Christmas Comedy Shuffle Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle


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Christmas Comedy Shuffle

Peter Kay returns with a special Christmas Comedy Shuffle, featuring festive favourites from Car Share, Phoenix Nights and a seasonal singalong with Sir Paul McCartney.


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Transcript


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Will you please welcome the man himself,

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the one and only Mr Peter Kay.

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Let's hear it.

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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How are you? How are you?

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I'm bringing it over here with me.

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-Take it with you.

-Yeah, yeah.

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That might be one of your relations, Peter.

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I know!

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Hello, darling. How are you? Lovely to see you.

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Nice to see you, too.

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-I think you dropped a ball.

-I've dropped me balls.

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There you go.

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Better cut that out.

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Where are you? Where do I sit?

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Sit on the couch, Peter - if you can in that.

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Yes.

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Happy Christmas!

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Don't! I'll wee myself!

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We're not drunks here, we haven't had...

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He doesn't drink and I'm on the wagon.

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Barbara doesn't drink, either.

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This is just good spirits, seriously.

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It's Christmas, it's Christmas.

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Who have we got in tonight?

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Let's have a look up here.

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Come on, give us a wave.

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That lad's hit the jackpot.

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He's here with the wife.

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Enjoy yourself, me old PayPal.

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Who have we got down here?

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She's not taking any shit tonight, this one.

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Don't hide behind your torch, love.

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Watch her, she'll have you, she'll pounce on you.

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And her mate.

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There you go, anybody nice down here tonight?

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I see young Terry Waite's in.

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Nice to have a night out without the blindfold.

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Hope it's not too bright for you.

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What about down here?

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Oh, look, it's Gerry Adams in a trendy hoodie.

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Oh, or is it George Lucas?

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You never see them both together, do you?

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Never see them both together, I think you know what I'm saying.

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He's keen, he's keen.

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Look at that lad!

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Curtains?! What year is it?!

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You're twisting me melon, man, you talk so cheap.

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Call the cops.

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Oh, I feel like Anneka Rice on Treasure Hunt here.

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Let's have a look, let's have a look.

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Hello, my friend.

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Never mind Ross Kemp On Gangs, Ross Kemp's on his knees here.

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Can't get a seat.

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Hello, over there, give us a wave.

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Whoa, what have we got here? It's a human mountain.

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Not a lie.

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This lad here will knock you on your arse.

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He's what known in stewarding as a BS -

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brick shithouse.

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You lot are in his patch and if he sees you even smiling,

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he'll have you.

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I'nt that right, brother? He knows, he understands.

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Who have we got here? Oh!

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Ooh, OK, you've a look of Susan Boyle, love.

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Look at her! The absolute spit of her.

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You should think about doing a tribute act to her, love.

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Incredible.

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And that's my fantastic audience in Glasgow tonight.

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Thank you.

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It's a lookalike, calm down.

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Su-Bo! Su...

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Come on, now, it's a lookalike, I've told you.

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-That's him sorted out.

-Feeling the pressure more than most

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is the club social secretary, Brian Potter.

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We caught up with him and the committee as they were debating

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the entertainment for the children's Christmas party.

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What about Nobby Allcock?

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-No way.

-Hear me out - I know he's blue but he does

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a smashing side-line in Punch and Judys for kids.

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Yeah, what sort? We're not having him back after last Easter.

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-He's filthy and he's

-BLEEP

-foul-mouthed.

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Hey, there's no need for that language, please.

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I've got a photograph of the wife in the wallet -

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can you curb your language?

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Look at me. National television looking like a right cock.

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No, you're looking...

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You look fabulous!

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OK, the Windy Dick, Den Perry's recommended him.

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The Windy Dick, he's called.

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-The Windy Dick?

-Acrobat.

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But I Photostatted his biog for you, just chuck that out for me, please.

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Direct from the streets of gay Paris, the Windy Dick is excitement.

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He has been thrilling audiences throughout the world

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for over a decade now. Self-taught acrobatics and balloon sculpture.

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A pure flight of fantasy with a whole host

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of unforgettable characters.

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Cascade, Ricardo, Giorgio, his pet snake, which erupts from the mouth.

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That's all there is cos Marian unplugged the fax so she could hoover.

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-What do you think of him?

-I think the frog's a winner.

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Balloons and all that, the kids will lap that up.

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-Yeah.

-Plus, if he's new, he'll be cheap.

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OK, all those in favour of the Windy Dick, please say aye.

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-Aye.

-Aye.

-Right, thanks for your attendance, gentlemen,

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and I declare this meeting closed. Thank you.

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Things you miss about living at home. Why do mums call you

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by everyone else's name in family before they get to yours?

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What's all that about?

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"Pass me that, will you, Philip, Martin, Paul, John, James, Anne-Marie,

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"Peter, Peter."

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Anne-Marie?

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"Mum, I'm going out." "What should I say if anybody rings?"

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Well, I've gone out.

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Things you don't miss -

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me mum shaving her legs with me Mach 3 Turbo.

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They don't show that on't advert, do they, mum in the bath?

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"The new Mach 3 Turbo - smoother, too."

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I'm just having a shave, I'll be two minutes.

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Aargh!

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"I haven't touched it." Haven't touched it?

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You've been planing a door frame with it is what you've been doing.

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Missing face off here.

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-RADIO:

-Big, big drive home. So, today's tea-time teaser...

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So how was your appraisal?

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It went well, actually. Talked about moving me forward for a promotion.

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-Oh.

-And they're putting me in charge of Christmas.

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-Ooh!

-Yeah.

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That's fantastic, well done.

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184...

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184 what?

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Sleeps till Christmas.

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I love it. I've started my Christmas CD already.

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Shall I bring it in for you tomorrow?

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Not in this car.

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# Step into Christmas Step into Christmas

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# Dee ba deh da deh deh da deh deh da deh deh... #

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What's your favourite Christmas song?

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Not that one.

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# Bah humbug, but that's too strong

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# Cos that's my favourite Christmas song

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# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas... #

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All right, enough now.

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# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas... #

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All right, all right.

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# Cos we'll be driving home for Christmas... #

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Yeah, leave it now.

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Seriously, don't do that, don't do that.

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All right, all right, get off, I'm driving a vehicle, all right.

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All right, Grinch.

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Where's your festive cheer?

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Next week in the club, it's the children's Christmas party.

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Oh, look, it's Father Christmas.

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Happy Christmas.

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The Windy Dick is more daring

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than Brian and the committee ever expected.

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I go up on Sundays for me dinner.

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I went last Sunday cos she had a big chicken.

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But I don't go every Sunday.

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I don't go every Sunday because when she gets extra family,

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she's got to get the emergency chairs out.

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Oh, every family has some emergency chairs.

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Usually get them out at Christmas and birthdays when you get

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extra family, they're in back bedroom upstairs.

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I were driving to me mum's on Christmas Day,

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I saw a bloke crossing over Bury Road in Bolton,

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he had a fag in his mouth and two dining room chairs.

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"Bring some chairs round, I've not got enough chairs.

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"Bring that little poof, bring that little poof round.

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"I don't know his name, bring him round."

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Everyone's at different sizes round t'table, nothing matches.

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Cheers, all the best.

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Big tall bar stool.

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It's a nosebleed up here.

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What do you want? Gravy?

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There you go.

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That's your gravy, there you go.

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MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey

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We can't be playing this.

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You recognise it?

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I know what it is.

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I love this one.

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Love it.

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Makes me proper happy, this.

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This is wrong.

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-Why?

-You can't be playing this, it's the middle of summer,

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look at the weather outside.

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-It's cracking flags.

-And?

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You can play Christmas songs whenever you like, John.

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No, you play them at Christmas -

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that's why they're called Christmas songs.

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Tell you what, she's got some pipes on her, I'll give her that.

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-What?

-Pipes, singing voice.

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# All I want for Christmas is you... #

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You know she says that's all she wants for Christmas but I bet you

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any money if that's all you got her on Christmas morning,

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she'd lose her frigging mind.

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Yeah, what she really means is all I want for Christmas is you,

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but carrying a sack filled with about four grand's worth of pressies.

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Exactly. Typical woman.

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Says one thing, means another.

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This is from one of my favourite Christmas films ever,

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Love Actually.

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-Watch it every year.

-Show it every year and all.

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Every day on every bloody channel.

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-Sick to death of it.

-They play it at the end at that school show

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when Martine McCutcheon and Hugh Grant have the kiss

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-and fall in love.

-What a load of crap!

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-What?

-As if.

-What do you mean?

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Well, as if the Prime Minister of England'd fall for a bloody maid.

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Of course he could, John.

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-Load of old bull.

-It's not bull, it's love...

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actually.

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I'd fall for Hugh Grant easily.

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He'd only have to look at me once.

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-Hugh Grant?

-Oh, yeah, definitely.

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He's gorgeous.

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Wouldn't climb over him for a piss, John.

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Charming.

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Hello, welcome to our one-hour One Show cracker with Adrian Chiles.

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And Christine Bleakley,

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and to welcome our very special guest tonight.

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Peter Kay is here.

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Even though singing's not his day job,

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Amarillo is just one of Britain's favourite comedian's

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three UK number ones.

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Fresh from hosting the Royal Variety Show

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in front of Her Majesty, he now fulfils another lifetime ambition

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by appearing on The One Show.

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Come on, come on, come on.

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I accosted John Sergeant, I accosted him.

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He was in the corridor and I kidnapped him and he's here

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and he's staying, he's hostage,

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he's hostage! John Sergeant is hostage.

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Hello, you.

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Hello, Christine.

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-How are you, darling?

-I'm good, I'm good.

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Adrian Chiles, what it is, brother!

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Give me some, go on, do it, Adrian.

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-Just, please sit down.

-I know you want to! You animal!

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I am going to rock your world tonight, boy. Rock your world!

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Oh, dear, Peter, I have waited since the day I started on The One Show

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to have you here as a guest. Isn't that true?

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It's absolutely... She says that to most guests,

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but it's true in your case.

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It's either this or Emmerdale and I'll tell you now, this wins.

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Thank you!

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Up to half past, then it's Corrie, but...

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we'll deal with that at half seven.

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-Don't go.

-Are you sure I don't have to go?

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No, because in a minute when we go to this VT about bipolar

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or British Gas or something like that, or benefit fraud,

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I'm going to write some ransom demands.

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So what's first, then?

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Bullseye, Sunday afternoons.

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I used to love Bullseye, me.

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It were weird, Bullseye, cos it were shit and it were good.

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Honest to God, you knew where you stood with Bullseye.

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And every week my sister used to say,

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"How do they split a car between them?"

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End of the programme, "How do they split a fitted kitchen,

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"with a chainsaw?"

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Cos usually on Bullseye, there were just two people,

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they weren't related, they were usually from the pub -

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the clever one and the darts player.

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There were two blokes, or two women -

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you usually couldn't tell whether the women were blokes on Bullseye.

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Leanne, she'd be dart player, in stonewashed denim.

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Love and Hat tattooed on her knuckles,

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cos she'd lost a finger.

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Valerie, her friend, she'd be answering questions,

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she were the clever one in a maroon shell suit.

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Five o'clock shadow.

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"Showbiz, Jim, showbiz."

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"Showbiz I'd like, please, showbiz."

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Showbiz you'd like, showbiz you'd like, OK, showbiz you'd like.

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Showbiz, Leanne.

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Spelling you've got, never mind.

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Spelling you've got.

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For £4...

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For £4, Valerie, could you spell hermaphrodite?

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E-R-M-A-U-T...

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Err-ruh-mah-teh...

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Ermafra... I'll have to rush you, Valerie.

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I'll have to rush you, son.

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When they run out of time on spelling, do you remember, Bully,

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used to walk across t'bottom of t'telly with a big dictionary?

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HE MOOS

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What were all that about, what were that?

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What were that? Moooo!

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Jim, Jim could see him. "Thanks for that, Bully, thanks for that."

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Jim's smacked off his tits, doesn't know what day it is.

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What's our man manhandling here?

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This has been developed by a university in Scotland,

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and it's to be used by patients who perhaps have lost a finger or two.

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It picks up impulses from the brain and will open and close the hand,

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but there are sensors on the fingertips,

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which mean any delicate objects you have, or are picking up...

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..won't get crushed.

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I wouldn't mind borrowing this.

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-May I have it back, please?

-Can I borrow it over Christmas?

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-Can I just demonstrate what you mean?

-It's like a claw, for Christmas, that.

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It is quite sensitive, cos look, it will actually pick up a cup,

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you see, cos it senses... Look.

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Shall we give that...?

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I won't be using it for cups, Adrian.

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It would be a good time to press on, then, wouldn't it?

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A question to bring us crashing back to the present.

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A big one, this - is your gas meter imperial or metric?

0:17:540:17:58

Is your gas meter imperial or metric?

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You see, on the face of it -

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on the face of it, that's possibly the most boring question

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we've ever put to you on The One Show.

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Having said that, we did once ask you to tell us which you like best,

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broccoli or cauliflower. Do you remember that?

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-I watched that one, yeah.

-What did you vote? Did you go online?

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-Millions did.

-It's just kept on me Sky+ planner, that.

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That's all I know.

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I'm still burning discs of it at t'car boot, that, Adrian.

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Broccoli was the clear winner.

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Clear winner.

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It's like Pebble Mill on smack!

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I love it!

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I love it!

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I don't know who you blackmailed to get this job, boy,

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but I am loving it!

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You...

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-Ow, me

-BLEEP

-hands.

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Jesus wept!

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DIRECTOR: Action.

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Oh, oh...

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MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard

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Hear that noise? That's Roy Wood, that, cashing his royalty cheques.

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I wouldn't mind being a pound behind that fella.

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Oh, it proper reminds me of Christmas, this!

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-Yeah, it will do.

-I always get it mixed up with Slade.

0:19:170:19:21

Well, they're both in the same year, 1973, the year I was born.

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-I bet that's why.

-Why, what year were you born?

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1976.

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Oh, we used to play this every year when we were decorating the tree.

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I remember having this on a single.

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I always used to believe in the words

0:19:390:19:40

cos I actually do wish it could be Christmas every day.

0:19:400:19:43

Well, I'd have it every four years if it were up to me,

0:19:430:19:45

like the Olympics.

0:19:450:19:47

But you can't. It's Jesus's birthday.

0:19:470:19:50

And?

0:19:500:19:51

I don't force him to celebrate mine.

0:19:510:19:54

It's just a load of stress, at the end of the day.

0:19:540:19:56

-Why stress?

-Hassle.

0:19:560:19:58

You put on two stone over two weekends,

0:19:580:20:00

you don't know what day it is,

0:20:000:20:01

or when your bins are going to be emptied nor nothing,

0:20:010:20:04

there's piss-all on television,

0:20:040:20:05

and they've got the cheek to repeat that twice.

0:20:050:20:08

Sat in silence with people you can't stand for t'see rest of t'year,

0:20:080:20:11

bloody panic buying presents for them at the last minute,

0:20:110:20:14

and then you've got Amazon leading you a merry dance,

0:20:140:20:16

not delivering the parcels on time,

0:20:160:20:18

hanging round the GPO like an idiot in the rain...

0:20:180:20:21

-Bah humbug, John.

-Well.

0:20:240:20:26

I'm actually surprised you haven't been visited by three ghosts.

0:20:260:20:29

What?

0:20:290:20:31

It's Christmaaaaaaaaaaas!

0:20:310:20:38

That's Slade, I've told you!

0:20:380:20:40

Psycho.

0:20:400:20:41

And it's summeeeeeer!

0:20:410:20:44

Ya tit.

0:20:440:20:45

HE HUMS BULLSEYE THEME

0:20:500:20:52

OK, you're through to Bully's prize board.

0:20:520:20:55

Valerie, Leanne, come this way, come this way, boys.

0:20:550:20:58

OK. Now, your £40, that's safe.

0:21:020:21:06

That's going nowhere.

0:21:060:21:07

Back pocket of Farah.

0:21:080:21:10

Now you've got the time it takes for the board to revolve.

0:21:140:21:18

What do you want to do? You can ask the audience,

0:21:180:21:20

come on, ask the audience.

0:21:200:21:22

AUDIENCE: Gamble!

0:21:220:21:24

What do you reckon? Well, I've had a right good day, Jim,

0:21:260:21:28

had a right good day, you know, we've really enjoyed ourselves.

0:21:280:21:31

Just being away from the centre for a few hours is a blessing, you know,

0:21:310:21:37

cos Leanne's electronically tagged.

0:21:370:21:40

But, er... But, er...

0:21:400:21:41

What? What?

0:21:410:21:44

We're going to gamble, Jim, we're going to go for it,

0:21:440:21:46

we're going to gamble.

0:21:460:21:47

Let's have a look at the prizes, shall we?

0:21:490:21:51

I-i-i-i-n one.

0:21:510:21:53

In one, kids won't have to suffer Mum's Rola Cola any more...

0:21:550:21:59

..with this fantastic SodaStream.

0:22:070:22:09

And Bully's special prize!

0:22:130:22:16

A speedboat. Always a speedboat.

0:22:160:22:19

Where do they live? Tamworth.

0:22:190:22:21

200 miles to t'sea.

0:22:210:22:23

When they used to lose on Bullseye, what did Jim Bowen used to say?

0:22:240:22:29

Let's have a look at what you could have won!

0:22:290:22:31

Yes, my friend!

0:22:310:22:32

"Let's have a look at what you could have won."

0:22:320:22:35

Kick 'em when they're down, Jim!

0:22:350:22:38

Rub a bit of salt in the wound, my friend.

0:22:380:22:40

"Let's have a look." He's bringing the speedboat on and showing it to them.

0:22:400:22:43

Bring it on, boys.

0:22:430:22:45

MOROSE BULLSEYE THEME

0:22:450:22:46

Take it back now. Take it back.

0:22:500:22:53

You'll not see that again. You've shit-owt, take it back.

0:22:530:22:56

"Let's have a look at what you could have won."

0:22:580:23:00

I always think he'd make a really bad priest at a wedding, Jim Bowen.

0:23:000:23:04

"I now pronounce you man and wife by the power invested in me.

0:23:040:23:08

"Gary, Julie, OK.

0:23:080:23:10

"Gary, before you whisk Julie off to Tenerife - it's over there, OK.

0:23:100:23:14

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:140:23:17

"Let's have a look at what you could have married.

0:23:200:23:22

"Oh, you slipped up there!

0:23:220:23:24

"She's 16, she's Filipino, take her back, boys!"

0:23:240:23:27

MOROSE BULLSEYE THEME

0:23:270:23:28

"Don't worry, you've still got your Bendy Bullys.

0:23:330:23:35

"And your £40.

0:23:370:23:38

"It'll take me the commercial break to count it out."

0:23:380:23:41

It's 40 quid, Jim.

0:23:430:23:45

What is it in, 2ps?

0:23:450:23:47

This is a catch-21 situation, Jerry, only you can get us out.

0:23:520:23:57

Me? How?

0:23:570:23:58

CREAKING

0:24:000:24:01

Excuse me.

0:24:020:24:04

Sorry. It's funny, that chair.

0:24:040:24:07

Me? How?

0:24:070:24:08

CREAKING

0:24:080:24:10

I'm leaving it in.

0:24:100:24:12

Me? How?

0:24:120:24:13

Shut up.

0:24:160:24:17

We're in a Catch-21 situation, Jerry.

0:24:190:24:21

Oh, I'm laughing.

0:24:210:24:23

Me? How?

0:24:240:24:26

CREAKING

0:24:260:24:27

LAUGHTER

0:24:280:24:30

-What? What?

-Come here a minute, come on!

-Get off me, you girl!

0:24:320:24:35

-Come on!

-You've heard, then?

0:24:350:24:38

Oh, I've heard.

0:24:380:24:39

Eh? Eh? Eh?

0:24:390:24:42

Irritable bowels.

0:24:420:24:43

-Move the

-BLEEP

-over there.

0:24:430:24:45

MUSIC: Lonely This Christmas by Elvis Presley

0:24:500:24:53

God almighty.

0:24:540:24:56

Lonely This Christmas.

0:24:560:24:58

Have you not got any carols?

0:24:590:25:01

No. They don't do a Now That's What I Call Carol.

0:25:010:25:04

MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

0:25:040:25:06

Oh, I like this one. It's one of my favourites.

0:25:060:25:09

They're all your favourites.

0:25:090:25:10

That's cos they're all Christmas songs.

0:25:100:25:13

This is wrong, this.

0:25:130:25:14

Look at the leaves on the trees.

0:25:180:25:20

Every time I hear this, it just makes me want to march.

0:25:210:25:24

Good luck with that in a Fiat.

0:25:240:25:26

-Always makes me a bit sad, this one.

-Yeah, I know.

0:25:320:25:35

Melancholy.

0:25:350:25:36

Happy sad.

0:25:360:25:37

It's the "wish I was at home for Christmas" bit gets me.

0:25:390:25:42

Always reminds me of me dad.

0:25:420:25:44

Aw, why? Was he a soldier?

0:25:440:25:45

No.

0:25:470:25:48

He always used to play this and he always used to lift me up

0:25:490:25:52

and dance round with me in his arms.

0:25:520:25:54

Lordy, must have been strong.

0:25:540:25:57

And what's that supposed to mean?

0:25:570:25:58

-Well, how old were you?

-I don't know, six, seven.

0:25:580:26:02

Well, you can't have been. This song didn't come out till the '90s.

0:26:020:26:05

Did it balls! Christmas 1980, this, Jona Lewie.

0:26:050:26:08

No, no, it can't have been because I had this on cassette tape

0:26:080:26:11

and this song used to come on after East 17 Stay,

0:26:110:26:14

so definitely '90s.

0:26:140:26:16

What? What does that mean, a cassette tape?

0:26:160:26:20

It used to come on after East 17 and they were definitely '90s cos I had

0:26:200:26:23

-the puffer jacket.

-Where did you get the cassette tape from?

0:26:230:26:26

Someone made me a mixtape.

0:26:260:26:28

What does that mean?!

0:26:280:26:29

That means frig all!

0:26:290:26:31

Why would she have mixed them all up?

0:26:310:26:34

Mark is now about to shoot the video for Christmas 2000,

0:26:360:26:39

the first single from his new album,

0:26:390:26:42

making himself eligible for the most important annual music race of all -

0:26:420:26:46

the Christmas number one.

0:26:460:26:47

Come on, let's make magic!

0:26:470:26:49

This is fantastic, it's a dream come true.

0:26:490:26:52

It's a real education, not just for me, for the Sumambis.

0:26:520:26:56

And they're from Africa.

0:26:560:26:57

They've never seen snow.

0:26:590:27:00

I know it's not real snow, but they don't know that, do they?

0:27:030:27:07

That's too small, that.

0:27:120:27:14

Who's built this?!

0:27:140:27:15

# It's Christmas time There's no need to be afraid

0:27:200:27:25

# Cos the world is now ready The plans have been made

0:27:270:27:31

# He'll be bringing salvation

0:27:340:27:38

# He'll be bringing us joy for every man and woman

0:27:380:27:42

# Every girl and boy

0:27:440:27:46

# Let's raise our glasses and sing Auld Lang Syne

0:27:490:27:56

# As we sit on the fence at the crossroads of time

0:27:570:28:01

# Our race is now over

0:28:040:28:07

# Our future's begun

0:28:070:28:10

# It's Christmas 2000 A new number one... #

0:28:100:28:16

So why Christmas 2000?

0:28:160:28:18

Well, people think I'm probably cashing in on the millennium.

0:28:180:28:22

That couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not that shallow.

0:28:220:28:25

What I am, though, is very religious and Christmas 2000

0:28:250:28:29

is just a simple thank you to the big man upstairs.

0:28:290:28:32

It's an ambiguous celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.

0:28:320:28:36

-That won't be...

-Many happy returns.

0:28:360:28:38

That won't be till Christmas, 2000.

0:28:380:28:40

Yes.

0:28:400:28:41

This is going to be Christmas, 1999.

0:28:410:28:44

What?

0:28:470:28:48

This Christmas is Christmas, 1999, not 2000.

0:28:480:28:51

Bernie!

0:28:560:28:57

# People talk of power Of His miracles performed

0:28:590:29:03

# The healing of the sick, the disabled, the deformed

0:29:060:29:11

# He'll be changing our future

0:29:130:29:17

# He'll make everything fine

0:29:170:29:19

# He'll be coming down your chimney

0:29:190:29:23

# For the 2000th time

0:29:230:29:24

# Let's raise our glasses and sing Auld Lang Syne

0:29:280:29:34

# As we sit on the fence at the crossroads of time

0:29:350:29:41

# There are 2,000 mountains still left to climb

0:29:430:29:49

# It's Christmas 2000, let's have a good time

0:29:490:29:55

# It's Christmas 2000

0:29:560:30:00

# It's Christmas 2000

0:30:000:30:03

# It's Christmas 2000

0:30:030:30:06

# A new number one. #

0:30:060:30:13

I can't get out of old habits.

0:30:230:30:24

I still say to me wife, "Do you want to go to t'video shop for a DVD?"

0:30:240:30:29

How old?

0:30:290:30:31

And we get those boxsets now, us.

0:30:310:30:33

Boxsets of series.

0:30:330:30:34

You can't just watch one.

0:30:340:30:36

You put 'em on, you're like, "Oh, God, put another one on. I want to see what happens."

0:30:360:30:39

I'm like, "I want to go to bed now." "No, put another one on, I want to see what happens."

0:30:390:30:42

It's ten to four. "No, put another one on."

0:30:420:30:45

I'm sitting here in me own piss and shit. "Put another one on, I want to see what happens.

0:30:450:30:48

"Put these two in, quick."

0:30:480:30:50

Or you can series link it now with Sky+.

0:30:500:30:54

It's incredible. Sky+ is right up there with daylight

0:30:540:30:58

and running water as a necessity in my life now.

0:30:580:31:02

You can't go back, honest to God.

0:31:020:31:03

They come round and say, "Mr Kay, we're turning your gas off.

0:31:030:31:06

"It's going to be off for four hours, we're digging at t'top of t'road."

0:31:060:31:08

You're joking? All right, never mind.

0:31:080:31:10

Dad, Sky's off. "Sky's off?!

0:31:100:31:12

"Sky+ is off? Jesus Christ! Ring 'em up, quick!"

0:31:120:31:15

It's like losing your left arm, you can't believe it.

0:31:150:31:19

I got it for me nana.

0:31:190:31:21

You know we went digital a couple of years ago.

0:31:210:31:23

I said, "Nana, you've got to go digital."

0:31:230:31:26

"I've just got used to pounds, shillings and pence."

0:31:260:31:29

I'm like that, "What?"

0:31:290:31:30

We're going digital. I've got you Sky+, right.

0:31:300:31:32

It's fantastic. You've got...

0:31:320:31:34

When you want to record something,

0:31:340:31:35

you just press that red button there on t'remote.

0:31:350:31:38

"Where do you put your tapes?"

0:31:380:31:39

No, there's no tapes now.

0:31:390:31:41

It's on a hard drive.

0:31:410:31:42

Just go with me, right. And you've got live pause now.

0:31:460:31:49

Live pause. So if you want to pause it and go and have a cup of tea

0:31:490:31:53

or a wee, you just pause it.

0:31:530:31:55

"What about everybody else?"

0:31:550:31:56

Come again?

0:31:560:31:58

"What about everybody else?"

0:31:580:32:00

You're not controlling Britain! It's just you, this.

0:32:000:32:03

Bloody hell, it's only £40 a month.

0:32:030:32:04

What do you want?

0:32:040:32:07

Some couple in Crawley watching Holby City -

0:32:070:32:09

"That's Edie gone for a slash.

0:32:090:32:11

"Stopped again. It's quarter to ten here.

0:32:160:32:17

"Stop start, stop start. What's happening?"

0:32:170:32:20

DIRECTOR: Action.

0:32:220:32:23

I enjoyed that. It was lovely.

0:32:260:32:28

-Just put scolding hot

-BLEEP

-water in that, will you, Pete, next time?

0:32:280:32:32

From the top. Still rolling.

0:32:340:32:35

I remember the Gogo Birds.

0:32:550:32:57

I wanted...

0:32:580:32:59

Cut.

0:33:040:33:05

Only thing about Sky+ I don't like is me whole life's

0:33:160:33:18

on times 30, times 30.

0:33:180:33:20

Fast forward. Everything's times 30.

0:33:200:33:22

I've not seen an advert for four years.

0:33:220:33:24

Are DFS still having a sale?

0:33:240:33:25

And it's all or nothing, fast forward, you can't control it.

0:33:270:33:30

You're like bang, bang, bang. Oh, it's back on, it's back on!

0:33:300:33:32

Go back, go back, go back! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:33:320:33:34

We're back to the beginning of t' programme, you've gone too far now, not back here.

0:33:340:33:38

Fast forward again, fast forward.

0:33:380:33:39

Whoa, whoa, it's back on again! What you doing?

0:33:390:33:42

Times six, times 12, do it in stages, take your time.

0:33:420:33:45

Quicker just watching t'adverts.

0:33:470:33:49

That's best when it comes up - two recordings have clashed,

0:33:490:33:51

please choose one. What do you do with that?

0:33:510:33:54

What do you do? Pick one, pick one, quick!

0:33:540:33:56

Am I selecting the one I'm deleting? Am I deleting the one I'm selecting?

0:33:560:33:59

Which one? Am I doing that one there? Pick one. I don't know! Throw it to me.

0:33:590:34:02

I haven't got a clue! Choose one now.

0:34:020:34:04

I don't know! Christ almighty, it's going to fail record,

0:34:040:34:06

it's going to fail record, people, quick!

0:34:060:34:08

Top or bottom? Top or bottom?

0:34:080:34:09

Choose, choose!

0:34:090:34:10

It's failed record now. It's too late, see.

0:34:100:34:13

MUSIC: Last Christmas by George Michael

0:34:170:34:19

Oh!

0:34:190:34:21

Let me guess, this is your favourite.

0:34:210:34:24

It is, actually, John.

0:34:240:34:25

This is my all-time favourite.

0:34:250:34:27

Yeah.

0:34:280:34:29

This is my favourite, too.

0:34:290:34:32

Is it?

0:34:320:34:34

Really? Aww.

0:34:340:34:36

I knew I'd break you, get you into the Christmas mood.

0:34:360:34:39

She says, licking a 99.

0:34:390:34:41

Christ, it's not that hot.

0:34:460:34:49

I've got those flip-flops.

0:34:490:34:51

The other thing I don't like is the panic,

0:34:530:34:56

and I mean PANIC you get when you're down to about 4% on your planner.

0:34:560:35:00

4% we're on here.

0:35:030:35:05

4%. That's you, that.

0:35:050:35:07

There's nothing on here of mine.

0:35:090:35:11

There's nothing on here of mine.

0:35:140:35:15

Look at all... I've two World's Strongest Men and a

0:35:160:35:19

Ross Kemp In Bangkok and that's me done here, love. Nothing.

0:35:190:35:23

Oh, and A Banged Up Abroad. Excuse me. Pardon me for breathing.

0:35:240:35:28

One, two, three, four...

0:35:280:35:30

27 hours of 24, how's that happened?

0:35:300:35:33

You can't do that! That's not physically possible!

0:35:330:35:37

Delete, delete. Oh, that's better, 48%.

0:35:370:35:39

Look at that, 48%.

0:35:390:35:41

I feel cleansed. 48%.

0:35:410:35:43

You've got to have a tidy planner.

0:35:450:35:47

And then when we do finally sit down and watch something together,

0:35:470:35:51

'king sister rings her up.

0:35:510:35:52

Pause.

0:35:520:35:54

HE MOUTHS

0:35:540:35:56

HE CONTINUES MOUTHING

0:36:050:36:07

HE CONTINUES MOUTHING

0:36:170:36:19

HE CONTINUES MOUTHING

0:36:320:36:34

'king 20 minutes. "I'll see you, bye."

0:36:490:36:51

What's she want? "Nothing."

0:36:510:36:52

Nothing?!

0:36:520:36:54

Nothing.

0:36:540:36:55

Press play. Then phone rings again, it's me mum.

0:36:590:37:02

"I didn't expect that twist at the end. I didn't think she'd kill him."

0:37:020:37:04

What?!

0:37:040:37:05

We're 20 minutes behind, you don't tell us that!

0:37:070:37:10

You're booked! We'll have you!

0:38:170:38:19

Look at that! Oh, my God!

0:38:210:38:24

Woo! Woo!

0:38:270:38:29

# The mood is right

0:38:400:38:42

# The spirit's up

0:38:420:38:44

# We're here tonight

0:38:440:38:47

# And that's enough

0:38:470:38:48

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

0:38:480:38:53

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

0:38:530:38:59

# The choir of children sing their song

0:38:590:39:04

# They practised all year long

0:39:040:39:09

# The mood is right

0:39:090:39:11

# The spirit's up... #

0:39:110:39:12

We'll do a stage dive...

0:39:120:39:14

# We're here tonight

0:39:140:39:16

# And that's enough

0:39:160:39:18

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

0:39:180:39:22

# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time

0:39:220:39:28

# We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time. #

0:39:280:39:38

Have you been a good little boy?

0:39:430:39:45

Have you been a good little girl?

0:39:460:39:48

Ho-ho-ho!

0:39:490:39:51

# Once upon a Christmas song

0:40:010:40:03

# Everybody sang along

0:40:040:40:08

# You'd see the joy on every face

0:40:080:40:11

# And the world seemed a happier place

0:40:110:40:15

# These songs brought us together

0:40:150:40:19

# Good time memories forever

0:40:190:40:22

# Now I know what they mean

0:40:220:40:26

# And what they've given to me

0:40:260:40:29

# I'd have never believed

0:40:290:40:32

# That we'd be me singing them

0:40:320:40:33

# Over and over, and over again

0:40:330:40:37

# Every December they get in our heads

0:40:370:40:40

# Turn 'em up, play 'em loud

0:40:400:40:42

# Every Christmas should be the same

0:40:420:40:45

# Singing them over and over and over and over again

0:40:450:40:50

-# They say they're good for the soul

-Good for the soul

0:40:520:40:56

# But someone tell me I don't know

0:40:560:40:58

# Why no one seems to write them no more

0:40:590:41:01

# Write them no more

0:41:010:41:03

# So the only way to settle the score

0:41:030:41:06

# Is to all make way for a new one

0:41:060:41:10

# That keeps the heart of the old one

0:41:100:41:13

# With a little bit of festive cheer

0:41:130:41:17

# And you'll know when Christmas is near

0:41:170:41:20

# When this record appears, once a year

0:41:200:41:24

# You'll be singing this over and over, and over again

0:41:240:41:28

# Every December you'll hear it and say

0:41:280:41:32

# Turn it up, play it loud

0:41:320:41:33

# Every Christmas should be the same

0:41:330:41:37

# Singing it over and over and over and over again

0:41:370:41:42

-# It's getting in your head

-It's getting in your head

0:41:420:41:44

-# It's getting in your head

-It's getting in your head

0:41:440:41:46

# And if you're not singing it all night

0:41:460:41:49

# You'd be telling a lie... #

0:41:490:41:55

Today, they're lining the streets,

0:41:550:41:57

people of all ages overcome with festive joy.

0:41:570:42:01

It seems Britain has found its Xmas factor once again.

0:42:010:42:04

And the lady responsible for this Christmas magic?

0:42:040:42:07

Geraldine McQueen!

0:42:070:42:09

# You'll be singing this over and over and over and over again

0:42:240:42:29

# Every December you'll hear it and say

0:42:290:42:32

# Turn it up, play it loud

0:42:320:42:34

# Every Christmas should be the same

0:42:340:42:37

# Singing it over and over forever and ever again

0:42:370:42:42

MUSIC STOPS

0:42:460:42:47

CROWD GROANS

0:42:470:42:49

# Over and over and over again

0:42:550:42:59

# Over and over and over again

0:42:590:43:02

# Over and over and over again

0:43:020:43:06

# Over and over and over again

0:43:060:43:10

# Over and over and over again

0:43:100:43:13

# Over and over and over again

0:43:130:43:17

# Over and over and over again

0:43:170:43:20

# Over and over and over again

0:43:200:43:24

# Over and over and over again

0:43:240:43:28

# Over and over and over again

0:43:280:43:31

# Turn it up, play it loud

0:43:310:43:33

# Every Christmas should be the same

0:43:330:43:36

# Singing it over and over forever and ever again. #

0:43:360:43:41