Episode 2 Jonah from Tonga

Come closer! I won't do anything! I promise.

'I moved back from Tonga because I was too naughty.'

This programme contains adult humour and very strong language.

Jonah is like a fucking idiot.

-See you, Tonga!

-He said, "Get fucked."

'Now I am in Year 9 at Holy Cross Catholic High School.'

-You just called me a ranga man.

-Well, you are one.

Get out, rangas, you fuck...

'I am in a crew called Fobba-liscious,

'which means we are good-looking and we are fobs.'

-Could you straighten my rat's tail?

-Your work is incomplete, Jonah.

Your dick's incomplete!

'All us boys are in Lazarus House.'

You're too fucking slow, mate.

'It is for behavioural kids that need extra attention.'

Sir, my shit wouldn't fit in this pipe.

'Our teacher, Mr Joseph, is a legend!'

Shut the fuck up!

I am the adult here, and I will fucking swear, if I choose to swear.

Go marry my dick, sir.

'I used to be really naughty and always getting in trouble.'

-You guys like cameras?

-Can we keep this?

'But now I'm good

'and with my Takalua tattoo and my mum watching over me from heaven,

'I'm going to be good at school,

'get into uni be rich and successful.'

-Go to bed, shit for brains.

-Go to bed, fat for brains!

We find that the involvement of the older students really enriches

the learning experience for the Year 7s and boosts their confidence.

Jonah, you'll be working with your actual little brother,

so that's wonderful. So again, thank you all for coming

and I look forward to reading buddies this afternoon. Thank you.

-You're going to teach your little brother everything?

-Yes.

-And not fuck around? Not be a little shithead for once?

-Maybe.

-What period's afterwards?

-I don't know.

Miss, what period's afterwards?

First period after lunch, I've already told Mr Joseph.

Well, fuck that, I will miss design.

-Watch your language in here, thank you.

-Sorry, miss. Love you, miss.

-Are you going to be good?

-I'm always good.

-You're always a fuckwit.

-I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-You are. You can marry my dick.

-You want me to smack you, arsehole?

-No.

-You want to be cheeky?

-No.

-Jonah, look at me.

-You've got to teach your brother what to do.

-I will.

-Not what you want to do.

-I will. Sorry.

-You had better be.

-Sorry!

-I'm going to be good.

-You'd better be good.

-Go to work.

-Or I'm going to smack you.

-Go away.

-Don't talk to me like that.

-Don't talk to my dick like that.

-Don't talk to me like that. Little shit.

-Little homo.

-I say what?

-Nothing.

-I said what?

-I just said...

-Are you trying to be a smartarse?

-Going to be a smartarse?

-I said, go home now.

-Is that what you're going to teach him?

-I said...

-Stop that.

Don't you touch me.

You thought I said "little homo", I said, "Go home now."

-I was telling you to go home. Relax.

-Don't make me come back.

-Chill out.

-Don't make me come back.

-Chill, Dad.

-Stupid little shit.

Love you, Aunty.

-Love you, Aunty.

-Be a good boy, Jonah. Love you, Moses.

-Bye, Aunty.

-So many rangas in your year.

-Yeah, I know. There are heaps.

-I want to get rid of them all.

-Same.

-Graydon's little brother looks like a homo.

-He is one.

Why do you think his mum hasn't got red hair?

I don't know.

Maybe she was drinking too much Fanta when they were in her stomach.

So we'll be filming you right now, sir.

-Come here. Why are you so late?

-I had to do a shit, sir.

-Jonah, that's sick!

-Come on, get over here now.

'Well, they are teenage boys.

'The decision-making part of their brain hasn't fully developed,

'so it's why they do such fucked-up things sometimes.'

What I've been made aware of just now could probably only be

described as the work of morons.

THEY LAUGH

That's us!

Well, since Jonah came along, he's 100%

led some of these boys astray.

They're doing some pretty stupid things since he came along.

We've got Fobba-liscious bully video 1.

Fobba-liscious bully video 2.

-See number 2, that's way better than number 1.

-Number 2, sir.

-Number 2! That's a mean one.

-There's more.

"Jonah makes Year 7 homo eat dog shit."

THEY LAUGH

I didn't make him eat it, sir, I just made him taste it.

And you are filming all this with this fucking thing on your head?

-Yes, sir. We call it our bully cam.

-Bully cam. There's more, sir.

I don't want to know about any more.

I'm still trying to get my head around this fucking shit.

You should watch this one. Scroll down to it, sir.

-That one there. If you've got to watch one, you watch that one.

-Yes.

We get to spin him around and then he runs, and then he spews after. Yeah.

-Yes. Fobba-liscious bully video with spew.

-Get out!

I just had a kid's dad on the phone, and he wants some action!

Now, he gets the cops involved, we're all fucked.

'My situation is that the principal of Holy Cross

'isn't exactly a fan of mine.'

The truth is, he wants Laz House shut down

and this lot integrated back into the mainstream classes.

We all know that's going to end badly.

So when they go doing shit like this, you can see my dilemma.

We are trying to be YouTube sensations, sir.

-You can get money out of this.

-We want to be popular, sir.

Tell the kid's dad that his kid might get famous from that.

-Get a lot of money.

-I will fucking punch you, mate.

I will fucking whack you, you know I will. Just stop bullying young kids.

The kid that we did the dog shit to, he was picking on Moses.

The whole lot of you will end up in fucking juvie, believe it,

I've seen it all before.

You can't go to juvie for being bullies.

-You are a legal expert, are you?

-You've got to break the law.

-You've got to stab someone.

-You can't even spell fucking "legal".

-He can.

-Spell "legal"!

-Fuck off.

-Right. I want you to do me a favour.

-We don't want to do anything.

-I haven't said anything yet.

-Just shut the fuck up...

-All your favours are gay.

-Right.

Right, there's a new youth worker at school. He's a fob.

He is a bit of a poofter, but he's into singing and dancing

and shit and I figure you lot would like him.

-Your mum's going to like him. And your dad.

-Sounds gay, sir.

-Here's...

He is OK, I spoke to him. He's not too bad.

-Anyway...

-Why don't you marry him, then?

-Yes.

-Will you shut the fuck up!

-I don't want to do...

-Just let me finish.

-Let the poofter...

-I've told him about you.

Anyway, he reckons, with a bit of counselling, he can

probably sort you lot out. I fucking doubt that.

-We don't want to do it, sir. Sounds gay.

-Give me something,

anything, that I can give this kid's dad.

MUSIC PLAYS

Attitude. Shake.

Nice.

Good stuff.

Not doing it. It's gay.

Boys in the house!

Shut up! Shut up!

-Not doing that shit, sir. No way.

-All that hip-shaking.

What the hell is it?

THEY GIGGLE

-What have you got down your pants?

-I've got a stiffie over you, sir.

-Get it out.

-He wants me to get it out! I'm too young for you, sir.

Hey, boys. Come join in, see if you can pick it up.

Grab a spot at the back.

-We're not going to.

-Join in.

-No way, he is a fuck bandit.

-Not going to happen, sir.

-Not going to do it. You do it.

Are you such pussies that you do everything Jonah says?

-That's not the dancing we do. That's homo dancing.

-Listen to me, right?

I didn't walk all the fucking way down here

with rheumatoid arthritis in my left knee

to watch you faggots standing round.

This bloke is new at the school, so show him some fucking respect.

And get the fuck in there and do some...

-Fuck off, sir.

-Get the fuck in there. Get the fuck in there. Do it.

You've got to do it, boys. We're doing it, sir.

-We're doing it, sir. For you.

-Got to do it, boys.

Fuck me.

Touch your head!

-I touch your face.

-Six, seven...and...

Relax. Good stuff, guys.

Awesome work.

Hey, listen - the Feel The Beat dance and talent competition

is open to small groups of three to ten.

And I see some great potential here, guys. My name is Kool Kris.

I am a youth worker and I'm taking over pastoral care.

I just got here at Holy Cross.

Obviously, I am a pretty kick-arse hip-hop dancer.

So come and see me and get involved and make a difference in your lives.

All right, guys. Kool Kris signing out. Peace.

-APPLAUSE Kool Kris!

-Kool Kris.

-Hey, Mr Homie.

-That's not my name.

-My Heavy.

-That's not my name. My name is Mr Fonua.

-People call me Kool Kris. KK.

-Yeah, you a full Catholic?

-Yeah, yeah. I am a devoted Catholic.

-Holy shit!

So no sex for you, sir?

No, I will wait for that connection till I marry.

-What about dickie?

-Dickie, dickie, dickie.

Listen, guys. We can talk about the Bible and the Catholic Church any time you want.

Do you give it a tug every now and then, sir? Yeah, you do.

You are breaking the rules of the Bible.

Ah, so you're the tough guy, eh, Jonah? Leader of the gang.

-Mr Joseph told me about you.

-I am the leader of the gang!

-Jonah.

It's not a gang, anyway, sir. It's just a crew. Fobba-liscious.

OK, cool. Fobba-liscious. Well, look.

I want to offer you something that you might find tough to say yes to.

I want you guys to come see me, have a chat as a group.

-OK? Just air some issues that you might have with the school. Just you guys, me...

-I'm not doing that.

-Well, maybe we can just build a relationship.

-A relationship!

-We don't want babies! We don't want a relationship!

-Not that kind of relationship.

-More like a friendship.

-That's even more gay!

-We're not interested, sir. We don't need to talk to you.

Have a think. Get back to me.

-We don't want to talk to you about anything, sir.

-All right.

You don't need to call me "sir". Just call me Kool Kris.

-Why do they call you Kool Kris? You are not that cool.

-Yes!

-You are not that cool.

-I'm not going to give up on you.

I'll see you guys for the Legit Crew dance demo at recess. I organised it.

I look forward to not going to that.

-See you, guys.

-Yes, sir.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Mary! Mary! Buddy!

-Buddy?

-What?

You know you're standing next to someone with Fanta pubes?

You're funny.

-Jonah, Melody is looking over.

-Because she wants to suck my dick!

Melody! Melody!

Melody, here!

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-Going bowling on Saturday?

-Maybe.

-Jonah, she's your cousin.

-I don't even care. She's hot.

-That is disgusting.

I have seen her in the buff, when we were little.

-Seriously?

-She my saw dick.

-How small was it?

-Holy Cross!

CHEERING

-How's it going?

-CHEERING

Any guys out there fancy themselves a dancer, any of you guys a B-boy?

-He's calling you, go on!

-Anyone into that?

-Please, don't.

Jonah Takalua, he reckons he's best in the school, eh?

-For the boys.

-For the boys.

Young man, show us some moves.

MUSIC STARTS

You suck! Hit me.

Get Fanta boy after. We'll get him after.

-I can't believe I'm related to you.

-You seriously think you're good?

Fucking embarrassing, man. You're so bad. You can't dance for shit.

-That is not my brother.

-Shut the fuck up.

-You shut up.

Fuck you!

-I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

-Come over here.

Yeah, I'll fucking smash you!

Check yourselves, boys, yeah.

-Fuck you!

-Fucking with his knees, and stuff.

LAUGHTER

Such a dickhead.

-Going to fucking smash you.

-Try me.

MUSIC ENDS

CHEERING

-Fucking homos. I hate fucking rangas.

-We will get them back. Don't worry.

-Graydon's a fucking...

-You did well, Jonah. You were the best.

I don't fucking care. I'm going to get that cunt back.

Yeah, you've got to get him back, Jonah.

He's going to pay for bagging me. Get out, you fucking homo.

You are not allowed in here!

Listen, guys, I just wanted to say, incredible dancing out there.

Don't worry about the haters, I thought you did really well, guys.

-What's wrong with you, sir? Are you gay or what?

-No, no.

-I just wanted to...

-Get out. What the fuck, sir? I'm reporting you.

You're going to get sacked for coming in here.

OK, I know you're angry, and I heard what that Year 12 guy said,

totally uncalled for.

but my advice is, don't retaliate. Be the bigger man.

Kris, get the fuck out of here. I don't care what you have to say.

-Go fucking pray, or some shit.

-All right.

-Stop being a fucking gaylord.

-All right, OK.

-Stop perving on us.

-Stupid faggot.

-He's a f-ing homo.

-I fucking hate that guy.

-He was trying to check my dick out.

-How are we going to get Graydon back?

I don't know. Got to do something.

We could do peep on.

-I've got water balloons in my locker.

-Yes, that would be good.

-I could dag him in front of everyone?

-No, I don't want to see his ranga butt.

We've got to think of something good, boys.

Something that's really going to piss him off.

-I want to do this.

-Can't touch it. What is it?

-Don't know.

Shit.

It's working, boys.

-It is full-on like on fire.

-It's melting.

-Miss Hunt, Miss Hunt!

-Fuck, fuck.

-What are you boys up to?

-Nothing.

-Metalwork.

-Yeah.

-And Mr Joseph knows about this?

-Yeah.

-Sure does, miss.

-Give me a hug, miss.

-OK.

-I love you, miss.

-OK. Thanks, Jonah.

All right. I'll see you boys last period.

Look forward to seeing you this afternoon, miss.

-I like your skirt, miss. Very slimming on you.

-I love you, miss.

THEY WHISPER

Keep going, keep going.

She thinks we're up to something.

-Look who it is.

-He's coming, he's coming!

THEY GIGGLE

-He's coming!

-Let's get him.

What happened?

-I'm going straight to the principal with this shit, mate. You're fucked.

-Didn't do anything.

Yeah, maybe it was really hot today and it melted.

-You're fucked.

-Maybe it was your ranga head that melted it.

Let him go! Let him go, you fucking ranga! Get off him.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

He didn't fucking do it!

Sucked in!

You fucking sickos!

-Your ranga butt!

-You're going down for this shit, mate.

You're fucked.

Sir, they've damaged school property, and it's physical abuse.

I'm a school captain and a Year 12,

so I think I should be treated with a bit more respect, yeah?

Stop waving your stupid school captain badge in front of my face.

I'm not interested. It's meaningless.

Now, from all reports,

-you're the one that bullied the shit out of Jonah at this school dance thing.

-He did, sir.

If that's the case, you're no better than these fucking idiots!

I made a simple comment about how he failed at dancing, OK.

-I'm not a bully.

-You obviously hurt his feelings, mate.

I've told you before, don't mess with these ADD kids.

-Don't fuck with us.

-Now, are you sure that it was Jonah that welded your locker shut?

-Because you say you didn't, right?

-No, I didn't do it, sir.

-He didn't.

-I don't know who did, wasn't me.

-He's lying to your face.

-It's got his pussycat tag right in the front of it.

-Bullshit. Shut up, ranga.

We saw your Fanta pubes anyway, so suck them.

-LAUGHTER

-Sir, can you tell them to stop saying that? It's offending me.

Jonah, shut the fuck up. You obviously did do it.

Listen, seriously, you should know better than to provoke

the shit out of a semi-retarded kid like Jonah. Have a look at him.

-He is clearly a fuckwit.

-Yeah, he'll smash you.

-I am clearly a fuckwit. Don't fuck with me.

-My ADD pills make me crazy and I'll fuck you up.

-This is too much.

I'm going to the principal with this.

-He should be suspended and all these boys.

-Sit the fuck down, now.

Sit down!

I'm the fucking teacher here, I'll sort it out.

I'll say who goes to what and where and when.

Understand? He comes under my jurisdiction.

This stops right here, right now. End of story.

Jonah, let's talk about how Graydon made you feel

when he made those comments.

He made me feel like he is a homo, that's it.

-I don't have time for this shit. Look, you...

-Shut up, Krissy.

Go back to your room, Mr Fonua will walk you over there.

Now, I'll sort out these idiots and we'll get your locker fixed.

-Piss off, ranga.

-Yeah, piss off, ranga. See ya!

Shut up, shit pants! Why don't you get your teacher to change your dirty nappy?

Try getting your books out of your locker,

-because you can't, because it's welded.

-Shut up, Fob.

-At least I CAN read books.

-That's enough of the racist thing, mate.

-Racist?!

-You have got a fob youth worker standing right beside you.

-I think you're outnumbered.

-Whatever.

-Apologise for being racist, ranga.

-Why should I apologise?

Why don't you stop damaging school property?

-Apologise to my dick.

-Jonah, you shut the fuck up.

Just sit there and think about your actions. You're a fucking idiot. Ranga, piss off.

-Sir, you called him a ranga!

-You called him a ranga banger.

Don't try and charm the shit out of me.

You're giving me a fucking migraine today.

Right, this is what's going to happen.

You lot are going to get an angle grinder and you're going to fix that locker.

And for the rest of the week, you're going to stay back after class and work in the horticultural centre.

-Lap that up, sonny boy.

-He's a shithead, sir.

He is a fucking ranga.

Do you want to get suspended? Do you want to go see the principal?

-Your dick wants to get suspended.

-It does, does it?

-Yes. Yes, sir.

-My dick?

-Yes, it does!

-Move! Do as you're fucking told!

Go on, fast as you can. Go!

We're going, sir. This is as fast as I can go.

-Fucking homos.

-This is my fastest.

-Get the fuck out of the door.

-Don't molest my arsehole, sir.

-Don't touch him, sir.

Sir!

That could have gone up my arse! You suck, sir.

I'm telling the principal.

And when we fly over, you should get a premium economy.

I don't need to go premium economy.

Cos I'm really small, so that means I can get a small seat in economy,

and you can go first class, which saves us money to spend in America.

Oh, yeah. And first class is good,

cos you get a massage from the ladies,

and they're hotter ones.

In first class, air hostesses - always hotter.

-On Qantas?

-Yeah.

And in economy, it's shit,

because sometimes people die on planes

and they put them in a seat next to you,

so you gotta sit next to a dead person.

I don't care! That'd be cool.

Moses and Jonah, am I seeing any actual reading going on

or just chatting?

iPad out and reading, please, Moses. Jonah, you help him.

-It's already out.

-I know.

-She's an idiot.

-This is boring.

-Should we sing the song?

Yeah.

-OK.

-Two.

-Three.

-BOTH:

-Four.

# Pretty young girl I want to touch your booby

# Island girl Let me touch your booby

# Pretty young girl I want to touch... #

That's lovely, boys, but this isn't music, it's reading partners.

How much reading have we done today?

I suck at reading, miss! I don't want to do it.

-He sucks too.

-All right, well, just see

if you can recognise any words for me.

-Sorry, miss.

-Sorry.

-We'll start reading, miss.

Love you, miss.

-Oi, Poosey! Hey, Poosey!

-Fuck off!

It's Graydon's little brother.

Calls me Poosey just because I pooed my pants the first day of term one.

Urgh! What stinks?

Fuck up, ranga! Or I'll bash you.

You picked on my brother, so I can pick on yours.

We're going to beat the shit out of you.

I'm in Year 9. I could take on a Year 7 any day.

-You want to go back in the locker again?

-Oi! Be nice! And no language.

CHATTER

-Oi! Where you lot going?

-Back in five or ten minutes, sir.

Straight to the wash-up area and back. No fucking around.

We have to go to the beach first, so we might take ages.

'You can pretty much define the Laz House kids in two categories.

'You got your dumb and you've got your dumb and annoying.'

Jonah is definitely dumb and annoying.

-KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Excuse me, miss.

Er, Mr Joseph needs to see some boys. Er, Graydon's brother.

-That one.

-It's urgent, miss.

This one here. And that one there. Come with us, boys.

'I'm in a pretty tricky position at the moment.

'I need to draw as little attention as possible

'to the issues that Jonah's causing.

'Y'know, obviously I don't want Laz House closed down.

'I think it does good.

'But, er, it's going to be pretty difficult to work out.'

But slow and steady.

Y'know, we'll get there.

KNOCK AT DOOR

'I haven't reached my ultimate level of rage yet.

'When I do, they normally don't fuck with me again.'

I don't know your names, but that girl there, that one there.

-That one.

-Erm, him and this kid here.

Get up! Come with us. We got to go, urgently.

Yeah. Hurry up.

'I enjoy a challenge. I do.

'Erm, and I think Jonah from Lazarus House is definitely a challenge

'if ever there was one.

'But, erm, it should be interesting.

'And Jonah I know...'

can seem pretty full-on,

but there's something about him that actually intrigues me.

'I'm keen to find what that is.'

All right, I'm feeling it, guys, some mint dancing going on here.

'Yeah, I've got a good feeling I'm going to love it here. Y'know?

'I'm ready to rock it, and, uh, Jonah is going to be my mission.'

-I'm going to work that kid up.

-'All rangas into the goal.'

Hurry up, boys! Quickly!

-Why the fuck are we here?

-Don't ask any questions.

It's a Laz House anger-management task, so you got to do it.

-Get in. Stay here.

-We're allowed to do what we fucking say.

Come here! Come here. Get in. Get in!

Get in! All rangas in.

OK, tie up the sides, boys. Action! This a Fobba-liscious bully video.

-Fobba-liscious!

-This is called the Ranga Round-Up

with a Yeah 7 homo eating dog shit.

Where's the dog shit? Give me this.

Graydon's little brother, come here. You're going to eat dog shit.

SHOUTING

-Come here! Take it!

-Fuck off!

-Eat it!

-No!

-Eat the dog shit. Eat it!

-Fuck off! Eat it!

-Fuck off!

Jonah! You fuckin' idiot!

-Aw, shit!

-Fuck.

-Shit!

-Fuck!

-Sorry, sir! It was a joke!

-I'll get your arse for this!

SHOUTING

What? Ohhh! That's it! I've had a gutful. I'm calling your father.

-Don't call my dad, sir! It was a joke!

-I'm on the phone.

-It's funny!

No, you're fucked. I'm going to call him.

I wouldn't like to be your arse tonight, boy.

Sir, I love you! I love you, sir.

Get your arses over here and help me get them out,

you fuckin' idiots.

-Sir!

-Do yourself, sir!

I love you, sir. Please don't call my dad!

-Melody!

-She likes you.

-I wanted to ask you something.

-Would I be able to papier-mache you?

-Why the fuck would you do that?

Stop trying to touch my boobs!

-Hey, need any help?

-Don't fucking touch!

Moses is obsessed with the golden bowling ball.

-You're touching 10,000 dollars.

-The prize is a trip to America.

How do we win it?

# I want to beat the shit out of every motherfucker who... #

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-BOYS CHEER

What did the nun say to the priest?

-"Shut up."

-SHE LAUGHS

-I like that one.

-Mr Joseph tells me you've been in trouble with the law.

What's up, fox?

You want to do something that proves you're real men?

Oh, fuck!

-Jonah!

-Shit, your dad!

-What the fuck?

-I'm going to smack you.

I'm going to kick the shit out of you.