Episode 2 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show -

Alexander Armstrong plays Celebrity Send To All.

There's comedy from the hilarious Russell Howard.

Music from global megastars OneRepublic.

And find out why I'm in disguise

for this week's Unexpected Star Of The Show.

All this and so much more.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay!

Sorry. I can't apologise enough.

Who calibrated that?

Hello, good evening.

Yay!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Welcome to my Big Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

CHEERING

Yay!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And what a fantastic show we have for you tonight.

There will of course be big stars. CHEERING

Big laughs. CHEERING

And even bigger surprises. CHEERING

I have lost weight. I don't know if that's coming across.

CHEERING

Don't be too happy. This is a temporary situation.

LAUGHTER

I'm obviously going to put it all back on.

This is what I do. I lose weight and then I eat.

I've already started eating again. I'm hungry.

I'm just a very hungry person.

I spend a lot of time at the fridge.

I'm finding myself there again. Just there. Just grazing.

And they beep as well. Does your fridge beep?

It beeps and I associate it so much with eating

that when lorries reverse now I get a bit peckish.

LAUGHTER

I'm blaming my metabolism.

I don't actually know what metabolism is

but there are obviously people with a fast one and I don't have that.

You see people who are very thin and they're like,

"My metabolism is so fast. I just eat. I eat like a pig. But you know, it just drops off me."

LAUGHTER

I don't know what a metabolism is.

I think it's like this thing inside you and then food comes in

and people with a fast metabolism are like,

"OK, everybody separate, separate equally.

"You go over there, you go over there. Little dish, if you go down the left there.

"The rest of you, the bulk of you, straight through. Keep moving.

"Don't stop. Just keep moving. Don't look behind you.

"We're keeping busy here, guys. We're in a rush. You go over there.

"Just shape around the arm, shape around the arm. Looking good.

"Looking good. The rest of you through, OK."

LAUGHTER

That's not me. That's not me.

My metabolism is more like,

"OK, OK, everybody, everybody come. Come here. Just relax.

"Everybody relax because we're going to be here a very long time."

LAUGHTER

"OK, let's all slowly make our way to his bum and we'll wait there."

LAUGHTER

"Maybe somebody there knows what to do."

LAUGHTER

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

LAUGHTER

But I did lose a little bit of weight on account of my wife

who suggested that I went on a diet

and suggested that I went to a medical clinic in Austria to do it.

When I say suggested, she bought me flights!

She literally just handed them to me and said,

"Go away and come back better looking."

So I went to this place in Austria where you lose a stone in a week.

A stone in a week. And everybody that does it loses a stone.

I lost a stone in a week and it's actually amazing how they do it.

I know you're sitting there thinking, how would you do it, a stone in a week?

Well, I'll tell you. It's amazing.

They don't give you any food!

LAUGHTER

I've never been more hungry in my entire life.

I was trapped in this clinic in the middle of the Austrian Alps,

paying an awful lot of money, drinking this thing in the morning

called Epsom salts which just make you go to the loo.

You just drink it and an hour later your whole system is flushed out.

So I'm on the loo all week with no food, miserable,

and it cost me thousands and thousands of pounds.

I could have gone to Benidorm and eaten a dodgy prawn

and had the same holiday for like 200 quid!

LAUGHTER

But no, I'm in Austria.

I'm in Austria with all these middle-class,

slightly fat people like me going, "Good morning."

We can barely walk for hunger.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

And tummies... You know when you're a little bit hungry,

at the end of the day sometimes you're lying in bed with your partner

and your tummies start getting chatty?

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

A bit of digestion.

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

And you comment on it. "Your tummy's very chatty, darling." And sometimes yours responds.

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

"Mine's gone too now."

In Austria, I cannot tell you what it was like. Just people wandering round.

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

LAUGHTER

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

I think my tummy actually spoke.

I walked out of the clinic one day to get some air on day five

and it went...

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

LAUGHTER

I think it tried to phone for a taxi in the night while I was asleep!

I woke up in the middle of the night with the phone off the hook and my tummy just going...

IMPERSONATES RUMBLING STOMACH

LAUGHTER

I'm going to say this. I don't think healthy people look good, all right?

Have you seen the people who work in health food shops?

They're very healthy. They look terrible!

It's not like you go in there and they look all athletic and wonderful,

jogging on the spot because they've got so much energy.

LAUGHTER

Maybe they're skipping. "Hi, how can I help you?

"The lentils? They're just down here."

LAUGHTER

That's not what they're like at all.

They're all skeletal.

"Let me show you to the lentils over here."

LAUGHTER

"I don't need vitamins, I have supplements.

"Massive things. I can't swallow them."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen, who would like to play Celebrity Send To All?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This, of course, is where I take a celebrity's mobile phone

and send a text of my choosing to their contacts

to see what hilarious replies we get.

So let's see who's in our Send To All Box this week.

Oh, it's the divine Alexander Armstrong!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Actor, writer, comedian, host, singer, all-round charmer.

How are you, Alexander?

-I'm very well.

-So who are you with tonight?

-I'm with my wife, Hannah.

-Hi, Hannah.

-Hello.

-This is Hannah and Kirsty and Rory.

Hi, thanks for coming, guys.

So how is everything with you? What have you been up to?

I've been up to various bits and pieces.

I've just recorded an album which we've just released, which is very exciting.

-It's really good, it's really good.

-Everyone's going to download that now.

I'm very proud of it.

I've just been finishing off Pointless, obviously.

We're doing 210 episodes of Pointless this year.

APPLAUSE

-210 Episodes?!

-I know. They fly by.

Is it true that the Queen watches Pointless?

Apparently at 5.15pm every afternoon

they can hear the Pointless music down her corridor.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

So, Xander, we'd like you to pop your phone

into our little contraption here and I will take it away from you.

Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Alexander Armstrong! What a wonderful sport.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get this down. Oh, yes, look at that.

POINTLESS THEME

LAUGHTER

That went rather well.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm now in possession of Alexander Armstrong's...

..very big phone.

-It's far too big.

-I'm going to plug it in here.

That should pop up. Yes!

OK, let's have a look at what goes on in your life.

This is the poshest phone I've ever looked at in my entire life!

LAUGHTER

You've got "wine guide," Wimbledon and Ocado!

Not to mention Nespresso!

LAUGHTER

I've never seen anything so posh in my entire life.

OK, we must hurry up because Ocado is due any minute!

Alexander, the text I'm going to send into your mobile phone is the following.

Now, I want you to relax. It's just a bit of fun.

And I really like you so I said,

when we were coming up with the text,

I said, "Look, I don't want anything about Alexander because I really like him.

"I don't want it about him personally in any way. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable."

LAUGHTER

So we're going to make everybody else feel uncomfortable.

LAUGHTER

"Possibly the most awkward text

"I've ever had to send."

-How are you feeling about that as a start?

-Lovely.

You've got my tone of voice absolutely there!

"If it was me, I'd want to know."

LAUGHTER

"You...

"..have...

"really...

"bad breath."

LAUGHTER

"Please tell me...

"I've done the right thing..."

LAUGHTER

"..by telling you."

How would you sign a text?

If it was that...the tone of that text, probably "Xander".

-Zander, thank you. And...

-With an X.

-With an X.

-Oh. "Zander X." Yes.

No, no, no, no, stop.

Oh, sorry, spelt with an X!

LAUGHTER

-I thought it was a kiss.

-Bung a couple of kisses.

A kiss? "Xander X."

Actually, no, let's take the kiss away.

Let's be honest, this is the last person you want to kiss!

LAUGHTER

OK, we are going to send this text. You've been an amazing sport.

"Possibly the most awkward text I've ever had to send.

"If it was me I'd want to know. You have really bad breath.

"Please tell me I've done the right thing by telling you.

"Xander." No kiss.

OK, shall I send that?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

That's gone!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, what a fantastic sport and charming man.

Alexander Armstrong, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, of course, I'll be back later

to find out what responses Alexander gets.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure

that I welcome my next guests.

Their song Counting Stars has 1.5 billion hits

on YouTube and counting.

Here with their new single,

it's the Grammy nominated pop sensations, OneRepublic!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Days when

# We'd fight, we'd fight until I would give in

# Yeah, perfect disasters

# We were reaching, reaching for the rafters

# Hey

# And most of the days we were searching for ways

# To get up and get out of the town that we were raised

# Yeah, cos we were done

# I remember we were sleeping in cars

# We were searching for Oz, we were burning cigars

# With white plastic tips until we saw the sun

# And we said some crazy things like

# I refuse to look back thinking days were better

# Just because they're younger days

# I don't know what's round the corner

# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change

# Back when we were kids

# Swore we would never die

# You and me were kids

# Swear that we'll never die

# Lights down

# And we drive and we're driving just to get out

# Yeah, perfect disasters

# We were swinging, swinging from the rafters

# Hey

# We were dancing in cars, we were searching for Oz

# We were naming the stars after people we knew

# Until we had to go

# And we were saying things like

# I refuse to look back thinking days were better

# Just because they're younger days

# I don't know what's round the corner

# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change

# Back when we were kids

# Swore we would never die

# You and me were kids

# Swear that we'll never die

# Nights when we kept dancing

# Changing all our plans and

# Making every day a holiday

# Feel the years start turning

# City lights, they're burning

# Something about this feels the same

# Back when we were kids

# Whoo!

# Swore we would never die

# You and me were kids

# Whoo!

# Swear that we'll never die

# Oh, yeah!

# I refuse to look back thinking days were better

# Just because they're younger days

-# You and me were kids!

-I don't know what's round the corner

# Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change

# Back when we were kids

# Oh, swore we would never die. #

CHEERING

Thank you.

MICHAEL: OneRepublic, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING Bravo! Thank you very much!

Thank you for coming! Yeah! Boom!

OneRepublic! What about that?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Woohoo!

HE IMITATES RYAN'S FALSETTO: # Back when we were kids!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our

Unexpected Star Of The Show!

CHEERING

Every week on the Big Show,

we surprise a member of the public by making their dream come true

and giving them the opportunity to perform on this very stage.

CHEERING

So, let's meet tonight's Unexpected Star.

There she is. Aw! APPLAUSE

This is Brooke Guess.

She's only 12 years old. She's a schoolgirl from Milton Keynes.

She's been nominated by her mum and dad, Siobhan and Kevin,

who're in the audience tonight.

Let's hear it for Siobhan and Kevin! CHEERING

All right, so where are you? Hello, darling.

This is Mum Siobhan - lovely to meet you!

FAMILY CHEERS

-Mum Siobhan! And Dad Kev?

-Yeah!

-There you are! Now, I also gather

that there are quite a lot of people here supporting Brooke tonight.

Just a...? CHEERING

What an incredible section of people!

LAUGHTER Um...

And what have you got glowing on you? Something... "Amazing..."?

-I'm Brooke's grandad.

-You're Brooke's grandad?

-Yeah.

But why have you got, um, a sign? LAUGHTER

What does it say? It says "Grandpa" in neon writing...

LAUGHTER ..and then it flicks to "We..."

It's quite a lengthy process!

"We...love..." Very sweet!

I'm thinking "you"? Yes, it is, it's you!

LAUGHTER That's a very, very...

So you programme it? Oh, it's saying some more things!

"Traffic on the M25..."

I think you might've got a crossed signal!

-Siobhan?

-Yes.

-So tell us all about Brooke.

Um, Brooke's been singing since she was, well, two years old

and, since then, she's just sung and sung and sung.

-She doesn't stop singing.

-So this is a big deal?

-Huge!

How do you think she might handle performing for this many people?

-We've got 2,000 people in this theatre.

-I know.

-Has she ever performed for an audience this big?

-No.

But it's her dream.

-So, because she is 12 years old...

-Yes.

-..we didn't want her

walking out of the door of the corridor onto the stage...

-I know.

-..and giving her the fright of her life!

-Yeah.

Also, to get a child here on her own is also incredibly irresponsible!

LAUGHTER

So, rather than be irresponsible, we organised something today,

-which you were part of...

-Yes.

..then gave her a little bit of a surprise.

We told the children we were going to have a go on the London Eye

and then we were going to just walk around and see London.

-Right.

-So, we'd come into what we thought was

-a fortune-teller...

-You took her to our little secret room...

-Yeah.

-..adjacent to the theatre.

-I did, yes.

That's how it was this morning, and after we got our hands on it...

Yes! LAUGHTER

"Mystic Mac - Fortune Teller To The Stars."

-And that is where you took Brooke...

-Yes.

-..earlier today.

-We did!

-Well, let's have a look at what happened.

FOREIGN ACCENT: Hello! I am Mystic Mac -

Fortune Teller To The Stars and part-time minicab driver.

Very good at predicting traffic.

So, let me show you around where Brooke is going to come later.

She will be coming here to meet with me

and I will give her readings and predict her future.

She will notice how I am very celebrated.

There are photo over here, with me with Her Majesty the Queen.

Also with Beyonce, making joke with her. Ha-ha!

This was when we were having dessert in restaurant and she said,

"Would you like dessert?" and I said...

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly!

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly! #

And she laughed so much here.

I see you later. This will be fun, yes?

# Anything can happen! Anything can... #

-KEV:

-This looks horoscope-y.

"Fortune Teller To The Stars!"

-Ooh! Right!

-What do you reckon, Brooke?

-Shall we go in, then?

-Right, we'll go in.

-See you in a bit.

-See you later.

See you in a bit, Brooke. Bye.

BELL RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello!

-Thank you for coming.

-Nice to meet you.

-Don't tell. Siobhan?

-Yes!

-Yes! Hello!

-Is this lovely Brooke?

-Yeah.

-Shalom, welcome.

Please, would you like to come in?

This is my new place. What do you think? It looks nice?

-It's very nice!

-Yes. It's always very exciting

for first-timers to come. Please, yes, sit down.

-Thank you.

-Hello, yes, Brooke.

-Are you believers in...in future tellings?

-I am, definitely, yeah.

-Yes, you think?

-I like stuff like this.

I already know, because I can see future,

that this will be very successful! STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So if I give, please, left hand?

OK, so...

I can tell already, from this, 12 years old.

-Yes, 12 years old?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

And I can tell also you are unmarried, from this?

LAUGHTER Unmarried.

And I see no children or grandchildren at the moment?

-No other children, grandchildren, nothing like that?

-No.

-OK!

So this is palmistry. Now, I would like to show...

This is always a bit of fun. I can look into crystal ball here.

And it could be about you, it could be about anything, just pop out!

Let's see what happen.

HE GRUNTS

Artificial!

-Artificial?

-BROOKE GIGGLES

That is tomorrow's Countdown Conundrum.

LAUGHTER

OK, maybe I need more of your name. What is your surname, please?

-Um, Guess.

-Don't challenge me.

-Oh, sorry, I thought...

-It is actually Guess!

OK... THEY LAUGH

-Your name is Guess?

-Yes!

I am fortune-teller and your name is... I say, "What is name?"

You say, "Guess!" Sorry, I thought...

-Are you joke with me or is it real?

-No, no, genuinely, genuinely.

-If I was to guess, honestly, from heart...

-Mm-hm?

..I would have said your surname is...Guess.

STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS, IT DROWNS THEM OUT

Let me see if I can find other information about you.

-Do you have pets? A pet at home?

-Yes, I have.

-OK.

Lion?

-Smaller.

-It's smaller than lion.

-Yes.

-Sorry, I... Sorry. It's cat? Cat?

-Yes, a cat.

-You have more than one cat?

-Yes, I have more than one cat.

Freddie!

-Freddie?

-Yeah, Freddie!

-Freddie?

-Freddie!

-They are both called Freddie?

-No, one is called...

-No, don't tell me!

Gaz... Gaza... Gazza...

Ga... Giz... Geez... Geeza!

-Giz...

-Giz...?

-..mm-mm...

-Giz...

-Giz-mah...

-Gizmo!

-Yes!

-Gizmo! Come on!

-Yes!

Oh, it is starting to work.

OK, now I think about you, I see, um...

Ah, I see... # Baby... Baby...

# Baby, you're a firework! #

# I kissed a girl, like it! #

This is a singer on your wall? A poster? No?

SIOBHAN GIGGLES

-Katy Perry? Is person?

-Katy Perry!

-Yes, it's her songs?

-I feel I have done it right.

-Yes! Yes.

-Yes, I told you! This is good!

OK, now, I have a lot of energy come from you about singing?

-Singing.

-You like singing?

-I like to sing, yeah.

-Yes!

This is very strong for me, this. Yes, you like to sing.

-You like a lot?

-I like a lot of singing.

This feels everything, everything to me, coming to me about singing.

I see very big things for you, actually.

I see many people, many people happy, I see audience,

I see thousands, I see you alone singing.

I see... I see TV! TV show!

I see BBC One! Solid... solid ratings on this show.

LAUGHTER

-Is this dream for you, to sing?

-Yeah.

-Brooke, would you like to know when I see this?

-OK, yeah.

I see this tonight, Brooke.

OK!

Have you heard of Chinese comedian Michael McIntyre?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I tell you what I see when I look around this room as well.

I see... I see camera here. SIOBHAN LAUGHS

-I see camera here.

-You see a camera?

This beard seems to be falling off me a little bit.

I see... I see camera over there.

-In fact, even in here, is a man...

-Oh, my God! What's happening?

-SIOBHAN LAUGHS

-Oh, my God!

NORMAL VOICE: Also, I'm not sure that I am...a fortune-teller.

-AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER Oh, dear!

Oh, my gosh!

-Brooke, I am indeed Michael McIntyre!

-Oh, my gosh!

Let me tell you what's happening, Brooke.

Oh, my heart is, like, going, "Whoa! Whoa!"

Right next door is a theatre and, tonight,

it's going to be full of 2,000 people on

Michael McIntyre's Big Show and I can tell you that all your family

-and 40 of your friends are here...

-Oh, my gosh!

..to see you perform tonight, if you will agree to be

-my Unexpected Star Of The Show.

-Yes! Oh, my gosh, I'm shaking!

Come with me.

THEY LAUGH, AUDIENCE APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Brooke, there's a cameraman in there. He's actually in here.

Give him a wave!

Hi!

See you tonight, guys!

CHEERING

Aw, wasn't she amazing?

Please, give all your love for tonight's

Unexpected Star Of The Show. It's Brooke!

-KATY PERRY:

-# Baby, you're a firework

# Come on! Let your colours burst... #

CHEERING

Hello, darling! How are you feeling?

APPLAUSE DROWNS HER OUT Come on, over here.

Oh, look at Brooke!

CHEERING

This is big Team Brooke over here!

There they all are! Your mum and your dad and your bro!

Your grandpa! Brooke, you must tell us how you're feeling.

-Um, at the start, it was very, very, very overwhelming.

-Yeah.

But now, I'm just really enjoying it.

Yeah, you've had some time to rehearse?

Yeah, lots of rehearsals, everyone's been really kind and helpful.

Well, everybody is rooting for you massively,

aren't we, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING

It's my absolute pleasure to give you this opportunity,

um, and I'm sure you're going to be sensational.

-Can I just confirm you're up for this tonight?

-Definitely, yeah.

-OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show,

the absolutely adorable and wonderful, it's Brooke Guess!

CHEERING Well done, well done!

All right, Brooke's going to go and get ready and perform for us later.

Aw, she'll be amazing.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is quite simply

one of the country's finest and most successful comedians

and we're so lucky to have him here tonight.

It's the fabulous... Mr Russell Howard is here!

CHEERING

Hey! Hello!

Thank you very much!

Hello!

-ALL:

-Hello!

I love those moments in life when you feel glad to be alive.

I had one recently, in an elevator in America with my mum, right,

and I was quite depressed - I'd just read this story.

Apparently, Tesco no longer sell curved croissants.

We only sell straight ones, cos enough people wrote complaining

they struggle putting jam on curved croissants! That is a thing!

As a nation, we have been defeated by bendy bread! That's...

It's off the scale of stupid!

"Dear Tesco, not being funny, but I was going like that

"and suddenly there was jam on the table, so..."

How can you be that...? "Help! Tony, it's happening again!

"It's happening!"

So, I was in this elevator, a bit depressed, and then this woman

started laughing, just... HE LAUGHS SLOWLY AND DEEPLY

Really deep! "Hee-hee-hee!"

And I said, "Why are you laughing?" and this woman looked at me

and went, "Sugar, has anyone ever told ya you look like Ellen!"

HUGE LAUGHTER You've never heard... "Hee-hee!"

Everyone in the elevator! "Hee-hee, hee-hee!"

My mum was like, "She's got a point, Russ!

"You look like a powerful lesbian!"

My mum lives for those moments. Lives to embarrass me!

Now I'm famous, she loves it!

We were in a traffic jam the other day in a car.

This bloke got out of his car, knocked on the window,

"Excuse me, can I have a photo?" Now, that's fairly strange.

Do you know what my mum did? She genuinely went, "HELP!

"He's kidnapped me!"

SOME APPLAUSE Don't applaud her!

I said, quite reasonably, "What did you do that for?"

To which my mum went, "Cos I'm 57.

"I don't care."

APPLAUSE Brilliant, innit?

CHEERING

I miss my childhood, you know. Not all of it, obviously.

I don't miss the recorder! If you... Yeah!

If you went to school in the '90s, the hours...

And you've never needed that at a party - "This is a bit flat!"

HE TOOTS LOUDLY

Just a girl in the corner - "Aw, yeah!"

"Do you know Little Donkey?" "You know I do, baby doll!"

I also don't miss... Remember that creepy thing girls did at school?

"Pick a number. Pick a colour. Pick a number."

"What voodoo sorcery is this, Linda?"

"Pick a number. Pick a colour."

"Red." "R-E-D. NUMBER?" "All right, all right!"

"Three." "One, two, three.

"Everybody hates you."

But I do... I miss my childhood. Do you know why?

Because, as an adult, you have to plan fun, you know.

As a kid, it just arrived.

You remember the first time you saw a rainbow?

Do you remember that moment?

I was in the back of the car, "Dad, there's colours in the sky!"

"Well, that's a rainbow, son." "It has a name?!"

"Not only that, Russell, there's a pot of gold at the end of it

"and it's guarded by a tiny leprechaun."

"Pull over right now, Dad!"

Me and my brother got on our bikes... Did anyone else do that?

..rode to try and get the gold. Bet you didn't do this!

We took a knife, just in case the leprechaun "acted up"!

How different would my life have been if I'd bumped

into a tiny Irishman and went, "WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEPRECHAUN?!"

I come from a very silly family, right? Our favourite game to play is

the "mir" game. You have to play! It's really simple!

Like your dad might say something suggestive, so Dad might go,

"God, that back door's a bit stiff." And you go, "Mir!" right?

Let's do one now. Who wants a juicy sausage?

-ALL:

-Mir!

-Really simple!

We've been playing this game for 20 years.

Does my mum understand the rules? No!

Does it stop her from joining in? Absolutely not, my friends!

This is why I was lucky I was raised by such a joy monkey!

I said to her recently, "Do you want a cup of tea?" My mum went, "Mir!"

"Got you!" "You didn't get me, did you, you fabulous dumpling!

"Let's do this - it has to sound rude, but not be rude!

"How can a cup of tea possibly be rude?!"

And my mum looked at me and went,

"I don't know, Russ, you could pour it up your bum! Mir!"

Now, if you're lucky enough to be raised by a woman that fantastic,

it's a treat to take her places. I took her to a premiere recently,

which is kind of a bit of a thing to show off,

but I took her, because my sister was in a film, so we kind of went,

I had to buy my mum a handbag. That was a first! Five long hours!

In the end, I went, "Here's my cash card, my PIN number, you get it."

"Well, how much am I allowed to spend?"

"I don't know! How much is a handbag worth?"

"Well, how much do you think it's worth?"

"I don't know, shall we say 500 quid?" "Yes, we shall."

You know what she did?

She bought a handbag for 200 quid,

went to the cashpoint and took out the other 300!

We get to the premiere, right? We have our photo taken.

That's one of the funniest things. All the paps are there.

Normally, what happens - the lady celebs, they do this lovely thing

when they kind of walk up and they do the sideways, "Mwooh!" like that

and off they...off they wander. Nobody had taught Mum to do that.

So what did she do? She just ran at them, like that.

It's like watching a Yorkshire pudding move carrots out of the way.

LAUGHTER

I was sat there next to this woman I adore

and my little sister is on the silver screen.

My heart is beating with pride. It's beautiful, you know.

And then it happened, my friends. Halfway through that film,

my sister starts getting it on with an old man.

SHOUTING: Now, I don't know if you've ever sat down and drawn up

a list of things you don't EVER WANT TO SEE!

But I would argue that at the top of that list would be watching

your sweet angel of a little sister get off with a pensioner,

when you're sat next to your mum!

And my mum looked at me and went, "Mir!"

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Russell Howard, ladies and gentlemen. What about that!

What about that!

Yeah, we love Russell!

OK, ladies and gentlemen.

It is... Oh, you might notice that there's something up.

There are two additional screens on the stage and that is because

we're going to play a game called Soap Or Nope.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

So, what I need to play this game is quite simply someone

who is a soap opera fanatic.

Can you just raise your hand if you feel confident

about your knowledge of soap opera?

Let's have a look.

What's going on... Oh, there's somebody over there

who seems very keen, being nominated by her husband.

She looks very grumpy about the prospect.

Right, let's go and see.

-Not a soap fan?

-No.

-No? OK.

It sounds like I'm being really rude to people.

"Not a soap fan!

"Not a fan of soap yourself!" HE LAUGHS

Yeah! What's going on here? What's happening?

You're holding hands?

Are you...? Are you a soap fan?

-Yeah.

-My nana is.

Aw, Nana is.

What's your name, Nana?

-Doreen.

-Doreen.

-Yeah.

What soaps d'you enjoy?

-Um, I like Emmerdale.

-Emmerdale.

-Um, Coronation Street.

-Corrie.

-Yeah.

-Yeah? EastEnders?

-Now and again, yeah.

-Not such a fan?

Just bear in mind, Doreen, this is a BBC television show.

LAUGHTER

So we'll ask that again. So your favourite soap, EastEnders?

-Yeah.

-Brilliant!

Well, I think we might have found our family.

Doreen, are you up for playing Soap Or Nope?

-Go on, then!

-Yeah!

Yay! All right, Doreen, if I could just ask you to stand up, please,

for me, I will explain the plan on Soap Or Nope.

Let's find out a little bit about yourself. Where are you from?

I'm from Kilham in Driffield, near Bridlington.

-Lovely. Three different places...

-Yeah.

-..I've never heard of.

OK, thank you for coming. I'm going to explain the rules to you.

On this stage, is the Soap Or Nope set.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

We are going to release human beings on a conveyor belt.

They're going to pop out on the left and they're going to slowly

make their way across the stage.

Some of them will be soap stars - hence the "soap" -

and some of them will not, those will be the "nope".

Let me just briefly demonstrate to you how this is going to work.

So, basically, Doreen, you will be focusing and you have until the

end of the conveyor belt to guess whether the person is Soap Or Nope.

All right? CHEERING

Right? You get that, Doreen?

And, of course, the audience are here to help you.

And there might be prizes and surprises, OK?

So, Doreen, in order to play this game,

I'm going to have to get you your own microphone and mic you up.

-Is that OK, Doreen?

-Yes.

-You up for that?

Fantastic. All right, so let's have a huge hand for Doreen.

This lovely lady here is going to take you and get you miked up.

Doreen, everyone!

OK, when Doreen returns, she will be miked up, so we can hear her

play Soap Or Nope, but there will be a big plot twist.

EASTENDERS DRUM THEME PLAYS

At the end of Soap Or Nope,

the last person who comes out is going to be a lady called Gwen.

Gwen is Doreen's best friend in the world.

They've been pen pals for 70 years,

but they have never, ever met each other.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Gwen has been flown over from Australia to be here tonight.

APPLAUSE And Doreen has no idea.

This is a very emotional moment!

So, tell us about Doreen and Gwen.

Well, they've been pen pals for 70 years. They've gone through

the Second World War, births, deaths, marriages.

They've wrote to each other every couple of weeks,

and it's her 80th birthday coming up at the end of the month,

so I wanted to do something really special on behalf of the family.

And this is Doreen's husband.

Roy, how do you think she's going to react?

Do you think she's going to...? She must recognise her, obviously.

-She won't believe it.

-Aw.

-It sounds like it's going to be a wonderful surprise for her.

-Yes.

But, obviously, nobody give the game away.

First, we'll play Soap Or Nope, and then Gwen will come out at the end.

And, hopefully, it'll all work,

and she'll recognise Gwen and we'll have a lovely moment.

There's a small chance she'll just go, "Soap!",

and then it just goes off, and we go, "Awkward!"

But, ladies and gentlemen, you're all in on this,

so no giving it away. Let's get her back.

All right!

Welcome back. This is going to be fun.

-OK, so if I can ask you to stand.

-Yes.

-The audience can help you.

So, let's play Soap Or Nope.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What do you say, Doreen?

-Soap.

-Soap?

Yes. Shaun Williamson, of course, Barry Evans from EastEnders.

She got that right! Well done. Well done, Doreen.

OK. Let's go with our second one, please.

Soap or nope?

Ooh, what do we think about this one, Doreen? Soap or nope?

What do we think, audience?

Nope.

That lady's name is Emma Dale.

Let's go again, please. Soap or nope?

What do we think of this? What do we think?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-What are you saying? What are you saying?

-I'll say soap.

She's gone soap.

That is the correct answer!

-That is Maisie Smith, who played Tiffany Butcher in EastEnders.

-Yeah.

-Did you recognise Maisie all grown up?

-Yeah.

-Sensational.

-No, I didn't know, actually.

-No, you didn't know. All right.

You've got the Midas touch. You are on a roll. Let's go again.

Soap or nope?

-This is very exciting.

-Oh, yeah, definitely soap.

Definitely soap.

Yes, of course, it's Roxanne Pallett, Jo Stiles in Emmerdale.

There she is!

All right, Doreen, next up.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, that is soap.

-Soap.

-She's gone soap.

-Yeah.

-Nope.

-Oh!

-That...

-Oh, it looked like her on soap.

-..is a Kat Moon lookalike.

SYMPATHETIC GROANS

-She's actually called Stephanie Kramer.

-Never heard of her.

"Never heard of her!"

That's cos she was a nope, Doreen.

OK, let's play again, please.

-What do we think? Soap or nope?

-Nope, I don't know her.

-Nope?

She's gone nope, and that is the correct answer.

It's Gail with a plait. She's a student from Essex.

You loved that, guys!

You are doing so spectacularly well at Soap Or Nope,

only fooled by the lookalike.

All right, Soap Or Nope, for the last one.

Definitely soap.

Is it? Is it?

Is it not soap?

-Let's go and have a closer look.

-Oh. No, I've seen her face before.

Do you want to have a closer look, Doreen?

-Oh...

-Definitely soap...

-Oh, I know who it is!

It's me pen pal in Australia!

Gwen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

At last! At long last!

Thank you for being here!

Oh, my!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gwen and Doreen. What about that?

71 years I've been writing to her.

-71 years you've been writing to her?

-Yeah.

-And you've never met until this day?

-No.

-That's unbelievable.

-Yeah, it's lovely.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Such a wonderful moment.

How are you feeling, Gwen?

Well, I know. Very emotional, I think.

Very emotional. After all this time.

71 years!

I was nine years old, at school. They asked if I wanted a pen pal

and I said yes when I was nine years old, yeah.

-And you've stayed in touch all this time.

-Yes.

-Yes.

And after all this time, you thought she was a soap star.

LAUGHTER

You thought, "Oh, she's from Neighbours."

I never expected...

-That's unbelievable.

-That's lovely.

How does it feel meeting her now, though?

Absolutely brilliant. So excited.

It's great.

Listen, it's been wonderful for all of us to witness this.

And even more wonderful cos we didn't know

how this was going to go.

When you just went, "Definitely soap."

LAUGHTER

Such a wonderful moment.

Your family is so pleased. Your husband is just over the moon

to give you this moment. And you're going to head now

to our royal box and watch the rest of the show together.

You've got a lot to talk about and catch up on.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Gwen and Doreen.

Amazing, what a lovely moment.

Thank you so much for coming, thank you.

Gwen and Doreen!

CHEERING

OK, so, earlier tonight, as you may recall, Alexander Armstrong agreed

to hand over his mobile phone and I sent this message to his contacts...

Well, the replies have come in and I think it's time for us to

play Celebrity Send To All with Alexander Armstrong.

CHEERING

-OK, well, let's see what's been happening. Jonathan Yeo.

-Yeah.

-Who's that?

-Jonny Yeo, he's a friend.

-Jonny Yeo.

-Mm.

Oh, my goodness.

He's just put, "I'm guessing you meant to send that to my wife."

LAUGHTER

Wow, you've got - I'm going to say it -

some relatively posh names in your phone.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong. You decide.

Octavius Black.

LAUGHTER

Is that a person you know or a character from Harry Potter?

It's a person, it's a real person.

OK. Oh, God, straight to the point this guy. Will Brown...

-Is this a real person? Will Browne-Swinburne.

-It is, yeah.

Who's Will Browne-Swinburne?

-He's a friend... Well, he WAS a friend.

-OK, he WAS a friend.

He's just straight to the point.

"Sorry about the breath, Xander, thank you for letting me know.

"I'll get something done about it."

LAUGHTER

"Love to all, Willy."

"Get something done about it"! Oh, God, Will.

OK, Jamie, Jamie T.

Mm-hmm.

-Who's that?

-Not the singer, Jamie Theakston.

Jamie Theakston, lovely Jamie Theakston.

"If it smells, it must be pretty bad. I'm in Rome right now."

LAUGHTER

It's very good.

Oh, now, we stumble upon Upholstery Jayne.

XANDER GASPS

Oh, no!

OK.

Jayne with a Y? Upholsterer?

Yup. So what did she upholster for you?

-Oh, she's done some chairs for us.

-Chairs?

-Yeah.

"Xander, probably the most awkward text I've ever replied to.

"Especially as I haven't spoken to you for at least two years.

"Is THAT why you forgot to pick up your chair?"

LAUGHTER

She's ended it with, "Oh, and of course you were right to tell me.

"Jayne." "Is that why you didn't pick up your chair?"

For two years she's been sitting watching Pointless on

the chair that you never picked up

thinking, "Why, why has Xander never picked up this chair?"

She's currently sitting at home doing that.

HE EXHALES

-Claire Charrington. Friend of yours?

-Yeah, my assistant.

-Oh, your assistant?

-Yes.

Oh, your assistant!

Oh, no!

That's bad, it is bad. Oh, no, that's bad.

She's lovely, though.

"Awkward, to say the least, it's probably work-stress related."

LAUGHTER

I'll text her back - "Still no excuse."

Joking, joking, joking. Joking.

Oh, my goodness, if it isn't Hugh Bonneville.

Of course, we all were expecting, sooner or later, Bonneville

to show up in Xander's phone. "You are a true friend. Thank you.

"I'll get on to the hygienist first thing.

"By the way, remember I joked about some drunk who pooed in my

"dad's wash basin at my 40th?

"I know it was you.

"Hashtag CCTV."

There's a story there.

"Hugh B, kiss."

Charlotte Church is in. "Is this a hoax?" She's on to it, Churchy.

That's not Charlotte Church,

that's actually... That's someone called Charlotte from the church.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God.

I am so sorry to assume that that was Welsh songstress

Charlotte Church.

Of course, it's somebody called Charlotte from the church.

-OK. Rob the plumber. I'm assuming he's the plumber...

-He's the plumber.

-..and he's called Rob.

-He's called Rob, yeah.

"Don't care if my breath smells as long as you pay my invoice."

Thank you so much, you've been beyond a good sport.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for the incredibly brave Alexander Armstrong.

CHEERING

It's not Charlotte Church, it's Charlotte from the church. Amazing.

Very best of luck with the album. Alexander Armstrong,

ladies and gentlemen. Fantastic.

Oh, it's Gwen and Doreen up there. Hi, guys.

Look at you in the posh seats!

You're holding hands up there.

-Yeah.

-This is so sweet.

Very, very sweet.

So, earlier today, schoolgirl Brooke got the biggest surprise of

her life when I asked her to be our Unexpected Star Of The Show.

She's been getting ready backstage with the help of our team,

so let's find out how her day has been unfolding.

-This looks horoscope-y.

-My first customers.

-The whole day, it just all feels like a dream, a blur.

-I see TV show.

A thing that I'm just going to wake up

tomorrow and think, "What happened?"

Brooke, I am indeed Michael McIntyre.

I'll have to sing as the Unexpected Star and I'm shaking...lots!

It's just crazy.

-You've got recorders on?

-Yeah.

This has been something I've always wanted to do -

perform in front of lots of different people.

It's definitely a dream come true, yeah.

For Brooke, this, I think,

is probably the biggest moment of her life and obviously this

is the biggest audience she's ever performed in front of.

Millions of people at home, I just hope everything comes together

as one for this big performance.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Let's do it.

Standing on the stage, I think it will be quite overwhelming

but I'll try and do my best.

-Are you happy?

-Yeah.

We are set.

APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come.

My next guest is about to give us the performance of her life.

And then it's bath, teeth and bed.

Put your hands together, please,

for our youngest ever Unexpected Star Of The Show.

It's 12-year-old Brooke, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

# If I

# Shou...would stay

# I would only be

# In your way

# So I'll go

# But I know

# I'll think of you every step of the way

# And I-I-I

# Will always love you

# I will always

# Love you

# You

# My darling, you

# Mm

# I hope life treats you kind

# And I hope you have all you've dreamed of

# And I wish you joy and happiness

# But above all this, I wish you love

# And I-I-I

# Will always love you

# I will always love you

# I will always love you

# Oh, I will always love you

# I will always love

# You

# I will always love you. #

CHEERING

Yay!

Come on up, Mum and Dad. Come on.

You were brilliant, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show, Brooke.

What about that? How are you feeling?

I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm happy, yeah, I'm happy. I'm very happy.

Well, you did fantastically well, didn't she? Wonderful.

CHEERING

-Was that everything you hoped it would be?

-More, more.

Absolutely adorable. Thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Brooke.

The absolutely sensational little star that she is. Brooke!

A huge thank you to all my guests this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

See you next week for another Big Show.