Dubplate People Just Do Nothing


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This programme contains strong language

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MUSIC FADES IN

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-And you're locked into the sounds of the legendary...

-Yes!

-..Kurupt FM.

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The Phone Line Crew inside, yeah?

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Phone line number to get you through once again is 07050 030 108.9.

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Why are Kurupt FM so big in the area?

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That's because we're killing it.

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-Exactly.

-And if you kill it, you get the respect of others.

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You're now listening to the best MC in the galaxy right now, yeah.

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You don't see Richard Branstone sitting there like,

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-"Er, I think I might start a plane company." He went and done it.

-Yeah.

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-People respect him now.

-He started off with the pickle jars.

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-Bang.

-Bang, to the plane company.

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Inside. Bit of baseline pressure.

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DJ Fantasy rolling through.

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And we are the next Branstone.

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Exactly. Kurupt FM the brand.

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-I Am Kurupt.

-And then we're gonna have I Am Kurupt trains.

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-I Am Kurupt planes.

-No, you don't have to do exactly what he done.

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That's not the point, is it?

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Out to the Brentford man. Out to Alfie Danger,

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out to Albatross.

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Out to Wilfy D.

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These guys are the best kept secret in Brentford right now, yeah?

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It's not a secret. People do know about us.

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-Yeah, not enough people.

-We have a TV crew.

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But, you know, we're in our prime right now.

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-We're young.

-Exactly. Exactly.

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There's time. We're young, we're good-looking.

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Make sure you're locked in this time tomorrow as well,

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cos we're gonna be playing the most anticipated track of 2016.

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Exactly. New Kurupt slammer, instant classic on the streets,

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will be coming straight out studio tomorrow.

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Yeah, cos we're going studio.

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There's two types of studio, actually.

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Radio studio.

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-Yeah.

-And there's music studio.

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Yeah, exactly.

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-Studio!

-Just down here.

-Studio!

-Just down here, yeah.

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-Studio!

-Yeah, also, going studio, it sounds good.

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Press the buzzer, mate. I can't get my hands dirty, I'm about to MC.

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Do you know what I mean? When someone calls you, or, like,

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your girl's like, "What you doing today?" You just be like, "Studio."

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-Hello, mate.

-What's your name?

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No need for that. MC Grindah, CEO of Kurupt FM.

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Oh, mate.

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-We're back.

-We're back. Beats and Grindah back at it.

-And Beats.

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-That's what I said, Beats and Grindah.

-Yeah, yeah, sorry.

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Oh, sick, a chair. STEVES PLAYS PIANO

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-Oh, I love chairs.

-That is a great chair.

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-It looks really good on you, as well.

-Thank you.

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Steves, stop touching things.

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-Get it back on me.

-All right, let me know if you need anything.

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-You'll be done in an hour, do you think?

-Erm...

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-You can't rush these things, mate.

-Yeah. Music is an art form, mate,

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yeah. It takes as long as it takes.

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Oh, right. Your manager's only booked an hour.

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Is not gonna take an hour, is it? It's a four-minute track, mate.

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-He ain't got a clue, has he?

-Nah.

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-Do you want me to talk you through the equipment?

-Yeah...

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Nah, nah, we're all good. We know exactly what we're doing.

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-Sure?

-Yes, I'm sure.

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Look, it's none of your little rock 'n' roll bollocks, mate.

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It's real music. You wouldn't have a clue about it. Pop yourself off.

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-Come on, real men don't read instruction manuals, mate.

-Yeah!

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Decoy, you know what you're doing though, right?

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-Turn it all on, Decoy.

-All wires.

-Take a look at this. Look.

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-Ah, they're all moving.

-That's real technology, mate.

-See, all at once.

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They all move at once. Push me in the chair. Push me in the chair.

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-OK, cool.

-Where is it?

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-Spin him around.

-Spin me round.

-Spin him around.

-No, don't. No, don't.

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-Because I'll fall off.

-Spin him round!

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See, I've fell off now.

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HEAVY BREATHING

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Do you wish you were at the studio?

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The thing is, I'm busy tonight.

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You know, I've actually got a date, so I'm getting ready for that.

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You know? Mentally, spiritually, and obviously physically.

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Obviously when you hear the name Chabuddy G,

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certain emotions come to your mind, you know? What do you think?

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Sex symbol. That's a taken.

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But then if you go further into that,

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Chabuddy G -

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style icon. This is not by accident.

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People ask me, "What does the G stand for?"

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I tell them.

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Gucci, girls, girth.

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Hi, Chabuddy G.

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Smouldering. I mean, what woman can resist that?

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I look a bit Japanese when I do that, innit?

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Arigatou. Isn't it?

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These rather beautiful gardens,

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of course, were the inspiration...

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-And this is the house.

-Oh, my God.

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-Speaks for itself, doesn't it?

-It does. It says, " 'ello.

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" 'Ello, Miche."

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-So, er...

-Let's go. Let's get up there.

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This is your bride.

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I'll be like this at the top.

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-Oh, yes.

-I'll, like, jump out from here and I'll just walk down.

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Get some photos.

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'Yeah, so Grindah's letting me handle

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'all the decisions for the wedding.

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-'It's actually really romantic of him, you know?

-Yeah.'

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-Here behind us, is our wedding wall.

-Yeah.

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That we've been working on.

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So it's just like a big sort of collage, isn't it, of our big day?

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A little bit terrifying.

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It's like a horror film.

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Like there's something wrong with you.

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He's saying that because sometimes he...

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Stop putting so much on there, and she keeps putting more.

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It's partly just to remind us both that we are getting married.

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-Well, I can't forget with that in the background, can I?

-I know.

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Loving this. Do you know what? I just love all the white.

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-Me too.

-What's your policy on ponies?

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Ponies?

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Well, I'd have to check on that for you.

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-Of course.

-It is a protected building.

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Protected? Oh, that's great actually,

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because we're gonna to need some security on the day

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because my fiance is actually famous, so it's ideal.

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What do you reckon of this, boys?

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BEAT PLAYS

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-What you thinking?

-Hmm...

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-Turn it up.

-Turn it up. Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.

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Yeah, turn it up. Yeah, yeah.

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That's already much better, innit?

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Do you think it's better?

-I think it's better, yeah.

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Still quite repetitive, to be honest.

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-It does need something more.

-What about something from next door?

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-There's loads of shit.

-Yeah, cool, I'll come have a look with you.

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That's quite good, innit? DEEP KEYBOARD NOTE

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Decoy.

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'My role in studio is kind of the...'

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Like, the provider of the inspiration.

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'I'm like a muse.

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'Yeah, I'm an ideas man.'

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Oh, for...

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Actually, that sounded quite sick.

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Do that again.

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When the mic's on, Steve.

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Are you ready, Decoy?

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GLASS SMASHES

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-Oi! That's the one.

-That felt good, yeah.

-That's the one.

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That felt great.

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I dunno know, man. I still reckon I could do better.

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Perfect. That'll do.

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Can I show you something really special?

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Now, this is where the actual ceremony will take place.

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-SHE GASPS

-Wow. Fuck off.

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-Fucking hell, Miche. Look at that.

-That is well posh.

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And the dome, as you can see, the very famous dome.

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Fucking love the dome.

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-Mental.

-Yeah.

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He looks a bit like Dad, don't it?

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-Poor sod.

-Yeah.

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Ooh, while I think of it, could you do thrones as well?

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Thrones? Yes, that'd be a nice touch,

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I'm sure we could come up with a price

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to accommodate thrones for you.

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-Good.

-Oh, thank you.

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-We'll definitely be taking the pillars.

-Yes.

-So that's great.

-Six.

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-Thank you.

-We'll have six.

-Well, they are a permanent fixture.

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So, listen, darling.

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What we looking at? What price we looking at here, yeah?

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Well, with everything we've discussed this morning,

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I'd say we're looking in the region of say 15,000 to 19,000.

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-We better jog on, Miche.

-No, I mean, that's the...

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Yeah, that's the sort of, the mid to the sort of top range

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that I had in mind in my range sort of thoughts, so.

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Is that something we'd have to pay all at once,

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or, you know, could we do it on credit?

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You know, like when you buy a new sofa?

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Listen, we'll get back to you, yeah?

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-GLASS SMASHING ON TRACK

-Oh, sick,

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there's free Wi-Fi in here.

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Type in "Tupac still alive in Cuba."

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No, no, no, no, no. None of that weird Steve shit.

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Boys, we need to finish this track, yeah? We ain't got time.

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Ssh! Decoy, you got no clue sometimes.

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Inspiration is a very important part of the creative process, so...

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What about "Jean-Claude Van Damme fight sequences all in one montage"?

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Perfect.

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-Ooh.

-Ooh.

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-Move it here a bit.

-I love bad guys with scars.

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-Yeah.

-Look, he punches him.

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I can't believe he's French.

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You would've thought he was English or American.

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-He seems normal, don't he?

-Yeah.

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Oh, yeah.

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Oof! Very pungent, you know?

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There's a few stains and that. It's fine, it adds character.

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So, erm...

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I'm actually really excited about the date tonight, you know?

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I think... I think it could go really well.

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So, yeah.

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Let's just hope she doesn't break my heart or steal all my stuff again.

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HE LAUGHS

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HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

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-What do you think?

-Look at it. Yeah, lovely.

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I like the windows.

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-Here we go.

-Oh, have a word.

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-World-class.

-World-class.

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That's us. That's what they'll call us.

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-Look at this.

-I like it.

-God, this is out of this world.

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-I really like them.

-They've got pillars.

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Light-up pillars with bubbles.

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-Bish, bash, bosh.

-I love the Buddha.

-I do, I do.

-Proper spiritual, that.

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What's important from a wedding venue?

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Got to be a big size, you know, got to have a dance floor in there.

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I think one of the big things that's important for me is,

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-would you call it? Ambi... Ambiu...

-Ambulant.

-Ambu...

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-Ambion.

-Don't, you got me at it now.

-Yeah.

-That anyway.

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-The vibe.

-The vibe of it.

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Look, they've got air conditioning unit.

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Yeah, we have fully functioning air conditioning.

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-They didn't have that in the last place.

-No, it didn't actually.

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-I like the chairs, Miche.

-Ah, and you have a buffet.

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-And so I presume there'll be food in here on the day?

-Yeah.

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-INTERVIEWER:

-So are you going to take his surname?

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Recently I've been thinking long and hard about

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whether to change my name.

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But I am definitely going to becoming Mrs Zagos...

0:09:310:09:35

-Zagrofoss?

-Zagrofoff.

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-It's a strong Greek name.

-Mr and Mrs Zagrofoss.

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-Foff.

-Foff.

-Yeah.

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-Zagrofoff. Zagrofoff?

-Yeah. It's just how my family say it.

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How do other families say it?

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Don't know, I've never met another Zagrofoff.

0:09:490:09:52

I really like it. What do you think that the ponies

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-just going down the middle there?

-Yes!

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There will be four, three or four ponies.

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-Two, probably.

-Ponies?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, we're not gonna be able to do that, I'm afraid,

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because it's a restaurant and the premises...

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-I mean...

-We're not gonna eat them.

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No, no, I didn't think you were gonna eat them.

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OK, yeah, listening.

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# Said I'm kicking man like Van Damme

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# Who's on the mic with a rough slang... #

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Ah, no. It was all right but...

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-You want it a bit more...

-Yeah, a bit tougher.

-OK. All right.

0:10:230:10:27

-But you're doing well though, mate.

-Cheers, mate.

0:10:270:10:29

# Said I'm kicking man like Van Damme... #

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No, no, no, no!

0:10:310:10:33

That wasn't it!

0:10:330:10:35

Really doing well, but if we could just try it again

0:10:350:10:39

-in a different way, like.

-Need to speed this up as well, please.

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Shut up.

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# Said I'm kicking man like Van Damme

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# Who's on the mic with a rough slang?

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# Kick to the cheek just like I'm Jet Li

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# And I triple-backflip off a jet ski. #

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That's it! That's it! Done it! Sweet!

0:10:510:10:53

-Smashed it, brother. Come through.

-Am I done?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Sick.

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-Is that all right, yeah?

-Yeah. Done really well, mate.

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-Wicked.

-Yeah, killed it.

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-Nice one.

-All right, I've got to go to hospital and that now, so...

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-I have to go.

-All right, mate. Good luck with it all, yeah.

0:11:050:11:07

And I'm still hoping it's a false alarm, so...

0:11:070:11:09

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I'll let you know how it goes.

0:11:090:11:11

All right, mate. Nice one. Cool, mate.

0:11:110:11:13

All right, see you fannies in a bit, yeah.

0:11:130:11:15

-Keep it Kurupt, yeah?

-Always do, mate.

0:11:150:11:17

Play it back.

0:11:180:11:20

So, does it have to be on a Saturday, because...

0:11:210:11:25

-Yeah.

-Yeah, it's a wedding.

0:11:250:11:26

-Yeah, OK.

-When did you get married?

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-Well...

-On a fucking Tuesday?

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The only reason I say that is because

0:11:310:11:33

we've got an 18-month waiting list if you want to do it on a Saturday.

0:11:330:11:37

-18 months?

-Babe, we'll have to have it down the working men's club.

0:11:370:11:40

I get that special discount for wedding parties

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because I had my last two there.

0:11:420:11:43

No, Mum, I'm not having it there.

0:11:430:11:44

They haven't got pink lighting or Buddhas.

0:11:440:11:46

It's not the same.

0:11:460:11:48

So, do you want me to pop you down on the waiting list then?

0:11:480:11:51

Well, I'll have to check with my fiance, won't I?

0:11:510:11:53

He might not be up for waiting that long.

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I said I'm in the studio.

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I'm in the studio. I can't talk now.

0:11:570:12:00

Oh, signal.

0:12:000:12:01

So are you excited about the wedding then, Grindah?

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Yeah, like, obviously if she's happy I'm happy, right?

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Obviously everyone keeps going, like,

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"You was fucked out your head when you proposed to her",

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but I wasn't even that fucked.

0:12:120:12:14

And anyway, they say when you're fucked,

0:12:140:12:16

that's when the truth comes out, so...

0:12:160:12:18

I reckon it's what I wanted deep down.

0:12:180:12:21

-Probably.

-Aw.

0:12:210:12:23

-Hello?

-'Hi, babe.'

-Yeah, I had no signal, you know,

0:12:250:12:27

because I'm at studio. Yeah, studio, yeah.

0:12:270:12:29

-What you saying?

-'I found an amazing venue.

0:12:290:12:31

'Like, you're gonna absolutely love it.'

0:12:310:12:34

But there's an 18-month waiting list.

0:12:340:12:36

-Oh, really?

-It just seems a bit mental to wait that long

0:12:360:12:38

-but I mean it is...

-Although...

-..literally the dream.

0:12:380:12:41

-I'd say we should just wait it out.

-Are you sure? It's like a long time.

0:12:410:12:44

You know what, you've said it's your dream place.

0:12:440:12:47

I think that it's probably my dream place as well.

0:12:470:12:49

Yeah, you would absolutely love it.

0:12:490:12:51

So it's probably best that we wait, I think, yeah.

0:12:510:12:53

-All right, bye.

-All right, in a bit, bye.

0:12:530:12:56

Oh...

0:12:560:12:57

That's a shame, innit?

0:13:000:13:02

Do you believe in marriage?

0:13:020:13:04

To be honest, I'm married to the music,

0:13:040:13:05

do you know what I mean, like?

0:13:050:13:07

It's more for her, innit? It's like a prestige thing.

0:13:070:13:09

"I've married one of the top MCs in the game," which I get.

0:13:090:13:13

It don't really mean nothing to me.

0:13:130:13:16

-Hello, mate.

-All right. You've got five minutes.

0:13:160:13:18

What do you mean, five minutes? I ain't even done the lyrics yet.

0:13:180:13:21

I know, but you've only paid for an hour, so...

0:13:210:13:23

Yeah, but come on, this is your place, so...

0:13:230:13:25

Give us a little bit of extra time.

0:13:250:13:26

-Come on, I'll make you part of musical history.

-No.

0:13:260:13:29

I wouldn't know anything about real music, would I?

0:13:290:13:31

You've got five minutes.

0:13:310:13:33

-I've got five minutes(!)

-You've got four minutes now.

0:13:330:13:35

Yeah? I'm going to do it in three minutes then.

0:13:350:13:37

And then I'll be expecting my mate's money back then.

0:13:370:13:40

Decoy, we've got four minutes left.

0:13:410:13:44

As soon I get in there, start recording.

0:13:440:13:46

Just one second, yeah?

0:13:460:13:48

Mate, you know we're not gonna do this in, like, four minutes?

0:13:500:13:53

Do you know what? Fuck this.

0:13:530:13:55

The little prick thinks he can tighten me, yeah.

0:13:550:13:59

I'm locking us in. Steve, blockade the door.

0:13:590:14:02

You're blockading the door?

0:14:020:14:03

-Yes, mate.

-Decoy, we're blockading the door.

0:14:030:14:06

Bruv, get a piano.

0:14:060:14:08

-Block it properly.

-The Clavinova or the P80?

0:14:080:14:10

Just get any of them. Grab everything you can get.

0:14:100:14:13

Get some more shit. Hurry up. Hurry up!

0:14:140:14:17

Leads. Do you reckon I should lock it as well?

0:14:180:14:22

Yeah, do that as well.

0:14:220:14:24

As soon as I lock myself in there, you start doing that, all right?

0:14:250:14:29

Oh, mate. This takes me back.

0:14:310:14:33

The old squat party days.

0:14:330:14:35

-All right, Decoy.

-Yeah.

0:14:360:14:38

-It's my time.

-All right.

0:14:380:14:40

BEAT PLAYS

0:14:410:14:44

-All right, sorry I'm late.

-Where have you been?

0:14:510:14:54

Studio.

0:14:540:14:56

'I've got a very, very special announcement to make.'

0:14:560:14:59

Me and Roche are pregnant.

0:14:590:15:01

Well, her mainly, but I was there when it happened.

0:15:030:15:06

Yeah. It's amazing actually because it's our first baby together.

0:15:060:15:09

Hello, mate.

0:15:090:15:11

I wasn't there when she made Craig. But apparently it was a great night.

0:15:110:15:14

Was it a great night with this one as well?

0:15:160:15:18

Well, actually, to be honest, it wasn't one of them special nights.

0:15:180:15:22

It was more just four strokes and done type of thing.

0:15:220:15:26

Is that your date of birth?

0:15:260:15:28

-Yes.

-You're officially a cougar.

0:15:280:15:31

SHE LAUGHS

0:15:320:15:33

Yeah.

0:15:330:15:35

-I quite like that.

-Yeah, I did some research on the internet.

0:15:350:15:39

-Oh.

-Craig showed me this thing.

0:15:390:15:41

-It's pretty sick.

-I don't want to know about that.

0:15:410:15:44

It's got a weird name. It sounds like a hamster but it's not.

0:15:440:15:47

What are you doing?

0:15:580:16:00

I'm actually applying my own facemask.

0:16:000:16:03

It's my own blend of yoghurt, avocado and chilli which, you know,

0:16:040:16:10

waters the eyes.

0:16:100:16:11

It makes them water and it also cleans them out.

0:16:110:16:14

It also gives a red rouge effect to the skin, you know.

0:16:140:16:17

So, very smouldering.

0:16:170:16:20

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:16:200:16:22

Hi, Chabuddy G.

0:16:260:16:28

Yeah, manager of Kurupt FM.

0:16:290:16:32

So is Chabuddy your manager?

0:16:320:16:33

Yes.

0:16:330:16:35

Well, technically he said he'd pay for studio

0:16:350:16:37

if he could be our manager,

0:16:370:16:39

-so we just said yeah.

-Mhm.

-So he is your manager?

-Yeah.

0:16:390:16:42

Yeah, he's our manager, if you say so, mate.

0:16:420:16:45

But, I mean, we all say so.

0:16:460:16:47

It's been said.

0:16:470:16:50

They want me to come down to the studio?

0:16:500:16:52

Oh, right.

0:16:530:16:54

No, no, no.

0:16:560:16:58

No police, no police, no.

0:16:580:17:00

OK, no, please no, don't call police, don't call police.

0:17:000:17:02

OK, I'm coming down now. OK. OK.

0:17:020:17:04

Fucking bad, man. Get the wet wipes.

0:17:040:17:08

Fucking...

0:17:080:17:10

Oh, the chilli in my eye, bastard.

0:17:100:17:12

Oh!

0:17:120:17:13

Ugh!

0:17:130:17:15

I can't see anything.

0:17:170:17:18

BANGING

0:17:200:17:21

That's fucking ridic... What, you think you can lock me out?

0:17:210:17:24

Grindah, I can see him. He's getting in, bruv.

0:17:240:17:27

-He must have had a spare key.

-Fucking hell.

0:17:270:17:29

He's through the first barricade.

0:17:290:17:31

GRINDAH RAPPING: # Bang, hurry up.... #

0:17:310:17:33

This is it! He's coming!

0:17:330:17:36

You ain't getting in, bruv.

0:17:360:17:38

What are you doing?

0:17:380:17:39

You are not getting in today, rude boy.

0:17:390:17:41

Mate, you're dealing with a seasoned pro.

0:17:410:17:43

Idiot! You fucking idiots.

0:17:430:17:46

-Get out now!

-I'm doing my lyric. I will win.

0:17:460:17:49

STEVES LAUGHS

0:17:490:17:50

Get out now!

0:17:500:17:51

Fucking moron.

0:17:510:17:52

-Get out the booth!

-Oi, listen!

-Hey! You're interrupting my flow.

0:17:550:17:58

Get off me! My lyrics. Someone's jealous of my lyrics!

0:17:580:18:01

Listen! Listen! He's gonna call the police.

0:18:010:18:03

-It's just lyrics, mate!

-Listen to me, I understand.

0:18:030:18:05

-I asked normally!

-What's the damage?

0:18:050:18:07

-What's the damage?

-Look at the damage, you idiot.

0:18:070:18:09

No, look, that was like that before we got here.

0:18:090:18:11

-Are you fucking mad?

-That was like that before they got...

0:18:110:18:13

They told me there was broken glass there.

0:18:130:18:15

There's your little girl's arm.

0:18:150:18:17

-Can you see it?

-Yeah.

0:18:170:18:18

And then there's the other one.

0:18:180:18:20

Wow.

0:18:200:18:21

That is mad. I didn't realise it would have arms this early on.

0:18:210:18:25

-What?

-It looks a bit like a wasp.

0:18:250:18:28

It doesn't look like a wasp.

0:18:280:18:29

It looks like a baby.

0:18:290:18:31

What are your hopes and dreams for the baby?

0:18:310:18:33

I just want it to have teeth and fingers and that first.

0:18:330:18:37

-And then...

-Well, it won't have teeth straight away.

0:18:370:18:41

But don't get freaked out about that.

0:18:410:18:43

It'll have teeth later.

0:18:430:18:45

-OK.

-Yeah.

-So how does it eat?

0:18:450:18:47

Well, it just drinks to start with, doesn't it?

0:18:470:18:49

It drinks milk and then you mush all its food up.

0:18:490:18:53

Yeah, cos that's what RoboCop eats.

0:18:540:18:56

Yep, it's gonna be like RoboCop.

0:18:560:18:59

-Call the police! Call the police!

-No, don't call the police! Don't!

0:19:000:19:03

Just... Fuck, shut up! Don't call the police.

0:19:030:19:05

Don't call the police. Don't call the police.

0:19:050:19:08

-What about them ones?

-Just get out!

-That's six grand right there.

0:19:080:19:10

Just take that. Don't even worry about it.

0:19:100:19:12

-I don't want your watch.

-Take my watch!

-I don't want your watch!

0:19:120:19:15

Take it! Listen, mate.

0:19:150:19:16

Listen. You're trying to hustle a hustler here.

0:19:160:19:18

-I'm not trying to hustle anyone.

-I'm gonna hustle you.

0:19:180:19:20

Mate, you brought a bunch of morons into my studio.

0:19:200:19:22

-They're artists. Them artists. They're artistes.

-Morons, mate.

0:19:220:19:25

-Creative artists.

-Shut up and get out.

0:19:250:19:27

-No, no, we'll do it, OK?

-How much is there?

0:19:270:19:29

Let me do some counting here, OK?

0:19:290:19:31

It's our manager to the rescue.

0:19:310:19:32

That's what they're there for, innit?

0:19:320:19:34

-So I'm definitely your manager then?

-Yes. Just keep paying him.

0:19:340:19:37

Keep paying the man.

0:19:370:19:38

Definitely manager!

0:19:380:19:40

Yeah, just, come on, keep paying.

0:19:400:19:43

All right, mate.

0:19:430:19:44

Grindah, I stole a cable.

0:19:450:19:48

Whoo! They ain't gonna be seeing that again.

0:19:480:19:51

So, well, listen, boys, the track went well, yeah?

0:19:510:19:53

-Can I have a listen?

-No, it ain't even finished yet.

0:19:530:19:55

You can do it all on laptop these days.

0:19:550:19:57

-Decoy'll finish it off.

-What? You can do it all on your laptop?

0:19:570:20:00

Oh, yeah. You don't need any of that bollocks.

0:20:000:20:02

Well, why did I pay all that money for you to go to studio then?

0:20:020:20:04

Well, you said you'd pay for it. Plus it's quite a good day out.

0:20:040:20:07

Little blaze, go to studio, it sounds good, don't it?

0:20:070:20:09

-It's a laugh, innit?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:20:090:20:11

Catch, catch, catch, catch, catch. Oi, oi!

0:20:110:20:14

Here you are then. Let's have a little toast to the...venue.

0:20:160:20:21

-Cheers.

-And the bride.

-And the mother of the bride as well.

0:20:210:20:24

-That's you.

-Yeah, who'd have thought?

0:20:240:20:28

I'm gonna move along my wedding timeline to dress shopping.

0:20:280:20:32

Oh, yeah, nice.

0:20:320:20:33

-Exciting.

-All right, that's that dress I was talking about.

0:20:330:20:36

Have a look. Look, Mick loved it.

0:20:360:20:38

Aw, bless him. Mickles was so sweet.

0:20:380:20:40

Weren't he just?

0:20:400:20:42

Not sure on the dress, though.

0:20:420:20:43

-It hasn't really got that regal vibe I was after.

-Really?

0:20:430:20:46

I'll keep it in mind, though. In case I get really desperate.

0:20:460:20:48

I love that.

0:20:480:20:50

Ho-ho...

0:20:510:20:53

There she is. She looks just like her profile picture.

0:20:530:20:55

I bloody don't.

0:20:570:20:58

Hey, jump in, baby.

0:20:580:21:00

HE CHUCKLES

0:21:000:21:01

-Sorry...

-Yeah, sorry, I'm just joking.

0:21:010:21:04

Let me just park up. Sorry, one second.

0:21:040:21:05

'Ladies love the van.

0:21:050:21:07

'It's very roomy, very spacious.

0:21:070:21:09

'So, put the seats down,'

0:21:090:21:10

we can have a bloody, you know, sauna.

0:21:100:21:12

Champagne Steam Rooms in there, mate.

0:21:120:21:15

-You know what I mean?

-But you haven't had any ladies in there yet?

0:21:150:21:17

No ladies in at the moment.

0:21:170:21:19

But once I do it's going to be like that bloody scene from Titanic.

0:21:190:21:22

You know when she puts her hand...

0:21:220:21:24

It will bloody be like that, mate, I tell you what, mate.

0:21:240:21:26

-Hi. Lisa, right?

-Yeah.

0:21:260:21:28

Yeah, sorry I was a bit busy.

0:21:280:21:29

I was back at the studio

0:21:290:21:30

with some artists I'm managing at the moment, so...

0:21:300:21:33

-Hi, Chabuddy.

-Sounds exciting.

0:21:330:21:36

Not really, they're bloody bankrupting me, the bastards.

0:21:360:21:39

'Chabuddy G's an entrepreneur, yeah?

0:21:410:21:43

'So, I've decided to transform my club, the Champagne Steam Rooms,

0:21:430:21:47

'into a classy, elegant cocktail bar.

0:21:470:21:50

'The Champagne Steam Bar.

0:21:500:21:53

'Think about it.

0:21:540:21:55

'If I've got my own cocktail bar,

0:21:550:21:57

'the ladies are gonna come to me, mate.

0:21:570:21:58

'You know what I mean? I've created the honey pot and now all the bees

0:21:580:22:02

'are coming for a taste of the sweet nectar. Yeah?'

0:22:020:22:05

Build it and they will come.

0:22:050:22:07

Literally.

0:22:070:22:09

URBAN DANCE TRACK PLAYS

0:22:120:22:13

Should have put a flash on cos it's well dark.

0:22:130:22:16

Yeah, it just wouldn't fit up there.

0:22:160:22:18

"Oh, look at me, I'm having a baby."

0:22:180:22:21

Everyone has a baby. It's no big deal.

0:22:210:22:23

Decoy, what's the track saying?

0:22:240:22:26

Oh, yeah, I actually had a sick idea at the hospital.

0:22:260:22:29

-I had a brainwave.

-About what?

0:22:290:22:31

-About the track.

-Finally!

0:22:310:22:33

Fucking hell! What is it?

0:22:330:22:35

OK, I tell you what, I'm going to go for a sex on the beach au bar.

0:22:350:22:39

-OK.

-And...

-Can I have a...?

-I'll tell you what,

0:22:390:22:42

I'll order for you. I know what you want.

0:22:420:22:44

Get her a Peanutini.

0:22:440:22:46

It's actually one that I designed myself.

0:22:460:22:49

It's like a martini but with peanut dust just around the rim, so,

0:22:490:22:53

crusty rim.

0:22:530:22:54

Do I believe in love? You know, does it exist?

0:22:550:22:58

We don't know. It's like oxygen.

0:22:580:23:00

You can't see it but it's there.

0:23:000:23:02

Is it a feeling? You know?

0:23:020:23:04

Is it a sensation?

0:23:040:23:05

Is it a vibe? We don't know.

0:23:050:23:08

-Oh, yeah.

-Can I have your cherry?

0:23:080:23:10

Oh! Yes, take my cherry.

0:23:100:23:13

Thanks. Get the taste out of my mouth.

0:23:130:23:15

Yeah! Be gentle, it's my first time.

0:23:150:23:18

No, I'm not a virgin, though.

0:23:180:23:20

I've had loads of sex.

0:23:220:23:23

What do you think about, like, walking down the aisle?

0:23:280:23:31

Ask Mick to walk you down the aisle.

0:23:320:23:33

-Really?

-Yeah, why not?

0:23:330:23:36

It sort of makes sense actually, doesn't it?

0:23:360:23:38

Cos obviously, legally he's my dad.

0:23:380:23:40

-Yeah, yeah.

-Aw.

-Exactly.

0:23:400:23:43

I never thought of it like that.

0:23:430:23:44

I mean, technically I'm older than him,

0:23:440:23:46

-but that doesn't matter, does it?

-PHONE PINGS

0:23:460:23:48

It's probably Grindah worrying about the wedding.

0:23:480:23:50

-What's that plum want now?

-He just says,

0:23:500:23:53

"Listen Kurupt, new track now."

0:23:530:23:55

Thank God he let us know, otherwise you might have missed it(!)

0:23:550:23:58

-'Who's ready? Who's ready?

-I'm ready! I'm ready!'

0:23:580:24:01

-Who's ready?!

-I'm ready!

0:24:010:24:02

Ladies, open up your ears. Mandem too.

0:24:020:24:05

We are about to drop the new instant classic.

0:24:050:24:07

-Decoy, run that!

-Run that...

0:24:070:24:10

Play it, Decoy. Sh!

0:24:100:24:12

-TRACK:

-'Raw... There's a dead MC on the floor.'

-Sample.

0:24:120:24:15

'Who's that standing above him?' BEEPING

0:24:150:24:17

Can you lot hear the hospital sound?

0:24:170:24:19

That was from my trip to the hospital.

0:24:190:24:21

Then this bit's me as well.

0:24:210:24:22

'I think it might be MC Grindah.' This bit coming up. It's louder...

0:24:220:24:25

-It's the heart monitor.

-This is my bit.

0:24:250:24:27

'MC Griiiindah...'

0:24:270:24:29

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:24:290:24:31

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:24:310:24:33

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw leaving every MC

0:24:330:24:35

# Down on the floor Bang!

0:24:350:24:37

# Lyrical blow to the jaw Bang!

0:24:370:24:38

# Lyrical blow to the jaw, Bang!

0:24:380:24:40

# Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:24:400:24:42

# Leaving every MC down on the floor

0:24:420:24:43

# Bang, bang, bang, it's an emergency... #

0:24:430:24:47

I tell you what... this is shit.

0:24:470:24:49

I think you might be a little jealous sometimes.

0:24:490:24:52

Yeah, maybe.

0:24:520:24:53

You're a good singer too. I've heard you at karaoke.

0:24:530:24:56

# I'm kicking man like Van Damme

0:24:570:24:59

# Who's at the mic with the rough slang?

0:24:590:25:01

# Flying kicks I learned from Jet Li

0:25:010:25:02

# With a triple-backflip off a jet ski

0:25:020:25:04

# Word to the technical ninjas here

0:25:040:25:06

# Lyrical karate mixed with kung fu

0:25:060:25:08

# What you gonna say now? What you gonna do?

0:25:080:25:10

# When Beats and Grindah are coming for you

0:25:100:25:12

# We're bandaged up with the victim

0:25:120:25:13

# Leaving every MC up on their arse

0:25:130:25:15

# Lyrical dragon fight, so damn fast

0:25:150:25:17

# Leave your head spinning for more of my bars

0:25:170:25:19

# Beats and Grindah up on the track

0:25:190:25:20

# Guess you could call that double impact

0:25:200:25:22

# Why are we so lyrically big?

0:25:220:25:23

# Cos we've been training, punching a tree for a week. #

0:25:230:25:26

RECORD RELOADS

0:25:260:25:28

That's mine, yeah, I invented that, midpoint reload, it's called.

0:25:280:25:31

-It's a great little reference to the garage sound.

-Exactly.

0:25:310:25:34

Also, it saves the DJ from having to reload it.

0:25:340:25:36

Yeah.

0:25:360:25:38

Plus, we didn't have much time to finish it from studio so it's only

0:25:380:25:41

a minute and half long. So now it's three minutes,

0:25:410:25:44

so a tightly wrapped track.

0:25:440:25:46

-That's Steves.

-Hear the hospital sound, though.

0:25:460:25:48

BEEPING

0:25:480:25:50

Yeah, that's quite good. But also my lyrics are sick.

0:25:500:25:53

And then you hear it again.

0:25:530:25:54

The whole track again.

0:25:540:25:56

'MC Griiiindah.'

0:25:560:25:58

Love that.

0:25:580:25:59

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:25:590:26:01

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw... #

0:26:010:26:04

He's started from the beginning again.

0:26:040:26:06

-Yeah.

-He's just repeating himself.

0:26:060:26:09

-Oi, oi!

-Go on, son, celebrate, innit?

0:26:090:26:12

"Emergency. Killed an MC."

0:26:120:26:14

Yeah. Ooh, look at that.

0:26:140:26:16

Even the booze is getting excited.

0:26:160:26:19

You've just witnessed musical history,

0:26:190:26:21

do you know what I mean, like?

0:26:210:26:22

That is a beautiful little drop.

0:26:220:26:24

You light it for me, mate. I've done enough work.

0:26:240:26:27

Then she ended up bloody taking all my stuff, robbing me clean,

0:26:300:26:33

breaking my heart and bloody pissing off.

0:26:330:26:35

HE LAUGHS

0:26:350:26:37

There you go, guys.

0:26:370:26:38

Oh, thank you, dear.

0:26:380:26:39

No, no, please. Allow me.

0:26:400:26:42

I have a calculator on my phone.

0:26:420:26:45

You had two cocktails, you had the olives as well, didn't you?

0:26:450:26:49

So add that, and there's a service charge as well.

0:26:490:26:52

Sorry, isn't this your place?

0:26:520:26:54

-Yeah.

-Can't you just..?

-Well, no, I mean I won't have to pay my half.

0:26:540:26:57

You just...pay yours, isn't it? £15.

0:26:570:27:00

-Seriously?

-I'm running a business here, baby.

0:27:000:27:02

It's not including service charge as well.

0:27:040:27:06

So, leave a little tip as well.

0:27:060:27:08

Thank you.

0:27:080:27:10

'The best advice I'd give to people who are seeking love.'

0:27:130:27:17

Ladies like power, wealth, status.

0:27:170:27:21

-Can we go?

-You want to..?

-Yeah.

-You wanna get out of here?

-Sure.

0:27:210:27:25

'I mean, I'm the most, you know,

0:27:250:27:27

'the most official bachelor in Hounslow at the moment.

0:27:270:27:29

'And, you know,'

0:27:290:27:31

I'm a great catch.

0:27:310:27:33

Ladies, come on, you know?

0:27:330:27:35

Their loss.

0:27:360:27:37

-Call me.

-Yeah(!)

0:27:390:27:41

See you, guys.

0:27:470:27:48

TRACK PLAYS

0:27:510:27:53

Bang, lyrical blow to the jaw.

0:27:540:27:56

Bang.

0:27:560:27:58

This one's gonna be your inheritance, mate.

0:27:580:28:00

This one's you, baba. Trust me.

0:28:000:28:02

It's that bit, is Daddy killing it?

0:28:040:28:06

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

0:28:060:28:08

-Oh, my God, it's the wedding venue.

-What you doing?

0:28:080:28:10

-Tell them you'll call them back.

-Hello.

-This is the best bit.

0:28:100:28:12

-This is the best bit!

-Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

0:28:120:28:15

Hang on. It's the venue from yesterday.

0:28:150:28:17

Tell them I'm fuming at them, making us wait 18 months.

0:28:170:28:20

God, yeah, that's brilliant news.

0:28:200:28:21

Amazing. Will you just hang on a second?

0:28:210:28:24

They're saying they've got a space in five months.

0:28:240:28:26

You know, at your favourite venue?

0:28:260:28:28

-Yeah.

-The one you wanted to hold out for.

0:28:280:28:29

-Yeah, yeah.

-So we're going a bit sooner.

0:28:290:28:31

OK, so, when could I come in to look round again?

0:28:310:28:33

Tell them that's good, but tell them we got options.

0:28:330:28:37

-OK.

-Don't.

-Well, throw in the bespoke food and we will take it.

0:28:370:28:40

-Don't say take it.

-OK.

0:28:400:28:42

-Brilliant. All right.

-I haven't checked my calendar.

-It's a deal.

0:28:420:28:45

Thank you so much.

0:28:450:28:46

-Miche, I haven't checked my calendar.

-Aw, thank you.

0:28:460:28:50

-We've still got to have a...

-Oh, my God,

0:28:500:28:51

we're getting bloody married.

0:28:510:28:53

-We're gonna get bloody married.

-Yeah.

0:28:550:28:57

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:010:29:03

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:030:29:05

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:050:29:06

# Leaving every MC down on the floor

0:29:060:29:08

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:080:29:10

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:100:29:12

# Bang! Lyrical blow to the jaw

0:29:120:29:13

# Leaving every MC down on the floor

0:29:130:29:15

# Call 999, it's an emergency

0:29:150:29:17

# Beats and Grindah killed an MC

0:29:170:29:19

# Someone take him to A&E

0:29:190:29:20

# And perform some lyrical surgery

0:29:200:29:22

# Call 999, it's an emergency

0:29:220:29:24

# Beats and Grindah killed an MC

0:29:240:29:26

# Someone take him to A&E

0:29:260:29:28

# And perform some lyrical surgery. #

0:29:280:29:30

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