Episode 1 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show - pop superstar Olly Murs

hands over his phone to play Celebrity Send To All!

There's a British television exclusive from hit new musical,

School Of Rock!

Music from the wonderful Ellie Goulding!

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star Of The Show?

All this and so much more!

'Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

'Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!'

CHEERING

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Very good!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, hello! Hi!

And welcome to a brand-new series of my Big Show!

CHEERING

Oh, yes, over the next six weeks, we will have even bigger stars,

even bigger laughs, and even bigger surprises!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's always a nice night out, isn't it, the theatre?

Going to the theatre, dress up, maybe.

It's quite expensive, you know, maybe combine it with a dinner.

Dinner. Dinner and a show.

Dinner and a show, it's quite a lovely evening.

I always find it a bit weird eating, though, in the interval,

when you eat ice cream with wood. It always feels a bit depressing.

I've paid all this money, and now I'm having wood ice cream.

Would you like some ice cream?

It's like picnics. I don't see the value in a picnic.

Because people think it's fun, don't they? "Let's have a picnic!"

It's always a lovely moment when people want to announce the idea.

"Oh, let's have a picnic!"

And for some reason we're programmed, as British people,

to be incredibly enthusiastic about the prospect.

"Oh, yes, yes, let's have a picnic!"

We're going to have a picnic, guys!

And it's never fun, it's never fun.

Just eat in your own homes, OK?

You go out with your rug,

you look for a place furthest away from strangers.

"Let's not go here, they're here. Let's go over here.

"No, they're coming over there. What about this? This seems OK."

Just stay at home - there are no strangers there at all!

And then off you go with your rug, it takes a few attempts,

the wind blows it back.

"No, come on, it's OK, no, I'll get there in the end, all right,

"all right, jump on it!

"You hold that bit down!"

And then comes a very big challenge for men,

because it doesn't matter how hard you are, how macho you are,

it is impossible not to become extremely camp,

as soon as you get down for the picnic.

Men are completely restricted

by the picnic pose.

You can't really do...

This is basically it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This arm is for stability,

this one is for grazing.

I'm just grazing.

When I'm not grazing, it just rests here on my knee.

I'm in a "ready to graze" situation.

"Can you pass me the hot Coca-Cola, please?

"I'm having such a lovely time.

"Mmm!

"I love hot Coca-Cola,

"and the fear of a football hitting me in the head."

And, of course, that's when the bees and the wasps

start to chip in to your day, because they live outside, OK?

So they'll start to come into your life,

and you'll deal with the situation, I believe, as a British person,

in one of three ways.

You'll recognise yourself in this as we go through it.

When a bee or a wasp buzzes into your life, "Bzzz,"

either you are, firstly, a wafter, OK?

You'll know who you are if you're the wafters.

They're quite cool, by the way, if you are a wafter, you're quite cool.

You just deal with the situation,

"Bzzz." "OK, off you go, I don't need that." "Bzzz." "Shoo. Shoo."

Sometimes you don't even break stride in your conversation.

"Bzzz..." "So the other day we were..." You've just dealt with the situation. You're moving the air.

You're not trying to hit it. "I'm just going to move the air near you..."

"Bzzz." "..then you'll know this isn't an area where you're particularly welcome, OK?

"I'm a wafter."

Right, next up, secondly, you have the stay-stillers.

Now, they are very serious people,

and they're very adamant that their strategy is the best one

to deal with the situation.

"OK, nobody move, just stay completely still!

"Don't make it angry!

"Don't encourage it!"

They get quite angry with the wafters - "Don't waft it!

"You're just making it angry! You're encouraging it, don't encourage it!

"It's not interested in us, and we're not interested in it.

"See? It's gone now.

"Just sit completely still and it'll get about its business, OK?"

Then, the third way, the total panickers.

Right?

"Bzzz..."

HE SCREAMS

HYSTERICALLY: "Get it off me! Get it off me!

"Is it off me?!" HE SCREAMS

"I can feel it!"

HE SCREAMS

"Has it gone? Has it gone?!

"Has it gone or not?!

HE YELPS AND SCREAMS

"I can feel it! Did it go?

"Did you see it go? It's massive!"

"Oh, I can still feel it, I can see it, did you see it?

"It was massive. Oh, my God! Oh!

"Was it a hornet? Was it a hornet?!

"You know, if it gets you on the throat, you can die!

"You can die!"

That's the third way.

Now, wafters are able to upgrade, and become total panickers.

They allow themselves that privilege, you know?

If things...

If their wafting is ineffective, and the wasp keeps coming back...

"Bzzz..."

..then you can see them start to panic.

HE SCREAMS

Which is why wafters really hardly ever get stung...

..and total panickers almost never get stung.

You know who gets stung? The stay-stillers.

Because they cannot break out of their seriousness.

They are such firm believers that they have the right strategy,

and this is why I thought of this.

I've got a friend, he's a stay-stiller,

and a wasp not only buzzed around him, but landed on his face.

And he just went, "The best thing to do is stay completely still."

"I'm not so sure about that - it's on your face!"

"I don't want to encourage it."

"But you're just encouraging it to crawl into your eye!

"It's walking towards your eye!"

He's like, "No, the best thing - it's not interested in me."

"It seems pretty interested in you!"

"Why don't you waft it?"

"The worst thing I could do is waft it!

"Just stay completely still."

Then another one landed on the other side of his face!

I'm like, "Dude, you now have two wasps on your face."

And then it stung him.

I've got to say it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen,

because he couldn't just scream -

he had to make out that he was still in the right. And he just went...

SHORT SCREAM

"It has now stung me. It's stung my face.

"It's stung me on the face, but I think the best thing to do

"is to not encourage it to sting me again."

If a total panicker gets stung, you know about it. It's like...

HE SCREAMS

IT GOT ME!

HE SCREAMS

Suck it out, suck it out!

APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen, who wants to play Celebrity Send To All?

CHEERING

Oh, yes!

This is, of course, where I take a celebrity's mobile phone,

send a message of my choosing to their contacts,

and we see what fun replies they get at the end of the show.

So let's find out who's in our Royal Send To All box this week.

Why, it's heart-throb...

Olly Murs - Mursy!

-Michael!

-How are you?

-How are you, sir? You OK?

-Yeah.

-It's good to see you.

Olly, tell me who you're with tonight in the box.

-I'm with my mum.

-Oh, it's Mama Murs!

-Yeah.

Hi, Mum!

Hello.

-My lovely sister in the middle...

-Hi.

-..and Auntie Rachel.

-Oh, hi, Auntie Rach!

Yay, it's a family affair!

It's the Murses!

OLLY LAUGHS

So, Olly, what you been up to, what's been happenin'?

Erm... I've just been... Bit of this, bit of that.

New music's out, new single - You Don't Know Love.

-All your music is awesome.

-That's very kind, mate, thank you.

I like that old one, when you start with the letter, # "Dear..." #

-# "Dear darling..." #

-How did the letter go?

# Please excuse my writing..." #

Yeah, I love that one!

# "Please excuse my writing..." #

-Why didn't you type it or send a text?

-I don't know why.

-But that's what you're going to do tonight.

-That's exactly right.

I'm not going to...

Maybe that's the text I'll send to everyone on your phone -

# "Dear darling, please excuse my texting..." #

I can't thank you enough for being here, and it's going to be fun.

So if I could just ask you to place your mobile telephone

into our little cushion there, I'll bring it down,

and we'll play Celebrity Send To All!

Here we go.

MUSIC: Heart Skips a Beat by Olly Murs

# My heart skips-skips-skips-skips skips-skips a beat... #

OLLY LAUGHS

Yeah!

I love that one!

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

I am now in possession of Olly Murs' mobile phone, Mursy!

CHEERING

Right, so I'm going to plug that in here.

-All right, so this is Olly Murs' life.

-Boring.

Uber, get me out of here!

-I've never used it before - is it good?

-I don't know!

This is your last journey.

-Did you have a nice trip?

-It was lovely, thank you, yeah.

Not according to that rating.

No!

-No, be nice.

-Shall we give him five stars?

-Yeah, go on.

CHEERING

That's very sweet, we're going to give him five stars.

I have to book another car?

That is hilarious. I'm going to book a car, how do I do that?

What do I do, what do I do?

Press the arrow, get the location.

So that's where I am, the theatre.

Yeah, and then you pick at the bottom which one you want to get.

Well, of course the best one.

-That'd be the Lux.

-Lux!

I accept the higher fare.

My destination?

Heaven.

Where shall we go? We can go anywhere!

Where do you want to go? AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS

Where?

INDISTINCT SHOUTS

Let's go to Basildon.

Basildon, UK. All right.

We'll let your driver know, all right, are we on?

Oh, there he is!

So we have a man, Ionut Vasile.

And he's on his way, he's in a BMW 7 series.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

And we need to... How do I know what to give him, money?

You pay for it at the end of the journey.

Yeah, but they... I can't go to Basildon, I've got to...

All right, that's that. Oh, what's that?

Oh, these are your photos?

Wait a minute!

I recognise that guy!

-That's you and Pele.

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

-Please tell me you've got his phone number.

-I haven't, unfortunately.

If you did, we would just play Send To Pele - it would be a new game.

-Oh, hello!

-Oh, of course...

-What's going on here then, Olly, where are you?

-I was in Vegas.

I was there for a music shoot...

I love how you roll.

..for a video, and then me and the lads decided to have a few days

-celebrating birthdays.

-I wish I was you! I don't have lads.

I have me and my family.

And we go to family friendly holidays.

And I spend about three hours blowing that up,

and then they don't play with it.

Hang on, I've just received a text.

Ionut Vasile is arriving now.

CHEERING

Let's get into these texts, cos your phone is too much fun already.

I'm slightly worried about Ionut arriving. OK...

The text, Olly,

that I'm going to send into your phone is as follows:

"Just going through the contacts...

"..in my phone.

"Really sorry...

"but can you...

"remind me...

"..how I know you?

"Or...

"I'm going to have to...

"delete you."

APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

-Oh, how would you sign your texts?

Just a kiss.

I'm not sure this is the right situation for kisses.

It has to be quite a clinical Olly.

You can pick, whatever you fancy.

-I'll just leave it "Olly."

-Yeah.

-Olly, yeah, OK.

So, let's remind ourselves of this text.

"Just going through the contacts in my phone,

"really sorry but can you remind me how I know you?

"Or I'm going to have to delete you.

"Olly."

Shall I send that to everyone in Olly's phone?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-All right!

That... MESSAGE SENT TONE

..has gone, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm going to... OLLY CHUCKLES

What are you doing?

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ionut!

Our Unexpected,

Unexpected Star Of The show!

I need a microphone.

They put... They put a mic on you!

Ionut... Am I saying that right?

-Ionut?

-Yes.

So, listen, do you like music?

-Of course.

-Do you like pop music?

-Everything.

-If I was to say...

# Dear darling...

# Please excuse my writing...

# I can't stop my hands from shaking... #

Does that ring any bells with you?

No!

APPLAUSE

This gentleman on the left - recognise him at all?

Listen, Ionut, I want to make this worth your while.

Is there anybody who needs to go to Basildon?

-How much do I owe you for the trip to Basildon?

-Around 200.

Have you got a credit card, or something?

-It's already being charged to it.

-Oh, does it already get charged?

-Yeah!

Does that already get charged automatically?

Yes. Straight away!

But maybe you should have...

Can we have a whip-round?

Hold on, Ionut. I've got to... We've got to tip. We need a tip.

Can I get a whip-round? Anything, come on. Anything.

Get your money out. We've got 2,000 people in here.

Don't just look at me blankly!

Has anyone got a tenner?

Five quid?

Olly! Olly's mum.

Olly's mum. Put it in the...

Put it in the thing, Olly's mum.

# Dear darling

# Please excuse my... #

OK? What have we got? Let's see how generous he is.

# Please excuse my writing

# I can't stop my hands from shaking... #

Yeah, it's gone quite well!

I got 20 quid, 20 squid!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

By the way, you smell amazing.

What is that? What is that?

-It's amazing.

-Nice combination.

-It's a combination?

-Yes.

Well...

Oh, God. It's, like, really, really good.

What's the combination?

Wait a minute - you're combining colognes?

-Yes.

-What...

What's the combo you're going for?

I can't tell you now.

You won't reveal the combo?

-Is it in your car?

-Yeah.

All right. That's for you. I can't thank you enough.

Ionut, thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ionut!

The Unexpected Driver Of The Show!

Thank you very much. Nice to meet you.

APPLAUSE

I cannot tell you how good that man smells.

I was completely intoxicated - did you see my eyes go?

I was like... I've never said to a man in my life, "You smell amazing."

And his response was so awesome.

"A combination."

Tell me the combination!

Olly, thank you so much.

What an amazing sport is Olly Murs, ladies and gentlemen!

We will be finding out later what responses Olly gets.

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, what an absolute treat we have for you now.

With an exclusive performance

from Andrew Lloyd Webber's brand-new musical,

playing completely live for you tonight,

it's the magnificent kids from the School Of Rock!

CHEERING

One, two, three!

Good evening, London!

Say hello to the demon rascals from the School Of Rock!

# When the world has screwed you and crushed you in its fist

# When the way you're treated has got you in a twist

# There's been one solution since the world began

# Don't just sit and take it, stick it to the man

# Rant and rave and scream and shout

# Get all of your aggression out

# They tried to stop you

# Let 'em know exactly where they ought to go

# And do it just as loudly as you can

# Stick it to the man. #

Now, if you want to rock, you got to get angry at the man!

-# Parents overwork you

-Stick it to the man!

# Hate the way they jerk you!

# Stick it to the man!

# Stand up to the system!

# Stick it to the man!

# Rise up and resist 'em!

# Stick it to the man!

# Break the rules, ignore the signs and colour way outside the lines

# Go off the script, do what you like

# They hate it, they can take a hike

# Why live your life with someone else's plan?

# Stick it to the man! #

If you're feeling angry, put some of it into your music!

Put your hands in the air!

Family therapy sessions!

-# Stick it to the man! #

-Good one!

Parents all up in your Facebook!

-# Stick it to the man! #

-I hate that!

Gluten-free vegan snack foods!

# Stick it to the man! #

No more Kardashians!

# Stick it to the man!

# Rock the house and make a scene and crank the amps to 17

# And scream until there is a shot

# They all can kiss your you-know-what

# Do everything they ever tried to ban

# Stick it to the man! #

Good evening, London! One more time!

# When the world has screwed you and crushed you in its fist

# When the way you're treated has got you in a twist

# There's been one solution since the world began

# Don't just sit and take it - stick it to the man!

# Rant and rave and scream and shout

# Stick your middle finger out

# Wreck your room and rip your jeans

# Show them what rebellion means

# Why march in someone else's caravan?

# Yeah

# Especially those we're so much cooler than

# Yeah

# It's time to throw it all against the ban

# Stick it to the man

# Stick it to the man

# Stick it to the man

# Stick it to the man! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The School Of Rock, ladies and gentlemen!

Boom!

Yeah, fantastic!

Congratulations. Hi, guys.

Hi, guys. One more time, what about that?

The School Of Rock. Come on.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Yeah!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out

who is going to be our Unexpected Star Of The Show!

CHEERING

So, just a reminder,

this is where somebody comes to the theatre

and they think they're coming here for work

but really they have a secret desire to perform

and we give them that opportunity on this very stage.

So here is our Unexpected Star tonight, he is called Andy Quinn.

Come on, let's hear it for Andy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He is 36 years old, he's from Nottingham

and he is a firefighter.

And doesn't he look like...? CHEERING

Apart from the fact his cardigan looks incredibly flammable,

he looks like he can deal with fire and fight it at any moment.

So that's Andy. And he is coming to this office next door

to give a fire safety talk, so that is right next door,

and let me show you what it looks like now.

Yes, there it is.

It's the MMBS Training Centre Ltd,

not a real company.

Of course, that is in reference to the name of our television show,

Michael McIntyre's Big Show.

But he would have to have incredible intuition to see that and go,

"Hang on a minute,

"that's the abbreviation for Michael McIntyre's Big Show!"

This is the fake room where Andy will be giving a talk,

so we'll have six actors sitting down in these seats,

but, of course, the real reason Andy is here is that

he has a burning desire to perform on the West End stage

and we're going to make his dream come true.

Yes!

All right.

He has been nominated by his lovely wife Emma

and I'm going to have a chat with her. Where are you, Emma?

There she is. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Emma, Andy's wife.

CHEERING Yeah!

Yes! Emma!

-Hello!

-Is that you?

-Yes.

-Oh, you look divine.

So, Emma, this is very exciting, tell us all about Andy.

Well, he's been a firefighter for about 13 years

and in his spare time he does amateur musical theatre.

-Right, OK.

-Every time we come to London,

he's always saying that he wants to be on the West End stage

and he wishes he'd had a go at it.

-So it really is an unfulfilled passion.

-Yep.

Did he do anything to try and be in musical theatre when he was younger?

Yeah, he went to do drama at university.

-Right.

-Then he realised that the uni lifestyle wasn't for him.

-OK.

-So he followed in his dad's footsteps...

-Right.

-..to become a fireman instead.

-Is his dad here?

-Yep.

-He's here.

-Yeah!

Hi, Dad.

Good to see you.

-So, you're a firefighter.

-I'm retired now.

-Have you seen him perform?

-Many times, yeah.

How do you think he'll react, then, to tonight?

I don't, I don't know. He's... He doesn't like surprises.

-He'll be excited!

-How do you think he'll be reacting tonight?

Erm.... I think he'll be shocked

but I think when it's sunk in

and he realises the opportunity that he's got...

-But he should be good in a crisis, I mean, in...

-Yeah.

-..an emergency.

OK, thank you very much. It's Andy's wife, Emma.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

And he doesn't like surprises!

OK.

All right, well...

we can now, I believe, go live to that very room and there he is.

And he's in his uniform,

the Nottinghamshire Fire and Rescue Service.

Can you confirm that is your husband and son?

Yes? There he is.

Let's listen in for a bit.

Most house fires will start in certain places,

either whether it's to do with cooking or to do with electricity,

so you can get a kitchen, it's always one, you know,

-the living room...

-Yeah.

-..there's lots of things plugged in.

None of this is real!

How exciting.

OK. So, what's going to happen is someone's going to come upstairs

when I call them up

and say they need help getting the fire extinguishers

and they're going to come down in through a corridor here

and then on this stage there'll be a store room

with the fire extinguishers in them. As soon as he gets in there,

then a fire alarm is going to go off

and the fire extinguishers are also going to go off

and put foam all over him,

then water is going to come out of the ceiling.

And the lights will be flashing and then the walls will collapse

and Andy will be standing there, a man who doesn't like surprises...

Oh, dear, Dad. Who knows?

Who knows how he's going to deal with this surprise?

OK. And then, with a bit of luck,

he will agree to perform at the end of this show.

So, we're about to bring him up to the stage

to give him this massive surprise, but first,

we're going to have a little bit of fun,

because two of those actors actually have microphones in their ear

and we can communicate with them. So...

let's see if we can talk to Richard.

Where's Richard? Richard, if you can hear me, scratch your nose.

Gemma, Gemma?

If you can hear me, sneeze quite violently.

Oh, so sorry!

He is very unimpressed by that.

Richard, can you have your hand up, please?

Can you just raise your hand with a question?

OK, Richard, your question is going to be, "I've heard the phrase,

"there's no smoke without fire, but is that actually true?"

I just want to ask, sorry, I've heard the phrase,

-"There's no smoke without fire."

-Yeah.

But, like, is that actually true?

APPLAUSE

You can have smoke without fire.

You can have fires that smoulder away

without any fire for hours and hours on end.

Can you follow this up with, "What about smoke machines in discos?"

If you haven't got enough oxygen, it...

Yeah, but what about smoke machines in discos?

What about them?

OK, Gemma, when you can, can you just say, "Coral,"

that's the person sitting in front of you,

"Coral's too embarrassed to ask,

"but can you do a fireman's lift on her?"

Once it gets the right mixture of heat, oxygen...

Sorry, Coral, this is my friend, Coral.

-Hello.

-She's too embarrassed to ask,

but she really wants you to do a fireman's lift on her.

APPLAUSE

I'm here to talk to you...

-Just do it.

-ALL:

-Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

-CORAL:

-I'm heavier than I look.

-No.

-You're not heavy!

-Oh, my God.

-Do you just want me to do it?

-Yeah! "Agh, fire! Fire! Help me!"

-Right, it's just a case of that.

-Whoa! Oh, my God!

-Yay!

Woo!

Gemma, can you say that Coral also wants to know

if you have any photos of you in uniform?

-Any more questions?

-Coral also wants to know...

Blooming 'eck!

Coral wants to know if you've got any photos of you in uniform?

She said that.

-Probably not.

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Funnily enough, I have one photo I keep on my...

-Are you serious?

-Come on!

-No, it's of me and my dad.

-My dad was a firefighter.

-Or out of your uniform.

All right, normal questions now, normal questions.

-Anyway...

-Yeah, shall we...? Any more questions?

-Erm, you mentioned...

-Is it about Coral?

-It's not about Coral.

-OK!

OK, I think, as a husband, he behaved very admirably. Yeah.

Didn't he? APPLAUSE

Right. Can we bring Andy up with our little ruse?

Hey, guys. I'm just being aware of time.

We haven't got much longer. Have you got everything you need up here?

-Extinguishers?

-I couldn't ask one of you to just give me a hand?

-Yeah!

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, no worries.

-Yeah, I'll carry on.

-General safety, mate.

-If you're happy to.

-Yeah.

-I'm just aware of time.

-Absolutely fine.

So...

It's a bit of a walk, sorry. It's just next door in our next office.

Yeah, we keep all our stuff down this end.

My kids are off...

Where are they, did you say?

INDISTINCT

-Sorry?

-Where are the girls?

-Where are your girls, yeah? Are they back home, in bed?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it's probably late, isn't it, actually?

If you can do me a favour. Just grab,

there's a water one in there.

-Yeah.

-There's another one upstairs that I'll just grab.

You'll see it as you go in. If you just grab that for me.

Yeah, no problem.

ALARM BLARES

CHEERING

Andy!

Andy!

MICHAEL LAUGHS

It's Andy, ladies and gentlemen. Andy Quinn.

CHEERING There's your wife over there.

There's your dad. Oh, good lord, Andy!

You are such a good firefighter

that you have managed to avoid everything...

Andy, this was supposed to douse you in foam and water

and you've walked straight out.

You're as clean as a whistle!

-Andy, don't panic.

-Yes.

-Don't panic. This is my television show.

As you can see, your wife is over there and your father

and family and friends.

And we are here, of course, to surprise you.

We were hoping there was going to be a little bit more of a surprise

-at the end.

-I always mess things up.

-Oh, no, you haven't at all.

Come over here and have a chat.

So I'm going to go with what was supposed to happen.

-I've got a towel here...

-Dry me.

-..to dry you off

because I know you're covered in...

APPLAUSE ..in all the foam and the water.

Right. And, of course, here is a carpet.

Careful not to slip because I know,

I know your feet are supposed to be very wet.

Now, Andy, everything you've been doing here tonight isn't real.

That fire safety course wasn't happening.

Those people in the course are actors.

So I don't know if we can see... They're all in on this. Yeah.

They're all waving.

APPLAUSE

Did you have any sense today that something was up?

I don't have any sense at all, have I?

You haven't got any sense at all?

You had the sense to avoid everything we set up for you...

-Yeah!

-..in the room.

-Well done for that. So...

-They're still waving.

They're still waving. That might be on a loop.

I don't know what's wrong with those people.

So, tell me how you're feeling right now.

-No idea.

-Yeah, it's confusing.

-Yeah.

-You don't know what's happening, do you?

-No.

Well, you are going to be, hopefully,

something that we call the Unexpected Star Of The Show

which is where we bring you to this theatre,

you're in the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane,

and, hopefully, if you'll agree, you will be performing...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..in front of over 2,000 people here.

Now, you like performing, you like singing,

-you like musical theatre.

-I did.

-You did?

Could be the end of it tonight.

We have a whole production lined up.

I can't imagine more people rooting for you than we have here tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're all on your side, Andy.

So all that remains for me to do is to ask you, Andy,

if you will be our Unexpected Star Of The Show tonight?

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right, he's going to do it!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our firefighting Unexpected Star Of The Show, Andy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right. There you go.

Clean as a whistle!

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an international pop sensation.

It is the absolutely wonderful, I'm so glad she's on my show,

Ellie Goulding is here!

# Fire and ice

# This love is like fire and ice

# This love is like rain and blue skies

# This love is like sun on the rise

# This love got me rolling the dice

# Don't let me lose

# Still falling for you

# Still falling for you

# It took us a while

# With every breath a new day

# With love on the line

# We've had our share of mistakes

# But all your flaws and scars are mine

# Still falling for you

# Still falling for you

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# I'm in

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# No-one can lift me, catch me the way that you do

# I'm still falling for you

# Brighter than gold

# This love shining brighter than gold

# This love is like letters in bold

# This love is like out of control

# This love's never growing old

# You make it new

# Still falling for you

# Still falling for you

# It took us a while cos we were young and unsure

# With love on the line

# What if we both would need more?

# But all your flaws and scars are mine

# Still falling for you

# Still falling for you

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# I'm in

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# And no-one can lift me, catch me the way that you do

# I'm still falling for you

# Oh

# Falling, crash into my arms

# Oh, love you like this, like a first kiss

-# Never let go

-Oh

# Falling, crash into my arms

# Never breaking what we got

# Still falling for you

# Still falling for-or-or

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# I'm in

# And just like that

# All I breathe

# All I feel

# You are all for me

# All for me

# Just like that

# All I feel is you

# All I feel is you

# You are all for me

-# I'm still falling for you

-Just like that

# All I feel is you

# All I feel is you

# You are all for me

# No-one can lift me, catch me the way that you do

# I'm still falling for you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ellie Goulding, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Ah-ah-ah-ah! # I love you. Thank you so much.

The wonderful, fantastic, gorgeous Ellie Goulding.

# Ah-ah-ah-ah! #

Thank you so much.

# Ah-ah-ah-ah!

# Ah-ah-ah-ah!

# Ah-ah-ah-ah! #

So, something that I noticed in the last series,

because, you know, social media is a very big part of everybody's lives,

is that people, they tweet and do Instagrams.

I don't do this so I don't really know what it means.

But people are always updating what they are doing in their lives and

people here in the theatre were doing it so I thought

we'd have a little look at what is going on with you here tonight.

So, yes, if you've been doing that, feel a little bit tense.

So let's see. Who are these people?

Who are these two? Where are you?

CHEERING There they are. These people.

"On our way to see Mr McIntyre."

There you are in the car, and you are wearing a comedy wig,

is that correct?

-Is that true or not?

-That's right, yes.

-Is that your real hair?

-Yeah, that's real.

That's fantastic. Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?

-Yeah.

-Amazing! Sorry. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

I was way too happy for you then.

OK. And what are your names?

-Jake.

-Steph.

Hi. Welcome. Thank you so much for coming.

And that is very funny.

Anybody else? Anybody else been posting anything?

We've got this gentleman. Who's this? Who is this?

"Worldies."

LAUGHTER

Who are these people? Down here. What does that mean, Worldies?

-Pretty people.

-Pretty people are called Worldies?

You can't just invent terminology on the spot.

I'm going to come down and say hi to you.

And your name is up there, isn't it? Josh, is that you?

"Josh Lamptey, One hour ago."

And who's that gentleman with you?

-It's my grandad.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hello, there.

-This is adorable! LAUGHTER

What's your name, Grandpa?

-Norman.

-Norman.

So you're Worldies?

Yeah.

-Absolutely peng.

-You're what?

-Peng.

Peng. This is a completely different language

that only your family speaks.

Can I ask you...?

So you post a lot on social media?

-Yeah.

-Josh.

-No, I don't...

In fact, Josh, maybe you could stand up for us.

It's Josh, everyone, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, what a fine figure of a Josh!

So, Josh, we know that you are a bit of a poster

-of all sorts of photos of yourself.

-Oh, my...

I wouldn't call you...shy.

Grandpa, can you stand up?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Norman, Josh's grandpa.

CHEERING

Aw! Look at those two.

So...

Now, Norman, actually, Josh,

came to us and he's very intrigued by your lifestyle on social media.

Oh, my...

LAUGHTER

And he wants our help to get involved.

MUFFLED EXCLAMATION

LAUGHTER

So...using your social media to inspire grandfather Norman....

Oh, my days...

LAUGHTER

Norman has set up an Instagramps.

LAUGHTER

So let's have a little look...

-Oh, my....

-..at one of your selfies.

There you are.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

What a fine figure of a man you are, Josh!

-Oh, my days, mate.

-LAUGHTER

This is the most embarrassing thing

that has ever happened to me in my life.

Yes, you say that, but you posted it online.

I am such a...!

I don't remember your privacy settings not allowing this.

So, Norman, inspired by this, thought he would have a little go.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Look at the guns on Norm!

Oh, my days. There's not more, is there?

No, no. Just a few. So...

LAUGHTER

Any more selfies?

Oh, dear.

Josh, I feel this needs some explanation.

What are you doing here?

Being a tool.

I am going to get so ripped for this.

Well, let's see how Instagramps has handled this photo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Any more?

Have you got any more of these?

-No, no, no.

-Hopefully.

Josh hopes... Oh.

LAUGHTER

Mate, I'm going.

Right.

Oh, my days, you're going to...!

All right, Instagramps, how did you handle this?

Oh, my days!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

OK, now, Josh, can we just ask what do you do for a living?

-What do you do at the moment?

-I'm a student.

-You're a student.

-Yeah.

-And do you do anything else? Part-time?

Yeah.

This is so cringey.

What part-time job?

-Go on, tell him.

-Model.

Ooh!

Part-time model!

I wonder if any of your modelling shots are in the public domain.

Oh!

Look at that!

What are you thinking, what's the motivation behind this one?

Is it you forgetting how One Potato, Two Potato goes?

LAUGHTER

Very cool. So what happened here is that Grandpa Norman thought he would

try and get involved in a little bit of modelling himself.

Let's have a look at how that played out.

Hi, Norman, I'm Rob.

-I'm your photographer.

-Hi.

I think the first thing to do, we'll get you into make-up.

Make-up? You're joking.

He's a poser, isn't he?

-You know.

-Looking really good there, Norman.

LAUGHTER

Give me a little bit of a pout, just like Josh would do.

Yeah, perfect. Shoulders back.

Very nice. Looking really dapper.

I think these might be better than Josh's.

I thought Norman took direction really well.

-Can't hear you for the wind.

-WIND MACHINE

His poses were good.

-Whoops.

-To be honest, I think he gave Josh a run for his money.

I can't compare with Josh, but it was brilliant having a try.

Now I've got something to post on social media.

What about that? Let's hear it for Instagramps, Norm!

CHEERING

Fantastic.

Oh, my days.

Josh, what do you want to say to your gramps?

He's absolutely class, isn't he?

He's cooler than me by a mile.

-Did you enjoy that, Norm?

-I did, yes.

-I enjoyed it.

-Let's...

Have you got your phone on you now?

Let's the three of us take a selfie

and round this up and we'll get this out there.

What an absolute legend.

Let's hear it for Grandpa Norman.

CHEERING

And Josh!

Yeah.

Brilliant. Well done. Fantastic.

Great fun. Excellent.

Instagramps, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

That was fun. "Oh, my days!"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, my days!"

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is now

time to play Celebrity Send To All.

Earlier tonight, pop superstar Olly Murs agreed to hand over his phone,

and I sent a text message to his contacts.

This is the message that I sent.

"Just going through the contacts in my phone.

"Really sorry but can you remind me how I know you

"or I'm going to have to delete you. Olly."

Well, replies have been flooding in, and it is now time to find out what

-has happened.

-Oh, no.

All right, so let's see what we've got here.

It's a great one. Scotty Neighbour.

What do you think Scotty Neighbour put?

-I haven't got a clue.

-I think it's quite obvious.

"Scott. I live next door."

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God.

-Chris Moyles.

Great response from Chris Moyles.

"My name is Lola and I'm a showgirl."

LAUGHTER

-Waggy?

-Yeah... Wag does...

He is a mate of mine for years, but he cleans my cars for me.

Yeah. He cleans them. No, it's what he does for a job.

He does valeting and all that.

I didn't just say to him, "Can you clean my cars?"

LAUGHTER

-He does it for a job.

-But he's first and foremost a friend?

-Yeah, he's a friend.

-Backed up by this text.

"It's Adam, Waggy, I clean your cars."

You're joking?!

LAUGHTER

Melvin? Melvin Odoom.

Yes, love Melv. Yeah, good lad.

"Ha-ha, it's Melvin Odoom."

And then he's put - "from KISS FM/Xtra Factor/Strictly, bro.

"Please don't delete me."

LAUGHTER

He's listed all his credits.

Love Melv.

"Name one more TV credit

"or it's delete city."

LAUGHTER

Are you actually sending this back?

I don't know, it's up to the audience.

-AUDIENCE:

-YES!

OK, that's gone to Melvin.

LAUGHTER

Delivered.

-Kirk, Kirk Setford.

-Another close mate.

"Cheeky. I played football for you for years

"and hung out before you could sing and pull birds."

LAUGHTER

That's how it's all gone for you, my friend!

John Pollard, who's that?

That's my uncle.

-Your uncle?

-Rachel's husband.

This is your husband, John Pollard?

And you're here tonight and he's texted - "Who is this?

"I don't seem to have your number."

LAUGHTER

You're joking?! That's my uncle!

He's having a wind-up.

-Slates. Oh, he sounds like a good mate.

-Yeah, Slates is cool.

He's just gone - "Murs, it's Slates. Don't delete me."

LAUGHTER

OK. Rochelle.

This is a great one. Rochelle.

Marvin and Rochelle. Love Rochelle.

"Murs, you're so showbiz these days.

"Rochelle? The brown one from The Saturdays?"

LAUGHTER

There's more, there's more.

"That married that rather tall, annoying guy from JLS."

LAUGHTER

I love Rochelle.

I think Olly Murs has been an incredible sport, don't you?

-I think he's a legend. It's Olly Murs, legend!

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, Olly. OK, ladies and gentlemen,

we are moments away now from our unexpected star performance,

but before we introduce him,

let's have a little look at how he's been getting on.

I came to London to do a fire safety tour.

Went to get a fire extinguisher and somehow ended up

on Michael McIntyre's show. Now I've got to sing a song.

Yeah, I still don't know what's hit me. I'm not prepared.

I'm coming to terms with it, I think.

Andy came in, obviously still in shock from what had just happened.

He's out of his comfort zone,

cos he's never been on the West End and it's a dream of his.

-HE WARMS UP

-How am I feeling about the song?

The song's got a lot of dynamics in it,

it's very powerful and very soft at the same time,

so that's probably what's the most concerning thing.

We need to get you to wardrobe.

This has been something I've talked about for years,

never for one minute thought it would happen.

I'm excited about singing to my family and some good friends in the

audience. I've just got to go out and give it my all and hope that

when I look back at the end of it, I'm happy.

That's all been going on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful,

our unexpected star of tonight's show, it's firefighter Andy.

CHEERING

MUSIC: Bring Him Home from Les Miserables

# God on high... #

APPLAUSE

# Hear my prayer

# In my need

# You have always been there

# He is young

# He's afraid

# Let him rest

# Heaven blessed

# Bring him home

# Bring him home... # APPLAUSE

# Bring him home

# He's like the son I might have known

# If God had granted me a son

# The summers die

# One by one

# How soon they fly

# On and on

# And I am old

# And will be gone

# Bring him peace

# Bring him joy

# He is young

# He is only a boy

# You can take... # APPLAUSE

# You can give

# Let him be

# Let him live

# If I die

# Let me die

# Let him live

# Bring him home

# Bring him home

# Bring him

# Home! #

CHEERING

Come on, let's go and see him.

CHEERING

CHEERING CONTINUES

Ladies and gentlemen, what about that?

Our unexpected Star Of The Show. Fireman Andy!

Incredible!

That was truly remarkable.

How did that feel?

-It felt all right, yeah.

-Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, I enjoy it now.

Now it's done.

Dad, how did you feel watching that?

I'm blown away, mate, blown away.

Yeah.

Very, very talented.

-Is this Mum?

-It's Mum.

-How did you enjoy that?

-It was just amazing.

I've never, ever heard him sing that song and I've always wanted to hear

-him sing it.

-Yeah. It's beautiful.

Well, let's talk to the lady who does get to bring him home.

LAUGHTER

-How did you enjoy that, Emma?

-Oh, I'm just so proud of you.

I hope it was all that you wanted it to be, was it?

-Yeah.

-Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, absolutely fantastic,

our Unexpected Star Of The Show.

It's fireman Andy and his family, wonderful!

Go and enjoy the moment.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for everybody we've had on tonight.

We will see you again next week for another Big Show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Until then, thank you very much.