Episode 3 Morgana Robinson's The Agency


Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Oh...butterfingers!

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EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy has come up with a plan

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to give something back to the local community

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by setting up a fame school.

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Well, I've learned a lot from my career in showbiz on EastEnders

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from 1993 to 1998,

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2002 to 2005,

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and 2011 to the present day.

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And I would like to leave a legacy so that young, talented people

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from around here also have the opportunity

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to live the life that I've got.

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-Nat, where's my bollock cream?

-I told ya.

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It's in the biscuit drawer.

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The first thing I need to do is drum up some business.

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This is toothpaste.

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No, it ain't, it just looks like toothpaste, Dad.

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Don't put it in your mouth.

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This is Mann Management,

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one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.

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Their illustrious client base is managed by agent to the stars

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Vincent Mann.

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What does it take to be a great agent?

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The capacity to see talented, often fragile human beings as livestock.

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In an unprecedented move, he's given our documentary crew

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unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients,

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one of whom is EastEnders star and sometime fitness guru

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Natalie Cassidy.

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-What's all this crap over the floor?

-It's not crap. It's me future.

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I'm doing me fame school, ain't I?

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You can't just set up a fame school, Natalie, you ain't got no pupils.

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That's what these flyers are for, silly.

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They're queueing round the block for Joe Swash's pooch parlour.

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Gie's a look.

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Mind my nails.

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-Who's Natalie Cassipy?

-Oh, you're double-joking!

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Oh, bloody hell!

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I've just done 3,000 of these and a giant banner.

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I've just done all the traffic lights.

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Is that why you're dressed as a lollipop lady?

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No, you doughnut, I've been sticking laminated posters on the lampposts

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-from here to the trunk road.

-Why, Nat?

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Well, the traffic's a nightmare, ain't it?

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It's a captive audience, Kat.

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Oh, bloody hell, what are we going to do?

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I ain't got time for reprints, and the first class is in four hours.

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Don't look at me. It's Fat Karen's hen-do tonight.

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Do they do red Tippex?

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Dad? Can you Google red Tippex?

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I'm doing me bollocks.

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After that, can you Google red Tippex?

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No?

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Oh, dear, dear, dear.

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With a burgeoning roster of celebrity clients,

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the operation of Mann Management requires some careful planning.

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A job that is the sole responsibility

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of Vincent's assistant Rachel.

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This is my new schedule.

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It's a block system because time is made from blocks,

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I saw that on Brian Cox.

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Anyway, today is a good test of the new system

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because today is my birthday.

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So I'm hoping to knock off a bit early

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-and go out for a meal with my family.

-Who?

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This is your family, Rach.

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It is, Vin, but I'm talking about my real family.

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Well, this family pays your wages. How's that for real?

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I'll level with you, it's not an ideal day to try and get away early.

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I'm looking after Adele.

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Hello.

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It's me.

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I mean, it is Rachel's birthday

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and I would look after Adele myself, but, you know...

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I'm having a nightmare day, right?

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Colette, who looks after my dog when I'm working,

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has been called up the school because her Jackson

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has been throwing Lil-Lets around in double French.

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He reckons he thought they were devil bangers,

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but Miss Taylor's gone all feminist since she's seen Suffragettes

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and sent him out. He's crawled out underneath the maths hut

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and now Colette's trying to coax him out with a king-size Snickers.

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Well, all we've got today is the press junket for the new album.

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Yeah, I do feel for Colette, but her sister Lauren is

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proper going through it, yeah, cos Chinese Barry is standing

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outside her house for an hour every lunchtime.

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And the police won't move him on cos he's always eating

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a sandwich and wearing aviators,

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so you can't actually prove he's watching her illegally.

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The junket's in half an hour, so the quicker we get going...

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Yeah, I just need one quick stop-off before we get there, though,

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-cos me nan always has a knuckle of pork on a Friday.

-Yeah.

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She'll only have pork from Tony's in Tottenham cos she feels sorry

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for him ever since his wife fell off that ladder and onto them twins.

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You can always do it after.

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And I would do it after, but I've got to go Supervets to pick up

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dog paracetamol cos Bruce is having his balls cut off on Monday.

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Oh, have I told you about Leanne's sunburn?

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Can you tell me in the car?

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All she wanted was a base tan before her and Carl go Thailand.

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He does that Krav Maga, but he hasn't had a fight since he was 11

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when he killed a postman by accident.

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I'm not even joking. One punch, straight out.

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But Geordie Kevin got hold of some proper strong skunk...

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In an attempt to salvage her fame school promotion,

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Natalie Cassidy has found a solution to her printing predicament.

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That's come up lovely, that has.

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That's a relief.

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Anyone would think that was a D and not a P now, wouldn't they?

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-Ooh!

-PHONE RINGS

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Business head on.

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Hello.

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Yes, the classes will go on for two hours with a break in the middle

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for crisps, tea and parental smoking.

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Sorry, I can't hear you, you're going to have to shout.

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Hello?

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Hey, Sonia, where's the trumpet?

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Well, you'll find out if you come to me class, won't ya?

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CAR HORN TOOTS

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Excuse me, sorry, I'm on the trunk road.

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No, we've not got a Facebook page.

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No, we've not got a Twitter page.

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CAR HORNS BLARE

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No, we've not got a website.

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They're coming round again.

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Yes, I am very excited.

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We've got a venue up the Centre, we've already had three inquiries.

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One was Kat asking for me to bring the car back,

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but that's still two, ain't it?

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I know it don't seem much, but what's it people say?

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From tiny acorns massive trees do grow. Don't they?

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It's a rare day off for TV's Gregg Wallace.

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But even in his downtime,

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the renowned presenter finds it hard to truly switch off.

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I like it.

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I like it.

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-I don't like it.

-Excuse me?

-Hello.

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Are you that Gregg who eats other people's food off the telly?

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-Yes, I am, love.

-Do you think I could have a selfie?

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Of course you can, my love.

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My friends will never believe I met that bloke who eats

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other people's food off the telly.

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-My phone's in here somewhere.

-No rush.

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You got two minutes!

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-Here it is.

-Right.

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-Yes!

-I've got to tell you, I really like the way you like some things

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and you don't like other things.

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I like that you like that.

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I like your boots, but I do not like your hair.

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-Classic.

-Your time's up!

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-Time to start plating up.

-Legend.

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With an open door to Vincent's clients, we were able

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to ask the stars some more pertinent questions about their celebrity.

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Who would I ask to a fancy dinner party?

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Well, I'd probably have to invite Dad,

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so it would be Dad, Duncan from Blue and my hero, Sally Gunnell.

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Mega.

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Ben Shephard, Reggie Yates,

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Caroline Flack, Gino D'Acampo,

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Scott Mills, Grimmy, of course,

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Alexa Chung and Stephen Mulhern.

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How good does that sound?

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Bobby Moore, Hitler and Gandhi.

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We'd have vegetarian sushi served up on a naked Playboy bunny.

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Gandhi'd love that.

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If I was being pushed,

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it would have to be all 20 of the Chippendales

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drunk and out of their tiny minds.

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I'll have a fantasy lock-in and I'll invite my pals -

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Bagels, Tommo and a few birds from me manor.

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And ET, I'd love to get right on it with ET.

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Well, there's me, darling Binky, Boo-Boo, Corky,

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Dame P, Buffy, Duffy, Stuffy,

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Mags, Gentry and a Gurkha or three.

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Fabulous.

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That's a no-brainer.

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I'd invite all me best girls - Kimberly, Nicola, Sarah...

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and that sour-faced Irish cow whose name escapes me.

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Like all revolutionary ideas,

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Russell Brand's dream to build the perfect society needs financing.

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So Russell has gathered some potential investors

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via a classified advert in the local newspaper.

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It is time to show our omnipresent overlords

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that if the people sing with one voice and invest heavily,

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that anything is possible.

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Behold Utopia!

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-Yes, my liege?

-It looks like Center Parcs.

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To the unenlightened, maybe.

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But to the enlightened, it looks like a Shangri-La

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of wonderment and hope with absolutely no affiliation

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with any roofed holiday resort whatsoever.

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Any other questions?

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Any questions not related to Center Parcs?

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As a staunch proletarian, Russell has come up with

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an ingenious method to make living in Utopia affordable for everyone.

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I'm offering a once-in-a-lifetime deal

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where multiple parties can purchase

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allotted time periods in the same home,

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so that everyone can get to live in Utopia for a few weeks a year.

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Like a time-share?

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It is not a time-share.

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No.

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It's a time-share.

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This is a unique and bespoke system by which several families

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can use chalet dwellings at different seasonal intervals.

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-Well, that's a time-share.

-It is not a time-share.

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Time-share, time-share...

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A-ha! Time-share.

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"The arrangement whereby several joint owners..."

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OK, it might be a time-share.

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So, how much is it to invest?

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Not much, just got to cover the overheads -

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the mucking out of the zoo animals,

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pay for the upkeep of the chocolate fountain,

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meditation patio and whatnot.

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So, how much?

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£1.2 million each.

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ALL GASP

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Well, it's a small price to pay for harmony.

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Here, Trevor, you're a normal person. Is that too much?

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At Tony's butcher's in Tottenham,

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global megastar Adele is buying a knuckle of pork for her nan.

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For Rachel, this is a serious threat to her birthday celebrations.

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She wasn't there because she was actually on a blind date

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with Johnny who does haircuts at Hobbs.

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He does them muscleman competitions even though he's

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only got four fingers on his cutting hand.

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He says it actually makes him faster, but it don't - gutted.

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Adele, I'm just going to say, we're two hours late now,

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so maybe just order your nan's meat.

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Yeah, cos meat is the only thing Johnny can eat now apart from

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oatcakes and boiled sweets,

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-cos them protein shakes have proper blocked up his arsehole.

-Oh.

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He has to do Pilates before he craps so his intestines relax,

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-which is no good at work cos they ain't got the floor space.

-Please.

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Everyone thinks Pilates is just like yoga,

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but Debbie can't do yoga cos she borrowed her brother's

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football boots for hockey and now her knees point together.

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Knuckle of pork, Tony!

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She wants a knuckle of pork.

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Sorry. I'm just quite conscious of time.

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Gutted.

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The big moment has finally arrived for Natalie Cassidy's Fame School.

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And with her students due at any moment,

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Nat has come prepared to impart her showbiz wisdom.

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I just hope I've brought enough snacks.

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I've got red and orange squash, mini quiches, Bacon Fries,

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oh, and some Quavers for veggies on the side

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and for the ones with the religious diets.

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Well, diversity is part of our Fame School's remit, ain't it?

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Right, so, a little birdie tells me that you lot want to be famous.

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Am I right?

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Well, let me tell you - acting, dancing, singing,

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fitness videos, presenting the health lottery, it ain't easy.

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And I didn't become lesbian Sonia out of EastEnders overnight,

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I can tell you.

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DOOR OPENS

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Excuse me, we've got this room booked

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for Kimberley Walsh's Fame Academy of Excellence.

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Blimey, that's a good name.

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No, you can't, Kimberley, there must be a mistake.

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Nat Cassidy's Fame School is on Thursdays in the main hall now.

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-Says who?

-Says me, I sorted it with Jill.

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Well, they've double-booked, then.

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You'd better go and find Jill and get your money back, eh, love?

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Oh, you're mega-joking!

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Can't we come to some sort of arrangement?

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Maybe we could split the hall in half.

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What, mix Kimberley Walsh's Fame Academy of Excellence

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with Natalie Cassipy's Fame School?

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I don't think so, do you?

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You've got to ask yourself, Nat, what really qualifies you

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to be giving fame lessons anyway?

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EastEnders.

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Girls Aloud.

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-The Health Lottery.

-Shrek Musical.

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Strictly.

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Strictly.

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-Where did you come, then?

-Fifth out of 16.

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Second. That's runner-up.

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I win.

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The Kimberley Walsh Fame Academy of Excellence is now welcoming

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new students at a discount fee. For today only.

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I guess that's show business, ain't it, Nat?

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She's right actually, kids, that is show business.

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You could learn a lot from her.

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Here, have a sausage roll, anyway.

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Go on, then, fill your boots.

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'Turns out, teaching people to be famous'

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is even more cut-throat than being famous.

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Ooh, I'd better get that banner off the trunk road.

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I can't leave it there now there's no Fame School.

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It's basically litter with my name on it.

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Well, Natalie Cassipy's name on it.

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At Mann Management,

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Vincent has been called in to an emergency meeting with Danny Dyer.

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Danny has bad news. He's been the victim of a cyber crime.

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-Well, how bad is it?

-It's a sex tape thing, it ain't good.

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-But who's in it?

-Me.

-I know, but who's the other person?

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-Well, it ain't that simple, Vin.

-Don't tell me it's persons. Plural.

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-No.

-What is it, a bloke?

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-No, it's just me.

-It's a sex tape with just you in it?

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Yeah.

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-Having a Barclays, banging one out.

-But who filmed it?

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Done it on my selfie stick.

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One-handed.

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Someone's nicked it off my iCloud.

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All right. Give me the details and I'll sort it.

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If this blows up, you're going to need to clean your image up a bit.

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You need a political issue.

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Russell Brand, Charlotte Church, done them all right.

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Anything you're passionate about?

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I think there's too many disabled parking spaces everywhere.

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Yeah, don't tell people that. What about...

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..BADGERS?!

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People love badgers.

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Done wonders for Brian May.

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Get involved with the badger cull. Make yourself look caring.

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And film yourself doing it.

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Sweet. I'll get me selfie stick.

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WHISTLING

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My advice to someone trying to make it in showbiz would be this.

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If you want something you've never had,

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just go out there,

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grab it with both hands,

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and stick it in your mouth!

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Job done! Lovely!

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One piece of advice.

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Teeth.

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They're your passport to success, darling.

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Look after them,

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treat them like your best friend,

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and take them out occasionally.

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Get your boat out there.

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Earn yourself a bit of bees and honey,

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but when it gets right on top,

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look after your swede,

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and your swede will look after you. I can't put it plainer than that.

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Easy, mate. Just be fricking amazingness.

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Think of an idea, anything will do.

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Tweet it, Instagram it,

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get it on your Facebook, Vine it,

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Snapchat it, bit of Pinterest,

0:17:270:17:29

and then make shed loads of wonga.

0:17:290:17:31

Just came to me, mate. Ha!

0:17:310:17:32

Easy peasy.

0:17:320:17:34

Get yourself a catchphrase. Mm-hm!

0:17:340:17:35

Go on, Sue, give them what they want.

0:17:350:17:37

And baaaaaaake.

0:17:370:17:39

Classic! Again?

0:17:390:17:41

And baaaaaaake.

0:17:410:17:43

Top Of The Pops!

0:17:430:17:44

And baaaaaaake.

0:17:440:17:45

Never gets boring!

0:17:450:17:47

And baaaaaaake.

0:17:470:17:48

One piece of advice for someone trying to make it into showbiz...

0:17:490:17:53

Your safest bet is probably Kate Moss.

0:17:530:17:56

This is where I'm going to have a meditation...

0:17:580:18:01

Having failed with the classified advert,

0:18:010:18:03

Russell Brand's last hope is a couple of would-be investors

0:18:030:18:06

that he's found via a Twitter appeal.

0:18:060:18:09

I love Russell Brand.

0:18:110:18:12

He's so funny.

0:18:120:18:13

I love it when he talks about his winkle.

0:18:140:18:16

He doesn't talk about his winkle enough any more.

0:18:180:18:21

While Stuart is clearly sold,

0:18:210:18:23

wife Hannah is going to take a little more persuasion.

0:18:230:18:25

So, what do you think?

0:18:250:18:27

Wow, it's amazing, Russell!

0:18:270:18:29

Is this it?

0:18:290:18:31

This virgin slice of Albion land is a barren canvas of possibility.

0:18:310:18:36

No, it's a shithole.

0:18:360:18:37

HE GUFFAWS

0:18:370:18:39

Are you a heckler, Hannah?

0:18:390:18:40

Cos I will have you removed!

0:18:400:18:42

She's not a heckler, Russell.

0:18:420:18:43

Then on with the tour.

0:18:450:18:46

(What does he mean by that?)

0:18:470:18:49

You're heckling him.

0:18:490:18:50

I myself will teach each child an array of different subjects,

0:18:510:18:55

and at the age of 16,

0:18:550:18:56

the child will be released into the wild to fend for itself

0:18:560:19:01

with just a small packet of seeds

0:19:010:19:02

and a Krishna statue.

0:19:020:19:04

What do you reckon?

0:19:040:19:05

It sounds like total bullshit.

0:19:050:19:07

Will you just excuse me for a minute?

0:19:090:19:11

Trevor, I want her removed.

0:19:140:19:18

There is no room in our egalitarian society for any form of dissent.

0:19:180:19:22

That's not the spirit of Utopia, is it, Russell?

0:19:230:19:26

I refer you to my previous statement.

0:19:260:19:28

'Scuse me, love.

0:19:330:19:34

Would you like to have a look at the holistic ball pool

0:19:340:19:36

that Russell's got me digging?

0:19:360:19:37

Depends how far away it is.

0:19:370:19:39

-It's the other side of the field.

-From him?

0:19:390:19:40

-Mm.

-Yeah.

0:19:400:19:42

I just came up with holistic ball pool.

0:19:420:19:44

I don't even know what that is.

0:19:440:19:46

It's up to you, Stu.

0:19:490:19:50

But do you know who else lets his wife

0:19:500:19:52

help decide important life matters like this?

0:19:520:19:54

Robert Mugabe.

0:19:540:19:56

Really?

0:19:560:19:57

And do you know who forgets all of the negativity

0:19:570:20:00

and just goes with his heart?

0:20:000:20:02

Bono.

0:20:020:20:04

So the question you need to ask yourself is,

0:20:040:20:07

do you want to be Robert Mugabe

0:20:070:20:09

or Bono?

0:20:090:20:11

I want to be Bono, Russell.

0:20:110:20:12

Course you do.

0:20:120:20:13

So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

0:20:130:20:15

I'll have to talk to Hannah.

0:20:150:20:16

Can I be honest with you, Stu?

0:20:180:20:19

Hannah is not on the same spiritual plane as you, and as a result...

0:20:190:20:24

..is not welcome here.

0:20:250:20:26

Can I be honest with you, Russell?

0:20:260:20:28

I haven't got a pot to piss in.

0:20:280:20:30

She's the one with the money.

0:20:300:20:32

Hold up, Trevor!

0:20:320:20:34

I need an Arcadian confab with Hannah!

0:20:340:20:37

Do you think he'll sign my T-shirt if I ask him?

0:20:400:20:42

Having finally delivered Adele to the press junket,

0:20:440:20:47

Rachel is clinging to the hope

0:20:470:20:48

that she might still make it to her birthday celebrations.

0:20:480:20:51

She only finished with him when he met that Bulgarian pole dancer,

0:20:520:20:55

who ended up going on Love Island with that Arsenal defender

0:20:550:20:57

with the dreadlocks. Gutted.

0:20:570:20:59

Lovely. Thank you.

0:20:590:21:01

-Not sure that's strictly what I was asking, but...

-Yes.

0:21:010:21:04

The answer's yes.

0:21:040:21:05

She did play some drums in the single.

0:21:050:21:06

Last couple of questions now, please. We're a bit pushed for time.

0:21:060:21:09

What's your favourite memory?

0:21:090:21:11

No memories! No.

0:21:110:21:13

Sorry, we'll be here all day.

0:21:130:21:14

OK.

0:21:150:21:16

Would you say this album is as autobiographical

0:21:160:21:19

as its predecessors?

0:21:190:21:20

Let's answer this with a quick yes or no, shall we? Yes.

0:21:200:21:22

Yes. It is.

0:21:220:21:24

(Last question.)

0:21:240:21:25

Seriously? That's my answer?

0:21:250:21:26

Seriously. It is.

0:21:260:21:28

Last question.

0:21:290:21:30

How's your sister-in-law, Adele?

0:21:330:21:34

Lindsay? Yeah, mate.

0:21:340:21:36

I seen her on Tuesday.

0:21:360:21:37

She can only do Tuesdays now cos Andy's moved back in with his mum

0:21:370:21:40

after the baby was born with acid reflux.

0:21:400:21:42

He can't do with the screaming,

0:21:420:21:44

she can't do with the attitude, and now she reckons

0:21:440:21:46

he's been banging that skinny Bex from Ryman's.

0:21:460:21:49

He only likes her cos she gets a 20% discount off lever arch files,

0:21:490:21:52

and rubbers, and protractors.

0:21:520:21:54

The stupidest of the stupid questions we're asked is do you...

0:21:560:22:01

..Mel and Sue...

0:22:010:22:02

BOTH: ..actually live together?

0:22:020:22:04

And the answer to that is a resounding yes, my love.

0:22:040:22:07

There's us, Mel and Sue.

0:22:110:22:13

My cat, Arthur C Clarke.

0:22:130:22:15

Our two goldfish, Mel and Sue.

0:22:150:22:17

No relation. ROFL.

0:22:170:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:20

Oh, and Tim!

0:22:210:22:23

My husband.

0:22:230:22:25

Hello. I'm Tim.

0:22:250:22:26

I'm Mel's husband.

0:22:260:22:28

And I live with Mel.

0:22:280:22:29

And Sue.

0:22:300:22:31

Tonight is a big night out for Mel and Tim,

0:22:350:22:38

but for Tim,

0:22:380:22:39

getting ready is easier said than done.

0:22:390:22:41

You haven't seen my phone charger, have you, Mel?

0:22:410:22:45

-No, sorry, love.

-Oh.

0:22:450:22:46

How about my Oyster card? That's gone missing as well.

0:22:460:22:49

Have you seen that?

0:22:490:22:50

No, silly, it's the Pride Of Britain awards, we'll get a cab.

0:22:500:22:53

Not without my left shoe, we won't.

0:22:530:22:54

-Oh! Your stuff keeps going missing at the moment.

-I know.

0:22:540:22:57

-It's very unlike me, isn't it?

-Yeah. Sue looks good, though.

0:22:570:23:00

Come here, hunky hubs.

0:23:000:23:02

DOOR OPENS

0:23:030:23:04

Whoa! My eyes!

0:23:040:23:06

Matron, take them away!

0:23:060:23:07

Hello, Sue!

0:23:070:23:08

Here, you couldn't help our dear Tim, could you?

0:23:080:23:10

He seems to have misplaced a few things.

0:23:100:23:12

No, really, don't worry about it.

0:23:120:23:14

No, go on, Tim. What have you lost?

0:23:140:23:15

You can tell your old mate, Sue.

0:23:150:23:17

Hmm? Timbo?

0:23:170:23:18

Tim-bot?

0:23:180:23:19

Timothy Cricket?

0:23:190:23:20

Tim Jong Il?

0:23:200:23:21

I would so love to help you find your things.

0:23:210:23:24

No, really, I'm good, thanks.

0:23:240:23:26

This...

0:23:300:23:31

is what she's got me reduced to.

0:23:310:23:33

She hides my stuff.

0:23:380:23:41

So...what's with the whistle and toot, Timbles?

0:23:410:23:44

Going to court? Lol.

0:23:440:23:46

Crimes against women, isn't it? You great big lady-killer!

0:23:460:23:48

LAUGHTER

0:23:480:23:50

Yeah, you old dirty sex pest.

0:23:500:23:51

MEL LAUGHS

0:23:510:23:53

Anyway, Sue, me old comedy life partner,

0:23:550:23:57

we've only been invited to the Pride Of BRITAIN awards!

0:23:570:23:59

Well, la-di-dah!

0:23:590:24:01

I'll polish my dancing trainers

0:24:010:24:03

and give my famous quiff a little bit of a buff.

0:24:030:24:05

Actually, Sue, Mel's taking me.

0:24:050:24:08

What?

0:24:080:24:09

Thing is, great mate, they only gave me a plus one,

0:24:090:24:11

so I really should take the old husband. El husberino!

0:24:110:24:14

Him indoors.

0:24:140:24:15

Tim indoors! Eh-eh?

0:24:150:24:17

Sure! Sure! Yeah.

0:24:170:24:19

Course, chumble-bum!

0:24:190:24:21

Going to have to find that...

0:24:210:24:22

left shoe, though, aren't you, Tim?

0:24:220:24:23

You really should let me help you.

0:24:230:24:25

You're never going to find that shoe on your own.

0:24:250:24:27

Oh, I will.

0:24:270:24:28

-I don't think you will.

-I'll find it.

0:24:280:24:30

Well, you'll have to find it soon, buddy lad,

0:24:300:24:32

I think the Pride Of Britain like attendees in two shoes.

0:24:320:24:36

Actually, do you know what? You're right.

0:24:370:24:39

No-one wants to see boring old Mel and Tim.

0:24:390:24:42

You two should go!

0:24:420:24:43

Oh, that is just so sweet of you, Tim!

0:24:430:24:46

'She's not going to win.

0:24:460:24:48

'I'm not going to give her the satisfaction.'

0:24:480:24:50

While they're out, I'm going to turn this place upside down.

0:24:500:24:54

Badgers.

0:25:010:25:02

What are they?

0:25:020:25:04

British pandas?

0:25:040:25:06

Big black and white rats?

0:25:060:25:08

Underground dogs?

0:25:080:25:10

Nobody really knows.

0:25:100:25:11

Have that, you black and white wrong'un!

0:25:130:25:15

PHONE RINGS

0:25:150:25:16

-How's it going, Danny?

-Good, thanks, Vin.

0:25:200:25:22

I've done about 15 badgers already.

0:25:220:25:25

What?

0:25:250:25:26

You're shooting them?!

0:25:260:25:27

You're meant to be on their side!

0:25:270:25:29

Hold up.

0:25:290:25:30

GROANING

0:25:310:25:32

Oh, shit!

0:25:320:25:34

That last one was Brian May.

0:25:340:25:36

That better be rhyming slang for something.

0:25:360:25:38

Nah.

0:25:380:25:39

I just shot Brian May out of Queen.

0:25:390:25:41

I done him with me shooter.

0:25:410:25:43

His barnet looks like a badger.

0:25:430:25:45

He's been getting in the way all night.

0:25:450:25:47

You've shot a national treasure?

0:25:470:25:49

Get out of there, now!

0:25:490:25:50

Is Brian May a national treasure?

0:25:520:25:54

Right, I'm having it on me Marilyns.

0:25:560:25:57

Marilyn Monroes, toes.

0:25:570:25:59

Oh, me neck, me neck!

0:26:020:26:04

Yeah, that's it.

0:26:050:26:06

While Mel and Sue have been busy at the Pride Of Britain awards,

0:26:060:26:09

Tim has been even busier back at the house.

0:26:090:26:12

No, me old bubbleship matey, you're the Pride of Britain!

0:26:120:26:15

No, me old lady chatterbox, you're the...

0:26:150:26:18

Pride of Britain.

0:26:180:26:19

Good evening, ladies.

0:26:190:26:21

How was your night?

0:26:210:26:22

Actually, before you tell me about your night,

0:26:240:26:26

why don't I tell you about my night?

0:26:260:26:27

I had a great night.

0:26:270:26:28

Tonight, I found my shoe,

0:26:290:26:32

and I found my Oyster card,

0:26:320:26:34

and I found my phone charger.

0:26:340:26:35

And can you guess where I found them, Sue?

0:26:360:26:38

I found them...

0:26:410:26:42

-CARTOON VOICE:

-in de tumbledwyer.

0:26:420:26:45

HE LAUGHS

0:26:450:26:46

Oh, Tim. Poor love.

0:26:470:26:49

Has work been getting on top of you again?

0:26:530:26:55

HE ALMOST FORCES A LAUGH

0:26:550:26:56

HE SIGHS

0:26:590:27:00

For Rachel, her day assisting Adele has finally come to an end.

0:27:170:27:21

Too late, unfortunately,

0:27:210:27:22

to make her own birthday celebrations.

0:27:220:27:24

"Happy birthday, Rachel!"

0:27:250:27:27

"Oh, thanks, Adele. Thanks."

0:27:270:27:28

PHONE RINGS

0:27:300:27:31

(Oh, please...)

0:27:340:27:35

No more!

0:27:350:27:37

Vinnie, I've had a really long day.

0:27:370:27:40

Yeah, well, it's about to get a bit longer.

0:27:400:27:42

Danny Dyer's gone into hiding.

0:27:420:27:43

I don't know where he is,

0:27:430:27:45

but apparently there's press all over his house.

0:27:450:27:47

Why's he got press all over his house?

0:27:470:27:49

Well, it's either for his one-man sex tape

0:27:490:27:51

or shooting Brian May out of Queen.

0:27:510:27:52

Course. What else would it be?

0:27:520:27:54

Well, either way, we need to find him, now.

0:27:540:27:56

So, between you and me,

0:27:560:27:58

he has a second, emergency mobile.

0:27:580:28:01

Call him on that. The number's on my Rolodex,

0:28:010:28:03

under Ham Sandwich.

0:28:030:28:05

How the hell do you make a one-man sex tape, anyway?

0:28:050:28:08

Ohh... Sorry, sweetheart.

0:28:090:28:11

There's no need to answer that.

0:28:110:28:13

'Ere, Rach?

0:28:130:28:14

Did I hear you say it's your birthday?

0:28:150:28:17

(Oh, my God.)

0:28:180:28:19

# I'll go it alone

0:28:190:28:23

# That's how it must be

0:28:230:28:26

# I can't be right for somebody else

0:28:270:28:30

# If I'm not right for me

0:28:300:28:33

# I gotta be free

0:28:340:28:37

# Oh, I've just gotta be free

0:28:370:28:41

# Daring to try and to do it or die-e-e-e

0:28:420:28:50

# I gotta be me! #

0:28:500:28:53

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