:450:21:49

# Can you hear me? #

0:21:510:21:54

No!

0:21:540:21:55

# Came back only yesterday, I'm moving farther away

0:21:550:21:59

# Want you near me

0:22:000:22:03

# All I needed was the love you gave

0:22:040:22:07

# All I needed for another day

0:22:090:22:11

# And all I ever knew

0:22:120:22:16

# Only you

0:22:160:22:17

# Sometimes when I think of her name

0:22:210:22:24

# When it's only a game

0:22:240:22:26

# And I need you

0:22:270:22:30

# Listen to the words that you say

0:22:300:22:33

# It's getting harder to stay

0:22:330:22:36

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

0:22:360:22:38

# ..love you gave

0:22:420:22:44

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

0:22:440:22:45

# ..needed for another day

0:22:450:22:47

MUFFLED

0:22:470:22:48

# ..I ever knew... #

0:22:490:22:51

BACKING TRACK STOPS

0:22:530:22:55

Duane, what?

0:22:550:22:56

I didn't send you that text. Connie did.

0:22:560:23:00

Yeah, as a joke!

0:23:010:23:03

I don't understand.

0:23:050:23:06

Look, that was a shitty thing to do.

0:23:100:23:12

Yeah, all right, Duane, don't make it any worse.

0:23:120:23:14

How could it be worse?

0:23:140:23:16

Look, Janet, I really like you, we have a laugh, but not in that way...

0:23:160:23:21

It's fine... I don't...

0:23:210:23:22

I just thought you'd make a lovely couple, that's all.

0:23:220:23:25

- Oh, fuck off! - All right.

0:23:250:23:27

All right, can I just have a word before things get too heated?

0:23:270:23:30

Are you all right, Janet?

0:23:300:23:31

That wasn't nice, Connie.

0:23:330:23:35

Now then, there's been a lot of rumours flying around

0:23:350:23:39

the office about voluntary redundancies and...it's true.

0:23:390:23:42

I was charged with the unhappy task of letting one of you

0:23:440:23:47

good people go.

0:23:470:23:48

I want you to know I fought tooth and nail with management over it,

0:23:480:23:52

until they promoted me.

0:23:520:23:53

Now I AM management, so...I've no choice.

0:23:530:23:56

Somebody has to go, to balance the books.

0:23:570:24:00

And the person I've decided is going to leave the company...

0:24:020:24:05

..is me.

0:24:100:24:11

With Mary gone, I'm going to start over.

0:24:130:24:16

I've a brother in Florida I don't see much of,

0:24:160:24:18

so I'm going to head out there.

0:24:180:24:20

But that means I'm going to need a replacement.

0:24:200:24:22

And the person I've decided to recommend to the board...

0:24:220:24:26

is Fran.

0:24:260:24:27

I can't think of anybody better to take the team forward.

0:24:280:24:31

I know you and Greg are hoping to tie the knot,

0:24:310:24:33

so hopefully this will help send you on your way.

0:24:330:24:36

Thanks, Roger.

0:24:360:24:37

Congratulations, babe. Incredible!

0:24:390:24:42

Can we start looking for a bigger flat now, please?!

0:24:420:24:45

Yeah, definitely!

0:24:450:24:46

Well done, Fran.

0:24:460:24:48

Thanks.

0:24:480:24:50

Yeah, "cuntgotalions".

0:24:500:24:52

LAUGHTER

0:24:520:24:53

Er, we've booked this room. Sorry.

0:24:540:24:56

I don't think so, darling, we've got this till half past.

0:24:560:24:59

Well, it's nearly half past now, isn't it?

0:24:590:25:01

So we don't mind you joining in, do we, girls?

0:25:010:25:03

No, I...I'm not quite sure there's enough room for...

0:25:030:25:06

So you're buying a bigger flat, are you?

0:25:080:25:10

What? No, of course not!

0:25:100:25:12

I had to say that, didn't I, otherwise it'd be suspicious.

0:25:120:25:16

Just wait until the dust settles and then I'll tell her tomorrow.

0:25:160:25:20

I promise.

0:25:200:25:21

I am never letting you go.

0:25:260:25:28

# But I can't hear a word you say

0:25:290:25:32

# I'm talking loud, not saying much... #

0:25:340:25:37

-Hey, you're in there, Rog!

-No, she's half my age.

0:25:370:25:40

So? Women like a silver fox. Go for it!

0:25:400:25:45

Maybe I will. I wonder if she's into Whitesnake.

0:25:450:25:48

I'm going to ask her.

0:25:480:25:50

No Fran, no!

0:25:500:25:52

# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose Fire away, fire away... #

0:25:570:26:04

Are you still here, Janet? I thought you'd have slunk off by now.

0:26:040:26:07

Why don't you sing us another song? You've got such a nice voice.

0:26:070:26:10

What's that?

0:26:120:26:13

Why don't you ask Greg?

0:26:130:26:15

Oh, don't worry, I will.

0:26:150:26:17

And, by the way, I've had a little chat to Fran.

0:26:170:26:19

And her new PA job, guess what? She wants someone with skills.

0:26:190:26:26

Someone who can hear!

0:26:270:26:28

I've got skills, Connie.

0:26:290:26:31

SHE CHUCKLES

0:26:310:26:33

I can lip read.

0:26:340:26:36

# Cut me down, but it's you who have further to fall... #

0:26:420:26:46

What's going on?

0:26:460:26:47

# Ghost town and haunted love

0:26:500:26:54

# Raise your voice

0:26:580:27:00

# Sticks and stones may break my bones

0:27:000:27:04

-# Talking loud, not saying much... #

-All right, babe?

0:27:040:27:08

You're fired! Both of you!

0:27:100:27:12

# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose Fire away, fire away

0:27:130:27:20

# Ricochet, you take your aim Fire away, fire away

0:27:200:27:27

# You shoot me down, but I won't fall

0:27:270:27:32

# I am titanium!

0:27:320:27:35

# You shoot me down, but I won't fall

0:27:350:27:40

# I am titanium!

0:27:400:27:45

# I am titanium!

0:27:480:27:52

# I am titanium!

0:27:560:27:57

# Stone heart, machinegun

0:27:590:28:02

MUFFLED MUSIC THUDS

0:28:020:28:04

MUSIC FADES

0:28:040:28:07

THUDDING HEARTBEAT

0:28:210:28:25

# ..I won't fall

0:28:380:28:41

# I am titanium... #

0:28:410:28:44

# Cut me down

0:29:000:29:02

# But it's you who'll have

0:29:020:29:04

# Further to fall

0:29:040:29:06

# Ghost town and haunted love

0:29:060:29:10

# Raise your voice

0:29:150:29:17

# Sticks and stones may break my bones... #

0:29:170:29:21

The third season of Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's award-winning anthology of comedy dramas.

What better way to celebrate Roger's promotion than a full-on, old-school karaoke session? An evening of hopes, dreams, intrigue, romance, betrayal and an awful lot of singing.